#see supposedly the medication makes you more self aware but it just makes me incredibly depressed | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

molsno · 4 years ago

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I’m skipping the middleman on that trans ask game and just answering all the questions myself <3

this is long so it’s under a read more

1. How did you choose your name?

in senior year of high school, while I was in french class, I was thinking about the word vivre, to live, and how it conjugated. I forget what tense it is, but one way of conjugating it is “nous vivions”, and it dawned on me that the name vivian is based on the word vivre (or its latin origin). of course, I already liked the name due to the character from paper mario ttyd, but knowing that it means life really spoke to me, as I think the ability to live is a precious thing that shouldn’t be wasted. I decided pretty much then and there that I would name my daughter vivian some day. well... then I got the chance to play a character in my friend’s danganronpa killing game, and I thought playing a girl would be interesting. granted, I also already knew I was an egg and saw this as an opportunity to try out my favorite name, so I created vivian tamochi. as you might have guessed, I loved being her so much that I made vivian my actual name

2. What gives you the most dysphoria?

um, hearing recordings of my own voice probably. I always think that I sound very feminine but then I hear a recording of myself and it sounds like a bad impression

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

more social I guess? actually yeah I think all of the dysphoria-induced breakdowns I’ve had have been because of social things

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?

something that helps a lot is shaving, especially when it’s a fullbody shave

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

this is a bit embarrassing but it was honestly christmas eve 2018. I saw my little cousin (I think she was 8 at the time) wearing a pretty dress and I felt sort of jealous that I never got to do that when I was her age. I was so confused about this feeling that I told my trans friend kyra about it and after asking me to clarify what I meant she linked me to the egg_irl subreddit. that was the first time I seriously considered it

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

I told my friend amanda how I’d been confused about my gender and she offered to take me to goodwill to try on some clothes. I was extremely nervous about it while we were there and I really had to work up the courage to not only pick out some clothes to try, but also take them to the fitting room with me. but once I put on a skirt for the first time I stood there for like a solid 5 minutes just looking at myself in the mirror with the biggest happiest smile on my face. in that moment I finally understood what gender euphoria was. I couldn’t deny I was trans any longer, it was just a matter of working up the courage to tell people

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?

um, probably that I feel like a person now. also the little things, like seeing my hips get bigger or looking at how long my hair has gotten. just little things to smile about!

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?

um, I’m girl <3

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

I mean it depends on who, but I decided to do it on national coming out day 2019, in my discord server with friends. basically I commented on it being national coming out day and reposted my intro in the introductions channel with my new name and pronouns. everyone there sorta saw it coming I’m pretty sure

10. What have your experiences been with packing or tucking?

I’ve tucked a few times in public. it’s uncomfortable for sure, but not terrible once you get used to it. the idea of it made me squeamish at first, I’ll admit. but since I haven’t had much excuse to go out in girlmode the past year or so, I haven’t tucked much

11. What are your experiences with binding or wearing breast forms?

the closest I’ve ever gotten to wearing breast forms is wearing a bra every day for..... almost a year now? it doesn’t serve much purpose other than letting me feel something there, though that is changing since I’ve been on hrt for several months

12. Do you pass?

I mean... probably not? I feel like I’m very visibly trans. there have been like two times where I’ve been gendered correctly in public (one in girlmode, one not) but those are extremely rare

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

well I’ve been on hrt for 8 months now so that’s one thing. I want to get laser hair removal for my facial hair because that’s one of the biggest sources of dysphoria for me, but yknow. that’s expensive! according to my understanding my insurance supposedly should cover bottom surgery, but I’m honestly in no rush to get that. I don’t really have much bottom dysphoria, but it would be nice to get surgery some day

14. How long have you been out?

it’s been about a year and two months now...... time flies

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

up until I was like 17 I was incredibly insistent on being cis and straight despite very obvious (in retrospect) signs to the contrary. around 18 I was very confused why all my friends were lgbt in some form and also I kinda started realizing I don’t mind dick, and I thought it would all make sense if I was bi. I identified as cis and bi for like 4 years or so but the longer it went on the more wrong it felt considering I had never once during that time been attracted to a man

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?

surprisingly not really? the most transphobia I’ve experienced has been a result of automated processes like proctored testing or emails. of course, I’ve seen all the nasty shit that terfs say about people like me, but I’ve never been a victim of it directly

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

if there is a universal restroom that I can lock from inside then I use that. if not, I sigh dramatically and sadly use the men’s room

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?

truthfully I don’t know. my mom seems accepting enough, but with the pandemic going on I haven’t talked to her much. I know my sister is aware, and shockingly she seems supportive too, but we haven’t talked about it in depth

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

if I could go stealth I would. I’m sorry but I don’t want to be visibly trans

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

the sooner you start transitioning the happier you’ll be. by denying this part of yourself you’re just making yourself miserable

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?

she/her makes me happiest. I’ve (against my will, mind you) used they/them and been called molsno in a group that I wasn’t out in, and..... it made me feel..... distant, I guess? it was better than he/him, but it felt much less personal

22. Do your neurodivergencies and/or disabilities affect your gender?

I mean...... yeah? as a trans lesbian it’s very easy for me to hate masculinity given how it’s instilled nothing but negative feelings in me literally my entire life, and being autistic makes it harder to understand how the things I say about gender negatively impact the people around me

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

the fear that I may never be able to believe I can be loved as a woman, probably

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

coming out nearly everywhere and getting on hrt!

25. What do you wish cis people understood?

I desperately wish cis people understood even the basics of trans issues. still to this day many cis people don’t even know the right terminology to use for trans people. they think “trans man” and “trans woman” mean the opposite of what they actually mean and that’s just so goddamn frustrating. many of them think transitioning is just bottom surgery and that’s it. like, they don’t know anything about hrt. cis people please educate yourselves on trans issues I’m begging you

26. What impact has being trans had on your life?

it’s affected many aspects of my life but I think the biggest one is that I feel like a person now. I always felt like a robot, or like someone putting on a performance before, but I feel like a human being now

27. What do you do to validate yourself?

ummm... not much really. I guess one thing that has helped is making my character astrid trans? because if I ever think something bad about myself I can stop myself and ask if I would think the same thing about her, and of course the answer is no.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?

it’s bad. trans women very rarely get any positive representation. like the only transfem characters that come to mind that I think were handled well were lily hoshikawa from zombieland saga and vivian from paper mario (although even that’s debatable given the english censorship about her gender and the way beldam abuses her in japanese). meanwhile nonbinary representation consists almost exclusively of aliens, shapeshifters, robots, etc. and trans men get literally nothing. like. trans representation is just so abysmal it’s not even funny

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?

umm....... I don’t really care about celebrities lol. if I were to answer this question it would be “oh yes I’ve heard of these people”

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

gosh, how could I ever decide? most of my friends are trans so it’s hard to say but if I had to answer.... my friends kyra and modeus were probably the most helpful when I was figuring myself out

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

mostly online

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

I’ll almost certainly still be a woman, and hopefully my transition will have gone well enough that I’ll be able to pass

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?

healthcare. the difficulty so many people face with getting access to trans healthcare is ridiculous and discriminatory. I’ve written essays for school about this topic and they were the easiest essays I’ve had to write because of how passionate I am about this

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

pick your head up queen/king/royal, your cat ears are falling down

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

well I’m white, able bodied, average weight, and I’m about to get a degree in computer science, so I have a lot of privilege that other trans people don’t have. I fully recognize that. it breaks my heart that so many less privileged trans people, particularly trans women of color, are murdered and never even get the justice they deserve. I wish there was more I could do to stop it, but privileged as I am, I’m only one person. I want everyone to be aware of who the major victims of transphobia are. look out for black trans women especially, they need your protection and support most of all

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

not much. I’m a woman with a very feminine gender expression, when I’m free to be. the biggest feminine thing that I don’t do is makeup, but that’s more due to dysphoria rather than a distaste for it

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

feminine uwu

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I am a lesbian and that is very epic of me. I love girls and seeing girls in love makes me happy and imagining myself as a girl in love with another girl makes me even happier

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

I always hate admitting this, but due to personal reasons, my ideal partner is cis. this is mostly because I very much want to have biological children, and that’s simply not possible with another trans woman. I wouldn’t rule out an afab nonbinary person entirely, it just really depends on how comfortable said person is with femininity and also how they feel about dating a lesbian. if not for my desire to have kids (which is not something I’m willing to compromise on since it has been my lifelong dream) I would have a lot more options. truth be told, cis women kind of scare me, and it would be so much easier to date someone who fundamentally understands what it’s like to be trans. but biology is cruel unfortunately

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

it was incredibly difficult. thankfully, it didn’t last very long. I only had to wait about 6 months, and most of that time was spent waiting until I was able to bank sperm because I didn’t want to risk becoming permanently infertile after starting hrt

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

ngl...... reddit. the trans boards have many, many helpful resources for transfem people. I don’t really go there anymore but it was immensely helpful in the early stages

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I mean..... yeah, but not very much anymore on account of the pandemic. I made a few trans friends junior year of college and we still talk occasionally, but it’s been several months since I last saw them all

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?

not really 😔

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.

“Wow Vivi how come you’re so epic?”

I was born this way <3

#personal

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juleswolverton-hyde · 6 years ago

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Between the pages | 03

Genre: fluff, angst, romance, smut, Werewolf AU, Bookshop AU

Pairing: alpha!Namjoon x human!Reader

Warning: Mention of knotting/mating, a conflicted angry Joon.

Summary: Sometimes we find by sheer luck what we lost between the pages. The retrieval, however, is not always as fortunate.

Previous part / Masterlist / part 4 (yet to be written)

Inhibition has come to form a steady aspect of a life full of oppression, whether it be in the form of thoughts about a dearly missed loved one or unspoken words about an inevitable event. All are elements of the mental cage a fortunate woman was distanced from just in time, the second drowsy murmurs started to transform into murring, the disguise of the thing within regardlessly hoping happiness could be found somewhere far out of its reach.

Just in time to remain blind to the monster.

Be safe from the unconscious influence of nature always triggered first by a splendid persevering brother who also falls into bestial primitivity once a month howbeit in a much more controlled fashion than the youngest shame of the bloodline.

From a murderous lustful renegade.

And that same silver perpetrator now stares out over the calmly flowing river mirroring the rays of the sun on a rare bright day, zoning out to the occasional sharp sparkle that distracts all focus from the boiling bad temper and painful stings in the nether region which will only worsen once the monthly “season” starts anew. Is lost in the scent of inked pages that were once read together after class and on dates that seem so long ago if not part of one of the many surrounding tales, completely ignoring the psychiatric alpha earning some money on the side as a barista as broad shoulders are shook with an urgent request for a shift in attention.

‘Namjoon! Have you been listening at all?’ A mirthless though relieved grimace forms on the elder brown wolf’s long handsome face when hazy eyes revert from agitated crimson to espresso, regaining a sense of reality as gazes lock while absent fingers continue to fidget with the iron necklace from which a platinum wedding band dangles. The ring that will never bond with moonstone. ‘Of course, you haven’t. Look, Monie, I know you’re thinking of her as per usual when you stand here instead of actually running the store and can smell on you that your rut is going to start soon, but even so, we really need to talk.’

There is no energy to wage a verbal war despite the anger of the creature within, eager to lash out with claws at being provoked while the man forming its host manages to sedate it at the cost of increased exhaustion but a triumph of civilization. However, before starting on the inevitable topic, a habitual question is asked regardless of the never-changing negative reply to it. ‘Any word of Tae?’

‘You know how it goes, nothing. No new trails nor news. He’s out there somewhere doing fine, I’m sure. We have to hope so.’ An encouraging squeeze in a broad shoulder clad in an earthly colourful loose Mexican-style poncho consoles the melancholic hate-stained thought about the cousin turned away by the family simply for being an omega. A mere boy who was kicked out by parents who were supposed to love their only son unconditionally but easily discarded the blonde boy upon finding out amber would never turn into ruby. It is because of them Tae Tae ran away and vanished without a trace, could be dead for all that is known since childish naivety can become the cause for fatal errors.

Where are you? Please be alright. Please be okay wherever you are, buddy. You were the only other one who actually understood what it is like to be different. To be an outcast.

There is not much time to contemplate the loss of the relative with the odd square smile who was taught reading by a kid who would grow up to be a black-hearted killer, because Hoseok already moves on to the next sensitive topic of debate. ‘Joon, I went to the hospital recently and-’

‘I changed Jungkook, I know. Heard the story over breakfast thanks to Jin.’ Full lips pull back into a snarl, baring stark white teeth with a low self-loathing growl at the thought of having ruined the life of the shy cherry red-haired boy working as a waiter in the restaurant run by the head of the river territory who has strangely always idolized a mere beastly bookseller. Pulled strength from his words when dropping by to ask for tutoring for the seemingly hopeless exams of the high school he just graduated from. Kept doing so because he wanted to make his girlfriend, a really nice girl who is a few years older than him and is in the second year of the study of the mind, proud. But the mentor let the apprentice down in the most terrible of ways possible. ‘I’m a monster, a hazard, a fucking disgrace. I should be put down.’

Bony fingers now enclose both upper arms, demanding a revision of the statement out of fear for the asylum that would rightfully put an end to an endless war. ‘Don’t say that. We’ll think of something, do a bit more research to strengthen your medication. Jungkook’s girlfriend asked me to provide him with therapy so I’ll make sure he’ll go through the changing process as flawlessly as possible and keep you out of sight of The Council.’ The anxiety increases further at seeing the disbelief in an attitude knowing very well there is only so long one can run for justice, for a sane mind to remain separated from the abomination which grows more visceral by the day, for help to actually provide a solution. ‘Please say you don’t have the gun anymore.’

Until, one day, only a bullet helps.

’Joon, say you don’t. That’s not what Y/N would want for you.’ Something is off about the scent of amiable panicked irises, weird in the worried tone of speech. ‘She would support you and find a way. Help us find a way to do something about being a Renegade. Think of her, Monie. Of the ring. She’s out there somewhere and you will get married one day. And what of your brother, of Seokjin? He basically raised you on his back. And what of me? I can’t run this place on my own because I don’t know the summary of every book on the shelves. We’ll find a way and put this situation to rest properly.’

Flowers, but one sort in particular.

Tulips in summer.

‘How can you say that when her perfume is on you?’ The deformed mouth now clearly shows sharp canines, a mad frenzy ignited by smelling the wife who had to be saved from a monster on the other alpha cloaking vision in a scarlet haze as fingers mould into fists, nails digging into the palms to have a weak link to sanity.

But to no avail.

The tables turn, one hand distorted with rage grabbing the collar of a neatly ironed alabaster shirt and pulling the stunned earth-toned wolf with thin-rimmed glasses closer so that every growled word can be heard crystal clear in the air filled with the smell of freshly baked bread and her. ‘Answer me, goddammit. Why is my wife’s perfume on you? Did you fuck her, hm? Given her pups while you know she’s mine?’

The tinkling of the bell at the front door goes accompanied by a fresh alluring wave of the characteristic reminiscent scent also present on a lying bastard, distracting the mind just enough with alluring calming flashbacks to times gone by for Hoseok to once more turn the tide when a small step is set in the direction of temptation.

Y/N. She... she’s here. She finally came back to me, to her alpha.

The hold on the neatly ironed fabric is rapidly broken off by meticulously prying digits loose and turning the formerly offending arm on the spine after flipping a powerful wolf only now stupidly aware of the sudden attack, each endeavour to break free nullified with every ounce of available strength maintaining the locked position against the window behind the counter.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ A protesting wriggle proves as futile as the enemy’s had before, solely resulting in another grunt from the barely older colleague clearly thinking above his status. ‘Let me go!’

‘And let you walk up to her like this? You’re almost suffocating me monthly with pheromones so imagine what it would do to her.’ The unconsciously emitted hormones strengthen the chances of finding a proper omega partner to see the rut with through, intensifying every emotion and touch with the trance-like state it induces in both the lover and the mate. Although not everyone always appreciates the enhanced scents for to some they are unappealing, to put it politely. Regardless, due to the prohibition of werewolf-human relationships, very little is known of what it does to a person without the magnificent power of old but considering their obvious lesser strength, it is likely they shall submit earlier than the average she-wolf. Other effects remain in the undiscovered field of myth and legend.

‘She’s my wife!’ The view changes from the bright clear spring river to wood supporting stacks of newly arrived books that have yet to be categorized and priced, pinned down on the counter by the cursed mongrel bearing the scent of the gorgeous lady already bound to an alpha from a proud ancient line yet tried to be claimed by another.

‘And she is human.’ The unimportant fact is growled through gritted teeth. Just another supposedly good reason to not meet the woman who should have become the mother of my pups a long time ago, when the force within awakened for the first time after a date in the lush green park nearby the shining river. She would have looked lovely on all fours underneath the long fingers of the willow tree at the waterside of the central pond, flowy dress imprinted with summer cherries hiked up enough to allow her alpha, me, to pump her full while wrists were pinned to the soft young grass.

The heat within worsens at the imagery as the rut painfully signals with restrained by denim twitches that the incredible fantasy can still be lived if only the current situation can be escaped and Y/N retrieved before going somewhere private. Although, with the sensual cravings coming more and more to a boiling point on the brink of an uncontrollable explosion, it is likelier the beautiful woman who was idiotically left behind will first be knotted on the ground.

Floral footsteps head towards the literary section in the back of the shop, removing themselves from a loving husband. Never again will the same mistake be made, that small hand let go of. It shall only be so when having to take over the task of carrying our son or daughter or both around.

Only then.

‘So what? I’m not allowed to even greet her? She’s not yours, bastard. She’s mine. My mate.’ Claws already begin to form where wrists are held captive, canines tangibly pressing against the tongue having greater difficulty with each encompassing second spend in rage, mere moments away from starting a fight as glorious wolves and putting the offender back in place.

If alive at all.

First, an easy battle since the strength of the opponent will be weakened by trying to act above social standing and then, at last, can true lovers be united and form a family. A pack.

I’ll mate her, right there against the poetry bookshelves. We’ll be together, baby. I promised you we’d be.

‘Joon, listen to me.’ A short lifting and harsh downfall onto the wood once more make a furious ruby stare shift attention from hidden loveliness to irritating commands supposedly made with reason. Made by a traitor laying claim to the mistress of another. ‘Listen. To. Me. I know this isn’t you talking, it’s the wolf on his rut, and you’re actually somewhere in there.’

‘Stop the bullshit. This is me. I’m here.’ Nothing but a true person, the rightful second-in-line for the position of the heir of the Kim family and leadership of the river district, is being held down.

Nothing but a man merely wanting to see his estranged spouse.

‘No, you’re not. Namjoon, normally you’re capable of suppressing the symptoms better. I know you can do it, so come back. Snap out of it! Y/N can’t know what you are and you want to keep it that way, emphasizing this by living unmated while still worrying about her. Remember how you’ve tried thus far, successfully, to keep her away from wolf society. Think about the rings.’ Hoseok’s voice lowers to a more peaceful version of itself at noticing the relaxation of tensed shoulders, the ceasing of endless barely containable struggles, the growling fading away into pained whimpers. ‘Your vows, think about them.’

I swore, dammit, what did I swear again? What does it matter? This is who, not who I am. It matters. Fuck, I need to recall. Right, to protect you against them. Against the thing inside even if it meant I’d never see you again. That, someday, I’d be a better man, fit to be your husband. Yours, in every aspect.

Scarlet fades away into deep earthly brown like the forest floor after a twilight filled with rainfall, the shade of the espressos drunk on book dates in this very realm of inked tales bound in a sea of colourful named spines. Razor sharp canines retreat in the gums, replaced by their human counterparts as fatal claws do the same but in the flesh of calloused hands. Speech is restored to baritone coherency, no animalistic trace left behind. ‘Hope, I- what I just- I didn’t mean anything of what I just said. I’m sorry, for what it’s worth after all the times I’ve acted like this.’ The gaze of the personification of the support pillar of the common sense that gets lost too often in the mind of the beast is sought, finding consenting comfort in it as the tight suppressing hold is lifted. ‘I really am.’

‘I know and, besides, you’re very unoriginal with your insults so I tend to ignore them anyway.’ As a way of making up for the rough treatment, clothes are righted by long tanned bony fingers, straightening out the creases and other signs of struggle while also clearly being aware of the boiling heat emanating from the skin underneath the fabric.

When they are finished with polishing, arms are crossed as a long face nods in the direction of the small back room functioning as a wardrobe and storage for new arrivals, back-up copies and second-hand novels which have yet to be sorted onto the shelves. ‘Wait there until she is gone. I don’t know, read a book or something, but whatever you do, try to stay in control. I have some of your medication in my bag, in the front pocket. It won’t really help, but it’ll suppress the symptoms for a while. Once she’s gone, you’re going home and I’ll manage the shop for the rest of the day. Should be easy enough, considering the stream of customers is... well, small.’

Tempting summer tulips are spread by innocent unmated fingers wandered to the fiction section where they are now leaving through a roman, conjuring up the earlier determination seducing the mind to give up sense in favour of true love.

So close, just a few steps away.

The heat encourages bridging the distance, rush to beloved lips that have never been forgotten, let temporary reason fade away into contact. Precisely like the voice falling away into absent-minded dreaming. ‘I’m... I’m just going to say hello.’

A firm hand on the richly decorated fabric of the suffocating cardigan makes the unconscious step forward undone, endeavouring to guide a stony resisting silver wolf to loathsome confinement again. ‘Joon, don’t.’

A pathetic whimper falls from full lips, partially out of the enhanced longing for the moonstone lady and in part due to the continuous stream of sharp stings of pain in the region below. ‘Please, let me see her. I’ll behave, I promise.’

‘I can’t let you do that, Monie.’

‘I can control it. Please, I need to see her.’ Shortly, focus briefly shifts to the light brown eyes of the caretaker of the contained yet mighty dominant creature below the surface wanting to be like any guy on the street. ‘Look at me. See? No crimson eyes. I can do this, Hoseok.’

The wolf wants Y/N too. It won’t hurt her nor will I. What am I saying? I am the wolf and she is safe with me.

A negative shake of brown locks lighting up bronze in the sunlight falling in through the window makes teeth grit because of apparently not being convincing enough despite having proven to not be a risk. And if the gesture did not stress this, the stern tone upon speaking does. ‘You just proved you can’t, Namjoon. Do what I just told you to. Wait in the storage room and take the pills. If you don’t, you’ll be a danger to us all and you know that. Do the right thing. I don’t want to see you disappear into the asylum.’

I won’t. I’m fine, normal. In perfect control.

‘But it’s Y/N, my wife, my mate...’

‘I know, but you can’t approach her like this. At least we know she’s back in town so I’ll ask around and see what the district leaders have to say, find out where she has settled so you can meet privately when the rut has passed.’ Another attempt at going towards reminiscent flowers moved to the thriller section is halted, this time to much annoyance which is answered with a laborious though resigned sigh. ‘Stop it. Deep within you also know you can’t.’

Sharp predatory canines.

Bloodthirsty ruby.

Burning unconvincing hatred.

‘I can! Have got any fucking idea how much it hurts, huh? Know what it’s like to be unmated and going through Hell each month while your brother is nauseatingly happy with his girlfriend, able to knot his mate, continue the bloodline?’ At this point, the political consequences are the least of worries compared to those attached to walking away once more, thus making the same idiotic mistake as five years ago. However, it goes beyond having a reunion as well since this is also about showing that the second ashen-haired heir is not as much of a disgrace to the family as they have made him feel. Can be the father to the strong alpha pups of the next generation, who shall be even better than their parents.

‘Yes, I do because I experienced it once as well, though it sometimes still feels like it.’ Lashes lower in the belated realization that both alphas have a partner which is not approved of, nullifying the argument given earlier that contact between a crazed wolf and human cannot happen due to well-known apparent risks connected to it. Although, how can something that brings pleasure and relief from sensual pain have any other outcome, have repercussions when it only ensures the continuation of the dynasty? ‘Jimin can’t keep up with me already as is and I’m not part of an ancient pack. However, that does not mean my experience can’t form somewhat of a warning.’

The detail of familiar perfume on the bisexual alpha’s skin was almost forgotten yet freshly remembered thanks to the topic of debate. ‘You haven’t answered the question about how my wife’s scent ended up on your skin, said whether or not you fucked her.’

‘Of course, I haven’t because I’m a good friend and have been serving the Kim family loyally. It’s a curious thing I keep forgiving you for the amount of bullshit you can spout when you’re like this.’

The provoked fist lashing out is easily avoided, a slender palm wrapping around the forearm as quick as hunting paws and forcing a silver awesome creature into the unwavering locking position with a cheek against the counter again. ‘Listen for a second.’

A disagreeing growl owns a choked grunt at an attempt to maintain the current position while dearly missed footsteps return to the poetry section, come closer. The brown-haired mongrel seems to notice the tracking, resulting in an enforced surprisingly strong grip. ‘Listen to me. Joon! Listen. To. Me. A new bakery has opened in town and I go there each morning for a cup of coffee before coming here. Luck would have it that Y/N is the owner of the place and present to help the employees out wherever possible. We’ve been negotiating a collaboration between the shop and bakery for a few days now, merely talking about assortment and delivery schedules. That’s the reason. I wouldn’t lie to you. Happy now?’

A difficult look over the shoulder wants to see the lie behind the words, a reason to deal with the fake comrade that will leave him shunned and forgotten in the hierarchy, but all scarlet eyes regard is honest truth pleading for a sliver of sane conscious floating beneath the surface of the split personality to recognize it.

Which the resurfaced humanity does when the normally sunny long-time companion continues when remarking upon a repercussion that was discussed earlier at the breakfast table. ‘If this keeps happening it will only be a matter of time before the Council finds out about your state and send you to the asylum. Think about Seokjin, about me, about her. You will never see any of us again if you don’t fight for control.’

‘I- I know and I try. But, I can’t think clearly.’ Teeth grit themselves at another spurt of scorching warmth shooting throughout, worsening the capability of returning from mindless animalistic behaviour, deteriorating reason with every passing second. ‘Hobi, it hurts...’

Need to mate, need to fuck. Where did the tulips go? They’re still poetic. My beautiful bitch needs her alpha. No, can’t think this way. I’d break Y/N, can’t love her right when the thing inside craves her too.

‘I know, Joon, I know.’ All former caution fades from Hoseok’s attitude, replaced by the persevering calm that tries to be maintained during chaotic moments like these. ‘I’m gonna let go now, okay? I trust you to do the right thing.’

The paralyzing hold unravels, palms placed on the counter offering support while getting up to roll shoulders back before sullenly wandering to the storage room, a hand sheepishly correcting ashen locks grown haphazard in the struggles for liberty that must never be given to the oppressed thing roaming inside. Withal, feet only curtly stop in the crack of the door to gaze in the direction from which familiar eyes surprisingly look back yet are too rapidly turned away from, the door closed too soon, to instigate any sense of recognition.

We can’t be together. Not now, in any case. Someday I won’t have to walk away anymore, someday we can finally get married and I get to kiss you good morning and goodnight. Someday a place of our own will be filled with childish laughter and little paws. Until then, I’m sorry, baby.

The dusty fragrance of pages inscribed with tales of the fantastical, some of which have always been believed to merely be the conjurations of fancy though the underground society would beg to differ, makes a wild heart slow down. Clears sense enough to search the bright cherry red backpack which has “Hope” written in colourful letters on the front pocket and is tucked against a stack of new publications for the wolfsbane medicine.

Two small stark white pills containing a sedating poison for the abomination induce the same brief haze they always do, giving the split mind the breathtaking room it needs to function properly as a human, be like any other man out there.

Simply be allowed to play the role of the bookseller by the river.

Wallowing in the scent of a forgotten summer behind a firmly closed locked door.

Nonetheless, memories tend to resurface.

And this particular one comes too close.

#BTS #BTS smut #kimnamjoonnet #hyunglinenetwork #Namjoon #RM #Kim Namjoon #Joon #Werewolf!Namjoon #alpha!Namjoon #BTS Werewolf AU #Werewolf AU #Between the Pages

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psyched2b · 6 years ago

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One Touch - Part Three - Soulmate AU

Note: This is a soulmate AU that when you first touch someone, you feel tingles all over your body and your soulmate can channel different emotions through the bond. In this piece, the reader is not originally aware of soulmates.

A/N: This is dedicated to @mermaidxatxheart. You is kind, you is special, and you is important.

P.S. Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated.

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Mild panic attack(s), Description of Accident, Swearing

Recap:

Sam was the first to break, his face breaking out into a look of unease and uncertainty. “Yeah, about that...you can’t leave because you’re supposedly dead.”

Panic blossomed in your chest. Was this hell?

“Jesus, Sam. You’re going to scare her,” Bucky growls, fingers twitching, itching to smack his comrade upside the head. He then turns his attention to you, an apologetic look. “He doesn’t mean that you’re actually dead. What he means is that we ran your DNA through a database and that the only match we found matched that of a four-year-old who died in a car accident twenty years ago.”

“With your name,” Sam finished.

“I’m sorry, but what the fuck did you just say?”

You feel yourself reeling and you stagger against the wall. This is just too much, you think to yourself. Your chest feels like it’s collapsing in on itself and you feel yourself gasping for air. You lean forward, place your hands on your knees and let your head hang down. This was absolutely crazy. Your thoughts are racing, trying to make sense of this mess.

You recognized the accident that they were talking about. You knew all about it. It was the accident that claimed the lives of your parents and brother. Except, you had survived.

What kind of sick joke is this?

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay.” You look up, still panting, to see that Bucky was crouched in front of you, his blue-grey eyes watching you with concern and empathy. “Just breathe in, breathe out. Follow me.” He exaggerates his breathing, in through his nose, out his mouth, chest lifting with every breath.

You mimic his actions and you can feel your heart rate slow and your breaths become more even and regulated. Your thoughts began to slow down and you felt more steady.

Your mind clears and you realize something. This is all in your head.

You were in an accident. Not the one from twenty years ago that claimed the lives of your family, but more recently.

You had been on your way home from work, having just received a promotion to partner in your law firm. You were crossing a bridge over a highway when a coworker sent you a text. Distracted, you hadn’t realized that you swerved into the next lane over until a semi-truck was blaring its horn at you. Shocked, you dropped the phone and jerked the wheel in an attempt to get out of the way, but it was too late. The semi clipped your side of the car, sending your car spinning into the guardrail. The cement guard broke on impact and your car went tumbling over the side. You remember a broken piece of concrete crashing through your windshield and hit you in the head before your car smashed into the highway below.

You know that there is no logical explanation for how you could have survived. Either this is the afterlife or this is your brain trying to protect you from the trauma.

Trying to figure it out right now was futile.

You take a deep breath to settle yourself once again and you feel the tension leave your body. You brush the invisible dirt off your hands, stand up straight, and turn to face Sam and Bucky.

In an eerily calm voice, you say, “I’m good now.”

Bucky and Sam share a worried look, but otherwise, don’t question it. Sam goes over to Bucky and whispers something in his ear that Bucky gives a nod to in response, both not taking their eyes off of you.

“Well,” Sam drawls out, stuffing his hands into his pockets, “As much fun as this shindig is, I’m going to...go do...things.” And without a further goodbye, takes off out the door.

You look to Bucky, raising an eyebrow in question of Sam’s strange actions, but otherwise, don’t say anything. He just shrugs, not offering any explanation before saying, “Let’s go on a tour.”

Bucky heads down the hall, not looking back to see if you would follow.

You stand there for a minute, debating whether to follow along or try to make a run for it. Since you had no idea the layout of the building or knowledge of what Bucky’s skills were, you erred on the side of caution and decided to chase after him, catching up in just a few steps.

He leads you through the building, pointing out different areas of interest, but you aren’t paying much attention. Instead, you’re lost in your thoughts.

The one thing you were certain of is that you crashed off of a bridge and that you had hit your head. Logically, this reality that you were in was just a projection your mind is giving you in order to protect you from the real trauma. What you couldn’t figure out is if this’ was just some play-by-play of some deep set fantasy. You were never someone who had been into Marvel Comics, nor were you the type to romanticize relationships. Yet you were in New York, surrounded by bickering idiots, and had Captain America claiming to be your soulmate.

Trying to make sense of anything was giving you a massive headache.

Instead, you turn to face the mountain of a man. "So, how come Sam called you grandpa? Is that a kink of yours or something?"

Bucky stops walking, turns around to look down at you, and gives you an amused look. "He thinks it's so funny just because I was born in 1917."

What the fuck? You think to yourself, but manage to keep a straight face. "Well, you should tell me what skin care product you use because you don't look a day over twenty-five."

“Skip the ageing cream,” he comments casually, starting to walk down the hall again. “If you want to stay this fresh, I recommend experimentation by either German scientists or terror groups. Really does wonders for the body.” He pauses, tapping his chin with a silver finger, feigning that he was deep in thought. “Oh! And being frozen either in ice or cryogenically. That helps too.” He gives off a sardonic laugh, shaking his head at himself.

His response makes you pause, needing a moment to process everything that was just said. A half second later, you give a small shake of your head, clearing it. “Sounds realistic.”

Bucky comes up on an unmarked door, stopping and turned to give you a smile. “Yeah, we’re an interesting bunch.” He doesn’t leave room for you to comment, quickly changing the subject. “Do you like to read?”

“Are you implying that there are people who don’t like to?” you retort, crossing your arms over your chest, raising an eyebrow at him.

He lets out a little laugh before opening the door and gesturing you in.

You’re in awe. Never in your life had you seen so many books in one room beside in a library. Without further invite from Bucky, you rush forward to the first group of shelves and begin to peruse the section. Your eyes go over the classical literature that was sitting before you, flickering through the many titles. Glancing over at Bucky, you point to a certain book and ask, “Can I grab one to read?”

Bucky comes up over your shoulder to see what you were pointing at and gives you a look of surprise. “You want to read Animal Farm over some trashy romance novel?” he questions in a skeptical tone. You nod in affirmation and he just shrugs. “Go crazy.”

With a smile, you pull the book out from its spot and turn to face Bucky. Giving him a quick pat on the head, you happily skip over to where a group of plush armchairs are and plop down in one of them and immediately begin to read. Bucky grabs his own book from the same shelf and you glance over the cover of yours to see it was The Picture of Dorian Gray. Seems like you weren’t the only one who like classical literature.

You’re only half a chapter in when Bucky speaks up. “What do you do for a living?”

You look up from your book, quirking an eyebrow. “Are you going to ask me what my favorite color is next?”

Bucky rolls his eyes at your sassy response and closes his book, setting it down in his lap. “I am curious what life looks like for normal people.” He pauses, glancing at you sideways. “Normal being a relative term.”

His last comment has you snorting. “Yeah, who’s normal anymore these days? Normal is boring.” You dog ear your page and close the book. “I work as a child psychologist. It’s….a difficult job. Not a lot of people want to work with children just because every single child is different. Adults are arguably easier because they can articulate their thoughts and feelings better whereas children, you have to be incredibly intuitive. There are only three of us in the county where I’m from, but I had just received word that I was given funding to start a larger program…one where I’m in charge of recruiting other child psychologists, developing family groups, teaching my ways of treating these children and so on and so forth.”

Bucky was silent. When you looked up, you were amused at the awestruck look on his face.

“What, cat got your tongue?” You tease.

He shakes his head in disbelief. “Not at all, doll. I’m just...that’s amazing. I can’t believe how far we’ve come from locking up people in looney bins.”

“Primitive asses,” you mutter, pinching the bridge of your nose. “It’s still not perfect, people wanting to medicate their children at any sign of not being immediately compliant, but at least we don’t shame and degrade them.” You allow yourself a deep sigh and change the topic. “Anyways, what do you do?”

“I keep Captain America from getting into too much shit,” Bucky chuckles, getting a fond look on his face. “That man has no sense of self-preservation but, he comes from a good place. You wouldn’t believe it looking at him now, but he was a scrappy little punk back in the day. Didn’t matter, I was constantly pulling him off of guys three times his size. I always told him I looked forward to 70 years down the line when he wouldn’t be picking fights anymore. I shouldn’t be surprised that’s not the case.”

You take note of his “back in the day” story to investigate further at a later time. “Bucky, do you have a man crush on Captain America?,” you ask in a teasing tone, raising an eyebrow in mock speculation.

Bucky just laughs, “Steve’s a good guy, but he’s not my type.”

Before you could respond, you hear a knock on the door followed by a familiar face walking in.

Steve Rogers stands by the door awkwardly, rubbing his hands together in a nervous manner as he looks to you.

Bucky looks over and his face splits into a large smile. Stomping his feet on the ground, he gracefully leaps up from the couch and heads to Steve, grabbing him in a quick hug before pulling away. “Steve! Glad you could make it! I’m going to go catch up with Mama Red Wing!” He then turns to you and nods a goodbye. “I’ll see you around.” And with that, he’s out the door.

Traitor, you think, slightly irritated he just left you alone with this man who was notorious for making outrageous claims.

You’re sorely tempted to ignore Steve’s presence and just continue reading, but Steve had this pathetically soft look on his face and you find yourself taking pity on the man. “You can come take a seat, I don’t bite.” Hard.

Steve takes the invitation and walks over, moving surprisingly graceful for a man of his size and stature, and claims the same chair Bucky had previously occupied that faced you.

He sits there and stares at you for a moment in silence and you take the opportunity to check him out yourself. You have to admit to yourself that he’s a very attractive man for a delusional person. Then again, you've always been a sucker for blond hair and blue eyes. A part of you wonders what that says about you, that you created this gorgeous man and he's completely insane and supposedly your soulmate.

Steve clears his throat and gives you a nervous smile. “I imagine you have some questions?”

Tags for Everything: @mermaidxatxheart @bettercallsabs @thinkwritexpress-official

Tags for One Touch: @blackcat-midnight-thatsme @kittylovesfandom @angryteapot @chonisberonica @delusional-of-love @unknownuserhasjoined @toews-a-peek @dryerpet

*Can’t tag you

#One Touch #Steve Rogers #Captain America #Steve Rogers Soulmate #Soulmate AU #Captain America Soulmate #Steve Rogers x Reader #Captain America x Reader #Steve Rogers fanfic #Captain America Fanfic #Marvel #Marvel Fanfic

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bluephoenixdruidicprincess · 6 years ago

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Legacies 1x15, I’ll Tell You a Story -- Review

The end is nearly upon us, guys. We're almost done with Legacies Season One. We can see the finish line. This week we have 1x15, I'll Tell You a Story.

As always, this is a critical review. Legacies is not a show I think highly of. And also, there will be spoilers.

Well, holy crap, guys. You know how all this season I've been asking where is the show's plot? Well, apparently it was all jam-packed into this episode. But that doesn't make this episode "good". In fact, just the opposite. This episode had far too much going on, way too much was shoved into it, not nearly enough time was spent on anything. Really some of what happened in this episode should've been spread out a little more in this season. Here's a list of the stories that happened in this episode:

- The Malivore Backstory (it's incredibly convoluted, btw) - The Twins Co-Dependency Drama - Rafael's Mind Split - Alaric Fearing He Can't Control the School - Hope Trying to Figure Out How to Apologize to Landon - The Hope and Rafael Romance - Hope Tells Alaric to Spill the Beans on the Gemini Twins Merge

So yeah, entirely too much going on. Let’s talk about the thoughts I had on this episode.

First off, the adults in this school are idiots. They get a voicemail from Landon saying that he's gone on a camping trip to get in the right head-space and tells them to take care of Rafael and Jed. Hope rightfully points out that there's no way Landon would mention Jed, the guy who attacked him, and Alaric and the therapist think there's no hidden message in that. And also, they seem to not care that one of their precious students who literally had a known kidnapping attempt done on him just a day prior, they apparently don't think that's strange and maybe they should at least find out where Landon is "camping" to make sure he’s safe. I don't know how boarding schools typically work, but I'm pretty sure you can't up and leave without the headmaster at least investigating where you'll be. But of course, the adults needed to be willfully dumb in order for Hope's subconscious at the end of this episode to tell her that she should go after Landon.

And on the topic of Hope, can I just say I'm getting real sick of Hope treating her parents as if they're just vacationing in Europe or something and abandoned her at a boarding school. All season, Hope has been all, "Poor me! Everyone keeps on leaving me and I hate it!" Hope, listen to me. NO ONE LEFT YOU!!! THEY DIED!!!!!!! And furthermore, they died FOR YOU!!! Have a little respect for the people who loved you so much they were willing to sacrifice themselves to give you a chance at a good life. Sheesh, I'm getting really sick of Hope's Mary Sue victim complex. I can only hope this is a part of her character arc in truly coming to terms with her parents' deaths because it really doesn't feel like she has. And I also still can't believe this whole forced romance angle between Rafael and Hope is still going on. I don't ship them, I don't care about them, just stop. How is this in any way necessary to the story being told? It doesn't even create decent drama either. It just needlessly takes up time and is super boring to watch.

But we got some positivity here as well. We got this amazing line from Lizzie to Hope, "For once, your weird relationship with my dad actually comes in handy". Although, this is kind of a double-edged sword. On one side, it's great that the show is self-aware about it but on the other side, it means that Hope and Alaric's creepy relationship is potentially intentional which is painful to think about. Josie does a fair amount of pushing the blame on Lizzie and especially in saying something I find really difficult to just forgive Josie for. Upon hearing from Hope that Lizzie is starting to lose control again, Josie says it's Lizzie's fault because Lizzie chose to not take the medication. That she hasn't been taking the medication since the incident with zombie!Jo. Josie is literally shaming her sister for not wanting to take medication that makes her feel dead inside. I really hope this is a part of Josie's character development and she's going to feel bad for saying such an awful thing. And really, both girls have things they need to apologize for and I just hope it's going to be treated like that and less of Lizzie being treated as if she's a horrible person and she deserves everything she gets. Should she be more cognizant of her sister's feelings? Sure. But on the flip side, Josie has never once been honest about what she wants. Just expecting Lizzie to automatically know what Josie's feeling at all times is unfair to Lizzie. Lizzie didn't tell Josie about Penelope leaving because Josie never let on to her that she still cared about Penelope. Lizzie slept with Rafael because Josie never let on that Rafael was someone she wanted. Lizzie chose Hope to be the Miss Mystic Falls contestant and Josie never let on to Lizzie how disappointed she was. Can Lizzie work towards being more proactive about thinking about what her sister wants more? Sure, definitely. But Josie also needs to work on being more aggressive about the things she wants. And I'm really glad that at the very least, the show did put in Lizzie telling Josie that with co-dependency, it takes two. Lizzie may be dependent on Josie taking care of her but there's also Josie being too afraid to be her own person, hiding in Lizzie's shadow makes her feel safe because if no one can see her, that means she doesn't have to worry about people not liking the "real her". Josie was never forced into being Lizzie’s support beam, she could choose to walk away at any time but she doesn’t. The girls have a magic-off in which Josie wins. I'm sure people are interpreting that as Josie being the one to most likely win the merge but I don't really think it's all that conclusive. We've seen Lizzie's blowouts before and they can be quite destructive. And Lizzie wasn't in a full-scale blowout here. She was still very much trying to keep herself under control and it's a huge point for her to keep her magic under control around others. My own thought is that Lizzie was holding herself back as she does whenever she’s around others. That and I also don't believe the winner of the merge is entirely reliant on magical ability. I think another factor to consider is the innate strength, the foundation of a person (that doesn't necessarily reflect magical ability) plays a big role on who wins the merge. But at least Alaric has now told the twins about the merge so there's progress on that front.

In this episode, Alaric realizes that he's a human running a school full of supernatural creatures. And he got hurt during a whole vampire and werewolf stand-off. So he's talking with the therapist and she tells him that the only thing she can do to help is leave. Thereby leaving the faculty member to one person and 0 magical ability. I don't understand the logic here. And supposedly she does this to spur Alaric to ask Dorian to come back and I don't even know what it is Dorian does or how he in any way controls these students. But as far as the therapist leaving, that's of no real loss. She seemed like a pretty bad therapist to begin with. I don't know if she's legitimately helped a single student in that school that isn't Hope and I could make an argument that I don't think she's even really helped Hope.

So this episode gets a C-. Lots of stuff was happening but this episode was far too busy to leave you invested in anything.

#anti legacies #legatrash #lega-trash #lega trash

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thebibliomancer · 6 years ago

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Essential Avengers: Avengers #200: The Child is Father To...?

October, 1980

I kept dreading getting to this moment.

As the numbers ticked higher, I thought ‘well 200 is still a ways off’ but I knew it was coming.

Its not just that issue #200 is bad. Everybody knows its bad. Its the fact that everyone knows its bad.

As far as this series is about anything its about exposing how bonkers the Avengers comic could be for people less familiar with it.

But issue #200 is so infamous that I think a lot of people know about it, by reputation at least.

But I’ve been pitching pennies into the void so long, whats another 2 cents? This is just a speed bump on the way to more interesting things anyway.

She-Hulk will be joining the team soon. Tigra’s first stint on the team before that. There’s the fall of Yellowjacket and the albatross that Hank Pym will be wearing around his neck forever upcoming too. Moondragon returns to finally pay off the point of the Korvac Saga.

There’s a lot upcoming to get excited about.

So lets get through this... dear lord, its a double sized issue.

Right in the cover we can see the cracks underlying the story. Not just on the big 200, looking all weathered and damaged. Odd choice for a celebratory anniversary issue.

Also odd choice to have Iron Man and Hawkeye in a combat ready pose when the rest of the Avengers (except Vision. Always except Vision) are smiling and posing around the big cracked, damaged, rotten 200 like a publicity still.

Beast is even hanging out of it. Seductively.

Not right now, Beast. Read the room.

The point I’m trying to make is that there is a dissonance with this cover mood. Why are Iron Man and Hawkeye ready for action when everyone else is in a party mood?

The mood is just as confused in the book itself because it is a confused mess, designed out of committee, compromise, and with a stunning disregard for character. But I’ll get to that.

Also, perfect symmetry wasn’t really attainable here what with Thor and Captain America having significantly different profiles, but I’m annoyed that Yellowjacket wasn’t placed next to Vision so he’d mirror Wasp. You ruin everything, Yellowjacket.

Bit of a trivia: this cover was used as one of the covers for the Essential Avengers volumes. They cut out the big 200 to make it more general which honestly makes the cover look bland. Avengers posing around a big void for no reason.

Now lets get on with it.

“For generations the symbolic root values of the American people have been embodied in the phrase: ‘Mom, apple pie and the girl next door.’ Wars have been fought for these ideals; presidents have been elected over them. Obviously motherhood means a great deal to most Americans. So why, then, do these five heroes, these Avengers, seem upset that one of their own -- is about to give birth? Why is there excitement tinged with a subtle, subconscious shadow -- of fear?”

I think they would seem upset because Carol seems afraid and upset by the situation, became nine months pregnant in a matter of days, and has insisted that there is no possible father.

The real question is why there’s excitement at all? Finally showing some upset and fear is reading the mood but nothing explains this weird mood dissonance where the Avengers react to a mysterious accelerated pregnancy with ‘omg baby!!’

And the last issue ended with Dr. Donald Notthor Blake shouting in panic that Carol had gone into labor and its like nothing he’s ever seen. A good reason for the Avengers to be anxious and yet not really followed up on.

Unless. Oh god. Dr. Donald Notthor Blake really doesn’t have any obstetric experience and has no idea how to deliver a baby.

Thankfully, Jocasta is assisting him. She has cold hands and the precision of a computer so obviously she has excellent bedside manner.

Also, that first part of the narration sounds fake. I’m pretty sure the symbolic root values of the American people are ‘fuck you I don’t like taxes’ and ‘fuck you I want to own people.’

You think other countries don’t like motherhood and pie and geographically adjacent girls? Newsflash, a lot of people like those things. America is not special.

And why is this narration even playing over a scene where a woman is giving birth after being impregnated against her will or knowledge? Shooter, Perez, Layton and Micheline, what part of that sounds like the ideal of motherhood??

We are still on page one.

ALSO. Why does the medical examination laboratory have a big window the Avengers can look through to see their teammate giving birth?

And why are the Avengers pacing outside the door like anxious fathers-to-be?

Hawkeye even snarks about it when Captain America expresses worry.

This comic does not know what its mood should be. Will be a recurring complaint.

Captain America: “Sorry, Hawkeye, but I can’t help being a little nervous. I never thought I’d see the day a child would be born in Avengers Mansion.”

Iron Man: “I hate to put a damper on things, Cap, but it hasn’t been born yet -- and we’ve no assurance that it will even be a ‘child.’”

Mood dissonance. Cap: ‘omg baby!’ Iron Man: ‘More likely an alien’

Inside the medical room, Jocasta detects weirdness with her cybernetic senses. Maybe Ultron gave her an ultrasound when he built her.

Either way, despite my fully deserved mocking before, the real weird thing that made Dr. Donald Notthor Blake panic is that the birth is seemingly occurring without any trauma at all. No trauma and no pain? That ain’t right, per Dr. Donald Blake.

Second round of mocking aside, here’s a weird thing. Carol isn’t pushing at all. The whateveritis baby is just coming out all on its own.

But the baby boy is born and the peanut gallering Avengers all rush into the room to coo over him.

And while they gush about how tiny and cute the baby is and how he’ll be a quarterback when he grows up (???), Captain America asks Dr. Donald Blake to examine him thoroughly. Him the baby. Because Cap is finally realizing that something here isn’t natural. Like the fact that he was born after a three day gestation. For example.

Meanwhile, Jocasta has a weird epiphany about why Humans Are Special TM. A weird, almost Rose Quartzian epiphany.

Jocasta: “Look at them, Vision. Even under these bizarre circumstances, birth seems so... so natural to them. How incredible it must be to be born, to be small, to grow. Even with all their frailties, their weaknesses, I can’t help feeling that in this universe, humans are something very, very special.”

Vision: “It is life that is special, Jocasta -- in whatever form it takes.”

Do... do you think only humans give birth and grow up, Jocasta? Where do you think baby Inhumans, Skrulls, and Atlanteans come from? The Kree are supposedly test tube grown for maximum perfectness but they can still get pregnant. Bug on Star-Lord’s proto-Guardians of the Galaxy team was actually in jail for impregnating a Kree. Consensually. But the Kree have this weird thing about genetic purity. But also this weird thing about not evolving anymore. So maybe they should try crossbreeding with other alien races and see if that does anything for them.

I am getting off track.

Jocasta, you’re dumb. Humans Are Special posts tend to annoy me but this is the stupidest one yet, Jocasta. I still like you but stop.

Wasp realizes that Carol Danvers isn’t around also talking about how great the baby is and goes looking for her after being told that Wonder Man is taking her up to her room to rest.

And no surprise from Wasp who has been on the ‘baby yay!’ train the whole time but she is incredibly insensitive to Carol.

Wasp: “I just wanted to congratulate the proud parent. It’s really a beautiful baby, Carol. You’re so lucky to --”

Carol: “‘Lucky?!’ Wasp, think about what you just said! I’ve been used! That isn’t my baby! I don’t even know who the father is! So if you want to help me, please... just leave me alone.”

Sometimes this comic shows flashes of what may be self-awareness and I wonder if it knows how awful it is. But since Carol later apologizes for snapping at Wasp, no. No it does not.

Its red herring self-awareness. The worst kind.

Also, flashes of modern day Carol. That is the face of a woman who wishes there was something at hand to throw. Like a building.

Meanwhile, in the garden or courtyard of the mansion, Vision and Scarlet Witch do some relationship discussion.

Vision: “You seem calm, my wife, at ease with yourself.”

Scarlet Witch: “That’s because I am, darling. Ever since I reconciled my conflicting emotions concerning parenthood, I’ve not only felt more peaceful, but stronger as well.”

Vision: “Then you feel no regrets that we have produced no offspring?”

Scarlet Witch: “None that matter. A child’s a thing of fragile beauty, something that must be nurtured and protected. Like this rose... and the love we feel for each other. Which is, I’ve realized, the most important thing in my world.”

Vision: “And, my love, in mine.”

Aw. That’s nice.

Also nice is that the rose Scarlet Witch picks during this garden speech is a yellow matching Vision’s cape.

Even in the midst of this thisness, I like that we get a good character moment between Vision and Scarlet Witch. The good ol’ best ol’ Seeing Red ship.

Looking forward five years to the Vision and Scarlet Witch miniseries, these two actually do get to have kids. Granted, it happens after the two ragequit the Avengers because the government is suspicious of Vision after he tried to take over the world under the influence of an alien supercomputer. And magic is involved. And it gets undone by having the children be secretly parts of Mephisto but then it turns out that the kids are retroactively real kinda and are the Young Avengers Billy Kaplan and Speed.

Comics are complicated.

My point being. I like that when they didn’t have Avengers work to worry about, these two somehow immediately found a way to have the children they wanted. And I like that they had an mature, adult conversation about their expectations of their relationship before then.

Scarlet Witch and Vision are so good and a large part of me really hopes they get their own movie in the MCU that’s just. Weird stuff they deal with while trying to sort out their relationship.

Moving on.

During this conversation, Jocasta has been creepin’ like a creep from a second floor window.

Wasp spots her and asks if anything is wrong and Jocasta tells her that there’s just so much about human emotions that she doesn’t understand despite being based on Jan’s personality.

And Jan “Can’t Read The Mood” Van Dyne says something insightful.

Wasp: “Don’t worry, lady, you’re not alone. There’s still a lot about human emotions that we humans don’t understand.”

Also, I think this is the first interaction that Wasp and Jocasta have had.

I know things are probably awkward between them. But Vision and Wonder Man hashed their shit out to function socially around each other. I want more Jocasta and Wasp interaction.

I want more interaction between Jocasta and Scarlet Witch.

So far, Jocasta has mainly been about the dudes, minus an abortive attempt to make friends with Ms Marvel. She’s been trying to make friends or more with Vision a lot. And I get the logic behind that. If anyone gets where she’s at its him but also he’s too wrapped up in him to get where she’s at. But here’s the thing. It just comes across as another Vision-Wanda-Other Woman love triangle.

Give Jocasta girl friends. Or a girlfriend. But definitely girl friends.

Also, Wasp got another new outfit and this one isn’t terrible. I think she got it a couple issues ago but I was preoccupied. Good job, Wasp. You remembered that pants should have both legs.

Meanwhile, Beast and Hawkeye play pool in the rec room.

This is another very good character moment.

Hawkeye has won two games, making two malteds that Beast owes him. Hawkeye is very good at pool because you just pick up on these tricks when you’re a carny. Obviously.

He suggests a third game, double or nothing. And loser gets to shoot first.

But first, Beast pulls out a calculator. A TI-59, in fact. And does a little trigonometry.

And while Hawkeye is protesting that pool isn’t something you learn in math class, its a game of skill and instincts, Beast takes a single shot and sinks every ball.

Because, yup, this whole time Beast was hustling the hustler.

In fairness, you have to be pretty good at pool in the x-mansion. Cyclops is just super good at it and is probably a real sore winner.

Beast tries to get Hawkeye to play again, this time for a year’s salary but Hawkeye says “I only need to get burnt once to know a fire is hot!”

Anyway, I’m glad that some of this issue’s bloated page count went towards this nice little moment.

But with no forthcoming pool game, Beast decides to check in on the main plot with the vidcom intercom.

Apparently in the last hour, the baby has grown to the size and maturity of a two year old child.

So the accelerated growth is accelerating. He was aging three months a day and now he aged two years in an hour. Maybe he’ll age to skeleton bones like he drank out of the wrong grail and this story will end.

Anyway, the creepy Satan child stares right into the camera and thus our souls and demands someone change his diaper.

Uncanny.

Of course, its kind of a thing that most comic artists just don’t know how to draw babies without making them seem like cursed gremlins. So maybe this isn’t supposed to be exactly as creepy as it is.

Its just hard to tell because of the tone thing. This is a weird, unnatural baby. But also 'ZOMGBABY!!!’ So who knows.

And then an interlude. To build up the subplot which is needed to add some action scenes.

Completely normal civilian Raoul Kramer gets off the subway train, monologue complaining about how day in and day out everything is the same ol’ same ol’ same.

But when he leaves the station he finds everything has gone all old timey horse and buggy. Oh god, everything is so same ol’ it went back in time to be different same ol’!

What a perplexment.

But back in the mansion, Wonder Man goes to Ms Marvel’s room to see how she’s holding up.

And apparently she’s feeling well enough to get back in her bathing suit costume.

I guess it makes sense. Its the clothes she uses to punch people and maybe throw buildings at friends. So now that the ordeal is over she can get back to where she left off and love feeling strong and not have to think about cursed child at all.

Of course, people just keep trying to harsh her mood. By insisting that she interact with the baby she wants nothing to do with.

Wonder Man: “So how about coming down to take a look at your son? He’s really an extraordinary little --”

Ms Marvel: “No! He’s not my son! I don’t want to have anything to do with that... that thing!”

Wonder Man: “Come on, Carol, my eyes may look strange, but they see perfectly well. And right now they can see that you’re frightened -- just plain old run-of-the-mill scared. And you’ve every right to be. We don’t know what’s happened to you any more than you do, but ignoring it won’t help anything. Though maybe facing up to it will. What do you say?”

Amazing how a story where a woman is impregnated against her will also has the men in her life insisting they know what’s best for her more than she does. Its really the full package.

Meanwhile, more tone whiplash. After a scene where Ms Marvel calls the baby a thing and insists she wants nothing to do with him, we get a scene of Beast carrying an armful of sports equipment to the impromptu nursery.

I don’t know why Beast is going all sports dad on this mystery baby. I know he played football in school but he’s just behaving very oddly.

Unfortunately for Beast’s dream of having a superbowl winning son-by-proxy, as a now five-year-old with a smart mouth Marcus (because he names himself here) is not really interested in the sportsball. Rather, he’d like a laser torch and some electronic components.

As fast as his physical development, his intellectual capacity has developed far more. And he promises to answer the questions the Avengers have about that once he gets the materials he asked for.

But Cap insists on some answers now and Marcus agrees. He won’t have the manual dexterity necessary for another twenty minutes anyway.

Marcus: “What would you like to know?”

Captain America: “For starters, where did you come from?”

Marcus: “My mother.”

Captain America: “Yes, we know that, but... that is, how were you conceived?”

Marcus: “Uhhhm... by my father?”

Captain America: “Well, of course, blast it! But who is your father?”

Marcus: “I am.”

I wanted to joke that, like Vision, Cap doesn’t know where babies come from. But look at this completely unhelpful brat. He’s definitely being willfully contrarian. And I don’t want any good things to happen to him but from his point of view, things would have gone a lot better had he been a lot more forthcoming.

Iron Man, whose child interaction credentials are suspect, suggests that they just give Marcus whatever he wants and then maybe he’ll behave better.

Cap doesn’t like it but he agrees.

Sending Marcus to his room probably wouldn’t work. He doesn’t have a room. And sending him to bed without dessert? Also probably wouldn’t work. We haven’t seen him eat and he’s growing so fast as to seemingly preclude any nutritional needs. On the other hand, if he’s never tasted anything, the taste of chocolate might kill him. I read that in a book.

Time for another interlude! West of Queens where Ms. Marjorie Hansley checks the mail in hopes that she won a big publishing company sweepstakes grand prize all-expense-paid trip around the world.

We don’t learn whether or not she won the sweepstakes (which I consider rude) but the universe provides in another way and gives her a no-expense-paid no-refusal trip to Jurassic Park.

Or some prehistoric dinosaur time.

Where she is likely to get eaten by an alligator.

Ms. Marjorie Hansley is dead, basically.

But also it seems that time is warped and space is bendable.

I bet this is Marcus’ fault. You don’t backsass Living Legend Captain America and not break time.

But also: he’s aging at an accelerated rate. And time is screwing up elsewhere? He’s borrowed so much time from the time bank that the bank has gone bust and there’s no bailout package for the fourth dimension!

Probably not actually. But imagine if that was the plot.

Back at the mansion, again. Wonder Man and Yellowjacket have a talk.

Wonder Man: “I guess Ms. Marvel isn’t going to show. Tell me, Hank, you’re an old married man -- how did you ever come to understand women?”

Yellowjacket: “I didn’t.”

Wonder Man: “What? But, you and Jan -- !”

Yellowjacket: “Simon, I love Jan, and I accept her for what she is, but to be honest, the day someone comes out with a book on what really makes women tick -- I’ll be the first in line with my checkbook!”

There’s just so much I could say to this exchange. Much of it very harsh towards Hank and about upcoming events. I guess this is in-character for him though. He has never put much effort into understanding his girlfriend and then wife Jan and he passes that ignorance off as women just being fundamentally inexplicable.

You’re not a good scientist, Hank. Let’s leave it at that.

And Wonder Man. Ffs, Simon. Is it really, really, so difficult to understand why a woman might not want to come meet her rape baby?

Again. Not out of character from a man stuck in the past like Simon Williams can be. But this isn’t as fun a character moment as the pool sharking.

At least they’re saying women instead of females.

Meanwhile again, there are a lot of meanwhiles in this comic. A lot of jumping around. But Dr. Donald Notthor Blake observes a now twelve-year-old Marcus sciencing up some gadget or doohickey and marvels that this 12 year old has the intellectual capacity of Einstein now.

And he also wonders that maybe this situation does not require the talents of Dr. Donald Notthor Blake but instead those of the Mighty Verymuchthor Thor.

To put it another way, I think the good doctor Blake is imagining hitting a child with a hammer.

Another meanwhile, where Cap, Beast and Hawkeye are having a tea party.

And where Hawkeye has just suggested putting Marcus in a cage.

Now that everybody isn’t going ‘squee babyyy!1!’ because he is no longer a cute infant, the backlash the other way towards violence and imprisonment is something to behold.

Iron Man comes into the... parlor? Tea room? to let Cap know they’ve been getting some prank calls on the public line. Just some nonsense about a delicatessen being robbed by Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Probably some snotty teenagers having a fun.

Meanwhile again and elsewhere, Jocasta comes to talk to Vision. Who is currently engrossed in studying a subtle energy aura around Marcus that grows as the child does. And it seems that the energy is emanating from within the weirdo and might account for his unnatural growth rate.

Jocasta offers to help with his investigation but just then Scarlet Witch returns with Yellowjacket’s latest readings on Marcus’ physiology. Just what Vision needed.

And now that Scarlet Witch is here, Vision turns to her and starts telling her about his fascinating theory about Marcus.

Feeling like quite the third wheel, Jocasta just leaves, unnoticed.

“Sensing in her husband’s well-modulated tones an excitement that would escape most others, the Scarlet Witch listens intently... so much that neither she nor the Vision even notice when Jocasta turns and, softly, leaves the room. And that, thinks the metalloid would-be Avenger, is the harshest hurt of all...”

Dammit. If she leaves the team because of this bullshit, I’m going to be nettled.

BUT ALSO: lets mock Yellowjacket.

Do you see how Scarlet Witch takes the time to understand Vision, able to sense in him moods that most others don’t? Because she loves him and took the effort to connect with him?

Maybe if you had done the emotional labor, Yellowjacket, women wouldn’t be a big impenetrable mystery to you.

But of course not. That emotional labor flows one way. Get dunked on Yellowjacket specifically and the culture that shaped him more generally.

Elsewherewhen AGAIN, but specifically half the mansion away, Ms Marvel decides that she will, after all, go see the baby she didn’t want.

And also she apologizes for snapping at Jan.

Boooooo! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Not My Carol!

But she also waited too long. Without proper parental role models, Marcus has grown into a teenage dirtbag, baby.

Now that he’s not a baby I can say: What a punchable face. Someone should punch that face and never stop punching that face forever.

Also the narration specifically states that seeing Marcus fills Ms Marvel with “an odd sense of calm... along with an unexplainable, and undeniable, attraction.”

HEY. That’s gross, comic. I don’t care about the eventual bullshit handwavey explanation for this nonsense. That. Is. Gross.

And I mean, look at that face. Its a face that only a mother could punch. Because she’s closest.

... And Marcus is wearing his child clothes as a loincloth. Did... did nobody get him grownup clothes? Several Avengers live in this mansion. Raid someone’s closet!

Marcus also continues to be an inscrutable ass and refuses to explain anything until his science project is completed. Like how he already knew Carol’s name.

The weirdness of the situation is sufficient that even Wasp is noticing that the situation is freaky.

But before he can refuse to explain anything any further, there’s a huge explosion and Marcus complains “Not so soon! Not so soon!”

Because outside there’s a dinosaur and several UFOs attacking Avengers Mansion.

... Y’know, usually I’d be excited to see dinosaurs and UFOs living together mass hysteria but in this comic its just time wasting to fill out a page count and throw some action scenes into the mess.

I can’t even enjoy Dinosaurs and Mars Attacking the Avengers.

Of course, the Avengers rush out to go fight the dinosaur. Iron Man even punches a T. Rex in the face. But as said, I can’t enjoy this.

Okay. So there’s one bit of the pointless action that I like. While Vision phases through the ceiling to join the dinosaur punching action, Scarlet Witch runs into a medieval knight who decides that she’s obviously a sorceress and so he’s honor-bound to run her through. As ya do.

Not even stopping to think 'this is bonkers' she uses her probability-altering powers to make the knight’s own lance wrap around his face and throw him off his horse.

Which you may recognize as having a probability of ‘exactly zero that would never happen in any circumstance just admit that her power is magic, comic’ but I don’t even care because I love it when Scarlet Witch gets to Do A Thing.

It takes six pages but the knight manages to get up from that asswhupping and accosts Scarlet Witch with a sword.

He doesn’t even get a chance to get his ass kicked by Wanda again because Jocasta comes out of nowhere and uses her ever-useful eyebeams circumcise his sword.

He tries to stab her with the remaining stump while yelling he won’t be bested by women but the blade just shatters on her invincible metal bust.

Sir Cecil of Clampett then immediately surrenders and sinks to the floor muttering about how he’ll never throw porridge at the queen again if they let him live but they’re not even paying attention to him anymore.

If this is to become another bullshit love triangle, I love that Jocasta is still being a civil, great person coming to Wanda’s aid like that while conceding that Wanda can take care of herself.

I just want there to be super-heroine Avengers who are best friends. MEET MY EXTREMELY LOW BAR DEMANDS, COMIC.

But I skipped over a lot of action scene to get to the part I liked. Lets summarize. Iron Man punches a dinosaur again.

... And then some Native Americans attack Beast, Hawkeye, and Captain America.

I’m uncomfortable with this. And Cap beating them up. And with the usually delightful Beast making jokes while beating them up.

Pro-tip: you should probably never have a man dressed as an American flag punching Native Americans.

Hawkeye is smart enough not to get involved in this. Or paranoid enough. Because he’s sure that Marcus is behind this and runs off to deal with him.

In the... science room? Marcus refuses to leave before he finishes his machine, even as the roof is crumbling around them.

Wonder Man, Yellowjacket, and the Wasp fly off to investigate, Wonder Man cheerfully disobeying orders that he stay and protect Marcus.

Ms Marvel also decides to shove Dr. Donald Blake into a reinforced broom closet for his safety. Which gives Dr. Donald Blake the privacy to turn into Thor so he can fly off and join the pointless action scenes.

It becomes clear that in addition to padding out the story and adding some, any action at all, the point of these time distortion fight scenes was to split the party so that events can unfold without too many people around.

I also take some comfort in knowing that even in this comic, Wonder Man’s intrinsic Wonder Manliness shines through as he Leeroy Jenkinses into the fight and immediately gets blasted by future cannons that he didn’t notice because he was recklessly charging into things.

And then as he considers the benefits of cowardice, he gets attacked by a giant snake. Because Wonder Man.

He gets to throw the snake at a pterodactyl that was bothering Iron Man because the fundamental truth about Wonder Man is one of contrast. Bone-headed failures making more apparent when he manages to do a good job.

Thor shows up and does what Thor does best, invalidate the presence of most of the rest of the Avengers by just being so much stronger than they are.

He creates a giant tornado that sucks up the dinosaurs and UFOs and such.

Thor is the Avengers’ win button.

He also notes that there’s something weirdly familiar about Marcus.

Meanwhile, inside the mansion, Jarvis finds himself accosted by the actual fucking D’Artagnan of the Musketeers. Hahaha what.

Who threatens to stab Jarvis in the tongue if he doesn’t tell him where Rochefort is.

Yellowjacket summons a cloud of ants to distract the musketeer and then Jarvis punches him in his face.

Take that, beloved literary figure.

Meanwhile there are so, so many meanwhiles. But in the nursery lab random location, Marcus tries to convince Ms Marvel to leave while he activates the machine.

But she is struck by a strange compulsion to stay at this side no matter what.

So he makes her smell his fingers or maybe uses pink energy to zap her face and that knocks her unconscious and cover Scarlet O’Haraing in his arms.

Which is the part Hawkeye managed to come in just in time to see.

Assuming that Marcus was attacking Ms. Marvel, Hawkeye fires an exploding arrow at the machine built. Exploding it.

Marcus cries a single tear and then puts Ms. Marvel down safe and comfortable in a pile of assorted rubble and pointy shrapnel.

Hawkeye: “Okay, curly-top, put the lady down, gently!”

Marcus: “Yes. I shall... since that had been my intention all along. FOr I knew that the energies from my machine might prove dangerous to humans, and so had planned to take Ms. Marvel to a place of safety. you see, it had been my wish that no harm should befall anyone. But now, bowman, you’d be well advised to try and kill me! For if you don’t, then by the seven levels of limbo, I shall kill you!”

A smirking Hawkeye replies that sounds fair.

But then the a lightning bolt hits between them and Thor and Iron Man enter the scene.

Thor reiterates that Marcus looks familiar and demands he know the source of this deja vu. But Marcus says he’ll tell them nothing unless they kill him.

Ms. Marvel wakes up off-screen and tells Marcus to cut his shit out.

Ms. Marvel: “I don’t understand you -- but I do know you, somehow. And I sense that you’d no more take a life gratuitously than an Avenger would.”

Marcus: “Well, y-you’re wrong! So you’d best tell your comrades to defend themselves, b-because I’ll destroy anyone who gets in my way! I will!”

Ms. Marvel: “In that case, Marcus -- you can start with me.”

And then she stands between him and Iron Man, Thor, and Hawkeye.

Marcus confesses that he wasn’t going to hurt anyone. He just wanted to goad them into killing him, honest!

Because he couldn’t bear to go back to living like he has been since his father abandoned him. His father... IMMORTUS!

DUN DUN DUN!

Ms. Marvel has some concerns. Like how she’s never met Immortus and definitely never did the nasty with him.

And now the rest of this comic is going to be backstory and exposition. Just pages of Marcus explaining things, while crying a single tear.

So once upon a no-time, Immortus ruled Limbo. Not the Illyana one. Or the fun party game. But the place of no-time that we visited during the Celestial Madonna story. You’d think you’d remember that. I certainly typed enough words words words about it.

Anyway, Immortus grew lonely living in Limbo all by himself (later retconned so that he lived with a bunch of Space Phantoms but they’re all boring) so he decided he’d go cruising for some booty.

So he cruised through Earth’s time-stream and eventually found a woman, the sole survivor of a sinking ship, pulled her from the cold waters, and took her back to Limbo with him.

Marcus: “Once back in Limbo, through a combination of gratitude and the subtle manipulations of my father’s ingenious machines, the woman fell in love with him. My father then created within Limbo a pocket of change -- a bubble where time flowed naturally. It was there that I was created.”

... So to reiterate, Immortus caused a woman to fall in love with him with the aid of “subtle manipulations of... ingenious machines.”

Mind control, basically.

So if Marcus had a dad and a mom and neither of them were Carol then how did Marcus come out of her?

There’s a very... explanation for that though.

Immortus raised Marcus in a yes-time bubble so that he could grow and develop.

But there was a limit to how long a mortal could spend in Limbo before being just rubber-banded back to Earth. Which is what happened to Nameless Mrs Immortus.

And then Immortus went to help on the Wild West Adventure which led to Kang dying trying to kill Thor which led to Immortus dying because Kang is his younger self so he never existed.

Which raises unanswered questions now that we know about Marcus.

If Kang died before becoming Immortus which caused Immortus to fade away, why is Marcus even still around?

Is it because he was in a no-time zone like Limbo, unaffected by changes to the time-stream? If that’s the case, couldn’t Immortus have avoided disappearing in a puff of logic by staying home?

Its possible that after all that time alone and all the regret for his past self’s actions, he wanted to die. But that’s a rude as hell thing to pull on a son.

So Marcus was left alone and even more alone than his father had ever been. As a child of Limbo, if Marcus tried to visit Earth, it would create an irreparable disruption of the local time-stream.

But then he had an idea. Marcus got a wonderful awful idea.

If time disruption was a result of being born into Limbo, what if he were born onto Earth?

And by accelerating his birth and aging processes he could negate the time flux distortion before it became irreversible. Because it would be slowed down or confused by him being a baby.

Time would be like ‘whaaaaaat a baby?’ and get really distracted and out of character.

But it would take an exceptionally strong woman to survive gestating a nine month pregnancy in only a couple days so he searched through time and eventually decided on Ms. Marvel for her powerful combination of Kree and Human strengths.

Also, I think he just has a thing for strong blondes that should kick his ass.

A different version of Marcus, Kang’s son instead of Immortus’ but still named Marcus and still looking the same genetics are weird, later developed a crush on Carol. Her reaction to which was split between ‘wut?’ and ‘get rekt!’

But this Marcus decides to time-kidnap Carol while she was traveling to visit Scarlet Witch in New Jersey. Just takes her right out of the Quinjet and brought her to Limbo.

And thus began the wooing process. Because Marcus wanted to win her hand on his own merits and not through some skeezy mind control technology.

Marcus: “To aid my purpose, I brought others in from Earth’s time continuum. I had Shakespeare write you a sonnet, and Beethoven performed an original prelude in your honor, while Marie Antoinette herself clothed you in the finest of satins and silks. Finally, after relative weeks of such efforts -- and admittedly, with a subtle boost from Immortus’ machines -- you became mine.”

You started off with such noble? intentions of kidnapping a woman and convincing her to love you and then you ended up using mind control anyway. You can’t say he didn’t come by it honestly. Its even the same word choice of ‘subtle.’ Subtle manipulations... subtle boost. He learned it from you, dad. He learned it from watching you.

Anyway, after using a machine to convince Carol that she loved him, he used technology and magical limbo powers to implant his ‘essence’ in her “causing a condition that resembled pregnancy.”

Y’know. In the sense of having a baby growing inside her womb. That’s the resemblance.

Also, also. The process of implanting essence looks a lot like rated-g sex. And now we know what Carol’s orgasm face looks like. Thanks a lot, comics. Thanks a lot.

Anyway, having implanted his ‘essence’ inside of her he wiped her memory and sent her back to Earth a second after she had been taken.

I... don’t know why it was necessary that she have her memory wiped. You’d think that to prevent a lot of anxiety and fear, you’d want her to know that her boyfriend would be popping out of her in a couple days.

The memory wipe and the mention that he totally used machines to make her love him make this one sketchy story. Which, do note, he’s saying right in front of Thor, Iron Man, and Hawkeye.

Who are all nodding and going ‘yeah that sounds like your classic love story right there. Like Beauty and the Beast.’ Because they are fools.

Marcus: “Once ‘reborn,’ I knew that as my artificially accelerated growth progressed, the Limbo effect would become stronger. But I had hoped to build a machine to negate the effect before I reached full maturity -- and the effect became permanent. Then, I could have lived among you, using my knowledge of time and history to better the human race. but when my machine was destroyed, I knew there was no time to build another before the Limbo effect became fixed. Therefore, since I cannot and will not cause the destruction of a world just to realize a dream, my options became either to return to Limbo, living in solemn, solitary hell unto infinity... or else goad you Avengers into killing me, and thus sparing me. Now, I have no options...”

This again raises the specter of why didn’t he just let Carol keep her memories. She could have gone up to Iron Man, Yellowjacket, or Beast and said ‘hey time is going to start breaking, I need you to build a machine. No time to explain, I met a guy and I’m going to give birth to him soon. I SAID NO TIME TO EXPLAIN BUILD FOR ME, WRENCH FOOLS.’

Getting a head start on the machine would have erased some of the race against time aspect.

When Hawkeye asks why he didn’t just tell them any of this, Marcus claims that they never would have trusted the son of one of the Avengers’ oldest enemies.

But Immortus has been more a weird, helpful weirdo than an enemy when you factor in that his first appearance was retconned out of existence by Enchantress. They’ve only ever known him as the guy that helps them fight Kang. Who, in fairness, is one of their oldest enemies.

But Carol decided or perhaps ‘decided’ that Marcus won’t be alone.

Ms Marvel: “I mean that while I still don’t know what I felt for you in Limbo, some of that feeling still lingers. And that, combined with the fact that by some bizarre logic, you are my ‘child’ -- makes me feel closer to you than I’ve felt to anyone in a long, long time. And I think that just might be a relationship worth giving a chance. So I’m returning to Limbo with you.”

Which might be a sweet sentiment minus the fact that the lingering sentiment she feels was mind control and the pseudo-incestual vibe to this whole relationship and MINUS THE FACT THAT EARTH PEOPLE CAN ONLY BE ON LIMBO FOR A LIMITED TIME BEFORE BEING YANKED BACK TO EARTH AS PREVIOUSLY ESTABLISHED.

So, no. Nothing about this is a sweet sentiment. Its just layers of horrible.

Iron Man questions if Carol is really sure about what she’s doing and she tells him “not entirely” but she gonna do it anyway. Which at the very least is very Carol Danvers. She tells him to say goodbye to the others.

And then Thor hammerwhirls Marcus and Carol to Limbo. Because he can do that. Remember? He can open space-time rifts by spinning Mjolnir fast enough?

Once Marcus is hammerwhirled off of Earth all of the various time weirderies throughout the mansion vanish, leaving the Avengers who were fighting them perplexed.

And back in the nursery/lab/whatever Hawkeye laments that maybe if he hadn’t destroyed Marcus’ machine none of this would have happened.

Hawkeye: “I can’t help it, Shell-head. I just feel rotten. If I hadn’t destroyed Marcus’ machine --”

Iron Man: “-- Maybe things would have happened the same way, Hawkeye. There’s no way of knowing. We’ve just got to believe that everything worked out for the best.”

Hawkeye: “Yeah, I guess you’re right. That’s all we can do. Believe... and hope that Ms. Marvel lives happily ever after.”

Spoiler: She does not.

So, uh. Yeah. That was Avengers #200.

What does one even say about something like that?

How does something with so many otherwise decent writers turn out like this?

Jim Shooter, George Perez, Bob Layton, and David Michelinie are all credited with writing the plot.

But it seems nobody remembers whose idea this was.

The usual Avengers writer at that time was David Michelinie and he attributes the poor quality of the issue to last minute rewrites and being written by a committee.

David Michelinie: “It’s true that that story originally had a different ending, one suggested by Bob Layton. I believe it involved an alien race (the Kree?) which had reached the limits of its evolutionary possibilities. By generating an alien/human hybrid (impregnating Carol with an alien seed), a new evolutionary path could be created and the dead end could have been circumvented. However, after that storyline had been set up and Avengers #200 plotted, a story came out in another title which almost exactly duplicated the story we had scheduled for Avengers #200. So a last minute alternative was hammered together (hence the plot credit for four different people on that issue) and was hastily drawn and scripted to meet extremely tight deadlines. I don’t remember why we sent Carol Danvers off with Marcus, and out of the Avengers, but I assume it was something that was put together in that marathon plot session.”

The comic that duplicated the original proposed #200 probably would have been What If? #20: What If the Avengers had Fought the Kree-Skrull War Without Rick Jones? Wherein the Supreme Intelligence fuses with Rick Jones’ corpse to become a new being.

In the sense of creating a Kree/Human hybrid, I guess it was stepping on #200′s toes. Although Carol is already a Kree/Human hybrid anyway so. Whatever.

Artist George Perez says in his book:

George Perez: “I don’t remember if it was Dave or Jim who did the Carol Danvers pregnancy story. I believe by the time it was printed it was by four different writers or something. That was probably not the most shining hour for the character, but I liked the idea that they had the story that I really love, which was kind of a precursor to what I would end up doing in Crisis [on Infinite Earths], stuff where you could draw anything happening from various time zones. Like issue 200 of the Avengers, I got to draw a dinosaur attacking Avengers Mansion, with a biplane flying [by]. All this great stuff I eventually got to do with Crisis on Infinite Earths, I got to do with the Avengers.”

As for Jim Shooter, he weirdly both disavows any knowledge of how this happened and also takes full credit.

Jim Shooter: “I found my copy of Avengers #200. I read it. I agree with the consensus, it’s heinous. But, I don’t remember much about how it got that way.

I am credited not only as Editor in Chief but as one of the co-plotters. However, I didn’t see anything in the book that jogged my memory. No bits that I remember suggesting. No corrections of the sort I might have made to a plot passed before me.

But I did see many things I would have changed if I’d seen the plot. For instance, leaving aside the Ms. Marvel mess for the nonce: Iron Man thinks it’s okay for the weird, mysterious child to be given a “laser torch” and electronic equipment so he can build a machine. What?! As the massive machine is being assembled, no one bothers to question what it is or does. What?! Trouble ensues. No kidding, really? Good grief.

At that time, I didn’t approve plots. Editors did. I can think of no reason that plot would have been passed before me. I don’t remember participating in a plotting session. David Michelinie lived far away and seldom came to the office. He and Bob Layton plotted books together mostly over the phone, then Dave wrote them up and presented them to the editor. I don’t know to what extent George Perez was involved. George often added bits and scenes, or made small changes to stories he was drawing, so possibly that is why he was given a plot credit. Usually writers didn’t mind George’s modifications because they were generally pretty good.

Generally, the first time I saw a book was when the finished pages were given to me to sign off on before they were sent to Chemical Color, the separators. There were exceptions, of course, books with which I was more involved. I don’t think this was one of them. But, possibly I made some suggestions that garnered me a ‘co-plotter’ credit, and if so, what was I thinking?

And, I guess I signed off on this book.

I regret it.

But, in those days, in any case, the buck stopped at my desk. I take full responsibility. I screwed up. My judgement failed, or maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention. Sorry. Avengers #200 is a travesty.”

I’m not here to unravel this mystery or cast blame. Although I blame everyone, really.

Shooter is right that the buck stopped at him and he said yeah sure buck go on ahead. Good on him for taking that blame.

Was Avengers #200 the worst story in Avengers history?

I don’t know. I can’t rightly say. I’ve only covered 200 out of... somewhere over 500.

Its not the worst written Avengers story. That would probably be the Crossing crossover. So convoluted and impenetrable, nobody is quite sure what order the issues should be read in.

It might not even be the most offensive. Avengers #33 tried to say that racism is made up by communists.

Its definitely a contender.

Made worse that nobody involved seemed to realize what message they were putting out, which judging by some comments I’ve seen was just unblinkingly accepted by children who read this back in the day.

But here’s the thing. Four different people had enough input to get a co-plotter credit and not one of them went ‘maybe we shouldn’t.’

You can blame the writing by committee for the uneven quality and weird tonal whiplash but you can’t blame it for the central problem where Ms Marvel is raped and impregnated against her will and against her very clearly stated desire not to have children.

That was the foundation of this entire thing.

Even before the story was changed, it was going to be about Carol being impregnated mysteriously. The only thing that was changed was the set dressing. Instead of the Supreme Intelligence and the Kree, it was changed to Immortus’ son.

Because this was a milestone celebration and the important thing here was that a long-time Avengers enemy be behind it.

(Its not even a good milestone celebration. Whose story is this really? Its not really Carol’s. Things happen to her and then she gets a sendoff that would make Doctor Who say ‘whoa, too far.’ It doesn’t celebrate her as a hero. It doesn’t celebrate any of the other Avengers and their history. This is a story about Marcus? And who the fuck is Marcus? The previously unmentioned story of a barely recurring Avengers frenemy. Avengers 100 had EVERY AVENGER. They were badly utilized but thats how you do a milestone.)

There’s no reason to believe that the setup pre-rewrites was going to be any different. Ms Marvel suddenly coming down with a bad case of three-day pregnancy while being alarmed and terrified by what was happening.

There are stories that are bad because of rewrites. And then there are stories that would have been bad from the very conception.

And this would have been one of them.

Pun unintended.

No matter how well-written Avengers #200 was. It would always have been the story where Carol Danvers was written out.

Maybe she wouldn’t have headed off into Limbo at the end because of lingering mind-control affection for her rapist/son but I feel it likely she still would have left the team. Probably gone into space to raise her Kreeman baby.

Heinous and travesty are right.

Could this story have been salvaged?

Like I said, the core concept was Ms Marvel getting mysteriously pregnant. They moved the tombstones but didn’t move the bodies. You’d have to get entirely away from that to find something worth telling.

You could do something with the time weirdery that lets the Avengers punch dinosaurs and maybe relive some old enemies. That could be a way to do a milestone issue. Harkening back without literally just reprinting old panels. Right, AVENGERS 150??

You could have done the pregnancy thing is Carol was an active and willing participant and didn’t have her mind wiped but it still would have felt gross. Because you had her loudly announce her opinion that punching people was more important than motherhood to her.

Do you see, various people who worked on this book, that by having her say that and then immediately become pregnant that it kind of feels vindictive? Punishing her for the words you put in her mouth? And that anything that comes after that will be tainted by that?

Also, mysterious pregnancy plots are usually bad. The only one I can think of that wasn’t was the Spider-Woman plot and the only mystery was that she wouldn’t tell people that she just got a sperm donor so she could make them think that Carol was the father somehow. And its still not great that someone’s thought was ‘what surprising twist can I do with this female character after a time skip? PREGNANCY!’

So was Avengers #200 salvageable? God no. Some of the interpersonal interaction bits were okay. But the actual plot itself was bad, bad, bad. I couldn’t even enjoy the time weirdery because it was disembodied from the plot and was time wasting action scenes and to split the party.

Iron Man punched a T. Rex. TWICE.

I should be gushing about that. I should never stop gushing about it. But it does nothing for me.

Carol Danvers will return... In Avengers Annual #10, angry as hell.

Follow @essential-avengers. Because I will cover Avengers Annual #10 wherein Carol Danvers is angry as hell.

#Avengers #Ms Marvel #Marcus Immortus #the Vision #Scarlet Witch #essential avengers #Wonder Man #Captain America #Iron Man #Thor #Beast #Hawkeye #the Wasp #Yellowjacket #Jocasta #Jarvis #Essential marvel liveblogging #And now its finally behind me

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tesslahanline1991 · 4 years ago

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Reiki Energy Charged Candle Marvelous Useful Tips

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Reiki Crystal Healing Pdf

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Can Reiki Cure Autism

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#Reiki Energy Charged Candle Marvelous Useful Tips #What To Do Before Reiki Attunement

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commandershepardvasfuckit · 8 years ago

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Chapter 2 for Galaxies Apart is up!

So chapter 2 is up! (link to AO3 here!)

(Chapter 1 is here on tumblr, and here on AO3)

In case you’ve missed my shameless self promotion, Galaxies Apart is my OC stuff (Ajaa the angara) and I’m pretty happy with how it’s turning out and the interest people are taking in it. Slow burn, friends to lovers, and of course awkward first times.

Julie hoped her second day would not be as eventful as her first one.

She planned on visiting the Repository of History to meet with the curator in order to get a better feel for angaran culture as a whole before she even tried to figure out all differences between people, surely in broad daylight there would not be any problems getting there.

The walk from her small apartment near the landing bay to the Repository was peaceful. There was a certain serenity about Aya, always a faint bubbling and splashing from the waterfuls, calls and songs from wild birds, and all the colors and smells from the flowers, Julie wondered if all the worlds with the Remnant vaults would be like this one day with all of them working now, terraforming the surfaces of the planets.

Ajaa was in the same spot as yesterday, kneeling down next to the planter to finish planting the sproutlings.

“Hey” smiled Julie, hoping Ajaa was not made about yesterday, “How are you feeling?”

Ajaa looked up to see who was disrupting his work, “Ahh, the human who used me as a speed bump yesterday, watching where you’re going today?”

“I’m really sorry about yesterday” Julie apologized again.

“It’s still alright, I kind of figured out you weren’t out to get me or anything” Ajaa smirked. He had a nice smile, it was good to see him not sort of grumpy or in pain.

“Hey, could I ask you a few questions?”

“Depends, is this going to get weird? Because there were a few salarians here a couple days ago and they got a little intrusive with me”.

Julie could not help but laugh, she had met several salarians, all nice for the most part but definitely a group of people who could occasionally get a bit over excited with questions.

“Yeah, most of our best scientists are salarians, always lots of questions. But don’t worry, nothing like that, just hoping maybe you could help me with some work”.

“And what kind of work is it?”

“I work with the Cultural Exchange on the Nexus, we want to try to bridge the gap between the Milky Way cultures and the angara, try to best understand the differences between us and avoid any faux pas so to speak, but that means really understand who the angara are and who better to talk to than an angara?” Julie smiled, trying to cover up how robotic her spiel came out.

“Well, as long as my genitals stay out of it this time I have no problem with it” he did not seem like he was joking.

“Purely cultural questions”.

“Very well”.

Julie paused, she did not have any questions planned. She had planned on visiting the Repository of History and doing her own research on the basics before even trying to interview any of the angara, but she could improvise.

“Where did you live before Aya?” she began, starting off with something simple.

“I was born on Havarl in a smaller daar, it was mostly just a research outpost”.

“And did you come from a large family?”

“Do adhi chase their tails?” he asked back.

“I don't actually know”.

“That is a yes. To both”.

“Do you visit your family often?”

Ajaa paused, seeming to recoil from the question. “Next question” he said without a hint of emotion.

She did not know where to go from there. Supposedly family was the most important thing to the angara according to what she had learned at the cultural exchange, and apparently not a good subject for Ajaa.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” Julie asked cautiously, hoping that was not a sore subject too.

Ajaa took a deep breathe, “I’m not sure. I've definitely seen something from the past, I don't know if their memories”.

“You've had some kind of dream or vision?”

“Not recently, but when I was younger I saw things when I would visit the Repository. In the visions I was always walking around a great city floating in space. It was beautiful, there plants I had never seen before, technology that must have been from before the Scourge, I never saw people, but I heard them speaking a language I did not know”.

“How many of these visions did you have?”

“I'm not sure, five or six maybe”.

“And they just stopped one day?”

“I reached a part in the visions where something big happened, something changed and I was never able to see past it. I think I died then”. His tone was very matter of fact, more like he was making small talk and not sharing that he might have seen his death in a past life.

“You saw your death in a past life?”

“Maybe. I'm not sure what happened. In the last vision I had I entered a room, it looked like a medical facility. The other people were talking to me, I could hear their voices but I never saw them. They asked me something in the language I don't know and I responded, I don't know what I said but I felt sure of it and whatever was going on. I laid down on the table in the room and closed my eyes, then there was just a feeling of peace. I think I went there to die”.

Julie took a deep breath, unsure what to think of this man she barely knew telling her about this. “That's incredible, a little scary, but incredible” She answered, unsure what to make of the visions. “Have you spoken to anyone about the visions?”

“The old curator at the Repository. She told me not to worry about the visions, that it's not uncommon to see parts of a past life, something about the relics there being able to trigger memories.”

“And you think you saw your death?”

“I'm still not sure, but something about what happened felt final. It was a cold and sterile room, but there was a comfort to it, whatever was going on was because I wanted it to.”

“And you're sure it was a medical facility?”

Ajaa cocked his head to the side and took a moment to think. “I think so, I remember a table, and many monitors, and some sort of pod, but that's it.”

“Do you remember what was on the monitors or anything about the pod?”

“I think there were vitals on the monitor, but they weren't mine for sure, and there was another angara in the pod, at least I think. I don't know, I suppose it doesn't make a lot of sense”.

“That's alright. I think that's enough questions for now, I'm sorry if I brought up anything I shouldn't have”.

“It's alright. I haven't thought about the visions for a long time. Maybe one day I'll figure them out”. Ajaa smiled weakly, “I'm sure you have better things to do than just pick my brain”.

“It was interesting talking to you, maybe we can talk again tomorrow?”

“I think I'd like that. It's good to talk to someone that hasn't been caught up in this damn kett war. Let me give you my contact information, you can let me know tomorrow when you have the time to talk, maybe I can even show you around Aya”.

Ajaa pulled up the interface on his own communicator allowing Julie to copy down and translate his information with her omni tool.

Full name: Ajaa Na Rova. Age: 25. Born: Tersha daar, Havarl. Current Location: Aya. Occupation: agricultural scientist. Contact frequency: 6251.43

“I'll give you call tomorrow when I can”.

“I look forward to it”. He smiled again, he really did have a nice smile.

Julie headed towards the Repository, taking her time to stroll through the memorial gardens to read the plaques dedicated to all the angara who died fighting the kett.

Eighty years of war against an enemy that turned your own people into the enemy. Eighty years of families being torn apart and saying goodbye to people knowing it might be the last time you see them. Very few angara were alive who remembered what things were like before kett, and there was not anyone alive who was not affected by the kett.

It was a short, and luckily uneventful, walk to the Repository. Julie was more aware of people watching her after Sivus’s warning yesterday, more aware of people’s whispers, but at least no one tried anything.

The Repository itself was impressive, it was not a large building, but the amount of history crammed into such a small space was astounding. Julie was greeted by the curator when she got there, a young angara women named Avela who never seemed to stop moving.

“Welcome to the Repository” Avela called without looking up from the helmet she was examining as Julie entered the Repository.

“Hello” called Julie back, “the Nexus sent me. I'm supposed to talk with you to get a feel for angaran history before I start doing interviews”.

“Ahh, they told me to expect someone to come by, but not when or who. Anyways, I loaded up that console in the corner with some basics on angaran history, values, beliefs, and anything else culturally important. Go ahead and skim through that and we can discuss it when you're done”.

“Oh, okay. Thanks”. Julie had been hoping for a little more interaction than sit quietly in the corner and read.

“Is there something wrong?” asked Avela.

“Oh no! Just can't wait to actually discuss all of this with an actual angara” Julie smiled, reading everything then talking to Avela really was not a bad way of doing things.

“Haven't had a chance to talk to anyone yet then?”

“Well, I met a few people yesterday and I was able to chat with one of them for a bit today, and I'm meeting up with him tomorrow to ask him some questions actually”.

“Making friends already, that's good” Avela smiled, she seemed like a nice, albeit very busy, woman. “If you don't mind me asking, who were you talking with?”

“Ajaa Na Rova”.

Avela closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Oh boy. I wouldn't really consider him a good indicator of average angaran values”.

“What do you mean?”

“Don't get me wrong, Ajaa’s a good man, but losing your family so young and then being raised without family sort of skews your view on things. It's not a bad thing per se, but you're never going to hear him talking about the importance of family or anything”.

“Oh” Julie looked down at her feet, she felt a bit bad for asking Ajaa if he ever visited his family when they spoke earlier. “Do you know if there's anything else I shouldn't bring up around Ajaa?”

“The Resistance, the Roekaar, reincarnation, and don't bring up his injuries but if he mentions it first you're probably alright”.

“He doesn't like the Resistance?”

“He likes them now that Evfra is in charge, but before that is another story. The Roekaar is a sore spot in general, don't bring them up. And unless you’d like to spend way too much time on things that are probably not true I'd avoid bringing up reincarnation”.

“You mean the visions he's had?”

“Stars, did he tell you about them?”

“He mentioned them this morning, do you not believe in reincarnation?” Asked Julie. From what she knew just about all angara believed in at least some form of reincarnation.

“I believe in reincarnation, I've spoken to people who have visited here and the relics have sparked memories of the past, there's no doubt that people can see parts of a past life. But Ajaa?” Avela shook her head, “I have no doubt he truly believes he's seen a past life, but I think it's just a child’s imagination mixed with a lot of stress from what he was going through at the time”.

“So you don't believe him?”

“He was young when it happened, maybe 11 or 12 years old, just lost his family, was under a lot of stress from his injuries and the surgeries, and I'm sure he would have had some strong pain killers. Plus, what he saw doesn't line up with anything anyone else has ever seen”.

“So you think he made it up?”

“I think he saw something. But it was probably just a child’s imagination mixed with stress and pain medication”.

“Oh” muttered Julie.

“Look, I'm not trying to bad mouth him or anything, he's a good man, probably better than most, but he can be a bit of an outlier on most things”.

“No, I understand. I should read the stuff you set up for me”.

The rest of the day passed without anything else eventful. Julie learned more about angaran family structure and how differently angara on different planets developed. She learned how angaran law was centered around not necessarily the crime committed, but by how many people it affected and how much it affected them. She learned about how much of their history they lost when the Scourge hit 300 years ago.

“Did you have any questions on anything?” Avela asked as Julie began to pack up her things from where she was sitting at the console.

“I don't think so, the stuff you left me to read was pretty thorough, and it's getting late anyways and I wanted to explore Aya before it got dark”.

“Alright, if you ever have questions feel free to drop by” Avela smiled gently. She seemed like a nice enough woman, though Julie was not sure about she felt about the way Avela spoke about Ajaa though.

Julie made her way towards the central market, hoping it would still be open when she got there since she had not had the chance to visit yesterday after she had unpacked her things and checked in at the embassy. The walk was relatively short, and at least the market was on her way home.

Yesterday, or even this morning, she did not notice how tired everyone looked, Aya might be beautiful but the angara were still a people who had spent eighty years fighting a war. People passed by her covered in scars, or limping, or just looking like they lived through hell.

She had just reached the edge of the market when she heard a familiar voice.

“Hey! Human Julie!” Came Sivus's voice from across the square.

Julie smiled, she did not know much about Sivus, but he seemed like a decent person so far.

“Hey Sivus, doing some shopping?”

“Yeah, seeing if there's anything interesting to eat. You can only live on nutrient paste for so long until it gets to you” Sivus smirked, he seemed to like to smile a lot.

“No Ajaa or Paalka?”

“Nah, Paalka is still at the lab and Ajaa finished up early and went home, I think his legs were bothering him”.

“Because of yesterday?” Julie asked, feeling a bit guilty.

“Because he's Ajaa. He tries to hide it, but he's never doing as well as he pretends to be. Try not to feel too bad for him though, it's sort of a pet peeve for him”.

“I'll try to remember that”.

“I heard you bumped into Ajaa again today, well not actually bumped into him this time” same cheeky smirk on Sivus’s face.

“No, I've learned my lesson about looking for kneeling angara”.

“And you're meeting up tomorrow?”

“Ajaa told you?”

“Of course he did. That man has exactly three friends, if anything interesting happens in his life we know”.

“Yeah, he's answering some questions, sort of an interview. The Nexus stationed me on Aya to try to learn more about angara, learn how to better get along and bridge the gaps between us”.

“Huh, not a bad way to do it I suppose. But if you're going to interview more people though be careful who you chose, there are plenty of people here who aren't happy with the Milky Way presence here on Aya”.

“Do you really think anyone would try anything?”

“It's hard to say for sure, but better safe than sorry, there has been a few incidents”.

“What kind of incidents” Julie asked cautiously.

“Nothing too bad, throwing rotten fruit, petty theft, yelling, but still, I don't want my people to be a part of another war. I don't want the Roekaar and their sympathizers to start something with your Initiative. I'm not trying to scare you, but I do worry”.

“I figured. I don't want the Initiative and your people to fight either”.

Sivus smiled, much more genuinely than his usual smirk. “It's getting dark and if you're on your way home would you mind if I walked with you just in case?”

“I was going to check out the market first”.

“They're pretty much done for the day. Make Ajaa show you around the market tomorrow”.

“If you insist”.

“I do. Ajaa has wanted to learn more about you Milky Way people, you seem like a good person for him to learn from, I’d rather you not get scared off by fanatics”.

Sivus walked with Julie the entire walk back to her apartment, making small talk and pointing out a few of the interesting things about Aya. It was nice to walk with someone friendly and just absentmindedly chat about nothing at all. She had hit the ground running after coming out of cryo, immediately going to work with the Cultural Exchange before being shipped of to Aya, it was nice to just breathe.

#galaxies apart #MEAfics #ajaa na rova

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elizabethrobertajones · 8 years ago

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Yesterday I finally caught up with probably half of Tumblr and finished watching Sense8 (*hugs my new Netflix account*)...

I really enjoyed it and I guess it lives up to the hype, though waiting forever to watch it kind of took the edge off, since I was curious enough to examine every gifset on my dash for the last... couple of years? since it appeared. I really like how everyone’s so in love with the characters and their dynamics that despite learning a great deal about almost every character and their relationships, I 1: didn’t even know Naveen Andrews was in it and 2: had no idea what the main plot was and assumed it was mostly just a great big action/romance romp with random soulmate dynamics thrown in to spice it up. :P

And it’s brilliant as a soap opera ignoring the main plot, as several characters have pretty much nothing to do with it (yet? I started off trying to analyse the plot and linked up Capheus, Kala and Sun as the most important players in an epic biomedical scandal involving the businesses and such they’re tied up in that must surely link further back to all the sinister stuff with the real bad guys, and then of course nothing’s come of that yet in a season + Christmas special...) and definitely one of its main strengths is the characters and their relationships and interactions, especially as with so many ways to sort them, and some plots with a lot of one on one cross over, characters you’d come to know and love were still meeting each other for the first time fairly late on.

Anyway, Daryl Hannah floating around being the fridged woman with a remarkable resemblance to Mary Winchester aside (I feel so sorry for actresses whose entire role is wearing a dirty/bloodstained nightgown while making spooky appearances for the sake of the main characters :P) the actual plot seems like Orphan Black in many respects, and the more I think about it the more connections I make, aside from the obvious of Weird Science bothering a group of seemingly normal people who then discover they’re actually clones/soulmates with a whole bunch of other people they have uncanny connections to. By the end of the current season of Orphan Black, our protagonist clone is even having sustained visions of the clone who started the series with the suicide of one of their own who, like Daryl Hannah, kicked off the entire plot for the main characters, and her daughter seems to be psychically connecting to the other clones through the same Weird Science as Sense8. There’s a strong focus on life and death and altogether too much childbirth stuff on screen :P

I think Sense8′s advantage is that it’s much less confined by the format not just that it can be absolutely openly as diverse as it wants to be, but because without having to be somewhat procedural or else fitting the regular format of TV shows, you can get the really long, weird sequences which aren’t really doing anything except quiet, meaningful stretches of character stuff. There are story arcs per episode, but the entire thing moves incredibly slowly. I swear Orphan Black made the same progress through the plot in a handful of episodes as Sense8 has done so far in its entire run.

Obviously neither show is finished yet, and in several important respects Sense8 blows Orphan Black out of the water, with OB being included in the great Onscreen Queer Women Massacre of the start of the year it only just bought my interest but not my trust back by backpeddaling that... and even if they always intended to bring said murdered queer woman back, they’ve not allowed the couple in question to just exist happily and unapologetically, and inflicted that trope on us in the first place... they also DID apologise while at the same time doing it, admitted they were aware they should use a trans actor to play a trans character but because of the clone thing, still used Tatiana to play a surprise brother clone they threw in for one episode basically, I guess, to show something about variation etc, and at this point I don’t know if it’s for the best he’s not in a ton of episodes, although weird they never mention him again after that.

Sense8 has a much clearer sense of these issues, though its attempt to portray a broad stroke of human existence world wide has netted it a lot of criticism for stereotyping & racist tropes in those portrayals, which I’m not equipped to comment on, but as someone who wearily watches a lot of media, certainly none of the non-western, white, stories felt particularly unexpected or not like something I could see elsewhere... Orphan Black has mostly stayed clear of those issues by just not going near them; the actual cast when you narrow it down away from the character list is still very white. Throw in the dozens of versions of Tatiana and the other clone guy and they’ve got endless room to add in as many more characters as they like, obviously all versions of the same white actors dressed up differently.

... in any case, Sense8′s plot gave me a fair amount of deja vu to the show I’d already watched, but because OB put me off several times (and yet I kept coming back to it :P) I don’t have a very clear memory of the first season’s plot to make a stronger side by side comparison. I’m mostly intrigued by the sense of the huge terrifying rich biotech and medical corporations, doing Weird Science juuust beyond the range of what we can understand now, or with a slight science-fantasy element to it, relying on real world conspiracies or Fortean Times level suspicions of what might possibly be real if you wanted to believe tales of precognition, telepathy, etc. In Sense8 there’s a few mentions of ~real~ stories of such things, but I can’t remember if OB went over it yet.

Certainly in both there’s a sense of unity and impossible but unbreakable family bonds, and a lot of exploration of who the Self is vs these huge faceless corporations. OB cycles through several villains or weird cults and such as the bad guys, each one in turn unknowable but powerful or embedded in a way with science or military or religious connections that make them dangerous to go up against. It’s hard to tell exactly what message Sense8 has about it because so much less plot involving it has unfurled but it’s obviously not good news with the big corporations, definitions of humanity, and secret conspiracy to police what is human and what is not. It even sets the entire viewing audience against the Sensates as part of a mass of non-sensate people who lack the emotional connection and empathy to feel like they do, implying the whole lot of us are murderous and cold as a result... In this way the evil scientists out to get them are only the very personal version of ALL the struggles they face, represented by that moment in the Xmas special where they all see the writing on the wall at Lito’s house transform into the worst things they have been called.

It takes a much colder view of humanity, making it us or them, and for us, switching which of those groups we identify with by way of sympathy to the main characters. OB is less personal in that way but focuses on the dangers of science trying to create a better human, and while the clones are supposedly all “improved” humans, they have enough flaws, physically and emotionally (although yikes, Krystal makes me sure they have latent super soldier genes none of the others have properly unlocked except maybe the unkillable Helena :P) that they don’t come across as totally othered for more than the unfortunate circumstances of their births they obviously didn’t ask for. Rachel as the only one raised in the know ends up the most dangerous of them all, perhaps for having her sense of humanity denied to her and knowing for most of her life that she was only an experiment and property of the company. What makes the rest of humans human isn’t in question so much as how much the clones might belong with humanity, and that they could grow up oblivious and fit in emotionally, and still have human values even when they discover they’re “only” property and experimental prototypes who’ve been living almost Truman show lives. In that respect, Sarah as the narrator is the most free and human because she was raised outside of the program with no influence from it whatsoever - narratively it’s not coincidental that she and Helena are also the only clones who are fertile and can have children.

... I’ve been making connections all day but this post is really long now so I’m going to stop here. I want to rewatch Orphan Black now, since I noticed it on the Netflix menu and I’m having a bit of a cackling wildly, world at my fingertips moment here. :P

#...#long post for ts #really long post #I really hope that mobile user thing isn't still true #I thought it was only when viewing blogs directly instead of on the dash #okay that's all the tag padding :P #sense8 #orphan black #just some thoughts comparing them at great length #I really want to analyse the ethics they're trying to convey better but I need to A: rewatch orphan black and B: wait for season 2 of Sense8

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coin-news-blog · 5 years ago

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The Jim Bell System

New Post has been published on https://coinmakers.tech/news/the-jim-bell-system

The Jim Bell System

As I write this article on July 3, 2002, I am already hearing out my window the occasional pops of micro-explosives enthusiasts getting a head start on their annual excuse to play with things that go bang and supposedly celebrate their freedom. Tomorrow, libertarians across the country will use the holiday as an opportunity to grouse to disinterested relatives around the barbecue grill about how little freedom we actually have left, or really ever had. LP lifers often say there is no magic bullet to get the kind of society we want, and it will take decades of hard work in the political trenches, and of course, many many donations to the party, before we ever see progress. Conversely, I propose that a nutty guy named Jim Bell has already designed the magic bullet; it just needs to be forged and we will start seeing dramatic positive change immediately.

Since this is a fairly controversial topic, I will start with a psychological self-analysis as a disclaimer.

My primary long-term goal is to live forever. I’m convinced that the exponential improvements in medical technology will curve upwards to infinity within the next century. This means surviving the relatively primitive period between then and now is the major stumbling block. As an atheist, I am faced with the conclusion that this is the only life I have. Therefore I have an enormous incentive to minimize risks to my health and well being, just as a Christian has incentive not to sin; we both would be gambling our presumed eternal life, an unacceptable wager. One such risk I will choose to decline is taking up arms against the United States government. Thus the powers that be who may read this article can rest assured that I will be exhibiting more or less cowardly behavior for the next 75 years or so, and present no security threat whatsoever.

I am simply predicting what will happen and am no more responsible for the outcome than an astronomer who reveals that an asteroid is on course to wipe out DC. Hopefully, the destruction of this particular doomsday rock will be localized around the tyrants.

With that said, I present the following dangerous idea.

My secondary long-term goal is to live free. By that I mean living in a stable, secure, anarcho-capitalist society. The obvious obstacle to this goal is the existence of the State. The problems I face generally in eradicating this persistent pest are that:

The State is actively retarding the progress of science, thus making my immortality timetable more and more dicey.

There aren’t a whole lot of capital resources or individuals enlightened enough to be on my side.

If I die in the process, either from fighting a revolution or from allowing the state to last too long, stalling out science, it will all be for naught (from my perspective anyway)

The challenge then is to devise a plan to remove this obstacle, balancing the considerations of speed, cost, and safety.

In a recent article John T. Kennedy made the excellent point, using the example of a porcupine, that in order to avoid being eaten, one need not necessarily be anywhere near as powerful as the predator, only become an overpriced meal. The historical example of Switzerland in WWII comes to mind. Clearly, with a concentrated effort, the Nazi war machine could have decimated the small neutral country. In fact, Hitler boasted early on in the war that he would “be the butcher of the Swiss.” However, the Swiss militia system was able to mobilize a half million trained riflemen within 48 hours of that pronouncement. Once entrenched in foreboding Alpine terrain, they were ordered to defend the border “to the last cartridge.” The Fuhrer decided to pass on that challenge and instead waltzed through Denmark and France, countries with little to no civilian gun culture.

For our purposes, the State is the predator, and we are the prey. Kennedy mentioned (with appropriate caveats) that Assassination Politics would be one possible method to grow some quills, and raise our price beyond the power monger’s ability to pay. Briefly, the AP system, as I envision its probable implementation, would operate something like this. You come across, say, “www.jimbellsystem.com” and see a long list of names next to dollar amounts. You are then invited to select a name and then submit a guess as to the exact date this person will expire, in exchange for some standard betting fee, like $1, via some as yet undeveloped digital cash scheme. Your dollar is then added to the total on the master list. You can repeat this process as many times, on as many names as you like, or even submit a new name. Strong cryptography protects your anonymity in all cases.

Then when someone on the list inevitably is reaped, the site operator examines all the winning bets (if any) and divides the prize evenly among them, after taking a small percentage as commission. The prize money is then forwarded to anonymous digital cash accounts that the winning bettors indicated when they submitted their entries. In other words, it’s just a standard betting pool system except with paranoid security, and a rather macabre theme. However, the catch is that once a particular name gets some serious cash associated with it, say $1M+, there will be a strong motivation for an unscrupulous bettor to tip the odds dramatically in his favor via direct intervention in the subject’s death. The further catch is that many of the average, non-homicidal bettors will be aware that such unscrupulous opportunists exist and will play the game without any real ambition to randomly pick a correct date, but instead place bets to drive up the prize on persons they despise. The theory goes that politicians will be high on everyone’s shit list, and be the first to rack up attention-getting prize pools. To be wildly optimistic, it is proposed that there will be so many people with a pet peeve against a specific politician, whether they are consciously anarchist or not, that the system will foster a niche industry in assassination, and the collective actions of the market will thereafter make it incredibly dangerous for anyone to seek positions of power. Thus, the people who currently constitute the entity known as government will either die or fearfully resign en masse, and the State will disintegrate.

The fully idealistic conclusion is that this will result in permanent, defensible anarchism, since AP can be just as easily applied to any neo-statists who show up afterward, or any foreign aggressors, assuming there are any states left lacking sufficient internet connectivity to have previously ousted their own rulers.

That’s the summary, I will now debunk the many criticisms of the system, which fall into three broad categories:

Practical failures

Moral failures

Strategic failures

In the first category are objections along practical lines for its basic operation. First of all, is it technically feasible? I am not a programmer, nor even done much homework in the area of encryption/digital cash, however, there are people out there who are certainly experts who seem to think that both of those concepts have a very strong future. For further information on relevant technical matters, I direct you to J. Orlin Grabbe, who does not to my knowledge endorse any form of AP, but does treat the reader to some creative selections of soft porn.

Since I am under-educated in this field, I, unfortunately, will have to pass on any specific technical objections. Logically, though, it seems reasonable to compare the operation of this system to something like a drug cartel. South American drug lords are well known for having top-notch computer systems to keep track of their own affairs, as well as keep tabs on what competitors and Federales are up to. Such cartels are historically very good at surviving against ever increasing law enforcement budgets and political pressure. Since AP’s main business is in computers, and it will most likely be very profitable, it leads me to think that electronically evading cops by similar means may not be a hopeless task.

The second practical objection I will cover is a worst-case scenario, where, in its desperation, the state retaliates against AP by banning non-governmental digital cash entirely. Feds shuts down Paypal and anything like it, and only allow e-cash that’s connected to the magnetic stripe on your National ID, and every transaction monitored.

This unfortunate news bulletin can be handled several ways by AP’s patrons. To go back to our drug cartel analogy, keep in mind that many millions of people around the world flout the law daily to buy, sell and consume illegal pharmaceuticals. Distributors of drugs are everywhere if you know where to look. It is not so hard to imagine an identical network of underground suppliers could meet the demand for anonymous currency, for any number of purposes, not just AP. This could take the form of cash servers completely off the fed grid, or front companies that accept government e-cash and launder it for discreet uses. Depending on the exact nature of whatever new authoritarian legislation gets handed down, any number of solutions could present themselves, and those same millions of current lawbreakers will no doubt solicit them just as eagerly. And the added bonus is there is no physical evidence to be unconstitutionally searched and seized, as is the threat in the drug trade. A few kilobytes of data are probably easier to hide than a trunk full of plant extracts.

In the same vein, the State might get extremely paranoid, and attempt to ban all encryption lacking FBI backdoors. Assuming that civil libertarians are not sufficiently “concerned” to prevent this, more important is the basic impracticality of enforcement. Analogy: It is 2050 and in an understandable appeal to public safety, the Feds outlaw recently invented personal invisibility cloaks. Stormtroopers arrive at my apartment building and question my neighbors. “We have a warrant for the arrest of Robert Vroman for the alleged possession of an illegal invisibility cloak. Have you seen him? No? Hmm.”

Again my technical ignorance may get in the way, but if I can hide the content of my message, how hard is it to hide the source and destination? Internet-savvy outlaws will undoubtedly provide encryption services under the Gestapo’s nose, just like their outlaw digicash cousins, and their outlaw drug peddler ancestors.

But then what if the State, facing imminent destruction, lashes out blindly and tries to shut down the whole friggin internet? Or what if they establish martial law in the scariest uber-polizei-stadt since Adolf was dancing jigs? These and other Orwellian nightmares are possibilities. However, one must consider that any path to anarchism will eventually take us to a point to where the State is cornered and crazed, and thus this is not the fault of AP. On the bright side though, if it is AP that takes us to that juncture, any measures the State take will be short-lived and futile. While they may be able to hold off an armed rebellion or mass non-compliance and make our lives miserable for an indefinite period, AP will march along inexorably chowing down on their human resources and scaring them off, until there’s simply no one left to give orders or receive them.

The third practical objection wonders if anyone will actually put money into AP, above or below ground. Clearly, there will have to be a significant and constant cash flow to keep the wheels turning and the heads rolling. Finding customers is probably the least of our worries. First, on the list are the usual suspects of political extremists.

Hardcore lefties in all their myriad flavors: commies, left-anarchists, eco nuts, feminazis, etc.

Then your hardcore righties: militia psychos, pro-life zealots, Klansmen, dirty cops, uber-moralists, etc

Following with miscellaneous baddies: well heeled foreign terrorists, cultists, sleaze corporations, garden variety sociopaths, drug lords, etc

And that’s just the fringe. I propose that humans as a whole are not very good people. If they were, surely we would not be in the prevailing unacceptable state of affairs. Fortunately one of the main selling points of libertarianism is that it’s the superior system given any level of general morality. In the short term though, AP is well served by the relatively low level evidenced by reality. I predict that given a consequence free chance to hurt someone they despise at low monetary cost, a large percentage will sign up. American citizens donate many millions to political parties every year; clearly they take this stuff seriously. How bad do they want their guy to win? Remember, no one will ever know if you place that bet. You can protest the senselessness of it all in public, wring your hands over the latest poor public servant killed in the line of duty, and then go home and secretly sign the death warrant of that Congress asshole who wants to cut your kid’s daycare. Seriously, look at the kind of people around you, who wouldn’t jump at the chance at that kind of power?

Practically anyone with any political opinions at all can name some office holder they’d rather see gone. It should be no challenge to get enough people with the same name in mind to bet a few bucks and reach a tempting pot.

These people may not be betting against the worst statists in the order an Ancap might prioritize them, but the point is, it doesn’t matter who they bet on, as long as they hit any power holders, because most likely the success of AP will not come from systematically executing every politician, but instead drive them into hiding from fear of their name rising on the list. No matter what direction the fire is coming from, it will keep everyone in Washington’s head down.

But just to drive the point home, forget about Americans who might unexpectedly turn uniformly patriotic and override their petty partisan proclivities. For an easier challenge, let’s toss AP into the mix of some stormy banana republic below the equator. Giving AP to practically any 3rd world country would be like letting the rival faction leaders duel with grenades in a shower stall. Every wannabe El Presidente will openly encourage their followers to bet against the competition and undoubtedly receive the same in return. If you find Somalia encouraging, imagine the entire developing world forced to go the same route.

So I think I’ve established that there will be sufficient demand, the other side of the coin is of course supply. Again, we are well stocked. Last I read, the home of the brave here has some 2 million people imprisoned, 40% of which are deemed ‘violent’. Furthermore, approximately 1% of all violent crimes result in a prisoner. This says to me that there is an abundance of dumb mean folks in this country. One characteristic of the violence prone is they tend to be poor. I imagine that few such criminals actually enjoy risking their life and freedom day after day in robbing random people for watches and wallets. How many would gamble on that One Big Score, if payday were a sure thing?

To name a few, we’ve got the obvious examples, Mafiosos, Hell’s Angels, Islamo-fascists, McVeigh acolytes, etc, plus a virtually bottomless supply of standard small time thugs and starving junkies.

In other words lots and lots of people who wouldn’t think twice about killing anyone for the right price or cause, all being simultaneously offered heaping mounds of cash with no names being mentioned, no questions asked, and no one to have to trust. All guaranteed and anonymous. And the best part is, there’s no need for the ideologically pure to go fling ourselves against leviathan in some ill conceived revolution. I’m sometimes disturbed by the martyrdom complex some Ancaps seem to exhibit; holing up with their favorite rifle and apparently just waiting for the JBTs to show up someday and take down as many with them as possible. Much safer to just pay otherwise worthless people to do the dirty work instead.

To wax poetic, the great melting pot of human society has got scum floating on the top, and scum settled on the bottom. It sure would be great if we could let them thin each other’s ranks, with minimal bystanders getting plugged.

Then again, why count on the competence and boldness of American crooks? Watch the experiment unfold south of the border and see who takes the gamble. In parts of the world where life is cheap, AP might be a chief industry, and provide an excellent test pad for its 1st world conquest.

If there are other practical failures I have missed, I will have to address them in a follow up article. On to the alleged moral failures.

I do not think my audience will contest the notion that tax is theft, enforced regulation is aggression, and basically everything the government does, from bombing foreign kids, to propagandizing local kids, is wrong. Libertarian logic goes on to say that you have a basic right to defend your person and property from aggression, and that if a given level of force is insufficient to deter that aggression, you may justifiable escalate without bound until the aggression is so deterred. Furthermore, you are fully within your rights to contract out your defensive needs to other parties. If the aggressor you are facing is so overwhelming that you can neither personally defend yourself nor openly seek protection services, then it becomes necessary to devise clever systems like AP.

Still, some are concerned that indirectly paying someone to preemptively kill a politician is dangerously close to initiation of force, even if the institution he represents is admittedly oppressive.

First of all maybe you hate the state and have a T-shirt to prove it, but bear no ill will to the lowly 9-to-5er in the local bureaucracy with no real decision making power. Surely that misguided paper shuffler does not deserve to get axed along with the household name tyrants. Fear not, because AP only recognizes the power of the dollar, and unless someone, somewhere is willing to part with a small fortune in order to doom the government peon, he is probably just as safe as every other person listed in the phone book.

The stronger complaint is that no politicians deserve to die, and we should instead get the backing of legions of converts and politely present our leaders with one way tickets to somewhere far away and leave them be. If that were plausible, I’m all for it. Since its not, there’s no reason to protest the forceful alternative.

I am not obsessed with justice or vengeance. I would be perfectly happy to let every reigning politician resign without further punishment, even those that knowingly ordered or caused innocent deaths. For example, I have no desire to expend energy exhuming FDR’s corpse and dragging it around the town square, as my grandfather often insists should be done. In other words, out of sight, out of mind. The only thing that matters is that the rulers leave power, their offices dismantled. Going back to my earlier criteria, I will back whatever method of eviction is the quickest, cheapest, and safest (for me), regardless of the consequences said method brings down on the evictees. If AP is the Q, C, and S, then I shed no tears over however many leaders get snuffed before the rest discover their positions cannot protect them. If any of you have a soft spot for some politician who is “really an ok guy deep down, he just doesn’t get it yet” then hopefully he will be among the first to ‘get it’ and work his damnedest to disappear from public consciousness as fast as possible.

Imagine this scenario: You just went to considerable cost to move into a nice new neighborhood. The day after you move in, you receive the following note in the mail:

Your options are A) pissing away your down payment and leaving, only to find Vroman’s relatives run similar scams in every other neighborhood B) coughing up the 2 grand every year, and futilely trying to convince your sheeple neighbors to petition Boss Vroman to leave you all alone C) killing a few thugs and eventually going down in a hail of lead, D) spend your 2 grand hiring someone to snipe Boss Vroman when he least expects it.

So which will it be, Ex-pat, LP, Waco, or��AP?

Whether you buy that as sufficient excuse or if instead, you buy into Bob Murphy’s pacifism plan, is actually quite irrelevant. Here is the clutch argument. Why Ancaps should not oppose AP is that the fate of anarchism and AP are inextricably entwined. It is obvious that if the system works at all, it will be very profitable to the operators. In Ancapland there will be no law enforcement per se to crack down on a proposed AP operation. Thus it is inevitable that some profit-seeking anarchists, with no fear of state reprisal, will eventually start one or more AP servers.

No matter what route is taken to anarchism, peaceful evangelism or other, the end result will be a society devoid of central authority, and with an AP system in existence, due to simple profit motive.

Furthermore, even if the consequences of AP are a hell on earth comparable with the worst examples of grotesque statism, that is also irrelevant, because AP is unstoppable. Even if we all converted to minarchism so that we could have the benefits of pseudo-libertarianism, while still having a violence monopolist to counteract AP, that changes nothing. AP can destroy any state, minimal or monstrous. No matter what the ultimate outcome wrought by AP, there are no steps we can take that will avoid it. Even embracing the current police state, if that were a serious option, would not provide significant long term resistance to the looming threat of AP. There is nothing short of 100% popular refusal to participate that will prevent AP from tearing down every political office in the world, and given human psychology, that 100% won’t materialize.

Thus the only question is whether AP is useful enough for transition purposes that someone develops it now, or uses other methods to destroy statism first, and wait for AP to show up on its own.

It’s like this. Person A is holding person B hostage at gunpoint. You, being a pacifist, would like to save person B, without killing bad guy A. Unfortunately for your humanitarian plans, person B is a part time ninja, and as soon as the immediate threat of the gun is gone, he is going to snap A’s neck instantly. You also have a gun. So whether you shoot A yourself, or somehow non-lethally disarm him and unleash B’s hands of death, A will die. Thus given the certainty of A’s death (and deserved at that) the primary concern should be the other two people in the equation. If you attempt to disarm A, you could get shot, leaving B still trapped and you dead. Or you could just easily shoot A, saving both yourself and B, but troubling your conscience.

That’s all I have to say about moral issues.

Lastly, there are the criticisms that claim that AP will successfully kill politicians, moral or not, but the real problem is that the system will result in something no better than the current regime. There are common cries that AP will get ‘out of control’. I see two ways this could happen. Foremost is that the operators of AP will somehow appoint themselves de facto rulers in the resulting power vacuum and twist the tool to assassinate their personal enemies at will. This is clearly impossible because if they were able to operate their servers despite the pressure of a state, clearly someone else can operate a competing server despite the pressure of the rogue AP-ists, and if said rogues build themselves a personality cult in a bid for world domination, they make themselves ridiculously easy targets for AP v2.0.

The better reason this is impossible is because ideally the AP system would be so well designed that it would run autonomously, so as to avoid there being any actual operators for the state to arrest. Thus there are no operators to go bad in the post-state world either.

The other possible unintended consequence, opposite that of crypto-dictatorship, is the Randian fear about war of all against all, i.e. ‘bad’ anarchism ala Mad Max. I see little reason to worry about this possibility. If society degenerates to the point that putting a $100 bet on someone dying tomorrow results in a very real possibility that you will be right, then this would imply that AP players are so widespread and killing so unremarkable, that you might as well just whack the person yourself and save the C-note. At this point, AP will fall into disuse for being an unnecessary middleman in the homicide business, except for those rare hard to find targets, as was its original purpose.

Therefore, AP has a feedback loop that prevents it from being practical as a means of facilitating petty murders.

In conclusion, AP is pragmatically sound, ethically justified, and strategically prudent. The only question is when. Watch out State, you’re on a collision course with an extinction level event. I have foreseen it.

Source: news.bitcoin

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preserving-ferretbrain · 6 years ago

Text

Subject Fail

by Wardog

Tuesday, 02 February 2010

Wardog is utterly horrified by the Subject Zero in Mass Effect II~

In case all the squeeing in the playpen hasn’t made it clear, I’m currently playing Mass Effect II – one of my favourite RPGs of all time, not least of all because it has

a genuinely functional morality system,

for once. Mass Effect II takes everything that was even slightly imperfect about Mass Effect I (and there were some issues, believe me – not least of all the cumbersome rumbling around barren planets in the crappy mako) and either polishes it until it shines or throws it out the window. Whoring for renegade and paragon points so you can use your charm / intimidate skills is no longer necessary, and finally they’ve noticed that picking the neutral option shouldn’t be a bum deal, so you actually get a scattering of both renegade and paragon points for charting a course between doormatty sainthood and shooting people in the face. With the result that Mass Effect IIis a little piece of awesome, and I love it passionately.

As much as I enjoyed Dragon Age, I genuinely (and probably heretically) believe that Mass Effect is by far the superior game. By giving you an already established character, Shepard, and the freedom to develop his/her attitude as you wish, it avoids all the problems Dan articulates in

this

article on Dragon Age. I think embracing linearity, as opposed to serving up a poor semblance of freedom, makes for a deeper story and, paradoxically, a more personalised experience. In short, I'd much rather be Shepard within a story constructed all around me, than Second Dwarf Commoner From The Left.

Spoilers incoming.

There's only one fly in my Mass Effect ointment, and that's the character of Subject Zero. Seriously, Bioware, what were you thinking?! To be fair, Mass Effect has always been

a bit dodgy

with its gender politics. But, despite being wet as a rice paddy during a Monsoon (and not in a good way) and the weird virginity fetishisation undertone, Liara did make a decent partner for my Shepard, soothing my renegade inclinations with her tentacles...err...I mean gentle ideals. But Subject Zero goes beyond “hmmm, you were a bit clueless, weren't you?” and into “ye gods, what is wrong with you?”

Before the game came out, there were a couple of trailers to build up excitement and anticipation about the Subject Zero character. Click

here

for the first one. Trying too hard, much? Good grief, she swears! She has tattoos. And a shaved head! How freaky! How alternative! How badass! My tiny mind is blown. Now putting aside the fact she looks, and talks, like your typical Ox Goth, which is off-putting to say the least, this is pretty cringe-worthy but not so out of the usual realm of cringe-worthy wankfantasy videogame characters that I did more than roll my eyes and sigh. It is, however, generally annoying that for a woman to be a badass she also has to be broken (“turns out, mess with someone’s head enough and you can turn a scared kid into an all-powerful bitch"). Healthy women, y’see, wouldn't be getting tattoos and firing guns, oh no, they'd be, I don't know, doing healthy things like sewing or getting married.

Then came the second trailer (which you can see

here

). It's still annoying but it's less “wow, we have a terrible attitude towards women” annoying, and she shows some depth and complexity beyond the over-sexed, broken badass model of the first trailer. Well, at least she does if you’re feeling mildly generous about it.

Part of the problem with the trailers, I think, is the lack of awareness – there seems to be no understanding of how far are we meant to buy Subject Zero's rhetoric, how far she buys it herself, and to what extent it is rhetoric. I like the second trailer more than the first because she seems genuinely psychotic and dangerous – which puts her on par with most of the rest of the cast - as opposed to the first trailer which depicts her as somebody ultimately fearful and pretending. Is she a victim or a badass, or a victim AND a badass, and if the latter how far, and in what ways, are they connected?

And then there's the game itself, where it all goes to shit.

You recruit Subject Zero (or Jack as she is known – which I think is quite cool) from a penal colony called Purgatory as part of the formation of your personal Dirty Dozen. She was sold, as a child, to a dodgy medical facility who tortured her, and a bunch of other kids, in order to increase their biotic abilities. Eventually, Jack managed to kill her way to freedom – causing chaos throughout the galaxy until her arrest. As part of her “gain her loyalty” quest, you take her back to the remains of the facility because … y'know … she's a woman, so she needs closure, or some other touchy feely girly crap. Again, the quest as a whole straddles the border between interesting and annoying. It’s interesting because there’s a brief moment in which the writers seem to be doing something slightly original with Subject Zero - she learns that other children were being abused even worse than she was in order to protect her, and make sure the biotic-enhancement experiments wouldn't kill her. This would genuinely be an intriguing development for someone who, rather self-indulgently and self-destructively, has always perceived herself as a victim. But the game promptly brushes this under the carpet, and instead presents you with the usual “you're a killer, Jack, get used to it” versus “but you have to let go of your past so it no longer controls you” moral dilemma. Yawn. And ultimately what you have here is a sequence which does nothing but prove how completely dominated Subject Zero is by the terrible things that were done to her when she was a kid – so much so that it makes much of her subsequent life of badassery a complete lie.

Of course, it’s perfectly realistic that somebody would, in fact, be completely dominated by the terrible things that happened to them as a child. People are. BUT the game isn’t trying to engage with the far reaching effects of child abuse. It’s offering up the worst kind of male fantasy there is – that of the woman who seems totally strong, but is secretly a broken flower who desperately needs a man to save her. All the characters you recruit to your Suicide Squad are, to a degree, dangerous and fucked up but - even the dying assassin who was trained to be one from the age of six or the scientist who worked on a virus to control an entire alien virus or the dude grown in a tank by a crazy frog alien – no matter how much guilt and remorse they feel, they ultimately own their past, their decisions and their badassery.

Not so Subject Zero. What powers she has were given to her by the people who experimented on her. And all the bad shit she did in her life was not truly her choice, and not something for which she can be held accountable, because she was impelled to it by the damage done to her. (Again, check out Dan’s article

The Victim Dilemma

for more on this) What you’re left with is a completely unthreatening female pseudo-badass.

This is all bad enough but it’s when you start to get into the sexual side of things that you move from cluelessly offensive, and into really really fucking disgustingly offensive. I will admit Subject Zero is kind of hot, and, again, it’s potentially a good thing to have an attractive female character who isn’t conventionally feminine in appearance – although, again, it’s all trying slightly too hard for it to really be effective. And I do kind of wish she’d put a proper shirt on. Having your nipples hanging out is dangerous if you're encountering regular cross fire. Anyway, you can bone Subject Zero in two ways... so to speak, but only if you're a man. Despite having done girls in her past, because it’s a turn on for the male gamer, I suspect, she doesn’t do girls now – because, y’know, bulldykes just aren’t a turn on for the male gamer. And although it’s perfectly reasonable for Subject Zero not to be an equal opportunities bonee in principle, in practice it means she’s still further defined by her status as a male fantasy.

The 'renegade' way is to get it on with Subject Zero is to shaft her against a bulkhead

as soon as the opportunity arises

– she will then discard you because you've proven yourself just another using manslut. The disturbing implication of this is, therefore, that Subject Zero doesn’t actually like sex – otherwise she’d be perfectly happy to keep fucking you, in this cheerful, no strings attached way. Again, although it’s perfectly reasonable that someone with a history of abuse might not enjoy sex and use it as a form of self-harm, the game isn’t actually engaging with this. Subject Zero’s promiscuity, like her badassery, is just another lie because the game simply can’t get its head round the notion that a woman could enjoy casual sex.

The paragon way is to pursue a relationship with her, whereupon she comes to your cabin aaaand

check this shit out

, and try not barf.

Ye Gods. I know the romances in Mass Effect are there to pander to our fantasies (mine just happens to be Garrus Vakarian all the way) but this is absolutely the most destructive and repulsive male fantasy there is. The supposedly 'strong' woman who is actually broken and helpless and just needs a male shoulder to cry on. Because, yes, a woman who weeps while you stick it to her is a real turn on. Don't get me wrong, I understand this fantasy. We all want to save women, especially from the cruelty of other men (see

nice guy syndrome

) but at least I'm self-aware enough to acknowledge it has absolutely nothing to do with women, and is incredibly, unspeakably unhealthy.

Also, just look at the way this scene is animated. You have Subject Zero (not so badass now, eh?) trembling, weeping and wordless, acknowledging that Shepard has a deeper understanding of her needs than she does, admitting tacitly that the person she has become is little more than a façade for her truly vulnerable, properly feminine self. And then she lies down, passive and submissive, her arms stretched over her head while Shepard heals her with his mighty mancock.

Eeeeew!!!

(Just as contrast, do check out

the consummation scene with Miranda

, one of the other female options. I think video-game sex scenes tend to look a bit ridiculous, as the animation isn’t quite up to it, but this is quite fun and sexy. They power dynamic is balanced, Miranda is clearly an active and willing participant, and there’s nothing freakier going on than two healthy, consenting, adult human beings having a good time together).

But Subject Zero isn't a person at all – she was created by the men at the facility, broken by those same men, used by men across the galaxy and ultimately healed again by a man. And by the looks of it, she still doesn't even seem to like sex. In short, they've created a character whose sole purpose in the game is to make men feel good about themselves, without actually threatening or challenging them in any way. What’s hotter than a female badass? A female badass who isn’t actually a badass. What’s hotter than a highly sexed woman? A woman who isn’t actually highly sexed. What’s better than a strong woman? A vulnerable woman who needs a man to hold her. It sickens me. It actually sickens me.

I can take the sexual fantasies romance options in games seem to be offering, but the emotional ones – especially when they invoke the most repulsive aspects of Nice Guy Syndrome – have gone beyond disturbing.

Themes:

Computer Games

Sci-fi / Fantasy

Minority Warrior

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Arthur B

at 13:22 on 2010-02-02Awesome rant. But are you really being a Minority Warrior if you're a woman complaining about a game's portrayal of women? I thought the point of MWing was to leap to the defence of a group you're not actually a member of against the vile iniquities of your own demographic...

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Wardog

at 14:21 on 2010-02-02Arthur, are you saying I can't be a Minority Warrior because I'm a woman?!

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Arthur B

at 14:36 on 2010-02-02I'm saying that, if the defining trait of a Minority Warrior is speaking on behalf of demographics you don't belong to, then you can't be a Minority Warrior whilst speaking for your own demographic. :)

On the other hand, my Minority Warrior instincts say that anyone who self-defines as a Minority Warrior should be recognised as one.

But now I've ended up being a Minority Warrior talking on behalf of Minority Warriors, so I can't be a Minority Warrior, so then I must be because I'm talking on behalf of them, but I can't be because I am one, but I can't be because I'm talking on behalf of them, but I can't be because I am one, but I can't be because I'm talking on behalf of them, but I can't be because I am one, but I can't be because I'm talking on behalf of them, but I can't be because I am one, but I can't be because I'm talking on behalf of them, but I can't be...

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at 17:28 on 2010-02-02Hi guys, first time posting on FerretBrain! I love your articles.

Anyway, I just beat Mass Effect 2 for the first time not long ago, and did in fact pursue the romance with Subject Zero. Looking back, there's really no way to view Jack than the typical Whedonchick, the super badass killer who was secretly traumatized and needs a good man to keep her up. Compare Jack with River.

There's also the comparisons between Jack and Kaiden, from ME1. Kaiden wasn't around in my ME2 save, but in retrospect they've got a bit of a similar backstory. Both were traumatized at a biotics training facility, Jack more than Kaiden, and both ended up killing to get away, Jack more than Kaiden. I'm not sure how much I can say about their comparison other than to note that nobody seemed to like Kaiden at all, although that may have been because his VA was the dude who voiced Carth Onasi.

I'm inclined to cut BioWare some slack for this, since it seems that literally every other female in Mass Effect is pretty much independent, proactive, and self-defined. The other party members in ME2 definitely are: Tali, Miranda, and Samara are all achievers with independent goals who have had tons of success without needing to deal with Shepard. To an extent, Tali and Miranda are defined by being their father's daughters (Miranda much more so than Tali, who is a pretty independently active woman), but they still do tons of stuff on their own, of their own volition. There's also Liara, who is happily the head of her own intelligence agency, doing things for her own reasons. Ashley, these days promoted to high command and the overseer of the entire military branch of a colony.

Even the secondary characters tend to fare pretty well: Emily Wong, Nassana Dantius, Shai'ara, the leader of the crime syndicate you meet in the Presidium in ME1, Matriarch Benezia (who, despite being mindraped by Sovereign, deliberately chose to infiltrate Saren's army and knew the risks that she would end up being indoctrinated; she wasn't just some random chick that Sovereign subjugated because puppet shows, hot)... Generally the women in Mass Effect tend to be pretty strong and very rarely defined as "someone's sister" or "someone's wife" (cf. Warcraft). There is the doctor from ME1, a somewhat archaic Damsel In Distress, but still. Most of the women in the game who get screentime tend to be pretty well-presented.

(Unless this entire analysis has just been my phallocentric manocratic thinking convincing me that the legions of sexual playthings paraded before me in a tentacular orgasmic rape simulator are actually fairly independent, well-characterized women. The curse of a minority warrior!)

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at 22:36 on 2010-02-02Is it just me or did they base Jack on the character of the same name from Chronicles of Riddick?? Even how the game unfolds during the mission on Purgatory, parallels Riddick and Jack's escape from "Crematoria" (prison colony/world).

Your interpretation of Jack reminds me of one of the quotes from Bioware's other character, "Morrigan", from their recent game "Dragon Age: Origins":

"Men are always ready to believe two things about a woman - that she is weak and that she finds him attractive."

Your fixation on gender is rather telling. I could care less that a man "heals" or "saves" Jack, or if a woman does. The paragon scene between them is about love. Love requires you to compromise pride and ego to attain something greater than yourself. What I see are two people engaged in a tender and emotional moment.

I could care less about lust or casual sex. And speaking of strong women, it takes a strong woman to truly give herself completely to intimacy, and the same of course is required of the man, to have a truly loving relationship. Even the word "relationship" implies "more than yourself". Casual sex is entirely selfish, and the preference of the weak willed.

On the contrary I believe it's a testament to Jack strength of will and character, to be so intimate with Shepard, after all she has been through. She's learned (and said in some of the dialogue) that people only act out of selfish concerns, and are not to be trusted.

But then it seems believable given the person Shepard proves himself to be (through paragon actions) and that he is an exceptional individual; peerless... saving the galaxy more than once.

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Wardog

at 23:06 on 2010-02-02@ Webcomcon, hello and welcome to Fb. Thank you for the comment. I suspect Kaiden was universally disliked because he was a whiny bitch and, honestly, game mechanically rubbish - it's amazing how much being a strong addition to your party can make you inclined to really dig someone. I actually liked Carth very much though - and have nothing against the VA.

I will agree that Bioware have done better with the other women in the game - I like Miranda, I adore Tali ... and, well, Samara is a big breasted dominatrix but at least she's not weak. Also from a character rather gendered perspective, I didn't quite *buy* Liara's shift from naive sheltered scientist to cold hard information broker.

I think what bugs me about Subject Zero is the lack of self-awareness in the portrayal - I genuinely believe it's a distasteful fantasy to indulge. Also the fact that it's tied into the morality system is just plain creepy - it's 'renegade' to have sex with a woman when she offers it, but 'paragon' to bone her while she weeps? EEEWWW! EWWWWW! EWWWW!! I think it plays into the idea tha sex is something women give to me to reward them ... rather than something that women want, and can enjoy, on their own terms.

Hello, err, me.yahoo.com/a/2Yqe00sizOcIYBx41yITkDVVKJA_7g--#6c7d4.

Your fixation on gender is rather telling

Telling in what way?

Love requires you to compromise pride and ego to attain something greater than yourself.

Like fuck it does.

What I see are two people engaged in a tender and emotional moment.

Really? Because what I see is a repulsive borderline misogynistic rape fantasy. If a woman started crying when I fucked her, I'd stop. I certainly wouldn't find it some kind of turn on.

And speaking of strong women, it takes a strong woman to truly give herself completely to intimacy, and the same of course is required of the man, to have a truly loving relationship.

And what, precisely, is Shepard giving up or compromising in this scene? It opens with her telling him he was right about everything. Also yours is a rather heterocentric depication of an ideal relationship isn't it?

Casual sex is entirely selfish, and the preference of the weak willed.

And arbitrary judgements are the refuge of the morally and intellectually cowardly.

But then it seems believable given the person Shepard proves himself to be (through paragon actions) and that he is an exceptional individual; peerless... saving the galaxy more than once.

Yes, heaven forefend she actually experience sexual desire.

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at 00:06 on 2010-02-03It's a Randian anti-feminist ideal. The greatest possible exemplar of humanity is the powerful male; the greatest possible exemplar of FEMININITY is a woman who willfully "romantically surrenders" to such a man. Indeed, rape is actually the most legitimate form possible of love, because it's the most authentic representation of man's intrinsic superiority.

Another woman who comes off pretty well: Aria T'loak. Forgot her the first time around.

If I have any interest in Subject Zero, it's because I deliberately mis-read the character and imagine that she really IS coming to the realization that she actually WASN'T the worst off at the Cerberus facility and that most of her misery IS self-inflicted. It's a character arc where she finally realizes that the most destructive thing in her life has been her own refusal to engage with other people relationally, and Shepard finally helps her realize that. It's ba-a-arely suggested by the actual text of ME2.

====

Since I can't reply to the Playpen, mind if I may a few comments on that GamaSutra article? I think it's rather accurate, personally. I'm also of the belief that a more complex game is not necessarily a more interesting game or (most crucially) a more fun game. With Mass Effect, most of its complexity came in the form of rubbish loot that the game vomited up continuously, which was impossible to manage with its complex inventory. The secondary source of complexity was the gigantic skill trees each character had.

There are definitely two options: Refine the systems so that they're complex AND ENTERTAINING, or discard the systems so that you're left with the good stuff you had before. Personally, since I have no interest whatsoever in managing inventory, I'm glad they chucked the "here, receive eight billion copies of the Kolyat VII Sniper Rifle! try to find time to sell all the gear you'll never bother to equip!" system. It might have been interesting to see it upgraded into something Borderlands-esque, but meh.

I'm ambivalent on the reduced complexity in the skill trees. One benefit to the simplified skill trees is that different characters, even ones with the same specialty, are pretty distinct mechanically. Jack in combat doesn't really play like Samara, and Zaeed and Jacob are pretty distinct too. Unlike in ME1, where a Soldier Shepard and Ashley were basically identical, except Shepard was always better because she got more skill points. On the other hand, having tons of options to build your character is neat.

I play more shooters than WRPGs anyway. I really appreciated ME2's refined cover system. It feels infinitely more natural and useful than ME1's, although it's still not as good as the cover in Gears or Uncharted.

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Wardog

at 09:38 on 2010-02-03

It's a Randian anti-feminist ideal

Oh God, it's been such a long time since I've looked at / thought about Rand, but, yes, you're right. There's a kind of romantic re-interpretation of this you can find in early romance novels, when female sexual desire was still something borderline inexpressible. You get a lot of psuedo-rape, awakening to true self yadda yadda stuff, but mainly as a cover so the heroine can get her rocks off without feeling guilty about it.

Another woman who comes off pretty well: Aria T'loak.

Oh, yes, she's awesome. It was really nice to see an Asari not being a nameless merc, lapdancer or a touchy-feely sex counsellor for once. Also I should probably emphasise I don't - in general - have an issue with the portrayal of women in ME. Just Subject Zero; and I was initally quite interested in the character myself because, although there was that 'trying too hard' air about her, I did quite like her, because she was hot, direct and well voice-acted. I thought the visit to her facility very nearly came off well - but then the whole thing degenerated into ICK.

With ref to the Gamasutra article - I think the issue is that a lot of the things ME II has discarded are considered endemic to the cRPG format/genre. I entirely agree with you about inventory mangaement - I want to play the game I've bought, not some tedious tetris-alike whereby I'm juggling resources from one box to another as efficiently as possible. But I think for a lot of people having an inventory that needs managing is as much a part of a cRPG as sprawling skill trees or having to visit a merchant every 10 minutes to offload your crap.

For me, I think a good computer games makes you feel like what you're suppoesd to be. I liked the pared down approach of MEII because all the stuff that made me feel I was playing a computer game (fucking inventory management) has gone and all the stuff that makes me feel like a bad ass sci-fi chick has been amped up. But I think the Gamasutra is right - because of this, it's genuinely debatable whether MEII is an RPG any more.

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Arthur B

at 10:04 on 2010-02-03The inventory management thing is especially odd when, as far as I'm aware, nobody really considers encumbrance rules, which would be their equivalent in tabletop RPGs, to be a necessary or vital component of a tabletop RPG system; I'm aware of several which don't have such a thing.

To be fair, with traditional RPGs you really ought to be able to rely on the participants not abusing this and having their characters running around carrying an obscene amount of kit. But on the other hand, JRPGs quietly gave characters inventories of nigh-unlimited size a long time ago. And I suspect some CRPG inventory systems were developed mainly to keep the size of saved games down, rather than being based on any real consideration of how much characters could actually carry... and have been retained, long past the point where save game size really matters (or at least, past the point where what's in your inventory is going to take up more than a tiny fraction of your saved game).

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at 15:00 on 2010-02-03Base-building and resource management is endemic to the RTS format, and grinding is endemic to the MMO format. While I'm not going to say with absolute certainty that those things are always lame (I've had fun building bases in Earth 2150), I am generally grateful when you get games that pare away that bullshit and give you something actually interesting.

And I suspect some CRPG inventory systems were developed mainly to keep the size of saved games down, rather than being based on any real consideration of how much characters could actually carry

Makes sense, especially when you look at the pencil-and-paper parallels. One obvious difference you have to consider when drawing analogies between CRPGs and tabletop RPGs is the absence of a GM. In Dungeons and Dragons, the dungeon master can just say "knock it off, you moron, you can't carry the entire contents of the dungeon with you" without needing any explicit rules about how you can only carry one hundred and forty pounds per point of Strength modifier.

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Melissa G.

at 15:09 on 2010-02-03I think it would be awesome if instead of a message popping up saying, "You can't carry any more in your backpack", the game message did say, "Knock if off, moron, you can't carry the entire contents of the dungeon with you". Perhaps followed with a "Greedy bastard. Isn't it bad enough that you're robbing corpses!" :-)

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Jamie Johnston

at 21:48 on 2010-02-03

Arthur, are you saying I can't be a Minority Warrior because I'm a woman?!

In the immortal words of Eric Idle,

'Don't you oppress me!'

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at 19:03 on 2010-02-04Some responses to the ME2 article Kyra posted:

Most of the actual criticisms seem fair enough. It would be nice if the levels weren't so clearly delineated between "combat area" and "walking-through area". It would be nice if the mission structure were changed up a bit. His suggestions generally seem reasonable.

Then he gets to the actual analysis, and it's like "This game basically blows and I can't believe anyone is dumb enough to like it, GOOD JOB bioware for blinding all the sheeple and dumbing down your game." Seems like he, too, is happily trumping up a game for the sake of an extreme byline.

It would also be really nice if people could criticize games without calling it "dumbed down". It's been part of the descriptive vocabulary for Deus Ex 2, Mass Effect 2, Modern Warfare 2, Bioshock, and really virtually any game that's gone from a PC background onto a console. Even in the case of Mass Effect, that started life on a console. Even if I buy into the idea that a more complex and difficult game is necessarily a better one, the overtly hostile elitism is incredibly distasteful.

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Rude Cyrus

at 19:38 on 2010-02-04I’m really enjoying Mass Effect 2 so far, and I agree with Kyra’s criticisms. Jack always rubbed me the wrong way, perhaps because she came off as dangerously psychotic, as opposed to, say, Grunt, who was merely antisocial. As creepy as the scene between Shepard and Jack was, I’m not sure you can call it a sex scene, considering they kept their clothes on the entire time. :P

Anyway, my new favorite character has to be Mordin: he initially comes off as a mad scientist-type, but he’s actually quite nuanced. One of the stranger (and more hilarious) moments of the game comes when he makes an offhand remark about singing in a Gilbert and Sullivan opera. When you ask about this, he launches into the Mass Effect version of the Major General song. When it was finished, I sat there for about 12 minutes and muttered “what the fuck” over and over.

As for the article posted in the Playpen -- yeah, I don’t like it, but I’d like to address one of the criticisms: in the “Bring Down the Sky” DLC for the first game, there’s an instance where the aliens do speak their own language, and a codex entry informs us that languages are translated via a subdermal implant, or something like that.

Oh, and I agree that the Paragon/Renegade choices are much smoother.

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at 19:42 on 2010-02-04Mordin is great. I was totally fascinated by his personal attempts to wrestle with the morality of the genophage. Plus he's just fun to listen to.

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Wardog

at 21:17 on 2010-02-04Mordin is fantastic - I'm looking forward to his operatic interlude.

Which reminds me. Amused: did you see the advert for all-Elcor Hamlet?

Garrus is still my homie though. I have no idea what the magic is but he's my favourite video game character ever. Possibly it's the buddy cop movie feel, or his voice acting, or the fact I can now I get it on with him (neither of us crying) but, yeah, Garrus for President!

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Rude Cyrus

at 22:03 on 2010-02-04The game also has, I think, a single example of an actual female krogan. It's easy to miss, but I was still floored.

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Wardog

at 09:31 on 2010-02-05Zomg! WHERE?!!

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Rude Cyrus

at 20:49 on 2010-02-05On Tuchanka, in the shaman's room, is a krogan named Natorth. She talks about being an envoy to the female clans and basically threatens you every time you prompt her. Like I said, easy to miss.

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at 22:24 on 2010-02-05

..there seems to be no understanding of how far are we meant to buy Subject Zero's rhetoric, how far she buys it herself, and to what extent it is rhetoric. I like the second trailer more than the first because she seems genuinely psychotic and dangerous – which puts her on par with most of the rest of the cast - as opposed to the first trailer which depicts her as somebody ultimately fearful and pretending.

The fact that she has killed many people and has no reservation of killing, completely disproves any notion that her killer persona is a pretense. Who cares why she kills, she does, and that alone makes her dangerous and worthy of respect.

I can understand that you don't like her character, but don't try and belittle her. You'd just be underestimating her and that would get you killed. (If she was a real person..since we're comparing her to a real person)

I finally played through the game as male Shepard, so I've seen a different side of Jack (initially I finished the game as the female Shepard).

Maybe the one thing you and others are forgetting is that Shepard is a peerless warrior and leader. Savior of the galaxy, more than once. It only makes sense that Jack would have more respect for him than any other person in her life. And ultimately fall in love. I also imagine she views him as non-threatening, which fosters her attraction to him.

I will concede that I was surprised in

how

she falls in love with Shepard. I suppose for the sake of brevity in the game, the entire process happens in a few scenes. She opens up to him far too quickly.

..but this is absolutely the most destructive and repulsive male fantasy there is. The supposedly 'strong' woman who is actually broken and helpless and just needs a male shoulder to cry on. Because, yes, a woman who weeps while you stick it to her is a real turn on. Don't get me wrong, I understand this fantasy. We all want to save women, especially from the cruelty of other men (see nice guy syndrome) but at least I'm self-aware enough to acknowledge it has absolutely nothing to do with women, and is incredibly, unspeakably unhealthy.

I could care less about what fantasies people have. It's when you allow fantasies to negatively affect/interfere with your life, is when it becomes problematic.

Also, when it comes to saving women or being protective of them, I think it has more to do with a subconscious (and irrational) perception of women as our daughters. Which would explain why men often perceive women as weak. The protective feeling also has no sexual motivation, at least for me, which also corroborates that theory. Weakness in a woman provokes a feeling of tenderness from me, as I see it as an opportunity to show kindness.

Oh and, I never saw her weeping when they were kissing. She only teared up once, initially, after speaking to Shepard. And I can't imagine they were having intercourse either, with their clothes on. Forgive me for saying but that seems like an odd inference. Maybe I'm old fashioned but in that situation, and just in general, I expect a little more foreplay involved before sexual intercourse.

The 'renegade' way is to get it on with Subject Zero is to shaft her against a bulkhead as soon as the opportunity arises – she will then discard you because you've proven yourself just another using manslut. The disturbing implication of this is, therefore, that Subject Zero doesn’t actually like sex – otherwise she’d be perfectly happy to keep fucking you, in this cheerful, no strings attached way.

Or maybe she hoped for more from him and was disappointed. And maybe she feels that as much as she could use him for sex, he would also be using her, which that renegade action made abundantly clear. It also says a lot about what Shepard thinks of her, if he is more concerned with screwing her body than getting to know the person standing in front of him. Maybe she realizes this insult, consciously or not, and feels compelled to deny him the pleasure of sex even if it means not gratifying herself.

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at 22:38 on 2010-02-05The paragon romance scene also goes to show that you never truly know someone. Often people keep their true feelings and their true self hidden. Until they meet the right person(s).

I also don't consider what happened between them to define Jack. It's a far stretch to say that one moment contradicts everything she has done in her life, or who she is.

I wouldn't consider a misanthrope, who found one person worthy of trust and respect, to immediately find all people worthy of some trust and respect. Jack is still the same killer, but as I hinted at before, compromise is intrinsic to love. I think she would always remain distrusting and hostile to people, unless in conflict with their relationship (such as Shepard's friends). I think this is just her fundamental nature, and some things a person can never change about themselves.

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Arthur B

at 22:48 on 2010-02-05

Who cares why she kills, she does, and that alone makes her dangerous and worthy of respect.

Because if you're a killer, you can't also be wracked with doubt and fear.

Also, when it comes to saving women or being protective of them, I think it has more to do with a subconscious (and irrational) perception of women as our daughters.

Because being paternalistic is so much better than being horny.

Maybe she realizes this insult, consciously or not, and feels compelled to deny him the pleasure of sex even if it means not gratifying herself.

Because women are the gatekeepers of sex who ration it out to men if they feel that the men are deserving.

Wow.

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Wardog

at 23:52 on 2010-02-05

(If she was a real person..since we're comparing her to a real person)

I'm not, I'm analysing her, and what her character implies, as a literary construct.

I could care less about what fantasies people have. It's when you allow fantasies to negatively affect/interfere with your life, is when it becomes problematic.

I refer you to your own comment here: "Weakness in a woman provokes a feeling of tenderness from me, as I see it as an opportunity to show kindness." It's kind of sad you need women to show 'weakness' in order to be kind to them; and that you need to use the vulnerability of others to make yourself feel better.

nd I can't imagine they were having intercourse either, with their clothes on. Forgive me for saying but that seems like an odd inference. Maybe I'm old fashioned but in that situation, and just in general, I expect a little more foreplay involved before sexual intercourse.

Err, lies on top of her, begins kissing her face and neck - and then it fades to black. I think that indicates forthcoming sexoring.

Again, this is entirely based on the notion that bad men want sex whereas woman want "something more." There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting physical gratification - it's not "an insult" between two consenting adults. Sex is not something men want and women give - it's an act of mutuality, whether it is based on desire or desire and love.

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Rami

at 06:16 on 2010-02-06

I don't know about you, but the idea of a dude who is so awesome that women's brains melt into loving submission around him sounds like a pretty dysfunctional portrayal of women in general. Worship != Love, y'know.

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Arthur B

at 14:28 on 2010-02-06Even if we take a very generous reading of me.yahoo.com's statement and interpret it as meaning that through his example Shepard inspires respect and loyalty in his/her allies (which isn't completely out there), there's still a

major

difference between respect and love. Love requires respect if it's going to function. But respect does not inevitably lead to love. People don't exist on a relationship continuum from "hatred" to "bonking".

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Jamie Johnston

at 21:35 on 2010-02-06Another indication (if we need another) that there's a categorical difference is that it's generally considered possible and healthy to admire and respect people you've never met, whereas (romantically) loving someone you've never met would be widely regarded as unhealthy or impossible.

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http://ibmiller.livejournal.com/

at 16:15 on 2010-02-07Sorry, random thought, but James Cameron's The Terminator seems built around the idea that loving someone you've never met it totally awesome. But then, I thought the first Terminator was really, really, um, dumb.

Now, admittedly, I am on rather a different ideological spectrum when it comes to gender issues than most of fb (e.g. I like Twilight, though not uncritically). Just want to say that before I comment further, so there's no confusion.

However, I really like the paragon romance with Jack (though I'm not sure I'd really want to play it - I like Tali more). While I see some of the problems of the victim syndrome, I'm not sure if it's necessarily a misogynistic impulse. I'm not really seeing how Jack (who is basically a bald River Tam, without the schizophrenia) learning to love is that different from, say, Katsa from Graceling (ducks). Both are extremely good at killing, both learn to open up emotionally, and both do so to men.

I'm not sure how I regard the idea that the tears are supposed to be a turn on. I don't think that's my reaction to them, as I saw them more as Jack finally trusting someone else instead of humiliation. However, I do see how loathsome and utterly vile nice guy syndrome is. I'm just not sure that this situation really fits that category.

Finally, I think that the Miranda scene is rather stupid - but then, I think Miranda is really, really annoying. I much prefer Tali or (from the first game) Ashley (though I could see how the latter is also open to similar charges, as her whole "I never felt good enough" backstory seems similar to the elements of Jack's backstory found objectionable).

(Side note: where I hang out, there's actually huge numbers of people who liked Kaiden - most of whom also liked Carth. Most of them are 30-40 year old female gamers, I think. Clarifying statement: I hope that my classification of those who like Carth doesn't dig me deeper in the hole I've no doubt I'm already in. I'm afraid it does, though. Nuts. Addendum: I really hope I don't come across quite as a completely arrogant idiot.)

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http://ibmiller.livejournal.com/

at 16:30 on 2010-02-07Hmmm, sorry for double posting, but I should clarify - my purpose in commenting is not that I have an axe to grind, but that I'm genuinely curious - I really don't see how Katsa and Jack are that different.

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Arthur B

at 18:10 on 2010-02-07Hmmm, the way I saw The Terminator I thought that Kyle was sort of boyishly obsessed with Sarah before he met her, but once they met there was in fact a sufficient spark which led to them falling in love. His confession is, after all, a confession, that comes about only once they have known each other for a while and he is opening up emotionally to her and she to him. His first words to her are, after all, "come with me if you want to live", not "I've loved you from afar for years! Come with me, your Time Stalker!"

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Rude Cyrus

at 07:48 on 2010-02-08I've finished ME2, and I haved to admit I have some mixed feelings about it, along with a few worries. First, it feels rather sparse in comparison to the first game -- the structure is basically "recruit people, do loyalty missions, do 3 other main plot missions, the end." It's surprisingly linear compared to its predecessor. Second, I'm worried that ME3 is going to be the same way. Bioware is trying to release ME3 in 2011, which is a surprisingly short development time, considering the first game came out in 2007. I fear they're going the Matrix/Pirates of the Caribbean route by developing both games at the same time. As you know the Matrix/PotC sequels were, well, kind of shit. I don't want that to happen with this franchise. I seriously love it.

Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.

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Wardog

at 16:35 on 2010-02-11@Ibmiller

Don't worry, I won't go off the deep-end :P

On the subject of Jack versus River ... I guess ... look at the series rather than the movie which attempted to tie up lose-ends in a rather unsatisfactory way, I would argue that the difference between Jack and River is that River is comprehensively broken in a way that seems unfixable. I mean, Simon looks after her, yes, but in a way that is delicately and ambiguously portrayed as not exactly being good for both of them. Nobody putting his cock in her and encouraging her to cry will make River 'better.' Nor is there ever any suggestion that what River needs to make her better is to have good ol girly cry about it, and rest her head on the chest of a strong man. (I love Firefly, by the way, River and Simon break my heart)

Also I think the difference between Katsa and Jack is that even though Katsa has issues with emotional (and physical) intimacy and has done some terribly violent things, her strength is unquestionably her own, unlike Jack. Katsa is badass because she is badass, not because she is broken.

Also I'm not sure comparing MEII and Graceling is entirely fair because they're such different mediums but I'll just re-quote my favourite line in the entirety of, well, romance actually:

He laughed “You may hunt for my food and beat me every time we fight, and protect me when we’re attacked, if you like. I’ll thank you for it.” “But I’d never need to protect you, if we were attacked. And I doubt you need me to do your hunting, either.” “True. But you’re better than I am, Katsa. And it doesn’t humiliate me.” He fed a branch to the fire. “It humbles me. But it doesn’t humiliate me.”

There's no element of this mutuality between Jack and the PC - Jack cries and opens herself to intimacy (and screwing), the PC doesn't. Of course, this is entirely a problem of the medium. Romances in computer games can only work in one direction, it's a big part of their limitation as a type of storytelling (although not necessarily as a type of interaction).

I'm probably not expressing myself very well - I am not against the idea of a character like Jack coming to express emotional imtimacy towards the PC, I think it's the juxtaposition of vulnerability / femininity / submission that kind of squicks me out. (I'm not against those things either by the way but I think they have to be explicit and acknowledged). There is no reason that Jack couldn't express her vulnerability and then for the characters to have ... you know ... rather less dodgy, weepy, violiny sex.

Actually if you compare it to, for example, the Tali scene it doesn't hold up well. I mean, Tali is clearly nervous (adorably nervous) and she babbles away until the PC reassures her. She's clearly quite emotionally vulnerable here as well - but when the PC removes her helmet she does this beautiful little thing where she's talking away and she just pounces on him and they kiss their way to silence. It's a lovely lovely little scene, because Tali is clearly entirely herself, healthy, consenting and *totally into you in a physical, sexual way*. Rock on.

I should probably have used Tali rather than Miranda - as I don't like Miranda either (hello ... personality pls?) but I wanted to compare human-against-human.

I also liked Ashley a lot, for what it's worth, and Carth. Does this officially make me 40 now? ;) I don't know why Kaiden didn't work since they're quite similar characters and even have the same VA. There's just something fundamentally decent about Carth, even if he does keep whinging about his dead wife.

And, no, you don't come across as an arrogant idiot - I suspect this whole article makes me sound like I'm frothingly obsessed with gender/sex issues.

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Wardog

at 16:39 on 2010-02-11@Cyrus

I kind of stalled at the end of the loyalty missions - I know exactly what you mean about the sense of linearity. Tbh, linear stories don't bother me but it's a little bit *too* all happening in one room-ish. I remember the first time I landed on the Citadel my tiny mind was completely blown by this vast vast place with all the aliens in it. But there's nothing like that to compare in MEII. I mean Omega is basically just a bar and some shops. There's no sense of this sprawling underworld of crime. I can't believe that such a vast galaxy feels so dinky.

I guess it's problematic since they're essentially burdening themselves with huge trailing tendrils of story as they go along but ... but ... I miss the vastness of spaaaaace.

I will finish it though because, like you, I am still crazily in love with the games.

And also with Garrus.

And also with Mordin who might just be the best video game character EVER. I love his moral complexity.

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https://me.yahoo.com/a/2Yqe00sizOcIYBx41yITkDVVKJA_7g--#6c7d4

at 19:27 on 2010-02-11

Err, lies on top of her, begins kissing her face and neck - and then it fades to black. I think that indicates forthcoming sexoring.

That's the beauty of "fade to black". And the other story elements in the game. It's "open ended", leaving the viewer to see

what they want to see

. How each person interprets a situation is very telling of their thoughts and feelings.

I didn't see that scene having enough passion to make it reasonable to assume they had sex. Maybe all they did was kiss and hug each other. She was distraught, after all, which as you said is a strange emotion to have while consenting to intercourse... And yet you made that assumption. Am I the only one that thinks that a man and woman can just "cuddle" and not require intercourse?

If they did have sex, the scene afterward, shouldn't they have their clothes OFF? Or at the very least be partially nude and covered in a blanket, to imply they had sex?

I said nothing of worship. Jack has a problem trusting anyone, and believes that everyone ultimately take interest in her or uses her, for their own selfish reasons. She even describes her feelings about the last time she fell in love. I think because of the

person

Shepard is, she is more inclined to open up to him emotionally, and out of all the people on that ship, it's for that reason that Shepard seems the most likely person she would fall in love with. Of course, not that I expect her to fall in love with him, I'm just saying it makes sense that she does.

Maybe she doesn't discard him or consider him a "manslut", nor is it evidence that she doesn't like sex. I think that when a person engages in casual sex, the intimate nature of the act can change the way each person feels about the other, namely their physical and emotional compatibility.

Also you assume that he would consent to having sex with her on more than one occasion. Maybe he just wanted to have a fling with her and really pursue someone else, like Miranda. Of course the limitations of the game wouldn't allow this, but it still seems plausible.

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http://ibmiller.livejournal.com/

at 19:55 on 2010-02-11Whew, I'm glad I didn't offend too badly. Thank you for such a thoughtful and helpful response - that does help clarify my questions.

I see what you're saying about River, though I'm curious how this explanation and contrast with Jack's storyline fits with River's only made better through her brother (a man's) actions (in series, at least, though in the movie it was sort of a reverse fridge thing), and her frequent crying in said man's arms (albeit certainly not sexual unless you really, really love squick). I agree that the sex thing seems a bit out of place if looked at as the actual healing action - though I think it's mostly an "awkward placement" thing (or can be), since I think it happens late in the game, and they may have been pressed for where else to put the two events (healing and sex).

I'm confused as the reason Katsa and Jack being badass is important - it isn't a choice on either of their part. It's just that Katsa is born with it, and Jack is experimented on. I actually have problems with the whole "superpowered empowerment" thing, since it's terribly unhelpful if you're trying to say something about the "real world" (and I think it's been analyzed on fb at least once before). I mean, even guys don't get much help from thinking "Well, Spider-man can cling to walls, so I will be a good dude and save people," so why would women say "Well, Buffy/River/Jack/Katsa have a demon/experiments/Grace and can defend themselves, so I will be a strong woman and hit people." Doesn't seem to make sense to me.

I think you highlight the real problem or dissonance between interpretations with your comments on medium problems. I personally would read and play the Jack romance with a lot of imagined scenes (that would be pretty unnecessary for the plot and game mechanics, so I don't think it's really a weakness on the game's part that they're not there) in which the main character also opens up (not only to Jack, but other characters) and is vulnerable. After all, one of the reasons I love BioWare games is that you need party members - I'm not a huge fan of FPS or other single-player games. I like the "interaction" (plus I got fed up with "the Chosen One" trope a long time ago).

However, I agree that the Tali romance plot and scenes rock. But I think the Jack ones aren't necessarily as misogynist - at least you don't have to play them as if they were. But then, I also like to handicap myself in RPG to "roleplay." Like playing KotOR with knives or pistols, just because, and then making up a backstory as to why, when the game is clearly geared towards lightsabers.

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http://rebootfromstart.livejournal.com/

at 19:45 on 2010-02-14

If they did have sex, the scene afterward, shouldn't they have their clothes OFF?

Just a little point here: you don't necessarily need to take your clothes off to have sex.

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Arthur B

at 11:15 on 2010-02-15Also, it's worth pointing out that "fade to black" has had a fairly consistent history of being used to indicate that sexual shenanigans of some nature are about to take place. Yes, it can be used to create a deliberate ambiguity. But it is just as often used - and in the sort of context we're talking about here, is almost

always

used - not to create ambiguity, but to quite unambiguously indicate that sex has occurred without actually showing it.

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Wardog

at 16:29 on 2010-02-15@Ibmiller

I hope you don't think it's a copout that I respond generally rather specifically to individual points - I guess I have real problems with the whole broken / bad-ass spectrum of female characters. I mean it's partially tied in with the Empowerment From Disempowerment aka Victim Dilemma that Dan writes about but I think it just ties in quite awkwardly with notions of strong women and their place in the world. I mean one of the reasons I really loved early season Buffy (before Joss Whedon got bitten by the feminist bug) is that early season Buffy is a genuinely strong female character - in that she kicks vampire ass AND simultaneously is a pretty blonde girl who wants a boyfriend and to be a cheerleader. Of course it's partially a joke (incongruity alert! this small blonde girl is KICK ASS!) but until the show went barging down A HERO MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND MAKE SACRIFICES AND OH BY THE WAY BUFFY IS TOTALLY WRECKED boulevard both aspects of her life had validity... and often you spent the episodes wondering if she would make the cheerleading squad ... oh and also kill the bad guy. I think that's a nice combination, personally. And, again, the thing I really like about early Buffy was that her powers, like getting bitten by a radioactive spider, were just something she had (before she had to get in touch with da spirits of de first slayer or whatever crack that was).

And the different between the broken badass empowered woman versus, say, Spiderman is that although Spiderman struggles to balance being a super-hero and being a normal guy, there's never any question that if he didn't have a moral duty to save people he'd be *fine*. The problems he faces in everyday life are not because, like, he's totally wrecked by his experiences with the spider but because he has chosen a life of ultimate self-sacrfice. You don't doubt for a moment that, if only he could, Mary Jane would be lucky to have him. Whereas with broken bad-ass chicks that which makes them bad-ass is also that which makes them non-fuctional as a person or, implied, as a woman.

I genuinely think the Jack Love Arc is not okay (although I do see your arguments why it might be) - it's not that there's anything per se wrong with a healing-through-lurve thingy, it's the fact that the cRPG format can offer no sense of reciprocity. And the fact he bones her while she cries. Dude. It just strikes me as *potentially* playing into a dodgy fantasy of emotional rescue - you know that the PC can't give her anything (like his cock) while she's "strong" only when she's weak and weeping.

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http://tristanjsstuff.blogspot.com/

at 04:24 on 2010-05-30Out of curiosity, what did you think of Shepard's and Jack's friendship? I've only played through 2 as Nice!Fem!Shepard, and she seemed more like she was trying to 'fix' Jack, and by the end of the game, it seemed more like Jack was on the road to recovery.

Also, I don't understand why Jack wanting closure by blowing the crap out of the hellhole she came from is 'touchy feely crap cause she's a woman'. Sounds like a perfectly understandable (if not reasonable or healthy) response.

Finally, what would you have thought if Jack had all the exact same backstory, personality, motivations and interactions, but was male? Again, I'm just curious.

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Arthur B

at 23:00 on 2010-07-23So I just beat Mass Effect 2. Thoughts:

- I played it as Asshole Shepherd, which is quite good for avoiding sexual creepiness towards Jack. The Renegade attitude towards her (when it doesn't involve trying to bone her) seems to involve a rugged determination not to enable her moping whilst letting her do what's necessary to work through her issues, which just seems miles healthier than "let me heal you with my dick". Either way, I was glad that completing her loyalty mission unlocks the option to make her wear a shirt.

- The loyalty missions could be a bit more diverse. It would be nice to have more which didn't end with the NPC in question confronting a character from their past and either killing them or not killing them. (I quite liked Thane's one for that reason actually).

- I was really impressed with the way they structured the suicide mission and the potential for major NPCs (and you) dying during it. Though apparently Zaeed is a suboptimal person to lead the B-team in the suicide mission, which seems... bizarre. You're told you need to pick someone who's used to leading a team. He once led a whole mercenary army. You'd think he'd be perfect for it.

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Arthur B

at 02:02 on 2010-07-25Double post because I forgot to mention something:

YOU CAN BUY

BOO

AND KEEP HIM IN YOUR CABIN

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Bookwyrm

at 05:08 on 2013-07-05I have a couple questions. When you said Jack was a "pseudo-badass" were you just referring to the story or were you including the game play too? According to

TV Tropes

, Jack is one of the weaker characters despite being touted as one of the most powerful human biotics in the cut scenes.

I haven't played the game myself so I wanted to know if she was at least useful in combat(if you used her at all). Also, what did you think her character in Mass Effect 3?

(Personally I'd like to know how someone with an extensive criminal record and clear psychological issues managed to get a teaching job at Grissom Academy within six months.)

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http://arilou-skiff.livejournal.com/

at 11:59 on 2013-07-05^ Companions don't make that much of a differenc really, pick the one you're most comfortable with.

"- I was really impressed with the way they structured the suicide mission and the potential for major NPCs (and you) dying during it. Though apparently Zaeed is a suboptimal person to lead the B-team in the suicide mission, which seems... bizarre. You're told you need to pick someone who's used to leading a team. He once led a whole mercenary army. You'd think he'd be perfect for it."

He's also the guy whose team always ends up either dead or betraying him :p

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Arthur B

at 12:15 on 2013-07-05

He's also the guy whose team always ends up either dead or betraying him :p

True enough, but the more distance on it I get the more the suicide mission's underlying assumptions and logic seems counter-intuitive and oblique and impenetrable. Which is good if you want people to occasionally die apparently arbitrarily for reasons the player can't fathom, except that really doesn't seem to have been what Bioware were aiming for.

Possibly this is a side effect of me preferring to ignore

ME2

these days, partly because in retrospect I see bits of

ME3

stuff creeping in there (like the weird way it makes you want to consider Cerberus stuff important but then refuses to let you actually interact with it in any interesting fashion) and partly because my peak of enthusiasm for the series was at the end of

ME1

, where it felt like there was still a whole universe out there to explore and the story could go

anywhere

from that point.

#Ferretbrain #Wardog #Video games #Mass Effect #Mass Effect II

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myragewillendworlds · 6 years ago

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the-defiant-pupil reblogged your photo:the-defiant-pupil: myragewillendworlds: ...

Additionally, I’m by far not the only person to be helped by medication. It’s not a “single-case” whatsoever. Millions...

Replying to this separately for length.

"You’re also putting words and meaning into other peoples’ words. Like I’ve already said, [speaking for Dasha] nobody was saying what you think they’re saying."

Reread this until you gain a sense of self-awareness.

"They clearly meant active steps as in actual activity, which is obvious as they were directly talking about exercise and eating healthy."

She clearly meant "taking active steps to change your life for the better" as this is what she actually said. Reread the above once more.

"I actually did read what you said."

Then apparently you missed the parts where I talked about there being a time for diet and exercise and never once vilified these by themselves, merely as some magical cure to large emotional problems. Especially considering nobody was saying “lmao you shouldn’t talk to therapists try diet and exercise as they’re full of shit.” Is that self-awareness kicking in yet?

"People suggesting activities that are known to improve one’s health and well-being is not normally done from a place of ill intention but one of trying to be helpful and make people feel better."

The picture is literally someone cutting off a person trying to speak their feelings just to shout out "Have you tried yoga?" The point of the joke couldn't possibly fly over your head any worse.

"And it legit disturbs me that you think serotonin “bullshit stories”--" "I have never once seen anyone claim that depression is a biological illness."

Maybe there’s a contradiction here.

"That source is an incredibly long read and I could only mange to read half before my low attention span kicked in."

Always a strong counterargument. Really makes me take you seriously.

"Uh, dude, my pills are for anxiety and depression both."

And you tried proving their effectiveness in treating depression by giving an example about your anxiety. Good job.

"Meds are an important tool."

A summary so generic that nobody could really disagree with it and that completely misunderstands anything I've said about the unproven theory of depression being a problem of "low serotonin levels."

"It’s ironic that you’re preaching to the very type of people you’re supposedly defending."

You are only betraying your emotional interpretation with this kind of comment, as well as most of your personal comments. I'm not particularly preaching or defending anyone, I'm trying to correct what I see as an incorrect interpretation. My comment would be the same regardless of who I wrote it to (I'm perfectly aware Dasha has personal experience with depression). Your sensitive reaction to it, decision to take it as a personal attack and general tendency to assumptions are all your own. This is not a first. You do this in general. It's got nothing to do with me. I don’t respond anymore to posts so full of emotional twists and assumptions. I’m responding this once to point that out, in the hope that either you’ll see what you’re doing here or that my condescending tone will piss you off enough to keep you from replying to me again.

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foursprouthappiness-blog · 7 years ago

Text

17 Women Reveal What It’s Really Like To Have Vaginismus

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/17-women-reveal-what-its-really-like-to-have-vaginismus/

17 Women Reveal What It’s Really Like To Have Vaginismus

God & Man

Vaginismus is a medical condition caused by an involuntary muscle spasm that makes penetrating a woman’s vagina almost impossible. If it’s possible at all, it is accompanied by howling pain.

Vaginismus can be primarily a physical condition, a psychological condition, or a mixture of both.

Several possible factors for the condition include a history of sexual abuse, urinary tract infections, vaginal yeast infections, generalized anxiety, and a strict upbringing wherein sex is associated with sin and shame.

Primary vaginismus is a condition in which a woman was never able to experience penetration without pain; secondary vaginismus can develop after initial success with penetration.

Treatments include therapy with vaginal dilators as well as Botox treatments, which reduce vaginal tone.

Since it impedes intimacy, vaginismus can have devastating consequences for a woman’s love life. Here are seventeen women sharing their emotionally and physically traumatic experiences with vaginismus.

1. It was simply the ‘brick wall’ effect. When we tried penetration, my vagina just shut him out.

“I’m 22 and first tried to have sex when I was 16—where there was no pain, it was simply the ‘brick wall’ effect. When we tried penetration, my vagina just shut him out. Since then, I’ve only tried a handful more times, partly because dating and being in a relationship has never been a big priority for me, but also partly because of the knowledge, which I kept a secret from everyone in my life, that something was wrong and I couldn’t.”

2. The pain was like a tearing, burning pain that felt like I was being ripped in half.

“My story began seven years ago when I lost my virginity. It hurt a lot but I thought that was normal for the first time. Then it kept happening. Every time. The pain was like a tearing, burning pain that felt like I was being ripped in half. Sometimes I would be fighting back tears but out of a fear of being uptight, I kept trying and trying and trying. For me, sex became something I had to do to have boyfriend. Not a mutually enjoyable way of displaying affection for another human being. It was, sadly, a transaction.

It got to a point where I knew something was seriously wrong because none of my friends experienced any pain beyond the first time. Granted not many of them experienced orgasm from penetration in itself, but they didn’t seem to mind having sex. Whereas, for me, it was the stuff of nightmares.”

3. Vaginismus is an isolating monster.

“Vaginismus is an isolating monster. That’s about the best way I can describe it. It makes you feel alone in a situation that no one understands, broken and unable to be fixed, helpless despite countless attempts, and betrayed by your own body. You feel frustrated that while with every other situation you are an extremely logical person, you just can’t get your body to listen to you or you can’t understand what is going on.…Fast forward to my honeymoon. Failure. After many attempts, sex just wasn’t happening for us. My husband would say it felt like he was hitting a brick wall. There was no way he was getting in there. For me, it was just painful. My husband was so sweet, but we both were frustrated.”

4. Vaginismus put me in a dark place. I felt this awful feeling in my gut that wouldn’t go away.

“Vaginismus put me in a dark place. I felt this awful feeling in my gut that wouldn’t go away.

What was wrong with me? Why me? Why had this happened to me, the one who had supposedly done everything right by waiting to have sex until after marriage?

My self-esteem plummeted. I didn’t feel sexy or spontaneous anymore. I couldn’t do the one thing everyone wants to do and talks about being the most incredible thing ever. I couldn’t do it. My body wouldn’t let me. Why? Who was I supposed to talk to about this? What would people think? I was terrified to discuss it with anyone who knew me because I didn’t want it to define me. I didn’t want my friend or my sister to look at me and think she’s not a real woman; she can’t have sex. Or it’s all in her head; why doesn’t she just buck up and do it? Because my body wouldn’t let me.

Vaginismus is a protective reflex. And as much as I reminded myself of this, I still blamed myself. I felt so stupid. So alone. I cried almost every day. Crying was actually the only way I felt I could release the pain and stress that I was feeling. I would stand in the shower where the running water would drown out my crying and I would just sob.”

5. My partner was not comfortable penetrating me while I lay there with tears streaming down my cheeks. I felt miserable.

“I can remember only one time in high school that I tried to wear a tampon. I grabbed one of my mom’s, sat on the toilet, and tried to put it in. It wouldn’t go. I remember it just felt tight and uncomfortable. Confused and slightly embarrassed (what girl doesn’t even know how to wear a tampon?), I gave up and went back to wearing pads….Losing your virginity is supposed to hurt, right? (Feminist news flash: No.) But it hurt too much for me to just bear it, and my partner was not comfortable penetrating me while I lay there with tears streaming down my cheeks. I felt miserable. I felt like I was letting my partner down (to his credit, he never ever told me this). I felt like I was at war with my own body….”

6. I felt that my body hated me and would always work against me. I felt that God did not like me, and that I did not deserve to experience such special things as sex and childbirth.

“From quite a young age (approx. 15), I became aware that I was ‘different’. It started, as it often does, with a tampon! I could not insert one—I went through countless packets trying, and would cry after every failed attempt. My boyfriend could not even penetrate me with a finger, so sex was off the table. I desperately tried to allow him in, but would end up in tears due to the pain. I went through various relationships since then (I am 22)….Whether I was single or involved with someone, I had a constant feeling that there was a huge gap in my life. I felt abnormal—like a ‘freak’. I felt that my body hated me and would always work against me. I felt that God did not like me, and that I did not deserve to experience such special things as sex and childbirth. I felt that this was simply my burden to bear—some people get cancer, some get into accidents, some are born into disadvantaged backgrounds, some people can’t see or hear—my burden was that I could never have sex or have children. I learned to block it out, and in some way accept that I could never be a mother or an intimate partner. It is difficult to describe these feelings so matter of factly, because I don’t think I can ever put into words the pain, self-hatred, loneliness, depression, anxiety and deep, deep sadness I felt over the years at such a young and vulnerable age. I felt I was all alone in the world, and I did not really serve a purpose. I was heartbroken and confused.”

7. I grew angry with God for putting us in this situation that I felt we didn’t deserve.

“September 25th, 2009—before the honeymoon, life couldn’t be more than the fairytale it already was. We were making plans; dreaming away about a big house, landing great careers after completing college in the future, having kids we could share our beloved Disney movies with, go on the most romantic vacations around the world.

Naturally, we never knew there is something that could go wrong when everything seemed to be going right…until a certain circumstance provided the opportunity for us to see this.

On our honeymoon, everything came to a halt. Something was very wrong—with me.

We would later learn from an irritated gynecologist that I have vaginismus.

Before knowing that, everything became a blur. I didn’t understand why my body wasn’t functioning normally like the women on TV, romance novels, or basically all of the females in my life.

My husband and his growing temper of frustration intimidated me due to the less answers we had to why we couldn’t consummate. I remember once he prayed with me before we tried again, but I was crying because I already knew that it wasn’t going to happen. I grew angry with God for putting us in this situation that I felt we didn’t deserve.”

8. I suffered in silence. I was deathly afraid of any form of vaginal penetration.

“For 22 years, I suffered in silence. I was deathly afraid of any form of vaginal penetration. I was not able to insert a Q-tip in my vagina much less a tampon. I trembled at the thought of a gynecological exam and over the years I became extremely depressed by the reality of never becoming a real woman because I couldn’t have sex. Sex seemed impossible. I had no idea why this was happening especially since I had a very high libido. I would ask myself questions like ‘Is something wrong with my anatomy?’ ‘Do I not like men enough?’ ‘Am I just destined to be a virgin?’ ‘Intercourse seems like such as simple concept, what is wrong with me?’”

9. Every attempt at any insertion I made, even with a Q-tip, hit a wall created by a malfunction of my own body.

“After 8 years of failing to use tampons, missing pool parties, kicking gynecologists and pitifully informing boyfriends of this seemingly incurable problem, I was at the max point of desperation. I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to hold any kind of stable relationship I wanted. I debated trying to skip every period with birth control. Gynecologists were confused—we knew the term for what I had, but there was nothing for therapy to fix and no place for dilators to go. I wasn’t fearful of sex or penetration, and libido and orgasm had never been issues. I was told over and over that, with the right person and the right timing, and maybe a Xanax, I would naturally just… get over it. But sedatives did nothing. Relaxation, breathing, and moving slow did nothing. Sexual comfort, attraction, and a strong relationship did nothing. I could do kegels like a champion and, as a psychology student, had already ruled out hypnosis. Therapists didn’t seem to understand what the issue was. Every attempt at any insertion I made, even with a Q-tip, hit a wall created by a malfunction of my own body. Opportunities came and went and that moment of breakthrough did not come.”

10. I started to notice that sex was becoming very difficult, almost like my vagina was no longer big enough for a penis.

Almost like it was hitting a wall.

“I have been dealing with vaginismus on and off for three years after a long period of enjoying a normal, healthy sex life. I’ll never really know what caused my vaginismus but always put it down to a combination of a reoccurring case of thrush I suffered with and day to day stress.

My partner and I have been together for just over 6 years and have a great relationship. We were friends for a long time before our first real ‘date’ and are still friends. Making the transition from friends to lovers was interesting but fun, getting to know each other in new ways and learning new things about each other.

At first I started to notice that sex was becoming very difficult, almost like my vagina was no longer big enough for a penis.

Almost like it was hitting a wall. It took me six months of frustrating attempts at sex to eventually see my doctor.”

11. When we tried the first time, we couldn’t even find the entrance to my vagina.

“I had been going out with my partner 7 months when we first attempted intercourse. When we tried the first time, we couldn’t even find the entrance to my vagina. Truth be told, I didn’t really know where it was as I had never seen a diagram and had never really had cause to look for it *smiles* For months after this, we continued trying to have intercourse, until finally I decided myself that I wanted to deal with it. I had briefly come across vaginismus online in the course of doing some research, and had considered that was possibly what I had but I didn’t dare make a self-diagnosis, and so I went to a women’s health centre in the city where I’m from in Ireland, and it was here that I was first diagnosed with vaginismus.”

12. It just would not go in, and him being a virgin too, we just gave up.

“I attempted to have sex the first time when I was 15. It just would not go in, and him being a virgin too, we just gave up. But every time any boyfriend I had tried to touch me down there it hurt, but I never said anything. I had a older female friend who convinced me that I wasn’t supposed to enjoy it. So as I got older I sought out relationships that didn’t revolve around sex, and kept it to myself that something wasn’t right. I married at 18 to man who knew, from our attempts, that I could not get anything in there. So we tried and tried, convinced it was just me needing to be ‘broken’ like any normal virgin.”

13. So back to the wedding night, time for the ‘Big Deal,’ and my vagina didn’t work!

“I had assumed that as a seemingly normal, healthy, twenty-something-year-old virgin (maybe not so normal) that things would go pretty well, you know, sex-wise. I never really noticed anything amiss before. I didn’t wear tampons (they freaked me out). I’d had a pelvic exam once, but it ended with the external examination because my doc thought I seemed too anxious (which I am, I’m super anxious). So back to the wedding night, time for the ‘Big Deal,’ and my vagina didn’t work! WHhaT!? I’d never heard of such a thing in my life! So confusing, awkward and a little painful; my husband and I were bumfuzzled to say the least. It was still a great night, don’t get me wrong, just missed out on the ‘big shebang’ is all.”

14. There’s no other way to describe it than that it feels like a brick wall; my pelvic muscles would clench shut to the point it felt like there was a complete block.

“I’d always been a bit squeamish when it came to anything to do with sex or periods when I was younger; I would faint when they started talking about sex education in high school, and would have to be taken out of class. But when I started thinking about having sex at the age of 18 with my high school boyfriend, it became obvious there was a deeper problem.

No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn’t have sex. Everyone says it’s difficult, they advise you to relax and have some wine, so I did—I had plenty of wine—but still, it never worked. There’s no other way to describe it than that it feels like a brick wall; my pelvic muscles would clench shut to the point it felt like there was a complete block.”

15. The muscles in my thighs tightened, as if I was bracing myself before a plane crash.

“Four months into our relationship — a long time by anyone’s standards — we decided to have sex. Though I’d hooked up with guys at college since the rape, I’d yet to have sex with anyone. I wasn’t afraid, but I wanted the person I was sleeping with to know my story and to care. I didn’t want any casual one-night stand to remind me of what happened that night in 2006. Dave was special to me.

I lay on the bed, on my back. He slipped my dress off me, and I felt overwhelmingly vulnerable. The muscles in my thighs tightened, as if I was bracing myself before a plane crash. I choked on my own breath as he guided himself into me, my vagina contracted and seemed to clench, creating a wall.

He wasn’t getting through. My legs slammed together; the balls of my feet kicked him off me.

‘Whoa, whoa,’ he balanced himself on the post of my bed, ‘what was that?’”

16. My condition definitely made me feel like I had less to offer than other women.

“When I got to college I had a couple sexual partners within my first year, and it was a very nerve-wracking experience to have to tell my partners about my problem. The first guy was ‘super-freaked out’ by it, told me he couldn’t ‘teach me to enjoy sex’ and that was the end of that. The second guy was a little more understanding. However, he did say once that he felt like he was raping me when we were having sex; I was so clearly in pain.

I just forced myself to do it even though I was in intense pain because I wanted to be a normal girl. I knew if I couldn’t have sex, it would basically prohibit me from having any sort of romantic relationship. My condition definitely made me feel like I had less to offer than other women.”

17. It feels like something sharp is scraping my insides.

“I’ve had this condition for 2 years now and it has been the hardest 2 years. I’m in a good relationship with an awesome guy, but vaginismus has definitely put a strain on our relationship.

I did not always have this problem; it just hurt one night and then turned into a continuous thing. The first year it didn’t bother me as much as it confused me. This condition has taken its toll on me both mentally and physically. It feels like something sharp is scraping my insides. But needless to say my partner has gotten way better on the issue and has stood by my side through everything. This year my partner has also been doing research on this topic and has a better understanding on things. He has learned to not let it bother him like it did before. It has been the complete opposite with me. I can honestly say that I have let vaginismus affect me in the worst way.”

#Happiness

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drippeddaily · 7 years ago

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Album of the Year #10: JAY Z - 4:44

Artist: JAY Z

Album: 4:44

Listen:

Apple Music

TIDAL

Background

Throughout all of Jay Z’s past albums, we've come to understand and love this character known for his drug dealing, no-strings-attached sex, and excessive wealth (Jay built his Roc-A-Fella dynasty, became CEO of Def Jam Recordings, and achieved so much more due to his ability to hustle). This character being Jay Z, Hov, Jigga, but not Shawn Carter. Although there have certainly been instances of him being personal in the past (selling drugs to his mother, shooting his brother, feeling responsible for his nephews death, and so on), the large majority of his music has been braggadocio. Magna Carta Holy Grail, his previous album (from 2013), spent almost an hour telling us about his love for riches. Whether that be his collection of Basquiat paintings, designer clothes, or liquor preferences, by the end… well we got the point. Although it did touch on serious topics here and there, it was far from what a 40 year old father would sound fitting discussing. The party-friendly, trap-influenced, attempt at mainstream pandering was about as interesting as watching paint dry. And not even a Basquiat at that.

Now fast forward to 2017. In the time span between 2013 and now, Solange (his sister-in-law), was caught hitting him in an elevator. Then his once close friend, Kanye West, ranted against him. And finally, his wife, Beyonce, made an entire album about him supposedly cheating on her. With controversy at a high surrounding Jay’s respectability, everyone was hungry to hear what he had to say. Curiosity began peaking when billboards and sign began appearing with nothing more that the the numbers “4:44”. It wasn’t much longer until more went up with a date (6.30.17) and a name, JAY Z. No one knew what to expect from a 2017 Jay album, but it’s safe to say he surpassed any and all that prefaced him.

Review

10 seconds into the appropriately titled first track, “Kill Jay Z”, we’re faced with these lines:

Kill Jay Z, they'll never love you

You'll never be enough, let's just keep it real, Jay Z

Fuck Jay Z, I mean, you shot your own brother

First thing off the bat, Jay is dismembering his persona and taking a more self-aware approach. Eric Carter did survive the bullet, and Jay was only a child when this instance took place, but we can see his past mistakes still haunts him to this day. It appears as though he’s still learning how to live with his regrets. What makes “Kill Jay Z” so transparent is that in the process of examining his mistakes and how needs to change, he attacks the ego that has helped him to achieve so much. It’s only fitting he opens up so much on the opening track. Soon after these lines he goes onto discuss how he must change for his children, his tears, pain, regret, and how the mentality he once needed for hustling is no longer necessary. He touches on his relationship with longtime friend and collaborator, Kanye West, and ultimately we can see they’re not in a good place. He ends the song on a few lines referencing how he ‘almost went Eric Benét’, Eric had continually cheated on Halle Berry, giving us a quick glimpse at a very prevalent regret Jay currently has that we will learn most about on the album's title track. Jay’s reflective lyrics flow incredibly well over the soulful (yet modern) No ID production. No ID handles all the production on the album, and each beat is fantastic and perfect for Jay’s crafting. His drums, sample flips, everything, No ID is a legend and absolutely kills it.

A smooth mix of piano and vocal sample (of the legendary Nina Simone) begin “The Story of O.J.”, before Jay comes in discussing the labels that have been attributed to black people in various places of society. The simply worded hook has so much to offer. It shows that people want to separate themselves from molds, but that despite this, due to experiences related to skin colour, there continues to be a common thread and underlying sense of unity. Jay takes 2 perspectives in order to urge people not to abandon recognition of their race, as being aware will help to bring change moreso. This negative viewpoint of his can be seen in this line (most importantly his reaction, listen to how he says it):

O.J. like, "I'm not black, I'm O.J." …okay

The first verse has Jay speaking to what could represent his younger south and many black youth today. He encourages drug dealers to stop before it’s too late and invest their earnings in wise and legitimate ways. The 2nd (and final) verse continues to further discuss how Jay has spent money wisely and also where he wishes he had. Ultimately, Jay wants to help those less-advantaged black youth to become successful like he has, and to live a full life. The goal is to paint himself as a healthy role model but also one that can admit his mistakes, to promote the best choices he can. And for such a race related song, the Simone sample is perfect. “The Story of O.J.” is a great song to show Jay’s growth in maturity, and the beat is especially fitting to this growth.

Jay’s first lines on “Smile” are continuing from where “The Story of O.J.” left off, further discussing his rags to riches and wealth. But it’s right after these first few lines Jay discusses a more personal insight towards his life, with these lines:

Mama had four kids, but she's a lesbian

Had to pretend so long that she's a thespian

Had to hide in the closet, so she medicate

Society shame and the pain was too much to take

Cried tears of joy when you fell in love

Jay is going beyond talking about the challenges gays face and allowing us to see how they have impacted his mother. Society would’ve condemned her for being attracted to the same sex. So, she tried for many years to change and act as if she were straight. This moment serves as another great example of Jay’s personal growth, as he used to use homophobic insults in songs such as “Takeover” and “N- What, N- Who (Originator 99)”. Jay goes on to discuss being loyal, his wealth, overcoming obstacles, Funkmaster Flex, and uses his pen-free abilities to craft great wordplay that Hov is known for. He’s showing happiness for his success, for his mom, and for life, which is only right for a song titled “Smile”. ID did a great job with the catchy Stevie Wonder flip and the song ends with a beautiful poem from Gloria, Jay’s mother. She spreads a positive message that encourages people to be happy with who they are, which is very appropriate based on all she had gone through. I believe it’s the 2nd time she has appeared on a Jay album (first being on The Black Album), and is a great way to close a great song.

“Caught In Their Eyes” has a more happy beat backing Jay. He uses his first verse to describe his struggles growing up and paints a portrait of those who oppose him. All while using some great wordplay. For instance:

I seen eyes wide as they're about to shoot

You can be a hairpin off and you can trigger your roots

On the surface level he’s describing the ways people lived and how they acted, and beyond that is another entendre about Questlove and the legendary Roots. Another line I really like is:

Y'all body language is all remedial

How could you see the difference between you and I?

The first meaning being the literal, that you can’t fathom how many leagues Hov is above you. But also it sounds like the literal letters ‘U’ and ‘I’. Then on top of that, the previous line ended on ‘remedial’, so you expect him to end the following line in the same scheme. This is no mistake, as ‘me and you’ could work easily in ‘you and I’’s place. His change of lyrics makes the words stand out more and is proper English, which could be a play on ‘language’ in ‘body language’. The whole first verse also has a theme of the human body throughout it, body language, hair, his cheek, and at least 3 references to eyes. It’s a short but very interesting and dense verse. Following it, Frank Ocean lends a small and curious hook, touching on the topic of Solipsism and determining what’s real. He claims he’s ready for Earth. Now I’m not certain of what the exact meaning of the hook is and I don’t want to take too big of stretches, but it’s possible it’s too show that the speaker of the song is more real (in a sense of loyalty and principles) than everyone. So much so that he feels as though everything else is literally fiction. Jay uses the 2nd verse to discuss how Londell McMillan (whom he names specifically) screwed over both Jay and Prince’s wished in regards to Prince’s music on streaming services. Despite Prince giving TIDAL (and only TIDAL) permission to use his music, McMillan sued Jay after Prince died in order to gain full control of Prince’s music. He describes the greed that exists in the record industry and ends the verse continuing on the theme of those who oppose him, referencing his ending friendship with Kanye. All of this sounds great over the groovy Nina Simone-sampled beat. I also really like the voice effects on Frank and Jay, it gives a really interesting texture to the song that makes the incredibly smooth beginning of the next track contrast beautifully.

“4:44”, the title track to the album, is in my opinion the most important song to the album. Honestly, I hesitated doing a review on this album because doing this song justice is no easy task. It’s grown to be one of my favourite Jay tracks and my song of the year. But nonetheless I will try!

Do I find it so hard

When I know in my heart

I'm letting you down every day

Letting you down every day

Why do I keep on running away?

No ID opens the song with an incredibly introspective piece of foreshadowing. From this 24 second intro, a red carpet is rolled out for Jay to give us opening lines that speak to us. And he does so with:

Look, I apologize, often womanize

Took for my child to be born, see through a woman's eyes

After years of tracks like Big Pimpin, Girls Girls Girls, Ain’t No N-, On To The Next One, 2 Many Hoes… well you get the idea, he opens up this track with lines that directly oppose and regret such a mindset (and lifestyle). 2017 is the year we saw Jay Z the feminist (at least on this song), and I for one love the growth. Jay not only regrets womanizing, but regrets how he treated his wife Beyonce (asking her not to embarrass him, for instance). He mentions begs Beyonce to pick up the phone and the vocal effect on his voice almost reminds me of a phone call, not sure if that was an intentional connection or not (but it certainly enhances my enjoyment regardless). He goes on to describe Beyonce maturing faster than him, dealing with multiple stillborns (when Jay performed this song live on SNL he actually didn’t say ‘stillborn’ because of the pain), treating her poorly in public, his terrible attempts at being a respectable husband (“I suck at love, I think I need a do-over”), and most notably, his unfaithfulness. As Jay and Beyonce grew apart and desolate from the stillborns, he went to find affection through cheating (I read this in a Genius annotation and haven't been able to verify the timeline so take with a grain of salt). This ripped them further apart, and in verse 3 he describes how a threesome resulted in him almost losing his family (also worth noting it lead to Beyonce’s album Lemonade). He goes a step further in his regret to consider how his children will react to these things (seeing the falsehoods in his father as a hero), once they inevitably do through others via the internet or write-ups (hopefully not this one!). As the song climaxes to this realization, the sample hits harder than ever with the words “I’m never gonna treat you like I should”. The roaring beat and verses make for a truly moving dynamic. Raw emotion is dripping in every aspect here. No I.D. brought out the most regretful and personal side of Shawn Carter. The soulful production, emotional vocals, and brutally honest lyrics makes this song not only one of Jay's best, but most wise. The moment it begins, it demands your attention. You don't have to worry about any fools skimming through this one, Jay.

“Family Feud” begins with Beyonce, which is perfect for the next song on the album. No ID sampled her vocals throughout the beat and her singing with Jay shows us there is always hope (especially after the previous song). Showing hope for relationships is a vital theme to the song, which we’ll see soon. Jay is back to a more confident approach in offering his wisdom. He spends his first verse talking about being successful, exploring religion, and sends a subliminal shot at Drake (“All this old talk left me confused / You'd rather be old rich me or new you?”). He also criticizes certain fans of old school hip hop for their judgements of new school hip hop fashion. Throughout the song wealth is discussed, but now strictly in braggadocio. He want’s to support fellow black peoples in their endeavours, in order to help revolt against black people being less-advantaged as a result of skin colour. This can be shown with:

I'll be damned if I drink some Belvedere while Puff got CÎROC

And throughout the song he says:

Nobody wins when the family feuds

In this case, family is referring to fellow black people. He advises unity and support will help communities, and bring more equality to society. In his Rap Radar interview, he mentions how as you go up in the world of success, there are less and less blacks. He uses his wealth as a goal for others to reach and encourages they do so through helping one and other. The song is both critical of older and newer generations with lines like:

Al Sharpton in the mirror takin' selfies

How is him or Pill Cosby s'posed to help me?

Old n***** never accepted me

And

New n***** is the reason I stopped drinkin' Dos Equis

This attempts to display the different mentalities. He continually mentions that 2 billions is better than 1, representing new and old generations (and his marriage as well). The message is this: put aside your differences and work as a team, because nobody wins when the family feuds.

For the past 24 minutes and 1 seconds, we have seen “Kill Jay Z” in place, essentially abandoning the persona that lead to his success. But there is a change of pace during the duration of “Bam” that makes it so exciting. The first words from Jay (and a reference to “Public Service Announcement”, from TBA) tell you exactly what I mean:

Fuck all this pretty Shawn Carter shit nigga, HOV

The aggressive nature of the line and Damian Marley’s chorus set the song up for Jay to come through to set records straight, and that he does. Dehaven was a drug dealer Jay worked with back in his hustling pre-music days. On social media, Dehaven has routinely claimed Jay never really did much hustling and was a mere runner. Hov spends part of his first verse shooting this down, claiming if he was only a runner he wouldn’t had’ve became the success he is now (as his music and clothing ventures cost a lot to begin). He goes onto explains that his nice side, Shawn, used to be in ‘flight mode’, as he was completely in the Jay Z mindset. This was the side of him that got him to be so wealthy (and continues to push him). Verse 2 is only 12 bars long, but is coated with references and entendres. He uses Rae Sremmurd, Bobby Shmurda, Nat Turner, Kanye, Black Sheep, and even the fact that he skips leg day, all to brag to us in the most clever ways. The mention of Rae and Bobby also could tie back to “Family Feud”, as it’s touching on the theme of newschool rappers. The hard hitting street reggae provide Jay with the perfect backdrop for him to use his ego for good and let people know he’s not fabricated.

The title of “Moonlight” is a reference to the film by the same name. It famously was confused with La La Land at the most recent Academy Awards, which Jay references in the hook of “Moonlight”. What makes the film Moonlight noteworthy is that it is the first film to win a Grammy for Best Picture that features an all black class, as well as the first LGBT movie to do the same. Moonlight is special because it excels without being like every other popular movie. The song “Moonlight” is asking rappers to apply this same principle to their artistry, as many popular rap acts aren’t experimenting or pushing the boundaries creativity-wise. Jay isn’t impressed:

Y'all got the same fuckin' flows

I don't know who is who

Jay pokes fun at the skrrt adlib (used by popular trap acts), how artists use the internet to snitch on themselves (for image), and how many of them not only make the same music, but share the same image. It particularly annoys Jay at the ego many of these artists share:

Stop walkin' around like y'all made Thriller, huh?

Jay also references how many rappers are signing to their first label offers, and specifically mentions how Lauryn Hill struggled with labels. This is a fitting choice of reference as the song samples Fu-Gee-La. Which gives the chorus’s use of La La Land 3 meanings:reference to film, reference to sample, and reference to artists being ignorant about their quality of music. Jay’s career proves you can make yourself successful without a label’s early on help, whilst innovating and making non formulaic music. This song alone pushes boundaries, in topics for sure, but instrumentally the beat is constantly changing and adjusting (which can be said for 4:44’s production as a whole, in fact). Even his flow is unique, in how he sways his words without ever sticking to one rhythm. He also lived the criminal life many artists use for their image. This gives his words on these topics more respect than otherwise. The song ends criticizing labels for their treatment of artists, mentioning specific CEO’s, in hopes this will sway young artists. Chance, Nas, Lupe, and tons more in the rap industry alone have contributed to this argument all the same. Time will tell if their message and “Moonlight”’s will have an influence or not. Hopefully a healthy change will be made.

Marcy Me is a song made to reflect on his past by tracing out homages to his influences and heroes. Before I break down his lyrics, I gotta say Jay’s flow is as good as it ever has been and the piano/drums/vocal-sample/etc work so well with it. This sample is so obscure on some Madlib type style too (“Todo o mundo e ninguém” By Quarteto 1111, from 1970, if anyone’s curious). Onto the rest of the song! The title alone pays respect to the legendary Marvin Gaye and his track Mercy Me. Then the intro is a Biggie quotation that ends before bragging about sex, which is appropriate for the album and it’s apologetic tones. From there, we see mentions of Jam Master Jay (of Run-DMC, RIP), Dennis Rodman, Michael Jordan, Tichina Arnold (an actress on Martin), Denzel Washington, Slick Rick, and Lisa Bonet. And that’s just within the 1st verse. What’s significant about the nostalgia-riddled details is that each of them helped give a young Shawn hope in Marcy, Brooklyn. He describes marcy with:

I'm from Marcy Houses, where the boys die by the thousand These role models let him keep his head up despite his environment, and because he had hope, he was able to be ambitious, ultimately leading to the development of the Jay Z character that this album has previously explored. We learned earlier that he created Hov as a means to succeed, and we now learn that Hov was able to exist in the first place largely due to the success of other black people. Inspiration was a key factor to his success. Verse 2 has Jay reflecting on his rags to riches story, touching on topics such as cocaine, murderers, areas of Marcy, and rappers that have passed (“rappers turned murals”) or influenced him. Jay sounds confident and relaxed simultaneously. Verse 2 is the definition of ‘cool, calm, and collected’. To end the song, The-Dream (who is way too underrated, just saying) sings a slower outro about remaining true to oneself. It’s a beautiful way to end such a well-constructed strong.

“Legacy” begins with a voice recording of his daughter asking what a will is. Jay uses this to explore how his wealth will benefit his kids and so on, and to explore how family history has impacted his life as well. The word ‘legacy’ refers to the wealth left in a will, as well as the aftermath of a predecessor (which can be from a will but not necessarily). The song explores both sides of the coin. The opening verse is more directed as an answer to his daughter’s initial question, talking about how TIDAL, Roc Nation, Ace of Spades, D’USSE, and such business ventures will go onto support his kids and relatives extensively. This side of the song already feels like a personal discussion just between Jay and his kids about what will follow after he dies. He ends verse 1 on his goal of creating generational wealth and even talks about how blacks are discriminated against in the tech industry. Verse 2 goes into even more personal territory about how Jay’s grandfather molested his aunt (of his father’s side). He claims he may one day forgive him for these actions, but that this negative situation had a silver lining for Jay. His grandfather was a pastor, and due to this, Jay wrote off Christianity (by assuming his grand father’s actions were reflective of the religion he promoted). As a result, he explored other religions. This allowed him a diverse understanding of various sets of beliefs, influencing him to be the critical thinking and understanding person he is today. “Legacy” shows how our actions can influence many generations, and through the most personal ways possible. For such heavy messages, Jay brings hope. Hope is communicated so well through the background horns and James Fauntleroy background singing too. It’s a brilliant closer to the album (if you exclude the bonus tracks). Fun fun fact about Legacy: This song samples Donny Hathaway’s 1971 song “Someday We’ll All Be Free, which was recorded by Jimmy Douglas. Fast forward decades and Douglas mixed all of 4:44.

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Just kidding! Who needs exclusivity?

“Adnis” is named after Adnis Reeves, Jay’s father (who passed away in ‘03). Adnis abandoned Jay when he was just a child (around 11 or 12). Reeves had spent less and less time at home, in hopes of finding his brother’s killer. Eventually he picked up drug addictions and left home entirely, never contacting Jay. They did meet up eventually, in 2002, and from that meeting he forgave Adnis for abandoning him. This allowed him to drop anger that he held onto for so many years and in place he was able to overcome love/trust issues. “Adnis” is ‘an open letter to [Jay’s] dad that [he] never wrote’. In a very slow flow over a very relaxed beat, Carter discusses how Reeves caused him lots of anger growing up. He mentions how he wrote about wanting to fight him, as a means of expressing that anger. He also recognized himself in stories of his father, and gave thought to how his grandfather’s malicious (previously discussed in “Legacy”) actions may have impacted Adnis. He mentions how before Adnis’ brother died, he was a good person and that he taught Jay valuable lessons. Including loving his step siblings no different than non-step siblings. It’s clear from the first verse that Adnis was a good father and a role model to Jay during some of his earliest formative years. Verse 2 mentions how despite being the youngest in his family, and despite his father’s leave, he eventually became the leader of his family. He mentions how his father reacted poorly to his uncle’s death, because according to their beliefs, his uncle was in a better place. Life was out of Adnis’ hands, instead there were bottles and needles. Despite his father becoming a terrible role model, Jay takes pride in him being a caring parent and husband. It’s a sweet note to end on after the previous more harder to swallow sorrows. Jay doesn’t shy away from talking about emotional subjects, I have no doubt this song was hard to make for him. And then to release such an open and personal song, exposing your thoughts and feelings to the public, couldn’t have been so easy. But I’m grateful he did, because “Adnis” is one of the best this year.

Blue’s Freestyle / We Family opens up with Jay’s daughter Blue spitting some straight bars about how she’s never seen a ceiling, seeking those who are innocent, and most interestingly about how everything is shakalaka. I can’t disagree with her there! It’s a cute little opener to a more light hearted sounding song. The beat has some hawaiian influence and Jay never goes to in depth, as each verse is only about 6 lines long (although there are 4 of them). In the short amount of time he does however cover a lot of ground, referencing illuminati claims, his thankfulness for his wife, celebration of heritage, black unity, drug dealing, his worldwide fans, Donald Trump (and his concerns about him), and his excessive travelling. Quite possibly the most amount of topics covered in one song when compared to any other one on the album. And in between each verse is a small hook claiming he’s part of a family. All of these topics, although seemingly unrelated, connect back to the construct of family. His illuminati controversy is because he has heritage (from family members) that roots back to the use of voodoo, he claims tauntingly. His wife is part of his family, and her heritage has played a role in shaping their kids and thus his family. Worldwide fans and black unity are alike in that they are united for a common goal that Jay is involved in, making them family. Drug dealing played a role in his success and as a result him meeting Beyonce, etc. Donald Trump concerns Jay because he cares for his fellow Americans, they’re a form of family as well. What makes this song great is the spider web Jay creates, connecting so many topics so quickly into a light sounding coherent song. And the intro is really all to perfect as an opener for it. Now we just gotta wait on Blue’s mixtape.

MaNyafaCedGod (which I’m sure Jay titled like a cap sensitive password in order to aggravate bloggers, anyone else think of that Spongebob meme?) is possibly the most underrated track on the album. It’s got a great beat change, soothing James Blake singing, and really dense honest lyrics. The first beat is real smooth with James on the keys. The first verse talks about Beyonce and Jay Z’s tour together and how it served as a means of healing for them. Among forms of coping, such as drinking, smoking, vacay, and sex. He touches on themes mentioned earlier in the album, such as the ‘what if’ thoughts of losing his kids and wife over stupid decisions he made. During the tour together Jay mentions how after he performed “Song Cry”, she’d perform “Resentment” and that this order of songs was a very real reflection of the emotions they were experiencing. Fauntleroy ends the 1st half of the song with a very poetic piece about changing out of the fear of loneliness, most likely to reflect Jay’s mindset during the aftermath of his cheating. Then the 2nd half begins with a more menacing anxious beat and Jay gives us the final verse on the album (if you’re counting bonus tracks, that is). He begins by mentioning how him and Bey would have to put on an act to look happy for media even though they were not, but that this served as an opportunity to force themselves to look for the good in life. From here, Jay continues in a more prideful and strong commentary in regards to his marriage. He says that they get each other, and will always have one and other through all. He compares their relationship to kintsukuroi, a Japanese method of fixing broken pottery by using gold as a bind, resulting in a more beautiful piece. In a similar sense, his marriage is better than ever despite the obstacles it faced. He believes that all these challenges have happened because of forces that are beyond his control, and that people must do their best to handle every situation. He gives us the advice his mother gave him, and that is to never go to bed mad at a loved one. Rather talk out the issues and get peace of mind, sound advice from a guy who’s been through so much.

And that is the final song on the project. To conclude, 4:44 is a brilliant album that dives deep into Jay’s most heart-wrenching thoughts and with them comes mature responses. No ID (with some help from James Fauntleroy and occasional sample recommendations from Hov) brings this out in Jay with soul sampling beats that come off nostalgic yet unique, like an updated version of The Blueprint. The verses,the beats, the vocals, the mixing, everything, is done in a way that translates into a feeling of being personal. It’s personal, it’s mature, it’s revealing, it’s emotional, it’s soothing, it’s therapeutic. It extensively covers so much ground in so little time. 4:44 is not only my favourite album of 2017, but one of Jay’s best albums yet.

Favorite Lyrics

I'm surprised you ain't auction off the casket

Caught In Their Eyes

Y'all on the 'Gram holdin' money to your ear

There's a disconnect, we don't call that money over here

The Story of OJ

Mama had four kids, but she's a lesbian

Had to pretend so long that she's a thespian

Had to hide in the closet, so she medicate

Society shame and the pain was too much to take

Cried tears of joy when you fell in love

Don't matter to me if it's a him or her

Smile

I seen the innocence leave your eyes

I still mourn this death and

I apologize for all the stillborns cause I wasn't present

Your body wouldn't accept it

4:44

Talking Points

Do you think Jay made the right call ending the album at Legacy?

Do you think Jay made the right decision not to have any radio singles for the album?

Where does this album compare among the rest of his discography?

Where does he go from here?

How do you feel about the mixing on some of Jay’s vocals?

Do you agree with Jay’s social commentary on songs like Family Feud and Story of OJ?

Thoughts on Jay's flows? Marcy Me is very different from some other songs because the other ones doesn't showcase flow as much

And favourite lyrics/songs/moments etc

(Edit - James Blake not Fauntleroy correction made)

Artist: JAY ZAlbum: 4:44Listen:Apple MusicTIDALBackgroundThroughout all of Jay Z’s past albums, we've come to understand and love this character known for his drug dealing, no-strings-attached sex, and excessive wealth (Jay built his Roc-A-Fella dynasty, became CEO of Def Jam Recordings, and achieved so much more due to his ability to hustle). This character being Jay Z, Hov, Jigga, but not Shawn Carter. Although there have certainly been instances of him being personal in the past (selling drugs to his mother, shooting his brother, feeling responsible for his nephews death, and so on), the large majority of his music has been braggadocio. Magna Carta Holy Grail, his previous album (from 2013), spent almost an hour telling us about his love for riches. Whether that be his collection of Basquiat paintings, designer clothes, or liquor preferences, by the end… well we got the point. Although it did touch on serious topics here and there, it was far from what a 40 year old father would sound fitting discussing. The party-friendly, trap-influenced, attempt at mainstream pandering was about as interesting as watching paint dry. And not even a Basquiat at that.Now fast forward to 2017. In the time span between 2013 and now, Solange (his sister-in-law), was caught hitting him in an elevator. Then his once close friend, Kanye West, ranted against him. And finally, his wife, Beyonce, made an entire album about him supposedly cheating on her. With controversy at a high surrounding Jay’s respectability, everyone was hungry to hear what he had to say. Curiosity began peaking when billboards and sign began appearing with nothing more that the the numbers “4:44”. It wasn’t much longer until more went up with a date (6.30.17) and a name, JAY Z. No one knew what to expect from a 2017 Jay album, but it’s safe to say he surpassed any and all that prefaced him.Review10 seconds into the appropriately titled first track, “Kill Jay Z”, we’re faced with these lines:Kill Jay Z, they'll never love youYou'll never be enough, let's just keep it real, Jay ZFuck Jay Z, I mean, you shot your own brotherFirst thing off the bat, Jay is dismembering his persona and taking a more self-aware approach. Eric Carter did survive the bullet, and Jay was only a child when this instance took place, but we can see his past mistakes still haunts him to this day. It appears as though he’s still learning how to live with his regrets. What makes “Kill Jay Z” so transparent is that in the process of examining his mistakes and how needs to change, he attacks the ego that has helped him to achieve so much. It’s only fitting he opens up so much on the opening track. Soon after these lines he goes onto discuss how he must change for his children, his tears, pain, regret, and how the mentality he once needed for hustling is no longer necessary. He touches on his relationship with longtime friend and collaborator, Kanye West, and ultimately we can see they’re not in a good place. He ends the song on a few lines referencing how he ‘almost went Eric Benét’, Eric had continually cheated on Halle Berry, giving us a quick glimpse at a very prevalent regret Jay currently has that we will learn most about on the album's title track. Jay’s reflective lyrics flow incredibly well over the soulful (yet modern) No ID production. No ID handles all the production on the album, and each beat is fantastic and perfect for Jay’s crafting. His drums, sample flips, everything, No ID is a legend and absolutely kills it.A smooth mix of piano and vocal sample (of the legendary Nina Simone) begin “The Story of O.J.”, before Jay comes in discussing the labels that have been attributed to black people in various places of society. The simply worded hook has so much to offer. It shows that people want to separate themselves from molds, but that despite this, due to experiences related to skin colour, there continues to be a common thread and underlying sense of unity. Jay takes 2 perspectives in order to urge people not to abandon recognition of their race, as being aware will help to bring change moreso. This negative viewpoint of his can be seen in this line (most importantly his reaction, listen to how he says it):O.J. like, "I'm not black, I'm O.J." …okayThe first verse has Jay speaking to what could represent his younger south and many black youth today. He encourages drug dealers to stop before it’s too late and invest their earnings in wise and legitimate ways. The 2nd (and final) verse continues to further discuss how Jay has spent money wisely and also where he wishes he had. Ultimately, Jay wants to help those less-advantaged black youth to become successful like he has, and to live a full life. The goal is to paint himself as a healthy role model but also one that can admit his mistakes, to promote the best choices he can. And for such a race related song, the Simone sample is perfect. “The Story of O.J.” is a great song to show Jay’s growth in maturity, and the beat is especially fitting to this growth.Jay’s first lines on “Smile” are continuing from where “The Story of O.J.” left off, further discussing his rags to riches and wealth. But it’s right after these first few lines Jay discusses a more personal insight towards his life, with these lines:Mama had four kids, but she's a lesbianHad to pretend so long that she's a thespianHad to hide in the closet, so she medicateSociety shame and the pain was too much to takeCried tears of joy when you fell in loveJay is going beyond talking about the challenges gays face and allowing us to see how they have impacted his mother. Society would’ve condemned her for being attracted to the same sex. So, she tried for many years to change and act as if she were straight. This moment serves as another great example of Jay’s personal growth, as he used to use homophobic insults in songs such as “Takeover” and “N- What, N- Who (Originator 99)”. Jay goes on to discuss being loyal, his wealth, overcoming obstacles, Funkmaster Flex, and uses his pen-free abilities to craft great wordplay that Hov is known for. He’s showing happiness for his success, for his mom, and for life, which is only right for a song titled “Smile”. ID did a great job with the catchy Stevie Wonder flip and the song ends with a beautiful poem from Gloria, Jay’s mother. She spreads a positive message that encourages people to be happy with who they are, which is very appropriate based on all she had gone through. I believe it’s the 2nd time she has appeared on a Jay album (first being on The Black Album), and is a great way to close a great song.“Caught In Their Eyes” has a more happy beat backing Jay. He uses his first verse to describe his struggles growing up and paints a portrait of those who oppose him. All while using some great wordplay. For instance:I seen eyes wide as they're about to shootYou can be a hairpin off and you can trigger your rootsOn the surface level he’s describing the ways people lived and how they acted, and beyond that is another entendre about Questlove and the legendary Roots. Another line I really like is:Y'all body language is all remedialHow could you see the difference between you and I?The first meaning being the literal, that you can’t fathom how many leagues Hov is above you. But also it sounds like the literal letters ‘U’ and ‘I’. Then on top of that, the previous line ended on ‘remedial’, so you expect him to end the following line in the same scheme. This is no mistake, as ‘me and you’ could work easily in ‘you and I’’s place. His change of lyrics makes the words stand out more and is proper English, which could be a play on ‘language’ in ‘body language’. The whole first verse also has a theme of the human body throughout it, body language, hair, his cheek, and at least 3 references to eyes. It’s a short but very interesting and dense verse. Following it, Frank Ocean lends a small and curious hook, touching on the topic of Solipsism and determining what’s real. He claims he’s ready for Earth. Now I’m not certain of what the exact meaning of the hook is and I don’t want to take too big of stretches, but it’s possible it’s too show that the speaker of the song is more real (in a sense of loyalty and principles) than everyone. So much so that he feels as though everything else is literally fiction. Jay uses the 2nd verse to discuss how Londell McMillan (whom he names specifically) screwed over both Jay and Prince’s wished in regards to Prince’s music on streaming services. Despite Prince giving TIDAL (and only TIDAL) permission to use his music, McMillan sued Jay after Prince died in order to gain full control of Prince’s music. He describes the greed that exists in the record industry and ends the verse continuing on the theme of those who oppose him, referencing his ending friendship with Kanye. All of this sounds great over the groovy Nina Simone-sampled beat. I also really like the voice effects on Frank and Jay, it gives a really interesting texture to the song that makes the incredibly smooth beginning of the next track contrast beautifully.“4:44”, the title track to the album, is in my opinion the most important song to the album. Honestly, I hesitated doing a review on this album because doing this song justice is no easy task. It’s grown to be one of my favourite Jay tracks and my song of the year. But nonetheless I will try!Do I find it so hardWhen I know in my heartI'm letting you down every dayLetting you down every dayWhy do I keep on running away?No ID opens the song with an incredibly introspective piece of foreshadowing. From this 24 second intro, a red carpet is rolled out for Jay to give us opening lines that speak to us. And he does so with:Look, I apologize, often womanizeTook for my child to be born, see through a woman's eyesAfter years of tracks like Big Pimpin, Girls Girls Girls, Ain’t No N-, On To The Next One, 2 Many Hoes… well you get the idea, he opens up this track with lines that directly oppose and regret such a mindset (and lifestyle). 2017 is the year we saw Jay Z the feminist (at least on this song), and I for one love the growth. Jay not only regrets womanizing, but regrets how he treated his wife Beyonce (asking her not to embarrass him, for instance). He mentions begs Beyonce to pick up the phone and the vocal effect on his voice almost reminds me of a phone call, not sure if that was an intentional connection or not (but it certainly enhances my enjoyment regardless). He goes on to describe Beyonce maturing faster than him, dealing with multiple stillborns (when Jay performed this song live on SNL he actually didn’t say ‘stillborn’ because of the pain), treating her poorly in public, his terrible attempts at being a respectable husband (“I suck at love, I think I need a do-over”), and most notably, his unfaithfulness. As Jay and Beyonce grew apart and desolate from the stillborns, he went to find affection through cheating (I read this in a Genius annotation and haven't been able to verify the timeline so take with a grain of salt). This ripped them further apart, and in verse 3 he describes how a threesome resulted in him almost losing his family (also worth noting it lead to Beyonce’s album Lemonade). He goes a step further in his regret to consider how his children will react to these things (seeing the falsehoods in his father as a hero), once they inevitably do through others via the internet or write-ups (hopefully not this one!). As the song climaxes to this realization, the sample hits harder than ever with the words “I’m never gonna treat you like I should”. The roaring beat and verses make for a truly moving dynamic. Raw emotion is dripping in every aspect here. No I.D. brought out the most regretful and personal side of Shawn Carter. The soulful production, emotional vocals, and brutally honest lyrics makes this song not only one of Jay's best, but most wise. The moment it begins, it demands your attention. You don't have to worry about any fools skimming through this one, Jay.“Family Feud” begins with Beyonce, which is perfect for the next song on the album. No ID sampled her vocals throughout the beat and her singing with Jay shows us there is always hope (especially after the previous song). Showing hope for relationships is a vital theme to the song, which we’ll see soon. Jay is back to a more confident approach in offering his wisdom. He spends his first verse talking about being successful, exploring religion, and sends a subliminal shot at Drake (“All this old talk left me confused / You'd rather be old rich me or new you?”). He also criticizes certain fans of old school hip hop for their judgements of new school hip hop fashion. Throughout the song wealth is discussed, but now strictly in braggadocio. He want’s to support fellow black peoples in their endeavours, in order to help revolt against black people being less-advantaged as a result of skin colour. This can be shown with:I'll be damned if I drink some Belvedere while Puff got CÎROCAnd throughout the song he says:Nobody wins when the family feudsIn this case, family is referring to fellow black people. He advises unity and support will help communities, and bring more equality to society. In his Rap Radar interview, he mentions how as you go up in the world of success, there are less and less blacks. He uses his wealth as a goal for others to reach and encourages they do so through helping one and other. The song is both critical of older and newer generations with lines like:Al Sharpton in the mirror takin' selfiesHow is him or Pill Cosby s'posed to help me?Old n***** never accepted meAndNew n***** is the reason I stopped drinkin' Dos EquisThis attempts to display the different mentalities. He continually mentions that 2 billions is better than 1, representing new and old generations (and his marriage as well). The message is this: put aside your differences and work as a team, because nobody wins when the family feuds.For the past 24 minutes and 1 seconds, we have seen “Kill Jay Z” in place, essentially abandoning the persona that lead to his success. But there is a change of pace during the duration of “Bam” that makes it so exciting. The first words from Jay (and a reference to “Public Service Announcement”, from TBA) tell you exactly what I mean:Fuck all this pretty Shawn Carter shit nigga, HOVThe aggressive nature of the line and Damian Marley’s chorus set the song up for Jay to come through to set records straight, and that he does. Dehaven was a drug dealer Jay worked with back in his hustling pre-music days. On social media, Dehaven has routinely claimed Jay never really did much hustling and was a mere runner. Hov spends part of his first verse shooting this down, claiming if he was only a runner he wouldn’t had’ve became the success he is now (as his music and clothing ventures cost a lot to begin). He goes onto explains that his nice side, Shawn, used to be in ‘flight mode’, as he was completely in the Jay Z mindset. This was the side of him that got him to be so wealthy (and continues to push him). Verse 2 is only 12 bars long, but is coated with references and entendres. He uses Rae Sremmurd, Bobby Shmurda, Nat Turner, Kanye, Black Sheep, and even the fact that he skips leg day, all to brag to us in the most clever ways. The mention of Rae and Bobby also could tie back to “Family Feud”, as it’s touching on the theme of newschool rappers. The hard hitting street reggae provide Jay with the perfect backdrop for him to use his ego for good and let people know he’s not fabricated.The title of “Moonlight” is a reference to the film by the same name. It famously was confused with La La Land at the most recent Academy Awards, which Jay references in the hook of “Moonlight”. What makes the film Moonlight noteworthy is that it is the first film to win a Grammy for Best Picture that features an all black class, as well as the first LGBT movie to do the same. Moonlight is special because it excels without being like every other popular movie. The song “Moonlight” is asking rappers to apply this same principle to their artistry, as many popular rap acts aren’t experimenting or pushing the boundaries creativity-wise. Jay isn’t impressed:Y'all got the same fuckin' flowsI don't know who is whoJay pokes fun at the skrrt adlib (used by popular trap acts), how artists use the internet to snitch on themselves (for image), and how many of them not only make the same music, but share the same image. It particularly annoys Jay at the ego many of these artists share:Stop walkin' around like y'all made Thriller, huh?Jay also references how many rappers are signing to their first label offers, and specifically mentions how Lauryn Hill struggled with labels. This is a fitting choice of reference as the song samples Fu-Gee-La. Which gives the chorus’s use of La La Land 3 meanings:reference to film, reference to sample, and reference to artists being ignorant about their quality of music. Jay’s career proves you can make yourself successful without a label’s early on help, whilst innovating and making non formulaic music. This song alone pushes boundaries, in topics for sure, but instrumentally the beat is constantly changing and adjusting (which can be said for 4:44’s production as a whole, in fact). Even his flow is unique, in how he sways his words without ever sticking to one rhythm. He also lived the criminal life many artists use for their image. This gives his words on these topics more respect than otherwise. The song ends criticizing labels for their treatment of artists, mentioning specific CEO’s, in hopes this will sway young artists. Chance, Nas, Lupe, and tons more in the rap industry alone have contributed to this argument all the same. Time will tell if their message and “Moonlight”’s will have an influence or not. Hopefully a healthy change will be made.Marcy Me is a song made to reflect on his past by tracing out homages to his influences and heroes. Before I break down his lyrics, I gotta say Jay’s flow is as good as it ever has been and the piano/drums/vocal-sample/etc work so well with it. This sample is so obscure on some Madlib type style too (“Todo o mundo e ninguém” By Quarteto 1111, from 1970, if anyone’s curious). Onto the rest of the song! The title alone pays respect to the legendary Marvin Gaye and his track Mercy Me. Then the intro is a Biggie quotation that ends before bragging about sex, which is appropriate for the album and it’s apologetic tones. From there, we see mentions of Jam Master Jay (of Run-DMC, RIP), Dennis Rodman, Michael Jordan, Tichina Arnold (an actress on Martin), Denzel Washington, Slick Rick, and Lisa Bonet. And that’s just within the 1st verse. What’s significant about the nostalgia-riddled details is that each of them helped give a young Shawn hope in Marcy, Brooklyn. He describes marcy with:I'm from Marcy Houses, where the boys die by the thousand These role models let him keep his head up despite his environment, and because he had hope, he was able to be ambitious, ultimately leading to the development of the Jay Z character that this album has previously explored. We learned earlier that he created Hov as a means to succeed, and we now learn that Hov was able to exist in the first place largely due to the success of other black people. Inspiration was a key factor to his success. Verse 2 has Jay reflecting on his rags to riches story, touching on topics such as cocaine, murderers, areas of Marcy, and rappers that have passed (“rappers turned murals”) or influenced him. Jay sounds confident and relaxed simultaneously. Verse 2 is the definition of ‘cool, calm, and collected’. To end the song, The-Dream (who is way too underrated, just saying) sings a slower outro about remaining true to oneself. It’s a beautiful way to end such a well-constructed strong.“Legacy” begins with a voice recording of his daughter asking what a will is. Jay uses this to explore how his wealth will benefit his kids and so on, and to explore how family history has impacted his life as well. The word ‘legacy’ refers to the wealth left in a will, as well as the aftermath of a predecessor (which can be from a will but not necessarily). The song explores both sides of the coin. The opening verse is more directed as an answer to his daughter’s initial question, talking about how TIDAL, Roc Nation, Ace of Spades, D’USSE, and such business ventures will go onto support his kids and relatives extensively. This side of the song already feels like a personal discussion just between Jay and his kids about what will follow after he dies. He ends verse 1 on his goal of creating generational wealth and even talks about how blacks are discriminated against in the tech industry. Verse 2 goes into even more personal territory about how Jay’s grandfather molested his aunt (of his father’s side). He claims he may one day forgive him for these actions, but that this negative situation had a silver lining for Jay. His grandfather was a pastor, and due to this, Jay wrote off Christianity (by assuming his grand father’s actions were reflective of the religion he promoted). As a result, he explored other religions. This allowed him a diverse understanding of various sets of beliefs, influencing him to be the critical thinking and understanding person he is today. “Legacy” shows how our actions can influence many generations, and through the most personal ways possible. For such heavy messages, Jay brings hope. Hope is communicated so well through the background horns and James Fauntleroy background singing too. It’s a brilliant closer to the album (if you exclude the bonus tracks). Fun fun fact about Legacy: This song samples Donny Hathaway’s 1971 song “Someday We’ll All Be Free, which was recorded by Jimmy Douglas. Fast forward decades and Douglas mixed all of 4:44.In order to see the reviews of the bonus tracks you must sign up with TIDALJust kidding! Who needs exclusivity?“Adnis” is named after Adnis Reeves, Jay’s father (who passed away in ‘03). Adnis abandoned Jay when he was just a child (around 11 or 12). Reeves had spent less and less time at home, in hopes of finding his brother’s killer. Eventually he picked up drug addictions and left home entirely, never contacting Jay. They did meet up eventually, in 2002, and from that meeting he forgave Adnis for abandoning him. This allowed him to drop anger that he held onto for so many years and in place he was able to overcome love/trust issues. “Adnis” is ‘an open letter to [Jay’s] dad that [he] never wrote’. In a very slow flow over a very relaxed beat, Carter discusses how Reeves caused him lots of anger growing up. He mentions how he wrote about wanting to fight him, as a means of expressing that anger. He also recognized himself in stories of his father, and gave thought to how his grandfather’s malicious (previously discussed in “Legacy”) actions may have impacted Adnis. He mentions how before Adnis’ brother died, he was a good person and that he taught Jay valuable lessons. Including loving his step siblings no different than non-step siblings. It’s clear from the first verse that Adnis was a good father and a role model to Jay during some of his earliest formative years. Verse 2 mentions how despite being the youngest in his family, and despite his father’s leave, he eventually became the leader of his family. He mentions how his father reacted poorly to his uncle’s death, because according to their beliefs, his uncle was in a better place. Life was out of Adnis’ hands, instead there were bottles and needles. Despite his father becoming a terrible role model, Jay takes pride in him being a caring parent and husband. It’s a sweet note to end on after the previous more harder to swallow sorrows. Jay doesn’t shy away from talking about emotional subjects, I have no doubt this song was hard to make for him. And then to release such an open and personal song, exposing your thoughts and feelings to the public, couldn’t have been so easy. But I’m grateful he did, because “Adnis” is one of the best this year.Blue’s Freestyle / We Family opens up with Jay’s daughter Blue spitting some straight bars about how she’s never seen a ceiling, seeking those who are innocent, and most interestingly about how everything is shakalaka. I can’t disagree with her there! It’s a cute little opener to a more light hearted sounding song. The beat has some hawaiian influence and Jay never goes to in depth, as each verse is only about 6 lines long (although there are 4 of them). In the short amount of time he does however cover a lot of ground, referencing illuminati claims, his thankfulness for his wife, celebration of heritage, black unity, drug dealing, his worldwide fans, Donald Trump (and his concerns about him), and his excessive travelling. Quite possibly the most amount of topics covered in one song when compared to any other one on the album. And in between each verse is a small hook claiming he’s part of a family. All of these topics, although seemingly unrelated, connect back to the construct of family. His illuminati controversy is because he has heritage (from family members) that roots back to the use of voodoo, he claims tauntingly. His wife is part of his family, and her heritage has played a role in shaping their kids and thus his family. Worldwide fans and black unity are alike in that they are united for a common goal that Jay is involved in, making them family. Drug dealing played a role in his success and as a result him meeting Beyonce, etc. Donald Trump concerns Jay because he cares for his fellow Americans, they’re a form of family as well. What makes this song great is the spider web Jay creates, connecting so many topics so quickly into a light sounding coherent song. And the intro is really all to perfect as an opener for it. Now we just gotta wait on Blue’s mixtape.MaNyafaCedGod (which I’m sure Jay titled like a cap sensitive password in order to aggravate bloggers, anyone else think of that Spongebob meme?) is possibly the most underrated track on the album. It’s got a great beat change, soothing James Blake singing, and really dense honest lyrics. The first beat is real smooth with James on the keys. The first verse talks about Beyonce and Jay Z’s tour together and how it served as a means of healing for them. Among forms of coping, such as drinking, smoking, vacay, and sex. He touches on themes mentioned earlier in the album, such as the ‘what if’ thoughts of losing his kids and wife over stupid decisions he made. During the tour together Jay mentions how after he performed “Song Cry”, she’d perform “Resentment” and that this order of songs was a very real reflection of the emotions they were experiencing. Fauntleroy ends the 1st half of the song with a very poetic piece about changing out of the fear of loneliness, most likely to reflect Jay’s mindset during the aftermath of his cheating. Then the 2nd half begins with a more menacing anxious beat and Jay gives us the final verse on the album (if you’re counting bonus tracks, that is). He begins by mentioning how him and Bey would have to put on an act to look happy for media even though they were not, but that this served as an opportunity to force themselves to look for the good in life. From here, Jay continues in a more prideful and strong commentary in regards to his marriage. He says that they get each other, and will always have one and other through all. He compares their relationship to kintsukuroi, a Japanese method of fixing broken pottery by using gold as a bind, resulting in a more beautiful piece. In a similar sense, his marriage is better than ever despite the obstacles it faced. He believes that all these challenges have happened because of forces that are beyond his control, and that people must do their best to handle every situation. He gives us the advice his mother gave him, and that is to never go to bed mad at a loved one. Rather talk out the issues and get peace of mind, sound advice from a guy who’s been through so much.And that is the final song on the project. To conclude, 4:44 is a brilliant album that dives deep into Jay’s most heart-wrenching thoughts and with them comes mature responses. No ID (with some help from James Fauntleroy and occasional sample recommendations from Hov) brings this out in Jay with soul sampling beats that come off nostalgic yet unique, like an updated version of The Blueprint. The verses,the beats, the vocals, the mixing, everything, is done in a way that translates into a feeling of being personal. It’s personal, it’s mature, it’s revealing, it’s emotional, it’s soothing, it’s therapeutic. It extensively covers so much ground in so little time. 4:44 is not only my favourite album of 2017, but one of Jay’s best albums yet.Favorite LyricsI'm surprised you ain't auction off the casketCaught In Their EyesY'all on the 'Gram holdin' money to your earThere's a disconnect, we don't call that money over hereThe Story of OJMama had four kids, but she's a lesbianHad to pretend so long that she's a thespianHad to hide in the closet, so she medicateSociety shame and the pain was too much to takeCried tears of joy when you fell in loveDon't matter to me if it's a him or herSmileI seen the innocence leave your eyesI still mourn this death andI apologize for all the stillborns cause I wasn't presentYour body wouldn't accept it4:44Talking PointsDo you think Jay made the right call ending the album at Legacy?Do you think Jay made the right decision not to have any radio singles for the album?Where does this album compare among the rest of his discography?Where does he go from here?How do you feel about the mixing on some of Jay’s vocals?Do you agree with Jay’s social commentary on songs like Family Feud and Story of OJ?Thoughts on Jay's flows? Marcy Me is very different from some other songs because the other ones doesn't showcase flow as muchAnd favourite lyrics/songs/moments etc(Edit - James Blake not Fauntleroy correction made)

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