#save me nanny ashtoreth

[knifeforkspooncup]

I'm working on a comic! A nanny Ashtoreth comic! Here's a super sketchy sneak peak because as soon as I drew her I started drooling and, well sharing is caring.

[gooseinsoup]

save me nanny ashtoreth.... save me

saw this dress on instagram and then the worms in my brain took over :D

if anyone has a dress theyd like to suggest to see a femziraphale in... send it thru my askbox or dms cause im on the hunt too :3

[nastasya--filippovna]

WHO IS CROWLEY AFTER THE FALL?

so there is a LOT of debate over who Crowley was before The Fall. I have seen a lot of headcanons going around the place saying he was Raphael or Kokabiel or Baraqiel.

I mean this is the Exhibit A for saying that Crowley is Baraqiel. I think NOT.

Because this is a handbook written by demons for demons. The title is literally (if my memory serves me right) a guide to angelic beings that walk the earth. SO Crowley is not That..

Other than the red hair thing, no other physical characteristic matches. This Baraqiel guy sounds like an absolute gremlin. grisly slug, occasionally damp. NOT CROWLEY. I mean she's the most dashing thing around.

NO. #3 It says CROWLEY one line above the name Baraqiel. If Crowley is Baraqiel then why would his demon name appear right under that?????

And I think somewhere Neil Gaiman refuted this theory (I'm not really sure but I think so plz don't come at me with pitchforks if I got it wrong). So.......

But this is all beside the point. What I'm trying to say is that too much has been said about who Crowley was before he fell. There is very little, if not none, that has been said about who he was After.

Some say that he's an insignificant demon or some loser guy in Hell or whatever the equivalent of an angel principality deputy on Earth is.

I BEG TO DIFFER.

He is Important. Just look at the kind of assignments he's given. Original Sin, Major Historical Temptations and Evil Acts, Delivering the Antichrist and bringing about Armageddidn't.

But who is he exactly??????????

So canonically we're never told what Crowley's rank in Hell is. But there are more that enough hints for us to figure that out for ourselves.

But where does one place him when the hierarchy is so complex and varying across different historical and theological sources.

Such as here:

I have been thinking about this and I have two current theories

Crowley is Astaroth

Crowley is The Leviathan

I'll discuss only one in this post. I'll save the other for the next post.

Now book!Omens clearly tells us that Crowley or Crawley is not his real demonic name. For those who haven't read the book this happens when Hastur Lavista and Ligur come to hand over the antichrist to Crowley in the churchyard and as he's about to sign his name as "Crowley" they tell him to sign his real demonic name.

Are you with me?!!!!!

NANNY ASHTORETH!

Why did she use this particular name for her nanny disguise. What if...... what if this IS her real demon name.

A lot of my real life friends are annoyed beyond measure by my constant ranting about etymologies, origin and construction of discourse and epistemology, especially when it comes to presenting my thesis over how all Abrahamic religions and their symbology and iconography is, how do I put it, inspired from pagan religions that they expunged. I mean the concept of angles, the man shaped being with wings that is actually just a ball of fire or eyes or hale discs or sth is a pagan Persian concept.

Back to the matter at hand.

Ashtoreth, Astaroth, Astarte, Ishtar, are all the same name in different dialects and languages. All of these refer to a certain Babylonian goddess. When the People of God probably cleansed off all the infidels they decided to literally demonize their god and name a demon after her. In Milton's Paradise Lost Astaroth is one of the three princes or Grand Dukes of Hell alongside Beelz and Lucifer. If this theory might be true Crowley is a Prince/Grand Duke of Hell.

Now this gets even more interesting. Ashtoreth, Astarte, whatever you may, is a goddess of fertility and is associated with childcare. I mean at this point I just stopped to marvel at the attention to detail that Mr. Gaiman's work hold, the smallest hidden meanings in the storytelling.

Another thing. The Babylonians built these temples called ziggurats to worship Astarte and they looked something like this

and this

they were also known as sky temples.

Because Astaroth was first and foremost the goddess of stars and the Babylonians were stargazers and the temples were constructed as a stairway to heaven to take them closer to the stars and functioned as an observatory at times.

I'm just imagining Crowley turning up in ancient Babylon and with her other-worldly looks, knowledge of the stars and compassion for children they just..... started to worship her.

Before the Christians came and declared them pagans and the rest is history.

Continued in next post for the second theory......

[yeahthatswhatimtolkienabout]

Okay so, I'm getting increasingly confused over the timeline of when Aziraphale and Crowley have met over the ages.

Since I'm writing a S3 fic with lots of flashbacks, I figured that I needed to have a concrete and canon timeline so I don't end up accidentally writing a meeting when there shouldn't be one (ie when Crowley was asleep in the 14th century), and I cannot for the life of me find one that has S2 in it so I present to you:

The Nice and Accurate (hopefully) Timeline of Aziraphale & Crowley and their many meetings throughout the ages.

By Yeahthatswhatimtolkienabout.

Pls let me know if I've missed anything.

Before time was invented - God created the universe.

Before the Beginning - Our dynamic duo meet for the first time, as Crowley creates a Nebula with Aziraphale's help.

After The Beginning (the bible never gave dates for this kinda thing) - Crowley saunters vaguely downwards towards hell with the others who are cast out.

4004 B.C. - Eve is tempted by the Demon Crowley (in snake form) to eat the forbidden fruit. This is the first time we see Crowley in his demon form and the first time he (as a demon) meets Aziraphale, well - that we know of anyway.

3004 B.C, Mesopotamia - OI SHEM! Aziraphale and Crowley meet and watch as Noah gathers the animals two by two onto the ark.

2500 B.C, Uz - Aziraphale and Crowley work together to save Job's children from being killed. Aziraphale lies to heaven and fears he will be taken to hell. Bildad the Shuite is a babe.

33 A.D., Golgotha - Aziraphale and Crowley witness the crucifixion of Jesus. Crowley remarks that he 'showed Jesus the kingdoms of Earth'.

41 A.D., Rome - Aziraphale tempts Crowley to Oysters.

537 A.D., the Kingdom of West Essex - Knight of the table round, Sir Aziraphale encounters Crowley as the Black Knight. This is where the 'deal' is first raised.

1301 A.D - 1400 A.D - Crowley sleeps through the 14th century.

1601 A.D The Globe Theatre, London - Aziraphale and Crowley meet at a production of Hamlet. They have been participating in the 'deal' for some time now.

1650 A.D - Aziraphale does the apology dance for the first time.

1793 A.D, Paris, France - Aziraphale is about to be beheaded, but Crowley intervenes and saves him.

1800 A.D Soho, London - Aziraphale opens his bookshop and Crowley successfully prevents him from returning to heaven at Gabriel's orders, by fooling him with some mannequins.

1827 A.D Edinburgh - Crowley and Aziraphale meet Elspeth, a body snatcher, and are caught up in her endeavours.

Aziraphale then does not see Crowley until...

1862 A.D London's St. James Park - Crowley asks Aziraphale for Holy Water, as a 'just in case'. Appalled, Aziraphale leaves.

1941 A.D London - Aziraphale is caught up in a bait and switch with some Nazis. He is rescued by Crowley. One thing leads to another and Aziraphale is a magician in a show, the Nazi's become Zombies and to cut a long story short, it ends with the pair dining together.

1967 A.D Soho, London - Crowley meets Lance Corporal Shadwell and plans to steal Holy Water from a church. Hearing of this, Aziraphale appears to him in his Bentley and delivers a flask of it to him.

2008 A.D Soho, London - Crowley and Aziraphale meet to discuss the Antichrist and plan to become his godparents to raise him as a 'normal' child, neither influenced by heaven or hell.

2008 A.D - 2019 A.D - Crowley disguises himself as Nanny Ashtoreth and Aziraphale, as the Gardener Brother Francis, and the two try to influence Warlock.

2019 A.D - The events of the first season of Good Omens happens, our pair prevent Armageddon and live happily ever... wait what, a second season?

2020 A.D - 2022 A.D - Lockdown happens. This is where the 'Lockdown' video takes place.

2023 A.D - Pain, otherwise known as Season 2, happens.

I really hope this helps some of you with fic planning and stuff. I was getting really confused over when they met and when certain things started happening, that I needed a record for myself - then thought I should share it!

Edited to add: Thank you for the comments, pointing out some things I've missed! I've added lots of them in now. I've only really included events where the two have met (either in show or in book), and have not added in the bits that Neil Gaiman has added (such as the Wild West scenes etc). If there is a script book for S2 and they are in there - I will come back and add them in.

For a timeline that goes over other significant events in their history, please check out the amended version by @graviitron - they've added some cool bits in there, so thank you! 🥰

[foolishlovers]

FAKE DATING FIC RECS: Below you can find a list of Good Omens fics in which Crowley and Aziraphale are fake dating each other. [AUs and non-AUs included]

[Requested by @waitingtobebroken. You can request more fic recs here.]

Tell Your Plants I Love Them by JustJReally (T, 3k) Trying to get over Crowley by going on a date with someone else, Aziraphale reflected, was not a good plan. Agreeing to go on a date with Gabriel, of all people, was an even worse plan.   In which Aziraphale is rescued from a terrible date by a knight in shining sunglasses.

My Memory With You by jessikast (T, 4k) “Does anyone there look familiar? I am going to kill Adam, he’s done this on purpose!” Crowley hissed. Aziraphale frowned. “Well, Adam of course. And-“ “Nanny Ashtoreth?” came a disbelieving – and American – voice. “Is that you?” *** Adam brings his boyfriend, Warlock, home for the holiday. Adam figures out that Warlock's nanny and gardner may, in fact, be a certain demon and angel of his acquaintance. Adam has a very, very good idea. In which Aziraphale and Crowley are required to pull on some old disguises at short notice, Warlock is delighted to see his old caretakers again, and Adam's going to pay for this later but right now it's hilarious.

when you take me by the hand by summerofspock, wargoddess9 (E, 9k) Crowley's got a plan for managing his rekindled friendship with Aziraphale. It all goes to hell when he opens his big mouth. ** “I have a rather large favor to ask.”   When he is silent for too long, Aziraphale prompts, “And what is it?”   “So, my cheer captain was going to ask me out and I panicked and said I was dating someone and when they asked who it was I may or may not have implied it was…you.”

You, Soft and Only by thehoyden (E, 9k) He hadn’t expected a sudden lapful of angel. “Very sorry about this,” Aziraphale said, and kissed him.

Side Mission by KannaOphelia (T, 11k) Some time after Warlock's ninth birthday, Aziraphale and Crowley have realised they made a mistake, and tracked the real Antichrist down to Tadfield. Two years to save the world is more than enough, right? Except everyone keeps assuming they are a married couple, and it's almost too much for a hopelessly in love demon to bear. Especially when Aziraphale suggests they might as well go along with it.

be mine tonight (be mine forever) by artenon (T, 11k) Aziraphale knows he’s a solitary person. He knows Crowley may very well be his only true friend. He doesn’t mind this. He does, however, very much mind learning that his coworkers have a betting pool on whether he’ll be coming alone to the department holiday party next week. He especially minds when he learns that the reason there is a betting pool in the first place is because their intern, young Newton Pulsifer, is the only one naïve enough to believe Aziraphale might have a date. ----- In retaliation to a bet made against him, Aziraphale asks Crowley to be his date to the office holiday party. Certainly there are no flaws to be found in this plan. Certainly the secret love Aziraphale has been harboring for Crowley for the past several years won't be an issue. Certainly not.

The Arrangement by TawnyOwl95 (E, 19k) Aziraphale and Crowley are set up on a blind date as a joke by their respective housemates. They decide to get their own back and call everybody's bluff by gasp fake dating!

Talk About It by hope_in_the_dark (T, 20k) Aziraphale and Crowley have been best friends for sixteen years. Crowley's been in love with Aziraphale for almost that long. When Aziraphale tells his family that he'll be bringing his boyfriend to his step-brother's wedding, things get a bit complicated. A Fake Dating AU.

Like Best Friends Do by LittleLynn (E, 21k) As usual, Crowley had decided to open his mouth before thinking about what exactly it was that he was about to let spill forth from it. As a result of this, unsurprisingly, he was now in a spot of hot water. Boiling water. Possibly water so hot that it had gone ahead and become some kind of pyroclastic steam. At least Aziraphale could usually be relied upon to take pity on him. This was a big ask though, even by Crowley's please-let-me-keep-empty-aerosol-cans-in-your-cellar-it's-nothing-illegal-I-swear standards. This was, without a doubt, a bigger ask than the aerosol cans.

muddle through somehow by curtaincall (T, 27k) Aziraphale Fell runs a successful food blog, Celestial Comestibles, where he shares mouthwatering recipes and heartwarming stories about his happy domestic life in a cottage with his husband and son. As promotion for his upcoming cookbook, his publishers run a contest: one lucky winner will get to spend Christmas with Aziraphale and his family. What the publishers don't know is that the real Aziraphale Fell is a single city-dweller. And if he wants to keep up his happily married persona, he'll have to acquire a cottage, husband, and son before Christmas. As it happens, his friend and neighbor Anthony Crowley has his nephew staying with him for the holidays. One fake marriage proposal later, and everything seems tickety-boo--as long as Aziraphale can keep from developing inconveniently real feelings for his pretend husband…

Faking It by bisasterdi (E, 28k) In the immediate aftermath of the Nope-Let's-Notpocalypse, Crowley and Aziraphale tentatively begin to move on, hoping Heaven and Hell will leave them alone in the wake of both of their failed trials. Of course, nothing could possibly be that simple. It isn't that Gabriel or Beelzebub have actually figured out how the trials were subverted…but boy, do they THINK they have it figured out. Thankfully, it won't take much to keep them in the dark. (Crowley and Aziraphale just have to spend eternity together, pretending to be in love with each other. All Crowley needs to do is make sure Aziraphale never finds out that everything he's saying and doing is true.)

dearly departed by attheborder (T, 29k) Finally, Aziraphale spoke. “You mean to say— you got us married?” “Just as a precaution, I never really thought I’d end up discorporated again, it’d been ages, you just don’t get stampedes or assassinations like you used to —” “You got us married, and you didn’t tell me?” *** Crowley gets inconveniently discorporated. And it’s not like it’s ever been easy to get a new body, but this time around, things really aren’t looking good. His new innuendo-obsessed lust-demon of a coworker honestly isn’t helping things. Meanwhile, Aziraphale has a dead body to contend with, and an occult mortician & his very normal daughter to fend off. What lengths will he go to in order to get Crowley back to Earth?

make it with you by NaroMoreau (E, 31k) PAID RESEARCH OPPORTUNITY: A romantic couples study!! ------ Aziraphale and Crowley are broke roommates who are struggling to keep up with rent and a harsh landlord. After Crowley loses his job and Aziraphale's bookshop hasn't managed to make enough profit, they'll resort to anything to save what they love, and when they come across with the idea of a paid study for couples… Because some ideas are good until they aren't.

The Small Ad by SylWritesStuff, ladydragona (E, 32k) WORK WANTED: Partner For Hire. Tall, lanky ginger of arguable gender available to be your significant other to keep pesky relatives, nosy coworkers, or well-meaning friends at bay. Able to be as annoying or as polite as you like. Causing a fight over Christmas dinner with your odd, bigoted uncle/aunt/cousin will require an extra £200 up front. £50 for the first hour, negotiable otherwise. Ciao.   It isn't the sort of advertisement Aziraphale usually paid any attention to, but desperate times do indeed call for desperate measures.

In The Shadows Of Our Past, A Flicker by WaitingToBeBroken (E, 36k)

One went to Aziraphale's bookshop to exchange secrets, buy information or simply to use as a safe haven from the powers that be.

One did not go there looking for a partner for a seemingly-innocent mission to a tropical island, stalking a perfectly normal couple. Where unfortunately they would have to pretend they were married. As if that would have stopped Crowley, anyway.

Throw in their mysterious and complicated past, danger lurking from where they are least expecting and Crowley's very naked, very tattooed body that suddenly seems to be everywhere, and you might find them in a situation they are too ineffable to escape.

Or, my entry for the Good AUmens fest for the Fake Marriage prompt, with a hearty dash of Spies subplot.

Green Things Are Flowers Too by summerofspock (E, 60k) “Oh yes,” Crowley said breezily. “This is my husband, Francis. He’s a gardener by trade. We were hoping you might have an opening. An estate such as this.” Aziraphale gaped from where he stood on the stoop, feeling his heart speed up. Husband? Francis? Gardener? He’d never agreed to any of this! ** In which Aziraphale and Crowley pretend to be married while they stay at the Dowlings as Nanny and Francis.

and now all of my garden is grown in lavender by ilikeblue (E, 70k, WIP) Popular queer romance author, A.Z. Fell, has been lying about having a husband and a happy marriage for years. Longing to escape a string of failed relationships and looking for a fresh start, Aziraphale moves into the cottage left to him by his Great Aunt Agnes. When a TV adaptation of one of his books leads to sudden popularity and throws him into the limelight, his fans (and the press) are eager to catch a glimpse of Aziraphale's own mysterious leading man. Unfortunately, he still has to cast someone for that role. Enter the handsome gardener… Under Crowley's meticulous care the cottage's neglected garden slowly comes back to life, and Aziraphale finds himself writing the most important love story he'll ever write: his own

on the same page by Chekhov (E, 117k) Aziraphale Z. Fell is a rising star of the spiritual literary genre - the next Eat Pray Love guy - and his version of Chicken Soup For the Christian Soul is flying off the shelves. It's not that he's not grateful, but it's one thing to enjoy a career in writing and another completely to be pigeonholed into a specific genre, so much so that you are almost forbidden from writing anything else. So yes, maybe he has a bit of a secret. An outlet for his less… appropriate urges. And yes, if his typical readership got word of the sort of paragraphs he could put out on a particularly inspired night, they might suffer some form of heart attack typical for their age. But all of that is well hidden, and there is absolutely no way anyone would ever find out about his Arrangement with A.J. Crowley - the most debaucherous romantic fiction author of the decade. That is… until they have to pretend to be married to each other.

The Curve of Old Bones by Jenanigans1207 (E, 201k) Aziraphale watches as Crowley’s smile grows, sharpens and turns distinctively dastardly. And even though Aziraphale knows what he’s in store for, he’s entirely unprepared for the words that slip out of Crowley’s mouth next. “Name’s Anthony Crowley, Aziraphale’s husband.” Aziraphale is eternally grateful that he wasn’t taking a sip of his tea at that exact moment for he would’ve surely choked on it. -- When Crowley claims to be Aziraphale's husband to ruin what he assumes is a date, he doesn't think anything of it. But a day later it comes back to bite him in the ass when Crowley finds out that the date in question is, in fact, his new boss, who is looking to hire Aziraphale and hoping that Crowley, his husband, will put in a good word for them. Now Crowley is caught in a tight spot: either admit to his new boss that he was lying, or convince Aziraphale, his sort-of enemy, to pretend to be his husband to save face.

[You can find more fic rec masterposts here.]

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

REWATCHING GO S1, LIVE PLAY-BY-PLAY OF DOOMSDAY WAHOO

HELLO MAGGOTS REWATCHING SEASON 1 BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME WAS A KIDNAPPING CHAOTIC MESS. EPISODE ONE HERE GOES. I DON'T REMEMBER A LOT OF DETAILS BUT YES.

Opening scene and Earth's got vibe-checked by God and I've been gaslit about the dinosaurs

GARDEN OF EDEEEEEN wow his first appearance and Aziraphale's already so prissy and flustered might fuck around and fall in love with him idk

I finally understand who these mf's are hi Hastur and Ligur you're not zombies after all

FOR FUCK'S SAKE SECOND SCENE CROWLEY'S BEEN IN AND SHE WALKED IN, SERVED HIPS HAIR AND CUNT, AND THEN MANAGED TO TALK HER AWAY INTO A PROBLEM

LIKE GENUINELY SHE COMES AND SASHAYS WITH HER HAIR AND SAYS TIMES ARE CHANGING AND HEAD OFFICE LOVES ME AND JUST INSTANTLY HASTUR AND LIGUR USE HER WORDS AGAINST HER

idk sister mary loquacious is kinda doing it for me rn with that satanic nun's habit and losergirl energy

third crowley scene and he's misplaced THE LITERALLY GODDAMNED ANTICHRIST because he made small talk with a bloke outside without checking for details

mmmmhm yes sister mary wink again your bitchless decisions are sexy y'know what i mean

Gabriel feels like his brain was eviscerated and replaced with one of those youtuber's paid course promos at the end of their how to change your life in 45 days: three simple mindset shifts video

so THIS IS WHY EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING PAVLOVIAN IN THIS FANDOM IT'S BECAUSE OF DUCKS of course it's because of ducks

mmmhm yes sure crepes French revolu--Crowley stop eye-fucking Aziraphale you're making everyone at the Ritz horny

Aziraphale don't moan into your food man you can't take these two anywhere

Crowley thanking the driver for slowing down is everything to me

And they're drunk hu-fucking-zzah good thing we'll have 11 year olds saving the world coz these fuckers sure ain't doing shit

OH MY GOD HE WAS TRYING TO SAY BOUILLABAISSE I JUST REALISED. I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST MAKING KISSY FACES AT AZIRAPHALE I'M NOT OK-

What Aziraphale was doing back was definitely kissy faces though that mfer wasn't even trying to say bouillabaisse when Crowley said what sounded suspiciously like baby

kissy kissy from lil miss prissy [i would have made such a great high school bully shame i had no inclinations that way]

SORRY WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK WAS THAT SOBERING UP EXCUSE ME THE FANFICS MADE IT SOUND LIKE IT WAS A CLICK AND THEY'RE SUDDENLY NORMAL WHY IS THE ALCOHOL REFILLING

oop nun down nun down

i want ya see a wile ya thwart amirite on a t-shirt

"actually i encourage humans to-" just say you're a lazy bitch azi we love you

love crowley fake-manipulating azi into helping like azi wants to be manipulated y'know so it's not technically his fault he was wiled over or whatever and they're both just such ENABLERS

not azi going SOFT at being godfathers with crowley

NOT BROTHER FRANCIS PLEASE NO FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED AZI WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS PLEASE

WARLOCKKKKK I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

HNNNG MICHAEL SHEEN HAD TOO MUCH FUN WITH THIS

why is nanny ashtoreth so seductive with that of course dear is it just crowley's inherent disastergirl sex appeal

HALF PONYTAIL CROWLEY I AM A FUCKING SLUT FOR HALF PONYTAIL

GASLIGHTING HEAVEN AND HELL THAT'S MY BABYGIRLS

erIC THE DISPOSABLE DEMON I DIDN'T KNOW THEY COME IN S1 well not come i hope unless being eaten by a hellho--nope

ANGEL CROWLEY SAID ANGEL ANGEL ANGEL

CROWLEY TRYING TO BE SUBTLE ABOUT KILLING BEFORE GETTING ANNOYED

waiter crOWLEY OUTFIT I CANNOT BE NORMAL AFTER THE WEDDING DRESS DESIGNING ABOUT THIS COSTUME

FOOLS WRONG BOY YOU FOOLS IM DEAD

DOG IS UNIRONICALLY SO CUTE EVEN BEFORE IT GOES SMOL

gonna give my roxie a kissy brb she's my angel and all this dog talk makes me miss her (she's a few feet away under the bed)

i asked her for a kissy and she crawled out and gave me a kiss i love her

DOGGGGG ADAMMM

...roxie's crying to be taken downstairs it's nearly 2 am this is on me for waking her up i crowley'd myself fml

EYYYYY WELCOME TO THE END TIMES don't mind me I'll have to take roxie down yes I know maggots I'm crowley-coded I KNOW THAT I'M A BLOODY DISASTER BYEEEEEEEE

[mommyashtoreth]

TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR FIC PRETTYPLEASE (holds bowl out like a starving orphan) 🥺

YAYYYY okay I'm gonna like. dump a whole bunch of stuff that bestie @blackmarketjoy and I have been thinking about and working on and stick it under the cut BUT a little amuse-bouche: I'm currently workshopping a goodomens fan-minisode fic Thing that's set in the 1910s where Crowley is disguised as a live-in maid tempting Some Rich Guy into greed and financial ruin with her demonic wiles and sexy ankles, and Aziraphale is disguised as a war nurse who's been quartered in the same Fancy Rich House with some wounded soldiers under her care because you could just do that sort of thing back then. It's a liiiittle Nanny Ashtoreth/Brother Francis-esque but not quite as pre-planned. Okay that's enough to get you goin here's all the extra nonsense (as Aziraphale and Crowley are both presenting as women in this Thing, she/her pronouns will be used for both throughout):

This whole concept actually originated from a DREAM I had that included Crowley in a vintage nurse's uniform because if I am known for anything it is my ability to be happy, big, and sexually normal. My friend Mifs then was like Oh what if Aziraphale was in a vintage maid uniform lol and that festered in my mind for a while. We ended up switching the roles around because it makes more sense with the timeline (since Az would have her bookshop by this time period and typically isn't wont to leave it for too long unless there's an extenuating circumstance) and is generally more in-character for Aziraphale to have the Helping People role.

As I've said before on this blog, I think it's Easy and therefore boring to reduce Crowley's skill of "temptation" to something purely sexual, especially when she's in girlmode. This isn't to say she's completely nonsexual in this fic thing, it's more fun for me if she isn't, but she's not specifically aiming to, idk, "inspire lust" or whatever. She's merely, idk, convincing this Rich Guy to make extremely bad investments while sitting in his lap or something, AND to reveal how much of an asshole this guy is. I don't know what the hell people invested in in the 1910s but I'm sure she'd pick something absolutely disastrous. Maybe she knew about the upcoming Great Depression

Meanwhile I think Aziraphale is here by complete accident, mostly bc I think it's funny when the universe pushes them together. Also because I'm imagining some sort of "Ugh, you again. What are YOU doing here?" "ME? I'm saving LIVES. I should be asking what YOU'RE doing here, foul serpent" interaction and I love it when women argue because they want to fuck each other

This whole thing is set during the winter because that gives Lots and lots and lots of opportunities for huddling for warmth, hand-holding, dramatic fireplace lighting, etc.

^ Related to huddling for warmth, I think Aziraphale (a little bit too excitedly) offers to room up with Crowley in idk, The Help's Quarters or whatever and they end up sharing a bedroom. Hayden idk if I've told u this but in the book Crowley sleeps despite not needing to (I don't Think this is ever mentioned in the show but like if a book thing isn't directly contrasted by a show thing it's canon to me) while Aziraphale doesn't, so I'm kinda just imagining Az spends all night reading while Crowley sleeps. But since it's cold as fuck Az eventually starts to like. read in bed under the covers while Crowley spoons her "for warmth." Also I know they don't Need light to see but I keep imagining Az summoning some kind of Holy Light to read by (maybe it's just one of the little human preferences they develop over time) and Crowley bitching about how bright it is and kinda pushing her face into Az's neck or shoulder "to cover her eyes." Yuri

Going back to some of the Rich Asshole Guy stuff. I think he's like, creepy and pervy and does a lot of Leering at both Az and Crowley, but is especially bad with Crowley since like "she's leading him on" or whatever. Both the Job minisode and the Edinburgh minisode can pretty easily be described as including some kind of "lesson" (almost always for Aziraphale) and I think it'd be fun to do a version of that where unfairly GOOD things (material wealth) are given to a BAD person, rather than the standard opposite. Ultimately the story would end with Rich Asshole Guy making some kind of unwanted advance and Crowley, having successfully driven him to ruin via his own greed, takes off her glasses and shows her eyes (I imagine he's asked her repeatedly to show her eyes, yknow in a You'd Be Prettier If You Smiled sort of way) and hisses and etc., Putting The Fear Of God in him before she and Az leave. Az could, idk, smite the guy or something too he'd deserve it

I think Az is like veeeery repressed sexually, somehow even moreso in girlmode than she is in guymode, and since Crowley is being Vaguely Sexy it's just the perfect yuri storm. Hayden u already saw the snippet I wrote about this but I'll recount it here anyway: Az pulls some like weird pseudo-victim blamey stuff on Crowley like "I don't know why you're surprised that he tries to look up your skirt, I don't know what you expected, pulling it up that high" bc she's working thru some stuff okay and that's the only way she can process the fact that she notices how much leg Crowley is showing at any given time. She knows better obviously and will admit as much it's just that divinity is a performance, yknow, and she's still trying to pretend to be dedicated to that.

IIIII keep imagining something with like Az smuggling human food and Crowley smuggling human alcohol and they have a little yuri dinner in like the courtyard or something, and Crowley gets to tease Aziraphale for stealing. And then Mifs added onto it this is All their ideas but it's really good so I'm paraphrasing it here: 1) Aziraphale gets sick of eating shitty watery period-accurate Soup For The Poor and decides to finally do something about it 2) since Crowley is a maid she'd have more access to the kitchen and leftover food and etc and since Aziraphale is a nurse she'd have more access to idk wherever rich people put alcohol because it's the 1910s and medicine is fake. So it's like them stealing bits and pieces away for each other yknow... themes

I think Some Rich Guy (who needs a name I'm very open to name ideas for all these side characters) should have kids so Crowley can kinda subtly turn them against him because idk, "honor your father and mother" is a Commandment and all that and therefore not doing so is A Sin even if your dad's a dick (Aziraphale can have a little Moment about this, I love putting her through Moments). I'm imagining this less in like a proactive Nanny Ashtoreth way (Hayden I know u haven't seen the show but Crowley's purpose as Nanny Ashtoreth is to instill as much evil into the child they believe is the antichrist as possible) and more in a "purposefully turning a blind eye and letting kids 'misbehave'" sort of way.

"Why doesn't Aziraphale just miracle her soldiers' wounds better" because she wants to spend as much time with Crowley as possible and she's enjoying the maid/nurse roleplay. Obviously. (When Crowley asks her about this she lies through her teeth, of course)

Another idea from Mifs I'm just gonna stick in here: Az has some kind of crisis because one of her soldiers is getting worse and Crowley has to calm her down about it. Shoulder grabbing, face grabbing, eye contact, hand-holding, etc. Very very psychosexual for them both. Also Crowley ends up doing something to help the dying guy, filling her Niceys quota for the minisode (but she's NOT nice! She's mean and she means it!)

OH working title for this courtesy of Mifs is "Of Lace and Lacerations" which I LOVE. Currently the Google doc I write all my ideas on is called "you like kissing girls don't you"

Idk how explicitly romantic (and possibly even sexual) this Thing is going to be, like the romantic tension is obviously obviously there but idk if there'll be kissing. I need to think on how "canon-compliant" I want this all to be (as romantic tension is very canon-compliant but explicit kissing and etc. is not so much). I've been thinking about a bonus feature at the end that's just nasty woman sex so stay tuned for that

And uhhh I think that's it! This is Way longer than I expected lmao but hopefully u enjoy it Hayden ily <3<3 and hopefully some other people enjoy this too! I'm very excited about how this has been shaping up so far and I really hope to write a real actual long-ish thing. This has been a really good exercise for me in story development, I think having the minisode structure to work within helps my ideas fall into place so much more easily (since I usually have a ton of problems with structure). Goodomens yuri forever I'm giving us the yuri minisode we never fucking got

[hellfireandbookshops]

I understand you need a nanny.

Nanny Ashtoreth Edits as requested by @fantasticwolfpenguin

[aethelflaedladyofmercia]

The Most Important Thing--Good Omens Fic

With art by @cassieoh

My fic from the @the-warlock-chronicles-zine is now available on AO3! Get the full fic and Cassieoh's lovely art there!

Read on AO3

--

The most important rule when raising an Antichrist is: never get attached.

At least, it was for a demon sent to prepare the child to destroy the world and rule the ashes. The angel, as always, had a simpler job.

Brother Francis could present Warlock with his first kitten, watch the little face fill with wonder and joy. Nanny Ashtoreth had to teach the boy to let it go. He could comfort the child after a fall; she had to teach him to stand up and try again.

Brother Francis only had to love Warlock, and teach him to love in return.

Nanny was there to hone the boy, teach him to be strong, to command, to put his desires above all else. But she had another job, too.

The most important rule when preparing an Antichrist for his apocalyptic duty is: never get attached.

Particularly when one is preparing him to fail.

At any moment, the carefully laid plans of angel and demon could erupt into disaster. Someone had to be ready to act. To remember that the whole world was more important than a single child.

Nanny Ashtoreth stood always at Warlock’s side, watching like a serpent. Cold-blooded. Ready to strike.

“Warlock,” her voice snapped across the room. “You cannot bring every toy you own to America.”

“But I wuv dem!” The boy, not quite seven, clutched a teddy bear half his size.

Nanny folded her arms, stern as ever. Eyes concealed behind black lenses that reflected the world, showing nothing of herself. “What did I tell you about inanimate objects?”

He sighed. “Dey’re not f’me to wuv, dey’re tools t’be essploided in my quetht f’domination.”

“Correct. And save the baby-talk for the gardener, it doesn’t work on me.”

“Sorry, Nanny.”

“Better.” She studied the suitcase on Warlock’s bed, overflowing with stuffed animals, dinosaurs, gadgets, everything that held his interest these days. “This suitcase has to hold everything you need for your trip—”

“I do need them!” He wrapped his arms more firmly around the bear.

Nanny raised her eyebrows, unmoved. “You need fourteen pairs of underwear. Is there room for those?”

One of Warlock’s hands worked itself loose to poke at the mess. “Mmmmmmaybe?”

“No. Nor is there room for your clothing, your spare shoes, or your toothbrush.” She gestured to the pile she’d prepared the night before. “The things you need. How do we solve this?”

He furrowed his brow while Nanny waited patiently. His parents were outside, watching the staff prepare the luggage for their trip to America. Likely wondering where their child was, but Nanny never rushed important lessons.

Finally, Warlock brightened, bouncing with excitement. “I know! Two suitcases!”

Nanny pressed her lips into a line. “Close.”

Read the rest on AO3!

[knifeforkspooncup]

I feel like not nearly enough of you do, in fact, agree.

And that's just not on.

The way Nanny Ashtoreth says "don't listen to him, listen to me!"

You agree.

[notesoflore]

New fic up!

Rating: General

Words: 3.5k

Summary:

“Nanny can be Mrs. Claus, then,” Warlock declared, in the tone of voice that made it clear he had solved all their problems.

Nanny Ashtoreth’s face appeared to flush several shades darker. Aziraphale’s heart leapt into his throat and forced a giggle out of him.

(Aziraphale and Crowley's plan to cheer up the Antichrist on Christmas successfully cheers them up as well.)

Excerpt:

For a heart-stopping moment, Aziraphale worried Warlock would recognize him despite the costume and facial hair, but then Warlock jumped to his feet with a muffled shriek.

“Santa?!”

A jolly smile split Aziraphale’s lips. “Ho, ho! Warlock, dear boy, aren’t you supposed to be in bed?”

Warlock glanced at his nanny and back, fidgeting with the hem of his pajama shirt. “Nanny woke me up.”

“It’s alright, dear,” Nanny murmured, lips twitching as she took in Aziraphale’s getup. “Tell him about all your good deeds so he’ll give you a present.” She nudged him forward with a hand on his back.

Warlock shuffled closer, still looking at Aziraphale with an awe he hadn’t been the target of since angels revealing themselves to humans had gone out of style. Even then, no one had ever looked at him like this. “I saved a snail before. And I ate broccoli. And I hugged my mommy when she was sad. And I made you milk and cookies.”

Aziraphale glanced at the plate and glass he’d nearly upended. One of the biscuits had a small but distinct bite shape missing. “I see that! How thoughtful.” He crouched to bring their faces level. “And what about for your nanny? Have you been being good for her?”

Warlock nodded automatically, but glanced at his nanny for confirmation.

“He’s been absolute angel,” she said through gritted teeth.

Aziraphale swallowed a laugh as Warlock turned back to him triumphantly.

Read on ao3

[ladyoutlier]

Must Read Good Omens FanFics

I’ve been reading a lot of fanfics. Here are the ones I’ve found to be unskippable!

@toedenandbackagain‘s fic about Warlock recognizing that Nanny Ashtoreth loves Brother Francis [x], fic about Aziraphale kindly asking Crowley to elaborate on the I know what you smell like remark [x], & fic about Crowley yelling at God when he thinks Aziraphale is dead [x]

@readingwritingcrying‘s fic about an accident with holy water [x] & fic about Crowley catching a cold [x]

@taylortut‘s fic about Crowley getting nightmares [x], fic about Aziraphale and Crowley in a car crash [x], and fic about the ineffable husbands re-losing the holy grail [x]

@mygalfriday’s fic about Crowley regretting what he thought was his final words to Aziraphale [x]

@singelisilverslippers’s fic about another one of Aziraphale and Crowley’s meetings throughout time [x]

@kedreeva​‘s fic about Aziraphale arriving at Crowley’s flat to find it in disarray (great ending on this one!) [x]

@lineffability‘s fic of Aziraphale meeting Crowley’s plants (trust me there’s a surprising about of deepness to this by the end of it) [x] & fic about the ineffable husbands being drunk [x]

@justkeeptrekkin‘s fic about Crowley accidently spilling the beans on his feelings for Aziraphale [x]

@lesbianomens‘s fic where Aziraphale and Crowley discuss their need (or lack thereof) for glasses [x]

@goodomensblog‘s A Touch Like Sunlight [x] and A Love Like Moonlight [x] where Crowley swears to do whatever necessary to save Aziraphale from the wrath of Heaven only to find out he might not be able to.

Show/Tell by walkalittleline -- One of, if not my favorite, confession of love stories between Aziraphale and Crowley. Fantastically in character!

all i need, darling, is a life in your shape by deadgreeks -- Aziraphale and Crowley go to Anathema’s totally-not-Christmas-but-winter-solstice celebration with the other prominent canon characters where they learn a bit more about what they mean to one another.

Innocuous by flamethrower -- Currently a WIP that’s being updated daily; Post-Armageddon’t Crowley finds the world a bit off... he soon realizes the Aziraphale he’s been with is an imposer and that the world around him might just not be real... Super unique fic that’s got me hooked on reading more!

This is what I’ve got so far. Please give these amazing writers some love! I’ll probably continue to update this as I find more amazing works.

[whispsofwind]

After talking about it with @nicnacsnonsense, we decided to continue the conversation started here about Brother Francis and Nanny Ashtoreth in the book. Just for fun!

(For context, my thesis is that Francis and Ashtoreth were Aziraphale and Crowley in the book as well, while theirs is that they were originally separated characters who got cut for adaptation purposes. I think both interpretations are valid but it's a lot of fun to argue my point, and a good exercise in English writing too! Obviously this all also apply to Harrison and Cortese, I just didn't want to repeat all the names every time).

Nic, what you said in the last reblog makes a lot of sense, and raises a few points I hadn’t thought about, mainly that Crowley and Aziraphale watching over Warlock is technically a Heaven/Hell sanctioned activity, and therefore it does make sense that they would receive resources to do so. More sense than I thought originally. The fact that they make a big show about Shadwell could simply be because Shadwell is the one contact unrelated to Heaven and Hell. It all makes lots of sense, I admit.

However, it’s still not enough to change my mind, mostly because the inclusion of a middle man makes Aziraphale and Crowley basically superfluous to the narrative.

If Hell was always going to send people to educate Warlock, and Heaven could be so easily persuaded to send people of their own to educate Warlock, Aziraphale and Crowley’s plan becomes a bit too thin for my taste. Yes, it's true that the book is an ensemble novel where they play quite a small part, but if they were just making minor tweaks the the preexisting Heaven and Hell's school programs, they kind of end up doing almost nothing at all.

What I mean is, coordinating each other’s efforts just isn’t much, if Hell is already teaching Warlock Evil, and Heaven is teaching Warlock Good.

And yes, part of the novel pokes fun at how ineffectual Aziraphale and Crowley are, but it just seems so unfitting to me that their Big Plan to Save the World was basically ‘convince Heaven to send their people as well’.

I also wonder why would Heaven and Hell be so eager to actually give their field agents a whole team. Aziraphale and Crowley are already the designated agents on Earth and don’t really need underlings to do this particular job. And while Heaven and Hell both care a lot about obedience, delegating the education of the Antichrist to other people, even obedient people, still seems like a bad move for someone hoping to shape said Antichrist’s worldviews. Including a middle man (or, multiple middle men and a middle woman) seems to complicate things needlessly, and makes it much more risky, I think.

Not to mention, basing their entire plan on the reports and the obedience of subordinates seems a bit of a hazard, when both Aziraphale and Crowley know perfectly well how easy it is to trick your boss into believing you’re actually doing your job. They would have to control every move Ashtoreth and Francis do just to be sure everything is actually going according to the plan, which rather defeats the point of having underlings to begin with.

Plus, there’s the very real risk of Ashtoreth revealing that Heaven is interfering with the Antichrist’s upbringing. I am simply not convinced that Hell was aware of that: wouldn’t they object, even just out of principles? The Antichrist is their business, after all. And Ashtoreth is clearly very aware of Francis's presence. (Ok this one is a bit of a stretch but throwing it out there).

And finally, there's the very simple fact that inserting the Nanny, gardener and tutors to the narrative doesn't really add anything. Their narrative purpose can easily be filled by Aziraphale and Crowley, making these 4 characters completely superfluous. That just doesn't sit right with me, in a novel where even the Four Other Horsemen do have a narrative purpose, a comedic tool that then goes on to show how dangerous and inhuman the Horsepeople are.

The one narrative purpose Ashtoreth and Francis could fill is, I think, the Cold War metaphor, with the two Sides sending actual teams to help their agents out on an important work. But, at the same time, there's a strong sense that Aziraphale and Crowley are the equivalent of two field agents in a very remote, isolated outpost. Sending more people doesn't seem fitting to me, when you have a perfectly good agent already assigned to the case.

The text is very ambiguous though, I’m the first to admit that. I re read those pages, and some vocabulary seems... well, not purposely misleading, but very open to interpretation.

The verb ‘oversee’ when they talk about educating Warlock suggests an indirect role, but then they use the word ‘godfathers’, and godfathers are traditionally supposed to have a hands on approach (at least in the catholic rite, a godfather promises to actively help raise the child and take care of the religious upbringing).

Crowley watches Mary Poppins to prepare himself, which could suggest he was trying to get into the part... or maybe he just wanted to know how to consuel Nanny properly (then again, if Hell is sending another agent for this precise purpose, shouldn't she be better at this than Crowley?)

You have Aziraphale’s line about his “little team”, heavily implying there are different people involved... or maybe it was a tongue-in-check joke about how good an actor he is.

Then there's Rover (good puppy who helped me find the passage), whose simple presence kind of suggests Crowley can't be Ashtoreth, because Crowley doesn't have a Hellhound. But then again, Mary Poppins talks with a puppy, and Hell may have ordered Crowley to expose the Antichrist to a Hellhound in his most formative years.

So, I don't think there's any actual proof in the text. But maybe it’s just me overthinking the joke???

So yeah, to sum it up, I think that for me the deal breaker is the very idea of delegating the raising the Antichrist to others, when there's not a specific need to delegate it, and plenty of reasons not to :D

[justkeeptrekkin]

Hi M anon!! I’m so sorry this took me so long. I’ve played around with the idea a bit, hope you don’t mind. Tagging @a-shipping-life who requested something similar. Enjoy!!

***

“This is....”

Crowley’s voice trails off as he views his surroundings. When he’d imagined post-armageddon, he had always thought of fire and brimstone. Or, depending on how the war ended, sickening rounds of celestial harmonies, on repeat- listening to it all from behind bars in a pit. Instead, three years into the Third Testament, the New Era, the Age of Satan’s Spawn, and Crowley’s attending children’s birthday parties. Apparently.

The back garden of the Young family household is perfect for a party- according to Azirphale. A nice little closed off area, with some nice bunting and nice cake and a nice view of the Cotswolds rolling in the distance. Kids and family friends, together, having a nice time. All a bit too nice for Crowley’s taste, who’d preferred the bratty parties Warlock’d had, with nasty children and inappropriately dangerous presents (Nanny Ashtoreth had been the one to anonymously give Warlock a bow and arrow set).

Crowley takes his stand beside Aziraphale, wincing at the ensuing fourteenth birthday party. He needs a shot of insulin with how sweet this event is. He eventually manages: “This is. Ugh.”

“It is not ugh,” Aziraphale tuts, rolls his eyes. “Birthdays are nice.”

“Exactly. Nice is ugh.”

Aziraphale casts him a reprimanding glance, but a smile is pulling at the corners of his lips. He looks Crowley up and down judgmentally and passes him a plastic cup. “Here.”

“What’s this?”

“Punch.”

“I’m assuming not the alcoholic variety.”

“It’s a fourteenth birthday party, Crowley.”

“What? The Youngs could be more progressive than you think. What harm did a bit of vodka do a teenager. Do teenagers not drink nowadays? I find it hard to keep track.”

“Not till his sixteenth,” Aziraphale says. Eyes scanning the party with as much wariness as Crowley’s had. Adults eating cake from paper plates, teenagers sitting on the grass and sulking at how lame this is.

“I can- I can almost guarantee that lot will have had a cheeky WKD before sixteen,” Crowley mutters into the plastic cup of punch.

Their gazes find The Them, who are sat on the garden bench and on the grass, conspiring amongst themselves. And Crowley thinks that whilst a couple of them aren’t really that badly behaved, Adam has a mischievous streak about him, and the others follow suit. The Youngs are probably struggling to keep up with their teenage son. But then, better the little devil use his powers to make a fake ID to grab a six pack of Strongbow from the corner shop, than to destroy the world.

Just as he’s considering this, the four of them look up at Aziraphale and Crowley. As if they’ve been talking about them.

Crowley sighs, peering at them over the rim of his glasses. “Yep. That lot are trouble makers.”

“It- are they talking about us?”

“Looks like.”

Aziraphale pouts his lips. “Teenagers.”

For a moment, they simply stand at the periphery of the party and survey. Newt and Anathema are here, who they could probably hold some awkward conversation with (“So… world didn’t end then.” “Apparently.”), however, they’re currently occupied by some of the guests from the village. And there’s a lot of other people who’ve been invited by Mr and Mrs Young who seem to be here for their benefit rather than Adam’s.

“Why are we here again?” Crowley whines.

“Because we’re his godparents.”

Crowley wrinkles his nose, peers down at the red juice that’s calling itself punch and doesn’t have nearly enough rum in it. “Not officially.”

“You were the one who assigned us that term, remember?” Aziraphale prompts.

“Suppose.” Then, because he’s feeling brave. And he gets these bouts of bravery when he’s in Tadfield. “How’s about after this we find the nearest pub and pissed. You can crash at mine afterwards.”

There’s a moment when he looks like he’s going to argue, twisting his lips primly and casting fleeting glances at Crowley. All coy. Crowley loves every daft bit of him. “Yes. That does sound good.”

“We can wash down the niceness of this pa- uh-oh. Here they come.”

Aziraphale picks up the slice of cake that he’d laid on the table behind him. A forkful hovering just in front of his mouth. “Sorry?”

“Teenagers, twelve o’clock.”

Aziraphale reluctantly lowers the fork, puts it down on the paper plate and surveys The Approaching Them. Adam at the front. And then the others disperse- going inside to do something more interesting, Crowley supposes. Now, with just Adam, it feels less like they’re about to be ambushed. The boy looks at them with that quietly expectant look he has, and has had since he was eleven when they first met. Though he’s a few inches taller than he used to be.

Dog trots by Adam’s side, and looks up at Aziraphale, pleading silently. Aziraphale brings the plate of cake closer to his chest and narrows his eyes at Dog.

“Thanks for coming,” Adam says, though he doesn’t look massively excited.

“Are you having a nice time?” Aziraphale asks pleasantly.

Adam shrugs. “Not really. Mum and dad invited all their friends and none of mine. Apart from you two, and Anathema and Newt. And obviously Pepper and people. It would be a lot nicer if there weren’t all these annoying old people, too.”

Crowley nods in grim understanding, curls his lips in disregard for said old people.

“Oh,” is Aziraphale’s reply. Then, smile wavering, “Well, it’s nice to see at least that there are people here who care about you, no?”

“They don’t even really know me,” Adam shrugs. “They aren’t here for my birthday. They’re here for the free cake and to boast about their lovely little middle class lives. It’s the perfect opportunity for bourgeoisie posturing under the guise of a birthday party- it’s actually really shallow.”

So this is teenaged Adam. And no less, Adam as a teenager being influenced by Anathema. Aziraphale looks a bit lost for words, but Crowley’s grinning like a loon.

“Well said,” he drawls through his smirk. “Any good presents?”

“Got a Nintendo Switch.”

“Very good,” Crowley replies seriously.

“Anyway,” Adam sighs, “The others have gone inside to find lactose free snacks. I should go help.Brian’s lactose intolerant now.”

“Oh, what a shame,” Aziraphale says sincerely.

“See you later.”

Adam traipses inside, and Dog follows chirpily. Aziraphale and Crowley watch them disappear.

“He’s going to be…” Aziraphale shakes his head, exhales through pursed lips.

“Ball-buster, that one.”

“Yes.”

Some very nondescript music plays distantly. It looks as if Mr Young is attempting to hook up his phone to bluetooth speakers and is struggling, crouching on all fours to inspect the wiring. There isn’t any wiring, is the problem. It’s a wireless speaker system. But that doesn’t seem to have occurred to Mr Young- bum in the air and face buried in Apple technology.

“Oh- oh bother. Why am I like this?”

Crowley turns to see Aziraphale has dropped cake down his waistcoat. He’s holding out the offending plate of cake and frowning at the mess- multi-coloured frosting and sprinkles everywhere. Dog is absolutely delighted, eating the scraps by Aziraphale’s feet.

Aziraphale gives Crowley his sad, cherub eyes. Crowley looks back, pouts his bottom lip. Oh, diddums.

“Would you…?” Aziraphale asks. Looking at him through his lashes.

He gives it a long moment- gives Aziraphale a few seconds to enjoy himself, gives Aziraphale the impression that he needs to work to convince Crowley. He doesn’t.

Crowley snaps his fingers, cake gone. More than that, he turns to fetch him another slice.

And he makes that little flustered smile. The one that makes Crowley putty in his stupid angelic hands. “Oh, thank you.”

“Alright, alright,” Crowley waves a dismissive hand over his shoulder as he goes to get more cake.

There’s the cake- half of it left, at least eight slices. There’s the stack of paper plates. He looks up- no one around. He takes a slice as quickly as he can, not wanting to be cornered by any of the horrifically boring guests.

Then:

“Can I ask you a question?”

Crowley spins round to find Adam. Oh, that’s fine. Adam’s not a boring octogenarian. “Questions? Love questions. Shoot.”

“None of the others believe me,” Adam starts, hands in his pockets, expression as cool and collected as ever. “I’m pretty convinced, but it seems rude to tell them I know when I haven’t even asked.”

“Asked what?”

He’s busying himself with cutting a slice of cake, paying attention but not feeling the need to give Adam his undivided attention. That is until:

“You two are married. Aren’t you?”

A perfect slice of cake had been balanced on the knife in Crowley’s hand. And then Adam had said that. So now, he’s got a perfect slice of cake splattered all over the table. And Adam’s got a speechless demon, steaming from the ears. Literally, steaming from the ears.

“Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-”

“So,” Adam’s eyes widen a little, and he nods slowly. “You’re… not. Married.”

“I’m- you’re- what? Who- why’re- listen,” he says, pointing a paper plate at the son of Satan, “You have no- what did- did he? Where did-”

This could take forever, and they both know it. Crowley’s mouth is a broken record. His brain has disconnected itself entirely from the rest of his body. For a demon who can speak multiple languages, who can speak tongues, he can’t for the life of him speak any of them well. Thus, Adam makes the executive decision of saving him from this never-ending, hellish loop of inarticulacy.

“Sorry for making it weird,” he says, not looking that sorry, “The two of you are just so obviously in love, I figured you guys were married. And gay marriage was only legalised recently, cause, like, homophobia and stuff. So I figured that you didn’t have rings because- are you OK? There’s smoke.”

“What?”

“There’s smoke. Coming from your head.”

Right, so he’s progressed straight from steaming from the ears to smoking. Fantastic, perfect, excellent. It’s probably from the speed that his thoughts are spinning; his brain going so fast, so out of control that it’s generated enough mental friction to cause a fire. Thoughts like-

-me and Aziraphale married a wedding what would we wear where would we live would we live together perhaps we’d have a garden and I could cook for him and he could knit me socks like the socks he gave me for Christmas two years ago and oh holy fuck is it that obvious that I love him does he realise does Aziraphale know does he love me back he loves me he loves me not he loves me he loves me not he loves me-

-OK, he can smell the smoke now. Just wonderful.

Then, from across the garden, Crowley hears Aziraphale exclaim: “Married?”

Pepper is staring at him like he’s an idiot. Aziraphale’s staring back at her like he’s gone catatonic. Holding an empty paper plate. Mouth hanging open. Eyes widening slowly, like the THX theme music should be playing in the background.

And then Aziraphale’s head snaps round to look at Crowley. Looking, as far as he can tell, absolutely mortified.

Crowley stares back.

Adam stares.

Pepper stares.

Crowley puts down the cake knife and takes a deep, nerve-steadying breath. Because whilst the world hadn’t really ended three years ago, it feels a bit like it has now.

Time to face the music, he thinks.

***

Part two possibly will be written if people want one...

[impishnature]

Hell Hath No Fury

Number two! Look at me! I can do this! <3 Imptober Prompts so far 

AO3 Fandom: Good Omens Rating: T+ Prompt: Kidnapped Summary: Warlock is in trouble. And Nanny will not stand for it. 

.

"How? How could they have let this happen?"

The pacing had been going on for a while now. Small heels clicked on marble flooring, over and over. Snap snap snap. If the very ground beneath her feet had burst into flames with her fury neither of them would have been surprised, each drag of her heels a spark of wrath that only added to the burning embers raging through her entire mildly shaking form. 

As it was, the floor seemed hard pressed to refuse the gouging lines she was trying to physically force into them with every sharp step.

"Crowley-"

"Don't Crowley me, Francis." Ashtoreth snarled, spinning toward her companion, a whirlwind of emotion and fluttering skirts. "You're as angry as I am."

"Quite." 

She blinked at the blatant admission, fury momentarily forgotten in a puff of cold shock. She took a second to look him over, note the ice that sat within his gaze, the stone sharp gravel in the rumble from his throat and the tight tremor in his fist. His was a cold anger, the storm that froze all beneath his stare, but he was doing his best to reign it in. 

After all, it wouldn't do for the gardener to rant and rave, it wasn't his place.

And he was so good at playing his part. 

A Nanny, however, was allowed to be beside herself. She'd probably even be permitted to be a little bit hysterical whilst the parents were not looking... but as it was she wanted to be neither of those things.

She wanted heads to roll. And she refused to stand idly by, waiting for others to make it happen.

"But we cannot move, Cr-Ashtoreth." Francis's eyes turned softer, his gaze concerned as he patted the seat beside him. "We're already under suspicion, everyone in the house is. Until the young master is found we must sit and wait-"

"We already know where he is!" Her voice was punctuated by the crack of her umbrella against the ground, enough force to make the marble groan and dent beneath her iron will. The drone of voices in the nearby room hushed and Francis couldn't help but make quick shushing hand gestures, glancing between her and the doorway. "There's already a ransom." Ashtoreth's face took on a twisted dark smile, disbelieving and repulsed in equal measures, even as she lowered her tone to placate him. "One day." She held a finger up accusingly. "Just one day we let them look after their own kid without our intervention and this happens." 

"That's not entirely fair." The words were asinine at best, and at least said with such hollow sincerity that she had no issue with ripping them apart.

"Oh? Is that why you're so stoic all of a sudden? You don't blame them, you blame us?"

Ashtoreth didn't really know what she was aiming for, only that she was in pain and she wanted him to be in just as much pain as she was.

One defeated look from Francis though was enough to make her wish she hadn't, even if she couldn't back down entirely. 

It was a look that said he was aching just as much as her.

That he blamed himself more than anyone else in the world.

And she felt it too, that awful twisting, gnawing guilt but also the vicious harsh reality of the situation that it wasn't fair.

Parents were meant to love their children, protect them no matter the costs.

But at least one of the parents they were employed by seemed hellbent on forgetting his family existed even when they were right in front of him until it was too late.

It shouldn't have been this easy, this simple- they'd never had any issues when they'd looked after him.

"You do, don't you?" She took a step back, resting slowly on her umbrella as she gave him an appraising look. "One day off. That's all we've taken in years. We both needed to report in with our respective management. They should have been able to look after him for. One. Day." 

"They don't know they're dealing with the antichrist."

His eyes said it all. We lost him. We misplaced the antichrist. 

No one else. 

Us.

But that wasn't fair.

And it did not help the matter at hand.

"This has nothing to do with that and you know it. This is bog-standard human idiocy and cruelty. No Angels or Demons needed for that." Ashtoreth's expression soured, a bitter taste at the back of her throat as she continued, disbelief and disgust colouring her voice. "Kidnapping a child to get at the father." The next words came out in a much harsher mutter, more hiss than words and more bite than bark. "A father who doesn't deserve him."

"Crowley." There was far more warning there than there ought to be as far as she was concerned.

Luckily, she never was very good at listening to warnings.

"It's true- and you know not to call me that, Angel." Ashtoreth cursed at the raised eyebrow she got in return, that look that called her a hypocrite without actually saying anything at all. "This isn't helping." She knew her voice was becoming desperate, pleading in a way that would normally fill her with shame, but there was no space inside her narrow frame to hold any more emotion than she was already dealing with. "We know where he is, what's stopping us from just-"

"We can't." Francis stood up, gripping her shoulders tightly but gently, a soft shake to try and drag her back into the reality they faced together. "You know we can't get involved. If we get involved, management on both sides will find out. How will we explain all of this? What will happen then?" His eyes tried to catch hers, moving this way and that but she refused to give him the satisfaction. He gave up with a sigh. "They'll decide we're not up to the task, that's what will happen. And then they'll get others to look after him." He tried to pull her closer, but she refused to budge. "You know that can't happen, deep down under all this anger. We can't let that happen and it will if we-"

She pulled out of his grasp, cutting him off as she pushed his hand aside. "I can't. I can't just- not again. Not this time. I've sat and watched too many things happen before and I refuse to do it again." Her eyes gleamed, locking with his in determination and even though she could feel them welling up she refused to cry in front of him, even in anger. "I don't care if this is part of some ineffable plan- some- some divine intervention or pure fucking coincidence- I will not stand by and let him get hurt. Not now. Not ever."

Francis stared at her, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape in shock. Of course he was startled by her venom, this was a job, after all; that's all it should be for either of them. 

But it was also so much more.

They'd lived through so much and seen so much and she'd be damned if she carried on letting God hold all the cards.

"Of course not." The words were soft, understanding flowing through them in a way it hadn't before. Then came a small nod of approval- acceptance, perhaps even a little bit of pride- and it was all she needed to take a few more steps back, breaking what was left of the hold that kept her at bay. "Of course you can't." 

She turned her gaze away from him, unable to stand the sad smile glimmering in his vision, the eyes that saw through her, saw what she tried to hide, knew her more than she'd ever allowed anyone to be. 

But he'd been there too. Seen the ark, the wars, the suffering- the innocents who didn't deserve their fates. 

But not this little boy. 

Not this time.

This time she could make a difference.

"If one hair is- If they have hurt that child in any way there will be nothing left but ashhh when I am done with them." Her forked tongue was making an appearance and she swallowed down the urge to change, to tear the world apart in search of her boy.

Francis nodded, eyes already darting about as he tried to come up with a plan of action. "I'll do what I can to keep the peace here. No one will even know you're gone. Just be careful- and quick. Hopefully, it won't take too many miracles for us to pull this off and if we're careful no one will be any the wiser." He frowned thoughtfully, fingers tapping nervously. "At least us being separated should help with that."

"Oh, don't worry." Ashtoreth grinned, a vicious wide snarl that showed too many teeth and stretched too far across her cheeks. "I'm not planning on using that much influence on them."

Francis raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you going to change at least?"

"No, I think I look perfect for this particular mission."

~~~

Miles away, in a small unremarkable building, surrounded by police, with each window manned by an unscrupulous kidnapper, the ringleader would come to find that a rather large oversight had been made.

If anyone were able to ask him what exactly had happened that day, he would have to say that despite their fortifications, the back door had been found mysteriously and rather irresponsibly unlocked.

The creak of the floorboards and the clack of small heels would be the only warning any of those in the building had to what would befall them in the next few moments. Before a striking red headed lady in a long black dress walked into the main room with little fanfare as if she hadn't just wandered calmly and obliviously into a hostage situation.

"Who the fuck are you? And what are you doing here?"

"Oh, where are my manners." The lady smiled, though it was the kind of smile more suited for a predator staring at prey than a seemingly unarmed lady surrounded by guns. 

"I'm here for my Godchild." 

~~~

Francis hovered fretfully, only a few hours since her departure. He had heard the news- a team of special operatives had managed to surround the building and break in, pushing forward until the kidnappers gave up their hostage. It all seemed too good to be true, and if he was honest, rather reckless to put the hostage at risk in such a manner.

But then again, he knew a manipulation of reality when he saw one, and at least it was only a small demonic miracle to get the police to believe they had been the ones to save the boy instead of what had actually happened.

He assumed that the assailants would also assume that they had been brought in by the police, though the brutality they no doubt had faced at Ashtoreth's hands might be a lot harder to explain away. Perhaps they had fought back... no doubt she would tell him exactly what had taken place when they had a chance. 

For now, however, he just waited with bated breath as a familiar head of red hair came into view, a small boy wrapped up safe and sound in her arms as she slowly walked down the garden path to the back door of the house.

He quickly did his part. He'd kept the family and police calm, kept them out of Ashtoreth's way while she worked until he'd had the signal that she was on her way back. And now he cleaned up. As far as any of those in the house knew, Warlock had been brought home a while ago, they'd had their tearful reunion with him and now he was being quietly settled by his diligent Nanny, to make sure that he wasn't too traumatised by the entire event.

Perhaps it was a bit malicious to not actually let them have their tearful reunion... but he couldn't say that the denial wasn't a little bit deserved too.

A little bit of divine punishment, if you will. 

He opened the door for her, quickly beckoning her in before closing it just as abruptly, locking out the world from their small bubble if only for a moment. "How is he? Is he alright?"

"He's sleeping." The anger seemed to have abated now, a much softer, warmer simmer to her entire appearance as she cradled him against her shoulder, her words cooing and placating. "It's been a long day but he seemed to think it was all one big adventure." She gave him a sidelong look. "So if my management does for some reason ask, that's what I'll tell them. I took him on an excursion and showed him what he was capable of."

Francis blanched. "He didn't actually see-"

"Of course not." She rolled her eyes at him. "No ones going to hurt him, let alone me." She continued to rock him, humming softly. "He's too young to see... all that." Her smile turned sharp again, grim satisfaction gleaming in her eyes.

Francis shivered. No doubt she had left her mark and the kidnappers would renounce their ways if they knew what was good for them. "G-good. Well, everything is sorted here. You needn't worry about anyone taking him off your hands for a bit." 

Ashtoreth blinked at him blankly for a moment, before glancing down at the boy in her arms. It seemed to dawn on her then that if the parents had tried to take him from her, she might have fought them tooth and claw. She sniffed, standing straighter in a haughty attempt at dignity. "I don't know what you're talking about, gardener. But, I think I should get Master Warlock up to bed. It's been such a long day, we shouldn't disturb his sleep."

Francis smiled, a knowing look that made her scowl deeper as she stalked past him. "Of course. You always know what's best, Ashtoreth."

"Of course I do. I'm his Nanny."

~~~

The next day was a whirlwind of an affair.

The media hounded the door, trying every underhanded method to be the first to get an interview. Security was tightened, meetings were held, and droves of people, relatives, friends, work partners, appeared out of the woodwork to check up on the family- or at least be seen doing so.

That was the crux of it all, Francis couldn't help but think, as the pair sat by and watched the humans do their little dances, the little rituals repeating over and over again. Anything to make sure they were seen, make sure they were heard, each one of them there for reasons that the two of them found distasteful and unremarkable as they instead kept their eyes on what was important- the small boy running around as if nothing had even happened the day before.

Or at least, mostly acting like nothing had happened.

You see, the young boy had a rather interesting story to tell to every new person he was introduced to. 

Each time his parents called him over, only to parade him in front of people to prove that he was alright, they would be treated all over again to the show. They would stand with amused, affectionate smiles that didn't quite reach their eyes as he would grin and wave his arms around, proudly remarking that his Nanny had come to get him from the bad people. 

The adults would laugh, the kind of endearing laughter that adults did when a child was being ridiculous and they had more important things to be discussing and off Warlock would run, back to his games until the next time he was called on to be their pride and joy. 

But his story never changed, no matter how many times he told it.

Nanny had come to bring him home.

She'd always promised him that nothing bad could happen to him, and she'd made good on that promise.

Francis gave Ashtoreth a sidelong glance as they sat on a picnic blanket, propped up against the garden wall as Warlock ran between them and his parents. Ashtoreth kept her eyes on Warlock, acknowledging his glance with only the tilt of her head. It was an unspoken agreement now, that Warlock was always in sight of one of them, neither of them prepared to let anyone else do their job from now on.

"I thought you said he didn't see anything?"

Ashtoreth finally pulled her eyes away from the boy, if only for a moment, to look at him over the top of her glasses, eyes sparkling with mock innocence and mischief. "I said nothing of the sort." 

"You did. You said-"

"I said I didn't let him see any of the violence. That's all." She turned away from him, laughing and shaking her head along with the other adults that looked their way as Warlock yet again retold his tale, an endearing gleam to her eyes that only Francis could see behind her glasses. "Kids say all kinds of impossible things after a traumatic experience, didn't you know?"

Francis smiled, shaking his head as he sat back against the wall. "That they do. That they do."

[thechekhov]

Good Omens Fic Recs

First of all, I’m gonna say that these are probably not ALL the fics I’d recommend, there are more, but I’m trying to keep it comprehensive. 

Fics listed here are non-explicit in nature, though they might contain sexual-ish elements or allusions to sex being had. 

All fics under the cut contain explicit sexual content.

Pre-Apocalypse:

it’s the light (it’s the obstacle that casts it) (5783/Complete)

It's like having a curtain pulled back on something he wasn't expecting to see. A surprise punch-and-judy at an up-scale restaurant, a lobster thermidor when he's ordered an ale.

Crowley's gleefully trying to wrap his head around the fact that Aziraphale is speaking Polari. Because of course he is.

Or: The Patron Saint of London's LGBT Community is real, and he lives in Soho.

two slow dancers last ones out (1658/Complete)

“Do you even know how to waltz?” “No. But you could teach it to me.”

and, so on (8938/Complete) 

Crowley doesn’t remember heaven, but Aziraphale remembers him. 

notes on a theme (4501/Complete)

After six-thousand odd years playing human, Crowley is beginning to suspect they've both gone a bit native.

Nanny Knows Best (series) (32,800/Kinda Complete?)

Being a nanny, that should be simple. Simple. Easy as pie. Crowley wished that were true. (*Warning: this fic contains various depictions of sexual harassment Nanny Ashtoreth has to deal with.)

Wings and How to Hide Them (10134/Complete)

Crowley's been annoyingly in love for six thousand years. What's another lifetime between friends? (*Warning: this fic contains a mild sex scene but it’s not overly explicit, so I’m letting it split through)

When in Rome (series) (3938/Complete)

"And have you?" Aziraphale asked. "Anywhere to be, that is?"

"I don't suppose I do," Crowley said. "Would you like to go to dinner?"

"With a demon?" Aziraphale replied, tipping his head a little, his smile still hiding in his eyes. "I probably shouldn't."

names in history (23468/Complete)

Maybe he’d shown Crowley how to perform a few miracles, but that Crowley had taken to them so well was surely a sign that he wasn’t all bad. And maybe Aziraphale had let himself be called upon to perform a few temptations, but that was just testing the will of the faithful if you looked at it from a different angle.

dream to me (7342/Complete)

“You know, angel. Sometimes I think we’ve been bearing witness to a very great love affair, and we didn’t even notice.”

or: an angel and a demon fall in love. but a bookshop and a bentley do it first.

Linked (15665/WIP)

Crowley allows himself to get caught in a ‘demon trap’. He is now trapped. Oh no. Whatever shall he do.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Post Apocalypse:

Love’s Such An Old-Fashioned Word (2,384/Complete)

There has to be, Crowley thinks, a better word than love.

all i need, darling, is a life in your shape (14,243/Complete)

After everything, Aziraphale and Crowley, by unspoken agreement, begin sharing their lives.

Rip It Up and Start Again (9128/WIP)

After the Apocalypse is averted, an Angel and a Demon go on holiday, which turns into something a bit like retirement... or it would, if there weren't so much unfinished business following them around...

Gourd Omens (11504/Complete)

“Neave is a name I believe and certainly rings a bell but I will have to look up what a cucurbita is - it sounds rather latin.”

“Pumpkin.”

“Yes, dear?”

“Wh-NO not you!”

Aziraphale and Crowley move into their new cottage in South Downs after Armageddidn’t blows over. But of course hellish interference is never far away, and it looks like its target is the local flower show. Can the pair prevent Asparageddon, befriend their neighbours, grow the largest vegetables and win the cup for division B?

A Sky Full of Stars (2575/Complete)

Aziraphale takes Crowley as close to Heaven as they can get, these days.

Salinity (And Other Measurements of Brackish Water) (3455/Complete)

It's an odd thing, getting on after the End of the World. Crowley takes to sea-watching.

dawn on the gates of eden (1262/Complete)

It’s the first day, but it’s an old story.

Slow (9371/Complete)

It started like this: A boy with the ability to warp reality met an angel and a demon and he made assumptions. Aziraphale and Crowley find themselves somehow married. Crowley fears going too fast. Aziraphale forges ahead. Neither know how to ask questions of each other.

it’s a new craze (5541/Complete)

CROWLEY: I try not to make a habit of gratitude, but I must give our appreciation to everyone out there who’s been listening and subscribing to The Ineffable Plan. AZIRAPHALE: Ooh, yes, we’ve become quite popular, haven’t we? CROWLEY: Yeah, just hit number eight on the advice charts … No advertising at all. AZIRAPHALE: Mm. How … miraculous. CROWLEY: … Aziraphale. You did not.

Warning: the rest of these recs contain explicitly mature themes. I’ve tried to tag them to the best of my ability. 

Long Is The Way, And Hard (27081/Complete)

The first time Crawley meets the angel, the celestial being is twisting its shining white robe in its fingers and looking wretched. It hardly spares him a glance as he shifts from snake to human, and Crawley is a touch put-out. It’s taken some practice to be able to do it so fluidly.

#through the ages #gets explicit at the end #soft and emotional sex 

small infinities and all that (13208/Complete)

And there it is, isn’t it? Something they’ve known for a long time, but haven’t named it. Have been too scared to name it. Something that speaks in their bones, in the space between them.

#Crowley and Aziraphale are turned human #gets explicit at the end #soft and emotional sex

The Pleasures of the World/Sleight of Hand (35480/Complete)

Aziraphale's fingers brushed [Crowley's] cheek, then turned his head slowly.

"I'm asking you to think it over," he said, so quietly that Crowley almost couldn't hear him. "That's all."

Crowley's stomach clenched harder. Somehow his hand had gotten ideas again and migrated in the direction of Aziraphale's waist, blindly creeping its way around, forcing the angel to lean slightly forward. This was the sort of thing reckless human teenagers did, or in the very least reckless human adults who hadn't gotten out much and were just beginning to notice how entrancing their bridge partners were.

"Won't take much," Crowley said, and leaned over to kiss him.

#slow burn #buildup of various sexual encounters #Aziraphale and his Hedonism are out for a joyride

The 21st Century, In Which They Finally Work It Out (22379/Complete)

This is light speed in comparison to the last few centuries of their relationship, but Crowley is barely holding on to his patience.

#gets explicit in the end #soft and emotional sex

You, Soft and Only (9400/Complete)

He hadn’t expected a sudden lapful of angel.

“Very sorry about this,” Aziraphale said, and kissed him.

#Aziraphale and Crowley have various sexual encounters through history #get you horny first and break your heart halfway through the story #fem!Aziraphale #fem!Crowley #all sorts of genital configurations and all of it is thoroughly entertaining 

The Better Part of Valour (6204/Complete)

“...the apocalypse has Not Happened and they’ve fallen into queerplatonic (or so they think) bedsharing and Crowley thinks he’s alone in being driven slowly to distraction by it, so he says nothing. Then one night he wakes when it’s still dark, and at first he doesn’t know why, until he hears Aziraphale’s breathing a little raspier than usual, and feels the very slight trembling of the bed.”

#bedsharing #Aziraphale has a Vulva #masturbation #fingerfucking #this one gave me about 5 heart attacks from how hot it was

for let thy efforts be (9337/Complete)

The first time Crowley made the Effort, he was reclining on a very comfortable couch in the dimly-lit confines of a cozy little restaurant in Rome, with his head pillowed upon the breast of an Angel.

#alcohol #nonhuman genitalia #fingering

Surrender (series) (78,828/Complete)

Aziraphale felt the explosion of dark power all the way in London, but had no idea Crowley was involved. When he realizes the demon is missing, Aziraphale goes looking. What he finds is not the lively, wily adversary but a dying snake that barely feels of demonic power at all. The angel can perform miracles, but he can’t heal a demon. Aziraphale has to do everything he can to save Crowley, because an eternity alone on this Earth is as unthinkable as the end of the world was.

#Hurt and Comfort #Near Death Experience #Crowley is a VERY pushy sub #marking/possessiveness #piercings and tattoos done with holy water/blessed objects