#seeing it all laid out like this is just looooool

[episbep]

rehab day thirty six

me as a bin vs me as a human (I am the small one, ☀️👶 is big)

what a clusterfuck of a day

• in group therapy the most reserved member of the group shared that she is a swinger and her feelings of shame and guilt following the act which led to big realisations surrounding my own sexual conduct and how I use sex to validate/invalidate myself based on how I am feeling about myself at the time and the fact that I often base my own self worth on how my sexual partners see me (prime example being me and boo for the past four+ years) continuing on this shit cycle is likely to lead to hard and fast relapse and further decreased self esteem/self worth

• I presented my consequences assignment (basically all of the shit things I did in active addiction and how they have harmed those around me) and had to hold back tears multiple times throughout - I felt such an immense sense of relief after doing so and receiving feedback though, was also a much needed reminder as to why I cannot return to the way things were and remain sober

• found out in study period that ☀️👶 sent a dick pic to my friend which huuurrrtt esp considering I’d just told her I was planning to fuck him looooool

• got a verbal warning for having energy drinks in the fridge (lol dumb ass) promptly admitted it was me and apologised and legit won’t do it again

• went to the beach and ignored ☀️👶 but then spoke to him about the situation and he basically said he’s an idiot and has actual feelings for me (am I just falling for a fuckboy again and being delusional bc I want the validation or being skeptical by not believing him idk and idc I wanna fuck) he kissed me on the beach, I laid on his chest cuddling him and kissed some more, felt like a teenager again was very lovely was very happy - then flex took the above pic lol he’s a bit salty that I binned him off to “focus on recovery” then started shacking up with his housemate🥴 fair

• got a new housemate (she’s really lovely, intelligent, beautiful, alcoholic) - the atmosphere in the house has lifted again and I don’t feel responsible for keeping everyone amused /the perv at bay so much anymore, kinda just getting on with it

• had eight veggie chicken nuggets for dinner (shef😘👌)

• over an hour long video call with ☀️👶 not sure that it’s gonna lead anywhere other than fucking but definitely is gonna lead to at least a fuck (he sent me videos of him helicoptering his cock and oh my god I want it in me)

• ex messaged me saying he’s proud of me and got me feeling some kinda way…not quite processed that yet and still have an unopened message, honestly idk how I feeeeeeeeeel

[smileandasong]

i was tagged by the lovely @this-yearsmodel, thank you so much friend!  rules: share your 12 favorite songs from this year (one from each month or just your favorites overall) and tag 12 people! considering it’s been a week of 2021, i’ll do 2020. i tried to pick a song that i vibed with a lot at that particular month of 2020 and limited it to one artist per month. so for me, these aren’t necessarily my favorite songs overall from the year, but my favorite song from that month of the year. thank u to spotify stats and my playlist for helping me remember :) january: the boy who destroyed the world by afi (i was really fixating on the tony hawk pro skater 3 soundtrack at this point gftdfrdesrfds) february: i never told you what i do for a living by my chemical romance (after i got my mcr tickets, they were like all i listened to. this was also the start of my getting back into bandom!) march: hawaii (stay awake) by waterparks (i got very into parx during quarantine! it was very fast and furious, because now, i’m not listening to them much ygtfdtreds BUT DOUBLE DAY SLAPS) april: paradise lost by the used (the used were SUCH a big part of 2020 for me, i listened to them so much this year that i honestly thought they were gonna be my top artist. heartwork came out this month and i couldn’t get enough!) may: xo by fall out boy (i celebrated the fifteenth anniversary of from under the cork tree by listening to this album twelve times in one day, and then to end it all, i just kept repeating xo over and over. i think i listened to it eight times in a row on my twelfth listen through!) june: dead horse by hayley williams (even though the album came out around this time, i didn’t really truly listen to it a lot til a few months later. except for dead horse, oh man, i FUCKED with dead horse and still do, it’s so good) july: new friend request by gym class heroes (i made what i consider to be my best playlist this month, my golden age of fueled by ramen one, and that only happened because all of the ones on spotify didn’t have gym class heroes!!! and i was NOT gonna stand for that!) august: behind the sea (alternate version) by panic! at the disco (but really, ryan ross) (ryan ross turned 34 this month, didn’t post a damn thing about it, and yet i still celebrated his birthday, listened to this and cried my eyes out) september: jesus of suburbia by green day (i celebrated a lot of album anniversaries this year, including this month, with the sixteenth birthday of my favorite album and favorite song of all time!) october: clusterhug by idkhow (RAZZMATAZZ MONTH!!! i wish i could relive the experience of hearing this song again for the first time because oh my GOD, incredible) november: hello by evanescence (all i did in 2020 was relive my old music and interests, but now completely unashamed, so of course that meant listening to a lot of evanescence. this album just has such strong late fall/early winter energy, especially this song) december: right here in my arms by HIM (and more or less the present too. 2020 started with me obsessing over tony hawk/00s mtv related media and music, fitting that it ends with it as well)

and now to tag!!! @bringmoreknives, @headfirrstforhalos, @stumph, @itsnotasideeffect, @iero, @ofalltheginjoints, @clusterhugmp3, and anyone else who wants to do it!

[0225pm]

hello!!!!!

haven’t posted anything in a long while and i decided to post one tonight before i sleep bc i feel guilty for not updating farhan’s newspaper hahaha. i’m also waiting for my hair to dry a little so yeah kill two birds with one stone!

my eyes are super irritated now btw like the right eye esp wtf i kept rubbing at it bc it feels like there’s smth in my eye and i HATE rubbing my eyes bc it’ll give you wrinkles and break all the capillaries around your eyes causing dark circles like mine is alr dark enough i don’t need it to be any darker. like i think it’s bc of my contacts?? a sigh that i must change my lenses alr pls sponsor me bb degree 500/500 brown or grey lens i’m ok hahahaahahahah. ok so i will try to summarize today as fast and as short as i can even tho i like to type everything down in details so that future me and future farhan may be able to recall memories easier but das ok we gotta be quick

ok so today i called farhan around 230pm cus i had a feeling he slept quite late ytd since he was woken up from his sleep. and i thought 230pm ok la can la not too early not too late cus he has to shower and prep and come over to my area as well. after some calls he finally picked up and then it changed to a video call? he has been video calling me a lot these days like instead of the usual normal calls and i’m not complaining tbh hahahaha i actually love it cus i get to see his face even tho we’re not physically together but i look damn ugly ah so sometimes i’ll not put my face in the camera damn stupid i know cus it’s not like he hasn’t seen my face in its worst condition like back when my acne were literal cysts and he still stayed and didn’t leave but hahaha these kinda insecurities will take a looooooong time for it to go away one la hais anyway ok sorry back to the story of the day!!!

wtf sorry if the paragraphing is weird ah or if got long gaps cus i’m typing w my phone n idk why it’s not letting me like just down space once small little paragraph space but ok nvm let’s not bother about that lmao. ok so then i got ready and did my hair and i’m kinda regretting cutting bangs the other time cus my hair got used to the long fringe that now my bangs curl up if i don’t use hair straightener or if it got wet or if i sweat like it doesn’t stay straight down so sad. then picked out my outfit in my head but i was still wearing home clothes when he came over cus i thought i should wait before i change since we haven’t technically decided on where to go and i rly didn’t wanna sweat before we go out. then we laid in bed for a bit and farhan was being such a cranky old man i just wanna give him a loving punch but i didn’t ofc. then i changed and wore this super cute outfit with my windbreaker and i actually rly like what i wore wth like it’s cute ok but there he was judging my outfit 🙄 annoying pe hahahaha cus it was so hot out and for me to wear a wb like a bit crazy ah so we went out of the house n all then i forgot my damn mask again cb i cannot sia always forget nowadays like can they just lift the rules alr. so i went back to take and then i was like fak i cannot i gotta change into smth less hot bc it rly was so damn hot outside like it looks like it’s cloudy n was boutta rain but no sia so panas gila so i changed into this little ahpek blouse which tbh is one of my fav vintage blouse that i own. i like the fit of it it’s oversized but not too crazy oversized that it just looks weird. i asked farhan and he said it just looks like when someone had sex and then borrowed the man’s shirt to put on and i feel like wow that’s actually quite hot sia mcm give me a bit of an extra boost of confidence liddat lol but anyway ya besides the point.

then after that we went to tampines and had saap saap thai for our lunch. it was niceeee since we haven’t been there in a long while so the food was great at least imo la. but the chilli pedas gila but i think quite shiok ah. the soup if not spicy not nice or like still nice but not as nice if it’s not spicy. but i’m a noob so i put like hujung je the chilli hahahaha farhan put like half sia gila. we also had milk tea and green milk tea which was initially farhan’s but we swapped bc the milk tea was too sweet for me. then after that we went to nine fresh!!!! my top fav bbt shop currently bc of the rly interesting toppings u can put. i think next time i wanna buy 0% ah cus i feel like the 25% like quite sweet sia idk why or maybe it’s bc the toppings alr sweet so when it’s mixed it feels like there’s double the sweetness. then after that we went to this korea mart. shine korea i think but wtf i feel like the shine korea like....... idk sia they don’t have a lot of variety and they don’t sell loose packs like how i feel most korea mart actually sell loose packs of instant noodles. i still like the one at bedok maybe next time i’ll head there to buy the items i need and cook smth for farhan ���� even tho it’s just instant noodles but i learned a recipe on how to enhance the noodles and make it taste professional looooool so i rly wanna try making that for us to eat next time. oh and i’m so happy that farhan enjoys my wrap!!!!! this would be a story for another day.

then after that decided to head back since there weren’t anymore korea marts around. i had to withdraw some money for my mom first so we did that then walked back to where he parked his bike. then upon reaching home we just rested up for a bit. watched some videos and all. and i just wanted to sleep idk why when i’m laying on his chest or like shoulder i feel sooo comfy i legit just wanna sleep. but as time kept ticking we decided to head outside to lepak since we’re not married yet perhaps he felt like it isn’t good or nice of him to stay in the house till late but idk i think my dad was kinda distracted with soccer to even care much today so i felt like we could have stayed longer if we wanted to and omg leh my stomach rly said hello go berak so many times to me today walao i think 3 times? but good la hais i’m so constipated sia my bowel movements damn irregular annoying sia and unhealthy hais. then when we were outside it started pouring!!!! at first not so heavy but it got heavier throughout and it felt so nice!! and i know farhan can’t do this often but he stayed till like 5am before he left and it just brings back that memories of when he would stay till late just to keep my company and spend more time with me.

sobsssss i miss him alr 😭😭😭😭😭😭

i forgot to wish him happy monthsary before he left and he just wished me now as i’m typing this i want to reply him so i’m just gonna end the post here okay hehe goodnight!!

[supernatural-firstwatch]

Season 8 Episode 20: Pac-Man Fever

- Dean looks utterly confused to be waking up as an Army doctor from... What year is he in now? Did he time travel again? But hey! The name on his uniform is “Winchester!” And the music continues playing even though he removed the needle. Ok, move the table blocking the door... WOAH! That’s a lot of dead people!!! Goddamn it, Dean! How the fuck did you end up in 1951 now??

- Flashback to 24 hours earlier!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Man, Sam looks like hell. “Man, I’m telling you. Give me five minutes with a clipper and--” “Awh, shut up.” Wow! Sam lay down to sleep at noon the day before?? And now he has no reflexes to catch the bottle of beer. “It’s why we don’t have nice things, Sam.” Oof, Sam didn’t even hit the target. And he REALLY looks like shit. Good job make-up department.

- The Batcave just gets better and better. “Huh. This place must be in some kind of, like, Bermuda triangle.” “What, are you saying, that we can make and receive phone calls from here and nobody can track us? Man, I love this place.” 

- OMG! CHARLIE IS STILL LARPING!!! HAHAHAHA!!! AND THE GUYS ARE INVITED TO THE JUBILEE!!! OMG!!! LOVE IT! NOOOO!!!!! CHARLIE FOUND THE SUPERNATURAL BOOKS FROM CHUCK!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! “Thanks for saving the world. Sorry you have zero luck with the ladies.” “We need to find every single copy of those books and burn them.” They’re online now, so good luck with that.” “Awesome.”

- OMG I CAN’T EVEN!!!! DEAN IS TAKING HER SHOPPING WHILE FORGING HER FAKE ID!!! THE MUSIC WAS ACTUALLY PLAYING ON HER PHONE!!! LOOOOL!!!! “*disappointed* Montage.”

- Awh, Charlie is sweet. “If it’s any consolation, having read your history. There is pretty much nothing the Winchesters can’t do if they work together.” 

- Oh, Sammy. At guess at least you hit the paper this time instead of the wall... Speaking of walls, Dean just smacked into the one known as red tape bureaucracy!!! That only took 8 seasons, LOL! 

- God, teenagers. They’re so stupid. Go ahead and poke the bloated corpse in the middle of the road with the pointy stick. Urgh, I don’t even want to see this. It’s going to explode all over them, isn’t it? Yep. And delayed reaction. 

- HAHAHA!!! Sam beat them to it. Man, Dean is going to be pissed. “Charlie, why don’t you talk to the witnesses?” “But I don’t want to miss the bro-ment.” “Charlie!” LOL! “Dean, you cannot take care of the both of us. I need to be out here. “Play through the pain,” right?” “Oh, come on, man. Don’t quote me to me.” 

- “Does this mean we don’t have to break into the coroner’s office?” “That’s a great idea.” Poor Charlie. Now she’ll get to see how these two really are: impossible. HAHAHA!!! Sam and Charlie got there before Dean! And startled him. “What took you so long?” “I stopped for gas. Shut up. The body’s in here.” LOOOOOOOOOL!!!!

- HAHAHA!!! Sam wanting Charlie’s computer monster software and Charlie wanting Dean’s book of lore. “I hate that thing. I want one.” Hmmm... What is up with Charlie? Cause the brothers have noticed that she seemed off “since the second she got here.” 

- I KNEW THE CORONER WAS THE DJINN!!! She prolly pegged them as hunters from the start.

- Damn. Talk about a fight with the Djinn. Awh, Charlie’s mom is in a vegetative state after getting hit by a drunk driver on her way to pick up Charlie from a sleepover. :(

- “You’re not going anywhere.” “Withheld scream.” “Do you know what I smell on you?” “Deodorant? A little pee, maybe?” Man, those ropes around Charlie are so slack she should be able to wiggle right out of them. Haha! She owns an abandoned shipping warehouse. Of course she does. 

- Awh, I love it when those two are on the same wavelength. African dream root! “I’m going to need to go to sleep fast. Punch me. I know that you don’t want to, but--” *Sam punches Dean hard!* “You’re a little off your game there, cause that was pretty--” *Sam uppercuts Dean, Dean goes DOWN!*

- WOW! This was Charlie’s happy place??? WHAT THE FUCK, CHARLIE?? Oh wait, no. Not this Djinn. This Djinn like the taste of fear, so it would send you to your worse nightmare instead of your happy place. HAHAHA!!! Charlie’s nightmare is a first person shooter against super-soldier vampires! LOOOOOL!!!!!

- Where’s the second Djinn? The coroner said Charlie would make a nice meal for two. Sam is all by himself guarding the two of them, while super sick. There is no way there isn’t a second Djinn. THERE HE IS!!! Hello, teenage Djinn! Sam is going to get his ass whooped. WEll, look at that. Sam managed to kill him after all.

- Awh, Charlie :( :( :( 

- AWWWH!!!!!!! “I love you.” “I know.” THE STAR WARS REFERENCE!!!!! LOOOOOOL!!!!!! I love Charlie’s relationship with them.

- AWH THESE BOYS!!!! *Sam sees Dean approaching and scrambles to stand up* “Okay, look. You were right. I-I should have laid low. I-I know. I shouldn’t hung back-- I’m glad I was able--” *Dean cuts him off by hugging his lights out* “What do you say we find our prophet?” *Sam looks utterly bewildered as Dean walks away shedding his jacket*

:( :( :( :( :( Charlie and her mom.... 

[purplesurveys]

87

What’s your favourite flavour of jam? I hate jam. I never want to see it anywhere near my bread, nor my desserts. And what’s your name? Hello, I’m Robyn :-) Are you a fast runner? I used to be fast enough that I made it to our track team, but I haven’t run a lot in quite some time so I don’t know about now. I got a bit sluggish over the past few years I think. At school was is/was the main reason you get/got in trouble? I never made my parents sign the circulars being given, nor did I take deadlines seriously. I found grade/high school dumb even then so I never really put in my 100% because it would be irrelevant in college. I was right. Are you an independent person? No. I’m terribly scared; I need opinions; I always need somebody by my side.

Is there any singer’s voice you cannot bear to listen to? Meghan Trainor, Alessia Cara.. When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle? Years ago. Definitely more than ten years back by now. Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk? No but now you’ve given me an idea. Have you ever entered an art competition? If I wanted to embarrass myself I’d join one. No I haven’t - I didn’t quite get the gift of being creative. Are you competitive in nature? Yeah, very. I take everything as a competition and tend to beat myself up when I see myself being ‘second’ to somebody. Would you ever pierce yourself? No thanks. What is something people automatically assume about you? That I’m reserved and can sometimes have a little attitude, which is not at all false. What you see is what you get with me, I guess.

Do you make your views heard or do you hide in the background? I make them heard. I can be a bit of a punk when it comes to my opinions, which is probably a bad thing. But I have a big mouth that would be insane if I silenced it. Do you have many friends from foreign countries? I mean, when I was in the wrestling community on Tumblr and Twitter, yeah. I had tons of friends from North America, South America, Europe...my interest kind of waned after a bit though and so did my relationships with them. What is one thing you will never do? Own a pet cat. My sister recently got one, so this can be already technically false, but she solely takes care of her and I only very rarely interact with the cat. I’d never have one of my own. Are there any commercials that make you sad?  All the Asian ones about insurance companies get me LOL Do you require other peoples opinion’s a lot? Require as in force them out of them? Never. I’d ask what they think of something in a super open-minded way, but would never voluntarily get into debates. What is one food that you detest? Pineapple. Have you ever been pantsed in public? No. Unclipping bras became hugely popular in fifth grade though. It was stupid. Do you like stationary shopping (pens, etc)? No. Will you do my English essay for me? Depends on what it’s about, but sure. Do you ever leave things until the last minute then wish you did them sooner? Some tasks, I guess yeah. But I don’t feel like this about schoolwork; the later I do something the better the product, and I learned that through the years :/ Do you ever try to decipher the meanings of your dreams? No. But I’ve had more than a handful of dreams lately with the same theme of my girlfriend getting shot instead of me, and although I’m not losing sleep trying to find the meaning, it sure has had me puzzled for a while now. Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and then can't get back to sleep because your brain has gone into overdrive? Yes, but it isn’t about overdrive or anything like it. It’s just me. Do you live in a safe neighborhood? Yeah, very safe. Gated, lots of guards on watch, lots of streets so no one knows where you live, stuff like it. Have you ever watched the movie Braveheart? I haven’t. Did your parents dress you in humiliating clothes when you were little? Sometimes, yes. My mom used to make me wear a polo and a necktie and it made me hugely uncomfortable at the time. I still don’t know what made her do it. Is there any festivals your planning on going to this summer? The Hot Air Balloon Festival is coming up next February (not really summer but whatever) and my family plans on going again :) We went there seven years ago; I don’t know why we didn’t make it a yearly thing afterwards since it was so fun! Also how is 2010 seven years ago? Have you ever watched the Eurovision song contest? No. When I used to have online friends in Europe I used to dread when Eurovision season came up, because no one understood what they were talking about, and it happened FOR DAYS   When you have a cut do you ever feel the urge to poke it? Haha sure. Hooray for hurting myself. What is the last thing you did that shocked someone? Cut my hair till my neck. Shocked my siblings. Do you remember the original theme tune to Pokemon? Of course. I WANNA BE THE VERY BEST THAT NO ONE EVER WAAAAS DUN DUN DUNDUUUNNN Do you like that new book smell? It’s very pleasant, yes; but I don’t live for it like others. Are you good at giving directions? LMAO I’m really not. When someone asks me for a building around campus all I can say is “It’s on the other side.” I’m awful. What is the last thing that disappointed you? Last night. Events I anticipate that then turn out to be a bummer disappoint me more than anything. My BPD acted up and I was very hard to deal with as a result. How do you like your tea? No tea. Can you open your mouth very wide? Sure, I guess...it’s why I eat large ass cheeseburgers all the time. What was the reason for your last x-ray? I had a physical for UP. Funnily enough it was one of the few times I got X-rayed and they had to find out I had scoliosis. Do you ever say really inappropriate things at the wrong time? Yes. My mouth has a bad habit of doing this. What is the last piece of advice you received? As in any advice? Welp, I asked Gab for help regarding yearbook work, and she laid it all out for me. Have you ever read Murphy’s law? Yup, but I forgot where I heard it. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? I did. I was a terrible teen. Some of my mindsets and habits have continued to this day, but I was much worse as a 13 year old. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. Are you still that religion? No. Do you have any plans for this week? Try to get my mind off of things, get back for my second sem, and hopefully have fun :) When is the last time you just wanted to give up everything? Last night. It was a bad case of dissociation, I didn’t feel like I was anywhere at the time, and I had to drive home all the way from Ortigas at midnight. Just awful in every sense of the word. Do you think your parents did a good job raising you? They did and gave me everything they can, I’m not going to deny this. But they somehow failed on giving me the care I needed. There is a difference. What is the most common name where you live? Maria. Do/Did you have a teacher at school who just despised your mere existence? Ugh, there were a handful of them. When Gab and I came back to the school fair a couple of weeks ago, we happened to pass by some of these teachers who allegedly despise me. So I told Gab about each and everyone of them and by the fourth time I said, “This teacher hated me too,” I realized how much of a pain in the ass I was to a lot of my teachers looooool Do you like to wear sunglasses? Not really. I don’t like my vision being dimmed, plus I’d have to wear them with actual eyeglasses because I’m virtually blind. Are you a selfless person? I can be, especially with people I love. Is there anyone mad at you these days? I think everyone is... Do you often find yourself questioning your future? Yes. What’s on your mind right now? Last night and how I can’t cope with it very well because I was horrible and I can’t stop beating myself up about it. Answering a survey or two really helps, though.