#screaming crying and throwing up over my comfort OCs tonight <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[pumaskulls]

y'all get more WIPs bc i cannot believe i came up with a design so good. im barely getting any progress on this ref done bc i keep wanting to stop and cry over how cute Artemis is

Actually feel like sharing a WIP for once, bc I'm accidentally making Artemis & Apollo more detailed than I intended....but I wanna show their new designs off already

[havenesa-sera-fina]

Hidden Marks [5: Drunk Confession]

Summary: Wrapping his own arms around her shoulders, Namjoon pulled her in, resting his head on the crown of her head, his heart beating steadily, which Sera heard and smiled to herself. Even with his odd lengthy limbs, they fit together perfectly, "Sera, I'm falling in love with you, that I want to convince you not to go, but I trust you. I just want you to be happy, to never cry over us again. I can't promise you that if you choose to stay with us, everything will be rainbows and sunshine, but I promise you that we won't give up on you, on this relationship. We're not perfect like everyone thinks we are, we're not the perfect bunch of soulmates, we have problems as a group and individuals, secrets that we all keep, burdens that we try to carry on our own. Though we all have each other, to fall back on when things get brought, and that includes you now. We're soulmates, so if anything happens, don't be scared to tell us.

(Poly BTS/OT7 x Reader/OC)

College Au / Soulmate Au

Disclaimer: Bts isn't my or any real life people (obviously.) Any other characters are my though. This is my story so do not republish this anywhere or I will report.

There maybe some triggers, but I will address them within the chapters.

Sources: Wattpad

Word count: 2466

"Canada ain't real and that's the tea sis." I pronounced randomly, walking side by side with Baekhyun through the fairground. Cotton candy in one hand, and beer in another.

It was a Saturday, so the fairground was packed with people, but it didn't stop us and our crazy antics. We've been here for only an hour, and we've moved onto our third cup of beer. Considering the fair was close to the college, there were a ton of uni students, all with the same idea to just get drunk tonight.

I invited Kimie to join us, after an awkward discussion of, 'if I was alright or not.' It ended up with me apologizing and Kimie just saying she was glad that I'm alright. She ended up declining as she was tired from the week that was filled with nothing best tests for her.

Somewhere in the week, I did end up calling the hospital to get more medicine, after embarrassingly explained what had happened. They offered therapy for me, but I declined as I knew therapy wouldn't help me. Because I already knew the types of questions and suggestions they were gonna tell me.

I haven't talked to Lilia yet and managed to just straight up ignore her boyfriends, which wasn't hard. We had no classes together and pretty sure we were all majoring in different things.

So it was just Baekhyun and me, and I was fine with that.

"Are you drunk already darling?" Baekhyun snorted, chugging down the rest of his beer and disposing of the cup in a nearby trash can, "We literally visited Canada for our high school senior trip dumb ass."

"It's all a ruse and Russia created Canada to watch over the US."

At that, we both giggled like little girls, feeling buzzed from the alcohol and the night just started, "Nothing in this world is real!" I yelled out, garnering a few weird looks from the older people at the fair, "it's all figments of our imagination!"

He bumped shoulders with me slightly, "Shut up you drunk."

Baekhyun was always a mean drunk.

It didn't take long for the hours to go by, with Baekhyun and I got a beer and more beer along with food, getting on rides and luckily not throwing up. There were attempts to play some carnival games, but that just ended up with me throwing a ball at him.

"What the hell you bitch!" Baekhyun yelled after I somehow threw the ball at him instead of in front of me at the plates, "my beer!" Sadly the impact caused him to drop his beer.

The vendors were staring at the two college students with amusement, not upset by the ruckus they were causing.

"Shut up you pink starburst," I yelled back, only to giggle. I was more than buzzed and tipsy, and this was always the best feeling as I bid the cute vendor guy goodbye, before dragging Baekhyun away, "I'll buy you more."

We were walking a little out of line, leaning against each other for support as we laughed over the most random things, our drunk mind thinking a blue cotton candy was worthy of laughing our ass off.

So drunk that we ended up bumping into someone.

A numbing feeling came over me, but I ignored it, the alcohol did its job to hide the feelings I didn't want to confront.

I met the most enchanting gray eyes I've ever seen, and couldn't help but giggle as I felt Baekhyun lean more of his weight against me, causing me to stumble, "Funny seeing you here Taetae!" My voice slurred slightly, as I raised my half-drunk beer up to him, "want to get fucked up with us?"

Taehyung stared amusingly at Sera, how some pieces of her light brown hair stuck to her face due to sweat. A pair of beautiful amber eyes stared at him, finally looked at him, even if it was through a drunken haze as a playful smirk played at her lips. His heart never pounded this painfully, but his eyes flickered to where Baekhyun was all but wrapped around her side and he wanted to tear them apart.

"How much did you drink exactly Noona?" He asked, voice dipped slightly when he said Noona, his eyes never leaving Sera's as she didn't bother to look away either, "you're never this friendly."

"Don't be silly! We're so much closer than you think," she then pushed the beer into his hands, along with an uneaten churro she bought few moments before they bumped into each other, "You should get drunk with us, Hyunnies beginning to get boring."

"Shut up you bitch!"

Sera didn't take offense to Baekhyun, as she slightly detached herself from him and looked back up at Taehyung, who stared on with slight fascination. He liked the way her cheeks flushed slightly, and wanted her to just keep staring at him, "You sure you ain't drunk already?"

"Not even buzzed! Where's Lilia anyway, why ain't you with her?"

Truth be told, Lilia and his six soulmates were somewhere in this fairground. They had all went together, but he and Lilia still weren't in talking terms, and not being able to stand the tense atmosphere, he excused himself from the group. Jungkook offered to accompany him, but he stated he wanted to be alone, before walking off.

"Let's not worry about her," he mumbled, before mentally saying fuck it, and chugging down the rest of Sera's beer, "lets gets fucked up tonight."

Both Baekhyun and Sera cheered at his words, as the pink-haired boy quickly went to get more beer.

Sera, the alcohol influencing her, instantly attached herself to Taehyung's side, "Taetae let's go on the Ferris wheel okay? Hyunnie and I haven't been on there yet."

Taehyung wasn't use to this, wasn't use to her being so friendly and close to him.

Sera had always been so cold and distant towards him and his other her soulmates, barely even muttering a word when any of them were near, let alone invite him or the others to get wasted with her. To have her so close, to feel her breathing as she wrapped her arms around one of his, a drunken smile on her lips. She was a drunken beauty, despite always, in general, being beautiful in his eyes, especially now she didn't have a blank expression on her face, and was now staring at him with so much.

It caused something to stir within him.

Even in his head was telling him that this wasn't right, that he had his soulmates and his girlfriend somewhere in this fairground. That he should push her away and go back to his group, but his soul was telling him to stay. That this was where he belonged.

"Yeah," he breathed in, just basking in her presence because he knew, once Sera was sober again, she would never look at him the way she is now, "anything you want."

Baekhyun came back, and seemed unfazed by the clingy Sera, and pushed a beer into each of their hands, and took the churro from Taehyung, "Hurry up dude, you got catching up to do."

Grinning slightly, just for this night, Taehyung would be selfish and indulge himself. Because while his head was screaming at him that this was all wrong, he never felt so sure with Sera holding onto him.

*****

"Fucking shit I'm gonna throw up," Taehyung frowned, leaning against a tree as he gulped down the rest of his water, "What time is it," he grumbled.

"Like 3 am," Baekhyun replied, patting the other man back in slight comfort.

They passed the stage of being stupid drunks, to being sober drunks. Not saying stupid shit and stumbling on their words, but still marking poor life decisions and most likely will not remember the type of drunk. The best type of drunk stage to just have a deep and philosophical discussion. Make confessions, because it'll be a miracle if any of them remembers what transpired.

Groaning, I looked down at the two boys on the ground, making myself comfy on top of the jungle gym I managed to climb. The cool air somewhat calming down the heat I felt as I gazed at Taehyung. Despite his need to throw up, I couldn't help but find him enchanting, especially underneath the moonlight.

The fair had closed three hours ago, and the three of us had jumped all over the place. To a bar for more drinks, a convenience store, onto college campus where we ran away quickly when we saw a security guard. Which we wouldn't have even gotten in trouble because we were students, but we're stupid drunks. Then we ended up at Baekhyun's apartment to get his car keys, but we were smart enough and just raided his kitchen, and now we found ourselves at a park in whom no gods nowhere. My phone luckily still at 20% as Baekhyun's at 80% because he was smart enough to charge it at the convenience store as we ate to our heart's content.

"You comfy over there cutie?" Taehyung called out, gray eyes meeting with clashing amber ones, a hint of amusement in them as he began to walk towards the jungle gym as well.

"You can't come up here if you're going to throw up!" I laughed, watching as he stumbled his way up the stairs, Baekhyun following him. My mark burning slightly, but not in an unpleasant way, as the alcohol in my system telling me everything was fine. My reasoning long gone as I accepted Taehyung company for tonight or morning or whatever.

"Jesus, we're going to get alcohol poisoning," Baekhyun groaned, as the two boys finally reached the top, where Sera was and seated themselves, "Where even are we?"

"Some park."

"No shit Sherlock."

"Taetae! Hyunnie's being mean! He's always a mean bitchy drunk."

The man in the middle only laughed, sounding like bells and causing my cheeks to flush, "come here cutie, I'll protect yah," he held out his hands and made grabbing motions towards me.

My heart skipped a beat with how adorably handsome he looked. Somewhere in the haze of the alcohol, my mind was telling me to stop, that I would regret this later, but my soul was telling me that I belonged in his arms.

So I listened to my soul and all but lunged into his arms. Instantly they wrapped around me securely, and while he reeked of alcohol, there was still a faint cinnamon smell to him as I buried my face into his chest. He was so warm compared to the chilly air night, and I didn't ever want to move away from here.

"I'm gonna gag," Baekhyun spoke somewhere in the background, before pulling out his phone and snapping a picture of the two. For later uses as in to blackmail Sera with whenever he wanted free food and possibly gossip with Kimie. Like he'll ever go behind Sera's back and expose her secret.

He was a mean drunk, but not a bastard of a drunk.

"I should," I mumbled, finding some reason within myself, and began to push myself away from Taehyung. While it felt so right and comforting to be in his arms, I knew it was wrong, "Lilia's my friend..."

Something in Taehyung panicked as he felt Sera pull away from him, causing him to tighten his grip and pull her back. Burying his nose in her soft hair, he breathed in her blueberry scented hair wash, "Lilia isn't my soulmate," he spoke, voice husky and deep, "Plus, all she's been doing is talking shit about you all week, I don't think she sees you as a friend anymore."

I should be bothered by his words, tell him he was wrong and try to defend my friendship.

However, I knew a long time ago we stopped becoming friends. We stopped being friends when I made the decision to keep my soulmates a secret from her. Maybe we stopped being friends a long time ago.

"She hates me because I killed her soulmate," I spoke bluntly, not being able to control my mouth and thoughts, "It's my fault why he's dead. That's why she took my own soulmates from me."

"Who's your soulmate cutie," his lips were close to my ear, as I felt his warm breath against my cheeks. It caused the most delightful shiver to run down my back, as my marks burn, not in pain, but in such an addicting feeling.

His hands went to my shoulders, before slowly trailing down my arm. So dangerously close to the very thing I kept hidden all these years. To the very thing I was so tired of hiding, "Won't you tell me, sweet Sera," his little nickname caused another shiver, "I always knew my little girlfriend was keeping secrets from us and I never liked it. Like she was trying to paint a different image of herself, that's far from reality."

The way he addressed Lilia as his girlfriend, I didn't like that at all as it caused me to feel a slight bitterness and jealousy. I should be Taehyung's girlfriend, not Lilia. I was his soulmate for crying out loud, I was all of their soulmates.

"You gave up on me," I mumbled, but I knew he heard, "If you just waited for one more year, you could have had all your seven soulmates."

"Is it really too late to find my other one? When she's so...so close."

"Shut up, you don't deserve me anymore. You gave up on waiting and began dating my best friend!" I raised my voice slightly and heard Baekhyun whine slightly in the background, "do you know how much it hurts to see all you guys together?"

Baekhyun, who knew he should shut Sera up, stop this discussion and pull the two away. However, he couldn't bring himself to, as he accepted being the third wheel as he went on his phone.

After all, all three have a better chance of getting alcohol poisoning then remembering anything that happened tonight.

Grumbling to himself, he scrolled through his contacts and clicked on a name: Nam fucking annoying Joon.

He didn't have a personal hatred towards Namjoon or any of the seven soulmates but didn't like them at the same time. They were the reasons why his friend was always in constant pain.

He grumbled slightly, then types away on the keyboard:

Hey it's Baekhyun. Come pick up your drunk boyfriend. We're at the park near the high school that's like ten miles away from the college. I'll send you our location.

Instantly he got a reply, to which he only rolled his eyes:

Why is he with you?

Ask him yourself. 

[13-reasons-ideas]

Little Koala

Hi I’m so sorry I wasn’t sure whether I should submit my request here or the other option they gave me so I hope this is ok🙂 #92 “You’re so clingy, I love it.” With Monty pls? Ps I love your blog especially the Monty story.

Requested by: Anon

Wasn’t sure if you wanted an X reader, so I wrote it as x reader but also had the name Claire in mind as I wrote it in case you wanted an OC. Italics sections are flashbacks. (Y/N) = your name, (Y/N/N) = your nickname, (Y/D/N) = your dad’s name

Warnings: Fluff. Lots of fluff.  

A/N: I got the reasoning for the hand on the thigh when driving from my boyfriend so thank you to him for that.

Word count: 1181 Words

Montgomery de la Cruz and I had been dating for a while, almost a year and a half. When he came to my locker after school last fall and asked me if I wanted to grab a milkshake with him sometime, I’d thought he was kidding. I literally had to stop myself from laughing as I stood there staring at him with wide eyes. I knew about his reputation with the girls at school. He was a player through and through. “Are you… is this a joke?” I asked him as I looked around his wide frame to see if any of his baseball friends were lurking around.

“um… no? I genuinely want to know if you would grab a milkshake at Rosie’s sometime this week? Or another week if this one doesn’t work for you?” he replied, looking rather uncomfortable and nervous as he reached to adjust his bag on his shoulder. His reaction made me more comfortable with the situation and I relaxed.

“Oh, well in that case, I’m free this Friday if you are.” I told him, smiling.

“Ye-yeah. Friday works.” He stammered.

“Cool. I’ll text you my address? Pick me up at 7?”

“It’s a date.” He replied as he nodded at me, walking backwards. Because he wasn’t paying attention, he walked straight into a trash can. I laughed as he righted himself and the can before waving at me and heading to football practice.

Montgomery was a perfect gentleman on our date, prompting me to accept his request for a second date. And a third one after that. His continued care and, for lack of a better term, un-Montgomery-ness is what caused me to take the next step and ask him to make us official.  When we told people about our relationship, no one thought we would last 3 months, let alone a year. People I had never spoken to before, warned me about him as if we hadn’t gone to school together since kindergarten. Sherri Holland had come to me one day after English and warned me “Montgomery is not the guy you want to be with (Y/N). He will just take what he wants from you and leave. Think about that.” After a few months, people noticed a change in him. At first, I thought it was just the newness and honeymoon stage. But then it continued past the four-month mark after we had our first argument that wasn’t stupid and small.

The man is surprisingly clingy. I wasn’t expecting him to be this clingy. He is always touching me in some way if we are close enough- which is often. At school he holds my hand or throws his arm around my shoulders as he walks me to my locker in the morning, or he pulls me close to his side around his friends at lunch or before a game, usually drawing a few comments like “get a room” from Scott playfully and “Someone’s whipped” from Bryce, who lets be honest, no one listens to or takes seriously anyway. There are other… less appropriate comments from his other teammates but I don’t pay those much mind. If we drive anywhere together, he holds my hand over the gear shift in his jeep or my (your favourite car). On drives home in his Jeep after a date or game, he places his large, calloused hand on my thigh as though he’s letting me know he’s still there and is an easy, small way for him to express his affection and love for me. It’s almost like he is trying to comfort me or convince himself that I’m still there, even after all this time. When he spends time with the guys or goes to a party without me, he calls me when he leaves and usually when he gets home, if it’s not too late so I know he’s safe and he checks in with me if I’m out with Jess or Cyrus and Mackenzie or any of my other friends, sending me a simple ‘thinking of you’ or ‘ I love you (Y/N)’ text. Monty spends most nights he’s free at my place to avoid having to deal with his dad and his unpredictable actions. If he spends the night, he curls himself around me and rests his head above mine. His sleeping positions earned him his affectionate pet name, Koala. He says he doesn’t like it but I never miss the little blush that creeps up his neck when I address him with it. I never said anything about his much less adorable nickname for me (Y/N/N). Other nights he comes over for dinner and a movie, he cuddles close to me on the couch, in my bed, or if my Dad (Y/D/N) is out occasionally in his La-Z-Boy chair.

Tonight, was one of those nights. We were curled up on the couch together watching a movie, while my parents were on a date for their anniversary. It was my turn to pick this time, so we were watching The Fault in Our Stars. Monty always makes a big deal about watching it. This time the reasoning was “but (Y/N), it makes you cry every time you watch it and it’s a girl movie.”

“I cry when we watch it? So what do you call what comes out of your eyes? Allergies?” I replied coyly, shaking my head and smiling as I pressed play.

“Oh hush you.” He replied, chuckling and pulling me closer to him, placing a kiss to my forehead. About halfway through the film we had switched positions. Montgomery was now laying with his head in my lap and his arms wrapped around my legs. He was trying to hide his sniffles as I carded my fingers though his hair. I giggled softly as he snuggled his head against my lap, trying to get even closer to me and hiding his face. “What?” he asked, his deep voice muffled by my thighs.

“Nothing. I was just thinking.” I replied. He could hear the smile in my voice.

“Thinking about what (Y/N/N)?”

“You’re so clingy, I love it. My little Koala.” I responded, ruffling his hair. I felt him raise his eyebrow and sit up to look at me.

“I’m clingy? Is that so?” he retorted, reaching out to me smirking.

“Yes. What… what are you doing?” I asked, knowing full well what he was about to do. I started to pull away. “No. Don’t even think about it.” I warned half-heartedly.

“Don’t think about what?” He questioned playfully.

“You know what.”

“What? This?” he asked before attacking my sides, tickling me. I screamed and fell back on the couch.

“MONTGOMERY! STOP!” I yelled, laughing trying not to kick him as I squirmed around.

“Never!” he laughed evilly. As his relentless tickling continued, I began to relax a bit and thought to myself.

Yeah. I love this man. This goofy koala is exactly who I want. Forever.

I had no idea about the talk he had with my father the previous weekend, or the box in his bedside table drawer.

[ladyvivienneloyola]

Challenge #8

Alternately Titled: For Loyola-ty to the Heart

a/n: hello hello hello everyone! This is it! This is BHBKSSJKSNKJNJKNSKJNSKJWNWJSDN. Okay so honestly I don’t want to cry writing this a/n cause I already cried enough writing this because of all the crazy stuff happening with me. Quick life update: I’m finally in college, just started taking classes and you know, just adjusting to dorm life. It’s been more than just a crazy few weeks for me and well, yes- enough tears have been shed. So y’all probably know that this is technically my final-final OC season and I’m so happy with what I had been able to accomplish with all my girls. It’s been a pleasure playing all three girls, each of their characters definitely being vastly different from each other and wELL, I’M JUST SENTIMENTAL because the OC had really been a huge part of my life for the past year and it’s definitely brought me a lot of highs and lows. With this being said, I’m HONORED ™ ™ ™  to have made it this far in this season with my homegirl, Vivienne and it’s been a wild ride trying to play this smol angry lifeguard/escort. Being this outspoken as a character was a lot of fun and well, I just hope you enjoyed reading her thoughts as much fun I had writing her. I’d really like to thank @benjaminschreave (BRIANNA AND ESTER) for giving us the opportunity to really develop our characters and plotlines- and being ever supportive hosts and for cranking out all of their own plotlines and ~drama~ and well ALL THOSE RPs and HONESTLY TO MY FELLOW FINALISTS AND FRIENDS @danielle-leblanc and @opheliagardinier GIRLS WE MADE IT AND AHUDHKHEJKHDSHJFHEDSHJEN AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH *SCREAMS* i JUST AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH THANK YOU FOR BEING AROUND TO LISTEN TO ME BE WEIRD AND TALK PLOTLINES AND I’M SORRY FOR ALMOST KILLING VIV’S DAD OFF. ANYWAY YES. This is the point in time where I really say good bye to all of you and the OC so yes, Thank you so much and I’ll probably be making my OC farewell/exit ™ post soon within the weekend. So this has been Anya, your resident procrastinator, here to say good bye with this last fic. I hope you all enjoy and remember that I love you all! <3

Would it be possible to watch the whole world pass by you while you stayed in one place? One singular point in the world among the millions of places in the world? If I could just stay here, and stare at these paintings, maybe somehow I’d be stuck here long enough to become an exhibit myself, probably titled “Selected Contemplating Last Date with a not-so-boyfriend Prince”. It feels like forever had gone by as I looked at the paintings, trying to find the one kernel, one inkling of an idea as to what I wanted this date to be. 

Considering everything that had happened in the past few weeks, it was a surprise to be kept around as everyone around me had been getting sent home. To even think I stood a chance after the whole escort thing had been exposed. I tried to pretend to not be as bothered by everything said on the magazines, the derogatory terms I haven’t already heard or thought of as everyone accused me of sleeping my way to stay in the competition. But it all hurt, and what hurt even more was how the whole scandal had affected Ben’s reputation too.

Guilt is possibly the worst feeling in the world, thinking about how your actions affect other people- which is why I try to limit it by trying to not really care about people- but this was a whole other level of guilt when everything was made so public. And somehow, guilt made me want to make this last date even more special than ever. Somehow to prove my worth that Ben’s decision to keep me was worth the hellfire he went through with… for me.

This is why I’ve been trying to think of something worth it all, and maybe the paintings that Ben loved so much could give me a hint as to what would be the perfect thing to do. It felt too long ago, getting guided along this art gallery and toured personally by a prince. My first genuine memories that wasn’t ridden with the fear of wanting to impress him because I wanted him to like him. The first time he really was Ben to me, Ben with the thick glasses and the knowledge of all the paintings in this gallery. Ben who first introduced me to a painting of bananas before he showed me a portrait of a wave, and the Ben I discussed coffee and sunrises with on the balcony nearby- and then and there, as I wrap my hands around myself I realized. I realized my best memories with him and thought of the one thing I wanted to experience with him for the last time.

I send him a note right away.

First of all, why must you put this much pressure on us? Seriously. Second of all, I'd like to formally invite you to a date tonight no later than 7:49 PM. SHARP. But don't look too sharp. Be comfortable. You're in for a long night. I'll see you in front of Room 42 on the second floor.  Alright, later stud.  -Viv

I was a little jealous of the girls who got bedrooms that faced the ocean part of the palace, and Room 42 was my favorite view, the room never haven been occupied and was left as this empty but well-kept guest room that was still bigger than my apartment back in Bonita. I grew worried though as the minute got closer and closer to 7:49, fearing the inevitable arrival of my guest to the area I had set up on the room’s balcony. I check my watch.

7:45, it’s still too early for him to come around.

7:46, don’t get too desperate. He’ll be here.

7:47, is the food still hot in their happy meal boxes?

7:48, should I have worn something prettier? Were the shorts too short? Maybe I should have left the crocs in my room.

7:49, he should be here. The sun’s starting to set. Oh no, he isn’t here. Maybe he already made his decision and asked Fee or Danielle to…

There’s a knock coming from the door at exactly 7:50 and I don’t waste a second to rush and open it to see Ben do everything I had asked him to except come here on time.

“You’re late.” I point out after giving him a once over. He was in a shirt and a pair of jeans, a sight for sore eyes, something new against the monkey suits I’ve seen him in for the past few months.

“By a minute. I thought I'd be funny but from the look on your face I don't think I am.” He raises a brow, attempting a small smile.

My tone immediately goes dry, “Ha ha, I'm laughing so hard right now.” I roll my eyes at his intentional lateness, huffing a breath out as I grab his hand and lead him through the room, the door shutting from behind us. He follows me through and I look over my shoulder to give him my own smirk- making sure he knew that I wasn’t mad. “At least you weren’t any more late. I was starting to worry that we’d miss it.”

His head tilts, “Miss what?”

“Miss the season premiere of Riverdale.” I joke before turning forward, tugging him towards the doors of the room’s balcony.

“You know there’s a guy who looks like Wyatt on there.” Ben mentions, making me tilt my head at the lack of resemblance with any of the actors on the show but I don’t dwell on making any further comparisons as we soon reach the doors and I open the balcony doors to show him what I had been planning been preparing for the past hour or two.

There was a reason I had asked Ben to meet me at an exact point in time, at this exact location.

It was the sunset, because nothing said stupid romantic moment than watching the sunset along with a blanket and a pile of junk food in the middle of the blanket, and a box of still hot happy meal orders I had picked up earlier. A picnic. 

The sun was dipping back into the horizon of the ocean, the big ball of light, starting to disappear into glinting waters and turning the sky into a burst of blues and oranges. It was beautiful, but I turn my eyes to Ben’s direction to gauge his reaction. Was it too plain?

The small smile on his face contradicted that though, his eyes looking around the balcony before they meet mine. “You’ve certainly outdone yourself.”

“Considering that it took me forever to think about this… thank you.” I manage out a small smile, putting my other hand on his arm, hopeful that this was good enough.

I feel the arm between us, wrap around my waist, the feeling making my stomach do a flip. Why did it do that? He’s done that a dozen times before. My stomach does another flip when I feel him kiss the top of my head, a chuckle escaping me.

“Thank you, small fry. Speaking of which, I think they’re calling my name.” Ben remark before heading over to the direction of one of the happy meals, dropping down to sit on the blanket I set down.

Small fry. I was not that small. I move over to sit across him on the blanket and give him the box I ordered for him, the order already memorized by heart. “I’m pretty sure that you know what’s in this already.”

“I’d be offended if it wasn’t what I thought.” Ben replies as he takes a fry out, throwing one at me before he starts stuffing his face with the rest.

I dodge the dry, grabbing my own fry to toss it at him with a smirk.

“Did you even wash your hands?” I ask as I start eating.

“I don’t see you washing your hands now do I?” his eyes narrow.

That’s where he was wrong. I reach over to the side of the pile and pick up a small bottle of hand sanitizer and wave it in the air, smirking. “I used this a while ago, you heathen.”

“Heathen,” he scoffs. “Alright then, toss it over you clean freak.”

I throw it over to his lap, talking around my mouth. “I’m not a clean freak. I just find the idea of eating with dirty hands unappealing.” I stick my tongue out at him.

“Unappealing.” he snickers.

“Yes, unappealing” I echo back, shaking my head before reaching for one of the sodas and turning my head a little to watch the sun going down. I don’t think I could be as cheesy as wanting to do this with him, or with anyone for that matter. There’s a certain silence between us, focusing on the food for a while before Ben pipes up with a question.

“So. Angeles or Bonita sunsets?”

He asked a question like that, and no matter what I do I feel the memory coming back to me. Coffees and balcony included. And do our sunrises live up to Bonitas? The entire conversation over the different sunsets between the two places makes me feel slightly homesick.

“No place can ever quite compare to your home province.” I reply to a comment made by Ben about him picking the sunset in Angeles.

“Bonita's are beautiful, of course. But their lifeguards are my favorite.” I see him grin from the corner of my eye, and I try not shrug at him.   

“Smooth move, stud.” I chuckle at the comment, shifting slightly to face his direction. “Do you think that line’s really gonna work?”

“I'm extremely confident seeing as we made it this far.” his grin turns slightly more crooked and I try not to smile too much.

I wrinkle my nose in response, still trying to suppress the smile tugging on the corners of my lips at the knowledge that we really did make it far. “And considering where this all started, if I might add.” I finally let go and let myself grin back, and I sigh. “The good old days.”

“Right well these are the better days, Miss Loyola.”

“That’s Lady Loyola, Prince Schreave.” I tilt my head as I eat a fry pointedly.

He quirks his brow up, “I thought that name was off limits.”

“I’m referring to the title, not the name, stud. While I’m here, I’m a Lady.” I snort, “And you're right. That name is still off limits.”

“Even for me?” he bats his eyes at me.

I purse my lips to the side. “Do you honestly want to be dating someone with the name ‘Lady’?”

“I, personally, don’t mind that your name is Lady. I think of you as Viv anyway.”

“Aweeee,” I tilt my head sweetly before dryly saying, “well you don't mind it because you're not the one who has to avoid getting called ‘Lady Lady’.” 

A short laugh escapes Ben. “That’s fair. Forget I mentioned it, dearest small fry.”

I swipe the back of my hand over my forehead, “Consider it forgotten.” I blink blearily for extra effect, looking around disorientedly. “What were we talking about again?”

“Such a comedian,” he laughs again, this time flicking at my hair.

“Comedienne.” I correct before shoving a fry in my mouth. “It’s with an ‘ienne’ like the last letters of my name.”

Ben snorts, throwing a fry at me. “You’re ridiculousienne.”

I try to snort back before feeling the fry hit me in the face and making me chuckle slightly. “Try saying ridiculousienne 10 times. Sounds like a great tongue twister.” 

“I’m not even going to attempt that. Ever.” Ben says as he reaches over for his mcflurry.

“You made the word up,” I say as I continue to go through the remainder of my happy meal, nuggets and all. “I dare you to do it.”

He sighs talking around a bite of his mcflurry, “Fine, but I’m only setting myself up for failure.” Ben swallows before he starts to recite. “Ridiculousienne ridiculousienne ridiculousienne ridiculousienne ridiculousienne ridiclousnkasokdnd.” his words start to jumble up, ending with him making a face and instantly making me start laughing uncontrollably, some of the food I was chewing making me choke slightly.

“Oh my God,” I try to manage out between coughs and wheezes. It wasn’t supposed to be that funny, oh god, it wasn’t supposed to be this funny. “ridiculousienne.” I suddenly fall to my side as I try to contain my laughter.

I can hear Ben’s laughter mixing my own a little before suddenly feeling him poke me. “Stop it, I told you it would be bad.”

I scrunch my face up while laughing- taking a moment for me to sober myself before sitting up again.

“Okay okay okay…” I blink, curling my lips in to avoid laughing. “It wasn’t that bad. It was just… ridiculousienne.” The word was just weirdly funny, so funny that it made me suddenly start laughing again.

“Vivienne.” a small laugh comes from him, making me look up to see his face flush slightly before he suddenly flops back onto a nearby pillow. I move over to hover over him a little, sitting closer to him- still trying to contain myself.

“Benjamin?”

For a moment, he just stares up at me and I’m taken by surprise when I feel his hand reach up to squish my face between his thumb and index finger. “Your cheeks are perfect for this.”

“My cheeks? Really Ben?” I lift a brow up, “Well we can’t all have great bone structure like you.”

“Yes, it is especially fine, isn’t it?” he smirks, feeling the pressure on my cheeks grow a little more before I lose that contact from him, a small travesty.

I reach over to pinch his cheeks in retaliation, smirking down on him. “Actually the whole package is especially fine.”

Ben’s eyes narrow, his face suddenly going red again. “How do you always manage to catch me off guard with your flirting?”

Well…

“I’ll let you in on a secret.” I lean down, making sure to close the space between us. Flirting with Ben was always hilarious, and his reaction to my lips hovering over his was priceless, the sudden bobbing up and down of throat, the look in his eyes. “I just need the right inspiration.” Of course teasing was just part of all of this and I shift slightly so I can place a kiss his cheek.

Nothing was ever as good as the real thing though. I feel him put his hand behind my neck, bringing me and pulling me in for a real kiss, only kissing him back and leaning down even more to cup the sides of his face and I could feel the two of us smile against the kiss before Ben pulls away.

“I’d say you’re also a pretty good motivator.”

I smile down at him as I lean back, “I suppose the combination of insults and compliments might bring out some pretty good results.” I toss a part of my hair back out of habit.

“Ah, the hair toss. What a trademark.”

“As iconic as your smile.” I reply before he reaches out to me and wrap his arms around me and pulling me down to him, making me squeal a little, looking up at him with a laugh. “The one time that I didn’t have to tilt my head up to look at you… ending so quickly.”  

He laughs a bit, “Yes, this giant was eager to feel even more like a giant today.”

A groan escapes me at his smugness, but I can’t help but tuck myself closer to him. “Today of all days!” I jokingly lament. “How selfish of you.”

“I know, I’m absolutely terrible.”

I reach an arm over to hug him a little, my arm barely managing to wrap around his torso. “Terrible, awful, dreadful, atrocious, ghastly,” I look up to him. “Should I continue?”

“By all means. Since I have a walking thesaurus now I should put it to use.” He smirks.

“I consider this a challenge.” I chuckle before racking my brain up for even more synonyms. “Appalling, abhorent, sickening, unpleasant.” Of course I meant none of that, but an idea crosses my mind as I continue to list things down. “Heinously... handsome, agonizingly... sincere, abominably kind, grievously benevolent…”

“Oh my God,” he puts his hand on his face. “Is it your mission in life to make me the most embarrassed person ever?”

“Why would you be embarrassed?” I watch his reaction. “I mean every word of it.”

He glances over to me, pausing for a moment before speaking up with a hint of curiosity. “The good parts right?” he lets out a short chuckle.

“Yes, only the good parts.” I laugh, keeping my arm around him. “All those good parts are synonymous to Ben Schreave.”

I feel him reach up to hold one of my hands, a small smile on his face. “To think I could only get a compliment out of you every week, if that.”

That was true, my compliments were very rare at the beginning of this but somehow, they started to flow more naturally now.

“Oh don't worry, the important thing is that I'm thinking about it when I'm not saying it.” I smile, squeezing his hand. “I just have that prickly reputation to protect.”

Ben shifts, rolling onto his stomach, propping himself on his forearms. “Hmm, so I get thought about often then?”

What? No… “Um…” suddenly the breeze from the ocean could do nothing to save the odd feeling of the heat rushing to my cheeks. I try to reach up to cover my face and formulate an answer. I couldn’t deny it, that’s for sure. I couldn’t because if I did it would seem like I didn’t care.“Not exactly often. Perhaps... moderately?” Nope, that didn’t help me at all.

Ben moves again, taking my hand away from my face, a crooked smile on his face. “You can tell me if it’s more than moderately.”

I huff out a breath. “Okay, maybe it’s more than moderately…” I feel myself flush even more, feeling awkward with admitting that I do, making me try to look away and prop myself up on my elbows.

His hand gently turns my face to face him, gently holding me. “I know you, well we, both have trouble talking about our feelings, but… well if we could keep up the honesty talk I’d appreciate it.” he smiles genuinely but I feel a sudden pang in my stomach. I try to let his words sink in, holding his gaze for a while before sitting up and try to put my feelings into words.

“Then I need you to be honest with me too.” I furrow my brows, “ I don't want anything to be unsaid right now, hard as talking about things could be.”

Like it or not, this could really be my last date with Ben. This could be it, the end and I suddenly flashback to one particular conversation I had shared with my dad on better days between us.  The story of my mom leaving him, a delicate conversation between a 15 year old and her dad.

Ben immediately sits up and nods once, “Okay. Full honesty.”

“Where do we begin?” I cross my legs and tuck them underneath each other, not breaking eye contact with him, huffing another breath out as I run a hand through my hair. “Do you wanna ask each other questions?”

“I think I'd like to know what you ask first before I do. I'm not even sure what I want to say.” the corners of his mouth lift up slightly, as if it was a small reassurance that this conversation was going to end up being good.

“Fine, Lady first.” I slump my shoulders down, not bothering to practice perfect posture right now, not with my mind is so burdened with all these questions in my head, making me look around before settling on a question. “Why did you keep me around even after the whole scandal incident? Even after everyone judged you for keeping me?” 

It hurt me to see people try to hurt Ben because of something I did.The one thing I’ve always tried to be is genuine with him, no matter how unpleasant I really could be. My hands fidget as I listen to him, try to see things through his point of view because a part of me needed to know why, if I really was worth all the trouble to him.

“Because I know you. I like to think I do, at least. Your values have always been with loyalty to others and to who you are. What I've gotten to know is worthy of my trust in you and your character, no matter a less than ideal job. You deserve the benefit of the doubt.”

Everything he says makes me glance down, leaving me touched because I had gained his trust.“I hated that job with the passion of a thousand suns.” I shut my eyes for a moment, trying to avoid any unnecessary flashbacks. “I always had to pretend to like people.” I shake it off, opening my eyes once again and looking up at him. “But trust me when I say that there was no pretending with you.” My lips curl in, “Thank you for believing in me that way.”

“I care about you, Vivienne. I couldn’t do anything else but believe in you.” He says, drawing up his knees to his chest- leaning forward to rest his arms on them. Well, make yourself comfortable because obviously both of you are trying to have a heart to heart.

I nod my head once, tilting my head a little to try and get over the growing lump in my throat, trying to do what he asked and try to express myself. “I care about you a lot. At times, I get scared because I feel like I'm drowning with how much I do.”

There, I dare not break eye contact with him for a few seconds before he glances a way and picks up a happy meal toy and starts fiddling with it. “Drowning, huh?” His words come out in a mutter, as if he was talking to himself.    

“Head reeling, shortness of breath, this feeling of being overwhelmed... feels a lot like drowning.” All of those, I’ve felt whenever I was with him, or even thought of him at times. I blink when I see him look away, and I fear that he may think of this as a bad thing for me. “I've never really felt this way about someone before.”

This is that feeling only matched when I think and try to care for my dad, but vastly different too. It was in a different way, the kind that I just wanted to try and avoid- but now, here: there was no avoiding all of this.

Ben finally turns back to me, “ Ever.” he echoes, as if in question.

I shake my head, my chest feeling like it’s starting to cave in on itself with exposing myself like this. “Never to this extent.” Never with someone I think I could be in love with, and think that it could end up destroying me.

“Which extent?” he quietly asks. That is an excellent question.

“To the extent that I know that if this doesn't end up working out, it's going hurt.” I run my hand through my hair, continuing as I glance down and try to explain things. “And I've seen how bad relationships ending could be, my dad's the perfect example. The first heart attack he had? It was right after my mom left him. The doctors called it stress induced cardiomyopathy. Most know it as broken heart syndrome.” I finally look back up at him. “Seeing that happen to him... it made me want to avoid every situation that could leave me like that.” 

It’s never easy, the thought of having to say good bye to someone you have a relationship with- or if I relented a little, I’d say romantically involved with in good consideration that you’d want to see a future with them. Nobody ever gets their chance to say good bye to their love. Neither my dad. The day my mom had left him, he’d lament to me how all he wanted to say was that he loved her. He still loved my mother to this day, even after she fell out of love with him and left him for someone else. Even when he had his accident, all he could ask me to do while I watched over him was to call mom and tell her that he did.

Would you honestly believe that? The last words he’d ever want to say to my mother, and it was that he loved her.

It makes me wonder, could you still really be in love with the person who hurt you the most? Or is it because you love them the most, that they’re damage on you is the greatest? I believed it was the latter but I hoped to never put myself in the position to get hurt.

But here I was, waiting for an answer and trying to grasp at everything he says for a clue as to what the future ahead.

And it scared me, it scared me too much because I was considering giving up what I dreamed of because there was everything good, everything I couldn’t imagine wanting right in front of me encapsulated into soft brown eyes and an unrelenting smile. And I fall, I fell, and I grew into the lovesick person I didn’t want to be in fear of becoming as weak as my father.

Ben’s quiet for a moment, holding my gaze. “I’d never want to do anything to hurt you like that, Viv.”

I shift a little from where I’m sitting, wrapping my arms around myself and taking a moment to try and believe that, as if Ben’s final decision wouldn’t hurt me, I understood that it would- but I still nod my head. “I know you don't. But we've got to be honest and acknowledge that even the best intentions can leave damage.” I shake my head this time, noticing the sad look on his face.

“The worst part is that I still want to take this risk.” I meet Ben’s eyes, “Or maybe it's the best part.”

It could be the best part, wanting to take this risk. To even think of all of this as a means to an end. I could see it, and what hurts is the possibility of it all not happening.

“I’ve always known you to be a risk taker.” the smallest of smiles hints at his lips, a small bit of humor to relax our minds from how tense this topic could be and for a moment the joke does make me want to smile, but I curl my lips in.

“When it comes to the people I care about the most, I'd take risks for them any day.”

“And I’m part of the most category?” his expression changes again, turning more serious and I sober my own too.

“There's no denying that you are, Ben. Somehow in the time we've spent together, you've somehow managed to find a spot there.”

“You’re incredibly important to me too, you know. Don’t doubt that.”

“I would have never guessed.” I hang my head for a moment, looking at my own fidgeting hands with a hint of a smile.

From the corners of my eyes, I can see Ben smile just a little. “Good.” he says before pausing. “So is this… well I don’t know what this is.” he seems to admit, probably referring to this whole conversation.

“I'm pretty sure you gave it the name ‘honest talk’ earlier.” I reply as a matter of factly before I try to get back to business with him. “Do you have any questions to add to this? This could be your last chance to ask it, stud.”

“I don’t think so. Waiting for what feels like something big.” he says, running a hand through his hair and looking at me.

“Alright,” I breathe out before deciding to flop back onto the blanket and close my eyes, somehow exhausted from all that talking about feelings. “You've got the whole night, stud. That's a lot of time to think.” 

“Um.” Ben stares at me for a while. “I guess the only one on I can come up with is whether or not this reveal is good or bad.”

I turn my head to his direction, tilting my head as I ask, “What reveal?” Reveal that I like him? That wasn’t obvious enough??

“I don’t... I don’t know. I mean, we’ve established we’re important to each other, that we mean something. I can’t think of anything else to say other than- well, I don’t know who I’m picking yet. It’s all complicated.” he sighs, glancing away for a moment.

My brows furrow at the uncertainty he’s showing me, and I suppose this is his way of being honest too. I sit back up again to reach over and place my hand on his arm. “I don't think complicated can really sum up what's going on right now. Everything right now... it feels like we're walking around eggshells. You're afraid. So am I.” I sigh.

“I don’t think I’m afraid actually. More anxious really.” Oh.

“Who wouldn't be? Most 21 year olds don't have this kind of decision to make. So you're anxious and I'm scared. Great combination, if I do say so myself.” 

He chuckles at the joke, “I’m sorry I don’t have more questions. I genuinely don’t know what else to ask.”

“It's alright.” I click my tongue before reaching out for my sundae, a little disappointed that it had already melted but nonetheless opening it to mix the melted soft serve and hot fudge and creating a make-shift milkshake and taking an experimental sip. Surprisingly good. “I think I have a couple of more questions to ask you.”

“I’m ready.” he gives me a crooked smile as he starts cleaning up around him.  

“Do you know what you're looking for at the end of all of this?” I raise a brow up, wondering what his idea of this ending would result to.

“Lots of things. Someone I love deeply and who hopefully feels the same way. Who can also be a great queen for my people because- well it’s not as simple as love.” he makes a face. “Even love isn’t that simple.”

It never was. I nod my head in agreement, another question coming into mind. “Do you think you're already in love with someone here?” 

He immediately pauses, his lips curling in as he turns his focus away, speaking up with an “ I think so. My only dilemma is who.”

“And these last dates are here to help you figure that out?”

“Mostly. And to... give everyone some closure in a way. Or at least try to.”

Closure, what a blessing.

“Yeah, it would have sucked if I didn't get to have a conversation like this with you.” I admit, glancing down for a moment. “Not a lot of people get to have this kind of talk…” They just pack their bags and leave a note on the fridge.

“No, they don't.” Ben says before I feel a hand over mine, tilting his head. “Are those all your questions?”

“For now, yes.” I look up and take his hand in mine. “Thank you for answering them.” I brush my thumb over the back of his hand, managing out a small smile.

“To quote myself and with a signature smile.” He grins. “'happy to do it.'”

I let go of his hand, my face going flat. “Oh my god, you sound like a broken record with that.”

“That was the point.” he smirks and I snort, reaching over to my happy meal to throw a fry at him and his stupid smirk, but find the box empry-deciding to just grab a wrapper and turn it into a little ball before throwing it at him.

He immediately blinks when it hits him in the face. “That's what I get for being so compliant? Rude.”

“You catch onto things very slowly, Ben.” He smirks, “You should have noticed my rudeness a long long time ago.”

“Hey” he throws the paper ball back at me. “I chose to be decent and not point it out until now. I am not slow.”

 ”You're decently slow for someone who loves fast food so much.” I tease before the ball hits me on my shoulder and I pretend to feel the pain of the impact, clutching my shoulder and falling to my side. “Oh! The agony! I've been hit! Go on without me.” 

He snorts before poking my shoulder, “I think I will. And take the oreos with me.”

“I knew it. You were in love with the oreos all along! *points an accusatory finger at him* This is how you leave me for another, injured, broken hearted... Oh the humanity!

I hear the crinkling sound, watching him immediately grab a pack of oreos from the pile of junk and clutching them to his chest. “I won't apologize for having my priorities in order.”

“Oreo sure about your decision?” I look up at him, still on the ground but trying to maintain a challenging expression of my face and try not to laugh at my own joke.

Ben rolls his eyes, “Now I'm 110% sure of my decision. There's really no coming back from that.”

“Thank you.” I joke. “I knew that my humor was really going to win you over.”I tilt my head with a smirk.

“Right right, the puns. That's what it is.” He chuckles.

I point my thumb to the room. “Should I go and start planning everything then?”

“Plan what? More oreo binge eating?” He laughs,

Ben snorts. “Yeah, and I was soooo going to raid the pantry's entire oreo stash.” 

“Not before I get to it. I know all the secret nooks and crannies.”

“Really now?” I hold his gaze for a while, lifting my brow up. “That sounds like a challenge.”

“No challenge.” He narrows his eyes, “My secrets are going to stay my secrets.”

“The ever so honest Ben, keeping secrets?” I gasp as I cover my mouth with my hand in mock shock. “This is a completely new side of you I've yet to see. ”

He smugly replies. “A wonderful, exciting side.”

I tilt my head. “Exciting? Really? Does this side of you come with sarcasm?”

“Every part of me comes with sarcasm.” he gestures to his body before he takes an oreo out of the pack in his hands.

“I still find that hard to believe.” I say as I reach over to pick out the oreo from his hand and pop it into my mouth, smirking at him.

Ben’s jaw suddenly drops before he grabs a blanket and putting it over his head. “No more theft!”

If you listened in well enough, you’d probably hear the distinct sounds of him eating underneath.

“Oh my god, the prince has disappeared! Oh whatever would I do without him now?” I try not to smile at how ridiculous he’s being, but play along anyway.

“You sound like you're talking to a five year old.” he pauses, “And please don't say I'm the five year old or a child of any age.” I hear him eat again.

“Fine,” I snort as I reach over to lift the blanket up to see how he was doing. “You act like a baby, all swaddled up in your blankey.”

He pouts before bringing the blanket over his head. “Let me eat in peace.”

I chuckle, an idea coming into mind as I quietly stand and tiptoe off the balcony and into the empty room, choosing to press my back against the wall by the door- waiting to see how long it would take him to realize I was gone.

After a while and a few more eating sounds, I hear him call out, “I hope you know, wherever you are, that I'm not moving from my oreo safe haven. I'm very comfortable.”

I try to stay quiet, not quite wanting to give away my hiding spot and suppressing a groan with him not playing along.

“I'll wait.” he calls out again after a quiet moment. Well, I guess I’d have to lure him here.

“I'll just be waiting here too.” I slump down, moving to sit on the ground and staying hidden. “I think I'm liking my view better here. Enjoy your special time with your oreos.”

 ”I bet you're staring at your couch or something.” he snickers.

A snort escapes me, “No I’m not,” I pause before adding, looking forward. “I’m staring at the door.”

“Because that's such a great improvement.” Oooo, I can just smell the sarcasm from here.

“It's a-door-able, unlike you.” I prod back at him, bringing my legs to my chest, laughing at the joke and sure that could lure him in.

I hear a scoff and the sound of some rustling a distinct sound of someone starting to walk to the door and my direction. “Alright now we need to share some words.” I can hear him approaching. Bingo. “on how you're absolutely, terribly, completely wro--”

“BOO!” I yell as I stand up and surprise him.

“AH!” He takes a step away from me, putting a hand over his chest with a glare. “You’re mean too.”

I cackle, seeing the look on his face making me laugh hard enough to hold my sides and lean against the wall. “I'm sorry! Oh god, sorry!” I laugh again, “Please continue describing me. Go on. I'm absolutely, terribly, completely…”

“I was going to say wrong but horrid might be another one.” He gives me a flat look.

“Come on.” I laugh, unbothered by the look on his face. “You know you love me.” I snicker. “You just can’t admit it.” I joke, the words leaving too quickly that I don’t realize in time what I had just said.

Ben suddenly blinks at the statement, his face going red before laughing nervously. “Well um, I don’t know about that.”

I look at him, his reaction and well… “Oh.. OH, sorry. I didn't mean it like /that/... or anything. I was kidding.” I try to laugh, coming out more nervous as I feel my own face flush- eye contact wasn’t exactly an option right now, looking down and mutter. “You know you love me... pshhh. I sound stupid.”

He just told you that he didn’t know. Don’t push it, don’t seem desperate.

“No, not so stupid.” Ben mumbles before gulping, a quick silence between us. “I have a question for you.”

I lift my brow up at the nervous expression on his face, nodding my head. “Fire away.”

Please don’t be what I think it could be.

“Do you love me?”

There comes a point in your life when you try to get a grip on yourself when just a couple of words could leave you shaken to the core. My eyes widen at first, the entire world slowing down as I feel my heart start to race. “The one question you ask, and it’s that one.”

I look down. I try to get a grip on myself, I try to- because I couldn’t lie to Ben, even if it means forgetting to protect myself. How do you even answer that question without getting hurt? I don’t want to say it out loud, saying out loud could make everything worse, but Ben… nothing left unsaid. This was it.  

“I've always known that there was a danger to falling in love with someone. Most of the time, I always had a tight grip on that reality…” I try to take a breath, trying to keep myself calm but feeling the nerves catch up to me and my throat. “but I can't let go of everything that's in front of me right now because no matter how many times we joke about ending this, I can't because…” Time to take a page out of dad’s book. I meet his eyes, trying my best to keep every emotion imaginable at bay.

“I do.”

As always, I knew what I wanted. I wanted Ben. I loved him. I wanted all those sunrises, and sunsets, and breakfasts and lunches and dinners with him and this all felt even more stupid the more I think about wanting it and the possibility of that and so much more was actually appealing to someone like me. I wanted to be loved by him too, was that so bad? Was that honestly such a bad thing to want? To be loved in return?

Everything seems to go at slow motion as he blinks a few times, sucking in a breath before he reached for my hand. “I... don’t know what to say other than like earlier, it’s all so complicated. But you feeling that way, it makes me happy alright? Really happy.” He manages out a small crooked smile, his smile doing what little effect it could to soothe the feeling that I had opened a new wound on myself and everything just start spilling one after another.

I squeeze his hand hand once, taking a step towards him. “I know, it's all so complicated. It's complicated for me too.” I furrow my brows as I shake my head- another reality coming into my mind, something tucked away to avoid even more complications. “I know that being with you means going down a certain path. and after considering it for a while, I realized that going down road means giving up the one dream I had been holding on to for the longest time.” 

Ben’s brows knit, “And are... you willing to give up that dream? If it came to that? Even though I’d hate asking you to sacrifice something you love, it’s an unfortunate part of the job.”

“You can't ask me to give it up, I know. In the long run, it really goes through two separate choices.” I feel the pit in my stomach grow as I think about it. Giving up wanting to be a doctor? “Right now, I'm going through two ifs. What if I choose you and you choose me in the end? I let go of being a doctor, I'd always end up feeling the regret of not pursuing it, probably hating myself to a certain degree. If I chose it over you, I'd end up always asking and hating myself what if I stayed with you?”

In the end, I’d be hating myself either way. I end up shaking my head again as I hold his gaze- one sure thought coming into mind. “Just because I have those thoughts /doesn't/ mean you're not worth the sacrifice because,” I huff a breath out. “you are.... but I've already given up so much for other people, Ben.”

There’s a sad look on his face. “I know you have. That's why I'd never want you to do something that felt wrong in your heart, regardless of what I feel. I want you to have the freedom of your own choices.”

I held onto that dream for so long, I’m not quite sure I’d ever let it go. It got me through the worst, knowing that I’d get a better life for me and my dad while doing what I’d want to do- but a possible life with Ben? That’s a chance of living life with the reassurance of having someone there, someone who’d choose to love you. (Hypothetically speaking of course).

“Thank you.” I take a look at him, closing the distance between us and running my hand through my hair. “Everything's been pretty complicated these past few days because of that.” I shake my head once. “ I just needed you to know that... and that other very important thing…” I reach a hand up to run a hand through his dark hair, starting to come to terms with all of this. “if this really is the end.”

He looks to me, staying quiet for a moment. “Are you willing to stay then? For me to decide? Or…” he trails off, not needing to continue the thought since we both had it on our minds.

“I've waited this long Ben. I think you and I have been through a lot.” I move my hand slightly to rest on the nape of his neck, trying to comfort whatever distress was on his mind with a small smile. “I'm staying, and I'll wait to find out what you decide. I think I can trust the feelings that lead you to keep me here.”

I’ll stay for as long as he wants me to be here. If time was going to run out, then so be it. At least I could say I tried.

Ben seems to let go of a breath he was holding, a tired smile on his face. “Okay, that's... good to hear. Thank you, Viv. For everything really.”

“Thank you, too.” I reply, slowly closing the gap between us and giving him a soft kiss. “You don't know how great these past few months have been for me. This was the life I finally got to experience everything I never got to do back home.”

I feel him lean in and kiss my forehead, “That's all I could ever want for you. A life that you wanted and needed.”

I move to lean my head against his chest, wrapping my arms around him. “And I just want you to be happy… as cliche as that really sounds.”

That’s the least we really want for the people we love, happiness, contentment- things that sound easy at first but more difficult than assumed.

“Cliche but always true. Feeling is mutual.” I catch a smile tugging on his lips.

“This is actually the part where I'd usually say, ‘oh god, we're not going to hug now are we?’ but seeing that we already are.”

“Well you are. We'll see if I return the hug.” he smirks down.

“Fine, don't hug me then.” I reply, only squeezing him tighter.

“Losing... oxygen…” he says out in a strangled way, obviously pretending.

“Shhhh, just let a girl hug you a little longer.” I laugh, loosening my hold on him.

He laughs along, finally returning the hug. “That can be arranged.”

“Finally.” I smile smugly, leaning more into him and trying to remember things. There were a lot of little things I’d miss about him, this small little piece of happiness for the past few months. The kisses on the top of my head, like the one he gives me now. Ben’s hair, sometimes softer than it looks, the way he always managed to smell fresh but also as rich as brewed coffee, kisses with the boy who smiled despite everything around him. I both hated and loved how much I grew to care for him this way, because one day I could be forced to stop.

I guess you could really say that I am my father’s daughter. We just loved getting our hearts broken. I could only hope that this story had a happier ending.

[dreadhaus-literature]

{A/N}

I’m still trying to decide if I’m going to aim for a 3rd OC to round out the challenge, tonight. I’m feeling a little dry on the creative front, and 2 out of 3 is respectable.

I’m also trying to teach myself I don’t have to be writing 100% of the time to be productive.

So while I decide whether or not to try and create a 3rd new OC, I figured I’d drink my coffee and come talk about some stuff.

It’s pretty common knowledge that I think a lot. I overthink, a lot. And as I’ve gotten more into fandoms again, I’m seeing the climate around things change from when I was writing for fandoms before. And this isn’t so much a rant about fandoms as it’s me...questioning my writing and if I’ll be okay, putting my stuff out there.

Y’see, we all know Tumblr’s a pretty toxic place, if you’re not in the “THIS IS OKAY TO LIKE” box, you’re gonna get death threats and shamed and...all that fun stuff. And I’ve always existed outside of that box. I like BDSM, necro, cannibalism, etc, and none of that is mainstream or “acceptable” to like. And as I’ve been paying attention and watching and just sort of...putting my ear to the wall (because I don’t participate in shit) it’s left me feeling like I shouldn’t create, because nothing I create is “okay” by the standards of people that are out there.

And it’s weird, because when I was younger I never used to give a shit. I’d write what I wanted and fuck anyone who didn’t like it. But it seems the scales have tipped so far the other way; where before people would just quietly peruse what they like and ignore what they didn’t, I feel like now they make lynch mobs and try to destroy you as a person because omg you like littlespace? How very dare.

It might have something to do with my emotional state, right now. I’m very...I don’t want to say fragile? Not because I have a problem with being fragile but more because I’m just tired, emotionally. I’ve hit this point where I’m just too tired for drama and bullshit because I’m just trying to make it to tomorrow. So the thought of creating something that I like, that I enjoy, and someone coming to scream “THIS IS WRONG AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD” at me just...does not interest me in the slightest.

Even just with creating characters, I was thinking of creating a new monster...because uhm, yaaas, but when I was doing research there’s all these folks barking and screeching about how you can’t create monsters using Native American lore because it’s wrong or how Jewish people own certain myths and you can’t use them and I just...I really didn’t want to get to a point where I’m saying people are too sensitive (because that’s the older people’s battle cry and I think sensitivity is important) but if I want to create a monster based off the wendigo...why can’t I just do that? Why is that so offensive and horrible to a group of people whom I don’t know and don’t know me? I’m not doing it to be shitty. Tbh it’s a form of respect because I think the lore is badass and I want some of that.

It reminds me how I saw a long thread (this was ages ago) about a little white girl who wanted to throw a geisha-inspired tea party and her mom did all this research and reached out to Japanese...people (I don’t recall what they did, officially) and she put on this real authentic party for her daughter and it was really respectful and there were all these people just up in arms about it, calling it appropriation and while I 10000% believe appropriation is a thing, not everything is appropriation. And if we start drawing those sorts of lines, we’re all gonna lose 97% of the shit we enjoy because it belongs to some other race or culture.

So I don’t know. Seeing all this discourse and angry shouting just adds to my “oh my god I’m old and tired” mood because I want to create all sorts of things but I’m terrified that I’m going to create something offensive without realizing it’s offensive???

The monster thing really fucking threw me.

And I know. Folks in the internet don’t own shit and I don’t owe anyone an explanation for the shit that I do. I know I’m coming from a place of respect and just trying to enjoy myself and I shouldn’t feel bad about that--I know all that. Part of my issue with seeing this sort of stuff is because I was raised to not believe my opinion or thoughts or feelings about something is worth a goddamn, which is why people say things and I nod and shut up. I’m still working on it.

Which brings me to something else that’s been tumbling around in my head--think I’m going to take a page out of Beesly’s book and try to be more assertive this year/for the rest of my life. It’s something that I’ve struggled with my whole life, for reasons that I assume are obvious, and I want to...get over that. I realize there’s lots of things I want to do and don’t because I’m too worried about what someone else may say or think or do about it and so I just...don’t. And I wind up regretting my silence or in-action and then I feel bad. And to be clear, I’m not even talking about shitty things. I mean I don’t do small things, like talk about my own likes or interests or even buying certain things because I don’t think I should, because someone else might side-eye or it might bother someone. I have always done this and I still do it and I swear to god even on my own fucking cellphone sometimes I won’t set certain characters as my wallpaper because I don’t feel like I have the right to do it.

I mean how fucking stupid is that.

But it’s a real issue and it keeps me from enjoying simple things that don’t bother anyone. And I realize I have a lot of anger and resentment built up that I need to start working on, and this type of behavior only adds to it. I feel like I have this gluttonous monster that follows me around, and has since I was a kid, and it’s just huge and gross (even for me, lol) and I keep feeding it so it sticks around. And it just keeps getting bigger and bigger and the more I feed it the worse I feel because it’s constantly bothering me.

I just...I’m sure it sounds stupid but I really need my 30′s to be better than my 20′s and this new decade thing, like I either gotta pull the trigger on some change and making my life better...or really pull the trigger and be done with it. I’m stuck in places I don’t like being and I’m sick of coming back to these spaces and saying I’m stuck. How many years am I gonna do that?

Hopefully, no more years, lol.

I just have to teach myself worth, I guess. That’s the root issue of all the stuff I was just talking about. I don’t value myself enough to put my foot down about things or to just openly like something without worrying about what anyone else might think about it--and don’t get me wrong, I’ve always done my own thing and I didn’t care how off-brand it was. I like weird shit and always have; when I say openly liking something I mean not feeling like I don’t belong liking it. And the worth issue applies to my writing, too.

Because circling back to the whole, “you can’t like this because I think it’s wrong,” thing, I was reading a thread a couple days ago about how the main actor in that You show, he goes on Twitter and corrects women who like his character, and of course Tumblr is praising him and saying how you shouldn’t like his character and that behavior is toxic.

And yeah, in real life, it is. And you shouldn’t put up with anything you’re not comfortable with.

But I was reading this and thinking to myself...y’all really can’t separate fantasy from reality anymore. Y’all have just blurred that line to the point where people can’t even enjoy fake shit because you think that means they like it IRL. And it’s fucking nuts.

As someone who has existed in their own fantasy world for 30 years, I can safely say, there’s shit I enjoy in fantasy I wouldn’t IRL. I love super controlling behavior on paper but I wouldn’t be able to deal with it in a real relationship. That shit hits way too close to home--but I have control over it in my head, so it’s perfect. And that’s why fantasy is so important.

Take cannibalism. Could someone cut off my arm and eat it IRL? I mean they could, but...don’t? I need it for things.

But they can in my head, and on paper, and I enjoy reading about it. Experiencing it that way, because it’s the only safe, sane way to experience it.

I fucking love unhinged, crazy characters who are obsessive and possessive to the point of murder and I can’t enjoy that shit IRL but I’m fucking fine to fantasize about it--but everyone is out there tooting their shame horn and I just...let people enjoy things? Like why the fuck are they so pressed.

It’s like sitting down to eat at your table, in your house, with your favorite meal all nicely prepared in front of you. But you happen to look up, and see that across the street, your neighbor is eating some shit you hate. Like you can’t stand what they’re eating. But they’re in their house, and you can’t smell it, and you don’t have to eat it...yet instead of eating your own goddamn meal, you get up from the table, march across the street, and bang on your neighbor’s door to yell at them about some shit you don’t like. How dare they eat something you don’t like?

That’s what it’s like, to me. The shit I like, that I’m into, doesn’t hurt any-fucking-body, because it’s fantasy. But people will scream at the top of their fucking lungs about how it’s gross and nasty and they don’t want to see it (even though they found it, somehow) and because they hate it I’m terrible for liking it. It just...ugh. It’s such an illogical argument.

I don’t like Katy Perry. I think she’s a garbage human being who got famous because she’s “pretty” and pretended to be bisexual for a while but y’know what? I don’t give a shit about her or anyone who likes her. I don’t care, and when I say I don’t care, I mean like it doesn’t affect or bother me that anyone else is into her. She can do her, and they can do them, and I’mma do me.

But it’s borderline impossible for people to stay in their goddamn lane and it’s nuts. Like as a gay woman who grew up watching adults argue about gay marriage I remember thinking, even as a gayby, why do so many straight folks care? Like why do they give a shit who someone else is marrying? But they did. They still do.

And that’s what it reminds me of. That us younger generations love to brag about how we’re more open and progressive than our parents and grandparents and yeah, we don’t lynch people of color or keep the LGBT community closeted but if you enjoy BDSM/littlespace or god forbid ship the wrong characters together you’re probably gonna get death threats and bullied off an internet platform.

So yeah. That’s just been rattling around in my head the past few days, as I’ve been workshopping OC’s and tossing around ideas of what to write about this year. My interests have and always will be counter-culture/alternative and I always anticipate there’s going to be someone who isn’t into what I do. That’s...kinda been my label? Like I’m not “one size fits all”, lol, but beyond all the discourse and stuff it leaves me wondering what sort of audience I’ll even have.

I don’t pretend to be the only one into these sorts of things, I know there’s other weirdos out there and stuff, they’re just sitting quietly amongst all the shouting and screaming, like I am. And I guess if that’s my audience, I’ll take it. I don’t have these big aspirations of necessarily being famous (being rich would be nice because...money worries, lol, I’m way over them) but I always liked Christine’s hustle. She writes (prolifically, good god) for her fans and that’s what she’s happy doing. Doesn’t matter that she isn’t a household name, she’s got devoted fans and that is the kind of fanbase I’d like as an author. I don’t need to be liked by everyone, I just want to write and if I happen to make someone happy, well, mission accomplished.

So in the meantime, just going to keep plugging away at myself, letting 2020 be the year of change and growth. So far it’s been...I mean I think it’s gone well. I’ve finished the first writing challenge I issued myself, so there’s that!

But alas, my coffee cup is empty and it’s time for a refill.

I’ll be back soon, likely to issue and then destroy the next challenge of 2020.