#scary weeks ahead for me folks

[a-very-fond-farewell]

:I

[notallangelsaregood]

My thoughts on Spy x Family Chapter 83

Needless to say, my folks, huge manga spoilers ahead 🌹

Oh, boy, I was totally wrong! He he, but also, I got some things right!

No more guns, thanks, Lord! What was this wait? I was anxious, trying to keep my head off the upcoming update, and It was successful, I relaxed a little bit and BOOM, Sunday came, and I didn't even realize It was chapter's day, until I saw the notification on my smartphone and read it all in 10 seconds (have I mentioned I'm diagnosed with anxiety? No? Okay, yeah).

Now I'm trying to analyze a little bit of this week's chapter with you all while trying to stay sane till the next one, may Endo help us! So, I got a few hypotheses right! Actually, I believe only one 🤣

No revelations yet!

Which is something I'm really grateful for, even though we can not be sure if it will happen in the next chapters, I truly believe it won't. I feel like it's not the moment, the manga is at its peak (so is the anime) gaining a huge amount of notoriety and I don't Believe Endo would rush things, not right now. So I'm glad, I really feel revelations will make the story take a huge turn that we are not quite ready for it. There's so much to happen yet! What is the Garden? Which side is the organization it? What about Westalis? We know nothing. Spy x Family is a huge slow burn, and I'm all in for it.

CAN SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE? OH, WAIT, NO, NEVERMI-

Twillight is the one hurt, I'm surprised, truly. Yuri is quite a soldier, however, the hesitation present there was bigger than Twilight's ability, reflex and advantage (since he was the one pointing the gun first). My heart truly hurts for seeing him injured, I can't even explain. We've grown fond of our Spy, and It's not a nice feeling. At all

I know, I know he will be fine, he can't die or anything (haha, can he?😨) But still, it is making my heart hurts. In need for those "Yor takes care of Loid's wounds" fanfictions, please? Moving on.

See? Our Twilight is a smart guy. He senses his wavering. He knows it is there, but he doesn't understand why. He can't figure that by hurting (or killing) Yuri, he would deeply hurt Yor, and he would not do that. His unconscious is pretty clearly messing up with his conscious mind and decision-making. I doubt he will bring that up to the Handler, but it's possible, since they know each other very well. My guess is that Sylvia will just know. He won't even say a word and she will know.

Yeah, Yuri boy, I would totally be creeped out as well. His ability is outstanding and scary, even.

See? This guy had this major hypothesis (which is right?) figured in like, 5 seconds? He is so bright, Yor is proud as floof as she should. Yes, Yuri, he is someone close to you, someone observing you.

"But that doesn't matter now!" It will surely matter once you find out, but my guess is that he will keep that insight for himself, trying to figure it out on his own, but who knows? It will certainly be on his head, constantly.

Yuri's hair, I'm like 🤣 Our poor boy. Yes, Yuri, Twilight is tough, but so are you! What am I even saying? I don't have a side in this (kinda do). I want both of them not to be involved, never again fighting, for my heart's sake. They are both precious babies I want to keep them protected, but It's not up to us, right, Endo? Humpf...

Oh, well. GOOD THING he will live, Twilight, thank you for your unintentional totally intentional mercy.

I'm

Not okay. Look at his expression. I'm dying. I'm out of breath. Why is Endo like this? I mean, we are in a serious as floof situation, with conflict going on and you drew what? An expression like that which made me burst out laughing at 3 a.m? Dude.

He is a tough boy, I must admit.

Those expressions are killing me. And the worse, I don't know which one is which. That kick must have decreased the chances of a large family lineage for one of them, for sure 🍒 If you know what I mean.

Yuri on his fight mode is scary (not as much, but it is), just like his sister. I believe one of Endo's objectives is to make us scared of the Briar's brothers and damn, boy, yeah. I don't like that "I will kill everything on my way" expression.

This was such on point. I loved it, I mean, his floofing daughter is being raised by Yor, so I would consider it a huge plus. Besides, he is thinking of her consciously right now. It's not his unconscious, unknown feelings and thoughts. He is rationalizing and that's major.

Yeah, that resilience is not even NORMAL anymore. Mama Yor, can you pick me up? I'm scared 😨

Oh, well, okay, that's expected. Poor Yuri is going to be so hurt after this. I'm wondering if Yor will know about his or Twilight's injuries, she is not as bright as his brother, but she can think about it later, can't she? I wonder If Yuri will visit her while recovering. The tension in the air if Loid is also on this meeting. Damn. This was so much better than a revelation or a simply hurt Twilight. This growing tension makes things so much better (and torturing).

He is such a good brother.

And this expression right here is a Twilight on Twilight Conflicted Mode. Yeah, I just made that up, but he is clearly conflicted, may be in pain and not getting understanding a single thought coming from his mind. Only focused on getting out of there, leaving that behind.

Okay, from this part on I understood ✨ nothing ✨

My reasoning is not that nice and I should be sleeping right now, but I can't due to anxiety, so bear with me, please.

Yes, it did! WISE is the best, haha, wha-

Okay, she is also incredible smart, yada yada, I don't want to write about Fiona. Let's move on!

Damn, folks. Theories? My brain is jello. I can't even function due to the last of sleep, but here I am. Make sure to talk to me in the comments, I really appreciate it. Sorry for any misspelling or typos. Be sure to leave a beautiful kudo and talk to me about what you think will happen next!

I'm certainly less nervous about it, our last chapter was very open to where this one would go, and I'm glad of two things, mainly

No time skip! It started right where it was left.

Our boys are fine! Yuri will be fine. Thank you, Endo!

I miss our girls so much, and Bond boy! 😭

[daisiesandgiggles]

Just wanted to say, I hope you have a wonderful week, take each day as it comes, there will be good times and bad times. Know that there will always be good times and there are people out there willing to help if you need it, you just need to ask. Don't forget to be awesome and thanks for sharing your journey.

Good morning Sweet Shades. Waking up to this made me smile, because I am having a procedure this morning in a few hours. I know the road ahead of me is going to be long and scary and as things progress I am going to be blogging about my journey so I hope you will stick around. If you know me, then you know it will be raw and real, but also I gotta keep bringin the smiles and laughter around here.....cause that's just how I roll. On that note this smiles for you shades.Thanks for your kind words

To all you Grammar Nazis's out there, who like to troll and get off on making fun of folks...

YES I know my words may be mispelled at times and my punctuation off, but please give a girl a break. My vision has been effected, hence the reason I have had to give up my themes. If I could have one wish today it would be more kindness in the world. Extend your fellow man a hand instead of knocking them down.

Be like Shades👆

Xoxo,❤️🌼

#me #Daisiesandgiggles #what a sweet soul# Happy girl🙂❤️

[thelaurenshippen]

Hey, I've got a question about Breaker Whiskey, but I firstly also wanted to say that I've been following your work since I somehow stumbled upon Bridgewater and really enjoy your fictional podcasts as well as Dashboard Diaries very much. I don't have as much irl friends who share my fangirl/tumblr side so it's a really nice to have you to listen to. My question is (if you'd be willing to share) wether the storyline of Breaker Whiskey is already entirely mapped out, maybe even written completely, or if it's more a story that develops over time and you don't know yet how many episodes it'll be? I just keep wondering bc of the slow pace of it, which I really enjoy!

hello!! thank you so much for listening to all those shows!! it means the world to me <3 I especially really understand the struggle of not having irl fandom friends - it took me years to find folks who were as unhinged as I am.

GREAT question about Breaker Whiskey - the answer is a little yes, a little no. part of why I wanted to write it in the first place is because I really missed the experience of writing @thebrightsessions - I had a broad idea of where I wanted that story to go, but it morphed as we went along and building the track as the train was barreling forward was really scary but creatively rewarding. so there has definitely been intentional blank spaces left for myself in writing BW.

there are a few things I knew right from the start:

I want to do the show for a year (260 episodes) and in that year, I will be the only voice

the show is ultimately about the relationship between whiskey and harry, even as the larger plot takes place

I've honed in on details since but I knew what whiskey and harry were doing when "The Incident" happened and I knew what the big event was and what it wasn't

there aren't going to be substantial answers for the first six months

very early on, I knew what I wanted the last few episodes of that 260 run to be, and that has largely stayed the same. I know vaguely the "ending" I'm headed toward, even if I'm not positive it will end after 260

some of these things have shifted a little as I've written and received the listener messages (which have been some of the morse messages and have nudged the plot in interesting directions), but the slow pace was really the point, so I'm so glad you're enjoying it! it's hard. it's hard not to rush ahead and hard to feel some listeners' frustrations around the pace (which I get!). but I miss filler episodes. I miss 22 episode seasons. I miss character development happening over 8 seasons. I miss having to wait week to week, year to year, to see stories move forward. @breakerwhiskey is all of that to the extreme.

so, god, classic me, I've barely answered your question--in short, it will be at least 260 episodes, I actually have the rest of those episodes very broadly outlined, and beyond that...I have absolutely NO idea. it is pretty time consuming to do, and it's all free work, so I'm not sure I'd be able to sustain it forever, but I do like the idea of doing it for a while!

I hope this answered your question and thanks for asking!

[chemicallywrit]

Happy Audio Drama Sunday! What a delightful and spooky Halloween week. As usual, this list is not comprehensive, but this is what stood out to me this week. Some spoilers ahead, in the shape of vibes~

🩸Hemophobia did NOT disappoint. My word. The strange disconnected way the story was told; the fact that the sermons were more coherent and clear than the action; the Extremely Teenage Teens. Man. I cannot wait to listen to this next episode.

🦀 THE SILT VERSES. Every day I think about Faulkner. The person he is. The apostle and the fool. Jeez louise. I can’t tell if he’ll save the faith or obliterate it and take everyone down with him. @thesiltverses

🌊 Modes of Thought In Anterran Literature - is that Felix Trench??? On the one hand, hearing a familiar voice does break the immersion a little, like the most unnerving part of this show is how real it feels; on the other hand, Felix did such a good job, the immersion break didn’t last long. This new character sucks, i love him.

👻 Palimpsest!!!! New palimpsest!!!! Easily one of my favorite single-narrator shows, and this one is set in the 1920s, which is one of my favorite historical periods. They’re also very good at a horrible subtle twist, so I can’t wait to hear more about this ghost.

😈 Kakos Industries is literally always good, but I really feel for Corin being like “PLEASE leave me alone on Halloween.” Man, this show is funny. Why isn’t it more popular. Please listen to Kakos Industries. They’re on hiatus, there’s no better time to catch up. @kakosindustries

🍔 Mayfair Watcher’s Society always knows how to get to me. It’s like, the absolute corruption of the Normal into something horrific and wretched is the point of the show, especially when it’s something you always suspected was messed up. Like a fast food job. I shudder.

🌲HALLOWOODS JEEZ. Mx Wellman did in fact try to kill me. I survived. I WISH SOME OTHER FOLKS HAD. @hellofromthehallowoods

❄️ Red Valley. Man alive. One of the things I love about this show is how there are no real heroes, but this season from the POV of the villains—the architects of the apocalypse, in a lot of ways. Creeps. It’s delicious. Today’s episode, watching Clive finally reaping what he sowed, was absolutely glorious. @redvalleypod

🦷 Welcome to Night Vale - HOBOY. Idk if the return of Kevin is going to be a plot point, but it’s the perfect idea for a Halloween ep. Chilling work as always, Kev! It’s also fun to listen to him seethe about his loss of power.

🅿️ Podcube is always a delightful treat, but this week had a fantastic little bit of sound design, which I’m told is this sound designer’s first attempt at such a thing. He did a great job! I love this show, everyone listen to PodCube. @podcube

👑 Malevolent: We’re Back To The Horrors. I’m honestly relieved. Arthur having friends and family is so scary, I keep waiting for something horrible to happen to them. And now something has! Which is not to say more terrible things won’t happen, but i feel like the other shoe has dropped. This is not a criticism at all, Harlan is so good at this.

🌞 I finished Fall of the House of Sunshine this week and…it made me cry? This goof goof show made me CRY? It really is just You Make Your Own Meaning The Musical, isn’t it? If this show had to have a moral, then “even if all you can do is something small, it matters” is a pretty good one. The fact that there was a moral at all is pretty miraculous. I’m going to go listen to the soundtrack a million times now.

🧛🏻‍♂️ Re: Dracula is coming to an end in just a few days and here is a secret: i haven’t heard these last few eps yet. Tal and Stephen finished working on them while I was in the thrall of New Job, so I get to hear their excellent sound work new with you. I am so excited for the final showdown, let’s GO. @re-dracula

🧟‍♀️ The Dead premiered this week! Go subscribe to it, it’s about to get REAL WEIRD. We did some table reads for the next story this weekend (and we have one more today!) and if you think zombies on a plane are scary…

Go check it out!

Now that all is well on the job front, I hope to get back to recording Inn Between soon, because I Want It To Exist. If you want to help us out or you just like what I got up to today, please drop by my ko-fi!

[abra-ka-dammit]

Going in to the vet ER every day for over a week has really shone light on how many different.... kinds of pet owners there are

and im almost kind of mad to find out i am not the most common kind. not gonna lie. bc i feel like i should be.

theres the ones who come in and sit there and bitch and leave because the triage system determined that their pet is in stable enough condition that the docs need to focus on more critical ones ahead of it and waiting is too much of a hassle despite whatever concern originally brought them to an emergency vet. the my dog ate a grape and was puking all morning and twitching and acting very strange but i dont want to wait TWO HOURS for them to be able to do the testing needed to make sure she puked all of the poison out of her system and wont like, get organ failure or some other invisible issue for it, bc she "seems fine now", so instead i'm going home. these ones piss me off, and are common.

theres the ones who come in to the emergency room with their nice pet in its nice carrier and then look at the front desk clerk like theyre abso-fucking-lutely insane when they ask them if they'd like to consent to CPR in case of cardiac arrest while under ER care, and fervently shake their head and say no, for a CAT? no, no, no... i'm not paying to give CPR to an animal. That's ridiculous. these ones piss me off, and are very common.

and there's ones like the lady and gentleman i sat by today. the lady who had clearly been crying, saw my carrier as I sat, and immediately asked about my pet. Who looked at me with big, sad eyes when I told her the story of what happened to Bojji, and who with a shaky voice told me the vets here are so compassionate, how she was so scared coming in today that she was going to have to put down her 15 year old dog, because its behavior had been so abrupt and scary (seems suddenly her left legs just, wouldnt work?), but they took the dog in immediately and comforted her. She was so shook and the stoic, silent-type man with her (husband, I presume,) was sort of sympathetically frowning and gently patting her arm or leg and i was like. oh, no. i see what kind you are. you're me. so LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT HOW GREAT THE DOCTORS HERE ARE. so i got to gush about how much the vets there clearly love the pets they care for and how they worked with me and explained everything every step of the way to make sure i can get bojji to the finish line bc they want to see the happy ending just as much as we do, and i got to see hope shine in this poor lady's eyes even before the doc finally came out. they told them their doggy was stable and scans arent showing any injuries or growths like cancer so its very likely doggo is suffering some temporal lobe issues--frustrating, likely due to old age, but can be helped out with treatment, and is nothing to be put to sleep over, certainly. the lady was so relieved, and even her husband seemed to perk up once their lil doggy was back in their arms. these types i adore and wish there were more of. before the doc came out we had talked a while about old pets, other folks pets, etc, and it was just clear the both of them adored this dog like she was their whole world and would do whatever it took to make sure she could continue her long, happy life. like pet owners should.

then a lady came in who had witnessed an untagged-but-collared dog get hit and run by a car by the side of a freeway out in nowhere lands and risked getting in trouble with state troopers for stopping on the side of the road to help it. said doggo was alive and even had her head up when riding the gurney in. despite the tagless collar the dog wasnt chipped so had no proof of ownership and was taken in as a stray, and the kind person who brought her in left with hope in her heart of seeing that doggo later on the humane society's website alive and ready to be adopted to a loving home. i, who had to sit there longer while awaiting the return of my cat whose tubes were being drained, had to deal with gaining the heart breaking knowledge that said doggo won't be making it to the humane society at all. after overhearing doctors in the back mention something being "entirely shattered", after which the listening party looked especially grim, I daresay the surgical intervention this dog likely needs is not going to have a financial backing of any sort thanks to being a "stray". i guess at least that woman's kindness means in her final moments, that doggy won't be in pain, rather than slowly dying alone and cold down in the ditch she had tumbled into after the hit. i hate that its all that woman's kindness would amount to. i hate that some person didnt even put a fucking tag with a goddamned phone number on their dog's collar. you're gonna make me go to bed tonight knowing that poor helpless dog had a fucking careless owner who let her get as far astray as a freeway, who cared enough to mark her as property but not enough to take fucking responsibility for said property, and that she needlessly experienced massive painful physical trauma and is dying tonight at a depressingly young age because the people who had her in hands and could have saved her had nobody to ask permission to do so to. do you even know she's gone? do you even care?

if i ever meet that kind of pet owner, i dont make any promises i would be able to stay civil

[occasionallythreeowls]

RULES: list 8 tv shows to get to know me better!

Thank you @americanhooligans and @storytellervan!

Yellowjackets: I mean. Yeah. Pretty obvious I'm into this right now. You give me a story about complicated, kind of awful women, fucked up woods, surreal hallucinations/dreams, body horror, unreliable narrators, and a portrayal of the effects of trauma that isn't glib or exploitative, AND there are lesbians? And you expect me to say no? Come on.

The Twilight Zone (Original Series): I love a good anthology, and who can say no to The Twilight Zone? Even if the premise for an episode is incredibly silly, the earnest execution always makes it a good time. Some favorite episodes: "I Shot an Arrow Into the Air", "The Shelter", "The Masks", "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street."

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: I watched this between high school and college, and I loved every campy, earnest, silly, surprisingly dark moment (for the most part. Some of the writing choices are, uh. Questionable. But I won't get into that). It makes me miss that kind of campy monster-of-the-week show that we hardly ever get anymore. Also. Faith.

Star Trek The Next Generation: I watched this recently with my sibling and it was my first real exposure to anything Star Trek. I really loved the ensemble cast and the writers' clear love for digging into sci-fi concepts and tropes, however weird and obscure, and avoiding simple answers to complicated questions.

BIGTOP BURGER: This one kind of feels like cheating, because it's not technically a TV show, it's a web series. But it's a quick surreal animated comedy with a stacked cast and some really fun visuals. Ayo Edebiri plays a theater kid who tries to blow up a food truck with a cannon. It's good.

Midnight Mass: I have mixed feelings about this one to be honest. But, it's got great cinematography and acting, some genuinely scary moments, a really compelling portrayal of an isolated, dying community, and a fresh take on vampires. Give it a watch if you don't mind monologuing.

Survivor: ...Okay, look. LOOK. Sometimes you're channel surfing as a kid and you stumble upon a show where a bunch of strangers in the wilderness take part in intricate rituals to determine who is in the in-group and who is expendable and it awakens something in you. This show was a guilty pleasure for me when I was younger, but I stopped watching after it got too gimmicky for my taste. But we'll always have Micronesia.

Bill Nye the Science Guy: Speaking of shows that changed me as a kid: I credit this show with sparking my lifelong love of science and making me deeply curious about the world. I have fond memories of popping in a VHS on momentum or dinosaurs or eyeballs and just being entranced by the power of SCIENCE! Good shit.

Honorable mentions: Derry Girls, The Good Place, Russian Doll, Squid Game, Black Mirror

I'll go ahead and tag some folks if they'd like to do this:

@thunderon

@lilmisssammy

@yourfavouritedoll

@prodigaldaughteralice

Thanks again!

[kalamity-jayne]

egg here (ex egg?? pretty sure im a trans woman but getting past the societal bullshit is hard so its complicated) thanks for providing a safe haven for eggs, how do you handle explaining transness to people you care about? it feels so scary to approach it

Hi Anon,

Thank you so much for reaching out. I am always happy to take a lil time out of my day to help an egg or as the case may be former egg. Regarding the question of how to handle explaining transness to people I would say it really depends on who you're explaining it to and what you hope they'll take away with from the conversation. If it's a situation where you're having to do trans 101 there are many guides out there (like this for example)that you can use to build script for yourself. I also just recommend listening/reading how other trans folks break down transgender 101. Perhaps you're not looking to do trans 101 but are trying to convey what it feels like to be trans in which case you'd simply speak from the heart about your own experiences, or maybe your trying to explain what being trans means to you and the community, perhaps your trying explain transness as you come out to someone, perhaps an amalgam of several of these, or some other facet of the trans experience. So please follow up with more details if you're looking for a kind of script to launch from or examples.

But even more important than what to say is how to assert and protect yourself. Some of the following advice is applicable to pretty much any conversation you might have with a cis person about anything transgender. These conversations can feel like a minefield especially if you haven't had a lot of practice and the resulting anxiety can take the form of many different kinds of fear: fear of not being believed, fear of being rejected by the other person, fear that your attempt at an explanation will be challenged or dismissed, etc etc If you interrogate the fears you have, understand them inside and out, they'll be less likely to hold you back or trip you up and you'll know how to prepare. If you know the people really well, say they're your parents, you can probably predict and anticipate how they'll react which again will keep you relatively safe from being hurt because you saw the hit coming and were ready for it. Maybe you're 100 percent certain the conversation wont have a desirable outcome, in which case trust your gut if it's telling you it's safer to leave it alone.

The most important thing is figuring out the shape of your boundaries and asserting them without flinching. Know your triggers and who's really good at getting under your skin, and plan out what you're going to say to assert your boundary ahead of time. For example: Whenever I talk to my parents they inevitably want to discuss the trans news of the day and let's be real, that news is usually very unpleasant and as soon as I'm done talking to them I tend to spin out in emotional distress because their attempts at virtue signaling are a reminder of how they rejected me as a nascently trans teenager. So now whenever my parents try to discuss trans issues I try to shut them down by saying, "I don't want to talk about that stuff with you cause I see it and live it everyday." Last week, my parents tried to face time me at a time while I was working. I made the mistake of taking the call and because I was distracted I didn't enforce the boundary and I get hurt pretty bad. It pays to a be disciplined at enforcing your boundaries.

That brings me to the next aspect of being prepared. Set your self up for success. Don't attempt these conversations when you're not in the right headspace for them. Don't have the conversation at a time/place when/where you'll be dristracted (like a busy street corner or when you're trying to work) and remove any distractions that maybe present or come up (be sure to silence your phone and consider asking the people you're talking to to do the same. TV on in the background? Turn that shit off!) Make sure you're comfortable and do whatever you have to to reduce the pressure of the situation.

If you can I recommend having an ally there with you. Let's say you're coming out to one of your friends and you're unsure of how they'll react, but you've got another friend you're already out to and they're supportive, or lets you say you have to have conversation with a family member about respecting your pronouns and you've got a sibling you're really close with and they're already in your corner; bring these people along to back you up. They will probably not even have to say or do anything because their mere presence will provide the confidence you need.

And the last and very critical piece of advice. Reach out to whoever your closest confidant is to talk about the conversation and process it, especially if it went poorly. Maybe even let your Bestie know ahead of time that you're going to have a potentially difficult conversation and may need their support afterward. Do not downplay how you might be feeling out of a misplaced concern that you'd be bothering your friend. This is what friends are for and the worst that happens is they have too call you back later. True friends will never be bothered or put out by a call for support. Real friends will be happy that you reached out to them for help.

I hope this advice is of help to you. Please reach out again if you have more questions or wish to discuss the topic further. Best of luck to you Anon and no matter how your next conversation about transness goes, know that each time it gets easier, even when the people you talk to try to make it harder it still gets easier.

❤️ Mother Calamity ❤️

[whatsinanalashead]

Episode 4 -- A Grand Rising

“Woot, woot! We are back, avid listeners! Yuki and Ana here with the fourth weekly episode of ‘What’s in Anala’s Head?!’ Now before we start, I have to ask for any of our curious listeners left wondering after last week, did you end up settling your little conflict, Ana?” ~ Yuki

“Unfortunately, it’s still a work in progress, but I haven’t forgotten. I’m glad I learned a bit more about myself through this series, and it seems like that won’t change with today’s discussion.” ~ Ana

“That totally warms my heart, dude! You love to see it! Check out the artwork we’ll be discussing today, listeners! It’s very striking, I must say. Perhaps my best work… leaves a tear in my eye!” ~ Yuki

“Don’t get too ahead of yourself there, Yuki. Today’s art is a Phoenix rising from its ashes. When I had this dream, the creature surrounded me in flames. But unlike the second dream we talked about, these fires didn’t harm me. Nope, they felt warm and comfortable. Like I was secure in this creature’s embrace.” ~ Ana

“How awe-inspiring! Looks like we’ll have a shorter discussion here, folks! Ana, you look like you already have this figured out, so I leave it to you!” ~ Yuki

“Thanks! Well, in terms of spirituality, the Phoenix represents hope, rebirth, and transformation. So, I like to think this dream, more like my mind, is telling me what to look forward to in my future. I’m going to become a new version of myself, but at the same time, I’m always going to be who I already was. The warmth is telling me that change doesn’t have to be scary; I should welcome it with open arms.” ~ Ana

“Then that doesn’t sound like your future. Maybe it’s been your present self as is. You’re already making big moves, Anala.” ~ Yuki

“H-Huh? I… I guess I am. Wow. Yukimi, I…” ~ Ana

“Before this gets too sappy, let’s wrap up this episode, listeners! Share your thoughts, but keep in mind the next episode will be our very last iteration of the show!” ~ Yuki “We’ll see you then, listeners. Keep on dreaming!” ~ Ana

[studioahead]

Curator Spotlight: Lawrence Rinder

One of the joys of writing this journal is not just talking to creative people across Northern California, but visiting them. Recently we spent an amazing day with Lawrence Rinder at his ranch in Ukiah. The ranch is what you might expect from a curator known for exhilarating (and sometimes controversial) exhibitions—we were surprised at every turn. Weeks later, we're still not sure what our favorite part was: Linder's hospitality, the collaborate quilt project done on a Travis Meinholf loom (the "Johnny Appleseed of loom makers" according to our host), or the fact that hidden away in the Ukiah valley is a small artistic paradise. But we’ll let the pictures do the talking. And Rinder, who is as eloquent as ever.

Studio AHEAD: What brought you to Ukiah?

Lawrence Rinder: Back in the 90s, when I was a curator at the Berkeley Art Museum and Pacific Film Archive, I used to take weekend trips to the country. One of my favorite places to go was Orr Hot Springs. I came to believe that the hills around Orr Springs Road are one of the most beautiful places in the world. So, when a property came up for sale, right across from the hot springs, I looked into buying it. That place was unaffordable, but it started me on a search for a little piece of land to own. About seven years later, in 2004, I was sitting at my desk at the Whitney Museum in New York when an email arrived from the agent I’d been working with in Ukiah. She’d sent just a few photos of the McNab Ranch property, but her message was clear: this is the place you’ve been looking for and, if you want it, you have to make a full-price offer today. So, I did. A few months later, I left the Whitney and moved back to California to live at the top of this wonderful mountain.

SA: The ranch has become a creative hub of sorts for visiting artists. Does the creative activity at the ranch intersect with your work as a curator?

LR: When I first got the place, it was meant to be a refuge, a place to heal after all the craziness of New York. I spent a year up here more or less alone. That was a big change for me, living so remotely. At first it was a little scary. I really had no idea about how to do anything. And I was afraid of monsters at night, LOL Then I met my partner, Colter, and that helped. But what really brought the place to life and gave it much of the character it has today is a result of inviting two artists to come visit: Jesse Schlesinger and David Wilson. I met Jesse when he was an undergrad at CCA and I was director of the Wattis Institute. For the graduation exhibition, he had installed a little pavilion made of wood that he called The Sun House. I asked him if I could buy it and have installed up here in Ukiah. Jesse set it up in a beautiful corner of the property that we call the Sacred Grove. That piece woke up for me the idea that this could be a place for art.

David Wilson arrived at about the same time. He had been organizing amazing festivals, at places like Angel Island and Tilden Park. He’d invite artists, musicians, craft people, all kinds of wonderful folks and the thing would just sort of happen organically over many hours, sometimes even over several days. So, Colter and I invited him to do something like that up here. Liz Harris performed at night while people were arriving, and you could hear her trippy sounds all across the valley. Paul Clipson screened films on a sheet that had been hung up in the forest. Jerome Waag cooked an enormous paella and roasted a whole wild boar underground for a whole day and night. Gautam Ganeshan performed a morning raga. And so much more. People camped in various spots all over the property. We did a few more of those, and I came to enjoy the feeling of having people around and loved how inspired folks were by the land.

So, we started to have people come up for informal creative residencies. Basically, anyone who asked could come, for as long as they wanted. Sometimes, we didn’t even know who would be up here when we arrived for the weekend. It was a wonderful balance to the more regimented outcome-based administrative work I was doing at BAMPFA, where I had returned as director in 2008.  We even built a few more spaces for people to live during their time here: the Forest House, Garden House, and Studio. Now, thanks to Nobuto Suga, we also have a barn with a lovely upstairs writing studio/sleeping loft.

SA: The entire set up is stunning One of our favorites was Paul Discoe-designed “peasant house,” which got us thinking about the role of architecture in curating an exhibition.

LR: The Paul Discoe house was designed, in the style of a ninth-century Japanese farmer’s house (with a few nods to modern times like glass windows and a metal roof), to serve as a little schoolhouse. It has a library, a classroom, and a bedroom for the visiting teacher. Since COVID, it’s been more used a guest house, but I hope we get back to having classes there again soon. The house was initially built as a class project with a group of fifteen people including Colter, Jay Nelson, Andria Lessler, Kanoa Zimmerman, Terri Loewenthal and others. Jesse Schlesinger was the project director. Paul taught every aspect of designing and building in the traditional Japanese manner. They spent the first two months sharpening their tools! Ultimately, the project took six years and involved over two hundred people, basically everyone who came to visit during that time leant a hand in some way or other. Some of the classes we have had in the building are contemporary dance (with Marie Blaise), Japanese woodcarving, flamenco, and conversational Spanish.

As it happened the period of working on the Discoe house coincided almost exactly with my work on the new BAMPFA building, designed by Diller, Scofidio + Renfro. During the week I’d be conceptualizing visitor flow, gallery dimensions, and HVAC systems; and on the weekend, I’d be stomping clay for our TsuchiKabe walls. It was a good balance, mental and physical ways of building. Each project was designed with very different creative aims. BAMPFA was made intentionally non-linear, with a variety of spaces, and occasional bright colored walls to inspire attention and surprise. The Discoe house was made without plumbing or electricity so it would be completely silent and calm, with windows placed to limit direct light, and every element handmade with care to inspire thoughtfulness and loving awareness. Each building was intended to be an engine of creativity, but in very different contexts, one urban-academic and the other for small gatherings in a natural setting.

SA: We love how, even in your leisure time, you are still thinking, interacting with art and artists. What is one exhibition of yours that you feel was misunderstood or did not get enough attention?

LR: So many! Haha. Some of the artists whose work I showed who I wish had been more appreciated include Rina Kimche, Rudolf de Crignis, and Irwin Kremen. Look them up! As for exhibitions, I think BitStreams, which I did at the Whitney in 2001 and which explored the impact of digital technology on art in various media was under-appreciated at the time and, because there was no catalog, has had virtually no afterlife.

SA: You have published a novel and write poetry, and curation and literature have sometimes intersected for you—a few years ago you did an exhibition on Theresa Hak Kyung Cha's Dictee in relation to her other work. Was curating this more challenging in that it was more textually rather than visually based? Personally, I love literary exhibition, but they are rare and feel different.

LR: The thing about Theresa Cha’s work is that it is textual AND visual. Her use of text is informed by concrete poetry, in which the appearance of the words themselves is part of the meaning and affect of the text. Even in her book Dictee, the arrangement of the words on each page is considered visually. Another wonderful example of her profoundly visual approach to text is her contribution to Apparatus, the fantastic anthology of French film theory that Theresa edited. As Theresa wrote, her aim was to find language “before it is born on the tip of the tongue.” She was interested in that shadowy, liminal space of consciousness on the edge of awareness. I adore her work. It is so limitless and resonant.

Another text project I worked on which I remember fondly was with Larry Eigner, a remarkable poet who lived in Berkeley. I worked with him to inscribe one of his poems on the enormous concrete walls of the old BAMPFA building on Bancroft Way. The poem wrapped around the building, using each facet of the façade like a page in a book. It was wonderful.

SA: Finally, tell us an exhibition you’d love to do but have not.

LR: I’d love to do an exhibition of work by the Dutch artist Hercules Segers. I might even come out of retirement for that!

Photos by Ekaterina Izmestieva

[thedovahcat]

Gorillas and Impending Rough Starts

Well registration for classes finally came and went for me, and I was able to get everything I needed for the Fall semester signed up and all that jazz for.

That was until I noticed the OUT OF STATE STUDENT tag that’s still on my name.

I knew I was cutting it close truth be told. The timing of our move out here was back in August and that’s always when school starts, so I was hoping maybe I’d just be able to inch past the ‘you’ve lived here for one year’ date and get that In-State Student pricing.

Sadly that was not the case. And will not BE the case until at least November.

This distressing fact left me with two options: start later (spring 2024) or take only a limited number of classes just to hold my place and so I’m not wasting TOO much time.

Opting for the ‘save my place’ option right now, though the mark up for ‘Out of State Students’ is completely ridiculous. As expected. We all know colleges are gatekeepy and scammy as shit, but that’s the world we live in.

So I guess the unsavory part in this is I’ll be taking one of my higher level big girl programming classes this semester after all, at a community college as planned. But I’ll sure be paying for it. The pricing is about 2,000 for a 4 credit hour class, and thank God dad was nice enough and is going to go halfers on me with it, just because he really doesn’t want me to get like...I don’t know, kicked off the Fall roster list or whatever it is colleges do, you know? Once November comes and goes this year though I’ll have enough documentation to prove I’ve been living here for at LEAST a year.

So, that was the big hole in my boat this week on Monday. It was an upstart that I think I knew deep down was likely going to happen, but I got so caught up in studying and fantasizing about FAFSA and scholarships just paying my way through- It’s really never like... hit me, you know? That college is extremely unaffordable for some folks.

I was really lucky in that I had college funds from when I was a kid. My parents saved up for me to do community college the first go around when I was 18, and I did. I got my degree and in the end it turns out, while it was useful in securing me my cemetary job, and I did learn a lot... All in all I feel like I wasted my potential on an art degree. Not to knock art degrees of course. This is just from my personal experience of having been on that side of the tracks. So I think my opinion is more valid if anything else.

The art route didn’t work for me. Now I’m going back to get something more practical. But without a job, and with me being too highly qualified for almost all retail jobs (it sure sucks when you get rejection after rejection because you know your own worth), I’m seeing now that however this path is going to be ahead of me?

It may not be smooth. It may not be easy.

Getting into debt is one of my top fears and so far up until now (and even still right now, cuz I haven’t spent all my savings yet), I’ve managed to stay out of it. I own my own car, bought it used and in cash, I had a regular job and was living at home (still paying rent and utilities of course) but I was still able to save a good nest egg.

I still am more fortunate than a lot of people. And I don’t necessarily know how this road ends. My parents can’t pay for college for me, and I can’t pay the whole ride through so I’ll need to heavily lean on my grades to make me look good. And I’ll need to do plenty of study on my own of course to ensure that happens.

It’s... Pretty scary. Even at age 29. I don’t think it ever really stops being scary tbh. But... I mean, at the end of this I hope that there’s something good waiting for me. Comfort, security, a healthy work/life balance or something like that to where I’m not a slave to my job because I have the ability to CHOOSE not to be...

I really, really hope that I will get to experience that. Don’t we all? I don’t know how I feel right now though, I guess is what I’m trying to say. Scared, hopeful, battling with pessimistic and optimistic outlooks, I feel alone in this like, this is for real this time. No more do-overs after this. This is the last chance to try and improve myself. I feel like I squandered that opportunity when I was 18, but, really now, I’m not going to blame an 18 year old for not knowing what the hell the world was going to turn into. Sheesh.

Paying for this one fall semester’s going to be a big ouchie but, it’ll only be the one time at least. I wish I had it in me to wait until Spring but, I feel like I’ve already wasted enough time. And honestly, 1k is a drop in the bucket when you lean back and look at your life as a whole. Obviously I’m not going to recklessly get in debt, and at least try to be strategic about it, but still. It’s very nerve wracking.

The commissions have stopped coming in, I’m trying everything I can think of to drum up some more money but nothing’s really sticking against the wall sadly. And, really I expected it. This is the way the art world is, it comes and it goes. It’s not stable, and sometimes you won’t land a bite for months. Possibly longer. I once thought I had it in me to stick it out as a starving commission-based artist, but, I’m finding I really don’t. It’s a very hard gig to keep up, and I don’t improve quickly enough to where I’m able to secure a lasting audience.

AND.... honestly? It’s never been something I’ve wanted. I don’t find value in being popular. Yeah sure it’s nice for the cash and such, but... I dunno. It just doesn’t line up for me personally.

And then you have the whole bit about the job I had and how I was hardly being paid anything, because anybody could do my work. You didn’t need to be talented to have a company consider you an artist. It was NICE if you were, or you had the know how, but it wasn’t required. And the pay reflected on that. Plus, considering how much corporate crap was constantly going on... I know I’m worth way more than that.

This whole ride about wanting a Bachelor’s and such too has been more of a.. I want something good for -me-. Because -I- want it. Type thing. Like a self care thing, I don’t know? I’ve always wanted a Bachelor’s and I’ve always felt like I was too dumb or too unmotivated or lazy to be able to obtain one. Like I didn’t deserve it or something.

But my god after studying for the math test for a couple months the way I did, and scoring so high on it, that really renewed the self confidence I know I -can- have (and do have with certain things.) I feel like finally I’m starting to shape up and grow into becoming a real adult. Albeit late, I’m what, fucking, 29 now? I’ve always been a late bloomer though with everything. And really, a lot of things you are ‘supposed to have already done as an adult’ is all subjective. I need to stop letting it bother me as much as it does.

I’ve wrenched myself off the video games (not entirely! but by a lot), I’ve been focused more on independent studies, or if I’m not doing that I’m trying to figure out how to earn some extra bucks here and there. I feel like my form of escapism has been lost and suddenly I’m locked out here in the real world, unable to properly escape reality as I have done since I was a child. I can no longer ignore important things, because no one will take care of them for me. I can’t just lie here and expect circumstances to chance, I have to get up and do something different. Do I still want to give up sometimes and just lay in bed, maybe for the rest of forever?

Hell yes I do.

But I won’t. That part of me will not let me. I won’t allow it. I will make something out of it. I’m terrified of failing... but, it will have felt worse if I didn’t try at all. And yes, things might not always be ideal, and things may get very difficult. I think I’m just going round and round in circles, psyching myself out... But what can ya do?

Just gotta keep going.

[lone-wolf-no-more]

The World is a Scary Place...You Can Handle It!

Friday, March 10th, 2023 [Day 13]

Still easing in to riding the bicycle. Don’t feel too keen on riding on these streets, even on the sidewalk. Too many blind spots at street intersections and driveways. Hopefully I can get over to the bike trail sometime soon. As it is, the nearest connection to it is just over a mile away, and that’s a mile with parts that don’t even have sidewalks for me to go on. Drivers are a bit delirious and crazy around here at times, so I’m so sure about venturing out that far, even if I was capable of it.

Spent a good amount of time today both with refining the trading plan, and watching more videos on trading. Another conclusion I’ve arrived at with that: less is more. I cannot approach it with a 9 to 5 mentality, and expect that the more I stare at the charts, the more I will make. Nope. It doesn’t work that way. It’s more like, there are certain days of the week, and certain times of those days that will work the best for me, and I will focus on them exclusively. Because there is one thing I keep hearing from other traders who are way ahead of me: the best traders trade less, and just stay consistent and disciplined. And an extension of that idea is that the most successful people are really good at a few things, or even just one. And not only that, but they get more and more selective within their own field of work or entrepreneurship (and life in general) about what deals they go after, what friendships and connections they choose to make, and circling back to what I was saying before, what’s really important to them. And that last one (what’s really important) helps drive their decision about all the other stuff in that list.

Inwardly, I’ve been trying to stop and catch myself when I do the “It’s been___months/years since I did this/saw this/talked to this person/this happened”, because I know that’s most likely coming from that negative “looking backwards” mentality. Because honestly, at this point in my life, basically freaking anybody in my position would agree I have more than enough discomfort and restlessness concerning my current position and circumstances to motivate me to change things ASAP without also unnecessarily (yet again) tapping into pain from the past. I don’t know why my brain insists on being so obsessed about dates and how much time has passed, or whatever, but it’s honestly getting very...old. Wow, our concept of time (whatever time is, we don’t really know), is so prevalent in the way we talk, isn’t it?

Especially after what took place yesterday, I’ve implemented a practice for when I go to sleep. No matter how tired I feel, I will at least feed my brain some positivty before going to sleep (espeically with my hyper-active, vivid dream creating brain) by at least just saying words with the positive feelings and future I want to have. So, let’s say I’m too tired to say something like, “Why am I so positive and enthusiastic about the future?”, or “Why are my thoughts and dreams so positive and pleasant [or peaceful], hopeful and happy?”, I’ll just say, “Happiness...Hope...Positivity...Peace...Prosperity...Healing...Hope...Creativity...Calm.” See what I’m doing there? It’s quite simple. I choose words that are easy to remember that are what I want my thoughts and dreams to be while I’m sleeping and in bed, and choosing pairs that are both synonyms and have the first letter. This makes it easy for my brain to remember them and chain them together.

Also been more seriously thinking about how ticked off I am about all the lies mainstream media is giving us, and how it’s been hurting folks, most especially children (hello “emergency use, experimental” gene therapy). And I’ve been wondering how do I do what I love, and make the impact I want, without “getting canceled”, basically. Like, it makes no sense to get all obsessed over fictional worlds and characters (or even real people who I look up to) and how heroes make a difference and stand up for the weak, and those who can’t speak for themselves, and just live life on the sidelines, collecting money and personal trophies, so to speak. Yet another thing I need to give more serious thought before too long.

Toodaloo...

[nayarainchapters]

DIVING DEEP INTO THE UNKNOWN - DREAMS: PART I

You guys don’t know it, but my mother has had prophetic dreams.

Besides that, I’ve been describing myself as a dreamer for a very long time. Mommy said to me a few times I have my head in the clouds - Nayara vive no mundo da lua.

With mommy powers and my huge imagination, I feel like I should explore this realm. It is vast and magical, so why not?

The question is: How am I going to explore my dreams?

I remember I watched a video on lucid dreams a while ago and I thought: maybe it is a good idea to start with that. The guy followed a guide to have lucid dreams in 30 days (Video here - it’s in portuguese) and I decided to use the application instructions of the book and see how it goes. 

You can read about the first part of my experince in the next section.

MY EXPERIENCE PART I: Week One - Waking up to your dreams

Day 1 and 2: Dream recall. 

The main goal for day 1 and 2 was to remember my dreams the next day. 

I didn’t remember many details, nor the story. I only have a few pieces of the puzzle, so I can’t describe them here. Even if I could, I wouldn’t, cause??? It’s not relevant. 

The authors of the book suggest us to give our dreams titles while we are recalling and writing about them on our Dream Journal. Here they are:

The dream 1: Me in a farm

The dream 2: Flowers on Mary’s street

Day 3: Temple of dreams

The authors discuss the importance of a good place to sleep and about dream incubation. Basically dream incubation refers to the influence of images and thoughts on our dreams; we sort of manipulate our brain to create a dream about what we want. 

My goals for this day were to keep my room organized and clean and create symbols related to the topic I wanted to dream about - understand a past relationship.

The dream: Games - nothing related to my past relationship.

Day 4: Vision Quest

The goal is to use the incubation technique to gain more influence over my dreams. In order to do that, I needed to reflect on a  creative problem - the article I am writing - and spend sometime thinking about it. The next thing was to pick an object that reminds me of the issue and at night, before sleep, I needed to affirm that I was going to find a solution to my problem in my dreams. 

The dream: Back to school. Meaning: Organize and plan ahead.

Day 5: Life is but a dream

I can influence my dreams, but I can’t control them yet. The exercise for this day was to choose a location reminiscent of past dreams and go there, paying attention to the details. While I am there, watching people doing their stuff I had to say to myself that everybody there has dreams, reflecting on this quote and noticing possible dream images in the area.

No dreams.

Day 6: Dream rehearsal

The goal was to create and act like a dream while I was awake. Starting right after I wake up, acting as if I was going to sleep. Focusing on the feeling of a dream, in other words, doing something I wouldn’t normally do - wearing a special dress to get some bread, for example. Durind the experience I should ask myself if I was dreaming or not and say to myself “Yes, I am dreaming”. By the end of the day affirm that I will be aware of everything in my dreams.

I didn’t do what I had to do. Nothing dream like on this tuesday. I failed on this exercise.

The dream: The only thing I remember about this dream was Jason Momoa in it :D

Day 7: Edge of consciousness

The idea is to explore the negative and unpleasant images in my dreams. I also failed on this exercise, not completely, but I didn’t follow the tasks the authors suggested . 

The dream: Loki is free. It was a bit scary but I didn’t have any control during the dream. 

And that is all for week one, folks.

References

Experiência Flamino: COMO TER SONHOS LÚCIDOS EM 30 DIAS | MINHA EXPERIÊNCIA . Available here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmBsb8oXx5c&t=1783s

Lucid Dreams in 30 days: The creative sleep program by  Keith Harary and Pamela Weintraub. 

[peanutpinet]

Yuta as a cold yet soft mafia boss

Prompt: 99) “You think prison is the worst place you could go? You pull some shit like that again and I’ll have you thrown in places that’ll make prison seem like a wet fucking dream.” from 100 Dialogue Prompts for Mob Boss AU

A/N: just like the Jeno fic, I've always wanted to do a Yuta fanfic and it wasn't until I saw this writing prompt that I'm like, this feels like something Yuta would say.

Warnings: probably some cursing since it's Yuta XD

Now, we all know how cold and scary Yuta looks when in fact he's a big softie. Which is probably one of the reasons why you fall for him; because of how soft whipped he is with you and the rest of NCT.

Like the boy is very much whipped for you that he would even have time to ask you 'have you eaten', 'what are you up to' while being on a mission. The boys also like to tease him about it, even WayV (who we all know are slightly terrified of him)

Would definitely take you out on a date every now and then if he can. A/N: Kay, hold up, we're getting a bit ahead. I forgot to tell you how y'all met XD

So, it was a school night (well, you're in college); and you were quite stress with your final assignment that you decided to go to the nearest convenience store to grab some coffee and snacks to pull an all-nighter.

You wore an oversize hoodie and some sweats (cause comfort is key) and was walking through the snack aisle, about to grab (your favourite snack) when another hand was about to reach for it (ehem, Yuta, ehem)

Despite wanting to grab the snack, you insist the tall, handsome man to have it instead (even if you were wondering how a guy like him like your fave snack). But the man insist you take the snack; which led to the both of you having a little debate and eventually the man took the snack, paid for it but gave it to you, saying that you needed it more

"Take it. Finals are tough and you need the little boost to keep you going. Also, don't worry so much about the result. What matters is you did your best, mkay? See you around kid" the man lectured, giving you a slight smile before leaving with his own coffee

After he left, it took you a while to process what just happened before going back to your dorm and continue your final assignment

But oh how the universe like to bring people together ;)

It was right after your finals and you and your friends decided to have some drink at a nearby bar since you guys were curious and have never experienced the bar aura.

You weren't much of a drinker despite your amazing tolerance in alcohol so you were rather confused what to order until a familiar sound came.

"She'll have the orange-mango crush" a familiar voice stated

Turning around, you saw the same man you bumped into at the convenience store almost 2 weeks ago but this time, he looked way more put together and even wore a suit. Lowkey, your mind was starting to wander around and thinking whether there was going to be a fight or some sort or if this was that typical mafia story you secretly read.

"Didn't think you'd be the type to come to a bar on a school night. You done with your finals kid?" the man asked

"I, uhh, yea. Wait!! What do you mean the type to come to a bar?" you stuttered; not aware that your friends were staring at the both of you

"Don't worry, I don't mean it like it's a bad thing. People do what they want. Who am I to judge. Anyways, you ladies enjoy your night. If there's any problem, don't hesitate to let me, the bartender or the guards know. Also, the drink is on the house" the man winked at you and your friends, giving a slight wave before leaving

Cue your friends immediately plastering you with all sorts of question. Wondering how you met a handsome hunk in the midst of your finals. Not to mention, that handsome hunk even remembers you. Cue you becoming a blushing mess; especially after the bartender came with the drink the man requested for you.

Though you were worried that the drink was spiked, you gave a little sip and it was all fruity and delicious. Mental note to yourself: not only is he good-looking, kind but also has good taste in food; great, just great.

The rest of the night went fairly nice. You and your friends were sipping on your drinks, having a nice chit-chat bout life in general, catching up since you guys were not in the same classes. Once the clock hit 1 am, you figured that it was time to head back to your dorm.

Since you decided to wait for your friends who were calling an uber to head back to their homes since they live near your college. Whilst waiting, you told your friends that you were going to go to the bathroom for a bit.

Right when you came out of the bathroom, a random man tried to hit on you and it made you very uncomfortable that you eventually hit the wall behind you. But luckily, a certain someone came and save the day ;)

"Oi. Hands off the girl. Looks like someone is new to my bar since I don't accept any sort of make-out if there's no consent between two parties. Scram before I make you" your saviour growled, making the man leave you alone

"Are you alright?" the man asked while you were catching your breath

"Yeah. Yea, I am. Thank you again. Uh..." you mumbled

"What is it? Are you sure you're alright?" the man questioned, worried in his tone

"It's just, you've basically helped me twice and I still have yet to know your name" you chuckled, making the man chuckle as well

"If that's really what you want. I'm Yuta" the man called Yuta chuckled

"Thank you, Yuta. I appreciate it" you thanked him, giving him a genuine smile; not knowing what that smile does to Yuta's heart

And folks, that was just the beginning of your relationship. Ever since that night, Yuta made it his goal to get to know you more before actually asking you in a relationship; which, when the time came and Yuta asked you, without thinking twice, you said yes.

Throughout your relationship, Yuta was pretty blunt in telling you what he does as a living and mentioned that while he may live a dangerous life, he still had morals and his job was actually putting down all the bad people hiding in the shadows.

Despite all, you trusted Yuta and he also trusted you. You still had your freedom and was allowed to go wherever with whoever you wanted as long as you told Yuta beforehand. Even throughout your near one year anniversary, both of you knew each other's friend group and you even get to see how soft Yuta was when it comes to his mates.

However, all those sweet moments you both felt like a dream the second Yuta heard news that you were captured by some lowlife gang that NCT made go broke. Hearing the news, it was only a matter of minutes before the whole NCT used their network to find you and create a well thought out plan to get you back.

Once Yuta got you back, he made sure you were alright whilst the other members lock the gang up in their basement. Yuta made sure that you had no injuries; which, if you do, he would tend them himself and if he can't then he'll have someone come but stay by you until you were alright or, until you fell asleep.

After tucking you into bed and making sure you were fast asleep. Yuta peck your forehead for a moment before quietly sneaking off the bed and out of his room, going down to the basement and confronting the gang with some of the other members.

“You think prison is the worst place you could go? You pull some shit like that again and I’ll have you thrown in places that’ll make prison seem like a wet fucking dream. Now, which one of you nutjobs came up with the idea in the first place?!" Yuta growled, smirking once he saw the gang cower in fear

A/N: hope you guys enjoy this Yuta fic that came out of nowhere XD and hope you all stay safe and healthy :) xoxo

[vulpixen]

Birds Fly

Summary: Wendy makes a visit to her late mother she’d neglected to do over the summer, but now she has the time and reminisce the moments she had with her and her memory.

TW: Death mention

Author’s Note: This is a story I’ve been wanting to tell for a long time since developing my interpretation of Wendy’s mother, of whom I named Bethany Hickok Corduroy. It’s something close to home for me and it was a good way to cope and find closure. Hope you all enjoy this read here. 

_________________________________________________

It was a cool September weekend in Gravity when Wendy decided she was going to make a visit now that she had the free time again to do so. Wendy put on her helmet and got on her bike and rode down the dirt road of her home and into town. Wendy was in no rush to get there as she waved at friends and folks while passing them by. Ever since what happened in Gravity Falls all those weeks ago, she felt closer all of them somehow.

Wendy wasn’t going to be visiting any of her friends today, but somewhere she had been to multiple times with her group of friends. But she didn’t visit her while she was there. Wendy smiled up at the sign when she arrived at Gravity Falls Cemetery. She didn’t have to let Mr. and Mrs. Valentino why she was visiting; the couple always knew where she would be. Wendy strolled down the path with her hands in her pockets, passing by tombstones of the deceased as she thought back to those old memories she had long come to terms with. They were of her and her mother and the times they spent together when she was with her.

Wendy would arrive at the grave where her mother rests. She was visibly glad the ground wasn’t disturbed, a good sign that her mom didn’t rise again as a zombie like some of the others have done recently. She hoped it stayed that way.

“Hey, Mom…” Wendy sat down, right next to her mother’s tombstone. “I have a lot to tell you about what happened over the summer. And the new friends I made, too. You would have loved them. Their names are Dipper and Mabel.” Wendy knew her mom couldn’t respond back, but she could always feel her presence in a sense, and that was enough.

Ten years prior…

 Five-year old Wendy was walking in the woods, but she wasn’t alone as she held onto her mother’s hand beside her. Bethany Linda Corduroy loved taking walks in the woods whenever she wasn’t working or too busy with Wendy’s younger brothers to have these moments with her first and only daughter. Bethany was a taller than the average woman at six feet two inches, having had long braided red hair that reached her hips, black and white plaid coat over her grey top depicting a white wolf, brown steel-toe boots, and green pants with a wolf face belt buckle.

Bethany smiled at her daughter fondly as she talked about the strange and wonderful things she found while strolling the woods. She spoke with a warm voice in her normal midwestern accent that got Wendy’s attention.

“You see, Wendy, if you go into the woods and look, you may just find something amazing, beautiful, or even dangerous. Not to say it’s bad, but it’s a good sign you may have gotten too close.” Bethany pointed at the scar on her chin and one on her freckled face. “I know I had my fair share of close calls, jellybean.” Wendy giggled.

“Did ya fight any monsters? Because I wanna learn how to fight!”

“To defend myself, yes. But I didn’t go picking fights I know I would get me in more trouble.” Bethany ruffled Wendy’s hair. “And don’t worry, jellybean, I have plenty to teach you. There’s no rush.” Bethany knew the first thing she wanted to show her daughter. “Speaking of not rushing, we have to be careful here. We need to be quiet to not spook ‘em.” Wendy’s eyes lit up.

“There’s a monster ahead of us? Is it scary?”

“I want to let you see for yourself.”

Bethany led Wendy to the river and pointed at the first creature they spotted. A plaidypus with a few offspring staying close to her and swimming. They were like the average platypi, but these ones had striped patterns that resembled flannel wear and come in different colors. The mother was green, while her pups were red, blue, and green respectively. And smelled like maple syrup. Wendy’s eyes lit up and grinned ear to ear as she witnessed these creatures.

“Oh my gosh!” Wendy exclaimed in a quieter tone. “Mama, they are so cute! And they look like what we all wear at home.” Wendy would find this shocking as she concluded, her excitement turning to dismay. “Um, Mama… do people hunt them for their fur that makes flannel clothes that you, Daddy and work friends like to wear?” Bethany frowned, knowing the answer to her question. She knelt to her height.

“Let me reassure they try not to harm them when collecting their fur. Lumber folk know how to treat creatures like these ones with distance and respect.” This consoled Wendy’s worry as smiled.

“That’s good. I don’t want to see these little guys hurt.”

“Neither do I. Why I want to protect animals and magical creatures alike however I can.” Wendy hugged her mom’s arm.

“I think you’re doing a good job, Mama.” It meant a lot to Bethany to hear that.

Later at the Corduroy residence…

Bethany held up her youngest son Gus in her arms while in the living room.

“How’s my youngest boy?” Little Gus giggled as tots do. She would see her older two boys Marcus and Kevin together scurrying in tow.

“Mama! Mama!” Marcus and Kevin chanted in unison as the two go up to hug her legs.

“Can’t forget about Marcus and Kevin!” Bethany would slowly move her legs, pretending she was a giant. “Oh no! The tiny men are slowing me down! Rawrh!” Bethany shuffled over to the couch and sat down with her boys laughing in delight of the game. Wendy came into the living room with a plastic sword.

“I’ll save the giant from the tiny men!” Wendy lightly bonked her brother’s heads, and they all laugh. “Bonk! Bonk! Bonk!”

Suddenly, that booming voice they all know and gotten used to came in que.

“FAMILY, FOOD IS COOKED!”

“Yay!” all the kids cheered and raced to the dining room to eat. Bethany would follow and join her family.

Bethany helped her kids get in their respective seats and set the table. And when Dan appeared with the cooked meal of ham and other fixings, she would go and kiss her husband’s lips and help him.

“Thanks for cooking dinner tonight, Danny.” Dan’s face was flushed with red; he still stammered his words sometimes when talking to his wife she was captivating.

“Always, S-Sunflower.”

It was one of those good moments in Wendy’s time with her mom she cherished to this day. Bethany was everything a good mother should be in her eyes. But Wendy knew her mom was still a human being with her flaws and her moments of weakness.

Three years later…

 “Fuck…” Bethany cursed under her breath as she was being carried by Dan in his arms. She couldn’t walk without limping from the injuries she sustained from the incident at the lake against a poacher she caught trying to catch a siren. The poacher was dealt with and won’t be harming anyone on her watch.

“Beth, you need to rest up, okay, and take medicine. Doctor’s orders,” Dan fretted as they approached their home.

“I know… I know. He had it coming…” Bethany groaned, holding her side.

“You should have called for help.” Bethany shot a glare at him.

“Had it covered, but at least Tate got to me in time.” Dan frowned at his stubborn wife and stopped where he stood.

“I’m serious, it could have been worse. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t around. You know you’re still sick…” Bethany’s eyes trailed away from his and towards the ground. “I know how much this means to you but think of us back home.” Bethany choked in response but mustered to speak.

“I know but… I just want to keep going.” Bethany’s eyes welled up with tears, having hated to feel helpless in this matter.

The two were unaware that Wendy was right behind them and heard everything. It broke her young heart.

What would come next would be the worst thing to have ever happened to Wendy and her family. Wendy cupped her mouth, not wanting them to hear her crying.

Two years later…

 A ten-year old Wendy curled herself against the tombstone where her mother lied beneath the ground and sobbed quietly. Visitors didn’t want to disturb her as they understood clearly what she and her family lost. Everything changed at home, and she hated being there seeing her dad shut down and her brothers in melancholy. It was all too much.

Bethany’s absence wasn’t just felt in the Corduroy family, but to those who knew and loved her as a cherished friend and neighbor who grew to fit right in the sleepy town when she arrived in Gravity Falls as a child from Arizona. Bethany was also nosy, mostly out of boredom, in wanting to know the many secrets of the town and its people as a way to give her something to do. But she ended up finding something truly special. A sense of belonging.

Wendy sniffled once she was done shedding all the tears she could and sat up to sit besides her mother’s grave. She took slow, composing breathes. She rose her head up to the sound of walking approaching her. Her reddened eyes see it was her dad and younger brothers who were looking for her.

“Hey, hun. Mind if we sit here, too?” Wendy would nod slowly at her family as they joined in sitting with her. Dan let out a deep breath and face his daughter with apologetic eyes. He felt awful for not having been as active as he should be since Bethany’s passing and wanted to do right by his kids. He gathered all four of them in a strong hug, but not too tightly.

“I’m sorry I took off without telling you, Dad…” Dan would respond without the yell in his tone, something he only reserved when times were serious and somber.

“No, hun, I get it. I had a feeling you’d be here. I miss her, too. So much… But we’ll get through this together, okay? As a family.” Wendy could only nod a response, feeling the tears come back again. Wendy had no idea what the future has in store for her and her family, but they won’t be alone.

Present day…

Wendy laughed while recalling the funnier times she had during the summer she spent in Gravity Falls.

“Then we watched Mabel dance some jig with her pig Waddles and it was a blast!” Wendy let out a sigh after her laughter toned down. “It feels good talking to you again, Mom. Now, I have boring homework and school, but I think some normalcy is appreciated after all that’s happened.” Wendy’s eyes go wide upon hearing a familiar laugh that she knew only her mother would make.

Wendy turned to see a figure under the tree that grew near Bethany’s grave. It was none other than Bethany’s spirit that came into view. Wendy would recognize her mother’s face, hair, the clothes, scar and laugh. Wendy’s expression turned from shock to elation as she runs up to the spirit.

Bethany had her arms opened wide and embraced Wendy into a hug that gave the teenage girl warmth. She would smile and give Wendy’s forehead a kiss. But as quick as she came, she fades away, leaving Wendy alone once again.

But Wendy was content with this, knowing her mom is at peace as she is, too.

[montrealmadison]

keep me in mind

for @omgcpanniversaryweek day 5: updates/extras/arcs 

i was thinking about how much money i would personally pay ngozi to release any more information about what happened in madison and it made me want to post something i’ve been playing around with since i first read the comic! a love letter to sunshine boys, my home state of georgia, and jack “knock knock who’s there oh shit it’s my feelings” zimmermann.

this is inspired by all the writers who have tackled summer in madison (one of my favorite zimbits eras to read about in fic; it’s about the yearning!!!) and especially by @parvuls, whose fic right as things grow i reread about once a week.

They’re doing a cool eighty-five miles an hour down Interstate 20, which is a pretty inconvenient time for Jack to realize that he is just insanely turned on by watching Bitty drive.

He can’t quite pin down what’s driving him crazy. Maybe it’s the way Bitty’s hair catches the midmorning light and turns to gold. Maybe it’s the deep tan, the freckles that are sprinkled over the tops of his shoulders and the bridge of his nose. Maybe it’s the warmth Jack can feel radiating off his sun-heated skin, the muscles standing out in his forearms, the way the corner of his mouth turns up gently at Jack every time they make eye contact in the rearview mirror.

Or maybe it’s the way he sings with joyful abandon, voice soaring out the windows of his beat-up blue Chevy truck. Bitty’s always had a pleasant voice, strong and high and clear, that’s familiar to anyone who’s ever stepped foot in the Haus. Here, though, it’s a little rougher, a lot more country. He’s clearly in his element, keeping steady time with the palms of his hands on the truck’s steering wheel.

Speaking of Bitty’s hands, Jack can’t stop looking at them. They seem to be everywhere: turning the radio up, making sure Jack’s comfortable with the A/C, changing gears in a way that speaks to years of practice driving stick shifts. Jack, who’s never driven anything but an automatic, resolves to ask Bitty for a lesson sometime… just in case.

(It’s definitely not because he’s a little too interested in the way Bitty’s long, sure fingers flex against the gear shift. Or the way his thighs tense and then relax when he pops the clutch. Nope, definitely not.)

Georgia suits Bitty, Jack thinks to himself. He’s beyond beautiful here, lit up from the inside, like he’s captured a little of the blazing sunshine overhead to keep all for himself. The heat of the day has settled over the two of them, smothering Jack’s racing thoughts about all the ways today could potentially go wrong. He suddenly finds he can’t bring himself to worry much about anything when he’s got the chance to just sit back and observe Bitty on his home turf.

They don’t talk much for the first few miles out past the airport—mostly just You doin’ okay? and Yeah, I’m good, Bittle, and then a largely companionable silence. There’s definitely a sense that what lies unsaid between them might currently be too big for the cab of this truck, roomy though it might be, and Jack spends probably too long working through ways to organically bring up the topic. But as they leave 285 and the Atlanta skyline behind for the long, straight stretch of I-20 ahead of them, Bitty reaches over and casually covers one of Jack’s hands with his own.

“I’m real glad you’re here, Jack,” he says, soft, a little tentative. Even though Bitty’s got his eyes fixed on the road, Jack can tell there’s light in them; he thrills at the thought of maybe having put it there. “It means a lot to me that you came.”

Jack curls his fingers around Bitty’s, hoping to God that his palms aren’t too sweaty. He’s gratified when Bitty glances over and smiles at him. “Wouldn’t have missed it. I really wanted to see you. And your parents were so nice to invite me.”

Bitty laughs brightly. Joy, simple and uncomplicated, begins unspooling itself in Jack’s chest, where he’s kept it close to his heart through a whole summer of texting and calling and wanting. He can’t believe he gets to do this, gets to have this. He just has to be brave enough to try.

He looks at Bitty, at home here in the summer sun, and thinks that maybe, just maybe, he can be.

“Oh, honey,” Bitty is saying, oblivious to Jack’s thoughts, “I don’t know if nice sums it up. I thought my mama was gonna kill me if I didn’t make good on my promise and get you down here somehow. She’s been dyin’ to see you—not to mention cook for you—for weeks. Coach, too, I think, but at least he’s a little less threatening about it. Also, I’m thinkin’ we gotta try to get you sayin’ y’all by the end of this weekend, it’s so much more efficient—”

Jack could listen to Bitty talk all day. He likes the way his accent compresses some words but elongates the vowels, turning his sentences into an easy drawl. The accent’s pretty strong at Samwell, but here it almost sounds like he’s speaking a different language entirely.

He wants to feel Bitty’s lips forming those sounds against his own, wonders if it’ll feel as soft and comforting as it is to listen to. He’s so caught up in how attracted he is to the sound of that voice, in fact, that he almost doesn’t realize Bitty is still talking to him.

“...and then I told my Aunt Judy that that poor boy’s cornbread just ain’t quite done in the middle, bless him, and that he should just put those silly fears aside so he can come on over and meet you while you’re here because I really don’t think you’re as scary as you pretend to be, anyway, and—oh, Jack, I’m so sorry, I’m prattlin’ on and you haven’t even met none of these folks yet! Am I boring you?”

“No!” Jack says immediately, and maybe it’s a little blunt but he doesn’t know how to soften his next words so he just plows ahead. “I just, um. Uh. Was thinking about how I’d really like to kiss you right now.”

Bitty pauses—blinks—presses one freckled hand over his mouth—and then smiles impossibly wide, and, well, that’s about it for Jack’s heart. He thinks it shouldn’t be possible for the human body to contain so much joy, but both of them are sitting there and Bitty’s eyes are sparkling when they meet Jack’s in the rearview mirror and the happiness fizzing up through Jack’s ribcage simply can’t be stopped.

“That can probably be arranged, Mr. Zimmermann, if you can control yourself long enough for me to get off this highway.”

Jack, adrenaline thrilling in his chest, nevertheless makes a show of clasping his hands firmly in his lap.

“I’m on my best behavior, promise,” he says solemnly.

“You are the limit, Jack Laurent,” Bitty says, but he reaches over again and takes one of Jack’s hands and squeezes, hard. An acknowledgment, a promise, a choice. This is something. We have something precious here.

Jack squeezes back, looking out the window, trying to spot the exit sign that will get them off this highway and on to whatever else this weekend has in store.