#seriously though it felt like a fever dream/neg

[rem0n-art]

Happy Saturday!

Thank you! Nice to hear that after a day of disorientation

[jasperjv]

Hey. So 2 years ago Connor Lavery's aka khonjin's psychological torture of me reached fever pitch in my psyche and I was involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital in a severe psychotic breakdown that lasted almost 3 months. Now I'm indexed in his long story of his supposed inexplicable persecution. He thinks me, in my psychotic state, demanding monetary compensation for his gaslighting and harassment, was some kind of attempt at "cancellation" and me throwing a tantrum instead of communicating like an adult. However I deleted my entire social media presence after getting back from the hospital and haven't bothered him since. But he still thinks I did something to him.

The man is dangerous. He believes that the worst sin of mankind is the ego, so he makes it his mission to bully the fuck out of everyone until they have no self-esteem, boundaries of their own, or healthy sense of self whatsoever. The elimination of the ego however is what psychosis is, also unable to suppress the flow of the unconscious, identical to a waking dream. But when that happened to me after 2 years of mind games, he retreated into himself and framed it in the most disgusting way possible. Which you will see.

Embedded here is the first video I made myself specifically on this topic. You will see more details in a more recent video, and follow the trail I put in that video's description to get my full story. For the podcast in particular I would give a content warning for assault, sexual assault, ableism ("saneism"?) and general torture and terror.

There's nothing on God's green earth I could do or say to force him to take me seriously. I have probably half of you people blocked because just seeing anything to do with him would make my blood pressure spike. And it's high enough as-is just due to genetics. Maybe the rest of you might be able to be reached.

I'm so sick of fucking self-centered freaks trying to hold me accountable for actual psychosis because they're so desperate to blame anyone or anything but themselves for their part in tragedy. I really get gaslit about my own psychosis, and forced to prove a negative repeatedly (which we know is a lexical impossibility). I'm handed a blatant double-standard about mental health awareness and basic human decency, when in many cases I desperately need it more than most. Schizophrenia sufferers are 1% of the population. We're dwarfed by most, if not all, other mental illnesses. In this I continue to be thrown alone to the wolves. Sometimes even while being laughed at, it truly feels like. So I feel like I have to do all in my power to help make sure that this happens to fewer people than it would otherwise.

The callouts in 2018, the types of points of persuasion they were trying didn't make sense to me. Maybe this, though, could strike others. I'm more specific about how exactly he destroys people from the inside out. Stay the fuck away from him.

He's scared of losing his financial support from Patreon and ad revenue or whatever. I really, truly felt for that for a long time. But now I know that none of us are obligated to keep his ass afloat. It would be nobody's fault but his own if he didn't even try to heal his fucked up mindset and was just a raging misanthrope nobody wants to deal with. When you get to be my age, you become aware of all the ways to make a living. He could get disability. He could get a factory job, for instance. And that paid me an absurd amount of money. He needs to make up his mind about if he wants to be around people or not. Because he can't keep treating them the way that he does.

Oh, and if you're reading this and you happen to have any social connections with him whatsoever, for the love of God, do not let him put you on the defensive. About anything. Over and over again. It chips away at you. He doesn't have the answers. He doesn't have any objective taste like he desperately wants to think. He doesn't know any wisdoms that you couldn't get from someone who won't talk down to you.

Took me quite a while to convince him of the truth that he is only older than me by only a few months. I needed my hope in humanity and the future in order to not go and end it all. He did not give a fuck. He kept accusing me of lying about not being a naïve teenager. Just for that. Ask any well-adjusted and experienced adult and they will tell you to stay far away from people like that. The motivations that drive them to that behavior and opinion are bad, bad news.

He is intelligent, in the scariest ways. Intelligence of that type allows dysfunctional people like him to fabricate lines of logic that justify and enable the abuse they already sought to do. Literally anything can be justified with just the right kind of logic. Trust your gut. Guard your mind. It's the only one you've got.

He leads an excessively stressful life, creates his own dysfunctional world both inside and around him. I truly believe that this causes him many health problems. I've been having nightmares because of him. And as this built up and weighed heavy on my mind I got a fucking hemorrhoid. It went away very quickly after I made this video.

I'm feeling anxious as I type this. But I have to tell myself that anyone who would continue harassment of me over all the truth I've spoken is not worth my time or space. This isn't for them. It's for me, and it's for people who still have basic respect and empathy left in them.

Yours truly,

"slug"

[enchantedtomeethyun]

Cruel Summer: Part One

Warnings: language. Mild smut.

Paring: Bangchan x reader

Driving down the street it was hot even with the windows down and the air blasting. It was a fever dream looking back.

I arrived at the usual place we met those nights. 10:03 said the time on my cars screen. I peaked in the mirror to check myself one last time before getting out. He still some how makes me nervous. After all these months of sneaking around I would hate to say it out loud. So I won't Not yet.

Getting out of my car I make sure it's locked and that I have everything. I stuck my hands in my back pockets of my pants and begin to walk to the corner of the street. We would always meet there. After he finishes practice he would tell the others he was going to work out. He wasn't lying though. He would work out sometimes with me. That's for later though. The glow of the vending machine and the humming of it made me feel better about walking alone at night. It lit up my skin as I leaned on it feeling it's vibration on my back. I took out my phone checking the time.

He should be here...

Just when I thought of giving up on the nights clandestine meeting I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder.

"Hey sorry Hyunjin wouldn't stop talking about his girlfriend." He smiled shyly rubbing the back of his neck. I felt insecure suddenly. I laughed quietly and looked back at him.

"Oh it's ok I wasn't waiting that long". I said now standing and facing him. I got a chill.

"Are you cold? Did you want to go now?" he said worried with his brows knitted.

"Oh no no it's summer how could I be cold haha." I tried to joke but I ended up sounding foolish. I hope he didn't notice how he makes me feel.

He looked at me and smiled sincerely taking my hands in his.

"Ahh let's get going .." he looked around cautiously. Right I forgot.

He recently has been getting more popular with the media. More people following him around trying to catch him doing something they can sell to make a quick buck.

"Chan I'm sorry i forgot.. we should of just.."

"No no it's ok I told you to meet me here remember? Let's go to the hotel." He said softly releasing one of my hands and still holding my other. Does he know he's got my beat skipping with the littlest things?

We walk to my car and I unlocked it. Getting in Chan makes sure to keep his hat on and face mask on to keep himself covered. I pull out of the lot turning my head back to make sure I don't run into anything. His hand naturally finds its way to my thigh and grips it. I look over to steal a glance. Lyrical smile. Brown eyes. That's him.

"Hey so how was practice?" I said breaking the comfortable since.

"Oh it was really good thanks for asking! We started working on new coreo I wanna show you if that's alright with you oh actually there's this funny thing Felix told me.." he went on and I drove down the street smiling to myself.

After we arrived at the hotel Chan got out of the car the second I parked. Before I could open my door it opened for me. Getting out I smiled at him.

Smiling back he reached for my face pulling it towards his. Kissing my lips softly and then pulling away he closed the door of the car. We walked to the lobby in silence. My thoughts were full of him. His arm was draped casually around my shoulder while he texted someone. I couldn't help but think negatively for a moment. What if I'm just a thing for him? What am I to him? A way to blow off steam maybe or a way of dating but without commitment. My thoughts were interrupted by his arm leaving my shoulder. I frowned looking over to him as we walked in the door. Chan was typing quickly on his phone.

"What's wrong?" I inquired heading towards the elevator with him.

"Uhhh one second babygirl uhhh shit hold on I'm getting a call." He said shuffling us into the elevator and pressing the floor button. I leaned on the wall facing towards him as he stood in the middle of the elevator answering his phone.

"Hyunjin hey what's wrong?" He said quickly. Muffled I hear his band mate speaking.

"Hyung hey uhh are you by chance at a hotel? My girlfriend was leaving after saying bye to her family one last time before the left and said she saw you?" Hyunjin asked confused. Chan's eyes widened.

"Uh no mate just at the gym haha." He said before the elevator dinged for the floor.

"Are you in an elevator? What gym is that?" Hyunjin asked more confused than before. Chan looked over at me scared. But before he could think of an excuse we heard his friends dog barking through the phone.

"Oh oops forgot bed time for kkami. Got to go!" Hyunjin said hanging up abruptly.

A sigh of relief left both of us. It hurt he wanted to hide me but I understood why. His contract won't let him date and if his fans found out or his company he could be in trouble. I guess I'm not worth it. After all we aren't together.

I look up and see we are at the room and Chan is fumbling around in his pockets for the keys. I giggled pulling them out of my bag and unlocking the door.

His mouth made an o shape and he laughed.

"Remember last time you told me to keep it cause you lost it.." I said opening the door and letting him walk in first.

"Yeah right sorry I don't know where my mind is tonight sorry." He said kind of troubled. I put my things down on the couch and walked to the bed room taking my shoes off. Chan swiftly followed me out of habit and did the same. He sat on the bed looking at me intently. I know what's on his mind. It's why we are here in the first place. Yes I wanted the same thing too but I wished it could be more. I wish he wanted to hear my laugh as much as my moans. I wanted him to want my company in the daylight. Not just after dark when no one was watching.

He reached over towards me and grabbing my frame by the waist and pulling my body closer to his. I went willingly still thinking of what couldn't be.

We laid close together for a few moments in an almost cuddle position. It was nice and had me delusional and thinking maybe he felt the same. But his erection growing behind me stopped that thought real fast.

It usually began similar to this is joking around then kissing or him holding me and then him initiating it all.

"Do you want this..?" He whispered in my ear making my spine shiver. God yes of course I did. He knew I did. I nodded silently as he groaned kissing my neck.

I feel out of it tonight. He kissed along my neck and jaw and I felt the familiar feeling in my stomach he always gives me.

"You're a fucking liar you know .. you say you never work out but your body feels so good." He laughed in my ear as he was on top of me now. Feeling around my body I would hate to say I'm use to his touch. In that moment I felt sad. This will end for sure one day. I'm not his to keep. I'm a temporary fix. I'm a solution to a problem. Of course he would never say that to me. He was too much of a good guy to say he's using me for pleasure. He would say something like "we enjoy our time together whats wrong with that?"

He takes off my tee shirt that's a bit too big for me which exposes my frame. He gives me a look and I acknowledge. He then takes off my bra still kissing me.

Chan goes to take off his sweatshirt and throws aside. He stares at me for a moment like he can read my mind.

"You alright with this?" He asked lowering himself back on me but with his arms supporting him on each side.

"Yeah... of course". I said hoping he didn't catch my lie in each word.

"You seem different tonight. Are you sure you're alright?" He asked now rolling off of me and I sigh. I don't want to get into this with him.

"Chan to be honest I'm not in the mood to talk. Just fuck me so you can go back to your life." I said more bitterly than intended. His face scrunched in confusion.

"Baby what are you on about? Did something happen?" He asked seriously his tone more serious than before.

"Jesus fuck.. stop calling me baby. I'm not your baby and I never will be." I grumbled sitting up reaching for my bra and putting it back on.

"Oh I'm sorry you didn't have a problem with it before I didn't know.. I'll stop calling you that then.." He said sounding a bit hurt

"Yeah well it does. You can't just use me for sex and call me baby." I spat. Feeling around in the dark for my shirt.

"Well hold on now where is this coming from? Is that what you think I'm doing ? Aren't you doing the same thing?" He said calmly handing me my shirt.

"You really have no idea do you." I said defeated. It's all fun and games until someone falls in love. Why did I have to be that someone. Getting up I left the bedroom leaving Chan in it. I can't do this anymore it will ruin me. It has ruined me. I grabbed my things ignoring Chan's echos asking me to come back so we can talk.

Before I walked out the door I saw him appear in the living room.

"Can we talk about this?" He asked quietly looking at his feet holding his sweatshirt in his hand.

"I said I wasn't in the mood to talk." With that I left.

[catalinaroleplay]

Gender & Pronouns: Gender non-conforming, he/they

Date of Birth: February 29th, 1992 (28)

Place of Birth: Quebec, Canada

Neighborhood: Avalon

Length of Residency: Since 1997 — Returned December 2020

Occupation: Street Performer and Delivery boy at Red Dragon

Face Claim: Avan Jogia

BIOGRAPHY

TRIGGERS: Divorce.

The journey from Quebec to California was a long and tiring one, but lucky for Miles, he slept most of the way. His journey began when he was 5 years old, when his mother made the bold decision to move for not only a change in scenery, but for a change in lifestyle. Miles was much too young to remember the details of his parents’ divorce, but he knew enough to know that his mother was not happy taking care of two children and run a house. Miles had a solid excuse though, he actually was a child, his father on the other hand was a full-grown adult that acted like a child. A divorce and a flight later, Miles and his, now happier, mother landed in California.

It was a calculated decision from his mother, Catalina was the home to her parents, and they welcomed their daughter and grandson with open arms. The now four-person household did struggle for a while, between his mother trying to find decent work and his grandparents adjusting to having more people in the house than it could accommodate, money was tight but they managed with what they had. Growing up around his grandparents meant that Miles grew up in a very relaxed atmosphere, there was no shouting, no fights, just plenty of good food and good memories. With the beach as a backyard, life was a lazy Sunday stroll, and that defined his personality.

Miles never had the urge to contact his father, from all the things his mother told him, he seemed like a dead-beat and Miles was more than happy to take his mother’s advice and not reach out. When his mother re-married, he was the best man, and his step-dad filled all the missing gaps his biological father left behind. Miles had nothing but good things in his home life, but good things were not happening in his school life. Barely scarping through school, Miles struggled to get decent grades. It was through sheer luck he graduated high school and though he preferred not to, college was the inevitable next step and it took him away from the resort town. Never the studious type, Miles preferred to hit the green stuff (thank god for Cali) after school than books, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out he was not made for higher education. His parents did try to convince him, and even force him at times, but that went nowhere and they’d much rather have him working and earning than flailing class after class. So, before he got kicked out of college, he dropped out after a year. But that one year at college was enough for Miles. Experimenting with everything, he soon figured out life was more than rigid social structures; the decision to rid himself of gender binary came as easy as breathing.

Not much of a planner, Miles took on problems as they came and went with the flow most of young and now adult life. Moving out was another obstacle they had to deal with. While living at his grandparents was nice and all, they needed their own space and Miles wasn’t about to crash at his parent’s house forever either, he needed to find a place for himself but that was a mission. Like a true vagabond, Miles never could settle down in a place for long, the constant need for change took his all over the country, a few months here, a few there, home was wherever he wanted it to be.

To support themself, Miles worked many jobs (mostly due to his inability to stick a job), Miles jumped from being a personal assistant to a dog-walker, and everything in between, but his favourite and by far the most entertaining was being a street performer. Entertaining people with his magic tricks and seeing the wonder in their eyes made Miles the happiest. His magic started off as a little thing to make his grandparents and his mum smile, but the more he did them and took on their encouragement to learn new tricks, the happier he got. While it wasn’t the highest paying job it was the one that he spent most of his time on. Tips could only afford him a hot meal and that too only sometimes, if he wanted to start saving for better things, Mason knew he had to get his act together. Finding a solid paying job without a degree was hard, but he found his saviour. While in college, Miles decided being in a band was a better worth of time than getting a degree, they had to disband after Miles dropped out, but years of floating around unsteady jobs and nothing to show for it, Miles contacted his old bandmates and they started playing again, but in Vegas this time. Their band, Fever Dream, was finally discovered and they went from busking, to getting random gigs at local bars, to playing at small indie festivals and soon had a solid following which prompted them to release a full-fledged studio album. Touring the country seemed like a good decision at the time too, and it went rather well until creative differences broke them apart. Three years together fell apart in less than 3 hours.

That feeling of loss hit harder than expected. Miles never had a plan B, no backups or a safety net to catch when they fell, but by some stroke of luck, or pity, their manager found Miles another musical gig. Wolfe Harwen’s name was talk of the town, and it was a stroke of luck Miles had this opportunity to play under the rising star, or well at least he was told that. An attempt was made, but Miles loved the easiness of Fever Dream; they had no set practice times, you show up when you do and play what you can, it was chaotic and messy but they worked well. Rigidity and structure went against every cell in their body, but it’s what the new label required.

‘It would be best of both parties if Miles stepped down’

That made them laugh. Miles had been fired multiple times, but that was by far the most polite way of it. No harsh feelings though, his heart wasn’t in music that demanded seriousness.

Returning to Catalina was supposed to the ‘all hope lost, last stop’ and knocking on their parents door felt a bit like defeat, but funds ran out and homesickness sunk in, forcing them to settle down for the foreseeable future.

PERSONALITY

Positive: Creative | Optimistic | Easygoing

Negative: Lazy | Forgetful | Gullible

Miles Mahir is portrayed by Pace.

[xiolaperry]

The Piano - Chapter 9

Summary: Belle French and her daughter arrive in New Zealand to an arranged marriage with Gaston LeGume.  Gaston shows little interest in her or her piano and books. However, Mr. Gold is fascinated… (Rumbelling of the 1993 film “The Piano”)

Rating: E (for smut, dark subject matter and violence). Please note, this story earns its “E” rating beginning with this chapter.

Also available on AO3. 

--

Belle dashed down the path, heedless of the mud and branches, her surroundings a blur. Exhilaration filled her. She was running from her marriage, responsibilities, Gaston, and even, at the moment, Tilly. When was the last time she had done something just for herself? What waited for her at Mr. Gold's house? She burst through the door without knocking.

Gold woke when he heard boots stomping on his porch. He suspected it was Granny again, or perhaps she'd sent Kamira to beat some sense into him. When he opened his eyes and saw Belle, he sat up with a jolt. He hadn't expected to see her again. She stood in the doorway, chest heaving as she caught her breath. He forced himself to appear nonchalant, even though his heart was pounding at the sight of her. Hope blossomed and he squashed it down.

“What brings you here?”

No response other than her worried frown.

“Did you forget something?” He stood and tucked in his shirt. His shaking hands were a contrast to his casual questions.

“I haven't found anything of yours.”

Belle walked to where the piano had been. She turned in a slow circle until her gaze rested on him. Pain filled her face, and he didn't know why.

“The piano and books arrived unharmed?”

A nod.

“Does Gaston suspect any impropriety between us?”

She shook her head.

They were poised on the edge of a precipice. Neither one knew how to jump.

Gold ran his hand through his hair. “Would you like to sit?” he asked, falling back on politeness, trying to find a way forward. “I am going to sit down.”

He opened a cabinet and got out a fresh whiskey bottle. His head felt better this morning than it had any right to, but he didn't think he could face this without a drink. Collapsing into his chair, he picked up the teacup and caressed the rim, stopping at the chip. He put it down and poured a generous portion from the bottle. Belle raised an eyebrow at this. Gold shrugged.

“Would you like some?”

She dismissed his offer with a flutter of her hands.

He took a sip, then rubbed the bridge of his sharp nose, searching for words. To fall back on a quip or sarcasm was not an option. All that remained was honesty.

“Belle,” he began, “I am unhappy. I am unhappy because... I want you. My mind has seized on you and I can think of nothing else.” He paused, the words difficult to get out. He spread his hands, a sad smile on his face. “Love makes us sick, haunts our dreams, and destroys our days.”

His suffering distressed her. A painful lump formed in her throat.

“So if you've come here with no feelings for me, then go.”

Imagining he saw no response to his confession, his eyes hardened. “Please leave,” he said, indicating the door with a sharp tilt of his head. He'd opened himself up to her, at enormous effort, and gotten no answer. The least she could do would be to allow him to wallow in his despair in peace.

Belle could not move, could not respond. She never had anyone speak this plainly about their feelings before. No one had ever made themselves vulnerable to her. Mr. Gold was offering her his heart. He'd as much as taken it out of his chest and placed it before her as an offering. The choice of what to do with it was hers.

She trembled, tears welling. This man with his expressive eyes and gentle hands had crept into her psyche. He had shown her body unfamiliar senses and desires. Books, music, they lacked color without him.

Gold did not see this in her countenance. His usual negativity and self-loathing won out.

“Why did you come back? To learn my weaknesses? I knew you could never care for me.” His voice was thick with emotion. He stood up, unable to bear her scrutiny any longer. “Get. Out.”

Anger rose in Belle. Was he blind? Why would she be here, if not for him? Her frustrations exploded, and she strode over to Mr. Gold and slapped him across the face. He stared at her, shocked. Belle hit him again, beating against his chest with her tiny fists.

Gold softened in relief beneath her blows. Her burst of emotion gave him hope again, and he enfolded her in his arms. The pummeling stopped, and she collapsed against him. He nuzzled first with his nose, then his lips along the side of her graceful neck. She looked up at him, and he kissed her, claiming her, over and over. He took her sweet bottom lip between his and sucked on it, then slipped his tongue in her mouth.

Belle slid her hands up his back, down his sides, pausing at his waist, then found the rigid line of his cock pushing against his pants. He moaned and sucked at her tongue. The sound of his desperation for her, and his obvious arousal, inflamed her desire to a fever pitch. Frantic with need, she struggled with his clothes, pulling at his shirt. Buttons popped and flew. As he slid his arms out, she tugged at her jacket, then unbuttoned her dress as fast as she could.

Gold abandoned her mouth and hungrily kissed his way down her throat. Impatient, he dropped to his knees. Belle yanked her dress away and stood in her hoops, petticoats, and corset. He ducked underneath them, ignoring the pain in his leg. He pulled her stockings down, then sucked and licked a path up her thigh, burying his face in her scent.

Belle felt as though she might burst into flames, consumed by his hunger. Dizzy, she unhooked her corset and dropped her hoops, first rushing then calmer as her heated skin met the cooler air. Gold's stubbled cheek brushed against the skin of her thigh, his lips and tongue searching. The unfamiliar sensations threatened to overwhelm her.

His thumbs parted her, then his tongue slid through her wetness, and she blushed. She hadn’t done this before, had never been kissed and licked there.

Sensing her hesitation, he paused. “Sweetheart, you are delicious. Let me show you...” He kept circling, the tip of his tongue applying pressure all around where she was most sensitive. Calloused fingers stroked and teased through swollen folds. When he sank a finger in her and felt the extent of her arousal, he groaned.

She rolled her hips, all shyness gone, the pleasure so fierce she feared she might fall. Loud, panting breaths escaped her mouth, the wonderful sound of them exciting Gold even further. He crooked his finger inside her, pressing in time with his rubbing tongue, which swirled and circled.

His mouth sucked at her pearl and her entire body tightened, building to a crescendo that vibrated to her core. Stars exploded behind her eyes as a shock of rapture hit her, then eased off in cascading waves. He stroked her, gentle and reverent, bringing her down from her high. Amazed at the response of her body, she grinned, radiant.

She helped Gold to his feet, impatient to explore his body. He had shown her ecstasy never before imagined, and she was eager to find out what else he could teach her. Laughter followed her frenzied attack on his pants. He pulled his trousers down and stood before her naked, cock jutting at attention. Belle pushed him down on the bed and crawled over top. He lifted his hand to touch her, but she caught it in hers and pressed it down. What could she do with him, could she inflame him as much as he had excited her?

“Is it your turn?” he asked.

She tapped his nose with mock seriousness. He grabbed her hand and kissed it, then remained still. If she needed this exploration, she would have it. Lust for this fearless woman filled him, and he throbbed, aroused beyond all reason.

Belle ran her hands down his chest, her face rapt. His skin was smooth and tan, a dusting of brown and silver hair forming a trail she followed with kisses. Flat, dark nipples distracted her, and she kissed them as well to see what his reaction would be. She was not disappointed. They knotted and tightened, just like hers when he'd caressed them. Biting them, she became more aggressive, and he quivered. The muscles in his arms flexed, and his fists clenched the sheets. He breathed slowly through his mouth, keeping control.

Her hands traveled in a circle, then figure eights, up to his collarbones, around his chest, down to his stomach and navel. The next pass took her lower.

She slid down his legs to get a better look at the flesh that throbbed thick and hot beneath her. She had never seen this part of a man in daylight. Her previous encounter, if you could even call it that, had been in the dark and over quickly.

Ever curious, she traced the vein on the underside up and down, then rubbed at the moisture that had beaded at the slit. Gold kept his hips pressed down against the mattress, the need to thrust overwhelming. He wanted her to explore to her heart's content. To be the object of her fascination was worth the frustration. The sight of her small hand wrapped around his cock almost ended her explorations. He closed his eyes, determined not to come.

She stroked him, up and down, the heat building. When her hot, wet tongue tentatively swirled the head he could endure no more. “I must have you, I cannot wait any longer. Please,” he said in a strangled voice.

In charge, sitting astride him, she knew he would do whatever she wished. His unashamed desire, and his willingness to wait for her permission, aroused her anew, and she wanted a repeat of the pleasure he had shown her before. She nodded and kissed him, nibbling at his lips. It was all the encouragement he needed.

He flipped them over, her slight form making him feel strong. His face caressed her breasts, his shaggy hair tickling her. Her silent giggles stopped when he drew her nipple into his mouth, sucking hard. Their playfulness turned to passion.

Unable to wait any longer, he spread her legs, the heat of her like nearing a furnace. He guided the blunt head of his cock to her entrance, pressing where she was slick and slippery. He marveled at how wet she was, how aroused, for him.

Belle shuddered, and he grabbed her hips to keep her still as he slid inside. She clenched him tight, her body rocking to meet him. He rubbed above where they were joined, his fingertip pressing and sliding. She panted and shook, bringing him to the brink, her responsiveness causing him to push deeper, circling his hips and grinding against her.

He wanted to be gentle, but the time for gentleness was past. Urgency gripped them both, and he thrust over and over and over, pounding relentlessly. She tightened around his length, her mouth open in a silent scream of ecstasy. His back arched. Crying out, he buried himself deep inside, spasming and shuddering with pleasure, the pressure at the base of his cock unfurling and spreading across his skin, like wildfire consuming him.

He collapsed on her, exhausted. Breathing in tandem, sweaty and trembling, they rolled on their sides to face each other in the morning light, dazed and overcome by the intensity of the experience. Foreheads touching, sharing each others air, nothing else existed.

End Note: More music from the film on youtube.

[takaraphoenix]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 5

1. Favorite character of this season?

Anya, I love her arc this season. She's just kind of been... there, in season 4, running along. No one really acknowledged the demon thing, there was no real bonding between Anya and everyone, she was just there. This season, finding her place in the world? Working at the Magic Box, then her in The Body – I mean seriously, her confronting mortality like that, I love it. I love her growth.

2. Outstanding minor character (positive or negative)?

Dawn. Sure, technically you could argue she's a “main character”, however... she's barely even a character, she's a plot-device so that really qualifies her as a minor character for me.

I always disliked Dawn, even when I was a teen myself. With some things, perspective shifts when you grow older, but Dawn just... always sucked. As a teen, I found her to be a cringey parody of the teen girl experience and now as an adult I still think that this is the peak of what a middle-aged man thinks the teen girl experience is. She's a cheap, one-dimensional caricature of a teenager.

She is a whiny brat, she constantly acts like “no one sees the real me”, she becomes a kleptomaniac to try and gain attention, she acts like no one loves her even though everyone constantly fawn over her every chance they got, she is a spoiled little brat that is completely unappreciative of all the things she gets. It's like they crammed every single shallow teen stereotype into this one character, making her a very one-dimensional character. Which is a bafflement considering Willow, Xander and Buffy started out as teenagers but they were always fully fleshed out characters with actual personalities. Heck, Cordelia was the most stereotypical character in the teenage years but even she got more depth and individuality.

Though I'd like to point out that while, as a character, Dawn is incredibly obnoxious, I do like her as what she is – a plot device. The way she creates new dynamics among the Scoobies, how other characters play off her and grow on her existence, the villain-plot she triggers.

3. Favorite character dynamic?

Too many, honestly. I adore the way Tara-Buffy grow in this season. Generally the friction between Spike and the Scoobies. Spike and Dawn in particular. The Buffy-Dawn dynamic too – Dawn being such a blank slate of Teen AngstTM allows for the other characters to shine in comparison. They get a new dynamic here, through the New Kiddo that puts them in perspective. Caring, gentle. The sisters-angle is a new one for Buffy and I do love her as a big sister, even if I wished her retconned sister had like... an actual personality.

4. Favorite canon romantic ship?

Spike/Buffy. Sue me, I'm Spuffy trash. Always been. The way he cares for her, the things he's willing to do. The little things. The self-sacrificial side, how he drops everything to help her whenever she needs him. And, I know, I give other ships flag for things equal or less in comparison to some of the shit that's happened/happening between Spike/Buffy, but see that's where taste comes into play. Liking and disliking things is just... all about that taste and tastes differ. For me, Spike/Buffy hits all the right spots. I love them so much.

5. Least favorite canon romantic ship?

Riley/Buffy. Once again. Seriously, this is just such a bad relationship. From the get-go she constantly put herself down to lift him up. Holding back her powers – which, of course, because otherwise she'd snap him in half during sparring – but pretending that's the max. She is always going out of her way to make him feel special and useful.

And he goes and gets fed on by a vampire and has the audacity to blame it on Buffy, because Buffy doesn't make him feel wanted enough. Even though she continuously tries making him feel important. It's ridiculous. Complaining that she didn't think about calling him when her mom went to the hospital, like she didn't have something else in her mind there? Setting her an ultimatum that she has to give him a reason to stay. After he essentially cheats on her, by sneaking around with vampires and letting them feed on him for the rush.

Now to go and leave with his little military buddies once more. After everything the military has done to him...? Their relationship was so bad for Buffy.

6. Favorite episode?

The Body. This is the singularly best episode... ever. In all television I've ever seen. This episode is overwhelmingly good. Sarah Michelle Gellar's acting is overwhelming in this episode. The choice to exclude music entirely, not even sad ones. How silence is allowed to longer, how unnerving the background noises become due to this silence.

The writing too, of course. Anya's words about death and mortality are so intense, they'll always stick with me. And not just her. Xander, Willow, Dawn, how they all handle this in a different way.

The choice alone that Joyce dies from something so fundamentally human, something no one could have prevented, something Buffy couldn't have fought. And – yes, that reaches ahead some – but the fact that the next episode also serves to have this unfold. It's not just “death and move on”. It's being dealt with, it's being digested, it's being taken seriously.

Too many writers feel the need to fun things up when it's getting serious, because they are afraid to lose their audience if there isn't a joke every five minutes. There is not a single joke in that entire episode. This show is funny as hell, but they know when not to joke. There is nothing to be made light here, this is serious, they are truly suffering. They know how important that is.

I've seen this episode surely a dozen times now. I cry so much every single time. Not just once. There are so many well-written, well-acted and well-executed moments in this episode. It's brilliant TV-making. It encapsulates what's so brilliant about this show overall; the human element, suffering, pain, dealing with pain, the balance between seriousness and humor and knowing when not to use humor.

7. Least favorite episode?

Episode two Real Me. It's the Dawn introduction episode and I've made clear what I dislike about Dawn; this episode introduces it all in the most teen angst cliche possible – writing a diary entry about how no one sees you for who you are and like no one could ever actually understand you.

8. Favorite Monster Of The Week?

...Dracula. I still... I consider that episode a fever-dream. It's one of the ones I opt to forget about whenever enough time has passed since my last rewatch because it just... doesn't fit into this show at all, it feels like a whacky filler arc in an anime, or a one-shot comic spin-off. But it's fun.

9. Least favorite Monster Of The Week?

This season doesn't actually have much of those. There's 4 or 5, depending on how you'd count, out of those 22, because this season is very streamlined about the Big Bad, more so than previous seasons were, and it is also very focused on the human issue – on Joyce's sickness and then her death. Out of those few, I guess the “let's split Xander in half” demon from episode 3 was my least favorite. It was... boring and due to this season's streamlining the fact that this was the most fillery filler episode felt a bit out of place, really.

10. Rate the overarching villain!

SO FREAKING GOOD.

Glory is a truly glorious villain. She's a god. But she is so – so frantic, so manic. She is fun to watch as a villain. The sheer size of the threat too. Which, it figures. There's always an escalation of threat.

(We will get back to that in the season 6 review though.)

Glory may just be my favorite Big Bad on this show, which only adds to how much I love this season. It's one of my favorites. Granted, I have a lot of favorite seasons.

Bonus: Other thoughts?

I love this season so very, very much. The human element, the growth, the villain-plot, the relationship developments. It's an incredible season. I'll get back to this when I finish my rewatch and actually do my ranking of seasons, but I am rating each episode – 1 to 5 – and getting the point-average, to have a more factual look at how much I loved a season. This one is through the roof, it scored an entire 1,5 more in average than season 4 did. There's only one episode in this that I gave a 1 to, but there are so many 4s.

That ending, to truly kill off your main character like that. So many gut-punches – but deserved gut-punches, not the ones that come out of nowhere and only serve shock-value.

I greatly enjoy and love seasons 1 to 3, but this season – this season reminds me why Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the best damn TV show ever created.

[flints-silver]

for the show ask meme: 9, 17, 19 (but you can't say s3 faith hehe), 23! 💕

9. season ranking?

okay this changes every day! seriously. but for right now i think:

1. season 3. season 3 will always be my favorite. not just cause of faith and fuffy (but like, hello) but also because i think it has the PERFECT balance of main arc and one off episodes. like, the faith and the mayor arc is my favorite main arc, and then we have amazing one offs like the prom, band candy, the zeppo, the wish, doppelgangland (vamp willow!!), homecoming, anne, earshot, etc. i mean this season is so amazing, there’s almost no bad episodes, it just has the perfect balance. i love it. the only slight negatives for me are xander/willow, the whole cheating thing, not enough faith in the beginning of the season, but this is the perfect season for me. seriously, faith BREAKS my heart. and bad girls happened. 

2. season 2. ugh i love this season, and again it’s always going to be my second favorite. these two don’t change. the whole angel turning to angelus twist got me SHOOK on the first watch, and is the moment i really fell in love with the show. spike/drusilla/angelus is delicious. and we have adorable woz and xander/cordelia. to me the later scoobies could never replace the early ones, im sorry. willow starts to do magic! to me this season is the show at it’s most “itself” if that makes sense. still a lot of corny monster of the week episodes left over from season one, but still an amazing season.

3. season 4. i used to not be big on season 4. it was just such a jarring change coming off of my favorite era (the high school years) and my favorite season. i miss angel and cordy and my heart breaks when oz leaves. the setting was so different and weirdly...big and bright, and i was not ready. but now, while it’s definitely not a perfect season, i love seeing everyone...happy? this is one of the most lighthearted seasons of the whole show, and it’s just nice to see. happy buffy warms my heart. the main arc is pretty lame, riley is uninspiring, but there are a ton of fun one offs and it’s cool to see the show trying to find it’s footing again and figure out what it’d going to be next. it’s also the ONLY college season, which is weird. usually in shows that transition, they go to high school, and then stay in college for the next couple seasons. not this show, and the novelty of this being the only college season again makes it really unique in the verse and fun.

4. season 5. season 5 is crafted nearly perfectly. the glory arc is the most well thought out in the whole show imo. it twines together dawn (and yay, they bring in dawn! i love her) and glory and buffy in such an interesting way. there’s so much foreshadowing into buffy’s realization that she has to sacrifice herself to save the world, and the writing just feels elevated this season. that being said, i think this season was a little too main arc heavy, and really could have used more fun one offs to help keep the season from blending together. basically, this season and season 4 have the opposite problems. this is also where shit starts to get depressing, and while i do find it cathartic, it also isn’t as fun to watch. but i do love seeing more of who buffy is. as much as i want her to be happy, the depth she has and the pain she feels is part of why she means so much to me, so

5. season 6. listen...this season is very polarizing, and i feel like i’m of two minds about it. on one hand it’s depressing as hell, and can be uncomfortable to watch. willow’s addiction arc was misunderstood by the writers, spuffy went way darker then i wanted it to, and everything was just :/. on the other hand, one of the biggest reasons i love this show so freaking much is because of how much it took risks, how much it was unafraid to tell the stories it wanted to tell, how much it would experiment and “go there”. i just respect it. this show feels like art to me because it’s imperfect and it’s passionate and it puts it’s ideas out there. as much as i do prefer the high school era, what would this show be without the later years? not as thought provoking or meaningful i think. this season is a lot to get through and definitely changes the tone and characters a lot, but i feel like it has a lot to say and it’s beautiful and a super emotional journey for me

6. season 1. i keep debating putting season 1 higher because i really do love it. the little baby scoobies are so cute and happy!! HAPPINESS OKAY. i love seeing them meet and become friends. their chemistry and dialogue is so good. but ultimately it’s too short and doesn’t have that much to say. a lot of the eps are cheesy. still love it though.

7. season 7 is a fever dream. what the hell’s happening half the time? the writing was all over the place. the whole thing was dragged down by spuffy, even worse than in season 6. i love the idea of the potentials but them actually being there wasn’t super interesting. the scoobies never recovered and spent time together after season 6 like they should have. the scoobie separation in season 6, and even season 4, felt purposeful but in season 7 it felt lazy. the writing was... :/. it’s like they didn’t understand their own characters. empty places happened. i don’t like robin wood. i could go on. but i do like willow’s arc this season, i like kennedy a lot, faith comes back!!, chosen was a great and meaningful ending. i love seeing buffy grow into an adult and leader. a strong, beautiful, broken one. but ultimately wtf was this season?

17. most inspired storyline?

hmm, this is hard. a lot of them are. i love willow’s struggle with power, i love buffy’s whole arc, willow turning into dark willow. i think i’ll have to go with angel turning into angelus though. it’s such a great idea and twist and metaphor. it rocks. 

19. favorite villain? 

again hard! i love so many of the big bads (angelus/spike/drusilla, the mayor, glory and dark willow mainly). idk if this is just for btvs but i also lovee lilah morgan. a smaller one but i love sunday from the freshman. i really really love vamp willow she’s uhh sexy. i might have to go with her if i can’t say faith :)

23. best performance in an episode?

these questions are killing me!! sarah is amazing always. i love comedic episodes like living conditions and intense ones like innocence and i only have eyes for you, etc. spike is great a lot of the time. trying to pick specific episodes, alyson’s performance is amazing in wrecked when she crashes the car. i love eliza’s in enemies she’s just so fwjlfjw. giles when he kills ben. they’re all always amazing i can’t pick jdwlkmmdlwmlkmds

anyway lyd thanks so much for asking and im sorry this was so long!!

[xillveart]

Three

Pairing: Bakugou x Koge (OC)

Rating: Mature | Cursing, implied violence / mugging, body image TW, sexual phrases and provocative interactions but no full on explicit content. 

Genre: Romance | Humor | Angst

Words:  3,617

Koge tilted her head to the side a bit as she observed her reflection, standing in front of a full body mirror that was connected to the wall of her closet. Behind her, the image of clothes were blurry and non-existent, focused solely on the brilliant diamond that glistened against the dim light from further into the closet. Left hand resting on her chest, she brought her right arm around to hug herself, eyes never leaving the engagement ring. She had missed it, the way it fit so perfectly onto her finger and the delicate shine that represented how fierce her love for her husband truly was. It had been over a year since she had lost it, and the fact that it was actually back on her finger was nearly enough to make her believe she was dreaming.

No, she hadn’t lost it. It had been taken from her, during a mugging while she was out at night. Remembering the event, Koge knew that she could have done something to prevent it. That man, even though he was large, had nothing but a knife to threaten her with. She could have easily turned things around, her skill and training giving her the upper hand. And yet, she couldn’t. Not because she was scared for herself or because the man was terrifying. It was her children that made her stop, that made her so compliant and willing to give the man anything he demanded.

Heading to the train station after dark, Koge had both her children with her after a play-date with her best friend Nene, who had two children of her own. Koge held the small Natsuki in one arm as she slept, while Matsuki walked beside her, holding her hand. There wasn’t a reason for them to feel nervous or scared, having taken this trip many times with no problems. But that night, it had been particularly dark with very few people on the streets. The man had surprised them, coming out of an ally, staying mostly hidden in the shadows with only his knife reflecting the light. He had demanded everything Koge had on her person, down to her earrings and rings on her finger.

Her only thought was to protect her babies, and if that meant handing over everything, then she would. A fight, she had thought, would put them in even more danger. The man could easily snatch one of them as a hostage while she was trying to fight him off, or they could accidentally get hurt. Koge couldn’t bare the thought.

The purse wasn’t that hard for her to hand over. It was small, with only her phone, wallet and keys inside. Yes, her phone was important and the wallet had credit cards and cash, but that could easily be taken care of with a simple phone call to cancel the cards. The earrings were the same, some cheap medium sized hoops with fake diamonds, something that she decided wouldn’t matter. But the engagement ring was the hardest to give up.

It was everything to her, all her memories and happiness she felt with her husband. It was a symbol of his affections for her, and as she took it off her finger, it felt as if a piece of her was being taken with it. Letting it fall into the grimy fingers of the attacker was like a horrible betrayal, as if she were giving up her own heart.

Somehow, Koge had managed to keep her wedding ring, the man either not noticing it or not caring enough about it to demand it. Once satisfied that he had everything she could offer, he fled, leaving her numb and horrified. The only thing that pulled her back from collapsing was her children, the soft voice of Matsuki gaining her attention. Kneeling down beside them, she quickly snatched them both up and made her way into a convenience store that was nearby, wanting to be in the light. Her strength and strong will quickly gave out as they made their way into the candy aisle, where she found herself sitting on the floor, Natsuki in her lap.

Thankfully, her son had a cellphone that could only make calls to her, her husband and the police, and that had gone unnoticed as it rested in the child’s pocket. Koge didn’t bother to call the police first. Instead, she called her husband, breaking down into tears the instant she heard his voice. Telling him what had happened was incredibly difficult through her sobs, but that didn’t matter. Just hearing the state she was in was enough to make him rush over as quickly as he could.

Cancelling her credit cards and protecting her identity was easy enough, but the guilt of losing the ring was heavy on Koge’s shoulders. The man was never caught, her items never returned or found. She assumed that he sold it all, making good money before hiding away until he was ready for his next attack. It took Koge a few months to get over the fear of it happening again, refusing to go anywhere with her children after dark unless her husband was with them. It took even longer for her to no longer crave the feeling of that ring on her finger, to come to terms with the fact that she would never have it back.

But just this morning, it had been returned to her. Her husband had somehow found it in a pawn shop and presented it to her as a gift that Christmas morning. He had made sure that it was polished, clean and perfect, the engraving on the inside just as clear as it had always been. Two capital Ks separated by a heart, something so simple and yet represented a lifetime of friendship and love. It was horribly cheesy, but she loved it, a true action of affection. Now, it once again sat on her finger, where it always should have been.

Koge had cried for nearly an hour when her husband first slipped it on her finger, just as he had nearly seven years ago. He had told her that she was being over dramatic after the first ten minutes of pouring tears, but she just couldn’t help it. Not only had her prized possession been returned to her, she had learned that her husband had been searching for it or for a replica of the ring since she originally lost it.

Bakugou Katsuki was not a sensitive man. Even now as an adult at thirty years old, he was loud and aggressive, powerful and driven to be the top hero in the country. He was private and preferred his personal life to be separated from his profession, which was something that he took very seriously. And though he was rough, short tempered and foul mouthed, he adored his family. Koge remembered once when he admitted that she was the fuel to his fire, something that kept him pursuing his passions and striving to better himself. She knew very well that she wasn’t the singular thing pushing him, but the fact that he admitted out loud that she was such an important piece of his puzzle truly made her swoon.

He would do anything to provide for his family, to make sure that they were happy and comfortable. There wasn’t a need for him to constantly express his love with tender actions, letters or gifts. The meals he cooked every night when he was home, the way he roughhoused with Natsuki before bed, the conversations about books or art with Matsuki, and the way he greeted Koge every day with a soft touch to the cheek and a gentle kiss. Those simple things and many more were something that Koge thought she would never see from him, having known him since childhood. Every time she watched him come home and greet his children as they ran up to him, she couldn’t help but feel blessed.

He’s too good to me, Koge thought to herself, reaching up to tenderly touch the diamond. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve him…

With a huff, she let both hands fall down to her sides, her eyes tearing away from the ring to instead look at her body. Dressed pajama shorts and a tank top, Koge found herself happy with the way she looked. She had made it a point to intensify her training and work out routine the past few years, having gotten a bit sloppy when her children were at a newborn and toddler stage. Staying home those few years doing nothing took a toll on her. Not just her body, but her mental health as well, feeling like she was becoming nothing but a slob that Bakugou would eventually get bored of. She had become so depressed and dragged down by negative self-image thoughts that she had even refused to let him see her without clothes, let alone make love without the lights off.

Things were better now, her routine set and even still teaching martial arts at a studio. Her hero work had unfortunately been too much for her to handle while being a parent of two, and so she had made the decision to abandon that life. It had been too much for her, though all her training wasn’t wasted, as she implemented everything she learned into teaching others. Though, lately, there had been something bugging her that she knew would throw her plans and routine off again. It was like a fever, something that just wouldn’t leave her mind, especially as she watched Matsuki and Natsuki enjoy their Christmas.

It was a baby fever, one so severe that she thought about it every day. Koge found herself missing the way she felt while pregnant, the joy it brought and how wonderful it was to have a newborn. Yes, there were painful and hard times, but those were of little consequence.

Placing her hand on her lower abdomen, Koge slowly slid her hand upwards, taking her shirt with it to expose her flat and toned stomach. She could still see some light stretch marks from her other two births, though she had been treating them during and after her pregnancies to have them not be so severe. She couldn’t get the feeling and image out of her mind, her craving to have a baby so intense it nearly made her want to cry.

“Utsuro? Are you alright?”

Koge’s mind was pulled from her wandering thoughts to look at her husband through the mirrors reflection, his crimson gaze instantly sending butterflies raging in her stomach. As he walked inside the large walk in closet, clad in only a towel that was around his hips, Koge quickly pulled her shirt back down. “I-I’m fine, Katsuki. I was just… thinking.”

“About?” He stopped at his dresser, pulling open a drawer to take out a pair of boxers to sleep in. “You were looking at your stomach…”

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Koge fiddled a bit with the engagement ring on her finger, watching him dress through the reflection. “It’s not what you think. I’m over that now, you know that.” Bakugou ruffled his still damp hair after pulling on the boxers, tossing the towel into a dirty clothes bin as he made his way over to her. “That doesn’t mean I’m not going to worry about it when I see you like that.” He placed his hands on her shoulders, giving them a comforting squeeze as he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head.

Smiling, Koge leaned back against him, bringing her hand up to rest over one of his softly. “No, love, really that’s not it.” Bakugou gave a soft hum, his hands sliding down to her upper arms. “Good. Because you’re damn perfect, I don’t ever want you to get depressed like that again.” Leaning her head back on his shoulder, Koge turned her head a bit to look up at him, keeping her soft smile as she caressed his cheek gently. “I won’t, Katsuki. I’m alright.” As he leaned in to kiss her softly, he brought one hand up to caress her neck, stroking her jawline with his thumb.

“So what were you doing then?” Bakugou asked, smirking against her lips. “Checking yourself out?” With a small roll of her eyes, Koge gave his cheek a rough, playful pat, ignoring his snickering. “No, Katsuki. I was just thinking.”

“About?” His hands moving to caress her hips, Bakugou began to trail soft kisses down her cheek and to her neck, making tingles spread across Koges skin. She was silent for a moment, soaking in the warmth of his presence as she tried to gather her courage.

“How come we never had another?”

“Another what?” A bit distracted by her skin, he didn’t see her intense stare, until he chanced a glance up at the mirror. Pausing, he looked down at her hand, which was resting on her stomach. “Ah… hm. We did always talk about having three. It’s not too late for that Utsuro.” Koge gave a small shake of her head, surprising Bakugou enough to make him stand back up straight. “Katsuki, we can’t…”

“And why not? Both of your pregnancies went fine and you’re not too old-”

“That’s not what I mean. What… What about Natsuki?” Koge kept eye contact with her lover through the reflection, though it grew a bit blurry as her eyes grew teary. “What if it happens again? What if she thinks we’re trying to replace her?”

“What?! Utsuro, that’s fucking ridiculous. Natsu wouldn’t care, I think she’d be damn happy to have a younger sibling. She doesn’t care that she’s quirkless.”

“Yes she does, Katsuki. You don’t remember that she wanted to ask Santa for a quirk? I had to tell her that wasn’t possible.” Koge hiccuped softly as she reached up to wipe her cheeks free of tears. “She still doesn’t really understand. And what if we have another child, and they have a crazy strong quirk? You don’t think she’ll feel jealous or replaced?”

Bakugou shook his head, glowering down at his wife as he grew annoyed with this kind of negative talk. “Koge. All these ‘what ifs’ aren’t going to help anything. I don’t think Natsuki would feel that way. She doesn’t about Matsu. The only time she ever said that it was unfair was that first night after we told her, when she broke down. That’s it.”

The use of her first name made Koge suck in a breath, trying her best to calm down. “She’s just so young… I wouldn’t want there to be any resentment between them…”

“There wouldn’t be. We’d make sure of that.” Bakugou reached up to wipe some remaining tears from her cheeks, his gentle touch still a bit rough due to his nature. “And even if this one ends up quirkless, too… It doesn’t matter. Though I seriously doubt something like that would happen.”

Koge peered up at him through one eye, the other squeezed shut as his thumb ran across her cheek. “We thought that about Natsuki. I don’t know, Katsuki… Maybe that’s why we never talked about having another. I feel so… guilty about that.”

“There’s no reason to. It’s not your fault. You can’t control your bloodline that came before you, Utsuro. All you can control now is your health and the health of your children. And I’m here to support and care for all of you.” Bakugou turned her around to face him, hands once again firmly on her shoulders. “Get it?”

Koge sniffled, reaching up to wipe her nose with the back of her hand. “Sometimes I think I’m such a mess. Crying over something that hasn’t even happened yet…” Bakugou sighed, rocking her from side to side a bit. “You are a mess. You’re a mess with a cute ass and a fucking beautiful smile. Now stop making me say all these mushy things, I did enough of that today, don’t you think?”

Giggling softly, Koge followed his movements, leaning from side to side willingly. “For someone who hates Christmas, you were so into it today. You even read a story from a book for Natsu! It was adorable.” Bakugou scoffed, though Koge saw the corners of his mouth twitch up a bit into a hint of a smile. “She wouldn’t stop begging me so I had to. If we did have another, I just hope it wouldn’t be as crazy as her. I think all that coffee you drank while pregnant made her permanently hyper.”

Pouting, Koge shook her head, gripping onto both of his arms gently. “I drank the maximum amount I was allowed to have. I don’t think that made a difference. I think it’s your crazy genes that made her hyper. That, and watching all your fights. She was begging me to let her watch our recordings of you in high school at the sports festival, but I haven’t let her yet without asking you.”

“Tch, if she watches me on the news, it’s no different. I don’t mind.” Bakugou looked down, watching as Koge lightly traced the form of his stomach with her fingers. “What are you doing?” “I just love your body, Katsuki. I’m so lucky. I got a sweet and caring husband with muscles and a nice tush.”

“Tush?” Bakugou glowered down at her as she giggled, loving to see his ears flush red with embarrassment. “Oh man,” Koge teased, slipping her fingers under the elastic rim of his boxers to tug him in closer. “I cannot believe you actually just said ‘tush’. It means ass.” Bakugou huffed, reaching up to pinch her nose shut. “I know what it means! Why the fuck did you have to use that word, though? It sounds stupid!” Laughing now, Koge let her arms wrap around him, forcing him to release her as she shoved her face into his chest. “‘Cause you got a cute tush. Cuter than mine.”

“That I don’t agree with.” Bakugou held her still with one arm while he used his free hand to give her backside a hard smack, making her squeal and latch onto him tighter. “O-ouch! Katsuki, don’t make me scream like that, I’ll wake up the kids!”

“Nah, they’re out cold. They had way too much excitement today with no naps. I think I can beat you up a little without them noticing anything. These new pajamas look fucking hot on you, by the way. I made a good choice.”

“Sh!” Koge reached up and covered his mouth, trying to be serious, though giggles continued to escape her. “Katsuki, we were having a serious conversation.” Bakugou nibbled at the skin of her palm, making her quickly pull them back before she was subjected to a full bite. “You’re right. Let’s have another.”

“Just like that?” Koge glowered up at him, her cheeks flushing bright red. “We have to be serious about this, I--” She was interrupted by her own squeak as Bakugou scooped her up, throwing her over his shoulder as he started towards the bedroom. “You want another, we can have another! We have the room, the money and the time. Stop kicking your feet!” Bakugou gave her butt a smack as he went through the door to their bedroom, though Koge continued to struggle.

“Ouch! Katsuki, we can’t just randomly--” He cut her off by throwing her onto the bed, where she struggled to sit up before he could join her. “We can’t just randomly have a baby!”

“Sure we can.” Bakugou smirked as he crawled onto the bed, snatching her by the feet and tugging her body closer to him. “We just have to fuck.”

“Don’t be so vulgar about it!” Koge put her hands on the top of his head to try and push him down, though she was no match against him as he began to kiss his way up her stomach, her shirt going with him. It wasn’t that she was no match for his strength, but instead it was his kisses. His hands and lips against her skin felt so good and so warm that she would literally let him do anything to her, as long as he didn’t stop touching her. “W-we need to plan it.”

“Do we?” Bakugou skipped her chest, moving his kisses to her neck. “What for? We have months to plan, after you get pregnant.”

“That won’t happen if I have my birth control still in my arm! You dummy!” Koge glared up at him as he stopped, sitting up from her body to look down at her in confusion.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” She crossed her arms over her chest, not giving up on her glare even as his smirk returned. “So we do have to plan it. We can’t just-- hey, Katsuki!” Koge’s body was lifted a bit from the bed as her shorts were removed, tossed away and leaving her just in some underwear and the tank top. “Do you not get what I’m saying?”

“No, I get it.” Bakugou gently urged her arms to uncross, bringing them both up over her head as he held them down with one hand, the other caressing her cheek. After he took her lips in a kiss, Koge quickly found herself melting into him, so engrossed in his affection that she didn’t really know why she had been pushing back in the first place. With his hands sliding down her body, Bakugou smirked against her lips, his crimson glare lighting a fire within her core that she just couldn’t resist.

“Even if we do have to plan… There’s nothing wrong with a little practice.”

[kyasarinkishinuma]

Clone Troopers Headcanons: Relationships

Hello there ;) I'm considerably new to Tumblr and a crazy fan for Star Wars, especially The Clone Wars, and am proud to finally add to the fandom!! I happen to be just loving the clones lately and thought I'd do some random relationship headcanons for them (beware, includes NSFW). Those for Rex, Cody, Echo, Kix and Wolffe are strongly based off stuff I've read on @jynandtonics ' account, so please please PLEASE take a look at her own headcanons, they are lovely!!!

Rex

He'd be more the type to head out to actually do something on dates. Like, he can go to restaurants and such, but would rather bond with you over a fire, cuddling up for warmth, after a long day exploring woods.

Worded basically, this man is born to run. Forget sitting around and doing nothing. But if you mean to relax together at one point, he will slow his pace to grant that kind of luxury to you both. Just, at the end of the day, it's important for him to have accomplished something.

He's a great lover in bed. He usually adapts his pace to the mood, fast and crisp and satisfying when desperate for each other and just tearing at each others' clothes, slow and elaborate and passionate after a big scare during a rough mission to remind you he's still there. He doesn't mind switching things up, for example, having you on top, he loves watching your vigorous movements as you try to satisfy you both and how your breasts bounce to your rhythm with your head tilted back, he'll do his best to assist you and will hold your hips and butt to support you. Your comfort matters a lot to him. He's always open to trying new things since he trusts you and knows you'd really be happy to see the result. I say he wouldn't be very noisy, but a grunt, usually muffled against your breast or neck, is usually inevitable when he reaches his high. He'll never leave a task unfinished and will strive until he pushes his beloved over the edge.

Cody

Has been influenced by Obi-Wan and is very sweet and supportive. He will never say any negative things about his lover.

He's focused merely on pleasing his lover, and therefore is not afraid to give oral. In fact, that's one of his favourite ways to wake you up. He'll surprise you in the cutest ways, joining you in the shower, wrapping his arms around you from behind, giving a small, teasing grope to your butt while watching a movie, as his way to signal that he's in the mood. You guys find yourselves beneath the sheets surprisingly often and for long rounds for a man who looks, well, almost innocent. But let me tell you, he's so far from it. From his hungry, possessive touches to his low, sinful grunts while thrusting into you, you know he can be turned into someone else completely. Especially if you tease him, just to hear his low growls as he aches to flip you over and show you who's in charge.

Echo

He's very much aware of details and will appreciate them (thank his love for reading). After his initial shyness and clumsiness, he has love fever and is just absolutely in love with you.

He daydreams about you, talks about you, thinks of you whenever he sees basically anything, I swear. You have invaded his mind.

This boi appreciates silence and just calmness. When he knows he won't be on mission for a while and doesn't have to worry about not having enough time with you before being deployed again, worded differently, when relaxed and not utterly desperate for time with you, he'll certainly appreciate just being quiet together and reading together. Reading together cuddled up on the couch or in your bed is not a rare sight.

This bun can be so clumsy and shy in bed, apologizing madly whenever he gets a squeak out of you because the last thing he wants to do to you is hurt you. So it's important for you to encourage him. His uncertainty really isn't that bad to put up with since, well, yeah it's adorable, but also because the clear lovingness to every touch, every gesture, every compliment... It just warms up your heart. He's just so sweet, and so completely enamoured with you, which is why he can be so nervous, he just wants it to feel good and to be perfect for you, to the point when he forgets about himself sometimes. But once he's been properly reassured, that hesitance goes away, so all there is to it is love. Sweet, kind, gentle love, the most love you've ever felt and the most love anyone could ever feel. Showering your face with gentle kisses, the cutest compliments, the most loving calls of your name as he leans his forehead against yours and closes your eyes. It starts off slow, but quickens as he slowly starts to go wild from just how wonderful his lover feels around him. He'll call your name, gasp out, quiver, moan out in response to your own sounds. His presence is so strong and close during this intimate moment, and it's something that feels like both of you are putting your efforts into, together.

Wolffe

He won't say much, and is much more of a physical person. Although his teddy bear, protective snuggling and rare sweet words are more than enough for you to know how much he really holds dear to do. You make his gray, grumpy days so much brighter and easier to pull through.

When you finally get time alone with him, your ultimate mission is to just crack a smile out of him. Thanks to @jynandtonics my mind is obsessed with the thought that this boi would just LOVE cooking, so yay, make some cake together but oops, sorry, I got some batter on your cheek! Reach up, wipe it off... Ahh, a small smile right there! Seriously, his smile means the world to you, and you feel so special for being the only one who can quite get one out of him. Whether it be due to a small happy dance, you squealing when he accidentally sneaks up on you, or a loving look in the intimacy of your dark bedroom.

He actually doesn't have much of a clue what he's supposed to do as a boyfriend, and will therefore take the time to search it up (not ask around, he'd never take advice for something so secretly important to him from mere brothers, he needs to be sure to find the best answers. And either way, he's not the type to brag much about you, in order to make sure no one steals you from him), searching up what couples do and such, good date ideas and romantic dinner ideas. Therefore, you often recognize classic date ideas, or dream ideas for the perfect night spent together. Most ideas end up messing up horribly because, well, dream ideas, not reality. But to see Wolffe try so hard for you is good enough for you, and you always remind him. It's okay if it's not perfect. His efforts warm up your heart, and all that counts to you is to be with him. Such sweet words always manage to comfort him, along with a good night of sleep protectively holding his precious lover close against him, without a single inch of space between you to spare. He'll never let anything keep you apart, ever.

Making love with Wolffe? Oh dear. Remember that part when I said he wants to keep you all to himself? Well, yeah, if you couldn't tell before, you definitely can in bed. It feels like he's eating you up, his lips on every single part of your body, hot, hungry and full of desire, making your soft, sensitive skin tingle and swell underneath his nips and sucks. Hungry? He'll literally eat you out. This man has no shame and very openly expresses his desire and longing for you, his hands are all over you, as is his mouth as he breathes down on you hard, his nose brushing against intimate spots as he does so. He's big on tease just to hear you whine and squirm beneath him, but will be quick to jump to the point, grabbing you suddenly and dragging you over to him when he gets tired and just wants to screw you over the edge. He's usually fast and rough, his grip on you tight and his hot breath fanning your face as he works furiously and fervently. Claw marks on your thighs are not a rare sight, and nor are scratches all across his back and shoulders. But he loves the pain and the screams, he just does. And if you like it too, he will gladly comply to handing spanks and such, but only if you are comfortable with it. His point is barely to hurt you. In fact, at the end of it all, his teddy bear side comes back out to take care of you, kissing the bruises he's made and holding you close as he inhales the sweet mixed scent of your hair, sex, and sweat.

Kix

Due to his profession as medic, he has lots of knowledge about the body ex. Sweet spots and absolutely loves worshipping his perfect lover's. He just is really fond of touching and such, being amazed by how great your body is.

Being a medic is tiring. Therefore, Kix will take any calm, slow time he can grant himself to just relax and have a good time. Like, he won't sleep through free days, but seriously they're an amazing opportunity to try and get him to release the reserve of stress within him. Massages, baths, laughs, goodness, just treat this boy to a nice and relaxing time, all right?

I did mention he really likes touching your body, right? And I mean it. Your body is fascinating to him. He likes seeing it in different positions, kissing new spots to see your reactions and where you like him to tease you best. He teases you a bit in bed, but only enough for you to be ready, unless you want more or the mood is special. He's just too sweet to torture you in that way. He knows what he's doing since, well, he knows the body so well, and therefore is barely ever clumsy or hesitant, but makes sure you're comfortable with what he's doing. It's also fairly easy for him to stay in control of himself because his work as a medic has earned him nerves of steel... Well, unless you decide to tease him. And oh can you get noises and squirms out of him when you put yourself to it. He can get quite noisy, calling your name out as his hand bundles in your hair, shaking helplessly underneath your devilish lips. Seriously though, in the end, all that matters for him in the end is to make you feel good. He's a passionate lover, usually slow to just take in every sigh of bliss and shiver of your perfect body, but will finish you off faster if you ask him to or if he judges it better to do so.

Oh, and important note; your periods. At first, they'd confuse the poor man since sure, it involves your body and all, but male bodies don't bleed their lives out once a month...? But since it has to do with your body and is natural, he'd get used to it very quickly and would definitely find ways to cope, which usually involve buying you your favourite sweets and being understanding if you feel like lying around watching movies or not being touched. He won't take it personally. But if you're looking up at him with puppy eyes whining about a cramp? He'll join you in your bed, hug you tight against him, but carefully so he doesn't make the pain any worse, and refuse to budge until you feel any better.

Oh, and speaking of natural things, I feel like Kix would be very open toward anything natural, for example, pubes or body weight and such won't ever really disturb him. In fact, it turns him on a lot. That's a great excuse for you to get him to take his clothes off to try some natural product on him because mmm. His shoulders. His muscles. His ass.

Hardcase

He's just a bit too hyper to be able to just sit still and think things through, so it's the same for a lot of things that he does for his lover. He's fairly simple, enjoying basic things like eating with her, having laughs and just seeing her smile. To others, these things might seem small, but to him, they mean the world, and seeing the way they make his eyes shine, you're more than satisfied. Although when he does take the time to plan something big out... A special night, or memorizing a text he wrote all by himself describing how much you mean to him and how he loves laughing with you, or a gift he made -and probably messed up but it's cute so- just for you... It takes your breath away, to see how much effort he put just for you.

His puppy love for you is just so adorable and pure. It's a romance filled with laughs and good times, and fights are very rare since this guy's just so freakin' hilarious and doesn't dwell much on things. Oh, he stole the last pizza slice you had been saving for your lunch? A soft apology, a quick kiss and a wide, boyish grin and oops what was I angry about again? Come on, you just can't be mad at this guy. And he just barely ever gets mad himself, he's a happy bean that's happy to live another day to shoot at clankers and to spend another night just restlessly rolling over again and again in bed until you shush him with a long, loving kiss. Although sometimes it takes a little more than a kiss to calm him down. ;)

Remember when Fives and he were trying out those ships and he was just cheering and yelling? That's also a daily part of your routine. So is his adorable grin. You guys like heading out to see new places and to try new things, anything that has you two moving since he can't quite sit still. A musical? He's gonna get bored and end up just restlessly squirming in his seat and murmuring lame jokes or comments into your ear until you're giggling so much that you have to be driven out of the theatre. Therefore, going to the beach to play (and fall in love all over again) in the waves, going to festivals to just scream and headbang together, and trying out new activities such as skiing and watching each other flop around and fail miserably as you laugh your butts off has become a more common type of thing for you guys to do during days off.

Hardcase in bed? God, he can't get himself to shut up. It's a time filled with giggles and laughs as he gives off comments or accidentally noses a ticklish spot. Your laughing just makes him so happy. It's a happy, loving moment, which sometimes will turn quite serious and quiet, usually in the middle of it all, in the heat of the moment. He'll be handing you a boyish grin as he moves up into you, but your eyes will then meet and he'll find himself so... Mesmerized, amazed by your absolute beauty. His intense gaze will burn into yours as he gently holds you to support himself to help maintain his steady pace, his face giving off a rare, focused look, and when you're lucky you'll get a sexy bite of his lip too. Grunts and groans do escape him, and as he gets closer to his high, his more hyper side will kick in, speeding up his thrusts considerably as the poor bed squeaks noisily beneath you two. He'll dip over you as he gives out cries of pleasure mixed in with your own from the crazy stimulation, his noises long and strained, until as his movements become clumsier he'll choke out your name and pant hard and moan. Afterwards, he's be quaking violently from it all, allowing you to hold him close to him and to stroke his head and cheek gently. All in all, it's intense and noisy when you two finish off, and as much as he's not the best and most elaborate of all lovers, you do see that he gives it his all, getting as many laughs and smiles out of you and pleasing you as much as he can. Oh, and he really enjoys seeing what he does to you, so he tends to loom a bit over you to admire your body and face when he's not busy trying not to go wild from how amazing and tight you feel.

[undertaleimaginationland]

Hiya! Can you do a scenario where UT Sans and US Papyrus are arguing with their crush (who likes them back) and they (the skeletons) end up confessing their feelings? Thanks! I love your writing btw! It's super good omf

Okay so first off, sorry about being a damn slacker on my inbox. Secondly, these arguments are going to be less than serious because I’m awful at angst XD

And can I just say how mush fun I had with this one? I got a little too carried away with Stretch’s scenario though.

Undertale

Sans-

You and Sans were probably arguing about something completely dumb and obscure.

“You’re wrong and I’m right, loser. Just admit it.”

Sans quickly chides you with a wag of his finger. “that’s where you’re wrong, kiddo.”

You crossed your arms and leaned on the couch. “You really think that the first Shrek was better than the second one? Ha!,” With a soft knock to his skull, you giggle at the hollow sound it makes. “Such a bonehead.”

Sans rolls his eyelights and pushes you away. “ha ha ha, very funny, but seriously though. you prefer shrek 2 over the original? that’s just sacrilege.”

You put your jazz hands up and wiggled them a bit. “Ohohoh! So the magic skeleton wants to talk religion, huh?”

Sans punched your shoulder playfully and laughed. “oh stars, that’s not what i meant and you know that.”

“Oh but of course,” You cooed incredulously. “But back to the subject! There’s no doubt in my mind that Shrek 2 was the best Shrek movie.” You were dead set on proving this bonebag wrong.

“alrighty then, shoot ‘em.”

You blinked. “Shoot what?”

Sans snickered, “your reasons, kiddo. show me the carfax.”

You beamed, propping a victorious leg next to Sans. “Gladly,” You cleared your throat and began your spiel. “Well first off, the soundtrack was undeniably genius; Holding Out For A Hero, Funkytown, I Need Some Sleep. Freaking Livin’ La Vida Loca! Secondly, the plot is much more dynamic and eventful than the first one! But most importantly, h u m a n S h r e k.”

Sans rubbed his face and chuckled. “oh stars, one of your reasons is human shrek?”

“Oh come on!,” You threw your hands up. “Don’t tell me you wouldn’t bang human Shrek! You’re a liar if you say otherwise!”

“oh yeah, cause that’s what i think about every night: doin’ the nasty with a humanized version of an ogre, right?”

“Uh yeah? At least, you should be.”

Sans gave you a weary smile. “riiiight… welp, i can’t judge you. ‘sides, when i first saw the movie, i thought fiona was pretty hot.”

You let out a whooping laugh. “What?! No way!!” You were sure if you had water, you would’ve done a spit take.

“yeah, but she’s not as hot as you.”

You laughed. “Pfft yeah… wait what?”

Did…did he just…

Sans quirked a bone brow at your odd expression. “what? all i said was-” Sans replayed what he had previously said and in an instant, he smacked his mouth shut.

“Y-You,” You began with a titter. “You just c-called me hot.” You felt the heat rise to your cheeks. Had your long-term crush finally admit to you his true feelings, or was this some sort of sick fever dream?

Sans gulped as he sank in his hoodie. Oh how he wished he could just fall off the face of the earth right now. He didn’t give you an answer, but his skull was a luminescent blue right now. He feels like absolute crap right now. And from that gaping look on your face, he could tell he was being rejected.

“S-Sans I-”

“you don’t need to say anything.”

“Just give me a second to-”

“there’s no need to explain yourself, y/n. i get it.” He sounded so bitter, yet there was also hurt… disappointment?

You furrowed your brows. You’ve had enough of his negative nancy attitude. “Damn it, Sans! Just listen for once!,” With a tug of his hoodie, you plant a kiss on his teeth, lingering just a bit before pulling away. “I like you too, damn it! And I don’t like it when you close up on me like that! I’m not a mind reader, ya know?” Your face was hot with frustrated love.

Sans just nodded at you, a far out look now resonated in his sockets. “whoa…holy mackerel,” He was unable to wipe that stupid grin off his face. “you like me back, huh? so cool~”

You had to stifle a laugh. This reminded you of those wisdom teeth removal videos where the loopy people said all sorts of weird stuff while they were all hopped up on anesthetics. “Oh Sans. What am I going to do with you?”

Sans shrugged. “i dunno. perhaps we could talk about it over dinner? my treat.”

“O-Oh,” Damn this smooth criminal! “Sure boneboy, though we have to agree on something.”

“and that is..?”

“The third Shrek was the absolute worst,” You reached out your hand to Sans for a handshake. “Agreed?”

He took your hand quickly. “agreed. now about that dinner date…”

Underswap

Stretch-

“Stretch, you tall asshole, don’t do it.”

“i’m gonna do it.”

“Stretch I swear to Toriel, you better not!”

He grinned at you, his cursor hovering over the forbidden course. “nobody can stop me. not even you.”

“If you press that button, I will personally delete your Mii, along with all of your precious work!”

“oh? is that a challenge i hear?” He asked coyly. You gasp as his finger pushes the ‘A’ button twice. “well then. rainbow road, it is.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA YOU’RE NOT READY!!!1111!!!

“Oh fuck!,” You fumble with your controller, hastily slipping the arm band on and clutching the remote tightly. “You asshole! You really did it this time!”

“aw come on, honey. rainbow road ain’t that bad.”

You shot him an annoyed glance. “That’s because you play this game 24/7!”

Stretch laughed, biting down tightly on the sucker in his mouth. “now that’s just stretchin’ the truth, honeybun.”

“You!” You wanted nothing more but to throttle him, but the countdown had already began.

“hey y/n?”

“What.” You said flatly, getting in the zone. Autozone.

“see you in second place.” And with that, the buzzer sounded.

.

.

.

After plenty of launched koopa shells and banana peels, you were about to conclude your third lap in first place. That is, until you peeked at your skelefriend’s screen. Oh no.

Your eyes widened. “Fuck, don’t do it, Stretch,” Your voice came out as a desperate plea. “Just let me have this one race.”

Stretch jerked his controller to the side and laughed. “sorry hun, but all is fair in love ‘n war.”

“Stretch wait-” You drew in a sharp breath as you heard the blue shell launch. “fuckfuckfuckFUCKFUCKFUCK NOOO!” You cried as the blue shell knocked you up in the air.

“that first place is mine~” Stretch hummed, contently watching the screen as his toadstool passed by you, crossing the finish line with ease.

You sunk your head in defeat, reluctantly crossing the finish line for second place. “Damn it, Stretch. I was almost there…” You whined. Never had you been so close to beating the skillful skeleton in your life.

He ruffled your hair endearingly. “better luck next time, honey. now give me a congratulatory hug.”

You jerked away from him with a huff. “No!”

“no? aw come on. i didn’t mean to put you through shell.”

“That’s it,” You set your remote aside and stand up. “I’m out.”

Stretch can’t stop himself from laughing. “no don’t leave! i’m toadally i love with you!”

“Damn it Stretch- wait…wait a minute…”

Did this dude just whip your behind at Mario Kart, and THEN confess his love to you with a Mario pun?

Holy shit…

Stretch hadn’t realized what he had said. “what’s with that look, honey?”

“You just said you… ‘toadally’ loved me… HOW DID YOU EXPECT ME TO REACT?!” Your face burned with the passion of a thousand fighting Alphyses. Oh stars, you couldn’t stop blushing!

And from the looks of it, Mr. Suaveandtoocoolforautomaticmode was in the same boat, his skull glowing a vibrant orange. “s-shit. i said that outloud, didn’t i?”

“Y-Yep.”

Stretch tittered nervously as he scratched the back of his skull. “m-my bad. so uh…what are your thoughts, h-honeybun?”

You looked down to Stretch’s sitting and blushing form. A smile tugged at your lips as you sat down next to him. He really liked you, didn’t he? Grabbing the remote, you prepare as if you’re about to play another round. “If I win, you take me out to dinner. But if you win, I’ll treat you to Muffets.”

Stretch was at a loss for words, his phalanges fiddling with his remote. “h-heh, i um..,” He cleared his nonexistent throat and smiled. “y-you’ve got yourself a deal, love. just know that i usually order quite a bit from muffets.” 

[ibroughtthisonmyselfpixels]

Scott’s Interview

1) Personal information! Age, gender identity, species, place of usual residence, etc.

“Right, so… I’m Scott, Scott Barley, 33, cis-male, 100% human (as far as I’m aware) and I recently moved back to Oasis Springs. I went to a small college just outside of Asheville (which you likely haven’t heard of, it’s ok not many people have) which is a town in Simsouri where I helped my Uncle Mark with his logging business while attending school part-time.”

2) What are the specifics of your disability / disabilities? 

“Due to an incident in my childhood I contracted an infection that resulted in a high fever which I was lucky enough to live through despite losing most of my hearing, something my mother had to practically beat into my head, I was quite angry with my parents for the first seven months or so as I blamed them and their lack of insurance for my hearing loss. 

“After one too many bullying occurrences by my former friends my parents pulled me out of school and started homeschooling me . It took a few months but I started teaching myself sign language from the books my parents had managed to find at thrift stores and yard sales, I remember thinking I was being soo secretive and no one had a clue I had even glanced at the books. Looking back now I’m sure my mom knew, especially since library books on sign language seemed to magically appear when I was almost done with the books we had.

Is there anything we need to do in order to accommodate you and your needs fully?

“I would like some basic things, my hearing aid helps me hear lower frequencies and I’m able to read lips with a 75-92% accuracy (I’ve only had a hearing aid since I was 25, before that I had to rely on my own wit) but higher frequencies like most alarms are tough. I don’t want another fire incident (Dub note: This will be explained in Question 4) and since I take my hearing aid off to go to sleep I’d like to politely request an alarm that will shake my bed if there is a fire. Also if I’m ever going to do any cooking a timer with a light or one that vibrates instead of rings that I could carry in my pocket would be great too! Thanks.”

3) How would you describe yourself? How would your friends describe you?

“I would describe myself as a bit of a historian with a proclivity for scary things, every time my siblings had a sleepover they’d request a new scary story so I have plenty of practice telling those. 

“As for my friends, well I don’t have many I write to a few people that I’ve met over the years, Barry Zotter from college, Alice Grant from a project I had to do in middle school. I have to say Alice is my best friend, Barry is cool but they can never be serious, so I go to them for jokes and Alice for everything else, Alice does jokes too (mostly puns though) Ice came up with my favorite way to explain my hearing to people ‘I’m Scott and I can Barley hear.’ 

“Ice is great! I asked how Ice would describe me just for this and was told I didn’t need my head to swell anymore than it already has, which I think is a bit harsh but whatever, it’s Ice. My sister-in-law is always complaining I rarely have anything but a monotone voice which is ‘hard for her to hear’ hah! Luckily Greg and his wife live a few hours away and don’t visit often, don’t get me wrong I love my little brother I just don’t like his wife.”

4) Random bit of trivia about yourself, or your hobbies, or your romantic past

“Ice and I tried long distance dating for a bit, it didn’t work out. It felt all gross and icky, too much like dating a relative. Ice has known since the very beginning that I was planning to enter this BC, as opposed to my immediate family that as of this interview still don’t know. 

“I like tinkering with stuff, it first started when I was 10 and a fire started at home, I wasn’t able to hear the alarm go off my dad had to carry me out of the house. So we worked together to make the alarms louder, as well as to have a hush button so fake alarms set off while boiling water could be quieted. After that tinkering became something of a way to bond for my dad and I, we built bikes from scratch for my little siblings, he even taught me how to weld. Sadly my dad died a few years ago, a car was speeding and ran a stop sign as he was crossing the street. I’m not silly enough as to blame the car though, it was the driver that should be held responsible, after all old cars (cars in general really) are really neat, but I like old cars the best I own a Model A that I restored myself!”

5) Why did you enter this BC?* Are you nervous? What do you hope to attain?

“It was only happenstance I stumbled upon this BC at all! I was doing some research to see if I could find any reviews on a new hearing aid I was considering when I got distracted by the off topic threads in the forum I was on, people were talking about previous BCs and their tendency to turn into bloodbaths, the most recent reply had been someone asking what everyone thought about the recently announced Kessler Maurer Double BC. Even though I don’t watch BCs it tends to be hard to avoid all mention of them when the media is running every single death over and over, I was a bit intrigued by the idea of a BC specifically for people like me that had trouble dating due to how ‘normal’ people view us so I did a bit of research and like I said before Lyra caught my eye so now I’m here. 

“As for my Hopes and Dreams ‘™’ for my experience in this BC, I hope to win someone’s heart and while I would be appreciative if that heart was Lyra’s I certainly wouldn’t mind if it was another contestant’s either. If I have to walk away without a love I hope for at least a few new friends.”

6) What are your thoughts on Lyra herself? What made you decide to try to win her hand instead of Lorelei’s?

“My reason for choosing Lyra over Lorelei are Lyra caught my eye, Lorelei didn’t. But beyond that I feel as if I could click the best with Lyra, if  people don’t click it’s very hard for there to be any kind of relationship that isn’t argumentative or cold at best. (There may have been a few coin tosses involved to decide whether or not I would enter at all but I can neither confirm nor deny any such notions)”

7) Are you aware, going in, of the negative press Lyra had gained during her time in the Angelo MMBC? She won’t bring it up if you don’t, but she wanted to be reassured that no one would judge her for it if they knew.

“Nooo, that all happened while I was staying with my uncle I think, I didn’t have much of a chance to pay attention to any news back then. But I don’t want to make any false assumptions so now that I know there is *sneers* press I won’t go looking for more information.”

8) Do you believe that people can change?

“I believe people can adapt, but change I’m not really sure about, I suppose it’s possible but I wouldn’t feel comfortable getting into a debate about it if that’s what you’re wondering.”

9) If you could go anywhere in SimNation for a week, no financial worries or strings attached, where would you go?

“I would love to spend a week someplace haunted, not by modern ghosts, that would be boring but a place haunted by ghost that have experienced days long gone! Century old ghosts would be amazing! Provided I’d be able to communicate in some way, be that actually talking, lipreading, or one of those fancy ghost voice things like you see on those ghost adventure shows I don’t care!”

10) What would you do if someone you loved was scared - like, really seriously scared? 

“My first instinct would be to hug them, I wouldn’t say much of anything to them because I’ve noticed people tend to make promises when people are scared, promises that they really aren’t sure of. I just can’t make a promise I can’t stand behind, if I promised I would protect someone I would be honor bound to protect them, even if it meant my death.”

[xhuuya]

Chapter 5: Breaking Point

Read it on AO3

7 Years Ago - Swiss Alps

The guards checked on her periodically, food came at what seemed to be irregular intervals, and fitful sleep came most frequently.

Each time she woke up, Amelie would scratch a line into the wall. She’d succeeded in both making a confusing array of shapes on the wall and grinding each of her formerly perfect nails into jagged edges, but did absolutely nothing for her sense of time like she hoped to. Realistically, she made it worse, as she could no longer imagine that each time she fell asleep was a consistent amount of time. She could be asleep for thirty seconds or thirty hours, and she’d have no inkling as to which when she pressed into the cold concrete.

With no logic about the passage of time, it was difficult to distinguish between reality, fever dreams, memories, and nightmares. Rationale had long since abandoned her, leaving a comfortable numbness in its absence.

She ran a palm over the curved indentations and sighed, no longer bothering to count how many she’d made.

<<<

Angela held Amelie at arm’s length and ran her hands up and down her arms, stopping to grip her shoulders while she looked up at her. “Ami?”

“I’m fine, Ange.” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes and her arms wrapped defensively around her waist. Angela would see through it easily, and the lie crumbled immediately knowing that. “I just thought…” She shook her head and took a deep breath, trying to hide the fact that her voice was cracking. “I thought moving out here would make it easier.”

It wasn’t the first time Angela had comforted her friend through this, and it wouldn’t be the last. The last few months had been very difficult, especially since Gerard’s brush with death. Jack had requested, practically insisted, that Gerard move to the base so that Angela could continue to check on him. A month-long coma could make any commander worry. The problem was that the two soldiers were not always the most reasonable people.

Gerard had steadfastly refused until Jack made it an order. It was in the best interest of his squadron, and eventually Gerard was able to see that, but the numerous meetings and arguments had created a bitter rift in their friendship. While the unease between the two commanders was near palpable, less obvious was the effect that it was having on Amelie. She had eventually quit her jobs in France, leaving all of her work behind to move to Switzerland and support her husband.

“He hasn’t…?” Angela started, always terrified of the answer she might receive to the unfinished question. This type of turmoil could often bring out the worst in people. She had seen good soldiers, good people, turn into monsters, and she worried endlessly for those that chose to attempt romance in tumultuous environments like Overwatch. No one ever seemed to think they needed support, too enamored with the idea that just because they knew what they were “getting into,” they would never need help themselves.

“No, he hasn’t.” Amelie shook her head, fists clenching on her hips. “But. I still want you to give me those lessons.”

>>>

Amelie woke with her fists clenched, mirroring the dream, knuckles white from the strain. She had to flex her fingers slowly to ease the blood back. She rolled onto her back and rubbed her hands together until the pins and needles subsided, staring up at the ceiling as she tried to blink away the memory.

It all felt so distant, so foreign. Like the images and feelings belonged to someone else entirely.

Tears would no longer come. She felt nothing more than an overwhelming apathy with an undercurrent of anger, over something that happened that she couldn’t quite remember anymore.

The door clicked, and she turned her attention to it as it slid open.

A commander she recognized now, could almost call a regular, was the one visiting today. He was dressed in full black tactical gear instead of his standard uniform, but the helmet and goggles didn’t cover enough of his face for her to miss the lines she had memorized by now.

“Agent 36.” He flapped a stack of papers in his hand, passing the top sheet to her. She took the sheet, that unfamiliar feeling of rage flaring in her chest when she saw the photo in the top corner. It was oddly the most pleasant sensation she felt that she could recall, maybe due to feeling anything at all. She wondered if she didn't always harbor this anger towards Jack Morrison.

He tilted his head, watching her reaction.

She looked up at him, face blank of anything she might have felt. “Is it time?”

He passed her a uniform that looked similar to the gear he was wearing. “Yes.”

<<<

“You can utilize your dancing abilities to your advantage.” Angela paced back and forth, speaking professionally as though their private meeting was a public lecture. Her hand moved over her cheek as she considered her options, getting lost in thought for the upteenth time that evening.

“Ange.” Amelie smirked and moved forward, thinking that she could surprise the doctor with a takedown of some sort, not that she knew how to properly do that. It was, after all, what she was there to learn. Either way, an attempt might impress her instructor, or at least that’s what she thought.

The moments between her hands contacting Angela and her back on the floor were no more than a blur.

A stray strand of Angela’s blond hair tickled her nose from above, and she grinned up at her. “That didn’t work at all.”

There was a brief silence before both started laughing, Angela sitting up and clutching her stomach as her laughs escalated to almost hysterical. “Oh, Ami.” She gasped between laughing. “I didn’t expect you to try that. I’m so sorry.”

Amelie continued to lay on the ground, staring up at the ceiling with a private smile lighting her features. “It was worth it to hear that laugh, if nothing else.”

Angela stopped laughing then, turning her attention back to Amelie. Her mouth opened and closed, attempting to work through a response, but finding none. It was hard to tell how much of the heat in her cheeks was due to the laughter, and she tried to fight the urge to argue something about her laugh not being that great.

Amelie saved Angela the trouble of trying to think of a reply. She finally pushed herself up, tugging her shirt back over her exposed stomach and clearing her throat. “That was a good example of why I need your help.”

The motion didn’t go unnoticed, Angela’s eyes drifting to the pale skin before reaching a hand out to be helped up. “Fair enough. Let’s start from the beginning then.”

“Yes, let’s.” Amelie smiled mischievously, the look somewhat sinister on a normally stoic face. “You should know I take challenges very seriously, Ange. I won’t quit until I get you flat on your back.”

>>>

“Agent 36. Stand still, please.” A woman’s voice from behind a full-face mask, amplified mechanically to be heard over the sound of the wind at this altitude. The mountaintop was covered in powder snow, the silhouettes of neighboring peaks barely visible through dense cloud cover. It didn’t feel very different than being inside of it, freezing cold and covered in the same bright white light.

Amelie followed the order, but shifted her eyes to the guard that escorted her down the white halls and out onto the cliff’s edge, choosing to ask him because he was familiar. “Why 36?”

“Placeholder,” he answered cryptically, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Take a deep breath. This will hurt.”

This air was so thin in comparison to the heavy air underground. Amelie wanted to tug the jacket tighter around her withered frame, and her teeth would be chattering if not for how hard she was clenching her jaw. Taking a breath at all was a chore, and taking a deeper one felt impossible, but the hiss of a syringe and a sharp pain in her neck made her immediately regret not taking it like she was told. It took all the effort she could muster to not flinch away.

“Don't worry. We're going to help take away all the negative things you've been feeling.” The woman took the needle out of her neck and tucked it back into its sleek black case.

The woman’s voice was friendly, even considering the mechanical nature of it, and it reminded Amelie of a time that seemed so far away now. If she could think clearly about it, she would be livid that they were emulating Angela’s voice. However, it was soothing enough that she didn't focus too much on it, barely able to stop herself from leaning into the gentle touch that cleared the blood and liquid away from her shoulder. As her vision blurred, she couldn’t help but wonder why disinfectant always made her think of Angela; it wasn’t though doctors used different antiseptics.

<<<

“You’re far too pleased with yourself, Ami.” Angela grinned from beneath her, face red with the effort of trying to remove the arm pressed over her throat.

“Shouldn’t you be happy I’ve improved?” Amelie remained straddled over the doctor, using her thighs to hold Angela’s arms to her sides. She leaned her weight forward to press her arm down, her other hand balancing on Angela’s shoulder, further restricting any movement. There were times before that Amelie got too ahead of herself, and she usually ended up flipped and submitting before she realized the error of her overconfidence. She wasn’t allowing this to be one of those times.

“Only took you a few months,” Angela teased, earning her a bit more pressure to the hold. Her fingers drummed on the mat, not quite submitting. A small taunt while she searched the hazel eyes looking down at her, the faint puffs of warm air tickling her cheeks. Her heart was racing, the sound of blood pounding in her ears replacing the soft sounds of ragged breaths. She searched Amelie’s face, trying to read the way her expression seemed both irritated and amused.

Amelie decided to play dirty, taking advantage of a weakness she learned the past few months. It was easy enough to see that the good doctor had quite the crush on her and had done well to keep it under control out of respect for their friendship, but Amelie enjoyed testing how far her teasing could go. She leaned down,  pressing her lips to the shell of Angela’s ear, “Submit to me, mon ange.”

Angela tensed under her, body practically vibrating with the force of her restraint, and tapped her hand on the mat a few times. “Alright, alright. You win,” she whined, trying to roll away from Amelie. “Let me up.”

Amelie did move her arm from Angela’s throat, but braced it on the other shoulder. She leaned down to rest their foreheads together. Her eyes closed as they both inhaled, though the sound of each breath was very different. When she opened her eyes again, she sat up, her grip on Angela’s shoulders relaxing. She regarded those blue eyes, a bit stormy in their current state, staring up with something that resembled fear. It was a struggle not to look away from them. “Is there self-defense for matters of the heart, Doctor?”

>>>

Amelie shook the haze away, noticing the location had not changed during her blackout. The female guard’s hands were braced on her shoulders, holding her up from where she had started to fall forward. She found the face gazing at her from behind tinted goggles surprisingly comfortable. A warmth spread out and away from the point in her neck, making the cold much more bearable. She felt crazy, but as the darkness at the edge of her vision dissipated, she swore she could see better than before. The woman’s hands slowly lowered after confirming her ability to stand, but part of her desperately begged for the contact to return, almost falling forward into the touch again.

“I feel strange,” Amelie admitted, her tongue too heavy through the simple sentence. She rubbed a hand over her face, hyper aware of how the thick cloth of her gloves felt against the small expanse of skin not covered by her mask. Her breathing was more even, slower and steadier, similar to when she was at her prime athleticism as a dancer. Once her vision finished clearing, she found the light much more irritating than before and squinted as she raised a shielding hand to her brow.

“That’s normal,” the woman answered, shooting a glance to stop the male from answering the same way. It wasn’t clear why she insisted on being the one to speak, but Amelie preferred it that way. “Here. Let’s get you the rest of your gear and we can get you started.” She took Amelie’s arm in hers and guided her to another black case, patting her arm as she released her to kneel in front of it.

The snaps came open easily, revealing a sleek hardlight sniper rifle and visor. They looked standard issue as far as Amelie could tell, but she was not versed in military weapons. Angela had showed her the Caduceus blaster briefly, but was not a fan of teaching violence and had refused to teach more than the basics. Lessons consisted of mainly how to disarm someone with one and pistol-whip them with it rather than actually shoot it herself. Of course she had seen agents practicing in her many tours of the base, especially after they had moved to Zurich, so she had some scattered knowledge.

“This.” The guard picked the rifle up with reverence, holding it out in open palms for Amelie to take. “Is a tool. It is shaped as much by you as you are by it. It may even take different forms as you progress, but for now we can take our time to see what works for you.”

“Thanks,” Amelie muttered, lowering the hand shielding her eyes to take the weapon, thinking it would take both hands, shocked when she was able to hold it easily in one.

It made her feel immensely powerful, more so than anything ever had, and she wondered about the logic behind handing a prisoner a powerful weapon when there was only two guards there. What if she chose to fight her way away from them? They must have figured she wouldn’t though. She didn’t know where she was, how to use the weapon, where her target was, nothing. They knew she had settled on a plan of revenge, and they knew they had the information she needed to move forward with it. Was she really even a prisoner anymore?

“The visor will help your eyes adjust to the light.” The guard waved her hand at the case. “Look to the West and you should see your target. Aim there first.”

Amelie reached to the case and slipped the visor on, almost physically sick from the initial overwhelming input of data. Her stomach flipped as her brain tried to process the multiple visuals displayed to her eyes, and she leaned against the rifle like it was a cane. She took a settling breath and worked through the five different displays, eventually able to adequately settle on the primary display directly in front of her. When she finally lifted the rifle, the barrel automatically extended, and the image on the visor compensated for the magnification of the scope. The target was easy enough to find, and she should have been surprised with how equally easy it was to hit it with her first shot.

The guards both whistled, lesser versions of the visor tech built into goggles allowing them to see the results of the shot. They shared a private nod behind Amelie, and the male descended back into the base. He would give the higher-ups a brief summary, and she would bring the full report when the day ended.

“Excellent, Agent 36.” The guard moved closer, grounding Amelie with touch again, wrapping her fingers too eagerly around the forearm that would tense when the trigger was pulled. “Take another shot.”

When the next shot hit as smooth as the first, Amelie couldn’t help but smile. This sort of power trip could get addictive, and she suddenly understood why so many of the snipers at Overwatch spent all their free time at the range.

Overwatch.

A sharp pain shot directly through her temple, and the rifle clattered to the ground as she gripped her head in her hands. Her thoughts spiralled out of control, a mass of incoherent images and ideas: betrayal, violence, her husband and best friend dead, the base destroyed, kidnapped, saved, trained, revenge.

There was that soothing voice again, those hands moving over her arms in comfort. She didn’t notice another stab in her neck, and she didn’t fight the darkness as it took her.

<<<

“Everyone has a breaking point.” Angela was leaning back against her desk in the med bay, looking up over her glasses as she lectured Amelie again. The statement was purposefully vague, the doctor trying not to sound bitter as she said it. It had been weeks since their last true meeting, the one that still made Angela’s heart race uncomfortably when she thought about it.

Their communication was limited to brief chats through text or a passing word here and there within the base. It was made easier by Gerard being back from a long mission, taking a full month of leave so that he and Amelie could travel back to France and spend time together. Angela should have been happy for them. She hadn’t worked through her feelings and knew she shouldn’t take that out on her friend, but logic wasn’t exactly a prevailing force when the words she remembered stirred emotions that didn’t answer to her analyzing.

“Is that part of my next lesson, or you trying to tell me something?” Amelie leaned against the doorway and crossed her arms over her chest, a playful grin struggling to cover the pain buried in the question.

Angela sighed, tapping her fingers on the edge of the desk. “Both?” She struggled to find words to take the edge off the answer, but was stopped by Amelie raising a hand.

“Let’s talk over dinner. My treat, of course.” Her arms lowered as she stepped forward, pulling Angela into a stiff hug. She spoke softly into her disheveled golden hair. “I owe you an apology, Ange.”

Angela sighed again, a defeated sound as she failed to hold the guarded posture, deflating in Amelie’s arms. She knew it was worthless to argue with her once she’d made up her mind like that. “Yeah, yeah. Save it for dessert. At least that might make you sound sweeter.” It took an immense amount of effort to pull herself away. The lavender perfume would linger in her memory for days, but she managed to smirk. “Combat interrogation techniques are a bit of a heavy topic for dinner, you know.”

“I doubt it will take the months that your last lesson did.” Amelie moved back, plopping herself into the loveseat in the office. “I have a few hours. Maybe you could mix it into our usual chatter?”

“It’s like you know it’s easy for me to get lost in a subject while I’m working.” Angela dusted her glasses on her shirt and picked up the holopad from her desk. “It’s actually not far from what I’m currently working on, what with studying Talon for Gerard and Jack. Are you sure you want to hear about it?”

>>>

Amelie would question being held here, alone and ignorant of her circumstances, but Agent 36 didn’t care as much.

Each time she woke, she was greeted with the same sensation of minute pains through her limbs as the circulation returned. She always slept curled tight to herself, as if it might keep away the cold, heavy air of the room.

She sat up and swayed, waiting for her senses to compensate. Her fingers reached for the raised skin around her neck, tracing the outline of two entry points, a tenderness that bordered on pain radiating from them. Submitting to the idea that she was now an experiment, a toy of sorts, she couldn’t help but wonder why it didn’t bother her. Worse, she almost felt grateful. It wasn’t a way to live, but at least she had an objective.

A reason to live? Maybe not. But definitely a reason to not give up yet. A defense mechanism, the sliver of rational mind screamed, hushed quickly by the metaphorical coffin that she buried her former self in. She could mold herself to this new image, become what they wanted, be a good little soldier until she achieved what she set out to do.

Nothing to lose, everything to gain.

Everyone had a breaking point.

<<<

“You’re absolutely certain you don’t want a ride?” Angela leaned from the hovercraft’s window, pouting slightly.

“I would like the walk to consider the things you’ve told me, I think.” Amelie cupped her hand over a cigarette to light it, protecting the flame from the wind and earning a scowl from the doctor through the first long drag of it, which came before the the match had even finished being extinguished. She loved the smell of matches. They shared that trait, though Angela would never condone smoking as a reason to smell them; she’d much rather light candles or something equally antiquated.

“Did you want me to walk with you? You really don’t have to think too much about these things. I told you the combat interrogation and torture methods was a terrible dinner subject,” Angela rambled, the pout turning into full blow distress. Part of her wondered if she could use a cigarette herself.

Amelie reached a finger over to place it softly over Angela’s lips. “Hush.”

She blew smoke to the side, watching it drift away through the cool night air, lost in the bright signs of the restaurants nearby. She glanced to the side, smiling the way she reserved for these small moments with Angela, and privately entertaining the fantasies of kissing the lips pressed against her skin. “You taught me how to take care of myself, right? I’ll be fine.”

Amelie waited until Angela’s craft was long out of view, tossing the butt of the cigarette down and crushing it beneath her heel. Stuffing her hands in the pockets of her peacoat, she started the walk to her apartment, willing the rain she could smell in the air to hold off for a little longer.

How could she have known that Talon had been watching her every move until they had the opening they needed? How could she have known she essentially walked directly into their hands? How could she utilize self-defense against the dart that buried itself in her shoulder, bringing a swift sleep in the form of a powerful tranquilizer?

In sum, she couldn’t.

She crumbled to the ground, feeling the faint rain hit her cheek as she lay helpless while hushed voices distorted above her. If she could have laughed, she might have, the irony of her overconfidence not lost in her brief moment of awareness.

Maybe she hadn’t learned anything after all.

[pubertee]

continued

so life’s become really difficult to keep up with lately so i’ll record everything i feel right now without filter before i lose the motivation for it, i’m not writing about everything but here’s some of it, this is from my last entry where i got tired and didn’t explain everything

 it’s becoming so apparent these days that i’m leaving the days of my childhood behind. it’s a really weird feeling, but i guess it’s expected since i’ve never been in this situation before. everything feels so unsure and up in the air. reality seems to enjoy just throwing shit at me, waiting to see how i react to it. lately i haven’t reacted well, and it’s taken a toll on me.i know this rough patch will pass, but it’s been really hard. 

3. my childhood cat i’ve had since i was 3 who’s stuck with me all these days through thick and thin... isn’t doing well recently. she has kidney disease and she’s at the last days of her life, and i’m miles away from home unable to spend time with her. it honestly breaks my heart, i’m in my university library trying not to tear up over thinking about it and i honestly feel like such a big baby but whatever lol. my mom texted me earlier saying she was in poor condition and seemed like she was in pain. she’s my best friend and i can’t bare the fact that i can’t be there for her. it’s because i’ve grown up wither her, and i guess death seemed like such an irrelevant, intangible concept up until now. but now it’s staring at me in the face and i can’t avoid its gaze, or not death itself, but the repercussions of it. i don’t want it to take my buddy away, but i know it’ll happen soon. it’s hard to brace myself. 

4. a close friend of mine recently relapsed with cancer, and treatment hasn’t been the best for her. the cancer is a lot more aggressive this time. i didn’t think i’d have to worry about my friends passing away until way later on, but i was naive to think that it wouldn’t happen to me, especially since i’ve seen it happen to others around me. i have faith that my friend will overcome her sickness, but it’s made me realize just how fragile and exact/precise life plays out to be. life shouldn’t be mistaken for a house of cards. i’ve been thinking about how this past summer there were 2 suicides of people that i knew of but wasn’t close to. all i could think about was how their loved ones must have felt, especially since the people who passed away shared mutual friends with me. it was tragic and i felt bad of course and wished the best for their spirit and their loved ones, and i thought over the fact that i would never truly understand how the grief of losing a loved one would feel unless it happened to me. it hasn’t truly happened to me yet (or not of anyone extremely close while i was old enough to understand), but it will and that in itself is a fact of life, an indicator of growing up. it means you know what it’s like to experience one of the harshest factors of life. i think the shock of that is starting to settle in. I really wholeheartedly believe my friend will recover, but the shock of it all is that there’s a chance that she won’t, and that’s what has me in a daze. what is anyone supposed to do with that fact? a chance that she won’t recover? how brave you have to be to face that fact head on. how strong she is. i know she’d hate to hear me ramble on about how strong i think she is. and there’s times where you really feel like you can’t do anything about it no matter how much you want to once horrible things occur. I want to help my friend, mentally, physically, and i’ve been trying and i’ll continue to try. But she’s so far now and there’s only so much we can tell her, and at this point I feel like she thinks that there’s only so much she can accept from us, and so much she can tell herself. I hate the fact that I or anyone else can’t take her fear away. No one can wish the illness away or the scars it leaves on her spirit or the time it’s taken from her life. how scared she must feel, how devastating the whole circumstance is, and how easy it is to turn to denial. I could say so much more but all in all, this shit is just fucking rough. She’s a champ, I wish there was a way for someone to be able to tell her that in a way where she’d truly believe it. we were supposed to have so much fun this year. she wasn’t expecting to put her life on pause again over something so cruel. i think things like this happen to the best of people to prevent them from reaching their fullest potential, because their potential is too great. now i really think i have no excuse to not put everything i have into my own life. all i want (and anyone wants) is for her is to come out of this so much stronger, she’s such a kindhearted human being. but at this point it all seems ridiculously unfair to her. but it’s not all in vain, and again, i can feel how life is changing, how it changes us, these things are hard to justify and explain

5. my own health has become really poor as of lately. i’m pretty sure i’m thinking too much but everything combined makes me feel so dysfunctional.  my anxiety is out of control, depression seems to drag at my heels, and i’m physically sick all the time now. fever, fatigue (the worst factor probably), sore throat, headaches, horrible dreams, it seems to be making my daily life so unmanageable. i feel like a zombie. my fevers last for weeks and western doctors can’t explain why i’m sick. they just tell me to rest, but i have so many things to do. I can’t shake the feeling that i’m going to be stuck like this too, even though logically i know i’m not. i’ve been going to an acupuncturist/herbalist and i’m really working to improve these conditions right now, but it all takes a lot of time. all of the negativities of my life have come out of me all at once. I’ve grown up being sick mentally and as a result physically, but never to this point. it’s like my life force is telling me that enough is enough, it’s time for a change. living without a sense of purpose isn’t living. of course i’m trying my best to make myself stronger, i know all of this is meant to make me stronger in the long run, but i need to express the fact that this is hard to say the least. the strain my circumstances have been putting on me is like receiving one punch after another. it’s like trudging through muck for miles and miles without end. i’m having a hard time dealing with everything while trying to live a normal college life. not even college life, just life, everything is just so heavy right now. i know that there’s an end to all of this, that there’s a light somewhere far down, but i’m worn down. and all of this is happening while i’m trying to make important decisions for my life, i haven’t taken myself or my life this seriously until now. it makes me feel really stupid to think that i haven’t until now. it’s not selfish to take care of myself. it’s stupid for me to ignore my health. indifference is poisonous. it’s better to make the wrong choices than to be indifferent. i’ve been forced to take a few steps back. 

6. This is all a test. I know it. life has it’s own way of testing people, grabbing people by their weakest links and yanking at it, and it’s just like dude i fucking get it i feel all of it ouch

but it won’t until i decide to take responsibility of my life, for the weakest parts of myself and strengthen them. it’s time that i start actively fighting for the things i care about, the people i care about, to start caring about my own life, and with the way that things have been going in my life lately, fate has made that very clear. i’ve grown up being so indifferent to everything for so long, i’m a go with the flow kind of person but i’ve never hung around long enough to really put my foot down. it’s weird for me to say, but this is my life. i’m alive like dude huhhhhh???? i'm kinda disappointed in myself to know that it took me so long to see the potential it holds, the value of my own individual life. the value of other individual lives. no matter how many times i’ve heard people tell me it, it never truly processed in my mind. the things that one life is capable of achieving are infinite, the possibilities for greatness and humanity are endless, and yet it’s all so delicate and fragile. things comes and go within the blink of an eye. the people who can make the most out of this limited amount of time are the ones who end up the happiest, the most content, and remembered. i’ll climb my way out of this rut eventually even though it’s difficult right now, but i have to ask myself this: what am i contributing to? it’s all so calculated. how do i execute this exactly the way i want? how do i overcome my fear of mistakes? how do i do this right?

yeah, growing up is hard and it’s supposed to be hard, facing certain facts of life isn’t meant to be peaceful all of the time

but bro

i’m tiredddddddddd

but i’ll do my best anyways