#sankt ivan of the many glares

[qqueenofhades]

Why hello my dear lady, this is a completely random person you DEFINITELY DON'T KNOW, I was wondering if perhaps you might have some SAB fic recommendations? Perhaps something recently updated and in progress by some jolly handsome and interesting west coast nerd who's probably bugging you on WhatsApp as we speak?

/squints

WHY HELLO, CHARMING AND JOLLY GENTLEMAN WHO IS DEFINITELY NOT @silverbirching, NO SIR

Why what is this? SHADOW AND BONE FIC RECOMMENDATIONS, YOU SAY?

Love is War (and War is Hell)!

It has EVERYTHING:

Half-dead Ivan on the couch, furiously irritated that Jesper is doggedly befriending him and won't stop? CHECK!

Absolutely FUCKING HILARIOUS Jesper narration? CHECK!

Makes show!Wylan into an actually interesting character? CHECK!

Badass Nina who is Also Going Through Things and giving us all the Feelings? CHECK!

Is Ivan in any way whatsoever Foster Father Shaped? NO. HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT! CALUMNY? CHECK!

ANYANWU! I say no more??! CHECK!

Kaz and Ivan having a whole conversation through silent furious glares and mutual disdain for Jesper? CHECK!

IVAN AND JESPER BUDDY COP SHENANIGANS WHICH ARE GOING TO BE AMAZING?!?!?! CHECK!!!

Does this sound like it was written just for me, you say?

Well it kinda was but

(I got 99 problems/visits of this fic but the fic ain't one etc)

READ IT READ IT READ IT IT'S SO GOOD IT'S LITERALLY A GIANT CHOCOLATE CAKE OF EVERYTHING I WANT IN THE WORLD

YELL AT SAM

INDUCE HIM TO UPDATE MORE

I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THIS OR ANYTHING

I MEAN WHAT

[qqueenofhades]

NEW PROFILE PIC IVAN MY BELOVED!! I LOVE IT

YES YES YES. SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED HIS GRUMPY JUDGMENTAL GAY FACE STARING AT YOU ALL DAY, YKNOW? WHAT A MORON. ACTUAL LOVE OF MY LIFE.

(I was making the icon yesterday like "he's so fucking stupid. He's such a loser. I love him so much.")

[qqueenofhades]

NOW IN FIC FORM, GOD BLESS

my bestie silverbirch has fulfilled the need of the people (it's me, I'm the people) for angry half-dead Ivan on the couch, plotting to murder Jesper but being surprisingly polite to Wylan, the people said amen

I do want Fivan to be trapped in the Ice Court for the Angst and also so the Crows can rescue them in s3, but this is also because I DESPERATELY need the Ivan/Jesper foetp to continue, like SO BAD

Hence why I'm sad that we can't technically, s2-canonically have Ivan, completely torn to pieces, stumbling into Ketterdam half-dead and swearing vengeance, absolutely mad with VENGEANCE, I WILL KILL THAT ZEMENI DURAST IF IT IS THE LAST THING I DO

Jesper: /taps him lightly on the shoulder

Ivan: /falls over

Jesper: aww man now I feel bad

Jesper: /carries Ivan home and puts him on the couch

Wylan: Excuse me. Excuse me who is that. He keeps muttering about killing you

Jesper: Yes but he's very bad at it

Ivan, still muttering: MURDER.... VENGEANCE.... MURDER

Jesper, fondly: we're bonding!

Wylan: We have. A very large scowling unconscious murderer on our couch.

Jesper: Yes.

Ivan: /wakes up, leaps off couch, sees Jesper

Ivan: MURDER!!!!

Ivan: /falls over because he is still like 75% dead

Jesper: you're awake! Breakfast?

Ivan:

Ivan:

Ivan: fine.

Ivan: THEN MURDER!!!

[qqueenofhades]

real talk but something about ivan’s little shittyness as a vampire is very sexy 👀

Lmaooo. But okay. Look:

We have presently pledged our fictional devotion to a man with the social skills of a potted cactus, who openly hates everyone who is not his husband, spends his time (when not glowering in the background) grumping away at the heroine, and got yeeted off a skiff into the Sarlacc... uh Shadow Fold because he offed a bunch of politicians on the orders of his evil boss. So. Considering all that. Truly, truly is it such a surprise that we love it when he finds ways to be Even More of a Curmudgeon than usual?

I'm just saying. Oh Ivan, you feral wet cat that Fedyor discovered on his stoop and decided to adopt one day. You're the world's crankiest total idiot and we love you.

[qqueenofhades]

The bit about Sankt Ivan of the Many Glares makes me think of that "child crying on the bus" alignment chart for some reason and imo he's firmly in the "is the reason they're crying" box (he looked at the child). Fedyor is making funny faces to make them stop crying

...okay but you said "Sankt Ivan of the Many Glares" I swear my hand slipped I don't know what happened I --

It's beautiful?

[qqueenofhades]

i want you to know that im doing a SAB rewatch and every time I see Ivan in the background glaring, I think of that one post of yours and just cackle because wow he is so grumpy???? But somehow Simon Sears (who is a gift) conveys so much through the side eye glares (like they’re different).

And some of the actors have been like, “Yea Ivan is such a mean character” and im like, “ah yes, but i LOVE him. he is mine now. I will pat his grumpy head.”

I mean, YES. I answered this ask a few days ago analysing how, as I put it, “Every scene with Ivan is truly just “8 Different Grumpy Faces You Didn’t Know One Guy Could Make! Number 6 May Shock You!” Becase while some amateurs might have only one grumpy face, Ivan is a master of finely tailored grumpy faces for all situations." And then went on to list them, because THEY ARE ALL DIFFERENT and if you watch the season focusing on literally nothing but Ivan's face and his reaction to things, you will NOT be disappointed. It's amazing.

(Also, as you may have seen, my hand slipped and I made an actual Orthodox icon for Sankt Ivan of the Many Glares. Oops?)

Everyone: Ivan is so grumpy/mean!

Fedyor/Us: Ah yes, but you don't have all the facts.

Everyone: Which are...?

Fedyor/Us: We love him.

Because, like. The only time you see the guy be anything other than grumpy all season is when Fedyor gets shot, and when Fedyor is feeding him a pink cookie. And if you don't think that is 100% our general gay weakness.... well, you're wrong, because it totally is.

Also, Simon Sears is one hundred percent a gift, both for mastering the complex gradations of Ivan Grumpy Face, and for being a huge goofball and sweetheart offscreen who enjoys a) dancing, b) cuddling with Julian Kostov, and c) reigning as King and Co-Emperor of the SS Heartrender Husbands. We thank him for his service.

[qqueenofhades]

All hail @qqueenofhades , high priestess of Sankt Ivan of the Many Glares, who feeds the starving masses stories of Ivan the Terrible at Dating and his sunshine love.

/bows

As ever, I aim to please.

And I really do have to laugh, because I asked for prompts and the tumblr masses came charging in yelling FIVAN. Don't get me wrong, there were requests for other pairings too (and I'm trying to be somewhat balanced in the amount that I write for various ships) but yes. The people know what they want, the people are Hungry, and here we are. Alas?