#sad ok about tami

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

Seeing Ian in season 1 puts into perspective the amount of BS he had to go through. Like when I think of things I wish were addressed with more weight, Ian's abuse at the hands of older men is one of them. I know Ian doesn't see it that way but others do (Mickey and Lip) and it feels like it's constantly glossed over. Lip says he wanted to call the police on Kash but he couldn't bring himself to do it. A scene of that would've reinforced just how wrong it is, instead of the situation ending with Kash is a sad middle-aged man and that's why Ian shouldn't want him. Not, Kash is a predator and Ian is a victim.

We can also talk about how both Lip and Debbie are victims of grooming. Grooming was never seriously addressed on the show.

i’m actually so pissed that grooming was never addressed as it was such a big issue for ian, debbie, lip, and also kind of carl but not really (with lori i think her name was, his boss). the only time grooming is ever brought up is with tami but it’s just a one episode thing and it’s irrelevant to the plot tbh.

ian’s situation devastates me because he never ends up thinking it’s wrong. he was constantly objectified by these older men he was with, too. to them he was seen as just a “boy toy” or the “forbidden fruit”. not only were his relationships with kash and ned creepy, but the guys at the club, too. for example, the one who dragged him out of the club, barely conscious, after giving him a roofie. ian graciously accepted the pill like he was used to it, and he probably was. he let this guy drug and grope him, and i always see people saying “imagine what would’ve happened if mickey hadn’t come” and i’ll tell you what would’ve happened, he would’ve been raped. and i can guarantee you with how used to it he was, it had happened before. and i’ll say more about this with lip and debbie, but i firmly believe the reason he indulged into these relationships was to fill the void frank created.

debbie’s situation is also devastating. if you recall, when lip was trying to convince ian that what happened with kash was wrong/grooming people is wrong, he said “ok so what if it was debbie and a 30 year old dude”, ironically, in the next season she gets with a 20 year old dude who for some fucking reason, a good percentage of the fandom sympathizes with/sides with. here’s the real deal: matty groomed her. he was into her, knowing she was 13, but didn’t want to have sex with her, in fear of himself going to prison. prison was the only thing stopping him, he said it himself that he thought she was sexy and wanted to. and before anyone says anything about how debbie did tell him she was 16 at first when he first started to like her, he could obviously tell. the point was that it was obvious she was lying. and yeah, what debbie did was wrong. i’ve said a lot about this before, but what he did was wrong, too. he led her on, flirted with her, promised to have sex with her, slept in the same bed as her, and also talked to all of her friends for some reason, he was a creep!! no grown adult should be hanging out/flirting with an adolescent girl, and it scares me that people defend him. like i said with ian, she was trying to fill a void. not only that, but she was mirroring fiona’s actions. she had seen her sister get into unhealthy relationships, so she did just. and the worst thing was debbie didn’t even like him, it was just comphet. so it was some adult with a one-sided crush on a teenager. creepy. at this time, frank was dying and fiona was working/locked up, she needed attention because she was lacking it, so she went to him for it because she knew he’d give her it.

lip’s situation i have less to say about because technically, he was an adult, but regardless, it was creepy as fuck. more so, his attachment to her was creepy. this is what happens when you get groomed, you grow attached. and lip was so fucking attached it destroyed him when she ignored him. like his siblings, this was to fill the void a parent created. but this time, frank isn’t responsible, monica is. i’ve never really spoken about this despite having a lot to say, but lip and monica’s relationship effects him a lot. i hate to say this, but he’s treated women like shit because of it (i’m not saying he always does, but he has- i’ll explain more in depth sometime) and his mother abandoning him clearly altered his perspective on women. i think that monica leaving made him (and every other sibling, especially debbie) grow attached easily, and i think it also made him lose respect for some women because he just saw his mom in them. i saw a post that explains this a lot better than i am right now so if i find it i’ll definitely link it so it makes more sense.

[rigginsstreet]

ok so overall thoughts of season 4 are:

very happy i ended up loving all the new characters because i am still very much in mourning over all the old characters lmao cant believe we're only left with tim and jesse plemons. well and julie. and i dont even know if theyre gonna be present in the final season! or to what extent! im having a crisis

anyway

um the whole becky tim thing was like.... there were better ways to do that like listen i get a horny 16 year old girl tryna fuck tim riggins i understand. but i wish we couldve unpacked more the ways in which tim was not tryna go down that road in relation to the fact that he was hooking up with older women as a teenager but again.... teenage male sexuality is never handled appropriately so WHATEVER. i'll let it go i GUESS. hes gonna find out about gay sex in prison anyway so at least we have that

so happy to see matt and landry following the time honored fnl tradition of vacationing with your boy best friend

also rip jesse plemons you will never be a girls top priority lmfao and thus you have to go to chicago with your boy bestie. understandable.

julie was SO close to discovering lesbianism. she denounced meat shes questioning god.... shes almost there she can do it i believe in her

speaking of why did the gay coach plot go absolutely nowhere? hello? rip gay people on this show you just never get talked about again or get shipped to new jersey. sad.

luke cafferty saddest boy in dillon texas i love you..... he has so many problems. im sure his mother is all of them.

vince. love you. make good choices. im sure nothing bad at all will happen to him next season regarding him walking away from that gang man.

TAMI TAYLOR THE WOMAN THAT YOU ARE! thats it.

i miss tyra collette every day WHY was she not present for her nephews birth! angry! but im about to go of the rails when she shows up in season 5 so get ready for that. ive already seen things i know things. im about to be annoying about all of them.

[floripire]

ok but say the triad + sire + hunter combo yeets out of existence tomorrow, what would flori do without this burden? and would she take action to get rid of them?

askbox fun // @troubleah

what if they're gone tomorrow?

if they were all gone tomorrow, just like that? i think the first thing flori would do is cry out of sheer relief, hug the first person she sees and then take a long nap. she's been thinking and overthinking and formulating ideas and (contingency) plans and crunching the numbers in her head for so long that i think she needs a minute to breathe and be.

it'd be weird at first because being stressed about triad and her sire and the hunter trio has been her default for ages and what does she do now that they're not an issue anymore?

after being all cried out and hugged out and after taking that nap, she focuses on graduating. then she actually wants to amass enough funds to travel and to be able see the world (which she'd do by working in cybersecurity to make sure that the supernatural secret doesn't get out).

would she take action to get rid of them?

she would love to be able to - and she has plans that she could put into motion - but she doesn't think she can. not alone, at least. flori would have to bring people in for that to happen.

the story so far

for now, as it stands, the ball starts rolling after graduation.

after graduating, flori is off with @founderscouncil's jed on a roadtrip to find his sisters. it's a long, hard road(trip) and it's not always sunshine and moonbeams and roses but eventually, they do find them.

then, flori returns to her hometown of maple hollows with jed and his sisters in tow. it is there that she comes face to face with her human ex, doug carson, his ex joe flowers - a strong witch who is related to theophilia flowers - and the very human and very sadistic tami bryce, who is currently dating doug.

(yeah, it's a whole busted up love hexagon!)

the hunter trio are here for revenge against flori for killing sue. jed makes sure his sisters get out of dodge. then, the hunter trio rough jed up and their plan gets revealed because tami bryce doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut.

so she tells flori and jed all about how they're working with triad industries - veronica greasley and mr burr are very nice people, she says - and with flori's sire.

she tells them all about how they're going around, hopping from town to town, protecting regular people, humans, and making sure no vampire can do what flori did to sue ever again.

tami is weirdly excited about joe's liquid sunlight concoction and the way it burns down (and through) a vampire's throat but that's a last resort, which makes her sad because she wanted to play.

tami perks up, however, when joe flowers orchestrates a reverse headdive by forcing his way into flori's head and taking everyone in the room with him.

flori fights them off and gets them out of her head, surviving this harrowing encounter by the skin of her teeth.

back in the real world, the hunter trio is dead. flori and jed get back to his sisters and to the school.

as for flori's sire: he pops back up when everything's sort of settled down (for now).

it's not so much that derek machado (who i've headcanoned to be sheriff machado's estranged brother and uncle to ethan and maya) wants flori dead. it's not about flori, specifically. it never has been.

no, she's just a link in a long chain that ultimately leads to hope mikaelson. flori just happens to know her.

in derek's mind, he can justify harming or even killing his progeny (something he never really wanted in the first place) because it'll bring him a step closer to hope's friends and they bring him a step closer to killing her.

he's obsessed with exacting his revenge against the mikaelson family as a whole, but especially klaus because klaus ruined his life and killed derek's chosen family and now he's gonna repay the favor. no matter what.

in the end, hope kills derek before he can hurt or kill anyone else and flori works with mg and both their squads to round up triad to the best of their respective abilities and flori, especially, works tirelessly to get the triad industries detention facility shut down.

what happens next?

flori keeps in touch with everyone post graduation - especially loren and @ofvalor's mia - and moves into a little apartment in town. she keeps up with cybersecurity but now does it for the salvatore school. it pays well.

aside from that, flori also focuses on fully immersing herself in the night world. the night world is an underground society consisting of vampires, werewolves, witches and other shapeshifters. they've got their own laws and they've got their own council and elders.

she's learning about the soulmate principle. she's asking @soulmateprinciple about the dark kingdom. she's visiting several enclaves; she's often found in harmony, virginia too and the next place on her long list of places to visit is chance harbor, washington. which is both the hometown of the chance harbor circle and selena harman-dalisay's hometown. it is also the new stomping ground of john blackwell's children.

meanwhile, flori is also planning on asking around about the dark dimension (which i headcanoned malivore to be a part of) to the best of her ability.

she's also reconnecting with her maternal family - the harmans - and connects with the redfern vampires too. she ends up becoming a part of circle daybreak, aiding them in finding the wild powers - one of nature's loopholes aside from the red oak tree - and finds that there is a threat looming on the horizon: the old powers are rising up.

some figure that this is happening in response to hope mikaelson quote-unquote 'becoming' the tribrid. others merely think it was always going to happen like this, tribrid or no tribrid.

(the zetes institute - where flori's friend wade rivers once resided before coming to the salvatore school - seems much too interested in everything - read: hope becoming the tribrid - that's happened so far.

doctor emmanuel zetes' original focus was on psychics and harnessing their abilities through crystals, either for himself or for his young daughter, lydia. but he has since expanded his view and now collects anything and everything that is supernatural and special like trinkets. he loves his trinkets.

and he loves everything and anything that gives him a leg up in this world. possessing the tribrid would catapult him to heights unknown. he also couldn't be happier with the fact that triad industries seems to be out of the picture indefinitely.)

for now, flori is going to live the second life she's been granted with the people she loves by her side, discovering the world because she is ready for it and it's so, so much bigger than she ever thought it was.

there is still so much to see, so much to do, so much to learn. there are different strains of vampires all around, after all: in forks, washington; in savannah, georgia; in bon temps, louisiana and flori wants to meet them all. she's got so many questions.

[theadventuresoftheninja]

The Adventures of the ninja

Chapter 9

Secrets that cannot be shared

The headmistress’s eyes was wide opened

After a few minutes in silence the headmistress began to talk.

“Crows… in the sky… secrets come as they fly,

Some secrets are meant to be shared but some…

needs to be hidden far away where until death could find them”

Said the headmistress as a poem.

“But mother…” Before Nyx said anymore words The headmistress leaves the room.

“So we came all the way here for nothing?!” Rosie said annoyed.

“I guess so” said Nyx lowering her head

Then we stood in the living room silent not knowing what to do

Then I opened my mouth. “Come on guys let’s go to the park and relax we had a long day”

Everyone just nodded and soon we went our way to the park.

Soon we arrived at the park.

We sat in the near bench and stood silent.

“So… what should we talk about” i asked as an effort to break the silence but no one spoke.

Then Rosie began to speak “I’m sorry everyone” said Rosie in a sad tone

“Sorry?” Asked Nyx

Me and Tamie also was confused about why Rosie was apologizing.

“I mean I’m sorry that I dragged us over here to have a search about the ninja but turned out we came here for nothing” said Rosie clearly upset.

“Hey don’t be upset Rosie is not your fault.” Tamie said trying to cheer Rosie up.

“No it is my fault” Rosie said Lowering her head.

Nyx sighed and said “If only we had a book telling us some information about the ninja”

Then a idea came to my head I could use the ninja nomicon to get some information about the ninja. But how obviously I can’t tell my friends about this since I promised the first ninja to keep my identity a secret.

“Hey guy’s I think I might have an idea about the ninja” I said to my friends standing up from the bench.

“You do?” Asked Rosie looking at me

“Yeah but wait for me bit. ok” I said trying to be smooth.

“Ok” Rosie said.

Nyx just nodded.

Tamie nodded as well.

I quickly ran to the farthest tree and sat down and opened my bag to get the ninja nomicon.

As I hold the ninja nomicon in my hand. I gently opened the ninja nomicon and soon as I knew it I was in the ninja nomicon.

“Ok nomicon I need to get some information about the previous ninja. Can you tell me what happened to them?” I asked the nomicon.

Then the nomicon began to blow a wind violently that I was almost flying. I had to hold the ground with my hand very hard. It was like the nomicon was trying to kick me out.

“Nomicon what are you doing?!” I asked trying to tighten my grip.

The ninja nomicon then wrote these letters above

“ The Ninja can’t learn everything”

When I rad the letters above I could feel my anger bottling up. Me and my friends were searching for some information about ninja for a whole day A WHOLE DAY! But we couldn’t find anything and the only two who could help us chose to stay quiet. I was done with the secrets.

“Ninja nomicon I don’t know why you’re trying to hide the information about the previous ninja. This is so unfair. You say that The ninja can’t learn everything but I want learn everything about the ninja and the lessons you give me and besides weren’t you supposed to teach me about what the previous ninjas done in the past. So please tell me one information about the ninja” I screamed while barely trying to hold the ground tightly.

Then the wind slowly stoped.

Then a mysterious voice suddenly spoke.

“A long time ago, the ninja lived happily with their family but everything changed when the sorceress returned. She was furious with the ninja for destroying the evil sorcerer her lover. So the sorceress used a spell to create a creation that had the DNA of the sorcerer and the sorceress it self. The creation only purpose was to continue the mission that sorcerer left behind. The creation tried to destroy the ninja and its family. The ninja fearing the worst hid himself and their spouse inside the ninja nomicon while leaving their daughter in trust of the Ninja’s Tomodachi.”

After the mysterious explained that information. I began to speak.

“So your saying that the previous ninja has daughter! That’s great I can’t wait to tell the others!” I said excitedly but then the nomicon was shaking very bad like I said something bad.

“I need to keep this information to myself aren’t I?”

I said to the nomicon while trying to hold my balance.

Then the nomicon stopped shaking.

“Soo can you tell me where the ninja’s daughter is like her address or where the ninja’s Tomodaichi?,Can at least meet the previous ninja?” But before I could say anything else I was pulled back to the real world.

“So you won’t tell me anything about the previous ninja will you?” I asked the book in front of me

The nomicon just closed itself to answer my question.

“Ok thanks anyways nomicon.” I said went back to my friends

“So did you find anything?” Asked Tamie.

“No I didn’t” I answered as a lie to keep my word to the nomicon.

“I knew it! I dragged everyone here for nothing!” Rosie said sounding more upset

“ Hey let’s not be this sad after all it’s just a ninja.” I said to cheer everyone up

“Ami has a point” Nyx said then I continued.

“Hey Rosie why don’t we read puppies vs kittens 2 together?” I asked to Rosie

Rosie then tilted her head up and smiled so softly.

“Ok” said Rosie

Then together we went to the library to read puppies vs kittens 2.

But I still needed to learn about the previous ninja and being the ninja. Oh well nothing bad can happen by not knowing much… right?

-end of chapter-

[itstam49]

I find it sad but comforting at the same time that I know you’ll never see these posts. It’s a way for me to let my feelings be known, but also keep it hidden from you.

What I wish… I wish I never had to go through this again. But at least I know now that the opportunity for it to happen again will never be. It hurts more to know that hope has died and is even more heartbreaking for me to actually have to let everything go this time for real. It’s me having to finally close the door to this chapter and start anew. It’s scary and lonely, but something I have to do.

I just saw the moon… and for a moment I wondered if you saw it too. So close, yet so far away. I miss you so much, but I know you’re too busy trying to survive to even think about or miss me and it’s ok. One day, one day you’ll miss how much I bothered you or wanted all your attention.

Ms Tami

[shift-shaping]

Hello there! Just wondering if its okay for you to check the post i pinned and reblog/boost it? Im in desperate need of help im really sorry for coming across your inbox (pls answer this privately) only if its ok 😞 thank you and stay safe

Hi everyone! This is a scam. And a great opportunity to show you all how to find that out.

These types of scams typically take a very specific form:

A blog that's only a few days old follows you. (Check!)

They have a couple reblogs and a blog description to make you think they're real. (Check!)

They send you an ask requesting that you reblog their pinned post, which is a heart wrenching story about a very cute dog or cat that requests donations via paypal (Check!)

They tell you to answer their ask privately (Check!)

The stars have aligned --this is very likely a scam! But the cat is so cute and the story is so sad, how can we be sure this is fake?

You could do a reverse image search on the pictures of the cat, but that doesn't work on more veteran scammers that have learned where to find images that don't show up in a search. In fact, this particular scammer is using the time-tested method of totally co-opting a real person's struggle to bilk money from strangers!

You'll notice there's no Tamie Wilcox mentioned here. The real Felix is at home and doing much better as of July 10th.

The best tactic to take here is to Google the PayPal username. In this case: tamiewlcx

If the Google results look like this, we've got a scammer.

A good rule to follow is to ALWAYS be suspicious of donation posts. I only reblog posts from people I've known and trusted for a long time. It's also a red flag if someone tells you to answer their ask privately.

Could a donation post that asks you to answer privately be real? Sure! That's why it's important to dig a bit deeper. It's tempting to just reblog their post and be done with it, but if you actually want to help the person or animal at the center of a request like this, you need to do your due diligence.

And don't forget to report the account that sent you the ask! Here's how:

(phishing typically refers to a slightly different type of scam, but Tumblr is a garbage website that doesn't have a better option)

This user has unfortunately been doing this for a little while and has made at least $20 if the comments on their pinned post are anything to go by. The real Felix could have used that money instead.

Keep your wits about you!

[yesthatssadirichardslove]

Taye Diggs writes a children's book about racial injustice

NEW YORK

In a powerful new book for children, a little girl looks at a crowd of street protesters and asks: Why are those people marching? A few pages later, a child asks her family: Why are buildings burning?

“Why?: A Conversation About Race” by actor Taye Diggs with illustrations by Shane W. Evans is an unvarnished look at social activism from the eyes of Black children as they struggle to understand demands for change. It comes out Feb. 1 from Macmillan's Feiwel and Friends imprint.

“I needed to be honest,” Diggs says in an interview with his illustrator. “And sometimes being honest and real can be uncomfortable. And I think that that’s OK.”

The book portrays a series of questions from kids posed to adults. One is: Why are people crying near a makeshift memorial? “Our people are crying because we are in pain,” comes the answer. Another question asks why are protestors shouting. An adult explains: “Our people are shouting because we need to be heard.”

Evans' expressive drawings show each child's face change from worry to understanding as they digest what they hear from loved ones. His protesters hold banners and signs but they are blank — a nod to the sad timelessness of the fight for racial justice.

“I think the beauty of the words and the pictures together is that there’s a way to kind of speak above the fray,” says Evans, who was inspired in his drawings by deep talks with his daughter in their car.

While the book ends on a hopeful note, Diggs and Evans do not shy away from discussing that some protests have ended with burning buildings. “Sometimes buildings must burn,” an adult says. “The buildings burn for us. The anger burning those buildings is us.”

Diggs says he wanted to be honest and not instantly declare what was right and what was wrong. He wanted to look at the roots of the issue and start a conversation, something that didn't happen when he was young.

“If someone had taken the time to sit with me and say, ‘Well, let’s see. Why do you think these people are doing this?’ then that opens up a different conversation,” he says.

“With this book, I wanted to kind of give folks an opportunity to just sit in what was happening and look at it before passing judgment.”

A number of recent picture books take aim at racial injustice, including the upcoming “Goodnight, Racism” from Ibram X. Kendi and “All Because You Matter,” by Tami Charles and Bryan Collier. Many more shine new light on Black history.

“Why?” represents Diggs and Evans' fifth children's book together, a collaboration that started with 2011's “Chocolate Me,” which spotlighted what it feels like to look different and get teased at school.

Their books have explored Blackness, growing up biracial, handling friendship and dealing with separated parents, with titles like “Mixed Me!” and “My Friend!”

“I only write when I feel moved. So whenever I feel moved, I know it’s coming from a place that I know is real,” says Diggs, the star of “Rent” and “How Stella Got Her Groove Back.”

“It feels like something I need to do and I have to get off my chest, and it usually comes very easily. And that’s when I know it’s coming from a real place.”

Evans and Diggs first met in the 1980s when they were students at a performing arts high school in Rochester, New York. (Evans recalled the two harmonizing while singing The Police's "“De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da”) Their bond continued at Syracuse University, where they played together in a band.

“From the moment Shane and I started to work together, we both knew it was something kind of bigger than us,” says Diggs. Evans agrees: “I don’t want to sound corny, but the word kismet comes to mind.”

Diggs says he's always amazed at what Evans dreams up to illustrate his words, allowing him to see in a different way what the narrative can mean.

“There’s trust and confidence and an excitement that is there. It’s always kind of like a gift — like a present, like a birthday present — after we give Shane the words and then to slowly see the images that come from it. No one is ever disappointed.”

[dreamylyfe-x]

11x04: NIMBY Reactions

Oh my God, that’s the good stuff right there. I’ve been hanging on for the middle of the season, where I have felt pretty certain the tone -- with Gallavich particularly -- might shift and I was NOT disappointed. 

So first thing’s first: though Mickey had barely anything to do with the A Plot (Milkoviches Next Door) I still thought this episode was the best  Mickey-being-Mickey-as-I-know-and-love-him  episode we’ve had yet. (Though fair warning, I thought 11x03 had some quality classic Mickey in it -- just mostly the scenes without Ian.) 

Before we get started on Mickey, though, this is the second episode in a row where I’ve enjoyed the Frank plot? Granted, it was LARGELY Liam that I enjoyed, but I was still watching the Frank plot and that is a major shift from season 10, where I barely bothered. 

But yeah. Ok. Mickey. This episode was such a great Mickey episode from start to finish. One of the things I love about Shameless is the whole thing where normal for kids living in desperate conditions, while very different from most people’s normal, is still normal for THEM. And I really enjoyed Mickey watching the Milkoviches move in while giving the Gallaghers key intel on exactly what they were seeing. And kinda understanding how messed up some of it was in real time. That’s a real experience people have -- being mid-story and suddenly thinking “Yeah. This is way more fucked up than I realized.”  

I also enjoyed the several moments in the episode where Mickey overtly acknowledged that his family is insane, he just doesn’t like the Gallaghers looking down on him. Which: valid. 

Speaking of -- finally we find out the state of the Mickey-Terry relationship. Which is: there isn’t one. Another thing I loved is that Mickey shares the desire to see his family move on, but he’s not going to bother engaging with it. He’s going to work on getting him and Ian out of there, and pay hardly any attention to his family. Love that for him. 

I also love love LOVE that, now that he has a bead on something to do for money that doesn’t fill him with dread, Mickey is taking the same attitude he had when Ian was working and he wasn’t -- which is that he’s going to take care of things. As someone who was baffled at Mickey’s inaction and willingness to let Ian do all the work in the first few episodes, I really loved this. Because it’s consistent and it indicates that his world view just kinda like... Someone has to be taking care of the money part, and that might shift back and forth between him and Ian, but the result of the effort is going to be shared between them. I understand where Ian was coming from -- especially when Mickey kept returning to criminal enterprise -- but it’s nice to see a little more of how Mickey views things. 

Also, I know this is very well observed, so I’m retreading well-worn ground, but the scene with the cereal. Gah. I love it. Ian regressing -- I know they gave us the shot of the bottle of Jamison, but I felt like they were getting their point across with the cereal and the cartoons. And Ian not answering or responding to Mickey right away was extremely evocative of Ian’s history of depressive episodes. I loved how forthright Ian was about how awful the prospect of finding another job was, because it’s covertly agreeing with everything Mickey was saying in the first few episodes, too. 

There are so many little things I like about this scene. Mickey coming down the front stairs instead of the back, like he intuitively knows where Ian is at. Ian watching Harley Quinn cartoons, as both an in-joke AND as a believable cartoon choice. Mickey picking up the bottle, checking it’s weight and then just... moving it a little to the side. Mickey putting himself between Ian the TV. Mickey already having a plan for Ian. Just so much good stuff in there. 

Also, let’s talk about Ian for a minute here. One reason I hesitate to call anything OOC with these two is that the book generally isn’t closed. I really didn’t get the “I’m on my honeymoon” stuff, but after this episode, it folds in a lot better with what is going on with these two. Another thing that folds in better is Ian’s mounting frustration -- which is VERY Ian. He starts out with this forced buoyancy -- we’re going to get out own place, you are going to get a legal job so you can stay out of prison, I am going to make this warehouse gig work, and even though I’m frustrated and losing patience, I’m still trying to talk things out, and touching your hand and trying to ground everything in the fact that we’re together and we love each other -- and then we see that get chipped away at. Ian’s paycheque reveals that he’s being scammed out of a living wage. Mickey takes the road less travelled and immediately brings in more money that he’s every going to be able to get through the jobs he can currently get as a parolee. Mickey isn’t gracious about this, and the tension ramps up and that four episodes later he’s just walking around with a well-established and throughly justified black cloud over his head. 

The Milkovich’s really arrive like they’ve bought a White Trash in a Bag collection from Target. They seem to even have brought mattresses expressly for the front yard. 

OMG, Mickey got a scene with Sandy (and Debbie). But honestly, my favourite beat is the look Franny gives Mickey after he says kids are idiots. I also love how Sandy joins Mickey in just not seeing a point in waging battle against their family.

Lip, this is a little thing, but you aren’t supposed to eat breakfast, brunch, lunch and dinner. Brunch ideally REDUCES the number of meals you eat. But the key brunch move is to order something you can’t/wouldn’t make at home. Do not pay $14 for eggs and toast. 

So. Ok. I have seen some people very annoyed that Ian is so focused on Mickey not going back to prison, but I can’t see what is wrong with this. He just flat out isn't wrong to worry about it. It would be devastating if that happened. Mickey and Ian are extremely fortunate that he’s out at all. It’s a truly bizarre turn of events and I do not fault Ian for having a lot of concern about anything happening to jeopardize Mickey’s freedom. I also think this is confirmation that Ian just flat out doesn’t want to be without Mickey. I think he’s depressed -- and therefore extremely pessimistic -- in this episode, but there is far more indication that Ian wants Mickey around than that he doesn’t, so of course he’d be extremely focused on this concern. Also Cam puts some tremor onto “get sent back to prison” that really grabs my heart and squeezes. 

Cam in the towel is just good news. Mickey’s adorable with the gun. This scene is cute. 

This is the episode where I gave up on side-eying the Gemma-is-Superior running joke and just accepted it as kinda funny. Something about third-party confirmation. I dunno.

I enjoy the fact that Debbie apparently doesn’t know Sandy lives with them? Also, that feels like an Ian move. Gets boyfriend, moves in with boyfriend. 

The fact that Mickey is low-key playing Ian to get him to join him in this MUCH more promising venture is my absolute favourite. Bless the director for that foreground Mickey shot. Bless Noel for that nuanced facial expression. Bless everyone involved in that moment. It is one of my favourite things ever. 

I love that Ian’s whole reason for these outfits is so that Mickey will LOOK dangerous and not have to defend himself, thus staying out of trouble. That’s deeply, deeply sweet. 

Another sign that something is even more wrong with Frank than usual when he fully forgets the entire trip to visit the Brotherhood. 

I didn’t love V vs. Debbie but I really did enjoy Kev aligns with Frank, and also has a scene with Mickey. And that they weren’t silo’ed off on their own. 

So the eventual reveal we get that the old lady loves having rough sex with Terry was not a surprise to me because a) Shameless, but b) because of Christian’s face. Christian’s facial expressions are among my favourite on the show right now. 

I love this gif set by @sickness-health-all-that-shit.  What can I say except “look! Ian is smiling!” 

Mickey should be a better liar, but you know. He isn’t. 

I do like that, in this moment, the things they both bring to the enterprise come together to create a new possibility. This is pretty much exactly what I HOPED was going to happen and I love to see it. 

I think I’m going to ignore the Tami storyline because it was gross (not bad, but ... gross.) Also @fiona-fififi already wrote something that is much more comprehensive... I get the frustration, but just no part of me thinks Ian would allow himself to go where Tami did in examining what happened to her. Not at this point in his life. Which is sad, but very much in line with how Ian handles himself. 

Um. Yeah. Carl. Glad you’re not fully participating, Carl. But this is untenable. 

Overall, I am all the way in on this storyline for Ian and Mickey -- and pretty into the idea of V getting involved with politics. I think we’re getting all the seeds of where this show is going to leave the characters. And I haven’t loved every moment, but I do feel like the overall show is working for me better than last season. 

That might be faint praise. But I really liked this one. Best yet. 

[sastheforestspirit]

Ok I've reach sad past when Will Smith haven't hit Rock yet and it's sign I can stop scrolling

Also I've told Tami about 10 years t&b show and she was like: no. No don't tell me. I will never trust 10tg anniversary shows"

[vhagarswattle]

I can’t stand this freshman quarterback story line. They wanna give us some sad little kid to care to care about but guess WHAT i DONT! You want me to care about some little twerp whose dad hit him one time and meanwhile Matt’s grandma need to go into a home and matt wants to go art school in Chicago?? PUHleaze.

The whole thing with the freshman doesn’t make any sense! Suddenly tami and coach care about the fact they are mandatory reporters because they cant turn their backs on the dad hitting him, when for the past eight seasons Tim Riggins hasn’t had a parent in the house and Matt is the caregiver for his grandma and his father abandoned him to fight a war. Ok. And now we’re doing this whole storyline where the Texas child protective services are gonna take a right white kid from his rich white parents and put him foster care. Ok. Sure

[ryuichirou]

do u have any favorite dj artists?

Yeah, a bunch of them! I’ll name a few, but there are definitely more very cool artists that I’m forgetting about right now. These ones are just those who I came to mind first +  those whose work I had saved for the occasional appreciation.

Please keep in mind that despite me whining about the characters being OOC all the time, these are also somewhat OOC (some of them are very OOC). I guess their characteristics are simply shifted in a way that we like so I don’t mind is as much, and sometimes the concept/artstyle/everything is just way too good for me to think about how character act.

Another disclaimer: the words “weird” and “messed up” are going to be used a bunch of times, but I mean them as compliments. When it comes to us and djs, the weirder and more messed up they are, the merrier. Here is the list with my little and not helpful summaries:

Atsukunare Kubota (Ereri) – I’d marry her djs if I could lol Her artstyle is so much fun to look at, her ideas are, well, a little weird, but this is why I love them – you’ll never be like “oh right I forgot that I read that”, they’ll be stuck with you forever. And I mean it, it really is the type of stuff where you go “oh I’m not sure if I’m going to like it- woah ok that was fun I’m kind of into it”. I’m so sad she doesn’t post new stuff on pixiv anymore… 

Ongre/Onjire/Tamy (Ereri) – another fave when it comes to Ereri djs. Her works are extremely funny and fun to read, some of them radiate such chaotic energy... it’s so enjoyable to watch lol Her Eren is insane, her Levi is grumpy and cute and she always does her best to showcase how feral Eren is and how adorable Levi is. She has good nsfw scenes too!

8205 (Ereri) – this one is very dear to me and very unique. 8205’s work is very interesting, she rewrites everything about the characters – their age, their “role” (for example, in the latest dj Reiner and Bert are Connie’s grandparents), and it still works well somehow?? Sometimes it all feels ridiculous and funny, but it still is very touching and beautiful. And creepy, it’s also creepy from time to time, I love it. I think I’d read those works even if they weren’t SnK djs. There are some nsfw scenes here and there, but not many, unfortunately. Katsu’s note: I’m ready to die for her Eren and for the author’s fashion sense.  

Zokugun Porno/Inumoto (Ereri) – their djs are more story-oriented, and their stories are interesting to read. I wouldn’t call them super creepy or dark and heavy per-se, but there is some ehh fleur of tragedy in some of their work. The atmosphere is amazing, I love this type of stuff. These djs also have some nice nsfw scenes, these are amazing too. Oh, and I really like how they work with Eren/Levi dynamic and incorporate it into AUs. 

Melomelow/Hyura (Eruri) – our all-time fave. The queen of size difference between Levi and Erwin. Her nsfw scenes are hot af, her Erwin is not ok in a beautiful way, her Levi is… well I was thinking for 5 min but I couldn’t come up with a perfect way to describe him lol, he’s just too good.

Chiruchiru (Eruri) – she has some good depressing djs, some more or less light-hearted ones, but her nsfw scenes are always great (and sometimes it gets weird…). She does Eruri’s size difference justice too, I appreciate her work a lot. 

Hakodume/x_hako (Eruri) – I absolutely adore her work. The storyboard, the frame composition, the artstyle itself – it’s gorgeous. Too bad she keeps deleting all of her galleries ;w; Her work is mostly sfw though, but still, very beautiful.

Uchu Kago (Eruri) – I don’t even have words for this one, every time they’re kind enough to share their dj in its entirety on pixiv I cry a little because of how good their Eruris are. Their AUs are very interesting, they has tons of very cool concepts with them, and oh my god THE SIZE DIFFEREEENCEEEEE it murders me every time we read any of their djs.

鼻子 (Eruri) – their works have such a great dark and depressing atmosphere. They’re mostly story-oriented with great and very fitting visuals: dramatic shading, hatching, rough lines, all this stuff makes their djs feel very… unnerving. In a very good way, I love it when djs make me feel uneasy.

Honorable mentions: here are a bunch of great artists who post short comics and art that we really enjoy. It’s mostly comical and sfw, but occasionally there is nsfw stuff too.

Si_tano (Ereri) – this person draws djs too and have a lot of previews on their pixiv page, and I’d commit a rumbling to be able to pay them and read any of those, but they also post a lot of short funny comics about Eren and Levi. They also have a series of sketches with Erewan 

Migiri (Ereri AND Eruri!) – this person’s short comics art hilarious, I adore their portrayal of Levi and the fact that they ship both of our fav ships. A lof of their works have “two idiots are madly in love with Levi who is just chillin’ there” dynamic and it’s great. 

Zundamochi (Ereri) – we’re in love with this artist’s Eren LOL he’s so moody and clingy and angry, it’s so close to how we see Eren, it’s always a national holiday for us when they post something new. Such a joy. Levi is adorable too

Bubiomaru – they mostly post non-shippy art nowadays, but they have short comics with both Ereri and Eruri. Although their non-shippy art is hilarious too 

Koka-tin (Ereri, Eruri, etc) – they mostly post illustrations, but there are some short stories here and there (both sfw and nsfw). Levi-centric, and oh god if their Levi is good. They illustrate his nature and his sexiness perfectly. There are  a lot of unexpected ideas, stories and characters’ combinations, their mind amazes me. And the art itself is breathtaking good . 

シャケ (Ereri, Eruri, Zevi, etc…) - their Levi is round, soft, smol, tiny, kittenish, everything. And woah they ship him with Zeke!! Well, they ship him with a lot of people, but Zeke is one of them and I’m grateful for that. You most likely won’t like their stuff though, I’m pretty sure about that. You’ll see what I mean when you see their Levi lol 

Once again, there are a lot of people that I’m forgetting about or don’t remember well enough to describe their work, since it’s been forever since I’ve reread some of the older djs… But I think that’s enough for now lol

Too bad there are no Zevi djs yet…….sob

[stonerbughead]

Maria watches friday night lights (#26)

5x03 here we are, Julie’s bad decisions are piling up! (I watched 5x04+5x05 too, just gotta edit all my ramblings into coherency.)

under the cut:

Wow the level of Lions pride there now is is truly amazing. It’s wild that Buddy now owns this East Dillon watering hole! Weirdly like...growth? Given how many different types of people are gathered to celebrate this team that was revitalized only a year ago? Wild.

Uh oh, why does Vince’s father getting out of prison seem like a bad thing. God things were finally going well for him!

Also love how I was equally as disturbed as Vince was by his mom cleaning, knew something was up!

Omg the video with Maura went viral! 2,000 hits. That’s like everyone their age right? 😬

“We didn’t do any of this crap when we were kids.” Tami’s look of “yeah right” made me lol

“You think maybe people change? You changed.” I was about to say it but then Vince did: “I don’t know. I ain’t gone to jail.” Bc the problem is — the prison system ensures that people remain in a permanent underclass once paroled, making it nearly impossible to escape the cycle. so unfortunately it seems very unlikely Vince’s dad changed for the better while in a prison, which is an inherently violent and traumatizing place to be, let alone for five years when he already had a track record for treating your mom like trash...oh babe.

Oh nooo Buddy Jr. is smoking weed. West coast, brother! Lol

Yikes this is really sad, Tami is like trying to subtly be like to Maura, ‘sooo did seeing a bunch of guys passing you around while drunk on video like...maybe traumatize you a bit?’ And Maura’s like ‘WE WERE HAVING FUN HAVE YOU EVER PARTIED.’ Hello, internalized misogyny and a need for therapy, plz honey. Seems like her parents are a lot angrier than she is!

“daddy issues.com, I feel you” is literally what I nervously sang out loud at Vince and his father reuniting.

Omg they’re forcing the girls alone to listen to a really boring lecture on alcohol? This just doesn’t seem effective.

Holy shit two of the football players were making fun of the video.....? Disgusting. Rape culture is the fact that people are making fun of a girl being passed around like a rag doll!

The TA giving Julie a C- bc he’s “spent time with her” and “knows she can do better” is super manipulative and creepy and oh boy I hate this harmful dynamic. He’s literally GRADING HER PAPERS. Nope nope nope.

oh god not the ol “weekly salon for promising students the professor just so happens to host” trope! OH GOD

Ooooh making Jess equipment manager??? Tami is the best. Aw Jess is so excited! I’m so glad that within five seasons they included a character like her who is a girl who also grew up with football and loves it more than some of the guys on this show do!

Ooooh they’re doing shirts and ties instead of jerseys on game days and community outreach. Mmhmm ok revive your image

Vince is losing his confidence and motivation as a captain now his dad’s home noooooo

Lol I knew Buddy was gonna blame the weed on “that hippie Kevin.” So predictable.

“You know maybe it’s not about you and it’s not about Pam, it’s about your son, who happens to need you.” YES ERIC TELL HIM

“Nobody said being a dad’s gonna be easy.” OOH OOH Eric give my dad one of these talks next

“Girls in locker rooms are bad ideas.” I can’t. Lol Tami got lil toddler Grace to say “think about it, daddy!!” She doesn’t play nice.

LMAO I have never related to Vince more than in this moment: “did you talk to your dad?” “Yep.” “how did it go?” *sprints away without answering*

Okay here we are, douchey assholes at the ~salon~ and Julie with a glass of champagne and a devious smile looks like she’s on a mission.

“You must be so proud to have such a distinguished wife.” Oh Jesus TA’s wife’s away on a “sabbatical in Boston.” I see where this illicit romance is going and THANKS I HATE IT

Oh geez Vince doesn’t like Jess being equipment manager? She looks so cute and excited!

Oh boy, Maura is clearly going through some shit, she is relishing in being caught. I know that Tami is judging making out in a supply closet as a concept, but it can be hot—however, in this particular case, i have to agree on not romantic.

“Everyone thinks that I’m married but I don’t feel like I am.” Lines men say before they cheat on their wife with an underage student under their tutelage they shouldn’t be pursuing even if they’re single.

“You’re an awesome girl, Julie Taylor.” Key word ‘GIRL.’ Now he’s saying he feels “comfortable with her” and “if it were a different time and a different place.” This is what grooming sounds like.

Ewwwwwww

Oh noooo Julie you’ve been in college for like five minutes and you’ve already fucked a married TA. Oh honey NO.

Poor Vince. So much trauma between his mom and his dad.

Wowwww the transition from Vince fighting with his parents to walking in suit and tie past all the fans with signs 😭

Yes Eric reiterating he’s proud of Vince and so are his teammates after he goes off — I love how he can like tell something is off with him. He shuts the door and gets Vince to explain the home situation in like five mins.

“He never taught me how to better! How am I supposed to be better?” Omg yessss I feel you babe 😭

Oh god is Vince’s dad showing up gonna cost them this game

NOPE he just did an INSANE touchdown instead!!! Go Vince! “They call that the Tinker shuffle. They get a flag for excessive celebrating and who can blame them?”

“That was a hell of an effort. That’s character, Vince.” Awwww Eric’s so proud of him. His dad is sad. Welp, no thanks to you.

Omg their 3 and 0 East Side cheer at the bar sounds so much like the cheers our predominantly Black football team would do at our pep rallies I love it. This team has so much more heart and soul than the Panthers.

Omg Buddy Jr. is coming back to town???? Intrigue.

TA apologized and and acknowledged he knew it was wrong for teacher-student reasons! Yikes! Bc you know it’s gonna happen again!

“Only 17 years old and you’re already better than I ever was.” Damn Vince’s dad apologizing for not asking to move in after seeing him shine at the game, #growth

“Tonight for the first time in my life I knew what pride felt like. I mean, boy, that was crazy out there. You the man for real.” OMGGGG VINCE IS CRYING wow 🥺

[yellowninjaleopard]

Autumn winds chapter eleven: hazel eyes.

The boat came to a stop, autumn woke, rubbing her eyes. [*Guys wake up, were back, cmon, let's go get frisk.] Autumn and the others stepped out of the boat and made their way to the prison, suddenly, something ran into autumn and knocked her down. Autumn looked up and saw frisk, then she saw the king, queen and asriel behind them. "Autumn! Guys!" Said frisk as she hugged autumn, autumn hugged her back, she snuggled into Frisk's shoulder, then let go. The others then joined the hug, laughing and dog piling, the three royals were stunned to see so many human children in the underground, especially since they were supposed to be dead. The group then stood up together, spotting the monsters. Autumn looked wide eyed [*welp, we're jumped.] Frisk then got infront of the group and faced the monsters. "Wait! Their nice, they're my friends, they came to help me" the queen then smiled, and said "hello little ones, would you like to follow us? Don't worry, we will take good care of you" the group looked at each other, before nodding. Soon the group is sitting around the table with queen Toriel, king asgore and Prince asriel, autumn is sitting next to frisk. [*As soon as i heard frisk was missing, i jumped down here after her, i plan to get everyone back home, frisk is gonna come live with me, i was...Real sad to hear about her mom's, they were good people, that's hardly common anymore..] the queen nodded understanding. Frisk then said "autumns my best friend, even if i haven't seen her in three years, she couldn't have picked a better time to come home, I've really missed her..I hope we can get home soon.." asriel then said "don't worry, it might be hard, but we'll find a way. I promise." Autumn relaxed a bit. The conversation went on to who could make the best hot chocolate, autumn laughed [*you guys remind me of my dad and mom arguing over who gets to put me on their shoulder, don't worry, it's not bad, unless they decide to share, then it's nooooopa! Sorry pal! No doc for me today!] Frisk then laughed, she then explained to the dreamurrs that it was a joke about cutting someone down the middle to have her on both their shoulders. They all then laughed. Then noticed frisk freeze, she looked where frisk was looking, spotting chara. [*Hey! Creeper peeper! Wazaap dude?] Chara was shocked to see another human, none the less every other human he had killed. Toriel then looked and said "oh chara, we didn't mean to wake you!" The other kids then looked at chara, he then noticed their eyes were different, without their souls their eyes were grey.

after a bit of talking, Toriel then said "why don't you formally introduce yourselves, I'm sure you all must have gotten on the wrong end." Autumn took Frisk's hand, and smiled. She held out her hand and looked back at the others​, nodding in reassurance, she looked back at chara, held out her hand for a fist bump and smiled best she could. [*What's up dude? name's autumn, but my friends call me Tami sometimes, this is my bestest friend, her name is Francis, but we call her frisk. And that's bandy, irro, nona, Katt, Jodie, wimsum and penny, hope we can be buddies! How 'bout a Buddy-fist dude!] Chara doesn't accept autumn's fist bump, autumn then turns to frisk with a silly face [*guess he ain't a true bro, bro.] "Pfft, shut up dude!" frisk laughs, playfully digs her in the shoulder and gives her a fist bump leading to their secret handshake, and a thumbs up to chara, the others smile, autumn then tugs her new shirt, then looked at chara, still trying to be friendly [*hey look chara "underground, pride of Weinies"] autumn turns to the others [*I'm proud o'my underground Weinies! Hahaha!] Autumn gives frisk a playful noogie making frisk giggle "autumn! My hair dude!" The others laugh, Chara stands still, then holds his knife and whispers

"erase this."

Frisk looks confused, before chara swings his knife aiming to slit her neck. But autumn yanks frisk back behind her and grabs the knife, blood pours from her hands as she gripped the blade, both of her eyes burned a bright hazel, she pushed chara back with her foot and throws the blade away, her hands are cut deeply, she looks at chara who is shocked at this turn of events, the powerful fire in autumn's eyes was far stronger than his, or Frisk's. But not enough to reset, Just to gaze into past resets. [*Don't you dare call yourself human, you think because you have some special power you're god? You think you can avoid karma? Karma always gets you no matter who you believe yourself to be. I wont let you hurt frisk or anyone just because your life turned for the worst. You. Are. Pathetic. You will never regain the title of human, EVER.] Autumn then fell to her knees, her soul ached and burned, as if it were on fire. Asgore rushed and tackled chara. Toriel rushed to autumn as she fell on her side, clutching her chest, blood pouring from her hands, frisk desperately shook autumn, and held her hand, autumn's eyes started to lose the fire. "Autumn, your gonna be ok! Please don't close you're eyes! Please! Please!! I love you..Please bestie...Don't leave me like my mom's did...Please don't leave me again..." Frisk said, tears running down her face, autumn reached her hand up, the same one that bared the purple bracelet and wiped Frisk's tears, frisk gripped autumn's arm, with the same hand that bared her bracelet too. Autumn smiled as tears formed. [*...I love ya too frannie...I'm sorry things got so messed up...I'm sorry i missed those last three years...I..I'm sorry i didn't find you sooner...I...I love you...Please don't cry...Tell mom and dad I'm sorry...Be strong Frannie, stay determined...Please be strong for me...please...Frisky bits... You'll always be my bestest friend...] Autumns eyes closed, frisk felt her hand go limp in her embrace. Her eyes widened. "No...Autumn please No..Not again..Please..." Frisk leaned over autumn's body and sobbed, pleading her to wake up. Nona ran to autumn's body and cried. "Mana, mana wake up! Please don't leave! Mana!!!" The others started to sob as the one who had brought them together was possibly gone. Wimsum flew around and sobbed hard, Bandy fell to his knees and cried too, he crawled over to autumn's body and hugged her arm. Toriel begged asriel to lend autumn his healing magic, asriel then quickly began to heal autumn. Chara looked at the scenario, in shock. Not only at the power, but at the familiar scene, one he had just recreated, he was stunned until asgore yanked him up to the landline. "What shall i do with chara?" Toriel, now baring tears at the sight of frisk mourning her best friend, gained a dark look as she set eyes on the cause. "Get him out of my sight, that's not my chara." Said Toriel, whom continued to rub frisks back as she hugged autumn's body and sobbed hard.

"please....Please wake up, i don't want to be alone...Please autumn...Please wake up...*sniff* buddy...You'll always be my bestest friend too..."

To be continued

[*knowing that you saved your best friends life, fills you with COURAGE.]

[bellafarella]

My Shameless 10x08 thoughts

Ok so my only thoughts have to do with ian and mickey. I hate that they give tami and lip all these sweet, kissing, sex, lovey dovey bs scenes and then they give us 2 seconds of happiness between ian and mickey. It's always been like that but like with it being season fucking 10 and the struggle to bring them back together like u really cant give us more happy moments?!

That whole scene at the milkovich house made no gd sense... ya terry was homophobic as shit per usual but still the last time we saw him with mickey he tried to kill him and now hes all like ok with him and ian being partners and living together? So inconsistent I cant.

Ian flaking out on marrying mickey was so sad cause mickey seemed genuinely happy to do it even tho he hated the idea of marriage before (prob because it was to a woman and not the love of his life, ian). Like I get why ian was all worried at the end cause yes he loves mickey we heard him say it A Lot this episode (thank u!) but his main reason was the testifying against each other thing and I know mickey thought of that too after his convo at his father's but his anger is justifiable and I hate that they had him punch ian but honestly I feel like it was on brand for him even tho hes made bounds and leaps to who he was in s3 (when he beat ian up). He was very upset, he thinks ian doesnt wanna marry him for him and that hurt him so much so he does what he knows and lashes out physically. Hate that that's how ian breaks his leg and that thats mickeys default to hurt him when he feels hurt or betrayed but thats shameless for ya.

I just love them so much I wish we could get more sweet and tender moments like we do with tami and lip who nobody gives two flying fucks about. Also, Noel is fucking brilliant I love him so much, he had me fucking dying tonight omg. Cam is brilliant too, so many emotions on his face. They're amazing.

[dreamylyfe-x]

Loving on 10x12: Gallavich!

I don’t think I have much that’s unique to say, but I really have to talk about how good that episode was. On strong community advice I was trying to keep my expectations low. I loved the advance scene... like loved it. But I tried to keep myself in line and decided to be ok with no vows and very little actual wedding stuff. Like maaaaybe they’d do that. Or maybe it would all be hi-jinks and the wedding would be in a montage and nothing much would happen. 

But then it was SO MUCH good stuff. Which I want to record now. 

* First of all, so much good intra-Gallagher interaction. I feel like this is what the show does best and they do it so little, but it’s always great to see them all together fighting for a common goal. And it was awesome that the goal was a) stop Mickey from committing homicide in broad daylight and b) get Mickey and Ian married. 

* We are paying attention to the fact that Ian is bipolar. I will come back to that. 

* For the people who wanted to know how the wedding was being paid for, we have an answer: Crime. (I’m ok with this.) 

* I love the shot as Carl leaves the bedroom and pushes the door closed behind him, and we see Ian pulling off Mickey’s towel just as it closes. (The grab that proceeded it was nice, too.) 

* I’m easy: I’ve fully bought into Sandy and Debbie. I do not like Julia. 

* Oh the Sandy tip, it honestly does make sense to me that Mickey would have developed a bond with his lesbian cousin in his super homophobic family. And again: Mickey needs a friend. 

* Ok. Complaint. I don’t love the hitting? It’s just not for me. And I’m always like “Ok, it’s the show, this is the dynamic” and then I end up all “But... did it have to happen twice?” or “Did he have to walk UP the stairs to hit him?”

* I do not mind the biting. Feral is feral.

* Because I recall seeing some people being annoyed that Ian said Mickey was prone to murder, I just want to point out that Mickey is pretty prone to murder.

* The second scene with Mickey handcuffed by the washer is one of my favourite scenes of the season. (Wedding scenes are on a different metric.) Kinda drunk and literally being kept on a chain, making a list of what are probably some of Terry’s lesser crimes against him (but just so... petty. So cruel. So very much the acts of a man who just doesn’t care about anyone on any level and must ENJOY making his kids miserable. He has what? Five kids? That’s a lot of halloween candy to steal.) I don’t think Mickey talks that much about what Terry’s done to him to anyone, so seeing him innumerate these events to a relative, who knows all about them, just moved me. And then the “I love you. I LOVE you.” It sounded so similar to the one from 5x12. Like this is essential information Ian needs. 

* I also love how Mickey just gives up, honestly. I love it because it means everyone else has to step in to give him what he wants and I’m glad he got to have that experience, right down to Ian complimenting the chairs. 

* So much of the time Ian looks so adult and so far from the Ian from the first five seasons, but several times in this episode he was shot in a way where I could really see younger Ian in his face and I loved that. 

* Lip, suggesting a plan where Ian might have to watch Mickey marry a woman might not be your most sensitive moment. 

* The bow tie scene. Mickey is a hard no on kids. Ian wants them. Mickey immediately becomes a soft yes. That’s on brand. 

* They have gay friends! I’m not even talking about the Gay Jesus kids, but the people who turned up before that to make things awkward. Good to see. 

* I would not describe myself as a Debbie fan, but I really loved her this episode. Like it’s almost an “all is forgiven” amount of love. 

* Speaking of Gay Jesus, I was glad to see Geneva make a comeback, since it appeared that she’d completely abandoned him. And it made sense. I was thinking when he was on Grindr -- shouldn’t someone notice he’s Gay Jesus? Shouldn’t Bryon have, if he’s so politically informed? 

Ok. The wedding. So much has been said so well, but I need to obsess about a few little things. 

* Ian chose “At Last”. God. It made me feel how much he’s wanted this and for how long. Honestly, even with the years they were apart, did Ian really ever want anyone else? Really? 

* Franny is wonderfully accurate in her sloppy flower girl work. That’s what it’s like when the flower girl is four. 

* We got the vows. And they’re the traditional ones, which I thought was perfect. It’s hard for me to picture either of them doing more personal vows in front of people.  

* I thought Cam was so good here. Ian was so intent and he had that edge of emotion peaking through. And for both of them, I felt like they were saying these words everyone knows, but really making sure the other person heard them. And here's also where I come back to the fact that they uncharacteristically talked about Ian's meds earlier in the episode -- because it really echoes here. They've done for poorer and they've done sickness. And they did it as KIDS, so they really understand what they're promising each other and that just GOT to me. 

* I know I have so much company here, but Ian looks SO young when he asks "Now?" and then kisses Mickey like someone is about to take him away from him. And Mickey looks... happy. Eff you, Terry. He's happy. It's so beautiful. 

* Ian lifting Mickey's hand up as they walk down the aisle reminds me of the end of a boxing match and I love it, because this has been a fight, people. They fought for it, hard, and they emerged victorious. 

* Ok. So. The dance. @fiona-fififi wrote such a great, long piece about this and I will only be a dim echo here, but it was my favourite moment. Wedding stuff gets a different metric and of the wedding stuff, this was the part that got to me the most. They're married. Mickey is dancing with Sandy. Ian and Debbie (the only person to ever be a hero for wearing a wedding dress to a wedding that is not her own) are sitting together and Ian does something so vulnerable. He knows he's the kid who misses Monica the most. He knows he feels the loss in a way the others don't. And it makes sense to me that he says he misses her to Debbie, who has the best chance of getting it -- but it's still a risk. It's a confession and Debbie does what he needs her to do and tells him Monica would have loved this. Which is true. She might have RUINED it, but she would have loved it. She gives Ian permission to be sad, to grieve. And he lets the feelings come up and then he does the thing that always gets to me the MOST with these two. The kisses are great. They have some epic ones. But Gallavich hugs just rip my heart out. They just cling to each other, every time. There is nothing casual about it. And when Ian goes to "dance with his husband" he's actually going to just melt into him. And they bury their faces against each other, and he holds Mickey and they sway it's just... perfect. The song nails it. This, more than anything, makes me feel the love this show managed to create with these two. Which I believe on a level I rarely do. They fit together, they belong together and they really, really earned this. Cue gasping sobs. 

* I do not understand how it's light out when they leave. Does this fit with Senior Hour? But ok. Let's go with it. The car was a great piece to give Liam and Frank, they look fantastic in their tuxes and I love how Mickey kinda swings into the car the same way he could swing around under the bleachers. There's so much joy in him. 

* The only thing I'm going to say about Lip is the Tami deserves some kind of medal. 

* I wrote a whole post about the tattoo, and we first see it when he's out of the shower, but I'm really not kidding about this. The tattoo was something I spent WAY too much time speculating about in my head and I thought it was weird that an actor they once shot wearing only a guitar was constantly so covered up. Plus, probably should have shown  with the prison tanks, given the original placement. I support the retconning of this because it keeps the gesture without it being a major distraction. 

But that is NOT where that tattoo was!

Now it's over his heart. Awww. 

ANYWAY. I loved this. I'm so glad I got on this ship. It's so rare you get something like this in a fandom. So. Don't screw it up, Shameless! Only have to maintain for 12 more episodes. That's all I ask. 

I hope it's not too much. 

[life-observed]

The Core of Belonging

Tami Simon:  Welcome to Insights at the Edge, produced by Sounds True. My name’s Tami Simon. I’m the founder of Sounds True. And I’d love to take a moment to introduce you to the new Sounds True Foundation. The Sounds True Foundation is dedicated to creating a wiser and kinder world by making transformational education widely available. We want everyone to have access to transformational tools such as mindfulness, emotional awareness, and self-compassion, regardless of financial, social, or physical challenges. The Sounds True Foundation is a nonprofit dedicated to providing these transformational tools to communities in need, including at-risk youth, prisoners, veterans, and those in developing countries. If you’d like to learn more or feel inspired to become a supporter, please visit soundstruefoundation.org.

You’re listening to Insights at the Edge. Today I’m so pleased that our guest is Reverend angel Kyodo williams. Rev. angel is a Zen priest, author and founder of the organization Transformative Change. Her work centers on the essential link between inner work, wholeness, and social transformation at scale.

With Sounds True, Rev. angel has created a new audio program, it’s called Belonging: From Fear to Freedom on the Path to True Community. In this conversation, Rev. angel and I talk about how belonging is often something we give other people the power to define for us, and instead what it means to take back belonging. In Rev. angel’s words, belonging belongs to you. Take a listen.

Rev. angel, you begin your new audio series with Sounds True on belonging by saying, “I’ve spent my whole life navigating belonging.” And as a way to both introduce you better to the podcast audience, and also to give people a sense of what you mean by belonging, share with us what you mean, “I’ve spent my whole life navigating belonging.”

Rev. angel Kyodo williams: Yes. Thank you for asking that. I feel we’re in this broader conversation, I think, nationally and globally, in which we’re trying to understand race more. And so, I’ll preface it by saying that it has to do with that. For those of you that can’t see me and have never seen me, I’m kind of like in the middle of the range of brown. And so, on my mother’s side of the family, they’re considered a black family. They’re mixed heritage. They have white family in the racial background but they’re all fair skin. They’re pretty fair skin.

On my father’s side, they’re darker skin and so I’m kind of right in the middle. And that set up a dynamic in colorism that I’m kind of in-between. My parents didn’t stay together and so I sometimes belonged to my mother’s side of the family, I sometimes belonged to my father’s side of the family, and in that in some ways didn’t belong at all. I grew up early in my life in Rego Park, LeFrak City in Queens. For those of you that are familiar, I think of it as kind of a United Nations, lots of different people, lots of different backgrounds.

And in that space, I felt a lot of belonging, but I, early on, somewhere around fourth grade, I was moved to Brooklyn in which there was quite a large divide between West Indian blacks and American blacks. And so again, it kind of pulled back and forth. I didn’t belong to either group in a strong way. I was far more comfortable in mixed spaces.

And so through these ways… And then I went to junior high school in a, like, 90% ethnic Chinese school which I felt a sense of comradery and connection with people, but belonging was odd. And so, for many reasons throughout my life I have found myself straddling these locations of a kind of in-between. I’m nebulous, I’m nebulous-looking, I’m nebulous in terms of my appropriate belonging to a particular demographic that happens in race, in class.

I grew up in Tribeca in New York and had a lot of access culturally and understanding and really a far-reaching sort of Bohemian cultural values, progressive lefty stuff that didn’t accord with the neighborhoods that I simultaneously lived in, like in deep Flatbush, Brooklyn. And so, I have lived this strange kind of stratified, not-quite-belonging existence for a really long time.

TS: And I’d like to know more about a statement you make, also right towards the beginning of this audio teaching series, and your journey to come to this place, which is you say, “Belonging belongs to you.” And when you said that I had a moment, I thought, “Gosh, I think most of us think that belonging is defined by the external things. I don’t fit in, I have a different sexual orientation, I’m of a different mixed race, belonging’s about how I relate to all of these external groups. Am I part of the in-group? Am I not?” And yet you’re saying belonging belongs to you. How did you get to that place to make a statement like that?

RaKw: I think that if… Every single one of us has someplace in which we feel that tension of external belonging and trying to navigate it. It’s the hallmark of our existence as human beings that our sense of belonging defines us as human beings, and being able to locate that. Now if you add to our maturing adult selves coming into adulthood, the fact that we are going to be pulled in some ways by marking our territory, if you will, as to where it is that we find ourselves belonging that through my spiritual path and I would say even before my… Actually, I would say that this determined my spiritual path.

I realized that I had to have a fundamental belonging that was not predicated on something external, because if that were the case, I would always be in tension with what is going on outside that I actually can’t control. So that if I’m going to have any sense of self-agency, of being able to be in alignment with myself and understand my own truth– not pulled by the external forces, by the waves of outside, by what people say, by the fashion, by the time, by the era, by gender, by the prescriptions of society, the prescriptions of my family, the prescriptions of my church, my culture, faith, all of those things–I had to get to someplace that was going to be essentially my own. And so I have this concept of one’s own belonging, of belonging to oneself first and foremost, and cultivating that as the reference point for discernment about all of the other ways in which we belong.

TS: Yes. So that’s what I want to know more about this fundamental sense of belonging. How do we know when, “Oh, I think I know what that means. I know what it means because…” If you could finish that out, like what it means to have a fundamental sense of belonging.

RaKw: All right. This is the path of deeper practice, is we are all shaped. We are shaped by all sorts of conditions and causes and circumstances and time and era and place and location and so on. And so, I theorize that something has to transcend that, something has to transcend all of the various ways in which we’re shaped, otherwise, how do we transcend everything that we’ve inherited since we’ve essentially inherited everything, right?

We’ve inherited and been shaped by everything outside, but something has to be pervasive. And that’s where I start with like, so how do I find that which is pervasive? For me, the way that I know it is, first and foremost, by developing the habit of being able to return to myself, to be able to return to myself. And from that place of having been able to return myself to feel this sense of OKness, like, “I’m OK, this is OK, this being, this person, this moment,” there’s OKness that goes beyond all of the waves that are happening in my life externally.

So maybe right outside the surface of my skin, there is sadness, but even my sadness is OK. Like there are circumstances that are upsetting or that I wish that wasn’t the case. But in a single moment of returning to myself, there is, some people might call it being at peace, some people may call it being aligned, some people may call it all sorts of things, I call it basic OKness, right?

Basic OKness with me as I am in this moment as it is. And that is a practice. We have to develop that practice in order to be able to attune to what it feels like in us, but I know that every single one of us listening to this does have a reference point for what that is. And the reason I know we have a reference point is because we know when we’re not OK, right? So that we know we’re not OK is predicated on the fact that we have a sense of there is a place of being OK.

TS: First of all, I love that phrase, “basic OKness.” It feels extremely accessible. When people talk about being at peace and things like that, I don’t know about that, but basic OKness, that really works. Now, I know you emphasize the relationship between embodiment, and I want to understand more what you mean by that, and having this sense of belonging or basic OKness. Why put such a great emphasis on embodiment, and what do you mean by that?

RaKw: We have a lot of theories and ideologies, as I like to say, that are inherited meaning… I have a dear friend, Greg Snyder, and he says, “We don’t have personal thoughts, we have private thoughts.” And by that, he means that all of our thoughts come from someplace else. They come from the ideas of the time and the era and the space that we’re in.

And so we tend to attach ourselves to the thoughts that we have, to the thoughts that we have received as if they’re real. And so we need some kind of an arbiter of truth. And for me, that’s the body. The body is the place that we have to inhabit for good, bad, or indifferent. And so the body is actually where we can discover what is the truest of the true of the true to us. I don’t mean whether the sun is yellow or whether the sky is blue or anything like that, I mean, what feels true to us, our own truth. And that is discovered and inhabited in the body, because the body is where we live.

And so, to be embodied is to be in tune with our body’s own, our… And when I say body, I mean a mind, body, the connection of a mind, heart and bodies, some use the term soma, right? Our soma. Our entire bodily systems reality. What is true for me in this particular circumstance, this convergence of time and space and age and race and class and so on. No one has what is true for me, I’m the only one that can be the arbiter of that. But if I’m in the arbiter of it only with my mind, then I’m using other people’s ideas. My body becomes the place that I can find resonance with what is true for me.

I can’t explain it more than that because everybody has their own, right? Like everybody has their own. And it’s that place where you go, “Oh, this is true.” Like falling in love and you’re just like, “Oh, that’s true.” There’s no argument. There’s no fighting. It lands in you as this is what… We move from, “I think it’s true,” we move from looking upward and into our head and dropping down somewhere. Generally, it’s often around in our belly. We talk about gut instinct. We know it to be true for ourselves. So to be embodied is to be able to get in tune with that and hopefully to return to that truth over and over again.

TS: OK. Let me ask you a couple of questions about this that may seem obvious, but I don’t think they’re necessarily obvious to the listener, which is, how do you know when you’re disembodied in some way? How do you know what are the signs that you know in your own experience?

RaKw: That I’m not able to feel comfortable in my own skin. That being in my skin there’s a constant state of being pulled by my mental activity and so that I don’t feel settled in my body and in my skin.

TS: And when you discovered that experience, I presume it still happens. At times you find yourself this happened, that happened, maybe a bunch of things happened really quickly all at once, and you’re like, “Holy God,” what do you do to re-embody?

RaKw: Well, I call it dropping in or returning to myself. And in order to do that and get it out of the woo-woo space where it sounds like, “What does that mean?” I’ve chosen to bring my attention to a particular location, which is in my belly. And to have that… A lot of people refer to as their core in my lower belly and I bring my attention back to my lower belly and kind of sit there, right? It’s almost like you just sit down right there in your low belly and take a moment of resting there with my breath.

And so that’s the whole activity. Like I return to myself, I drop in, I pull my attention away from the external and draw my attention inside into my low belly and with my breath, and I rest there for a moment. And if I can manage it, I rest there again. If I can manage it, I rest there again. And so that dropping in for me is a returning. People get weirded out by the term “self” and they go, “Wait a minute. Is there a self?” I’m not getting into that. I’m just talking about in this physiological being that there is a point of returning to myself that I find clarifies the external goings on including the external goings on of my mind.

TS: Rev. angel, you’re a gorgeous meditation teacher and I wonder if, as part of this, you could actually guide us, guide our listeners right now in that practice that you just described related to resting in our belly. And part of it is, you never know, people come to a conversation like this, what level of embodiment are they experiencing as they listen? And I want to go even deeper with you into this topic of belonging, but I think it would be great for all of us to be more embodied as we do so.

RaKw: Yes. Thank you. And I want to share, Tami, that the reason that I developed this particular practice, and I call it a point meditation, is precisely because I realized that so many of us are asked to do practices and invited to do things and our ability to discern what is right for us and what is true for us just doesn’t exist because we’re not even comfortable being with ourselves or we don’t have the capacity to return to ourselves, to even have discernment about what we’re being asked to do and how we feel about it and how it’s landing with us.

So it’s all theory until we can actually have a point of reference for, “How is this for me?” And this returning to a point of reference away from the distractions of everything else is my prescription, if you will, to undergird any other kinds of practices we have, right? To be able to return to ourselves and be the arbiters of our own truth, to have our own belonging is the way that I feel that every single person would then have a way to discover what works for them.

So the practice is meant to be really simple, and I’m going to say what it is, and then I’m going to walk us through it. It’s really as simple as this, we’re choosing a point where our attention awareness is at and everything else is other than point. And that’s the practice. So we choose a point. That’s where our attention awareness rests and everything else is other than point, so that when we find ourselves at other than point, we simply come back to point. We don’t argue with it, we don’t judge it, we don’t concern ourselves whether we were getting it right or not, we just come back to point.

So here’s how it works. So I invite you to find yourself a comfortable space of being upright and present. Even if you’re walking, this is about really choosing to be present for this duration of time and bring your attention to your breath, wherever it is that you notice it in your breath, in your body. And of all the places that your attention could be now that you’ve located your breath, allow your attention to flow with your breath down into your low belly, just beneath the navel and just behind the navel.

So just right at that kind of midsection of our body, we call it the core. And take a moment and let your attention just rest there on your breath as it is in the low belly, because we get a little caught up and we think, “Oh, if I’m focusing here, it gets really tight.” We’re just going to add a sense of awareness so there’s some spaciousness around that area. So it doesn’t have to be super precise. It’s just right there, basically your attention awareness on your breath resting in the low belly. Once you feel like you’ve kind of dropped in there a little bit, we’d just call that the point and everything else is other than point. And thoughts are other than point. Worrying about the past or the future is other than point.

And when you find yourself at other than point, because you will, just pick up your attention awareness and return it gently and firmly to point, which is your breath as it rests in the low belly. So if you find yourself fantasizing, you can return to point. If you find yourself doing a   to-do list, return to point. Over and over again, however it is that you find yourself at other than point, you simply gently and firmly bring your attention back to point.

And that’s it. It’s as simple as that. And then you can bring any formal practice of a point meditation to close by some kind of gesture that just allows you to release any tightness around it or any sort of overly tight focus and maybe sometimes people just touch the palms on their legs or touch their heart or they bring their palms together, whatever it is that works for you.

The main thing is that really anything can be point but we start with this particular location because physiologically it does quiet our nervous system, and it kicks in our parasympathetic systems so that we begin to feel a sense of relaxation and ease. That was not just my speaking, that is actually the way your body responds to returning to that particular location in your body.

TS: Rev. angel, I can say from my own meditation experience what you’re describing in terms of bringing our attention and awareness down into the lower belly has this huge calming effect. I’ve never understood why, though. So as you’re saying, it’s relates to how our physiology and nervous system operates. Can you explain that to me?

RaKw: Yes. So we have a sympathetic nervous system, which is reactive. We want to see what’s going on and it makes us overly alert. And we have our parasympathetic nervous system. They call it the relax– and actually it’s also for our digestive system– so relax and repair, right? So relax and repair, or get ready to fight like you’re ready to flee. So fight or flight, repair and relax. And so, parasympathetic nervous system is induced, first of all, by attention on our breath and also in our core, in our gut, which is where our digestive system is.

When we bring our attention to our gut, we’re basically telling the whole system we’re OK. And so the distinction in the point practice… And I want to say this because a lot of people may be thinking, “Well, I do that and then I name…” There’s no naming involved, right? There’s no noting, there’s no anything else. It is literally just there’s a point and there’s other than point and everything else is other than point is what you come back to point for.

And the precision of it and the simplicity of it, which is what is so gorgeous. And for me, it tells me that we have available to us all of what we need to be able to generate a feeling and a quality of belonging to ourselves. And it’s right there. And it’s so simple and it’s so precise. And in an era in which many people have been, I want to say, distracted by external forces or overly placed their attention on teachers that have maybe gone astray and made people question their own practice, I felt like we all need a practice that is entirely our own.

TS: Beautiful. Now I want to ask a question that I could imagine is part of the space right now listening to this. So belonging belongs to me here, the belly, feeling embodied, feeling at home. But look, when I get up off of my chair or stop walking in nature being in my belly, I’m facing a world where there’s so much injustice, where I’m clearly being considered part of the out group and discriminated against, and there are structural systems in place that say you don’t belong. We can’t just describe this conversation as a type of self-belonging and embodiment practice. So how do you put that all together, Rev. angel?

RaKw: Well, I’ll say if you don’t know me, I’m black, I’m female, I’m queer, I have a disability, I’ve got all the little markers for being out group, marginalized, oppressed, and all of the things. And I developed this practice precisely for that reason, because I needed to be able to have a way in which my belonging is inherent, that it is not about what other people think of me, what other people are telling me about who I am, about what I can accomplish, what I’m allowed to have, that intrinsic sense of the human desire to have a sense of belonging to not just people, but belonging to existence.

This practice, for me, was my way of developing the capacity to situate myself in that. And to situate myself in that not only when I’m doing the formal practice, but also when I get up off the cushion and I go out in the world and things feel shaky and someone is threatening my sense of belonging to a group or to a situation, an institution, a sitting group, whatever it is that I have that, that that is with me and it is with me all the time. It doesn’t leave me because it is me.

And one could say it is a deeper version of wherever you go, there you are. There I am belonging to myself. It’s inherent and it can’t be taken away. And I will say and we have been taught that somehow our belonging is predicated on what someone else says. And I think that that is faulty and we need to return to ourselves and be able to have that and that is most essential for people that feel themselves marginalized in all sorts of ways.

TS: One of the sessions in the series is focused on forgiveness. And I want to bring that up because I think one of the things that can happen is people can think of, “OK. This is kind of up to me, but I’m still really mad. In fact, outraged and grief-stricken, all of that because all of the ways early on in my life, I wasn’t given a setup where I belonged,” early attachment wounding, other kinds of wounding. And I want to understand more the emphasis you place on forgiveness and speaking directly to that person who says, “Yes, there’s a lot for me and no, I haven’t forgiven.”

RaKw: Well, I want to give a little bit of background about this practice in particular because it was my practice and it was what I did, and I shared it with some people. And actually, we got a group of people going still to this day at the beginning of the pandemic. And this body of people from all sorts of backgrounds, all ages, some people had a practice of meditation before, some people had none, all queer from their 20s to their 70s, all sorts of people, people that have been wounded in many different ways.

And so, I will share that consistently that this practice has allowed people to get underneath the response to the wounds and the ways in which their families, their communities, their moms and dads did not create a space, the societies and institutions did not create a space of belonging for them. And it has helped them get in and come back to what they’re feeling that is underneath that, which is the sense of rejection, fear, all of these kinds of wounds that come about as a result of that.

And by reconciling with one’s own feeling, one’s own experience, by coming into contact with one’s own feeling and own experience, a lot of the ways that we then turn our attention to what the other people have done, it dissipates. It goes away because what we’re really wanting to do is to have some healing around the hurt that that has caused us. And the fact is that if we have to wait for everyone that has done something to us to come and we have to reconcile with them and fix it and have them say they’re sorry, we have a long journey of suffering ahead of us.

And I’m about liberation. I’m about us being able to be free in and of ourselves enough to be able to move through our lives in a way that allows us to be as thriving and powerful and dignified and OK as we can possibly be.

So the forgiveness is actually our way of ritualizing permission to move on, to not have our ability to reconcile pain and difficulty be incumbent on working it out with the other person. So it isn’t about forgiveness– I go and get them and tell them that now I have forgiven you– but it is a self-practice of releasing ourselves from the dynamic in which we’re wanting something from the other person that we can’t necessarily ever get. If we do get it and that comes about, that’s great.

But for me, liberatory practices are about what we can do for ourselves, how we can get ourselves free of the ways in which we are caught or stuck in the dynamics of the past or fixations on the future and allow ourselves to simply be present.

TS: OK. Rev. angel, I’m going to ask you a question. I’ve asked this question before, and I do feel I’m making progress. It’s slow, but I still get to ask it again, which is when it comes to forgiveness, I used to ask the question and I say, “Well, what if you were to get like 80%, but it’s just that last 20% you can’t let go of, you can’t move on, you can’t find the real actual freedom that’s possible.” And now I’ll say, what if you’re at like 97% but there’s some part of you that’s still just holding on. You can’t quite fully say, “I’m moving on now. I’m only holding myself back by continuing to roll through the narrative.” What do you do with that, I’ll just say, 3%, I might be exaggerating, 5% that’s left?

RaKw: I mean, I think one of the things I love about the point practice is that it is really about being present with what is. And so it’s not a bypass, it’s not a suppression. And so it’s like, “OK, you know what? That’s where I’m at.” And so we can hold that with a sense of kindness and consideration for ourselves. It’s amazing. You all are 97%, good. Right?

And then, say, acknowledge for ourselves that this 3%, I’m still working with that. I’m good with it. I’m OK. Right? I’m OK and I’m going to move forward with that, because that includes us and it doesn’t situate us in some kind of aspiration to going beyond exactly where we are. We can say, “Yes, I would like to do this and right now I’m good, and I’m also acknowledging that that 3% I’m still working with it. I’m not quite ready.”

We have people say that all the time. They’re like, “Yes, I’m still working with this and I’m good.” And there’s an amazing power in being OK with even the places in which we wish that we could do something different, or maybe somebody is encouraging us, we can be okay with that too. This is not a sport where we’re trying to get some kind of brass ring and accomplish and sort of overcome ourselves, this is about being present with the truth of where we are, being able to face that, seeing if there’s something that we can work with and whatever feels like, no, this is just where it is right now, we can be OK with that too.

TS: OK. And in the midst of doing this belly point practice, if what comes up is some type of intense emotional experience of some kind, we’re going back to just being with the point. That emotion isn’t really to be part of the object of our meditation, is it? Or how do we work with the intense emotions that might come up?

RaKw: Yes. So intense emotions are bound to come up and so what we’re doing is actually being embodied. And so we’re coming, actually, back to the sensation that surrounds the emotion. Emotion arises as a reaction to the sensation. So what we’re doing is we’re coming back to the sensation, not to have a dialogue or discussion about it or how do I feel about it, but rather the sensation itself.

If it feels too intense, just back off a little bit, right? Just have a little bit of space around it, where it’s like, OK, I can kind of get next to it, I can sit right down next to that sensation. But I always say to people, “If your path to liberation is creating contraction,” and I think contraction and suffering are synonymous, “then you’re not generating liberation, right?” And so back off and allow yourself the space to say like, “This is as close as I can get right now,” and that’s what we’re returning to.

We’re not trying to overcome. Maybe therapy is for that, maybe there are other practices, in this point practice, all we’re doing is presencing ourselves with what is, coming back to point. And anything else that is not presencing ourselves with what is, we’re simply letting that be. If we are finding that we are creating contraction in returning, then just ease off, right? Move a little bit further away from what that point of intense emotion feels like, just set a little bit to the left or a little bit to the right.

And that’s why I call it attention awareness, which is awareness has spaciousness and allows us to move. Attention is precise, but awareness has some spaciousness and it’s like, “Oh yes, I can get kind of close to it and I can look at it from here and feel comfortable and at ease here.” That doesn’t mean that we’re not able to sit with discomfort. We can sit with discomfort, but if the discomfort is creating new suffering, then that’s not a path to deliberation.

TS: Now this is a very powerful statement that for you suffering and contraction are synonymous, how did you come to that and what do you mean by that?

RaKw: About a year, two years ago… Time is all funny now. About two years ago, I was at Upaya Zen Center and they gave me the opportunity to do some classic Buddhist teaching. And so in the Buddhist teaching, there’s this fundamental idea that life is characterized by what is called a dukkha. And dukkha is often translated as suffering. A lot of people are like, “Wow, these Buddhists are weird. They’re always talking about life as suffering.”

And so it’s really characterized, right? Life is characterized by suffering, but I realized people get confused by that idea. And so it sounds like a bummer. And so in order to bring it to an embodied understanding, I was like, “Well, what is that? How do we know suffering? How do we know big suffering, little suffering, in-between suffering?” And I realized in an embodied way, the way we can recognize it empirically in our body is contraction. That when we contract, when we move away from life, when our body is pulling in away from life, that that is suffering, that that’s suffering. So that contraction is suffering.

When we are thriving, we move towards life. We allow ourselves or we are present in it. And our bodies, our nervous system can be relaxed and at ease. Once our nervous system begins to contract, we can describe that as suffering. And so it is my embodied way of speaking about what can begin to become a theoretical space of suffering.

TS: It also seems like there are some really good moment to moment practice instructions or life instructions in what you’re describing.

RaKw: Yes, definitely. So even in a moment, if I notice that the top of my belly slightly to the left gets that little feeling of pulling in, it’s like, “Oh yes, there’s some contraction there.” And if I check in with that feeling, it’s a sensation of contraction. It’s like, “Oh, I don’t like the way that person said this thing to me.” And every emotion that we have is traceable to a sensation in our bodies, by the way, in case that’s not apparent.

So every emotion we have, actually, it is an emanation of a sensation. And so everything that shows up for us, if we can trace the sensation in our body, then we can find some relationship with it. The other way I think of suffering is to be out of relationship, right? When we’re out of relationship with ourselves then suffering arises, contraction arises and we use a phrase, “I found myself.”

Well, when we find ourselves, it means we’re away from ourselves and so this idea of coming back to ourselves so that we… Not that we don’t leave ourselves, but when we do leave, as soon as we recognize it, we come back. So that’s an embodied way. And as you described in our pointing to, it’s a way that we can have a moment-to-moment practice of being aware of our experience, of suffering not as this big thought space, but rather here it is right here in our body. I’m contracting, I feel my buttocks tightening. I feel my legs tighten. I feel my toes curling up, right? I feel my shoulders drawing up. I feel the back of my head getting tight. I feel this in my body. We’re embodied beings. And so our suffering happens in the body and our liberation happens in the body.

TS: Now, one of the things, Rev. angel, I wanted to understand more has to do with the subtitle of the series, From Fear to Freedom on the Path to True Community. And it’s this notion of what is true community that I’d like to understand. I hear from so many people, “I’m looking for community, I don’t have community. There’s an epidemic of loneliness. There’s no such thing as community. It’s a myth. Online community, come on, that’s not community.” What do you mean by true community?

RaKw: For me, true community is you have a feeling in the presence of others which begins with yourself and it has to begin with yourself in order for you to know what is true for you, right? So you have to know what it is in yourself to feel at ease in your body and to not feel as if you have to cut a part of yourself off or leave a part of yourself behind in order to feel that sense of belonging. So true community is when you can be present with others and you do not have the sense of having had to check part of yourself at the door in order to gain access to membership to that community. I would say that that is a club, it’s not community.

And we all know some ways in which we just take it as a given that if I want to be a part of this group, community, family, I have to leave this part of myself, I have to leave the queer part of myself behind. I have to leave the racialized part of myself behind, the part of myself that speaks colloquially in this way, the way that I speak with other black folks. I can’t say folks, I have to say people, right? Like my voice has to get a little bit tighter. I have to hold myself in a certain way.

And so that leaving part of ourselves behind– before we know it, we don’t know who we are anymore. And so true community are spaces in which we feel that we are accepted in the wholeness of who we are. And that doesn’t mean that every part of who we are is expressed in every given moment, that’s not possible. But that the body, the collective of people that we are in relationship with, there is no request to leave a part of ourselves behind in order to be accepted in this group of people.

TS: And this is a difficult question to ask, but I’m going to ask it on behalf of someone who might be having this experience. What if someone says, “I don’t have true community anywhere in my life. I don’t have it with my family. I can’t bring my full self there. I don’t have it at work and I don’t have a kind of intimate partner that I feel I can bring all of me to. I don’t have a true community, Rev. angel.”

RaKw: Yes. And that’s why you have to begin with developing that sense of your own belonging because when you are… The closer you are– and it’s ongoing–the closer you are in relationship to yourself, the more that you will generate connection with people that allow for you to be who you are. We get into dynamic with your family and there is underlying agreement, a tacit agreement that this is how we be together. And you leave that part and as long as you leave that part and leave that part behind, then we can get along here. As you become more aligned with yourself, it no longer becomes tolerable for you to leave parts of yourself behind. And as a result of that, you will generate relationships and you’ll seek out and you will find relationships with people that will be comfortable with allowing you to be who you are.

That is tolerable for you is the first thing that needs to shift. And it will shift as you become more comfortable within your own being. And there are plenty of people that are out there. We all find our ways to those kinds of communities, but first we have to have the commitment and impulse to go and search for it and that commitment comes because we’re committed to ourselves. We’re committed to becoming whole, we’re committed to the healing of those parts of us that have been left behind.

TS: Well, one of the things you teach on, you brought up this phrase in the series that we can come upon these crossroads of belonging in our life and that these are these crossroads where we have to make some tough decisions, as you’re describing here, telling ourselves the truth. And I thought, for myself, the biggest crossroads I ever came upon had to do with academia. That I had to admit I don’t fit in the academic world. I think differently. I feel differently. I write differently.

I’m not an academic, but at 20, that was a big, terrible crossroads for me because everything in my upbringing had prepared me to be a successful professor and that’s not was happening, actually, if I told myself the truth. And I was wondering, for you, Rev. angel, what would you say have been the big crossroads of belonging? When I ask this question, do you think of one or two crossroads that you had to go through, and what was that like? How’d you make it through?

RaKw: Yes. I’ll say one very early one is as a person that was mixed in sort of my locations and how people related to me, the question that you asked right at the beginning about this choosing places of belonging and having to find your own belonging. The crossroad that I had to make for myself is that part of what it meant to be a part of black communities, at least the ones that I was a part of at the time, was that I had to, kind of like, make fun. It was like there was a thing about making fun of other people, right? And I grew up with a lot of Asian people. And at the time there were lots of jokes about Asian people. We’re always making jokes and it was sort of part of the culture at the time.

And Chris Rock would make jokes about Chinese people and so on. And I really wanted to be a part of the black crew and be down with the folks. And I just realized that I couldn’t do this. That that wasn’t going to be how I was going to create my sense of belonging was on the backs of other people. And as a person marginalized and as a person oppressed, that was a critical decision for me to say that I’m not going to let the overarching society and the demand to try to claw your way into belonging mean that I was going to stand on the backs of other people.

The other one is– and I’m going to actually change my mind midstream about the other one– the other one that was really critical for me and it’s actually connected to my sense of forgiveness and how I built my understanding of forgiveness is I was abused when I was a child. And I had, it was a woman that was my father’s girlfriend at the time and she was quite abusive. And then later I went to live with my grandfather and he lived near where she lived and I was moving through my life in this way in which it was like you just didn’t deal with stuff like that, you just kind of like put it aside and you just kept moving. And that’s what I was always told is you just keep moving.

But I had to decide that I was going to confront this person and go back to them so that I could feel at ease in my own body, even though that meant disrupting in my family this secret that was like something that nobody wanted to talk about anymore. So through that, I confronted both forgiveness, which is I forgave that person so that I could move on, and I also allowed myself to disrupt the secrets in my family that many people in the family wanted to keep quiet.

TS: I want to talk a little bit more about going through these crossroads of belonging because I want to hear from your perspective, but just to share, one of the things I found is that a tremendous amount of human capacity is developed when we go through a crossroads and we are true to ourselves. We talk about a way to grow yourself, there is nothing like it. I mean, it’s kind of walking through a fire and I’m wondering how you see that, what happens when you actually choose, in your language, true community, instead, like, “No, I’m not going to be part of this thing, it’s not true for me.”

RaKw: The way that I feel that it happens in my body is that I find greater resonance with myself, right? So I find more ease in my body, I find less contraction. That’s what I mean by more ease. I find that the arguments that I have about like, do I do this or do I do that? Do I let this happen or do I let that happen? In other words, do I let other people and external things determine my path, right? And what happens for me is that every time I go through crossroads, I become more and more clear that I am the only person that can live the life that I have, and that any time that I am not living in a way that is true to myself, even if it upsets people that I love and that I care about, that the fact is that I’m not giving them the whole of who I am to begin with.

And so that the only way that I can have true relationships with people is to be true to myself. And the only way to be clear about what it means to become true to myself is to move through those crossroads and to make the difficult choices of perhaps losing people, losing face, losing position, losing access, losing things that are external in favor of that resonance with a belonging to myself. That I have to be able to tolerate living in my body and in my existence.

And that that is paramount and more important to me than anything else not because I’m selfish and because I just don’t care about anyone else, because that’s the only way that I can actually be true in my relationships in my life. It’s the only way that I can have true community is to be true to myself.

TS: All right. I just have two more questions for you, Rev. angel. The first one is to understand a little bit more about true community for you within your Zen lineage. You’re the second black woman to be named a Sensei, which is a term for a Zen teacher in the Japanese Buddhist tradition. And I thought to myself, “How is it that you’ve been able somehow to work within your lineage in a form of true community?” And I’m saying that because I think a lot of people find a lot of difficulty with various aspects of these Eastern traditions and the culture that came with the traditions, and how are you working this out?

RaKw: I mean, I didn’t, is the truth. My exploration of belonging, the thing that I was almost going to say about the crossroads was actually coming to the crossroads of having to decide that being true to myself was more important than my titles and all of the things that seemed to be required of me in the conventional Zen lineage.

And so I was a breakaway, I broke away and decided that staying true to myself was more important. And so I broke away from the priestly path as I was supposed to do it, I broke away and started my own community. I broke away when my teacher at the time of resisted that, and felt that I should not be supported. As a result of that, I just kept going my own way. And eventually, I think either they’ve realized that they weren’t going to be able to contain me, I ended up being, I want to say, being received by particular people in the community and they just had to live with it.

But I had to break a lot. I broke away a lot and it was not easy. And it went against everything about how we were trained, about how it was supposed to be, but I already had from the incidents that I shared with you earlier, I already had the sense that like, “Well, the only way that I can be true, I don’t need to be a Zen teacher or a Zen anything if I’m not going to be true to myself.” And so I really put all of the work and practice and the movement that I had attained in that lineage on the line in order to be true to myself.

After you become a Sensei in the Zen lineage, there’s a tacit agreement and I think also an explicit agreement, that then people have to leave you be, to do what you will do. And so I’m pretty unbothered by what other people have to say as a result of that. I want to say to people, “I’ve made a habit of being true to myself, right? I’ve developed a habit, a consistent habit that feels more natural to me than anything, than not being true to myself. And you can do that. Every single one of us can do that and I think we’re all entitled to do that.”

And so I’ve caused disruption, I’ve pushed back. I have caused fissures in that process, many times painful, painful breaks in relationships with people, but I feel clear and I feel true to myself and I wouldn’t have done it any other way. I wish there weren’t so many moments of pain for people, but I wouldn’t have done it any other way.

TS: Breakaway Sensei.

RaKw: Exactly. And people have asked that quite a few times. They’re like, “Wow, how have you done that?” I’ve had to give up a lot. And at this age and at this moment, it can seem like from the outside like, “Oh, you’ve got this and that, and you wrote your own book and done all of these things,” but I have given up access and entitlements over and over again. Income, so on and so forth, you name it, I have given it up in favor of being true to myself.

TS: Well, I just want to take a moment and recognize you from my heart and really a deep bow, deep, deep bow, because I know something in some small amount at least of the courage that it takes to be a breakaway. So, how totally awesome Rev. angel is.

RaKw: Right. Thank you.

TS: All right. The last question I want to ask you is in this series on belonging, you share that you’ve held, really for yourself, this question about developing a deeper understanding of the process of change, how people change, how people commit more to themselves in the context of this conversation in a path of liberation, what are some of the key points you found about understanding the process of change that can help people in that process, wherever they might be as a listener?

RaKw: I found the main reason that people don’t change is because they don’t want to. [laughs]

TS: That’s pretty good. That’s pretty gosh darn good.

RaKw: No matter what they are saying. And what I mean by that is that we have ideas about changing, but if you look deeper and you’re not changing, or you’re not moving along whatever path it is in the way that you want to, it’s because there’s something that you value more and that you are more committed to, that you may not be acknowledging or you may not just be in touch with.

And so that’s one– that the only reason people don’t change is because you’re not committed enough or you have a higher order of priority or commitment, whether explicit or implicit. And so if you go searching for it and figure out what it is… I love to give the example of I think about running in the morning, but I have a higher priority of sleep. I have an autoimmune illness and sleep is the thing that allows for the most healing. So I prioritize that.

Mostly it’s hidden. So what it ends up is I get to five o’clock and I go, “Wow, I didn’t run again.” It’s because I chose something over it. The other thing that I find and it is, again, why I developed the point meditation is because actually most of the practices of rigor that are required for any kind of change practice are predicated to us being able to be aware that we’re off track. And if you don’t have a practice of coming back to yourself, then you will not have a practice of being able to understand that you’re off. So you have to actually be able to return in order to understand that you’re away.

In other words, you have to be able to have point in order to understand other than point, because the whole juice of any meditation practice is not in being on point and it’s obviously not in being other than point, it’s actually being aware and then taking an action and coming back. And so in order to have any change practice and process unfold, you have to be able to be aware that you are somewhere other than where you intend to be. And if you don’t have a practice that enables you to take action at that very moment that you realize that you are other than point, then your practice of change is going to fall apart. And then that deeper commitment, right? That being able to sort and discern, what is it that matters? So I talked about that place in our belly, in our core, and returning to that.

The other reason that it’s the core, that low belly that we return to, is because the core in the yoga tradition, that it’s the third Chakra or the dantien or the hara. In all sorts of systems, it’s our seat of power. It’s where action comes from. And so if we return to our seat of action and we couple that with an awareness of what it is that matters to us, we can couple what matters to us and be clear about what it is that matters to us most so that we can take action on it. And if you’re not clear about what it is that matters to you most, you will not be able to take action.

TS: I have to say, Rev. angel, this conversation has been really healing and empowering for me and I’m sure for our listeners. I just want to thank you so much.

RaKw: Thank you so much. It’s really a pleasure to talk to you. And I wish we could do it more.

TS: Yes. You and I, we’re going to do that. I’ve been speaking with Rev. angel Kyodo williams. With Sounds True, she’s created a new audio learning series, it’s called Belonging: From Fear to Freedom on the Path to True Community. Check it out.

Thank you for listening to Insights at the Edge. You can read a full transcript of today’s interview at soundstrue.com/podcast. And if you’re interested, hit the Subscribe button in your Podcast app. And also, if you feel inspired, head to iTunes and leave Insights at the Edge a review. I love getting your feedback, being in connection with you, and learning how we can continue to evolve and improve our program. Working together, I believe we can create a kinder and wiser world. SoundsTrue.com, waking up the world.