#see this is why i said we can’t have been mutuals for just 3 months i feel like we’ve been talking for way longer lol | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

a-kaash-me-outside · 9 months ago

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˚₊‧ ᴡɪʟʟ ɪᴛ ʙᴇ ᴄᴀsᴜᴀʟ ɴᴏᴡ? ‧₊˚

♡ ft. geto, toji, gojo, higuruma, nanami ♡ total wc: 10.9k // nsfw minors dni! // ♡ contents: ౨ৎ 𝑎 𝑐𝑜𝑛𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑢𝑡𝑎𝑡𝑖𝑜𝑛 𝑜𝑓 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 ౨ৎ, afab reader she/her pronouns, no smut in gojos or tojis im sorry, emotionally stunted men kinda but they grow isnt that nice (not talking abt higuruma and nanami god no), the aftermath of fwb caught feelings, consolation, emotional aftercare ig, lotta domestic fluff for higuruma and nanami's!!!! (everyone say ty @noosayog for nanami's bc she is the only reason i wrote his) ♡ listen along: casual by chappell roan ♡

- ᡣ𐭩 time passes and people change, and just because you fell first doesn't mean you don't get a happy ending + bonus continuation of higuruma's and nanami's ᡣ𐭩 -

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ɢᴇᴛᴏ [ 3 ʏᴇᴀʀs ]

on the list of people that you thought you’d see tonight, geto isn’t even in the top 100, not because of probability or likelihood, but solely based on the fact that you have not thought about this man in years. if you were asked the question from your future self, “holy shit, guess who we saw tonight?” you would’ve listed old friends, distant relatives, exes, minor celebrities, other flings, teachers from high school, people from stories you’ve only heard of, and then geto.

after that night, you really didn’t see barely any of him. a few posts on your feed: one 2 weeks after and another 2 months after that one when you remembered that you forgot to unfollow him. once on campus: him across a million tables getting lunch with some girl too long after your little thing for you to care about who she was to him at all. once at a mutual (though you didn’t know was mutual at the time) friend’s party close to graduation: you ran into him grabbing a drink from the cooler and neither of you said a single word to each other, just exchanged a very knowing glance.

fast forward a handful of years, with geto not on your mind during a single one of them, and you’re stunned, nearly speechless, as you recognize him across the bar. the track of which your mind is racing takes you stop after stop to thoughts and feelings you didn’t really ask to experience. they follow a curving roadmap in your mind of: why is he here? ↝ wow, he looks great ↝ does he live nearby still? ↝ that’s weird ↝ no, it isn’t weird, i still live here ↝ then what are the fucking chances that he’s here ↝ no, seriously he looks so good

he looks different though, you realize about 3 minutes into sneaking glances in his direction, in some way that you just can’t put your finger on right now. in your slightly tipsy state, you barely stop to ask yourself how you even clocked that it was him so quickly, how there was no hesitance in the recognition or questioning in the placing. he looks really fucking good.

in fact, now that all of the obligatory thoughts have come to a heed, that’s really the only thing that you can think about. how good he looks.

the events that happened that ended your situationship all of those years ago are nothing but outlines now; whatever you said or he said just sounds like underwater conversations. you can see the way that you left and you remember being dumbfounded, but everything else has lost its sting, like a story you’d recall to a friend of a friend in a setting much like the one you’re in. time has handled the memory the way that time does and as a result, when the two of you finally make eye contact after what feels like an hour of missed mutual glances, you offer a small wave. a wave that says, “i remember only knowing you in past tense. we are such different people now, i wonder what it would’ve been like if we met now instead.”

the wave was the first step, technically, sure, but he makes the literal first step. he departs from the conversation he’s been enthralled with for as long as you’ve been stealing glances and he weaves between people in the middle of their own stories before ending up in front of you.

when he does, he asks, as if he’s just randomly bumped into you rather than intentionally coming over, “shit… is that you?” he puts his hand on the back of your chair, thumb brushing your shoulder.

the friend that you’re with cocks their head, furrows their eyebrows, has no idea who this is or their connection to you, the timelines of their interactions with you spaced too far apart for one to know the other. geto notices this look, addresses it. “we used to…,” he pauses, “see each other? for a little bit.”

you can’t help the laugh that bubbles up from your chest at the way he describes it. “yes, yes we did,” you nod. “back in college,” you explain a little further, “been a while.”

the interaction quiets, the two of you exchanging soft smiles instead of words, and your friend knows where this thing is going before either of you even do, so they bow their head, offer their seat to geto, and take their leave in the name of some bullshit excuse. he takes it without a second thought, asking you how you’ve been, laughing about the time that you saw each other at that party, and after an hour of just talking he says, “yeah, i actually thought about you the other day.”

you nearly choke on the drink he’s bought you. you rush to put it down. “you did?” you ask.

he nods. “i don’t even remember what prompted it. i think, maybe, i saw a photo of myself from college and how different i looked and how different i feel now and then just, out of nowhere, remembered how shitty i was to you.”

you don’t say anything in return, running your finger around the lip of your glass as you stare at him. you don’t know how to say that you don’t care anymore, that you haven’t thought of those days in years, that the surprise that you displayed a few seconds ago was completely genuine, because you were so convinced that neither of you had. it comes out something like a shrug and, “we were practically kids.”

he answers so quickly, “well, kids or not, i’m sorry.”

you laugh, gently so he won’t think you’re laughing at his apology. really, you’re laughing at the notion of apologizing for an act that no longer warrants forgiveness. you laugh at the thought of giving it anyways. you place your hand on top of his on the edge of the bar. “thank you,” you nod. he nods back.

when you let him take you back to his place for old times sake, you’re half-expecting the same person from the ghosts of memories from years ago, like all of the things he said at the bar were just a last ditch effort to usher the night in the exact direction that it’s heading in.

but he’s different now, just like he said he was before he apologized, and you can feel it in his movements and his actions. more confident, more intentional. he kisses you first and it doesn’t taste selfish. it doesn’t feel rushed to get to the main event. he savors it, holds your head in his hands, and doesn’t touch a single other inch of your body until he’s found the right combination of fingertip pressure and tongue that has you melting into his palm.

your mind flickers to the notion that these actions might be pre planned because they feel so meticulous and thought out, but that impression quickly dissolves when he sinks inside of you, slowly, keeping his eyes locked on yours as he does, his hand reaching down to cup your cheek, fingers nearly trembling against your jaw when he presses his hips completely against the insides of your thighs.

“shit,” he hisses, hands moving down to your waist, fingers light like feathers practically crawling against your skin, as if each print was so grateful it got to make contact with the softness below. when he grips into the fat of your hips, he’s careful, intentional or not, pressing his thumbs into the bone, but not letting his nails leave a single mark. it’s pressured, but comfortable.

he holds you in place, slowly pulling his hips back and he can’t help but look down between your legs, watching himself disappear inside of you, a creamy mess at the base, shallow breaths recycled in his chest.

“hey,” you say, eyes locked on the tenseness of his jaw and the way that he stops himself with sharp inhales. he finds your gaze in a second. “don’t hold out on me here.” you rest your arm on his bicep, fingers curling around wherever they can reach.

you can feel it under your palm, his muscle tensing as his pace picks up, rhythm consistent, but unrelenting. the breaths come out of you quickly and you’re unable to hold any sort of facade. “ah- shit, f-fuck,” you cry, “holy shit.” you squeeze your eyes shut, swallowing harshly as strangled noises leave you without vetting a single one.

“n-no,” you shake your head, regretting it instantly as he slows down in response. you shake your head harder, “no, don’t stop, but- ah,” you groan, “your- you were- i meant,” you exhale a laugh, “let me hear you.”

his eyes widen slightly as he processes what you want from him, and then he listens. he leans down to kiss your lips and then your cheek and then your jaw and then your ear. yes, he’s fucking you better than you’ve ever been fucked in your entire life, but that’s not what makes you crumble. no, it’s his grunts and pants and breathy groans pressed right up against your skin.

you thread your fingers into his hair, twirling the ends of the locks between the tips, raking your nails down the base of his neck to the front, and then smoothing them down his chest. “more,” you mumble against him, and you’re not sure exactly what you mean, but he gives it to you, whatever it is. you’re certain he’d give you anything in the world right now if you just asked for it.

there’s a moment after when you’re lying there with him, shoulder pressed up against his, chest heaving, barely recovered, that you find yourself back in that college dorm. you don’t know why the tightness is rising in the hollow below your sternum, but it is. you remind yourself that you weren’t expecting anything from this anyway, so it doesn’t matter, but it does. you’re not sure if you just don’t want to be treated like that again or if it has something to do with geto being the one lying beside you.

when you turn your head to face him, he’s already looking at you. he doesn’t shy away in embarrassment, like it’s wrong that he’d be gazing at you after all of that. his features are steady, confident, strong. he smiles softly, brings his hand up to cup your cheek. “should we get breakfast in the morning?”

in the morning, you repeat in your head. you wait a beat, trying to come up with something to say, to proceed with caution or to discern his intentions or to at least not sound desperate, but all that comes out is, “in the morning?”

he nods, turning on his side so he can stare at you without his neck getting sore. he inches closer to you, kissing the top of your shoulder and then your temple. he drapes his arm over your stomach. “if that’s okay with you,” he says and then kisses you again.

“okay,” you nod back, lazy smile on your lips, eyelids heavy at the warmth surrounding you now as he pulls you closer to him. “yeah, sure,” you affirm, voice so soft and airy that the tightness in your chest is lifted away with the words, all that’s left is a hope you feel comfortable letting stick around.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ᴛᴏᴊɪ [ 3 ᴍᴏɴᴛʜs ]

you are not expecting anyone. you have resigned yourself to a nice pair of pajamas and comfy socks and a warm cup of tea and a spot in the living room that you will only leave for a refill and bathroom breaks. you are tucked into the corner of your couch, back pressed up against the sturdy arm, legs crossed, and a throw blanket over your lap.

you are not expecting anyone, so the sound at the door should have felt a lot more jarring. well, it is jarring for a second, a few seconds actually, the echoing disruption bouncing off of the walls of your living room and back to you, but then the noises repeat themselves, like they’re on a looping track, and you realize that-

you know that knock. heavy-handed with a tight fist, back of the knuckles, not the tops. almost pittering out by the end of the three successions, like the first one is direct and assured, but the second and third don’t really bother keeping up. that knock almost makes you run to the door. if it were 3 months ago, you’d be skipping to the door.

but you hesitate for a few reasons. firstly because when the connection hits that you know that knock very well, you remind yourself to proceed with caution. secondly because it sounds the same but with a difference as small as a hairline fracture. you heard that knock far too many times during the span of a year and a half, and this one sounds almost completely identical, but there’s a half second pause between the first knock and the second knock and the raps feel less impatient.

you don’t have to look through the peephole to know who’s standing on the other side of the door, but you’re glad you do anyway. if for nothing else, it gives you a slight edge, you’re convinced, like you’ve seen him first, you have the upperhand now. at least, that’s what you tell yourself.

toji hadn’t contacted you since he left that day. no texts. no calls. no showing up at your apartment at 3 am. nothing. you kept telling yourself that you’d hear from him. when that didn’t happen, you started telling yourself that you didn’t care if you heard from him. you’ve actually been waiting for this moment, replaying what it would look like if he came back, the things you’d say to him and how you’d say them.

now, looking out at him just standing there, you’re frozen. every scenario you’ve replayed in your head, all of the emotional venting and blow out screaming that you’ve rehearsed and you can’t recall a single scene. you think about leaving him out there, about telling him to go away through the door or just pretending like you’re not home.

“i can see the shadow of your feet under the door,” toji calls out, muffled by the barrier between you guys, and yet it still rings out through your entire body.

you slowly open the door. though, even if it took an entire hour to open the door, you’re not sure it would’ve mattered. you don’t think time is something that could’ve prepared you for seeing him. seeing him didn’t even prepare you for seeing him. you don’t know what to say, so you don’t say anything, folding your arms over your chest. you just wait.

“i-,” he starts, but then immediately stops, half sighs/half scoffs as he leans his chest forward, eyes scanning the inside of your apartment, for what exactly you’re not sure.

“what, toji?” you ask, voice stronger- and more annoyed- than you anticipate it being. you’re grateful for that. “why are you here?”

“shit, this is already hard enough for me t-,” he says, shaking his head, corner of his mouth tugging upward in frustration.

you narrow your eyes, cutting him off, “sorry, this is hard for you?” you feel like laughing or strangling him more than you do crying, which is a desired outcome in this situation, you suppose. “you know that you haven’t talked to me in three months, right? you haven’t talked to me?” you ask, and you can feel your pulse in your wrist and your chest now, because the lines are coming back to you slowly, one by one, circling your brain, fueling your confidence.

“yeah, no, of course i know that,” he combats, like you’re the one that’s being an asshole right now.

you smooth your fingertips against your eyes, blocking the sight of him out for just a second before gesturing with your hand as you ask, “are you going to answer my question or…?”

“look, i said that this is hard enough as it is for me to just be here,” he snaps, and if you were a little less annoyed, if he hadn’t come at this whole thing exactly how he was, you might’ve clocked the desperation in his voice or the uncertainty in his pupils.

“do you know how fucking stupid you sound right now?” you ask. it’s a rhetorical question.

one week after he left, you were certain he was going to come back. you and toji had gone a week without seeing each other or even speaking. you had even gone two weeks. sure, the conversation felt much more serious and, sure, really deep down you knew this time was different, but still, you held out dumb hope.

one month after he left and you realized this was not just him being weird and distant. this was something brand new that you had never had to deal with before. you were still trying to figure out how to navigate it when the two month realization hit: that maybe he wasn’t coming back at all, ever, maybe you had done something wrong. if he had shown back up on your doorstep during that time this conversation would’ve gone very differently you think.

but he didn’t. he showed up at month three when your reaction to random memories of toji were no longer tears and guilt, but laughter and bitterness. there weren’t many things that toji could say right now that would warrant anything more than you standing in your doorway for 4 minutes or less.

“i-,” he starts, but then sighs. he looks left, down the hallway of your building, eyes shifting from object to object out of your view.

“please don’t waste anymore of my time,” you reply and it’s softer than you intend. you thought it’d come out angrier. that seems like a theme for you tonight: everything sounding different in your head. when he doesn’t reply, you start a countdown, promising yourself that when you make it to 15, you’ll close the door in his face. you only make it to 13.

“i’m not here to waste your time,” he says, with no air of disgust or annoyance, the first halfway decent thing he’s said to you tonight. “i-,” he huffs again, “i’m here to say sorry. and-,” he hesitates.

you wait, just listening. the longer that he hesitates, the more time you have to think about what he might say and how you’re standing with your door open for the entire floor to hear your conversation. you’re not sure what’s worse, having this conversation in the confines of familiar grounds or the openness of neutrality.

“and ask… are you already seeing someone else?” he finishes.

you’re dumbfounded, blinking at him slowly before responding in the only way you can think of right now, “goodnight, toji.” you shake your head, cursing yourself for expecting anything more.

“no,” he rushes to say and then stumbles over the rest, “i- i tried to see somebody else, quite a bit of other people actually…”

you scoff, squinting at him, saying more sternly this time, with an added attestation of closing the door in his face, “goodnight, toji.”

he reaches out with a quick reflex, grabbing the door before you’ve barely even moved it. “wait, no, i- fuck,” he mutters, scrambling, “can i just come in?”

“so that was your plan then?” you drop your hand from the door. “to come back here unannounced, be shitty to me, ask if i’m sleeping with anyone, tell me that you’ve slept with lots of people, and then ask if you can come inside?” you ask.

“i didn’t have a plan-,” he replies.

“clearly,” you interject.

“but i’m trying,” he finishes, and you’re waiting for there to be more, to explain exactly how this constitutes as trying, because you don’t really see that here.

“fucking christ, toji, you’re going to have to try harder than whatever the fuck this is,” you sneer.

“we- we had a good thing,” he tries again. you don’t understand how every time he opens his mouth it gets worse and worse. why are you even entertaining this anymore?

“fuck you, man,” you scoff, and it feels like all of the anger has left your body, and in the void where it once was present is nothing but disinterest.

“no, not like that,” he backpedals. maybe if he would say more than four words at a time, or four better words at a time, then you wouldn’t have to keep filling in the blanks or being pissed off or- “for the last six months of our relationship, i didn’t sleep with anyone else,” he admits like it’s the answer to all of your problems. the word relationship burns at the forefront of your mind so hard that you don’t realize what he’s said for 10 whole seconds.

“i, so what?” your voice is unconvincing even to your own ears. you had slept with other people even 2 months before that last day. that wasn’t the issue. you guys were allowed to sleep with other people. you had an explicit conversation about the fact that you could sleep with other people, something along the lines of, hey, we can see other people right? yeah, we’re not fucking dating. okay, just checking.

the so what, you had already answered for yourself, inner voice replying to your own question, screaming, you guys were exclusive, unknowingly to each other, for 2 whole months before you confessed and he left.

his answer is much different. he says, “so nothing really. i just- i needed you to know that.”

“well, what the fuck do you want me to do with that?” you ask, and it comes out bitter and discouraged, but what you really mean is, please tell me what you want, please, can you just tell me that you missed me.

“whatever you want,” he answers instead.

you take a deep breath, a million emotions coursing through your veins and up your throat. “you know what?” you say, and it doesn’t sound angry, it sounds playful, “no, seriously,” you smile and then you laugh, “fuck you, toji.” you close your mouth like you’re done talking, like that’s all you needed to say, but your heart disagrees, forces more words out into the air no matter how hard your jaw is clenched shut.

“you show up here and you’re an asshole and then you’re decent and then you say shit like that and then- then i ask you what you fucking want from this, what you’re trying to play at here and you tell me whatever i want?” you say, exasperated.

“what i wanted was for you not to leave me three fucking months ago. that��s what i wanted,” you spit, “i wanted you to tell me this shit three fucking months ago before i sat alone, by myself, sad and then angry, and the entire time, fucking missing you, you fucking asshole. that’s what i wanted.”

and then it’s there, out in the open, airing for the two of you to witness and to face, and no matter what happens, you know you’ve done everything and said everything that you’ve needed to. he’s quiet for a few moments and you let him be, not tapping your foot or rolling your eyes or being pissed off, but just letting it play out. if this is the last time you ever see toji, why not just let it play out?

“okay,” he says, and it’s soft in a way you’ve only ever heard from him one time in your entire relationship. “i’m sorry.” he pauses. “i really don’t know how to do this,” he admits and you believe him. it feels different from when he told you something along those lines earlier, but you have a feeling that this is what he was trying to say all along.

“do what?” you push, because your mind is making assumptions, but if he’s going to prove anything to you, he needs to start now.

“ask for forgiveness?” he says, like he’s thinking out loud, “apologize? date someone?” you don’t say anything. you’re looking for something more concrete than that. it takes a handful of uncomfortable seconds before he says, “actually care about someone.”

“and do you?” you ask.

his lips press into a thin line, his eyes shift from left to right again. you can feel him getting antsy with the conversation and he’s barely said one vulnerable thing. you look at him, eyes soft and pleading, silently begging him that if he’s grown from this, you’ll let him back in, you swear, but you’ve been hurt before and you know what you’re worth, so you’re going to need some sort of evidence as collateral. “yeah,” he mumbles, but it’s audible. “you,” he says like it isn’t obvious, and it’s quiet and daunted, but you really appreciate the effort.

“okay,” you say, and that’s all you say.

“okay?” he questions, confused. “that’s it?”

“yup,” you say, but your small smile and the fact that you’re not slamming the door in his face again gives away a bit more than that.

“can i… come in?” he asks, hesitant, like he’s still being tested.

you shake your head, hand gripped onto the edge of the door. “no,” you say, scrunching up your nose and furrowing your eyebrows. “because if you come in here, we’re going to have sex,” you admit, half because it’s the truth and half just to see the look on his face. (it’s worth it.)

“wait,” he says, placing his palm flat against your door, but not moving it. his hand is now inside of your apartment, the only part of his body that’s made it past this invisible barrier of hallway and your place. “that sounds like a great thing. why am i not allowed in?”

“because this is me having self-control,” you explain, placing a hand on his shoulder and pushing the small portion of him that’s crossed the division back into the hallway. when you feel his skin against your pinky, soft fabric of that familiar shirt underneath your palm, you almost make a fool of yourself right after you say the word self-control, but you remind yourself what’s at stake here, what you really want.

“i came all the way out here to see you-,” he starts, but he doesn’t make a move to replace his hand on your door, letting his arm fall back to his side. it’s for the better, too, because you’re not sure how much more self-control you have already, no matter how much you tell yourself about longevity and whatever.

“if you really care,” you interrupt him, using his few vulnerable words against him, “and you weren't just trying to sleep with me tonight,” you pause, letting those words sink in, “you will go home and you will call me tomorrow morning and we will get breakfast- the least sexy meal of them all- and then maybe coffee if i enjoy hanging out with you outside of just having sex with you, and then we will go from there.”

“i-,” he starts to protest, but you cock your head. the truth is, if he said another word, reached out and touched your cheek or your hip or really anywhere on your body, if he kissed you, or just walked inside of your apartment and sat down on your couch, you wouldn’t have stopped him. you might even have gotten breakfast with him anyways. he doesn’t know that, you don’t think, but even if he does, he doesn’t act on it. he bows his head slightly, conceding, and says, “okay. i will just… talk to you… tomorrow… then.”

you nod. “goodnight, toji,” you say, hand on the door, closing it as slowly as you opened it.

“uh, yea, night,” he says back. you won’t tell anyone, and neither will he, about the stupidest small smile you see on his lips as he leaves your apartment that night or the fact that he wakes up extra early the next morning, muttering under his breath about how ridiculous dating is before he calls you at 9:30 on the dot.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ɢᴏᴊᴏ [ 3 ᴡᴇᴇᴋs ]

being away from ɢᴏᴊᴏ feels like detoxing. not from like hard drugs or alcohol, but… coffee.

like you know it’s not necessarily good for you, drinking it every day, but it’s a habit you’ve had for a while now and you just can’t seem to break it. it’s not really hurting anything in your day-to-day and you’ve been doing it for so long that it’s probably fine to just keep doing it.

but out of nowhere it hits you that maybe drinking coffee as much as you do is a waste of money and even if you don’t feel the negative effects constantly in your daily routine, you remind yourself of the times where you could distinctly feel the thump of your heart and the unsteady of your hands. you recall the time that you stayed up all night for the promise of a cup of coffee to get you through the day. in every memory that you’ve ever had in your entire college career, you’re holding a cup of coffee.

so one day you make the choice to stop. you stop buying coffee from coffee shops and pods for your coffee maker and cups from diners and accepting free ones from friends. you don’t really need a good cup of coffee as badly as you think you do. and it’s stupid, you think, because it’s just coffee. it doesn’t mean anything. just because you’ve been drinking it consistently for quite awhile doesn’t mean it has any sort of hold over you. it’s just coffee.

but then the headaches come and the irritation sets in and nights are hard, but for some reason mornings are unbearable, and you feel antsy all the time and you haven’t left your room in the past three days and the only thing you want is a cup of fucking coffee and you can’t relapse with coffee; it’s fucking coffee.

yeah, being away from gojo feels a lot like detoxing from coffee.

you try to just not see him. it’ll be easier for you if you just don’t see him, you tell yourself. you go out of your way to avoid his walking path on campus and you refuse to leave your dorm when you don’t absolutely need to in fear of bumping into him or worse, just seeing him from afar, and god forbid you even come within three streets of the corner where his apartment resides. you block his number and you delete social media off of your phone for the time being, too many mutual friends to make casualties, and you do not let yourself think about him. not falling asleep, not when you wake up, not while you’re doing homework, not in your dreams or in the shower, not when something reminds you of him, not when you see his favorite show on your recently watched, not when you really need a good cup of coffee.

and it works for a while.

but not forever.

three weeks into your detox and you’re doing such a good job at not thinking about gojo that you mix up his monday schedule with his tuesday schedule and on your way back to your dorm, you see him. if you keep walking at the same pace that you’re walking, you will collide with him. if neither of you do anything, one of you will get hurt.

you look down at your phone, hoping, in the forefront of your mind, that he didn’t see it was you. (in the back of your mind, you’re hoping that he’s the one to break the longest bout of silence the two of you have had since you met.) when you sneak a glance, he’s already almost reached you, jogging to catch up with you. “hey,” he calls out, just in case you haven’t seen him.

“hi,” you say, stopping in place and letting him approach you.

“i’ve been trying to get ahold of you,” he offers, like you wouldn’t have known that.

“oh, sorry, haven’t been on my phone,” you lie. he knows that you’re lying. he can tell that you’re lying, so you don’t really know why you lie in the first place. maybe to prove a point. maybe to make him feel bad.

“look, about…,” he trails off, trying to remember how long he’s been without you, “about that… day…,” he opts for instead.

you put your hand up, waving the topic off. you mean to say something like, don’t worry about it, see you later, but it comes out like, “we don’t have to talk about that here.” here. fucking here. if you would’ve left those four letters out, it would’ve been a perfect line to walk away with, but you don’t. your stupid coffee-craving brain tacks it on, hopeful.

“right,” he says, nodding, “should we get coffee maybe, then, or?”

it’s not out of the ordinary, or it didn’t used to be, but now it feels taboo. you want to snap and ask him if he’s sure, because coffee sounds a bit too much like a date for people that aren’t together, but you realize very quickly that the irritation from your coffee detox is maybe a little bit too much to hold in without any closure. “sure,” you agree, “i just got done with class so we cou-.”

“i know,” he says, because three weeks hasn’t erased your schedule from his brain either.

you order an iced tea. you’re still convinced you’re done with coffee for good. he looks surprised at your choice, like he’s never seen you order an iced tea before, because he hasn’t, but he doesn’t say anything. you sip on it throughout unpleasant pleasantries and it’s refreshing, but it’s lacking something. in fact, the longer that you drink this stupid drink that has caffeine anyways and isn’t as good, the irritation bubbles higher and higher until- “can i start?” you ask, tapping your fingers against the table in rhythmic succession.

“yeah, sure,” he says, bringing his coffee to his lips and taking a sip.

“if at any point in this conversation your answer to anything i have to say is that we weren’t together, i don’t think we should have this conversation,” you reason, and you mean it, but his reaction takes you aback. you notice the smallest flinch when you say weren’t.

“i wasn’t-,” he shakes his head, sighing, “no, i wasn’t going to say that.”

“okay,” you say, dragging your fingertips along the condensation on the side of your glass. “then what were you going to say?”

he thinks for a minute, like he didn’t assume that he’d get this far when he brought up the idea of coffee. “i wanted to stop you from leaving,” he says.

“but you didn’t,” you rebuttal.

“i didn’t,” he affirms. it’s quiet again. you can hear the scrape of the cups against the table as they’re picked up, drank from, and put back down. the chatter in the coffee shop drones over the sounds of hesitance and nerves. “i’m sorry,” he says after a while.

“so, do you think we were together?” you ask, “and be honest. i’ll know if you lie.” you search his face as he answers, and the only thing that comes up is another flinch when you talk in past tense again.

“yeah,” he says, honest. “being apart from you these past three weeks has been one of the shittiest things i’ve ever been through.”

“ever?” you ask, quirking your eyebrow, as if it isn’t somewhat true for you too.

he nods in response, continuing, “it’s been hard.” he pauses. “i’m sorry i was so shitty.”

“pretty shitty, yeah,” you agree, but you can’t hide how nice it feels to just talk with him again, to call him shitty and to sit across from him at a coffee shop table. “i’m sorry i ghosted you these past few weeks,” because it deserves to be said too.

“i really missed you,” he says, and he doesn’t hide from it. he looks you directly in your eyes and you can tell that he wants to reach across the table and hold your hand. you want that too.

“me or just, like, sleeping with me?” you ask, somewhat terrified of the answer, scanning his face for the truth once again.

he laughs softly and, try as you might, you can’t stop the fluttering in your stomach or the warmth in your cheeks hearing that for the first time in too long. “please, i haven’t thought about sleeping with you once,” he jokes.

“oh, no? not at all?” you ask, scoffing lightly, a tiny smirk threatening to break.

he forces a thoughtful frown, shakes his head dramatically and says, “can’t say that i have.” you’re laughing now, but through smile-squinted eyes you can still tell that he’s actually being genuine. “not really,” he says.

“so just me then?” you ask to make sure.

“just you,” he affirms. “a lot of just you.” you hum, content with his answer, but he gives you even more than thought he ever could, “i don’t want to just go back to the way things were. i don’t think that’s enough for me anymore.”

even though you’re sure a response like this would’ve sent waves of shock through your entire body, it doesn’t. it just feels right. you reply quickly, “good. i don’t think it’s enough for me either.” you reach across the table. the back of your hand brushes against his, and then past it. you wrap your fingers around the handle of his coffee cup and bring it to your lips.

he doesn’t protest or snatch it away from you or make a snarky comment. he places his chin in the palm of his hand, elbow against the surface of the table, and smiles at you. you take a sip from his mug, warmth spreading through every bit of your body.

why would you deprive yourself of coffee when it brings you so much comfort?

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ʙᴏɴᴜs! ʜɪɢᴜʀᴜᴍᴀ [ ɴ/ᴀ ]

you’re not exactly sure how many times something has to happen before it becomes a theme.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

“do you -huff- want to -huff- have kids someday?” higuruma asks from beneath you, palms resting on the tops of your knees, thumbs massaging up to the insides of your thighs.

you slow your bounces and then you stop them completely. you blink at him once and then twice. “that is a really wild thing to ask while you’re inside of someone,” you scoff, searching his face for any kind of tone indicator. is he being serious? is he just saying something to get a rise out of you? is this a kink thing?

he smirks, placing his hands on your hips, coaxing you to continue your movements, and you do. you lift yourself off of him, slowly at first, but then picking up speed as you chase the feeling you lost when he asked the question. you’re breathless when he asks again, the repeated question no longer stilling you. the second time around it feels almost normal. “do you?” he asks on his exhale.

you shake your head and then tilt it side to side, closing your eyes so all of the conflicting fast paced movements don’t dizzy you. “i- don’t- know-,” you huff, “maybe- conversation- for- a- different- setting.” each word is punctuated by the slap of your thighs against his hips. he nods, completely okay with that answer, and then just drops it.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

“shit,” you say in realization, hips circling, fingers combing through his hair. you pull your head away from his shoulder, pushing yourself up to look him in the eyes. “wait, how did your meeting go today?” you ask, and this time neither of you miss a beat.

when he slows to think about it, you pick up his slack, rolling your hips, feeling the drag of him inside of you, a breathy moan floating up your chest. he answers over your noises, “really good actually.”

“everything as planned?” you ask further, genuinely just as invested in this as you are in the act.

he nods, smiling. “yeah, to a t,” he says, wrapping his arms around your lower back and pulling you against his chest. he kisses the side of your temple, holding you in place with a tight grip as he lifts his hips off of the bed, thrusting into you. “surprised you didn’t ask as soon as i came through the door.”

you shake your head against his shoulder, placing a soft kiss against his collarbone. “was thinking about it all day,” you explain. he fucks into you faster in response and it feels like a reward for caring about the things that are important to him. “but when- shit- when you got home…,” you grunt, “it completely- ah, fuck- completely slipped my- ah- mind, s-sorry.”

“ts alright, pretty.” he nudges his nose against your cheek, peeling your attention to his face. your cheek rests against his shoulder and you blink at him, focus dipping from the topic at hand as you feel that familiar tightening in your core. he can see it written all over your face, so he drops his head to kiss you, silently communicating that you don’t have to worry about finishing the conversation right now. he’ll bring it up again in a bit.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

“should we get married?” he asks, back up against the headboard, looking you directly in your eyes, gaze following yours as you rise and fall.

“you are not proposing to me while i’m riding you,” you say, shaking your head, but you don’t still or slow. conversations like this in a setting like this just don’t phase you anymore. honestly, it wouldn’t surprise you if he did propose right now. you’re not even sure you’d say no.

the corner of his lip tugs upward and he exhales a laugh as he leans forward the smallest bit to kiss you. “i’m not, i’m not,” he assures, “why? would you say no?”

you’re quiet for a minute, not because you don’t know the answer, but to keep him on his toes. you won’t lie to him, you don’t think, but you don’t want to come right out and say it. his questions are rhetorical anyways, half-jokes that he’s not expecting serious answers to; you’ve known higuruma well enough and long enough to be confident of that. you could’ve replied with an eye roll and a scoff and nothing else and he would’ve dropped it. instead, however, you answer, “course not. i’d say yes in a second.”

he nearly comes inside of you right there.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

maybe it becomes a theme when someone points it out.

you can’t tell if it’s intentional or not, the way that the two of you keep having these serious conversations during sex. you know that you don’t do it on purpose; things will just hit you during the repetitive motions and you worry you’ll forget them and you know that higuruma won’t judge you for just saying them, so you do. whether this is the case for him, you’re not sure.

but the interruptions just keep getting more casual. it starts with big conversations: weddings and promotions and thoughtful decisions, and then it’s like you just start remembering things in this position: work drama and mundane did you knows. it’s almost as if starting with big topics just made it seem so easy to talk about anything like this.

it didn’t help, you think, that it’s just always easy to talk about anything with higuruma. you guys have been together, officially together, for over four years now, and conversation, no matter the topic or severity or setting, is something you’ve never struggled with. you continue to not struggle with it, inside of the bedroom and out.

you’re not sure what about the position and the moment makes you so susceptible to remembering little things that you want to tell higuruma when he’s not around, and vice versa. in fact, you’re not even convinced that it’s something about the action that jogs your memory anyway, it’s probably just a really weird and common coincidence.

and then one night you can’t find your keys.

you’ve searched everywhere for them, in your car, in your bag, every nook of your room, the places where they normally are, higuruma’s coat pocket just in case, and then everywhere else in your guys’ apartment. they’re nowhere to be seen.

when higuruma walks through the front door, even from where you’re searching in the kitchen, you hear him let out an elongated, “woah.”

you pop your head into the doorway, “don’t say anything about the mess.” you can see his eyes resting on the overturned couch cushions and then on the various opened drawers. “hey,” you warn, pointing towards him as you walk quickly into the living room. you throw your arms around him tightly and give him a small greeting peck. it’s routine at this point; if you don’t do it your whole night feels off. “i said don’t say anything.”

he lets you hang off of his neck as he puts both hands up in surrender. “i didn’t say shit,” he says, pressing a kiss into the side of your neck, then moving his hands to your waist, “the fuck happened here though?” he laughs against your skin and you can feel the vibrations travel to your fingers and toes.

you pull away from him, shaking your head. now that you’re back in the living room, it’s like you have to start this room’s search over too. you start checking under the couch and in the hall closet. “lost my fucking keys,” you grumble, smoothing your palms over your face, “i swear i’ve looked everywhere. i just can’t remember where i left them when i got home.”

“did you check th-,” he asks, walking into the kitchen, grateful that you’re not in there with him or he knows you’d yell at him for the way his eyes go wide at the clutter and chaos everywhere.

you cut him off, “wherever you’re about to say, probably yes, ughhh. i’ve retraced my steps, i’ve looked in places that are fucking stupid to look in like every pair of shoes we own and in the fucking guest bedroom pillowcases. i’ve looked everywhere.”

from where he’s stood in the kitchen now, he can see you scrambling as you vent. he leans against the wall, “well, not everywhere or you would’ve found it by now.”

“i’ll kill you,” you say, eyes snapping up to meet his to show how serious you are.

he just laughs, “i’ve got a pretty good lawyer, you might not want to do that.”

“good legal can’t help you when you’re dead,” you snap, almost completely joking. he meets you back in the living room, helping you check all the places you’ve already checked.

15 minutes pass and then 35 and then he stops abruptly. “oh my god, i have an idea,” he says, and you look at him, hopeful. “you know when you usually remember things?”

your first reaction is joking annoyance, picking up a throw pillow and sending it his way. he catches it and sets it back down on the couch. “i’m serious!” he yell-laughs.

you throw another pillow at him as your second reaction sets in. “that’s not going to fucking work,” you say.

“how do you know?” he asks.

“because,” you say, trying to come up with a good answer other than just blind doubt, “because i don’t remember things while i’m riding you. it’s not a fucking superpower.”

“you don’t know that,” he jokes back and braces to be hit with another pillow. “okay, okay, but i’m being serious! besides, what’s the worst thing that can happen? you don’t remember and we’ve had sex, how horrible,” he reasons.

you let your arms fall, pillow in your hands resting against the tops of your thighs. you look at him, thinking, which, in hindsight, was a dumb thing to do, because higuruma can see the contemplation on your face.

eight minutes later and he’s inside of you and you’re the most embarrassed you’ve ever been.

“this is so stupid,” you mumble. you haven’t moved an inch after slowly lowering yourself onto him. you’re fully seated against his hips, hands smoothing over your face and then lingering there, covering.

he reaches up, fingers soft and kind as he wraps them around your wrists, pulling them away from your face. “ts not stupid,” he reassures, but you’re not convinced. you groan, turning to look away from him, but that just won’t do. he reaches up again, soft grip on your chin coaxing your gaze back to his. “hey,” he says softly, “just focus here, angel.”

you listen, somewhat, mind still flickering back to why you’re even riding him in the first place. “just enjoy yourself, okay,” he tries again, rolling his hips upwards, pressing himself inside of you as deep as he can. you close your eyes, and it’s quite easy to just focus on the feeling of being as full as you are right now. “good,” he whispers, “just like that.”

it doesn’t take long for you to lose yourself completely, moving on your own, letting the whimpers and whines take over any other thought you might think to say, chasing that feeling rather than worrying about whatever you’ve lost.

it all kinda clicks at once: where your keys are and why you always remember shit when you’re like this.

in the midst of everyday noise, so many things get lost: important and unimportant thoughts alike. but now you’re not worried about anything else. you don’t care about anything else right now. you don’t have to. you don’t want to. and in this state of letting everything go, mindless and blissful, some things slip back through the cracks.

you collapse onto higuruma’s chest, spent and happily aware of this new revelation that you have not, for once, shared in the middle of sex, but kept quiet as a come down surprise. you hum softly as he rubs up and down your back, hum again as he presses a kiss into your forehead. “m sorry it didn’t work, angel,” he murmurs.

you turn your head, ear pressed right against his heart as you gaze up at him. “i left them in the fridge,” you reveal, and he knits his eyebrows together.

you assume that he’s going to say something about how did you leave them in the fridge? or why are they there? but instead he questions, “what? and you didn’t tell me until now?” like you’ve harbored a life long secret. you laugh softly, snaking your hands up and scratching your nails against his scalp, playing with the ends of his hair. “don’t think this is going to get you out of it,” he says, “‘ts my favorite thing when you just blurt shit while you’re on me.”

you can feel the warmth in your cheeks and your chest as you breathe a laugh. “you’ve never told me that before,” you murmur.

“think it’s cute when you just can’t wait to tell me things,” he says, “feels more intimate than being inside of you.”

“ew,” you say, scrunching up your nose, even though you weirdly agree.

he just laughs in response. a few seconds of quiet comfort pass before he backtracks, “wait, why the fuck are your keys in the fridge?”

and you tell him all about it, about the day that you’ve had and how you remembered you hadn’t drank enough water so you were refilling your bottle from the pitcher in the fridge as soon as you got home from work, but your hands were full so you set your keys on top of the leftovers from yesterday, but then you had to go and set everything down and the fridge closed and by the time you left the kitchen you remembered you needed to do something else… and it just keeps going.

you tell him as you’re taking a shower and as you’re eating dinner together and as he’s brushing his teeth and you’re washing your face and laying in bed and setting your alarms. every room in the house is a mess, but you’ll deal with that later, you decide. you rest your chin on his shoulder. “and how was your day?” you ask, even though the clock reads much later than it should for how much sleep you both should get before you’re up early for work tomorrow.

nevermind that, he decides, and tells you all about it anyways.

ᯓᡣ𐭩 ʙᴏɴᴜs! ɴᴀɴᴀᴍɪ [ ɴ/ᴀ ]

“can i ask you something and when i ask you, you’ll know i don’t mean anything bad by it at all because i love you more than everything in the world?” you ask, putting down your phone only after you’ve finished your sentence.

you wait a few seconds for nanami to take in what you’ve asked. he reaches over to the night stand for his bookmark and sticks it between the pages. he shuts it with an audible shuffling of paper and a sharp thump.

nanami has been with you long enough to not typically be surprised by your out of the blue… questions. (dronings? is there a word like droning but the connotation is more positive? like you talk at him a lot and he loves to hear the ramblings in your brain, but sometimes he is just trying to read his book before bed. whatever that word is.)

he places the book on his lap and then turns his chest towards you completely. you now have his full attention. “is that a yes?” you ask.

he inhales deeply, “if i say no, will you still ask it?”

you think on the answer to that question, really mulling it over before shaking your head. “no, i don’t think so.”

“then yes,” he smirks, “i suppose i have to say yes then.”

“great,” you say, tossing your phone onto your bedside table with a clunk. you sit up straighter, rocking forward to fully adjust your position on your side of the bed. you put your hand on his thigh and cross your legs, letting your knee rest on the side of his comforter covered hip. “do you ever regret not dating more?”

it definitely takes him by surprise. he thought you might drop another weirdly specific hypothetical about would he love you if… or request a glass of water even though you already told him tonight when he was getting into bed and he asked if you wanted one, that you did not.

now he’s the one mulling over your question and despite how nerve wracking it could be to wait for an answer to a what if that involves not you, you’re not anxious in the slightest. you’re quiet, just waiting for his answer, and when he finally speaks, you know exactly why you weren’t scared in the first place, “i’ve honestly never thought about it since i met you.”

“really?” you ask, and you’re mostly feeling very lucky that nanami is yours and you are his, but there is an underlying feeling of guilt that he’s unintentionally caused with this statement.

he nods. “sounds like you have though,” he says, and it’s not even a little bit judgmental. it sounds like he’s imploring you to keep talking, like he wants to hear exactly what you’re thinking, why you brought it up in the first place.

“i wouldn’t trade this security, this love, exactly what we have, you for anything in the world,” you start to explain, and it’s nothing but the truth, “but sometimes i just think about that first night when we were in that bar. the flirting, the risks, that feeling of not knowing where the night is going to end up. sometimes i think about that a little bit.”

he hums, thinking about that night, and after a few seconds of silence, he speaks up again, “first date nerves,” he nods, “now that i think about it, i miss those.”

you cock your head at him. that’s a weird part of dating to miss, you think, but then he explains further, “like when we went out on our first date and i didn’t know what you were going to wear or if you liked the restaurant i picked or if you’d let me pay for your food.”

“or if i’d take you back to mine,” you joke, raising your eyebrows at him, but really you’re burning inside. your cheeks feel warm just hearing about these feelings he’s never mentioned to you before.

“yeah, that too,” he laughs, getting back on track, “like, i’m still finding out new things about you all the time, but back then i was discovering who you were every second we were together, and that- that felt like…”

“like finding out soulmates were real?” you ask, because that’s what it felt like to you, that same exact phenomenon he’s describing. he smiles at you warmly, like you’ve just put to words what he felt he could only experience. “i know what you mean,” you smile.

he leans forward, cupping your cheek with his hand and guiding you towards him. he kisses you softly, placing his other hand on your other cheek and kissing you harder. “should we go on a first date again?” he asks against your lips, barely pulling away to speak.

you laugh, but when you pull away, you can tell he’s not joking. “what?” you ask, “what do you mean?” you’re already blushing though, already feeling the exact first date nerves he was just talking about.

“let’s go on a first date,” he repeats himself. “i’ll pick you up at your front door and i’ll choose the restaurant and it’ll be a surprise and i’ll ask you questions that i’d ask you on a first date even if i know the answers to all of them and more at this point.”

you’re smiling so big that your cheeks are sore as you nod fervently at the concept. “okay, yeah,” you agree.

“right, so we probably shouldn’t kiss or make out or sleep with each other until then to really play into the whole thing?” he teases, and you roll your eyes in response.

“you’re very funny, kento,” you say, leaning in, brushing your nose against his. he doesn’t even last a second, closing the gap with a small peck and then another and then another and then a much longer one and then he’s putting the book on his nightstand so he can pull you into his lap.

ᡣ𐭩 •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

you get a text 5 minutes before 7 that nanami is going to be 3 minutes late picking you up. the text looks a little weird underneath a thread of:

>> nami <3 >> how’s work baby

<< read << if you love me you’ll come and pull the fire alarm to get me out of here early :) :) :)

>> nami <3 >> fine but that’s a class four felony in some cases. will you be providing legal assistance or should i look elsewhere????

<< read << how do u know that?? nerd!!!

>> nami <3 >> google tbh.

<< read << wow. first i have to stay at work all day alone and sad and now i get to know my bf isn’t sexy and off the dome smart about everything. :(

>> nami <3 >> goodbye.

<< read << :(

>> nami <3 >> i love you

<< read << :)

you bite back the urge to reply with something you’d say to him after knowing him for years. rereading the text and thinking back to your first date, it makes you giggle. actually, it makes you kinda nervous. you text back a polite no worries! take your time! and he replies with a heart and you truly feel like you’re dating for the first time again. you feel honest to god giddy.

arriving to the restaurant, you are genuinely surprised. you thought after knowing him as long as you have and having gone to as many restaurants with him as you have, you’d go back to somewhere nice you’ve already been. but that isn’t the case.

he drives you to a pop-up restaurant 20 minutes out of town that you’ve never even heard of, but is the cutest place you’ve ever been, and the entire time he can’t stop sneaking respectful glances at you. he won’t stop telling you how nice you look. he even apologizes for it by the sixth time, pushing your chair in at the restaurant saying, “i know i keep mentioning it, and i’m sorry, but if i said it every time i thought it, it’d be a never ending string.”

if he keeps this up, you’re going to feel like you’re cheating. this seriously feels like a first date, like you’ve been in a relationship for over 5 years and you’re also going on a first date and it’s really messing with your head, but you never want it to stop.

he stays true to his word, asking you questions he already knows the answers to, but hearing them again, they sound brand new. he doesn’t know if he’s just forgotten some of them or if the testaments of time have weathered your answers just enough to sound unfamiliar, but either way, he’s hanging on to every word.

by the end of the night, you’ve truly convinced yourself that there are stakes to this date, like if you play your cards wrong, you won’t get to keep seeing this incredible guy. he pays the whole bill, even though you insist on getting your meal or at the very least dessert. he says, “you can try next time too.” and you can’t breathe, you feel so lucky.

“i’m sorry if this seems forward, but i’d really like to keep seeing you tonight,” you say as the waiter takes away the paid bill, and your heart is thumping so violently against your chest, you swear he can feel it too.

he shakes his head, “perfectly forward,” he smiles, “your place or mine?” you break character for the first time tonight, giggling at the reality of the question, hiding behind your hand as you do. “what’s so funny?” he asks, but he’s grinning just as big as you are.

“just thinking about how dreary my life would be if i hadn’t gone on this first date,” you say, and it’s a little too meta, but he’ll let it slide, because he’s a bit flustered at the sentiment. “mine is great,” you answer, placing your hand on his, rubbing the tips of your fingers against his knuckles.

everything about the rest of the night feels like a first too. it feels like your first kiss in front of your front door. it feels like he’s seeing “your” apartment for the first time. it feels like you’re making out on your couch for the first time.

it feels like the first time he’s ever been inside of you.

when he pushes deeper into you, eyes on yours shut tight, you tell yourself that you want to pretend you’re on a first date every single day of your life. you can’t stop whimpering, pleading for him to never stop fucking you ever, please don’t stop, please never fucking stop.

you break character for the second time when you’re right on the edge. he keeps looking down at you with so much love in his eyes and his hands all over you feel like they know every inch of you, and you can’t stop yourself. you grab his face in your hands, “kento, baby, please, ‘m gonna- ‘m sorry, i- fuck, please. i love you, fuck,” you whine, and he can’t stop himself either, hips stuttering, head falling against your shoulder as he feels you clenching around him as he empties himself inside of you, murmuring how much he loves you right back.

the way you’ve been feeling all night: blissful and coy, it’s not because it’s a first date, it’s because he’s nanami. it’s because he’s orchestrated the entire night and no matter how “new” everything feels, the underlying foundation of that newness, and the reason everything feels so good, is familiarity and safety.

“i’m sorry that i-,” you breathe, but he stops you, reaching his hand up to drag his fingertips against your lips, and you laugh, pressing a soft kiss into them. “okay, okay,” you say, and he places his hand back down by his side. “done with the first date stuff, just want to be yours again,” you murmur.

he scoffs, light, and you can hear his smile in it. he falls over onto his back, pulling you into his chest and kissing the top of your head. “never weren’t,” he mumbles against your hair. “always will be,” he mumbles again, holding you tighter.

“good,” you say back, settling into his arms like that’s the only thing you know to be true in the entire world. you wouldn’t trade that truth for a million first dates.

sure, holding your breath at quick witted flirts and stolen glances is nice, but it’s a lot nicer just knowing that you will never be loved better and you will never love harder.

♡ ʀᴇʙʟᴏɢs ᴀɴᴅ ɪɴᴛᴇʀᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴs ᴍᴇᴀɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴏʀʟᴅ ♡ no bc the yelling really worked very well idk yell at me more to write a continuation for toji (maybe also gojo bc hes the only one i havent written even an inkling of smut for) idk i'm just thinking of so many scenes idk throw hcs at me in my inbox IDK! toji dating for the first time? got me fucked UP

ᡣ𐭩 ᴛᴀɢs ᡣ𐭩 @igocrazyeveryday @vernasce-blogs @minty86 @abrielletargaryen @pompompompompompompom @mysticrays @lilolpotato @thisisew @pnkoo @optimisticsandwichgladiator @ryumurin @cisseadven @multi-fandom-fanfic @noosayog @anxious-chick @mintleafwrites @(tried to tag some other folks but couldnt!!)

#jjk x reader #jjk smut #toji x reader #gojo x reader #geto x reader #geto smut #toji smut #gojo smut #nanami x reader #nanami smut #higuruma x reader #higuruma x reader smut #higuruma smut #nanami x reader smut #jjk x reader smut #actually not really tbh theres no smut in tojis or gojos cant even lie #toriwritesshit

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mariatesstruther · 1 year ago

Note

I honestly don't get why Maria was so anti-Joel oh he's a horrible person he's done horrible things he can't be around us, but accepted Tommy fully to the point he's the father of her child when both did the same things, ran with the same people and all of that.

I mean I love the character, but that confuses the hell out of me. Why's Tommy accepted but Joel damned?

okay, so… this response took me like half hour to write. my wrists hurt, my jaw is clenched, my brain is hot. i love u anon thank u very much for this chance to vent about just why my girl maria has been so misunderstood. let’s go

i personally think this is where many people fundamentally misunderstand maria’s perception of joel. she’s not cautious of him primarily because of tommy or anything tommy has said, in my personal opinion—she’s cautious of him for and because of ellie

ive said this on my blog a few times and i think so have @steeb-stn and @clickergossip (and maybe @liveandletcry23 and @bumblepony i have a shit memory so tagging just in case) so im gonna tag them to credit their words and ideas about maria as well, but the FIRST time maria sees joel, he’s with this rando twelve year old girl who he is seemingly so protective over that she cant even be sniffed by dogs who are just trying to detect infection, which would be good for ANYBODY. that’s his first strike for untrustworthyness, because why the fuck wouldn’t he let this girl be tested???—we know why, of course, but maria doesnt. shes working on the very limited info about joel/ellie’s relationship that she has from just her own observations, and i think we need to remember that as we go through analyzing why she moves how she moves

shes knows from tommy at this point is that joel had a daughter, but it is definitely not this little girl. so why the fuck are they so close. what have they gone through. are they okay. is ellie okay. is their relationship safe for her??? THAT’s what she’s thinking about, in my opinion, while shes staring joel down at that dinner table. she’s reasonbly suspicious, and i can’t blame her for it.

i had to cut this it’s literally maybe my longest post ever so. heres the cut

ALSO, it’s not like she’s a straight up bitch to joel like some of y’all seem to make it out to be??? she never says or implies that “they can’t be around” or anything like that. she offers them clothes and food and supplies. she sets them up in a house. before dinner, she gives them a personal tour (which, to be fair, she did because she was probably trying to keep an eye on them and figure out more about whether or not ellie is safe, but who wouldnt???? i know tess would! and yall would love her for it!). tommy literally says to joel before they leave that there will always be a place for him and ellie in jackson—you cannot tell me you believe he said so without already have maria’s green light for joel and ellie to stay

ALSO, i wanna consider some other things that i haven’t seen many ppl talk about. on that walk she takes with tommy and joel and ellie, she makes it sound like tommy has been with them for at least years AND she maintains the confidence to say that residents in jackson stay off the radio—i could totally be wrong, but it seems to me from the look tommy and joel share right after that it’s obvious tommy has been talking to joel BEHIND MARIA’S BACK???? did no one else catch that??? am i misinterpreting big time??? id assume because theyre married and from the way tommy talks about jackson that he’s been in jackson for at least 3 years maybe, and we know that he only stopped radioing joel a couple months before the show’s main plotline starts, so timeline wise there had to be some overlap of tommy still radioing joel from/around jackson. idk if anyone of my mutuals has thoughts on this but i personally think it’s important to point out, because it establishes that maria likely doesn’t know or think tommy and joel kept in contact, at least not as recently as up to some months ago. she knows that tommy and joel are close, but at the same time, she doesn’t think tommy really knows or talks to joel anymore, either. so how is she supposed to extend him any trust as tommy’s brother????? how and why would she give this man any benefit of the doubt???? it wouldn’t make any sense. she’s more practical and discerning than she is naive and kind, and y’all can think what y’al want about that but i love her for it. it’s very necessary for a woman like her to be the way she is

okay, so back to your question. back to why joel is “damned” and tommy is “accepted.” let’s talk about joel for a sec

y’all like to babygirl and idolize the absolute fuck out of this man

we know that not only was he a smuggler, but he killed and tricked and took advantage of people, shamelessly and brutally. we know that tommy did so too. maria knows that tommy has done the same things. maria also knows that tommy left that life because he couldnt do it anymore, and joel continued because he could

point blank period!!!!! yall can argue with me all u want but tommy left that murder life and joel did not. im not saying this makes either brother good or bad or better than the other, i love joel sm and i think both of them have an undisputed capability to do unspeakable things in order to survive. but tommy got to a point where he hit a limit, whereas joel doesn’t seem to have one. this is at least my personal interpretation of their conversations in the game and the show

tommy DID join the fireflies, which we all know now is not any fucking better than whatever the fuck joel was doing—the difference is the reasoning, though, and considering tlou is all about reasoning and the why, we need to consider the reasoning behind tommy’s decision: he wanted to do something better, something good, something he thought had a purpose. we all know now that the fireflies are bullshit, their purpose is bullshit, and they’re willingness to kill a child for the sake of the “cure” is it’s own entire paradox of bullshit. but they were a rebel organization fighting fedra, who fucking suck, and probably had somewhat of a better reputation back when tommy was interested in joining—or maybe they didn’t, to be fair, i don’t know! the point is, tommy went to them seeking some sort of better purpose, some type of redeption; in joel’s own fucking words, “tommy’s what we used to call a joiner. had dreams of becoming a hero... wants to save the world.”

tommy is idealistic. he’s romantic. he’s optimistic, almost to the point of being fucking naive. thats why he enlisted in the army, thats why he enlisted in the fireflies—he wanted to feel good about himself and the world he was living in. he needed it to have some light at the end of the tunnel for all the bullshit to make sense. and yeah, he was wrong both times in joining up. we know that, joel knew that while it was happening, and tommy knows that in retrospect, too. i think jackson is the first place he really found true, real purpose—not the kind that is propagandized to you and goes up in smoke, but the kind that is well and truly earned. that’s why he is so loyal to jackson and to maria—they finally gave him was he desperately spent his life searching for

and im just saying, from maria’s perspective, she’s someone who lives for purpose. she lives for jackson and for it’s people and for it’s future, and she has to maintain some sense of idealism in the face of all that fucking ugliness to be able to mentally live im and run a place like jackson, to believe that it’ll work. i think that idealism she has, she sees reflected in tommy’s desperation to be a better person who’s fighting for a better life. she sees that need for redemption and goodness in him, that need for things to be fucking worth it, and hears she hears it in his story. she gets to relate to him with this in a way she doesnt GET TO RELATE with joel YET (we STILL HAVE TIME PEOPLE. WE HOLDIN OUT STRONG FOR THE JOEL AND MARIA BEST FRIEND AGENDA)

but to continue, THEN maria spends YEARS with tommy, getting to know him, getting to know his guilt. just like tess with joel, she’s sees the worst and the best of him and gets to fall in love with all of it. so of course there’s gonna be a bit of a bias and a blindspot, towards him—just like any of are other characters have weak spots for the people THEY fucking love

so that’s i guess why i think tommy is “accepted” by her, i guess, and there’s honestly way more them and their romance that i could make a whole separate post about but i’ll leave it there for now. back to joel and why he’s “damned,” which i don’t think he is

again, from what maria knows, he made an active CHOICE to stay in the lifestyle of smuggling and murdering and QZ bullshit, even after tommy chose to leave—and idk what y’all imagine joel and tess to be doing in those many years on their own, but it’s not fuckin picking flowers, for me. they’re dangerous, dangerous people—more dangerous that fedra, and more dangerous than the fireflies, if we’re being fucking real about it. and we LOVE tess and joel for this, or at least i do

but jackson is not a place where people get by with smuggling or backstreet deals or threats. it’s not supposed to be that place. we all LOVE jackson in fics and hcs and aus because it’s literally a place where joel and ellie finally get to breathe and not worry about their safety/survival first. and you know who keeps jackson that way????? MARIA. AND HE BEING FUCKING PICKING ABOUT WHO JACKSON LETS THE FUCK INSIDE

so yall just expect her to by YIPPY SKIPPY when joel, THE JOEL THE SUPER SMUGGLER MURDER COWBOY, strolls into town????? WITHOUT TESS, WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MORE PERSONABLE AND REASONABLE ONE???? what????? she’d be crazy not to at least try to be a little intimidating, to make it clear to joel that he will not get away with any of that qz bullshit here. she’d be naive not to, and maria is anything but naive

and i know most people don’t like her for that “a bad reputation doesn’t mean you’re bad” “not always, at least” line, but i actually think it really fits so well in establishing that she’s not afraid of joel, not afraid of challenging him or making him own up to things he’s done. it’s just so so cool to me, i just can’t hate her for that????? she’s establishing with him that she knows what tommy knows about his time in the QZ, and she’s letting him know if that joel shows up here in jackson, there will be fucking problems for him. which i think is a completely fair warning????

so let’s continue. let’s talk about The Scene, the one with her and ellie, the one with the “tommy was following joel” line. ONE thing i’d like to point out about this scene—MARIA IS THE ONE TO TELL ELLIE ABOUT SARAH, NOT JOEL. AND THAT IS A BIG BIG BIG REASON FOR WHY SHE WARNS ELLIE NOT TO TRUST JOEL COMPLETELY

we know what joel and ellie have gone through, at this point, but maria has barely any idea. she sees that ellie has this fierce protectiveness and lots of secrets when it comes to her and joel, which like—can we all be fucking objective here for a second. this can SO easily and SO reasonably be interpreted as something sketchy going on between joel and ellie that maria should be concerned about.

(slight tw about older men-younger woman relationships bc im gonna be personal for a sec, its quick) we don’t know maria’s past or what she has seen or been through, but personally as someone who has been in a situation where an older man has taken advantage of my naivety in the past, i am now extremely hyper vigilant when it comes to young girls around older men in my personal life today. ellie and joel’s situation and how it looks would raise MJAOR red flags for me personally, if i was in maria’s position. that’s just a personal perspective have that really affects the way i view this scene (end tw)

and so maria finds out that joel has kept the fact that HE HAD A WHOLE ASS DAUGHTER from ellie?????? WOULD THAT NOT BE SUS AT ALL TO YALL???? i mean we know why joel doesn’t tell ellie, as gameplayers and watchers of the show, but again. maria is operating on the info she has right in front of her, which is that joel has been omitting maybe the biggest fact of his life from this young girl who is willing to defend and trust him with her entire life, even after she finds out she’s being lied to. this is alarming

so at this point, she’s questioning joel’s intentions with ellie, and in my opinion, it’s not at all unreasonable for her to do so. she then continues to press, because the red flags are flying and she wants ellie to be crystal clear on the kind of man she’s traveling with (“there are CLEARLY things you don’t know about joel” — “so then you understand my concerns”)

AND THEN ELLIE. BLESSED SMART AMAZING ELLIE COMES IN WITH THE DEFENSE—“and tommy did it too, are you worried about him?”—which like, i love this line. i love this moment. i think because i go so hard for maria a lot of y’all think i’m blind to when ellie is making points, but i 100% cheered her on when i first watched this scene, like i’m sure y’all did—because it’s true! it’s fair! if maria is going to judge joel for those things, she needs to extend the same judgement to tommy

the thing is, it’s still fucking true that, as i said earlier, tommy left that life. both the smuggling, and the fireflies—he chose to stop, while joel didn’t—he was smuggling literally up until the day him and tess found ellie, so. there’s that. she continues to judge joel and not tommy because she knows for sure that tommy has changed. she doesn’t know joel enough yet to see that he has changed, too

so then, the dreaded line: “tommy was following joel.” let’s talk about it.

i don’t love this line either, tbh! i think it’s a weak defense on maria’s part, and a weak line on the tlou hbo writers part—probably my least favorite line of maria’s overall. but i do get why she says it, and i kind of think i get the purpose??? i think????

it reminds me a lot of joel’s line, earlier, about tommy being a “joiner,” and i think it’s funny that, as opposite as joel and maria like to think they both are to each other, the way they describe tommy is pretty much the same. tommy is a “joiner” to joel and a “follower” to maria, and in all respects they both love and hate him for it. idk where i’m going with that exactly, just something interesting to think about in terms of the joel and maria best friend agenda

but i also think this line get’s taken out of context a lot, because the full line is “tommy was following joel, the way you are now.” maria says this line to lead into her main point, the really fucking important line in this scene: “be careful who you put your faith in. the only ones who can betray us, are the one’s we trust.”

WHICH IS TRUE. IT IS THE POINT. AND WHEN JOEL LIES TO ELLIE, HIDES SOMETHING FROM HER YET AGAIN at the end of the season/game, IT BECOMES A THEMATIC CLIMAX POINT THAT CONNECTS BOTH OF THE GAMES

maria is not saying this to “damn” joel—and i personally don’t think she is “damning” joel in the way you imply here, as there’s definitely potential for them to develop a relationship in s2 once she has more information about the truth of how he thinks of ellie. i think she’s warning ellie not to trust joel, because she doesn’t trust joel, at the end of the fucking day—and that’s about it. she trusts tommy in a way that she can’t quite trust joel yet, and why would she, at this point? it would make no sense for her to

so y’all can blame her and hate her for her distrust all you guys want (btw not necessarily talking to you, anon, ive just gotten some very nasty asks about maria from others so im talking to them rn!!!!!!!), but i’m sorry—you can’t tell me that it doesn’t at least make sense. she’s MARIA. she’s MADE OF SENSE

#WHEW #DO MY THUMBS HURT #i cant even be bothered to tag this fr #maria miller #asked and answered #joel and maria best friend agenda #tommy miller #joel miller #tess servopoulos

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m3yme · 2 years ago

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- the first time you told me your name

Pairing: soobin x fm reader

Genre: angst, break-up, lost feelings

Warnings: angsty, break-up

Summary: you and soobin had been in a relationship for a while, but recently you’ve started to drift apart. While spending what is probably the last hour as a couple you can’t help to reminisce about old times.

Note: hi <3 first of all this is a repost cause all of the text wasn’t included in the last one for some reason. Nonetheless here is my second try at posting it. This is my second writing so I’m still in the stage of trying to write decent things. Hope that it’s somewhat ok. Anyway thank you for reading and for those of you who like my posts.

“it sure is raining alot isn't it?” you say looking out the window of the cafe you were currently sitting in. “Yn I really have to go,” soobin said, pulling you out of your daze. You and Soobin had started drifting away from each other recently. It had started off from you both being busy with your separate lives, missing a few dates here and there. It was all just small things until it developed to you only seeing each other once a month or so. Him and you both knew that you were bound to break up, but both being too scared to actually pull the trigger until today, when soobin had asked you to meet up in a cafe. You knew by the sound of his voice that this would be it. The final moment of your relationship. To be frank you still had feelings for him, but seeing him avoid you as much as he did made you understand that the feelings weren’t mutual anymore. “Can we just stay for one hour please. I haven't seen you in a month so I want at least an hour before you know..” You said mumbling the last part. Soobin looked at you and sighed “I really don't think that's a good idea.” he answered, while starting to gather his things. “Please soobin.” You pleaded eyes starting to get glossy. He stopped what he was doing and nodded toward you. Your fingers started to toy with the matching couple ring you had on. The one he had gifted you on your one year anniversary. Soobin saw what you were doing and hid his hands in the pockets of his sweater, making you smile sadly. You noticed a while ago that he had stopped wearing his but you didn’t want to question it. Although you wondered what had made him take it off. You both stayed in silence for a while before you decided to speak up. “I wish we could go back to the first time you told me your name”.

It was the first year of college and although you consider yourself an outgoing person, being in such a new environment made you really nervous. The campus was ten times the size of your old high school, and to top it off none of your old friends were attending it. You had decided to come to school an hour early to try to find your classroom. Still, here you were 15 min before your first lecture, looking at a paper map puzzled. As if you weren’t already having a hard time you soon found yourself on the ground, having fallen from looking at your map and not noticing your surroundings. Before you could start getting up you felt a pair of gentle hands on your shoulders slowly guiding you up. “You should watch your surroundings more, so that you don’t hurt yourself.” You heard a soft voice say. Embarrassed, you uttered a few apologies while turning around to see who it was. A tall blonde haired boy towered you. “Why are you sorry, you haven’t done anything wrong.” He said while chuckling. As if you had lost the ability to speak, you were frozen. This made him smile softly as he picked up your map from the ground. “Are you having a hard time finding your classroom?” He asked, handing you the map. “Yeah kinda, this campus is huge.” You answered, still a bit shaken from the whole ordeal. “Well I’m a second year, so I know my way around here. I could show you to your classroom if you would like.” He said, still flashing you his charming smile. “I would like that a lot.” You said, finally having gathered up a little courage. You walked with him to your classroom, both of you sharing small talk here and there. You were surprised at how comfortable it felt.

“We’re getting close, but first do you mind if we sit down here for a minute.” He gestured towards a bench. When you both had sat down, he started to look for something in his bag, while you dageled your legs patiently waiting. Before you knew it, he was kneeling on the ground applying a band aid to a scrape you had gotten on your knee. Probably from falling previously. “It’s not good to let a pretty girl walk around with a scrape now is it?” He nonchalantly said. You couldn’t keep yourself from blushing while uttering a shy thank you, which made him look up at you smiling. He then gave you his hand to get up and you continued to walk to your classroom. When you arrived at the door he handed you an extra bandaid which he said you should keep just in case. Sad that it was time to part a pout that had been plastered on your face. This made him laugh while bidding you goodbye. After he had walked a few steps you wondered if you would ever see him around campus again, which you really hoped. Before you could finish your thought, he turned around to say “I’m Soobin by the way, you should give me a call later so I can be your tour guide around campus” while pointing at the band-aid in your hand. You looked down at it to see a number written down. Next to it was his name. “Soobin” you whispered to yourself, thinking about how well it rolled off your tongue.

#txt au #txt smau #txt x reader #txt imagines #txt fake text #txt ff #txt soobin ff #txt post #txt angst #txt reader #soobin angst #soobin #soobin fanfic #soobin au #soobin x reader #soobin ff #soobin imagines #txt soobin

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proseinborderland · 2 years ago

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The Prescription

Chishiya x Reader

Description: Anon request regarding how Chishiya would react to finding out you have epilepsy.

Warnings: out-ed medical condition, closeted surgeon

♦ . ♣ . ♥ . ♠ . ♦ . ♣ . ♥ . ♠

The Prescription

You walk into your room to see Chishiya sitting in the chair by your desk, slowly turning a white medication bottle in his hands repetitively, as though he were reading and re-reading the script over and over again.

You wanted to be angry with him, but you figured he would find out eventually, it just wasn't a topic you liked talking about with people even before waking up in The Borderlands.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asks almost too calmly, as though he's holding something back, but you're too taken off guard with his question to concern yourself with whatever it was this mysterious man was keeping inside.

You sigh and take a seat on the end of the bed, facing him. "I didn't… know how." I replied anxiously.

The truth was you didn't know how to tell a man you're extremely attracted to - both mentally and physically something that could potentially cause others harm during a game if they tried to assist you - and though you allow him to keep you at arm's length, it's mostly because you just want to be near him.

Chishiya made you feel supported, protected, and even occasionally, desired. There were feelings you held close. You most definitely felt as though you both needed and wanted him in this new world, but his uptight, apathetic demeanor also came with what seemed an impenetrable suit of armor to his soul.

Your eyes meet, his brow furrows, and in a cold tone, he replies “mmmm, I don’t know, how about: I have epilepsy and I’ve been keeping it from everyone this entire time!?”

“I didn’t want to bother anyone with it.”

“No, you were too afraid of how the others would react.” He retorted.

“That too.” You reply timidly.

“Well, the good thing is that Keppra shouldn’t be too hard to find.”

Chishiya put the bottle back inside the desk drawer he’d found it in. “I was looking for a good pen.” he replied to the unasked question on your face before taking a seat next to you on the bed, causing the butterflies in your stomach to flutter at top speed and surge of vulnerability shot through you.

You both hesitantly turn to face one another.

“So, are you mad at me?” you ask dreadfully, as tears pooled in your eyes.

Chishiya reached out and placed his hand over my forearm, his face looked burdensome in his own deserted, yet oddly comforting way.

“You can’t escape epilepsy.” He said, matter-of-factly.

“I know that.”

“When was your last one?” He questioned. “You know you’re going to need to be extra careful during the games.”

“3 months ago. I manage it well, so you don’t have to worry, ok?! I know how careful I need to be! I am and I also know how risky this all is Chishiya! Do you think I want to be a burden to anyone?” you asked, trying not to sound too emotional.

“Don’t think like that, I told you we should be able to find the Keppra easily...”

His hand squeezed my arm lightly. “We’ll get through this. I know where Hatter’s medical supplies are stashed. I can get some of the other medications and vitamins you need as well. '' Chishiya said, sliding his hand back into his pockets and stood from my bed, before looking down at me. “You should also start getting used to me checking-in on you more frequently now.”

“I do not need a nurse, Chishiya!” “No, you don’t.” He laughed, “Unfortunately, you need me.”

Then, within a blink of an eye, he had opened my door, and was taking his leave.

♦ . ♣ . ♥ . ♠ . ♦ . ♣ . ♥ . ♠

→ Link to my AO3

✨Huge thanks to my lovely mutuals! @chishiyashoodie @boohbear19 @sweetflanfiction @brdpch ✨

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xavigav · 11 months ago

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Making My Own Tumblr Year In Review

So tumblr is not doing the individual years in review for 2023 like they did the last couple of years :(

This is the first year I’ve really been active on Tumblr and used it as my primary social media, so I was really sad to hear that. But then I decided…why not do it myself?

I posted 1837 times in 2023. That’s 5 times per day.

1748 (95%) of my posts were reblogs, and 89 (5%) of my posts were original.

Blogs I think I reblogged the most? Not in order.

@yipeewahoo

@hoodie-sys

@94erz

@namchyoon

@heybaetae

These are just based on me cmd-f'ing my blog using the names of blogs I remember reblogging a lot. It's probably wrong.

My top 15 most used tags (not 5 because i love tagging and want to show more):

#bts - 1045 posts (yeah obviously)

#bts pics - 803 posts (yeah obviously x2)

#queue attack my heart - 691 posts

#memery - 312 posts

#namjoon - 308 posts (i am so mentally ill)

#hoseok - 167 posts

#jungkook - 166 posts

#seokjin - 138 posts

#jimin - 138 posts (i wrote down seokjin's tag first so i put it higher)

#yoongi - 119 posts

#fic & writing - 108 posts

#taehyung - 103 posts

#bts birthdays - 99 posts

#serious posts - 92 posts

#namjoonposting - 59 posts (my favorite tag)

By the way this was so fucking annoying to do. The archive does not show how many posts you have in a certain tag. For every month I counted the amount of rows in a tag, multiplied it by 8, and added in any rows that didn't quite get up to 8. Then I added all those months together. I had to do that for every tag. Tumblr why is there no easy way to see the number of posts in a tag.

My top 5 posts of 2023:

5. Luffy Tab - 20 notes

Still can't believe we just. got a luffy tab. i just woke up and had a luffy tab

4. BTS Post Search - 27 notes

As it turned out. the poster changed their name to something else so that's why i couldn't find the post from tumblr user soupmoths -- they were an entirely different person. oopsie

Also I ended up being able to reblog it! Someone tagged me!

3. 3D Rant - 32 notes

This post got me my first hate reblog <3

In case anyone is wondering. I still agree with everything I said here.

2. Porn - 99 notes

Not doing the big link preview for this one since that on its own is kinda nsfw. Minors don’t click that link.

But yeah. That makes sense.

Even though there’s only 5 reblogs people find it semi-frequently (especially the past few days, no idea why), so I guess it’s spreading somehow? Which makes me happy :)

The Reddit Post - 2.1k notes

Obviously that was going to be it lol, over 20 times the amount of notes than anything else. My notifications were Dying.

Also, this stuff wasn’t in the actual Year in Review(s), but I’m adding them in for fun.

I liked 21k posts in 2023.

I followed 426 blogs in 2023 (not including the accounts I unfollowed).

I gained 69 followers in 2023 (excluding porn bots and regular bots). Nice.

I started 4 blogs on this account, 1 main blog and 3 side blogs.

I gained 15 mutuals in 2023 <3

All this data was as of December 18th, 2023.

#xavi.txt #tumblr year in review #year in review #diy year in review #tumblr year in review 2023 #year in review 2023

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honeyymistt · 1 year ago

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hi honey! it’s so good to see you again 🫶🏻

i have a bit of a situation and I’d love any words of wisdom from you if you’re willing.

so two years ago, I met someone and quickly developed a crush on her. a few months after we met, I confessed to her and she said that she didn’t think she had feelings for me and that she would like to remain friends. I was totally fine with that, so the next year was fine. she went abroad for school the year later.

now she’s back and we are co-running a dance club at school together so we are spending a lot of time working together. we have a bunch of mutual friends now so every so often she comes over to my apartment since she’s friends with all of my roommates too. we eat meals together and talk a lot and we make each other laugh.

long story (relatively) short, my feelings for her have returned and multiplied by like a million. I say “returned” like they left but I’m not sure if they ever did honestly. anyway I feel like confessing to her again wouldn’t be the best move, but I feel like, in both the best and worst possible way, I’m going to EXPLODE!!! I’ve been thinking about so many things lately and how me and her are running out of time (we are both graduating in the spring) and I think that sense of urgency is contributing to my want to do something about this.

I can’t know exactly how she feels because I am not inside her brain. all I know is that when anyone mentions love or the future, I automatically and unconsciously picture her. it’s a little pathetic tbh. but I’ve accepted the strength of my feelings and I need a way to express them or at least control them. I guess I’m writing to you for any advice you may have regarding this.

tldr: too much love. not enough time or ability to express.

sorry for the super long message but I’m not sure what to do. thank you so much :) hope you’re doing well

hi lovey!! thank you, it’s so nice to be back <3

this is a such a sweet message. so many people would love to be talked about the way you talk about her. she’s a lucky girl!!!! i always think that clear communication is the way to go. these feelings are a LOT to handle, and if pouring your heart out to her is going to make you feel better then i think, why not? if you don’t think that she feels the same way, you’ll obviously have to structure your confession as just that - a confession. but if you have a feeling that maybe she likes you back, then you could explain it and see if she can confirm it or clear it up. like you mentioned at the end, “too much love. not enough time or ability to express.” i think communication can do wonders for this situation. if she likes you back, then yay!! go on a date!! if she doesn’t, then you move on with acceptance because you did all you could do.

you could always say something along the lines of i know that i already told you this a year ago but i still have feelings for you. i feel like you deserve to know because we hang out so often and because we’re running the club together. i respect if you don’t feel the same way and i want you to know that i’m not going to jeopardize the club or drag in mutual friends. if you don’t feel the same way, i understand and i won’t act on it. i really admire you and i just need to let you know to get it off my chest. (you can adjust this according to how you guys talk to each other and add more details to explain yourself)

i don’t want to say this because it might give you false hope but this is just something to keep in mind. feelings can change. and i say this for both your feelings, and hers. my boyfriend and i went on a date last year and nothing came out of it. we went on a date almost a year later (a few months ago) and it was completely different and we’re dating now. people change, circumstances change and feelings change. just remember that!!

i think that everyone deserves to feel love and confessing could get you closer to that - love with her, or love with someone else. regardless, the choice is entirely yours and i trust that you’ll make the right decision. i can tell that you have a heart of gold, my sweet anon. i am sending you courage and support!!!! i’d love to know what you decide to do and what the outcome is. my inbox will remain open and i’ll always be here. <3

#chat with honeyymistt

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gamma-gal-24 · 2 years ago

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LEAPS AT YOU. i live again i missed you!!! 😭 i’m sorry i’ve been gone for so long how have you been??? 💞

ALSO: for the heart prompt, perhaps a mutual pining kiss for bradley/stella??? 👀

CATCHES YOU HUGS YOU SQUEEZES YOU YOU LIVE AGAIN!! IT IS GOOD TO SEE YOU MY FRIEND!! I have missed you, too!! Things are going pretty well right now! I hope all is well for you, too! ^^ We’ll have to do some catching up soon! <3

And without any further delay,(because I am totally totally late already XD), here we go! ^^

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bradley x Stella (mutual pining <3)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been about three months since the two of them had first bumped into one another, and the two had been all but inseparable since. At first they simply had a knack for catching each other in passing, offering a little wave or, in Bradley’s case, a flirty grin. But very quickly they found themselves starting to go out of their way to “coincidently” be at the right place at the right time. Before either one knew it, they had established a schedule of sorts, without even meaning to. And neither one had truly realized what they had done.

So here they were again. Every day at about two o’clock, Stella left her culinary class and went to sit outside by the water fountain. She never planned on it becoming a habit, but certain circumstances prohibited her from stopping this routine of sorts. And now that very circumstance stood leaning oh-so-cooly against her favorite spot, a skateboard under his arm and a pink daisy between his fingers.

Oh, the smile that got him. And he looked up just in time to see it.

To Bradley at least, Stella had one of those smiles that made the world feel right again. In a life full of endless competition, bad ideas, and drama, she had a way of hiding it all in a pretty little box somewhere behind her smiling eyes. And while he didn’t feel it was appropriate to say it, he loved that about her dearly.

Upon meeting her grinning gaze, he perked up with a dazzling one of his own. The sparks flitting around in each of their chests was invisible to the other, though bright and brilliant as they were. He offered her a slender hand, slightly scratched and red from a short fall he had taken off of his board a few hours before. He thought nothing of it. The scratches and scars he had acquired over his years of extreme sports had to be within the hundreds if not thousands. He was almost numb to it by now. Stella, however, saw the angry redness and torn skin on his palm and flinched back. She was afraid to touch it. What if it still hurt?

Bradley cocked his head to the side, unsure of what the holdup was.

“Hey, what’s the matter, princess? I’m not gonna bite ya!” He chuckled, holding his hand out a little farther. Stella smiled softly back. Rather than slipping her hand into his like she always did, she cupped it between hers. “You scraped your hand today!” She pointed out, looking from his little wound to his eyes and back again. “Does it hurt?”

Bradley laughed, a bright, musical noise on her ears. “No, are you kidding? I can’t even feel it!” He beamed, moving to throw his arm around her, pulling her close. “It’s cute that you worry, Honey, but it takes a lot more than a little scuff to hurt me much.”

This tough city boy had Stella melting in his arm. Her face now a shade or two brighter than her pink tee-shirt. She felt silly, but oh so happy at that moment. “Well, if you’re sure.” She said, resting her head on his berry-clad shoulder. “Just promise you won’t let me accidentally hurt you worse than you hurt yourself on that board of yours.”

That earned her another sweet laugh from the Uppercrust. “Stella, you couldn’t hurt me if you tried.” He half-whispered, his face donning its signature self-assured smirk. “Now, since we’re both done with classes for the day and I don’t have anywhere to be, why don’t we take a walk? I know how much you like those dogwood trees down Frat Row.”

Now that was an offer she couldn’t refuse. He watched as her head popped up off of his shoulder, blue eyes lighting up at the proposition. That just made him feel all the better about himself, the smug punk.

“I’d love that! But… What if your friends see us? They won’t tease you too bad will they?” Stella asked, unsure of how the Gammas would take seeing their president hanging around with anybody but a social elite. Bradley however, shooed away the mere thought with a shake of his head. “The only thing they’ll be thinking is, “God, I wish that were me.” He smirked, giving her a squeeze and starting off their walk. Stella giggled into her hand, wrapping her free arm around the small of his back. “Ah yes, I’m sure they wish you would take them for walks through the flowers-” “That’s not what I meant, you Goof!” Bradley cut her off with a laugh. His cheeks were flushed with embarrassment just from the thought. “I think I’d rather sign myself up for war before I’d walk any of those idiots anywhere.”

Stella just laughed and shook her head. “Uh-huh, suuuure you would.~ No offense Bradley, but I think you’d change your mind as soon as they go to shave off that pretty hair of yours.” She giggled, proud of her rebuttal. Bradley conceded with a bow of his head. “Touche, Miss Harper, touche. Although…” He started, raising his head back up with a slick grin. “I didn’t realize you thought my hair was pretty!~”

This battle of compliments, jokes, and flushed faces continued all the way to the start of Frat Row.

They stopped at the big sign off to the side of the road for just a moment. The pretty, blossoming spring trees swayed ever so softly in the light breeze, casting their pink and white petals all about. Stella just watched for a moment, completely enamored. Bradley did the same, only…

It wasn’t the trees that captured his attention, nor was it them that brought on what had to be the sweetest smile he had ever worn.

Bradley had always prided himself on keeping the infectious sappiness of puppy-love out of his own reach. He messed around with girls for sure, but that was more of a status symbol than anything. A one-night fling for a frat party was a completely different world from what he felt now with this one girl. Slowly but surely, this sweet acquaintance, this friend, this crush had taken his one-man world and made room for two. It was a bittersweetness he’d come to love.

As he sifted through his own thoughts, Bradley nearly hadn’t noticed Stella shifting her attention back to him, her smile sweet as ever, cheeks still pink. Smiling still himself, he put his thoughts on hold. Heaven knew they weren’t going anywhere. “So, shall we then?” He urged with a subtle bow, playing up the charms as per usual.

He had expected a brisk nod or maybe even a, “yes please,” but was instead met with a sudden anxiousness. She couldn’t look him in the eyes, and her smile had fallen. What was the matter?

“Hey… Everything okay, Stellz?” He asked, a faint, unfamiliar lurch of worry in his chest. Finally, Stella nodded, seemingly breaking herself out of her own thoughts just as he had. “Oh, y-yeah, I’m fine! I was just thinking is all…” Her bashful little face was just too sweet. “Oh? What were you thinking about?” Bradley asked, slipping his arm from around her shoulders, consequently causing hers to slip off of him.

Now he stood between Stella and the trees. And oh, what a wonderful mistake that was. He had unknowingly stepped into what looked like a scene in a fairytale to poor Stella. This handsome young man with his gorgeous blue eyes and his stupid smug grin, a few stray flower petals blowing around behind him and landing in his hair- It was almost too beautiful for her to stand. He was like a prince in her eyes. A perfect prince charming.

And now she had lost her voice in the wonder of it all.

“Um.. I- You just…” She stuttered and stumbled over herself, shifting from her left foot to her right. “Y-you look nice…” Was all she could spit out before her head dropped in shame. She would never ever be as smooth as Bradley.

The smoothtalker in question bit back a chuckle, afraid that she might take his amusement as an insult. He took a deep breath to push back his giggles before gently taking her right cheek in his scratched-up hand, the same one she had refused to hold in fear of hurting him.

“Thank you, Stella, but I don’t look half as nice as you do right now.” He cooed, his thumb lightly grazing the soft skin under her eye. Those very eyes were wide and bright, obviously taken aback. “A-are you sure about that?” She half giggled, unconsciously taking a baby step closer to his body. He too caught himself slowly inching closer to her, the space between their noses narrowing. He hummed a quiet affirmation, the two of them inching towards closing the gap. Neither one was completely sure what they were doing, all they knew was that it felt right.

Before they knew it, two pairs of eyes had fluttered closed, and two pairs of lips met in the middle in what could only be described as the perfect first kiss. Stella’s hand rested against the one caressing her cheek, the other finding its resting place on Bradley’s shoulder. Bradley pulled back with a smile. And just as he was about to lean back in, the two of them were interrupted but a mix of faux sniffles and chuckles.

Startled, they pried apart and snapped their heads to the side to see what was happening. Once they realized what they were seeing, the two of them grew pale in the face.

They had been caught… By the entire Gamma team. And Goofy was holding a camera.

#AHHH I had wayyy too much fun with this!! 😭💓💞#TYSM JESTER #ILY ILY I MISSED YOU AND ILY #Selfship asks #StellaxBradley #An extremely goofy movie OC #OcxCanon

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hrmkingizzy · 2 years ago

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7 & 7

Thanks @toribookworm22 for the tag! Rules: Share 7 snippets from a work of choice and tag 7 people! Tags: I don't have 7 mutuals yet, so here we go - @mariahwritesstuff, @leighvalentin, @xxx-wrenfinch-xxx, @vanessaroades-author, and anyone else who'd like to play! If you do it, tag me back so I can see~

I'm picking Serenity excerpts for this. If you'd like to learn more about Serenity, feel free to read my pinned post!

Chapter 4: Due Process

Avery sat up and Rueben studied his face. Exhaustion pulled at the edges. His eyes were tired, stressed. The weight of the world hung there in every line, tugging hard at the corners.

Rueben swallowed and said, “You’re getting crow’s feet.” He hoped his voice was flat, empty of the sympathy he felt. Things hadn’t been easy for anyone, but Avery made Rueben’s job harder; he hadn’t earned Rueben’s sympathy.

2. Chapter 6: Beauty Rest and the Beast

He stopped fighting and let the hand pull him upward, he picked up speed as he drew closer to the surface and breeched with an explosive force into the air. Columns of water rose to cradle him back down. A curtain of water formed between the columns, hiding his massive dragon form from view. Waves splashed under his feet, licking away his dragon skin. Scales floated beneath him, shimmering blue gems in the clear water.

Once the scales had been pulled free, a pale blue human stepped out. The lake traded his shed skin for a robe of water. It conformed to Serin’s new body, shining and flowing like the source.

The curtains and columns collapsed, splashing Serin. He laced his fingers together and stretched his arms up towards the sky, testing the muscles of the body he hadn’t worn in nearly three hundred years. They ached and popped as he worked them loose. He pulled his arms back down and rolled his shoulders. His cobalt locks sprung free of the cloak’s hood, a wavy mess around his ears.

3. Chapter 6: Beauty Rest and the Beast

Serin grabbed the book in Rueben’s arms. “You mind if I—?” He took it without much of a fight from Rueben and read over the open page. Serin’s dragon likeness curled over the page, coiled like a snake. The page shimmered ever so slightly, as if it really pictured Serin’s scales.

He liked the painting. “Ah, so this is where you got the spell. The artist did a good job, don’t you think?” Serin held the book up beside his face and smiled.

4. Chapter 12: Out to Lunch

Callie tugged at Serin’s arm. She tied a bracelet around his wrist and giggled. “Happy Festival!” she said. It was a green yarn band with red berries braided into it.

“Rosary peas,” the lady said. “They’re the staple here. They make nice jewelry.”

“I made this one myself! You can have it,” Callie said.

Serin turned it over and smiled at her. “Thank you, Callie.”

5. Chapter 16: Introductions are in Order

“We provide the people with faith and presence,” Avery said.

“Not for much longer,” Zagan said. “His majesty commanded us to establish a place of worship for the people to gather. Surely, you’ve seen our preachers recruiting in the market.”

“Why are you here, Zagan?” Avery noticed that Zagan ignored the question the first time.

“To formally meet the man who’s job I’ll be taking.”

6. Chapter 18: Hide

The man nodded. “Yes, I’ve heard that.”

Have you? Dane thought. Funny, since I just made that up. “You must be well-read,” Dane said. “My sources, I spent months tracking them down. Perhaps you can set me up with your informants?”

“Oh, no!” The man shook his head. “I couldn’t do that. You can’t see him.”

Dane raised a brow. “Busy man?”

“No, he’s invisible.”

7. Chapter 21: It's a Girl!

Watch, the voice said.

The creature curled up around itself. A column of bright pink light ignited around it which kicked up wind from an unknown source across the blankets. The light and wind built a wall of dirt, and that dirt hid the creature. More giggling.

Liss was enraptured, in a trance, as the column came down. In the creature’s place sat a little girl. Bubblegum pink princess curls danced around a heart-shaped face. Her skin was golden brown with the slightest hint of teal when the light hit her just right. She wore a white dress with puffy shoulders and a green lace trim. A tiny, green bow across the chest matched the green she’d previously been. White stockings covered her feet, but she wore no shoes.

“I’m Trishuo!” the little girl said. “But you can call me Trixie.”

#writeblr #writing tag game #writers of tumblr #wip: serenity #7&7

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subjectively-objective · 2 months ago

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Arcana 99 - Ch. 3

Third Place

What is this? Next

Of course, I had heard of the Grenfell-Maxwell Marathon. Its advertisements were certainly targeted towards people in desperate situations. In fact, the promised wish at the end was cited by most I saw signing up. Though it was obviously no more than a ploy to get gullible people in the gate.

Why bother with the ploy when the offered money is more than enough to draw people?

Even my fellow veterans that knew the wish was a lie desired nothing more than to win the grand amount of money at the end of it all. Most of my friends and family wanted nothing more than to win, but they either lacked the drive or the money to cross the Atlantic and try.

Me? Well, I pride myself on being a little more tempered, a little more frugal, and a lot more patient than my peers, comes with the territory of being a sniper, but even I cannot deny a quick way to make lots of money. Combine that with my expecting wife? To not try would be the worst choice.

I found a handful of other vets from the Continuation War and talked them all into coming with me, and we were soon on our way to the starting line. I had finished rechecking that we had everything packed in our jeep when I overheard my two teammates talking about their hopes for the race. I may have been the one to convince them to come, but they were far more ambitious than I.

“If we can place first in five stages, that’s over half a million.” One said.

“Yeah, but why stop there? If we make it to the end, we get that whole ‘wish’ thing.” Said the other.

“Only if it’s true,”

“And I can’t even begin to imagine what I would ask for if it were.”

“I know that if I had it now, I’d only wish to be out of this damn heat.”

They had a mutual laugh as I sat in the back of the vehicle, “You should have packed like I told you to,” The two people sat in front of me were Johannes Mannerheim, a soldier I had met during the Lapland War, and Aksel Oesch, a friend through Johannes and the person who stole this jeep from the Soviets.

One of them waved their hands to dismiss my words, “Bah, we’ll have plenty of opportunities to buy clothes on our way to the other side of the world. By the way, are you still sure about leaving after the first stage?”

I hesitated to answer. $1,000 was a good amount of money, and it would only grow larger if we placed higher and finished more stages, “I can’t. I promised that this would only take two months, and no amount of money is worth not seeing my child’s, well, any of it.” Johannes nodded. Though his children are adults now, he remembered how it felt.

A minute of silence passed and it was only interrupted by the announcement of the beginning of the race. Our car sprang to life as the countless others around us followed suit. As I expected, we weren’t gaining on most of the competitors on the flats, but once we reached more rugged terrain, we would make up for it. I reached over and turned on the large radio placed next to me in the back row. I quickly scanned the stations and found the one announcing the race.

A static-infused voice came out of the headphones and was barely audible over the screams of engines filling the air, “Laveau has broken ahead!”

“Have either of you heard of a Laveau?” I asked.

They both shook their heads, “The only other racer I know is Dumont”

Aksel groaned, “Can you not remind me about her, please? It kills the mood when I know this is just a race for second place.”

"No," I said, "Someone else has already broken ahead. We're racing for third now."

“Only if there’s not another plane competing.”

“No,” I said, “Only Dumont’s crazy enough to fly a plane when she doesn’t know where the finish line is.” Just as those words left my mouth the ground around us darkened. If I was eating anything, I would have spat it out right then. Above us was a twenty-year-old relic, a zeppelin.

“Cool, now we’re gunning for fourth.” Johannes rubbed his hand against his head.

I went to reassure him, but I was interrupted by the radio, “My God! Someone else has broken through the crowd and is gaining on Laveau! It’s competitor 200362, Nerio Pinkerton!”

“Hey, Johannes the announcer just said that Nerio is here."

“Nerio? Let me guess, he’s already far ahead of anyone else?”

“Yeah, looks like we’re fighting for fifth.”

“Nerio?”

“Oh, right, you’ve never met him. He was a mercenary we worked with during the Continuation War.”

“Mercenary? I didn’t know we hired any mercenaries.” Johannes looked at me. I shook my head.

If he doesn’t know now. . .

“We are clearly off to a wonderful start to this race!” The announcer continued, “Those two appear to be leagues above the others, and what a spectacle it would be to watch them battle for victory. Wait, hold on. . . I have just received news that Mr. Pinkerton and Ms. Laveau are both members of the same team. This really does put pressure on the other competitors. Can anyone but Dumont’s plane and Kober's. . .”

He’s on a team with that other person who sprung ahead? Fourth it is. Though, why would he waste himself on this race?

“Hey, Urho, stop daydreaming about him and look,” Johannes pointed to our left where a plane was easing above the crowd, “She must be braver than I thought, taking off in the middle of all this.”

Something wasn’t right with Dumont trying to take off this early. She was clearly capable of it, but a collision with any vehicle would destroy her chances at victory. I grabbed my rifle’s scope and aimed it towards the plane. Through the scope, I could see black drops fly out from the right wing.

I panned the scope until I could see the cockpit window. Inside, one person was sat behind the controls. While I couldn't see them clearly, I could tell they weren't Dumont for two reasons. Firstly, they were wearing a wide-brimmed hat inside the plane, a hat that would only make it more difficult to see where they were flying. Second, and most damning, their fashion sense was extremely poncho-centric, a direct offense to Dumont’s normal French chic.

Well, third place it is. Disappointing, but I could use the $12,000.

I am Urho Häyhä, and this race is how I discovered what I needed most.

#writeblr #writing #creative writing #writing on tumblr #prose #original fiction #serial fiction #arcana 99 #day one

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missusdiary · 3 months ago

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Feeling like a broken record

sep 5th. 2024

i was gonna wait to talk about this but i feel like tonight is as good as any.

i started talking to this guy almost 2 weeks ago, and i don’t have any bad things to say about him (shocker).

he’s honestly the nicest, most emotionally mature male human i have ever spoken to. he’s so sweet and affirming and it’s so easy to talk to him and feel comfortable in his presence, i’ve never actually felt that way about someone i’ve only just met.

he somehow reads me very easily…like to the T. which is creepy.

he says he feels the same, and we do have many similarities that are honestly eerie because i don’t feel like the things we have in common are…common. objectively.

we met last week and had a good time that exceeded my (very low) expectations. we did a few physical things and talked about some trauma briefly, and it was very wholesome as well as hot as well as comfortable.

i have seen him again once and i was super nervous because of embarrassment, but we talk on the phone often and i realized that talking to him is the highlight of my day, which is not good at all! :D

he recently got out of a serious relationship like 2 months ago. i believe him when he says he is over his ex (with my past experiences i think i can tell when someone really is over their ex or not) and he says he learned a lot about himself and is currently doing so.

he doesn’t seem very insecure about the mundane things most people are and he’s very understanding when it comes to other people.

HOWEVER

he says he isn’t ready for a relationship and we spoke about the nature of our “friendship” and decided a fwb type of situation would be best. i asked him if he wanted to do exclusive fwb or messing w other people fwb and he said he would like to wait a bit before coming to a decision. totally understandable!

my problem is me :3

i believe that, spiritually, i am ready for a relationship. but physically, emotionally, financially? hell nah. but i’m afraid that i will get to attached to this man -who probably doesn’t even actually like me that much- because of how comforting i find his presence.

one thing about me is i lack comfort. i have depression, adhd, some other things that are undiagnosed and i share these similarities with every single person i’m surrounded by. i have no support systems which is why i am so desperate for that comfort. physically i cannot take medication to manage my symptoms, so i kinda just float through this numb limbo so i don’t become manic like i was a few years ago.

i let it slip one day that talking to him was the highlight of my day and he said “that’s not good.”

i immediately agreed with him. i know for a fact that i’m not ready for serious commitment -because i have pre existing commitment issues- and i hate jumping into new things because i’m excited only to realize i was actually never ready to begin with.

idk how to even fix this problem because i know the problem is there. i know how to not act on those impulses, but? the problem never goes away??

i have never been someone who likes to be dependent on others, especially when i know that the feeling is not mutual. and the feeling i get when i wait for him to text me or call me pisses me off so much.

like he literally just texted me and my heart skipped a beat. PATHETIC! i’m actually disgusted with myself because i hate when i act like this over people, and it’s literally only been 2 weeks.

on one hand, i’m glad that i met him and that i get to experience his personality, especially after literally praying for someone exactly like him.

but that’s my other problem.

i prayed for someone EXACTLY like him and here he is, in reach but also out of reach. i see so much potential for the two of us but at the same time there are boundaries within myself, and that he has laid that i can’t cross.

i’m sad that it feels so muddled and confusing and i just want things to be simple for once. like why does it always have to be this way? i don’t understand.

#diary entry #digital diary #thoughts #deep thoughts #mental health #sadgirl

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i-wordwizard-i · 7 months ago

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Icarus and the Phoenix

(UNFINISHED)

From 11:49 March 19th 2024 on a Tuesday to a Monday, on April 1st 2024 10:44, I had felt love for an oddity I never could've expected, aren't I the fool? You see, Icarus ended up burnt, he flew too close to that sun and lost his wings. But Icarus had not met the sun, he met a soaring phoenix.

He and the phoenix soared the skies for a while, Icarus keeping his distance from the flaming bird to avoid himself getting burnt. After coasting for a while, their bond strengthened. Icarus would fly close to the phoenix in the rain, and the phoenix flew close in the winter to keep him warm. This worked well for a while, until a storm came. It lasted a whole week, Icarus still doing his best to keep the phoenix safe. This didn't last, it became too much for the flaming bird, so it flew up above the clouds, leaving Icarus in the storm. It is believed Icarus loved that bird, that he burnt his wings just to keep them safe. Others believe that those feelings were mutual, and if it was not for the storm, they'd have soared over the whole world. But you see, Icarus was never burnt by the flames of the phoenix, he simply felt the sharp, cold rain after the bird’s warmth dissipated. Icarus may have not been burnt by the phoenix, but that storm didn't subside for some time.

We were friends before then, not very long, 3 months or so, I got infatuated with their story see. The hardships they had to overcome, the ones they've yet to encounter but were bound for the horizon, I wished to see their story unfold. That Phoenix, they were an oddity I never could grasp.

I think I loved him, we both had that love, it was a mutual thing, but I never wished to harm that beauty of a creature. I didn't wish to shackle a bird like that, keep them bound to my level, but he wanted me at the time so I said yes.

Delusional was Icarus, he saw the sun in a bird merely born from some ashes. It's argued they both were deluded to what was real, a fantasmic lie they both lived for some odd while.

They said to him that it wasn't his fault, it was no one's in the end. It was a hard truth to swallow, there were faults that he saw in hindsight, on both sides. It was circumstantial, had he never gotten sick, had he never been overwhelmed, it is believed by few that they'd still be together. However the circumstance, that oddity was defiant, unbound, it's why he loved him so.

If it wasn't for my overbearing, if I had made them feel safe, if only I kept it bottled.

Icarus couldn't find his way through the skies anymore, he had no light to guide him in this storm. Icarus searched for a home, one he had before he soared the skies, wishing he could take everything back. Icarus’ mind was sporadic, hectic, he had trouble grasping the reality at hand. It wasn’t his fault, he dared to blame the bird, but he knew that if it was their fault, it was just as much his.

He was distraught, distrustful, and unmotivated. His eating was halved, anymore and he’d surely vomit. Seeing them or their friends when passing by resulted in an acidic feeling in his throat, it was going against habit while acting like you’re not thinking.

You can’t find logic in love, and its consequences. It’s near impossible to accept an illogical thing such as love, but you still feel it. Maybe not like your friend, maybe not like Icarus, maybe not like anyone else in the world, but you can still feel love. Whether platonic, romantic, sensual, sexual, love is unique to you, and for some it just happens to dissipate, fade with time.

Here's an unfinished short story that I might try to tackle again at a later date. A friend suggested that I entwined different povs in the next story I wrote so this was the attempt. I'm a little lost on how I continue the story from the second to last paragraph, maybe have them find eachother again "red string theory", or have them be better apart like "La La Land". Or maybe I have the perspectives shift into different stories? Following a less straight storyline? Idk I definitely plan to come back to this but not right now (as this story is based on pretty real events, and I want to give myself proper time before I tackle it again).

Buhbye for now!!

#poet #poetry #aromantic #queer platonic relationship #love and all that nice stuff #queer #qpr pride #breakup #short story #unfinished #greek in irony

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deerblossoms · 1 year ago

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it is august and i’m 20 and i think this is the emptiest i’ve felt in years. it’s crazy because objectively my life is SO much better than it once was. i should be ecstatic every day and i don’t think i care really. i got on wellbutrin and was taking that with the lexapro until they ran out and then when i went to refill them they only gave me the wellbutrin. apparently my lexapro prescription was cancelled? i haven’t had the motivation to message my provider and honestly haven’t even had the motivation to take my meds at all. probably has something to do with the emptiness! but i dread it because now that i’m not consistently on wellbutrin, whenever i take one i seem to get suicidal and have a little freakout. could be coincidence but i’m not enjoying it! my life’s had so many ups and downs over the past few months. jo and i broke up, not mutually on their part but it had to be done. i’ve thought about it so many times and i don’t think there’s anything that could’ve been done differently. i think the turning point was december when we hooked up for the first time and after that we were just fated for this. anyway, it would have happened eventually. frankly if it hadn’t, i don’t think i’d know as much about myself as i do now but i hate that jo ended up being my fucking guinea pig for self discovery. besides, what i discovered is that i really am an ass. commitment issues, not very ethical in my non-monogamy, deeply avoidant, anger issues up the wazoo, completely non-communicative, etc. kayla and i are still seeing each other and have at least talked about WHY we’re not going to call it dating. and we’re not going to call it dating! largely because i’m a complete dick who it would be unwise to officially commit to.

i hooked up with my friend recently and then got later propositioned for a threesome by said person with our mutual friend. not exactly the life i expected for myself if i’m being honest! not like i’m mad about it. everyone thinks i’m crazy sexy these days and i would be a liar if i said it wasn’t going slightly to my head. but to be honest i don’t really think that’s a bad thing i’ve felt unsexy and unattractive my whole life! i deserve to feel like the shit.

i’ve been missing margarita lately which just sucks if i’m being honest because they have too much self-respect to actually talk to me. so we can’t even be friends. which is my fault! i screwed it up and there’s no way around that. but i miss them. i’ve started cooking a little more often recently but still only my one pasta recipe. and i realized i hadn’t drawn for like 8 months so now i’m trying to get back into it. i wish so deeply i could make myself do the things i want to do. i want to paint and sketch at home and go to life drawing classes and pottery classes and take photos and make collages and make videos of things and get back into editing and learn about fashion history and clothing and learn how to sew and live a life i’m proud of and instead i’m just the most bored person ever. i practically live at the bar by my job. i’m there more than my seasoned alcoholic friend who introduced me to the place in the first place. and i’ve made some of my best friends through this and i’m not going to act like that’s not the reason i go. i go to see them! but i think i also go to avoid going home because i’m afraid if i go home i’ll do nothing and feel like shit. and so i might as well do nothing in good company and feel like my time was spent well even if it was spent at the same bar every time. i’ll be there tonight without a SHADOW of a doubt.

in positive news it turns out that HR cut my hourly by $3 about 4 months ago and i only found out last month. have been really stressed and mad for a while about it! and when i brought it up to my boss the other day not only did he profusely apologize and tell me he’d get it fixed immediately and include a few weeks minimum of retropay, he also told me he’s going to give me a $1 raise on top of my initial rate. which is SO EXCITING!!!! AND AND AND lainey’s getting married in november in copenhagen and i’m invited!!! duh. the only stressful part is getting my passport and for some reason i’ve been putting it off for like 3 months which means now i am like. super super down to the wire and i’ll definitely have to pay the extra $60 to get it expedited. which is……fine! now that i have my RAISE.

i’ve been missing my parents a little more recently. i can’t say that i know why. i’m not really missing them but i’m missing who i wish they were for me. or wishing they were the best parts of themselves, i guess. i miss drawing with my mom and goofing around and watching tv and eating snacks and going to cafes and i wish that i could go hiking with her now that there’s less tension and i have an appreciation for it. and i miss hanging out with my dad and listening to music together and taking trips and i miss when i was little and we would dance in the kitchen together and it hurts so much that i don’t get that anymore. i barely got it to begin with past like, 9. we would get along so well if they wouldn’t take one look at me and hate me. and it’s not fair because i love my parents and i can’t stand them anyway. and there is a part of me that can never forgive them for the years of abuse they inflicted on me. especially because they’re never going to understand the toll they took on me! everything’s so bittersweet these days and when it’s not it’s usually just bitter. but most of it’s bittersweet. and i guess this is a depressive episode but it just feels so boring. it’s just one big all-consuming hole inside me. sometimes i think i’d be happier in washington and then i remember how i’m actually just bored everywhere. honestly i’ll be happier once i get my license and passport because then i’ll be able to drive upstate to the apple orchards and the waterfalls and the cute little towns and the ren faire and then to canada and see everything beautiful.

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raincitygirl76 · 2 years ago

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Yeah, I’m still on about this scene. I rewatched 2.05 again the other day, and the curtains scene remains stuck in my brain. They’d been apart and miserable for months, and they were starving for each other. Also, great work by the intimacy coordinator, which I’ll discuss in more detail below.

By 2.05 Wilhelm and Simon have already had sex on 2 occasions last term (after the football field and then in the fish scene). Yeah, both were several months ago, but I suspect they’re less hesitant in 2.05 because they feel more confident in what they’re doing. The explorations they did in S1 mean they know each other’s bodies better now.

Also, while the curtains scene isn’t “soft”, it has a ton of enthusiastic consent. And it starts out very soft, with a hug. Then a kiss followed by a silent check-in where they look at each other to ensure they’re both okay with the kissing. It just escalates fast after that. It’s been months, and this could be their last chance to be together EVER, since Simon is going to the police in the morning. They’re both desperate, and they’re feeding off each other’s urgency.

In 2.05, as things escalate, they’re practically ripping at their clothes so they can get skin on skin. Then Wilhelm pushes Simon until he’s sitting on the desk while Wille is still standing. Simon can still kiss him frantically, and wrap his legs around Wille, but he needs to keep his hands behind him on the desk to keep his balance. Clearly, Simon not being able to put his hands on this boy is a tragedy which must be rectified. So Simon shoves them both onto the bed, where he can use his hands as well as his mouth and his legs.

It’s an interesting scene compared to their 2 real intimate scenes in S1, plus Wilhelm’s dream of being with Simon in 2.01. Because those first 3 scenes were very “soft”, and the intimacy in 2.05 only starts out “soft”, then rapidly gets very urgent.

But I never felt uncomfortable, because the passion in the curtains scene is CLEARLY mutual. When Wilhelm gets frantic and pushes Simon until he’s sitting on the desk, Simon is very much on board, until he realizes he can’t touch Wille like this. And it’s like Wille being a little pushy is a signal to Simon he too can get pushy. Because he promptly ups the ante.

Wilhelm reacts with great enthusiasm to being shoved back onto the bed, straddled, and devoured with frantic kisses. He’s into Simon escalating the pushiness he initiated, hell yeah. Granted, he lifts Simon off his lap and runs over to the window when he realizes the curtains are open. Simon looks momentarily worried after Wille breaks off physical contact, like Simon thinks he might have gone too far.

But as soon as Wilhelm has closed the curtains, they check in again while he’s still standing by the window. Simon realizes why Wille left, and that it wasn’t because he (Simon) did anything that made him (Wilhelm) uncomfortable. They both giggle, and Wille moves back towards the bed as the scene ends, with the camera still on the curtains.

Another great choice, by the way. Reminding the viewers that the last time they had sex in this room, their privacy was horribly violated in a way that left them both traumatized. Their privacy won’t be violated this time, not even by the viewers. What follows after the scene fades to black on that last shot of the closed curtains is just for the two of them to share.

Shout out to Sara Aarhusis (I think I might have spelled their last name wrong), YR’s awesome intimacy coordinator, for choreographing this scene. Intimacy doesn’t always have to be “soft” to be loving and caring. Sexual partners can get frantic, but in a healthy, respectful way that makes it clear they’re both into it. And we see both Wille and Simon checking in regularly to make sure they still have mutual enthusiastic consent. It’s not verbal, but it’s there.

Edited to add:

I didn’t like my original word choice of “aggression” in paragraph 6, and said so at the time. In comments, @enchantingmel0dy offered some good alternatives, and I went with “passion”. So I have now edited that paragraph to take out the word I didn’t like. Thank you!

I think the sex scenes are more intimate in YR because of Sara's work - I don't know what kind of magic they are brewing but they are bloody amazing at it. I also don't think it's fair for people to say that they're soft. Obviously some are, but if you think about the scene in S2 E5, Wilmon absolutely devour each other. Which I am very here for.

It gets a 10/10 horny from me

#curtains scene #wilmon intimacy #young royals season 2 #young royals favourite posts

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wandaromanova · 3 years ago

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wandanat where theyre both so busy and stressed out lately but r just wants to spend time with them but wandanat pushes them away and snaps so angst!!!! do whatever u please u can change it up and stuff i just want some angst with the two 🤧

Misplaced Frustration

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Fem!Reader x Natasha Romanoff

Warnings: death, cussing, wandanat being assholes

A/N: you ask for angst and you shall receive, anon! not proofread. join my taglist here ! <3

Misplaced Frustration | Blame Game | Until Then…

Summary: Y/N just wants to spend more time with her girlfriends; Wanda and Natasha, but they don’t care.

Word Count: 2.5K

(gif is not mine)

You were one of New York’s best lawyers and had been tasked to defend the Avengers against the state. At first, your relationship with your clients was strictly professional, but after you had won the case for the team, they all became close friends of yours; some closer than others.

You were just a normal person who just so happened to be dating two Avengers; Natasha Romanoff and Wanda Maximoff. Your girlfriends would be out fighting criminals while you dealt with court cases involving the people they had taken into custody. To say you were shocked when not one of the women, but both of them showed interest in you, was an understatement. You never thought you were one for polygamy, but come on; it was Natasha and Wanda. You would be crazy to not jump at the opportunity to be with them both.

So now, here you were two years later in the complex you shared with the two. You haven’t been seeing much of them lately. Admittedly, you were all very busy people with very crazy schedules. You’d spend all nighters at the office while your girlfriends went on missions for days, sometimes weeks. You were stressed out and fatigued from all the work your profession entailed. However, you were more stressed out by the fact that you rarely see the two redheads anymore.

You missed them so god damn much. You can’t even remember the last time you had a proper conversation with either of them. You knew they were busy, busier than you, but it wouldn’t hurt them to say no to a mission every now and again. You had turned down cases to ensure time with them before, why couldn’t they do the same? They had other teammates that could take over, you didn’t. You’d think it would be easier for them to get some spare time with you, but nope. You got to see them once, twice a week if you were lucky.

You could tell they were just as stressed out by work as you were, if not more. Wanda is normally an extremely talkative person, but now when she’s home it’s radio silence. Natasha is usually the neat freak between the three of you, she always makes sure the place is squeaky clean whenever she returns home. Now, she hasn’t even bothered to so much as do her own laundry. You wished there was something you could do to ease the tension that’s been plaguing the two women.

Natasha and Wanda told you that they would be returning from a mission sometime tonight. They had told you not to wait up for them, but you decided to anyway. You wanted to suggest taking a break from work to them. You would take a break and so would they; a mutual agreement. It seemed like a mature and civilized way to compromise for the sake of quality time together. You missed Wanda’s cuddles and Natasha intricately braiding your hair. You missed being squished between them on the couch while you watched some god awful scary movies. You just missed having them around.

You all were practically strangers that slept in the same bed. This tension and distance due to stress has been going on for a few months and you were at your breaking point. So, it was now 3AM and they finally returned. As you were lost on your thoughts sitting on the couch, you failed to notice their presence until Natasha spoke, breaking the silence.

“Y/N. We told you not to wait up for us.” She said exhaustedly as she kicked off her shoes and placed her keys on the table beside the front door. You whipped your head around and were met with the two, visibly tired women, who were still in their mission suits.

“I know, but I need to talk to you guys. It’s important.” You spoke hesitantly as you stood up from the couch and crossed your arms firmly across your chest.

“Can’t it wait until later Y/N? We’re beat and I honestly can’t be bothered to have a conversation with you right now.” Wanda spoke monotonously as she made a move to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. Natasha began to make her way to the bedroom. Were they seriously trying to dismiss you when you told them this was important?

“No. It can’t wait until later because who fucking knows when later will be? It could be a month from now!” You suddenly blurted out causing the two women to stop in their tracks. Wanda turned around to face you from behind the kitchen counter while Natasha paused in the hall.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Natasha asked you as she walked towards you. She stopped right in front of you while you were frozen in place.

“I don’t see you guys anymore. I get you guys are busy and stressed from work, but the least you guys could do is take a break and take a little time to be with me.” You spoke solemnly as you looked down at the ground. You wanted to pull Natasha into your arms due to her close proximity, but you refrained.

“Y/N. It’s our jobs. We protect the world! We don’t have time to take a god damn break like your dumb ass does!” Natasha snapped at you with fury present behind her eyes. Her eyebrows furrowed in frustration as she stared at you.

Wanda made her way towards you both and stood strongly beside Natasha. “Yeah, our job is actually fucking important Y/N. We don’t have the pleasure of leisure time. You’re so god damn annoying and clingy it makes me want to throw you across the room!” Wanda screamed harshly in your face as she gave you a harsh shove. You stumbled back as tears began to fill your eyes.

“You think my job isn’t important? Remember when I saved both of your assess and the the rest of the team from the Raft? Fuck you for trying to demean me and dismiss my work!” You screamed back in anger. They knew how god damn hard you worked to win your cases, you weren’t the best in New York for nothing.

“If you think that wanting a little bit of you guys’ time is being clingy, then you’re both fucking stupid. Being in a relationship calls for spending time with one another, you guys don’t even try.” Your voice slowly faltered from anger back to sadness as you held your tears in. The pain of withholding your sobs spreading throughout your chest.

“We live together Y/N! Is that not enough for you? Do you need us to fucking handcuff ourselves to you, huh? Would that finally get you to shut the fuck up?” Natasha spoke with venom laced in her voice as she glared at you.

Stressed or not, this was not how they should treat you. You didn’t deserve this. You just wanted to see them more and they were treating you as if you asked them to kill someone for you. You’ve had enough of this. You couldn’t take it anymore.

“If you guys won’t take a break from work for the sake of saving our relationship, then I want a break.” You spoke eerily calm, a drastic contrast from your previous agitated state. Your tone and words had shocked Natasha and Wanda. You swiftly walked past them both, grabbed your purse and walked out of the door. You were just going to rent a hotel or something, you’d figure it out. Where you were going didn’t matter as you flung yourself carelessly into your car and drove off, finally allowing the painful sobs to take over your body.

You didn’t realize that expressing how much you missed them would cause such an intense argument. The things they said to you, did they always think that of you? Did they really think what you did wasn’t important? Were you not important to them? Did they not love you anymore?

As all these questions took over your mind, you began to swerve into the other lane of the road without realizing. Your eyes widened as a bright light clouded your vision before your car was slammed head on by another car. Your car was sent flying a few feet back as the car twisted and turned rapidly in different directions. Your vision went black as your car finally came to a bone crushing stop. Your last thoughts before losing consciousness were Wanda and Natasha.

——————————————————————————

Back at the Condo

Wanda and Natasha stared at the door dumbfounded as you walked out. Did you just break up with them? Did they just lose the best thing that they ever had? Were you actually being serious? No, you’d come back. You always left and came back after arguments. You would come back.

A few hours had passed and you were yet to return. It was already morning, the sun was starting to come up and you still hadn’t returned. Natasha and Wanda had grown increasingly worried as every minute passed. Natasha didn’t express this to the other redhead, for fear of freaking her out even more, but she had this bad feeling in her gut. Nat’s gut feelings were usually right, and just this once, she was praying to god that she was wrong.

The silence in the condo was broken when Wanda’s phone began to go off. She quickly jumped to grab her phone from the kitchen counter, hoping for the screen to reveal your name, but it didn’t. Instead, it was an unknown number. Natasha rushed over and frowned in confusion at the number calling.

Wanda reluctantly answered the call as she placed the phone on speaker. “Hello? Who is this?” Wanda asked immediately and urgently as the call connected.

“Hello. Is this Wanda Maximoff?” A feminine voice boomed through the speaker of Wanda’s phone. “Yes. Who is this and what do you want?” Wanda asked with her guard up. Some stranger not only had her number, but knew her name. In hers and Natasha’s line of work, this could mean anything.

“Hi. I’m calling from Lenox Hill Hospital. I regret to inform you that Ms. Y/N L/N has been in a terrible accident and has been admitted to our facility for emergency surgery. As her primary contact, it is my obligation to inform you.” The lady spoke sympathetically as she delivered the horrid news. Wanda and Natasha froze in their spots, not even caring to reply to what the woman had just revealed. An accident? You were hurt and in the hospital? They had to get there now!

Natasha was the first to snap out of her shock and grabbed the phone from Wanda’s grasp and quickly hung it up. They both rushed out of the condo and sped to the hospital you were at. They got there in record time. It’s honestly a miracle they didn’t get pulled over with how fast Nat was driving. Wanda and Natasha frantically ran into the hospital and approached the lady at the front desk.

“Y/N L/N, I’m her emergency contact, Wanda Maximoff. Where is she?” Wanda spoke so fast that the woman had to ask her to repeat what she just said. After Wanda repeated her words, at a comprehensible this time, the woman pointed them in the direction of the waiting room. You were still in surgery and have been for hours.

Why in the fuck did it take the hospital so long to contact them? You’ve been here alone for hours! No one had told them anything about your state. All they had told the two was that there was a car accident. You had drifted off into the other lane and were involved in a head-on collision. Your car was absolutely destroyed and you were in critical condition when the ambulance finally arrived.

Natasha paced back and forth in front of the chair Wanda was sat on. They were exhausted, having not slept yet. But they couldn’t give two shits about sleep right now. They wouldn’t be able to rest until they knew you were okay. Guilt began to consume the both as they recalled the last conversation… or argument, really.. that they had with you. The horrible, awful things they said to you. That couldn’t be the last words you hear from the two women; it couldn’t.

Wanda and Natasha loved your more than anything. When they met you years ago, they knew they had to have you. You were so caring and charitable with a gigantic heart, not to mention you were ridiculously attractive. You had the both of them whipped as soon as you said hello. This couldn’t be goodbye.

After what felt like years, when in reality it was an hour, a doctor walked out and made his way towards Wanda and Natasha. Nat abruptly stopped her pacing and faced the doctor as Wanda shot up from her seat. The doctor paused in front of the two women.

“Are you here for Y/N L/N?” The man asked as the two women furiously nodded their heads. “Yes, we are. Is she okay? Please tell me she’s okay.” The usually composed former assassin was the furthest thing from her calm self. She was scared shitless by the possibility that you weren’t in good condition.

“Y/N was rushed into surgery due to some internal bleeding we found. We tried our hardest to save her, but it was too late. I’m so sorry for your loss…” Anything that the doctor had to say after that went unnoticed by Wanda and Natasha as their hearts broke into two. The world went silent around them as the doctor gave a sad nod before walking off.

They stood frozen in the middle of the waiting room after they had received the worst news of their lives. You were gone. You didn’t make it. The last things they told you and called you were horrendous and now they would never be able to tell you how sorry they were; how much they loved you; how they would love nothing more than to spend even just one more second with you.

All you wanted from Wanda and Natasha was a little bit of their time, but you yourself had run out of time. Wanda fell to the floor as she began to wail out soul-shattering sobs. Natasha leaned her back against the wall and slowly slid down as she pulled Wanda into her arms. Natasha allowed herself to cry, something she never did. They loved you more than life itself and they pushed you away.

If they had just gotten their heads out of their asses, you would’ve never walked out the door. You wouldn’t have been driving. You wouldn’t have gotten into that accident that has now taken you away from them. They wouldn’t be crying in the middle of a hospital holding onto each other, but they would be holding you tightly in the warmth of your bed. But no, they were assholes and misplaced their frustrations; and they’d never be able to fix it.

#wanda maximoff x reader #natasha romanoff x reader #wandanat #angst #request #scarlet witch #black widow #avengers

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