#sad because it really highlights how far removed i am now that i didnt even get a hello from more then like 2 people | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jackalhadrurusluvr · 2 months ago

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update: just hung around my brother mostly and my ex-neighbors WERE NOT THERE! idk why because they lived next to my grandmother for like 15 years but. i am so glad they werent there! but my moms bf was and he is still the worlds biggest asshole and why my mom stays with him i have no idea!!!!!!!! but. yaknow. sooooo cool that she chose him to stay with her rather then i (the ultimatum i gave her) (which was long overdue because who moves an adult man whos rude into their home when their child (afab because it feels important in this situation specifically) is like 12 years old dawg) (nothing bad happened besides the casual me hating his presence so much that i went without food and water but like did she not realize how easily something worse couldve happened?) (when i told her i was visciously uncomfortable with him around did she just think i was gonna be chill with him being around forever?) (she seemed unhappy around him today. does she not realize that she doesnt have to stay with him?????? surely she realizes that he is awful????)

but my little cousin who went off to the navy said hi to me and gave me a hug and that was nice :-) he always was the least-judgemental of...... literally everyone whos around my age in my family. so it was nice to see him. i also saw my niece and nephew and they are like. actual teenagers now. and that was freaky because i know them as young children in my head. idk. its crazy that everyone ages bro

the pros of going to my grandmothers funeral/celebration of life tomorrow: closure or whatever. i dont really know ive only been to two funerals in my whole life and i dont fully get what im suppsed to feel and do there

the cons: i dont talk to literally anyone on my moms side of the family. i could follow my brother around but he's gonna be mostly around my mom, who i do not talk to for a thousand reasons. and my ex-neighbors who are very openly transphobic to me will be around her. and no one on her side of the family really Gets that im trans either so like it just all sucks. i will surely get emotional because y'know, and that means that i will be emotional in front of my mom, which is bad for me. all my cousins are weird around me because we were close as kids but now no one knows how to approach me because ive only gotten more awkward and more unable to verbally speak

#the last funeral i went to was my grandfathers on my dads side and it was open casket and inside and im glad this wasnt like that #we were outside and at the end they put the urn with her ashes into the ground #and it was nice #idk i cant think too hard about it all because ill get emotional and im already rocking a headache i dont need tears #other then my cousin no one else tried to hug me which is good but also sad #good because i was forced into so many hugs i didnt want when i was young bc my family is very physical #sad because it really highlights how far removed i am now that i didnt even get a hello from more then like 2 people #the problem is that usually in person with my mom things go fine and i go ok. this is fine #but then afterwards i must live with the knowledge of every wrong she has ever wronged me with #and i go wow. theres a reason i dont want to be around her at all #im so bad at defending myself and being strong in-person but theres really not much i can do when im mostly non-verbal #how can a man stand up for himself when he can barely say 2 words at a time #whatevs. im gonna go curl up in bed with my longfic #my whole body hurts soooooooo bad. my whole face radiates pain. my brain my forehead my eyes my jaw my cheeks everything #my backkkkkkkkkkkk my back. just like spiderman. but instead of falling off a building i just existed #my hips and my legs and my ankles. stood on lots of uneven ground today. they didnt like that #practically every muscle feels a little achey because i tense them something fierce when stressed (as u can imagine. 24/7)#im having cramp-like sensations #but surely its just stress or something because my period can NOT try to come right now #i just took my shot 2 days ago dawg #i need my testosterone to be beef mode and just convince my body i dont need to be shedding any uterus whatever

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