#sbdc vent: bpd

[sbdcvents]

Starting to think this whole college thing really isn’t for me. It feels like my whole life has stalled already.

[sbdcvents]

I feel like the worst human being on planet earth. I’m getting mad at everyone. For no reason. And I truly feel like I exist just to be an accessory for other people. Like I could just not exist and nothing would change. Honestly people would probably even be happier because I wouldn’t be there dragging down the mood all the time or being mean to everyone who has different opinions than me. I don’t want to be here anymore.

[sbdcvents]

I was doing so good

I was doing amazing and now I want to fucking kill myself

I want to delete every trace of myself from the earth and start over so no one will be disappointed

[sbdcvents]

So close to impulse quitting my job because I went from being on a consistent schedule to being on a week by week basis because I got sick and my manager decided that made me inconsistent and unreliable to now her wanting me back on a consistent schedule and pestering me to work weekends two months later. What the fuck.

[sbdcvents]

Well. Back here again.

My friends support mental illness and disability. Until it’s shitting on an ex who visited and didn’t brush his teeth and wouldn’t shower without being prompted. They call it gross. Act like it’s the worst thing in the world. … and I sit here. Going several years with minimal showers and not brushing my teeth when I was younger because of undiagnosed depression and physical disabilities. Having always had issues with personal hygiene since I was in kindergarten, probably even before that (shout out to system memory issues). And suddenly I’m alone in the dark with the spotlight shining on me, erasing all my progress in confidence that I’ve fought tooth and nail for.

[sbdcvents]

I- am so dissociated. I can’t focus and our partner isn’t helping. In fact they’re making it worse. They’re causing the dissociation with the video they have on. We have school work to do. I understand you’re in waiting mode but I have been experiencing life in third person for the past 20 minutes. So take your damn video elsewhere.

[sbdcvents]

I.. really wish I had better regulation. I really wish I didn’t constantly feel like I’d be better off dead. But it’s- so hard to keep myself afloat these days. I’m tired. And I feel my grip slipping.

[sbdcvents]

Just had a meltdown and now we’re blurry because lots of the headmates are grumpy because someone in a server is making them uncomfortable and we’re so tired

[sbdcvents]

“Are you ignoring me?” Yep. “Are you gonna keep ignoring me?” Yep. I tried to communicate what was wrong and you ignored it. Sorry babe but I don’t care anymore. I know you don’t like being ignored but I literally couldn’t give less of a shit right now. So go somewhere else if you don’t like it that much. Or yell at me and get mad or whatever. You’re not gonna get anything out of me because there’s nothing to get anymore.

[sbdcvents]

… is it really that hard to unfollow and block someone? One of my friends keeps bitching about shit his ex posts because she wasn’t the greatest partner and you can still see that she was really self centered in her content. And at first I was like I get it, sometimes it’s hard to let go and I’m always for being petty and dunking on people who hurt you. But it’s been several months. At this point it’s just making you mad. Block her and move on, buddy.

[sbdcvents]

Love that I can feel myself being torn apart from the inside by something I wouldn’t have even noticed if it wasn’t mentioned. Gee thanks babe. Feel close to relapsing now.

[sbdcvents]

Are we sure I’m not actually the worst human being on the planet. Because it feels like I am. It feels like I’m nothing more than a monstrous wild animal.

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“It’s okay” i say. Like a fucking liar. And now I feel physical pain because no it’s not okay. I can’t make that shit go back to how it was before and now I’m regretting other stuff I’ve done too because I thought it was gonna grow on me but no I hate it.

[sbdcvents]

Communication with your partner is all fun and games until you are very aware of the fact that their love language has changed since you moved in together to value quality time and you need some time to yourself but instantly know they’d be devastated as soon as you say it.

[sbdcvents]

Wow. Two splits at once. And one is directed towards myself. So I feel like I’m the worst person ever and I also hate my partner for just- existing right now because I’m making them feel horrible with my mood and I just want them to- stop.

[sbdcvents]

Love feeling like an asshole because I find my partner’s current vocal stim to be annoying and overstimulating. It’s like nails on a chalkboard but I don’t want to say anything because I’m terrified I’ll break them somehow.