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httpiastri · 6 months ago

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PERFECTLY FINE – CHAPTER FIVE

genre: angst, fluff, comfort, the usual

word count: 5.0k

warnings: hmmmmm don't think so!!

author's note: hello hello !! finally done with this!!!! took me ages 😵 anywayssss i was supposed to include like italian cities and everything but i have 0 knowledge of italy i've realized, it's been ages since i went there... so pls forgive me for that, hope this makes sense anyway :) hope you enjoy!!

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"we came home from a run in the mountains about… ten minutes ago?" you start, checking your watch. "the view was actually mental, i will send you some pictures."

your mother hums on the other side of the line. "that sounds lovely, darling." she pauses for a moment and you sit down on the edge of your hotel room bed. "where is ollie now? is he around? can i talk to him?"

"he's in the shower," you tell her, ears instinctively listening for that familiar sound of the shower running and the soft humming by your boyfriend. "but i can put him on when he's done, if you'd like."

the same night of the monaco grand prix, ollie managed to find a way for you to fly out to italy with him the following morning. you were into the idea when he proposed it, but right before you were traveling to the airport, you started to doubt if it was actually that good of an idea. you basically only had racing gear in your suitcase; no swimsuits or clothes to work-out in, and the only outfit even near fancy enough to wear to a real restaurant was the one you had worn to the ferrari celebratory dinner the night before.

but ollie insisted. i'll buy you everything you need, he told you, which you, of course, instantly refused. i want you with me, so if that's the price i need to pay, then it will be worth it.

ollie took a day in modena to re-pack his bags, to visit both prema and ferrari, and to just take some time to recharge with you after the race weekend. the following day, you started your trip down the country. but first, you needed to stop in another few cities for some shopping. after a lot of complaining, you agreed to let him pay for the clothes, but only if you got to pay for the coffee and gelato. pretty fair, if you may say so yourself.

you booked your hotel in a cozy little city neither of you had ever heard of before, somewhere close to the west coast, but you have been around in most neighboring cities by now. romantic dinners in charming restaurants, sunbathing by cozy little lakes, and a lot of hiking and running through scenic trails to keep up your physique during the break.

and, as you hoped beforehand, you've started to see ollie in a new, more romantic and more exciting light. the quiet evenings spent together, far away from the hustle and bustle of your regular lives, have been like a breath of fresh air; it's all so easy, so comfortable, so heartwarming. and after your talk with paul in monaco, there isn't even a dark, rainy paul-shaped cloud hanging over your head like there usually is.

you find yourself enjoying the different layers of him and every detail that make ollie that sweet guy you first went out with, and those initial butterflies from your first few months together have finally made their comeback. it's not a huge change, but definitely enough to make you feel like you're moving in the right direction.

"are you two having fun?" your mother asks, the tone of her voice a tad too innocent for you to ignore. "your father mentioned something about a fight, or…"

you can't help but scoff at her words – you know she means no harm, unlike your other parent, but even just the mention of your father irritates you these days. "we're not fighting, mum. everything is fine."

"i'm glad." another moment of silence, just as suspicious as the whole aura of this conversation. then, she lets out a laugh, her voice growing much more lighthearted. "do you two ever fight at all?"

you aren't having it, however. "not really," you say, continuing instantly. "i think it's silly to assume that it's a bad thing that we're never upset with each other. i don't understand it."

your mom clears her throat. "you've got it all wrong. all we want is for you to be happy," her voice booms out from the phone, a little louder now than before. "but fighting a little is healthy. dealing with your problems is important in a stable relationship."

you obviously understand her side of it, and you know she's right. but how could you ever bring yourself to fighting with ollie and causing him any extra pain when he deserves nothing but happiness? how could you ever put more pressure on him when he's already got the expectations and weight of the entire world resting on his shoulders?

besides, what would you even fight over? the fact that you aren't as passionate about him as you were about paul? or the fact that you don't feel the same way you used to with your ex?

this vacation was supposed to make you feel more, to make you fall deeper. sure, you still have a few days left, but will any amount of time ever be enough to get over paul?

"we have no issues," you say. "it's alright, we've got it under control."

you can hear your mom let out a little breath before she speaks up again. "if you say so, then i trust you." there's the faintest hint of sincerity in her words, enough to almost make you believe her. "he must've been very proud to see you on the podium."

a faint smile appears on your lips at the mention of monaco, nodding to yourself as you think back to the race. "he was. jealous, but proud."

"i think they were all jealous. maybe even paul." a confused frown takes over your face as you lie back over the sheets, staring up at the ceiling. "how was it to share the podium with him again? you two looked quite happy with each other."

"i guess."

"you guess? you two were hugging like…" she chuckles. "well, like it was a year ago."

you take a deep breath. "your point?"

"i was just thinking about how…." her words fall out of focus when your ears catch the sound of the shower being turned off and feet tapping against the tiled floor.

ollie then appears in the doorway to the bathroom, a towel wrapped around his waist and an intrigued look in his eyes. who are you talking to? he mouths.

"ollie just came out of the shower," you tell your mother as you push yourself up to a sitting position again, dropping your phone onto the bed and clicking a button. "you're on speaker, mum."

she calls out for him, and he smiles as he sits down next to you on the bed. "hello, mrs. harper," he says. "how are you doing?"

"lovely now that i get to hear your voice, sweetheart," she coos. "how are your parents doing?"

yet again, everything quiets down; ollie's mouth moves, and you see him politely laugh at something your mother says, but everything you can hear are your mother's words from before.

dealing with your problems is important in a stable relationship.

you reach forward to brush a wet strand of hair out of ollie's face, letting your hand fall down to his cheek. he looks down at you with gentle eyes and raised eyebrows, making you want to open up and tell him everything. about how badly you want to change to be the perfect partner for him, about everything you're feeling and about everything that makes you so terrified that your voice gives up on you. about how scared you are of even giving him a real chance, of actually falling for him, because what if he isn't enough?

but what if he is?

what if you allow yourself to fall and he's there to catch you every time?

today during dinner, ollie got an idea.

he loves the way that you can come up with conversation topics out of nowhere. he loves how you can rant the entire way to the restaurant about a karting race you drove in ten years ago, and he loves your little game of "is the couple at the table next to us siblings, happily married, or is one of them secretly only in it for the money?" during dinner dates.

but it doesn't help him get to know you any better, especially not on the deeper level he wishes to reach you on. it doesn't allow him to come closer, nor does it help you get closer to him, either.

but tonight, he hopes everything is about to change. if he just introduces the idea of talking to you, actually talking, then maybe it will come more naturally in the future, too.

ollie is sitting up in bed when you turn off the lights in the bathroom and enter the bedroom. his back is propped up against the headboard, phone in hands turning black the second he sees you appear. he plugs the phone in to charge, clearing his throat before speaking up. "can i ask you something?"

you nod as you walk over to your side of the bed. "of course."

"i'm pretty sure i wasn't the only one who thought it was strange that you stayed in red bull after your dad started working with the ferrari driver academy," he says, watching you sit down on the edge of the bed. "how come you didn't switch academies?"

you let out a sound, something between a sigh and a chuckle, looking over at him as you hold up the duvet. "do you want the short version or the long version?"

"the honest version."

"well," you start, slipping in under the covers. "there's a lot that went into it. ferrari is a cool brand and everything, and it would be an honor to represent them. but…" you shrug – or as much of a shrug as you can pull off while lying down. "i went to red bull because of my dad in the first place so…"

ollie doesn't say anything when you pause, his expression reflecting genuine interest. he's always been a great listener, and today is no different.

"plus, it's been pretty good not having my dad breathe down my neck every second. i would've gone absolutely crazy by now if he had been my boss."

ollie snorts, a grin appearing on his lips. "your dad is a good boss, though."

"if you say so," you respond with a roll of your eyes, one he can't quite decipher.

ollie takes a deep breath, seemingly preparing for his next words. "you didn't even want to join ferrari just to be with me more?"

you bite back the smile that wants to spread across your lips. "didn't wanna get too distracted from my goals."

"is that so?"

you nod, and ollie just looks down at you for a few moments, that grin still prominent on his lips, before shifting to turn off the lamp on his bedside table. he then lies down, joining you beneath the covers.

"genuinely, though," he begins. "when did you first realize you liked me?"

only the gentle, white light from the moon sneaking past the blinds keeps the bedroom somewhat lit now, but it's enough for you to catch the way the pillow has messed up his hair already. you turn your head, eyes following the beams in the ceiling and the chandelier dangling from it. you think it through for a few moments. "i think… something inside of me always liked you." you pause to find the correct words, but none of them seem to describe what you're really feeling. especially not in a way that will sound good to his ears. "like, something just clicked when we went out on our first date. it was like the puzzle pieces fell into place. like i suddenly realized my feelings."

when you look back at him, his eyes glimmer in the moonlight – or is it because of your answer? – and he doesn't move for a good few moments, just taking you in.

"your turn," you prod, supposing he'll need to think through his answer, too.

however, he answers within just a second. "in 2021," he says, completely serious, "when i saw you for the scouting finals."

you groan. "oh, shut up."

"it's true!" he exclaims, propping his head up on his arm. "of course, i knew of you before that day. but actually seeing you in real life, seeing your smile and hearing your laugh..."

"but you never said anything?" you ask, eyes flickering over his features, mentally drawing lines between his freckles and birthmarks. "or did i miss any signs?"

ollie shakes his head. "even when you weren't actually taken, i knew you were mentally with..." he doesn't say the name; he doesn't need to. instead, he starts talking again instantly. "but when i heard that you two had broken up, i knew i had to shoot my shot. i knew i wouldn't get another chance like that."

his words should fill you with joy. they should make you swoon, make you fall even more for him, make you feel like the luckiest person in the world. you have this perfect man lying right next to you, telling you about how he was waiting for years for his chance to be with you – what could be better?

but instead, there's a sharp pain in your chest.

what if you will never love ollie the way he loves you? in the way he deserves?

the sound of ollie pulling the keys out of the ignition finally draws you out of your thoughts, eyes flickering over to him. you've been mostly quiet for this entire forty-five-minute ride to your destination, your mind still stuck on your conversation from yesterday, but you think you can blame it on just wanting to hear ollie hum along to the italian songs on the radio.

you decided to travel to this cute little coastal town to go for a little swim after your morning run, and the name of the place ollie had suggested seemed familiar enough. you just weren't able to figure out why – until you finally arrived.

"i've been here before," you say as you jump out of the car, closing the door behind you. "me and dino were here two years ago, for our summer break."

ollie raises his eyebrows, pulling open the trunk lid. "just the two of you?" he asks and you shake your head.

"some other friends, too."

and paul. but the words die on your tongue. it's an unnecessary detail, anyway, you think.

in this context, sure. but the truth is that the trip was pretty much divided into two trips; your trip with paul, and dino's trip with your other friends. it was just months after you and paul had first gotten together, and this was your first trip together as more than friends. you were still in that initial honeymoon phase, able to spend hours and hours together without ever getting tired of each other, stuck in a haze of obsession and love and everything in between.

but you're not here with paul now. you can't be thinking about your former boyfriend when you're here with your current boyfriend, at a stunning beach in this beautiful weather.

ollie slings your beach bag over his shoulder, closing the trunk before making his way over to your side. "any good memories?" he asks, taking hold of your hand and beginning to drag you out of the parking lot. "or is there a reason you never came back?"

you hum. "we went here to the beach, and… we went to a nice restaurant in town," you say, gazing over the beach to see if you can find any empty sunbeds. "it had a funny name, but i... i don't remember what it was."

"was it any good?" he asks as he lets you pull him towards two sunbeds near the shore.

you nod, snatching two towels out of the bag before ollie even has a chance to put it down, draping them over the chairs. "they had this lovely pasta," you tug your sundress over your head, folding it up on one chair. "homemade tortellini, with this sauce made of-"

"what are you doing?" ollie cuts you off when he sees you sit down, his frown prominent. "i thought we were going swimming."

he's already dressed down solely in his swimming trunks, but not even the sight of his toned upper body is enough to make you waver now. "i just need a few minutes to tan so i..." you trail off as his frown melts into a pout. now, that is something you have a much harder time saying no to. "do i have to?"

"you do."

once you've stood up again, ollie moves in behind you and practically pushes you toward the water, explaining how good it will feel, post-morning run and everything. but the second your toes make contact with the water, you can't help but squeal, instantly shaking your head and backing away again. "i can't," you tell him. his hand wraps around your wrist as you try to move away, and now it's your time to pull your best puppy eyes. "let me warm up a bit first so that i can actually enjoy it."

"that's what you said yesterday," he counters, his other hand reaching to grab your other wrist. "but you stayed far away from the water all afternoon."

"you're right, but i promise that today-" you let out another screech when he tugs you closer to him before picking your body up in one swift motion. you press a warning finger to his chest as he takes a few slow steps out in the water. "oliver james bearman, you will put me down right this second, understood?"

he doesn't answer anything, because he seemingly doesn't understand. or maybe he just thought 'put me down' meant 'throw me into the icy water'.

he doesn't even look guilty over it; in fact, when you resurface and look over at him, he's grinning like the damn idiot he is. "oh, you will pay for this."

if by 'pay' you meant that he would get to pay for dinner that evening, then you were right.

sadly, not at that restaurant from the last time you were in town, but at a cute little trattoria near the city center. you stayed quite late because ollie got recognized as 'the guy who drove for ferrari in f1!' by the owner of the building, who then treated all customers to free drinks, and you obviously had to stay and celebrate with everyone. after the long ride back to your hotel, ollie was out like a light the moment his head hit the pillow.

however, you can't get your mind to rest.

yet again, you find yourself dwelling on yesterday's conversation, and this entire trip in general. no matter what you do, no matter what you try – counting sheep, recalling old racing memories, thinking about the rest of the season – your mind always falls back to the same thoughts.

it's as if your brain works on autopilot when you slowly get out of bed, pull open the door to the balcony, and step outside. the cold air should help bring you to your senses, you assume, but it doesn't really do anything other than make your brain spin even more. the city lights in the dark night seem miles and miles away, yet so close, and you have to sit down on the little chair by the corner of the balcony to steady yourself. what's going on? you didn't even have a lot to drink, and yet you feel more dizzy than your worst nights out. what's real and what isn't?

one of the few things you know for a fact is real is the series of low beeps from the phone in your hand, but it takes a couple of moments for you to realize that they're signals – meaning that you're calling someone.

you blink at your phone a few times as you try to figure out what number you've dialed and how to turn off the call because it's nearing three in the morning, but you don't make it in time. there's a clicking sound from the speakers, followed by a low grunt. "hello?"

suddenly, you're wide awake and clear-minded again.

as you're trying your best to figure out how the actual fuck you managed to call him at this hour – was it a pocket dial? or did he call you? – the person on the other side of the line grows impatient. "is this a prank call or are you going to say anything?"

"i'm so sorry, paul," you manage to get out, your voice getting caught in your throat for another few moments. thankfully, he allows you some time to regroup. "i have no idea why i called you, it- it was a mistake."

paul stays silent for a little longer before the clicking sound of a lamp being turned on plays from your phone. "you must've had something to say, no?" he asks, and your heart clenches slightly at the sound of his sleepy voice.

you take a deep breath. "well... i actually do have a question for you." you shoot a precautionary glance over to the balcony door, checking that you indeed remembered to close it properly. "you know when you, me, and dino went to italy in 2022? during the summer break?" he merely hums as an answer. "do you remember what that restaurant we went to like five times was called? the one with the delicious pasta? it had a funny name, but..."

he lets out a confused sound, and you imagine his eyebrows furrowing together like they always did when you used to ask him stupid questions back in the days. "um... not right now..." he sighs. "you mean the one in the corner of the town square?"

"yeah, that one."

"can't remember. sorry." you both go back to that silence from earlier, and you begin to ask yourself if it's less embarrassing to say goodbye or just hang up right now and pretend this never happened. "a bit of a random question, no?"

you chuckle, nodding to yourself. "well, i've been craving pasta... so i just thought about it..."

"can i also say something i've been thinking about?" he interjects suddenly.

"of course."

"well, i... i'd really like to apologize. for all of the things i said about you in the start of the season." the words hit you like a truck. you had assumed you would be somewhat friendly after monaco, but you never would've thought he would actually apologize to you. "it all got much worse than i had anticipated. i didn't mean it like that, i was just..." he sighs again. "i was worried about you."

in some sick and twisted way, his words actually do feel comforting. you understand where he's coming from, despite how little he's said; maybe it's the fact that you know each other so well by now that makes you understand how sorry he actually is. "i get it, paul. thank you for your concern-"

"like, i genuinely really never meant for that to happen," he says, not able to hold back from cutting you off. "i didn't think it could snowball that big and get so taken out of context. i should've known and been smarter."

"i appreciate that, actually," you say, voice softer now. "it means a lot."

the sincerity of his voice lingers, chipping away at the anger you've been holding onto. there's a strange mix of relief and hurt still swirling inside you, though, and you look around the balcony to try to find something to anchor your thoughts. you accidentally glance back into the hotel room, your eyes landing on ollie, peacefully asleep and so oblivious to the emotional storm you're navigating. the sight of the gentle rise and fall of his chest blends with the memory of paul's tired voice, and your mind gets going again. surely, you woke him up – but what if he was lying in bed with someone just like you were moments ago? what if you not only interrupted his sleep but also someone else's?

the words leave your lips before you can stop them. "how is your girl doing?" you bite down on your lip, shaking your head at yourself as an awkward silence fills the air.

"who?"

don't act stupid, paul, you think to yourself. "the girl you were with in imola." who else?

"oh, her," he says, voice suddenly much quieter than before. "i don't know her. haven't seen her since."

"oh." you can't tell if that makes you feel better or worse; was he willing to just go kiss any random girl?

"how is milton keynes treating you?" he asks, interrupting your thoughts before they can trail off. "pepe bothering you anything? no murders in the stairwell?"

"i'm... actually not there right now."

paul lets out a surprised sound. "where are you then?"

you don't say anything; you don't need to. the silence is enough of an answer for him.

"italy, of course. i get it." he takes a deep breath, which turns into a loud yawn before he speaks again. "well, i really should get back to sleeping..."

"i really am sorry for bothering you this late," you say, the guilt clear in your voice. "i shouldn't have called."

"you can always call me, you know. no matter the time."

this is far from the first time you've been on a call with him like this, late at night and thousands of kilometers away. but the words you're so used to telling him, the ones you almost let fall from your tongue, are the ones you aren't allowed to say – or even think of.

i miss you.

"ollie!"

his name sounds like a curse when it leaves your lips, a mixture of a groan and a whine following it. you can hear the laugh he tries to stifle despite him being many meters ahead of you. "what is it?"

"i'm too tired," you complain, stopping in your tracks. "my body is about five steps from giving up."

for the last day of your trip, ollie wanted to take you to one of his favorite spots in italy. did he admit that it required a bit of a hike? yes. but did he remember to mention exactly how awful of a hike it was, that it would take almost three hours and that it would be worse than any workout you've ever gone through? definitely not.

"we're almost there," he counters, turning around to wait for you to catch up with him. when you do, he wraps an arm around your waist, practically pulling you with him up the last hill. you can see the viewpoint already, but you can't squeeze one last drop of energy out of your legs.

"you've been saying that for the last two hours."

ollie laughs again, a sound that usually wakes the butterflies in your stomach but right now just annoys you. how is it fair that he has all this energy left? "you're going to love the view, come on."

he wasn't lying; the view truly is breathtaking. the valley beneath you seems to go on forever, a patchwork of forests and rivers filling the land. the mountain peaks jut up sharply against the sky as the clouds drift lazily overhead, their shadows dancing on the ground below. and the feeling of your boyfriend's arm around you just accentuates the feeling, making it all seem a little brighter and more colorful.

"worth it?" he asks after a few moments of silence.

"let me breathe for a minute, and then i can decide."

he lets you admire the scenery for a bit – but he's already memorized every tree and every mountaintop far too many times, so his eyes stay glued to your expression instead. he soon snaps out of his thoughts, shrugging his backpack off his shoulders. "i almost forgot," he starts as he crouches down a little, opening the zipper of the bag and starting to search through it. "i have something for you."

your eyes flicker down to him, interest in your gaze. "i hope you brought more of those chocolates-"

when you see what he pulls out of the bag, you instantly freeze. it's not the bag of sweets you had expected; it's a small velvet-lined box.

a ring box.

"don't freak out," he says when he takes note of your expression, and he stands up properly again. "it's not an engagement ring."

"ollie-"

"just open it."

when you remain still, he grabs one of your hands from your side, places the box in your hand, and prods you to lift the lid. the hesitance bubbling in your stomach makes your fingers tremble, but you finally open the lid, revealing a thin golden ring with a tiny heart-shaped gemstone.

"it's a promise ring," he explains. "it doesn't have to be a promise that we'll get married one day, or anything like that. but, just... to show that i'm serious about us."

you finally tear your gaze from the ring, wide eyes blinking up at him. "i..." you start, but no words feel right for this moment.

"i know it's sudden, but you can also think of it as an early birthday present," he tells you. "you don't have to accept it, of course. but it would mean a lot to me if you did."

but do you really have a choice?

can you actually promise to be serious about him, in the way he's serious about you?

yourusername just posted!

yourusername recharging the batteries 💗

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user thank you both for letting me take a pic with you 😭 made my week

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

user gorggg!! hope you've had a good break <3

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redbulljuniorteam can't wait to see you back on track 💪

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user gonna have to steal you from ollie actually!! you're mine now 🫵

→ user i'll take ollie then 🤭

→ user deal

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎

olliebearman ❤️

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baronessvonglitter · 7 months ago

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if love be rough with you, be rough with love | chapter 9 | "i want you to want me"

Dave York x f!Reader

Word count: 1,423

Summary: you and Dave have a real conversation about your expectations of each other as you rekindle your relationship. Smut ensues (duh)

WARNINGS: 18+ Only! Mature and Explicit, Dave shames Carol for having a life outside of the home (he just rationalizes everything, doesn't he?) but it's meant more as bait to get the reader back, oral sex (m receiving - in his fancy SUV of course, and in an alleyway of course), come swallowing, fingering, possible soft!Dave (?), pet names ("sweetpea", "good girl"), no use of y/n

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You agonize over what to wear to meet Dave. You're already twenty minutes late by the time you go to the coffee shop. Let him think your lateness is you pulling some kind of power move to keep him waiting. He deserves it.

The cafe is quaint and warm and smells comfortingly of aromatic coffee and freshly baked bread. It's almost like something out of a romantic movie, except women who willingly enter into affairs with married men aren't typically the heroines, and quaint little bakeries are never the backdrop for illicit liaisons.

But when you spot Dave in a corner booth, his smile changes your mind. It's hard to ignore the once-over he gives you, his hungry leer an indication that what he said on the phone last night was true: he really did miss you.

A smile flits across your face as you approach him, not wanting to give too much away in the first few moments of your reunion. He has to come to you. He's made the first few steps in reaching out and setting up this clandestine meet-up. "Hey," you greet him, sliding into the seat across from him. "Good to see you again." He stands in a gentlemanly welcome, only sitting down when you do.

"It's great to see you," he replies, and there's more warmth in his face than you can recall ever seeing before. It's the same look he wears when he's with his family. "I'm glad you agreed to see me."

"You made it sound terribly important. Unless it was just a ruse to get me to come out here. I have a lot on my plate, as you know."

Dave looks chastened and you can't help feeling a little bad about your standoffish manner, but you need to keep the upper hand. "I think it's wonderful that you're going back to school. You're a woman with great potential, and you can do whatever you set your mind to."

You almost laugh. "Did you really ask me to come here to give me an inspirational speech? I sucked your dick while your wife was in the next room with her book club. I think we're way past formalities."

He has the nerve to smirk, and you glimpse a bit of the man you've come to know in your secret doings. "I want to talk about what happened, but mostly--"

"Are you going to buy me a coffee or not?" you interrupt, pulling out your compact to check your makeup.

It seems he likes this new you, and you watch as he goes to buy your drinks. You have a feeling you know what he's going to ask, and it's going to be quite an effort to deny him. You haven't even considered going back to how things were. Would you?

He returns with the drinks. "I've apologized."

"You have."

"I could have handled it better," he admits. "You haven't asked anything of me during our time together, and I appreciate that. The least I could have done was to handle the situation with more discretion."

"I was upset, but you were fair. We're already in a sticky situation and I wouldn't want to worsen things between us. You're my employer."

"Well, I've been thinking about it," he says, the tips of his fingers resting on the white paper of his coffee cup. For a brief moment you remember the feel of those fingers inside you, the way he muffled your moans with his hand or, sometimes, with his necktie. "I've never been with a virgin," he says quite plainly, as if he's saying he's never been to Australia, or he's never been skiing.

You take a moment to process this, because it feels like he's speaking another language and you have to take a moment to translate it. "Never? Really?"

He shakes his head. "Not even Carol was a virgin when we met. Not that it made any difference to me."

"You said you don't want me to develop feelings," you remind him.

He takes a long look at you, and for once you feel you hold up to his scrutiny. "I think it could be different with us. You've maintained discretion. You're a bright young woman, you know what you want. You're okay with the fun we've been having so far?"

You nod. "Of course."

"I'd like to continue," he says softly. "Would you?"

This is exactly what you'd asked yourself just moments earlier.

"Not the same as before," he says quickly, reading your hesitation.

"Meaning you want to fuck me," you say it for him.

He smiles, looking shy, but you know he's not. "Yes. I want to fuck you. I've wanted to fuck you since the day you came to interview for the position."

You give a sharp intake of breath. He knows just where to get you to make your walls come down, and all this time you thought you were in control. "I felt the same.."

He looks pleased with himself, yet flattered.

"What about Carol?" you ask. "You're okay betraying the mother of your children?"

Dave sighs, expecting this question to come up. "She's a great woman, and we do love each other. But you know how she's busy all the time, chasing her personal ambitions. If she stayed at home more we wouldn't need you," he points out. "Our marriage has become more for appearances now. Something I'm supposed to do. And when you've been together as long as we have, things get comfortable."

"What's wrong with comfortable?"

He shrugs. "Exciting beats comfortable any day."

Your heart beats like it has wings, and you feel that heartbeat somewhere else too. Dave makes sense, but everything he's saying is almost mean. Carol must have no idea what her husband's proclivities are, or she would not have invited a younger woman into their lives to essentially house. But really, all Carol's guilty of is being married to a man you desire.

"I could never ask for commitment from you, not really.. I'd never get it," you state plainly.

"True," Dave admits. Then in a sudden, very un-Dave-like fashion, he grabs your hands across the table. "I was almost catatonic when you were gone. I barely went to the office, and when I did I spent my time at my desk, my mind a million miles away. I struggled to sleep and often found myself dreaming of you."

"Dave!" you gasp, but you don't dare let go of his hands.

"It's my last-ditch effort to influence your decision," he confesses. "But it's the truth, all of it. I want you to be mine."

This is what you've been wanting to hear, not just moments of hot, whispered words because of your praise kink. You wanted, if not romance, affection. You can live with that.

"Okay," you say at last. "I'm yours.." You look into his deep brown eyes and you both smile. "So.. what happens now?"

His fingers are threaded through your hair as he thrusts into your mouth with enthusiasm. He'd stayed away from Carol, only fucking his hand when his needs were absolutely necessary, wishing it was you. In the front seat of his SUV in an alleyway, you're practically on all fours, deep-throating him, hungry for the taste of him after all this time. "Good girl," he mutters, palming your breast through your clothes. He pushes your panties to the side and strokes your clit, wanting you to come, loving the vibrating feel of your moans around his cock, the way your mouth tenses up when you're so close to the edge. "Here it comes. Be a good girl and swallow all of it," he pants, and you wonder how he can manage words when you're both in such a carnal frenzy.

He explodes in your mouth just as you come apart from his aggressive touch. As the pleasure ebbs over you, you artfully swallow every stream of cum, your hand pulling upward from his base, wanting every single drop he has to give. And when you're taking a moment just to come down from that high, you tell him, "I want you to fuck me."

His eyes darken with lust. "Now?"

You nod. "Backseat."

You can tell he's trying to keep it together, trying not to frighten you before he's had a chance to have you to himself. "For your first time you deserve better, sweetpea. I'm getting us a hotel and we're gonna fuck in high thread count sheets," he insists, and starts the car.

<- prev chapter

next chapter ->

dividers by @saradika-graphics 👑

#dave york #dave york fanfiction #dave york fic #dave york x reader #dave york x you #dave york smut #pedro pascal #pedro boys #pedro pascal characters #ao3 fanfic #pedro pascal cinematic universe #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal characters fanfiction #pedro pascal character smut

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zahri-melitor · 1 month ago

Text

New(ish) Comics (25/12/2024)

How many comics come out this week of the cycle that I read?!? Decided to drop the Last Halloween and let it build up as there's too much other stuff going on.

Absolute Wonder Woman #2: maintaining the crown of best Absolute title!

I love Diana's calm 'I don't need you' attitude towards the military in this, which is both making it very clear she was raised by Circe AND clearly Thompson commentary on King.

Also the "yes, my horse is Pegasus. THE Pegasus" conversation made me grin.

Action Comics #1077: Clark's finally on his way back to solve the problem that's troubling Earth; Kenan and Kon have got their moment of stripping the British Museum and returning all the intergalactic treasures to their original planets; and in the Kara backup we find out she's been sent after this world-destroyer because of her hunt for Krem in SWOT.

Batman: The Brave and the Bold #19: so I can't believe in the year 2024 we have a story featuring PLAS and DIANA that is busy cementing that the Mirror House and those buying trophies from it were actually separate to the Court of Owls, rather than an earlier incarnation of the imagery. Dave Wielgosz, you are a preboot fanatic trying to link things up.

I'm glad Maxine is getting a story, but hopefully it's one she comes out of safely.

Robin Season remained fairly meh, aside from Tim and Damian uniting in annoyance at Jason (though Killer Moth is famously one of Babs' rogues. I don't think he's had much to do with Jason over the years).

Batman / Santa Claus: Silent Knight Returns #5: Santa gets JLI membership and Unnecessary Babsgirl appears, two years in a row.

Black Canary: The Best of the Best #2: look I will say that Dinah Drake actively training Dinah Laurel as a kid is not the most common history for the two of them, but given we're still resetting everything here (and we have evidence in this of Larry as her dad, Larry as a Gotham police officer, and the family being in Gotham) I'll give some leeway.

Also there are dead Ollie jokes. I am enjoying how much this title is leaning into Ollie being obligatorily terrible in any Black Canary title.

Detective Comics #1091: using Clark for scans rather than seeking medical attention? I snorted.

The Flash #15: I think I'm going to have to read this whole storyline back to back when it finishes. Wade has a tiny Jack Jack moment.

Okay! humanoid reptiles in Skartaris are actually somewhat uncommon! But at least we are still remembering the language barrier issue where everyone in Skartaris does not speak English! (also please please please for me have Jennifer show up soon, it would be the best easter egg)

Green Arrow #18: I'm enjoying the book going back to a tighter focus rather than having characters standing around effectively doing nothing, but it could also use more than just Ollie. Waiting to see how the story plays out.

Justice League Unlimited #1: look, it's fine, but I'm not a huge fan of "everyone is on the League" style stories. Mostly dipping into the start of this to work out what the overarching plot between this, the Question, and the Atom Project is going to be.

Nightwing #120: I'm enjoying the opening story, and I'm waiting to see where Watters takes the full arc. (Give the rabbit to the Marvels, it can hang out with Hoppy!)

The Warlord #78: look I just said humanoid reptiles aren't common in Skartaris, but this storyline has one. Proving me wrong here, thanks old Warlord issues.

Travis and co head towards New Atlantis to find the stash of Ancient Atlantean weapons he wants to use to drive off New Atlantis. While crawling through tunnels they get attacked by a giant scorpion, Shakira finds a rodent of unusual size while hunting as a cat, and they discover the far future US government dogtags actually activate the Atlantean spaceships-I-mean-gravity-sleds...and one of the dogtags has Travis' name on it!

Travis falls backwards onto the gravity sled holding the activating chip with his name, as Shakira lands on him running away from the ROUS, and...the sled activates, making the two disappear! Dun dun dun!!!

#z canon read throughs #newish comics

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positivelybeastly · 5 months ago

Text

X-Men #3

Again, late, but who cares? Let's do this.

Fuckin' Vanisher. For the second villain the X-Men ever faced, he really has never been anything more than just a mercenary twit.

That being said, I do appreciate his presence as a furthering of the general vibe of post-Krakoa Earth - mutants are on the run and scrabbling to find stability wherever they can find it, whether that be X-Men, X-Factor or, in Vanisher's case, O*N*E. Some are pickier than others, it would seem.

Ohhhhh my god, Hank. Hank. HANK.

Ahoy hoy? You Alexander Graham Bell Montgomery Burns loving bastard. I love it. Such a goober.

I do also appreciate that Hank's response here works because, even though we can assume that he knows vaguely who these people are - he's probably been reading the X-Men files to catch up on what he's missed, which, depending on when they were last updated, might mean he's reading his own observations on everyone else - he does not know how stubborn those four individuals are.

Half of them, Remy and Jubilee, he's never even met before, which is a wild concept, but true, nonetheless.

I do also like how easily Scott's fallen back into the habit of having Hank as his best friend. Like, I love Scott's friendships with a lot of the X-Men, they're all very unique dynamics, but I've made my case before that Hank was, at least up until 2009, Scott's very best friend, based on how much more free and able to talk about anything Scott was with him, and I feel like it's being born out here.

Even Illyana, who probably became closest to Scott after that point during the revolutionary era, never had the same emotionally intimate conversations that Hank and Scott could have during New or Astonishing X-Men. Among the O5, Scott's detachment and analytical side gelled with Hank's intelligence and social acumen in ways that Warren's easy going confidence and Bobby's immaturity simply couldn't.

Even back in the very original run, Hank is understanding of Scott's psychological make-up in ways that the others aren't, and you can really see that Scott allowed Hank to pull him along to being a little more open and free with his emotions, while being safe in the knowledge that Hank wouldn't try to force him out of his comfort zones. There was absolute, complete trust between them.

Was. And, seemingly, is again!

But yeah, you can really see it on display here. I don't know that Scott would be this willing to be this visibly frustrated and annoyed with Rogue's X-Men with, say, Kwannon or Max, but he can be with Hank, because Hank is gonna roll with him and work with him. I missed this dynamic.

God, this conversation fucks. I'm so glad that Idie is being given the space and the time and the freedom to be fucking furious with Magneto here, because she has every right to be. Her relationship with the X-Men and killing and death is so historically fraught, so full of judgement and learning and ideology, that I completely buy her frustration and fury and lack of patience for Max's hypocrisy.

When the teams for the From the Ashes books were being announced, I remember a lot of people analysing the team make-ups and thinking, ooh, I wonder if they'll touch on this, if they'll touch on that - all the canon deep cuts, all the conversations that should happen, the dynamics that should exist.

And because Jed MacKay is gonna Jed MacKay everywhere, all of those deep cuts and conversations and dynamics are present. It just. Pleases me, immensely. He's even intimated that Hank might have his time displaced memories, which would awesome to explore, since his time in the future with his older self has never really been brought up again, unlike Bobby and Scott. So much potential . . .

Lundqvist having to just sit there and take it is so good. I also appreciate the clarification of a bit of the world state that was going on in Fall of X, even if it is a . . . very disturbing and unfortunately realistic answer. Like, Christ, it doesn't surprise me to hear that the US just let Orchis do what they wanted, but it still just. Woof.

The demonstration of emotional control and the rattling off of the damage done to Scott in the wake of the Hellfire Gala is excellent foreshadowing, too.

I do love how fast and loose psychic connection allows you to be with team scenes in X-books. Literal info-dumps and fast-acting stratagem crafting on the fly - this is absolutely a team that Scott hand picked, because even without him around, they perform like, well.

Magic.

Also loving that Cain and Illyana continue to be bash siblings in the best way possible. Even if they don't get the same character focus that Hank, Scott and Idie have been getting thus far (still too early to say), if they come out of this with a fun dynamic, then I'll call this run a win for them both.

Beautiful.

I do love the continuing interconnectivity between the books - even though they're all separated geographically, people are aware of the changes in status quo, what everyone's doing, what their angles are, and it feels like a cohesive world. This was one of the better parts of Krakoa (and one of the more glaring flaws of X-Force/Wolverine), so I'm glad to see that the writers are clearly talking to each other a lot.

Also, ow, Scott, did you have to do Alex like that?

(I like unpopular X-Men, so, yeah, I have a soft spot for Alex Summers. Enough of a soft spot that I think that Scott is playing dismissive because it means that Alex isn't considered an easily exploited way to get at Scott, which keeps him safe. Scott has to play the lone wolf, no weaknesses, thinking five steps ahead leader man, and that means quite a lot of posturing. Hence the final line.)

Goes hard, tbh. I remember people being worried that Idie was going to get the short end of the stick, going into this series, just because she wasn't front and centre on a lot of the promotional material.

I don't think people have much to be worried about.

And then we come to the stinger, arguably the most interesting part of the issue - and the part that makes the most sense to me.

Now, I hate a certain contingent of Scott Summers fans. I hate the fans that act like he's some kind of alpha chad turbo mutant general boss man who gets all the hot telepaths and he's always right, because the amount of projection involved in that 'look at this introverted guy, he became a total badass that everyone respects' concept of Scott is off the charts, but also because it's just. Less interesting.

Scott Summers has fucking garbage mental health. Always has done. How could he not? His childhood was a literal nightmare. His surviving parent is a deadbeat asshole. He's lived from trauma to trauma since he was 15 years old. He was never taught proper coping techniques, never given the help he needed by Professor Xavier to help him live a life outside of the X-Men - which is why he's always come back to them. Which is why he's always there.

Because he has nowhere else to be. If he isn't an X-Man, he's nothing.

And now? Now, it's gotten to be bad enough that he's having panic/anxiety attacks. Because of course it has! His eyes got sewn shut! His wife got murdered! He's been through it!

This is one of those stingers that catches you off guard for a second, and then anyone with a brain goes, oh yeah, nah, that actually makes total and complete sense, of course Scott Summers would have panic attacks, the guy has some of the most insecure psychology you'll see outside of a Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders!

Absolutely fascinated to see where this goes, honestly. It's not often you get to see a 60 year old comic book character in a new light, and the idea that MacKay is really going to dive into Scott's trauma, into who he is now and who he's always been, into the man that people have made him, is just fascinating.

Issue #2 was good, but it did feel very much like filler. This, though. This is way more in line with issue #1, and it has me genuinely excited to see what comes next.

Just, uh. If we could get more than three panels of Hank, two of which have him unconscious on the floor, that'd be great, thank you. I need new icons, ya dig?

#outofmuffins

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lousirs · 1 year ago

Note

this is a dump about the uglydolls movie novel 💋💋💋

Alrighty I'm basically a regular here SO LETS GET TO IT

lodoeheie so I just got the movie novel of uglydolls because i need to fill my hunger for uglydolls content and THERE R SO MANY LITTLE DETAILS AND DIFFERENCES IN THE BOOK???!!???

ok so Lou's monologue in the pipes are completely different and they kind of point out details about Lou like his loafers being expensive and allat

BUT IM NOT TALING ABOTU TAGT

there's this one part in the book where they are about to reveal Ox after the all dolled up scene and instead of Ox, Nolan was behind Lou???? I think it was just supposed to show how awkward Nolan is idk 💀💀

ALSO for some reason I feel like EVERUTIME Nolan made an appearance they always described him as "the handsome doll" and I find that so so silly but I love it

oh YEYEHA it's implied in the book that the dolls wear their own clothes when they aren't doing training which was not the case in the movie (probably due to animation complications)

in the gauntlet scene, in the book, it was Mandy who kinda taunted Lou to participate in the gauntlet rather than him deciding to buy himself. Also it made me think why he even decided to join it in both medias when he knew he'd fail but my friend and I just established that at that point he was probably already batshit crazy and had nothing to lose

the whole Ox flashback part was longer and had more details to it. So both Lou and Ox went for the gauntlet together and completed it but it showed that they failed and everyone thought it was Ox that caused them to fail when it was really Lou (kind of sad that Lou probably knew it was himself and had to put the blame on Ox)

it was also mentioned that both Lou and Nolan have somewhat of a muscular build so time to make some new head cannons

IM SO SORRY THAT THESE POINTS WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THERE'S TYPOS EVERYWHERE

I just found thrse so interesting I'm so sorry

the book is pretty good imo (probably biased) and there's more stuff than what I put here so DEFINITELY go read it for yourself

why hello, we meet again... time for more rambling xD STRAP IN EVERYONE!

yes!! i've known about the novel for a hot minute. i haven't bought or read it (...yet) but i remember seeing silentreadersmatter (i believe?) post about it on wattpad... so shoutout to them lol. anywho time to respond to each thing mentioned in order (just about)...

lou with loafers!!: i always assumed he wore some sort of fancy shoewear... so it's nifty that they added clarification i guess xD

awkward nolan: awkward nolan is the superior nolan (in my opinion. i'm sorry lads)... i see nolan be depicted as a 'uwu soft boy bottom" most of the time... but i always thought he was just a awkward doll. like, an anxious mess that is trying his best but fumbles constantly. he's a ball of anxiety, and i love him. ANYWAYS

buff nolan real??: GOSH, I AM SO GLAD SOMEONE NOTICED THE MUSCULAR NOLAN THING. i always imagined nolan to be taller than the other dolls (he isn't really in the film but i always headcanoned it so because his uniform is smaller as if he was too big for it) but once i saw him be called "handsome" and "tall" and "muscular" in the novel, i flipped. the little baby boy is actually a BIG BUFF BABY. i have a doodle of this from a few months ago heheh... (thank you for giving me an excuse to show it because it's been lingering in my files for a while LMAO)

^^^ lou is just trying to act evil and devious but he got this tall, handsome muscular doll getting in his way xD

ohhh but i can just imagine instead of the robot dog taking lou to the washer, nolan personally picks him up and drags him there. now THAT'S a moment i want to see.

fashion: oh, i didn't know about the clothes thing! DAMNIT i want to see them all in casual clothing, so i know what kind of styles they wear!! i mean, there's a concept art with lou in a white jumper with a golden 'L' on it... but that's all.

i have my headcanons for what they wear, but it would be cool to see... especially since most other dolls normally do have numerous outfits for the kids to dress them up in.

gauntlet: yeah, lou kinda lost the plot around that point. i would take a guess that he was probably unnerved by just basically killing two dolls, one that he knew (possibly for a while) and one that was close to his old friend, so when he saw mandy still alive he was like "well sh*t." and then came the downward spiral of him trying to sabotage the others, before inevitably sabotaging himself. ...but i think the book's version of mandy getting the crowds to peer pressure lou to joining the gauntlet made more sense (lou's reputation would be at stake and his reputation is basically all he has) than him joining anyways in the film. i guess they tried to make it make more sense with the whole "I don't even have to win. I just need to make sure you lose." but ehh... eh....

ox's tragic anime backstory: yes!! they should've done this version in the film honestly. perhaps they could've even shown lou's regret for lying to basically his only friend. ...oh wait, i forgot. lou's meant to be a 100% evil villain who kicks babies. anyways, again i feel that the novel made more sense than the canon we got in film. i guess in the film ox got recycled because he was causing others to fail by accident? but the novel's version is much more interesting.

if i remember correctly (and if i don't, count this as a rewritten version lol) the assistant robots took ox away after he 'failed' in the novel. i can imagine a scene where we are in ox's perspective, being forcefully dragged away to the pipes whilst lou looks at him, dread and sadness written across his face, yet he doesn't try to stop the robots. he just stands there, biting back his guilt. ohh... if only...

STRONG BOYS!!: heheheheh strong nolan and lou... would be funny if nolan didn't appear strong, but is actually stronger than lou. but then again, how can you tell if the doll is strong? they all look like same. lou says his arms are bumped or whatever in ugly truth but WHERE? WHERE'S THE BUMPED ARMS LOU??

anywho, thank you for the novella lore dump! for anyone who is interested, go check out the novel as well. it's pretty interesting if you are deep into doll purgatory. (also it's mentioned that ox used to wear a fedora from what i remember)(THAT IS TERRIBLE. I LOVE IT)

#uglydolls #ask #asks #not art #uglydolls lou #uglydolls nolan #uglydolls ox #uglydolls mandy

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lisutarid-a · 2 months ago

Text

[Gakuen K] Fushimi Saruhiko Route Translation

Going shopping

LIST OF CHAPTERS

[Translation under the cut]

Saya: Summer vacation just started, but Fushimi-kun and I are going to buy the things we need to grow ipomoeas.

Saya: (I will leave early so as not to be late for the meeting time)

Saya: Ah, Fushimi-kun is already here!

Saya: Good morning! You're early.

Saya: I guess I made you wait. How long have you been here?

Fushimi: I just came.

Saya: I see. That's good then.

Saya: (Maybe it's because this is the first time I see Fushimi-kun without his uniform, but it's kind of refreshing…)

Fushimi: Why are you stunned? Let's get this over with.

Saya: Ah, Uhm!

Saya: Because we're going to be home late, I'm going to drop the bags off in the club room and then just go home.

Saya: I was thinking of asking Munakata-senpai to help us with the preparation with ipomoeas for tomorrow's club activities.

Fushimi: I got it. I'll help you.

Saya: Thank you! Ah, and I'm also thinking of buying seedlings since growing them from seed would be hard.

Fushimi: I don't care either way. It's up to you.

Saya: Understood. But seedlings are a bit expensive. I wonder if it will be okay for the club budget…

Fushimi: The club has a lot of extra money so it shouldn't be a problem.

Saya: Eh, really?

Fushimi: Yeah. I saw a budget control book once. Maybe it's because we have so many people.

Fushimi: We're also doing this for the Head of the Student Council Office, so I'm sure that's no big deal.

Saya: They won't go against Munakata-senpai…

Fushimi: It's certainly best not to make enemies with him.

Saya: (I should be careful…Ah!)

Saya: Fushimi-kun, I think the gardening supply store is in this building. Let's go in!

Saya: I'm glad we got everything we needed. As I expected, big places are different.

Fushimi: Give this to me.

Saya: Eh, the bag we bought?

Saya: (I wonder if he wants to check it…)

Saya: Okay.

Saya: …

Saya: (Ah, he meant he'd carry it for me)

Saya: I can handle that much.

Fushimi: It's fine. We'll walk faster that way.

Saya: Uhm, thank you.

Saya: (Fushimi-kun has a having a sharp tongue in certain moments, but he's actually quite kind)

Saya: Summer vacation starts today. Are you planning to go anywhere, Fushimi-kun?

Fushimi: For now, to a club camp.

Saya: Right, we're going to have a camp. I'm looking forward to it.

Fushimi: Looking forward to it? For what?

Saya: Aren't we going to have a campfire, cook dinner, and throw the pillows at each other?

Fushimi: We're not going to do such things. That's a school trip. A training camp is not such a sweet thing.

Saya: Ahaha, I see. It's a training camp…What kind of camp?

Fushimi: The main purpose of the Blue club's training camp is to strengthen physical fitness. Because physical fitness is the basis of all work, apparently.

Fushimi: Last time it was in the mountains, so we ran on mountain roads non-stop.

Fushimi: After that, for some reason, we were made to help the neighborhood chop wood and even clean out the horse stalls.

Saya: Sounds surprisingly sports-oriented…

Saya: (Maybe it's a whim of Munakata-senpai that is not in the plan…)

Fushimi: Since it's sea this year, the main activities will probably be long swims and running on the beach.

Saya: Well, do you have any other plans besides the camp?

Choice: I was hoping we could go hang out ❤︎

Saya: I was hoping to go hang out with Fushimi-kun.

Fushimi: Ha? Who?

Saya: Me and Fushimi-kun.

Fushimi: I have already went with you shopping in this damn heat.

Saya: I see… Too bad.

Choice: Let's go hang out with everyone

Saya: I was thinking about going hang out with everyone, what do you think?

Fushimi: I refuse. And who is everyone?

Saya: Eh, with everyone from the Blue club. I was hoping we could go out and have fun together, not just at a camp.

Fushimi: Why do we have to see each other again another day when we already have to face each other at the training camp?

Saya: I think there is a difference between camp and hanging out…

Fushimi: If you want to do that with those guys, do it on your own. I'm not going.

Saya: Thanks for carrying the bags.

Fushimi: Yeah, I'll just leave it there.

Saya: Uhm. Well than, see you tomorrow.

Saya: Is this the correct way to attach these two rings?

Fushimi: It's not. You put the smaller ring on the bottom. It's the other way around.

Saya: Ah, I see.

Saya: Do you think this place is sunny enough?

Fushimi: The sun can be different there if someone sits near the window. It'd be better here.

Saya: Understood. I'll leave them here.

Saya: (Even though he's acting like it's a hassle, he's doing it properly)

Saya: I hope ipomoeas will bloom beautifully.

Fushimi: Not interested. For a start, it'd be good if even one blooms.

Saya: Ah, Fushimi-kun. Where are you going?

Fushimi: Home. Because the preparations are over, I'm done working for the day.

Saya: I thought about giving them names…

Fushimi: Names? You can name them whatever you want.

Saya: (Ah…He's gone. Though I thought he was nice to me when he carried the bags…)

Saya: (Ah, right. I'll name this ipomoea after Fushimi-kun)

Saya: From today, I'll call you Saruhiko. I hope Saruhiko grows up well.

[Prev chapter][Next chapter]

#k project #gakuen k #gakuen k wonderful school days #otome translation #fushimi saruhiko

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barbwritesstuff · 1 year ago

Note

I really enjoyed Crying Wolf (after about one page of being a bit scared cause the words "prison" and "romance" used together can be really...not good in the hands of other people lol) so i'll be buying any book you were to publish. :D

Okay.

Story time.

Perhaps also rant time.

I don't know. We'll see where this takes us.

For those that don't know, Crying Wolf is a novel I wrote that was published in 2021. It's about twin brothers who get sent to prison for a crime only one of them committed. They're also werewolves.

You can buy it here if you're interested.

Now for the drama.

Crying Wolf is not a romance. At least, I never intended it to be a romance when I wrote it. It was inspired by the Australian TV show Wentworth (which is a prison drama) and me wanting to explore werewolves in a world where their existence is not secret.

But, peeling back another layer, it was really about me missing my sibling who I'd previously been very close to who suddenly moved to the other side of the planet, and processing some feelings I had about being in intimidating environments.

Ali's romance with Morgan was not nearly as explicit or important to the story in the first draft, and Amir's relationship with Ben was much more queer platonic.

But, I was told very unambiguously by several people, that I needed to increase the romantic elements. A lot of early readers felt the drama between the brothers wasn't enough to hold their interest.

Which is fair enough. I made the romances a bigger part of the story, but they still aren't the story. The story is still the brothers surviving a very dangerous environment while learning to let each other go.

It was, even then, still not a romance.

I never once tried to sell it to publishers as a romance. I always said it was a family drama. I distinctly remember making a point about this because I didn't want publishers to be disappointed.

But family dramas set in prisons which also happen to be full of werewolves isn't really a marketable category. Gay paranormal prison romance is.

I think this is was even more true back in 2018 when I signed Crying Wolf's publishing contract.

I noticed during the editing process that my editors really wanted to increase the romantic elements of the story even more, but that didn't really bother me. I don't think I 100% realised they intended to market it as a romance until later.

And I don't hate that. I guess I can see why they did it. And, with the edits, there is very much a romantic feel to it now. But, I still don't think it fits well within the category.

The literal climax of the story is about the brothers calling out to each other and giving each other strength from a distance, even if they can't be together in person. It's not about the kissing.

I don't know how readers feel, but that's how I feel. Especially considering how dark prison romances can be, I just don't think it fits the label.

Ultimately, Crying Wolf did not sell very well. Sure, there are a few hundred copies floating around out there, but it doesn't pay any bills. A part of that, I think, is it came out at a weird time in a weird market. COVID changed a lot of things. However, I also think some people picked it up thinking it was a dark romance and were disappointed... while others who may have liked it didn't buy it because they thought it was a dark romance.

Or maybe it just isn't the sort of thing a ton of people would be interested in. I dunno.

I still really like it. I think I did a good job writing it and reread parts of it from time to time. But, personally, for me, it isn't a romance.

It's about twin werewolf brothers being bad at emotions in a very fucked up situation.

Anyway, I'm really glad you enjoyed it, and would buy other things I publish. I hope you'll get that opportunity and I hope this sort of cleared up the marketing weirdness with Crying Wolf. 💙

#crying wolf #long post #bookblr #publishing industry

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 2 years ago

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reading update: june 2023

as promised (to myself) I spent all of gay months reading books by and/or about the gays, no exceptions! (unless you count the heaps of old Batman comics I was reading, but come on. it's all pretty fruity.) the trend will be continuing into July as well because I overshot and still have book I need to finish, so in the immortal words of Janelle Monáe: happy pride forever!

anyway, what have I actually been reading?

Empress of Forever (Max Gladstone, 2019) - man, I've been meaning to read this FOREVER! and I'm glad I finally did. Gladstone's space opera follows ultrawealthy tech genius Vivian Liao, a sort of dykey Lex Luthor who's CERTAIN that she's the good guy. okay, yes, she's trying to get control of the nukes, but she's not going to use them. it's just that the world's a mess and she needs to be in charge. unfortunately our girl Vivian doesn't get far in her master plan before she's transported across the galaxy and finds herself on the run from the all-powerful Empress in the company of a cybernetic monk named Hong and the legendary space pirate Zanj, the Empress' greatest enemy. from there our heroes are off on a slow, messy quest across the galaxy as they make new friends, grow as people, and strive to bring the Empress down. it's a very long book and can feel slow in places, but all of the time devoted to fleshing out the characters ultimately pays off as their stories converge into a resonant narrative about the notion of identity and what it means to be yourself. if you like Becky Chambers' Wayfarer books of the Guardians of the Galaxy movies, get on this shit.

also hey listen Max Gladstone is having a bit of a Moment rn; the book he coauthored with Amal El-Mohtar, This Is How You Lose the Time War, is getting a huge boost thanks to the Trigun (????) fandom??? over on Twitter, and you should definitely go check it out

Not Gay: Sex Between Straight White Men (Jane Ward, 2016) - Ward is a brilliant queer feminist writer; rigorous and insightful while keeping her work imminently readable. while the title may sound facetious, Ward actually takes entirely at face value that there are men having sex with each other an engaging in otherwise homoerotic activities - mutual jerkoffs, hazing rituals that involve anal penetration - that sincerely aren't stemming from a place of gay desire and asks us what the fuck we're supposed to make of that. what results is a fascinating look at masculinity and the intricate rituals that both subvert and maintain it. shockingly thought provoking for a book that contains so many transcribed craigslist posts of men looking for straight guys to have totally normal hetero dudesex with!

The Latinos of Asia: How Filipinos Break the Rules of Race (Anthony Christian Ocampo, 2016) - I was lucky enough to get to see Ocampo (who is gay) speaking at the National Conference on Race and Ethnicity this year, and naturally I had to buy one of his books while I was there. I strongly suspect he's about to become one of my new favorite nonfiction writers, because the Latinos of Asia was a brilliant read that I really couldn't put down. Ocampo (who's also Filipino!) delves into the formation of Filipino-Americans' racial identity, and finds that many feel caught between the most conventionally accepted racial categories - feeling alienated from the idea of Asian identity, which is often perceived as pertaining to East Asians like Chinese, Japanese, and Koreans, and instead relating much more firmly to Mexican-Americans and other Latinos. it's a FASCINATING study on race and one (of many!) loopholes that exists in this very large, messy, totally made up construct of race.

A Lady for a Duke (Alexis Hall, 2022) - for my pride month romance novel I wanted to read something that I might actually like. I've previously adored Hall's genre-fucking ultra-queer Sherlock Holmes pastiche, the Affair of the Mysterious Letter, and Lady for a Duke was really well-reviewed, so my hopes were high! and you know what? I fucking loved this. it was like cotton candy, perfectly sweet and made to be inhaled without a second thought. Our Heroine Viola was the heir to an estate who faked her death at Waterloo so that she could run away and be herself - that's right baby, this is a 19th century trans lady romance! she reconnects with her old BFF the Duke of Gracewood, who's been catatonically depressed since losing his best friend in the war, and reader, you will not believe what happens next. just kidding, you totally will: they want to kiss each other so bad! they're yearning so bad and it's great. it's a very silly book and Gracewood is the most unexpectedly forward-thinking 19th century duke EVER who is instantly down to accept Viola entirely as a woman and thinks that having biological children is overrated, and you know what? that rules. I'm not reading this book for historical accuracy I'm reading it to watch a man beg his girlfriend to fuck him tenderly in the ass. and she does!!! if I'm being honest everything after they finally hook up is kind of nonsense and the book probably is too long, but god it's a delightful time.

Chlorine (Jade Song, 2023) - back in the days of twitter I started following Jade Song as soon as they announced selling this book, the story of a competitive high school swimmer succumbing to obsession as she fantasizes about becoming a mermaid. finally getting to pick up the book from the library and actually read it felt crazy after existing in potentia for so long! while Song's novel is a little rough in some places in exactly the way I expect from a debut, it's still gripping and visceral. our protagonist lives in an intense and demanding world, striving to please an overly handsy coach, wanting to please the immigrant parents she can barely speak to, stumbling through sex with boys on her team while longing for her female best friend. through it all she fixates on mermaids, and the story is told in flashbacks building up to a drastic act of self-mutilation at a swim meet. it's definitely not the right book for the faint of heart or anyone looking for feel-good fluff, but it's harrowing in the best way.

Vagabonds! (Eloghosa Osunde, 2022) - gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous! Osunde celebrates queer life - those called vagabonds, society's outliers - in Lagos, Nigeria, slipping between the real world of social stigma, oppressive religion, judgmental family, and dangerous politics, and the world of magic, gods, and the unreal, blending the two together in an effortlessly dizzying effect. the ultrawealthy hide behind layers of flawless masks to conceal their identities, a lonely woman dying of cancer summons up a daughter than only she can see, and a young man channels the devil to raise his murdered lover. while the stories start bleak, firmly establishing the danger of life on the margins, they gather speed with increasing warmth and love as the story progresses, eventually bringing all of our protagonists together in glorious, life-affirming celebration of vagabonds and all who love them. Nigeria, in Osunde's hands, reads much like family - imperfect, sometimes even awful, but also capable of harboring tremendous love, surprising tenderness, and still worth holding out hope for. I think measuring books in terms of relatability is a fool's game, but as an American queer watching more and more legislation and persecution roll out against my people each day, it was hard not to feel a cord being struck. Vagabonds! is a beautiful reminder that queer resilience is eternal, and reader, I did cry.

Quietly Hostile (Samantha Irby, 2023) - I was a ride or die bitch for Sam Irby even before she picked up and moved to my small Michigan city, effectively becoming my neighbor. (not really, but she is married to the mother of a friend of a friend, so.) despite this, I will freely admit that I was a little underwhelmed by her last release, 2020's Wow, No Thank You. it's possible that WNTY was damned by its March 2020 release, putting it in the awkward position of being a humorous essay collection creeping out into the world at a time when everyone was paranoid and nothing was funny; maybe on a reread I would receive it a bit more warmly. Quietly Hostile, on the other hand, is just stupid funny right out of the gate. Sam Irby is old (see: in her early 40s) and going downhill, writing candidly about peeing her pants everywhere, adopting a rancid little dog, getting sent to the hospital with a severe allergic reaction, and jacking off to plot-heavy porn of elderly lesbian nuns. it takes a little bit of work to get me to actually laugh out loud at a book but man, I was chortling. if you don't already know her work, this is a sign from god (me) to check Samantha Irby out now.

what am I reading now?

Black Water Sister (Zen Cho, 2021) - the was one of the oldest queer novels(TM) on my list and I really wanted to knock it out for pride month. the Malaysian setting and culture is a welcome addition to contemporary urban fantasy, but I'm not sure I'm crazy about the story overall. and yet, I'm over 200 pages deep and don't want to give up, so ? I guess I'm persisting.

Giovanni's Room (James Baldwin, 1956) - my local library lost their copy just in time for pride month, so I bought one on ebay for all of nine dollars. haven't started yet, but I'm really excited to finally pop that proverbial Baldwin cherry!

#bookblr #reading updates

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book-wyrm-thoughts · 5 months ago

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GREAT READS SO FAR

I Met my reading goal early this year so lets go over some of the highlights! These aren't going to be in depth just my general thoughts.

All the Hidden Paths by Foz Meadows. ⭐5/5

M/M fantasy Romance.

I read A Strange and Stubborn Endurance last year an loved it. It wasn't quite a 5/5. I'm so glad I grabbed this one. It builds upon everything from the first books. It goes into Vel's trauma more and the politics of Cae's new station. Also husbands falling in love.

This book also felt much more structured than the first one. At time of writing this review the Author hasn't mentioned writing another book in this series but if they do I'm absolutely buying it.

I'd recommend look into the trigger warnings for these books, while all traumas are dealt with in this series with care I saw in other reviews that people had issues going into this series.

Reborn by Seth Haddon ⭐4/5

M/M fantasy Romance

Another second book in what is sort of a series. This book takes place in the same world as Reforged with characters that were in that book. Though they can be read stand alone. I certainly read them out of order. I had initially DNFd Reforged but this book made me pick it back up and finish it.

To say that this book had me in a choke hold is an understatement, I read this in two sittings and the only reason I didn't read it in one go was the fact I started this book in the middle of the work week and I had to do stuff other than read.

I love the characters, the exploration of their respective cultures. it was just *chefs kiss* perfection. This is a another author who I have under automatic buy.

What Feasts at Night by T. Kingfisher ⭐4/5

Supernatural Queer Historical Horror

I adored What moves the Dead and while this book didn't have me captured like it predecessor had I still enjoyed it.

I love learning about the fictional country of Gallacia (not to be confused with Galicia, Spain) from it's customs to its multitude of pronouns.

We are back with Alex who is staying at their family's Hunting lodge with Angus and Miss Potter and again something strange is happening.

The Wolf at the Door by Charlie Adhara ⭐4/5

M/M Supernatural Murder Mystery Romance

This was a great pallet cleanser series between some heavier books, though maybe it isn't super light.

I'm a sucker for Werewolf/Shifter Romances. Like I can never get enough but I find myself disappointed with how they address the racism that usually comes along with the territory.

One thing I love about this series is the fact that they do address it. The main character, Cooper, works for the Bureau of Special Investigations which looks into Werewolf on human crime with emphasis on protecting humans. He's partnered up with Oliver Park, a werewolf working for The Trust (Werewolf Government) and Cooper starts to see the flaws in the BSI and how Werewolves are persecuted in the eyes of the law.

While I enjoy this i felt like it could have been explored more, though it is brought up throughout the series and Cooper does reflect on his own biases. Though this has been the best addressment in the shifter books I've read so far.

Anyway...the romance is cute and the mysteries are written in a way where I felt like I was solving them along side the characters. Each book in the series builds on the couple's relationship culminating with them getting married in the final book.

When First I Met My King by Harper Fox ⭐4/5

M/M retelling of King Arthur

It breaks my heart that this series will never be finished, but what is written is great.

This is one of those series where the books are short and just kind of one part of what should really be one regular length book. So if you're going to read it just read all three in one go.

I'm not sure how to describe writing styles but how ever you would describe how this book is written is how I want books written.

This book explores the changing or religion and by extension the role of women in society. I don't know much about the historical accuracy of how these topics are explored but it makes for a very compelling read.

Lance and Arthur's relationship is explored in great detail in this trilogy though they are apart for a good portion of the series.

#all the hidden paths #reborn seth haddon #The Wolf at the Door #Harper Fox Arthur trilogy #what feasts at night #bookblr #book reccs

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arisuinsomniac · 5 months ago

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This room has four walls

There is this trope in American media I see almost everywhere (or at least seemingly everywhere): the childhood room.

Childish in a way that evokes a time long past, and yet familiar down to the blemishes on the wall and scratch marks on the floor. It marks a step in the journey, but also the starting point. It is quaint in a way you can only describe when you're on your highs - comforting in the way you can only explain on your lows. Unchanging; eternal; a place to return but never... go to.

It's a queer feeling for me; you see, for as long as I remember, I never had that. My room was always mine, but never quite truly.

My first room is the one I can't remember. All I get are strands of memories of cloth curtains and someone I'd find myself calling mother - and lying about loving her.

My second room was the one I had all my childhood. It's still there, it's a bit smaller than I remember. There's none of the furniture it once had. I have many memories in that room, although I'm not particularly fond of any. It's where me and my friends played on emulators on my old Windows XP PC we had only because my mother and father both had a job to buy one.

My third room was the one I had most of my high school and early adult years. My parents had divorced, and following the death of my grandfather, I decided to come live with my grandmother. I changed that room a lot, I asked my stepfather to fashion a long PC table out of one of the sides of the wardrobe (some of the insides were rotting and I wanted a smaller bed, double beds make me feel lonely). I bought the bed and the blinds, and I hung all sorts of things on the wall. I sorted the books myself and had the pleasure in reorganizing them. It was the place I felt safe at home - away from the smells and the sounds.

My fourth room was my own, it was my house too, even if only rented. It was mine and yet it wasn't. It always felt too big, too cold, too everything that made it ever so slightly infuriating. And then it became too small when my friend came to live with me.

My fifth room is perfectly lukewarm. The perfect room to sleep in, a little corner of rot to sit down in. -- I hate that room. I hate the carpet and the mold, the clothes I can't bring myself to put inside the drawers, my estrogen I leave on my computer desk. I hate how hot and how cold it gets, and I most of all hate that it has four walls.

It's a queer feeling... I've been to so many rooms. Transient rooms, rooms I'd be for a day or a week, rooms that weren't mine, rooms that they told me are mine but really aren't. A promise of a room turned into an office. Another only reminds of how my family does not accept my identity. The third one is now my grandmother's.

I'm still searching - I don't know why. I hate the stagnation, the rot; I feel I'll never find the one room.

Yet I can't stand these four walls. I can't stand the safety they afford me, the temptation of never leaving - to become one with the mold. I hate how much I love these walls, inside these walls I don't need to get hurt, I don't need to think about who is lying and who's telling the truth - I can exist formless, just a transient fact in other people's lives, a page to be turned.

I bemoan having to leave these walls - when I leave these walls people call me by his name, they see only him, they can see all the scars, they can see the mask I put on and they can see my tail.

I wonder if I'll ever find the room, the room that doesn't have four walls. The room that will finally let me live rot-free, that'll want me to leave and be glad to return for rest.

So far, this room as well - this room has four walls.

#writing #vent #depression #mental health #anxiety

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louisegluckpdf · 1 year ago

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Share your hottest takes on bookshelves... This fandom needs more discourse

so glad you asked. step into my office.

my main complaint is that if you have a lot of books you want to store, you are shit outta luck unless you have built-in shelving. short bookshelves are fairly functional. take this generic 30" bookcase:

the books on the lower shelf demonstrate that these shelves are high enough that you could fit some taller volumes if you have them, but not so high that it becomes a waste of space. functionally, i'd say this is a pretty good bookcase! but what if, like me, you have lots of books you need space for? this is where things start to go off the rails.

shelves like these comprise the vast majority of tall bookshelves atm. if i see one more of these i'm gonna scream. firstly, they're visually abhorrent. the shelves are usually made of dark wood intentionally stained to look "rustic" while the frame is some kind of dark metal. the kind of thing you'd find at a self-proclaimed "gastropub" with edison bulbs in a gentrified neighborhood in 2016. secondly, there are no sides and no back. what's to stop my books from falling off the sides or behind the shelf? jack shit. or bookends, which would take up precious storage space. thirdly, these shelves are absurdly tall and a flagrant misuse of space. you could probably fit two more shelves on here if they weren't so far apart. even though this is a big shelf, it doesn't maximize its storage potential.

i think this all comes down to the fact that most people aren't buying bookshelves to store books. in almost all of the product photos, these shelves are full of plants and wicker baskets and pastel geometric art prints and maybe a handful of books here and there. the point of these shelves isn't storage, but display. which is fine. whatever. but where is the tall storage for those of us with actual books we need a place for!!!! what about us!!!!!!

#also as general complaint about the state of modern furniture composite wood is a scourge and demands immediate eradication #asks

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emotionally-helpful-illusionist · 1 year ago

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Hiya!

I feel like I'm introducing myself a lot, but I'm happy to do it again! I'm the Illusionist on the books, but really everyone calls me V. I've been working here for a few months now, I think I've gotten everything figured out!

I work as a disruptor, so I might not get the most kills, but I can pull the enemy team's attention away from you while you do... most of the killing, probably. I have hologram projectors and smoke bombs to buy you as much time as I can! If those don't end up working, shooting or stabbing is usually distracting enough.

Here's my little info card! Those pins on my hat tell you I'm aro and ace. I use she/her pronouns too, by the way.

Here's who I've made friends with so far!

@emotionallydeprived-shapeshifter - By far the person I've talked to the most. Really nice!

@emotionally-clumsy-soldier - Bravest man I've ever met, no idea how he does it.

@physically-synthetic-engibot - Sweet and respectful. Glad I managed to get him out of that factory.

@physically-dead-spring - Extremely confident, and somehow always doing something. She's friends with Shifty!

@emotionally-traumatized-wildcard - Chaotic and friendly at the same time!

@emotionally-inept-medics - Soldier's friend(s?). Very intelligent!

@mentally-joyful-demobot - A calm and well mannered friend. Loves to read and to garden!

@brighteyed-sniperbot - Currently camping out in my room until further notice. (I love the little guy but don't tell anyone I said that!)

✨✨✨

OOC SECTION:

Hi! I'm the person running this! I'm Oceania, I use he/they/she pronouns, and I'm aro ace like V! (Those definitely aren't related! /j) I'm new to roleplay on the internet, especially on tumblr, so please be nice to me lol. Follow backs and likes will be from @oceania627 since this is a sideblog! That's my personal blog.

Any relationship you see V in will be purely familial or platonic!

I may use tone tags in my out of character messages, you can find lists pretty easily just by searching for them. There are much better formulated explanations of what they are out there too!

Tell me if you think your blog should be added to the friends list! I might've forgotten about it by accident.

If I take a while to respond feel free to DM me or poke me some other way, I don't mind notifications!

I will take asks literally whenever, ask me or V anything!

Uh I think that's it! Let's do it!

(This post was last edited on April 29th, 2024.)

#emotionally helpful illusionist #OOC: WOOOOOO I'M EXCITED!!!#LET'S DO THIS!!!#ooc: no tag system yet lol-- couldn't think of anything cool enough

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animentality · 2 years ago

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I haven’t read your books yet, you know how it is, money~, but I bet they’re pretty good and I am planning to buy and read them, they’re on The List, and I hold you in high regards as a person I kinda vaguely barely know. I say this first to preface, because, from the kindest most adoring place of my heart okay, this reminded me of you, no offense: https://www.tumblr.com/pjackk/721300009283420160/whats-up-tunblr-basically-i-just-wrote-this-book

Ouch.

Glad you preceded this with a compliment...

But brutal.

For what it's worth, I also hate having to reduce my books to tropes...and I try not to, with any of my promotional posts...

But uh...good to know this is how I come across :S

But in my defense...and in defense of other authors... it's super easy for people to make fun of how we have to promote our books, but in this terrible digital economy...I mean.

It's hard to keep people's attention, and it's hard to sell books.

It's not like selling art, doing commissions, making animations, or well-edited videos. Books are inherently harder to sell and market and build an audience for, because they're an investment of time and focus.

They aren't as easy to dive into and enjoy. A webcomic chapter you could read in twenty minutes. A pretty picture you can reblog, and you can commission the artist if you love the style. A Youtube video can be ten minutes of investment. Maybe an hour, tops.

But a book?

Books will always struggle more than shows or animations, because it takes a certain kind of person to read books, and in this day and age, attention spans are shorter than ever.

You spend fucking years writing your books, and you edit, and you revise, and write some more, and edit some more, and revise some more, and then you have to promote.

All the time, in every way you can imagine. Using whatever tools you have... all the time, every way.

Otherwise, you don't see any sales at all, and then it's like you wasted three years of your life fiddling around, while everyone you know is making bank on crypto or whatever the fuck.

If I was good at fucking BookTok? I wouldn't be fucking here promoting at all.

I could leave my blog as the little meme machine it's always been.

But I'm bad at fucking TikTok.

And I mildly resent being compared to a TikTok author, because if I was any good at that, I WOULD NOT BE HERE promoting my books at all.

Tumblr is the worst place to promote anything, ever.

That's part of why I like it...but at the same time, that's why it's such a torturous practice, trying to promote my novels here.

No one here gives a fuck. And I'm fine with that.

I'm ok with that.

But I can't throw away hard work without at least trying.

I don't really get the criticisms of authors in those comments anyway.

What have those people tried to put out into the world?

You think self published authors are just jokes, or that they aren't marketing themselves well?

Maybe both are true, but someone who makes something, no matter how shit, has still MADE something.

It's easy to tear others down. It's not easy to make something that you care about, and put out into the world for others to see and judge.

And for those people in the comments too, I have to ask.

Is a book only good, if it's published by a company?

Because books that are self published are actually a LOT LESS likely to be made up of tropes and cliches.

People who self publish tend to write weirder and more out of the box things. They RESORT to tropes because they feel you won't pay attention to their books without them.

they feel you won't give their concept a try, unless they dumb it down for everyone.

They pretend the book is something it's not, out of sheer desperation.

I market 7 Deadly Habits like it's a fucking adventure action romance comedy...?

It's actually pretty fucking dark and grim and sad.

the main character is fucked up, and so are all his exes. So is the entire world they live in.

It's really not a funny book. It has dark humor, but it's hinged on an unhinged concept, one that I find darkly interesting.

But I lie and say it's a funny adventurous romp of sex and violence.

Because that's how I have to market it.

I try other things, of course, but I have found most people would rather read a romance than an anti-romance, which is more of what it is.

People don't want to try new things. They want more of the shit they already have.

to make something new, or different, or non-conventional, is to accept that you will have to water it down when you're trying to offer it to people.

So yeah.

I get it. Authors who blaze their book promotions are desperate losers and weirdo freaks with very bizarre interests and isn't it funny, how hard they're trying?

But you know.

What else can we be?

Leigh Bardugo?

Trust me. I wish I was a good writer. I wish I wrote straight YA fantasy books that kids and adults and everyone can enjoy. I wish I had a literary agent and five star publishing houses giving me 20 million dollars for my next book.

I wish I was a multi millionaire white woman, in an industry of rich white women, who write sexy murder mysteries and cozy thrillers and steamy vampire eroticas.

But I am what I am, and that's a queer self published POC author, who has no one in my corner, but me. Whose only means of promotion is my own efforts.

So no, I don't really look at other self published authors with disdain or wry detachment.

I know how they feel.

I know how much it sucks.

#writing #writers on tumblr #thanks for the ask anon #im sorry #i know you were trying to be nice #but i dont know #that post is mean spirited #i get the urge to disdain blazed posts and all #but not for novels or artwork like #why would you make fun of creatives using blaze #its not like theyre promoting their fucking cryto scams #or some suspicious link to the dark web #or their damn kik or paypal or whatever #they made something and theyre throwing it out there for everyone to judge and mock #i have had nasty comments in every single post ive ever blazed or even posts my friends have blazed #i dont mind them #i just find it odd that youd share this post with me and expect me to find it amusing #i mostly find it cynical and disdainful

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