#saw this today in an old bday card and got very sad

[arcadiandeath]

crazy how it all never goes away

[thedappleddragon]

today was really nice! I slept really deeply last night but I dont know what I dreamed about, which kinda sucks. ive been having a harder time remembering my dreams recently :( anyway I had some breakfast and got a little spacey looking out the glass back door, so I went outside and the weather was BEAUTIFUL so I laid down on the trampoline and watched tiktoks. it felt like spring (specifically easter for some reason?) and It reminded me of summer quarantine where I was in my backyard every day. when I came back inside I washed come clothes and a couple of my sheets, took a short shower, and stayed in the kitchen for a long-ass time cooking fish for my mom and waiting to turn over laundry and playing Pokemon. I felt kinda nauseous for no reason and my back hurt so I dont know what that’s about. after a while of being in my room I wrote my friend a birthday card and prepared to go over to her house to deliver her present, a crocheted teddy bear :). I wasn't sure if I was going to just drop it off in her mailbox or go inside, but I ended up going in her house and chatting for a bit and I had a lovely time. I got to pet her pets even tho one cat attacked me and her dog climbed on me a little bit, her other cat was very sweet and just sniffed a lot. she apparently has 3 cats but I didnt know because the third was upstairs. we talked about college and her pets and stuff and it was very nice and I wish I could have stayed longer. afterwards my dad and I went to the store and I felt like I was acting like an absolute fool. but I did feel very cool in my boots and coat and clothes I really like. although I did get just bit overwhelmed. we bought girl scout cookies tho :) after getting home, snacking, and putting things away, and my dad throwing sheets fresh out of the drier onto my bed, I laid in bed for entirely too long playing Pokemon and scrolling through Tumblr and now I have a headache. I think I'll have just a little soda and try to fall asleep. I think I'm dehydrated and overstimulated because I just realized how much background noise I'm hearing from the forever-leaking faucet in the bathroom across the hall and the air conditioning and general house noise and my lamp being too bright and absorbing too much information on Tumblr and tiktok and oh my god I need to sleep. tomorrow I hope the weather is just as good so I can lay on the trampoline again in peace. it’s kind of sad that it got 3 rips in it over this winter, but I think dad probably caused them when shoveling snow off during the huge snowstorm that hit like 80% of America like a week ago. OOH I almost forgot. I spent some time drawing ferns and flowers on my leg with posca pens and I think it looks very cute. I heard rustling in my closet so I shook things around, but It kept happening and I saw as a little mouse climbed into the suitcase I used as a child so I held the lid closed, zipped it up, took the whole thing outside, and set it free in the backyard. it had a deer in the headlights moment as I looked at it with my phone flashlight, and it was very small and very cute. It ran away somewhere in the leaves, so I hope it finds shelter in the minibarn or under the old porch or something. and my other friend’s bday present arrived in the mail. hozier’s cover The Humors of Whiskey is stuck in my head and brings me much joy and relaxation. I understand why they call him some sort of fey or old god now. my cat only wants to hang out at the foot of my bed and wont cuddle with me at night or sit on my hip as I lay on my side :( she just makes wet snarfing sounds as she drinks the water I have sitting out for her 

[thesecretlifeofmerribethc]

5.11.19 - 5.16.19 feat. NEW JOB + BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5.11.19

Saturday! Cleaned manong’s car out while the sibs cleaned the house. I drove to Target and we also walked to 5 Below and Marshalls. At Marshalls manang bought an espresso maker!!! It’s so cute, and it was only $8. At Target I bought mom a small eye shadow palette for mother’s day lol (that’s all I could afford). Got some Mcdonalds and went home to play Overcooked 2. Mom was home from hanging out with tita Delai and tita Emy. Also. I found out my wisdom tooth in the back of my right side of my molar is finally popping out of my gum!!!! Bout time but man :P

5.12.19

Happy Mother’s day!!! Woke up and gave mom her gifts. Oh yeah, at Marshalls, manang bought marv lindor chocolate to give to mom lol. At church it was so busy! Decorated (again) the dining hall but at least it was simple. Food was great!!!!! Mark and kuya Sanjay both brought chicken curry! Mark actually brought a lot of food!! SO NICE of him. He brought curry, rice with beans, and plaintains. It was so good!! Dad had work so at home the sibs and mom took pics.

5.13.19

Prepped for interview questions and my clothes for my interview with Delfin at DMC - DRH! So nervous.

5.14.19

Phewwwww ok`so I got up pretty early (ok not really, but like 10 a.m. lol) to review some interview questions and answers. Got ready and then mom, dad and I made our way to Detroit. It was a sunny, beautiful day! Got to DRH and checked in with the front desk. Dad and I waited for about 20 minutes before we got the go to go upstairs. During that time of wait, dad was approached by like 4 co-workers, 1 was Marko who worked on the 5th floor but days, and he gave me some encouragement. Then it was dad’s own coworker, the PCA. And she was like “Ha? She’s having an interview with _______?!” And then before we went to the 5th floor, we stopped by dad’s office and his coworker was there too and she seemed iffy about where/who I was interviewing with and it kinda worried me. Anyway, went upstairs and met with the manager, however I went into the room and sat with the coordinator who interviewed me. She was SO nice. I really like her. I don’t think I nailed the interview, but thankfully the questions she asked were pretty easy, and she was very positive. After my interview with the coordinator, I was then facing the manager who came in the room to ask if I had any questions. After about 20 minutes of talking he then asks me, “I’m going to ask you a hypothetical question. If I were to offer you the job right now, what would you say?” and I said yes. And then he said, “I’m offering you the job.” So HOME GIRL GOT A JOB!!!! After that I took a tour with the coordinator and checked the 3 units within the 5th floor. I DID IT. Friends congratulated me on the Groupme. Was so funny cuz Jod was like “Bebet went from being the poorest in the group to the richest” and all my friends were like “WOW WE KNOW A DOCTOR” “WOW DOCTOR” Got picked up and celebrated at Mcdonalds on Mack. It was so busy. After that, mom, dad and I just went to the downstairs parking so dad could nap before work (yes, dad sacrificed napping to support me for my interview <3333 he walked into the hospital with me and walked me up to the 5th floor too!). Dropped dad off and then mom and I went to get manang. Manong picked up Marv. Before we picked up manang mom and I went to burlington to look at shoes but didn’t get anything. Got manang and once we got home we changed and got ready since Jod was gonna pick us up for taco Tuesday at Maiz!! Si parked at our house and so the 4 of us rode together. Got to Maiz and waited for like 15 minutes for a table, and then Jovel and Nai came. After we were done eating Sam came but we ordered his food so that it was ready when he came. I was pretty disappointed with my food. The shell was SO SOGGY and old tasting. It broke apart :P And the meat was cold! Sigh. Like the shell was even doubled up because it was breaking apart. Anywho after that we went to Cultivate(?) where we played exploding cats. Then manang and I rode with Sam and Si home!

5.15.19

Mom cooked me some spaghetti for tomorrow! :))) Mom had a date with tita rose and others so it was just Marv and I at home. I cleaned before marv got home. Cooked egg for the sibs and I and then watched som one punch. Then I went to the garage to get started on the trash. Once manong and manang came home the four of us in good moods worked together to get the wooden pallets, couch, stove and trash out to the curb. After that we played Overcooked 2. BUT OMG. So like, at 2 am today before I hit the hay, I went on FB and saw a flyer that St Joseph Mercy Hospital in Ann Arbor was having a nurse job fair!!! I signed up and told Danielle. She’ll most likely ride with me!! Sigh.... Kinda wished I didn’t say yes immediately. And I kinda wished I was ready for an interview with Beaumont. Sigh. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be tho.

5.16.19

Happy birthday to me!!!!!! Thank you Lord!!!! Literally woke up and cried. God is so good. All the time. So thankful for another year. Woke up and went downstairs and found a bouquet of beautiful carnations and a card from dad (I was still up last night and he didn’t get home until 5 just to get these for me! :’D). Had breakfast with mom and dad and then just chilled for the day! Then it was time for prayer meeting. Picked up Marv then went to 7-11. Got some donuts and iced coffee. Then we got manang and then went to burlington near church. Got to church early and just walked around the parking lot. It was such a beautiful day!! After prayer meeting we went to Meijer in Woodhaven to get rice. At home I ate spaghetti! And then manang gave me her gift which was a cute milk carton purse!! Oh and $10 cash!!! I was sooooo surprised when I saw the purse. It was SO cute!! <3 Also going to Ann Arbor tomorrow! Picking up Danielle thanks to manong :)

5.17.19

Woke up so early today! Woke up at 8:30 and got ready. Manong and I left at like 9:30ish or so to get Danielle. On the way to Danielle’s there was a pretty crazy driver on King road right before the brownstown police station. Anyway, got to Danielle’s, picked her up, then got breakfast at Mcdonalds (thanks manong! <3). Then we made our way to Ann Arbor. Found a parking space and practice some questions and such then walked in. It was busy but man everyone was SO NICE. Danielle and I met with the manager of the Medsurg (gen surgery) floor and the neuro floor. They were really nice. Then we talked with the manager for the ER. After that we took a tour with Dan and HE WAS THE ABSOLUTE BEST. He was so inspiring to me. Like, he had no hospital experience, working as a full time mail man during school. He became a nurse and then after a year he went to grad school and became a CNS! He’s been at SJMH for 10 years already!!! He was really super nice. He even says, “I hope you get a job here! I teach in the orientation as well” and I’m like THAT WOULD BE A DREAM. The hospital was absolutely beautiful. Probably the best hospital I’ve ever been to. They even have a nail/hair spa!!!!!! And it smelled SO CLEAN. It would be amazing if I could get a job there after DRH! Anywho, the only sad part was that the medsurg floor wasn’t doing on the spot job offers or interviews :( When I heard that I felt that God validated me going to DRH. I prayed that Lord, my siblings plan to move to Washtenaw. If I get this job I would be so close to them. If it is your will I be at SJMH, Lord please provide me a job on the spot. If not, then I’ll stay at DRH. So there you go! There’s God’s answer. Although the manager said that if I were to hear anything, it would be on the following Friday, however I didn’t get any call back. Anywho, after we got back to the main area from the tour, Danielle went ahead to talk to the CCU presentation. I sat in the food area and had a cup of coffee. Talked to 2 ladies that were waiting in the medsurg line and they were so nice. Then I went outside and called PJ and just talked about my whole dealio. After danielle was done, manong came and picked us up. He was just waiting next door at WCC. Got lunch at KFC and ate inside. I was starting to get cramps sadly! After dropping off danielle, manong and I went to Advance Auto Parts in brownstown, then home. At home I just rested in my room having taken 3 ibuprofens for my cramps (I really need to take something else now). Then I got ready for dinner cuz the whole fam was going out for my bday! Picked up Ne on the way. Thought we were going to Leo’s but I looked up and we were at OLIVE GARDEN!!!!!! I was so surprised. Had a great dinner. Ordered my fave chicken alfredo. After OG we went to Target then Ne’s place! Drank some tea and chilled then went home.

5.18.19

Busy day today! Cleaned the house and got it ready for when the friends came over! Manang and mom went to Kroger to get food so Marv and I finished up. Manang washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen while I vacuumed and cleaned bathrooms and made sure the house smelled good. Oh and Marv put the plants frmo the loft outside on the porch (about time those plants were gone!). First friend to come was Jod, then Josh and Joseph, then Bubby and then jovel, PJ and then daen. Played overcooked (jod loves it!) and then took pics with my star donut cake lol. Then Hannah and cam came!!!!!. We were laughing so hard the whole day!!! Hannah talked about her crazy experience with cult customers at timmy hoes and that was the ongoing joke of the night. Played Wario Ware and then Jackbox! It was so funny. Check out my album on Google photos to see some of the jokes lol. Dad was so funny too when we told him about the cult.When he came out of his room he was like “I took my naked picture to give to the cult” xD LOL my friends were laughing so hard. Cooked shin ramyun and boiled eggs and ate that. Had a lot of food today (qdoba chips and dip from jod, pizza from pj, egg tart and vanilla ice cream from josh, orange creamsicles from jovel, donuts from hannah, candy from daen). Overall it was a really fun and funny night. Also hannah gave me a gift of $45!!! I was so surprised. So thoughtful and nice of her!!!! :’)

5.19.19

Church!! T’was a busy day. Took pics with my cake and oh my goodness, tita Mildred and my class made a banner for me! Church members were so generous in terms of birthday gifts. I made about $235 total! God has been so good to me. Wow. He has blessed me with so much. Some of the gifts I’ve gotten:

-Card, flowers, and olive garden dinner from mom and dad

-milk carton purse and $10 cash from manang

-pink selfie stick cell phone case from manong (didn’t get this till later)

-dunder mifflin hat from Marv (didn’t get this till later, but I’m listing it now lol)

-Versus versace watch from PJ

-$45 from hannah

-Money from tita Mildred, merrilee, and tita cheng, as well as a black and white striped shirt from tita Gina.

-Leche Flan from ne!

After church, the sibs and I went to Ne’s. Ne made me leche flan with cream cheese! Ugh so good. Chilled at Ne’s until midnight ish!

5.20.19

Today was a pretty chill day. Later in the day I went to the gym with manong. PJ came too. Manong and I worked out from 9:40 to 1 a.m.! GSW also played and won. Worked out so long. I drove to the gym and home. After the gym I drove to Meijer and manong bought me lunchables cuz I was so hungry lol.

5.21.19

Officially signed and sent my acceptance for the DRH job position!!! It’s official!! After that dad and I did yard work in the back. After that we had dinner with the fam and then I worked on making thank you cards for my manager and coordinator at DRH. Watched some bball!

5.22.19

[damienandalex-blog]

Emotional loss...life's ironic fuck you moments.

I dont deal well with change of any sort, I have my world my fish bowl a certain way and I don’t like to see anything change ever!

People especially I don’t do well with letting go when friendships romantic or otherwise change or end. I have never understood the idea of people being huge parts of your life and then not. Today it’s worse human beings have become disposal to each other and life is always evolving and people change and grow blah blah!

Now that’s all well and good but it still doesn’t make sense to me and Id like to say that’s the reason why I have a hard time letting go. Sadly though it’s much deeper than that and goes all the way back to childhood.

See I have what you might call text book abandonment issues brought on by childhood drama of a schizophrenic bipolar single mother. Now Mum did the best she could do under the circumstances and unlike some ass holes I haven’t gone through my adult life saying it’s not my fault I had a fucked up childhood! Here let me show you my badge, it’s an emotional get out of jail card for idiots that take no personal responsibility for their actions in adult life!

Nope that aint me! And never will be. I am responsible for my actions as an adult. It’s affected me and my relationships though friendships and romantic one’s. I also don’t have a middle setting. I will either love you too much or not at all. You become a close friend to me you better be ready for the life time commitment that comes with that.

I know a lot of people and a lot people know me. I make friends easily always have and I have always kept an inner circle of people who are my family in every sense of the word as much as my own blood. That circle over the years has had loses at times and when it has in some cases it’s felt like a hole has been punched in my heart and I am 5 years old again and mum is living me either with my grandparents. And I am crying for her on their stairs.

Mum wasn’t very emotionally available and because of the mental illness which at 5 I didn’t understand she was mostly sad or crying for no reason. I would do anything to make her stop or try to make her smile but it was never enough and I was always left feeling rejected and unlovable. So guess what? When I grew up I went for women who were cold distant and mostly not interested I would then think it was my job to please them and they in return would give me the love I never got as a child.

This saw me in no end of unhealthy adult relationships in my 20’s and always looking for that love I lost in childhood. And always being the pleaser in the relationships and basically got treated like shit. Who respects a door mat and thats what I was

Id to say I have mastered art of not chasing people when they leave me or my life. I am better than I use to be in my younger years. Still after a recent experience I realized I have a ways to go with letting go. With the invention of social media you can’t even really forget anyone or not get reminded of them in some sense. Unless you do the old unfriend or block. Even then we can all look people up even after that. What’s worse is when you accidentally like something while doing the good stalking. You can’t stop change, I know you can’t I have tried! You can adapt though I have learnt that and you can let go as painful as I have recently found that to be through the death of an Aunt and the death of a close friendship. My family will never be the same again because of my aunts death. And the damage done to the friendship. It will never be the same again. By factors stemming from the friend moving 6 hours away and literally changing over night about how she felt towards our friendship which in turn caused me to try and hang on instead of walking away. We both failed each other in the situation and there’s no point even having each other in our life’s now because it will never be the same between us. So now I will simply try and forget the last 7 years she was a huge part of my life and move on. Worse yet we share the same bday as each other. That on its own is ironic in a way. Life goes on no matter what happens and no matter what heartbreak we all might face. Time waits for no one. You can remain emotionally frozen in a moment for years. I know you can because I have done it. Sleeping with the past forever mission the present…