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musamcal · 2 years ago

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SamCal here. With another post.

Ok so, I haven’t visited tumblr in quite some time since I changed my phone, and to be fair, just let me use this website as a journal.

I’ll try to open up and be personal, but not to the point of doxxing myself or putting me, or the people I love, in danger.

I have left my YouTube channel on an indefinite hiatus. The passion I had for creating Just Dance mashups has disipated very significantly. I slowly want to try and make music mashups more than Just Dance. To be fair, there have been many things of the game that I have grown to dislike a lot, including the music selection for the game and some of the choreographies too. Not like I don’t like it anymore, but definitely not as much as before. I still love dancing either ways.

I don’t know what to do most of the time. I have terrible time management problems that stop me from doing what I love, and I procrastinate so much in order to entertain myself, feel good with myself and whatnot. I feel incredibly worried about this last quarter of my high school senior year. And there have been sometimes that I absolutely mess up on the most simple of things, or that I mishear some things from time to time, taking the piss out of my brother and parents unintentionally. Ugh. I hate it when they yell at me. I already blame myself for so much, I don’t need more guilt to carry on.

I feel like everywhere I go or every moment I am living it’s full of a pressure in the back of my head. I feel worried for so many things and sometimes I feel incapable of solving my own problems because they seem endless. I know I’m technically an adult but I just feel so lost despite knowing what I want to do in the future. I don’t know how to communicate my problems properly, and I don’t know whose’s screen this post is gonna end up. If you know who I am in real life, would you have a different idea of me because of this?

There is so much I want to put out there. So much stuff revolving around in my head that I can type down but not talk about out of social awkwardness and embarrassment. Sounds stupid, right? Me speaking about the most private of things to the people I’m supposed to love and trust the most is something I just can’t bring myself to do. I feel the way they judge me in every ‘what if?’ scenario that crosses around my head if I told them.

It feels so dividing to love people that have supported me so much yet also have said some very nasty things to me many times without considering my feelings either. I am starting to question if I’m in a verbally abusive household. I question if “abusive” is the correct term to describe the severity of the words used against me. I am questioning everything about my life at this point.

I opened up to my brother about my issues but the lack of communication was so BAD I felt absolutely unsatisfied with the way ended up concluding things. Not even I can allow myself to open up to him without feeling like I’m manipulating him. Why do I think that? Why do I not believe in my own words and feelings? I know already what solutions I should apply to most problems I have currently, but why does it feel so fake, every time I try to be sentimental? Have I conditioned myself that my feelings don’t matter, so much to the point that I have convinced myself that if people get geniuenly worried about me, I believe it’s out of pity and not love? For that, I still don’t know or have the answer.

My parents, and specially my mother, have given me so much advice and direction on what I want to do in life. I’m thankful for having parents that worry about me THAT much. I seriously do. But why does it feel that I’m actually lying to them about the things that I wish to do, only to hide from them that in my life I want to work, out of the things that I love instead? They’d laugh. They’d not believe me. They’d not understand. And it’s not like I can just simply run away. I’m still attached to them. I still love them despite of all the things they have said to me that piss me off, because no matter how many times they get angry with me, I just feel like I owe them so much. I owe them as much as I have dissapointed them too.

I said I love them, but my emotions have been so conflicting that I have started to really question if I’m saying that I love them because I HAVE to and SHOULD, or, because I really do.

Things like these would break my family’s heart. That’s why I don’t voice them. Not only that, I just know they wouldn’t believe me and would actually tell me this is an excuse for me to avoid my responsibilities. Or that’s what I imagine their reaction being like.

I don’t even know if I even love myself. I think I have never ever loved myself. I have hated myself for a multiple amount of reasons over the years, mostly over several stupid actions I did with my body before my brain thought about it even once.

I don’t know how to love myself.

I think I just want validation. But like, actual, integral validation. Not validation out of pity, but out of love and care.

It’s true that I often do good things for people without expecting anything in return. But I can’t remember what was the last time I actually hugged someone who comforted me emotionally.

I regret so many things.

I feel full of wishes and dreams in my head, yet also a very empty heart.

I don’t want to be seen as dramatic. I am afraid of people because I used to be a crybaby until middle school. I feel that showing emotion is exactly what I should avoid doing to not embarrass myself to anyone.

So many thoughts in my head.

I am definitely not ok.

I am sorry for everything I caused.

I don’t know what I will do.

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musamcal · 2 years ago

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I got canceled?

Another SamCal official post incoming! And a serious one at least.

Well, I have mentioned sometimes before that I like to write songs as a hobby. A thing of my own. These songs I write can be considered poetry too since I'm just going to write lyrics based on my experiences, and the melodies of the songs are all in my imagination, coming from the top of my head. I just keep repeating the same damn melody for so long that I end up memorizing it.

I wanted to share and open up a bit about something with this new one I have been writing. It's not full, but here's what I've written:

"Piece by piece, it starts up small, then big.

Watch, me fall, from grace into defeat.

Am I that, irredeemable?

So much that you want, to drag my face through the mud...

I'm not perfect, I'm human, I also make mistakes

I feel guilty, please forgive me, I want to make amends

Not for my own reputation, I want peace to be set.

Why would you hurt me in revenge?

Should have stayed silent

Not one word spoken

Why couldn't I shut my fucking mouth?

I am not evil

And no saint either,

Nobody bothers to understand,

If I plead guilty,

Will you be happy?

Would you be fine? Would that be enough?

What more can I do?

You don't have to do this,

I am really not who you think I am

There is no crime here,

Rules weren't broken,

Just used my mouth before thinking twice

What is the point,

Of pointing my mistakes,

out to the world, and to drag me down?

We could have fixed this,

Only us both but

No, you chose to push me to the crowd

Did I deserve this?

To let somebody

To think two wrongs make it for a right?"

That is all that I have at the moment. You could probably tell already what is this song about. The thing is, I decided to write it after I had after a personal realization of mine. There have been several times in my past where I've been trying to redeem myself and own for mistakes I made to certain people, and unironically but coincidentally, all of these people have told others, "outed" me to the world, about the bad things that I've done to more people that didn't even need to hear about this. What is more intriguing is that, if I was being the one affected, I never asked for help unless I really showed I wanted it, because I always thought that closing myself, my emotions and my heart was the right thing to do, so everyone else would not have to deal with my pain and so, they didn't have to end up worrying about me.

Story 1

One situation was when I called this female classmate a bitch two years ago (It was two classmates actually, but one of them I ended up in better terms with after the incident, and for the rest of the year). It was a slip of the tongue and I meant to say it ironically since I was kinda tired of seeing them dance jokingly but "sexily" to some vulgar music while we were in a small public park for our PE Class at the time. No doubt I made the first wrong here. But holy shit I really look back and think "The fuck did I get myself into?" That time I really followed the saying of "fuck around and find out". Remember that I said it was 2 girls that I said this to? And that with one of them I ended up in better terms with? Well the other one... A piece of work I tell you, and she was bigger POS to me than I was to her. Sure, I screwed up first (and later that day I really felt guilty and said to myself "I really shouldn't have said what I said there, but why does it feel so exaggerated? Isn't like every teen alive cussing at each other very casually nowadays? Why is this any different? Were my words uncalled for? Ok let's assume someone hurt me the same way I did to them, what would I have done? I would have felt slightly insulted since I was taught to not take those insults to heart", but holy fuck she kept on dragging that small goddamn situation for ONE year. And it's not like I was a bully or anything like that. Sure, my opinion/impression of her after the incident wasn't positive by any means, but I did never went on my way to attack her or destroy her emotionally.

And something I wished that someone could have told me before in that moment is the emotional gender difference between men and women. The fact that us men TREASURE compliments (aka take to heart) because we rarely get them, and we receive insults more often (regardless if they're light or heavy hearted), so we tend to be desensitized from them when they're said more casually, but for women it's the opposite. They take insults to heart since they rarely get them, and become desensitized to compliments most of the time because they're often told positive things about them. And I mean all of this objectively because it's true to a general overall scale, and a certain extent too ofc bc not everyone's the same but still, you get my point.

Going back to the story, the next week I asked for her forgiveness and whatnot. I really felt guilty and tried to involve the least people as possible because I was dealing with both anxiety and past victim-blaming wounds too. With the help of one of my teachers I really wanted to apologize myself to these girls in front of him. I did and even asked for the "good" girl to give me a hug because the tears ran down my cheek and I didn't want this to repeat ever again. I was reckless and stupid. It was just a slip of the tongue that really showed what I thought of them in that moment, but I never thought anything bad about them before. I used my mouth before my mind in that moment, and that was it. I messed up and later owned the guilt of it. But the guilt would still be there, because the second girl would actually make an effort to drag me down even after 1 year of that stupid mistake.

She brought it up later one day, one year later almost, during virtual class (pandemic and shit) and she mentioned it to my social studies teacher at the time. I barely remember what happened afterwards this brand new incident since I have tried to ignore it all. She told the SS teacher, he arranged a date for us both to talk it with our parents and the school psychologist, the parents-teachers convo with us happened, we tried to solve everything and no further damage was done after the whole thing happened. Everything finally calmed down. We both recognized our wrongs and while it took me a lot of strength of will to forgive this girl, I did. If things apparently didn't end last year, then I wanted to get this over with asap one year after.

Nowadays to me that one situation is confusing and blurry. I remember the pain I caused and the pained I went through. Internally I carried so much guilt, and not only from that situation, but from past mistakes I thought I could forgive myself for. That's why I resorted to fix things as quickly as possible to avoid the emotional reactions. Get this over with and move on to make everything right. That's how I slowly started to behave with the most minimal things. I became stoic and tame. I would pay no further mind to how other people were or acted unless they actually damaged me emotionally. Now all of this affected me deeply because it happened in my real life, despite me not having a physical encounter with any of these people involved so... What about online?

Story 2

This song/poem I wrote was also based on me being canceled online. Yes. Me. A normal internet user being canceled. On Twitter (of course) of all places. Not here in Tumblr but in my other social medias I have a pretty decent amount of followers. So much that now it was possible for me to be "canceled".

This second story was between me and some nonbinary mutual I had on the website. We weren't online friends or anything. But oh man, the feels. The anxiety. My poor fucking mental health.

This is basically a recap in DMs of the whole story because telling it fully from scratch is completely tiring:

Yeah, I had an issue with someone on twitter. Fucked up with one person by saying something I shouldn't have. Took my time to properly apologize while still keeping my beliefs and expectations low. Offered them time to think about this before coming back to me again since I'd understand they'd be angry with me.

They twisted my words completely and posted the private DMS to the public, ruining a bit of my online reputation aka cancelling me for hurting their feelings. And when I posted my apology people said I was doubling it down and asking them to apologize to me (which is definitely a fucking absurd statement btw) since I never asked for them to do that if I was accepting I fucked up in the first place?? People left and right just kept nitpicking parts of the situation to still make me look bad. The mistake? Apparently trying to say to someone nb that being misgendered was expected of them since they were fem-presenting and AFAB and I said to them 'well, that makes you not any less valid than a woman'. (I saw this as also 'comforting then out of a label because that didn't define truly who they are regardless of gender) Take it as how you will but I'm not in the mood for gender neutral discussion neither do I care for that at the moment. I reflected and thought 'ok maybe I DID mess up so I'll see how to apologize' but no. they just instantly labeled me as transphobic when all of this happened.

Considering this could have been solved private, it's extremely petty despite my actions. Like sure I made the first wrong here, but it's just not worth it if it doesn't impact you in a way that it changes the whole fucking trajectory of your life. This wasn't cyberbullying, harassment or grooming. This didn't cross beyond the line of what was legal nor inmoral. Maybe hurtful yes, but I made the effort to make amends and gave it a few hours or days so the other person responded back more calmly and civilly.

Even the people that pointed out the situation were like 'hey I know what this person did wasn't right but exposing them like this is not right as well' and these people with actual common sense still got doubled down for speaking the truth.

I talked like to 6 friends about this whole thing. All of them agreed that I didn't deserve this and they all saw both perspectives of the matter while I still showed empathy for whom I hurts and brought me down.

Thanks to them, and my strength of will, I didn't let myself drown in the negativity and focused instead of living normally.

Even when I showed my apology public people still got fucking mad at me for no reason like "you're stubborn, go educate yourself, grow up" et fucking cetera.

And I was like "I can't afford to care anymore. I'm not submitting to the negative comments of others. I did what I could do the most, and while I wished that I could have done more, unfortunately my life doesn't revolve around social media and twitter. I have school, family, friends, teachers, class assignments, homework, food, pets, health habits and other needs to attend" rather than what people had to say online. And they called me selfish and told me things like "you only care about yourself and your reputation eh/you're selfish". So it's selfish to apologize, move on and live my own life. Ok. Got it.

That's my queue to leave the twitter side of the Minecraft community. I honestly love watching others play the game, but I'd love to engage more into other communities in which I'm actually active as well (like music, FNF or Just Dance ones since I do content based on those 3 different things). This person happens to be friends with some Minecraft CCs I like watching so I'm staying of their YouTube comment sections and Twitch streams for a bit, regardless of what they think of me were they ever spot me online.

Also no, I'm unironically, genuinely and very much definitely not transphobic. There's a few trans people out there I do admire and like following, but not because they're trans either. People who i actually find interesting for what they do and how they are more than for who they are.

I just saw the amount of attention that fucking post got. I want to be KO'd on the head be led unconscious.

I need fucking help or some shit bc Idk how the fuck to deal with hate.

More than 100 people saw this shit. Im fucking scared to be harassed. Think it was the right call to lock my accounts but still man I feel like shit.

This was the first part of the story. Then I said this after I had a realization:

Yeah... I messed up even more and realized too late

Apparently I said 'asking you to apologize', when I actually meant 'asking you for forgiveness' instead

My dumbass stressed brain threw the word so much around in my own mind that made me seem like the person I hurt *owed* me an apology. And I was like 'the fuck? I am the one in the wrong so why would they do that?'. Then I realized my grammar mistake.

perdonar in english has two translations = apologize & forgive. Same meaning, different uses for different contexts. My brain wired itself to just use one meaning of the word without even thinking about the other one.

(For further context, yes I'm English/Spanish bilingual so even if you hear me speak fluently or redact text pieces very accurately, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M INMUNE TO MAKING ORTOGRAPHIC, GRAMMAR, VOCABULARY OR SEMANTIC MISTAKES. Also this day I was being cancelled I had some serious business to attend with my family involving our stay in the United States, which I rather won't speak about but had I let myself drown in negativity that day, I'd have ruined the errand I was in)

This last story made me learn a few new things: Never tell nonbinary people the truth and stick to theirs to appease them and make them feel good or if not they'll just throw a tantrum and make you look like the most absolute scum of the earth. Maybe it's an exaggeration, or maybe it isn't, but still, my point stands. This doesn't mean go harass nb people instead of respecting them like any other human being deserves respect.

While I talked with some LGBTQ+ friends about this thing and they told me things like "be more inclusive/be more accepting/it doesn't cost that much to respect others" and they're right, that's not what concerned me the most. Like, yeah, I know I should treat others with respect and all what I could have done was done, but the fact that many other people I was in good term with just, instead of giving me a second chance or reaching out to me they just either unfollowed me or blocked me because of what this person said. I was stressed, embarrassed, humiliated, and all those feelings that I felt from Story 1 were coming back to my gut. I wasn't about to apologize to them all individually since I never hurt them myself in the first place. Sure they can be disappointed in me but like... You can't instantly believe I'm some sort of asshole who treats everyone like this? These people are mostly from MCC The Show (which obviously, I don't mod for anymore), and knowing that some of them are from Noxcrew that probably means I have zero chance to ever make it into MCC or to be accepted in the MCC community ever again (maybe I'm exaggerating here idk). Even if the stress of the situation has dissipated a lot, the lingering anxiety of a 'what if they bring this up again' outcome is unbearable. I did talk to a couple of the ex-fellow mods who were still my friends and told them how I messed up, that I felt guilty and regretful for not shutting up and needed to destress myself after being canceled. That the amount of hate I received I couldn't deal with, so I focused on what truly matters in my life as I listed previously. One of my friends said she let herself do be drowned in the negativity, and I understood why would she felt like that. Maybe I was more strongly willed to keep my head up than she was, but I understood her sympathy too. She checked up on me and we spoke for a bit a few days after this thing went down. Our conversation was profound and I will always be thankful for her concern and approach.

Now I don't care if this person I hurt in Story 2 accepts or refuses my apology. All they did to me, stress me out, making me sink into my old sins and past errors, I have found in myself the will to give them mercy and forgive them what they did to me. Sure it wasn't deserved, but regardless, I can't hold a grudge against them forever; because if I do, I'll just grow ireful and vengeful. Hell, I even understand perfectly what does it feel to being other people down, because even I tried to do that to Trobinguy in defense of Handzy (these 2 people were creators of two different pairs of OCs of Ruv's parents, Ruv being the character from the Friday Night Funkin mod called Mid Fight Masses) since Robin hurt Handzy and I tried to step in and defend her by bringing this guy down to the public thinking I was in the right when I had no business in interfering. Weeks after this cancellation attempt both Robin and Handzy made peace with each other behind the scenes, which brought me to approach to Robin and ask for his forgiveness after I said what I said about him in negativity, with awful regret. Thankfully he accepted it and we also stayed in good terms afterwards since no further harm was meant to be.

I understand blaming others. I understand suffering the insults of others. I understand insulting others. I understand interfering rightfully. I understand interfering where I shouldn't be. I understand every damn role in these troubles and conflicts and how, when, where and why I should or should not act. I understand being the cause of other's' suffering, and being the one who suffers. And regardless of all that, even when I try to humble myself to abide to what other people want me to do in order to fix things, there's always someone willing to believe I am truly heartless and evil.

Hey, maybe I am exaggerating, maybe I am not. But I wouldn't have written all of this if I didn't feel guilt-ridden for all I did. This post in also no way of mine trying to affirm that things didn't happened, because they did and there was both causes and consequences. I do firmly believe those consequences may have not been fitting for the size of my actions, but nonetheless, something it's better than nothing. I reflected on what I did and I have moved on from it completely. If someone in the future wants to bring this up I will just show them this post.

Also this post is no reason to condone illegal/inmoral behavior or to make of them easy subjects to deal with. These are my own experiences, mistakes, errors, troubles, feelings and reflections. In no way I am condoning the same behavior to other kinds of bad actions about anyone else, which I hope I will never be the cause or victim of them anytime in the future.

#canceled #cancel culture #twitter cancel culture #samcal #twitter discourse #twitter

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