#sad days over here but we livin thru it ig????

[justasadboi]

⚠️ age regression mentioned⚠️

(Sorry didn’t wanna post it on the blog for that cause it’s more depressing than anything)

Today was a bad day. Got into a huge fight with my boyfriend that basically ended in fighting and me being depressed up until work when I had to get up and not be sad. While fighting my brand new pacifier broke and then I discovered that my stuffed animal had a rip in him and idek how (funnily enough it was both the same character so maybe that’s just a sign). Everything got fixed and is fine now but I realized that my mental health be bad like my first thought was I need to kill myself so that no one needs to deal with my abusivness and then the immediate breakdown and self harm that comes next. I be borderline psychosis I can feel the same feeling I got last time but I think last time was more of a drug induced-thing but it was bad and I lost a month of my life and I don’t wanna do that again but I also don’t wanna help myself because I feel like I should just wait till I have enough courage to just kill my self and not fuck it up this time. I feel the really chronic feeling of emptiness that comes with the bpd but also the depressive episode from the bipolar and many other thing. The Ed is back and better than evea. Kinda hoping that kills me but I be vaping everyday just to really cover my bases. I need a person to talk to about everything but I don’t have that person right now and honest to god don’t know if I ever have or ever will. I had a moment with god today where I said some things I shouldn’t have and literally hours later I got a text from my ex who I have blocked on literally everything but he found a way, and I know that that was god saying hey stop saying that shit or I’ll throw some real bullshit ur way. I’ve made amends no worries there but fuck man. Idk what to do anymore it’s either head empty or head so full I wish it would just fucking explode. Dunno what to do aside from listen to more Mac Miller drink in healthy amount to avoid a relapse and idk pray maybe????? I just wanna not feel this way and the only way I can see that happening is if I die so yeah fun times. And on top of everything I leave my bf to go out of state in less than a week to spend time with my mom and sister and that’s gonna be a shitshow cause I can’t bring any weed and everytime we’re together she feels the need to constantly belittle me and act like I’m not a grown person who has moved out successfully at the age of 18 and buys all my own shit but yeah ig I’m still the fucked up kid who does drugs and lies and manipulates and ig to my parents I’ll always be that person, like ig it’s because I hurt their feeling or whatever but I got my feelings hurt by them too and I have tried my hardest to let that shit go and i just don’t understand why they can’t do the same. 🥲🙃😭😢😟😓😥😰