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sixteenthshen · 4 years ago

Text

post-finale stuff

Possible spoilers. Beware

Last night, I happened to check the scriptwriter's Weibo and saw that she had liked this fan's post. It's the only non-work related Weibo post that she had liked, so of course, I went to read it.

The fact that this is the only fan post she's given her approval to must mean that it is on point and she agrees with the characterisation. I thought it's pretty good, so I've gone ahead to translate it here. I own 0 rights to this. I just thought it's a good perspective that may help others like me who struggled with the ending.

I think I've mostly made my peace with it now, and to sum it up:

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they are.

A-Xu never once blamed Lao Wen for how things turned out because he understood that. And he’s clearly a better person than I am (lol).

Let me be clear about my stand - the real victim of how the drama unfolded in the last six episodes is WKX. When we feel our hearts ache for ZZS, it's because the show let down WKX (the character). If your heart is only hurting for WKX during episodes 33-34, you should try to ship WKX with someone else, ok? If you think the last six episodes were great and that WKX was very romantic (and only romantic), then I honestly don't know what to say.

I ship wenzhou. That means I like both Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu. I want them to love each other, be good to each other and live happily ever after. And I want them not to be OOC.

The rest behind the cut. Spoilers for the whole drama.

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First, the source. Here is a link to that Weibo post, by 爱吐槽的栗小姐. I will delete this if requested by the OP - because this is really in a grey area imo. But I think the intention of a public post is for it to be shared? (especially something like this, which argues a point)

Secondly, the poster does try to be fair in her post, but as the problem here is WKX's ruined characterisation, ZZS's character is analysed primarily concerning this issue only. There's quite a bit left to ZZS's character and backstory that isn't relevant. I believe that's why the post doesn't elaborate on it, or so I hope.

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Ever since WKX faked his death, I received three to four waves of fellow sister fans' mournful wails: "Lao Wen actually faked his death; does he have a heart?" "They were supposed to be of the same heart and treat each other with honesty. How did they regress?" "What happened to their innate soulmate-ness?" "Why does A-Xu always say to face things together, yet Lao Wen always keeps his plans from him?" "A-Xu loves Lao Wen, yet Lao Wen only loves himself"…….

Wait. What have you guys misunderstood about the meaning of soulmates?

Soulmates are about values, but a person's behaviour… that's methodology FFS!

(Do they no longer teach this in political affairs class in high school anymore?)

Wenzhou, these soulmates, are incomparably compatible and mesh well in terms of values. According to the scriptwriter, the entire jianghu wants and tries to get the pieces of Glazed Armour, save the two of them. Not only do they not care for the peerless martial arts, immense power, nor the massive wealth that the Glazed Armour represents, they don't even care for the power they hold in their hands –Ghost Valley and the Window of Heaven. Both of them willing to give it up without a second thought.

Before they met each other, they were so tired of (ZZS) and so angry at (WKX) this earthly world that they didn't even want to live on anymore.

After they met each other, they gradually began to feel the warmth in this world again. How nice it would be if they could live in seclusion, hand in hand and just bask in the sun.

In this world, where everyone else is fighting for power or wealth, they are true soulmates. To intelligent people like them, whether or not they're honest about their identities or secrets is merely a matter of formality. They had already determined their attraction to the other's soul early on and have never doubted it.

There may be some here who would criticise loudly at this point, "Then can't you be more considerate for your soulmate (the actual phrased used is "spiritual companion")? A-Xu has said many times, let's face everything together, I'll bet that you will be honest with me. If you really love him, then why can't you care for his feelings?"

----- You guys, you've never been married.

If two souls meeting can naturally resolve all behavioural conflicts and disagreements, then the theory of "breaking in" * would not exist.

Let us take a look at what kind of a person WKX and ZZS each are.

Wen Kexing, he's a lone wolf.

After his parents' death and his entering the Ghost Valley, his smooth sailing life suddenly fell off a cliff. Ever since then, the only person he could rely on was himself. That deep-seated hatred is carved into his bones, yet he can't speak of it to anyone else. He isn't the same type of person as the rest of the ghosts in the Ghost Valley; he isn't the same type of person as A-Xiang, who he raised. If we talk about the world and everyone who lives in it, he doesn't have any fetters or feels any (positive) emotions.

His supposed craziness is a form of indifference. He's indifferent to others' lives, nor his own, because he just doesn't care. (T/N: I think he does care for his own life, but only for revenge, after that, he's indifferent. Indifferent isn't suicidal. I don't know why some fans seem to be confusing the two. Although he didn't plan to, if he somehow manages to stay alive after getting his revenge, WKX will continue to live on, even if it's only to keep A-Xiang happy because he is indifferent.)

Growing up like this, being solitary became his style. He's used to doing everything alone, used to making his own decisions, used to digesting all his emotions himself.

Every time he argues with A-Xu, he digests his emotions himself. The next day, he faces A-Xu with a smile again.

This is how he loves, to take it upon himself to face danger, difficulty and pain alone. It's how he had supported A-Xiang all these years in the Ghost Valley and what he's used to.

While Zhou Zishu, he's a lead horse (of a herd). **

Since a very young age, he's taught to take responsibility. He's used to bearing everything on his shoulders, be it the responsibility of his family or the responsibility for the Four Seasons Manor, even the responsibility for saving commoners from disasters.

Unlike the lone wolf, the lead horse is ultimately a social animal.

Regardless of his identity as the Manor Lord of the Four Seasons Manor or the Leader of the Window of Heaven, he's always the one to lead the herd and rarely fights alone. So, A-Xu not only has leadership ability but more than that, he also knows how to be tolerant and accepting of the differences of his team members. You can see the various ways he managed to influence Lao Wen along the road; he's firm when he needs to be and soft the other times. It's absolutely textbook in managing your lover workplace management.

Zhou Zishu believes in communication whenever there's a problem, that they should be open and honest. So, teamwork is what he's used to.

Does it mean that when a horse and lone wolf fall in love, that there won't be a breaking in period?

Obviously not.

I guess this is where some may say again, "isn't this part of a character's arc/development? The two of them quarrel time and time again. Did WKX not grow at all from it?"

Of course, after meeting each other, they both grew and saved each other.

When he first left Window of Heaven, A-Xu was lonely with regret. Unlike the lone wolf who's used to doing everything alone, a lead horse without the last of his herd has no way to bear the bone-deep loneliness and merciless self-recrimination.

ZZS wandered around this world aimlessly until Lao Wen started pestering him, until he picked up Zhang Chengling, right up until he felt he hadn't singlehandedly destroyed the Four Seasons Manor. This lead horse finally regained a goal in life. He gained a partner and a lover. Lao Wen sticks to him, Chengling relies on him, and the abandoned Four Seasons Manor became like-new in his hands. He finally reconciles with himself.

When he first came out of the valley, Lao Wen carried a rage strong enough to burn the world down. But when he met A-Xu, he also met the beauty of the world.

When the Four Sages of Anji died, WKX understood how he caused innocent suffering. When Gao Chong walked to his death knowingly, he understood that although some may desire power, they could still be righteous and upstanding people. When he learned of everything Long Que sacrificed to protect his family***, he finally relaxed his guard.

There were so many types of good people and things that he saw along this journey that he hadn't seen in the Ghost Valley. When A-Xu told him he was a good person as they basked in the sun, he genuinely wanted to return to the human (vs ghost) realm and be a good man.

Along their journey, A-Xu made up for the morals and values that WKX lost in the Ghost Valley and showed him a new world outlook. He appeased Lao Wen's anger, tempered his extremism. The process wasn't easy, but not that difficult either, because, in the end, Lao Wen is kind at heart.

But in the end, being a lone wolf is how he survived and succeeded in a place like the Ghost Valley. When A-Xu was so heavily injured and needed a lot of rest (for Wu Xi) to save his life, Lao Wen suddenly recalled his enemies and how such an excellent opportunity to take revenge just fell into his lap. Everything was in place, and all he needed to do was hide it from A-Xu; he could leave for a short while and have it settled quickly. Upon returning, he could then live happily ever after with his wife. To a crazy lone wolf, why would he not take a gamble?

What he couldn't predict was the news would've been leaked (to A-Xu), and he didn't know that by doing so, he would've forever lost his love.

Both of them were using their own methods to love the other person. Zhou Zishu is more forgiving and accepting because being forgiving is in his blood. While what WKX learned in his years in the Ghost Valley is -- love needs to be protected, like how he has A-Xiang, who he considers a sister, call himself master (to protect her).

Only when faced with painful consequences can a person's deep-rooted habits and approach to things change. So I don't think faking his death ruined the characterisation of Wen Kexing, but I regret that the last two episodes did not have a scene to show us Lao Wen's heartbreak when he learns the truth.

Until I know what it feels like to have lost you, I will only love you in my own way.

T/N:

*I can't think of the correct phrase for this as I don't read all that much about relationships >< please let me know if you know of it. Here, I'm referring to the process of wearing something new (like shoes) that will hurt at the start until it becomes soft and comfortable.

** I did some side-reading, and omg, A-Xu is TOTALLY the lead mare. Although he's not the stallion and weak/dying for most of the show, he's the head of their little family, and he expects "to be obeyed", aka, I'm not going to learn how to cook. Call me for dinner. Kthxbye.

From Rutgers' website: A herd of wild horses consists of one or two stallions, a group of mares, and their foals. The leader of the herd is usually an older mare (the "alpha mare"), even though one stallion owns the herd. She maintains her dominant role even though she may be physically weaker than the others. The older mare has had more experiences, more close encounters, and survived more threats than any other horse in the herd. The requirement of the lead horse is not strength or size; if this were so, then humans could never dominate a horse. Dominance is established not only through aggression but also through attitudes that let the other horses know she expects to be obeyed.

***I think this is important here because WKX wasn't crying for his loss. I think a big part of him was realising not everyone in the world was callous and turned their backs on his parents, that he could've gone his whole life without ever discovering what sacrifices some people have made. Good people suffer quietly and in silence. It's a big moment to realise he was wrong about many things that he had let hatred blind himself to the world. Because although he was sad about the Four Sages and somewhat shocked by Gao Chong's death, he hadn't truly faced up to his actions until now.

(screenshot of the scriptwriter liking the above post)

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To add:

I'm not sure how many of you read my "opinion" posts, but I've been struggling to find a way to accept the last six episodes of Word of Honor. I first tried looking at open forum postings, comments, and Tumblr posts. None of it worked because it was just arguing and emotions and no one made points good enough for me to accept things.

So I gave up and went back to reading Chinese sites. I found many posts discussing the plot. Some I liked, some I didn't, but none satisfied my need for a reasonable explanation. I felt they had biases (both ways), or else it lacked logic. After a time, I realised that I should be looking for WKX-stans (or pro-WKX fans) because they would be more motivated to explain his side, but also because well-written posts by wenzhou-fans & ZZS-stans made me super sad.

I'm sorry, but those who keep trying to explain why the ending was good completely missed that episodes 32-34 are the real problem to those who don't like it and only focused on 36. I can understand if people don't think those episodes are a problem, but no one could provide an articulate and sensible reason. There are just too few well-reasoned plot-focused posts in English (sorry). I've seen too many examples of WKX-fans arguing with people who are upset about the ending, backed by nothing more than "look how much WKX suffers, woe is him. And how romantic is this????" *dies*

Lastly, if you spot anything inaccurate, let me know & I will correct it.

#word of honor #word of honor meta #wenzhou #opinion #i think this counts as meta #if you think the drama did WKX justice #and that he can do no wrong #in the last 6 episodes #....#......#srsly #you can't claim to ship wenzhou #& think the last 6 eps are perfect

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scruffyssketchbook · 3 years ago

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I've been really inactive lately, so I'll try to get this posted.

I noticed something that might classify as a plot hole. The PC system add-on that allows pokemon to get injured.

For starters, we never get an explanation for why this add-on was added in the first place. Supposedly, Vay was loopy from his "karp krakers", and put the add-on into the PC without thinking.

Also, we never get an explanation as to how this add-on works. Or, more accurately, how the PC works. Does the PC normally prevent the eevees from feeling pain and being injured at all? For example, even if Blizz tried his hardest, punching someone would be like punching a brick wall for an average person. Or, does the PC simply heal any major injuries the eevees take on? Or is it somewhere in between?

I know that, from the perspective that this is a comic that needs drama, having the add-on allows characters to hurt each other. (See Jed and Shane.) But, from an in comic perspective, this makes no sense.

Secondly, even if we did have a good explanation for how the add-on came to be, why didn't the trainer just get rid of it. And I don't want the explanation that she's stupid. She is 16, she knows how to work a computer. Even if she didn't, she could force Vay to do it, or get Bede (The person who runs the PC system in Sinho) to do it. I also don't want the explanation that she is negligent. She is, but she took the time to look into it after Harmony got hurt. I doubt she would just turn around and do nothing after learning about the add-on.

I may be missing context here, as there is one comic page that I can't access, the page 100 variation on patreon. Maybe there's an explanation in there, but I wouldn't know.

Thirdly, even if we ignore the trainer, what about Dusk? We already know that he has tried to get Blizz to work with him in stopping Icedrop and Greenpaw from fighting. Not to beat around the bush, Greenpaw does bully Icedrop, they just do it in a more covert, mental, and emotional way than Icedrop bullies Greenpaw.

However, Blizz refuses to help, partially because both Dusk and Blizz are petty. If Dusk genuinely wants to stop Icedrop, why not just get rid of the add-on? We know Dusk can manipulate electronics, so why not just delete the add-on, either from within the PC, or sneakily from outside it? Furthermore, Dusk is not stupid. He knows that Vay added the add-on, or at least could figure that out. He and Vay are also in good relations, so why doesn't he, or hasn't he, asked Vay to get rid of the add-on?

The explanation of "Dusk is just a jerk" does not work. Dusk can be a jerk, but everything he does he does for a reason. Most of him being a jerk comes from him being egotistical, narcissistic, and thinking he knows what's best for everyone even when he doesn't.

The only explanation that works is that he doesn't get rid of the add-on due to the fact it would put Daisy and the other hospital vees out of a job.

Last, but certainly not least, is the fact that pokemon other than eevee exist in the trainer's PC. We even get to see one of the other boxes. My point here is that the other pokemon would notice something wrong eventually. Best case senario, they notice due to realizing they can feel pain. Worst, they notice due to a major injury not being healed by the PC.

Those pokemon would want to know what happened. Amusing they either are told the truth or find out on their own, why wouldn't they ask Vay to take off the add-on. If Dusk (since he is the only one I can think of who would try to spin a story) told them a lie, then would every pokemon in the entire PC believe him. Charm and smooth words can only go so far.

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I have two extra questions I thought up while writing this.

Bonus question 1: How did the trainer know that Harmony was injured? Did vay tell her? She check the pokemon's health in the PC often (both stat, and convential health)?

Bonus 2: If we know pokemon can learn to read and write, then why have none of the pokemon other than Vay tried to communicate with their trainer. What is the point of using Vay as a translator, when the pokemon could just write to the trianer? Do they just want to hide how much they know?

On top of that, if pokemon can learn to use computers, what's stooping them from just using text to speech, completely circumventing Vay all together.

bonus 3: Do the pokemon age in the PC? We know Eve is around two years old, so is she physically still a newborn, or has she physically grown?

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Summary/tl;dr

q1: What are the specifics of how the damage allowing add-on was put into the PC?

q2: How does this add-on, and the PC system's healing ability, work?

q3: Why didn't their trainer take the add-on off the PC?

q4: Why didn't Dusk take the add-on off the PC?

q5: Why didn't any of the other pokemon in the PC take off the add-on?

bq1: How did the trainer know that Harmony was injured?

bq2: Why don't we ever see pokemon that know how to write communicate with the trainer?

bq3: Do the pokemon physically age in the PC?

Author chan: Over here asking the important questions! Alright! I can explain!

The mod basically prevents pokemon from healing without outside means like things that can heal a pokemon, Potions, full heals, antidotes, etc etc. This is why it's called the Damage keeper mod.

Normally in the PC, pokemon can feel pain, but they will quickly heal overtime, but with the mod, it just stops this function all together. Usually in the world, it's used with the "No heal on Entrance" mod for trainers who participate in Nuzlocke challenges.

Vay inputted the Damage keeper mod into the PC for one reason, and one reason only. No, he wasn't loopy, He knew what he was doing, and added it on purpose. It was a pretty selfish decision all in all, but I can't say the reason why. It's vaguely hinted to tho. Yes! It makes no sense to have a mod like that inputted in universe. Literally no other character would ever put in this mod into the if given the chance! But, Vay put it in for a specific purpose. Said purpose was actually shown in "Battle scars". Now. Why would Vay do this? Why would he input a mod that makes all pokemon to keep the damage they receive in the box?

Well. He simply only thinks of himself. He didn't think or care about the effect the mod would have on the other pokemon in the PC, just how he could use it to do what he wanted to do. And yes. Vay is a jerk. He's my least favorite main for a reason, you know.

Next up!

As said in comic 200c, Mods are very hard to take off. Why? Well. We are dealing with actual creatures. One wrong move and hundreds of them will get corrupted and essentially die. This isn't like Minecraft, despite me comparing the PC to a minecraft server for explaining how it works to others. Since this mod affects the pokemon directly, its harder to remove because it’s just a big risk for the pokemon. This is also why Dusk cant just remove it. It is too big of a risk to all the pokemon in the PC, which there are over 1000 of at this point. Healing items and free hospitals are a temporary fix.

Also! Blizz does try to help with the bullying, as seen with comic #302, where he states "It's a misunderstanding" followed by text covered by Bolt talking/ignoring him saying "I saw a greenpaw eevee being bullied by Mike and Tike and-" Which, we see on page #298 Tike was the eevee he was punishing.

Lastly! Why don't the other pokemon notice. Well, The few who have been in a PC before do, but most of the pokemon were wild pokemon before they appeared in the PC, so they don’t know how a normal PC feels like. And ofc, how would a pokemon know who to ask about why the PC works the way it does? Mods are common in the world, cause trainers like to give PC pokemon things to do while rotting away. This is actually going to be talked about with Eevui, the new Eevee the trainer obtained via wondertrading. He was in a normal PC before he was traded, so he'd notice the difference, and will comment on it. Funny thing, I have a comic about him trying to describe the PC to pokemon who never been in one before before he goes in the trainer's pc, and it looks completely different from OUR PC box.

Bonus Questions!!

Harmony was brought out of the PC, to the pokemon center, and a nurse Joy informed her that her pokemon was badly injured.

Bro, you so right. I realized this last year and was like "omg" until I remembered that- Pokemon language is different from human language. Ofc, there are pokemon who can read human language in the world, but pokemon and human stuff are different. And in the PC, things are translated into pokemon if not already in pokemon. This does mean pokemon can write to the trainer and it can get translated, but Vay is just an easier method of translation, especially for pokemon who have a harder time reading, writing, and typing (also there are different pokemon languages as well so oof) then like. Not every pokemon knows how to read and write. It’s a privlage usually given only to few captive pokemon. Wild pokemon learning how to read/write in their own language is VERY RARE, especially due to the lack of materials. And the only civilized boxes in the PC are box 1, 2, and 3, so only pokemon living in those boxes have a reason to learn how to read, and resources to learn.

Pokemon are born the height that they stay at all their life, unless they evolve. (Or are Nego. The little weirdo) This is to mimic how it is in pokemon games. So, no. Pokemon don't physically grow. They DO mentally age however. Pokemon tend to age mentally at different rates, so for example, a newborn who is immediately thrusted into situations not meant for a baby (ie, breeding, battling, contests) will mentally age faster than someone (like Eve) Who has stayed in the PC all their life. Nego and Eve are about the same age (Nego being 6 months older) Yet, Nego acts like an infant while Eve does not. This is because Nego ages physically and mentally like a human, while Eve ages quicker mentally, like pokemon do. This also tends to mean that when a pokemon is born doesn't matter much, as they can mentally be ahead or behind.

I hope these answered your questions!! I like talking about SSEC world building! (Its just that I never have the chance to talk about it in detail QuQ)

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acecademia · 3 years ago

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What do you think is wrong with The 57 Bus winning an award? Do you like the book and author?

Hi, nonny!

You have activated Rant Mode TM

All my friends are probably sick of me ranting about this book and how much it pissed me off. (It's one of those "okay I'm done." *five seconds later* "AND ANOTHER THING" situations ��) I wrote a review of this book a while back, which can be found on my website, but I'll go into some of the major points here as well.

Quick overview of the book: The 57 Bus is a non-fiction book written by a journalist named Dashka Slater. It covers a hate crime that occurred in California in 2013. An agender teen named Sasha was riding a public bus and fell asleep. They were wearing a skirt. Another teen (Richard) was also riding this bus with his friends. He didn't know Sasha, but upon seeing them asleep on the bus, he and his friends thought it would be "funny" to set Sasha's skirt on fire (because Sasha didn't present as female and, y'know, people who aren't women wearing skirts is like "offensive" or some shit idk). Sasha woke up on the bus literally on fire. They were burned very badly and had to have surgery. The 57 Bus tells the stories of Sasha and Richard and covers their lives before and after that horrific day.

Deadnaming: Sasha is repeatedly deadnamed throughout the book. There is no indication that they consented to their deadname being published. Deadnaming Sasha does nothing. To quote a popular social media post "if you know a trans person’s deadname, no you don’t." You delete that shit from your memory and move on. That is not their name, and unless they specifically tell you to use it (like in front of family or other people they're not out to), you do not know their deadname. Sasha is also referred to with he/him pronouns occasionally despite explicitly giving their pronouns as they/them. The author also deadnames one of Sasha's trans friends and uses their transness as like a kind of shock/plot twist like "oh hey these kids knew each other before they both came out as trans!!" Also, the author uses she/her pronouns for Sasha's friend before she reveals her big "plot twist" even though he is a trans man and uses he/him pronouns. I've brought this up with trans friends to make sure it wasn't just like cis girl ally crying transphobia, and the people I've spoken to were all super uncomfy with the author's misuse of deadnames and pronouns. Obviously, that doesn't mean that all trans people feel that way, but it's a weird choice that alienates people in that community, so like... bad call imo

Sympathy for Richard: Look, I am a white girl. I don't know what it's like to grow up in the US as a Black boy. I will never fully understand that experience. I recognize that it is difficult and that there's some frankly horrifying bullshit that Black boys and men are put through. However, that doesn't make it okay for them to set people on fire???? There's a weird amount of sympathy for Richard in a "he had a rough life" kind of way when he literally SET SOMEONE ON FIRE. Like, yeah, we need to address systemic racism in our society and move toward racial justice and equity, but we also can't just be like "oh he didn't know any better. society made him that way uwu" when someone literally commits a hate crime.

Misunderstandings of queer identities: One of these isn't on the author, but one of them is. I initially picked up this book because I was writing an annotated bibliography of youth literature with asexual protagonists/subjects or resources that covered asexuality. One of the Library of Congress subject headings for this book was "Asexual people—California—Violence against—Juvenile literature." Here's the thing: Sasha is asexual, sure. But the crime that was committed against them wasn't because they were asexual but because they were agender. So that's like just a complete misunderstanding of terminology there. Secondly, the author includes a glossary of LGBTQ+ terms but chose to write her own definitions rather than, say, going to a reputable source or, idk, asking queer people? As such, she defines being asexual as "Not physically attracted to anyone," which is kind of reductive and overly simplistic. It's a spectrum.

Sources? What Sources? (aka Citation Needed): SERIOUSLY, LADY, WHERE ARE YOU GETTING YOUR INFO FROM??? She says that she got some information or quotes from the social media pages of Sasha and Richard (and maybe their friends? idr), but other than that, she gives 0 indication of the sources of any of the facts she spews. Like, there are parts where she gives statistics. Like hard numbers. And she doesn't say where she got the numbers from??? There are no in-text citations, no footnotes, and no backmatter explaining where she's getting this information. And like hey, she's a journalist, so maybe she's not used to like doing full-on academic source citing, but come on, you can't just use numbers to back up your argument, refuse to tell me where they came from, and then expect me to just accept it at face value. You can't just say you did "extensive research" and refuse to elaborate. You could have googled that and gotten your numbers from a Twitter shitpost for all I know.

Format: This is a non-fiction book about a real and traumatic incident that actually happened. It was written by a journalist. So why, why does it randomly switch between prose and poetry?? What is the point of the poetry? What does it add? Nothing, that's what it adds.

I don't understand why this book won awards. I'm not sure who was on the committees for those awards that year, but like.... I'd be surprised if there was more than like maybe 1 trans person at most (and I kind of doubt that there was even 1).

Anyway, that's my big rant about The 57 Bus and why I hate it. If there are trans people who felt differently about it, I'd love to hear different perspectives! That also goes for people of color who have comments on the way that Richard was portrayed and treated throughout the book.

#replies #anon #nicole speaks #nicole rambles #the 57 bus #deadnaming mention

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baragakiscans · 5 years ago

Text

Firstly, sorry for losing the post to your ask! Tumblr shitty UI stuff happened and I accidentally deleted the draft TvT (they should make an option for asks to reappear if the draft answer got deleted or sth smh)

Secondly, IM SO SORRY FOR THE EXTREMELY LONG POST AAAAA

I tried to keep the explanations short like I did for Saraba (even that was pretty long) but then the more I tried the longer it became, and in the end what was supposed to be my take on like 2 pages of this book became this extremely long in-depth analysis of the entire book _(´ཀ`」 ∠)_ But I mean, I’ve agonised over the translations for this book for almost half a year and I have Lots of Feelings about it because GOD I LOVE THIS BOOK

Anyway, Makkura is another one of those books with a lot of hidden layers that can be unpacked from the story with multiple rereads. Unlike Saraba where some things were intentionally left open to interpretation (I think), though, this book is slightly more straightforward, and I’d like to offer my take on the story.

Long post and Makkura spoilers below the cut!

At the beginning of the story, Gintoki and Hijikata were already dating (secretly-but-not-so-secretly). They’ve clearly been dating for a while now; Hijikata coming over to Gintoki’s place to stay the night (though he’d usually be gone by morning), mayonnaise in the Yorozuya fridge, etc… Though their displays of affection were rather subdued, to the onlooker (and everyone else around them) these two idiots were so obviously crazy in love with each other 💕💕 However, there is something that seems a little… off about their relationship, and this something would have continued lurking in the shadows…

The beginning of the end…?

…Had Gintoki not lost all of his memories of his relationship with Hijikata. Gone was the man who would become agitated at the mere thought of his beloved going into danger; the man before Hijikata now barely knew him, and the thought of dating the Demon Vice Commander would never have crossed his mind.

Imagine waking up to find out that your boyfriend has forgotten all about his relationship with you and makes THIS face at the mere thought of shacking up with you

What Hijikata did next may seem illogical at first (and don’t get me wrong, it really is), but it makes a bit more sense once you realise what exactly was off about their relationship.

You see, Hijikata didn’t think that he was good enough for Gintoki.

If you’re familiar with Syaku’s works, you may have noticed a particular trope being rather common: Hijikata and/or Gintoki falling in love with the other, yet not taking the step forward because they were afraid of getting in the way of the other’s creed—to protect.

Looks familiar? ;)

In Makkura, they did manage to take that step forward (regardless of who made that step first), but even so, there’s always been a niggling doubt somewhere in the back of Hijikata’s mind that maybe—just maybe—Gintoki would be better off without him. Hijikata would do everything in his power to protect the Shinsengumi, and he knows that Gintoki would do the same to protect those he holds dear. It just didn’t occur to him that he was one of them, too. Instead, he was afraid of Gintoki straying from his path because of him.

Gintoki losing his memories was like a wake-up call to Hijikata, that his relationship with Gintoki was too good to be true—and if it will all come to an end eventually anyway, then he should be the one to pull the plug first, especially since the perfect opportunity to reset everything to a clean state has presented itself. He pretended that nothing happened between the two of them. He told Gintoki to “Forget about all this. Everything.” He tried to convince himself that he should make a clean break and completely remove himself from Gintoki’s life, and be content with merely watching from afar.

Maybe Hijikata thought that since he and Gintoki never confirmed their relationship, the people around them will just shrug it off, or won’t notice the change in behaviour. But needless to say, everyone around them immediately noticed that something was wrong. And they even had Hijikata’s inner thoughts all figured out.

The Shinsengumi members know their vice commander too well XD

Even Gintoki himself had managed to put two and two together, but he just couldn’t figure out why he fell in love with the man with whom he always fights like cats and dogs. And since Hijikata himself was so adamant on nothing happening, all he could do was watch as the man-who-is-apparently-his-lover-but-he-somehow-forgot told him to stay out of his way. That’s why, it’s up to everyone else to restore Gintoki’s memories and get these two idiots back together.

While the Yorozuya kids were scrambling to find the antidote, Hijikata opted to go down the slippery slope of self-abandonment by meeting the pervert Bakufu official despite knowing full well what might happen to him. He thought it was all for the sake of the Shinsengumi, but seeing Gintoki down the hallway jolted him back to his senses and made him realise just how wrong he was. He realised the reason why he was actually doing this—to see if Gintoki would come to his aid, to see if Gintoki was still the man he knows and love. He realised that he doesn’t want to give his body to anyone anymore—anyone else, that is. He realised just how truly madly deeply in love he was with Gintoki.

What indeed…

By the time he realised this, though, it already seemed too late; it didn’t seem like Gintoki was going to save him. So, he resolved to keep his memories of Gintoki as a happy dream, and was ready to succumb to despair—when Gintoki finally comes to the rescue! (Not sure if Yamazaki didn’t press the button on purpose here) Of course, Gintoki was pissed off that Hijikata would do something this reckless. So he told Hijikata, “You should treasure yourself more…” (BTW, the original Japanese really only had “You should _______ more…”, I had to fill in the blanks) That’s when Hijikata realised that he was right all along; Gintoki hasn’t changed, even without Hijikata’s memories. And that’s all he needed to know.

And over in this exhibit we have the exact moment when Gintoki fell in love all over again

Right when Gintoki was about to profess his love say something to Hijikata, the kids finally arrive with the antidote! And Sougo even figured out that Gintoki doesn’t really need the antidote anymore since he’s in back in love with Hijikata XD But of course Gintoki wants to remember. Of course he wants to remember all about his time together with the man he now knows he loves. He drinks the antidote—

Ohhhh boy shit’s about to go DOWN

—And we arrive at the emotional climax of the story. Gintoki’s furious—Of course he would be; his lover just tried to erase himself from his life, thinking that it was for his sake! Gintoki thought that Hijikata had underestimated him—in a way, he’s right; Hijikata had underestimated just how much Gintoki needs him. He knew that Gintoki loves him, but he also thought that Gintoki should forsake him for the sake of those he wants to protect.

That’s why Gintoki let Hijikata know just how much he means to him. He has already come to know all of him, so he can’t ever bring himself to let him go. That’s when Hijikata started to realise that he was wrong about Gintoki, and wrong about himself. He meant much more to Gintoki than he ever thought he did.

This led to the one exchange that I wrote out this entire analysis for—

Did I really write 1800 words just for this? Yes. Yes I did.

If Hijikata really meant so much to him, then does that mean Gintoki would have tried to erase himself from Hijikata’s world for his sake, too? Gintoki doesn’t think so, but that’s after everything that has happened so far. Who’s to say he wouldn’t do it if their positions really were reversed at the beginning of the story? They both know that, because they both hold on so dearly to the same beliefs, the same pride.

That led to Gintoki throwing the question back at Hijikata—does that mean Hijikata would fall in love with Gintoki again even without his memories, just like Gintoki did? In asking this, Gintoki was telling Hijikata that, even if he were to do the same, deep down, he would still want Hijikata to fall in love with him again. And that’s when Hijikata realised—it was the same for him, too.

At that point, the two of them came to the same conclusion—neither of them can live without the other anymore. Yet, even if their positions were reversed, they would still have done the same. And even if that were to happen, they would still arrive at this same conclusion. They both love the other too much to let go; yet, they both love the other so much that they’d be willing to let go. Now that they both know this, their bond has become truly unbreakable.

Hijikata’s reply was therefore an affirmation—

“Even so, you’d have done the same. Even so, I’ll still fall in love with you.”

That’s just the way both of them are.

And so, at the end of the story, we now have Gintoki who wants Hijikata to know just how much he loves him (maybe becoming more possessive in the process?), and Hijikata who now knows just how much Gintoki loves him, and has come to forgive himself for loving him. Their relationship is one full of contradictions, yet no matter what happens, they will both find their way back to the place where they belong—in (or should I say on?) each other’s arms.

Look at the how much love there is in Hijikata’s eyes just LOOK AT IT AAAAA

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Makkura is one of my top Ginhiji doujins of all time! I really really hope that my translation managed to do it justice, and I hope my ramblings were coherent enough TvT

If you’ve managed to read this far, do give Makkura a reread and you just might see it in a different light ;) Of course, my interpretation might be different from what Syaku intended to present, so feel free to come up with your own interpretations as well!

Also, halfway through writing this I found an analysis by @mugimarumaru over in the MRM comments section, so do check it out as well :>

Thank you for coming to my TED talk and hope you have a nice day~

(I wish I’d put in this much effort in my college essays)

- JJ

(P.S. The REAL question here: if their roles were reversed would that make it a Hijigin book 🤔🤔🤔)

#ask #syaku #meta

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ingek73 · 4 years ago

Text

The Curious Case of William’s Care for Harry

By Irene May 15, 2020 24 Comments

The Curious Case of William's Care for Harry

The Curious Case of William’s Care for Harry. There is not a day that passes without the British and Royal press blasting some headline about Prince Harry or Duchess Meghan, which news supposedly came to them via a well-placed source or a “friend”. Never mind that Harry and Meghan categorically stated that no one in the palace, or any royal source, well-place or whatever speaks for them. You see, since Harry and Meghan formally stepped back from their roles, there has been this insidious strategy to strip Harry of his agency and autonomy as a fully formed and accomplished human. Why would this be necessary? I think it’s a two-pronged aim.

First, it is obvious that despite the abundance of documentary evidence about Harry’s own feelings about remaining within the institution of the monarchy- ones that pre-date his meeting his wife- and since then, just the wretched way in which the media, some in the country and his royal family have treated him and his wife, the media and its puppet masters are trying. Trying to get us to take our thinking caps off and believe that Meghan alone informed their decision to step back. In the face of all logic and reasoned consideration, the powers that be are desperate to persuade us that Meghan is the big bad wolf. It would appear she’s the thing they fear or are threatened by the most, judging by how hard they try. Her power!

Harry dreamed of leaving Royal Family

Harry always wanted to leave Royal Family

Secondly, If indeed Harry didn’t know better and has been supposedly led astray by Meghan, then that leave a helpless Harry in your mind right? Does that sound familiar? “Harry is lonely in Canada”, now “ Harry is lonely in LA”, “ Harry feels out of sorts in LA”, “ Harry misses the UK”, “Harry misses his friends back home” and all that jazz. Poor Harry, you’re being led to think. What would they ever do about poor Harry? I have an idea.

Apparently there is a person who by birth is the second in line to the British throne. For whatever reason, he has been incapable of taking that birthright and his own God-given talents to create a profile for himself, outside of some tangent to his younger brother who is sixth in line to the throne. It’s been the unending refrain since their childhood. Look how responsible William is compared to Harry, or he’s smarter, he’s more traditional, he’s more dutiful, he has more hair… oh wait that wasn’t one of them, but you get the point.

Operation reclaim the spotlight is being resuscitated after an attenuated response to all previous iterations. It seems the role of future king and the business of preparing for kingship( if I hear this one more time…) is not enough to capture the spotlight, so the hunt for the shiniest new medal is on. I give you the embryonic stages of “benevolent future king”. The one who reached out and extended a hand to poor lonely Harry. Take note of the very recent headlines: “William is in touch with Harry” and the latest “Prince William writes letter to Princess Diana Charity from ‘my brother and I’” or “ Prince William Shouts out Prince Harry in Letter to Princess Diana Organization”. What the h-e-double hockey stick? I’m sure Prince Harry was dying for a shout-out like the air he breathes.

This is where I get off my detour back onto the main road. William cares about only William. And that’s what this not so cleverly disguised propaganda is about. Don’t forget that, it is this same William “who dropped Harry like a ton of hot bricks”, and who was reportedly “tired of holding his brother’s hand” during the feverish coverage of Harry and Meghan’s announcing they were to step back.

The timing is also curious because, Prince Harry has been receiving A LOT of great global coverage about his work with Well Child, the Netflix-Thomas The Tank project, Invictus, and recently his support of vets through the Guinea Pig club and CASEVAC club. And may I add, it’s coverage that has not been filtered through the refractive lens of the royal press. So like clockwork, here comes tag-along K to do what he does best, trying to get up the coconut tree. Don’t be deceived, all these weird stories about Harry missing his family, the UK, and XYZ have been laying the ground work for William to not only be inserted into this positive news cycle, but also for him to emerge as a magnanimous figure.

Nice try. This latest round of PR is dead on arrival, because no one is buying what they’re selling. We haven’t forgotten that it is this same brother, who sent his media attack dogs after Harry’s wife in particular, as a way of diminishing their popularity. If you don’t believe me, take it up with Tim Shipman. And while the media went after Meghan and stoked the most negative sentiment against her, this same brother, the principal at Kensington Palace, who is reported to be an anti-bullying advocate and even presided over a failed anti-cyberbullying initiative yet did not avail his digital media resources to sanitize their Instagram feed of the most vile, vitriolic, threatening and at times outright racist commentary about his pregnant sister-in-law. It’s because this team was working overtime deleting comments and blocking posters whose comments were deemed as infringing on his “human rights”. Okay!

It wasn’t even a year ago that, when Harry and Meghan were called every name in the book for traveling on a private jet( something all royals do and are defended for it), his brother tagged along that media cycle to pour salt onto Harry’s wounds. The night before their trip, last minute flight arrangements were made with the now bankrupt budget airline, FLYBE on behalf of William and family to travel to Scotland. He was cast as the responsible and eco-conscious future king for supposedly flying budget. Naturally, the royal rota were swift to his defense, when questions about the convenience of said budget flight were raised.

Naturally, like everything hatched in the dark, that publicity stunt unraveled when a report from the Scotsman uncovered, the last minute arrangements and the lengths the airline went, to position an aircraft for the auspicious royal flying act.

Fast forward to the next media storm around Harry and Meghan- The Southern African Tour documentary. As is customary with the British press’ dealings with Harry and Meghan, they always find the most negative slant and this time, the consensus was to portray Harry as “ mentally unstable” or “vulnerable”. Of course brother, the mental health advocate, did not miss the opportunity to enter the news cycle with his own label, Fragile. Why not ? Mental health advocacy and stigmatization go hand in hand right? The Curious Case of William’s Care for Harry!

William insults Harry and Meghan

William calls Harry fragile

My point is that, every time William has had occasion to be linked to Harry in a news item, it’s usually designed for his benefit. Whether it is a negative story or a positive one, Harry always gets the short end of the stick, so that William can smell like roses. This time is no different. Everything Williams’s actions have shown us does not track with this new narrative, except the part where there is a potential for good press. It is always selfish. They are brothers, and if they decide to smooth their differences, great. I however doubt that any genuine and well intentioned effort will be cataloged in the news. If for nothing, to protect that precious relationship you’re trying to rebuild.

So to the propaganda hacks, I say try another. Harry misses his UK friends? Are these the same ones the media hacks told us that Harry no longer hung out with because, you guessed it- Meghan had chased them away? And now he’s missed his family, the same ones who said they did not support him and his wife, and had moved to distance themselves?

The royal rift - The royal family not speaking to the Sussexes

William distances himself from the Sussexes

The same family which the media told us Harry and Meghan are no longer part of its inner circle? And this was all while they still lived in the UK. The very ones who couldn’t manage polite pleasantries at the last Commonwealth day service. Give me a freaking break! I think Harry is just fine in LA. And his brother could care less. He just wants you to think otherwise.

Nothing new under the sun. Just the tired old alliance whose enterprise is money-making on one hand and profile building on the other.

Silvester McMonkey McBean might think “you can’t teach a sneetch”.

I say, not so fast. “When people show you who they are, believe them”.

Dr. Seuss and Dr. Maya Angelou. Over and out.

(I could not post all pictures becaus of the photo limit but they are inthe article linked below)

#prince william #prince harry #duke of cambridge #duke of sussex #royals #meghanpedia

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jamaisjoons · 4 years ago

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hi, ive read anyone's posts and from what i see everyone is hurt. i see there's a misunderstanding about how statements constructions are being worded. i assume that english is not everyone's first language no? it's understandable that feelings can come across as apathetic because english language lacks words that describes proper adverbs/adjectives. however anyone just justifies their hurt feelings. i admit that apology sounded like a damage control. it's just reni, moon and audge i believe +

+ ur other admins shouldn’t have jumped in like that because it added to the burn, it feels like ur admins r ganging up on moon and audge just bc they didn’t accept the apology (pls correct me if im wrong) and they have every right to do so. i know that u and ur admins r coming to defend reni in a place of love, but this is not ur battle to pick. please clear this out, don’t just leave things without closure. let us leave cancel culture and allow everyone to grow. give the benefit of the doubt. + im sorry if this came across like a hate message but i genuinely want to have them reconciled. i adore each and every authors involved in these. i do believe that all of you are a good person and this is just a misunderstanding.

———–

Okay so I know I said I wouldn’t post anything more about it, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough in my original post so I’ll respond to this and this only. And the only reason I’m doing so is to clarify what I said and nothing else. Again, these are my feelings and you literally don’t have to read them if you don’t want or even agree with them. Hell, choose to ignore them if you want too.

Also, tw, but there are brief mentions of a panic attack here.

So, like, I never said their feelings weren’t justified and if you read my post, I actually outright state that Moon and Audge’s feelings are completely acceptable and 100% valid. More than that I also say that if they don’t want to accept their apology, they don’t have to because really no one who has been hurt has to ever accept an apology and I’ll firmly stand by that. Even if Reni and Jane’s apology was made sincerely, under no circumstances are they actually obligated to accept it and that’s okay!! They don’t have to at all! So no, I’m not mad or ‘ganging up’ on them because they didn’t accept the apology — especially when, again, I clearly say in my post that they don’t have to.

What I am mad about is this has somehow become less about the fact that Reni and Jane made an honest mistake and tried their hardest to correct it and somehow more about the fact that Reni has opinions about BTS and that she’s ‘bashing’ on them when she isn’t and that the MSN admins are all bad people when they aren’t. If it was honestly only about the fact that Moon and Audge were upset by the conversation about weight, there was literally no reason for Moon to post a conversation about musical opinions - that too not even a full conversation but certain screenshots that make it look (to me) like it was just Reni participating and saying inflammatory comments about their music. Again, in my post, I link to a document with almost the entire conversation (parts were deleted due to safewording).

Like I mentioned, you don’t need to agree with what Reni or Cris or Lillia say (I don’t) but there are literally 0 reasons to be offended by it either because a) it happened in a private conversation where BTS wouldn’t ever see it in the first place and b) THEY’RE OPINIONS. NO ONE HAS TO AGREE WITH THEM AND THEY’RE NOT ABOUT YOU PERSONALLY. If this was literally just about the apology and the conversation about weight, I wouldn’t have even gotten involved in the first place really, because again, like I said, I don’t believe the conversation that happened was appropriate, I think Moon and Audge’s feelings of hurt are valid on it, and I don’t think they have to accept an apology if they don’t want to. Except it’s not just about that anymore.

But also, I didn’t jump in because I’m an admin lmfao and neither did Sora. This doesn’t have anything to do with the FWL and everything to do with the fact that Reni, Jane, Bette and Emma are my friends, and as my friends, I’m obviously not just going to sit by and let people hate them for no reason.

I spoke because firstly) when Moon and Audge made this public by posting, they opened it up to the entirety of Tumblr which means anyone can comment on it. It’s not fair that you’re asking Sora and I or any of Reni, Jane, Emma or Bette’s friends to stay out of it when it’s now become a public matter with a bunch of other people commenting on it too - and also actively sending my friends hate and harassing them for a mistake that they’re honestly apologetic about.

Secondly) whether I choose to get involved or not is of my own volition and as I said in my post, they’re my personal feelings and in no way did anyone had to agree with them. Hell, you don’t even have to read them if you don’t want because they’re all under a read more cut anyway. Anyone can literally choose to scroll past the posts and stay out of it if they want to.

Thirdly) I don’t think it’s fair for you to assume their apology was damage control when it wasn’t. I was actually speaking to Reni and Jane while the situation was happening - not afterwards - while. And I know from personal experience that they’re honestly really upset about it. Hell, (tw: panic attack) I had to calm Reni down from a panic attack because she was that upset she let something like this happen (end of tw). But again, those are your opinions and these are mine, so if you think it sounds like damage control fair enough and you’re entitled to it.

Fourthly) I literally have nothing against Moon and Audge personally, I just think they chose to handle this incredibly poorly (then again, it’s their blog and they’re entitled to post whatever they want, but also they, and anyone else, shouldn’t really be surprised when it becomes a huge thing and other people get involved) but I don’t hate them or anything myself and I don’t think anyone should. Just as I don’t think anyone should be hating Reni, Bette, Jane or Emma. Cancel culture is stupid on either side, especially when no one is reading all posts (and why I linked every post involved in the first place), making baseless assumptions without all the information, and when everyone’s feelings who are involved with this situation are completely valid.

I agree that it’s a misunderstanding and honestly I really just want to see it end myself but honestly, when you post something like this on tumblr publicly, I don’t know what else anyone expects than a bunch of useless drama that’s only going to be inflamed more and more by people getting involved without having the whole story. Though, I really hope it dies soon, and it’s definitely dead on my blog from after this ask.

Lmfao I’m going to end this with I’m sorry if it comes off really harsh, I don’t mean to and I’m not mad or angry at you for sending me this ask at all. It’s just really frustrating to see my friends getting put through the wringer and being harassed for something that’s an honest mistake, and for things they shouldn’t be harassed by in the first place (Reni’s opinions on BTS and their music). Reni, Jane, Emma and Bette aren’t bad people, they’re lovely human beings and I’m so glad I’m friends with them and I just hate seeing them hurt like this with people thinking the worst of them just because of one mistake that was never intentionally malicious in the first place (and yet everyone seems to think that it was). Again this is all I’m going to say on this but I really am going to move on. We literally have so many bigger problems to face right now and the fact that we’re wasting our time on this is honestly ridiculous imo.

#chimney discourse #i'm using janie's tags here ᵘʷᵘ #the nameless #asks

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jasmine-flowered · 5 years ago

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I am from Georgia, so it annoys me so much: the cross on Felixs sweater was the bolnisi cross and the designer was Demna Gvasalia, it was from a collection called the SS19 collection which was inspired by his refugee past. On the sweater you can literally read georgian writing "ერთსულოვნება არხი" on it, which roughly translated to "Lord have mercy on us". So no. It is not an iron cross. Please people, educate yourselves and don't believe everything clickbait media writes. Just google this.

This is a long, long post, so buckle up!

From another anon: Just want to clarify some things about pewdiepie. His recent video wasn’t racist, at least in my eyes. He didn’t make fun of anyone for having coronavirus, all he did was say “corona-chan” or something. His wife’s dog is not named Benito. His wife’s PARENTS named their dog that. Why blame Marzia for something she didn’t even do? Also I’m pretty sure him paying people to do that horrible stuff was to see how far people would go for cash. ALSO what he wore was not mean to be an iron cross. It’s a very significant symbol in fashion for the country of Georgia, and the Nazis stole it. That’s like saying anyone with that Buddhist symbol is a nazi just because they stole that too and turned it into the swastika

From yet another anon: You guys do realize pdp recommended the “Nazis” channel because of an anime review right? That was the only content he watched. The “nazi” things were some - admittetly- bad jokes the guy had on one of his OTHER channels and on his videos from 2 years ago. He also shouted out over 20 other channels that were completely harmless. Like, okay, I get not forgiving him for the shit he has done, but I wish people would do their research for once instead of believing everything tumblr says.

From even another anon: Just a few things about PDP that I want to clear up. First the “Iron cross” he did not wear a Nazi symbol he wore a shirt with a georgian bolnisi cross by a Georgian designer named Demna Gvasalia. People often mistaken it as a Nazi symbol. Secondly the channel shoutout he didn’t go through that creators channel to see if he had any Nazi content all Felix did was talk about that guy who made a video essay of the anime Death Note (I think that was the anime) that was all Felix watched. 1/2 While it was lack of judgement PDP didn’t mean to promote someone with videos from long ago that had Nazi content and so PDP deleted the link to that person’s channel and edited out the parts where PDP was talking about him. Thirdly the origins of Maya I don’t know where Marzia got Maya’s name from I assumed it’s just a girls name considering Maya is a girl. However I do know Edgar is named after the poet EDGAR Allen Poe. That’s all I’ll say for now. 2/2

Another one: I don’t see how a dog marzias parents named is having anything to do with pdp

Another one: Just a precisation…Since I read one of your previous asks about Pewdiepie. Now, I don’t like the guy. I was used to, but now his content is not appealing anymore…He wasn’t wearing a nazi cross. That is a notorious clothing brand and that is a Bolnisi Cross, a national symbol of Georgia. His dog’s name is Edgar. From Edgar Allan Poe and not from Benito Mussolini. The promoted nazi youtuber was a random guy who was doing anime reviews. He didn’t check, but one can’t blame him for this… ..The corona virus joke was about his recent trip in Japan and he was telling his experience about it with and about all the panic because of it. (it was a bad joke? Sure.). The ones on his twitter are nazi people who followed HIM after the shooting thing. Not vice-versa. He stated he do not condone nor agrees with anything those people do in both a video AND on twitter. This guy messed up in past and his jokes are stupid. No doubts about it. But some of these “proofs” were incorrect facts.

Alright! Now that we’ve gotten everything on the table, I’m going address things by each point, the way the original anon did. I’ll use their original words too so it’s simpler to follow.

- paid men to hold up a sign that said death to all Jews: This was to see how far the people on Fiver would go for just five dollars. It was an insensitive joke, and a better one could’ve been made, but Felix likes to brand himself on edgy humor. He wanted to do something that no one would ever conceivably say for five bucks. However, the point still stands. There were better jokes. This was, as the kids say, “not it, chief.”

- paid a man dressed as Jesus to say Hitler did nothing wrong: see previous statement. Again, I understand what he was trying to do, but the way he went about it could’ve been handled better.

- has put Nazi footage in his videos a lot: Sources? No one talked about this in the asks. I’d love to see the videos.

- promoted a fascist author as his favorite author: Sources? No one talked about this in the asks. I’d love to see what you’re talking about.

- worn an iron cross (Nazi symbol): This is the one that’s the most strongly contested. From my understanding, and from what I found on the internet, “The Iron Cross is a famous German military medal dating back to the 19th century. During the 1930s, the Nazi regime in Germany superimposed a swastika on the traditional medal, turning it into a Nazi symbol.” So originally it was not a Nazi symbol. From the anons here, and I’ll use the words of the first anon, “the cross on Felixs sweater was the bolnisi cross and the designer was Demna Gvasalia, it was from a collection called the SS19 collection which was inspired by his refugee past. On the sweater you can literally read georgian writing “ერთსულოვნება არხი” on it, which roughly translated to “Lord have mercy on us”. This is also the national symbol of Georgia, I believe. Does anyone have a picture of the outfit? That would help clear this up. Otherwise, as usual, it’s a lot of speculation.

- promoted a Nazi’s Youtube channel besides antisemitism: Felix did not do his research. I cannot fault him for that as I retracted my blame on Sean for not researching the developers of Wanking Simulator beforehand (man, sometimes I type out these sentences and I have to think, “what the heck am I even writing right now?”). He promoted a video talking about Death Note, and not the Nazi content. Does anyone know which video this is, so I can make my own conclusions? Apparently it’s been deleted and the link to the person has been taken down, so this is all hearsay. The Nazi stuff was about two years ago, so it’d be difficult to find it amongst the 20 other channels he shouted out.

- just recently made a racist video abt coronavirus: The second anon addresses this, saying the video was not racist. They said he only said something like corona-chan. I’m not sure which video this is from, can anyone tell me? His video titles are very clickbaity and I’m never sure which one is relevant to the discussion.

- literally said the n slur: This I’m going to address. I was super disappointed when I found out he had said this, but I was not surprised. For context for anyone who doesn’t know - PDP, while live-streaming a game, was surprised by someone who I believe was using dirty methods to win. Immediately upon seeing the player, PDP said, “what a f*cking (n-word) with a hard “r” at the end. Needless to say, that’s not acceptable. If Mark or Sean had done that, I would’ve unsubscribed right then and there. However at that point, I was already unsubscribed from PDP. It’s unfortunate that he said that and even more unfortunate that it came to him so easily. I’m glad he apologized, but the harshness of what happened was not lost on me.

- his girlfriends dog is named after mussolini: I believe his parents named the dog. Do we have proof he’s named after Mussolini? Benito is quite the common name.

- followed several known alt-righters and racists on his Twitter: Apparently they follow him because of the one shooter that said “subscribe to PDP” or something along those lines. Please correct me if I’m mistaken in that. It was such a worldwide trend to subscribe and do whatever it took to get him more subs. The shooter should not be contributed to PDP as Felix did not endorse him. I’d like to see PDP take measures to block the alt-righters and racists, however with his fan count, I understand that’s difficult and not always feasible.

And that’s that on that! Feel free to continue the discussion. This was a LOT to work through, but it was interesting to see different perspectives! Thank you all for chipping in your two cents, and if you have sources, don’t hesitate to submit them!

#ask #anon #Pewdiepie discourse #tw racism #tw nazi

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inevitably-johnlocked · 6 years ago

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I feel like a failure. A huge failure. A waste of space. All I see is people doing better than me, being recognised and loved, and here I am, a weird nobody noone wants... I'm not unique in that experience, I am not the centre of the universe, I know... I just feel so isolated and invisible and worthless it hurts... And I have tried. I am trying. It just never seems to matter to anyone at all... eg. if I left the fandom, if I deleted my fics, noone would miss them, or me... or even notice...

Hi Nonny *hugs*

Before I begin, I need to tell you that I love you, and you are not a failure, nor a waste of space, and you will be missed. I know this because that’s how I feel about you, even if I don’t know you, or if we haven’t talked before. There’s only one of you in this world, and I’d say that makes you pretty darned unique! I can’t find another one of you anywhere!

Secondly, my standard disclaimer: I’m not a professional, so take my following words with a grain of salt. I am simply a shoulder to cry on who offers personal stories to help soothe souls, so I hope my words bring you a bit of comfort.

So, I can relate SO MUCH with this ask. I feel like I try and try and I can’t get ahead, and I feel like I’m unliked and unloved in my real life since I can’t seem to make friends or meet an s/o, and in turn it leaves me with a sense of frustration, self-loathing, and loneliness. It’s a very heavy feeling, one that grows worse if you have S.A.D. / reverse S.A.D. or self esteem issues and it makes you think that you’re not good enough for literally anything. I’m here to tell you that sometimes our inner demons are louder than we can sometimes bear (depression cw under link), and at that point, you may need to consider professional advice (suicidal ideation / depression cw/tw under link). Have a talk with your family physician if you think you may need therapy, or if a life itself is feeling like a burden to you.

Another thought I had while reading your ask is that you might be experiencing Imposter Syndrome (which is something I did a panel on at 221b Con last year), and it’s very common amongst creative-types. Essentially, it’s the feeling that you describe almost exactly in your ask:

Impostor syndrome […] is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be. [x]

It’s also used to describe when you do stuff and you think that you’re never going to achieve your perceived goal, which constantly changes based on what you’re doing (essentially, you keep moving your personal goalpost so much that you never reach a satisfying end). In our panel we talked about how we can overcome such creative pitfalls as this, and if I recall correctly we discussed amongst ourselves that we need to learn to NOT have these perceived goals, and to accept the praise and support our family and friends offer to us. A year and many advice asks later, I’m also going to add to it that you need to not necessarily get rid of your goals, but learn to celebrate the small achievements. Doing this helps rid the negative thought cycle that we creatives tend to get ourselves into. It’s not a quick solution, but if you have the patience to let yourself try this instead, eventually you can come to a point where you’re happy to do your creative work for yourself, and to see small things (ie. you posted a new story!! THAT’S AMAZING!!!) as a success!

As for your creative work, let me tell you these two things that took far too long for me to accept and understand: 1) work is more enjoyable if you do it for yourself and not expect to get anything out of it, and 2) even with that in mind, every single thing any of us posts, either here or on Ao3, you will have at least ONE kudos or like or positive comment or hit count. In turn, that one person will miss you if you stop writing or drawing.

Many people are too shy to interact with authors, bloggers, and artists, and instead lurk and admire from afar. As a creative myself (and as one of my followers who recently contacted me after a long while of lurking can attest to), when that ONE person finally is brave enough to express their gratitude for your work, it’s humbling and overwhelming to know someone would miss me if I left the platform. And really, Lovely, it SUCKS that we creatives don’t often get the comments that our souls feed on, but KNOW with certainty that at least ONE person out there loves your stuff and your work. Honestly, like, it’s sort of how I came to terms with the fact that I’ll probably never “make it” with my art here and in real life. When I shook off the stress of doing it for others and just enjoying the craft because I like doing it, even when I only get a few likes on something now, it makes me feel good knowing at least ONE person likes my stuff. It took a long time to get to that point, but really, it makes the imposter syndrome a bit easier for me to cope with.

THAT ALL SAID, Nonny, I know I probably didn’t really help you out much here, given this entire ask is mostly all just personal anecdotes, but I’m very VERY serious Nonny when I say that I LOVE YOU, and I APPRECIATE YOU and what you have contributed to the fandom. Smaller, lesser known creatives don’t hear that enough, and I’m here to tell you that 1 bajillion times:

for every time you feel like you aren’t “worth anything”: bollocks! I think you’re worth the moon and stars!

for every time you have a negative thought in your head, know that I am here for you to offer you my hugs and love and help you banish them!

for every time you’re lonely, I am here for you to talk to!

and, for every time when you want some help promoting your work, when you’re ready, please do NOT hesitate to submit it to me, and I will promote it as much as you need me to, because I support our smaller, lesser-known creators!

I’m sorry that I can’t really do more for you, Lovely. My heart has hurt for you the entire time I wrote this, so I really hope that you’ll at least reach out to either me, or if I intimidate you for some reason (I found out a couple days ago I intimidate people LOL! there’s hundreds of other smaller blogs who would love to help you feel better. Please take care of yourself Nonny, and please, I need to stress again, that if what you’re feeling is an ongoing constant thing, if you feel like the world is better off without you (it’s not!!), to please seek a professional, who can at least help you talk through your feelings.

I love you Nonny

If anyone has some stuff to add to this, or if I erred in some way, please feel free to comment!

#steph replies #my advice #imposter syndrome #fandom love #self esteem #insecurity #i love you nonny #Anonymous

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pebblysand · 4 years ago

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Author Interview Tag

Author Interview Game

Thank you sooooo much for the tag @tessiete this has actually made my day! I fucking love writing about writing (bit self-indulgent, I know) and reading other people’s writing about writing and oh, god, I’m so excited!!

Name: pebblysand

Fandoms: from beginning to end - Without A Trace, House, Spooks/MI:5, The Good Wife, Silk, Harry Potter (although, technically, that was probably the first one - my mum’s best friend said she had to read HP because from age 6 to age 10 it was all I ever consented to talk about).

Where you post: AO3 and FF.

Behind the cut cause this post is loooong.

Most popular multichap:

(Full disclosure, I’ve only ever written two multichaps, both happen to be listed here)

AO3: Children (Silk)

My baby. My love. On and off, between writing, first posting, then editing and reposting - 2.5 years of work. It is a ridiculously niche fandom but sure look, I’m so proud of it. I’d always thought I was a one-shot kind of girl, that I was incapable of writing and framing a long-form story, and yet, here I am. I am madly proud of this.

FF: Castles (Harry Potter)

Sheer force of numbers, here, to be honest. It’s only two chapters in, and already two kudos short of overpowering Children on AO3, which I’m guessing will make it most popular across the board, just because the fandom itself is so large.

I will say this: I’ve had this story in my head for years and I think part of the reason why I’m only writing it now is that after years of writing in nice, niche fandoms where you could easily read all the fics available in a few days and make friends with readers because everyone kind of knew each other, I finally have the backbone to face the Potter fandom. Because fuck, as much as I love the books and have gotten absolutely lovely, thoughtful comments on this throughout the past few weeks, God can that fandom be brutal.

And, don’t get me wrong: I’ve had constructive criticism on a number of my fics in the past, including very niche ones. Even if it does sometimes hurt a bit, it’s always helped me better my writing. I remember for instance one chapter of Children where someone wrote in that they were confused and couldn’t follow the narrative. I was a bit annoyed at first but in the end, it made me rethink the chapter and rewrite it, and they were 100% correct. That’s the whole point of constructive criticism/debates in comments.

The Potter fandom has that, no doubt. I’ve had super interesting discussions in comments and overall the response and feedback has been incredible, like I’ve never even dreamt of before. This being said, I’ve also gotten more shit than I’ve had in any other fandom. For instance: the story picks up after the war (starts in May 1998). The summary reads: “To him, the spring of '98 is about sex and funerals.” - which is a line taken from the fic itself. When you labour over something for hours on end and the first comment you get is: “first learn when spring season starts and ends before writing a story about it. what a joke.” it’s a bit disheartening, to say the least.

And, I know. First of all, yes, that person is an idiot and clearly doesn’t know when spring ends and summer starts themselves because summer only technically starts on the 21st of June. Secondly, even if I’d gotten it wrong, I didn’t write a story about the seasons, you idiot. It’s clearly a line taken from the story. Lastly, learn how to punctuate and spell. Now, I’m 27. I know that. I can disregard that. But even then it still feels like shit. If I’d gotten that kind of trolling when I was younger, I’m not sure I’d still be writing today. I really admire younger writers who start out on Potter - I was very afraid until now, tbh.

Favorite story you’ve written:

This, I really don’t know. I was trying to pick one but I think my favourite one is almost always the one I’ve either just written or am writing now. For a long time, I really loved Once. I also really liked Daisies and Dreams. I obviously love Children although I think I’ve spent so much time writing and editing it that it’ll take a bit of time for me to really appreciate it without also self-editing in my head, if that makes sense.

Right now, though, I love Castles. I think it’s the best piece of writing I’ve ever written. When the next one comes around, I hope that’s the best piece of writing I’ve ever written. That means progress.

Fic you were nervous to post:

Castles for reasons explained above. I love HP but I don’t think big fandoms in general are my thing. I like decent-sized fandoms. Like, TGW-size, back in the day, was perfect. Even as a reader, it’s also fucking hard to find good fic due to the sheer mass of stuff out there. Where do you even start?

How you choose your titles:

Castles, Children, Daisies, Truth, Mistakes, Dreams, Before, Once, Cannonballs - hello, do you detect a pattern here :D?

Jokes aside, yeah, I like one-word titles. Believe it or not, though, it hadn’t occurred to me that I always seemed to gravitate towards them until @orbythesea on AO3 pointed it out to me. To be honest, even the fics that don’t materially have one-word titles have one-word titles in my head. Like, Horses Made of Sticks is actually just Horses, in my head. I should probably have called it Horses.

How do I choose? Depends. Sometimes, they come from songs (Castles, Children, Daisies). Sometimes, it’s quotes, concepts from the show/book, or sometimes it just fits. Like, Once, Dreams and Truth couldn’t really have been called anything else, they’re just what the fics are about.

Do you outline?

Yes, always. For one-shots, I usually have an outline on my phone or part of the word file I’m writing the fic in itself, just a list of scenes or quotes that come to me at random points during the day that I will forget if I don’t write them down. I am very forgetful of my own brilliance hahaha.

For longer stuff, I usually have the general plot in my head from beginning to end before I start writing. Then, chapter by chapter, I plan with a blank A4 sheet of papers that I fill with post-its describing different scenes, a little bit like a paper version of those boards they have in writers’ rooms. It helps me physically see where scenes fall, where holes are. I do the same thing for original fiction.

For reference, one for Children (chapter 9) would have looked like that. They’re definitely not set in stone, though. Lots of times I’ll change stuff on the spot, big or small. Scenes that pop up randomly or get deleted because they worked in my head but not on paper, sometimes moved (sometimes moved to other chapters even). Here, “Alice” later became “Charlotte” and that “eye-fucking” (LOL) scene never happened.

Complete:

I think they’re all complete? I never completed that alphabet-based collection of House one-shots but it was a collection and they were shite anyways. They’re not missed, lol.

Of course, Castles is incomplete, but that’s just my current WIP.

In progress:

As I said, Castles. Also a piece of original fiction that I’m not sure where to post. Like, what do people do with short stories? Where do you post that shit online? Can anyone help?

Coming soon/not yet started:

No idea. I’m a one-project-at-a-time kind of gal.

Prompts:

I love prompts. Send me all the prompts. Especially three-sentence-story prompts. God, I miss those.

Upcoming Work You’re Most Excited About:

I mean, again, Castles.

No pressure tags: I have no one to tag because I’m not really in fandom anymore but if anyone sees this and wants to do this, please be my guest. Again, I love reading about other people’s writing and writing processes because we’re all different and it’s fascinating.

Also, if anybody’s got theories about ff v. AO3 tastes and readership, hit me up, I could speculate for hours.

And thanks again @tessiete for tagging me

#writing #fanfiction #the good wife #Harry Potter #Harry Potter fic #ao3 #ffnet #theories #writing about writing #stuff #very long pointless posts

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poipoi1912 · 7 years ago

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More 19x01 Thoughts

I just wanted to respond to some of your comments on my premiere post (thanks so much for reading that, by the way! You can find it here.)

But first, let me talk about the Sonny/Fin deleted scene (posted here).

Fin and Sonny

I LOVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS.

When we first saw that Fin/Sonny pic at the bar, I assumed it was part of a stakeout scene or something to that effect. I didn't dare hope that Fin would actually ask Sonny out for a drink to pick his brain! That was better than anything I could have imagined, because yet again the show acknowledged Sonny's identity as a lawyer, but this time it wasn't in annoyance, like we usually see (e.g. the Rollins scene). This time, another cop actually reached out to Sonny for legal advice! That's a perfect use of a character like Sonny. The others can go to him with questions on matters Barba should be left out of, if only for reasons of plausible deniability. Sonny is a cop, still, so he's on their side (up to a point, because again we saw how strongly he felt about upholding international law), so it’s easier to go to him.

And it wasn't just the setting of the scene. It was also the humor, and the lovely camaraderie between Sonny and Fin (a rather underdeveloped dynamic, even though their team-ups have given us some standout moments in the past few seasons). We got so many good jokes, with both of them landing some decent jabs. Truly, if this episode had one single thing going for it, it was good dialogue. These one-on-one scenes, they can so easily be ruined by bad, out of character or stilted dialogue, despite the best efforts of the cast. Instead, this scene came to life.

And there was a balance, too. Fin joked about Sonny's legal knowledge (or lack thereof), but Sonny teased back (about the Cuba thing, as if he didn’t know, lol) while holding his own and defending both the law and his position as a cop-slash-lawyer. They were on equal ground as characters, as friends, even, and the warm (and hilarious) ending painted both of them in such a positive light. Fin was buying the drinks, Sonny sassed him about being on retainer, and Fin came back with that perfect line about attorney-client privilege. That showed they both knew what this was, and they’re close enough to joke about it, and they trust each other enough to keep it to themselves.

Sonny and the Law, Vol. 2

But we also got Sonny characterization! Fin asked about his law license (and I'm glad he at least remembers Sonny passed the bar, lol) and Sonny very pointedly said it was "gathering dust." Sonny didn't sound particularly happy, even if he wasn't 100% regretful. That line reading, it was just wistful enough to let us know that Sonny is torn between the two careers, and his constant nagging about the law was enough to remind us that Sonny is more than just another cop, but the show didn't beat us over the head with his dilemma. Instead, we got a more subtle way of conveying Sonny's potential dissatisfaction.

I can't wait to see more about that. I'm even a little more excited for the new ADA's arrival, because now I'm curious to see how Sonny might react to him and his more harsh (I assume) approach. So many possibilities!

Squad Thoughts

Despite the fact this scene was deleted (like all the best scenes are, like the Barisi scene from Depravity Standard, or that Rollaro elevator scene, or the Barba mentioning Hamilton scene, etc etc), the new showrunner truly seems to want to cultivate stronger interpersonal relationships between all the characters. In the premiere alone we got Liv/Amanda, Liv/Barba, Liv/Fin, Barba/Fin, Sonny/Amanda, Sonny/Fin, and I'm hoping we get more and more iterations as the season advances.

Your Thoughts

@avenuepotter said:

ALWAYS love your analyses. I lost myself in a crazy chuckle when I read this part: Fin - rule breaker, fashionable (lol), has negative fucks to give. Can’t wait for next week.

First of all, thank you so much, and I always love reading your thoughts as well! Secondly, after watching the aforementioned deleted scene, it appears that Fin just might give the tiniest of fucks, since he wanted to check with Sonny to make sure the guy wouldn't walk. While still being a rule-breaker and fashionable, of course.

I loved that touch. It's more characterization than we usually get for Fin, and it put Ice-T's entire performance in the premiere in context. When he grinned and told Liv "I didn't even know it was legal!" his surprise was because he had actually checked, lol! Now I love that moment even more.

@shadowassassin32 said:

Yay you are back!!!! I love reading your analysis of things. It’s always very interesting.

I have a question for you. When Liv confessed to Rafi about the gun thing and asked “What was I thinking?” do you think that she might finally stop putting herself in dangerous situations for Noah’s sake at least? Curious on what your interpretation of that scene was.

Thank you so much, it’s great to see all the regulars back for this season. We're all still here, somehow, and I hope this season will give us more food for thought.

As for your excellent question, I don’t know if Liv's realization will affect her behavior as the season goes on. If I'm being honest, I think this was just a tiny seed planted by the writers which will eventually blossom when the Noah custody issue gets explored. There's a chance Brooke Shields will challenge Liv's adoption (I'm assuming), or, at the very least, there's next week's investigation, and I think Liv might momentarily question her situation, especially if she sees that Noah could possibly live in a "safer" environmentin a different, "normal" home. Which is ridiculous, of course, if not offensive (I hate to see good mothers doubting themselves, though I realize it's part of the deal, lol. A good mother always worries. Plus we did get that great Amanda moment, which served to reassure Liv.)

That said, I think a good mother like Liv just might put herself last, and consider the possibility her child might be "better off" someplace else. I think that's what that scene was about. It's true, it's harder for Liv to risk her life knowing she has a kid at home, but then there are so many cops with kids, and they do their jobs every day, and they go home to the little ones. Then again, Liv's stunt was a little too dangerous and self-destructive. It is certainly possible that she'll realize that she needs to stop doing that. It's one thing to find herself in a dangerous situation (like all cops sometimes do), but to actively seek it out? To show no regard for her own life?

Again, this could potentially be offensive (do mothers need to be more worried than fathers? Would this storyline ever involve a male cop, like, say, Nick?) Also, to quote Brooklyn Nine-Nine:

That said, it was something new, at least. Something we haven’t touched on. Original Recipe Liv used to be way messier and more self-destructive (and I loved her for it), but we never truly saw her struggle with that since becoming a parent. So I’m interested to see where it goes.

@extrovertedsparkle said:

^^^^ YES! I was so grateful for an episode where I couldn’t decide if I liked it or not, and didn’t just hate it outright lol! Some parts were overacted, omg Carla’s husband but I felt it had a really good pace overall and felt like old times, as opposed to the mess that was season 18.

I’m here for the quirk, and the friendship, and the snark of the squad and I cannot wait to see what season 19 has in store for us.

Agreed. I was surprised by how much I didn’t hate it, lol. I sat down to watch it with hesitation, ready to cringe, but I ended up actually liking it. No one knows how the season will play out, but at least this premiere showed potential.

@bensonismymom said:

Yes!!! I’m really glad we have the dynamics back again between characters!!! The scenes with sonny and Amanda / Amanda and Liv / Liv and Fin / Liv and Barba WERE SO GREAT!! I missed having the characters interact with each other again!

Absolutely. I said it many times, the number one mistake made by the writers last season was the loss of the sense of a squad. We do watch the show for the cases (which tbf were also terribly underwritten and repetitive in S18 as well), but mostly we all love the characters. We want to see how the cases affect them, and we also want to see them interacting with each other, as colleagues, and friends, and family. That's the heart of the show. Otherwise it's just any other procedural.

These characters have been so well-drawn, some (like Liv and Fin) for literal decades, and some (like Barba, Sonny and Amanda) for years, and S18 wasted all that history. Season 19 seems to be doing better already, even one episode in. That gives me hope.

Thanks again, for all your comments.

I love you all <33333

#sonny carisi #fin tutuola #olivia benson #svu #law and order svu #episode thoughts #part two #long post #that deleted scene slayed me #and i loved all your comments #let's hope the second episode follows through on what the premiere gave us

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sincerelybluevase · 7 years ago

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So I’ve had some more time to think about the entire incident that happened last Thursday. I’ve decided to put my thoughts down. It is kind of long, so I’ll place it under a cut. These are my thoughts about it. I’ve tried to order them a bit, but I’m afraid they won’t read like a streamlined college essay. Feel free to skip if you are sick of this entire debate.

From a psychological POV, these were an interesting few days. I took time to observe myself, and to entangle the mix of thoughts and emotions I experienced regarding that anonymous ask that pointed out that there were similarities between my fanfics and others. We’re all works in progress, and a bit of time to contemplate what we feel and why is always good.

First off, I’d like to make a bit of a disclaimer. I know a lot of people don’t agree with anon, and have told me so. I really appreciate the kind comments, guys, but I do feel the need to address this issue in a bit more depth, also because I can leave it behind me once I’ve done so. I do not feel like some kind of victim. The anon ask hurt my feelings (which I’ll talk about later), but it’s not as if I’m wallowing in self-pity here. I’m not like those Roman women of old, lying on the floor screaming “Eheu! Me miseram!” whilst beating my breast and tearing out my hair and raking my nails over my face. I do not intend to let this incident put me off writing. Instead, I’d like to turn this entire thing into a lesson to be learned from. What exactly I’ve learned from all of this, I’ll also discuss into more detail later on. I also don’t think that this anon was some kind of troll. In fact, I think they have a bit of a point, though the way they went about bringing it to my attention was, at best, clumsy and thoughtless.

Well, anyway, back to the case. The first thing I felt whilst reading this anon’s ask was shock. I don’t receive a lot of asks, so when I saw I had one that morning, I was pretty excited. I expected it to be an ask on one of those ask posts, or maybe a request for a fic. It was a nasty surprise to read it. I immediately felt ashamed, and guilty, and sad. I don’t want to copy other people’s fics, and the idea that I’d done so without intending to do so was not a nice one. I think you can see this in my answer; it is pretty penitent, and I try to explain why I think it happened, just to show that there was no malicious intent.

I also deleted my Bold Girl (Sometimes) fanfic from ff.net and AO3, because I felt that those works were probably most ‘affected’ by this issue, and I didn’t want people to read them if they were too influenced by other writers. Now, in hindsight, I regret deleting them (they’re still on Tumblr, though). It was a too hasty decision; firstly, because it may have implied that I felt there was a lot of truth to these accusations (which, again in hindsight, I don’t think is the case, though I’m not saying that there’s absolutely no truth to what this anon was trying to point out) and secondly because I was actually pretty proud of those fics (they were my first foray into smut territory, and I think I did get the characterization right+ made some good points about the Turnadette relationship).

Anyway, that ask gave me a shitty day and a shitty night. It made me question my talent as a writer, and my integrity. I’m not a person with a lot of self-confidence, but I did think that my writing was good, or at least had potential. I had started writing fanfic to make sure I actually wrote at all (which, due to crippling self-doubt, was something I had literally not done in years). To be told that it was hardly original was less than ideal. It made me want to stop writing for a day or so, truth be told. This incident also made me realise that I had been rather naïve. When we put art online, whether it is music, or a drawing, or a piece of writing, we inevitably put a little bit of ourselves on display, perhaps without meaning to. Therefore, when those pieces get criticized, it may feel personal. I always need a little time to put emotions to the background when someone criticizes my work, because I have to realise these people are not criticizing me as a person, and probably not even my talent as a writer; they’re simply pointing out flaws in a piece of my work.

It is not as if I had expected to only get positive reviews on my work, but I did not think much about the alternative, either. I’ve never shared my writing with others before, and if I’d put it on the internet, it would only get two notes or something. I was not used to negative reviews, because I was not used to reviews at all. Since I am pretty sensitive, I think I could have done a better job of preparing myself for comments I might not like. After the hurt and shame came anger. I was not angry for someone bringing this issue of similarity to my attention, but I was angry about the way it was done. This ask was sent anonymous, meaning the only way I could respond was by answering it, thus placing it directly on my dashboard. I’d rather this had remained a private thing, but since I don’t even know who this person was, I could only hope they’d see my answer if I placed it on my dashboard. And I do think this was an issue I had to address, especially because it was something I hadn’t realised was happening, and I didn’t want anyone to think otherwise. This did make it an open point for discussion, though. I also feel that the language anon used to get the point across wasn’t very… well, nice. I know the space in an ask is limited, but I’d rather this person had sent me two and taken a bit more care with their wording than this. It is also true that there is no intonation, this being a written message and all. This means that my only clues of interpreting how this person meant it is by looking at their words and what they imply. Now, it is entirely possible I’m reading too much into this, but here we go.

· I think it is somewhat ironic that anon tells me that I’ve been displaying bad fandom manners, when this ask does not show great fandom manners, either (plus it makes me suspicious of everyone and that is hardly nice, because I don’t want to distrust people and I don’t think that is what this anon meant to cause at all).

· Aside from that: by saying ‘Did you ask if you could use their stuff?’ they are implying that the similarities are conscious. They weren’t (assuming they were isn’t very gracious, either, but that’s another matter).

· Now we get to the thing that really bothered me. By saying they are ‘really really similar’ and ending by ‘look forward to more fic from you that’s really your own and not copied from other writers’ anon is not even implying, but directly stating that my fics were not original. I don’t think that is true, and I don’t think that I deserve that.

So, what do I think about the point anon did try to get across?

I started rereading my own fics plus those of the writers mentioned almost feverishly to discover similarities (because gabolange and pellucid did tell me they had noticed little things, and I don’t want that. I want to be an original writer), and I do kind of see where anon is coming from.

· As for scenes: no, I don’t really see that. Fanfic writers have a limited amount of canon they can work with. CtM fanfics often try to fill in the blanks between scenes. The ride to the adoption agency, for example, has been done by many writers. I did some of those ‘common’ scenes, too, and I don’t feel that they are inherently copied. Fanfic is also rife with tropes, as is every art form. I think tropes are a kind of common playground. Say we take the idea that Shelagh and Patrick go on a picnic. That is a trope. It is not wrong for me to use that if, say, kienova already did so. Say she wrote one where Shelagh and Patrick brought wine and strawberries and chocolate with them, and are frolicking in some lonely field, and it ends in steamy sex where Shelagh is covered in chocolate and lets Patrick lick it off. Another writer may write one where Shelagh and Patrick plan a picnic, but the bottle of lemonade breaks and ruins their sandwiches. Then, the car breaks down, and it starts to rain, and in the end they decide to have a picnic in their own living room instead, thus giving the fic a happy ending. Both use the same trope, but their execution is very different. If Kienova wrote the first and inspired me to write the second, would that be copying? I don’t think so. Now, if I read Kienova’s fic and then wrote one where Patrick and Shelagh go and picnic on a hill and decide to have steamy sex involving Shelagh being smothered in whipped cream, that is already a lot more similar, and a whole lot more dubious. In fact, I think anon would have a fair point if they told me it was really really similar, and that I should have asked the author’s permission. But this is also why this ask bothered me so much: I DO feel that I’ve written ‘original’ things, in as far as anything can be called original. My chapter 9 of Lips Touch gave an original twist on the prompt that ‘Doctor T’s car breaks down and Sister B is very upset about it’, I’d say. I think the steamy phone conversation had not been done before, nor was the panic attack trope (credit where credit is due: these were prompts people gave me. I did not come up with the prompts myself, but the way I decided to execute those prompts in my stories was my own), and those are just two examples. I honestly think that some of the fics that are more similar to ones written by the authors mentioned still have original content to them, too.

· As for the language: here, I can see what anon means. I have used certain phrases and images that these other writers also used. Now, here it gets a bit tricky for several reasons. First off: English is my second language. I’m not always aware of an expression not being ‘common ground’. That is not an excuse, but it is a reason for some of the similarities that were not simply two people using a common expression. Second off: I think writers are a bit like magpies; we see something we like, and we take it with us for later use. I don’t always remember where that pretty line came from, or that unusual verb in combination with that noun. Hell, I often don’t even know if it is something I came up with myself, or something I once read. I do know, for example, that Kienova often talks about ‘breath ghosting’. I found that such a great image that I’ve since ‘adopted’ it. I’m using it in my original work a lot too, but you guys don’t get to read that. Is it then wrong for me to also use it in my Turnadette fanfics? I honestly don’t have an answer to that question.

Part of the problem for me is that I read. A LOT. I’ve read 200+ books last year, just to give you an idea. When you read so much, it becomes really hard to keep track of where you got those pretty sentences from (if you even got them from somewhere else, because it is also possible that you came up with something yourself). Thirdly: I think it is a bit hard to say when language becomes copied. Is there such a thing as copyright on language? Obviously you are not supposed to copy entire paragraphs, but what happens if it is only part of a sentence? I think that is a very difficult topic, and a blurry line to draw.

Well, what did I learn from all of this?

· I’m not going to stop writing, guys. I’ve had far too much fun with fanfic, and I still think it is a great way of developing yourself. As you guys might have seen, I’ve also participated in the 5 sentence challenge, and that was great fun.

· I was mainly hurt by the ask because, the way I read it, it did imply that I consciously copied (and that, in turn, seems to apply malicious intent, or a lack of being able to write). That is not the case. There are many reasons for why this ‘copying’ happened (because anon is not just bulshitting). I just wrote too fast and too much in my enthusiasm.

· That being said: I do still feel bad about those similarities. Not to sound arrogant, but I think I’m a good enough writer to be able to write good fics without those. So, I’ll do my best to make sure it won’t happen again. This is going to be hard (because I didn’t know it was happening, for one), but I will try my best.If people have possible ideas on how to achieve this, please let me know.

· I have a very good memory for things I’ve read, apparently. This means I have to take extra care when revising my work to make sure I either generalise things a bit more or use imagery that is my own (as far as I know), thus erasing the influence of other writers.

· Slow down. It is alright to take a long time to write a fic.

· I don’t have to accept every prompt I get. I know that sounds silly, but I’m a pleaser. I loved getting asks, because it showed me that people enjoyed what I’d written so much that they were actually interested in seeing how I handled a certain idea. However, if one person has just written a fic with that same prompt, it may be best to either turn that prompt down, or wait a good while before using it to make sure there are no lingering influences from that other piece of work.

· Also, I think it is a good idea to link to other people’s fics. Say I actually wrote the one about the picnic after reading a fic by Kienova, it is only fair to say where I got my inspiration from. It is also good for the reader, because I’m giving them the link to a piece of writing they might also enjoy and may not have read yet. It’s not as if I’ve never done this before, but promoting other people’s work more is always a great idea.

I do not intend to stop writing. In fact, I think I’ll be back with a new piece fairly soon (after letting it breathe for long enough, of course).

I also don’t want people to feel as if they cannot offer criticism on my work. The only way I can grow as a writer is by getting criticism. However, and I don’t think I am asking something unreasonable here, I would like that criticism to be constructive. Is there a spelling or grammar error? Tell me! Am I using imagery that is plain unfortunate, and of which I’m probably not aware? Tell me! Or is that image something other writers have used before? Tell me; I’m not against people pointing out similarities to me, I’m really not. Do you think this is not the way this character would respond? Again, tell me; we might get into a very interesting and satisfying discussion. So, don’t hesitate to offer valid criticism, but please don’t do it like this anon did.

#personal #again feel free to skip because it is pretty long and probably a bit boring

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coldmagnussprouts · 8 years ago

Text

Paint my nails like one of your french girls (Cole Sprouse x Reader Imagine)

Pairing: Cole Sprouse x Reader

Description: You’re really not a fan of Cole Sprouse but you find yourself waiting for him outside a hotel in Vancouver because you were dragged by your best friend. When you finally get to meet him, he paints your nails and suddenly you’re twitter famous!

Warnings: None

Word count: 9,930

A/N: HI guys! This is my first imagine, I would really appreciate your feedback. And if anyone is interested, I can do a follow up on this story. Also, I am currently writing a fanfic featuring Cole Sprouse x OFC X Dylan Sprouse.

My best friend, who also happened to be my twin brother’s girlfriend offered to pay for my flight and accommodation, in exchange of me tagging along so she can meet her childhood crush, Cole Sprouse. I complied because, do I really have a choice in this situation? Anyway, we’re only staying for 2 nights and then we’ll fly to Quebec to meet my twin brother and parents. They’re celebrating their wedding anniversary there.

I’m not really a fan of Cole or his twin brother or any celebrity in particular. To be honest, I’ve only seen an episode or two of their show ‘sweet life’. And the only reason I got to watch it was because I was over at Bianca’s doing our homework back in 5th grade. Disney or any other channel is not allowed in my home, except Discovery, Nat Geo, Animal Planet and BBC. So growing up, I never really developed an affinity with celebrities.

The girls who were waiting with us outside the hotel, ran frantically near the entrance while screaming their lungs out. So while waiting, I rummaged through my bag and saw a bottle of nail polish. I took it out and to cure my boredom, I decided to paint my nails.

Bianca excitedly grabbed my hand, disrupting my nail painting - causing me to paint across my 3 fingers. Now there’s a goop of nail polish all over my hand. I rolled my eyes so hard, I swear I could see my brain.

I was in the middle of figuring out how to fix my polish when Bianca called my name, waving at me with her phone.

“Y/N! Please help me take a picture with Cole!” Bianca shoved her phone to me, I felt her hands in tremors. With the nail polish bottle on my left hand, I snapped a few photos of her with Cole, not even looking at the screen. I handed the phone back to Bianca and she eagerly browsed through it. I walked behind her still pondering on how to salvage my nails when someone approached me.

“What would you like me to help you with?” came from someone I wasn’t expecting at all. I was quite surprised that when I look up, Cole was right in front of me.

Flustered and absolutely clueless, I replied nonchalantly.

“Uh, you could paint my nails?” I said, but it sounded more like a question.

He grabbed the bottle of nail polish off of me, and held my unpainted hand. He started to paint my nails and blew at them, while he smiled to no one in particular.

Alright, first of I wasn’t really expecting he would. I mean, I was just being polite and maybe a little bit sarcastic. Ironic I know, but verything happened so fast! Next thing I knew the girls formed a circle around us whispering loudly to each other.

“Oh my god, how could I not think of that?“

“She’s good!“

"Cole brush my hair please!”

Suddenly all funny requests were thrown at Cole. He just laughed at them, and when he was finally done he placed the nail polish on my other hand.

“I think I did better than you.” He said when he saw the messy nail paint on my left hand. He stared at me with dreamy eyes and charming smile. I just realized right then and there why these girls are mad about him. He is quite a looker, but most of all, he is genuinely kind.

He then proceeded to smile at the cameras, as I get pushed further to the back by the girls who wanted their turn to take pictures with Cole.

I stepped out of the crowd absolutely dumbfounded. I searched for Bianca and found her chatting up Cole with the rest of the girls.

I walked back to the café at the corner of the hotel and ordered myself an espresso. Man, that was intense and to be honest large crowds freak me out. I decided to sit at the table in the corner while waiting for Bianca.

A couple of minutes passed, I saw Bianca walked in the café, smiling from ear to ear. She sat in front of me and started to show me pictures on her phone.

“I took a video of Cole painting your nails!” She blurted out and pressed play.

First of all, I was never a camera person. Secondly, I specifically hate seeing myself in a photo, because I just look completely awkward. So when Bianca played the video, I saw myself looking utterly horrified with my mouth open, I swear I saw a fly went through. I was totally irked because I couldn’t stomach seeing myself in a photo, even worse a video! I grabbed the phone from Bianca and turned it off.

“Aw Y/N come on now, it’s funny. And you look adorably starstruck!”

“No I wasn’t!”

“Yes, you were.”

“No, I wasn’t. I don’t even know him.”

“Yes you do.”

“Oh god! Bianca, you’ll never stop won’t you? I’m exhausted! We’ve been waiting outside for like 4, 5 hours? Just for a few pictures with your Cody, Cole, whatever?! Are you happy now?” I was frustrated and drained to say the least.

“Of course I am! I finally get to see him!” Bianca screeched, drawing all the attention to us.

I placed my hand above my forehead to cover my face, petrified from the attention people were giving us.

“Shhh! Calm down please. You’re embarrassing the both of us.” I said while I looked around, thankful that the crowd in the café were back to minding their own business.

“Fine, let’s go. And give me back my phone please.”

“Here. You better delete that video you took of me, or I swear!” I warned Bianca.

“Swear what?” She asked in jest.

“I’ll put pillow on your face while you’re sleeping!” I threatened her.

To which she just shrugged, smiling to herself as held my hand while we walked out of the café.

Cole’s POV

I slipped into the cafe just by the corner of the hotel I’m staying at. I actually love seeing my fans, they are one of the reasons why I went back to show business. It’s just inspiring to see that people appreciate what you do. But although I would love to spend more time with them, after 18 hours of straight taping, I really need a coffee break.

I saw “nail polish girl” the moment I entered the café. She was covering her face, looking utterly embarrassed on something her friend said. I made my way to the counter and overheard their conversation. She really stood out from the crowd, maybe because she requested for something no one has ever done before. It’s kind of funny and charming to be honest.

I was thinking of approaching them but hesitated due to the fact that I might draw some attention which kind of defeats the purpose of me being here. So instead I proceeded to order my drink. Curiosity building up in my head, she’s special I guess. Come to think of it, I didn’t even get her name.

Your POV

I headed to the bathroom for a quick shower when we got back to our hotel room. While Bianca was still busy gushing over her photos with Cole.

When I stepped out of the shower I saw Bianca grinning on her phone and I know that face. That conspiring full of intent look on her face. I’ve seen that many times before. And I will find out whatever ploy she’s up to.

My phone started to sound with incoming notifications, like someone’s been spamming me with texts. I for one don’t receive that much texts. Either it’s from my parents, or my twin brother. But I doubt they’re too free to text me that much. I stared at Bianca, completely knowing that this is her own doing.

My eyes widen by the sight of twitter notifications. Another thing to know about me is that, I barely use my twitter. In fact, the only reason I have a twitter was because Bianca created it of her own accord, without even my consent. She said she needed 1 more follower to reach her thousand. So I, being the bestest friend in the world, complied. Also because she’s already created it and won’t let me delete it or her account will have 1 less follower. The only tweet I’ve ever done was “Hello world.” due to Bianca’s constant nagging that I should tweet something or people will think I’m a bot. Which is why I tweeted that, to spite Bianca. Because bots and “Hello world” being the default greeting of sites in the interweb. Anyway, back to my twitter, there’s so many mentions of my twitter handle and suddenly my followers increased from 1 to now 500 and counting.

“Beee-yung-kuh! What did you do?” I asked her sternly.

“I made you meme famous! You’re welcome!” She stood up and headed to the bathroom for her turn to shower.

I was absolutely mortified to say the least, did I mention that I hate drawing attention to myself? With my hair still dripping wet, my body only wrapped in bathrobe, I sat on Bianca’s bed - that’s my evil move, to dampen her sheets - I braced myself and unlocked my phone.

“Holy guacamole!” I exclaimed to myself when I saw what Bianca tweeted, which gained about 3k of RT’s now.

Twitter

@Bianca'sTwitterHandle: Paint my nails like one of your french girls! @colesprouse @YourTwitterHandle

Retweets:

OMG! Is @YourTwitterHandle the new GF of @colesprouse??? I SHIP THEM!!!! <3

@colesprouse please do my nails too!!!! Ugh PNAIT MY WHOEL BODY!!!!

@Bianca’sTwitterHandle is @YourTwitterHandle and @colesrpouse together????

I'm SHOOKET! But what’s their ship name? @colesprouse @YourTwitterHandle

I wanna see more pics of them! Write me some fanfics, anyone? @colesprouse @YourTwitterHandle

Meet nail polish girl, @YourTwitterHandle. Sassily asked @colesprouse to paint her nails. 💅🏻

Isn’t @colesprouse just amazing? Such a total dreamboat! #BAEGOALS #DREAMBOAT

Here’s @colesprouse being such a total dreamboat, painting @YourTwitterHandle’s nails like a boss!

When bae @colesprouse would do anything to please you @YourTwitterHandle . Like paint your nails! #dreamboat #baegoals

DM’s:

Please take care of Cole!!!!

Can you please post a photo of you and Cole??? We’re just so glad he’s happy and in love!

Who are you B*tch! Get away from Cole, he’s mine!!!!

I locked my phone and threw it at my bed. I don’t know how to handle this kind of thing. I’m certainly not prepared for this. It’s all Bianca’s fault. My phone won’t stop buzzing. I picked it up again to set it on silent mode when I saw this on my screen:

@colesprouse is now following you!

I cleared my notifications and instead of putting it to silent, I turned it off. And waited impatiently for Bianca to come out of the bathroom. Oh she is so dead!

She was humming happily when she stepped out, even shaking her booty, purposely ignoring my deadly stare. I grabbed a pillow and threw it at her. Head shot! Hah!

“Y/N!” she screamed my name. Her eyes were fiercely giving off lethal vibes as she threw the pillow right back at me.

“Why. Did you. Tweet. That?” I said in between dodges as we both hit each other with pillows.

“You. Are. No. Fun!”

“I am. Telling. My brother. About. This!”

I dropped the pillow and dived for my phone on the bed. Bianca pulled my leg to stop me from reaching my phone but I managed to grab it before I was pulled down on the floor. We fought with just our bathrobes on. Her arms and limbs were all over me like a koala bear. I pulled her hair, escaping her clutches and ran towards the door.

I stepped out of the room panting, I held the handle to stop Bianca from getting out, and as I was pulling the door hard I accidentally shoved someone who’s walking by the hallway.

“Sorry!” I turned around to face the person, and saw Cole standing flabbergasted, his mouth agape. I followed his eyes as they scanned me from head to toe. When our eyes met, sudden realization hit me! I was only in my bathrobe!

“Hey you’re uh…”

“Y/N!” The door flew open revealing Bianca shouting my name. “Oh hey Cole!” Bianca said as grabbed my shoulder and tried to pull me back in. She paused and looked back at Cole again, her face full of surprise.

“Cole? What are you? Doing. Here?” She paused unsure of how to put her words properly into a sentence.

“I’m staying here? In this hotel.” Cole replied, scratching his head.

I silently made my way to the door, with my arms clenched to my waist to avoid exposing my naked body underneath the robe but before I could even step in.

“Would you want to go out for dinner?” Cole asked Bianca I supposed, my back was facing him.

“Oh Cole, that’s so sweet of you. But I’m actually taken. I have a boyfriend. But I’m a big fan!” Bianca said in a chirpy manner. She then grabbed both my shoulders, turning me back around to face Cole. I swear I never prayed so hard to all the gods wishing the floor would swallow me up.

“Actually, I meant to ask. Uh, Y/N? That’s your name right?” Cole asked with a smile forming in his face.

#cole sprouse #cole sprouse imagine #imagine #colesprouseimagines

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zubelcas-blog · 7 years ago

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I have a severe social anxiety, these are the opening words as I struggled to find a better way to word it. Back in August, i spoke to my IB coordinator about my CAS. I remember asking her whether I can still finish it, she said “yes, haven’t you seen the mail I sent you?”. “Of course” - I lied as not to show the fact that I was too stressed to read the content of it. I can also recall a conversation we’ve had in March or so, where she had asked my why is it that I am so often unprepared for school or late with my duties. My answer had her in quite a disbelief, understandably so, as I argued that when I spend time with others in the IB room, as I hear them talk school, I get so stressed out, it actually paralyses me. What’s worse, throughout the years I had developed this retarded, (I’m not afraid to use this word) persona, that has stuck to me in the public eye. Last year I had literally won “the social student of the year award” despite not attending literally 2 parties a year, to many I wasn’t invited, but I wouldn’t have come anyway, and despite not even being there to receive it, as I didn’t want to see anyone. People must have voted ironically, since a part of this persona was to do everything ironically. As stupid as it sounds, it did wonders, because when you set a goal to do everything in reverse, being an anti-social person, suddenly you come across as a life of the party. Furthermore as I was gathering thoughts, with the intent of writing this, I also came to notice, that not a single person whom I had met in high school, has ever been to my place. Not a single classmate that I had for these 3 years, actually knew me, let alone a teacher. What I’m doing now is writing a CAS reflection, hopefully the final one, explaining my trials and tribulations, because that has been a longtime bane of me. I remember the backlash i got from my CAS coordinator for the first couple of reflections that I posted. She called me out as clowning, making a joke of IB, not treating it seriously. But i couldn’t publish it in any other form, it was to be either obnoxiously unserious, or it wasn’t to be at all, and as such to no surprise, I couldn’t push myself to publish any reflections for quite some time, thus creating a vicious cycle, where I don’t publish for fear of being rejected, so I get stressed out that I’m going to fail due to not passing the required amount of hours etc. It took me roughly a year and a half to publish something that the CAS coordinator deemed legitimate, but I felt so exposed for having done that, as I had finally written roughly how I feel (still nowhere close to this one). She often had doubted that I do any physical activities on the basis of me being skinny, it felt awful to be doubted like that, I was doing some lifting in my cellar, but of course there isn’t going to be any muscle, I was borderline anorectic, having weighted 51 KG at 1.73m as a male.

Apart from writing reflections, the other hardship for me was service. Creativity - was able to do music in the confines of my room, Action - as above stated, getting this featherweight isn’t just “not eating”. But service is a whole other beast, it requires you to actually go out to people. But how can you help others when you can’t even help yourself. Back in the first and second grade I participated in WOSP, a nationwide Christmas-time fundraiser for people in need. Over several hours of standing out in the cold, one time I managed to get 116 PLN, where 50 was literally thrown in by my father. I was just unable to reach out to people and ask them for a donation. I just stood there like a blank silhouette. When I heard back in Ib room that some people got upwards of 600, I felt so bad I chose not to write about it, I remember once telling my CAS coordinator that I had done WOSP as service, I told her that I technically did it as 2, since a fiend got sick just before it, so I went out with both my and her can. But because of the aforementioned stupid character that I have created over the years, the coordinator probably didn’t believe me. Can’t blame her, I have quite possibly birthed the least credible persona imaginable. She would often say that I’m a terrible liar. Which was true, but it went further than that, I wouldn’t believe myself, I would say things that were true as if it was a lie, just not let people know how I really felt. At times I’d have conversations with people that at one point had me saying “you don’t know me at all”, only to have the other person roll their eyes saying “sure, I don’t” thinking that I’m so easy to see through. After a while I decided to delete the entire blog with these silly reflections. To kind of start anew. As a part of this I enlisted myself as a helping hand for local allotment houses. I’m going to post a written certificate of me aiding them in a variety of listed ways. It was signed in August shortly after the conversation with my coordinator, but it holds true till this day. The reason why I’m writing this reflection now, is because, for one this Tuesday was the last time that I was able to do anything in these allotment houses this year. And secondly, and crucially, because as I spoke to my IB coordinator on the said day in August, as we said our byes, and I was going down the flight of stairs, she told me “bet you don’t want to be doing this till December”. Firstly I thought to myself “I have time till December?” But then it struck me as actually redeeming if I keep doing it till December. So here I am in December, writing the realest things I ever wrote.

Of the learning outcomes, I have most definitely done each at least once, with others on a regular basis, I perhaps didn’t show enough commitment to and perseverance in CAS experiences, as I haven’t been doing service for first four months of the second grade. I also have shown little of my own initiative. But I still think doing anything is an achievement. Having dug in my drawer looking for old proof of me doing CAS (such as WOSP IDs) I came across an almost 5 year old paper from a clinic (for lack of a better word) which states “an additional study has shown low score of studying motivation, however simultaneously a high level of school stress.” May I add that this is the same paper that having turned it to school, has allowed me to write my finals on a computer. It is pretty legitimate, but I’m not bringing it up to make excuses, but to make a point, a point that I’ve been like this for quite a long time now, and despite not being most consistent and diligent at doing service, doing any service for such a person feels like climbing a mountain. As part of my CAS project I did a charity fair with my classmate Przemek and Szymon. Szymon’s share was that he was the direct connection to the charity that we were aiding, he was doing things on the back end. Przemek did majority of the actual physical setup of the desks etc. My part was to make posters, and to have them all around the school. The reason why I never made any reflection on it, is because I had genuinely thought of it as a done deal, after Przemek went around recording the whole day with a go pro cam. Which i found really off putting, but some people just belong to that selfie culture, of documenting every single thing they happen to do. and it really bothers me, because these people have it some much easier at CAS. I wish I were such a person. But I never made any photos, unless I was actually on the edge of failing, for fear of failing. Once again, lack of initiative bites me, but I never did any photos because I just figured “who cares”. I have always had all of my friends on facebook unfollowed, I literally don’t see what others are doing. Over the last 6 months I had ex classmates ask me if I’m alive, not only have I not responded, I haven’t even clicked on it, so for them it shows the message as “unread”. You couldn’t make these things up. I’m not writing this to garner mercy or sympathy, but actually to show progress, if anything, I’m bragging in the strangest of ways. Treat it as a testimony, that I actually had done CAS, it made me write the things I did, all in all it was thanks to it. For lack of a better way to end it. I’m just going to stop here.

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thecyclingscouse · 7 years ago

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London to Paris

So, seven sleeps until departure for me and my red (naturally!) bike. I have been persuaded to complete a blog (whatever that is) on Tumblr (which apparently is an App and not a glass), so this is my first paragraph. The fact I am rubbish with technology, probably means that I will end up accidentally deleting this post before it is actually posted. In fact, riding my red (naturally!) bike from London to Paris will probably prove somewhat easier than me figuring out how to post things into a glass that isn’t actually a glass! Anyway, let’s see how this goes and I will reconvene when there are only six sleeps until departure. Au revoir (I am multilingual you know) for now.

Six more sleeps for me and the red bike. We spent 26 miles together at 5.10am this morning. It was cold. It was wet. It was miserable. I was cold. I was wet. I was miserable. Then I remembered something that made me snap out of that miserable mind set. I remembered that this time last year I could barely walk up the stairs without being physically exhausted and having to lie down to recover. Why was that I can hear you ask?! The reason for it is the reason why me and the red bike are embarking upon our quest to cycle 480 kilometres together. You see I was diagnosed with cancer in my tonsil and lymph nodes in December 2015. I spent the bulk of 2016 having radiotherapy, having chemotherapy, having 11 teeth removed, being fed through a tube, being unable to eat and drink properly, losing the ability to talk for a while and losing all my dignity and self esteem. It was without doubt the toughest challenge I have ever faced. I came through it though, and now I want to give something back to help thank the amazing people who treated me with such kindness and care. Who helped me recover and who help countless other people through much worse than I encountered. I am attempting to raise £10,000 for Macmillan in order to make some form of contribution to aid the magnificent and selfless care this brilliant organisation offers every single day. So, dragging my arse out of bed at 5.00am to then plonk it on the red bikes’ ridiculously uncomfortable saddle, is actually an absolute joy. To cycle through the early morning mist in the peaceful countryside whilst dawn breaks, is something that reminds me how fortunate and privileged I am to be alive. Now that you are aware of my motivation, I can now concentrate future posts on being charming and witty!! It’s now time to sign off and sleep. I have a hot date with the red bike at 5.15am….

I suspect you have all been wondering how my hot date went this morning?! Well, as with all dates, there was a heady mixture of anticipation, intrigue, mystery, attraction (hopefully), interaction, excitement, satisfaction and fulfilment (hopefully!!). Let’s look at these individually. The anticipation gave me a sporadic and fitful sleep, mainly due to the fact that is unseasonably cold and I didn’t fancy getting up for my date at 5.00am. The red bike seemed pretty non plussed by this and appeared to have slept just fine. I was intrigued to find out if I could manage to get my bike shoes into the cleats (for those of you not familiar with cleats, try www.cleatsareannoying.com) first time. There are many ‘date’ connotations here, but that would be too tacky a road to go down. This is something I have not yet accomplished first time and this morning was no exception. The red bike was not impressed with this attempt. I tried to be mysterious and surprise both me and the red bike with a new route. After getting to the first roundabout I forgot about this plan, carried straight on and then couldn’t be bothered to go back. Hence we did the usual route. The red bike seemed happy to go in whatever direction I steered it. The attraction element centred around the fact that assorted insects and bugs seem to be attracted to my mouth (it has been said on occasion that I do in fact have an attractive mouth). However, assorted insects and bugs flying into my mouth is not particularly pleasant. The red bike squashed the assorted bugs and insects under its sexy wheels. The interaction between me and the red bike was a mixture of joy and despair. One moment we combined perfectly in joint satisfaction and the next we were erratic and fumbling through the gears (pause for comic effect). There was plenty of excitement! These early morning rides are like an episode of Spring Watch. I saw rabbits, a deer, a fox, stoats, an owl and a variety of cattle. For a city boy this is like being on an African Safari, and as such was mildly exciting. The red bike took a passing interest in two dead hedgehogs and a squashed rabbit. Like every good date, there had to be satisfaction. I was very satisfied that we completed the 28 miles without being forced off the road by passing motorists, being beeped at by passing motorists, being verbally abused by passing motorists or having objects of litter thrown at us by passing motorists. All of which we have experienced on other dates. Finally there was the fulfilment part of the date. Did we get what we both wanted? Well, I took the red bike back home and as I climbed off I could have sworn I heard a groan of pleasure from her, or perhaps that was just my aching and aging body relieved that the date was over! The red bike seemed ready for more. Maybe a few years ago I may have been able to oblige. So, was it a successful date? The fact we are doing it all again tomorrow would suggest it was. Practice makes perfect and I want to get better. The red bike has seen it all before and I get the impression that she was relieved it was over. Five more sleeps…. #macmillancancersupport #JFT96 At 6.00am this morning, whilst me and the red bike were meandering through the country lanes of such famous places as Marholm, Ufford and Barnack, I was thinking of the magnitude of what lies ahead. I am actually doing a sponsored bike ride from London to Paris!! That’s Paris in France! I have been to Paris on many occasions, but my mode of travel has never included a red bike, or any bike for that matter. I do recall trying to get to Paris without spending any money for a dare. I bunked on a train from Liverpool to London, hitchhiked to Dover and bunked on a ferry to Calais, before arriving in Ostend because I bunked on the wrong boat! I was then casting my memory back to other sponsored activities I have done over the years. One that immediately sprung to mind was a ‘sponsored silence’ when I was at school. What the hell was that all about? I remember knocking on my neighbours’ doors with a tatty piece of A4 paper and asking them to sponsor me to sit quietly for an hour and give me 20p. Most of them told me to get lost and by the time I had pestered a variety of relatives I think I probably raised about £2.10 (one stingy relative only gave me 10p) to give to Doctor Barnardos. Is Doctor Barnardos still actually in existence?? Should Doctor Barnardo be 'on the list’? Well life has moved on and we now have 'Just Giving’ and questions about tax and gift aid and do I want to share it on Facebook or Twitter blah blah blah….. I guess it’s progress and instead of raising £2.10, I am aiming for an ambitious £10,000!! I was riding along feeling quite pleased with myself about that, until I remembered that Jimmy Saville raised millions!! Whatever became of Jim?? I recall sitting in the radiotherapy waiting area at Adenbrookes Hospital, quietly observing some of my fellow patients. One particular elderly gentleman had a Macmillan nurse accompanying him for his treatment. He was clearly terribly ill and to compound his misfortune he was also blind. I remember thinking two things. Firstly, that life can be massively cruel. How much misfortune can one poor man be faced with? Secondly, as I listened and watched the interaction between nurse and patient, I was quite overwhelmed at the care and compassion displayed by the nurse, alongside the reliance and gratitude from her patient. It made me consider my own relatively minor predicament in a whole different light. That is one of many moments I will be thinking of during the hard miles that lie ahead. How can I not do this…. four more sleeps. So that's the end of the training!! With three days until departure, me and the red bike completed 48 miles and that's it until Wednesday. Since falling for the irresistible charms of the red bike back in late February, we have battled the elements, the terrain, the rude motorists and my confusion over how to choose the correct gear (I still shift up or down at the wrong time). The clever App (see how I embrace technology!) I have which 'Maps My Ride' (I like something that is named after precisely what it does - take note Tumblr!!) tells me that me and the red bike (should that in fact be the red bike and I?) have now completed a grand total of 2,067 miles together!!! Apparently that is pretty much the distance from Liverpool to Istanbul (2,118.3 miles to save you Googling it!!). For those football fans amongst you, the connection between those two cities is legendary. I spent two brilliant days and probably one of the best nights of my life in that amazing city in May 2005. Whilst I was ill, I spent many dark hours reliving the 25th May 2005 and recalling how miserable and utterly dejected I felt at half time when we were losing 3 0 to AC. Milan. The rest as they say, is history. Visualising Steven Gerrard holding the European Cup high into the Istanbul night, gave me such positivity and determination through the dark and uncertain times of 2016. So now it's time to rest my tired legs. The red bike is going for the equivalent of a spa day on Tuesday, in order to be fully prepared for what lies ahead. I am jealous, because after being introduced to the wonders and delights of spa days by a special person several years ago, I have to say that they are quite magnificent! I continually get mocked by mates who consider such pastimes as girly!! How wrong they are! I fully intend to treat myself to one upon my return from Paris. I spent about an hour watching 'Le Tour' today. Something I never thought likely. I watched transfixed, as lycra clad super humans whizzed along the streets of Germany and Belgium at breathtaking speed in the pouring rain. It did puzzle me though, as I can't quite understand how it can be the 'Tour de France' and go through Germany and Belgium. Misrepresentation of contract me thinks. Emotional distress. Where there's blame there's a claim. Is this another PPI?? Anyway, I digress. Three sleeps to go. Training finished. It's now time to eat copious amounts of pasta and jelly babies!! It's amazing what you can do if you try. I have cycled to Istanbul (kind of!!). The venue of one of the most emotional nights of my life. Just over 12 years ago, if someone had told me I would be diagnosed with cancer and cycle over 2,000 miles in four months, I'm not sure which of those things I would believe the least. You never know what's coming your way.... #macmillancancersupport #YNWA

#macmillan cancer support

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