#same goes here if creators uncomfortable ill take it down

[howlingmod]

Allusive

summary - Lampert has a circuitry problem. You help him. You're both normal about it.

wc - 3.2k

misc - crossposted from ao3 , ignore how ooc this is i was very tired and didn't want to check the wiki a bunch ..

“You want me to what?”

If you were any less shell-shocked, you probably could’ve come up with a better response. A ‘Oh, could you run that by me one more time, my dearest of dear friends?’ or ‘Would you mind repeating that? I just need to make certain I heard you right,’ was the next thing on your tongue, for sure.

“Listen, you don’t have to if you don’t want to– I can figure it out, find someone else to. I just figured I should ask and see if you’d be willing before I looked somewhere else and-” Lampert started to ramble, making vague gestures with his hands as his words all stumbled over one another in their rush to get out.

“Dude, just gimmie a second,” you cut them off, half-muffled behind the hands trying to rub some coherency into you, “I never said no, I just … wasn’t really expecting that.” ‘Wasn’t really,’ was an overstatement. Maybe even more than an overstatement, more like a huge-massive-hyper-statement, in your opinion. This was about the last thing you’d expected Lampert to be asking for at the early hours of your shift. There was no, ‘Where’s your replacement cables?’ or ‘When was the last time you guys dusted?’ Sure, you didn’t hate some surprises on your shift, it kept the day interesting, after all, but this was an entirely different kind of surprise.

“I mean, like,” you started hesitantly, only now dropping your hands back to the counter with averted eyes, “I could give it a try but, I’m not really an electrician or anything. I mean, I know how to fix some stuff but I don’t really work on uh …” You made a fluttery, trailing motion with your hand.

“Sentient light-fixtures?”

“Yeah. Yeah that’s uh, that’s a little out of my usual work.”

“I assumed as much, but it’s not like I’m just gonna tell you to ‘figure it out,’ and have you dig around in me,” Lampert laughed, some short little exhale that tugged at your heartstrings. You were surprised he was being so lighthearted about this, but you were also surprised he’d asked you in the first place, so maybe you were just thoroughly mistaken on your assesment of your friend.

You stammered for a few moments, struggling to find the words. Part of you wanted to just throw caution to the wind, to say yes. You might not be a surgeon, but you’re also a lot more familiar with electrical parts than you are organs. Another part of you said throwing caution to the wind when ‘caution’ was ‘I don’t want to destroy my friend’s body,’ was a very stupid thing to be thinking. “I get that, I just … Do you really trust me with this, man?” Your hands were digging into your head now, physically holding yourself together.

He paused for a moment at that, taking a breath. While, normally, this sort of hesitation would be enough for you to instantly call it off, you knew to give it a little longer. Well-spoken as he was, you’d talked with Lampert long enough to know that converting genuine, sincere thoughts to words could be hard for him.

“I’d say so, yeah,” he’d shrugged, hand coming up to fidget with his pull switch, “I’ve known you for … however long now, and it’s not like you’re a total newbie to this sort of thing.”

You sucked in air through your teeth, eyes unfocusing as you thought this over one more time. On one hand, you wanted to help your friend out and you knew you’d bend over backwards for him. On the other, you really weren’t sure you wanted to risk pulling the wrong wire the wrong way and frying him. You’d spared him a glance, meeting his awaiting gaze for only a few seconds. You knew you could say no, that he’d assure you it was fine and then find someone else. The problem was, you didn’t really want to tell him no. A sigh scratched its way out of your throat as you squeezed your eyes shut.

“Ok.”

“Really?” He’d perked up at your response, chain left swinging as he let go of it in surprise.

“Yeah, I’ll give it a go,” you muttered, “But you have to promise me you’ll help me out, I usually don’t have to worry about hurting people’s radios or anything.”

“Yeah! Of course, don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

A comfortable silence fell over the two of you, Lampert smiling to himself while you worked on clearing your head. You still weren’t totally sure about this, anxiety weighing heavy on your back, but you wanted to try. It’d save him some time and energy (and money, probably), and it’d give you an excuse to hang out with him for a while. You were lucky nobody had come in while you two were talking, you weren’t sure you’d be able to differentiate a one and a one hundred dollar bill in your daze. The dim overhead lighting kept buzzing and an incoherent ad played over the store radio.

You’d watched in silence as Lampert stuck a finger out to trace over part of the countertop, leaving a fingerprint behind in the dust. He grimaced.

“You really touched your face after putting your hands on this?-”

“Oh my god dude I do not get paid to clean this place.”

This suddenly felt like your first time ever stepping foot into your own apartment. Your space felt barren, like someone had been slowly robbing you for the past decade until all you had was their leftover blankets and pillows. You’d done your best to make a comfortable enough mattress out of your sheets, but it still felt like you’d just thrown Lampert onto a pile of rocks and told him to get comfy.

“Fuck, umm … I might have some more blankets under my bed or something,” you thought aloud, worrying the inside of your lip between your canines while trying to catalog every forgotten shirt or notebook you’d crammed under your bedframe.

You had your back turned to Lampert, who quietly watched you devolve into a pacing mess on the floor. Truthfully, he stopped feeling the hardwood about 15 minutes ago, but never found a good spot to interject with that info.

“I really don’t think that’s necessary,” he hummed, watching for the slightest of shifts in the tension of your shoulders. You’d never been bad on the eyes, but this seemed to be a particularly ethereal look on you, despite the way you’d slowly gotten more disheveled and still had yet to get out of your work uniform. He couldn’t really tell what it was, he’d been over to your apartment enough you’d told him where you kept your spare key, and he’d seen you in your uniform just about every day in all states of distress.

You finally shot him a look over your shoulder, frantic gaze meeting his own relaxed one before darting away again. Your shoulders lowered a little, fidgeting in place for a few moments before you’d finally turned around to face him.

“You sure there’s nothing I can get you? It’s no trouble,” You’d asked for the third time, grabbing at the back of your neck.

“Well, you could maybe help me with this wire thing I’ve got going on, I might’ve told you about it before.”

That’d gotten a short laugh out of you, more an exhale with a brief, flashed grin than anything. “Yeah, alright, man.” Despite the snark, you’d kneeled down by his side, hands sitting by your side. “So how do I uhh …”

“Oh! Let me just …” Lampert mumbles, unbuttoning his shirt to open himself up. Instinctively, you’d turned away, busying your eyes on some uneven paint on the wall. You knew there wasn’t any real reason to be shy, there wasn’t exactly anything there, but it felt more polite to do than not. You wondered if you should’ve put music on, the thudding of your heart in your ears was starting to feel migraine inducing. No, it probably would’ve been distracting, it was for the better you didn’t. Probably.

You waited for a few more moments of shuffling, “Alright, this should work fine.”

You’d looked back at him then, already scripting some conversation that ended up going unwritten and unspoken once you’d processed the scene. It wasn’t anything you hadn’t seen before, technically speaking, but it carried a different weight here. The light from across the room barely glinted off the collage of wires neatly lining his insides, a sea of blacks and greys in his chest. You could make out parts of a metal framework, only a little more complex than a skeleton, interestingly enough. You supposed it made sense, given his relatively humanoid body. It allowed his skin to move freely in some places, more akin to the way yours would in the soft of your forarm or the curve of your stomach. Something like a chestplate, the outermost layers of his torso were sitting beside him, resting delicately on his discarded shirt. Whoever made him should be proud.

“You ok?” Lampert suddenly spoke up, concern clear in his voice.

“OH,” you started, “Yeah, yeah. Sorry, got a little lost in thought.”

“You sure? It’s ok if you changed your mind, I know it’s a little weird,” he’d reassured, struggling on the last few words. Admittedly, he was nervous. He didn’t know why, this wasn’t fear of something going wrong, but more about how you felt about all of this. Sure, he didn’t have any reason to believe you saw him as some freak of nature, but something was nagging him to cover back up. It felt vulnerable in an entirely different way to show you everything like this, to be so unforgettably other to you.

You shook your head, reaching out to rest your hands on him. He tensed up at the touch, freezing to watch for your next move. “Nah, I’m all good, promise, but uh … I don’t really see the issue. Everything looks pretty well kept.”

“Oh, yeah, the top part should be fine,” Lampert explained as he pointed to the topmost layer of wires, feeling more relaxed with the near clinical conversation, “I’m usually able to handle tidying everything back up every now and then just fine. It’s just that I’ve got this knot at the very back I can’t get to.”

You made a little noise at that, staring down at his chest with thought. While you were busy making a mental map of how to go about this, he took the opportunity to study his surroundings a little more. He’d been here plenty of times, but something always seemed to be added or moved around every time he came over. Usually, it wasn’t anything huge, and if it was you tended to make it a point of conversation, playing it up like a grand unveiling. The changes all felt natural, a physical show of changing times. You had a few photos along the wall, mostly of some of your friends you’d introduced him to before.

He can’t quite remember how you’d roped him into it, but he had a feeling you made some kind of bet or favor. That tended to be the case. He does, however, remember a lot of the night after that. Namely, he remembers you making some sweeping, grand gesture with your hands when you introduced him, like you’d just thrown a grade-A celebrity in front of your friends. He remembers one of your friends telling him it was nice to meet the guy you’d been talking about so much, fully sincere in their words. He remembers ending up sleeping on your couch, too tired to walk back home that night, while you took to sleeping on the floor right beside it, insisting it was just like a sleepover. He also remembers almost stepping on you in the morning, but that’s neither here nor there.

He can’t help the smile that crawls onto his face at the memory, all the stupid little things you’d done for him that night and the dumb jokes you made that got snickers out of him without fail. Something flutters in his chest, hands readjusting idly on his lap with some spark of pent up energy.

“Lampert.”

He snaps to attention at that, head whipping over to look at you. You’re fixing him with some odd, wide-eyed stare, lips set in a thin line.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Dude, you cannot just go all still and quiet on me like that. I was so sure I like, ripped something.”

“Wh- I was smiling! Why would I be smiling if I was hurt?”

“I don’t know!” You retorted, hands giving a stifled jerk in his chest, carefully carded through the wires. If it weren’t for not wanting to really rip something this time, you would’ve thrown your hands up in the air to really show him what exasperated looked like, he was sure of it. “Maybe you just got stuck like that?”

“’Maybe I just got stuck like-’ Oh, whatever. I’m fine, thank you for checking in,” Lampert sighed, looking back up at the ceiling. You just stuck your tongue out in response. He felt a little more aware of what was actually going on in the present, now, able to pick out the feeling of your fingers gently pushing cord after cord aside. His ability to feel things was significantly less expansive than yours was, but he could feel the dull warmth of your skin brushing up against cold metal, a foggy pressure on his frame.

He envied your heightened sensitivity at times, how you’d differentiate velvet from satin or comment on how soft something was. You’d try describing it to him sometimes, usually devolving into incoherent, if not poetic, rambles that went nowhere and left him with a very abstract idea of how silk felt. Some night where you’d both been out of it and desperate for some connection to someone, you’d traced his skin and called it smooth, and then you’d carefully touched the side of his head and said it reminded you of linen. He could understand smooth, could imagine how the visual translated to the physical, but linen was different. You’d stumbled your words for a few moments, starting and restarting multiple times over. Eventually you said linen usually felt scratchy, but got softer over time. Part of him wanted to feel insulted about the ‘scratchy’ bit, ignoring the connotations he knew from how you used it to describe texture that it usually wasn’t pleasant, but he couldn’t find the irritation at the time. He was too tired, too busy thinking about why you included how linen got softer with time, too busy thinking about how that related to him, what you were trying to tell him. In the end, he was mostly just too tired, and ended up falling asleep and forgetting about it in the morning.

He could feel you digging deeper into him now, leaning further over him to better reach without putting too much strain on other wires.

“Tell me if I’m pushing too hard,” you murmur, carefully parting the layers of copper and plastic to look for the tangled wires. “Mm, actually, can you hold that for a sec? I think I need a flashlight.”

“Oh, yeah,” Lampert hummed in response, quickly replacing your hands in himself. It was an odd angle, putting a little more strain on his arms than comfortable. As he’d moved to replace your hands, he’d brushed them briefly, registering that warmth again. He couldn’t tell what your skin felt like, if it was rough and scratchy or smooth and soft, but he could uniquely identify just how hot your hands felt against his.

It was the one sense he seemed to trump you in, given how your perception of it was limited to your body temperature. You’d be burning something awful and he’d have to tell you to lay back down, since, according to your temperature sensitivity, you were perfectly average. It made sense, you’d often make jokes about not knowing how he didn’t feel too hot whenever his light was on too long, referencing how you’d burned yourself on a light when you were younger. In the moment though, he was usually too baffled by how you’d managed such an injury to think about it. You’d complain sometimes about your hands being cold in the winter, tucking them into the sides of your neck for warmth, but he rarely ever picked up on it. Though, in fairness, you’d usually jolt in surprise when you felt how cold his hands were after being outside, a clear result of metal’s ambient temperature. No matter what you thought, you always seemed to be radiating heat, and he’d always be leeching off of it while you two sat together for some bad hallmark movie.

“There!” You blurted out, finally locating the bundle of wires bunched together among the ocean of identical strings. “It doesn’t look that bad, actually. Shouldn’t take me long,” you hummed, more to yourself than anything. You set your flashlight aside, leaning closer to his body to get a better handle on him.

As you started to delicately pry every last cable apart from one another, Lampert turned to studying you again. There was a light a little ways behind your head, leaving your face obscured in a shadow while it cast a halo around your form. He imagined you were probably fixing him with some intent look, tongue partway sticking out to focus on the knot, the same way you tended to whenever you handled someone else’s electronics. He didn’t stick around for too long whenever you were working, it didn’t look great for you if you were talking to someone for too long on your shift, so he tended to dip out after a minute or two. Sometimes, though, he’d end up talking to you about something he’d seen walking around that day while you were fixing something up. He admired how careful you could be with things as fragile as decades old circuitboards and crumbling watches, how much effort you put into making sure things didn’t get damaged any further.

That was probably part of why he’d asked you to help him with this, you were by all means technically skilled, no doubt about it. But maybe he also chose to ask you because he trusted you, beyond your skill. Asked you because he knew, on some intrinsic level, that you were someone who he could rely on. He’d done it in plenty of other regards, trusted you in moments where everything felt so disjointed and nonsensical like you were the only logical thing in the world. Without asking, you’d offered him friendship and understanding at every turn, given him a shoulder to lean on before he’d ever mentioned needing one. You’d given him your heart, and, in some way, he’d given you his.

The cables slipped back into place, the dull, constant aching in his back finally receding. You were grinning, pulling back out of his vision with some comment on how you’d been expecting worse. He hummed in response, not entirely hearing what you said, still lost in his thoughts. He followed you blearily as you got up, stretching your arms far over your head, starting into a conversation about if he wanted to do anything else while he was here, offering up a few suggestions that he didn’t catch. His hands found their place on his lap again, readjusting twice before he felt settled enough to answer.

“Can I tell you something?”

[thedevilliers]

Hey, I've been reading your story for a while, and I'm enjoying it very much. Following the De Villiers has been so fun, and you've inspired me to create my own royal Simblr!

Can you maybe share some tips about what to do with your royals? I'll be posting my family within the next few weeks, and I have already planned out several engagements + events, including visits to parks/schools/hospitals, parties, and news surrounding a royal pregnancy. I've also planned out the first arc. I don't know what else to do, and I've barely started! If you have any tips related to the beginning of your Simblr that you didn't cover in your other post, I would so appreciate them. I want to get all this nailed down *before* posting, so my blog is the best that it can be.

Also, if you have any advice on how to make things as efficient as possible (especially regarding posing sims, editing/writing posts, etc.), I would love that! I want to cut down on time wasted wherever I can.

Thank you!! :-)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 me?!!?!?! ME ??????? omg 🧍‍♀️ thank u for reading my story 🥺 and AAAAAAAAAAAA your own royal simblr !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ill answer everythin under the cut !!!!! spoilers: it got long sorry

first of all, remember we ALL started somewhere. you can look at my first like... fifteen and even MORE posts and they are BAD. oh my gawd idk why i thought they were good, but hey! i learned things from them. you will more than likely change your mind about certain things from the beginning of your blog to who knows, four months from now. don’t focus and worry a lot on ‘perfection’ and setting up ‘high standards’ from the beginning. treat it like a learning curve! this is something we all do for fun, so don’t get stressed a lot on it. you can always change and adapt things and that’s no problem!

i love lists, so im gonna list a few things of advice/tips basing myself on what you said!!!

i personally don't do engagements anymore, so i can't really help you in this regard of even more activities you could do 🧍‍♀️ what i could recommend for people to get to know your characters' personalities and private lives and grow attached to them, add in BTS posts.

continuing on my BTS’ post thing, they are a GREAT way to show more than what the public sees for your royals. because from a press and public point of view, you don't really know 'what goes on behind closed doors'. they could be all happy in public, but in privatE??!??!!?!?

as i said in my starting out guide, i did have around ~15 drafts done before i started posting. just so i could not stress about “oh my god i dont have any posts for tomorrow”. a LOT of ppl do posts and queue them as they go, and they have MANY posts done and usually they start accumulating and they are MONTHS in advance compared to what they’re currently posting. if this method works for you, you can definitely use it!

please, please please read your dialogue OUT loud. is it possible to say a 2093023902 word sentence without a singular use of punctuation? do people in this age and era really talk this way? also please if possible use correct grammar. just a little pet peeve, it can take a reader out of the immersion your story gives them.

we all have our lil dialogue habits. mine is starting sentences with “oh” and the infamous dash “—”. others use ellipses. just make sure you aren’t overdoing it. for example, doing a sentence like “oh— there you are. i was uhm— looking for you. how—how are you? its—i mean where have you uhm— been? yes—ive—ive been fine. you? i mean— your mom” ....just no 😔 it doesnt read well at ALL

you can always do lil filler posts, dont tell anyone tell you otherwise. post a little simstagram post, a little family portrait, updated portraits post, family hanging out, kids hanging out, etc.

for posing sims, i do try and remember where MOST of my poses are in the ingame list. usually creators’ correctly naming the poses helps a lot. for example i need a Mel Bennet pose; hers are usually ALL in the same spot and have the same lil aqua bg so i can easily find them. sometimes, i dl pose packs VERY specifically for a certain scene. am i gonna use them again? no. so i open the .package file in sims4studio and rename them to “00 for emi scene [rest of the og name” so when i open my game, they are around the top of the list! no more scrolling and i easily know what i need it for.

dont be scared to plan things that are happening MONTHS from now or anything in detail. some ppl dont like planning things in detail, or even dont like planning things AT ALL or things that arent happening say, in over 2 weeks because idk, they get bored. i recommend at LEAST having a list of things that HAVE to happen so you have ‘goals’ and you slowly plan out how you’re gonna get there. at LEAST theres some level of planning there. if you’re posting and PLANNING as you go, there’s gonna be holes. and it’s gonna be obvious.

editing wise, i don’t do much. my reshade does most of the work, i just add in my psd, add text and done! this is easily the fastest thing you will ever do.

if you get inspired by someone else doing, idk, a certain layout for the portraits, them adding little things to their captions, a certain edit, etc. if you want to do something similar and you ARE very much aware you were inspired by them, credit them in the caption. i beg. its free, its the nice thing to do, bc if not its rude.

if you get inspired by a certain storyline someone else did and you notice yours is gonna be similar, go ahead and send them a message to let them know and if they have any tips or feel uncomfortable with you doing this. simply put, if you don’t, you’re gonna look bad. we are all bound to do same storylines, such as assassinations, shooty shooty’s, stalkers, first loves, accidental babies, etc. but what changes is how each person approaches it. no ones gonna do it the same way as you and others. if you CONSCIOUSLY start copying else, stop it. and you could even be unconsciously be inspired by someone else too. it happens! just make sure you are able to look at the bigger picture and realize “hey, i’m doing something wrong”

same thing with dialogue. you like a line someone else said in their story? don’t just... steal it and incorporate it into yours word BY WORD

OVERALL: you can be inspired. give credit where it’s due. and don’t copy because someone else is doing ‘something others like’ and you want others to like your story. no no no !

im adding this AFTER i posted it but, be yourself. in the way you interact with others and send questions, etc. don’t try and copy someone else’s personality because they are liked and essentially absorb them. be yourself and i’m sure a lot of ppl will like you the way you are : D

for my writing dialogue etc, this goes back to my point 8. i use milanote, its free and you get 200 free thingies to use, and i plan out how every single one of my posts is gonna go. so i just have to go ingame and i already know what im gonna do. no thoughts, just taking screenshots. for example, this is how a part of my part 2, chapter 3 posts layout looks like. every square is a post that has what is happening, who is in it, what is gonna be said very vaguely, etc:

11. and the most important tip! don’t compare yourself to others. i did it at the beginning. i think we all did at one point. its not good for you at all. please always remember we all are here for share our lil stories with each other and it’s not easy get a following. you’ll get there and its gonna take time. be patient, be nice!!! and i cant wait to see your story!!!!!!!!!!

[throwitawayokay]

Predators around every corner

This is confusing. A lot of your favorite fandom creators, out of nowhere, are being accused of endangering minors and others for making nsfw content or following/being-friends-with people who do; that is a serious claim, and a frightening one, and no one would say such a thing if they weren’t 100% sure they were correct about it, right? After all, to say something about someone is an awful thing to say, and needs proof and reason, or else it is libel and grounds for a defamation lawsuit and would, morally, be an absolutely terrible thing to accuse a person of if it was not true.

Obviously, they must have reason. Obviously, these accusations are founded and must eventually prove to be true, even if they cannot now, or maybe they can, maybe the accusations would hold up in a court of law, but for some reason the same people making these accusations... won’t come out directly and accuse these people and don’t have any evidence besides what they ‘think’ this other person is thinking.

Someone has made an argument, somewhere, that writing nsfw of aged up minor characters in atla is predatory behavior and endangering to minors. Is it?

1. Is it legal?

   Easy answer, yes. It’s legal. By definition it is smut of adult characters, regardless of where it originates. None of it is on tumblr, where it would not be allowed, but instead on a web site where it is clearly tagged and behind an age limit. In fact, this argument would be laughed out of court. Because no law is protecting the nsfw depictions of fictional characters, who are not real, regardless of age, besides potentially copyright.

If the stories are about underage fictional characters? It still, at least by USofA law, still not illegal. Yes. That’s correct. Stories depicting underage fictional characters in sexual situations does not follow under the definition of child porn and is allowed in publication and law. To see proof of that, besides reading the actual law which you are free to do, simply note the fact that Stephen King’s It is not only still in print but recently had two film adaptations.

So that, would in fact, be allowed; however what is being called into question is depicting adult fictional characters in nsfw situations. A completely different thing that is, actually, very different from the other. But, to simply answer the question of legality, it’s all legal.

2. When is it endangering to minors?

   This content can, in fact, be endangering to minors when they are exposed to it either without warning, in a search, or if they are sent this content by another person. Ways that this could happen are if nsfw images appear google searches (where such content can be reported and taken down) or if nsfw writing is not properly tagged or accompanied by archive warnings (posted on ffnet for example or not properly rated on ao3). If this is happening, it is a good idea to go to the website to report it properly, or have someone contact the artist/author about the lack of tagging - the content itself is irregardless, the problem that exists here is the lack of warning.

Nsfw art is also not allowed by the tumblr guidelines; feel free to report it if seen. Please, however, take a step back to remember than an image of a person in their underwear is not, in fact, pornography. If you’ve ever walked past a billboard for a clothing company or seen a Victoria’s Secret catalogue you should know this. There is, in fact, an actual parameter for what sets apart sfw and nsfw.

If this content, however, has been properly tagged and is behind a proper age limit, with warnings and the like, it is not endangering toward minors. Clicking on a nsfw art or writing with clear warnings for what it is does not make the creator of that content responsible; a porn star is not responsible for endangering minors if a minor answers falsely to a website agreement stating they are 18 and views their content. The responsibility lies with the minor as well as the guardians of that minor for not teaching them how to responsibly search the internet and recognize what they should or should not be viewing.

If you are not mature enough to recognize this, you should not be online.

3. But I disagree?

   You are within your rights to have a difference of opinion or feel uncomfortable if a person posts links to their nsfw content, or mentions that they make nsfw content. In fact, nsfw content makes many people uncomfortable. There are many ways to avoid seeing this.

First, go to the filter on your blog and filter all nsfw related tags you can think of, some starting points I would suggest are: nsfw, nsfw tw, nsfw mention, adult content, adult content tw, adult content mention (feel free to keep going, be as thorough as makes you comfortable). Next, block the blogs you do not personally like; feel free to block as many blogs, for any reason, that you like. This is absolutely fine and no explanation is needed. If you feel uncomfortable having your blog followed by any adults at all, you can also take steps to make the blog unsearchable and only follow as few people as you like.

What you should not do is harass people for making content that you personally do not like. This includes nsfw content. Making such incredibly serious claims as to state someone is a predator who endangers minors for making nsfw content in your fandom is unfounded, dangerous, and entirely irresponsible. Adults participating in this rhetoric need to take a very good look at themselves, and minors who have been experiencing anxiety as a result of this claim, I am very sorry.

4. What was the aunt-suki thing?

   Where did this whole thing start? No one was making this point only a few months ago, did it just pop up out of nowhere?

^ this blog, since deleted [also goes formerly by tumble-dump (nowlil-baby-man) as well as jetru(deleted) safe-for-atla, and dennis-quaid] spearheaded this opinion after accusing one of the largest creators in the fandom, an adult poc, of endangering minors for an image posted to tumblr with possible suggestive themes (Tumblr does not allow nsfw art, it was not nsfw). Aunt-Suki is a 23 year old, self-described “titanium white” woman. She stated directly that anyone who posted nsfw content behind age limit barriers was predatory and that nsfw artwork of atla characters was rampant on this website without evidence.

After curating a blocklist, and admittedly receiving hate for doing so (despite oddly enough asking for anon hate on several occasions) aunt-suki did in fact create a first draft blocklist including fandom creators who make nsfw content, who are follow or are friends with those who make nsfw content despite not doing it themselves, and people who specifically asked her to be on the blocklist. This, in itself, was fine. A list of creators making nsfw content could, in fact, be helpful and good for those who do not want to see such content to have a handy resource of who to block and avoid. Unfortunately, the rhetoric of “they are all predators” was something aunt-suki fostered and continued to repeat, getting a lot of people to also feel the same way. This invited harassment, much of which directly done and targeted at others by aunt-suki. She repeatedly stated on her blog ‘I am safe, no one else is unless I say so, in order to keep yourself safe you must ask me who is bad [paraphrase, not direct quote]’ insisting that anyone who wished to know who was a predator on the website had to privately DM her for the information. Aunt-Suki used this to gain followers of minors and to specifically foster friendships with them.

We know this because aunt-suki made a post exposing herself. An anon asked her to defend the way she interacted with minors and she defended herself with phrases such as “I love kids so much more than grown ups”[quote], stating she runs a server of 13+ wlw and they all “care a lot about each other”; she also admitted she takes it upon herself to “expose kids to [heavy topics]” including race, sexism, queer issues, mental health, politics, etc. Aunt-Suki is not a trained professional for these issues and admits in the same post that she does not understand there could be any difference in power dynamics between her and these teenagers.

In addition, while defending these close relationships with minors that she specifically admits to reaching out for, Aunt-Suki also divulged her past at 18 years old of saying the n-word (excused by explaining she has a black friend); saying that this is the reason why she should, as a 23 year old white adult, be allowed to discuss “heavy topics” with minors.

This most certainly calls into question the fact that it was, with one exception, non-white creators that aunt-suki chose to publicly call out by name.

After being asked to defend herself for these actions she admitted to, Aunt-Suki deleted her blog but has continued to go online on her others blogs and discords, dm’ing others and making posts accusing people who called her out of being predators, asking for sympathy, blaming her actions on her adhd, and refusing to answer any of the messages sent to her. Other large creators have made posts about this, very rarely using her name to allow her some anonymity or time to explain her actions which she has not done. She choose instead to send anonymous messages further accusing these creators.

5. Why did you tell me that?

   This directly illustrates the problem with presenting an issue such as nsfw art/writing in the fandom without pointing out why others might disagree with it; and jumping past logic to decry those who don’t agree with extremely serious accusations. Someone with actual ill (or misguided) attentions may take advantage, deliberately isolating minors and portraying themselves as ‘good and safe’ while slowly whittling down who the minors can and cannot follow until no one able to call them out when they are the one participating in actual behavior that is inappropriate to minors.

6. I still don’t agree with the first points.

   That’s fine. Please call out actual predators if you see them. Do not, however, do so without any evidence or for reasons that simply are not, and never would be, considered basis for doing so in any legal or reasonable capacity.

[dolly-decadatia]

Intention of the day-

This is so hard to pick out on days without a pressing need. Also, let’s take a minute to focus on the fact that I don’t have a pressing need. I’ve been in constant crisis mode for 3 decades. I was starting to calm down at the end of 2020 and then my health tanked and I went back into crisis mode. I had 1 single therapy appt recently. It was mostly a waste of time but the one relevant theory she had was that because I’d been in such unsafe situations my whole life, the possible reason I got sick recently was because my body finally “felt safe” to do so. Who knows? But yeah, being in crisis mode I always needed something so it would have been easier to set intentions then. I’m sitting here drawing a blank.

Fuck it. I’m going to set an intention based on my reading yesterday. I’m going to be kind to myself.

Incense: cedar (for confidence) however, I only have one brazier. I’ve got mandarin currant wax melting in the living room and I’m about to light frankincense on the actual order in a little while before I do my daily divination. Les Vampires like frankincense.

Candle: pink would be best, especially with sigil carved into the side and anointed with rose oil. (I don’t have any of that.)

Crystals: I have rhodochrosite and rose quartz (nurturing) and tigers eye (self esteem)

Perfume: rose oil

Flowers: roses and lavender

Color: pink

Food: almonds and chocolate are both good for self esteem and by coincidence they were both in my breakfast.

Affirmations: I love the person I becoming

Daily Divination :

Will I ever be beautiful

Underneath: transgression

Flaws, contradictions, mistakes

It’s all about self forgiveness. “Live better, do better, but let the self punishment go. ... Go now and make amends, then give thanks for self forgiveness.”

“Make amends. Take stock, asses, and redirect, and come back into harmony with the voice of your soul.”

This doesn’t appear to answer my question. Maybe all 3 will make sense together, or Les Vampires think this is what I should be worried about instead of my looks.

Heart: creator (inverted)

“...now you call them scientists and they merge cells, transform bodies, change peoples shapes, repair great injury, change destiny. sometimes, it is wonderful, and sometimes, it is most destructive.”

Is this about my weigh loss and plastic surgery obsession?

“Each day with your thoughts, actions, and decisions you create anew the form your natural energies and soul will take... you can recreate yourself”

This part seems like an answer. I’m recreating myself and I need to make sure I nurture this new being with nutritious thoughts and tend it with actions that will help them grow beautiful.

“You are the vessel through which new life and ideas are born... When we create a new one, they struggle and are often confused and in pain.”

Cursed: (because it was inverted) terrifying paragraph that kicked me straight in the tokophobia. May I learn today’s lesson quickly so I never have to read this terrifying bit again. I believe they’re saying raising this new version of me will require sacrifice and inconvenience and be frustrating and joyless at times but they used a triggering cis breeder metaphor to convey their point that I really could have lived without. Point taken. I will undertake this labor. I had already often thought that my transition was very much me suffering through an unknown amount of years and then “delivering” this beautiful peaceful man and happily dying. That man I was supposed to be was still born. Top surgery botched, looks decimated, sick from hrt which is massively unfair seeing as its safe for 99% of other trans people. He’s dead. I must stop mourning him and put all my loving attention on this next baby I’m nurturing. They are nonbinary and long for peace and beauty and community. How I nurture them now colors who they will be when they’re “born.”

Promise: primal

Connecting deep within, sacred dance, instinct

This is very gendered. Second very gendered card of the reading. I’m unsure if I want to continue to work with Les Vampires. We will see how tomorrow’s reading goes.

Anyway it talks about dancing. The thing that I love to do and am grieving not being able to do right now because of pain and illness. It calls dancing “feminine” which is absolutely ridiculous. This cis obsession with gendering inanimate objects and actions is juvenile and stupid. Makes it hard to suspend disbelief that I’m working with immortal wise vampires. Maybe the author put her own spin on what they told her. Still annoying to read.

My action to work with this card to to dance.

And that’s my future.

Dance.

On a question about “will I be beautiful.”

So how do these go together? I do carry a lot of guilt in my past that I beat myself up for. Is this why I’m not currently attractive? All the self abuse. It’s all taken a physical and mental toll? I don’t take care of myself so I’m physically ugly and I’m too busy ruminating on all my failings that my energy is also ugly? The card does make a bit more sense in context with the other 2.

So in the present, I need to let all that self loathing stay in the past and not feed that poison to my “baby”.

So what’s the future? I do what I need to do to be a responsible Sire and then fledgling me is healthy enough to dance and therefore the answer is “yes I will be beautiful”

Or

I leave the self hatred behind, nurture my fledgling and then fledgling me’s “beauty” is the beauty of dancing meaning “no, you won’t achieve physical beauty, but you will achieve a beautiful art form to offer the world.”

I feel uncomfortable. Today more than yesterday I feel the human author behind the guide deck. This is why I’m an atheist. Once holes appear I rip them bigger and look into them. This was why I couldn’t be Wiccan. I had the same problem pretending to talk to a Goddess as I did the Abrahamic God. I was much happier when I was a pop culture pagan because I could just do the LaVey school of “this is theatre because humans need ritual” with characters I was more attached to than deities. If they are all made up anyway, why do pick my faves? I may end up back in Pop Culture Paganism at the end of this journey. It’s too early to tell.

As an ex PCP I can say, ok maybe this is just a book but my belief makes Les Vampires real. Of course I’m spotting an undercurrent of bullshit. It runs through everything.

But still I’m shaken. I had found so much comfort in the concept of loving vampire guides yesterday and now doubt is setting in and my good mood is tanking. It’s going to take a lot of work to resuspend disbelief and try and feel that love again.

In the meantime I accept my task of forgiving myself and nurturing my fledgling .

Later on a thought occurred to me. Maybe all the gross prego talk was because Les Vampires are trying to dumb down the beautiful Sire/ fledgling relationship into terms a human would understand. The bulk of the target audience won’t understand them the way I do. Now I feel bad for having sulky, bratty energy in front of them. I’m going to make amends by forgiving myself like my Underneath card said and nurturing my fledgling like my Heart card said.

[icewindandboringhorror]

hmmm’st....Another group of replies since I’m trying to keep up with my inbox better this year !! (I know #3 is missing, I accidentally mislabeled them and skipped straight to 4 and don’t feel like re-editing the photos lol ) 

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1. “What would you recommend doing with a 1x1 ft square of tapestry-eqsue fabric ?” (question typed out in a shortened way/some words left out)

Hmm, I’m not really sure!  I always have problems with tiny squares of fabrics since I often like.. am in love with the colors or texture or pattern or etc, but at the same time it’s too small to actually serve as a really substantial part of the outfit lol, so I usually just use them in small ways for accents? Squares are really good for making collars out of, since you can just cut a hole in the middle and put your head through it and it’s done lol, but you can also tuck them into shirt collars or belts so they hang out a little and just serve as a pop of color or something. If you don’t mind cutting it, you could also turn it into little strips or change the shape, make it into a small pocket/bag, wrap pieces around the arm or tie it around boots as decor, tie the cut up buts together to make it into a longer piece of fabric then use that as a belt or sash or headband, etc. Idk, I have trouble with small fabric bits as well, but maybe some of these ideas help!!

(other answers under read more so it doesn’t get long)

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(note: sorry to everyone who's questions I had to shorten when re-typing them here, I hope I abbreviated them okay and didn't leave out anything you saw as very important! The full message is still shown in the images above and I just wanted to save myself a little time on the typing aaa!) 

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2. “Sorry this is random,  but you seem like a very nice and thoughtful person. Hope you have a happy new year”

Thank you!! I always try to include one or two of these nice ones in here just to continue to show appreciation for people who send me kind things! Even if I don’t respond to all of them (since I feel really awkward just like.. publicly responding to a ton of compliments lol), still know that I really appreciate it! I hope you also have a great year, anon! 

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3. accidental mislabeling error means free space for cat image

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4. “will you do more videos? vlogs, tutorials, explaining your art, games, podcast, anything? sorry if it's weird to say, but I just really enjoy listening to you speak!” (question typed in a shortened way/not fully quoted) 

Possibly? I just can’t think of many things to make that would work well for me?

vlogs:  I don’t like to do vlogs anymore because of my mental illness and becoming more anxious about showing my face or daily life in public. Though I do enjoy aspects of the “lifestyle blogging” sort of content, like I think it would be cool to be able to make easy videos where all I do is sit down and talk about my hair or something for 20 minutes lol, or etc., but I guess as I get less comfortable with showing myself, I tend to stray away from stuff like that?

(this is also why I’ve been shifting more towards like... costumes, art, world-building, making games, etc. as opposed to outfits/personal style/personal life type content, since I feel much more comfortable being framed as more of a ‘detached and faceless creator that shows some personality but is still mostly obscured’ than ‘open personality that posts selfies and talks about their life extensively’ or etc. Obviously I still post personal stuff like questions and thoughts/opinions and cat images and etc., but less so.. like I don’t even remember the last time I posted an actual selfie where my face wasn’t obscured by costume makeup or something lol..) 

I would absolutely still do stuff like “room tour” or “what’s in my bag” videos, or like a single video showing my usual daily routine or something,,  if those were ever requested of me/interest was shown in them..  I’m okay with small one time “lifestyle” genre sort of content. But anything too invasive or long term (daily/frequent vlogging, or like “story time” videos) I think I would get uncomfortable with lol. 

tutorials: I’m not really sure what I would do tutorials on? If you want me to make a tutorial about something, feel free to let me know something in specific! My main problem is that I don’t feel like there’s anything unique that I do that there aren’t  already 100 other tutorials for, so I’m never sure what I should make those about. I get occasional asks with people saying “do a makeup tutorial” or “do a sculpting tutorial” or something, but they don’t ever say WHAT SPECIFIC makeup or what SPECIFIC thing they’d like to see me explain, so then I’m still left alone with vagueness and unsure what to do lol! 

art explanation: Same kind of goes for the “explaining your art” thing like, what art? Explaining what specifically about it? You mean worldbuilding? Or sculptures? etc.??  I’m actually always happy to make videos for anything people want to see (since I enjoy the process of making them, usually), but I just am never sure exactly what to do. But if I had specific prompts I would be glad to explain something though! Videos are fun, I just never know what to make them about lol

games: I would absolutely love to do let’s plays/game videos or something (I assume this is what you meant by just saying ”games”??)  since I enjoy games, and my whole thing about not being able to relax (I feel guilty about playing games (or any other leisure activity) unless it’s working towards something, I have to have a way to justify the activity being productive, which is why I rarely ever play games despite liking them a lot lol..but if I made videos or etc. it would feel slightly more worth the time/effort).. But seeing as I’m fairly lower income I really don’t have much money to buy games, and I don’t have a very good computer situation lol. I would need to have money to fix my current computer, and a few other things, etc. etc. 

 Idk, it’s something I think about occasionally and that would be extremely convenient  for me and my current situation (in terms of having something simultaneously low effort/relaxing/ suitable to my needs/mental illness/physical issues, but also that feels productive at the same time), but it’s also a very weird genre of stuff (idk if I’d feel comfortable being anywhere near the broader “games” community ghggb), and I would need a little money first lol.. 

podcast: I would never start my own podcast because I have no idea what I would even have a podcast about, and I also don’t have any friends who do that sort of thing (podcasts usually have multiple people, right??). I would do one with someone else or something like if a close friend asked me I guess, but idk... I couldn’t ever see that being something I start by myself?? Especially since I don’t know anything about them or what equipment or programs are required to edit together the audio, I’ve only listened to a few of them every once in a while, etc. am not really tech savvy in the field of like. how podcasts work ggh. So that’s probably the most unlikely one out of everything you listed, sorry!! 

As for other stuff, I’ve thought of answering questions in audio form instead (so rather than writing them out here, I’d just make a video (though not with visuals, since I don’t like filming myself talking..maybe I could put footage of cats over the audio though lol) of me going through my inbox and answering things, since I feel like typing takes me so much longer than speaking, and sometimes it’d be more convenient). 

I’ve also thought about just like.. talking about world-building stuff, like.. rather than writing out a post, I can just ramble about things or something,, but I’m afraid I’d get too disorganized, so it’d probably only be good for answering questions about specific things (which I don’t really get questions about worldbuilding stuff that I could have enough to sit down and answer in a video lol.. I think I’ve gotten two so far?? which I already answered in text posts).

So idk, maybe those could also be ways to hear more of me talking? If I used audio more often to answer things or discuss things (like answering asks that way) rather than typing.. which would save me time anyway lol.. But I just feel unsure about it since it seems.. weird.. like.. some people might just want a quick answer to their ask and not have to skip to a certain time stamp of a video and hear me talk about it for 5 minutes lol.. 

But anyway, yeah, feel free to offer specific suggestions or support towards anything mentioned if it’s really something you want to see! I really appreciate that you even watched the silly little vocabulary video and especially that you actually enjoy my rambling lol (I sometimes feel annoying when I speak), and I hope I can make something sometime!! I just have trouble deciding on what content I should be making or etc., but maybe I’ll try to find a few more things I can do where I’m actually talking! 

(also thanks for hoping I feel okay! I am a little bit better, but still sick lol)

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5. “Hope you feel better (emoji heart that I can't type on a computer)”

Thank you!! It’s been really stink to be sick the entire first month of the year lol, but hopefully I’ll be better like.. by mid February at least!!! With how goal focused I am, it’s been like... utterly evil to not be able to start the year off well and get all of my to-do list stuff done.. I’m finally at a point where I’m finishing a few things again (like this post, and a few of the worldbuilding things from a week ago or etc), but I still can’t stop myself being.... deeply annoyed, by my loss of time and how much I feel like I should have gotten done already aaaAAA.

Especially I REALLY WANT TO DO another costume soon!!!! I have some laid out in my closet that I hope to do, but I keep waiting until I’m feeling better, since I’m afraid of having some random sickness related health problem in the middle of getting dressed and then having to like.. show up to the doctor while I have elf ears on and half a horn on my head or something ghghggh... 

But anyway, I can’t do anything to change it now, so the best I can manage is just to kind of.. ignore my losses and move forward and try to be as productive as possible from now on! I really hope I can still get some of my main goals (like the game, costumes, music, worldbulding stuff) finished in reasonable time, even if I basically lost the entire month of January into a void lol. Sometimes you just lose an entire month of time... life is just Like That and you have to move on and make the most out of it I guess! 

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6. Would you ever like consider selling your outfits???? I have an extended non violent larping thing coming up and i really love your outfits!

I might actually! I mentioned it before I think like, months ago, but i have a LOT of clothes I really want to get rid of, it’s just that it’s SO daunting. I’ve sold clothes before and it took hours and hours of effort, and you have to constantly keep up with it and track sales, and on top of that I really underestimated shipping prices (especially making the mistake of shipping internationally on one of them I think), and I ended up making no profit and actually losing $70 just from paying people’s shipping that I didn’t charge them for (which for me and my financial situation is.. A LOT.. like.. I do NOT have that kind of spare money ghghh).

This time I want to be careful about it and also I’ll have to charge a lot more (which of course, I feel guilty about since I have Bigg Money Anxiety and wish everything was free for everyone all the time gghb), and also it’s hard for me to find the time and energy to take literally hundreds of photos of hundreds of items and then list them somewhere and etc. etc. etc. 

BUT to cut down on that workload I’ve thought about actually just grouping them into outfits or like, groups of clothing that all match each other or etc. and selling them all together (so that I don’t have to photograph and list every individual item), and additionally that way I can maybe just do one batch at a time like.. maybe sell two of them a week or something, instead of all at once. 

Maybe just buying a certain size of box/envelope thing and stuffing whatever I can into it and selling them all for a set price like $40 a piece or something. Which to me sounds extremely expensive I guess since I’m someone who would never have $40 to just spend on clothing lol, but I really kind of can’t go much lower than that if I want to allot for shipping and not make the same mistakes again as last time (and definitely not allow people to buy internationally unless they pay me like.. $50 extra or something, which would be ridiculous lol). 

But anyway, especially since I have a few things I could really use money for (paying my guardians back for recent medical copays, and for my cat’s vet visit a few months ago, and also I have to fix the battery on my computer or buy a new one, etc.), I’ve thought about trying to do that soon!  Maybe sometime in the next month I can start listing some themed clothing groups/outfits/etc. and sell them at a slower better pace for me (like one group a week or so). I’ll definitely post about it if I do!

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7. (this one will have to be shortened a lot since it's so long, but I'll try to just type the main parts I'm replying to)  “Are you making/would you consider making a story with your fantasy worlds? Like a book or a zine or youtube videos where you roleplay as the characters and make them talk to the viewer or each other? If you don't want to create plot, you could just do characters seeking to educate humans bout their cultures or something.  I used to scroll past your posts since I'm more visual when it comes to fantasy, before realizing how interesting they are and I feel like your ideas need more playing out and exposure. ALSO, how do you feel about collaborating with other people on creating art? Or just being art pals and sharing ideas/plans/etc.? I just read your FAQ about collaborations so I understand the terms and my offer to be art friends still stands!” 

-- About whether I’ll make more things with my world:  

Thanks so much for the very nice message!! Worldbuilding stuff is one of the most fun creative activities for me to do, so I always appreciate it when people discuss it with me and etc. (not that I don’t also appreciate compliments on sculptures and costumes and etc., those are great too! But I guess because world stuff is something I’m so much more personally invested in yet also never get to talk about lol, anytime anyone sends me anything related to characters or worlds or etc my brain is instantly like !!!!!!!!!!!!! O v O !!!!!!!!!!!  ghgh). 

I am actually making a game like I may have mentioned a few times, which though it’s more character focused and doesn’t really have a plot/broader story (it’s basically like a dating sim except without romance/dating, but it has similar mechanics in the sense that the main goal is to get to know characters in the world and do tasks for them and etc.), it will include a good bit of things that have do with my world, seeing as it like... takes place there. 

And since each of the characters have their own backgrounds and etc., they’ll of course speak about various world-related topics. Like for example, one of the shop-owners you can work for is an elf from outside of the elven alliance, and another shop the player can work at is owned by a set of twins who were formerly part of a royal family within the alliance, so those characters (when getting to know them and doing quests for them and etc) will of course have different perspectives on the world and talk about some of the stuff that’s been brought up in my worldbuilding posts, just obviously in a more personal/casual way, since it’s dialogue rather than me writing exposition infodump posts. 

Like for example, the fact that alliance elves and non-alliance elves often have very different takes on the main elven religion, meaning if it comes up in conversation, both shopkeepers would give different dialogue relating to it, etc. Which since every character has their own unique situation and heritage and etc. (the game is set on a popular market street in a large global city, so here it actually makes sense for a bunch of different species to all be in the same place and etc.), I think could maybe expose players to a lot of the central worldbuilding concepts, depending on which shopkeeper they go with. 

Obviously characters aren’t going to just be doing unnatural exposition dumps about the extensive background of the world or something lol, but even just naturally and playing through a character with neutral favor (meaning not unlocking any special positive/negative dialogue options/etc), you’d still be able to get at least a few tidbits about the world. (especially since some character’s conflicts stem from cultural/worldbuilding factors, so it’s not unnatural for them to bring it up if that’s like.. something that seriously impacts their life lol.). It probably wont expose people to Advanced Lore like the time gaps or obscure types of magic or etc (well.. depending on which shopkeepers you talk to hbhbb), but it could help with some of what you’re talking about.. In the sense of it being a more accessible visual medium that, while not the MAIN focus of the game, does end up covering some of the world background information through natural dialogue. 

(always feel free to send an ask or something if you have any questions about the game, I never talk about it but every time I start to my brain unlocks and I have to stop myself from like.. saying literally every single thing about it ghgbhj)

Other than that though, I’m not currently working on anything that actually involves my world. I totally get what you mean though, and I’ve often tried thinking of ways to make it more accessible and etc (shorter posts, more clear topics, more visual elements, etc.), but it can be hard for me to work within those constraints when it already takes so much time for me to put those things together. It’s like I have so much planned out in my head, I kind of just want to get it out there however I can, since if I spend too much time deliberating about it or etc. it will become an endless task lol..

Ghhbh I actually have an extensive background in acting out characters, I’ve pretty much walked around talking to myself in different voices and etc. for my whole life and am used to like acting multiple characters at once and improvisational storytelling things (this is still what I spend a lot of my time doing lol.. I just.. walk around my house having conversations out loud pretending to be random people.. Especially when doing chores, like washing dishes or etc. is more fun if you pretend you’re a group of travelers working in a weird little elven restaurant bickering with each other the whole time hgh), but idk if that would be something I would do for videos. I feel weird about being on camera personally, even if I were in costume. But it is a really good suggestion since that is something which would be much much easier to produce than like, doing a full animation or writing a book or something lol. 

I have thought of reading my worldbuilding posts aloud/ doing audio versions of them, so that people could just listen to them instead of reading them (there would be no visuals like.. just black screen or something with audio of me reading it), but the way I write is like.. hard to read back? I love to read out loud (one of my favorite activities to entertain myself is to actually find random text I’ve never seen before and see how well I can sightread it. Especially random medical articles with a lot of words I don’t know in them lol, it’s fun to just try to go through a new text fast in a convincing narrator voice or something, scrambling to mess up as little as possible), but I find that I have to modify my writing in order to read it that way (I’ve attempted to make a worldbuilding audio thing before, this is how I know this lol), so it’s almost like I’m writing a whole second version of the post, which makes it take longer?

I could modify my writing style (less having things in parentheses and etc., side sentences that occur in the middle of main sentences and break reading flow, etc.. Like this one lol), and have thought about writing in a way that would be easier for me to read back, but it’s just a whole thing I’d have to plan. I’ve definitely considered it though, and could pursue that idea further if people were interested or something! 

I’ve also thought of writing dialogue out between characters as a method of worldbuilding (not a story, but more like a script) since I think that’s a good natural way to convey things or give snapshots of moments in history or etc... but like.. That would just be more text so it wouldn’t really solve the problem lol. I could do audio reading them I guess, but since I’m more used to improv stuff, idk how I would do trying to read actual already written lines, even if I was the one who wrote them, it would definitely be something I’ve never done before lol!  

I also just think doing smaller things could help, and anything interactive. Like shorter posts, especially with more visuals in them, typically get seen more, and then stuff like me making a game or other condensed things.. I’ve thought of making like.. a character selection screen, not an actual game but kind of like a dress up game where you get to choose your background from the different species in my world and then dress them up a little or etc. but that would be a LOT more work than it seems probably lol.

A lot of social media is just a combination of luck/the right connections, quantity, and consistency especially. I’m sure if I could do a short post a day or a drawing of a character every other day or something and reblog them a lot, then more people would see the other things I do as well and etc., but it’s just... very difficult for me to operate that way since it’s so inherently antithetical to my personality and how I work lol (I tend to be more of a.. .. ‘stay isolated working on things and barely post anything for 3 months then post 10 things at once out of nowhere before going inactive again’ type of person ghbh.. which is like.. horrible from a Social Media Strategy standpoint). 

(Oh also, I still have no idea what a zine is even though I've seen them around and looked at a few and even looked up the definition of one to try to understand them hhghgg.. I’m still not exactly sure like.. what qualifies as one or how I would make a world-related one lol.. so this is why I didn’t really go into much detail on that specific suggestion of yours since.. I’m Uneducated Fool )  

But anyway, Idk if I could do acting videos, but I could do audio reading of posts or other things, and I am at least in the middle of working on a game which heavily involves elements of the world, so maybe that counts for what you’re talking about! 

Though personally it really doesn’t matter much to me if many people see my world stuff or etc., since really all the fun is just that I sincerely enjoy coming up with ideas and creating worlds and etc., even if I’m not doing anything major with it ( making a book series or comics or etc. I don’t feel like worldbuilding has to be working toward another project, and like that it can just be done for it’s own sake as a hobby), I still truly appreciate the sentiment and that you enjoy the world enough to give suggestions and etc. for stuff like that!! I’m going to keep at it however I can just because I love doing it so much, no matter if anyone really pays attention, but it is always unexpected and very meaningful when people like you engage with the content, so thank you for that! I’ll continue trying to make things and be productive and maybe use a few new ideas here and there just so it’s easier for people like you who tend to be more visual with things. I want to avoid leaving people out, and try to make a variety of things that can cater to more visual people as well or etc.! 

-

-- About possibly being art friends or working together: 

Well you said you read the collaboration FAQ, so I’m under the impression that I no longer need to answer that part of your question lol, thus I’ll just continue on with an answer assuming you know all of that information! 

I’m always up for it I guess! I’m not sure about collaborating since I know nothing about you, and also don’t know where you live (remember I mention that it’d be much easier to collaborate with people I live closer to so we don’t have to like.. skype or some other weird digital method of communication in order to talk about ideas. Just since that sort of thing can get so lengthy, especially if it’s an actual project being taken seriously, I’d rather speak to someone in person and be able to work on it alongside each other better). If I got to know you for a few months and thought I could trust you/know we have a similar vision/don’t clash creatively or personality wise,  AND we also lived close enough to meet at least occasionally, then yeah! project collaborations could work. If otherwise, then unfortunately it might not work in that regard. : U

(OH also if we’re a similar age?? I forget that people on the internet can be way younger than me.. I have nothing against younger people (very against the weird overly-simplified generational stereotyping ggh), but I would just feel kind of weird being an adult (early 20s) working with a minor who’s like 13 years old or something. I would be happy to talk about things from time to time and help with ideas or something, but actual like.. long term collaborative projects like writing a book together or creating and selling a game or something may be strange just due to us being at such totally different stages in our lives and etc. So, to collaborate on projects or even just communicate frequently about them or etc. I would also prefer we’re a similar age range (you’re somewhere from like 19 - 28 yrs old or close to that) ghhbh) 

As for just talking about art though, that could work fine probably! Since it would just be casual discussion and less serious than full on project collabs or etc., you wouldn’t need to live near me or etc. Though of course I would still need to know about you first (especially politics and stuff like.. I don’t want to get 50 long conversations in with someone only to find out they hate trans people or are a huge racist or etc. I always like to establish that ahead of time or at least have some idea of a person’s leanings.), and understand your personality a little.

 I am pretty socially anxious and due to health problems and stuff can sometimes be bad at replying ( I know some people expect instant responses, whereas I usually reply in a day or two ( depending on how long the message is)), but I also don’t currently have any friends to talk about world-building stuff with really or who care much about that sort of thing, so I’m always open to having conversations about stuff like that! 

Especially if it’s a low-pressure causal sort of thing in the sense of like “hey let’s just see if we get along well conversationally and if we don’t then no hard feelings”, etc. One of the main reasons I’m often afraid to talk to strangers is that if we end up NOT getting along and I decide that I want to stop talking or etc., I’m afraid they’ll get mad at me or lash out at me or something. I prefer it when the expectation is set ahead of time like “we can both walk away at any time and should feel free to openly communicate how we feel about this conversation at any time. if we wouldn’t make good art friends or have trouble communicating then that’s fine and we just respectfully stop talking”.  Which sounds like.. very common sense but.. I've talked to a few people in the past who struggled with communication and would be passive aggressively mean to you about it or something like that instead of just being open about them not feeling like talking anymore or etc., which is always a confusing situation to be in and I’d like to avoid it! 

Anyway though! I can’t promise anything since I don’t know you and am cautious about new people (I don’t want to be like “OH sure we’ll be best friends!!” before I even know you and set up false expectations), but I’m definitely at least open to talking,  especially about world-building stuff, if we’re compatible and respectful to each other and etc. And am also open to collaborations, under the right circumstances like what I’ve mentioned. Thank you  again for the very nice set of asks!!!! I hope you have a great day, anon~ 

--

And that’s all for the reply post. Thanks to everyone who sent in asks about stuff!!

[tlbodine]

Stories That Don’t Flinch: Let’s Talk About Hereditary

There’s a lot to be said about 2018′s Hereditary, the directorial debut of Ari Aster. We could talk about it’s oppressive atmosphere and slow-but-inevitable-crescendo pacing. We could talk about the unbearable tension built around a crumbling family. Or we could talk at length about its incredible amounts of meticulous foreshadowing and the tightness of its visual storytelling. 

But I want to talk about that scene. You know the one. 

Heavy spoilers underneath the cut. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, venture cautiously forward -- you might want to watch it spoiler-free so you can be shocked the way I was. Trigger warnings for child death. This is not a pleasant movie. 

Hereditary opens on a funeral, but its first on-screen death happens around the 35 minute mark, and nothing can really prepare you for it. 

Up to this point, you think you know where this movie is headed. We’re introduced to Annie, a mother who’s dealing with complicated grief after her own mother’s death. They didn’t have a good relationship, to say the least, and her own life has been marked by a series of tragedies tied to mental illness. We’re introduced to her daughter Charlie, an uncanny child whose hobbies include eating chocolate, drawing, and building creepy-ass effigies in her bedroom. 

We have every reason to believe that the primary conflict of the film will be centered on the difficult relationship between mother and daughter. Annie wasn’t close to her mother, but Charlie had a special bond with her grandmother. Charlie is despondent and weird and creepy. She does things like sneak out to sleep in her tree house, follow lights into the woods, and cut the head off a dead bird for her next art project. 

So around the half-hour mark, Charlie’s older brother Peter asks if he can go to a party. His mother, suspecting there might be drinking involved, tells him to take his little sister along -- a classic parenting move I think is probably familiar to most people. I know I spent a lot of time as a kid being the annoying tag-along sister chaperoning (and cock-blocking) my brothers and their friends. Highly relatable. 

Anyway - so Peter takes Charlie to the party and is trying to make the best of it (ie, not let his weird creepy kid sister completely ruin his chance at having fun) so he gently urges her to go eat a piece of cake and enjoy herself. Unbeknownst to both of them, the cake has walnuts in it -- and we’ve previously established that Charlie has a nut allergy. 

Not long later, Charlie finds Peter sequestered in an upstairs bedroom, taking a bong rip. She’s broken out into a rash and started to wheeze. 

Peter, being a dumb teenager, panics and bundles her up in the car to drive back to mom and dad -- a bad call, but again, utterly relatable. Who’s going to call an ambulance to a party full of underage drinking and weed? What teenage boy is going to remember to carry an epi-pen all the time for his kid sister? 

So he starts driving down the empty country road leading to their house. It’s dark, and he’s flooring the gas pedal. We see the speedometer top out at 90. Charlie is gasping and wheezing terribly in the back seat. She rolls down the window and leans out, trying to breathe better. Peter, obviously frightened, is trying to share his attention between her in the backseat and the road. 

There’s a dead deer lying in the middle of the road. 

He swerves to avoid it. There’s a telephone pole on the side of the road, the same side Charlie is hanging out of. 

We hear the impact, and we know. We know what happened. 

At that point watching this movie, I legitimately screamed, and that doesn’t happen often. Never in a million years would I have expected that. 

Kids in movies -- even horror movies -- tend to have plot armor. It’s pretty rare that the kid dies. It happens, of course (look at Pet Sematary), but it’s uncommon. 

And it’s rare in movies -- even horror movies -- for a death to be sudden and honest and brutal. Stories usually give you a place to hide, emotionally, when a character dies. Either the death is treated with some filter of sentimentality -- sad music and on-screen tears and a lingering camera view of fingers unfurling, or some such -- or the shlocky gore factor is played up, driving the death to the point of absurdity so that you can feel a little safer about watching it. 

It’s pretty rare for death in fiction to come suddenly and brutally and without any warning or safe space to hide, and for that death to be the death of a child -- shit. It was hardcore. It was viscerally uncomfortable to watch. We actually had to pause the movie to go outside for a minute and collect ourselves before going back into it. 

And not just because the death itself was so shocking and so awful, but because the film broke an unspoken contract: 

The kid isn’t supposed to die. We had every reason up to that point to believe that she was going to be the main character, or the antagonist. 

It’s a genuinely Hitchcockian twist, and watching it, I think I know how audiences must have felt the first time Psycho aired on theaters. That kind of contractual betrayal works on a meta-textual basis to deeply unsettle the audience. 

We’re barely 40 minutes into a 2-hour+ film at this point. Where the fuck can it go from here? 

Back on the screen -- Peter has stopped the car, and he is completely frozen with shock in the front seat. There is no more noise from the back seat. He doesn’t dare look. He knows. He knows what he’s going to see back there. And for a long, long time, he sits there frozen in complete shock and terror. 

And then he puts the car into gear and drives home. 

And pulls into the driveway and goes inside and climbs into his bed without ever looking in the back seat, without saying anything to anyone, without turning on a light or making a noise. He lays down in bed wide-eyed and completely numb and, some sleepless quantity of time later, hears the sounds of his parents moving around, and his mom heading down to the car, and then her screaming. 

I don’t know that I have ever felt more sorry for a fictional character in my life than I did for Peter at that moment. 

This poor kid -- this doe-eyed teenager, who made some bad calls, but can you blame him? None of this was his fault, not really. And now he’s going to live with this weight for the rest of his life. He is completely and utterly traumatized, and we know immediately that he’s not going to get any support in this -- not from his mother, who we can already see is both selfish and pathological in her own grief. 

As you might expect, things continue to get worse for him throughout the rest of the film. 

And just in case you thought the movie would be kind to you -- just in case you thought you still had somewhere safe to hide, in case you thought you could get away without confronting the whole situation (god help me) head-on...well. In the bright light of day, the family (and the camera) return to the scene to retrieve Charlie’s head, already teeming with ants. 

This movie does not pull any punches. Not a single one. 

I think there are a lot of useful things to learn from this particular film, from an artistic standpoint: 

You have an unspoken contract with the audience. There are certain expectations that people have based on genre conventions and cultural norms. You can break those to great effect -- but you have to be careful with it, because breaking those conventions is a betrayal of trust. You might lose audience members who are not willing to surrender their time and attention to a creator who betrays the contract. This is the kind of thing you can only manage to pull off once in a story, and you’ve got to make it count. 

Highly specific situations are often, paradoxically, more relatable than “universal” ones. Eschewing common tropes and expected, predictable creative choices can make a story feel more authentic and real. The situation of going to a party and having to drag your kid sister along is real. Panicking and running home to mom instead of calling an ambulance is real. Being in total shock after a terrible accident and not telling anyone about it is real. They’re things I don’t necessarily think I’ve seen play out very often in a story, but they’re things that are absolutely believable. Universal tropes are often based more on cultural norms of behavior than on actual individual experiences. Real life is usually messier and stranger and more messed up. Crib experiences from real life -- yours, your friends, your family, news stories -- to tell authentic and relatable stories. 

Decide whether you want to give the audience a place to hide. Sometimes horror movies are fun. Sometimes you want to create a scary environment that people can feel safe watching, like a haunted house. You give them places to hide and protect themselves emotionally -- you incorporate humor, you drive up the absurdity of the violence, you make all of the characters sort of caricature-esque. But sometimes you want to make a story that will actually genuinely horrify the audience -- even traumatize them. And you do that by refusing to flinch or look away or pull punches. You make them confront the terrible things directly and force them to process them on their own. 

Anyway. I’m not sure that Hereditary manages to live up to its first act. It’s a fine film, and it continues to be creepy and uncomfortable and genuinely horrifying throughout -- but that death scene is a tough act to follow, and I personally found its supernatural resolution to somewhat cheapen the events that preceded it. 

But that scene will stick with me forever. This film will haunt me. And for someone who consumes and creates as much horror media as I do, that is truly saying something. 

[allywiiiowswords-blog]

Disabled Creators: Thoughts & Opinions

Written by Alice Cove-Smith

Maybe it’s just me, but it’s 2019 and something is missing. Diversity is all around us, but I have yet to see a show, movie or content primarily featuring disabled creators. Much of this is produced for an able-bodied market. It sounds like a stretch, but that’s the truth. In a lot of projects, the focus is not from the perspective of the affected person, but centres on their carer, parents, friends or love interests. The list goes on.

I would like to state that although I am grateful for representation across the whole disability spectrum, I have seen a lack of media that has a physically disabled person as their main subject. That is, a show that actually deals with the battles of chronic or physical disability from the person’s point of view. The disabled person in a wheelchair is often treated as a secondary figure or an example in a message about tolerance. Take Glee (2009-2015) as an example. In the episode Wheels, teacher Will Schuester encourages the Glee club kids to learn about disability by spending a week in wheelchairs. On the surface, as a kid, I was touched by this episode. I still am, to an extent, as I can see the good intention behind it. Unfortunately, as an adult, my views have changed. It frustrates me that Artie is disabled but played by an able-bodied actor. People with Down Syndrome and those hard of hearing were featured, but why not an actual person in a wheelchair? I have nothing against Kevin McHale, who played the character. But reflecting back on it, it makes me want representation for a specific branch of the community all the more.

This brings me to the focus of this piece: disabled creators. I don’t mean YouTube creators or influencers, although they have totally valid platforms and I support them one hundred percent. I’m talking about Hollywood. I want something very simple: for the disability community to have a seat at the table and contribute to stories which directly involve them. Even in smaller projects, the need for rep is huge and should be filled by making as much available room for people like myself as possible. Jameela Jamil, an actress I highly respect, recently tweeted about an article where she explained her reasoning for not taking a disabled role. The aim, she said, was not to take space but “to make space.” Someone who gets it.

We should involve people in as many mediums as possible, despite physical challenges or otherwise. I want a superhero blockbuster where a girl with Cerebral Palsy or a boy with muscular dystrophy is the main hero who can read thoughts or travel to other dimensions. I want dramas and comedies that focus on disabled people with explicit mental illnesses or have trauma because of disability, and that it is okay and they are loved and it does get better. I don’t want glossy inspiration porn to make able-bodied people feel good. I want real, raw projects, the kind that make you sit up and take notice. We need to encourage our community – our writers, filmmakers, animators, designers – to share their voices. I started a blog because I no longer want to be in the shadows. I want to contribute something of merit and worth, whether people like it or not. I want to make sure portraying experiences go to someone who has lived that experience themselves. 

It’s hard when I go on the Internet or go to the movies or read books but yet I don’t see a girl with CP or someone who has the same feelings as me. It makes me feel invalidated in some small way, because people like me never get our moment or are portrayed as brooding and bitter individuals or courageous and amazing. There’s never just a simple movie about the struggles of such conditions. I remember getting emotional after walking out of a university lecture. The reason? I was shown the lens through which disability is filtered and it made me upset and uncomfortable. I can be your personal inspiration, but I do not exist to make you feel guilty or better about yourself. My chair is equipment, not a personality trait or defining feature. I want to be treated the same as any other person, minus my means of existing. I want people to show themselves for who they are. It’s a new year and it’s time for a change.

That starts small. I’m posting this blog because I know someone might read it. If they are and they can relate to anything I’ve said here, please create. Write that story, finish that script, film that movie. You never know whose lives you will touch in the process.

My twitter: @allywiIIow

Link to Jameela’s tweet/inspo for this post: 

https://twitter.com/jameelajamil/status/1085391400655556609 

[kenmaiii]

stop being jealous and bitter!

Now i know you cant outright just throw away your jealousy in the art community. You see a really cool popular artist or just someone with absolutely amzing art and you think “wow holy shit their art is so good i wish that was me and that i could do that....” I understand that spite can be a good thing sometimes; it can be what motivates you to improve and do well, especially if the artist is well... not the best person in terms of personality. Great, that’s even more motivation to do well right!? 

But when does all the comparing go too far?

----------------------------------------long post incoming------------------------------------------

Now i’ve had people very close to me do this. I’ve been told that im ‘popular’ which im honestly not seriously. They could probably be reading this right now, but this has been bothering me for awhile so i must get this out there. Let’s step into a certain mindset for a moment:-

You hate your artwork. You hate your current skills. Sure there are artists you like. But then there are ‘THOSE’ ones. You have very specific artists you follow just because theyre so good and popular they make you feel bitter and you still check up on them regularly to fuel that bitterness. You know good and well that they make you bitter and angry and peeved but you just keep going back.

Step back for a moment and think.... why on earth am i fucking doing this???? Comparing and feeling bitter about another persons skill or popularity and letting yourself stay sad and bitter isn’t good for ANYTHING, art aside. It’s good to want to feel validated at the work you spent time on but it WILL get tiring if you keep complaining that ‘your art is bad’, ‘your art isnt good’, ‘its shit’ or ‘garbage’. Your brain is just internalizing that and hindering your work and future improvement. It’s most importantly WASTING YOUR own time, YOU the creator. And not to sound snobby here, i really truly dont intend for that, but some of you know good and well that you keep belitting you work because you only just want people to compliment your art when youre only doing the bare minimum to improve! I can only tell you as a friend or an on-looker that i love your art so many times (as much i really do love it and hope for your improvement) if you continuously decide to still turn around and say you hate your work and tell me im wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why reach for compliments then! Why continuously turn them down?

And i’m not saying you cant ever not like your art (cause it happens) or decline a compliment, but to do it every single time....it leaves a bad image for your work. You either start to believe it, or the person complimenting you will get put off from your negativity!  

It makes people feel bad, especially if theyre also artist AND also your friends. You can’t keep saying you prefer their work and still put down your own. It makes your artist friend uncomfortable. They might not know how to respond when you keep doing it. And im sure they wouldnt want you to keep making yourself feel bad. Personally, i wish all my art friends success and improvement, and i want them to love and feel proud of their work more than the times they hate it. We really need to uplift each other as artists.

Thanks.

What you think and say is what you become and if youre always negative and comparing youre gonna tear down both the person you admire and yourself. Ie, if youre constantly thinking ‘ill never be as good as this person’,’no ones ever gonna like my work’, ‘i cant color as well as they do’ or saying that your work is only ever garbage... newsflash asshole! your mind absorbs that negativity and makes you believe it! u fool!!!!! Because brains are stupid and can be your worst enemy at times! 

Sometimes you just need to stOP looking at certain peoples work completely if it gets you that bitter or angry or sad. Unfollow them! Block them! Delete their name from your search history if you have to! Stop hurting yourself and forget about them, it’s like trying to think about an ex thats moved on. Pointless.

Negative emotions such as sadness and anger are our brains direct ways at trying to reach out to ourselves.

You: seeing cool art Your mind: remembering you dont have some of those skills or popularity + comparing = sadness/ anger/ bitterness at not being able to be at that lvl withtin the same timeframe or less

Your brain is trying to tell you to fix this! But you know you might not have the tools to gain that much popularity or become so good at anatomy, coloring , compositions or backgrounds overnight, so the only solution for your brain is to self-sabotage.

It’s just the same as suddenly feeling sad for no reason. It’s your mind trying to work out a problem you never resolved. Maybe your friends haven’t replied in awhile and you feel ignored. Or you subconsciously remembered a bad experience without really realizing. You’ll get sad. Your mind is is saying ‘Hey asshole im sad. I know it might be out of your control but I’ll stay sad about this one thing until you resolve it somehow. ’ (whether it be blindly distracting yourself on purpose or fully wallowing in the feelings)

So we realized youre feeling intensely about this persons work vs your own...then what exactly happened there? The answer is pretty simple. Some kind of information processing happened in your brain. The result of this processing made the your mind conclude that one of your existing problems (art in this case) can never be solved; whether conscious or unconscious, and this explains why your mood might change all of a sudden without any kind of warning signs (in relation to what you saw). 

Inspired VS Jealousy When youre inspired youre working against yourself in a GOOD way. You’re feeling motivated to make something great! Youre feeling motivated to make something better than the last piece!! And honestly thats wonderful!!!  That is a lot nicer than being in art-block, comparison negativity hell.

YOU are the only one responsible for where you are as an artist. That goes towards every artist of every skill level! There’s always someone better than you and there’s always someone worse than you. People get better at art in different intervals depending on how much they take in or put into practicing. Some people just get some concepts and fundamentals a lot easier and quicker than others but that doesn’t mean they naturally had that ability from birth. They put in the work just as you should be doing instead of feeling so intensely negative! But when you’re jealous and negative all the time, that’s when it starts to go downhill. :/

Jealously is a very human emotion at its core. And im not saying its super easy to deal with and just suddenly get over, but there are things you can do to slowly help yourself do it at least a little less.

Here’s the best things you CAN do instead:- - Write down some of the things you find yourself feeling bitter over about, especially when you look at another artists work? Ask yourself why these specific things? If it’s something you yourself can work on in your own pieces then maybe uh do that?  - Find the time to practice your work. - Practice even more. - If it’s your style that you arent happy with think of the artstyles you like and set aside time to mimic the way that artist might draw something (hence adding that to YOUR style). Take a sketchbook page or two and just draw entirely in those styles. - Practice. I can’t stress this enough. I know artists say this a lot and it can kind of just be thrown around carelessly, but if you keep putting this off and saying you don’t want to practice or talking about how time is going by when you should be practicing things.... and STILL refuse to practice then???? I cant help you sorry. Time waits for no one, so sometimes you need to grab time by the horns and kick its ass for awhile. Put in that effort! - Please use references. Even better if you use it nearly EVERYTIME you draw something, especially yknow...if its a pose, body part or background that you know you have no idea how to properly express! Find a stock image or a variety of websites to use! Save poses that you like from online magazines, other artists and photographs you see anywhere online. I like to look at online magazines from other countries or photographers, and there are tons of places like pinterest or instagram and whatnot. - Stop comparing and being bitter. Ii cant say this enough it gets me so ticked off, but my stubborn taurus self refuses to fully go off until it all piles up and this post is the result lol. If you know you can’t let go hating on a certain artist (for no good reason) then dont hate-follow them! Don’t check up on their work constantly! Don’t even talk about them!!!!!!! Try to get them out of your head for goodness sakes. Majority of the time they dont even know who YOU are so why are you worried about what they’re up to. - STOP SHITTING ON YOUR OWN WORK. - STOP IT RIGHT NOW. - AS THE ARTIST SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO FORCE YOURSELF TO SAY ‘’hey, my work isn’t exactly where i want it to be at this point in time and it may never be but i can appreciate that i’ve gotten better at a lot of things and im better than where i was a few years/ a year/ a month ago/ even weeks ago.” - ”I’m proud of this piece and can’t wait to get even better.” - Art is a struggle that takes time, effort and a lot of work. There’s always going to be someone better than you and there’s always going to be someone worse than you. You can only strive to get to the level that would make you happiest, otherwise you will get irritated with it and feel absolutely miserable about everything you produce. - PUT IN THE WORK TO GET YOUR ART OUT THERE. Social media has been both a curse and a blessing to artists all around. It’s made it easier for us to share our work around and opened paths for making money online and at home and connecting with other artists, but competition grows everyday as more people post their work in the same market. (ie another reason why it can be hard to get your commissions out there) Also as artists we want that dopamine rush you get from people liking your stuff, i get that its gucci. -But if you aren’t tagging your works well, posting somewhat consistently, not really bothering to talk to people in certain art communities (even people in your fandom because hey potential friends and even partners on future projects), not adding your works to groups (a big problem i see with people on places like deviantart mostly), joining and sharing them in art group chats/aminos/discords, joining events to get yourself out there (such as zines/big bangs/gift exchanges etc), giving tips and advice or even little helpful tutorials to people then how do you expect to be noticed? How.  If youre not doing at least TWO of these things then hoW can you complain about not getting attention. :(

 Of course you dont have to do ALL of this. Im just saying ...if you arent out there advertising how will more people know about you? This leads to you thinking no one likes your art (skill level excluded because even my cringiest old art would have a few comments or encouragements to see my future improvement, and i still want to hide when people like/comment/reblog said old art to this very day). 

I understand mainly OC artists feel this way that no ones gonna like their characters, or it just doesnt get reblogged enough in general but thats understandable too. No one is ‘selling out’ if they only do fanart. No one is ‘snobby or scared to get themselves out there’ if theyre really enthusiastic about their stories and worlds. Otherwise we wouldnt have fandoms int he first place, theyre all someones work. And hell, good for you if you draw both. It really is just a matter of how you put yourself out there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It’ll take some time but there IS always someone out there that likes your stuff. And sometimes you just have to be content with making work for yourself, work that makes you happy. The online art world is tough especially when youre small but once you fall into the depths of bitterness its hard to rewire your mind...

This is how yall should be looking at your/others work majority of the time: You: seeing cool art  Your mind: omg thats beautiful! i wish i could draw and paint like that. i should practice more , try out some poses and anatomy or implement what they do into my work. i wanna make a cool ass piece like this too i feel so pumped to draw and work!! 

And that’s that! Do yourself a favor and be happier you bastards! Its tiring being negative and sad all the time and i want tf out of it. Its so very tiring and annoying to be sad and bitter as shit!!!!! My goD

I can’t really think of anything else to add to this and the text may appear angry sometimes as i was very heated when i wrote this but tried to tone it down a lot hfkds. Im not some ‘art guru goddess with supreme skill uwuw’ but advice is advice! It’s always up to the person listening to take it or not.

I’m gonna end this with one of my favorite art quotes of all time from t h e Arin Hanson himself. Because it really is true. 

Get yourself out there, practice towards a level that makes you content and try to have more fun with loving your work.

It’s taken me a long while to post this, as i’ve been feeling this way for...at least a couple months??? but i finally put it all out there i just needed to do this lol.  Sorry if i mightve repeated info sometimes here and there?

This post is just as much of a call out to my own actions but more so @ those of you that specifically do this! 

[yoispacezine]

While it's completely understandable that stuff happens, being more than two weeks behind schedule combined with recent zine scandals is a little worrying. Is there anything you can do to assure us all that you're legit and know what you're doing? Being committed is fine and all, but if you're as unexperienced as you said, how can we trust that you'll be able to pull off this big project? I don't mean to be accusing- but I think I'm understandably worried based off of recent zine problems.

Hi there!

Thank you for this ask. With the recent spate of zine scandals, we do understand the concerns, and rest assured these delays are completely unplanned, and as difficult to deal with for us as they are for you. While we are not at the moment handling any funds that could be cause for concern for any of our contributors or customers, we can provide specific explanations of our duties and documentation of our workflow to better provide context.

MODERATING TEAM

Our moderating team consists of 5 individuals, 2 of whom are from Europe (GMT+3) and 3 of whom are from Southeast Asia (GMT+8). The time difference, coupled with work and school hours, make coordination on certain aspects of the zine difficult. Our process is completely democratic; not one decision on this zine has been made without the input of each moderating team member.

While this is indeed our first international project, 3 of the team members are part of Cat Gablin, an artist and writer’s circle that has published zines and comics for the following conventions this year:

YOICon PH (March 26, 2017)

Komikon Indieket (August 5, 2017)

Komiket (October 14, 2017)

Komikon (November 11-12, 2017)

Stammi Vicino Caffe (upcoming, November 26 2017)

Although we are new to organizing international, fandom-wide zines, we have experience with organizing, layouting, and publishing collaborative work on a local scale. Cat Gablin is a fairly young circle, but individually its members have been creating content for conventions and other events for years.

Each of our moderating team members are private individuals, and as such are uncomfortable with divulging all aspects of our personal and professional lives. However, in the spirit of transparency, here are a few of the duties and responsibilities that members of our team have had to juggle while organizing Star Atlas.

MOD TUUNI

Last year of school, lots of exams and work (Closest exam and assessment dates: November 23, November 28, November 29.)

Other zine work

Illness

Other personal concerns

MOD MIU

Personal concerns (Link withheld)

Travel

Important gadgets breaking down

Convention work

Illness

MOD KRAY

Work (Healthcare professional, handling 10 hours of patient care daily, excluding paperwork and administrative duties, currently engaged in overtime for work events.)

Convention work

Other personal concerns

MOD HULI

Work (Media research, 9am-6pm daily, overtime frequently required. Research work is confidential and cannot be disclosed at this time.)

Convention work

Travel

Other personal concerns

MOD LUI

Work (Educator, handling 15 units of classes and 200 students. Teaches research methods, including supervising and proofreading 80+ student research projects, as well as other extracurricular activities.)

Convention work

Travel

Illness

Other personal concerns

Although we did take into account work and convention schedules when planning our initial schedule, many of our moderating team experienced abrupt schedule and workload changes in their professional lives over the past few weeks. We did our best to mitigate these crises, but unfortunately were unable to do so for all.

We also had no idea that this zine would receive such a huge response. Each of the 250 artist applicants received an individual grade from each moderating team member, and many of our members did second and third evaluation sweeps, before we did a full deliberation as a team. The same process applies for the 116 writer applicants, most of whom sent in ~6000 words of writing for evaluation. As content creators, we know how much work goes into every piece, and how difficult it is to put your content out for evaluation and critique. Out of respect to every applicant, we are unwilling to rush our deliberation.

While it was far from our intention to allow our work for this zine to suffer, Star Atlas is a voluntary fan project. As much as we enjoy organizing this fanzine, we are unable to set aside real life duties and responsibilities. We understand that the continued delays may be cause for concern for some; for our part, each delay in the schedule was frustrating and mortifying to announce.

We deeply, deeply apologize for the stress that these delays may have caused. Collaborative fan projects are built on trust; we know that the rescheduling may have shaken that trust for some of you, and we completely understand. We can only hope that the quality of our work so far will be able to speak for itself.

Under the cut is documentation of our workflow; in the interests of privacy and intellectual property, we have refrained from publishing the full grading and evaluation sheets. We hope you can understand.

Thank you, and we hope this was able to address your concerns! 🌠

DOCUMENTATION

(Above.) Full Google Drive of documents for the zine, including grading sheets. To prevent bias, each applicant was assigned a control number unrelated to their application details. Applicants’ names have been hidden.

(Above.) Applicants folder. Grades and confidential text have been hidden.

(Above.) Folder for zine preparations, including draft documents, logos and fonts, and promotional art.

[lafaiette]

Warm Heart

Sequel to Warm Home. This time Scarlet catches a cold and Solas, still not used to sickness and diseases, panics and hates himself even more, because he’s the reason elves (and consequently Scarlet, too) can fall sick, now. Fluffy and a little bit angsty ; v ;

Her throat aches and her head feels light when she opens her eyes. Her sleep and dreams have been pleasant and beautiful as always, but something felt weird as she wandered through the Fade hand in hand with Solas. An odd feeling at the edge of the mind, like an annoying sting or light burn.

She probably caught a cold in Emprise du Lion, when she fell into a freezing river and drenched herself with its icy, uncomfortable water, which seemed to reach her very bones and whose touch left her only much later, despite Solas’ warming magic and the comfort of a bowl of boiling stew.

Her nose is running, she can feel it. It’s stuffed, too, and she scrunches it miserably, trying to find some comfort and let more air into her lungs, but that sends a great pang of pain run through her head and she whines pitifully.

She hates getting sick. Being sick meant not being useful back in her clan, and even though nobody ever let someone feel bad for it, the best huntress couldn’t afford to stay in bed. Also, despite the Keeper’s healing magic, the harsh Dalish life could worsen one’s conditions and she remembers one particular hard night when her fever refused to go down and her parents stayed by her pallet for the whole time.

She touches her forehead, then her neck and armpits and she knows she has got a high fever just like that time. She wonders if Solas knows any old elven magic to help her, but then she remembers the time when he got sick and he had no idea what to do and what a cold actually was.

He’s still sleeping soundly next to her and her next thought goes to his wellbeing. He risks to catch her same illness, if they stay so close to each other, sharing the same air. Keeper Deshanna never allowed the other members of the clan to visit a sick friend for that very reason.

She softly groans, both because her throat hurts immensely and because Solas will inevitably worry about her and believe he is the one who caused her to fall sick in the first place. He recovered from his cold just a few days ago and he will surely come to the conclusion that he was contagious enough to spread it to her. And that will lead him to feel terribly bad, guilty, something she noticed he does a lot, and she doesn’t want that. She wants him to be happy, not feel bad about himself!

She holds her breath and tries to crawl out of bed without waking him up. It shouldn’t be difficult, since he sleeps pretty heavily, but today of all days he does not or maybe he was already half-awake in the first place, because his hand immediately touches her waist and his husky, tender voice says, making heat fill her belly despite her miserable condition:

“Good morning, ma vhenan.”

“Ah.” She desperately tries to think of a way to avoid replying. He will hear her stuffed voice and understand what’s happening. But if she doesn’t reply, he will understand something is wrong all the same and then he will look at her face and see her shiny eyes and red, running nose.

Mumbling a quick prayer to the Creators inwardly, she turns to him, trying to show her best, healthiest smile, hoping her fever can’t be seen that easily. But just then, just as Solas’ lips curl into a bigger smile and her heart thumps faster, happily, in her chest, she sneezes.

Right on his face, with no way for her to hold it back, so sudden it was.

She gasps, ashamed and shocked, and she’s about to apologize when another sneeze comes and then another one. She whines, pressing a hand on her mouth and keeping her eyes shut, to avoid seeing Solas’ expression. She is definitely as red as the tomatoes her clan used to steal from the rich Free Marcher farmers, now.

“I’m sorry!” she babbles and her panic grows, because her nose is running more, now, and she has nothing to dry or blow it with. She needs to get up and take her handkerchief, but she feels too weak and feverish and her head feels lighter than ever.

“My love!” Solas’ voice sounds concerned and as panicked as hers and she tentatively opens one eye to look at him. There are still some droplets on his face and she groans, falling back onto her pillow and refusing to look at him again.

“Scarlet.” Solas’ worry is reaching infinite levels and she feels even worse. “Scarlet, are you sick?” He touches her forehead and gasps, then he makes a soft noise that sounds like a choked sob. “Yes, you are! Scarlet, look at me!”

She does and he’s giving her such a sweet, loving look that she can’t help but cuddle a bit into his arms.

“I’m sorry.” she repeats lamely, but he shakes his head, his long, calloused fingers touching her cheeks and hair in the most beautiful way.

“For what, my light?” he says and his voice is still slightly high with panic, the same panic visible in his eyes, too. “This is my fault! I should have…”

“No, it’s not.” she firmly says, glaring at him. “Solas, I’m sick because I fell into freezing water in the middle of a snowstorm. Not because you caught a cold.”

He sniffles and frowns, ready to berate himself, ready to bear the fault, but she hushes him with a finger pressed on his soft lips and continues, smiling sweetly, albeit a bit weakly due to the fever: “Solas, ma vhenan. It’s not your fault. Alright?”

He hesitates for a long while, then he begrudgingly nods and asks timidly: “What do you need? Tell me and I will bring it to you, even if it is in the Black City itself.”

She giggles, touched by his melodramatic concern, which is endearing and adorable, but then a coughing fit shakes her body and the panic in Solas’ eyes turn into full despair, as if he never heard anyone cough before, despite all the sick refugees they saw during their travels.

“Scarlet!” he exclaims, grasping her right hand and squeezing it tightly, so much it almost hurts. “I will go call the healer!” He jumps out of the bed, without even glancing at his clothes neatly folded on the couch next to hers, ready to dash out of the room with his night shirt and pants, the comfortable ones she sewed for him.

“Wait!” she manages to croak out and he immediately goes back to her, cupping her cheek and taking her hand again. She nods at the pitcher of water on the small table near the couch and asks timidly: “Could you get me some water, please? I’m parched.”

“Of course.”

He runs to the table and comes back to the bed in less than five seconds, filling a cup with water and handing it gently to her. He caresses her hair as she drinks it and when she’s finished, she smiles at him and says: “Thank you.”

“Do you need anything else?” He kisses her and she makes an alarmed sound, looking at him with outrage.

“Solas! I don’t want you to get sick again!”

“Hush.” He smiles and brushes back her hair from her sweaty forehead. “Can I bring you something else? Food, more pillows?” His eyes widen and he quickly gets up, heading to the small storeroom where they keep their spare sheets, a broom, and the mannequin Scarlet uses to sew.

He comes back with a pile of blanket in his arms and he sets them all around her in what looks like a strategic plan, all in different points of the bed, ensuring no draft can touch her, that all her feverish skin is adequately protected.

“Oh, Solas.” she sighs fondly, looking at him with a sweet, patient smile. He also brought some furs and their bed looks like the den of a wolf, now. She can’t deny it’s marvelously cozy and warm, but her fever is making her sweat a lot and she longs for some kind of comforting cold.

“You must sweat to lower your fever as quickly as possible.” Solas says with a stern look before she can protest, already recognizing the pout on her face. He reminds her of Keeper Deshanna for a second. “I know how this works, now!”

“Fine. I’ll stay among the hot furs.” she gives in, smiling at him again, and he smiles, too, a bit relieved. Then he shows her something else he retrieved, a clean, large handkerchief, and he presses it against her nose, saying gently: “Blow, vhenan.”

She does so and he taps her nose with the handkerchief after she’s done. Then he kisses her again, making her groan in defeat, and looks for another cloth to put on her forehead.

“It will lower your fever.” he says, trying to sound sure and confident, even though his panic obviously hasn’t left him yet. “Here, found it! Where’s the water?”

“Right there.” she reminds him, giggling, pointing at the pitcher he left on the dresser near the bed. “Solas, calm down. It’s just a cold.”

“You need rest. You need good, nutritious food!” he insists, wetting the cloth he found with shaky hands. “You need… You need…” He takes a deep breath and turns to her, watching her feverish, shivering form, her red-rimmed eyes, her crimson nose and pale cheeks. His lips quiver for a second, his fear and sorrow shine through his eyes, then he attempts to regain his composure and says quietly: “You shouldn’t feel like this. You don’t deserve to feel like this.”

“Oh, vhenan.” She motions him to join her in bed again. “Everyone gets sick. It’s perfectly normal, especially after falling into icy water.”

“No, it is not.” He sits on the bed again, laying the wet cloth on her forehead. It feels wonderfully cold on her skin and she sighs with relief. “There was a time when the elves knew no sickness, no disease, except for those caused by wrong, corrupted magic. They didn’t fall ill.”

“That was a long time ago.” she reminds him and he brushes his thumb across her kind, warm smile. “Things are different, now.” Something akin to longing flashes in her golden eyes, like it does every time he speaks of ancient Elvhenan. “I know we lost much. It would be wonderful if no more Dalish and city elves could ever fall sick again.”

He makes a low sound that sounds like a whine, a lament, and he rests his forehead against her warm chest, listening to her beating heart. His hands are on her hips, stroking the hot skin he feels through the embroidered nightgown, and his next words are almost inaudible: “It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not. But we can do nothing about it.” she comforts him, caressing his bald head, and when he raises his head again, there are tears in his eyes.

“The elves deserve more than this.” he says. “You deserve more than this.”

“Solas…” She’s getting worried, now. She knows he hides a deep pain into his heart - Cole confirmed this multiple times with his cryptic comments -, but today he looks and sounds particularly sorrowful. Is it because he saw her being sick? Now that she thinks about it, she’s been badly hurt before and he always reacted this way, panicked, almost desperate, as if suddenly aware of her mortality, and sad, gloomy.

“I’m sorry. Ignore this old man’s words, vhenan.” He smiles, a small, weak thing that barely lightens his eyes up and shifts the muscles of his face. “I will go call the healer.” He kisses her chest and her lips, then he gets up, covers her better with the blankets and furs, and quickly leaves the room, not caring about the night clothes he’s wearing.

He’s back just a few minutes later, basically dragging the healer by the arm and speaking quickly, repeating all the symptoms Scarlet has. Cole is with him, a silent shadow that sits next to her and takes her hand, patting it gently, like a brother would do with his sick sister.

The healer touches her throat and forehead, looks into her mouth, checks her pulse and breathing, and then candidly says: “It’s just a cold, your Worship. With the right potions and food, you’ll be up in no time.”

“What about the fever?” Solas asks, glaring at the human woman. “The ache in her throat!”

The healer arches an eyebrow, eyeing him with amusement, and replies: “Those are the most common symptoms. Her Worship will have to bear with them for a short while.”

“But magic…! A spell might help her, let me try!”

“Like it helped you when you were sick, Messere Solas?” The woman shakes her head, her dry amusement moving from her eyes to her lips, too. “Magic can heal many things, but certain sicknesses are beyond a mage’s abilities. Otherwise, the poor and miserable of Thedas wouldn’t suffer like they do.”

Solas bites his lips and looks at Scarlet, who’s half-asleep, drifting between the waking world and the Fade, with its dreams and visions which will be probably stranger than ever, now that she’s affected by the high fever.

“My magic is strong.” he murmurs, a final protest against the healer’s words, but she doesn’t even listen to him and proceeds to list all the things Scarlet must eat to get better faster, food to be requested to the cooks, potions she will personally prepare and send later.

“Thank you.” Solas quietly says as she passes next to him and leaves. He’s been watching Scarlet for the whole time and once he’s alone with her and Cole, he quickly joins them. She briefly wakes up, then, and looks up at him with a drowsy smile.

“Hello, vhenan.”

“Hello, my heart.” He smiles, too, and caresses her hair. “Rest. You need to sleep.”

She makes a low sound and cuddles into his embrace. He helps her rest her head on his chest and she fights a little, at first, not wanting him to fall sick again, but he assures he will be fine and she’s too weak and sleepy to insist.

“Will you visit me in the Fade?” she murmurs, slowly closing her eyes, and Solas presses a kiss on her brow, replying tenderly: “Always, ma sa’lath. Wait for me there.”

Only when he’s sure she is deeply asleep, Cole speaks.

“You’re scared.”

Solas nods, swallowing, his eyes fixated on Scarlet’s serene sleeping face.

“I am.”

“Wounds and cuts and burns can be healed. They are outside and just a little bit inside, visible, and magic can reach them. But fever and labored breaths are hidden, you can feel them and hear them, but the spells don’t always affect them.”

Solas nods and he rests his cheek on top of Scarlet’s head, taking a deep, shaky breath that sounds like the prelude to tears. He keeps caressing her hair, his other hand stroking her right one.

The spirit boy waits a moment, then softly continues: “It reminds you of the Blight. It’s not the same thing, but you are not used to sickness. The only one you ever saw in the old, singing world was that red, mad one found in the wounded Earth.”

“Yes.” Solas swallows again and slightly moves his head to look at Scarlet. Tears are shining in his eyes, now, and Cole repeats, softer than before: “It’s not the same thing.”

“I know.”

“She won’t die, just like you didn’t die.”

“I know.” Solas looks at him, a tear running down his cheek. “But I can’t do anything to help her. I can’t help her, I am useless. My magic is useless.”

“You can stay with her.” Cole reminds him, smiling. “That will help her.”

He nods at her, adding: “Warm, he’s so warm. A strong scent, of trees and soil, of paper and old books. She feels safe and loved. She’s dreaming the wolves.”

Solas chokes on a sob, but he’s also smiling, now, and he presses light, delicate kisses on Scarlet’s happy face.

She wakes up much later. Cole left the room when Solas fell asleep, but her vhenan is awake, now, and he’s stirring the hot soup a servant brought straight from the kitchens, prepared using the healer’s instructions.

There are flowers and various gifts on the couch, “all gifts from the others”, Solas says with a smile. Dorian, Varric, and Cassandra came to visit, but left immediately after realizing she was sleeping and they promised they would come back later.

“How do you feel?” he asks, sitting next to the bed on a chair, the bowl of soup and a spoon in his hands.

“Better. I think the fever went down a little and my throat doesn’t hurt as much as before.” She sniffs the air and looks down at her body, groaning. “Creators, I’m sweating like a sinner in a chantry!”

Solas laughs boyishly and leans down to press a loud kiss on her lips, making her blush, babble happily, but also complain: “Solas, stop it, or you will get sick again!”

“No, I won’t.” he promises, smiling lovingly and moving the spoon near her mouth. “Here, vhenan. This will make you feel better.”

He feeds her – and it makes both of them blush and smile timidly at each other -, then he helps her lie more comfortably in bed, adjusting the blankets and furs around her. He brings her all the handkerchiefs he can find in their room, then he massages her feet while narrating a short story that makes both of them laugh.

She tugs at his night clothes – which he hasn’t taken off yet – and he’s soon back at her side in bed, an open book on his lap, her head on his chest like before, listening to him read and watching his fingers turn the thin, yellow pages with care. Those same long fingers also caress her hair and cheek and he often stops reading to kiss her lips.

After half an hour, the book lies closed on the dresser and they are holding each other under the heavy blankets and pelts. Scarlet’s fever is indeed lower than before and Solas’ panic subsides, as he sees her smile and talk.

“You’re so warm, vhenan.” she suddenly says, nuzzling the space where his heart beats. “You always are, but especially here, where your heart is.”

“It’s because you are my heart.” he says, kissing her face. “As long as you are with me, I will keep living.”

She laughs and giggles – and this time that glorious sound doesn’t end with a coughing fit -, but then she looks at him with love, because he was serious and he’s looking at her in the same way, and they are both smiling.

“Let us sleep some more.” he softly says, fixing the blankets on her shoulders. “I am sure the others will make sure to let us know they are here.”

“Will you visit me in the Fade?” she asks again, their ritual, while kissing the warm space where his heart is beating fast. And he replies, holding her safe in his arms:

“Always, vhenan.”

[movedtosalamoonder]

Unforgettable ~ a Dan and Phil Fanfic [side 1a]

Imagine someone tracing back over your life and looking for the one thing that makes you stronger. The thing you couldn't live without. The thing that makes you feel smarter, braver, kinder, funnier, more you.Simply MORE than you were before.

Maybe someTHING is inaccurate. No, that should be someONE.

Imagine someone found that person in your life, and they ripped them out. I don't mean remove them physically, I mean rip them right out of your memories. Make it so you might as well have never met them.

Are you imagining it? Yes? Good. Unfortunately Dan Howell doesn't have to imagine.

Now imagine being on the other side. Imagine that the person who matters most to you in the world, your best friend, the reason you are better, has no memory of you. Imagine them trapped and terrified and confused...and there's nothing you can do about it. Well, almost nothing.

Unfortunately Phil Lester doesn't have to imagine either.

Genre: Angst, amnesia, horror

Wordcount: 1.6k

Warnings: Kidnapping, amnesia

A/N: This fanfic is a Within the Wires AU. I understand that the phandom is WAY bigger than the WTW fandom, and so the majority of people reading this won't know what Within the Wires is (it's a podcast made by the creators of Welcome to Night Vale). Soooo....go listen to Within the Wires!! Go!! It's so good and so underrated and it is incredible and creepy and heartfelt and oddly relaxing. (Oh, also, this fanfic contains spoilers for season one, so careful with that.) This fic has been a long time coming and I’m so happy to bring it to you finally ^.^

Side 1b | Side 2a | || Read it on AO3 ||

He wakes up cold and alone.

The floor beneath his fingers is smooth and slippery. Tile. His eyes burn whenever he tries to open them; the ceiling blazes with artificial light. Everything hurts. Color swim behind his eyelids.

He tries to speak, but no words will come to him and his throat contracts painfully. For a terrifying moment his mind goes blank and he simply gropes for something, anything, to hold on to. The fear propels him to his feet and as he stands, a rush of information in the form of images and emotions and an overwhelming panic washes over him.

Dan. His name is Daniel James Howell, and he makes Youtube videos, and he lives in a flat in London with–with–

Nothing. The memory has slipped from him like sand through clenched fingers. His surroundings slowly set in: a 10x10 concrete cube with a mattress in one corner. There's a doorway to his left, a small bathroom with bare hinges where the door should be. Directly in front of him is a door with a slot in it, like for letters, a tray of what looks like high school cafeteria food on the floor, and a small package wrapped in brown paper. Another pang of fear shoots through him. Is he in jail? What has he done? He can’t remember anything except going to bed Friday night. Is it still Friday? It feels as though it has been much longer.

Dan bends down and picks up the package. There's no writing on it, but when he turns it over he finds a typed out label reading simply “For Dan”.

A new thought occurs to him. Has he been kidnapped by a fan? Oh, dear God, he hopes not. That would probably be worse than being in jail. He digs his fingernail into the corner of the packaging, trying not to think about the possibility of having been captured by some psycho subscriber.

Inside the package is a clear plastic box, the kind organized people use to store things in their bedrooms. He scrabbles at the snaps on the sides, noticing for the first time that his nails are broken and bloody.

Inside the box is an old battery powered tape recorder and ten cassette tapes. Each of the tapes have the same kind of typed label as the one that is on the package, and has a number and a letter. Dan takes the box over to the bed and collapses onto it. He wants to just lie there and go to sleep for hours, but he's afraid that if he does he’ll forget more than what he already has. He takes the first tape out of the box and slides it into the cassette player and presses play. He pulls the tray of plastic looking food over to the bed as the initial white noise begins. He figures he’ll probably need some kind of sustenance if he's going to figure out this madness.

Cassette One, Side A: Stress, Shoulders (Ocean)

Welcome to your first relaxation cassette. In these tapes I will guide you through a series of visualization exercises. These tapes will aid you in your recovery here at the Institute. When you are finished with this tape, return it to your unit nurse and fill out the accompanying survey.

Breathe in.

Breathe out. Settle yourself. Forget where you are and how you got there; focus on breathing.

Breathe in:

Feel the air fill your lungs. Feel your body rise as you absorb the oxygen, as it rushes through your bloodstream, bringing life to every tiny corner of your body. Imagine you are an ocean, and your breath is the rising tide lapping against the beaches of the world. Imagine the way hundreds of millions of grains of sand feel beneath you. Imagine reaching out...and relaxing your grip, falling back to the depths, between each bit of sand and sea smoothed boulder and broken branch of coral.

Breathe out.

In this tape we will focus on breathing. You will trust only my voice and your body, to which you are subject.

Imagine you are on a plane. You do not like planes very much. They used to be something of an adventure, holding an air of excitement and novelty when you were in your younger years that has long since worn off. You have been on far too many planes now.

You have made your way through security half asleep, a travel coffee mug clenched too tight in your right hand. The coffee is scalding, but your mind is too busy to remember the last time you placed the rim against your lips, and so your tongue is numb and sore by the time your bags have been rifled through and your body wanded over.

You keep looking across the space of the airport, too big to be called “room” in your head. There is nothing to see, nothing but people and suitcases and scratched plastic chairs, but you feel as though you’ve lost something. You’ve lost something, and you have to keep looking for it.

Much like the coffee, it is something that won’t quite register in your hazy, before-ten-am mind. He’s not lost, you tell yourself. You do not have to look for him.

Still, your eyes wander across the terminal until they snag on a familiar figure, and then wander back lazily to the conveyor belt until they are drawn back across the space again.

The figure notices you looking, but pretends not to. He always does. He knows you want no further reminder of your need to cling to familiar objects, familiar faces, of your hatred of airport terminals with their heavy chemical air and too bright lights and barking security guards.

There’s some small holdup, some tiny detail of protocol that causes one of the officers to exhale through her nose unhappily and leave you fidgeting uncomfortably, sweating under the lights. You don’t know what to do with your hands. Your limbs are long and awkward and seem stitched onto your body, like an ill made measurement for a marionette with its strings left loose. You shove your hands deep into the pockets of your skinny jeans, scrunching your fingers against the thin lining of lint that’s collected in them.

“Just a minute,” the security guard calls in a clipped voice, and you nod. Your head feels disconnected from your body, the sharp movement somehow separate from your consciousness. The lights are hot and bright. You blink, trying to clear the spots from your eyes. Lint gathers under your fingernails and you hear the person behind you huff impatiently. The space is too hot, and too cold. Your skin films with sweat and the coffee mug comes automatically to your chapped lips.

There’s a sudden warmth on your left shoulder, a slight weight that hovers tentatively above your collarbone and the beginning of your shoulder blade. It anchors you, the gentle heat unknotting the nerves coiled in your upper body.

“Just a little while longer,” says the voice that belongs to the hand which has attached itself to your shoulder, and unlike in the security guard’s previous announcement, your ears are able to detect genuine concern for you. The presence stays slightly below and behind your shoulder, close enough for you to sense.

You do not turn around, but you place your hand briefly on top of the other. The swirling galaxies of your fingerprints read wrinkled knuckles, infinitesimally small lines of the keratin of a nail, the softness of skin made so much more obvious because it is not your own, all in the few seconds that you allow your hand to linger. Enough to lock in an unspoken message; don’t leave me.

So the hand stays, even when the security guard finally returns with your suitcase and it is time to leave, even though you no longer have to worry about the disgruntled woman behind you or the uncomfortable limbo of standing still in a place that is meant only for movement.

A minute later and there is simply an arm around your shoulder, and so you lug the suitcase behind you with one arm, even though it’s heavy. You wait in line like that, the quiet presence beside you instead of behind you, all your anxieties and tangled knot of worries unraveled and smoothed out like a ball of yarn, pushed along by a curious cat until the whole thing lies complicated but flat and still against a clean floor.

You board the plane and fall asleep, despite the caffeine feebly pushing at your consciousness, and when your head lolls over onto his shoulder he does not say anything, even though he can hardly move for the couple hours. He does not mind, because to him your comfort and security are much more important than his ability to move his arm.

(Here the voice pauses, and Dan could hear whoever was speaking draw a deep breath.)

Breathe.

We got away from the breathing, didn’t we? Breathe in. Imagine watching the ground drop away from you as sleep tugs at your eyelids, imagine somehow feeling as calm as though you are still tethered to the ground, because there is a well known hand on your shoulder. Imagine looking outside and thinking that you can almost see well enough to barely comprehend the slightest curve of Earth, how truly enormous it is.

Breathe out.

You are asleep now; you are safe.

Well; safe has many meanings. You are not whole, but for now no further risk will come to you than what already has. I do not mean to alarm you. We will work on you being whole again. It is very important that you remain calm.

Remaining calm is extremely important to your continued safety and eventual...release. The institute does not wish to harm you. Continue to practice your relaxation exercises, and your release will occur much sooner.

END SIDE A.

Side 1b 

[throwitawayokay]

This is confusing. A lot of your favorite fandom creators, out of nowhere, are being accused of endangering minors and others for making n*fw content or following/being-friends-with people who do; that is a serious claim, and a frightening one, and no one would say such a thing if they weren’t 100% sure they were correct about it, right? After all, to say something about someone is an awful thing to say, and needs proof and reason, or else it is libel and grounds for a defamation lawsuit and would, morally, be an absolutely terrible thing to accuse a person of if it was not true.

Obviously, they must have reason. Obviously, these accusations are founded and must eventually prove to be true, even if they cannot now, or maybe they can, maybe the accusations would hold up in a court of law, but for some reason the same people making these accusations... won’t come out directly and accuse these people and don’t have any evidence besides what they ‘think’ this other person is thinking.

Someone has made an argument, somewhere, that writing n*fw of aged up minor characters in atla is predatory behavior and endangering to minors. Is it?

1. Is it legal?

  Easy answer, yes. It’s legal. By definition it is p*rn of adult characters, regardless of where it originates. None of it is on tumblr, where it would not be allowed, but instead on a web site where it is clearly tagged and behind an age limit. In fact, this argument would be laughed out of court. Because no law is protecting the n*fw depictions of fictional characters, who are not real, regardless of age, besides potentially copyright.

If the stories are about underage fictional characters? It still, at least by USofA law, still not illegal. Yes. That’s correct. Stories depicting underage fictional characters in s*xual situations does not follow under the definition of child p*rn and is allowed in publication and law. To see proof of that, besides reading the actual law which you are free to do, simply note the fact that Stephen King’s It is not only still in print but recently had two film adaptations.

So that, would in fact, be allowed; however what is being called into question is depicting adult fictional characters in n*fw situations. A completely different thing that is, actually, very different from the other. But, to simply answer the question of legality, it’s all legal.

2. When is it endangering to minors?

  This content can, in fact, be endangering to minors when they are exposed to it either without warning, in a search, or if they are sent this content by another person. Ways that this could happen are if n*fw images appear google searches (where such content can be reported and taken down) or if n*fw writing is not properly tagged or accompanied by archive warnings (posted on ffnet for example or not properly rated on ao3). If this is happening, it is a good idea to go to the website to report it properly, or have someone contact the artist/author about the lack of tagging - the content itself is irregardless, the problem that exists here is the lack of warning.

N*fw art is also not allowed by the tumblr guidelines; feel free to report it if seen. Please, however, take a step back to remember than an image of a person in their underwear is not, in fact, p*rnography. If you’ve ever walked past a billboard for a clothing company or seen a Victoria’s Secret catalogue you should know this. There is, in fact, an actual parameter for what sets apart sfw and n*fw.

If this content, however, has been properly tagged and is behind a proper age limit, with warnings and the like, it is not endangering toward minors. Clicking on a n*fw art or writing with clear warnings for what it is does not make the creator of that content responsible; a p*rn star is not responsible for endangering minors if a minor answers falsely to a website agreement stating they are 18 and views their content. The responsibility lies with the minor as well as the guardians of that minor for not teaching them how to responsibly search the internet and recognize what they should or should not be viewing.

If you are not mature enough to recognize this, you should not be online.

3. But I disagree?

  You are within your rights to have a difference of opinion or feel uncomfortable if a person posts links to their n*fw content, or mentions that they make n*fw content. In fact, n*fw content makes many people uncomfortable. There are many ways to avoid seeing this.

First, go to the filter on your blog and filter all n*fw related tags you can think of. Next, block the blogs you do not personally like; feel free to block as many blogs, for any reason, that you like. This is absolutely fine and no explanation is needed. If you feel uncomfortable having your blog followed by any adults at all, you can also take steps to make the blog unsearchable and only follow as few people as you like.

What you should not do is harass people for making content that you personally do not like. This includes n*fw content. Making such incredibly serious claims as to state someone is a predator who endangers minors for making n*fw content in your fandom is unfounded, dangerous, and entirely irresponsible. Adults participating in this rhetoric need to take a very good look at themselves, and minors who have been experiencing anxiety as a result of this claim, I am very sorry.

4. What was the aunt-suki thing?

  Where did this whole thing start? No one was making this point only a few months ago, did it just pop up out of nowhere?

^ this blog, since deleted [also goes formerly by tumble-dump (now lil-baby-man) as well as jetru(deleted) safe-for-atla, and dennis-quaid] spearheaded this opinion after accusing one of the largest creators in the fandom, an adult doc (relevant later), of endangering minors for an image posted to tumblr with possible suggestive themes (Tumblr does not allow n*fw art, it was not n*fw). Aunt-Suki is a 23 year old, self-described “titanium white” woman. She stated directly that anyone who posted n*fw content behind age limit barriers was predatory and that n*fw artwork of atla characters was rampant on this website without evidence.

After curating a blocklist, and admittedly receiving hate for doing so (despite oddly enough asking for anon hate on several occasions) aunt-suki did in fact create a first draft blocklist including fandom creators who make n*fw content, who are follow or are friends with those who make nsfw content despite not doing it themselves, and people who specifically asked her to be on the blocklist. This, in itself, was fine. A list of creators making n*fw content could, in fact, be helpful and good for those who do not want to see such content to have a handy resource of who to block and avoid. Unfortunately, the rhetoric of “they are all predators” was something aunt-suki fostered and continued to repeat, getting a lot of people to also feel the same way. This invited harassment, much of which directly done and targeted at others by aunt-suki. She repeatedly stated on her blog ‘I am safe, no one else is unless I say so, in order to keep yourself safe you must ask me who is bad [paraphrase, not direct quote]’ insisting that anyone who wished to know who was a predator on the website had to privately DM her for the information. Aunt-Suki used this to gain followers of minors and to specifically foster friendships with them.

We know this because aunt-suki made a post exposing herself. An anon asked her to defend the way she interacted with minors and she defended herself with phrases such as “I love kids so much more than grown ups”[quote], stating she runs a server of 13+ wlw and they all “care a lot about each other”; she also admitted she takes it upon herself to “expose kids to [heavy topics]” including race, sexism, queer issues, mental health, politics, etc. Aunt-Suki is not a trained professional for these issues and admits in the same post that she does not understand how there could be any difference in power dynamics between her and these teenagers.

In addition, while defending these close relationships with minors that she specifically admits to reaching out for, Aunt-Suki also divulged her past at 18 years old of saying the n-word (excused by explaining she has a black friend); somehow stating that this is the reason why she should, as a 23 year old white adult, be allowed to discuss “heavy topics” with minors.

This most certainly calls into question the fact that it was, with one exception, non-white creators that aunt-suki chose to publicly call out by name.

After being asked to defend herself for these actions she admitted to, Aunt-Suki deleted her blog but has continued to go online on her others blogs and discords, dm’ing others and making posts accusing people who called her out of being predators, asking for sympathy, blaming her actions on her adhd, and refusing to answer any of the messages sent to her. Other large creators have made posts about this, very rarely using her name to allow her some anonymity or time to explain her actions, which she has not done. She choose instead to send anonymous messages further accusing these creators.

5. Why did you tell me that?

  This directly illustrates the problem with presenting an issue such as n*fw art/writing in the fandom without pointing out why others might disagree with it; and jumping past logic to decry those who don’t agree with extremely serious accusations. Someone with actual ill (or misguided) attentions may take advantage, deliberately isolating minors and portraying themselves as ‘good and safe’ while slowly whittling down who the minors can and cannot follow until no one able to call them out when they are the one participating in actual behavior that is inappropriate to minors.

6. I still don’t agree with the first points.

  That’s fine. Please call out actual predators if you see them. Do not, however, do so without any evidence or for reasons that simply are not, and never would be, considered basis for doing so in any legal or reasonable capacity.

[thefloatingstone]

FNAF and the nature of fear

Despite never having played the games myself (because I don’t have the mental fortitude) I’ve watched so many Let’s Plays and although it probably is obvious by now, I think I’ve finally got a good idea why Five Nights of Freddy’s works on the fear level and why the newer games are not hitting that note as well. And no, It’s not because “jump scares” and no, it’s not entirely the  “lore” either. (although the lore doesn’t hurt. tbh)

Yes, the ingredients that work are visuals, the animatronic designs, the sound design and the anticipation of the jumpcares (not the jumpscares themselves) but I think what the original games had going for them was;

1: the inability to move. Now I’ve heard people say when the 4th one came out “Oh good! I’ve been dying to move in these games for years!” but here’s the thing. When you play a PC game, you are sitting at your desk, staring at a screen. So playing a character essentially sitting at a secuirity office desk, checking cameras, creates a better association to put yourself in the environment of the game because you are physically doing what the character is doing. Once you start moving around in the game, it removes that sense of being within the events.

2: the believability of the environment. In the first game, you’re in a Pizzaria. It looks like a pizzaria, it’s the size of a pizzaria, the rooms are laid out like a pizzaria. The second game is immediately where this starts falling apart and the games never really managed to recapture that. With each game, the enviornements become more and more fantastical and fake. “But what about game 4?? It’s a bedroom! That’s believable!” Yes, but is it YOUR bedroom? Does it resemble your bedroom that you have in real life? Is it set up with the same furniture? Is it laid out the same way? Because unless it’s a complete re-creation of the game’s bedroom, then there’s no way your brain is going to put itself in the mindset that this is a “real” location. You don’t live in a pizzaria (presumably) but you have probably been to several pizza restaurants. All with different layouts and designs. So it’s easier to believe the first game’s location to a fake bedroom being “your’s”

3: the believability of the animatronic designs. In the first game, they LOOK like animatronics we’ve seen at pizzarias or Disneyland or arcades or any number of places. There is something noticeably “off” about their expressions but that’s more in their posing than the designs. They still look very much like animatronics that could really exist. In the second game, you have the “toy” versions and immediately all bets are off. They’re too slick. too streamlined to resemble real animatronics for kids’ entertainment. They’re “too well made”. In the third one, Springtrap DOES better resemble a rotting animatronic, but unfortunately, because most of us have experiences with working animatronics in real life more than rotting ones, there’s a disconnect there. Also, the “horror” atmosphere of the third game minimises the effect. Springtrap starts blurring into the background. The 4th game’s designs are ridiculous. And the 5th game’s designs are WAY too complex and complicated to resemble any kid of reality at all.

4: the lack of movement. The further the games went, the more we saw the animatroics move. This is actually a bad thing. Did you ever see that “creepy Watson” video on youtube? (if not. Check it out. it’s amazing.) the game creators needed Watson to follow Holmes around, but they hadn’t animated or programmed a walk cycle for him. So they merely had him teleport behind you, ALWAYS behind you, the second he slipped out of your peripheral vision. And even though Watson in the game is your partner and does no harm to you in the game, he becomes TERRIFYING. Because you NEVER see him move. You see him move when he’s in front of you, but you can never catch him in transition. And you can look at him, look away quickly and look back and he’d still be where he was. But once he slips juuuuust far enough out of your vision, he changes position. that’s CREEPY. And it’s what makes the animatronics work. We never see them move, and it gives the sense that we don’t even really know HOW they move. Because we only ever see them stationary.  Standing around, staring at the camera. In the second game we see them get slowly closer in the hallway, but we know it’s because they’re walking. We see them crouched next to the vent so we know they’re crawling in there. We see them slide across the screen while wearing the mask so we know they’re moving. The unsettling nature is removed, because although we don’t physically see them move, our brains fill in the blanks better based on posing and the movement we DO see. And from the 3rd game on we just see them move wholesale. The inclusion of movement is actually a subtractor as far as the uncanny valley goes and the fear it instills in us. It makes it less creepy because we can better understand it.

5: K.I.S.S. (keep it Simple, Stupid.) So what is the “lore” of the first game? There was someone working at Freddy’s who, presumably, murdered a child at the store location and stuffed their body into an inactive suit to hide the evidence. Now none of the animatronics are working right. It’s based partially on a real life event, where a Chuck. E. Cheese employee was fired, came back after hours, and murdered 5 employees cleaning up for the night. THAT is scary. It’s an event we can process. A crazed wacko kills a child, tries to hide the evidence, and it happens at a location. We throw in a weird supernatural twist that “now the animatronics are acting weird” that’s CREEPY.

Now... what’s the lore of the other games?

Erm... well there’s this guy who worked at Freddy’s who killed a bunch of kids and hid them in animatronic suits, and then the ghost of the first kid gave them all life so they could be haunted suits so they want revenge on the security guard because he’s the one who killed them so the security guard came back after the place was closed down so he could further hide the evidence by destroying the animatronics but then the ghost children chased him down so he climbed into a suit and was killed himself so then HE became a haunted animatronic suit and also there’s a kid who’s like in a hopsital because he got hurt at the pizzaria and he’s having like nightmares or is in a come or something and then there’s like this dude who builds these animatronics and he made one that can make ice cream but it killed his daughter at a party by accident and nobody can figure out why or how it happened and she is like a ghost although we don’t really know why and now she wants to use the security guard so she can possess him to free herself of her animatronic body so she can walk around in the real world as a skinwalker to achieve.... something?

.......

The simpler story, based on a real event, of a child murderer and the possibility of ghosts (not the absolute proof of ghosts either I might add. That came in the later games) is scary because it is simple, and it is something far closer to something that COULD really happen (and in some ways DID happen) and the supernatural element is just downplayed enough to make us uncomfortable. There’s no “mystery”. There is vagueness, but no big puzzle to unsolve. It’s a situation that’s very dirty, ugly, and sadly very close to reality.

The other games are about ghosts and revenge and skinwalkers and evil robots and comas and I can’t even remember all of it.

And the fact of the matter is, the story closer to reality is the one I find more unnerving (even with the supernatural element which some people will definitely say kinda takes them out of it, which I can understand. Ghosts don’t do it for everyone.) The “lore” afterwards is so bloated and there’s so much of it that it becomes a fantasy. And although it makes it more “interesting” to theorise and pick over and try to piece together, it also means it makes it less relateable and therefore less scary.

It’s the difference between Silent Hill: Downpour being inspired by The Walking Dead, The Fugitive and The Shawshank Redemption,

And the Original Silent Hill and Silent Hill 2 being inspired by Centralia, Pennsylvanian. A real place that still exists (although most of the buildings are gone now) and is still ill-advised to be visited by tourists. (although people go there anyway because.... Silent Hill.)

You know what I mean?

-

I actually deeply admire Scott as a creator. He’s someone who got a LOT of criticism for a game made for kids, and which was called “creepy” and “weird” which really upset him for a while. But instead of whining, he decided “ok, you think these characters look creepy? I’ll SHOW you creepy!” and then made sooooo much money. Like, that’s amazing!! We should ALL have that insight and courage in what we create!

I do feel the FNAF games have lost sight of what the core ingredients were that made them as effective as they are; but this is by no means a post calling them “bad” or insulting Scott himself. He deserves all the praise in the world.

I was just thinking this over while watching a let’s Play, and as always, analysing why something did or did not work for me. And when I realised the “you’re sitting in a chair just like the MC” thing, I felt I’d hit on something and decided to jot it down here. Maybe everyone already knew these things and it’s super obvious, but hey. I just like figuring out how stories/settings/enviornments work or don’t work as well. And I’d been wondering for a while why the new games don’t creep me out as someone just watching and not playing.

because the first game really DOES scare the fuck out of me just as an audience member not playing it myself.

[jira-chii]

Reflection on Devotion

Hello my sister finally convinced me to watch a play-through of Devotion, a Taiwanese horror game with absolutely stellar visual storytelling.

I don't normally enjoy horror games but I made an exception for Devotion, because I had previously seen Detention (the other game by Red Candle), and I loved it. However it completely blew my mind how much better Devotion was, visually and conceptually. Like, I legit did not think they would have been able to top Detention. And they did. And it was so impressive I had to write about it. So here we are.

The first half of this post will be spoiler-free, because I definitely don't want to spoil this game. Unfortunately, Devotion was taken off Steam for (imo really dumb) political reasons but I highly recommend seeing a play-through of it or something, because I seriously want everyone to experience its story before reading this.

I have no qualms about spoiling Detention though so we'll start from there. (They're not really spoilers though, because it's been a while and I don't remember most of the details).

One of the things I remember loving about Detention was the integration of the school setting with the personal family setting. At one point we are suddenly dragged into a representation of the main character's house, making the fear feel uncomfortably close. I loved this because the game was now able to mix the “familiar” with the surreal, in an even more effective manner than with the school. Furthermore, it gave us new insights into the main character by showing us facets of their life from a new and more empathetic perspective.

And now we have a game completely “devoted” to this concept. Hooray.

Devotion (and Detention to a lesser extent), uses an unconventional type of horror in that it relies less on jump scares and shocking, gory scenarios, and more on atmosphere and a mysterious story. This subtle type of horror is more typically seen in Asian countries than Western ones, and the result is that immediately, it might not feel as heart-poundingly terrifying, but it leaves you with very disturbing thoughts, that get scarier the more you think about them, and don't leave your mind for a very, very long time.

I'm gonna say it now but Devotion is 10x more scary if you're an Asian with traditional family values, because the situations are so relatable.

The game revolves around a family of three. Using limited settings and a limited amount of characters, the storytelling feels compact yet at the same time is able to delve into multiple perspectives.

The other cool thing is that Devotion's horror is not an external, unknown threat. It is about a series of events, that permeate every aspect of gameplay, but by the end there are relatively few mysteries. That said, at one point it becomes very clear what happened. But we can't do anything about it. Which is terrifying and possibly all too relatable for some people.

There are waaay too many elements to analyse in this game, so I'm going to narrow it down by focusing on one idea, namely the one of Family. This also gives me a chance to talk about all three of my favourite scenes in the game:

The Arowana fish tank

The Storybook scene

Reducing stress with marbles

*SPOILERS* start here if it wasn't obvious.

The game's title screen shows the three main characters in a family portrait. Father and husband Du Feng Yu is a screenplay writer, his wife Gong Li Fang is a retired singer-turned movie actress, and their daughter Mei Xin wants to grow up to be a superstar just like mum.

The picture hangs above the living room sofa opposite the TV, and that space is like the embodiment of all the values of the dad, Feng Yu. Interestingly, this title screen image is taken from the perspective of Mei Xin's bedroom, and seems to mirror a scene in the game where she peeks at you from said bedroom.

Anyway my point is the title screen very clearly shows that family is the focus of the game. So I'm going to talk about each of the family members.

Mei Xin is definitely the character I relate to the most. She constantly pops up in the game, and is represented by a doll, which is the perfect symbol because even though she looks creepy to the player, she actually won't hurt you, and is more manipulated by the people around her than anything else.

Mei Xin is in fact powerless to do anything on her own, a concept which is taken to its literal limits in the fish tank scene where you actually have to press the buttons to make her move. From the arowana’s perspective, we see Mei Xin going about her day, revealing things to the fish she wouldn't dare reveal to her parents. As a fish in a tank, you also get a good feel for how trapped Mei Xin feels, being unable to go to school, and even being denied her promised trip to Alishan.

Mei Xin hates being in the house and she hates taking her medicine. It doesn't seem fair that she has to listen to her parents when they lied to her. She ends up dumping the medicine in the fish tank, and as we look up, we see the deadly pills slowly fall toward us. Unable to escape, the fish can only watch as death approaches, which is a metaphorical foreshadowing of Mei Xin's fate as well.

Can I also just mention, Feng Yu bought that fish to bring the family prosperity and fortune, so it's super ironic that Mei Xin was the one who killed it. It's a really neat metaphor for the relationship between the father and daughter. Feng Yu thinks spending more money will fix the family but materialistic goods could never be a substitute for real affection.

Mei Xin is probably the biggest victim in the feud between her father and mother. It is heartbreaking to see her inner thoughts in her journal. Though it is not explicitly stated, it is not hard to see how she herself might feel guilty about her parents’ fighting. After all, their financial situation is partly due to her father doing everything he can to cure her illness. I appreciate the marble scene in making Mei Xin's anxiety apparent. If you don't use the marbles to distract Mei Xin, huge mouths begin to overlap the screen and her vision becomes more chaotic, making it very obvious that the source of her stress is her parents fighting. Here I also have to commend the superb voice acting. Listening to the parents arguing in the background very near gave me PTSD as they sounded so similar to my own parents.

As mentioned before, it is ironic that, even though both parents are doing everything they can to help their daughter out of love and devotion, they don't realise the thing she truly needs is their physical presence. That's why the storybook scene absolutely killed me.

In a rare moment of genuine father-daughter interaction, we get to experience reading Mei Xin's favourite book. Literally. First of all, I love this scene because of the visuals. We go inside the storybook and the way they've created this huge change in tone is incredibly imaginative and a welcome break from the creepy apartment we've been trapped in the whole time. Perhaps in a similar way, this is how Mei Xin escapes her depressing reality too.

So on top of having nice visuals, and a semi- decent story, this scene is important because it actually shows Mei Xin and her father having quality time together. And it even emphasises their bond by having us experience the changes Mei Xin makes to the book as a result of the conversations she has with her father, which is really cute and sweet but also just the best way of showing why this book is her “favourite”. Towards the end, we find out the book's core message is about the love a daughter has for her father, and the lengths she will go to because of that love. Plus that extra touch with the tulips at the end is just breathtakingly beautiful, a huge contrast to almost everything else in this horror game.

I have heard a theory that the true meaning of devotion in this game isn't that of Feng Yu’s devotion to his daughter, but of Mei Xin's devotion to her father. The hint is in the lyrics of the song she performs, Lady of the Pier, which was also her mother's debut song. I guess that's the beauty of a title like this. There can be so many different interpretations and the creators really maximise the possibilities of each.

As an added bonus, Mei Xin means beautiful heart.

Gong Li Fang is probably the most underappreciated character in this game. I honestly have so much respect for her. It took courage to sacrifice everything she had built up to become a housewife and support the family. That's her devotion to her family. But when everything goes pear shaped suddenly everything also seems to conspire against her. The message she gets from her own mother is particularly scarring. Li Fang wants to leave the relationship but her mother tells her not to. Instead of supporting her own daughter's wellbeing, Li Fang's mother wants her to grin and bear it in order to save face. This was, of course, the norm in the 80s, but it is still painful to see a once highly successful woman struggle against the patriarchy.

Another scene that really gets me is the welcoming ceremony? I forget the name. There is a list we find, of strict instructions regarding the mountain load of things the wife had to prepare before guests arrived for what was essentially a housewarming party. Sometimes the superstitions really go overboard. Could you imagine going from a famous movie star to that? Li Fang is portrayed as a demon in the game, but honestly I don't blame her. Du thinks she is possessed, but truthfully he is just blind to what she really needs.

The elevator scene shows this best I think. Following what is possibly the most frightening chase scene in the entire game, we enter the elevator. As the doors close, Li Fang's demonic face has changed to one showing her loss and desperation, as she lays pitifully on the floor, watching helplessly as the doors close in her face. Maybe she was actually looking to us for help, but instead we ran from her.

As we stew alone uncomfortably with that knowledge in the claustrophobic space, we hear the radio. Li Fang has decided to return to her career. Naturally the radio announcer asks about this news in relation to how her husband reacted.

Coming out of the elevator, look behind and we see her in the moment she gathers the courage to leave. Her silhouette against the elevator light is ethereal and beautiful. Wearing the qi pao her husband hated, she walks step by elegant step away from the household that has caused her so much pain. Her stance implies she is defiant and confident, but of course that's because we never see her face.

Li Fang leaving has huge ramifications for the rest of the family, and I bet it definitely created a heap of problems for herself. Leaving her husband will basically be seen as a scandal and her career going forward is going to be rocky. Oh, also she'll probably be disowned by her family. Plus she never sees her daughter again. But in that moment I just felt so proud of her.

Du Feng Yu is the main perspective the story is told through. The core concept around him is blindness. Near the start of the game, graffitied onto the wall outside the apartment is a sentence: why are you closing your eyes? Incidentally, my sister at this moment was covering her eyes to avoid any jumpscares. I now know this message had a far deeper meaning.

The disjointed way Feng Yu sees things as he pieces together all the things in the past that culminated in the tragic present makes a great premise for horror. Things like people knocking on doors, hospital beds, sudden phone calls, and even a huge bath of red liquid are eventually all explained through the story.

In my opinion, psychological horror honestly makes for the best horror. It is eerily surreal when the realistic setting of the apartment is overlaid with mental representations of people and events. Even worse when they move.

The repetitive setting also means when we see something other than their apartment, it leaves a lasting impression. For me that was the bath scene, which became worse when I thought back after the end of the game and realised we basically experienced what Mei Xin did...

Each of the family members is tragic in their own way. Mei Xin because she dies without being able to do anything. Li Fang because she is forced to choose between herself and her family. And Feng Yu because he basically did the opposite to Li Fang. He continued to hurt himself, sacrificing himself financially and spiritually. He only wants the best for his child, but is unaware he's going about it the wrong way. He was too stubborn and self absorbed in his own worries to see the other factors tearing the family apart. And I don't blame him. It's not easy for him either. As the man of the house he is expected to hold it together. His wife gave up her career so he is the sole breadwinner. The pressure must be intense. The sad thing is situations like these are all too common.

Finally I kind of want to list some of the reasons I personally find this game so relatable. If you have zero interest in my life, feel free to skip the rest, and also thank you for reading up to now.

The size of the following list probably explains why the game resonated so strongly with me. I will admit first off that I am not Taiwanese and I have not been brought up in the most traditional Asian household. A lot of these similarities are also pure coincidences. That said, this kind of horror capitalises on the player’s familiarity with the setting, and I hope these vignettes of my own experiences help to convey just what that means for me. Because of course it’s terrifying when you realise just how similar your own family is to the main characters in a horror game. 

Devotion starts with the family portrait title screen. This probably isn’t a Asian-only thing but we also have one. It’s hung in the dining room. Asian families love taking family photos. There are even special studios just for it. I appreciate the game drawing a link to the importance of photos and memories using the camera. Incidentally, my dad also used to be a photographer. But he only knows how to use the old ones with film. Digital cameras sadden him.

All Asian kids play the piano. Unfortunately, unlike Mei Xin I have no fond memories of our piano at all. Barely anyone plays it now and it’s basically just a status symbol at this point (it’s a grand piano).

On that note, I would like to make it clear we are not a rich family, but Dad loves giving off the appearance that we are. Grand piano, chandelier, and most recently, a finger print scanner for our front door. What a waste of money, all for the sake of maintaining face. There could be a deeper meaning to it though. Dad immigrated from a very poor part of China, so when he got the opportunity he made sure nobody would ever look down on him again.

Like Feng Yu, lately Dad is not earning much money from work. This is actually because of age though. He does physical labour and nowadays he can't take on as much as he used to. Luckily mum and I still work. That said, dad does zero housework.

Dad’s spot is also the sofa in front of the TV. He also eats dinner there. Even though we have a dining room...

We have a fish tank. For the same reason Feng Yu bought one. Having nine goldfish is supposed to bring good fortune. Except ours kept dying. Dad just bought more. But now he’s moved on to raising tropical fish? Which are even harder to keep alive?? And are more expensive??? And yes they keep dying and he keeps buying more. Omg can you imagine how much the Arowana scene triggers me.

You may have noticed by now but Dad makes the worst decisions out of all of us. But he refuses to listen to the better judgement of all four women in this household.

Can we just talk a bit about Mei Xin’s dream to be a superstar? This is an interesting departure from the stereotypical mindset that all Asian parents want their kids to be doctors or lawyers. Mei Xin’s parents definitely still push her in a similar way though, taking her to professional singing classes and whatnot. I’m glad she had supportive parents, because my parents were also supportive when I decided to major in Japanese (basically every Chinese person in their generation hate the Japanese).

I’m sick all the damn time. Apparently my mother also had a fragile body.

My aunt is divorced, and she is religious (though not very serious about it), and involved in a pyramid scheme selling supplements :( I feel for her kids. She damn near involved us in the pyramid scheme too, but luckily mum has a brain. Since the divorce, my aunt has thrown all of herself into her work and that’s basically her whole life now. Unfortunately Du Feng Yu doesn’t get that luxury.

Mum and dad actually made a promise to never divorce, even though there’s never been any love between them. Dad was guilted into a wedding because he got her pregnant, and they had to live together to get permanent residency. In the past, dad had a divorce with another woman and it really had a negative impact on his kid then (my older half sister). You really get a feel for this in the later scenes of the game, where Mei Xin misses her mum. A divorce is really not good for a kid who’s still that young. That’s why dad is determined to keep the household together this time; it's literally their devotion to us, their children, that are keeping them together.

Writing this just made me realise my dad embodies the worst of both parental figures in this game. We still love him though.

That about wraps up all my thoughts regarding this game. It got a little personal near the end but I hope this post has conveyed why this game was so impactful to me. Asian representation in media always gets me excited and I really hope Red Candle recovers soon so I can look forward to their next game.

[aion-rsa]

Jamie Delano Talks Politics, Anger and His World Without End

Jamie Delano is quite simply one of the most talented and influential comics writers of his generation. Perhaps best known as the original writer of “Hellblazer,” Delano’s run established the character of John Constantine as a solo lead, and crafted the book’s combination of political and social commentary with horror in a way that has endured in the years since.

Delano went on to write many other comics, including a long string of projects at Vertigo including “2020 Visions,” “Hell Eternal,” “Tainted” and more, accompanied by some of the best artists in the business. In recent years, Delano has stepped away from comics and focused on writing prose, which he publishes through his own Leepus Books.

One of Delano’s Vertigo projects was the miniseries “World Without End,” which he created with artist John Higgins. With the series just collected in a hardcover edition by Dover Publications, Delano looked back on the project with CBR, also discussing the novels he’s been working on in recent years, and the benefits of creative work being driven by political anger.

“World Without End” hardcover edition cover

CBR:It’s been a while since it was released, so how would you describe yours and John Higgins’ “World Without End?”

Jamie Delano: “World Without End” was, and is, a far-future fantasy, an extreme speculative fiction extrapolation of some of the more undesirable political and cultural tendencies that afflict our human psyche. Its setting is a world whose geological landscape has been long-superseded by living flesh, evolved to the point of degradation — as I think I recall — from a ‘prehistoric’ biologically engineered elite leisure resort. Bedlam, as this future is known, is peopled by the mutated descendants of the staff and guests preserved by this autonomous establishment through a catastrophic environmental degradation. The dominant culture is “masculist,” authoritarian and oppressive, but there exists — “underground” in the necrotic wastelands — a feminist resistance. Both these divergent cultures are mutated beyond the recognizable to the point of parody. The resulting conflict of “fundamentals” provides the focus for some outrageously tongue-in-cheek drama, depicted through gorgeous painted art and florid linguistic flights of fancy of a somewhat purple tint.

Brother Bones is a strange but memorable character. Where did he come from and how much of his look and his language was your idea?

Brother Bones — a genetically engineered masculist super-commando — has his genesis in an idea for a series originally destined for a proposed British anthology that (and I hope but won’t guarantee that I’m accurate here in my recollection) David Lloyd was trying, ultimately unsuccessfully, to put together. Longer story short – some time later, a high-ranking member of DC staff suggested at a party that maybe I would like to consider working on a Batman graphic novel, maybe painted by John Higgins. Somewhat arrogantly perhaps, I replied that I’d rather do an original project with John, and, as it happens, we have this thing we’d like you to consider…

Bones was kind of my sly take on a perceived adolescent-male desire for uncompromising, ultra-violent warrior “heroes.” His look was entirely of John’s imagining; I take full responsibility for his motivation and language.

I kept thinking that for comics this was a weird book, but it reminded me in some ways of this tradition of science fiction stories like Russell Hoban’s “Riddley Walker,” and people like Burroughs and Ballard and Wyndham and others. Were those the sort of books you found interesting?

Wyndham to a lesser degree, but the others mentioned can definitely be described as both of interest and influential. I read and enjoyed a lot of science/speculative fiction in my formative years, and might expand your suggestions to include such as (and in no particular order): Dick, Jose Farmer, Disch, Delaney, LeGuin, Brunner, Lessing, Moorcock, etc.

“World Without End” interior page by Jamie Delano and John Higgins

Now, you were writing “World Without End” after “Hellblazer” had become a big success, and it’s a very different book from that. Besides just wanting to do something different, what did you want to do? I assume you and John Higgins had a lot of creative freedom with the book.

We did have a lot of creative freedom; I’m very grateful for the trust – perhaps misplaced – of DC’s management of the day. Specifically, that of editor, Karen Berger.

What did I want to do with this freedom? I don’t think I really had a plan, other than to take the opportunity to indulge a penchant for building bonkers allegorical worlds and playing around with weird concepts and language. I was deeply involved in my work on “Hellblazer,” and mired in the persona of its lead. But John Constantine’s was an intense and oppressive reality to inhabit – perhaps a bit too close to my own, and he was not a totally original product of my imagination. Maybe I was a bit stir crazy. “World Without End” offered me a chance to splurge all over a blank imaginary canvas and I guess I went a bit nuts with it.

I was rereading your “Hellblazer” run earlier and I was struck by how good it is — which I always thought — but also by how political it was, and how angry it could be. A lot of creators are politically angry right now, and honestly, it’s hard writing political stories that aren’t didactic or dull. You’ve done this throughout your career, and I wondered how you’ve approached it.

For me, the two biggest incentives encouraging me to the keyboard — other than the piteous whimpering of hungry children — have been boredom and anger. Whether my fiction is fantasy or “real-world” based, it is generally powered by my existential preoccupations. Far-future flesh-scapes and the supernatural are usually co-opted by my imagination for the purpose (however tenuous) of allegory — although the intention is not didactic. Writing, for me, is a largely subconscious process. I’m not good at planning, or structuring rational moral arguments; I allow the writing process to subsume me – immerse myself in the “reality” of a story and inhabit the characters in more-or-less successful attempts to subjectively share their experience of the worlds to which I consign them. Since most of them therefore must reflect aspects of myself and my worldview, I guess maybe the politics is more organic than polemic. Others may well disagree.

I can’t speak for other writers, but I am certainly currently angry/despairing, while oddly resigned to the probably catastrophic change bearing down on our “civilization.” Politically, culturally and environmentally, we have reached a tipping point — which I have anticipated for decades — from which it is probably too late to scramble back. It remains to be seen what nature of beast crawls from the wreckage — maybe a degenerate monster; maybe a wonder of evolution. I suspect it may take a while to know for sure. I presume to offer no advice for others on how to address this situation, other than to remind them of the power of imagination — to inspire both good and ill — and to be careful what you wish for. The raw potential of revolutionary chaos relished in youth may seem less appealing in one’s dotage.

“World Without End” interior page by Jamie Delano and John Higgins

“World Without End” and “Hellblazer” aren’t the only work you did at DC/Vertigo — I first got to know your work from the mid-late 1990s like “Ghostdancing,” “Tainted,” “Batman Manbat,” “Hell Eternal,” “2020 Visions.” Is there any chance we’ll see any of these reprinted one of these years?

The rights in most of the titles you mention above remain with DC. I’d be happy to see any of them reprinted. “2020 Visions” is back in the ownership of its creators and currently without an English-language edition. We’re open to any offers to rectify that situation. Same goes for “Cruel & Unusual.” There is a chance that a new, re-colored edition of “Outlaw Nation” might eventually be forthcoming, if enough interest can be engendered. Otherwise, I have it vaguely in my mind to one day do them through my Lepus Books imprint as print-on-demand editions.

So, reading “World Without End” in this new collection, 25 years after it first came out, I’m curious what you think of it.

I haven’t re-read “World Without End” properly since it was published. I generally find it hard to revisit finished stories — uncomfortable even, in that they are products of my mental condition at a specific time of my life and, consequently, (as well the worry that I’ll be embarrassed by their ineptitude) I find the dissonance between the evoked then and now a little disconcerting. Maybe I’ll keep them by me for my accession to the eventual Dementia Home, to use as aides memoir to a past riddled by confusion. That said, I have looked through the book and found it a very pleasing production. Dover have done a fantastic job on their edition – probably some of the highest printing standards enjoyed by anything I’ve written. And John’s art certainly deserves such treatment. Let me just take a moment to thank the editors — Drew Ford and Peter Lenz — and the design team at Dover for making this excellent edition happen; and DC Comics and Karen Berger, for taking the original chance. Not forgetting top lettering by Richard Starkings and insightful afterword by Steve Bissette.

You’ve been writing prose in recent years. What have you been working on?

I took a short break from writing comics a few years ago, which somehow grew into an indefinite hiatus. It was my expectation as child that, one day, I would write novels. Realising that I was approaching sixty years of age without having made any effort to achieve this ambition, I decided maybe I should get on with it while I still had time. Much angst and procrastination ensued- but eventually I completed “Book Thirteen,” an in-no-way-autobiographical black comedy family saga, featuring a blocked “Old Writer” who’s harassed to the point of dementia by his perceived need to successfully craft a plot in which the arcs of his nearest and dearest carry them clear of calamity. When it was done I liked it, but was too shy to risk it with agents and conventional publishers, opting instead for the financially suicidal route of publishing it myself.

Since its one-title inception Lepusbooks.co.uk, has expanded its remit a little to become a small co-operative publisher-of-last-resort for a few pals with something to say and an interesting way of saying it. “LEEPUS | DIZZY” is my second novel, and a bit more “genre” than the first: file it under weird, dystopian, alternate reality, apocalypse junkie wish-fulfillment. Although sales and exposure have so far been minimal, I like the Leepus environment enough to be two-thirds through a second visit. I expect “LEEPUS | THE RIVER” to be finished and in print before the summer of 2017. Emotionally, I haven’t completely abandoned comics- but writing prose is absorbing, personally satisfying and time-consuming.

Dover’s hardcover edition of “World Without End” is now available.

The post Jamie Delano Talks Politics, Anger and His World Without End appeared first on CBR.com.

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