#self dooubt

[thethingsiyhink]

24 January 2023

I remember now. . .

I was starting to forget why I’m usually apprehensive about relationships. I finally really started moving on with my life! I’m in a happy and healthy relationship. I’d met someone that tells me how special I am to him. He got me flowers, checked in on me before bed, and even made sure I ate proper meals. I would always feel so happy being around him and even felt so safe. I felt like I could be myself around him and I even liked his friends. Everything sounds so great.

The problem is that I remembered that there’s this weird part of my brain that thinks that love will not last long for me. A part that believes that in order for someone to stay with me, I have to modify my personality in some way in order to be acceptable. When I have feeling like this I have to really take a step back and try to figure out what triggered this. This time around its been some of the comments he made that I can’t stop thinking about.

He’s very into his own self image and that’s never been my style. He works out everyday and that’s just not me. I want to be the type of person that cares but since I’ve gone so long without really putting a lot of effort into my appearance that it’s hard for me to start. He’s a very fashionable guy and I’ve allays loved my t-shirt and jeans. I’ve always wanted to find my own style and he said he would gladly help me. I’m not much of a gym person but he is. He wants me to be more active and I’m currently the most I’ve ever weighed in my life. He said he would help me with that too. I’ve noticed that he has some personal issues with his own self image and I’m starting to notice that those are bleeding into how I view myself

I’ve started overthinking about his feelings for me. His messages feel less loving and anytime I mention my feelings, I feel like he pulls away from me. I’m pretty sure I’m making all of this up in my head but all of it feels real to me. I feel like I want to cry at the thought of losing him. That’s usually how I get when I start to get attached to someone. I start to question every little interaction. This time I started to feel so self conscious I cried. I don’t know how to deal with these emotions. I don’t want to talk about them because I don’t think they’ll be well received. I know that I need to find a way to properly express myself in a way that does not make me seem emotional and winey. 

This is past relationship trauma and I know it. . .

I was in a relationship with someone that literally told me that he tunes me out when I get like this. I told myself I would never give anyone an excuse to say that about me again. I know that that it is the wrong way of thinking about it because I’m no longer with that person and never will be again but it still haunts me. Parts of that relationship haunt very part of my new relationships. It is the reason why I have such a hard time feeling like I deserve to be loved and cared for. It is the reason I cannot let someone look out for and take care of me. I love the man I’m currently with with all of my heart and I can’t wait to see where it goes and have adventures together. That said, I’m still so scared. No matter what I have to be myself. I know that one of the things that he doesn’t like is when I have lout outbursts. I understand that. Even I don’t wanna be yelled at. Wanting to fix and change that about myself is different from before because the outbursts are a symptom of another issue that I know that I have. I have a hard time keeping my emotions in check. That happens even outside of my romantic relationships and I always hate the way that I feel afterwards. I’m not working on this because of a guy.

I’m doing this for me because I deserve to feel good about myself in my own head and heart. At the end of the day, that’s all that matters. My journey to self love starts with how I regulate and appreciate my own feelings.