#saving her from the freaks
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melodie and mad mew mew are literally the same person
#brawl stars#brawl stars art#brawl stars fanart#brawl stars melodie#mad mew mew#hey undertale fans if you see this dont mind me#my friend pointed out that melodie is mad mew mew and it hasn't left my mind#HAS ANYONE ELSE THOUGHT OF THIS BC#i now hc thats Exactly how melodie acts btw#melodie has her own tv show too probably. i dont know#maybe that can be for my au !!!! wow !!!!!!#melodie is getting too much hate stop hating her pls shes just a girl she did nothing#saving her from the freaks
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Danny and Damien are twins au, but a slightly redeemed vlad makes Danny the CEO of Vlad Co and DALV and all his other shell companies. Danny is danny, he got pushed into this against his will and is very overwhelmed by CEO duties, so he reaches out to one of his father's sons, Timothy Drake-Wayne, for advice
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So, danny definitely knows his heritage in this au. He was the spare to Damien's heir, and while their relationship was strained by the constant competition, they still love each other, even when Danny started to show more proficiency in infiltration and subterfuge than assassination. Damien and Danny have a huge fight before Danny leaves, with Damien swearing to never forgive Danny for his betrayal, while Danny is like "what betrayal??? I just cant bring myself to kill someone outside of self-defense??"
(One of the things I hate about Danny and Damien Twin AUs is this depiction that, just because (usually) Danny is unwilling to kill, that makes him weak and a traitor. You think the medical staff in the LoA are assassinating people? Or the lawyers? He's not useless, he's just not good as an assassin)
He was sent to the Fentons at like... seven? eight? to study how the Fentons are purifying lazurus waters from Jack and Maddie, both of whom are partly sponsored by the League of Assassins. He's also learning more about spying from Jack, surprisingly, because no one would expect him of being a top tier spy. He has the occasional mission as a child, but it's mostly shadowing Jack to learn how to spy.
Danny sends letters to both Talia and Damien regarding updates on his training and the Fenton's research, but after a year of no reply from Damien, it's only to Talia. He's feels super hurt by this, and abandoned by the LoA, but the Fentons are kind and familial, and Talia visits once a year. She's unwilling to risk visiting more often, lest she risk getting the JL or the Spiders attention, but sometimes she even manages to visit on his birthday!
(Meanwhile, Talia starts sending birthday assassins to kill Damien so she can spend their birthday with Danyal. She's a really hot and cold mom.
Talia: You can choose me, and have a birthday dinner. Or you can choose your father and have a birthday assassin. You're choice. )
When Slade blows up the LoA, Danyal is given permanent orders to remain as Daniel Fenton until Talia, and only Talia, brings him back to the League. No missions and only one letter every six months. But when Ra's comes back to life and the League is back in power, Talia... never tells Danyal. Because she's seen how happy Damien is being a normal child with their father and wants that for Danyal too. Plus, she wants to continue to have a good relationship one of her children, sue her bruce.
So Danny is completely convinced that the League is mostly gone other than his mother, her zealots, and knows that his brother is living with their father. and he's... relieved. His brother is safe, and his mom told him their grandfather was avenged, so Danny can just enjoy his life. Which he does.
He sends out his six month report days before the portal accident.
Canon stuff happens until Danny is sixteen and Vlad, the fruitloop, steps down as CEO and strong-arms Danny into becoming CEO in his place. Jack and Maddie (who at this point know [or have always known in Jack's case, adn Danny didn't appreciate his dad using his his poker face against him like that] about Phantom) are thrilled.
Vlad is using his "foster son" (Dark Danny, but in this idea, he's Dante Masters) as an excuse as to why he's stepping down, since Dante needs all the attention he can give as a "troubled youth". Danny secretly hopes Dante kills Vlad in his sleep, but signs the papers away.
And there's so much work.
Danny has some idea of what he's doing (Vlad co is a tech company and DALV is weapons manufacturing, plus vlad gave him a crash course on CEOing). Sam and Tuck even help! But he wishes there was someone who could understand the pain of being a CEO while still a teen. But... his father's son, his brother, is one such person. And even though the other would never know, he really wanted to get to know his other siblings. So Danny reaches out for advice to Timothy Drake-Wayne.
Tim is immediately on guard when this Damien clone walks into his office claiming to be the new Vlad Co CEO. The clone acts nothing like Damien, but he still thinks this Danny Fenton is a league plant.
His paranoia doubles when Damien freaks out and confesses that A) Danny is apparently his twin brother and B) that he's been with the League of Assassins this whole time. Damien, who really doesn't want to admit that the reason he forced himself to forget his brother was because said brother didn't want to kill people, says "Tch. I didn't want to associate with the likes of him, so I put him out of my mind." Tim now believes that he's dealing with a master assassin with a huge grudge against Damien and Danyal showing no signs of malicious or aggression in their meetings only convinces him that Danyal is a master actor too.
Which, Danyal is a master actor. But all that other stuff is just Tim reaching.
#dc x dp#dp x dc#dp crossover#dc crossover#danny and damian are twins#for some reason explain danyal's backstory was really important to me#c: danny fenton#c: damien wayne#c: talia al ghul#c: tim drake#talia can be a brainwashed mom trying to do the best for her kids and be cold and calculating#she has the range#this au is all about the batfam freaking out about the LoA having control over these massive companies#and meanwhile Danny is having the time of his life getting to know his adoptive brother#and saving the environment with Vlad's companies#tim constantly takes the most innocent comments from danny as evil threats#danny compliments tim's family and tim nearly lunges across the desk to strangle him
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A Martyr From the Ashes
For everyone in the fandom saying saying that Danny thinks Martian ManHunter is cooler than Superman, we don't really see it all that much in writing.
I'mma try and fix that...
~•~•~•~•~•~
The Martian Book of Legends held the heroic tale of Saint Da'han'yul Fen'tuun of Mars, a sickly albino priest of a small town that held marriages, sermons regarding life and how it should be enriched and lived to its fullest, and specialized in funerals that used cremations with fire, a feat thought to be physically impossible by the masses. As people saw him look into the flames without fear while others cowered, rumors spread that the young man was blessed by H'ronmeer himself, the Martian God of Fire, Life, and Death.
People spoke about how Da'han'yul turned down all attempts at courtship, for he had decided to dedicate his life to bring light in the darkest times to all lives in the name of his God. He was a thing of beauty with a gentle soul and shy demeanor, even the Red and Green skinned who had still held a firm belief on the caste system could not deny his charm. How the terminally ill Martian carried on his mission with a smile, nobody knew.
However, tragedy struck on the day that should have spelled the beginning of the end for the Martian people. A parasitic species had invaded the Martian Homeworld and was causing untold havoc. As civilians fled from the threat and prepared a counter offensive, it was Da'han'yul Fen'tuun who charged into the danger headfirst to save his people from becoming prey.
As others pleaded for him to run away, in a great bright flash of light, a gigantic Martian loomed over the enemy emerged where the ill Martian stood, coated in flames in a form they've never seen before with a halo and body that burned a haunting green.
The deafening silence still held as the enormous creature brought a massive fist on the giant pale walker that was destroying homes. A wave of its hand sent a wall of green flames raced towards the foot soldiers, reducing them to ash while his people and buildings were not harmed in any form without an ounce fear of these fires the creature used to purge the enemy. Within the hour, the threat had been neutralized and peace was brought back to the red planet.
As the Martian people looked to the titan, they knew. H'ronmeer's had chosen his most loyal servant, Da'han'yul, as the avatar of his wrath to smite those who would bring his people harm. The people hugged and wept tears of joy and cheered for the priest and H'ronmeer for saving them, but the tears soon became tears of sorrow.
The giant groaned in pain as he fell on one knee as it began to crumble into ash before the people's very eyes. Like a flame, Da'han'yul Fen'tuun had burned his brightest when life needed him most, and now death called to him as it slowly extinguished it to give him peace. With a final message, he pleaded to his people to come together as one and to not see one another as lesser or greater than, but as equals who can help one another in the darkest of times and the hardships yet to come. With his final moments gone, a final telepathic embrace was given to all before he fell silent for the last time.
The massive pile of ash that were his remains was brought back to his little village and made into a beautiful garden of ash in the temple where the newly titled Saint made his home in, where it would be made a holy site that many would come to give their thanks and pay their respects for H'ronmeer' and his champion alike.
And for centuries, peace was held before it was shattered by Ma'alefa'ak, who unleashed the Fire Plague to take vengeance on his people for his inability to experience the psionic way of life that was the norm. His smile as his people screamed in anguish was knocked off his face in the most literal of terms when a Martian struck him down and had him by the throat.
A Martian with eyes burning in anger as Ma'alefa'ak failed to break free and was being beaten severely for his crimes against the people of Mars. A Martian made entirely up of ash and green embers.
Saint Da'han'yul Fen'tuun had returned, if only for a moment longer. And he was not happy.
Quickly, one by one across the planet, the martians set ablaze burned a gentle green that healed them. In this miraculous act of divine intervention, not a single Martian had lost their life. Most were now unconscious with labored breathing being heard.
J'onn watched on as his brother screamed in agony as his body burst into green flames as a pool of ash began to swallow his brother whole. Before disappearing entirely, Da'han'yul told him the punishment his brother would be facing.
"Ma'alefa'ak's psionic abilities have been awoken. He will be sentenced to become a living flame until he has lived the collective life span of all that he has tried to extinguish."
J'onn was too stunned to speak. With how long a Martian can live, it was the equivalent of telling him his brother would be suffering for an eternity. It seemed unethical, but he knew his brother had dug his own grave the moment he saw the reanimated remains of Da'han'yul Fen'tuun's ashes take swift action.
"Everything will be ok now, J'onn. Go to your family and tend to them.
"Da'han'yul...Thank you. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you when you were still alive." J'onn solemnly uttered as he looked to the ground, unable to look at his deceased youngest brother.
"Nonsense J'onn, it's not your fault...The caste system...it–"
"I could've done more! Instead I saved myself instead of being there when my brothers needed me most!"
"J'onn...you were just a child."
"It makes none of it right!"
He was right in that aspect, but it still didn't feel right. Ma'alefa'ak' was ostracized by society, was treated like a freak of nature for lack of natural gifts and he wanted to burn society to the ground in the most literal of terms because of it.
While Da'han'yul, the forgotten youngest brother, was treated horribly for being albino and treated cruelly. He contracted a deadly disease when he separated himself from the family to live in isolation with other albinos that made him sickly and cut his life expectancy down severely. Knowing what befell him, seeing him struggle to move and hold down food at times while J'onn and their parents did nothing.
These tumultuous emotions sat in J'onn for so long. The way he wanted to go and help them both, but the fear of association and social punishment for merely being seen with his brothers made him cry when he younger for being so weak willed. It wasn't until their parents bragged about the sacrifice their forgotten child had made, the sone they purposely scorned made him snap.
"J'onn, promise to keep my message alive for me. Help our people become whole again."
"Of course, brother." Is what J'onn tells him as he watches his little brother vanish again for a third and final time.
#danny phantom#justice league#dc x dp#dp x dc#dp x dc crossover#dp x dc prompt#martian manhunter#The extinction of the martian people was never sullosed to happen#So Danny decided to fix it and was reborn into martian society#He was severely disappointed by the caste system so decided to dk something about it#Danny reincarnates into a little brother for Martian ManHunter because he still sees him as cool#H'ronmeer was the last dying god of Mars and accepted Danny's help to save his people.#M'gann is the first to find out that Danny is her uncle Da'han'yul Fen'tuun and she's going to pass out from shock#Danny is just going say 'hello J'onn' and just combust into green flames and go for the hug#Everyone is freaking out but are more surprised to see that he's hugging back with the same intensity and crying just as hard#Imagine being told that your coworker's little brother is a minor deity in his planets religion who saved Mars TWICE
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FUUUUUCK i just realized that that shot when Mikage's standing up against the wall so that his shoes are part of the lineup of all the dead boys' shoes it's to hint at the fact that Mikage's already dead
#mikage's character arc with mamiya deals so heavily with death and dying and inevitability and trying to escape it#and then you get to the final arc and it's like. you know who else is already dead? dios. and by extension akio.#extending his life through torturing his sister but he's still *in a coffin*. akio is dead just like mikage#and can only live as he exerts an unnatural influence over the world#sucking the life out of everyone else#and he can only live through anthy holding so desperately onto the ideal prince Dios that she's willing to put up with Akio#through utena holding onto the reconstructed memory of dios showing up to save her from her grief and thus falling into his trap#through saionji holding onto the ideal of a childhood friendship with touga (a childhood now dead and gone)#through miki wishing desperately for his sunlit garden (now gone to seed and impossible to reach)#through juri being unable to let go of shiori (stuck in the past like everyone else)#anyways this has been another episode of Gray Freaking Out Over RGU's Brilliance#rgu#sku#revolutionary girl utena#shoujo kakumei utena#souji mikage#mikage souji
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bad is going to make me fucking insane with all the things he tells bagi. like she was talking about him being her best friend but her not being his. but she doesn't get just How Much he actually, directly, tells her. the gift vs present distinction. the friendship torture. the "i would eat cucurucho. I would lie to them" in answer to her "what would you do if you were offered dapper back in return for working for the feds your whole life." the "lol yeah im dying" the colourblindness honesty and how he needed a few days to process it the ADMITTING HIS AGE TO HER. he loves to speak in codes and he has been here for Months and he has told her about himself The Most, and he has done it directly. that's insane. "what if it weren't time for you to know something. it would make you upset" after she badgered him about the fed worker kidnapping again like. holy shit. just casually handing her all the keys to how his little brain works that's insane
#qsmp#qsmp badboyhalo#qsmp bagi#he's like yeah this little freak of a woman is awesome :D#let me become the antagonist to her and her crush so that way they can gayly save each other from me#getting a good grade in friendship
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so hey guys i finished dungeon meshi yesterday and i'm still thinking about it
#ria.txt#i spoiled myself so at first i was like 'this is bonkers wtf are they doing in those last few chapters?????'#but then it was like. yeah. i see#love those ch when it's just clearly putting the squad into Situations#also. izutsumi#what i really liked was how tightly the protagonist and the deuteragonist were wound up in the overall themes#the plot the themes the conflict the characters it was very neatly connected#hence i am also now accidentally invested in whatever going on between laios and marcille#not just platonic not romantic not enemies i just think they work well tgt and deeply care for each other its great watching them develop#it's the leader + most trusted advisor / anxious girlfailure + the annoying freak she's somehow attached to vibes#haha that rabbit chapter with marcille. hahha i was like what the fuck man. it was funny and then boom whump [tears streaming down my face]#those shapeshifter chs were sooo much fun esp seeing other chara's perceptions of each other. stealing that#the changeling ones were great too elf senshi is the fucking funniest he looks sooooooo unserious#marcille's evolving perception with death starting with saving falin and saving the squad and her nightmares of outliving everyone-#-and her dad and her 'temper tantrum' and UGH when at the end she said she was fine with falin not coming back.... WAAA. OUGH.#i think dunmeshi handled the trope of 'prophecy of chosen one becoming king' pretty well and it makes sense why laios is the protag#the worldbuilding is so thoughtful as well i liked seeing different characters with different worldviews interact#very solid and well rounded series wooo#the main 4 has such a fun dynamic together#anyways. dunmeshi au.....#more like borrowing the worldbuilding bc charas are too nuanced for a one to one comparison#ren is like some prince of his own species but he's like 34th in line and no one cares about him so he fucks off to eat monsters#which is why he's both snobbish AND a total freak when it comes to his food taste#false is originally in for the money from ren and plans to scam him but unfortunately the cringefail swag captures her#martyn is Obnoxiously Clueless and thinks he's smart but he's not. he's resourceful but also pathetic and crazy#stress cant cook but she thinks she does so everyone goes (≖_≖ ) when she picks up a pot. they delegate her to killing and chopping duty#the mvp is iskall who keeps on saving everyone's asses and somehow has resources for everyone#i think ren is actually aware false is going to scam him but he has too much money to spend anyway and he thinks shes cool so he lets her??#and somehow she doesnt take the money and run. and goes back to eating monsters w/ the party. everyone is crazy
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"worlds finest" ok but when are they gonna let diana and clark hang out though
#yeah ik they just had a buddy issue in tk's ww and also they do hang out so this post makes no sense. but like 1. they just talked abt bruce#the whole time in ww no 7 so that like barely counts#also like they should get a buddy series together. this feels wrong but i think the only one theyve ever had was the weird nu52 one where#they dated or whatever 🤢#anyways think they should get to bro it out a bit. let them save cats out of trees and stop wars and talk about the pressures of being#a role model for billions of people and leaders for their community. let them talk about identity and loneliness and isolation from#community. diana with the job of representing her culture to the world vs clark as an isolated member of a diaspora growing up without that#a series showing them as powerful and good and kind and yet also devastatingly human#like she freaking calls him kal!!!! lets TALK about that!!!! and not in the weird injusticey vibes way where when they hang out they both#get turned into these like aloof inhuman unlikeable versions of themselves
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currently thinking about how simmons' jealousy would have played a part in IF leon and helena had been apprehended
but especially if this occurred after he got all ugly
this is to say, i'm broken after drawing leon's scars that simmons totally gave him when he whipped the shit out of him with his bone spike things. guh im still a sucker for aeon with his ass doing that.
#and now... more ideas... fuckin hell#au where helena and leon get separated -> whoops leon's just fuckin gone#leads to simmons confronting ada and begging -> what did she see in leon that he didn't have#before being a freak and showing ada his hostage lol#ugh simmons was a creep!#but then fun lil beatdown rescue with all the friends#piers does live he just shows up a bit later#uhhh something something his ascent to the surface.... getting The Bends....#it killed the infection?? nearly killed him but alas! he lives!#and now im thinking of ada persuading simmons to not hurt leon... worse than he already had#but her sweettalking is keeping him from killing leon at least#... simmons knowing about how they tend to save each other would probably make him super fuckin sadistic with leon
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SKKIIRERGUIYEDGHJHFDDGGHJUFFDS
Fuck I need her so baddddddddd
#yearning#sapphic yearning#pleaseeeee#someone save me from myself#or save her from me#my godddd I just need her bad#she's so cute#and hot and awesome#and matches my freak#already making a playlist just to yearn like some lovesick homosexual#lesbian#sapphic#wlw post#wlw yearning
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Guys Rich was actually in Jeremy and Michael’s failed middle school D&D party, the only reason they don’t remember him is cause it was before he transitioned! Ugh! AND Jenna was there for a bit too, but she dropped the club because nobody paid attention while she was taking her turns :((
#this is canon I was the dice#how do I worm this into my senior year au#‘you don’t remember me from D&D club do you >:(‘#these freaks freak me out#truly madly deeply#the things i would do for Jenna I’m not kidding#genuinely I think that she probably had the shittiest middle school experience ever I’m so sorry jenna#school D&D clubs ate and always has been a hell scape for teenage girls and I’m tired of pretending they aren’t#are*#be more chill#bmc#jeremy heere#michael mell#rich goranski#jenna rolan#oh my god save me ex-nerd who was driven away from further participating in her hobbies at a young age#bmc musical#txt post
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Chappel Roan saying she’s sad she’s demisexual and then there’s me being aroace as a whole like don’t you think I’m even more sad 😭
#not saying she’s not allowed to feel sad at all#just makes me think about myself LOL#I hate being aroace it’s like everyone’s part of a secret club I will never be a part of#and that people don’t tend to understand and if they do they never uphold that fact#like I actually have thrown up before from the concept of being in a relationship because it’s horrifying#and disgusting to me in a practical sense#like I don’t want to throw up every time I start thinking about those things I just want to be normal#and not panic like a relationship sounds like even worse than a death sentence#ppl think aroace is cute and problem free but it’s literally so uncomfortable and inconvenient when you’re in a world which a) doesn’t#understand wth aroace is b) doesn’t respect it at all c) has shit povs on what friendship is and how it can be more fulfilling than somethin#and d) how badly it impacts some ;-; like ik it sounds easy but try telling yourself omg I want to have a forever bestie#but then said forever bestie will never end up truly putting you first because they’d have a partner who will be their number one#and as usual you won’t even be second place you will be last like always#because I’ve noticed that the moment ppl get a partner suddenly they become their forever bestie role and then I can’t have that cause it#freaks me out and disgusts me all at once so I’m literally just cursed with forever feeling lonely and not meaning anywhere near as much to#someone who you wish could even look your way the way you do to them …#honestly by the day these reminders make me feel more and more aplatonic but it’ll simultaneously always feel like a hole in my heart#because apparently being aroace is like being some weird person and some freak#and not in the 𝒻𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀𝓎 type of connotation LMAO I mean just plain freak#and then that loneliness will always accumulate and accumulate and accumulate until I physically cannot handle it anymore or I take matters#into my own hands and just off with her head to myself LMAO#dora daily#and that is why despite aroace being cool to me it’s just not placed in an environement which makes it cool#as those assholes tend to say oh meh meh meh you never struggled girl … we’re in the 21st century every person in the lgbt community is#living the life dating who they want and being with who they want#but allegedly it is but a crime I can’t like anyone and that nobody fucking listens to me when I say I have an attraction deficit#and that they take it upon their hands to define what I’m attracted to or head canon me as whatever they are#I swear I’m not even fucking worth that shit just leave me alone 😭#I promise like if I was with somebody they will regret the day they were born by being with me LOL I am not all that in fact me being aroace#is saving them from torture ☠️ anyways ! rant over :3
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I keep getting rejected from conventions that I've been doing for multiple years this year and I heard on Friday that I didn't get Scotland Comic Con, which I've relied on for the last two years to be able to pay my fucking rent over the winter when there's no events, and it makes me want to scream because what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?? I'm making new stuff reasonably regularly, I make really good sales when I get into cons, I go out of my way to be reliable and show up on time and do everything they want exhibitors to do, and it's just flat rejection after flat rejection, sometimes without even the courtesy of a spot on a waiting list or a cursory 'sorry, we got a lot of applicants and we've got limited space'.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't think I even am doing anything wrong, I'm just getting repeatedly fucked over by event organisers who just see me as a way of increasing their own ticket sales rather than a human being trying to make a living.
And, like, part of me gets that I've been doing this for a while and folks who are new to it deserve a chance to get a foot in the door, but my ability to be charitable runs out when the biggest convention in the country decides no, we don't have enough room in our fuck-off huge venue for everyone so bye, fuck you, that ~15% of your yearly income that you rely on making at this con is just going up in smoke.
I like doing conventions, I'm good at it and it's fun, but it's getting Really Fucking Stressful to have my ability to eat and pay bills decided increasingly arbitrarily by the same five events companies who don't seem to give the slightest shit about anyone.
And I don't know what to do about it because the reason I'm doing this is because I'm too fucking autistic to get a real job, and I got kicked to the kerb by the benefits lot a few years ago because that system's fucking broken too, and the more effort I put in the less work I seem to actually get and frankly I want to fucking break something
#not having a very good time right now folks#not getting into cons is just a fact of doing this job#but this one has really fucked me over#i don't know why i didn't get it because they don't tell you these things#there's no waiting list no nothing#two years i've done this con. three if you count 2019 as well#it's the biggest one in scotland it's 15 minutes from my flat#i can't afford to get to england so i Need this one to make a living#but fuck me apparently#i am Enormously screwed and i'm still too freaked out to work out what i'm going to do about it#and to cap it all off i had car and computer repairs to deal with this past week#and i don't have another con until the end of august#so i'm going to have to wipe out my pitiful savings just to make rent and bills until then#i could just about have survived if i knew i had that reliable income in october#but now i don't and i have no idea how i'm going to make it through the winter quiet season#AND i'm helping my flatmate out with food costs until her student loans start back up again#which i'm going to have to stop doing because i can't afford it anymore#so this fucks over both of us in the short term#i'm going to find a way to manage but i just. i need to scream for about a week first#personal stuff
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does anyone have recommendations for fictional media that has like. actual lesbians in it. not like supergirl Two White Skinny Girls, One Blonde and One Brunette Kiss media, or "its implied lesbianism!!!" but just regular fucking lesbians
#i say lesbians but i guess i mean sapphic#im just like. tired of gnawing#and of men also. sorry men in my life i love you but on god if i have to pretend one more man is butch just to get#content that isnt m/m or m/f im going to turn into a horse and run into the wilderness until im saved from the glue factory by a plucky#young woman except instead of letting her have her formative summer where she trains me and bonds w me and wins a competition w me#im going to commit horse suicide in front of her & change her life forever. just because im so tired of bland CW-marketable women kissing &#digging for scraps in a refuse bin while brushing aside 7002993829292929939292929399394 gay and het romances#m text#i will also take nonfictional lesbians if its like a story#not to be whiny on main but one of the hardest hurdles i had to jump wasnt realizing i was a lesbian. i came out to myself and to friends a#lesbian multiple times. but i would always walk it back when a friend would express doubt or a male friend would ask me out#bc i dont and especially then didnt know very many lesbians in person. and so i had to turn to examples#and all i fucking had were fictional women who liked men. or fictional lesbians who were so cleaned and sanitized and prettified#(you all know what i mean right. the 2 skinny white girls one blonde one brunette. im not crazy right)#and i would be like. i dont feel things when i look at these fictional lesbians so i guess i belong back here#(this is also bc my gender ended up being fuckier than i realized but shhhhh)#I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THESE TAGS but theyre too long and im lost.#anyway the point is if people werent so fucking weird abt fictional or onscreen lesbians maybe thered be a lot more people comfortable bein#out as lesbian#like sorry but this awful ouroboros of 'all lesbians onscreen have to be cute and sanitized' meaning that people write and believe wlw has#to be cute and pure and sanitized (OR a 'badge of honor' bc good for u u doodled two women together or had it as a background in ur fic)#meaning that therefore all portrayals of lesbianism continue to be like this. is just#and im also gonna be honest theres probably a lot of good sapphic media im just in the wrong circles to have stumbled into lol. so#yknow. personal viewer bias here#but i still like swing wildly between overly brandishing my dykeness as a badge to feel like im proving im lesbian#and like. backing up under a blanket bc i dont wanna be weird or annoying or freak people out#but if people just Saw Normal Ass Lesbians. aough.#im going to watch revolutionary girl utena one of these days even if i struggled w the writing style the first few episodes#I JUST WANNA SEE AN OLD BUTCH ONSCREEN GET SOME PUSSY.#like it also doesnt help im mostly femme4butch so seeing 2 femmes on screen is like. okay cool so what. but only femmes are 'marketable'
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dear mom, one day ill be living in a big old city and all youll ever be is mean :)
#for all my friends with abusive alcoholic bullies for mothers out there :)#jrnlsht#i have tentatively tentatively let my friend at the artists house into my life#sometimes people call her my mom and i dont correct them#and i think she would let me adopt her as family completely if i wasnt so afraid of it#sometimes i freak out because i rely on her too much in a way that is beyond friendship and then i isolate until she reminds me its ok im o#she knows more about me than anyone else in the world#when im sad she lets me be sad#when i was depressed when i was young my mother would hit me#and that difference alone should provide justification for people to shut the fuck up about how i should keep talking to my mother#i am terrified of emotional closeness because a part of me still believes that as soon as i let someone be as close as family#that person will turn abusive#from a young age I understood that my mother believed she could abuse us because we were family and we could not escape#people are like so your mother was a horrible person#no. not true. she was gorgeous charming witty she could befriend anyone. she was the most generous person i have ever known#she spent all her kindness on other people and saved all the cruelty for us kids and i both understood it but never understood it growing u
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how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?
#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk#i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.#so what's left?#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like#ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing#the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?#because i WANT to be more#i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy#but i dont know how to get there#and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me#all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself#i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do#anyway.#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol#im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM#lilac rambles
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literally genuinely and seriously i need to get mimzy out of hh NEOWWWWW. the fact that fuckass show owns her is so sick and twisted its actually sickening. literally GET HER OUTTA THERE!!!
#MIMZYYYYYYYY SAVE MEEE MIMZYYYYYYYYY#OUUUUGHHHH SHORT FAT SELF-DESTRUCTIVE WEIRDO FREAK FLAPPER GIRL FROM THE 1930S SAVE ME!!!!!#they dont deserve her im gonna be SICK.#speaking.mp4
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