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ellagracehargreeves · 5 years ago

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“The Spark” Music Playlist.

Here’s the Playlist on Youtube! The songs are also individually linked below!

I don’t have spotify or any of the other music things because I don’t listen to much music and I am BROKE!

(PLEASE GOD DON’T MAKE FUN OF MY VIDEOS IF YOU LOOK, I WAS A SMOL DUMBASS CHILD I SWEAR I’M LESS CRINGY NOW OK, I PROMISE.)

Love y’all. And I love these songs, Here’s why:

Lean on me - Bill Withers : Ella’s lullaby. Vanya started singing it to her around the age of 1 when she heard it on the radio at the 7/11 while she was trying to calm a fussy Ella. She began singing along with the song as a last ditch attempt, and it surprisingly worked like a charm. Ever since then, Cara and Vanya, mostly Vanya, sing it to Ella sometimes at bedtime, substituting the words with “Mother” and “daughter” when needed. It always calms Ella down.

Hazy Shade of Winter - Gerard Way (feat. Ray Toro) : …. Duh. Plus this gets me hype for Ella being powerful and happily violent and just being a part of the Hargreeves clusterfuck. ….This just slaps.

Cold Blooded - Khalid (slowed) : So this doesn’t fit entirely, but basically to me this feels like what Vanya feels when she’s empty, sad, and just blank, but then she sees her daughter being happy. It doesn’t erase the deep sadness within her, but it strengthens the resolve that she has. She will give everything she has for her daughter, just to make sure she’s warm and happy. Also this song makes me think of Ella forcibly cuddling Vanya on the couch when she is having a bad day.

(Slowed Down) Elastic Heart - Sia : Just…. V a n y a.

Dancing with your Ghost- Sasha Sloan : This song makes me think of Vanya and Ella and Cara, being happy and dancing together and making memories, but at the same time Vanya struggles with her guilt involving her siblings. She can see them sometimes within her girl, she can see them as she makes the memories. She feels like she doesn’t deserve to be happy, because she never has. She struggles with that feeling when she feels so happy her heart could burst. This song also makes me think of the relationship between Cara and Vanya, it just makes me think of Vanya trying not to cry over something but then Cara pulls her head down to her lap and runs her fingers gently through her hair and Vanya can finally let it out and it’s peaceful and happy.

(Slowed down) I found - Amber Run : Vanya…… If the commission wins.

(Her mouth is open in a silent scream as she cradles the small body towards her, this can’t be happening, no no no nonononono not her baby-

Why aren’t they helping her- Please, she’s hurt, can’t you see-?- She can’t tell the difference between her tears and those of the heavens, between the tears on her face and the blood on her hands-)

(She is no longer herself, she is a steadily growing drum-beat of pure pain and grief and power and she is not thinking but the very earth shall pay for the blood that has spilled, HER FLESH AND BLOOD-)

Somebody That I Used To Know (slowed down) - Gotye (ft. Kimbra) : The Hargreeves siblings and Vanya, after her betrayal is revealed. They feel like they should’ve been told about Ella, even if they weren’t close to Vanya at all, which is valid. But Vanya remembers them as being cold and shitty to her and tbh she’s only telling them for Ella’s sake. Plus this song is just melodramatic and I feel like it would fit the Hargreeves in any situation. Like, I can see Klaus or Diego stubbing their toe and then having this song playing in their head. They’re all extra as hell and this song works for any betrayal.

( slowed down ) lovely - Billie Eilish (ft. Khalid) : This is honestly one of my favorite songs, especially slowed down. I just listen to it while writing because it’s beautiful. But it also kinda reminds me of Vanya and her glass wall, constantly struggling with the feeling of being trapped and being stuck within her childhood abuse. She fights against it for Ella, her beautiful Ella, who gives her hope no matter how trapped she feels. This song is just a sad bop tho. Good shit.

Night Bus (Slowed) - Gabrielle Aplin : A happier sounding bop, but still slow and chill. I know it’s about lovers, but we ain't gonna take it that way okay.

“I’m on my way home to you for the last time” obviously doesn’t fit, because Vanya wouldn’t leave her daughter alone, ever, but this song kinda makes me think of Vanya gradually letting Ella go and letting her be her own person. Like, she’s still her mom, and this song also makes me think of the love between them. It makes me imagine Vanya watching Ella play in the park, or maybe watching her interact with the other girls at Gym, and thinking to herself “She’s got this. She’ll be okay. I don’t have to stay so close, she’ll still come back to me in the end even if I let her go.”

Also, this song is calming but happy, instead of most of these which are calming and sad. I needed a happier song, one that made me think of hugs and playing outside and having snowball fights and happy squeals and playing tag with wide involuntary smiles and flushed cheeks. In short: ‘Tis a bop. A happy bop. Happy times.

revenge (slowed & reverb) - xxxTentacion : Makes me think of Vanya, disillusioned, believing that her siblings have known about her powers this entire time. Makes me think about her thirst for revenge, to make them feel the soul-deep infraction against her. Makes me think of Vanya being torn between keeping her daughter safe, keeping her terrified daughter comforted, and her revenge. Torn between holding the one she loves most and punishing those who were supposed to love her. It makes me think of agonizing indecision.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I don’t know if this scenario will happen in the fic! I’m not sure how things will go down, and how Vanya will find out and react to her powers. I’m making this shit up as I go! But this song made me think, “What if?”

Dollar For Your Sadness - Unlike Pluto : (They hurt her daughter, her world, her Ella, She will DESTROY them, ALL OF THEM-)

JOLT - Unlike Pluto : The lyrics perfectly describe Vanya’s eternally growing resentment, her struggle of trying to forget her childhood, her trauma, her siblings, while raising her daughter. Trying to leave the past behind so she can move on with her Ella and Cara, her real family. They’re all she has now. Aren’t they?

(Also, Jolt. Electricity. Sparks. Heh heh heh. I’m so clever.)

Villain of My Own Story - Unlike Pluto : I’m unsure of this one, not sure if it fits. Vanya getting fed up with her siblings’ muttered remarks and snide comments? (*unconvincing cough* Diego and possibly Luther) Her just going “yknow what fuck all y’all you can suck a cattapilla dick” and being angery and pissed off? Tbh I just put this song in here because I discovered Unlike Pluto yesterday and went feral.

Maybe Vanya during the explanation, or her when she snapped at Diego? (The first time) or maybe it’s just her feeling so put down and invalidated and such a failure that she just goes “fuck this.” Vanya when Ella got bullied? It makes me think of the moments where she’s ticked off and her powers show up but just barely bc she eventually calms herself.

It makes me envision a young girl, possibly Vanya, idk, in tattered, dirty clothes, running down an alleyway in slow motion, and all I can see is the back of her hair flowing in the wind as she runs, the bottoms of her feet as she takes another step. I can see her checking behind her to see if she’s being followed, her hair whipping on her face so she can hardly see. It makes me think of frustrated anger, just an overall feeling of “FUCK THIS SHIT.”

Whatever. I listen to it when I write. It’s in the playlist.

Stay and Decay - Unlike Pluto : (Cartoon masks and gunshots. Flashing lights, ears covered tight, eyes squeezed shut, tears staining her cheeks, fear-)

(Mommy? Mommy! Mommy, no, nonono-)

(There’s dark blood staining her small, small hands- they hurt Mommy, they hurt her, she’ll hurt them- Mommy’s blood dripping- spilling, flowing- onto the wood floor and why won’t it stop-)

(-MommyMommyMommy- Please Mommy, I’m scared-!)

(She’s running after them, her feet hitting the ground, her mother’s blood splattering behind her, Mommy yelling garbled, broken protests- ringing ears, pounding heart, eyes sparking green, r a g e- )

(-she’ll get them, she’ll hurt them, she has to, THEY HURT HER MOTHER-)

Rocky Mountain High - John Denver : :) this is Cara’s favorite song, and my mother likes it as well :) Cara hums it a lot, and sometimes she sings it to Ella. Vanya’s not approving of it, because the song is about WEED, but she doesn’t do anything to stop it. Cara finds the hidden meaning hilarious when she sings it to the child.

everything i wanted (slowed + reverb) - Billie Eilish : Vanya has everything she needs, but she’s still drowning inside herself. Vanya has everything, yet she still feels so so dead. But Cara holds her, smelling like forest leaves, and Ella smiles at her, looking like beautiful starlight, and they make it better. They will always make it better, and she loves them.

The Phoenix - Lindsey Sterling : Ella. Ella, dancing in the air. Ella, hugging her mother tightly. Ella, sweet, gentle Ella- bright as the sun itself, Ella, powerful Ella. Ella, her happy light infecting everyone she meets, Ella, her excitement emerging in response to every new thing she encounters. Beautiful, beautiful, chaotic Ella- adjusting reality with a twitch of her finger. Ella, summoning a tornado full of destructive everyday things with a single tantrum. Ethereal Ella, dancing and laughing and smiling and hugging and throwing and yanking and crushing and destroying Ella. Just… Ella. Loving, Obliterating Ella.

That’s all I have for now! I gotta admit, writing all that out kind of drained me. I might reblog this with additions as I add them, if you guys want! Thanks for checking out this glance inside my process.

#music #writing music #writing #writing post #The Spark #The Umbrella Academy #Umbrella Academy #the umbrella academy fanfiction #vanya hargreeves #vanya hargreeves fanfiction #original character #original child character #ella hargreeves #ella grace hargreeves #playlist #fanfiction #fanfiction playlist

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grizzlefur · 8 years ago

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WWEm - The United States of Snickers

This episode of WWEm by Emma™ contains your recommended daily intake of Raw and Smackdown.

Transmission date: Monday 13/Tuesday 14 March 2017 .

Slightly later than planned because I just fell into a hole of cool youtube videos, here is SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW! .

(but earlier than my usual schedule, because that still doesn't exist) .

(no, not you, daniel) .

we open with dramatic stills of goldberg getting a belt he didn't deserve and flaunting it on raw last time .

and brock entering the room anzzzzzzzz .

*snort* .

this angle is such bullshit and they're hanging the whole show round it .

really the best possible outcome would be for goldberg to retain and then shinsuke debut and take it off him the following day .

we're in detroit .

because apparently people still live there .

(go...oilers?) .

(wait, shit, red wings) .

(oilers are in fucking edmonton, no idea where that came from) .

anyway, brock is here now, which is why i'm busy talking about hockey instead .

the weird placement of sponsor idents on the graphic for the mania fight makes it look like they're fighting for the Snickers Universal Championship .

ooooh, the crowd is split .

some suplex city chants, some violent hate .

nice to see him get actual heel heat .

paul opens by having a rapturous reaction to the f5 last week .

slightly delayed reaction there .

also, it happened in a different state .

at least, i assume it did .

fucked if i can remember where this show is week on week .

oh wait, last week was chicago because the crowd was bullshit .

how many other things can i find to talk about instead of paying attention to the brock show? .

paul is predicting the death of their foes and brock's illimitable dominion over all .

the usual .

also taunting the crowd and dramatically announcing goldberg isn't here .

and counting things off on his fingers but stopping at one .

either that or he was doing a weirdly inappropriate thumbs-up throughout that section .

BROCK .

STAND THE FUCK STILL .

ahem .

sorry, that's been building up for months .

i just want to reach in through the screen and grab his shoulders .

okay, yeah, he's just gesturing with his thumb .

that's weird .

oh hey, they're going now .

what a loss .

instead, we have mick backstage in a room made of curtains .

they can't afford walls in detroit .

steph turns up to try and mend fences with mick .

which is kind of nice .

she's saying she's trying to teach mick how to be a manager, and now she's going to try being nice rather than a bitch .

so her first lesson is how to trim the fat .

so by the end of the episode, he has to fire someone .

because this drives motivation and performance up? .

ah, corporate philosophy .

i like anti-villain steph .

still evil, but not a needless bitch .

weird cut for ads, and now it's sasha/dana? .

apparently .

bayley and charlotte are at ringside, obv .

oh yeah, the mania title match is a triple threat .

i had forgotten that .

apparently this angle started on facebook, because fuck television .

charlotte has instructed dana to fuck sasha up and make sure she doesn't make it to mania .

dana's gear's had a redesign, and it's actually quite nice now .

and sasha gets a rollup off absolutely shitting nothing for the pin .

good effort, dana .

sasha and bayley immediately fuck off, leaving charlotte to scream at dana on mic .

charlotte's going to break up with her because she's a useless shit .

so dana punches her in the face a bunch .

which has been coming for a while, honestly .

so yeah, dana is getting a solo career? .

that's cool .

it'll be nice to see her be anything more than an accessory .

also, she's got fucking huge crowd pops for beating the shit out of charlotte .

hit her music (which we haven't heard in a while), charlotte storms off .

but now, have a mawkish bit of inspiration porn as we announce the warrior award for the year .

it's eric legrand .

football player who broke his neck in a game .

which feels like it's the kind of thing where vince'd tell wrestlers to walk it off if they did it in the ring

but still .

now he's a motivational speaker .

so we get the standard story about how anyone can beat anything if they try hard enough and fight through the pain and regenerate your nerves through fucking wanting it enough .

(full disclosure: i have some problems with this narrative) .

besides, it should have gone to kris travis .

anyway .

later we have sami/jericho v owens/joe, and fallout from roman/taker last week .

but now, purple ropes .

but no austin on announce .

sadface .

it's a leadin tag match for the 5-way on 205 .

tjp/tozawa v kendrick/nese .

and for the record, this is the brian kendrick, not a bryan kendrick .

starts off with kendrick/tozawa in the ring, only for nese to immediately blind tag and coldcock him .

nevertheless, beautiful suicida on kendrick there .

weird pan out to neville watching this .

and replays of nese doing some of kendrick's tricks during the break .

ooh, beautiful strong style elbow to nese's face there .

nese sits there with tozawa in his shitty bodyscissors for a really uncomfortable length of time .

tozawa almost fights his way through a side waistlock to a tag through the power of HA .

tjp tags in, cole calls him the "Flim-Flam Flash" again .

it was forgivable the first time, michael .

i do love tj's moveset .

oh hey, i'm in the corner and you're running at me, i could just step out of the way and let you run into the ring post like a normal person, or i could JUMP OVER THE ROPES AND TAKE YOU DOWN WITH A TOP ROPE SPRINGBOARD DDT BECAUSE I'M TJ FUCKING PERKINS .

that aside, nese just threw tozawa into tjp, then pinned him off the distraction .

so that happened .

more on 205 .

later we have enzo/cass v sheamus/cesaro for the contendership, so now let's have charly interviewing gallows and anderson in a room made entirely of led screen with the raw banner on them .

the club's angle is hey why are you asking us about those dipshits why is every word out of your mouth not about us we're gonna fuck the world *walks off* .

sound interview .

but now, here's kevin owens .

in his new shirt .

which is the mania 2 logo, bot with a bunch of masking tape over 'wrestle' with KO on it .

i approve .

graphic to remind you that owens and jericho will be fighting over the Snickers United States Championship .

official belt of the united states of snickers .

but now, kevin has a mic and a spotlight .

it's apparently exactly a month since he murdered the concept of friendship .

so let's have another video package of that day in vegas, when all our dreams died .

and i still maintain that that screen shattered way more explosively than anyone there expected .

kevin helpfully clears up that he didn't betray his best friend, because he was a manipulative douchewad from the start .

but that's okay, because apparently chris was too .

so he had to fuck him over before he fucked him over right back .

...wow, that had a lot of vague pronouns and prepositions in it .

lady who did a languages degree, folx .

doesn't mean i can actually write .

although hurriedly writing vaguely relevant shit while being shouted at by a loud québécois man is oddly reminiscent of college .

so yeah, kevin's general thesis is that he's going to continue fucking jericho over until he goes away, because who needs friends when you have a large hawai'ian man named joe .

this match brought to you by snickers .

Snickers: Buy Our Confectionery, We Have So Many Conflict Peanuts To Unload. .

two advert breaks later, here are the face team .

wow .

i ust want all three of the other people to crowd joe out of the ring like the fuck are you doing here, you're not canadian .

fun fact: when an area has at least three canadians in a ten-foot square, it becomes sovereign territory .

tease owens/jericho, then immediately tag joe in .

standard .

so instead, chris is standing on the apron lambasting kevin .

aaaaand getting kicked in the face .

so that went well .

sami does a tope con giro onto kevin and joe, then does a big OW MY KNEE thing .

you can tell it's a work, because sami doesn't acknowledge real pain .

gets back in the ring, and then joe and kevin beat him up until the ref hits the dq .

sami spends some time in the coquina clutch while getting kicked in the face, until chris rescues him .

chris and kevin finally tussle, kevin almost ends up in the walls .

joe comes to the rescue, holds chris while kevin hits him for a while, then throws him into a popup bomb .

not gone well

and now we're back to mick and steph in the curtain room .

steph's offering to help him pick who to fire .

she's suggesting sami .

but hey, here's nia .

who is pissed about sasha being in the women's title match when she isn't .

steph applauds her ambition and gives her a match with bayley, so she can be all hey look i'm nice .

mick walks off to think .

limps through a corridor thinking, then roadmap mahal turns up to shout at him about how he shouldn't fire him .

and he wants an opportunity .

so mick's given him a match with roman to make him go away .

nooo .

fighting jinder is not going to put you over as a heel .

and now we're backstage (or possibly in a parallel dimension) with the new day advertising their new talk show .

which starts now, i guess

with special guest the big show .

with xavier singing his music .

and this show is, naturally, called .

new .

day talks .

they start asking big show about mania, then immediately stop for a word from their sponsors .

(new day pops) .

every time show starts talking, one of the new day talk over him with a general ice cream direction .

and then titus comes in blowing a whistle? .

i have no clue what the fuck is going on .

he's angry about the firing situation .

and angry at show because he didn't get to star in the new jetsons film? .

show is like um i have no control over those decisions .

titus storms off .

new day sign off with a moral about titus ruining everything .

so...that happened? .

or this root beer has gone bad .

one of the two .

in any case, to dial down the weirdness a bit, here's enzo amore .

hey, i said 'a bit' .

enzo has apparently got cesaro a gift .

it's a cuppa haters mug for his coffee .

enzo's put it on the ring post .

seems perilous .

ooooh, edgy gender role joke .

shut up, zo .

oh hey, he did .

instead we get cass doing an extended march madness riff .

sprinkle it with some references to local geography, people eat that shit up

fun fact #2: cesaro is still wearing kinesio tape all over that shoulder

i love how all of enzo and cass' double team moves are some variation on 'throw a small italian-american man at them' .

cesaro and sheamus are using a bunch of clean heel tactics in this, and corey is talking them up .

are they the heels in this match? .

they still don't feel like heels to me .

sheamus gets a lovely top rope crossbody off a blind tag, feels even more heel-but-not .

and suddenly anderson and gallows turn up and kick cass and sheamus in the head .

double dq? .

well, i guess they said they were going to take the spotlight .

(in this writeup, they said they were going to fuck the world, but hey) .

(to-MAY-to, AR-ti-choke) .

start wailing on everyone, finishing with a magic killer to cesaro .

their finisher to enzo was basically just gallows pushing him away .

but now, let's talk about strowman/taker/roman .

even better, let's have some videos .

of roman pissing off the wind and reaping a chokeslam .

apparently they made roman/taker official .

i really hope they use it to put him over as a heel .

but now mick shouts at the club backstage .

gallows calls him a nerd .

mick is like JESUS FUCK this is not the night to mess with me .

so he makes it a triple threat title match at mania .

kind of saw that coming .

but now, cut back to the arena and we have roman/jinder .

cole calls taker 'the original big dog' .

hate to break it to you, but i'm p sure the original big dog was, um, a big dog .

that's kind of how metaphors exist .

they tend to start off as something that actually happened .

the narrative behind this match is 'the boss is having a bad day, let's take it out on you' .

which i'm sure a detroit crowd can relate to .

lights dip and BONG, distracts roman and lets jinder beat him up a bunch and almost pin him .

not actually pin him, because it's jinder fucking mahal, but still .

and superman punch for the pin .

weird closeup of roman as his jaw bounces up and down like ayayayayayay .

thanks, edit team .

oh fuck, now he has a mic .

calling taker out .

because he's totally the kind of guy who'd respond to that .

cut for ads, and when we come back he has still "just" called taker out .

canon time .

but... .

instead we have hbk? .

oh hey, random wrestlemania-season nostalgia .

roman's face says 'i'm meant to be angry at you for being here but i'm also super stoked because you're shaun fucking michaels' .

such acting as dreams are made on .

cmon roman, dick on him, it'll be perfect for heel cred .

at least he's addressing it .

like hey shaun it's cool to see you but you are entirely not the undertaker please fuck away off .

shaun has words for him about how he's distracted and unfocused and the undertaker is already inside his mind .

roman's like yeah man whatever big dog .

shaun's like ok granted big dog but i'm SHAUN FUCKING MICHAELS so listen up u lil shit let me learn you a thing .

giving roman some tough love life advice .

roman's like the fuck do you know taker retired you and i'm gonna retire him .

[heel heat intensifies] .

and walks off .

okay, so they are turning him heel .

well .

i think so? .

he walks off up the ramp, announcers start talking, braun explodes out of nowhere to push roman (and almost the camera guy) off the stage .

thank you chants begin .

replay of the admittedly impressive arse-over-tip bump roman did down the ramp .

cut back to mick and steph in the curtain room .

with steph like see that's the kind of initiative we need .

raw under steph would be a lawless mad max wasteland .

mick is trying to stall, steph's like you have an hour do the thing or i will do it for you .

cut to the announcers talking about what a big thing this is .

but now, let's have a video package about austin .

not his usual package .

austin has a new, up-to-date package .

his old package was full of old stuff and kind of yellow-tinted .

package jokes aside .

this is a recap of everything since the punchterview .

i will miss austin aries, expert journalist .

but now we have austin's ass and its superlative credit rating .

up next, austin/daivari .

gee, can't imagine which way that'll go .

good lord austin, can we lose the disco yeti jacket .

it's not a good thing .

oh hey, ariya got here during the break .

cos fuck that guy .

austin gets out of a crooked headscissors by...doing a headstand, then jumping up and dropkicking daivari in the face? .

um...you do you, austin .

daivari focuses on attacking austin's bad eye, this is somehow not a dq .

austin also has the hang of doing suicide dives without smacking head-first into the barricade .

and spinning elbow for the win .

shocker .

so wait, what big matches do we have left? .

presumably they're gonna spin something .

in any case, let's has brockberg recaps from last week and this week and who the fuck cares week .

(which is every week, dpepnding who you ask)

and now a video about how cool emma was until we took her away and made her look like she was gonna be shit .

the return of emma, coming soon .

but everything else aside, here's show .

oh yeah, he's fighting titus over the fact that he was hired to be the villain in a jetsons film .

wrestling, everyone .

the surprisingly trim show is just wiping the floor with titus .

as you might expect .

chokeslam .

just fucking pin him already .

or do another one, that's cool too .

show clearly very angry about the whole jetsons voice acting thing .

third chokeslam for the pin .

and big show walks off .

you can tell it's a pointless segment when nobody involved says a fucking word .

and now women's history month, introduced by notable non-woman byron saxton

about billie jean king, who i'm not going to make jokes about because she's p great .

and we're not even gonna have talking head superstars talking about bjk .

just a mystery announcer .

but now we have sasha and bayley in the locker room, talking about the prospects of fighting nia .

some tension is growing between them .

bayley and sasha, that is .

plenty of tension already exists towards nia .

mania advert and basic maths remind me that mania weekend starts in FIVE FUCKING DAYS .

and i'm...what, 12 days behind? .

time to crack on .

but before anything of import, here's a recap video of owens/jericho earlier .

and now chris is in the locker room in his sparkly jacket .

random dude asks him what he's up to .

basically, he's going to expose kevin as a huge tool and then kill him at mania .

oh hey, apparently it's mike rohm .

chris is convinced he's tom phillips .

so yeah, next week we have the highlight reel with 'the real kevin owens' mike/tom has just made the list .

which makes a triumphant return .

thank fuck .

that was too good to lose .

but now for what i'm guessing is our main event, we have a young hispanic woman and six dancing tubes .

one of which she helps when it hasn't inflated properly .

awwwwwwwwww .

and her opponent, a large samoan woman with outstanding eye makeup .

oh christ, we're in brooklyn next week .

new york crowds are always either amazing or a nightmare .

speaking of brooklyn, anyone remember these two at takeover brooklyn II? .

this will not be as good .

i guarantee it .

corey casually throws in trump and microwaves .

edgy .

this is mostly just bayley getting a lot of shit beaten out of them .

and nia beats bayley into a corner until they ring the dq .

so satisying .

there's a gumshield in the ring, and i have no clue if either of these wear one .

but next, our real main event, an old man signing some papers .

after some recaps of the strowman situation .

apparently we finally have roman/braun next week as well .

but in the ring it's the woman herself, summoning her underling to fire a person .

mick is stalling, but has apparently had a thought .

i think i know where this is coming .

it's going to improve the show and mick's life .

oh hey, it's stephanie mcmahon .

who knew .

she's like oh hey not in your purview fuck off .

so instead, he's resorting to shouting at her .

and exalting the human rights of their employees .

and pulling out the bit where she swore she wasn't evil last year .

so she should leave because she's a terrible person and her and hunter are fucking their wrestlers over .

she starts full-evil ranting at him, he shouts her down, cue motorhead and the man himself .

(full disclosure: motorhead are not here in person) .

he's got his usual corporate smirk on .

mick's like oh hey i'm happy to talk to you i wasn't sure you existed any more .

hunter comes back like did you even look for me i'm running a business .

and he doesn't want a lawsuit just before mania, or he'd rip mick's leg off and beat him with it .

(actual quote) .

ripping into mick for being a nostalgic sideshow while he's creating the future .

and he's only here because steph likes him .

cm punk chants? .

not totally sure why .

god, i love hunter insulting people .

mick's letting it out a bit as well about how he doesn't like hunter .

dramatically pulls out his false teeth to make a point about authenticity .

hhh makes thinly-veiled threats to fire him, mick is basically ok with this .

so now he's threatening his children by extension .

he's giving mick one last chance to fuck off backstage and have an epiphany about how much he loves his job and his employers .

making no bones about how everyone here is a slave to their whims .

mick starts leaving, steph starts using him to insult the crowd .

bad move .

mick has stopped .

crowd goes wild .

hunter goes up to him, and we see what they saw .

mr socko returns, foley puts a mandible claw on hunter until steph drags him off and powerslaps him .

crowd are on fucking fire .

hunter rolls up his sleeves and advances on mick, hit seth's music .

he enters, crutch and all .

then dramatically drops it .

it's almost like the man the company always said would be fine for mania is fine for mania .

he runs into the ring, starts taking it to hunter, points at the sign dramatically, dropkicks him out of the fucking ring, crowd goes absolutely ballistic, good triumphs after all .

hunter picks up the convenient crutch he landed next to, heads menacingly into the ring, gets coldcocked anyway .

but then beats seth's bad knee with it until it bends .

dramatically removes the shirt .

and starts stamping on his bad knee, before locking in a reverse figure-four on it all accompanied by steph's unparalleled ringside shouting .

she is so much fun when she goes full evil .

refs pull hunter off (with some trepidation), so he just picks up the crutch again and resumes .

gives up after a few hits, then walks off .

and we fade on seth lying in the ring going AAAAAAH MY KNEE a lot .

that's what i get for the whole 'good triumphs after all' thing, then .

i forgot what company this was .

anyway, it being my usual joke aside, these painkillers have actually just kicked in .

so smackdown will follow, after a brief interlude where i see new colours and giggle at clouds .

see you all under the cut

------------------------------

well that was exciting .

new colours include 'blortch' and 'kalavine' .

so with those out of the way, let's sail into the bright blortch skies of SATURDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN! .

(hey, that's got a ring to it) .

we open on a flashback from talking smack, which you may have gathered i do not watch, so this is news to me .

it's aj shouting at shane backstage .

oh, so it's setting up the mania match nobody wanted .

the best possible ending will be just aj beating him into an absolute pulp so aj gets all the heel heat and shane gets a reason to stop pulling this self-promoting bullshit .

but let's set it up in a weird kayfabe-fuzzy way so it's all edgy and interesting .

shaky footage of aj going off at shane in the control room .

and now we're now .

with bryan on the phone helpfully informing us that miz and randy have things tonight, and mickie will be fighting .

aj appears to rant at him and ask where shane is .

bryan stands up to him and aj's like fuck i'm medically not allowed to hit you but imma murder our boss .

storms off, and now he's coming into the arena .

they don't want none .

but he most definitely wants some .

aj gets a mic, proceeds to just huff for a while .

[heavy breathing intensifies] .

crowd chants begin, he gets this pained look of fuck it guys i'm a heel .

he's telling us he's pissed at shane and bryan for not giving him the opportunity he deserved .

yknow, just in case you haven't been watching .

he's just generally pissed .

just emanating scorn .

and maintaining that he beat harper in that battle royal .

just in case you...*were* watching? .

aj joins in pointing out that randy should probably be getting arrested for arson .

which is true .

so angry he forgets how the word 'glue' goes .

apparently bryan eats kettle chips .

this episode of smackdown brought to you by... .

aj wants a conversation with shane tonight like fuck it my career's clearly already dead and buried .

double-edged sword on the announce table .

otunga's off filming (yay) but mauro's stuck in a blizzard (boo) .

so just tom and jbl .

later randy talks to bray, but now we have becky/nattie .

at least tom joined the smackdown team .

can you imagine if it was just jbl .

*horrified silence* .

so tom's doing lead commentary and everything feels a little bit more nxt .

nattie enters, and you remember how she had new gear that looked less shit? .

welp, it didn't last .

she has new gear again, but it's back to shitty sambuca-shots-at-an-Ann-Summers-party pvc .

becky immediately goes super aggressive, nattie honest to god tries to call a timeout .

so becky smacks her in the face .

valid .

becky does an stf, because angry becky has her own moveset .

cut to ads, come back just before nattie does a sitout powerslam on the floor .

ouch .

both of them breaking out their midseason upgrade angry movesets here .

sure, nattie, dropkick her in the back, why the fuck not .

Becky Lynch Kai v. Natalya Epyon .

becky counters a superplex attempt into a disarmher right next to the ropes like fuck you i'm irish, nattie taps .

so carmella immediately appears with her boo to kick them both in the head .

(she does the kicking, he's just eye candy) .

(but it's one of those weird finnish candies) .

cut to aj pacing around the arena car park, waiting for shane to arrive .

and from there to a recap package of cena hosting the kids' choice awards .

and just having the most fun .

god, but that man loves his job .

even getting sprayed with barrels of gunge, he's just like fuck yeah this is the life .

up next, extra special miztv .

but first, cut to dasha collaring carmella and guest backstage .

carmella defends her actions by saying fuck it, i thought everyone had a title shot at mania .

but now, cut back and miz is already on a roll .

does an enormous dramatic intro for himself and maryse .

and apparently they're going to expose how john and nikki are frauds .

fun fact #3: that's not even her real name, the lying bitch .

and as for him, he...oh, it is? well then, never mind .

cues a video from talking smack, in which he continues to rant about the elaborate lie john cena is apparently living

this is some outstanding ranting .

apparently cena is also controlling daniel bryan .

i love it when they just let miz off the chain, because damn can he freestyle .

ooh, maryse is getting a talking spot .

apparently there's some dangerous forbidden clip of total divas .

wow, this is the most words i've ever heard out of her weirdly-accented mouth .

apparently nikki scammed her out of a total divas contract .

she can clearly not freestyle, because miz is leading the fuck out of this section .

this is apparently the smackdown episode where we set up all the undercard .

matches for mania that we haven't had time to lead into yet .

won't be surprised if they set up show/shaq, despite neither being on this show .

miz and maryse are beign the biggest heels, but getting huge pops cos it's against cena .

john and nikki arrive, chase miz and maryse out of the ring .

nikki takes john's mic, retorts with how this is all a lie and maryse is a bitch and .

everybody hates her and hey i'm nikki bella i'm inspirational .

challenges maryse to a fight, john dutifully clears the furniture out of the ring behind her .

miz is like ummmmmm...no? .

oh hey that's all the time we have end of the segment .

except wait .

there's a bearded man of the hills .

like hey mike, fuck you, have more time .

this has not been even slightly extra special .

and apparently he wants to punch miz in the face .

which frankly, i can't believe he hasn't done yet .

fuck off bryan, he doesn't imitate your moves poorly .

the yes kicks were dumb as hell to begin with .

bryan is pissed that he contractually can't punch miz in the face .

but hey, he knows two people who can .

so he makes cena/bella v miz/maryse at mania, dubbed "The Ultimate Facepunching Extravaganza"

fuck 'wrestlemania', that's a way better name .

and cut to aj, still lurking in the parking area (which is clearly already full, but w/e) .

later randy has a talk, but first, alexa/mickie .

after a very brief women's history section that doesn't even have the generic announce voice .

sigh .

but yeah .

here's mickie .

with her entrance music WHICH YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD BEFORE .

and recap videos of her kicking alexa's head off .

so is she turning face? .

cos i don't know if i can be bothered with face mickie .

i've just noticed how much both of these look like they've joined the star sapphire corps .

nattie hasn't, but she's turned up in her homemade star sapphire costume anyway

to clarify, she is not actually here .

match starts, alexa still has her shirt on for some reason .

she has too much aggression to bother with this 'ring gear' bullshit .

throws mickie onto the floor, stands there roaring fit to burst something .

mickie gets the initiative back, bridging fisherman suplex for two .

and alexa gets back to just beating the shit out of her .

revenge of the angry sparkle fairy .

does a chancery toss on mickie, because fuck wellness policies and the fact .

that you are barely five foot jumping, all things are possible in RAGE

tom says "Oh, Mickie James", is immediately sued .

mickie manages to get a counter in, sets up for the mickdt, alexa just yells some more and counters back .

resume the beating .

until a really sloppy mick kick from nowhere takes her down for the pin .

that was...weird .

not sure i got the point of that match .

alexa storms off with her belt, still shrieking .

and mickie stands there like w/e biatch .

hey, remember what i said about segments where nobody talks? .

announce shill bit, then back to aj haunting the garage .

renee turns up to be like um aj are you ok .

aj rants a bit, then a car comes in .

bearing the out-of-condition middle manager himself .

so aj immediately starts murdering him with every surface in there .

shane's classic signature move of 'receiving grievous bodily harm' .

aj puts his head through a car window .

i'm assuming it was gimmicked, but it's shane, so you never know .

renee and other manager guy whose name i forget run in to chase aj away and call in the medics .

gimmicked or not, nice scalp cut on shane .

cut to ads, then an immediate recap video of that whole bit .

back to the present, and the paramedics are triaging an incensed shane, who doesn't want to go to the hospital .

he eventually compromises on going to the trainers' room to get looked at .

treating it like a mafia gunshot wound .

cut back to tom and jbl like all due respect shane get help you fucking moron .

and cut to the locker room, where curt hawkins and the usos shout at aj .

and he gets his coat and leaves .

only to be waylaid by an angry daniel bryan .

and some police .

and bryan has finally snapped and fired aj .

whiiiiiich i can't see lasting .

cut to ads, then back to MORE FUCKING RECAPS of the same thing .

i hear they do wrestling on this show .

jbl is criticising the business sense of firing aj right before mania .

which is fair .

but now, let's get some mojo rawley all up in this .

and recap video of dolph talking shit at him last week .

oh yeah, this is the bit where we are all required to pretend to give a shit about the ATGMBR .

fuck typing out the full name every time frankly .

pause for an ad spot for the jetsons film .

tom with an air of i can't believe i'm being paid to talk about this crap .

and the match begins .

mojo takes a moment to weirdly rub his pecs before punching dolph .

followed by a picture-perfect fallaway slam .

so dolph goes over to shout at jbl instead .

mojo drags him into the ring by his shitty topknot .

so at least that made him take it out .

some good has come of this segment .

mojo keeps throwing dolph over the ropes to make a point .

cos they're gonna be in a thing .

or so they tell me .

so eventually dolph just goes bugger this and walks out for the countout .

this is the most unfocused episode of smackdown i've ever seen, and that's saying a lot .

segment ends, again with no words .

and hey, yet more recaps of the aj situation .

including video from the weirdly convenient camera inside the car shane's head went into .

aaaaaand there goes that last shred of suspension of disbelief .

let's have a galaxy quest or possibly hall of fame segment .

reiterating the warrior award thing .

finally they tell me where we are for this .

go steelers .

(see, i remembered that) .

cut to neville advertising 205 by saying how he's going to murder his subjects .

but now, here comes randy to do something and probably make a snake pun .

and/or stare vacantly into the middle distance .

man's multitalented .

gets on the turnbuckle, refuses to do the pretty until the crowd pop enough .

and the new #1 contender for the divas' championship... .

oh hey, he's kicking off with an extended snake metaphor .

who the fuck could have seen that coming .

randy helpfully explains how this was his dastardly plan all along .

just in case there was too much subtlety in this storyline for you .

really extensive rationalisation for BURNING A MAN'S FUCKING HOUSE DOWN here .

and also desecrating a church .

and burning the devil's sister .

all of these are maybe not things you should be boasting about .

hate to break it to you, randy, but he who fights monsters etc. etc. .

apparently at mania he's going to take everything from bray .

which i thought he might have accomplished when he, yknow, BURNT HIS FUCKING HOUSE DOWN .

wyatt cut, and bray is in a smoky void .

apparently abigail is still fine while her disciples live on .

good to know

so she has bestowed all her power to bray, who's now totally unfettered by wordly things like barns and chairs .

and now he's anointing himself with the burnt earth of abigail's grave .

if this was anyone else, this might seem unusual .

does the follow the buzzards pose, screams to the heavens, wyatt cut, end segment .

up next, alpha/usos, with nobody talking over the graphic that says so .

so i'm forced to assume bray ripped tom and jbl's souls from their bodies during that cut .

cut back to the arena, everyone in pittsburgh is dead .

or a snickers advert .

that's good too .

aww, jbl's fine .

but now we're talking about dean/baron, apparently .

fuck this editing, seriously .

up next but NOW but first but before that but NOW .

recap of the forklift situation last week .

and cut to baron, who's actually inside for once .

dasha turns up to ask if he crossed a line .

baron's like fuck you dasha i don't believe in lines you're not my real mum .

i'mma go fuck up dean ambrose some more and walks off .

tom can apparently guarantee a medical update on shane immediately after this next match .

which makes no logical sense whatsoever, but w/e .

in any case, here are jordan and gable .

who haven't had enough time to talk lately

i miss them being adorable dorks/the best boyfriends on nxt .

and here are the usos, being thug af .

although their hoodies are claiming they're in fivestar .

weirdest tribute band ever .

the match starts, jey takes off his shirt because a) we need to be able to tell them apart and b) fuck that guy, he should be grateful he gets to have trousers .

cut away mid-match to people walking a staggering shane through the corridors and trying to convince him to go to the hospital .

well, that was totally worth taking up 75% of the screen with .

the match is mostly just the usos being dicks and alpha trying to sell them as legitimate competitors .

latest update: shane is still refusing to go to the hospital, because read the first word after the colon again .

loooooooong rest hold section .

do a thing, jimmy .

jordan tries to get up, jimmy slams him back down and resumes the long-ass headlock .

more exciting video of shane walking around while semi-conscious .

dramatically turns back towards the arena .

apparently he's heading for the ring .

meanwhile in the actual sodding match, chad has tagged in and resumed his quest to suplex the entire world .

in his heart's deepest dreams, chad gable suplexes the sun .

jimmy knocks chad out of the setup for that electric chair bulldog, then superkicks jason so jey falls on top of him for the pin .

holy shit, jey uso won a match .

mark your calendars .

cut to shane, who's made it to the cntrol room and found a mic, despite everybody's protests .

comes out onto the stage, says he'll fight aj at mania, end of the show .

i get that they were trying to make that look all organic and shooty and cool, but...sigh. .

that episode was really weird, and it's not giving me great hopes for the blue side of mania .

in any case, cynicism aside, i am now only 11 days behind, with 6 days until mania weekend .

bring it the fuck on

#WWE #wwe smackdown #WWE Raw

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