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chimivx · 14 days ago

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hi seonghwa i love you bad.

ꕀ LUST FOR LIFE ꕀ 01

↳ sex money feelings die remastered .ᐟ cross posted on ao3

navigation┆prologue┆next prologue is significant to plot pls read <3

“ they say only the good die young, that just ain't right 'cause we're having too much fun, too much fun tonight ”

↳ synopsis: a group of individuals find that their first taste of freedom in the world brings more obstacles than expected. some of them, find solace by drowning in liquor or in the backseat of somebody else’s car. a lot of them have got to get their shit together. a lot of them won't.

mdni » story contains nsfw content intended for 18+ audiences pairings » member specific, not listed for spoiler purposes ↳󠁪󠁪 ateez x female reader, ateez x ateez ↳ genre » coming of age ↳ word count » 2.7k ↳ general warnings » substance abuse & consumption, sexual content, morally grey characters, unreliable narrators, internalised homophobia, angst, basically every struggle young adolescence can go through

01⌇even if just for a little bit

Nobody plans to get addicted to something, obviously. But even once they do realise it, or if they ever do, it’s usually too late. Every step taken to addiction kills someone slowly, whether it be the heart, the liver or the lungs. Nonetheless, the user will undoubtedly repeat their actions. Death does not scare them; death is a promise. Life instead, is worse. It's unpredictable. Life feels unfriendly and cold. It laughs in their face every time they take a fall.

So, in return they’ll chase something to soothe their aches. Whatever gives them the best high, makes them feel like they own the world, that every problem has ceased to exist, and that everything’s gonna be fine. Even if just for a little bit. One more sip, one more drag, another needle dug into their arm doesn’t feel as terrible when they know after their sins, death will open its arms, and they are free to run into the warm embrace.

The first few minutes after Hongjoong wakes up he refuses to open his eyes, not a muscle in his body moves. Every single limb throbs in a dull ache. His throat is dry, and he fights to keep whatever concoction he indulged in last night down. The sun glares over him. He shuts his eyes tighter and mentally notes to close his blinds as soon as he gets up. His cheap mattress feels like concrete underneath the front of his body and he assumes his pillow has been discarded to his bedroom floor. He flings his arm out to his side to reach for his phone. He does not find it, and worse, his nightstand feels far too familiar to a concrete pavement. So does his mattress.

The distant sound of cars driving down the street allows him to confirm (not that it was needed) that he is not, in fact, in his shitty one-bedroom apartment. He cranks his neck upwards, the left side of his face now disconnected from the scratchy floor. Hongjoong takes a long inhale and the stench of something god-awful invades his senses. His mouth coats itself with saliva and he loses the battle he was otherwise winning earlier.

Like the millions of times before, he plants himself on his knees, one arm wraps around his torso and the other holds himself up as much as he can. The thought of calling his parents and asking them for help crosses his mind before he can fully squash the idea away. Hongjoong scoffs at himself, there were two things other people knew about him.

First, that he was stubborn. The type of guy who’d scale a building before letting someone else get their way. And second, that his pride would be the death of him. With just how bad his head was pounding; law school had suddenly not seemed like such a terrible idea. His parents owned some major conglomerates that could’ve paid for his entry into the big-league colleges but no, he just had to decide art school was his true calling.

It would’ve been easier, he supposes. He knows. Learn business, economics or whatever and then join one of his parent’s companies. A high-paying career and future was laid out for him, yet he went the other direction much to his parent’s dismay. His mom swears that paint fumes must’ve gotten to his head, sometimes Hongjoong agrees. It is a possible conclusion.

They don’t contact him, ever. One year into art school still wasn’t enough time for them to get used to their son’s “juvenile dreams” but they do send him some money to help him get by every month. He knows they’re trying to bribe him back, into law school and shit but they don’t need to know that’s not happening. Who gives a shit, Hongjoong’s just grateful he isn’t completely estranged yet.

Fatigue racks through his body as he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He allows his body to rest against the bricked wall of the alley. Fatigued by the events of the previous night, he makes no move to head back to his very humble abode just yet. Hongjoong runs a finger over his lips, they’re chapped and no doubt starting to peel. He shudders as the metallic taste of blood seeps out of the cracks when he frowns. His eyelids feel heavy, so he shuts them again.

Moving out of his old place and leaving his roommate was coming in handy. Even if it meant his new apartment was too expensive, having to stumble into the old shared one with last night’s clothes on got far too humiliating for him. Specifically, when his roommate had their friend group over all the time. He’d have to give them all a curt wave before hastily going back to his room. He didn’t know any of them, so it didn’t seem necessary for more. Hongjoong had nothing against them, especially not the pretty one who always stared at him through sharp hooded eyes.

Before heading back to his apartment, Hongjoong stops at a convenience store.

When Yunho would wake up after a one-night stand that he didn’t bring back to his own place, he followed the routine many people universally did. He collected his clothes, got dressed, made his way out of the bedroom as soon as possible. Then he headed back to his dorm. The walk of shame was never humbling, not until now.

His roommate, another victim to last night’s campus rager is sitting on the carpeted floor, back resting against his bed. He massages his temples disgruntledly before reaching for the water bottle on his nightstand. Alerted by the doorknob twisting, Yeosang meets Yunho’s eyes and raises his eyebrows. “Had fun last night?” Yeosang has got a toothless grin on his face as he watches the latter chuck his belongings onto his own nightstand and faceplant onto his covers.

Yunho doesn’t reply with words, half because what he says is muffled and also because he really doesn’t want to reply at all. Yunho slept with someone while he was drunk last night. That wasn’t the problem though. That he was drunk. Or that he had sex. Yunho has hooked up with many people. He understands that the twenty first century is far more advanced and open, that is also not a problem. He’s also not bad at sex, his previous encounters have always been enjoyable for both parties. As well as the occasional third parties.

What happened last night was a first, and he should hope it’s also the last. Yunho doesn’t though.

The lack of proper reply had Yeosang confused, Yunho wasn’t exactly the kiss and tell type but even with some shitty hangover he had a more boastful demeanour upon returning from whatever hook up he had. Yeosang rolls his eyes, shuffling over to the other’s nightstand to pull out a lighter and a plastic bag of pre-rolls.

Weed makes Yunho chatty, and Yeosang wants to know the truth. He nudges the taller boy to move, and Yunho makes the half-hearted effort of rolling onto his side instead. Yunho lights the joint, inhaling before chucking the lighter back into the open drawer. He hands the other the stick, watching as Yeosang’s pretty lips wrap around the joint.

The boy looks up at him as smoke escapes his mouth in small swirls. Has his roommate always had such fuck me eyes? Why is he sitting like that infront of Yunho? Christ, this weed is strong. Why does his face feel so flushed all of a sudden? The boy speaking draws him out of his trance. “So how bad was your hookup? Don’t tell me she was some ugly chick when she rolled over,” Yunho chews on his bottom lip, playing with the fabric of his covers. His words are hard to focus on, his roommate has such a nice voice. He gulps, his heartbeat speeding up. “No, that’s not it."

“Then what is it? I’d be happier if I were you,” Yeosang muses as he turns to face the other completely, head tilting to the side. Yunho wishes the boy would stop licking his lips like that, cotton mouth be damned. Yunho feels everything around him blur; eyes focused on the boy’s exposed neck. Yeosang’s hand stretches around the plastic water bottle, Yunho’s jaw clenching tighter as a stray drop of water falls from the side of Yeosang’s mouth. He clears his throat before he opens his mouth to respond. Through a weed-induced haze, Yunho accidentally slurs out, “it wasn’t a she.”

Yeosang indulges in every party he hears about, doesn’t matter what’s happening the next morning. That’s the thrill of it, to see just how fucked up he can get and how quickly he’ll recover. He also loves hook-ups, he’s not against dating but he doesn’t think he could be a great boyfriend to anyone right now. Call it emotional unavailability if you wish, he’s just trying to live his college life to the fullest. So, a casual hookup seems like the obvious solution to him, he’s not some prick who wants to lead anyone on, but you know, he still has needs.

Yeosang chucks his head back as he downs a cup handed to him by his friend, swaying too slowly for how upbeat the song is. It doesn’t matter, he’s in his own world as he watches the people around him make out. He’s not judging them though, just looking for someone to do it with too. He’s also not desperate for a fuck, pickier instead.

He has rules for who he sleeps with, it’s not a free for all with Yeosang. They can’t be from his close friend circle, not that there’s many people included in that list to begin with. It gets too messy sometimes, just doesn’t want the vibe to change if one night he’s fucking the shit out of someone he’s gonna go take to lunch the day after, platonically. His next rule is no co-workers. He breaks that rule far too much. Yeosang is more lenient with this one, depending on how pretty the person is.

The rule was established his first year of college. Freshly employed at a cute little ice cream parlour. Yeosang and the guy he worked with had been locked in the freezer room thanks to the faulty handle. They were on break after serving sundaes to a pair who looked like they were on a first date, flirting as they moved empty metal tins and stacked them on the shelves. When the large door wouldn’t budge, they texted their boss and all they had left to do was wait till he arrived.

Long story short, Yeosang learnt just how many ways ice cream could be eaten. Fun times. Well, it was, till his co-worker and him got carried away and Yeosang got fired for the first time. He still sees his ex-co-worker around campus time to time, they aren’t the closest, but they share a friendly smile before making their own way in a different direction.

Not all his hookups are the same though, some will just walk by him without a glance, and he would do the same. Yeosang doesn’t harbour romantic feelings for anyone he’s shared a bed (or other various surfaces) with. He makes sure of that with another one of his rules to never sleep with the same person twice, so when a familiar face with blonde hair approaches him he greets them before making his way to another area. He’s not gonna be rude to people he’s hooked up with, but he knows to at least enforce that it was a one-time thing before they try get too pushy.

Eventually when he settles down, he wants it to be someone he actually knows beyond just being naked with. His last rule is to not hookup with anyone he lives with. Far too domestic. (He certainly didn’t make this rule upon meeting Yunho for the first time.)

Point is, Yeosang loves living life till a certain extent. He doesn’t enjoy the messy situationships and will do his best to avoid them at all costs. His dick unfortunately betrays him on several occasions.

Standing in the walk-in freezer of the café he works for, knocking back too many pills wasn’t something Seonghwa predicted for his future after graduating high school. Sure, he knew he’d probably end up drinking a little too much in college (which he did last night) but shit, pills? Even that had him shocked the first time he truly registered it. He chuckles, looking down at the now empty capsule bottle. The fluorescent lights above him make the orange bottle glow in his trembling hand.

His vision blurs for a moment, and then everything around him feels so much more vivid. As he inhales, the chilled air of the freezer enters his lungs without protest, and he feels alive again. The beat of his heart speeds up and every sound around him becomes just that much clearer. With a couple more minutes till his break ends, he savors the feeling as much as he can.

The first batch of painkillers he received were for his shoulder injury, they had run out two months ago. The second round he got was from telling his doctor the pain hadn’t stopped. It had, the pain was gone, but the high he got after the first time he took too many was something he wasn’t ready to let go just yet. He knew addiction was stupid, for a multitude of reasons.

Number one because of all those talks they gave him back in his high school’s health class. Don’t drink alcohol, don’t smoke weed, never even look at cocaine. Shit like that didn’t really stop people, not in Seonghwa’s case at least. Teachers would list reasons like how it’d make you lose all your relationships with loved ones, or you’d end up so fucked in the head you’d get fired and end up on the street.

Seonghwa still had friends, contacted his parents like once every month and still worked at a shitty café. Therefore, he didn’t think that the first reason could really classify him as an addict. Or convince him to stop.

Number two, also taught in those lectures back in high school was that even if you were just drinking or smoking every now and then, that addiction sneaks up on you before you realise it. That eventually, whatever you take won’t be enough, and you’ll start shooting up heroin before your eighteenth birthday.

He proved them wrong, for the most part. He hadn’t touched heroin, but he guesses that yeah, that second bottle of pills started to not be enough too. His excuse was how much extra energy it gave him at work, then for studying a couple more hours into the night, then because it helped him wake up quicker in the mornings. It certainly helped him recover from last night’s party. That’s all it was really, a boost. People had their coffee every morning, so fuck it why not?

Seonghwa didn’t go back when his break was over, and he didn’t care much too. The owner was holed up in his office texting a woman (that was not his wife) so it’s not like he’d notice. Call him a piece of shit for not telling her but he wasn’t about to sacrifice his job for a woman that he didn’t know that well. Hell, it’s not like it was easy for him to hand her a coffee every day and thank her as she dropped her change in his tip jar.

Too much thought put into that was not good for his nerves.

Seonghwa exhales, laying against the metal shelves, pulling his phone out his back pocket. Ignoring notifications for overdue fees and his parent’s texts he continued scrolling. After finding the right contact he held his phone up to his ear. After a few seconds the call had been picked up, the tremble in his hand had stopped but his grip on the container tightened.

navigation┆prologue┆next

#recs #seonghwa my beloved #im in love with him #second ateez bias

36 notes · View notes

bunnakit · 4 months ago

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(please bear with me this is the most convoluted question known to man, but whenever you post for asks I can't help but want to scratch my weird lore theory itch, sorry not sorry)

So, like, the chomer's got fancy magic powers, right? And there were those photoshoots back during Treasure where each member had some kind of prop, right? And we've seen a couple kind of appear in other mv's like the telescope showing up in Answer, or Mingi's lines all coming through the radio in Fireworks when he was the one who had the ham radio as a prop. And, arguably, the candelabra Seonghwa has in the photoset and then the lantern he has in Wonderland. (I personally like to think that there are a couple other magic pirate artifacts already in play and its just that whatever they do hasn't been relevant to mention in the diary lore or the point of the timeline we're currently at yet).

I was just kind of idly thinking about how Hongjoong had a wand in that photoset, which hasn't specifically shown up anywhere again in that exact same form, (and quite frankly how in the heck they would ever work a wand into an mv)

and then I was like 'a wand is basically just a long stick, how would you adapt-... wait a minute'

a cane is also basically just a long stick. That he has in Guerrilla and Don't Stop, (and I know Don't Stop is not part of main canon and its own thing, but I love how they just spin slightly different AU flavours of their own lore as it suits them, and the cane in Don't Stop is.... kind of significant in the mv soooooo)

This was my crazily-roundabout way of asking if you had any thoughts/theories etc about Hongjoong and wands/sticks/canes, normal, magical, or otherwise and the lore

AAH LORE ANON YESS thank you for gracing my inbox its always a treat

so i kind of have weird theories on this? my friend [@pop-off-nabokov] and i were doing some Cromer Silvia conspiracy board theories one night and we realized something really interesting about trends in ATEEZ MVs and their themes in general.

so the captains symbol looks A LOT like like The Wheel tarot, a card that essentially breaks down the alchemical symbols of life (with EIGHT in the outer ring)

and then you have their entire last album theme The World

the wands could either be a reference to a 'of wands' tarot or the wand-like objects shown here in The World

and one of the big themes i noticed throughout Halazia is Hongjoong and Seonghwa play off each other in a theme of 'as above, so below' - Seonghwa is bathed in light and on the surface and we meet Hongjoong as Wooyoung gestures down and the camera pans downwards where Hongjoong, dressed in dark colors, seems to be a figurehead of a different gathering.

as for the lantern in Wonderland, well, i've got something for that too

The Hermit also depicts a lantern!

we also have...

Judgement

and...

The Fool - okay this one is a bit of a stretch but the pose is pretty spot on and the meaning of The Fool feels very lore!San (and really, all of the boys entering their journey in the Z World)

so i don't think it's out of the realm of possibility that ATEEZ features a lot of nods to tarot and perhaps some of the artifacts may be related to them in some way. now if they're magic like the Cromer or not? who is to say. i certainly would love to find out the looking glass allows you to see through the dimensions or something similar, or that the staff/wand has the same abilities as the breakers or who knows.

and if we want to be extra ridiculous about it, well, i hope this is at least good for a laugh