#scrolled longer than expected on that app & saw some other ones…im crying

[maiteo]

Have u seen these Olympics mugshots 💀😭😭 https://x.com/thenewgenatp/status/1814062701745717541?s=46&t=Zw95KNXFc104noWwKx779Q

SCREAM

[biarology]

Past’s Future but Today’s Past

Oops, I haven’t written for a while. The last post says “3 years” but I am pretty sure its closer to 4. Imagine all the crap in my head that wasn’t released. That explains a lot.

Before I start my travel blogs here’s a summary of the last 3-4 years:

·       June 2015 – Mental breakdown with the tip of the iceberg being a friendship breakup. Man that hurt, more than romantic relationships. I guess because you don’t expect them to end? I broke my hand. Punched a marble wall in an elevator (crying and alone). I would have been pretty upset if it didn’t break actually, because a marble wall is pretty hard. Embarrassingly, I still couldn’t, and probably can’t punch properly, with the fracture being in the 5th metacarpal. The rest of the iceberg included: over working, over investing emotional energy into work (but how can you not, you’re working with people)(I’m much better an learning not to now), my half-sister was going through a court case against her step father for fucked up shit.

·       July 2015 - went to Bali with my friend for like 2 days lol (with a cast around my arm), because that was booked ages ago. Road tripped down from Darwin to Brisbane with Mum. Long days, long drives, but loved watching the scenery change. Great photos but they’re on Instagram a million scrolls down now. Stayed with my brother and his ex and their dogs and cats for about a month. Mostly in bed.

·       August 2015 – moved back down to Gosford and half lived with my parents there, and sister in Sydney. Got a job. Moved to Sydney in about October although work was contract and started on very low hours (~4). So I lost my $17g in savings towards someone else’s mortgage because independence is important to me.

·       Throughout Sydney time:

-          I got to know sister and sister in law better, they looked after me insanely. And gave me a cat, Dot. Who I love. And miss.  And then my twin moved back and away again but that was the best. Got to work with parents better.  Rekindled friendships, strengthened friendships, and made new ones. There’s too many of them but they know who they are. they are amazing, and again I don’t know what I’d do without them. Visited Grandam more (so hard to leave). I contracted for a total of 5 companies. And learnt boundaries and “my worth.” One company I’m still working for because they’re amazing and the boss has somehow managed to instil all my own values into the culture of his company. I also life modelled a fair bit. Went to Thailand for 5 days and NZ for 5 days plus some other roadtrips around Aus. Brother was pretty scarily low but now he seems good.

-          Saw a psych for a year or 2. Had panic attacks. Exercise is awesome etc.

-          I have(had...still weird to say) a boyfriend. For a year. He was good. I learnt how to be vulnerable and trust romantically, I learnt more about my needs and boundaries (lots of boundary learning over the last few years – professional/personal). He also taught me how to cook better (well the idea of cooking better not sure if I have practised it that much), and he always tried/s to enjoy enjoyable things, which sometimes I’m not very good at because my mind is probably stressed about something else. We lived together for 6 months. He now has my cat. I’m so glad they have each other and I miss them. Everything has felt so surreal since I actually decided I need to leave. I needed to leave because travel has been on my to-do-list, and work visas have age limits and my age is limited, so Im actually pushing it. Plus, I was just not coping there. We had different goals (travel vs settle), and some different values.  I’d had my mind set on leaving after my sister’s wedding and though I tried to push it back, I couldn’t. And maybe that made me more focused on the negative? Anyway, needed to travel and that’s what I’m doing.

I think that’s most of the 3.5 years summarised. Hhhmmm 3.5 years in 519 words :/

Awww I had some points for the future in my long last post. And now it is the future. Cute.   To conclude I’ll just address comments in that post, sentence by sentence:

-          Still have lots of love

-          Don’t really like myself at the moment though tbh

-          I no longer try to beat box, I forgot that I was doing that

-          I stopped listening to podcasts while driving in July 2017 because I realised it was contributing to my stress and fatigue – as I was never resting, always on the go

-          Body composition even worse now, wish I had what it was then lolz

-          Face/acne – improved once I went on the pill, came back when I stopped repeat etc. Didn’t come back once I ceased/decreased gluten/dairy

-          So was single for 54 months, and felt the same most of that time – content alone, occasionally lonely. Single again now, apparently.

-          Anxiety and depression. Always there. Quit the degree though so no more assignments, though that stress enjoyed report writing

-          Oh man did depression and PMS symptoms improve with diet and exercise! So much! I get cramps and nipple tenderness PMS, IF my lifestyle is shit, when its not, I don’t know theyre coming (have to rely no app haha)

-          Past/regret – still don’t regret things, as I look at everything as teachings. Though I regret eating so much chocolate

-          Future! I have not done WA. I am in Asia right now!! But haven’t organised any volunteering yet. Also not sure when/where/what, I currently need a break from helping people ( a bit drained from Sydney work)(I need to fix that Boom/Bust pattern of work and crash…). Don’t know about hiking at the moment I’m pretty unfit. Haven’t learnt guitar. I think I looked into it and didn’t know where to start so gave up.  Gymnastics didn’t improve much but sister got me into more climbing! Drawing improved a little with life drawing groups.  Boy did I fix up those dreads (Jess and I combed them out). Still haven’t done Martial Arts but planning to do a Kung Fu/Meditation retreat in a few weeks in Thailand. I better book that. Tomorrow… Am reading more – its apart of my bed time routine 😊. Oh I still need to learn how to write properly!! Grammar and vocab etc.