#save me secretary gerard | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

non-bunnary · 5 years ago

Text

Fuck it, Gerry Lives AU

I don’t know if I’m gonna do anything more for this but uh here we go

Rating: T

Pairing: Jongerry, some brief onesided Jonmartin

Takes place in some nebulous season 1 pre-worms timeframe

------

There was a man outside Jon’s office.

He was a tall man, long black hair showing blonde roots, dressed head to toe in gothic attire, and holding a plastic bag leisurely by his side as he scrolled his phone. He was leaning against the wall, as if he was in no hurry to be anywhere, and only glanced up when Martin was almost directly in front of him.

“Uh...hi,” he said, unsure how to address this stranger. Had he come to give a statement? Most of them went through Elias’ secretary first. Besides that, Jon’s office door was firmly closed. If he was expecting him, wouldn’t it have been open? “Sorry, uh...can I help you?”

The man glanced him over, his gaze falling on Martin’s face with a small smile. “You’re Martin, right? Or are you Tim? Don’t think he’s ever described you before.”

“Sorry??” Martin was a bit taken aback by how this stranger, this completely random person off the street, knew not only his name but his fellow assistant’s name. Maybe not a statement-giver, but one of the dark figures in the statements themselves? He took a step back, ready to bolt if need be, but the stranger only seemed more amused.

“Jon mentioned you. Though, mentioned is a generous term. He can be a bit mean until you get to know him.” The man jerked his head toward the door, where Martin could hear Jon speaking faintly, recording a statement. “I was waiting for him to be done. He forgot his lunch.”

“O-oh...” Martin had kind of assumed Jon didn’t have friends. The man was so prickly, it was a wonder anyone could stand to be around him. If Martin didn’t have to for his job, he probably would have avoided him. “Sorry, you’re Jon’s, ah...flatmate?”

The man chuckled. “Something like that.” He pocketed his phone and held out a hand to Martin to shake. There were little eye tattoos around every joint and Martin found himself fascinated by them before he remembered to actually shake the man’s hand, more out of polite reflex than anything else. “The name’s Gerard, by the way. Friends call me Gerry.”

“Nice to meet you.” Now that the initial fear had settled down, Martin found the man to have a kind face. He even stood up straighter while he was talking to Martin, hands tucked casually in his pockets. It felt like all his attention was on Martin at once, and he found it overwhelming as he glanced around. “So...I’m not sure how long Jon’s going to be. Sometimes it takes him a while and he starts doing research right after.”

“That’s alright, I can wait.” Gerard’s smile widened. “Actually, if you’re not busy, mind talking with me?”

“Uh, well...” It wasn’t that Martin was busy so much as Gerard’s attention on him felt too close and intimate. It wasn’t malicious, at least as far as he could tell, but it was all-encompassing. He was used to people only half paying attention to him when they spoke. Luckily, he was saved from answering by the door swinging open between them.

Jon startled as he saw Martin standing outside his door, then startled again when he noticed Gerry. “Christ...have you two just been standing outside my office??”

“Was waiting for you.” Gerry held up the plastic bag. “You forgot your lunch at home. Thought I’d swing by.”

“I told you not to...” His eyes glanced furtively toward Martin, who was watching this exchange with a somewhat detached air. “Gerry...”

“Oh, so I’m Gerry in front of your staff, hm?” The taller man stepped closer with a grin. “What, scared I’ll ruin your reputation as a sour bastard?”

Jon scowled and snatched the offered bag. “That’s not what I meant.” He glanced toward Martin once more before jerking his head toward the office. “Goodbye, Martin. Thank you for...showing Gerry here.”

“Ah...no problem?” In truth, he hadn’t done anything at all, but he didn’t have the chance to say that before Jon and the mystery flatmate disappeared into his office. Gerard waved goodbye with a cheery expression as they went inside.

Martin couldn’t help but notice that the door didn’t close all the way.

He should leave. He should just walk away and respect Jon’s privacy. Then again...he was desperately curious, and it wasn’t as if Jon was exactly doing him any favors.

Trying to be as quiet as possible, he sidled up next to the door so he could hear.

“Come on, Jon, it’s not like I was announcing it or anything.” That would be Gerard’s voice. It sounded a bit less jokey, maybe more genuinely apologetic.

Jon sighed, and for a moment, Martin wasn’t even sure what he was hearing. Had Jon ever made any noise in his presence that wasn’t full of disdain? “It’s fine. You just surprised me is all.” He heard the sound of food containers being opened. “Oh, you got that curry I like. Thank you.”

“Course. Gimme a bite.” Martin chanced it to glance inside, getting a very limited view of the office through the cracked door but managing to zero in on the two figures. Gerard was perched on Jon’s desk, his legs swinging as the other man fed him a spoonful of curry.

“Oh! Shoot, sorry.” Jon had pulled the spoon away too soon and got a bit on Gerard’s pants. He reached for the napkins in the bag and began to wipe him down.

Then something happened to make Martin think, perhaps they weren’t just flatmates.

Gerard opened his legs and pulled Jon closer to him, arms slung over his shoulders casually. Jon didn’t see bothered by this at all, tossing the napkin away and leaning into the other man. This was another first for Martin; the expression he had on his face was one he had no idea Jon was capable of making.

It was...happiness. Jon was happy.

Then he pulled Gerard down with a hand on the back of his neck and kissed him, barely a chaste brush of lips, but the grin on his face was unmistakable. It was a kiss of two individuals who were comfortable around each other, who loved each other deeply, and it was a side of Jon that made something in Martin’s chest twist and ache in a way it never had before.

As quietly as he could, he stumbled away from the door. He wasn’t sure exactly where he was going, but he knew he couldn’t stand around and watch this. That would be well beyond an invasion of privacy.

He tried to tell himself the hammering in his heart was adrenaline.

#the magnus archives #gerard keay #jonathan sims #jongerry #tma

124 notes · View notes

stereksecretsanta · 5 years ago

Text

Merry Christmas, @PrincessaBitchessa!

Hello hello! I got a bunch of the things you asked for and, like my previous two works, this is completely stupid fluffy goodness and I hope it'll put a smile on your face! Merry Christmas!

Read on AO3

*****

Infamnia

The money lasted longer than he thought it would, but not long enough to get out of the dog house of all the debt from medical bills and the mortgage. Stiles didn’t know what to do, how to find himself out of the zeroes and commas and the red ink on the envelopes, until he remembered the letter inside the safe his father set aside before he was killed. He pulled it out from where he’d locked t away, wanting nothing to remind him of what took the better part of two years to even partially come to terms with.

The blue-lined paper still had the frayed edges from where it was torn from a notebook, and the penmanship was as dicey as his father’s ever was.

Stiles I’m so sorry you have to read this letter. But since you are, let me say that whatever happened to me was not your fault. It wasn’t, Stiles, and if you’re blaming yourself I’m going to haunt your scrawny little ass. Don’t. There’s more that I want to say than I can ever put into paper, but this is held securely in the safe specifically because this information is extremely confidential.

If you’re ever in trouble, if you need money, protection, a job, anything, you give the following number a call, and ask for whatever Hale is in charge. You tell them you’re John and Claudia Stilinski’s son. They’ll take care of you. Whatever you find out about me, about what I did and what I accepted, know that it was to protect the town. From what it didn’t want to know about. They owe me a debt, one that I saved for you.

Love you, kid

Dad

Stiles’ bony fingers trembled slightly as he held the paper, mulling over the words as if this was the first time he’d read them. In truth, it was the first time he ever was really taking in the meaning. While he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what exactly whatever you find out about me, about what I did meant, he would maybe check this out before selling foot pics.

Phone in hand, he tapped a pen on his knee, waiting for someone to pick up. Pick up pick up pick up pick u- THANK YOU.

“You’ve reached Beacon Hills Wildlife Preserve Management, how may I help you?” Secretaries all had this extremely creepy customer service voice that was robotic. Every one of them had the same voice.

What in the flying technicolor fuck was the Beacon Hills Wildlife Preserve number doing in this bizarrely ominous letter? This couldn’t be real. “Uh, could I talk to whoever’s in charge?” He sounded so lame. He could hear himself sounding so incredibly lame.

“May I ask for the purpose of your call so I can route you to the correct person?” The woman’s voice indicated that she could hear his lameness.

“Uh, I got bills I need to pay and I need help, I was told to call the number.”

“I’m sorry, we have no open positions at this ti-“

“Wait, wait wait, can I speak to the, uh, Hale in charge?” He remembered there was a name in the letter, maybe the name would help.

“Transferring your call now.” The voice cut directly to a hold tone. Well, that got him instant results.

The pen tapping his knee increased in speed as he waiting for someone to pick up the phone.

----

“This is completely insane.” Talia Hale rubbed her temples, a headache coming on. The fae wanted to move their court to the Preserve, even though that would not only effectively shut down anyone else trying to use the land. Some true galaxy-brain level genius released no less than five wolpertingers into the forest and now every one of her soldiers was out hunting goddamn flying jackalopes. And now, this.

“We have to do something, though.” Laura stood in the middle of the room, arms folded. “They won’t just stop here. Jerry’s bloodthirsty, and he wants a werewolf with an apple in his mouth on his Christmas dinner table.”

“Not it.” Peter said, because it was the most inappropriate thing that he could possibly say. He felt the eyes of the ladies staring at him, and decided not to acknowledge it. “Would you prefer nose game?”

“Thank you for your contribution.” Unhelpful ass. Talia stood, looking at the map of the preserve on the center table in the room. The lines marked out territories, the fenced off areas for endangered species, paranormally important spots, the Nemeton of course, everything of relevance. And right on their eastern border was a brand new Argent Armory establishment. How they got clearance for that when California had some very impressive gun laws was beyond her. The local lines had been redrawn and somehow those French-blooded fucks had gotten the ordinances to allow a firing range. Which would allow them to have a massive store house of guns and ammunition right there, so they could plan to clean house.

“Can we claim it’ll disturb the birds?” Laura offered. “It must, right?”

“Maybe. But you know the people love their guns. And don’t care about birds.” The phone started ringing across the room. “I’m more worried one of em will gun down a wolpertinger and then I’ll have way too many questions to answer.” The door opened brusquely and a young man strode in, looking cross as ever, throwing the body of a rabbit-quail-deer looking thing on Talia’s desk. “Number three.” He was slightly out of breath, looking at the body like it had personally called him a bitch. “And maybe they won’t shoot wolpertingers, but someone definitely did fucking shoot me.” He yanked off his coat and, yep, that was a bullet wound on his shoulder.

Laura poked it, just to hear him yell at her. Cain instinct.

“Stop it.” Talia gently smacked Laura’s hand. “You see who did it?”

“Y’even need to ask?” He snapped. He watched Gerard Argent smile and wave just a little from his property line, walking back as calm as he pleased at the edge of the woods. The bullet wasn’t wolfsbane, but in a way that was even worse. A wolfsbane bullet would at least do something. It would kill him, yeah, but it was a purpose that had a ‘reasonable’ point. The point of this mundane bullet was just to piss him off. And it was working.

“Will someone answer that phone?” Talia asked, fussing over her wounded boy.

---

Stiles sat in the office of the BHWPM headquarters, with a cup of coffee in his hands. The woman in front of him had introduced herself as Talia Hale, and given that two of the children in the room had the same severe cheekbones, dark hair, and piercing stare like they could see right into his bone marrow, he was fairly certain they were her children. They were attractive in the exact way that terrified him, which was probably not a good thing, because that was definitely his type. “Your father has done a great deal for us over the years, we are happy to help you now in payment for the help he gave you. Is it money you need?” Talia asked, looking over the young man. While not unkempt, there was something in the rakish hair and the unpressed shirt that said he might not be doing so well.

“A job would probably be better, I’ve been trying to get further in the FBI, but-“ He shrugged, not keen to detail his psychiatric history to people he didn’t know. “That’d be more of a help than a one-time get-outta-debt free card.”

“The FBI?” Talia asked, looking at him with new eyes. “Do you know what your father did with us, exactly?”

Stiles was entirely clueless. “I’m....guessing he helped clear drunk hooligans outta the preserve?” Stiles was definitely not the drunk hooligans ever, shut up. “Nah, I’m guessing he helped you hide bodies, smuggle people, and/or doctored police records for Scary One and Scary Two over there, and instead of taking bribes he took it on future favors.” The vibe in this room was way too Corleone for it to not be some undercover operation.

While the woman’s expression didn’t shift even at the comment to her own children, something in her eyes imperceptibly altered. Something a bit like amusement, or interest. “Would you want a job with someone who would do those kinds of things?”

“If my dad thought it was a good thing to do, it must have been for damn good reasons. I’m willing to find out.

“Derek, why don’t you take Stiles to get a proper suit. If he’s running with us, we need him looking the part.” Talia said with a smile. “And get him a proper gun.”

Scary Two: Tall Dark And Terrifying stepped forward and walked Stiles out the door without a word. He could work with that, and hey, any excuse to ogle the boss’ kid, right?

-----------

And Stiles thought those little fuckin wolpertingers were bad.

This was, in fact, infinitely worse.

He sat next to Derek in their little foxhole, only yards away from the Argent stronghold. Apparently Cora, the last piece of the Hale puzzle, and the so-described baby of the family, was inside. Who the fuck steals a baby, Stiles thought. And every one of them was ready to go utterly feral to get it.

Feral being both the operative word and unsettlingly accurate, as it turns out, with his boss lady on all fours and snarling at the people lobbing smoke grenades at them. Derek had his fangs out and everything, but luckily said nothing about how clearly Stiles wanted to climb him like a slightly more angular pine.

Because werewolves. Of course werewolves. Why wouldn’t there be werewolves.

Stiles popped out of the foxhole and nailed one of the Argent soldiers directly in his face, giving a startle to the others behind the line and giving an opportunity.

Stiles didn’t run out first, everyone else could go first and get shot at, he didn’t really want to catch any of them. Instead, he snuck out and around the melee, getting his gangly ass right into their stronghold as Talia was probably ripping someone’s throat out. Ew.

Inside was warm, and a little off-beat. “Hey, Cora?! Where you at!” He hissed, gun drawn in case someone stayed behind. He snuck around, looking for where the baby would be. Make a sound kiddo, come on, something, Uncle Stiles didn’t have a super-sniffer equipped.

After poking around what felt like a century, he finally heard the whine of an itty bitty kid, and lo there the child was, adorable as a button. “Aw, heya kiddo, c’mere.” He picked up the child, humming a little to try and keep them calm as he now had the great joy of having to get out of there. With the kid. He walked the whole back-asswards way around to stay far enough away from gunshots and yelling, because if that baby started crying, both of their asses would be dead! And the werewolves could smell his and Cora’s cocktail of gross or whatever, they could track him down anyway and it would be fine! Cora was fine, he was fine, everything was Gucci.

Back at the headquarters, he started looking around for anything that would help the child, blankets or diapers or at least something. But there wasn’t even a car-seat or anything. Where were they keeping the kid if the whole family was there the whole damn time? Stiles sat in one of the office chairs, baby sleeping soundly on his chest, as he waited for the family to get back.

There was no calm awakening for either, as a foot blasted through the door of the wildlife preserve office, splintering it instead of opening it. The sound of the voice cursing was definitely Derek, and he busted it down properly, a slight girl’s arm over his shoulder and a quart or so of blood apiece on everyone.

“Stiles, where the fuck did you go, we-“ Derek halted his scolding when he looked at him.

“Shhhhh, you’ll wake Cora up!” Stiles hissed.

Derek blinked those stupid pretty eyes as he looked truly lost for words. “Stiles.”

“Yeah?”

“Where did you get a baby?”

“Whaddaya mean? In the stronghold, where you all said-“

“This is Cora.” He said, pointing to the unconscious woman he dragged in.

Oh. Baby of the family meant. Youngest sibling not. Actual infant. Huh.

Huh.

So then who exactly was he holding???

“Who the fuck steals a baby?” Peter asked, pointing at the kidnapper.

Stiles looked at the child like it had turned into a 30 megaton nuke.

Talia sighed. “Stiles.”

“Yes’m.”

“....Laura, go get some formula and diapers. I’ll....ask around about the baby.”

----

Stiles didn’t get into the family business to actually start a family. This was not his intention in the slightest. But here he was, singing a very off-key Jurassic Park theme song he composed himself to a tiny baby girl he decided to call Izzy, after his suggestions of Katie, Smelborp, Stormageddon, Cirilla, and Dreamsmasher were all shot down.

Derek walked in, and stood next to Stiles, hands out, offering to take the kiddo. Derek shouldn’t be allowed to dress down ever in Stiles’ presence, because the thin tee and the sweatpants were doing far too many good things for him. Too much was on display.

“No. Mine. Go kidnap your own.”

Derek exhaled, which was as close as Stiles ever got to a laugh from him. “C’mon, you’re dead on your feet, you adrenaline crashed hours ago, and the kid’s not falling asleep anytime soon. Give her over, alright?”

“Mine.”

“I get it, I get it, you like the kid. But what happens when you get attached and we have to hand the kid back over?” Derek folded his arms, and it....hhough he shouldn’t be allowed to fold his arms either, what were those arms even??? It wasn’t fair. Stupid werewolf whatever magic bullshit.

“Give her back?” Stiles asked, offended by the suggestion. No, they were not giving Isabel back, no no no, not happening.

“Yes, give her back. Do you think you can just keep her here forever? The Argents might burn the whole preserve down if this is one of their daughters. You don’t have a birth certificate for her, even.”

“Shhhhhh stop saying sense words.”

Derek slipped his arms in and yoinked the baby before Stiles could react, but as soon as the baby was nestled against him, Stiles didn’t have the heart. Derek looked hot as hell all the time, but that, with the light from the lamp bouncing off of his face, and even a smile? He was beautiful. “There, was that so hard?”

“Yes. Give her back.” But Stiles wasn’t trying to take her back, he knew in a battle of strength he wasn’t going to win that. Unless it was strength of will, that he could go toe-to-toe with any of them. Stiles sat in one of the chairs, ready for a long night ahead of him, watching Derek pace softly in socked feet around the room.

With Izzy settled in a makeshift crib, Derek sat in another chair, rubbing his eyes that were still dusted with gunpowder and smoke from the fight. Cora was up and running again, talking things over with Talia and Laura, his job was to watch the baby. And Stiles, though they came as a joint package.

Stiles fiddled with a fraying end of the chair. Ever since he joined the family months ago, he didn’t ask any of the specifics of what his father did, but he was curious. “You know what my dad did, exactly, to get this kind of treatment for me?”

Derek looked up. “You sure you want to know?”

“Yes.” Stiles had stolen a baby he wasn’t exactly king of the moral high ground that day.

Derek sighed, thin mouth pressed so tight it was almost one dimensional. But something in his mind must have won out, that Stiles deserved to know, so he told. About how he was fifteen, with a girlfriend, and given some frankly terrible advice from Peter, that ended up getting her in a bad way, and Derek had to snap her neck. It was a mercy kill, but that was a dead girl’s body, and any whiff of that reaching the public would ruin Derek’s life forever.

Talia and Claudia had been friends for years, so when Talia asked for John to come to the preserve, no lights no sirens, for a favor, she made a leap of faith that John wouldn’t betray her family. But he didn’t. John fixed the autopsy results to show she was hit by a car, fixed everything up so she was mourned by her family in the normal way for a tragic death, and no one was the wiser that Derek had killed her.

Stiles was silent for a long time after that. Derek thought he’d fallen asleep, but finally Stiles spoke. “He did the right thing. He warned me, you know, that he did and accepted some things I might not like. But that’s....that’s not what happened.” They looked at each other for a moment, the quiet intimacy of secrets laid bare broken by the sound of a stirring baby.

“Aw c’mon Izzy, please just sleeeeep.....be a good lil Mafia princess for me, huh?” Stiles begged, getting up.

“We’re not the Mafia!” Derek objected.

“You wear suits, you talk about the family business, you run a front organization to alter cashflow, just cause you’re wolves doesn’t make you not-Mafia.”

----

“She’s a spark.” Talia announced to the collected family, Izzy playing with the square in Derek’s suit pocket.

“Shiiiiit, where’d they get one of those?” Peter asked, side-eyeing the little one. Someone snapped at him about his language choices, but it didn’t matter, as he would continue to do what he wanted. Stiles didn’t care for Peter too much in general, but after hearing what happened with Derek and Paige, he was not exactly feeling it.

“Explanation for the newbie?” Stiles asked with a raised hand.

“Spark, you know, magical talent. Some channel it into Druidism, some channel it in other magical schools of thought, that kind of thing. They become our emissaries, or...if the Argents raise one up from the ground, a devastating weapon.” Laura explained, looking at Isabel with a look more concerned and less suspicious.

“Oh, you mean like this?” Stiles snapped both sets of fingers, and a shot of electricity arced from one thumb to the other.

Every wolf in the room stared at him in utter silence for a solid ten seconds of uncomfortable quiet.

“Stiles.” Derek ventured the conversation.

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell us you could do that.”

“Didn’t ask.”

“Are you always this- never mind I know you are.” Derek shook his head.

Stiles grinned at being so well known, but the conversation was too serious for many jokes. “We’re not giving the her back to those unhinged fu- people, are we? She’s like me. Mine.”

“Well. That depends. If she was born to one of them, they are their child.” Talia wouldn’t like that if it were the case. “But, the fact that the police haven’t knocked on our door tells me that either they think we’ll kill the kid if they do, or they have no better right to her than anyone else. I think it’s the latter. However, they’ll bring their whole force against us to get her back. If we had John-”

Stiles froze at the mention of his father’s name, but said nothing more.

“If we had John, we would definitely be able to sort her paperwork out. But we don’t. We need to find a new contact in the police that can arrange us those papers. Until we get that, Derek and Stiles, I want you both to take her into the vault with everything you need to last a week with her. You’ll be safe there. Any questions?”

Stiles raised his hand again. “Is there wi-fi in the vault?”

---

There was no wi-fi in the vault.

There was also no cell service either, which meant no Netflix, which meant no video games, no Youtube, nothing to amuse him. And it was only two days in. He had nothing. Except for, of course, annoying Derek. At least Derek was very generous in this.

“Twenty questions.”

“No.”

“I’m thinking of....a noun.”

“No.”

By four days, Stiles had run out of annoyances and had drifted into just mindlessly babbling at Izzy, while Derek’s forehead wrinkles got worse and worse with every minute that his brain cells slipped away.

On the sixth day, Derek finally decided to play ball. Either Stiles had worn him down enough, or maybe the two bottles of whiskey were going to help him cope.

“Truth or dare?” Stiles offered, smile with as he took the offered booze.

“Only because I don’t have a deck of cards. As a warning, never play Laura in King’s Cup, she has never lost a game and given me alcohol poisoning three times.”

“How does the whiskey even work on you, Mr. Healsalot.”

“Is Healsalot the best you can do?”

“Shut up.”

“It’s actually a bit of halite. Disables werewolf abilities while in close proximity, if something happens I toss it away as quick as possible and I’m good in, I’d say a minute or so with this level of exposure. Cora had a couple day’s worth, which is why she was knocked out.”

“Gotcha.” At least it made as much sense as anything else these weirdo furries got up to. Once each had downed a respectable amount of alcohol, they could begin. “Alright, truth or dare, big guy.”

“Dare.”

“Dare you toooooo.....fuck never mind there’s nothing fun to dare you with in here. These are all your family’s valuables and shit how am I supposed to dare you to dress up in Auntie Myrtle’s wedding dress and sing Poker Face on video for my own personal blackmail?”

“Truth, then.”

“You like guys?”

Derek stared at the directness of the question. “Subtle, aren’t we?”

“Literally never.”

“Okay. Sometimes.” Stiles didn’t look happy about the answer. “Why did you steal the baby?”

“I thought she was Cora!”

“You thought they wouldn’t have any sort of defenses around the hostage they’d taken from the werewolf family that they were fighting a turf war with?!”

“Shhhhhhh it’s fine it’s fine it all worked out right?”

“Did it? We’re hiding in a vault, that you have not stopped bitching about once since we came in here, and we might be giving her back, and even if we don’t, who’s going to take care of her?”

“Me.”

“You.”

“Moi. Yo. Io. You want it in any other language?”

“Polish?”

“Fuck you.”

“You wish.” Derek had something of a grin as he took another shot.

“Do you wish you could fuck me?” Stiles was getting bolder a couple shots in.

Derek took a moment to answer. “Sometimes.” Vague bastard.

“Oh? Like when?”

“Ah ah ah, my turn.” Derek took a swig, forgetting the dainty shot glass. “How many moles you got?”

“You wanna count em up?”

“Not an answer.”

“Over a hundred.”

Derek nodded, considering this thought as carefully as someone half-drunk really can. “Interesting.”

“Where do your eyebrows go when you shift?”

“How the fuck am I supposed to answer that question?”

“It’s your body, dude! How am I supposed to know how many moles I got when you don’t know where your friggin eyebrows go?!?!” Stiles’ limbs flailed as he gesticulated his exasperation.

“You’re gonna wake Izzy.” Derek warned. The baby was in another room of the vault so she could sleep while the adults could have their last-day-of-vaulting fun.

“Alright alr- wait, you called her Izzy.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yeeeeeeees, yes you did you called her Izzy instead of the baby. You like her.”

“Shhh.”

“New question: do you like Isabel Stilinski-Hale, the new baby of the family?”

Derek chuckled, man he really must be drunk. “We’re hyphenating?”

“I found her so I get first billing, but like y’all took me in so like, I guess you can join. Whatever.”

“Yes, I like the kid. She’s pretty good for a baby. Only projectile vomited on me twice. That’s not bad.”

“She’s the best kid.”

“Do you really think you’re in a good place to adopt her right now in your life?”

“Nooooo stop with the serious questions.” Stiles whined. “Serious ones aren’t fun let’s get back to the flirty ones those were fun.”

“It’s my question.” Derek shrugged.

“If I stole you as a kid I’d name you Moodkiller the Great.”

“Is ‘the Great’ my last name or is ‘the’ my middle name, like Kermit.”

“God you’re such a fucking nerd.”

“You know, no, I’m not in like the...perfect spot. But who IS when they get a kid? And I got the magic thing, and she does, so like....I dunno, she’s got no one else, probably, so.....wouldn’t you guys help me?” Stiles’ big dark eyes looked so beautiful in the scant light of the vault. Derek’s kryptonite.

“Of course we would, don’t be stupid.” Derek mumbled, looking away.

“.....Isabel Stilinski-Haaaale you’re gonna come home with uuuuuuus.” Stiles grinned, getting his own way.

“Whose turn is it?” Derek asked, not sure where the game had gone.

“Mmmmmine. I think. Maybe. Does it matter?”

“Guess not.”

Stiles paused for a second, looking at the distance between them on the floor, the thought process unfolding before Derek’s eyes as he saw Stiles decide exactly how to ambulate himself closer. With a thud, Stiles flopped on top of him and they fell flat on the floor.

“Ow.”

“Oh shut up that didn’t hurt, you big baby.” Stiles wasn’t going to let Derek get another word in, pressing his mouth against his, clumsy and off-center and everything bizarrely fitting together despite everything.

Derek only let Stiles win that for a half a second, before pinning Stiles down to the floor himself.

----

Stiles’ hangover next day was legendary. The wakeup screaming baby was violence to his ears and Derek was disgustingly FINE and Stiles hated him so much except for the fact that he still wanted to make out with his stupid face. Once he got up off the floor maybe. Everything hurt. Ow.

“C’mon, dumbass, Mom and Laura showed up outside, they said we got the kiddo and gotta go fill out the paperwork at the station. Gotta tell the world she’s your girl.”

“Yeah.” Stiles mumbled a little, looking up at Derek with the baby on his hip. “Mine.”

#PrincessaBitchessa #stereksanta19 #*fics19 #*gifts19

18 notes · View notes

milligramspoison · 2 years ago

Text

I’m back with this portion of the list!! Let’s get this show rolling, my (and fan!) favorite (and iconic) moments from this portion of the tour :)

New Zealand:

First photo of Gerard since November!!

Photo of Gerard crashes Instagram

New photo of Mikey and Frank together!

New photos of Gerard during soundcheck!!

Not tour stuff, but a new art piece from Gerard dropped hours before My Chem takes the stage!

CAMERA MAN SPOTTING

Possible drone footage??

CAMERAS AT BARRIER

FIRST PHOTO OF RAY SINCE NOVEMBER

Grasshopper at the show gets many cheers from fans

Frank becoming a meme during the Lips set

Vacuum guy was replaced </3 (not a favorite or iconic just DEVASTATING)

Crowd sang Rocketman by Elton John while waiting for MCR!

The Elton John-Dua Lipa collab also randomly played lol

MCRTWT revived the horse while MCR was running late

SECRETARY GERARD

“I WATCHED A GUY MAKE A GIRL SCREAM ON COMMAND ONCE”

“HES FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE AND I WANT TO SET HIM FREE” DURING DESTROYA

“This time it’s personal” at the end of Give ‘Em Hell Kid

Gerard apparently saved a grasshopper off the speaker during Destroya!! (this sadly doesn’t age well)

“MAKE SOME ROOM FOR YOUR FRIENDS IN BLACK”

“It’s not the end. It never ends. Because war never ends.” Intro to Mama!!

Gerard saying fuck you at the perfect time

“Be who the fuck you are” intro to WTTBP!

The backdrop has stars!! (this first happened in Mexico but wasn’t spotted until Auckland!)

“WELCOME. WELCOME. WELCOME. TO THE DESTROYER!” INTRO TO DESTROYA

NEW LYRIC DURING FOUNDATIONS

Giant broccoli in the crowd…yeah

And a banana was in the crowd!

The backdrop also had rain!!!

“FUCKIN SHOOT ME” during Give ‘Em Hell Kid!

“YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE I CRASHED THE CAR WITH”

Gerard had a towel on their head

Gerard opens a water bottle with their mouth and then tosses it into the audience

Gerard poses with Gerard Way street sign

GERARD HAD A BRIEFCASE

“I loveeeee you! I love you.”

WTTBP was the encore!!

GERARD MURDERED THE FUCKING GRASSHOPPER </3

The grasshopper Gerard crushed to death was named Jiminy

Gerard gave a letter to a fan at the airport to head to Brisbane, thanking the fans and telling them they were a very special audience <3

Australia:

MCR’s first time back in Australia in 11 years! (Brisbane night 1)

Mikey was spotted twice before the show!

BEEMER IS INTERVIEWING FANS AGAIN

SECRETARY GERARD FOR THE SECOND NIGHT IN A ROW

Gerard gave a shoutout to Jimmy Eat World!

PINK HANDKERCHIEF

EAGLES FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE #MCRVEGAS IN OCTOBER

EAGLES IS IN THE FUCKING ENCORE

VACUUM GUY RETURNED

They sound checked Skylines!! (Brisbane night 2)

SECRETARY GERARD FOR THE THIRD NIGHT IN A ROW

GERARD IS WEARING PERFUME

LAST DAY OF SUMMER…POSSIBLE MCR5 TEASE??

EAGLES FOR THE SECOND NIGHT IN A ROW

“WHAT YOU GOT UNDER YOUR SKIRT” FOR TEENAGERS

CEMETERY DRIVE A CAPELLA

Gerard patting Mikey’s head during FLW <3

A couple got engaged after the show!!

Some fans did the macarena during Mama!!

They played Pony for vacuum guy again!

Ray and Gerard had breakfast with fans the morning after the show!

Gerard spotted in shorts before the show! (Melbourne night 1)

Frank spotted with a dog!

GERARD IS BORDERLINE SHIRTLESS

BIG ASS CAMERA

The crowed cheering for someone catching Pokémon in Pokémon Go

SECRETARY/DIRECTOR GERARD FOR THE 4TH NIGHT IN A ROW

EAGLES FOR THE THIRD NIGHT IN A ROW

EAGLES WAS THE THIRD SONG ON THE SETLIST, THE EARLIEST THEYVE EVER PERFORMED IT

EVERYBODY DIES IN A CATHEDRAL BIG LYRIC CHANGE

“She takes a photograph, and kisses it goodbye” NEW LYRIC IN EAGLES

TIT WINDOW SHIRT RETURNS FROM WAR

“I want this song to go out to my daughter. Who is the fucking coolest person in the world”

Gerard dedicated Teenagers to Bandit <3

“Like my diamond. Like my diamond ring. Like my diamond ring. Like my DIAMOND RING” into Sorrows!!

“I’m gonna be a guitar!”

GERARD HOWLED BEFORE WOLVES

FRANK HOWLED DURING WOLVES

A fan asked for Dead but they didn’t do it :’)

Ray and his wine returns!

Gerard and Frank spotted together with fans! (Melbourne night 2)

Dunes was played on the radio before My Chem!

A fan watching soccer/football while waiting for MCR

Dad clothes!!

Drum says bark bark bark

FRANK MOANING DURING BURY ME IN BLACK

Gerard praising the echo pedals

GERARD’S HAT RETURNS!

Couldn’t hear Mikey AT ALL during Vampire Money (the usual lol)

Frank making unhuman like noises during Vampire Money (also pretty usual)

EAGLES FOR THE 4TH NIGHT IN A ROW

Gerard is randomly in a new jacket

Gerard sang Mama wrong

“Fuck the radio” ~ Frank Iero

Gerard’s pants randomly ripped

“I watched a man…I watched a man make a woman scream on command in horror. And it was fucked up” again!!

Gerard talked about Elena (their and Mikey’s grandma) and Bandit before going into Helena <3

“This is the first song of your life” heading into Skylines!

Ray running to Gerard and hugging him after his Kids solo <3

BLOODY SECRETARY/DIRECTOR GERARD (Sydney night 1)

Frank wrote unkillable on the drum- this is his first time back in Sydney since his accident <3

GERARD HAS A HAIRBRUSH

EAGLES FOR THE FIFTH NIGHT IN A ROW

PONYTAIL RAY

Gerard got the song wrong before World is Ugly

Gerard talking about how Bandit got into an art school and how proud he is of her <3

Gerard asking Frank if Cherry, Lily, and Miles are teenagers yet and if they are close :)

Teenagers was dedicated to Bandit once again! <3

Cancer being dedicated to Beemer, who is leaving :(

Ray smiling at Gerard <3

A fan drawing the pro rev fight on their arm 0.0 (Sydney night 2, this is fucking hilarious)

Frank wrote on the drum again <3

Fans can’t bring posters inside because Gerard gets distracted by them

SECRETARY/DIRECTOR GERARD AGAIN

GERARD HAS WHITE OUT CONTACTS

EAGLES FOR THE SIXTH NIGHT IN A ROW

“I’m sweating like a whore in a church”

Ray hyping up the crowd <3

Gerard asking about big cats (presumably a maine coon) before going into Mama

A fan taking a BeReal photo during the show

A KILLJOY MASK ON THE SCREEN

Older fans protecting an 11 year old fan in barrier and giving them Frank’s pick <3

Frank visiting the spot of his accident, 7 years later, placing a black rose on the pavement and spitting on it </3 (neither a favorite or iconic, but a very emotional moment for Frank. I’m so happy he is still here with us and is able to play with his brothers in rock in his favorite band of all time and is able to go home to his family <3)

Japan:

Kristin and the girls are in Japan for the final two shows! (Tokyo)

Not tour stuff, but on the 10 year anniversary of March 22nd, an old classmate of Gerard’s from high school is randomly selling their yearbook

Gerard spotted in a plushie shop and takes a photo with a fan :)

New piece of merch exclusive to the Japan shows!

Mikey is at the Hello Kitty café!

SECRETARY AGAIN WITH A SHIT TON MORE BLOOD

DRUM SAYS GEMINI

Animated background returns!!

Frank being a little shit towards Ray :)

POSSIBLY FILMING THE SHOW??

Crowd chanting Mikey Fuckin Way <3

Camera crew filmed the crowd!!!

GERARD ADDED MORE BLOOD JUST BEFORE ENCORE

GERARD TOOK THEIR HEELS OFF

Ray’s son cheering him on <3

Mikey bringing Rowan on stage at the end of Kids <3

Idk how to explain what Gerard is doing here but yeah

Blood bottles near the drumhead!! (Osaka)

The drumhead is a mirror!!

SECRETARY FOR THE LAST SHOW OF THE TOUR

“TIME, PAIN”

“DISTANCE. SPACE. TIME.”

EAGLES RETURNS FOR THE FINAL SHOW OF THE TOUR

“EVERYBODY LOVES TO PLAY PRETEND”

Teenagers was dedicated to the crowd in Osaka!

Filming the crowd again!!

GERARD WROTE ENDLESS NIGHT ON THE DRUM JUST BEFORE ENCORE

Unexpected one song encore </3

Ending the tour off with the first song they ever released, Vampires </3

Frank and Mikey coming on stage with their kids, Mikey also raising Lily’s arm <3

Cherry in a Mikey Fuckin Way shirt <3

And with that, the 2022-2023 MCR tour is over! Hopefully we can do this again with another MCR tour!

If you’ve made it this far, first of all hi lol, and secondly ty for taking the time to read and go through this!

And most importantly, thank you to all of the fans and MCR for making this experience such an incredible experience <3

So now the portion of the tour for 2022 is over, l'd like to share my (and fan!) favorite (and iconic) moments from it :)

Sorry in advance for the long ass post :P

Europe:

Live debut of Foundations (Eden night 1)

Disappear for the first time since 2010!

Live debut of Surrender the Night <3 (my first MCR song ever so I FLIPPED when this happened)

Live debut of Boy Division!

Gerard crawling on the floor

Frank moaning in Destroya for the first time in years

FINALLY being able to hear Mikey's line in Vampire $$$

Cemetery Drive for the first time since 2012 (Eden night 2)

Only Hope for Me for the first time since 2012

Tour debut of House of Wolves

Ghost of You for the first time since 2011

Tour debut of S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W

Headfirst for Halos for the first time since 2009

Live debut of Mastas

The first two shows having Gerard in normal dad clothes then the third show has the bloody mess we all know as Meta Man (MK night 1)

Deathwish for the first time since 2007

Saying moan instead of actually moaning during Destroya

Bulletproof Heart for the time since 2011 <3 (MK night 2)

Ray and Gerard kissing after Destroya

“How'd you get that off my closet door”

Rat attack documentary played before the show (MK night 3)

Mikey dedicating Helena to Rowan and Kennedy <3

Cancer for the first time since 2012

Rowan dancing on stage before MCR goes on with the crowd cheering for her <3

Piss and vinegar

Tomorrow’s Money live debut (Dublin night 1)

The “fuck the queen” chant

Frank's moans during Destroya

Frank telling a fan to listen to Gerard

Frank picking up a (fake) rat

Piss on stairs (Dublin night 2)

“These are my best friends”

Fuck the queen chant round 2

Ponytail Ray

The birthday balloons for Bandit's 13th birthday (Warrington)

Gerard dedicating Teenagers to Bandit for her 13th birthday

“My little bee keeper”

Gerard cardboard cut out

Save Yourself for the first time since 2011 (Cardiff)

“I'm just giving myself an ass pat, sorry”

Frank attempting to toss a hat onto his head

Oil Gerard (Glasgow)

Na Na Na being dedicated to Grant Morrison

Sleep being dedicated to Kristan Morrison

“It's time to drink my piss”

Grant getting the drum head from the Glasgow show

Frank completely shredding it

Mikey Mouse shirt (Paris)

MERCI POUR LE VENIN

Gerard taking a leap of faith

Joke about drinking Frank’s piss

Video of the band making pancakes (Rotterdam)

Ray playing guitar with his wine glass

Fans recreating this

Mikey wearing a happy birthday Kennedy shirt for Kennedy's 3rd birthday <3 (Bologna)

The crowd singing happy birthday to Kennedy for her 3rd birthday <3

Gerard stating that they hope it won’t be a long time before they come back :)

SHORTS GATE (Munich)

Discussion of Twilight

The Da Vinki twins went to the show in Budapest

Slow clap moment

“How many of you are MCR Veterans..Trademark”

Na Na Na played a second time in Warsaw but faster

Engagement during Teenagers!!

Gerard taking down Stuart

Heaven Help Us played for the first time since 2008 (Prague)

Another mention of wanting to return

Clown Gerard (Berlin)

Story time about playing in Berlin for the first time

Hearing Frank laugh when he’s nowhere near the mic

“THEY ARE GONNA HAVE TO BURY ME IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING FILTHY CLOWN SUIT! I AM NEVER TAKING THIS OFF”

The interesting drum

Poncho Gerard (Stockholm)

“I went a little hard the other night with filth clown”

Pointing a rainbow out to Gerard

Mikey’s crooked heart <3

Pink shirt Gerard (two nights in a row in Bonn)

Admitting to googling their own lyrics (Bonn night 1)

Ray's hair being half up half down

Coughing during Destroya instead of moaning

Gerard talking about Hayley Williams

Frank watching Gerard perform Cancer (Bonn night 2)

Llama on stage (a toy but a real one would’ve been cool too)

Closing off the European portion of the tour with Cancer </3

North America:

Clown Gerard 2.0 (Oklahoma City)

Gerard laughing with sparkling water in their mouth

BURY ME IN BLACK FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2003

BEST DAY EVER FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2005

Sleep with an alternate outro

The shirt incident

“Lighten the fuck up, buttercup!”

Ray breaking his wine glass against his guitar

HANG ‘EM HIGH FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2011 (San Antonio)

Sleep with an alternate intro and different outro

Second unintentional Frerard moment

Besties moment from Ray and Mikey <3

Iero on the floor

Debut of the Sunshine intro leading into Sorrows

CHEERLEADER GERARD CHEERLEADERGATE (Nashville)

Summertime being dedicated to Kristin, Rowan, and Kennedy <3

Kristin livestreaming the show!!

Everyone (except Gerard) wearing Mikey Fuckin Way shirts!

The World Is Ugly for the first time since 2008; live debut of the studio version

Gerard almost drinking their microphone

Gerard twirling around and Ray cheering <3

Rowan and Kennedy’s drawings make their debut <3

Mikey doing a livestream prior to the show!!

Gerard singing on the floor (Cincinnati)

Frank stealing Mikey’s line in Vampire Money

SHORTS GATE 2.0 (Raleigh)

Gerard's story time about Bandit trying to make advil m&ms

Everybody Hates The Eagles live debut (kinda)

LIVE DEBUT OF BURN BRIGHT

Gerard in a bloody eyepatch

Gerard shushing the crowd (jokingly) so they can take advil

Sleep with an extended outro (Elmont)

Shorts for the second night in a row

Everybody Hates The Eagles for the second night in a row

Weird ass mask debut

Two fans wearing Petekey shirts

And someone else had the Petekey arm notes written on them

Anddddd two other people had matching Frerard shirts

Shorts for the third night in a row (Philadelphia)

Vampires for the first time since 2012!!

Pool Boy at the Vampire Mansion <3

Gerard calling Mikey Lil Mikey

Debut of the mystery shirts

Sunshine intro leading into FLW (Albany)

Shorts for the fourth night in a row

Mikey watching Waterparks perform

Priest/bloody eyes Gerard (Uncasville)

Eagles returns to the setlist

Ray and Mikey brushing their teeth before the show

Sunshine intro but with S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W

Skeleton Gerard (Toronto night 1)

CAUSE IM HER KIND OF GIRL AND SHES MY KIND OF BOY

Mikey wearing the happy birthday Goose shirt (Goose is what he calls his mother in law)

CAT GERARD (Toronto night 2)

Frank attempting to kick Mikey (jokingly)

Black Swan Gerard (Boston night 1)

Wholesome picture of Ray and Christa <3

Ray and Gerard colliding then hugging

Best Day Ever being dedicated to Thursday (Boston night 2)

Mikey blowing a kiss to Kristin <3

Frank wearing a headpiece

Ray rocking out with his sons <3

Crowd singing happy birthday to Mikey!! (NYC night 1)

Mikey dedicating Helena to Rowan and Kennedy again <3

Everyone except Gerard wearing Mikey Fuckin Way shirts for Mikey's birthday!

Drum is a Mikey shrine for Mikey's birthday

“How ‘bout you birthday boy?”

Fans wearing party hats for Mikey’s birthday

Gerard wearing the outfit he wore when he witnessed 9/11 (just a special moment honestly; NYC night 2)

DESERT SONG FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2008

Lily pointing Mikey out to Rowan <3

Frank crossing himself during Sorrows

Bathroom photoshoot

Gerard’s story time about running into one of the openers while with Bandit

Frank posting a picture of his ass and getting a ass tattoo (Detroit)

NURSE GERARD

Hey Chris in Detroit

“Lucky for him…I had other plans.”

Crossing out Cancer for Helena (not a favorite or iconic, just offensive lol this is a joke dw)

Hawaiian shirt Way Brothers (St. Paul)

Teenagers being dedicated to Gerard's mailman

Bullet hole makeup

Jackie O Gerard at Riot Fest

Wholesome Jamia moment from the LS Dunes set <3

Wholesome family moment from Frank during Weezer's set <3

Hey Chris at Riot Fest

Frank wearing a bandana around his neck

Frank facetiming his dad just before his set with LS Dunes <3

Mikey watching TBS (Taking Back Sunday) perform

CROP TOP GERARD (Alpharetta)

Teenagers was dedicated to the band's crew

MIKEY WORE EYELINER

First of the hometown shows and Gerard performed with Thursday!! (NJ night 1)

BAT GERARD

I NEVER TOLD YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2008

Best Day Ever with Geoff of Thursday

DEMOLITION LOVERS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2004

Frank Sinatra Gerard (NJ night 2)

PLANETARY GO FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2012

Teenagers was dedicated to Midtown

Cover of Frank Sinatra's My Way

Cherry taking a pic/recording Mikey :)

Miles getting excited when Frank said “trust me” <3

Gerard performing with Thursday

Gabe being one of the reasons why FOB8 is Pete’s villain origin story (iykyk)

BLOUSE GERARD!! (Firefly)

The entire band signs a mannequin leg

“You'll get this at the end of class”

Ghost Gerard!! (Sunrise)

Gerard took the trans flag during WTTBP <3

Frank going out on stage with HGP

Mikey going out on stage with Midtown

Gerard being unable to pronounce Florida

Ended off the east coast portion of the tour with Cancer </3

Dress in Houston!!

“I thought about wearing a dress in Texas before...but that's a story for another time”

Ray posting a peanut with a penis after the show

Mikey going out on stage with Midtown (again)

The return of dad clothes in Dallas

Teenagers was dedicated to the opening acts

“Get fucked at an airport bar”

Mikey wearing a Midtown shirt

Dad clothes again in Denver

Frank interacting with his kiddos <3

Teenagers was dedicated to Sydney

Adam of Taking Back Sunday said opening for MCR was the only way to get Mikey to return his calls

Ray moaning during Planetary Go

“Just sit back, daddy’s gonna take you where you need to go” Adam Lazzara, 2022 (Portland)

Gerard dedicating Teenagers to Taking Back Sunday

Gerard grabbing their phone to look at something

Tomato soup…hm

“Your turn!”

Meta Man cardboard cut out (Tacoma)

Sign for Gerard’s two cats, Mitch and Lotion

Frank going on stage with Kimya

Meredith and Andy went to the show!!!

“Cause if you think Mikey fuckin Way is coming out here to a cold audience, you’re mistaken”

VACUUM GUY AT THE VAMPIRE MANSION

RAY IN A PONYTAIL AGAIN

Teenagers was dedicated to Panda (Kimya’s daughter)

Gerard simping for Robert Pattinson in Batman

Gerard wearing a Twilight shirt

One of Frank’s kiddos giving a fan a paper set list

Smiley face drumhead! (Oakland)

Cum sign

Idk why someone did this but yeah

“Ray and I’s home state. We’ve lived here for...14 years?”

“I see a lot more flesh than usual. It’s fleshy out there”

Mikey and Frank almost bumping into each other before Skylines

Gerard chasing the tech off stage

Singing happy birthday to Worm

Mikey petting Worm’s beard

Gerard in an all black outfit with a rose (Vegas)

Ray rocking out with his sons <3

Ray patting his son’s head <3

Gerard dedicating Teenagers to Bandit again <3

KRISTIN WENT LIVE AGAIN

The drum was for Bandit <3

Engagement during Helena!!

Mikey having a random book signing (Aftershock)

Crowd surfing a…a sex doll during the LS Dunes set

Frank attempting to do a bottle flip at the end of the LS Dunes set

Ray, Jamia, and Frank’s kiddos watching Frank from side stage <3

Gerard’s shirt saying scabs

Gerard gagging on the microphone

The drum saying choke me which goes perfectly with the point above

A deer running around during WTTBP

THEY SOUNDCHECKED DESOLATION ROW (LA night 1)

GERARD WITH A FLAMETHROWER

CHEERLEADER DRESS IS BACK

“This song is about my favorite fucking human” spotlight proceeds to go onto Frank

Gerard got a haircut

THE SHOW WAS FILMED

Teenagers being dedicated to Quentin Tarantino

DESOLATION ROW FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2011

Mikey with his family during I’m Not Okay <3

GERARD COSPLAYING PRINCESS DIANA (LA night 2)

I Never Told You being dedicated to glow in the dark skeleton man

“DO YOU HAVE THE KEYS TO THE LAMBORGHINI BECAUSE IM GONNA DRIVE THAT MOTHERFUCKER INTO A TARGET”

Dedicating Teenagers to a fan

Frank singing Teenagers to Lily <3

Frank hugging one of the twins prior to encore <3

Frank waving to his kids prior to Foundations <3

THEY SOUNDCHECKED ALL THE ANGELS (LA night 3)

THEY SOUNDCHECKED I DON’T LOVE YOU

THE SHOW IS BEING FILMED AGAIN

Foundations being dedicated to Doug </3

I DON’T LOVE YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2019

Teenagers dedicated to a random fan again

KILL ALL YOUR FRIENDS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2008

WTTBP being dedicated to Doug’s wife and kids </3

ALL THE ANGELS LIVE DEBUT

THEY SOUNDCHECKED SING (LA night 4)

GERARD IS DRESSED AS DRACULA

Teenagers being dedicated to Bandit for the third time as well as dedicating it to her friends <3

Bandit attending the show with her friends

RAY SLAPPING GERARD’S ASS AGAIN

Ghost of You in the encore!!

Mikey bringing Rowan on stage for Kids <3

Rowan making heart hands at the crowd <3

THEY SOUNDCHECKED SISTER TO SLEEP TWICE (LA night 5)

VACUUM GUY COSPLAYING GERARD

SISTER TO SLEEP FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2003

SING FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 2012

Teenagers dedicated to the crew

Dinosaur in the pit

GERARD HAS WRITING ON THEIR ARM

FRANK POSSIBLY WROTE ON GERARD’S ARM

LIVE DEBUT OF FAKE YOUR DEATH

Gabe’s son having to be “evicted” during Midtown’s opening set

Ray rocking out with his son during Kids <3

Gerard throwing fake insects to the fans

The final bow </3

Luigi cosplayer comforting emos at the first day of WWWY (cause it was canceled)

Katy Perry welcoming the orphans/emo kids to her Vegas residency show due to the first day of WWWY being canceled

Katy bringing an emo kid on stage with her and starting a mosh

THEYRE ALL IN THEIR REVENGE OUTFITS (WWWY night 2)

FACIAL PROSTHETICS

Opened with I’m Not Okay!

BAT BUCKLE

MIKEY HAS BLOOD ON HIS FACE

FRANK WENT BALD

CONFETTI WAS LITERAL VAMPIRE MONEY

Secretary of Salmonella

Gerard misaddressing the crowd as Utah

First time Foundations isn’t on the setlist since it was released (not a favorite or iconic, just really strange cause we’re all so used to it every night lol)

Frank walking onto the stage like an actual old man

Gerard flipping the crowd off before the show even started

Hayley (from Paramore) mentioning and thanking MCR <3

Person who did their prosthetics last weekend is back! (WWWY night 3)

Adam from TBS sitting on a whole ass person (ik it’s not MCR but it’s too funny to not include)

Foundations returned to the setlist!

Gerard dressed as an army general

GERARD WORE LIPSTICK

OPERA MUSIC BETWEEN SONGS

Mikey wearing the Kristin Fuckin Way shirt <3

GERARD GOT A MEDAL

GERARD BROKE THE MIC STAND AT THE END

Closing off their final US show with Kids </3

Jamia, Kristin, and Christa taking a photo with each other <3

MCR’s first time in Mexico since 2008!

Another sex doll for some reason

“You look good today baby boy” Anthony to Frank during LS Dunes’ set

GERARD IS JOAN OF ARC

Gerard spelt fuego wrong

GERARD SPOKE SPANISH

“WATCH ALL THE SHIT YOU DO”

Mikey winked and smirked at the camera

Gerard playing a telephone sound

FILMING NOTICE BEFORE MAMA

Gerard shouting out Frank and the rest of Dunes <3

NEW INTRO BEFORE FLW

Gerard got an axolotl plushie <3

Ending the North American tour and the final show of 2022 with Kids </3

If you’ve made it this far, first of all, hi! Secondly, ty for looking through this haha.

I’ll probably do this again when they’re in Australia, New Zealand, and Japan next year, so stay tuned! :)

#ITS HERE!! PART 2 IS HERE!!#it’s been such an incredible experience with you all :)#gerard way #frank iero #mikey way #ray toro #my chemical romance #mcr #my chem

649 notes · View notes

jgerardinc · 5 years ago

Text

Trump Offers to Buy Wakanda

By J. Gerard Legagneur, Esq., August 25, 2019

Washington, D.C. – Earlier this week, Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen resoundingly rejected President Trump’s offer to buy Greenland, brushing off the idea as “absurd.” In an apparent attempt to save face, Trump called Frederiksen “nasty”, cancelled his upcoming state visit to Copenhagen, and redirected his ire towards purchasing another country: Wakanda.

On Friday, Trump made the impromptu, eyebrow-raising announcement from the Press Briefing Room podium.

“Unlike what’s being reported by the fake news here,” began Trump (while pointing at the first two rows), “I never said that all African countries are "shitholes" (air quotes). As you all know, Wakanda has vibranium, so it’s much more valuable than Greenland! Therefore I, President Trump, have instructed my Treasury Secretary, Steve Mnuchin, to immediately draw up a formal offer to King T’Challa for the purchase Wakanda, including all vibranium mining rights. This will make the Louisiana Purchase look like something from the 1800s!”

Hands immediately shot up as a wave of snickers and gleeful smiles overtook the faces of every reporter in the room. However, Trump ignored them and went on.

“When we sent the Avengers to save Wakanda from an alien invasion, we should have just taken the vibranium! Like I’ve always said, ‘To the victor goes the spoils!’ But President Obama didn’t do it—very stupid and disloyal, if you ask me. He put his homeland ahead of America. That’s not going to happen with Trump.”

Several reporters began hiding their faces to suppress their laughter and conceal the tears rolling down their faces....

An amused April Ryan shouted out, “But, Mr. President, what makes you think you can have more success with Wakanda than you did with Greenland?”

“Well, as you know, I am a very successful businessman, and I make the best deals—you know that better than anybody…” Ryan responded with a shrug and an incredulous head shake.

“When I told Barron about buying Wakanda, he couldn’t stop smiling. Clearly, having a father with a very big brain makes him really happy and proud to be a Trump.”

Holding back her guffaws, Ryan followed up. “But, Mr. President, what will you offer to Wakanda?”

“I’m offering them culture, April! As you well know, they’re basically living in the jungle like savages with no religion. It’s my destiny to civilize them and teach them about the late, great Jesus Carpenter. I am the chosen one. Just ask Steve King.”

“And what if King T’Challa still rejects your offer, Sir?”

“Well,” Trump smirked, “there’s always Zamunda.”

Gerard Legagneur is a career corporate attorney dedicated to the use of sarcasm to advance sociopolitical awareness. Legagneur graduated with Honors in Economics from Harvard University and received his J.D. from Columbia Law School.

Follow me on Twitter @JGerardInc! 🖋

#political satire #satire #political humor #humor #fake news #Donald Trump #greenland #Wakanda #black panther #tchalla

1 note · View note

robinrunsfiction · 6 years ago

Text

Weapons of Clairvoyance - Chapter 8

Chapter 7

Author’s Note: Putting the whole thing under a cut because it starts with a bit of a spoiler if you haven’t read chapter 7. And if not, there’s a handy little link right above here!

Song recommendations for this chapter: It’s Not A Fashion Statement, It’s A Fucking Deathwish by My Chemical Romance and Cubicles by My Chemical Romance

Ray was gone.

There was no telling where they took him, but he wasn't here anymore, and Gerard felt sick with guilt and rage. It wasn't enough that he almost lost you tonight, but now his friend was taken from the place he insisted he stay in to keep him safe.

The thoughts swirled through his mind as he paced back and forth across the room like a caged tiger. Luckily Mikey was keeping a level head and sprang into action and told everyone to start searching the house for any kind of listening devices or traps.

You were still kneeling on the floor of the living room, trying with everything you had to get something, anything, about where Ray might be. A flash of a location, a phrase, something, anything to cut through the noise, but your mind was blank.

Letting out a frustrated growl, you got up and stomped out the back door and started running until you found yourself at the edge of the lake. When you stopped, you started coughing from the cold air hitting your lungs that recently had been filled with smoke.

What good was this newly discovered power if you couldn't keep your friends safe? Or yourself?

Sitting on the ground at the edge of the cold water, you noticed the sun was just starting to come up. How had it been only days since this all began? Did Gerard have any faith left in you? Did the rest of the team? You let out a sigh. What more could you do?

A while later you heard footsteps behind you.

"Hey Gerard," you said without turning around.

"Hi," he replied quietly. "How are you doing?"

"Not great," you said honestly. "I just... I just don't feel like I'm good enough at this to help you guys. It's like I know just enough to be dangerous."

"You saved me tonight, and nothing you saw was wrong. I rushed into this and got hurt. And I'm the one who needs to work on their abilities," he replied sitting down next to you. "(YN) I was wondering, how did you recognize that Brendon guy? You called him death."

You sighed. "I saw the death card, like from a tarot deck, in the dream where I saw everything on fire at the facility. I didn't mention it because I knew that it had to be for me. I know the death card doesn't literally mean you're going to die when you see it in a reading, but I guess my subconscious, or wherever this is coming from knows it has to explain things like I’m a bit dense."

"You knew you might die, and still stayed in to save me?" Gerard asked in a quiet, awed tone. It wasn’t just that you had almost given your life for him, you knew fully well what you were doing.

You shrugged. There was no way you would knowingly leave anyone behind, let alone Gerard. The man who showed you so much kindness, who had been protecting you for longer than you knew. The man who had appeared in your dreams and had found a place in your heart.

"I never would let something happen to you," you said looking over at him. "And don't beat yourself up too much. You did what we all thought was right. We'll get Ray back."

He nodded solemnly, eyes fixed on the lake in front of you. "I hope you're right."

You leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Remember what she told me, don't ever lose hope."

Gerard's hard expression cracked a little at the mention of his Grandmother's words. You both sat by the lake a while longer before you had another realization.

"Gerard, am I safe here now? I mean, you and Mikey can just turn into bugs and fly away or lions and just eat them or whatever, and Frank can just disappear. Nicole and Adam can fight back with their abilities. But all I can do is hide and hope I don't get found. Same with Andy, if he stays here."

Gerard sat quietly, pondering your question. "I don't know, (YN), but if they come for you, they have to get through me first."

"Thanks," you said with a smile.

A while later you went back inside to clean yourself up to find Nicole and Adam had returned home. Andy and Mikey has retreated to their respective rooms and Frank had camped out on the couch again. Gerard decided to take the opportunity to practice shifting into different forms out in the forest, still unsatisfied with his performance on the mission. All he knew was he needed to be able to return the favor of protecting you the way you looked out for him. The way he promised he would.

After your shower to rinse soot and the smell of smoke off yourself you grabbed your phone and saw you had an email from your boss. Despite being a hardass most of the time, he was kind when you had initially emailed him about needing time off for a family emergency. This email was decidedly different.

Gerard had just come back inside and found you sitting at the kitchen table with your makeup bag in front of you, pulling items out. "What are you doing?" He asked.

"Gerard, I need your help. Late last night I got an email from my boss. He said that if I'm not there first thing in morning to explain why, and I quote 'two goons showed up looking for you this morning when you said you were at a family emergency' I will be fired and he will ‘make it so I never work again.’ Gerard, they know where I work! What if they're waiting for me if I go there? So I decided there's a way we can potentially solve two problems at once,” you babbled, barely pausing for breath. It was clear to Gerard you were panicking.

"And what's that?" Gerard asked, trying to maintain a calm demeanor.

"I’m gonna fake my death," you said as plainly as if you had just ordered a cup of coffee. "We send my asshole boss a photo of me dead, make it seem like the goons found me, and maybe even make him feel guilty for all this. And then maybe we somehow get it to Restoricom too and they stop looking for me, at least for a while."

"I guess that could work, at least for your boss."

"Right, so I need to make myself look dead, can you help me stage the crime scene and take the photos?"

"Or I can do this," Gerard said as his face began to morph. Suddenly from the neck up it was like you were looking at the horror movie version of yourself. Dark sunken circles under your eyes, lips and skin pale.

"Oh God, Gerard this is really creepy, even for me… Can you maybe make it look like I was choked to death?"

"How's this?" He asked as purple bruises formed around his neck.

"Yea," you said equal parts fascinated and disturbed. "Let's go take the photos."

You both went upstairs, and you started snapping photos of your corpse in Gerard's disheveled bed.

"This is some really weird foreplay," Mikey said from the hallway. Gerard instantly changed back into himself and sat up flipping his brother off, as Mikey left laughing.

"I think we got something convincing enough," you said scrolling through the photos. Gerard went to his computer and printed off a photo. He scrawled something and handed it to you.

"We found her first, you contact the authorities, you get the same," you read. "Works for me. We gotta figure out how to get this to my boss without detection."

"Hey Mikey," Gerard shouted.

"What?" He shouted back as he entered the room.

"Wanna go incognito and deliver this to (YN)'s boss so he thinks she's dead and won't bother her anymore?"

Mikey shrugged, and his complexion started to change, and hair darkened as he took the folded paper and headed out, shutting the door behind him.

"Gerard, umm... I was wondering, how did you do that so easily? Make me look so dead?" You asked when you were alone again.

"Because I saw it last night," he said quietly, looking at the ground.

You gasped softly. How could you be so dumb and insensitive? "Shit, I didn't even stop to think..." you started, blushing deeply, embarrassed by what you had asked him to do.

"Its ok, you're still here," he said wrapping his arms around you, pressing a kiss to your forehead. You rested your head against his shoulder.

After a moment, there was a knock on the door. You jumped a little, and expected Gerard would let you go, but he actually gripped you tighter, afraid someone would snatch you away from him.

"Hey, sorry to interrupt," Andy said from the cracked doorway.

"What's up?" Gerard asked.

"I just got ahold of my friend Patrick. His roommate is a hacker and he might be able to get into the system to see what they know, where Ray is, that kinda thing. He's out of town, but Patrick said he'd call when he's back and we can go over there," Andy explained.

Gerard nodded. "Yea that's a good idea, thanks."

"No problem, sorry again for interrupting," he said with a wave, shutting the door behind him.

"Wanna go see what Frank is up to?" Gerard asked.

"Sure," you replied following him out the door and down to the living room where Frank was watching TV.

"How you holding up Frank?" Gerard asked his friend who had a few beer cans scattered on the floor by his feet. He seemed to be deep in thought, rather than paying attention to the TV.

"I just wanna get out there and find him," Frank grumbled.

Your face fell as you felt another wave of guilt wash over you. You wanted nothing more than to help, but nothing had come to you. A false lead was no better than no lead at all.

"We're going to get him," Gerard said reassuringly, repeating the words you had spoken to him earlier, with a smile to you.

Frank did not seem much put at ease. You and Gerard tried to keep his mind off the situation at hand until Mikey came back a few hours later, a couple pizza boxes in hand.

"How'd it go?" You asked.

Mikey smirked. "I handed it off, then became a literal fly on the wall. Asshole lost his mind, but when the secretary came in, he kept his mouth shut, so it should be over." He said setting down the pizzas on the coffee table.

You chuckled darkly, knowing it served him right for trying to drag you into a dangerous situation. "Well that chapter of my life is over.”

"You're stuck with us assholes now," Frank said, his mouth full of cheese pizza. "Well, us assholes and loverboy over there," he said gesturing to Gerard.

You blushed and smiled. "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else."

Chapter 9

Tag List: @deadlovers

#weapons of clairvoyance #gerard way #gerard way fanfic #gerard way x reader #my chemical romance #my chemical romance fanfic #mikey way #ray toro #frank iero #tw: mentions of death #tw: death #tw: murder #chapter 8 #multi chapter #it's not a fashion statement it's a fucking deathwish #cubicles

12 notes · View notes

kateanddevinreview · 6 years ago

Text

London Has Fallen

In which Kate and Devin write a porno

Devin: Okay, so this movie is just Gerard Butler being a badass right? Is this the one with Denzel Washington? Or are neither of those things right.

Kate: It’s something like that.

Devin: Well, Butler showed up in the credits, but so did morgan freeman?

Kate: It’s a trifecta!!

Devin: Or maybe I'm just racist and mixed them up.

Kate: Or maybe it’s the two of them being badass together.

Devin: I made some comment the other day about minorities being underrepresented at the oscars or something and they asked what actors I think should win instead and I blanked on literally every minority actor I knew.

Kate: Hahahah. It’s still true though. And to be fair, could you name any white actors?

Devin: My brain got stuck on Tom Hardy and forgot literally every other actor on earth

Kate:I think he’s on tv now anyway. So far this movie is starting a bit slow. Do you think someone is going to be shot soon?

Devin: I find it weird that we are in....India?

Kate: I think we’re at an Indian wedding. Terrorist’s daughter is getting married

Devin: This is set up for motive?

Kate: Probs

Devin: The Phantom of the Opera and Harvey Dent go for a jog

Kate: Why are politicians always running? I don’t think they do that much

Devin: I think cause DC? it's an easy excuse to pan around the lawn

Kate: Ok well fine, coming at me with movie reasons. Wait, is this a sequel?

Devin: Is it? Was the last one just called "London"?

Kate: I was thinking Gerald saved a president in the last one?

Devin: She has crazy eyes

Kate: She does but she’s pregnant

Devin: I'll forgive it if we get through this movie without her vomiting.

Kate: She’s in like her third tri already so she really shouldn’t

Devin: Google says this is a sequel, to Olympus Has Fallen. Lots of stuff falling apparently

Kate: Knew it!!! I’ve seen that one too

Devin: Really? I'm guessing last time he saved President Harvey Dent from terrorists, wooed or impregnated his wife, and got hired for secret service or unfired from secret service

Kate: Unfired, if it’s what I’m thinking of

Devin: This time he'll save the Prime Minister from terrorists, see his kid born, and...uh. Be knighted? That's my guess

Kate: Seems like a totally logical guess to me. I’m betting he discovers the Prime Minister was murdered. I don’t think people are expected to attend state funerals?

Devin: I think it's cause his vice isn't available? I think normally this is the kind of thing they send him for. But I am basing that on episodes of Madam Secretary so who knows

Kate: New guess!! President is killed and Butler has to protect Freeman

Devin: Hmmm. Maybe. Is Freeman the Vice?

Kate: Yes. He said “Hello, Mr VP”

Devin: I'm missing like half of this dialogue, idk how

Kate: Cause it’s boring

Devin: I want splosions!

Kate: This baby melodrama music is not my favorite. Once again I feel like writing is letting us down?

Devin: Yeah. Be better hollywood!

Kate: Also important people shouldn’t just sign shit without looking at it

Devin: is this the fringe guy? No. Who is he? He's someone

Kate: I think? No?

Devin: Fringe guy is similar but different. Oh! The Magicians? Magicians teacher guy?

Kate: No, definitely not him

Devin: IMDBing....

Kate: “Most protected event on earth”= everyone will die

Devin: Yup. This cast listing order is stupid. Do we know British Gerard Butler's name?

Kate: You mean the head of the British security? Also no. Also I think they’re going to use kids?

Devin: Yes, British guy. Mr. Sands! From Limitless. Thanks wikipedia, for your superior cast list

Kate: Limitless. That’s right, I never watched much of that

Devin: I really liked the main guy and all the arts and crafts in that show. I'm sad it was cancelled. Also we should add the movie to our review list

Kate: Yes!

Devin: Splosion! I didn't think those guards were supposed to have real guns? Then again EMTs should definitely not have rocket launchers

Kate: Hahaha, yeah, those cops are definitely plants. It’s clearly a very well orchestrated attack

Devin: Pretty sure only america gives their cops guns. Also, rocket launcher

Kate: Wow I don’t care how this movie ends the world would not recover from this

Devin: Yeah Kate, it's fallen. Show. Us. The. Egg. It's not London unless I see the big glass egg and the ferris wheel

Kate: How did they know that one president wouldn’t leave on time?

Devin: Trackers? Or they caused the traffic?

Kate: No, he decided?

Devin: Motorcycles, a car's only weakness

Kate: Nice driving!

Devin: Don't injure civilians!

Kate: Ummmm, Devin. I think that ship has sailed.

Devin: He rammed the bad guy into a non bad guy car!

Kate: Oh fuck. Ok so who is the black lady? Is she the First Lady?

Devin: Voight buddy, you could have moved. He's the driver, she's the head of secret service

Kate: He was driving! It was a bullet! Give him some credit. Is she?

Devin: Yes. According to wikipedia

Kate: She’s not doing much. And she hunkered with the president?

Devin: Right? Stop flailing. Where is your gun, woman?

Kate: Oh god. That was brutal

Devin: That was very brutal

Kate: Why didn’t they park closer to the chopper?

Devin: Crashing in 3...2...oh ok nvm

Kate: Hahaha

Devin: He's got a cane so you know he's evil

Kate: So true

Devin: Moral of this movie: don't trust the handicapped

Kate: And yet, they didn’t detect a plan of this magnitude

Devin: Uh, did those people just have labels?

Kate: Yes. NSA and something else

Devin: Like, movie? Movie. We do not care

Kate: I’m assuming it will be important later?

Devin: Why is the lady not doing anything?

Kate: Nice, flares! I like flares. Why are they flying so low anyway?

Devin: I got distracted googling the secret service

Kate: Anything pertinent to share?

Devin: Apparently the director just does the boring shit, so idk why she's even here

Kate: Ummmm, I think the movie should end here?

Devin: Yes they all died. The End

Kate: No way anyone survived that. I call bullshit

Devin: Also, I assumed presidents would have like one guy their whole time in office? But apparently they hire someone new a lot. Oh she dead.

Kate: For the secret service?

Devin: As director. Like Obama had 2

Kate: I mean, that’s four years for each

Devin: Trump has already had 2. The first guy for like 2 months? 1 month?

Kate: Well, Trump does that a lot. He’s had like 8 communication directors

Devin: I just wonder if they choose to leave or if the president purposefully swaps them out

Kate: Also working for the president is really intense, so maybe you just burn out and have to leave

Devin: Makes sense. The local biker gang is here

Kate: I don’t think bikes make that noise. That is dumb

Devin: Yes. Also no one checked the wreck

Kate: At least we know from earlier scenes they are fast runners!

Devin: This looks like he put his manifesto on youtube

Kate: What point is there in entertaining this phone call? Also why does he care about one president?

Devin: Imagine if he called before they watched the video! Like 5 minutes earlier

Kate: Right? He should take the uniform too

Devin:

"Who is this?"

"It's...seriously? You didn't see my video?"

"h/o googling it"

"It's on youtube"

"yeah one sec, gotta sit through this 50 shade of grey trailer"

Kate: Ahhhhhhh Being hunted by motorbikes!! Oh no

Devin: Sure, that's subtle. Also this is a regular subway

Kate: I like that he was able to loot the body for weapons. Very practical

Devin: Jesus Gerard Butler. WTF? You went from zero to torture in no time

Kate: I know, little intense. Definitely running on adrenaline

Devin: This is the most 'murrican fucking movie. You cannot convince me that huge squads of racists didn't come out of this movie going "rah rah ‘murrica"

Kate: Oh god. Unfortunately yes

Devin: Although these talky bits suck. I'd rather have more fighting. Oh, thanks label, I really cared what time it was

Kate: Everyone is dead, that’s what this discussion is. I mean surrender and then ambush. How many people do they think there are? You’re not going to be professional right now? Weird

Devin: Blah blah blah. Bitch it was a wedding. Of course his family was there

Kate: How did you not know his family was there? It was a wedding. So dumb

Devin: What even is the point of that dialogue? There better be drugs in his water or something

Kate: What kind of shoddy intel are you all operating on? This is dumb. Do criticize if necessary. You have to teach them. Also off color jokes?

Devin: "You know what's most important Mike? Children. That's why we are never going to spend time with ours in any subsequent movie."

Kate: Of course it’s not your delta team.

Devin: Yeah why was that message not in code?

Kate: Zoom in!

Devin: Enhance! Your safe house has a fucking skylight!?

Kate: Seems like a pretty lame safe house. Oh this is gross

Devin: This movie is very gratuitous with its gore

Kate: It really is. And president you should not have done that. You are not almost out of this by any long shot

Devin: There must be a porno of this where they fuck right then

Kate: Did all of MI6 just die?

Devin: I'm not going to lie, that weird pirate porno you made us watch that one time is better than this movie

Kate: Haha! Oh pirates. Also my taste is terrible because I still enjoy this

Devin: I don't believe the hackers would make this basic of a mistake

Kate: No, me neither

Devin: Also driving seems like the quickest way to be spotted?

Kate: They kept everything under the radar but you didn’t notice this earlier?

Devin: Ok I guess at least the car is bulletproofed

Kate: How many of these terrorists are there supposed to be?

Devin: It's just the same 4 guys, they're really fast. They keep healing when they're off screen

Kate: Seems like an infinite supply. Mutants!! Also Mike is still somehow always faster

Devin: Now I want an action movie where 3/4 of the way through you realize he's been re-killing the same 5 guys over and over and surprise! it's really a fantasy/horror movie!

Kate: That would be so good. Change the whole game. I do oddly think this would make a good porno with very very little change

Devin: It's cause there's so much standing really close while breathing heavily and the plot is basically just as thin

Kate: Yeah pretty much. It’s a male romance novel

Devin: Also there have been.....5 women? in this entire movie. 6, I guess. Wife, mother, secret service director, beehive, assistant cop, MI6

Kate: Assistant cop?

Devin: Black lady?

Kate: I don’t remember her

Devin: She was in the bullpen with not!Fringe guy

Kate: Ok sure

Devin: Oh, ok, and random lady who had a text label I didn't read

Kate: There was the turning 30 woman and one lady head of state.

Devin: Still, none of these people shooting right now? There's like 20 guys in this scene!

Kate: Nope. Can’t have women in harm’s way unless they don’t have a choice. Also no lady terrorists

Devin: Only lady terrorists allowed are dead motivation ones

Kate: Also I’m subbing lady because it’s faster to type than woman

Devin: Agreed

Kate: Omg. Whispered “Mike.” Straight out of a romance novel

Devin: What? Are you ahead of me or did I miss it?

Kate: Maybe? The president whispered it

Devin: No! I must have missed the Mike whisper

Kate: He should be really tired by now. He didn’t have dinner!

Devin: "Hear that? My boyfriend is coming"

Kate: He really should just kill the president. It doesn’t make sense not to

Devin: There is so much manly eye contact and face holding

Kate: So much

Devin: Like I'm pretty sure almost this exact sequence happened in Outlander

Kate: In the porn there would be a scene where the president seduced him, Mike walked in on it, and then they have a threesome

Devin: With the bad guy?

Kate: Yup

Devin: That seems like it would be out of place plot wise. Would the bad guy turn himself in or something?

Kate: No. Just random sex that doesn’t make sense

Devin: Weird. The sex should make sense!

Kate: It’s for real a thing that happens in porn, you get whiplash. Oh god. This is lame. Really?

Devin: One punch where he runs all the way across the screen. So stupid

Kate: Did we learn who the brit mole was?

Devin: Nope. They hacked the police station I think? Damn! Wheelchair guy didn't even get to make a speech about how bad America is. This movie is not even pretending to care about America's mistakes

Kate: Why didn’t he just shoot everyone?

Devin: Out of bullets?

Kate: He hasn’t run out of guns until now

Devin: What even is this dialogue right now?

Kate: Really dumb

Devin: "You fuck with America? OH HELL NO. WE BAT SHIT. WE WILL FUCKING MURDER ALL Y'ALL."

Kate: America’s not even 500. Witty banter!

Devin: "EVEN OUR PRESIDENT WILL PICK UP A GUN FOR MURDER TIME"

Kate: Also he’s not dead because you haven’t killed him?

Devin: Yeah you just punched him a bit and talked nonsense

Kate: Once again, another thing they wouldn’t have survived.

Devin: I feel like the porno version of this has them go back to their wives at the end with lots of meaningful looks and sly smiles between the two main dudes. Like "yeah, we'll do this again next mission"

Kate: Oh no! But yes probably. Why was there a lock in an elevator?

Devin: Is the president the only one alive from this whole thing? They would definitely make out in this elevator

Kate: I think one other world leader survived? There was a missing link to the terrorist?

Devin: I guess?

Kate: Who sent a fucking video?

Devin: Honestly this plot is stupid Yeah he's def the mole. Also he's running away? Like he obviously did it

Kate: Are we supposed to care about him or her? Because I do not

Devin: They would have had sex earlier in the porno

Kate: Yeah. It would have made more sense. Just kill him already

Devin: Also she would have just arrested him. I feel like the porno would have less murder

Kate: It’s weird that normally I complain about too much sex? But this would just be better as a porn

Devin: Yeah our review is basically "this would have made a better porno"

Kate: How would you have found him?

Devin: Who hears "look out your window" and looks up at the ceiling? Oh maybe that's what the missing link was?

Kate: Also the VP does not have the authority to call that type of strike

Devin: What is this 10 angled shot explosion? Ok, we've got a baby

Kate: So it’s been at least a few weeks

Devin: No prime minister but I didn't realize it was his funeral so I feel like the president is close enough. Now knighthood

Kate: Sure. They don’t know how emails work? Re: is for replies

Devin: "Many people would say this is our fault, but we're america so fuck those people. we'll kill those people."

Kate: “Commence spending no time with my kid”

Devin: In the porno version we end instead with a mirror of the earlier DC lawn scene, with them sitting on a bench watching their wives/kids, and the pres saying something like "still want to quit?" and Butler saying "and leave you, sir? Never." And then meaningful eye contact. Roll credits.

Kate: Hahahah

Devin: Okay, so scores

Kate: Yes. Scores.

Devin: 3/10 for the movie, 6/10 for the porno

Kate: I go a little higher movie? Like 4.5 for the movie. 6 for porno though. I think we can agree that no porn should ever rank higher than 7

Devin: Yeah. Like, even amazing porn is still porn

Kate: Ummmm tropes? So many, “family as our motivation”

Devin: “America is terrible and we never learn anything”?

Kate: Which is so hypocritical

Devin: “One man assumes command of literally every other character without argument”

Kate: Hahahaha. So like 7 on the tropes? They all fit the plot really well

Devin: Yeah, I mean it had a very particular niche and it played to it

Kate: Exactly

Devin: I'm going to give the title an 8/10. Catchy and accurate

Kate: I can agree. Thematic

Devin: London did pretty much fall. Like an old lady in a Life Alert commercial

Kate: Better than Olympus has fallen

Devin: Yeah, plus how fucking pretentious is it to call the white house "olympus"?

Kate: Exactly

Devin: What would the porn title be? I feel like they're usually puns?

Kate: Pun for sure. London may fall but our guys stay up

Devin: kind of long

Kate: It could be the tagline?

Devin: Oh yeah, good tagline. My brain gave me "Banging Private Ryan" which does not fit but is almost certainly a movie that exists

Kate: Hahahahaha. Banging president something? Whatever his name was

Devin: No idea, I called him Harvey Dent the whole movie. London Goes Down?

Kate: London laid down? Cause laid. Get it?

Devin: H/o I have to see if there is a real porn title for this. NSA people monitoring my internet searches, I'm really sorry

Kate: Gives them some spice! A story to take home

Devin: Top result for "London Has Fallen Porn Title" is:

"London Has Fallen movie condemned as racist 'terrorsploitation' "

"London Has Fallen is gun-barrel porn"

Kate: Whelp. Yep. I feel bad for enjoying it?

Devin: "London Has Fallen Is The Worst Film About Our City Ever"

Kate: Oh no it was a piece of shit for sure. Super fucking racist

Devin: “Blowing London.” That's my official submission

Kate: Nice! “Blowing London” is great. I thought you’d actually found it.

Devin: Ok, any parting words?

Kate: It was a dumb racist movie that I feel guilty for enjoying anyway? Which means we should have more action movies made with better plots and motivation. And female representation!

Devin: Or more action movies that are just porn

Kate: Or that. What about you? Parting words?

Devin: If you want to see a movie where Gerard Butler brutally murders everyone, this is it. Or, you know, go watch 300, it is less awful.

Kate: So true.

#kate and devin review #london has fallen #murrica

1 note · View note