#sam fans make some noise tell me how john fucked up your boy too!!!!

[fuckspn]

sam told john "you did your best" and i whisper-screamed into the void of my empty apartment NO HE DIDN'T

[caranfindel]

Recap/review 15.20: “Carry On”

I’ll warn you right now - I did not hate it.

THEN: Chuck loses. Jack is God. The Winchesters are finally free.

NOW: Friends, get ready for a whole lot of fan service in the next few minutes. It's like TPTB have been reading everything we say and giving us what we want.

As a song about "ordinary life" plays, Dean's retro alarm clock goes off at 8:00. He shuts it off and sits up so we can see he's wearing a henley shirt (fan service points: 1). As he stretches, he's greeted by Miracle the dog (fan service points: 2)! Who is apparently his dog and definitely not Sam's!

But it's okay because LOOK AT THEM.

Meanwhile, Sam is running (fan service points: 3) and enjoying the beautiful day. When he gets home, he cooks (fan service points: 4) the same dry scrambled eggs that Stevie made for Charlie. Dean wanders in, wearing the dead guy robe, just as two slices of toast pop out of the toaster. I am not giving the robe any points because I don't think it's anything we all publicly long for and get excited about when it comes up, but I am willing to consider any opposing arguments. Sam, wearing just a t-shirt (5 points), tells Dean "it's hot" and I say mmm, yes it is. Dean adorably burns his hands on the hot toast and then brushes his teeth. You know what, I think the robe deserves a point after all. We're up to 6.

And we're not even two minutes into the episode.

And then they JUST KEEP COMING because Sam walks in, exposing his tattoo (7) because he's SHIRTLESS (8), scrubbing at his WET HAIR (9) with a towel, and I curse The Husband for deciding to watch with me because it means it would be kind of awkward to rewind and watch this a few more times. There's not even any dialog I can pretend I didn't catch.

I was NOT PREPARED FOR THIS.

He pulls on the grey v-neck t-shirt of sex (10) and proceeds to carefully make his bed. Dean, meanwhile, kind of sloppily throws his bed together and calls it done. Domestic Winchesters for 11 fan service points, please. Part of me feels like Dean's messy room is OOC, considering how proud he was to have his own room in the first place. But then I have to consider the trunk of the Impala, especially when compared to the hyper-organized neatness of her trunk when Sam's all alone in Mystery Spot, and it feels right. (Why am I thinking about Sam being all alone in Mystery Spot? NO REASON, NO REASON AT ALL.)

Sam's hair in his face while he makes his bed? Yes, please (12 points).

Dean washes the breakfast dishes (13), sneaking some leftover (because they were nasty) eggs to Miracle and looking around to make sure Sam doesn't see, because obviously Sam's going to be the one who doesn't want the dog to get table scraps. Sam put on a plaid shirt earlier, but we see him in the laundry room back down to one v-neck t-shirt (thank you Jack). He's reading as his laundry tumbles in the dryer, and he has to kick the dryer once to stop it from making noise, which I guess is why he's in there babysitting it. I keep reading on Tumblr that people want "at least one laundry scene," as if that didn't exist in The Monster at the End of This Book, but here's your laundry scene, friends. You were right to want it; it is marvelous (14).

Just look at that collection of plaid shirts and tell me it doesn't make you happy.

Dean times himself assembling a gun, complete with plenty of hand closeups (15) and then sits in the library with Miracle, scratching his ears (Miracle's, not his own) and apparently looking for a case. Sam comes in and joins them. He hasn't found anything, but Dean gets a serious look on his face and says "I got something."

Spoiler alert: It is my heart.

Title card!

The Impala pulls to a stop and the guys get out, still with serious looks on their faces. Oddly, the episode title flashes on screen really quickly. Or maybe it's just me. "Sure you're ready for this?" says Sam. "Oh, I don't have a choice," answers Dean. "This is my destiny." And that is exactly how I felt about watching this episode, friends. Not ready, but no choice. The camera pans to show that the boys are at the 43rd Annual Akron Pie Fest. In Akron, Iowa? Just north of Sioux City? Five hour drive? Say hi to Jody and the girls while you're there? Probably not. Probably in Akron, Ohio, almost 16 hours away.

(NO ONE CARES. STOP IT.)

Give me a break. This might be the last time I ever get to calculate driving time.

Anyway. Just pies! Nothing serious! Whew, I was concerned for a second. Dean is emotional.

This is just so beautiful.

Are you crying?

What? No. You're crying, I'm not.

No one is crying. There is no reason for ANYONE to cry.

Sam sits on a bench and watches happy pie eating families (sob). Dean returns with a giant box with six slices of pie (16 points). He sits next to Sam, and they have this conversation:

What's wrong?

Nothing. I'm fine.

Nah, come on, I know that face. That's Sad!Sam face.

I'm not Sad!Sam. I just. I'm thinking about Cas, you know? Jack. If they could be here.

Yeah, I know, I think about them too. You know what, that pain's not gonna go away, right? But if we don't keep living, then all that sacrifice is going to be for nothing.

Dean's right, Sam. Do not be sad. We will have no Sad!Sam tonight. Live your life, or else those sacrifices are wasted. (ahem.) Sam responds by pushing a slice of pumpkin pie into Dean's face. "I've wanted to do that for a very long time," he laughs. "You're right, I do feel better!" Dean scraping the pie off his face and eating it is pretty adorable.

I'd pay good money to lick that off his face. And not just because I love pumpkin pie.

Not quite 6 minutes in and we're up to at least 16 guaranteed bits of pure fan service. Just sweet, domestic Winchester brothers living their lives. How long has this been going on? I've decided it's been at least a year since the last episode. Maybe longer. A good long time. Lots of time for them to enjoy their newfound freedom. But right now things are getting dark. Because it's nighttime, and because I think somebody's about to die.

A mom sends two young brothers upstairs for bathtime. They pause when the doorbell rings. No one seems to be there, but then the dad is stabbed by people wearing creepy masks. The boys run into their room and hide. From their room, we hear the mom scream, and then a thump. One of the masked guys comes into the room and, after a fake-out when we think they might be safe, drags the boys out from under the bed.

So, domestic life in the bunker and then a hunt? Wow. We're getting it all. What a great episode, full of the things we love.

Is this Becky Rosen's living room?

Daytime. Agents Kripke and Singer (ugh, really? Kripke is good, but how about honoring someone other than the current regime?) show up at the scene. They learn that the dad's blood was drained, the mom is alive but her tongue was ripped out (wow), and the kids were taken. The mom drew a picture of the masks they wore, which the brothers recognize.

In a lovely, picturesque spot, the guys flip through John's journal. And I didn't realize we hadn't seen the journal in a while, but Tumblr informs me many of us were exicted to see it again, so boom. 17 points.

You know what this is? Mimes. Evil mimes.

Yeah. Or vampires.

VampMIMES. Son of a bitch!

Dean comes up with a silly portmanteau name for a monster? That will be 18 points. Sam determines the vamps will be heading for Canton if they follow their pattern, and the victims are families who live on the outskirts of town with children between the ages of five and ten. Well, that couldn't be too difficult to narrow down in a city with a population of over 70,000.

I'll handwave it. The lip biting. You’re welcome.

Night. Canton, I presume. Two masked vamps get out of a van. One of them gets decapitated by Dean. The other is shot in the leg, and then the head, by Sam. Well, he's a vampire, so of course it didn't kill him, but the bullet was soaked in dead man's blood. {Sidebar: "Soaked?" Dipped, maybe, but do you soak metal? Discuss.} They ask where the missing kids are, and the vamp is all, you're gonna let me go if I tell you? "No," Dean explains, adorably disappointed that the vamp isn't a mime after all. "This isn't a you walk out of here kind of situation. But see, if you tell us quick, you get this." He displays his bloody machete. "But if you take your time, you get, you get that." And "that" is a switchblade which Sam casually pops open right on cue.

Yeah, I'll take that. I'll take that itty bitty one.

It's a bad choice.

You see, this, this is quick. It's clean, you know? No muss, no fuss. You blink and you're dead.

But a blade this small, I'm gonna have to keep sawing and sawing to get your head off. And you'll feel it. Every muscle, tendon. Every inch. Could take hours.

Oh, and if those kids are dead? He's gonna use a spoon.

GUYS. I said it before and I’ll say it again. I absolutely love when they remind us that Sam Winchester, that sweet boy with the huge heart and the endless supply of empathy and the puppy dog eyes, I love it when they remind us that he is a fucking psycho when he needs to be. I'm not going to give it a point, because I don't think it's anything we've asked for, but again I'm willing to hear all arguments. Especially if they come with detailed examples of Sam going psycho. Just for evidence, you know.

Just casually talkin' bout torturing you to death. No big.

The vampire wisely decides to reveal the location of the nest where the kids are being held. Next we see the Impala pulling up in front of some kind of barn. The guys open the trunk to get their gear out, and Dean pulls out a throwing star. "Come on. One time." Sam says no. There will be plenty of other times for Dean to use his throwing stars, I'm sure.

The guys enter the barn and find it apparently empty, although we see masked vamps peeking at them from outside. They find the kids locked in a closet, but four vampires appear before they can escape. They shoo the boys outside and shoot the vampires with their dead man's blood bullets from a safe distance. No, they don't. Why? I got no goddamn idea.

{Sidebar: At some point during this fight, I realized they hadn't played "Carry On Wayward Son" at the beginning. And that we got a regular montage, not a season finale extended montage.}

Sam gets knocked unconscious, and Dean loses his machete and then gets pinned by a couple of vamps. But they don't kill him; they just hold him down while an unmasked vampire strolls in. Dean recognizes her from season 1, and pretends not to notice Sam's now-conscious hand surreptitiously creeping toward his machete. Suddenly the vampire loses her head, because Sam is behind her, and the fight starts up again. Dean gets thrown into a wall right next to a big metal spike, which we focus on oddly. And then he gets thrown onto the spike. Oops. Sam kills the last of the vamps and doesn't notice Dean's predicament. He's all, cool, fight's over, let's go get those kids out of here. "Sam," Dean says, "I don't think I'm going anywhere."

Dean tells Sam there's something stuck in his back and it "feels like it's right through me." He keeps touching his chest as if he expects to feel it poking through. Sam reaches around to touch his back and his hand comes back bloody, and if that gives you All Hell Breaks Loose feels, there's a good reason. Sam tries to pull Dean off the spike, but Dean stops him. "It feels like this thing's holding me together right now." Sam's starting to panic and so am I. He wants to go get the first aid kid and call for help, but Dean stops him. And y'all, I'm just gonna have to type the whole thing out.

Sam, Sam. Stay with me. Please, stay with me, please.

Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Uh. Right. All right, listen to me. Um. You get those boys and you get them someplace safe, all right?

Dean? WE are gonna get them somewhere safe.

No. You knew it was always gonna end like this for me. It was supposed to end like this, right? I mean, look at us. Saving people, hunting things, it's what we do.

Stop, Dean, just stop

It's okay. It's okay. it's good. It's good. We had one hell of a ride, man.

I will find away, okay? I will find another way.

No. No. No, no no no no. No bringing me back, okay? You know that always ends bad.

Dean, please.

I'm fading pretty quick, so, there's a few things I need you to hear. Come here. Let me look at you. There he is. I am so proud of you, Sam. You know that? I've always looked up to you. Remember when we were kids, you were so damn smart. You never took any of Dad's crap. I never knew how you did that. And you're stronger than me. You always have been. Hey, did I ever tell you, that night that I came for you when you were in school? You know, when dad hadn't come back from his hunting trip?

Uh, the woman in white.

The woman in white, that's right. I must have stood outside your door for hours, cause I didn't know what you would say. I thought you'd tell me to get lost, or get dead. And I didn't know what I would have done if I didn't have you. Cause I was so scared. I was scared. Cause when it all came down to it, it was always you and me. It's always been you and me.

Then don't leave me. Don't leave me. I can't do this alone.

Yes you can.

Well, I don't want to.

Hey. I'm not leaving you. I'm gonna be with you. Right here. Every day. Every day you're out there, and you're living, and you're fighting, cause you, you always keep fighting. You hear me? I'll be there, every step. I love you so much. My baby brother. Well, I did not think this would be the day. But it is, it is, and that's okay. I need you, I need you to promise me. I need you to tell me that it's okay. I need you to tell me it's okay. Look at me. I need. I need. I need you to tell me it's okay. Tell me it's okay.

Dean. It's okay. You can go now.

Bye, Sam.

NO, IT IS NOT OKAY. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF OKAY.

And of course I haven't described Sam's face as he understands what's happening, Dean's occasional spasms of pain, the handholding, the fucking FOREHEAD TOUCH, the tears, the way Dean's hand drops away, the way Sam's hands shake as he clutches his dead brother (hello, AHBL again).

Maybe we just need to watch it.

Gifs borrowed from @jaredandjensen​.

And there's also the Always Keep Fighting shoutout, the "I love you," Dean calling Sam his "baby brother," the "I can't do this alone/Yes you can/Well I don't want to" parallel with 1.01. Infinite points, friends. I can't count that high.

(Things not to think about: Sam putting Dean's body in the back seat, and then putting the two young brothers in the front and driving them to safety. Sam driving 15 hours back to Lebanon with his brother's body. Do not think about these things.)

Aftermath. Sam and Miracle, and no one else, are giving Dean a hunter's funeral. And I know Covid means Sam couldn't have any friends there, but also? This is kind of perfect. Sam facing it alone. The song we hear as Sam lights his brother's pyre is "Brothers in Arms" by Dire Straits, in case you're not emotionally wrecked yet.

Yeah, I'm already there, thanks anyway.

Next we see Sam's slightly more modern alarm going off at 8:00. Note that Sam gets up later now, because at the beginning of the episode, he had already gone for a run and was cooking breakfast when Dean woke at 8:00. But now there's no one to cook for so he doesn't need to get back early and I AM NOT OKAY.

ANYWAY.

Sam gets up and faces his lonely day. He cooks eggs. One piece of toast pops up. He sits in the library with Miracle and looks at the names carved into the table. He wanders the halls with his dog at his side. (SAM HAVING A DOG WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE HIM HAPPY. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE US HAPPY. HOW DARE YOU.)

{Sidebar: Has Sam ever had a dog when he wasn't at a low point in his already-low life? Discuss.}

Eventually he finds himself at the door to Dean's room. The room is just as Dean left it, kind of messy, kind of very full of Dean. He sits on Dean's bed and pets the dog and cries and it should come as a surprise to absolutely no one that I am ROLLING AROUND IN ALL OF THIS BEAUTIFUL PAIN.

No one at all.

@annianvi thinks he’s wearing Dean’s hoodie when he cooks his sad lonely breakfast? Could it be?

Sam hears a phone buzzing in Dean's desk. He digs out the one labeled "Dean's other other phone" and answers. The caller asks for "Agent Bon Jovi" and says he's had some bodies turn up without hearts in Austin. "A friend of mine, Donna Hanscum, said you were the one to call." Oooh, are we sending him to Austin? Is Walker, Texas Ranger just going to be another fake name and fake badge? Now that's how you do a spinoff!

{Sidebar: Does Donna know about Dean? Did Sam tell anyone yet? Is the trying to get him out of the bunker and keep him busy? If so, wouldn't she have given the guy Sam's number, not Dean's other other phone? But maybe it's someone she talked to weeks ago. Discuss.}

Sam tells the caller he is on his way, and we see him with a packed bag, heading out of the bunker with Miracle. He turns to look one last time and then turns off all the lights. We haven't seen the bunker this dark since the day they found it. I don't think he's ever coming back. Goodbye, bunker. I know some people hated you, but I was not one of them. {Sidebar: Did he give the bunker key to anyone? Surely he wouldn't want all those resources to go to waste!}

So, I guess the episode title refers to Sam having (choosing?) to carry on after he loses his brother. THIS IS FINE.

Now we're back at Dean's pyre, and this time we drift up with the smoke. We catch up with Dean, outdoors, in a lovely setting with trees and birds. "Well, at least I made it to Heaven," he says. "Yep," someone answers. It's Bobby! Real Bobby, not AU Bobby! Dean's actually standing next to a building - a cabin, maybe - and Bobby is sitting on the porch.

What memory is this?

It ain't, ya idjit.

Yeah it is. Cause the last I heard, you, you were in in Heaven's lockup.

Was. Now I'm not. That kid of yours, before he went wherever, made some changes here. Busted my ass out. And then he, well, set some things right. Tore down all the walls. Heaven ain't just reliving your golden oldies any more. It's what it always should have been. Everyone happy, everyone together. Rufus lives about five miles that way. With Aretha. Thought she'd have better taste. And your mom and dad, they got a place over yonder. It ain't just Heaven, Dean. It's the Heaven you deserve. And we been waiting for you.

So Jack did all that.

Well, Cas helped. It's a big new world out there. You'll see.

So, I guess Cas made it out of the Empty? Dean smiles at that, but doesn't suggest finding him or anything. I approve. Bobby pulls out a couple of beers (the green cooler made it into Heaven!!!) and they share some bad beer. Dean comments that Heaven is "almost perfect," and Bobby knows EXACTLY what's missing, because of course he does. "He'll be along. Time up here, it's different. You got everything you could ever want, or need, or dream. So I guess the question is, what are you gonna do now, Dean?" Well, Dean doesn't have everything he could ever want or need, but he does see one thing - Baby. With her Kansas plates! Friends, that's two things I requested before the end that I didn't think I would ever see: a forehead touch, and Baby wearing her original plates. Thank you, Jack.

Dean's face lights up. "I think I'll go for a drive." As he walks to his car, we see the cabin is actually Harvelle's Roadhouse, albeit smaller, I think. Dean settles into his car and says "Hey, Baby" and when he turns her on, "Carry On Wayward Son" begins to play.

I know he looks good in Purgatory, but DAMN if he don't look fine in Heaven, too.

We cut to the name Dean, which is embroidered on - a little boy's overalls. Sam's little boy. Oh, wow. I was not prepared for this. Sam has a son named Dean, and we switch back and forth between Dean driving through Heaven and scenes of Sam's life with his son and his mysterious, barely-seen wife. She has long dark hair, and I'd like to point out that she could easily be either Eileen or Dr. Cara Roberts. Just saying. Sam's house is full of family photos, including the one of him and Dean from his memory box and a new one from the episode Lebanon. I never thought about the fact that they might have actually taken a photo, and if they did, would it still be around after Sam smashed the pearl? Well, obviously, yes. We see Sam throwing a ball with his son, helping him with his homework (Sam in glasses? Check!) and just obviously really loving this kid and giving him the childhood he never had. We also see a really, really unfortunate grey wig that I refuse to screencap. You're welcome. As aging Sam sits in the hundred-year-old car in his garage, his dead brother drives happily along dirt roads in Heaven, and I'd prefer my Heaven have paved roads, thanks.

We end in Sam's house, now complete with hospital bed. Sam could be in his 80s or even 90s, which means he could have lived another 50 years, more or less, after Dean died. His son doesn't look any older than his 20s or 30s (and also looks vaguely South Asian to me), and I wonder how old Sam was when he finally let himself have a family. Remember when Dean said his happy ending was for Sam to have kids and get old? Well, he got it, finally. Did Sam get a regular job? Did he keep hunting? We don't know. What we do know is that his son has a anti-possession tattoo. Some people have taken this to mean young Dean is a hunter, but I don't think we can jump to that conclusion. It could just be 1) Dean wanted a tattoo like his father's, or b) Sam knows there are still demons out there and that his son would naturally be a target, hunter or not.

All right, I had to screencap teary-eyed Sam grasping the steering wheel and reliving his years with his brother in this car, so we can just pretend we don't see The Wig, okay?

Sam's evidently in hospice care. Or maybe we'll all have hospital beds in our houses in 50 years. Who knows. His son sits on the bed and takes his hand. Sam smiles at him, and Dean says "Dad, it's okay. You can go now." PARALLELLS! As some woman sings "Carry On Wayward Son" for whatever reason (why didn't they use the lovely a cappella version they already had from Fan Fiction?), Sam places his hand on Dean's and takes his last breath.

{Sidebar: Where is Sam's wife in all of this? Divorced? Already dead? She doesn't seem to be in the family pictures, so I'm going with divorced. Discuss.}

Heaven. Oh, guys. I've done this rewatch without tearing up at all but I'm about to tip over. The Impala pulls onto a bridge. Dean gets out. (Now your life's no longer empty, surely Heaven waits for you.) He stands at the bridge railing, enjoying Heaven, smiling. And then he feels something and he smiles even more because he knows it's Sam. Oh god, Jensen did such a good job here. Just this fucking smile killed me dead. "Hey, Sammy," he says. He turns and there is Sam, wearing the same outfit he wore in 1.01 (they both are, but Sam's is a bigger departure from his later years). Why? I don't know. But I know it means Sam Winchester is spending eternity in something that isn't a plaid shirt. How do we feel about that?

"Dean," Sam says. They face each other and smile, and it's the smile of we just survived a hunt I didn't think we'd survive or our son just overpowered God or something along those lines. Then they embrace, and I love the way Sam hesitates just a little before clapping a hand on Dean's back. Like he's afraid it isn't really happening, and he doesn't want to break the illusion. I also love that Dean, as always, takes the top (oh, get your minds out of the gutter) and hugs as if he were taller than Sam. Then Dean puts his hand on the back of Sam's neck and turns him to admire the view and he has this joyous smile like now, this is FINALLY Heaven. And he gazes at Sam like look, Sammy, look what we did. Look what we get. The lack of dialog in this scene is just ~chef's kiss~. The camera goes wide and we see the three main characters, Sam and Dean and Baby, enjoying the Heaven they deserve.

I would like to know where they filmed this, because it's gorgeous even without the Winchesters.

Did Sam's entire life go by in the span of Dean's drive? Or did Dean just decide he'd drive until his brother arrived, no matter how long it took? And how much do I love the fact that he could have gone and visited his parents but instead he said "nah, I'll drive around and wait for Sam?" SO MUCH, PEOPLE. SO MUCH.

Also, can we talk about the fact that Sam didn't know what to expect in Heaven? I mean, Ash said they were soulmates and would share a Heaven, but why would he believe that? And he might have even still believed he'd have a hard time getting into Heaven. What a relief it must have been to show up on Dean's bridge.

And then Jared and Jensen thank us. You're welcome, boys. Thank you.

So. Thursday night I was mildly positive about the episode. But on rewatch, I'm extremely positive. Sure, I would have loved the Six Feet Under ending where we see everyone's fate. And maybe that would have happened if not for Covid. But I'm just relieved we didn't get the Game of Thrones or How I Met Your Mother endings. I'm not sure this current cohort could have done better, honestly. Sam wanted a normal family life. Dean wanted Sam to have a normal family life. But Sam was never going to stop hunting as long as Dean was hunting. And Dean wasn't going to stop hunting as long as he was alive. Dean got the end he wanted/expected and the Heaven he earned (and Sam caring for Jack was directly responsible for Heaven's improvements). Sam got to live a normal life and have a family. As I said earlier, I suspect his marriage didn't last. (Or maybe he and Eileen or Cara got married for insurance purposes, and happily co-parented little Dean, but knew they weren't each other's one true love.) But I actually prefer that. Dean loved Sam more than he loved anyone. Sam loved Dean the same way. I'm glad Sam got to have a child (who he loves as much as his brother, but in a different way), but I don't want Sam and Dean to share their Heaven with Sam's wife.

Now, would I have done Dean's death differently? Yes. I did appreciate that they had him upright, so the brothers were face to face, just like AHBL. But being impaled on a spike was just less dramatic that I would have liked. I would have preferred that Sam immediately see his brother was dying, instead of Dean having to explain it to him. Dean could have had his jugular torn, slowly bleeding out, and still been on his knees (held up by Sam, hell yes) making his deathbed speech. And then I wouldn't have thought "would an ambulance be here by now if you'd called them?" halfway through it.

{Sidebar: What if Sam had fed Dean some blood from one of the dead vamps. Wouldn't that have kept him undead long enough to get fixed up, and then they could have done the vampire cure? Discuss.}

I know some people are very unhappy about the finale. Honestly, from what I can tell, most of those people are hard-core Destiel shippers. And I guess they wanted, as they always do, for the Dean and Castiel relationship to be more important than the Dean and Sam relationship. Sorry, guys, that was never gonna happen. In the end, it came down to the epic love story of Sam and Dean, just as it should have.

So, I'm sad and I'm happy. I'm bereft and I'm full. I miss my boys, but my boys will always be with me. I hope you guys will be with me for a long time, too.

[lifblogs]

Title: Livin In You: Chapter 6

Rating: Explicit (for later chapters)

Pairing: Destiel (they’ll be meeting soon!)

Word Count: 1500

Summary: Castiel is a mental health worker who is just fine with the way his life is. The only thing that really bugs him is how much his co-worker, and friend, Meg, mentions Dean Winchester, the most famous rock star in the modern age. Meg drags him to a concert, and he ends up getting tied into the wild and angsty life of Dean Winchester. Suddenly his old life seems boring, but so much calmer. Suddenly, it matters to him that he's still a virgin. Suddenly, this rock star that he despised the mention of, now matters to him.

Dean Winchester is a rockstar who's on top of the world when it comes to music. Yet there's more that he wants. He misses Lisa and Ben, he craves connection, craves being himself. Any hope for that amidst his alcoholic life all changes when Zachariah, the head exec of Heaven's Records, pairs with a new exec, Michael Edlund -- the Archangel of Music. Under Michael's dominance, he's no longer in control of his own life. There are rules. No more sex with fans. No more alcohol. And in Dean's view, no more god damn free will. Yet he stumbled into Castiel.

A/N: This chapter contains alcoholism, violence, and mentions of abuse.

Tagging: @evilwriter37, @becky-srs

Anyone else, feel free to let me know if you want to be tagged! Always happy to have more readers. :D

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

“Though the sounds of someday / May be home! / Though the sounds of someday / May be be home, ay!”

Sweat glistening on his skin, but not ruining the various bronzers that had been put on him, Dean brought his running, and his dancing to a stop, and he stood, blocking out the crowd, just listening to the guitar as he strummed, just waiting for the right moment. His soul seemed like it could fly, and he was on top of the world, and as he took in the breath to finish this song, he knew that he was high on life. It could take him anywhere.

“And though the sounds of someday / May be home, ooh!”

Dean let the last notes hang in the air, simply mesmerized with the tune of his own song, with the depth and lightness of his voice.

Finally, he finished the concert, and the fans went wild. Dean came back to himself, beaming, still feeling as though music was pounding through his body.

“Thank you, everybody!” he screamed. “You’ve been a great crowd! Whoo! Kansas City!”

After more moments of adoration, Dean’s handlers were behind the curtain, beckoning him to come off the stage.

He left, body exhausted, but made sure he seemed to have as much energy as he had upon entering the stage.

An assistant took his guitar, and the sounds of the crowd faded as he was led down stairs, and through various halls of the stadium, to a green room.

Dean skipped the water on the table as he passed by, and grabbed a beer.

Sam was waiting for him in the green room, having been allowed in because he was his brother. Crowley was there as well, and unfortunately, so was a man he’d had a few dealings with and rather didn’t like: Zachariah. He was the executive of the record label Dean was contracted with, Heaven’s Records. Usually execs didn’t come out to concerts and they left that business to representatives, so this had to be big.

Great.

He suppressed rolling his eyes, popped the tab on his beer, and took a sip.

“That was excellent!” Crowley told him, standing to embrace him. He pointed to a screen that was in the green room, which was now showing the crowd departing. “Caught the whole thing.”

Dean nodded, then addressed his brother, “Sam, you like it?”

Sammy beamed, and also got up to congratulate him with physical affection, clapping his shoulder. “Hell yeah, man!”

Dean got himself a seat across from the exec, and bluntly asked, “What are you doing here?”

“Just enjoying the show, Dean.”

Another sip of his beer.

“Uh huh.”

Zach gave him an uneasy smile, hands clasped before him, leaning forward. “Look, we want to change your contract. Nothing big. Just add a couple more zeros to the paycheck, and with it you gotta make a music video, along with cooperating in some other areas.”

Dean sighed. “Ain’t music videos more the pop industry type deal?”

“You’ve turned rock into the new pop, Dean.”

“Yep, and what’s the catch? You’re not just gonna give me more money for a single music video.”

“We want you to tour. Europe, UK.”

“But?” he prompted, sensing a but.

“But, you have to behave.” Zach stood, taking the beer out of his hands as Dean had been about to drink a great amount of it. He held it up, shaking it. “No more of this.”

“But—”

And now he held out his phone, showing paparazzi photos of Dean making out with a woman on the street. Who was she? Was that that girl Cassie, the one who had a tattoo of his name somewhere, well, interesting?

“No more of this. Crowley’s already told me he’s been working with you on it.”

“What, so I can’t have fun?”

“No,” Zachariah simply stated. “You can’t have fun, Dean. Your kind of fun can lead to mishaps, mistakes, bad press. You’re a label, someone to be marketed. You want to market the bad boy who gets too drunk and punches a reporter?”

“I haven’t done that,” he argued.

“Yet. You want to be the bad boy who sleeps with a fan lying about her age?”

“Or him,” Dean interjected.

“Excuse me?”

Dean stood, getting right in his face. “I’m a person,” Dean yelled. “ A person, you got that? I have vices, and flaws, and wants, and needs.”

“A person, huh?”

Dean glanced around the room, at Sam, at Crowley, eyes big, pleading for help. Sam seemed just as caught off guard and helpless as he was. The best he seemed able to do was to start shouting “objection!” but they both knew he wasn’t going to do that.

“What if I say no?”

“We drop you.”

Dean clenched his jaw, and felt his hands curling into fists. God, was that wall close enough to punch? Soon it didn’t matter because he’d brushed past Zach, and, vision going red, he swept plates of food and bottles of drinks off the table, and then there was a loud noise, numb pressure exploding in his knuckles.

Cheeks flushed, he pulled his hand from the hole in the wall.

“Fuck you!” Dean cried, pointing a finger at him.

“Now, now, Dean, don’t—”

“Don’t what?” he asked, getting in his face again. Now Sam was up, arms around Dean to hold him back. Dean didn’t bother fighting him. “Don’t what?”

“Tantrums will get you nowhere.”

“So I quit drinking just like that?” he asked. “And I don’t see people anymore? No dating?”

“None.”

“What about free time, my established relationships, family? Is Sammy getting swept aside with this deal too, huh?”

“Dean,” Sam intoned, voice soothing in his ear.

“What about Lisa and Ben?”

“We won’t touch them if you do what we say. Look, I don’t like to do this, Dean, pretend you’re not someone, but well… you’re not. Who you are doesn’t matter to us. It’s what you can sell. And we want to sell you off as a worshipful, immaculate being, having you ascend above the rockstar stereotypes. Your popularity will burst through the roof. So, you clean up your act, you stay away from fans, you do as we say, and we won’t have a problem.”

Dean shrugged out of Sam’s grip, and went over to Crowley, pointing an accusing finger. “You knew about this.”

“Dean—”

“You knew,” he breathed, voice low, but gritty with emotion. “You knew and you didn’t tell me.”

“I warned you.”

“Well, nice warning, fuckwad.”

“Dean, I will quit if you keep this up.”

Dean stood back, laughing.

Was this really happening? Where had his freedom gone? He just wanted to make music, wanted to make people happy. He didn’t want any of this bullshit. And why all the changes, and why so soon, so fast?

Zachariah set Dean’s beer bottle down, but Dean ignored it, grabbing another one, and drank as much as he could, feeling liquid dribble down his chin. Oh god, that stuff was good. It wasn’t enough to get him buzzing or even numb though. And was blood dripping down his knuckles? They were starting to swell, right hand red, maybe turning a little purple.

Dean finished off half the bottle, and spluttered through his drink.

“Dean, I think you need to sit down,” Sam said, taking him by the shoulders and attempting to maneuver him to a seat.

“Sammy, can they do this?” he asked.

“Of course I can,” Zachariah said, all self-important and pleased. “Paired with a new exec. Michael Edlund.”

Oh god, Dean had heard of him, the fucking Archangel of Music as celebrity fans liked to call him. The bastard didn’t care about people, just cared about stats, and marketing, and money, and having people act to his every whim. Dean wouldn’t even be surprised if there were sex scandals wrapped up in there, kept hidden away since he was oh so clean and immaculate. 

But maybe the worst for Dean was that Michael forced himself to live through his artists, took them over.

Dean let Sam drag him into a chair at that.

He raised his bottle at Crowley, and Zachariah, smiling. “Well, here’s to fucking up my life. Maybe you own me, but I’m gonna fight tooth and nail the whole time. So I agree to this new, fucking stupid contract. Drop off the papers with my assistant, and I’ll even sign with a god damn golden pen. How’s that? I’ll do what you want, but you better believe I’m gonna test the limit.”

Sam pat a comforting hand against Dean’s chest as he continued drinking, feeling angered, embittered tears built up in his eyes.

So long, Dean Winchester, he thought. Here’s to life as an angel condom. May you rest in peace, you son of a bitch.

So he wasn’t out of being controlled. His dad, John was probably smiling up from Hell at that.

He’d better have a good seat down there.

Dean wondered if he would too.

[dontshootmespence]

Supernatural AU: Episode 1 - Born to Fire

Part 1 

I’m a big fan of books when I don’t have to pour over hours and hours of lore. Emerson and Shakespeare are two of my favorites. Actually, Emerson once said “the only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.” Tell that to whatever cosmic entity fucked up the lives of my brothers and me. We keep deciding and ‘they’ keep knocking us off the path we ride.

Ask Sam and he’d tell you he’d make his own destiny. No one was in control but him. Ask Dean and he’d tell you destiny was bullshit.

Me on the other hand? I had to believe my brothers and I, our family, was destined for this. Whatever this even is. Otherwise I’d have no other way to justify the years of unrelenting anguish. Losing Mom. Losing Dad. Heaven. Hell. Torture. Separation. Loneliness. Guilt. So much fucking guilt. If it was destiny, it was palatable – at least for me, but without the drive of destiny behind all this…I would’ve put a bullet in my brain long ago. Boy do I wish we could go back to the good ol’ days. You know, your typical vampires, ghouls, ghosts and werewolves?

Then again, life has never been typical for us and our childhoods were lost before we’d even hit double digits. Again, if this wasn’t destiny, if this was all just happening and we have no say in anything at all, I’ll eat the butt of a gun.

I know the kind of person I want to be, but something about all this seems a little too out of my control. 

                                                           ------

November 1981

“Should we say goodnight to Sammy?” Mary asked with her fingers clasped lightly around Bobbie’s hand. The young girl pulled away and carefully but quickly climbed into the crib to place a kiss on her littlest brother’s head. He’d only been here for six months, but everyone, even the neighbors they barely spoke with could see that the five-year-old girl would already do anything for him. She was a little mother-in-training. That wasn’t to say that Dean wouldn’t do the same. He was hovering around the littlest Winchester almost as much as Mary and his older sister.

With his mother’s help, Dean leaned into the mahogany crib and pecked the top of his baby brother’s head. “Goodnight, Sammy. Love you.”

Although it took another hour, promises to take them to the park in the morning and three bedtime stories, which Bobbie and Dean fought about of course, Mary finally got her eldest two to sleep. With the kids down for the night, she was able to go sleep herself (thankfully, so necessary), waking up just hours later to the white noise from the TV downstairs mixed with the rustling of Sam’s baby monitor. How had parents survived before baby monitors?

“John?” Mary was in bed alone again. He never had been able to sleep well. It was a perfect night, cool but not cold, no wind whatsoever – only the slight rumbling of thunder far off in the distance. A little abnormal for a November night actually. There was no reason he shouldn’t have been able to sleep, but that’s how he’d always been.

As she slipped out of the bedroom, sleep still heavy in her eyes she saw a flicker of light. At the end of the hallway, the light was flaring on and off. This house wasn’t all that old and they’d just recently replaced the light bulbs so she found it a bit odd. Some poking and prodding turned the light steady, but before she could go and find John, she got distracted by a sound coming from Sam’s room.

When she opened the door, she saw her worst fear realized.

                                                            ------

Downstairs, John awoke to an ear-piercing scream in the direction of Sam’s room, but when he went to find his wife, she was nowhere to be found. “Hey, buddy,” he said softly, touching the top of the peaceful infant’s head. For a moment, he looked around for Mary before turning his attention back to his third, and final (definitely final, he was getting too old for this) child.

A small drop thudded onto the crib beside Sam’s head. It was liquid of some kind and was seeping into the sheets. Seriously? Was there already a leak in this roof?

“What?” John asked aloud as his finger dragged across the drop and the copper smell began to fill his nostrils. A pit formed in his stomach as he looked up to see Mary pinned to the ceiling, a gash across her stomach and blood staining her flowing, white nightgown. “Mary!”

Before he could process anything, fire began to bloom around her body; she was petrified in place but was all too aware of what was happening to her. He could see it in her eyes - the fear, the uncertainty, the guilt. Why guilt? An inherited family trait it seemed. Quickly, he turned toward the crib and grabbed Sam, running down the hallway to get his other two children to safety.

“Daddy!” Bobbie called. The little girl had bolted upright the second her mother had screamed. Dean followed closely behind, bewildered by the frightened look plastering his father’s face. His father was never scared. “Daddy, what’s wrong?”

Without a second thought, John shoved the six-month old into Bobbie’s arms. “Take your brothers outside as fast as you can. Don’t look back. Now, Bobbie!”

She bolted down the stairs, gripping tightly onto her baby brother while glancing back over and over again to ensure Dean was still there. Her father was trusting her. She had to make sure the boys were safe. That was her job. “Bobbie, Mom and Dad?” Dean asked focusing his gaze on the steps as they moved toward the door and out into the cool November night. In his short little lifetime, he’d never seen his father or his sister more scared.

He stopped in his tracks for a second and searched for either of their parents before Bobbie grabbed him by the collar of his pajama shirt and dragged him outside. “I don’t know, but we have to go!” It was the moment her innocence was lost and she was forced to grow up before her time.

Once outside, Bobbie and Dean stopped again and stared up at the house, jarred forward when John came running up behind them. “Move!”

It was just in time. The force of the explosion propelled the family toward the front of the lawn. It was probably for the best that the children didn’t see the horror unfold. They could remember what the house looked like, what their mother…

John however looked back in horror. His wife. His home. Both gone.

“Where’s Mommy?” Dean asked. His eyes were resting on Sam who was still resting somewhat peacefully in his sister’s arms.

“She’s dead,” Bobbie said softly, taking John off guard, before she burst into tears. “Mommy’s gone!” As a neighbor emerged from next door, Bobbie ripped the cross necklace off her collarbone, threw it on the cement and ran to him. She couldn’t look at her father; he’d told her that God would watch over them and keep them safe. God was nowhere around their house. He wasn’t real. He couldn’t be. The God her parents had described wouldn’t have let this happen.

Three-year-old Dean had no idea what Bobbie really meant. Mom would be back in a while. He just knew it. “Where did Mommy go? Why did she leave?”

“I don’t know, Dean,” John said, his hand shaking as he held it to his mouth. “I…I don’t know.”

                                                           ------

Present Day – 2002

“Don’t you dare sit your vamp gut covered ass in my beautiful Baby,” Dean yelled, his voice carrying through the grove of trees as Bobbie made her way toward the decades-old Impala. It was a thing of beauty, passed down to Dean, the car-lover of the three of them, but they were still no closer to finding John and after taking out a small nest of vampires on the California-Nevada border, they desperately needed a shower and a few hours sleep before heading out to get Sam at Stanford…hopefully. They really did need the extra pair of eyes.

Turning back, Bobbie sing-songed. “Oh looooook! I’m sitting down in the car! I’m covered in vamp guts. Oh, no, Baby’s gonna get so dirty.” Teasing Dean about the car was so much fun. It was astounding how much he loved this car and how he expected it to stay clean and safe and pretty given their line of work. As Dean stared her down, she flashed the cheesiest smile at him pointing at the dimples she’d never seemed to be able to lose.

In mock anger, Dean threw the car door open, silently apologizing to his one true love when the door bounced back and hit him in the ass. “I should kill you for defiling my Baby… Ass.”

“Bitch. I’d like to see you try.”

                                                           ------

Hours after checking into their crappy motel, the two elder Winchesters checked out, showered and as well rested as they were ever going to be. “You look like hell,” Dean said sarcastically as they got into the car. The beds were like cardboard and there was a couple next door that really needed to keep that shit at home. No sleep was had.

“Aww. You’re one of the sweetest little brothers anyone could ask for,” she replied, her tight –lipped smile causing Dean to snort. “I slept like shit.” She was surprised he’d actually slept, given the noise next door, but then it occurred to her that there were a few extra bottles of beer on the nightstand this morning. Apparently, he’d knocked himself out.

“Same nightmare?”

She spoke softly, almost drowned out by the roar of Baby’s engine and the gravel under her wheels. “Yea, both of them though.”

One was of the night their mother died. That much Dean knew. However, Bobbie had never shared the other with him and he knew better than to ask. She was open with him, almost to a fault and his annoyance. If she didn’t want to talk about it, there was a reason why and he didn’t want to press it. Plus, she was scary when she was pissy.

For nearly 40 miles, they sat in silence. It was hard to forget the things they went through –at least entirely. Actually, to forget it entirely was impossible, but zoning out on the open road ahead of them or the skyline of whatever city they happened to be passing through helped them to drown out the incessant noise in their heads for awhile. It was obvious to both that the other was thinking about something - something not all together pleasant – but it was Dean who broke the silence. This is why he blasted music. Silence left too much room for running thoughts, but after a mission or a case or whatever you wanted to call it Bobbie insisted on some quiet. “Why us?”

There couldn’t be a bigger question. It was always in the back of their minds but only after large swathes of silence did one of them ask the all-important inquiry. The silence took away the filter on their brains for some reason. “I don’t know, but I say it’s fate.”

“You believe in fate and destiny and all that crap?” Dean asked in surprise, shoving a slightly melted candy bar into his mouth. Bobbie was so grounded in reality, so good at getting the job done each and every time that it seemed out of the realm of reason for her to believe in something so indefinable as destiny.

Shrugging, she faced her brother, who was of course driving the car because god forbid anyone else put their hands on Baby’s wheel. She could’ve commented on the chocolate he was getting on the wheel, speaking of defiling, but she didn’t have the energy for it. “I have to Dean. If I don’t, my head gets more fucked up than it already is. If what happened to us plays some part in some bigger plan, then I can make sense of it.”

“How? How does Mom dying in the middle of the night engulfed in flames and plastered to the ceiling make sense?”

She started kneading the side of her head with her knuckle, feeling another migraine coming on. “It doesn’t, but if what happened back then leads to something else, then my brain has a course to follow. A stupid course, a totally not fair course, but there’s a path. It’s fixed in that way in my head, so in my own way I can make sense of it. If I can’t make sense of it, then I put a bullet in my brain.”

Dean nearly slammed the brakes as they came to the red light. Oops. She did tend to say things she shouldn’t, overshare if you will, when she was in pain and tired. The cranky ramblings of a deranged hunter are what she tended to call it. “You’ve…?” He asked shakily, unable to keep his voice steady. She was his rock; the thought that she’d wanted to check out even just once made him anxious.

“Thought about blowing my brains out?” She asked. “With what we’ve gone through and what we do is that really a surprise to you?”

He cocked an eyebrow as he thought about it. It was understandable. They’d been through more bullshit in less than 30 years than most did in their entire lives, but in his mind, he’d just drink and whore himself to death eventually. Or go out in a bloody battle. One or the other. Probably one after the other. “I guess not.” In an instant everything Dean thought he knew about his sister was turned on its head. “So why us. If we were destined for this, which I think is bullshit by the way, why us?”

Nearly every second of every day had been spent trying to figure that out. “I don’t know, but the Winchesters were born to fire, Dean. I’m sure of it.“

                                                           ------

A/N: I hope you like Bobbie as much as I already love her. There’s so much more in store. If you want to be added to the taglist, go here and like the post.

@remember-me-forever-silent-angel @gaylemonshark @marveldivergentouatdctvfangirl @lalirang @averagekansan @addsomesalt @stusbunker @sebba-hiddles @fanfictionrecommendations-com @hoppy519 @thatwrestlingfan91 @extremeobsessions101 @spence-imagines @bettercallsabs @whaaatthefuuuuck @letsgetfuckingsuperwholocked @your-imagination-runs-wild @cryinglots @steggy01 @gigilame @sedulous-mind @a-unique-girls-heaven @just-antiyou @rmmalta @original-criminal-fanfics @ties-n-suits @veroinnumera @eurusholmmes

[veshialles]

Get to know the blogger

I wasn’t tagged for this, but @76-thotters-lane did it and I love rambling about myself so here we are now I guess  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Also I hunted down the original format

rules: tag some mutuals you’d like to get to know better uhh, okay @rogue-lavellan @helenaamell @fallout-and-dragon-age @feeshies @chibikinesis @beetleboo @life-is-no-sugarlicking And anyone else who wants to, I guess? But like, don’t feel like you gotta do it??

Name: Daniel, but you can call me Dan with permission. Calling me Danny Boy is now punishable by death in all 12 provinces/territories unless you are one of six specific people :) [there’s a story here but it’s complicated]

Star sign: Aquarius

Height: 5′2.9921 (let’s just say 5′3, it’s easier) // 160cm

Put your iTunes or spotify on shuffle. what are the first 4 songs that popped up?

I don’t use either of those frequently enough, so I’ll just go through my phone’s library

Take Me Home, Country Roads by Copilot Music + Sound (hype for Fallout 76 intensifies)

Where My Heart Will Take Me [Album Version] by Russell Watson (where my ST:ENT fans at?)

Bleeding by Two Steps From Hell

Warrior by AURORA

Have you ever had a poem or song written about you?

Nope, but in 11th grade some creepo wrote a smut fic about me and my at-the-time best friend. Please stop making me relive it, I beg of you

This was like already super awkward and weird on its own, and it was also when I still thought I was straight, but the absolute Worst™ part is that I recently checked up on my friend’s insta and I suddenly realized that he’s actually kinda hot now asdakkhjfgadlfkjgh;; we’ve come full circle dudes wait fuck do they use tumblr?

When was the last time you played an instrument?

(I changed this one from guitar to instrument because I don’t think I’ve ever touched a guitar in my life) Last time I played an instrument was about... a few days ago? Just my keyboard. I finally scratched that itch and made a quick cover of the Fire Nation theme because it came back into my mind and wouldn’t leave.

Who is your celebrity crush?

There are so many.. (Most of them either appeared in a Bioware game or Doctor Who at some point. I guess I have a type? People who have nice voices and/or are from the UK??)

Claudia Black (hence my current icon), Gideon Emery, Jenna Coleman, Sam Witwer, John Barrowman, Dylan Gelula, Brian Bloom, Jennifer Hale, Courtney Ford, David Tennant, Courtenay Taylor, Alexander Calvert, Felicia Day, Karen Gillan, Alysia Reiner, Misha Collins, Jodie Whittaker... There’s definitely more, but you get the idea. I am a weak pan man who develops crushes at the snap of a finger. You can also probably include the entire main cast of The Good Place too because they’re all cute??

What’s a sound you hate and a sound you love?

I just really love little synthetic blips and beeps? Like, the computers in Star Trek, the pip-boy noises from the Fallout games, a lot of the little sounds from Mass Effect.

Also, I hate the sound of dogs whining or whimpering. Pls don’t be sad doggo, what do you need? I can help, tell me!! (Animals sounding distressed in general gets to me, but in particular dogs)

Do you believe in ghosts?

Kinda?? I have a weird personal belief about ghosts and afterlife stuff. Bit complicated to get into here.

How about aliens?

Yes, but not in the”it’s them aliens again” sort of way? Like, it’s a big universe, there’s surely some other folks out there somewhere, but don’t give me some bullshit about how them darn Greys stole your cows again and every politician is a lizardman (they may be cold-blooded and/or inhuman, but that’s just how it be in politics)

Do you drive?

One (1) time. Scraped my neighbour’s car and never got behind the wheel again bc anxiety sucks and prevents me from doing anything twice if it turns out badly lmao

What was the last book you read?

I finally got around to reading the Hunger Games trilogy over the summer, several years after everyone else lol. I’d seen the movies when they came out, and honestly I’m impressed at how well they adapted it to film. I could basically see the movie scene-for-scene as I was reading.

What’s the worst injury you’ve had?

I know I talk about my back injury a lot, but I was damn near paralyzed in 2012, honestly. 

Like, I always downplay it like “oh, it was just a hairline crack in one of my lower vertebrae and it’s still sore sometimes but it’s fine now lol” but the only reason I ended up looking into it or going to the hospital for it at all was because I was complaining to my dad about a day or two after the injury about how “hey my legs kinda feel a bit tingly, weird” and he said we needed to go to the ER right then and there.

That is literally the only reason I even found out that I’d literally fractured my spine.

Do you have any obsessions right now?

I have been posting about Dragon Age basically non-stop since I discovered it in February, to the point where it has now actually surpassed “Doctor Who” for 2nd place when Tumblr suggests tags for my posts on mobile.

Do you try to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

I don’t try, but boy do I!! Really, we’re still mad about this thing that happened in middle school? What am I, fuckin three years old?

In a relationship?

I was gonna be sarcastic with this and say ‘with a fictional character lmao” but the mere idea of it reminded me of that era of 2011-2013 fandom and I cringed harder than I reasonably should have. 

No, the answer is no. However, I am vicariously living through my OCs and their love interests. Which I realize is basically the same thing, but it feels less cringy, ya know??

[livingmybestfictionallife]

Like This -Part Two

Original Prompt: could you do a dad!tom where it’s basically where the reader and him find out she’s pregnant and some cute things he does whilst she’s pregnant and like telling his family and fans and then when the baby is born, his first bonding moment with the child and then just some cute things after about the baby and tom and reader or something please thank you! [ the baby can be any gender or even twins]

Warnings: fluff, cutesy father!Tom, but imagine Tom with a baby tho

Part One 

Toward the middle of June, Johnathan Robert Holland was born. (Y/N) couldn’t have been more pleased with the fact that Tom had decided to name his son after both of his grandfathers, after all, that was a much better explanation for their kid to tell people than saying his father was the biggest Spider-Man dork on the planet, but that didn’t keep him from showing up to the birth in the suit.

Tom didn’t miss a beat since (Y/N)’s contractions began two days before their son’s birth. He tracked every decreasing minute between them and rushed her to the hospital despite the fact that it would be another seventeen hours and forty-six minutes before she could even start pushing. (Y/N) had encouraged Tom to visit the kids in hospital between her contractions and prior to the delivery of their child, to which he hesitantly agreed. 

Tom had been in the children’s wing with Harry and Sam when his mother called to tell him (Y/N) was ready to have the baby. Immediately, he dropped his phone and started running, his twin brothers trailing far behind him. It was half hour before John entered the world and fifteen minutes before he was presented to his parents. Exhausted, (Y/N) stayed awake hardly long enough to feed Johnathan. Tom refused to leave his fiancé’s side as she slept but for some reason, he was hesitant to hold his son. He had seen and held children before, but the fear or anxieties of holding a child intensifies when he realized that child was his. 

John was a small baby at only six and a half pounds and a little over a foot long. Tom smiled at John’s tiny nose and smiled as he looked between the boy’s face and his mothers. He had her nose and already had tufts of her hair color as well. Tom noticed that John had a similar, tiny, pointed chin and wide ears that he had as a baby. Johnathan’s tiny fingers reached out as he lay in the bassinet and a small cry escaped his lips. Immediately, (Y/N)’’s eyes flashed open and her head ached as her eyes adjusted to the light.

“Can you get him please?” (Y/N) grumbled as she unbuttoned the left shoulder of her gown and pulled the nursing blanket over her. Tom rushed toward his son and slowly scooped him in his arms for the first time.

“There, there John,” he cooed and swayed lightly while cradling his son’s head in his arms. Staring down at the baby in his arms, Tom’s heart started to beat faster and harder than ever before as he continued to cry. His small eyes squinted and his tiny mouth wailed until he nestled up to his father’s chest. Slowly, the child’s eyes opened to reveal large brown orbs just as beautiful as the one’s looking down at him. “It’s okay,” Tom cooed again as he lowered himself onto the hospital bed beside (Y/N), “Daddy’s got you. Daddy’s here.”

“Is he hungry?” (Y/N) asked, her voice groggy and eyes drooping closed.

“No,” Tom sighed, “he just wanted to be held.” (Y/N) moved over to make room on the hospital bed and Tom managed to lie down beside her with their son in his arms. “Yeah, that’s you’re Mum,” he said as John’s tiny hands stretched toward (Y/N). “Love,” Tom called while turning his head toward (Y/N)’s.

“What’s wrong? Is he crying?” Every question she had was regarding what she could do for the baby and Tom smiled.

“Johnny’s fine,” he smiled and placed his lips along her sweaty hairline. “I love you so much, (Y/N).” Her lips curled slightly as her head dropped against his shoulder.

“I love you too, Tom,” she sighed as she placed her little finger between her son’s hand feeling his small but strong grip.

Tom couldn’t help his excitement of being a new father and the pride he felt when holding John made him more confident than he had ever been. “Sam, come here and get this!” Tom called for his younger brother. He held John in his arms and stood up proudly displaying his son and his Spider-Man costume. Sam took the photo with Tom’s phone first while the friends and family who had been waiting at the hospital and were now permitted to visit took the opportunity to photograph Tom bonding with his baby.

“Just remember not to post anything,” Harrison warned.

“Fuck it,” Tom huffed as he immediately pressed ‘post’ on Instagram, captioning the photo: Welcome to the family little Holland, Mum and Daddy love you! As soon as he posted the picture, he turned off his phone and smiled. “Now the world knows,” he smiled down at the baby who had started to make small cranky noises. “Let’s get you to your mum.”

Tom had been a father for little over three months before he was forced to return to the spotlight. “Remember he eats at six,” Tom said as he slid his arms into his suit jacket.

“He sucks on my tits when he’s hungry, Tom, I think I know when he eats,” (Y/N) laughed.

“And the Funko Pop Spider-Man plush toy is his favorite,” Tom muttered as his wife dropped his dress shoes onto his lap.

“Of course it is,” she smirked as Tom slid his feet into the spider socks he had hidden (Y/N)’s engagement ring in a year ago.

“Please promise you’ll call before you put Johnny to bed, (Y/N). I want to tell him goodnight,” Tom murmured against his son’s soft head as he leaned over the bassinet by their bed. Immediately Tessa started whimpering.

“Come here, girl, I’ll give you attention,” (Y/N) said as Tessa jumped onto the bed to lick (Y/N)’s face.

“Don’t forget, my parents are only five minutes away if you need anything,” Tom said as (Y/N) shoved his neglected dress shoes into his hands.

“Oh really? I didn’t know they still lived in the exact same place that you grew up,” she smirked as she pushed him toward the bed to put on his shoes.

“Fine, fine, I’m going,” he huffed. “I told Harry and Sam to check on you every hour or so.”

“Tom,” she finally laughed and threw her arms around him. “I love you so much, but you’re overprotective dad side is showing way too much.”

“I know, love, I just don’t want to be away from him for too long,” Tom sighed with a small hint of regret in his voice. “I brought this on us and I don’t want you to feel as though I’m just pawning all of the responsibility of having a child off on you.” (Y/N) smiled and walked toward him, placing her knees on either sides of the outside of his thighs.

“Thomas Stanley Holland,” she sighed into his ear as she kissed his neck. “I love you so much,” she watched his lips curl into a smile at her words, “but if you ever blame and feel like you’re burdening our family, I don’t know what I’m going to have to do to show you how wrong you are.” He placed his lips against hers and held tight to her waist.

“How about giving me another baby?” he suggested with a smirk on his lips as he kissed her warm skin. She smiled at his suggestion, glad that he was enjoying fatherhood despite the fact that it was thrust upon him so young and so abruptly.

“How about you go to your event and we make plans for that when you get home,” she suggested before kissing him and easing off his lap.

“Is that a promise?” he teased. 

“I guess you’l find out later,” she smirked. With that, Tom hurriedly kissed his wife and went on his way, eager to get the event over with to return to his family. Upon his arrival, there was an even larger amount of interviewers trying to get his attention than normal and he was swarmed with questions, most regarding his new family. “How did you keep (Y/N)’s pregnancy below the radar for so long?” “How does fatherhood feel?” “Did you only marry (Y/N) because you got her pregnant?” “Will this baby put a stop to your career?” 

“Oh wow,” (Y/N) watched her husband answer the slew of questions, their son propped up against her chest staring at his father on the television screen. “Well,” he laughed the little chuckle that he normally saved for awkward situations, “as you know, I accidentally got my wife pregnant before she was my  wife, but that had nothing to do with my decision to propose to her. I actually had the ring stored in these socks for months,” he said while flashing his socks from beneath his pant hems. “When she told me she was pregnant, I couldn’t think of a more perfect way to tell her just how ready I was for this: being a husband and a father. I love my wife, (Y/N) more than anything, except maybe our little boy, Johnny. I don’t have any plans for my career ending because of Johnny and (Y/N), but I would miss them terribly.”

“Do you miss them right now?” the interviewer asked.

Tom folded his arms over his chest and smiled as he thought about (Y/N) and Johnathan curled up on the couch together, waiting for him to get home. “If I could I would be in my sweatpants making my beautiful wife (Y/N) a cuppa tea and watching Netflix with Johnny on my chest and (Y/N) in my arms.”

“And if your wife and son were watching right now, what would you want to tell them?” Tom’s smile grew along his face and he swayed, his eyes gleaming toward the camera.

“Daddy loves you, Johnny and he’s hoping you’re behaving for Mum. (Y/N), I love you so much darling and I can’t wait to be home with you.” His voice got caught on his excitement and his already large smile beamed into the camera. “I’m so grateful for all that’s happened that led our lives to play out exactly like this.”