#say hi to my chainsmoking sickly little freak

[hadrassians]

more fallen hero doodles

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38 or 47 or 66?

#47 When I picture myself happy, it’s with you.”

Billy knew it was over when they gave out the graduation gowns at school and he watched Steve receive his, looking grave.

Then he had glanced at Billy, standing next to him in the line and said, “Hey, we need to talk. Can we get dinner tomorrow night?”

Billy had known it, felt it in his belly. Suddenly his entire body was cold even though it was June and he was wearing his jacket.

“Yeah,” he said. “Sure.”

Billy had received his gown and the world around him seem to blur a little.

He’d always felt as if things with Steve were on a clock.

Sooner or later they’d graduate and Steve would declare this little phase over.

Sooner or later Steve would step back and see that Billy was trash and nowhere near good enough for him.

Sooner or later Nancy Wheeler would come to her senses and Steve would be there when she did.

Billy thought about sooner or later at night alone in his too-small bed wishing he was in Steve’s bed, big and luxurious and full of Steve warm and solid behind him.

Billy was so certain he was about to be kicked to the curb that he avoided Steve the rest of the day and the next; ditching one class, pretending to be busy, turning on his heel in the hall at the sight of that flume of hair visible above everyone else.

He tried to ready himself; sat in his car listening to his music, chainsmoking, telling himself that it didn’t matter. There were other boys in the world. There was a whole planet outside fucking Hawkins.

Then the reality of a Steveless universe hit him like a punch to the gut and he started dry heaving and pounded his fists on his dashboard and screamed until he got tired.

Steve wanted to eat at Fredo’s, the cheap “Italian” restaurant with good pizza and passable pasta if you didn’t want to get fancy.

Billy felt like he was attending his own funeral but he got gussied up like usual though there was no joy in it.

It had occurred to him to break up with Steve first but he knew he never would. He’d fallen too hard by now. He’d probably come apart just trying.

“You look great,” Steve said lightly when Billy got in the Beamer a careful couple blocks from his house. He wished he’d told Steve he’d drive himself. Did Steve really expect him to share the awkward car ride home after the big rejection?

Billy wanted to throw up.

“What’s the matter?” Steve said.

“Nothing.” He clenched his fists in his pockets and didn’t smoke.

At Fredo’s they took a booth near the back. Steve was fidgety as they nibbled on garlic bread. That wasn’t surprising. Steve probably didn’t like having to dump people. He was too nice for that.

“So um, so graduation is coming up,” Steve said.

Billy sat slumped in his seat, staring blankly at the parmesan shaker. “Uh huh.”

“So um. I was wondering… I mean I dunno what your plans are…”

“Uh huh.”

“Billy. Are you listening to me at all?”

“Just get it over with,” Billy said, so softly that Steve leaned forward and frowned as if he’d heard wrong.

“Get what over with?” Steve said. “Just… Listen, I’m fucking tired of not knowing what’s next. Okay? But screw it, I’m putting my cards on the table. You want to get out of town after graduation, fine. I’m there. You get in somewhere you want to go, fine. Or you wanna stay here for a while you can probably stay in the guest room, like, officially, we could probably sell my parents on it. Just… I don’t know what’s going on and it’s freaking me out!”

“What…what?” Billy hadn’t felt so dumb in a long time.

“I’m saying, I don’t know what your plan is but I don’t have one! So…can we make a plan together or…something. Because I’m sure as hell not letting you go alright?”

Suddenly the world wasn’t ending but instead it shook a little on its axis.

“I uh…I gotta take a piss,” Billy said, and bolted from his seat, heading to the men’s room in back. Billy braced his hands on the sink and breathed once, twice, before bursting into tears.

The relief was so great that he didn’t know what to do with himself and now he sniffed, feeling ridiculous. He caught sight of himself in the mirror, grinning from ear to ear, and rolled his eyes.

“Dumb fuck,” he muttered, and laughed a little.

“Billy?” Steve came barging in and Billy groaned, turning away.

“What is the matter?”

“Ha. Nothing.” Billy wiped his eyes but he wasn’t fooling anyone.

“Billy…” It was too late, Steve was in worried mode, eyes too big and sad as he stepped into Billy’s space, reaching up to tug at his sleeves. “You don’t want to make plans, you don’t-”

“No, not that. I…kinda thought you wanted to break up,” Billy said, shrugging, attempting to play it off. “Heh…”

“What… Did you want to break up?” Steve said sickly.

“No. No no…”

“Good.” Steve hands slid up Billy’s chest to his shoulders and finally cradled his face. “‘Cause when I picture myself happy it’s with you. Nobody else.” Steve kissed him once and Billy chased it and leaned against him reflexively. “I’ll tell you I love you a hundred times a day if it’ll make you believe me,” Steve whispered.

“Hey, I believe you,” Billy said, weakly attempting bravado even as his eyes were still wet and red. “What’s not to love, right?” But then he looked at Steve again and couldn’t help but give in, slumping against him with a whimper of defeat, suddenly exhausted by the emotional turbulence of the last couple days and Steve held him in his arms.

“So we can make a plan then?” Steve said.

“My plan is you, Harrington,” Billy mumbled into Steve’s shoulder. “That’s all I got.”