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primaviva · 1 year ago

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PAIRING: gwen stacy x fem!reader

SYNOPSIS: gwen has been acting distant lately. first, she started taking longer to reply to your texts, then she became less responsive to your calls, and now you hardly get to see your girlfriend at all. every time you do manage to talk, it feels like she's dreading something yet to come. it's starting to seem pretty obvious to you that gwen doesn't want to be in a relationship with anymore. and maybe you're not too far off from the truth. can she make it up to you though?

WARNING/NOTES: heavy angst with comfort at the end, relationship issues/mentions of breaking up, emotionally unstable and struggling gwen who’s in need of some love, heavy making out and romantic frustration, parents gonna be parents, nothing nasty she’s a minor yall please !! also this isn’t spell checked or grammar checked much it’s too long for allat ENJOY THO

gwen had been distant for a while.

so much has been happening lately in her life, you know that. it’s like she's struggling to keep up with everything life throws at her. every day, gwen just seems more exhausted, drained, and down in the dumps. you can see this look of sadness and hopelessness in her eyes whenever you catch a glimpse of her. you always used to be the one to cheer her up, and she'd even call you her favorite girl. but now, whenever you try to comfort her, talk to her, or even get close, she just avoids it all. it's not just suspicion anymore, it's real worry. the doubts began to creep in. are you not doing enough? did she lose interest? hell, you've even wondered if she found someone else who's more adaptable to her life, even better than you.

but at the end of the day, you just missed her. you found yourself reaching for the clothes she had given you more frequently, slipping into her shirts as you settled into bed or donning her hoodies when stepping out, just like you were doing at that very moment. it was as if her clothes held the power to bridge the distance between you, it always made you feel close to her even when she wasn’t around.

today, you had a list of errands to run, prompted by a last-minute text from your guardians, urging you to pick up essential groceries for the week. as you inhaled deeply, gwen's hoodie enveloped you with her essence. the scent of lavender and vanilla mingled with a hint of something sweet and leathery. it was a fragrance that encapsulated her very

presence, intensifying your ache for her.

it didn’t take long for you to get to the market and pick up what you needed. but as you were heading out, something caught your eye.

it was spiderwoman, gwen, perched on top of a building, looking completely exhausted. she looked tired, like she had just finished thwarting a local crime. the building wasn’t too tall, so you knew she would be able to hear you.

“hey, spider! feels i haven’t seen you in forever,” you shouted up at her, causing her to look down with a startled expression etched on her mask.

“oh uh, hi. i didnt expect to see you. what brought you around?” she questioned, surprise apparent in her tone.

“what? i’m not allowed to go grocery shopping outside my house?” you teased, but it seemed she took it seriously. “sorry… i didn’t mean it like that.”

“i know, gwen,” you reassured her with a small smile, but it faded as you studied her face. the corners of her usual smile when she saw you were drooping. it was as if your presence brought her a sense of dread, and it only deepened the heaviness in your heart. why were you causing her to feel this way?

“hey, um… i can take you home if you want. it's safer that way,” gwen suggested, hopping down from the building and walking towards you. she didn't even meet your gaze; it was like she physically couldn't. her eyes darted to the ground. “oh? how protective of you.”

gwen simply nodded, taking the groceries from you and holding them herself. she wrapped her arm around your waist, and together, you swung through the city back to your place. the wind brushed against your face, your clothes fluttering in the breeze. you glanced up at her, expecting her to look at you with her usual playful smile, teasing you about how fast she swung. but she didn't. she stared ahead, her eyes distant. even behind her mask, you could sense the strain in her eyes, as if she carried an unyielding burden on her shoulders. you could feel her gaze, sensing her stealing glances at you from the corner of her eye. in those stolen moments, she absorbed your beauty, your caring nature, and your love for her, which only made what she was about to do hurt even more. her heart ached.

"is everything okay?" you asked, concern lacing your voice as you tried to gauge where her head was at. however, she remained quiet, completely ignoring you as you drew closer to your destination. sensing her withdrawal, you decided to shift back into the uncomfortable silence and sounds of new york. "let's just focus on getting you home, okay?"

her lack of response only deepened the sense of unease within you. you just couldn't shake the feeling that something was troubling her, something she wasn't ready to share. it was as if a barrier had formed, isolating her from you, and it pained you to witness her distance.

before you knew it, you arrived at your place. she safely dropped you off inside and handed you the grocery bag. gwen turned to leave, but you quickly grabbed her hand. she was about to walk away, without saying a word to you.

“can you stay? just for a little?” you asked, your voice carrying a heartfelt plea. holding onto her hand, you gently tugged, motioning for her to come inside.

as she stepped through the doorway, her tall figure lowered, and then rose again. an anxious air filled the room, and you couldn't help but feel your heart race. she stood there, looking down at you, her face still obscured by the mask, but you could sense her deep ocean eyes staring right into yours. it was as if the weight of unspoken words lingered between you, begging to be acknowledged.

for a moment that felt like an eternity, the silence enveloped you both. the intensity of the unspoken emotions hung in the air, and you wondered if she would finally let the walls around her heart crumble.

as the silence lingered between you, gwen finally spoke, her voice carrying a tinge of detachment. "alright, i can stay for a little bit," she conceded, her words lacking their usual warmth. gwen took her mask off and leaned against your wall, and it looked as if she hated every minute that was going to come. she attempted to bridge the gap by asking generic questions, trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy. "so, how was your day? anything interesting happen?"

but the tension became too much for you to bear. frustration welled up inside you, and you couldn't suppress it any longer. “gwen, please, we need to talk,” you announced firmly, your voice tinged with a mix of concern and exasperation. you needed to confront her about her behavior, to understand what was truly troubling her.

gwen's eyes widened slightly, and a flicker of apprehension crossed her face while her body suddenly tensed. you haven’t even asked her anything yet and her body language already betrayed the inner turmoil she was trying to hide.

"what's really going on with you?" you pressed, your voice filled with a mixture of frustration and concern. "first, you started spending less and less time with me. then you stopped texting, and eventually, you stopped calling altogether. you're being so distant, and i can't understand why. i don't even see you anymore. gwen, talk to me, please."

gwen took a deep breath, her voice trembling slightly as she responded, "i... i don't know. i've been struggling lately, and it's just been a lot, okay?"

your heart ached, feeling the weight of her words and sensing the depth of her pain. but you couldn't let her vague answer slide. the frustration bubbled up within you, pushing you to make your own feelings known. "no, gwen, it's not okay, miss me with that!" you exclaimed, your voice tinged with desperation. "you can't keep being vague and shutting me out. we can't expect this relationship to work if you won't let me in. i know you, and i can tell when you're hurting. when you're struggling, i want to be there for you, but you don't let me. why? i just want to be there for you, to see you, and you refuse to let me!"

the words hung in the air, the tension between you palpable. before you could reach out to comfort her, gwen's next words burst forth with unexpected force, as if they had been bottled up inside her for far too long. "well, maybe we need to break up!"

her words hit you like a sudden blow, knocking the wind out of you. the intensity and impulsiveness of her statement took you aback, leaving you momentarily speechless. in truth, it startled you. her voice raised involuntarily, the words tumbling out before she could fully process them. it was as if she had unintentionally unleashed the bottled-up thoughts she so desperately tried to keep from you. but as the shock subsided, a surge of determination coursed through you. you couldn't let her push you away without a fight.

"no, gwen, we can't just throw it all away like that," you responded, your voice shaky with a mix of hurt and resolve. "i refuse to believe that breaking up is the answer. we've faced challenges before, we're a team, remember? we can work through this, but we need to communicate, to be honest with each other. don't give up on us so fucking easily,” you spoke, but it sounded like a demand for her not to just dispose of everything you both have.

silence hung heavy in the air.

gwen's fists clenched as she leaned against the wall, her back turned to you. "i'm sorry, but i can't continue like this with you," she said, her voice filled with a mix of determination and sorrow. "the city needs me, and i can't prioritize you the way you deserve."

she turned to face you, her hands gesturing passionately as she tried to explain herself. "i'm spider-woman, and this is who i am. it gives me a sense of purpose, a responsibility to protect people. but it also means my life is in chaos, torn between so many different obligations. breaking up is the best way to protect both of us from hurt."

gwen can't stand arguments, and the thought of hurting you crushes her. she knows she'll never love anyone as much as she loves you, but she's stuck and unsure about what to do. her life feels like a total mess, with a million things pulling her in different directions. how can she be spider-woman and still be with you? and honestly, she's not even sure if she's being selfish by considering a breakup. her brain keeps telling her it's the best way to protect both of you from getting hurt. but deep down, her heart screams at her to stop overthinking and just hold you tight.

you looked at her, shock evident on your face as tears welled up in your eyes. wiping your tears with your hoodie, you tried to keep your composure. "do you really mean that? you want to break up just like that, without even considering other options?" you asked, the hurt and confusion evident in your voice.

gwen snapped, her words sharp but tinged with regret. "i do mean it! you have to understand that as long as i'm spider-woman, our relationship will never work out. i'm sorry, okay? i love you more than anyone else."

tears streamed down gwen's cheeks as she despised herself and the situation she found herself in. her voice choked with emotion, she pleaded, "please, don't make this harder than it already is."

you raised your voice in frustration but quickly regained your composure. "how can you ask me not to make it harder? do you hear how you're talking to me?" you said, your tone filled with a mixture of annoyance and concern. "i love you, gwen. i wanted to be by your side. why should you have to go through this alone?" cupping her cheeks, you wiped away her tears with your thumb.

gwen sobbed, her voice trembling with sadness. "i know you do. and you would be by my side, but i can't bear the thought of you getting hurt..."

that was the crux of the matter. gwen couldn't bear to see those she cared about in danger. she had witnessed the pain and loss that came with her superhero life, and she couldn't bear to risk hurting you too. she pulled you close, embracing you tightly with all her strength. "i'm sorry, it's just... it's for you," she cried.

"for me?" you whispered, your heart aching. "but this isn't what i want..." you hugged her back, standing on your tiptoes to reach her height. "gwen, you can't let the weight of your past losses consume you. you say this is for me, but it's not what i want. i want to be with you, to support you."

gwen's voice cracked as she spoke through her tears. "but what i want is for you to be safe. i am really sorry. please don't try to convince me otherwise, it will only hurt me even more."

gwen may project strength and confidence, but deep down, she feels anything but strong. every word she speaks right now fills her with self-hatred. she believes that breaking up is truly for the best, as she wishes to shield you from the chaos of her life.

"it's really for the best," you muttered, your voice tinged with uncertainty. your eyes were red and puffy, and you pulled away slightly, nervously playing with your hoodie as you gazed up at her.

seeing your pain only intensifies gwen's own anguish. she fights back tears desperately. "it will be. i'll always love you, i promise," she whispers, holding your face gently, her eyes fixated on your swollen, red eyes that only deepen her sadness. "you'll find someone better than me, i know you will."

"please don't say that," you respond, your voice trembling as you struggle to hold back sobs. "i don't want someone else. i want you, gwen. nobody has ever understood me the way you do. every relationship has its challenges, but that's normal. i just want to be with you through it all. please don't push me away because you're scared."

and that's exactly what she's doing, pushing you away out of fear. fear of your pain, fear of her own emotions, fear of her feelings for you. gwen is overwhelmed with emotions in this moment, and your declaration of love and your belief that no one could be better for you only intensify the guilt she already carries.

"please stop," she whispers, tears streaming down her face. "there's nothing you can say to change my mind."

this is much harder than she anticipated. she thought she could simply utter those five devastating words and walk away, but she can't help but savor what might be her last moments with you. gwen locks eyes with you, torn between her heart and her mind. her mind tells her that keeping you away is the only way to protect you, but her heart yearns for the warmth of your embrace.

"we'll still see each other, i just..." she struggles to finish her sentence, tears cascading down her cheeks. she gently tries to create distance between you, despising herself for even desiring it. loving you more than anything doesn't necessarily mean she should have you; if anything, it seems to suggest that she should stay away.

"i'm so scared," she whispers, closing her eyes tightly as she holds you close. "i'm scared of all the wrong things. my mind races, imagining all the things that could go wrong. i don't want to be in a relationship where i have to choose between you and what i need to do."

she lets out a deep sigh. "it's just... my life never seems to get any easier, and i don't want to drag you down with me."

she desperately tries to convince herself that she's making the right choice, but deep down, she's failing. seeing you standing there before her breaks her heart, not only because of what she's about to do, but because it's the first time she's been this close to you in a while. it's different from the times she watched you from a distance as spider-woman because she missed you. no, not at all. you're right in front of her, and she yearns for you so intensely. yet, she can't help feeling that it's wrong for her to want you.

"life isn't supposed to get easier," you say weakly, your voice filled with sincerity. "that's why we have people who support us." cupping her cheek, you gently tilt her head to meet your gaze. "i know you're scared. i know you've been through a lot... but you're not going to drag me down with you, gwen. don't push away everyone you love. don't push me away. you don't have to face this alone. we're in this together... that's what a relationship is."

gwen stares at you, tears streaming down her face. her heart races, and her body trembles. she's never felt so torn in her entire life. what can she say? you're right. why is she trying so hard to push you away? is it truly to protect you or is it to protect herself? the latter thought resonates with gwen the most. the idea of having someone to lean on, someone to share the burden with, it's intoxicating.

"i-" she stutters, her voice unsteady. stuttering is not something typical of gwen. what you're saying means everything to her. you're expressing what she desperately wanted to hear.

"i know, i know," gwen sobs. "but there are too many 'buts.' i won't have time to see you, i'll be constantly worried about your safety, i'll have to cancel plans, and i won't be able to fully be present in our relationship anymore." tears continue to stream down gwen's cheeks as she pours out her fears. "i've lost so many people, and i can't bear the thought of hurting the few i have left..."

she locks her gaze with your tear-filled eyes. "i just don't want... to hurt you." gwen can't bring herself to say the rest. she can't vocalize her deepest fears, dreading that they might become a reality.

gwen walks past you and sits on your bed, her legs spread out slightly as she cradles her head in her hands, taking a deep breath. "i'm sorry," she mutters softly, her words muffled by her hands.

"don't apologize, gwen. none of this is your fault. you have to stop blaming yourself. we can get through this together, okay? remember, i'm your girlfriend, and i'm not going anywhere."

you approach her, positioning yourself between her legs at the edge of the bed, lifting her face to meet yours. without a second thought, you lean in and kiss her.

in that moment, time seems to slow down. gwen feels as if her heart stops beating, only to start again in the next instant.

gwen kisses you back, her body releasing the pent-up relief she has longed for. she had been scared, pushing you away when all she truly desired was to be loved by you. your words and your kiss make her feel safe. the kiss feels like pure magic. she feels your lips lingering against hers, and she can't help but smile ever so slightly.

"i thought... i thought i was alone, but... i was wrong," she whispers, her arms enveloping you in a tight embrace. in this moment, she feels an overwhelming happiness with you that she never knew existed. it's been a while since she felt this way, since the last time she saw you.

gwen loves you, and you love her. amidst the chaos surrounding them, there's no reason to push everyone away when she can pull them closer. "i love you," she manages to say, her voice weak. "and i'm so scared of losing you, of being alone. but... i'm going to try," she promises, holding you tightly.

she's deeply in love with you, and her mind is finally aligning with her heart's perspective.

"i love you too," you respond, pressing your forehead against hers. "all you have to do is try, and i'll be right here, ready to lend you my shoulder to lean on."

as you hold her close, gwen allows her mask to slip, surrendering to the overwhelming emotions. she cries into your shoulder, clinging onto you tightly. "can i... stay at your place tonight? i don't want to sleep alone," she pleads, holding onto you desperately. "i just want to be with you so badly, please."

blushing at her words, you feel relieved that you were able to talk her out of her impulsive behavior. "of course, i'll stay with you, gwen," you assure her, leaning in to peck her lips.

she looks like an emotional mess, and you can't help but feel remorse for not fully understanding the toll being spider-woman had taken on her. you knew it was a heavy burden, but you didn't grasp the extent of it. "would you like another hug?" you ask, offering a smile.

"yes, please," gwen responds desperately, reaching out her arms and pulling you closer until your bodies are pressed against each other, allowing you to feel every heartbeat, every breath. “a hug would be really nice right now.”

the feeling of being tightly held by her girlfriend is all she craves at this moment, the feeling of being home.

"i'm sorry, i just... i just love you so much that i thought i had to let you go," gwen confesses, her voice filled with remorse. "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. it's just... i feel like i'm going to crack in two. spider-woman and gwen stacy, they're both pulling me in different directions... i don't know how to find balance."

your heart breaks upon hearing her words. it pains you to know that gwen feels so lost and alone, and that she was scared to open up about it.

"you can't balance two things that are the same," you explain gently. "we can't always find perfect balance in our lives. it's about learning to live with it. if you felt this way, we could've talked about it, or i could've simply been there to hug you in silence... why didn't you tell me?"

bringing up the topic of communication is painful, as it was her lack of communication that sparked this entire conflict.

"because!" gwen practically explodes in her attempt to defend herself. "because i... i'm scared." she stands up from the bed, looking you in the eye. "i didn't want to be a burden, someone you had to 'deal with.' i wanted to be there for you, but i'm always stuck being spider-woman. that's why it hurts so much. i don't want it to be the only part of me, but it is. i'm scared of having these problems, scared that they will push you away. i was afraid that telling you these things would make everything worse... i'm only realizing now that if i'm going to have any chance at a successful relationship, i have to be open and honest, even if it scares me." she takes a deep breath, walking around the room as she searches for the right words. "i was so afraid of expressing how i felt, what these overwhelming emotions meant, and most of all... i was terrified of you breaking my heart."

you listen intently, absorbing every word that falls from her lips.

"i was just so scared of everything, and i didn't expect you to be so amazing about it, like you are right now," gwen admits with a dry laugh. "i guess that makes me a bad girlfriend, doesn't it?"

gwen's tearful sniff subsides, and she wipes away her tears once more. "i know you're going to hate me for this, but if this becomes too much, and you get exhausted with me, promise you'll tell me," she says, her voice filled with uncertainty.

"i can't promise you that, gwen," you respond, your voice filled with love and reassurance. "because i'll never get exhausted being by your side. i'll always be your number one supporter... and groupie," you add, attempting to lighten the mood with a playful tease.

she chuckles at your words, a genuine laugh escaping her lips. "yeah? at least now i know who my number one fan is," she jokes, a light smile gracing her lips. the weight of guilt that had burdened her for weeks begins to lift as she realizes that talking to you is making her feel better than ever. she's starting to believe that together, you can make the relationship work.

looking up at you, gwen's eyes turn serious, peering into yours with intensity. "promise?" she asks, her voice filled with desperation, but not in a way that seeks pity. she simply yearns for reassurance and comfort. "promise me that i'll never just... be another problem in your life, something that drags you down or forces you to do more than you want to? i know you'd never truly get exhausted by me, but i understand that the pressures of being in a relationship can feel overwhelming at times."

her doubt-filled voice tugs at your heart. you want to erase all the insecurities and doubts that haunt her mind, but you also know that she must learn to stand on her own. after all, she is spider-woman.

"gwen, i will always be patient with you. i want to be by your side, and you can tell me anything, you know that," you reassure her, reaching out to touch her, your hands gently holding the sides of her neck.

as gwen sees your smile, her heart races with joy. in this moment, she feels more alive than ever before.

"my girlfriend is patient, amazing, and gorgeous..." gwen whispers, her eyes glancing at your lips as you giggle at her comment. "i love you," she says softly, leaning in to kiss you, her hands cupping your face. "i'm sorry for acting this way. if i'm honest, i think i'm the crazy one for pushing you away. i don't know what i would do without you. i'm so sorry for everything. it feels like all i've done is apologize to you."

gwen longs for your embrace, for your hands to caress her hair. the past few minutes have been a nightmare, and all she wants is to be close to you, to share the same breath. unable to contain herself any longer, she kisses you again, her hands reaching out for you as she pulls you closer, trying to make up for all the emotions she had kept inside. you kiss her back, your arms around her neck pulling her closer, feeling her chest against yours.

"you're so perfect... i can't stress that enough," gwen murmurs, looking into your eyes with deep affection. she nestles herself into your arms, embracing you tightly. "i can't imagine being with anyone else. i've never felt this way about anyone before. thank you for waiting for me, for putting up with me."

"i love you too, gwen. but you don't have to thank me for loving you. it's not a job; i love you because you're you," you reassure her, running your hands through her hair.

"i know, i know," gwen says, her voice quieter and softer. "sorry, i think i'm just emotionally drained. it's all starting to settle in." she takes a few deep breaths to calm herself. "but you're right. i'll work on finding a balance between gwen and spider-woman. and... thank you, for everything. i love you so much... you're so patient with me."

"we're going to get through this together, alright? you're not alone, i promise you. as long as i'm here, you'll never be alone," you declare to gwen.

"thank you, really..." she says in a quieter, softer voice. "i'm feeling kind of good about this now. i feel like everything will just work out, you know? like a weight is lifted off my shoulders." she smiles, her lips gently pressing against yours.

gwen's desire and longing for you intensify as she gazes into your eyes, her voice filled with a mix of passion and vulnerability. "i've missed you so much, and now that we're finally together, i want to make it up to you," she whispers, her hands still wrapped around your waist, pulling you closer.

you feel a surge of warmth and affection as you listen to her words. your love for gwen is unwavering, and you want to reassure her that she's not a bad girlfriend, despite her doubts. you place your hands gently on her chest, looking deeply into her eyes, and speak softly, "gwen, don't let this make you feel like you're a bad girlfriend. you aren't, and i mean that. everyone has their bad moments, but they pass. you've been a good girlfriend, the best i could've ever asked for."

curiosity fills your voice as you ask her how she wants to make it up to you. your eyes lock with hers, and you can sense the tenderness and desire in her gaze. the air crackles with anticipation, and you can feel the room narrowing down to just the two of you.

gwen doesn't respond with words. instead, she smiles and leans in closer, her lips almost brushing against yours. your heart flutters, and a wave of heat rushes through your body. the intensity in her eyes and the closeness between you both create an electrifying atmosphere.

your cheeks flush with warmth as you feel a mix of flustered emotions. you can't help but confess, "i mean every word of what i've told you, gwen. i could never love you any less."

without hesitation, gwen presses her body against yours, her hands against the wall, trapping you in her embrace. the tension between you builds, and your eyes remain locked as you wait for her next move.

"i love you too," she murmurs, her face reddening. her hands gently move to caress your cheeks, and your lips are tantalizingly close. gwen's breathing becomes heavier, and you can sense the rapid thumping of her heart. "so much."

she closes her eyes briefly, then opens them again, leaning in closer. gwen sighs, her lips meeting yours in a deep, passionate kiss. the sound of her slow-paced pants fills your ears, heightening the intensity of the moment. time seems to stand still as your lips finally connect, your love reaching its pinnacle. gwen holds you tightly, her body tense with desire, her face flushed with excitement. the taste of her lips leaves you feeling intoxicated, dizzy, and filled with overwhelming happiness.

this is for you. you deserve this, and so does she.

gwen wants to give you everything, and she pours her heart and soul into this kiss. her fingers intertwined with your hair, pulling you closer, wanting to be as close to you as possible.

a soft moan escapes your lips, mirroring the pleasure that gwen feels. her smile widens within the kiss, and she whimpers softly, completely lost in the moment. every sense is overwhelmed by your touch, and she can't imagine a world without your love. you are her everything.

reluctantly, gwen breaks the kiss, her eyes still locked on yours. her lips are flushed with the heat of the moment, and she bites them with a mix of desire and anticipation. her fingers continue to run through your hair, her touch filled with longing and a yearning to explore every part of you.

"i missed you," she whispers, her voice filled with longing and desperation as her heart races against yours. the sound of rain outside creates a serene backdrop, punctuated only by your labored breathing.

gently, you reach up and stroke the side of gwen's face with your hand, your touch a soothing balm against her worries. "i missed you too, gwen," you admit, your voice filled with sincerity. "i wish i had known how you were feeling, but i'm here now, and so are you."

gwen nods in response, her eyes reflecting a familiar self-critical nature that she often carries as both gwen stacy and spider-woman. she has spent so much time fighting and trying to save the world that she neglected her own needs and the needs of those closest to her. she has a tendency to push people away, always opting to face challenges alone.

"i didn't think you'd understand," she replies, her voice catching in her throat. "i've spent so much time running away, keeping everything to myself because i was so scared. it’s like everything is collapsing on me all of a sudden."

you offer a reassuring smile as gwen speaks, your touch providing her with a sense of comfort and relief. before you can respond, she continues, not pausing to let you interject.

"i wish i could be more open like you," she whispers, her words filled with determination. "i promise to change that, to be more honest. i want to be spider-woman and gwen, and i vow to never push you away because of it. you're mine, and i'm yours. you'll always be my number one. please don't ever forget that."

moved by her words, gwen leans in to kiss you once again, feeling the flutter of butterflies in her stomach as your lips meet. your love makes her feel safe, anchoring her and reminding her of who she truly is without the weight of spider-woman. with you, she is simply gwen stacy, and your love restores her sense of self.

"i wish i was a better girlfriend," she confesses, her voice barely above a whisper, but close enough for you to hear.

"gwen," you whisper in return, searching for the words that will bring her comfort. "nobody expects perfection in a relationship. ups and downs are normal, and you've been going through so much on your own. don't be too hard on yourself. i love you, and i'm here for you."

her mind is a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, and she buries her head into your shoulder, seeking solace in your embrace. her tears fall onto your arms, and she holds you tighter, finding solace and strength in your presence.

"you're right," she sighs, her voice tinged with a mix of relief and vulnerability. "i just don't want to disappoint you. but things are changing; i promise. i love you so much. you mean everything to me."

you can sense that gwen has more to say, her thoughts jumbled and unorganized. with a gentle touch, you brush her loose hairs behind her ear and encourage her to open up further.

"talk to me, gwen. that's why i'm here," you say, offering her a safe space to express herself.

gwen takes a deep breath, her voice trembling as she continues, "i've been pulling away from you for the past few months, neglecting our relationship. i was afraid of losing you or hurting you, so i distanced myself. i've been doubting myself, questioning if i can be spider-woman, your girlfriend, and still be gwen stacy. what if i fall short? what if…”

tears well up in gwen's eyes once again, she can’t even finish her thoughts. she doesn’t want to fall short but what if she does? just like all the other times? she clings to you, afraid of losing the connection you share.

"i never want to let go of you," she whispers, her voice filled with remorse. "i'm sorry for being such a mess."

as you listen attentively to gwen's words, a se se understanding and empathy wash over you. you realize that she needs your unwavering support, and your ready to provide that.

"did you act that way because you wanted me to break up with you first? or did you just not realize how distant you were being?" you asked, your voice filled with confusion and hurt. "it really hurt me. you avoided my texts and calls, and you stopped coming to see me as often. i didn't know what i did wrong. i didn't know if you lost feelings for me, found someone else, or what was going on."

gwen quickly shook her head, her eyes filled with concern. "no, no... never that," she replied, her voice urgent. "i would never want to make you feel bad. you did nothing wrong. i didn't lose feelings for you and i definitely didn’t find somebody else. it was just me, you know? i'm the problem."

you gently cupped her face and drew her closer, your touch offering comfort. "gwen, you're not a problem to me. but please, tell me, did you want me to break up with you?"

gwen took a moment, her breathing uneven as she tried to gather her thoughts. slowly, she nodded, her face flushing with embarrassment as she began to understand the impact of her actions.

"yeah, i wanted you to break up with me," she admitted, her words coming out hastily. "i pushed you away because i thought it would be best for both of us. please don't think i cheated on you, though. i would never do that to you," she explained, her gaze fixed on the floor.

gwen looked away, tears welling up in her eyes once again. "i just felt this immense pressure, and i couldn't keep fighting everything. but i also couldn't just give up. so i kept it all inside, pretending to be okay, hoping it would all be fine. i've seen what happens to people close to me, and i didn't want that for you. i held back so that you wouldn't have to witness spider-woman taking over. i should've explained what i was feeling instead of trying to protect you in my own misguided way."

her words became muddled as tears threatened to overcome her. the thought of you being hurt because of her actions was unbearable.

you nodded slowly, taking in gwen's perspective and the reasons behind her behavior. it was bittersweet to hear that she now understood the mistake she had made and the importance of open communication.

"so, when you realized i wasn't going to break up with you, you decided you needed to end it yourself?" you asked, studying her face intently.

"i... i guess you could say that," gwen replied, her body tensing up. she fell silent, unsure of what to say or do. the weight of her actions finally settling upon her.

"you deserved to be with someone better, someone less selfish, and someone who wasn't constantly busy saving the world. i wanted you to be happy and safe, so i thought..." gwen's voice trailed off, hoarse with shame at her inability to effectively communicate her feelings. "i thought letting you go would make that happen."

gwen swallowed back the lump in her throat, her words filled with a mixture of pain and regret. "i'm just so used to hiding everything from everyone, even you. i couldn't see a way out... i felt like no matter what decision i made, i would end up losing you. either physically or emotionally. it felt too dangerous to stay together, yet pushing you away would ruin us. i felt trapped, and i thought it would be best for both of us. i thought you would end up hating me. but you've been so... so good to me, and you've shown me patience when i needed it most."

you let out a deep sigh, your mind racing. how did you not notice the burden she had been carrying? you had been there for gwen on her difficult days, but somehow, you had missed the weight she bore alone every time she sought solace in you, every time she climbed through your window at night. gwen noticed the distant look in your eyes as you grappled with your own feelings.

"i'm sorry," she whispered, her voice filled with remorse. "you're so patient, so perfect... i don't want to lose you. it wasn't right for me to break up with you like that. you don't deserve that."

she desperately wanted to fix the situation, to make you feel okay again, but she felt lost, unsure of how to proceed.

"and you thought pushing me away would make me lose interest?" you responded, a hint of disbelief in your voice, considering the depth of your connection and the challenges you had overcome together. all the times gwen had comforted you with your issues or saved you from yourself. it was almost amusing to think you would ever lose interest in gwen. "i'm almost offended that you believed that would be enough to make me give up on you and what we have."

as you spoke, you could see gwen's world collapsing upon itself, her struggle to comprehend how you could still love her after she had pushed you away.

"yeah, i know it sounds ridiculous," she admitted, her voice tinged with self-realization. "i should have seen all this time how much you've been there for me, how important i am to you. but it was only when i pushed you away that i realized just how much i truly need you," she confessed, her vulnerability laid bare. "i wanted to spare both of us the pain and struggle of my double life. i was thinking of you, but i didn't consider your feelings at all. i thought by cutting myself out of your life, i could rid you of spider-woman and the complications that come with me. i wanted to protect you from myself, from the mess that engulfs my life. and that was so wrong of me."

gwen closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "i thought you deserved better," she said in a quiet voice, her words heavy with regret. "i thought i would be this dark cloud over your life, constantly bringing you down. but i want our relationship to be better. i want to be better for you. i don't want to keep hurting you."

her hands slowly move up to your chest, fingers digging into your clothes as if wanting to feel you.

“but gwen-” you try to speak, you try to reassure her and comfort her, but she isn’t having none of it. “but nothing! i was trying to think of a way to let you go without hurting you. i thought... if i acted cold, distant, you would lose interest in me. you should have someone that doesn't stress you out and keep you awake at night just because of her issues."

she withdrew from your embrace, her movements tentative, as if trying to calm the storm of thoughts swirling in her mind.

"this is why i feel like such a mess," she whispered, her voice barely audible. "i can't think clearly, i can't find the right words, and i'm so afraid... afraid of losing you, afraid of failing, afraid of failing you. i don't have all the answers because i'm scared. i'm truly sorry."

"you shouldn't have burdened yourself like this, gwen. you shouldn't have caused us both pain. we are stronger together, you know that," you reassured her, reaching out to hold her hand, offering a gentle squeeze. "you have been an incredible girlfriend to me. can't you see that? we all have our flaws, but you have always been there for me, caring for me, making me feel loved and truly myself. there is no one else i could ever desire."

with hesitation, you leaned in, rising up to her height and tenderly kissed her, conveying the depth of your sincerity and gratitude. it was a kiss that symbolized your unwavering commitment, showing her how much she meant to you and how fervently you desired her by your side.

those few words are just what gwen needed. all the doubt inside that plagued her mind were casted away as you kissed her, pressing your lips against hers. your words

a gasp escaped gwen's lips as she felt the tender connection, her arms instinctively wrapping around you, holding you tightly. the kiss was a balm to her soul, so exquisite and intoxicating that it made her question how she could have caused you so much pain. your words alone had the power to break down her defenses, and your kiss was a testament to the depth of your affection.

"i'm so sorry," she whispered, her voice filled with remorse, as she clung to you. "i don't know what's wrong with me. i wanted to make you happy, but i kept running away. i feel so stupid. i wish i had just told you this sooner. can you forgive me?”

gwen's body presses against yours, her fingers interlacing with yours as she tries to calm herself down.

"i don't want to be spider-woman right now. i just want to be gwen stacy... your gwen stacy,” she said, staring you deeply in the eye as she leaned closer to you.

“gwen,” you said softly, “i already forgave you. i understand you and why you do the things you do and i’ll accept and love every part of it. spider and gwen, both of you are mine.”

she is utterly speechless, so much so that she wraps both her arms around you, hugging you tightly. a smile slowly spreads across her face as you speak, your words touching every part of her. it's funny how you managed to forgive her for everything. if only she was able to forgive herself. her cheeks light up red, smiling back at you. she felt so stupid, so dumb for pushing you out in the first place, and she's so relieved that you forgive her.

"really? even if i pushed you away and kept you from the love you deserved?" gwen asks, needing to hear the truth from you. "or when i was constantly thinking about spider-woman? when i was avoiding you, not giving you the emotional support you deserve?"

gwen sounded like a broken record, still taken aback at how you gave her so much time and understanding. if you could still love her after all of this, after she hurt you so many times, she couldn't tell you how much she felt she didn't deserve your love. just when she thought her relationship with you was ruined forever, gwen was finding a new reason to hold on to hope.

“you’re both of those people gwen, and i love you. no matter what, i’m gonna be there for you. i know you go through a lot, let me be by your side and make it better, okay? because i want to,” you reassured her.

"i love you," she whispers in a hushed tone. "i'm sorry for being distant, i'm sorry for hurting you every time i put my life as spider-woman before our relationship. but you're right, spider and gwen are one. they're both a part of me.. and i want you to love all parts of me.”

the feeling was euphoric. gwen knew that she could never repay you for forgiving her, nor could she even imagine what her life would be like without you in it. she hugs you tightly, not wanting to let go.

"i want to make it up to you. right here, right now," gwen whispered softly, her voice brushing against your ear as her hands found their place around your waist, gently pulling you closer to her.

"it's been too long since i've seen you," you admitted, your voice filled with yearning for gwen. it's been so long since you seen her and since you’ve been so close. you wanted to feel her touch, to be enveloped by her love.

"i know, i feel the same way," gwen whispers. "but, can i make it up to you regardless?"

there's a slight pause.

gwen moved a strand of hair aside, her breath shaky, and her eyes darting back and forth. her cheeks grow pinker, the butterflies in her stomach turning into something else entirely.

“don’t feel entitled to do any…thing,” you tried to speak, but the words got caught in your throat and you began to lose track of what you were saying.

gwen was distracting, and the way she was looking at you wasn’t helping. as the room settled into a hushed stillness, the only sounds were the measured rhythm of her breaths and the intensity of her gaze, brimming excitement.

maybe it was the pent-up frustration of not being together for so long, maybe it was the rush of adrenaline coursing through your veins in this moment, or maybe it was the realization of just how deeply gwen's love for you ran.

gwen smiles at your words. she knows you've missed her, and she's missed you too. the blonde leans in closer, her hand on the back of your neck.

"i want to show you how much i appreciate you being here for me. and how much i love you right now,” she speaks up amongst the silence.

this might be the first time you've seen gwen this vulnerable, this exposed. her voice is quiet and her eyes look away, but her body is moving closer. her fingertips make their way down to your lips, grazing them lightly. "let me show you.."

you inhale, your mind feeling dizzy. god, the effect she had on you. you don’t want gwen to be hard on herself, to make her feel like she needs to make it up to you when she is the one struggling. but you could tell gwen wanted this too, she wanted to kiss you. the magnetic pull of her body to yours, the way her lips began to part the closer she got to your mouth, the way the muscles in her arms flexed as she began to hold you tighter.

"then show me," you mustered every ounce of bravery within you, determined to deflect the shyness that tinged your being. gwen's fingertips continued to trace the outline of your plush lips, her gaze locked with yours, as you issued the plea. "show me, gwen."

without a moment's hesitation, gwen closed the distance between you, her hands gently drawing you closer by the waist. the suddenness of her actions caught you off guard as she pressed you against the wall, her lips meeting yours with an intensity that eclipsed anything you had ever experienced before. passion surged through every fiber of your being in that electrifying moment, leaving you breathless and consumed by the sheer force of her affection.

her lips found yours and that's all you needed.

a wave of absolute euphoria washed over you, erasing all the problems and concerns that had previously weighed on your minds. in this moment, there were no worries, just the two of you, lost in each other's embrace. gwen's fingers delicately threaded through your hair, pulling you closer to her. her kisses grew more intense, and her grip on your back tightened as her lips ventured along the path of your neck.

the room seemed to spin, as if the rest of the world had faded into insignificance compared to the intensity of the connection you shared. gwen held you tightly, her kisses a tender exploration of desire and longing. the heat of her lips against yours ignited a fire within, as she trailed her kisses upward, tracing the contours of your neck.

as the intoxicating moment unfolded, you noticed a change in gwen's breathing, a rhythm that became short and choppy.

her lips are back to your mouth, gently holding your neck and leaning you against the wall as she kisses you in place firmly.

as the intensity of the kiss escalated, your hands instinctively gripped gwen's triceps, seeking stability amidst the overwhelming sensations that engulfed your being. the sheer power of the connection made it feel as if your mind was melting, lost in a haze of desire. a soft moan escaped your lips, echoing against gwen's mouth, making her whimper in response to the vibration.

her body tensed, caught between wanting to slow down and give you a moment to breathe, yet unable to resist the overwhelming surge of emotions coursing through her. gwen's sense of self began to blur as your touch elicited a kaleidoscope of sensations within her. the palpable tension between you two hung in the air, thick with longing.

she continued kissing you, pulling you closer into the embrace of her body. your forms melded together, radiating heat that spread through your entire being. your heart pounded within your chest, its rhythm matching the quickening pace of your breaths. it felt as though nothing else in your lives had ever held such significance.

the world around you faded into insignificance, and all that mattered was the connection you shared, an escape from the hardships of life.

gwen pulls back from you ever-so-slightly to catch her breath. she still has her hands gripping into your hair, but now her eyes are locked on yours. "god... i love you, you know that?”

gwen's mind was starting to blank, the only thing that was on it was you. your eyes, your lips, your touch. she was getting lost in you.

"i love you, i love you, i love you," she whispers out, her voice catching on her breathe as your hands grip her tighter.

“i know you love me,” you reply to her, your hands finding their way to gwen's neck as you caress her gently. “i love you just as much.”

gwen can't describe how she feels right now. finally, she feels free. she can be herself. all she wants is to be with you. she can't believe you're willing to forgive her, can't understand how you have all of this patience and understanding for her. in her eyes, you were too good, she questioned whether she truly deserved the love and compassion you showered upon her. she's not sure she deserves you. but you guys haven’t kissed in so long, and she can’t get enough of it.

"come here.." gwen whispers, pulling you back towards her for another kiss.

her kisses grew more fervent, her lips pressing deeply against yours with a hunger that matched the intensity of her desire. every fiber of her being came alive, sensations coursing through her body in a breathtaking symphony of pleasure. pure bliss surged through her veins, her head spinning with a heady rush.

your touch had an effect on gwen, weakening her knees and leaving her breath shaky and uneven. her face flushed with a rosy hue, reflecting the passion that consumed her. the stimulation she experienced was almost overwhelming, and she feels she might just explode.

though gwen attempted to regain control of her breathing, a part of her yearned for more. it felt as if she were caught in a whirlwind of pleasure, losing herself in the addicting embrace of your love. her hands tightened against the wall, their grip firm as they traversed down to your thighs, pulling you closer, bridging the gap between your bodies. the warmth radiating from your skin seemed to rival the sun itself, stoking the flames of desire within her.

gwen couldn't help but moan, her lips moving with increasing passion as she savored the warmth and taste of your mouth. despite her attempts to slow the frenzied pace, her tongue slipped out once more, driven by an insatiable craving for you. she explored down your neck with her tongue, trailing down to gently nibble along your collarbone, leaving a tantalizing trail of tingles in her wake.

"wow," you muttered, the sharp sensation of gwen's teeth grazing your skin eliciting a mix of surprise and pleasure. the sounds that escaped your lips were beyond your control, a testament to the powerful effect she had on you.

the sound of your whimper sent a jolt down gwen's spine. she possessed a commanding presence, a force to be reckoned with, and yet she found herself immobilized, unable to move as if held in place by an invisible tether. her hands instinctively found your hips, firmly pressing your body down onto her leg, as she stood, allowing you to find comfort leaning against the wall.

your entire being froze in response to the touch of gwen's leg, as if her very touch held the power of lightning, electrifying your senses. when you shuddered against her thigh, her grip on your hips tightened, her nails threatening to leave a temporary mark.

gwen was flustered, desperately attempting to assert control over the situation, but finding herself beat by the magnetic pull you exerted on her. every second that your gaze met hers, she felt an irresistible force tugging at her, drawing her closer to you as if guided by some unexplainable, otherworldly connection.

she looks up at you, her hair a mess around her face and flushed. "please, stop me…”

she spoke hushed, but her lips were glued onto yours. her body was glued to yours, her hands finding their way into your hair, her leg pressed against you, just everything about this moment was just perfect for her. you were making her lose her mind. she felt unworthy, like she didn’t deserve this after all she put you through.

“why would i do that?” you ask, voice barely above a whisper, “gwen, why would i do that when i don’t want this to stop?”

it felt like your words were an invitation just for her.

she could feel herself getting worked up again, every ounce of her just wanted this moment to continue. her mind was clouded with emotion and desire, she was lost in you.

"i missed you too, y'know," you said, your voice tinged with nervousness as you fidgeted with gwen's hair, your touch betraying your own vulnerability in the face of her silence.

hearing those words from you, expressing your longing for her touch and everything she embodied, was like the sweet relief of water in a desert. the weight of your words hit her with the force of a hammer, nearly knocking her off balance. her body quivered with anticipation, and when your hand brushed through her hair, delicately tucking it behind her ear, sparks ignited from the point of contact, spreading warmth throughout her being. the desire to kiss you consumed her, and she wasn't sure if she could find the strength to stop, especially when you begged her not to.

"i'm so sorry... i just can't stop myself," she confessed once more, her voice laced with desperation. "if you don't tell me to stop, i don't know if i can."

overwhelmed by her emotions and love for you, gwen found herself at a crossroads, teetering on the edge of restraint. but your response was firm and unwavering, "don't." the single word held a world of meaning, a silent permission to continue, and it resonated deeply within her.

her body ignited like a blazing fire, her breaths quickening as each touch sent electric pulses through her veins. "you have no idea how much..." gwen's voice trailed off, unable to find the words to convey the intensity of her emotions. she pulled back slightly, positioning herself nose-to-nose with you, her gaze locked onto yours.

"then i won't, but please... tell me to keep going," she whispered, her voice barely audible.

“just kiss me, gwen."

your voice, though quiet, reached gwen's ears with clarity and resolve. gripping your face with a fervent grasp, she held onto you as though her life depended on it. her kisses grew more fervent, her tongue dancing against yours, and her hands instinctively finding their way around your neck. she lost herself in the moment, overwhelmed to the point where words gave way to passionate moans, each one a testament to the intoxication of the experience.

gwen surrendered to the pleasure, no longer resisting the desire to have her leg entwined with yours. it felt perfect, the two of you merging together in this intoxicating union. pure bliss enveloped her as sensations heightened, her ears attuned to the sound of your breathing, her body quivering with the rush of emotions coursing through her. the need to hold back vanished, replaced by an insatiable hunger.

she pulled you closer, her grip firm as she pressed you down onto her leg, the friction against the floor sending waves of pleasure through her body. everything grew hotter and heavier, the weight of the moment intensifying. gwen let out a soft moan, briefly pulling away from the kiss to lock her gaze with yours. her lips were slightly parted, her cheeks flushed with desire, as she allowed herself to become lost in your eyes.

she was holding back, trying so hard to keep herself calm and slow everything down, but everything was becoming too much, too overwhelming for her to handle. she couldn’t shake this feeling though, it was like her spider senses were going off and she couldn’t tell what the vibrations in her mind were trying to tell her.

without conscious thought, gwen's hands found the rim of her hoodie, the one you were wearing. with a gentle movement, she lifted it off you and threw it onto your bed, revealing the vulnerability of your exposed waist. her touch was tender and loving as she embraced your waist, peppering your chest with fluttering kisses that elicited joyful giggles from your lips. a smile danced upon her own as she pressed against your skin, feeling like she was able to show you how much she appreciated you and wanted you, and how stupid she was to even think of letting you go.

“i’m home! made me bust in your room because you wasn’t answering me. what the hell were you doing?” your guardian asked, not furious but confused as to why you weren’t answering.

and you were just as confused. before you could even begin to panic, gwen was gone. you hastily picked up her hoodie from your bed and clutched it shyly against your chest, overwhelmed by a wave of embarrassment and a longing to retreat into hiding.

“you good? your face looks so…” your guardian examined your features. how heavy you were breathing, how heated you looked when the weatherman this morning said it was gonna be a cool day, and just how baffled you looked. "flushed?" you responded, mustering a feeble explanation. "yeah, the sweater, uh... made me a bit sweaty. so, i decided to take it off!”

you swore you could hear a faint giggle from outside, but you chose to ignore it.

“well, okay. stop actin’ like a weirdo and i’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” they said, turning around and shutting the door.

as the footsteps faded away, a familiar figure stealthily climbed back into your room through the window. "that was a close one," she quipped, and though you couldn't help but roll your eyes, a hint of a smile tugged at your lips.

"you're so corny. i hate you," you playfully declared, the hate part a jest born out of momentary frustration. the corny part, however, held some truth to it.

gwen laughed, charmed by your feigned pout. "love you too, but it seems like you have company, and i should get back to patrol," she stated, punctuating her words with a tender kiss on your lips as she held you close. "i'm sorry about the whole breakup thing, and i know i've said it before, but i still want to apologize. i'm committed to being better-for you, for me, and for us. i don't want to push people away when i should be pulling them closer, especially when i need them. you make my life as spider-woman so much easier than i ever realized, having someone to return to and lean on," she confessed with a genuine smile.

unable to resist, you rushed forward and enveloped her in a tight hug. she gasped in surprise but quickly reciprocated, teasingly lifting you off the ground before gently setting you down.

"will i see you later?" you inquired, hopeful anticipation shining in your eyes.

“of course you will,” she replied smugly, a smirk gracing her face. you couldn't help but giggle "i'ii swing by around 6, sound good?"

"absolutely," you confirmed, your radiant smile illuminating your features.

with a final smile, gwen leaned back into your window and gracefully disappeared into the night, swinging away. you waved goodbye from a distance, heart brimming with warmth and excitement for the future.

true to her word, gwen returned as promised around 6 o'clock. but more significant than her punctuality was her unwavering commitment to keeping her promise of being more open with you and making an effort. she showed you that she was willing to put in the work, to learn from her past mistakes, and to become the best version of herself -for you and for the relationship you shared.

A/N: i think i almost died typing all this. 10.5k words. im crying…

597 notes · View notes

extra-v1rgin · 10 months ago

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☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆

A/N: For the foreseeable future this will be my last installment in the Tomioka’s wife series. Reading the other parts is encouraged but not necessary. You can find all other parts on my masterlist

Also this took like 7 different drafts until I could write something I like so y’all better be thankful!! (/lh)

This work contains vague spoilers for the end of kny

Cw warnings for quick references to death, ptsd, and an amputee written by an abled body writer (though I tried my best)

☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆.。.:・°☆

Sex with one arm is a lot harder than either of you expected. You offered to sit on his lap, or that you could each lie on your side, but Giyuu insists on doing this “properly” (in his words).

It’s difficult though. Tomioka keeps moving to lean on his absent arm before crashing into you. He can’t even get his dick in before knocking his forehead into yours. Your love for your husband is everlasting, but your patience during sex is not.

“Giyuu.” You slide out from under him. “C’mon let’s take a break.” The look on his face is a little heartbreaking but your temple is still throbbing.

Tomioka presses a soft kiss to your chin. “I can do better.” He can’t pull you back underneath himself while also remaining upright so instead the man crawls towards you.

You eagerly return his kisses despite the sadness you can taste on his lips. Giyuu is never unappealing, but you’d be lying if you said you were the least bit turned on right now. “It’s late. Why don’t we hop in the bath?” You know you’re not clever with how you avoid his propositions. Even if you tried your hardest Giyuu would be able to see through your words.

He nods and doesn’t push any further. Tomioka can’t hide the sense of rejection he feels. You try to offer a few calming words but they don’t clear his misty eyes. It feels like a knife twisting inside your gut.

You let him wait in the room while you prepare the bath. The lack of his presence by your side is simultaneously relieving and sickening. It’s the same hesitant awkwardness that was present when you first got married, except ten-thousand times worse because of how intimately you now know him. A few tears slip down your cheeks but thankfully they don’t develop into anything more.

“Giyuu, the water is ready.” His back is to you. The man is staring at his sword propped up in the corner of the room. It only sits there because you didn’t know what to do upon receiving it, and Tomioka himself seems reluctant to touch it. “Giyuu…” He turns this time, obediently following you to the bathroom. “Do you want me to do your wrappings?” It’s not really a question when you’re already moving to unwind the gauze. He sits patiently while you reveal the remainder of his arm. It’s mostly healed now, but there’s a few scabs that haven’t disappeared yet along with all kinds of colorful bruising that paints his stump in greens and purples. It’s an unpleasant sight, but you’re reverent as you run your fingers over the delicate skin. Tomioka doesn’t look at the length of his arm. There’s a conversation there that you don’t know how to start.

Thankfully the bath does seem to relax him slightly. Even after weeks of rest and only gentle work there’s still so much tension in his muscles. It only seems to lessen in the warm water with you.

“How was your day?” It was the first time you left the man alone in the house since his arrival. You invited him to help you with some shopping but unsurprisingly that offer was rejected.

“Fine.”

“What did you do?”

He ponders the question for far too long. Usually Giyuu just follows you around the house while you clean or cook or just sit quietly. “…I went for a walk, outside.”

“Good, the weather’s been nice lately. Is that all you did?” You try to keep your tone casual.

“I looked at my uniform, since you cleaned it, but-“ The words fall out all at once before coming to a halt. Behind you, you can feel how quickly his heart starts beating.

After a few seconds of silence, when it’s clear he won’t say anything more, you shift to face him.

Giyuu isn’t crying but his eyes are glazed over. They don’t focus even when you move to cup his chin. “I can fix it. I know you said I didn’t have to but if you’ve changed your mind I can.”

“It’s not that. I’m not sure what to do with it now.” The only thing he’s managed to decide upon is his haori. After stitching it together from scraps (for maybe the thousandth time) it moved to the small shrine dedicated to Tsutako and Sabito and a few other new faces. Admittedly it feels odd for the familiar pattern to be absent from his body.

“You don’t have to decide now. We can keep it in the closet or packed away for however long you’d like.”

He falls quiet again. The man looks a little less sad, but not by much. When he leans down to press a kiss against your palm you manage a wry smile. “I’m glad you’re here.” His eyes brighten as they finally focus on you. The statement prompts a real smile to blossom on your face alongside heat rushing to your cheeks. You lean forward to give him a real kiss, not too chaste and not too forceful. It’s something simple.

“I love you a lot. I know things are weird, so much good and some hard things getting muddled together. I hope I’m not making you feel bad with, with the sex and-“

“It’s fine. I don’t know why I-“ His voice cracks. “-Why I keep pushing for it.”

“I love you,” you repeat. “And I’m glad to see you home. Though we should both find hobbies maybe.” You put another smile onto his lips.

“The bath is getting cold.”

“It feels like we only have productive conversations in here though.” It’s proven in the way neither of you leap to get out. You’re content to leech off of Giyuu’s body head and occasionally shiver.

Eventually though all the excuses in the world can’t keep you in the cold water. With a sigh you’re forced to step out and shiver on the bare tile. You grin at Giyuu from behind your wet dripping hair. He fetches robes for the both of you. Meanwhile you go to the counter a pull out a medical ointment for the remaining cuts and bruises on your husbands figure. It has a wonderful earthy smell and makes his skin baby soft. You’re convinced Urokodaki could make a fortune if he started advertising the mixture to women.

Though you lament your calloused hands you keep the salve closed until Giyuu offers you a robe and takes a seat. While you cover yourself he remains nude. With scrapes and bumps all over his body the robe would just become a nuisance.

“I can do it myself if you’d like.” It must be the hundredth time Tomioka has made the offer and as always you’re quick to refuse. You’re doubtful he could get all the spots necessary with just his good arm, but also because you enjoy giving back to the man. He’s given up so much of his body and mind, both to you and the world. Watching his eyes relax as you paint the ointment over his skin is a welcome sight. You focus first on the smaller wounds, scratches on his chest and back. Even with fresh scares you move lightly as to not disrupt the delicate skin as it mends itself.

Finally you move onto Giyuu’s biggest wound. The leftover stump of his arm is twisted and bumpy. You have to work carefully to cover all the dips and bumps in the skin. The green salve also helps to cover the ugly purple and blue bruising. Though the white bandaging truly cleans everything up. You wind it tightly around his bicep to put pressure on the swelling. You can tell he’s trying not to react but you notice how he breathes out carefully.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. You have to do it.” But you still notice how his shoulders relax when you pull away. You put the ointment away and help him tie the robe.

“Want me to help with your hair too?”

“I can manage.” You know his short hair is easier to sort through but you miss combing through his long locks at night. On occasion he’d even let you plait it and see the waves it formed in the morning.

“Alright.” You press a light kiss to his cheek. “I’ll get the futon all neat again. Don’t take too long.” You’re aware he’ll probably linger for a bit. You can’t remember if Tomioka seemed quite so distracted before.

Still you don’t want to be overbearing so you leave him on his own. You go back to the bedroom and fix the rumpled bedding. While Giyuu is doing whatever he pleases you tale the opportunity to claim your spot and get comfortable.

When the man joins you you’re already snuggled up and half-asleep. Though you eagerly reach for your husband as he comes into view.

“You’re always so warm.” As Giyuu climbs into bed you pull him closer and tuck yourself into the opening of his robe. Like this you can soak up the heat that seems to radiate from his skin constantly. Your cold fingers worm their way down his front to rest against his abs. You almost feel bad as his muscles stiffen in reaction to your frigid digits.

“And you’re always freezing. You need to wear your gloves more often.” He huffs in annoyance but as his arms curl around your backside you know he can’t be too mad.

You wiggle upwards to sit face to face with Tomioka. “Goodnight handsome.” You mumble the words against his lips in-between gentle kisses.

He hums a muffled reply because you’ve already gone back to hiding your face in his neck. But you’re happy to assume it’s a wonderful confession of love to give you sweet dreams before you get dragged to sleep.

—-

Giyuu hasn’t quite gotten used to normal living yet. He wakes up far too early and with nothing to do the man will either hold you until you wake, or wander around the house aimlessly. Today you’re happy to see he’s chosen the latter. It may seem contradictory, but if he stays with you then you’re slow to wake and even slower to get out of bed.

There’s also the unspoken issue of his struggle to dress himself. You’re not surprised that he isn’t used to getting dressed with only one hand available, but you are surprised that he’s so resistant to your help. Every morning you watch him struggle to button his shirt and buckle his belt. How could you not offer to help? Anytime you reach out though he seems more frustrated than relieved. Even when you don’t help it seems like he can’t bare your gentle looks.

When you find Tomioka his buttons will probably be lopsided and the loose sleeve will have gotten messy somehow but at least he won’t start the day off with a sour attitude.

So after getting ready yourself you set off to find the man. It’s warm outside so you check the engawa first, passing by the koi pond and rock garden. (Both of which you should probably take better care of. At least now you can possible pass off some of the responsibility onto Giyuu.)

He’s not outside so you check inside and then go back out when you still can’t find him. It takes too many passes in and out but finally you spot him through a clearing in the trees. Tomioka moves slowly with the bokken, repeating familiar motions. Before when you watched him train the motions were quicker. Giyuu moved before to push himself to his limits. Now the movements are more like a dance. The point of his sword traces the sky slowly.

You stop at the edge of the clearing to observe him. Your husband is shirtless which means you get the opportunity to admire his figure. Vaguely you recognize the patterns. It’s not exactly clear where one strike ends and another begins but a few unique movements break up the swinging.

He repeats the dance maybe 2 or 3 more times. Giyuu doesn’t acknowledge your presence but you’re smart enough to know that he must see you. You’re happy to stand and watch until he’s done. Hypothetically his stamina is enough to last hours but even his most intense sessions rarely last that long. After maybe 20 minutes he begins to slow down before coming to a stop. You feel like clapping but you know that’d be embarrassing for both you and him.

Tomioka comes over and leans on your shoulder. He drops the bokken and wraps a strong arm around your frame. The man is a little sweaty but you don’t mind.

“How are you today?” You can predict his answer. If he’s actually doing something with his time then it’s a good sign.

“Hungry,” He mumbles into your hair.

“Well breakfast would’ve been ready if I didn’t come searching for you.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine! You can help me now, or watch. You must be tired.”

“I’ll help.” He pulls away from you to fetch his shirt. It’s one of the few you haven’t hemmed to match his shortened arm. Before he can say anything you knot the loose fabric and fold the ends up a few times. If he really intends to help then you can’t deal with the empty sleeve dragging over the counters.

You pull back to soak in his appearance now. His shirt is a button up, a struggle with one hand but he’s managed it nicely. You tug at his collar to straighten it out.

“I buttoned it before putting it on this time.” There’s a slight shyness to his voice. His eyes look at your cheeks instead of your eyes.

A surprised laugh bubbles from your chest. “You’re so smart.” You tug him towards you for a quick kiss.

Giyuu blushes. He’s been more receptive to your words lately, at least more visible in how he reacts. It’s a shame as you had just been getting used to reading his expressions. His blush is pretty though so you can live with the difference.

You drag him indoors and direct him to start on some rice. Slowly you’ve been coaching Giyuu on how to cook food that’s flavorful and more complex but he hasn’t made too much progress yet. It’s not that he’s bad at cooking, but rather that he can only cook the same rotation of a few simple dishes over and over.

Still he manages to hold his own with the sides while you focus on grilling some fish. It’s not much a proper breakfast but Giyuu eats 3 servings if you make something lighter like porridge or pastries. You like the more savory tastings too.

With both of you working it’s a quick process after which you enjoy a quick breakfast. Tomioka doesn’t talk that much more compared to the before version of him that sticks in your mind. It’s nice, the parts of him that feel the same. The different parts are good too just strange.

“I’m feeding the koi today. That doesn’t sound like much of a chore but I like enjoying a meal out there as well.”

Giyuu nods. “I’ll join you.”

“And afterwards I want help reorganizing the guest rooms. They should be more permanent. Everyone else is settling down now too but afterwards I hope we get more visitors.”

“Like who?” He asks it like it’s an actual question.

“Urokodaki-san, Uzui-san and his wives, whoever Tanjiro-kun hangs around with.” You’ve heard stories of the redhead’s friends and you’re still not sure if you want to meet them but they are welcome anyways. “And if you try to keep anyone out then I’ll invite them myself.”

You can tell there’s a disagreement hiding in the back of his throat so instead Tomioka keeps his mouth shut and bows his head.

“And they all like you too. It’s not me they’d be coming to see.”

With that breakfast ends.

—-

The days start to move more smoothly. Giyuu figures out how to dress himself and doesn’t complain when you do step in to help. He doesn’t drop his chopsticks anymore although plenty of rice still gets stuck on his cheeks. You think his practice (maybe not practice because there’s no need for a performance now) with the bokken is helpful. You’re no expert but you can see how his balance has shifted.

You do get a few visitors too. Your parents visit once. It’s the first time they’ve been by in the year or two you’ve been together. You don’t mind the fact now that they married you off. It’s not a rare fate and things ended up better because of that anyhow. You’re still glad that they don’t stay for too long though.

The rest of your guests are livelier. Suma announces that she’s pregnant and you all celebrate over a bottle of sake. You’re not sure how the three women will share the mothering duties but Makio and Hinatsuru seem just as happy as Tengen is. At some point someone asks when it’ll be your turn and while you’re happy to laugh off the half-joke half-question Giyuu’s face turns the color of the salmon you’re sharing. Even the next day you think his cheeks are still tinted pink.

You get lots of letters from Tanjiro but it seems like his group is too busy to justify a trip. They’re only a day or so away however and a housewarming will be a great reason to visit in a month or so. Even Tomioka seems to look forward to the idea of seeing the boy.

Some people stop by as they travel. A lot of them you’re not familiar with. Mostly they’re corps members who were in the lower ranks. You know you won’t see the majority of them again but it’s nice to meet them and dine for the night. It’s a good kind of change, keeps you from getting bored, but rare enough of an occurrence that you don’t feel too on edge.

You introduce Giyuu to some of the people in the town when he starts accompanying you. It’s true that most people there are acquaintances at best but they’re kind (and of course curious). Everyone stares when he carries loads of rice in one arm. Now that he’s nearly healed it’s easy for him to show off his strength.

You track time by Giyuu’s wounds. You’re only bandaging his arm now and only because the pressure quiets the ghost pains that creep up the limb. All his skin is smooth and pale, interrupted by the occasional scar. It’s an even tone though and unmarred by any bruises or knots.

He’s somewhat adapted to the loss of his arm by now. Most things come easier now, dressing and helping with chores. Chopsticks are still a struggle and his writing is hardly any more legible but it’s slowly improving.

And it seems with how things have stabilized that Giyuu wants to try fucking you again. After your last rejection he hadn’t brought up the idea again. Kisses had stayed soft and slow, lasting only a second or two. His hand held your arm or waist but never slipped down past the small of your back.

Tonight though you can already see how forward he is. His lips meet yours already open, tongue immediately sliding into your mouth. You meet him eagerly. Your hands wrap around his neck and rub against the ends of his hair.

After only a moment he pushes further. It’s easy for Giyuu to tempt you backwards. His weight on top of you makes his boner incredibly apparent. You’re unashamed as you buck upwards, grinding against it.

Though you easily give into the way his hands dance around your waist and ass there’s hesitation when they move back up and try to peel away your kimono.

“Giyuu, do you really want this? I do but only if you’re not gonna… get frustrated.” You wince at the harsh language. You are not a statue of patience yourself.

“Do you want it?”

“Yes, A lot. I want you so badly. But I wanna do it right y’know. Or I want you to enjoy it… I dunno. I’m not good at expressing my thoughts like this.” You end with a nervous laugh that bleeds into a kiss as Giyuu tries to quiet your worries.

With nothing else to say the kisses morph into something more heated. Your hand slips into Giyuu’s hair. He keeps trying to move down to your neck or chest but you’re hesitant to let him leave your face so soon. Occasionally his eyelashes flutter against your own while his nose keeps bumping against your cheek.

Eventually you let him have his way with you. As his moves downwards you help him to slip off your simple yukata, exposing your breasts.

You didn’t mind the waiting before. There were more important things to focus on and the thought of sex faded to the background. Now all the weeks of nothing that didn’t seem to matter before are rushing in. Your body feels like it’s on fire wherever his lips move. Every touch sends waves of arousal straight to your cunt. It’s barely been five minutes and you’re chanting Giyuu’s name like you’re about to cum.

When he pulls back from your breasts his lips are soft pink and wet with drool. You pull him in for a few more kisses while he continues to fondle you. He has to practically pin you down to get away again.

The man is careful with his weight. When he needs to use his hand for something Tomioka has to shift his weight onto his legs. It lengthens things in the best (worst) of ways. Right before he pulls your fundoshi off you must wait and twitch while the man gets in a proper position. It’s even worse when his fingers trace over your abdomen so slowly. Tomioka moves his digits right around your pussy instead of over it despite how your hips jerk towards the touch. Eventually he drags your fundoshi off and throws it to the side.

With your cunt exposed you feel shy. For a long time the embarrassment of sex and nudity had gone away as it became commonplace. The way Tomioka looks at you now however is shameful. His eyes are hungry as they sink down close to your cunt.

When he moves forward his mouth is equally ravenous. His fingers have already felt how wet you are so he wastes no more time with teasing. Tomioka sinks his teeth into the meet of your cunt. While fangs pull his tongue pushes and enters your tender core. With a breathy sigh you try to relax into the sheets. Though your body continually tenses you turn your focus to the feeling of the soft futon below you. If you lean into Giyuu’s touch too much you know he’ll make you cum within minutes. This is something you want to draw out, enjoy.

The first few minutes of Tomioka eating you out are pleasant, soothing even. After attaching himself to you the man has calmed somewhat. It feels less like he’s trying to suck out your soul and more like a slow pattern of movements. His tongue spears into your cunt, moves upwards to trace around your clit, and then back down so he can press wet kisses over your hole until the cycle continues.

Eventually your grip on his hair loosens. As it stretches from ten to twenty to thirty minutes all the sensation around your pussy melts together. It’s not boring— Giyuu’s body against yours will never be —but the level of stimulation has plateaued.

“Mmm ‘Yuu baby I want you inside of me.” You drag him up by his bangs until his head pops out from between your thighs. The entire lower half of his face is shiny with slick and sweat. His lips are plump and wet.

“Can I go a little longer?” Your husband’s rough voice sends waves of arousal back through your stomach. His grip on your thigh is tight.

“Just a little ok? I won’t let you have all the fun.” You cradle his face and press a firm kiss to his lips. It tastes like salt and skin. Within a moment he dives back down.

Tomioka moves for another fives minutes or so while you pant and moan. You could fall asleep like this. When you close your eyes and the sensation radiates outward from your core it’s like your body is melting.

Eventually you convince him to surface again, this time for real. You kiss more although the taste of his mouth isn’t the most pleasant with your slick all over it.

With a few upward movements of your hips you convince him to begin bedding you properly. Tomioka has to sit back on his knees for leverage. It means you can’t kiss him anymore but thankfully you can still stare at his soft face. As he slides into you, you watch how his expression shifts. Your hips slide upwards while his hands holds onto your waist. Though it’s been a few months since he’s fucked you Giyuu’s dick slides in with little resistance. Bit by bit he thrusts forward, slowly sinking in. You keep your legs spread wide open until his hips finally press against your own.

The stretch is nearly painful as you attempt to wrap your legs around him. When he pulls back your hips get some reprieve but he quickly thrusts back in. As he finds a rhythm you can ignore the burning stretch in favor of the pleasure.

It’s hard to keep your eyes open but you don’t want to miss any moment of this. Giyuu looks like he’s doing the same. His eyes slip closed only to pop open as he bites his lip and slides deeper into you.

Your husband leans further over you to plant a hand on your side. As his face hovers over your own you jerk him closer. His pace stutters and slows but doesn’t stop. When you pull him in for a kiss Giyuu’s speed suffers again but his lips on yours is just as stimulating as his cock.

He pushes away and carefully lays his head down on your chest. You go to question him but as his hand moves from supporting himself to circling your clit all the words in your brain turn to mush.

It’s a bit awkward with his arm sandwiched between your bodies and the weight of Tomioka on you but the feeling is worth it. He gives up any leverage he has in this position so you contribute a few weak thrusts. You don’t have the same strength he does so instead you settle for grinding down on him. Though your hips groan in annoyance you wrap your legs around Giyuu’s to force them closer.

“I love you,” you pant between breathy moans. With his pelvis grinding against your clit sparks keep going off behind your eyes. You pull his head upwards to press sloppy kisses against his lips. “Are- are you gonna cum soon? G’yuu I dunno how much longer I can wait.”

“It’s ok you can cum anytime. I’ve got you.” Tomioka presses a tender kiss to your jaw, right under your ear where it tickles you in all the right ways. As his hips smack against yours everything explodes.

The only thing you can do is pant his name in between proclamations of love. Your muscles are so tight they burn but it’s worth it. With your toes curled your feet begin to cramp up.

Right when the pain begins to overtake the pleasure you fall limp. It shakes your entire body as Giyuu keeps thrusting but you’re already wrung dry. You count to ten a few times until he finally spills inside of you. When his movements end you relax into the futon. Everything hurts just a little but it’s worth it.

Your husband pulls out slowly and flops down beside you. You can barely move but you turn to face the man and plant your head over his shoulder. As your legs shift all kinds of gross fluids moisten your thighs.

“I love you… so much. You’re great.” You press light kisses on whatever skin you can reach.

“Do you want a bath?” His hand reaches up to brush hair off your forehead.

“Yea but I don’ wanna move.”

“Grab onto me and I can carry you.”

Part of you wants to point out that that still counts as moving because everything still aches but you push that part back and wrap your arms around your neck. It’s harder to get your legs in place because you can’t feel anything below your waist but eventually it happens.

Tomioka grunts as he forces himself to stand and you feel bad because he must be tired too, but by the time you open your mouth he’s already setting you down on the edge of the bathtub.

It takes too long to fill but your patience is well rewarded when you sink into warm water. Your muscles shift back into place and you regain the ability to move.

Turning around you face your husband. He has a faint tired smile that widens when you press another kiss on his lips. “I love you.” You mumble the words over and over. “You’re so- I dunno I just love you.”

“You’re tired.” He returns the kisses softly. “Should I take you back to bed?” You’ve barely washed up and there’s no way in hell you’re stepping out until you’ve scrubbed off at least 3 layers of skin.

“Give me a sec,” you groan and reach for the washcloth. Scrubbing between your legs you try to ignore the slimy feeling of whatever leaks out from your cunt. Carefully you scrub your pussy too, wincing at how tender it is. Tomioka takes the towel from you and moves even gentler. Any contact with the area is still horrible but you breathe slowly until he decides the job is done.

He does your thighs again before moving to your back. Giyuu digs his thumbs into your muscles and you have to suppress another moan. It’s like magic the way he pulls pain from your bones. Soon enough you’re letting out soft pants again but the impromptu massage lasts only another minute or two.

You swear you can hear a smile in his voice. “Is it my turn now?”

The muffled noise you make isn’t really an answer but you take the towel back. Turning towards him you run the washcloth over his pecs. In its tracks you leave more kisses. You’re sloppier in your movements than he was but to be fair you’re also falling asleep as you move. His chest makes a wonderful pillow and the water is still warm enough to be soothing.

Tomioka moves to pick you up and you make a tired noise. “Sorry sorry, are you clean enough?”

“I’m fine.”

You squirm around in his arms until you vaguely face him. “I’m so lucky to have such a strong husband.”

“Do you want to get dressed.”

“No it’s ok. We should wrap up your arm though.”

“We can do it in the morning, you’re tired.”

After a moment you pick your head up. “Not that tired.”

“It’s good to let the area get fresh air. One night will be fine.”

“Ok but don’t complain if it’s sore in the morning.”

Tomioka carries you out of the bathroom. The futon is still soaked in sweat and whatever else so while you cling to his back he throws an extra blanket on top.

Finally as he sets you down you let your eyes slip shut. As Giyuu settles beside you your arms wrap around his figure. You attempt to press a few more kisses against his lips but really it’s more like smashing your lips onto him. “Mmm, love you. Sorry for making you carry me.”

“I love you too.” The man kisses you properly. You wish you could manage to stay conscious for more than thirty minutes after sex. You want to treasure this moment. Instead you fall asleep.

Luckily the morning is slow.

#kny #demon slayer #nsft #kimetsu no yaiba #tomioka giyuu #tomioka #tomioka x reader #tomioka’s wife #reader insert #afab reader #female reader #domestic fluff #domestic life

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humbledragon669 · 6 months ago

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S1E6 – The Very Last Day of the Rest of Their Lives P3 - from Sunday (the very first day of the rest of their lives) up to the departure of Shadwell and Madame Tracy

So here we are, the last day of the storyline. I was fairly sure the phrase “this is the first day of the rest of their lives” (or variations on the theme) is commonly used at weddings to the newly married couple, so I Googled it, and aside from an awful lot of Etsy links to wedding items emblazoned with the slogan, I came across this lovely summation of the phrase’s meaning:

I mean… wow. There’s so much that I could try to unpack there and apply directly to Crowley and Aziraphale (probably more so the latter of the two), I don’t really know where to start. So maybe I won’t. Call me lazy, but this definition says everything I could ever want to say about the use of this phrase being applied to this point in the storyline, and does so very eloquently.

Alright, next observation. When we rejoin Aziraphale(/Crowley), it’s broad daylight. There are lots of people milling around. When we saw both him and Crowley last, it was fully dark. The location they were in was a rural village and they were catching a normal scheduled bus. I don’t know about you, but I’ve lived in a rural village with a scheduled bus service, and I can assure you, they do not run through the night. We also know that Tadfield is only about an hour’s drive out of London. All of this means we have a period of time unaccounted for. I know that we will later come to discover that they have performed the body switch during this time, but we also know, from the switch reversion we see in the park, that it takes mere seconds to do. Given that the previous conversation between the two of them involved an invitation from Crowley for Aziraphale to stay at his place, I think it’s probably reasonable to assume that this is exactly what has happened. As a reminder, and because I actually haven’t brought it up for a while, my head canon is that they are already romantically involved as a couple at this point, so let me just say that a little louder to try and convey my excitement about this.

WE KNOW AZIRAPHALE STAYED THE NIGHT AT CROWLEY’S! HE STAYED OVER! AT CROWLEY’S FLAT! THEY DEFINITELY, 100%, SPENT THE NIGHT TOGETHER!

I know, I know, they could have just carried on drinking and chatting shit like we saw them doing in episode 1. But that is definitely not what happens in my head. This pair have a lot of making up to do. Also, this is my blog and my head canon. So there.

Ahem. Right. Now that’s out of the way, let’s take a moment to give praise where it’s due to Michael and David in these body switch scenes. The differences in their respective characters are noticeable but subtle. You could genuinely believe that Aziraphale and Crowley are actually Aziraphale and Crowley if you weren’t fully paying attention, which I suspect most of us weren’t the first time we watched the show, which is (yet another) indicator of what incredibly talented actors they are. I think it’s more obvious that Crowley isn’t really who he appears to be, but that’s not to do with the acting – it's the tartan collar and the fact that he doesn’t get into the Bentley. I think we all know Crowley would never get into a taxi when his beloved car was right there (especially when he thought it was lost forever), which he looks pleased to see but not overjoyed. This is a parallel of Aziraphale’s reaction to the bookshop he thought had burned to the ground – it’s unexpectedly reserved, almost assessing.

I’m actually a little bit sad that we didn’t get to see the real Aziraphale going back to his shop to find it back in one piece – I have a suspicion that would have been one absolutely ecstatic angel. Instead we see an uncharacteristically stoic reaction throughout the evaluation of the building. What is really telling is that Crowley (as Aziraphale) knows the inside of the bookshop well enough to be able to pick out a new set of books that weren’t there previously, which is a pretty clear indication as to how much time he spends there. The final Clue we’re given that Aziraphale isn’t really Aziraphale comes in the only line of dialogue we hear in this section. It’s brief:

Let’s set aside, just for a moment, the fact that the wording is rather un-Aziraphale-like (I don’t think he would liaise those words together: “Those are new”), and that the simple brevity of the sentence is similarly uncharacteristic, and even that there are no typical flustery hand gestures that we would typically associate with an excited angel. What really drives this Clue home, for me at least, is the entire pitch of Aziraphale’s voice is considerably lower than we are used to. Much closer to Crowley’s pitch in fact. It’s subtle, partly because the line is short, and there’s another ever-so-subtle difference in (Aziraphale as) Crowley’s gait when he walks to the taxi – it’s missing a bit of that typical Crowley swagger. Those tiny differences go to show how well Michael and David know each other that they can replicate mannerisms of a character that the other one plays so accurately, and I think we would all agree that without that chemistry this show really wouldn’t be what it is. Thanks guys, and fucking brilliant work.

Easter egg time: the “Just William” books that have manifested in the bookshop appear to be a duplicate of the same set of books on the bookshelf in Adam’s bedroom, which (considering Adam is responsible for the bookshop’s restoration) might explain how they ended up in the bookshop.

There’s a bit of dialogue in the scene with Anathema and Newt that suggests something that really is only hinted at in the series: that the people involved in the events of the day before don’t really remember them very clearly.

ANATHEMA: Did we save the world yesterday? NEWT: I don’t know.

This concept is made clearer in the book, with most people finding it difficult to believe that it is in fact Sunday, because they don’t really remember their Saturday at all.

Just in case you weren’t aware, the piece of music that the brass band is playing in St. James’s Park is actually another Queen song called “Lazing on a Sunday Afternoon”, which is a lovely little double-edged Easter egg (it being Queen and the story actually taking place on a Sunday at this point). And if you’re me (which, last I checked, I was), there’s an extra bit of excitement to be had in the lyrics of this song. You see, it’s my head canon that Crowley and Aziraphale actually get married on this particular Sunday, after the lunch at the Ritz. So imagine the squeal of delight that issued forth from my mouth when I read references to proposing and going on honeymoon in the lyrics. I mean, they don’t fit perfectly but hey, the song was written 15 years before the book – not everything can be so serendipitous.

Now, I love the fact that Aziraphale (as Crowley) orders the real Crowley an ice cream without hesitation as much as the next person. It really does show how much time they spend together.

My question is this: is the ice cream the personal preference of Aziraphale’s body’s physical taste buds, or Crowley’s mental personal preference? I can understand that might look a little complicated, so let me ask the question a different way: when Aziraphale and Crowley are in their own bodies, which one favours the ice cream, and which one the strawberry lolly? The answer doesn’t really matter, I just felt like it was a bit of a brain twister. Philosophical questions about body switches aside, the conversation here has a few more Clues peppered around for us to spot. As with (Crowley as) Aziraphale’s voice in the bookshop, (Aziraphale as) Crowley’s voice, at times, is subtly higher-pitched than we are used to, and his words more articulated. There’s also the fact that, when we first see the pair together again, Crowley (as Aziraphale) has taken up his usual position on (Crowley as) Aziraphale’s left.

It looks unnatural because we’re so used to seeing them the other way around. Crowley (as Aziraphale) does remedy the situation, and I’m sure it must be a conscious decision, because I’m also sure standing on the right side of Aziraphale would feel very unnatural for him. In fact, I not only think it’s a conscious decision, I think Aziraphale (as Crowley) signals to him that he’s on the wrong side. It’s tiny, and you could mistake it for a literal tongue-in-cheek moment when he asks about the bookshop, but it’s followed by a covert flick of the eyes to the right from Crowley (as Aziraphale), just before he moves casually to the other side.

Can we say non-verbal communication? We know very well that’s a running theme in the show. And all of these subtle Clues as so easy to miss because the whole conversation is so cautious, spoken low so we have to concentrate on hearing what they’re saying, distracting us from the things that would give the game away. Which includes the fact that both of them ask after the singular material object that matters most to them, despite the fact that the one asking about it isn’t the one it matters to (jeez, this is getting really confusing, isn’t it?). They manage to pass it off as casual conversation in their conspiratorial tones, but in fact it’s a plea for information. The final Clue comes to us in (Aziraphale as) Crowley’s use of the phrase “tickety-boo”, which should be a glaring indicator that the being on the floor is not who he pretends to be. We certainly never hear Crowley use this phrase, and he himself pointed out that it’s unusual even for Aziraphale to use it unless something isn’t right, but we can dismiss it as the ramblings of somebody who has just been hit very hard over the head with a crowbar, something that the warped rendition of the brass band in the soundtrack tells us is highly likely.

Side note: there is obviously another Sound of Music reference here in the departing words of the kidnappers. These references have previously been used to indicate an association with bad things happening that have been caused by Heavenly involvement. And as a personal side note, I was clearly delighted at myself when I wrote the words “it’s a bad omen” on my notes about this particular point because I wrote it in capital letters with a smiley face at the end. What. A. Saddo.

Let’s talk briefly about the face (Crowley as) Aziraphale pulls when Gabriel teases him about what they have planned for him.

I love this expression because it carries subtext on a couple of different levels. If you’re of the belief that this is really Aziraphale in the chair (which I think most of us would have been on first watch), it appears knowingly sarcastic, along the lines of “I sincerely doubt I’m going to enjoy any of this”, but if you’re already in the know about this really being Crowley, the subtext is more along the lines of “I really did see this coming, that’s why I’m not really Aziraphale, you slimy turd”. And the genius thing about the way that Michael plays it is that this singular expression fits either one of those possibilities perfectly.

Little side note: “wank wings” is my absolute favourite insult used in the entirety of this series, hands down. Also, a little question: if a tiny dribble of holy water is enough to completely obliviate a demon (see Ligur’s demise), why was it necessary for Michael to fill a bath with the stuff? The only obvious reason I can think of is so that we get to see (Aziraphale as) Crowley wearing his socks whilst in the bath and asking for a rubber duck, and to be honest if that’s the sole reason, I’m good with that.

Tiny possible Easter egg: Michael’s response to (Aziraphale as) Crowley’s comment about the liquid being holy water is the same as Aziraphale’s own response when asked what the contents of the flask were in 1967:

The holiest.

It was only whilst rewatching this episode for these write ups that I realised that the snarky comment from (Aziraphale as) Crowley wasn’t just there for comedy or for him to give his persecutors a bit of cheek.

This is a new jacket, and I’d hate to ruin it.

Which it sort of is, it having a tartan collar at Aziraphale’s liking. I don’t think this is a coincidence, not least because the original script line is “this is a new suit”, but also because we know from episode 2 that Aziraphale has a bit of a soft spot about jackets.

Hold on a minute, just hold on one bloody minute. What the hell is this noise?

I only heard it by chance when I was trying to clip something else. Do you hear it? It’s pretty subtle (not to mention short) so I turned the recording levels on the clip up. For context, this is right before he asks if it’s ok for him to take his jacket off. There’s the rising sound of a choir singing in an open vowel sound that ends abruptly with a little “ting” noise. I think it sounds an awful lot like one of the collection of sounds we’ve been introduced to that signify that a miracle has just performed. And if that’s true, what miracle has just been performed and by who? This one will genuinely keep me awake tonight…

Back on Earth, we see Shadwell reading a book which appears to be about psychic phenomena and demonology, complete with a very accurate rendition of the demon that was just destroyed in the bath of holy water. Presumably his choice of literature has been influenced by the events of the previous 24 hours. Somebody has made some sort of notes or markings on the adjacent pages, but unfortunately I cannot make out what they are. He’s also listening to “Jerusalem” again (as he was in episode 4), which makes me wonder if he has any other music other than that in the apartment at all.

There are two things in the text that I find interesting, one of which is more of an Easter egg. It’s very difficult to see because the writing is so small, but there is a reference to the author of the New Aquarian publication that Anathema and Adam so adore:

The other lies in the following passage of text:

...if communication with those who have been possessed or passed into the unseen be possible, why should it be necessary to have a connecting link in a so-called medium or demon hunter, especially a perfect stranger and of other order of mind? Surely our loved ones who have recently entered the spiritual world would try to communicate directly with them dearest to them: a father or mother would be more likely to be sensitive to the spiritual presence of their beloved child that an uncongenial stranger.

This feels like it might be a reference to Aziraphale’s actions after he was discoporated – he returned to the being dearest to him knowing that he would be more likely to sense his presence. If this is the case and this was purposeful, I am once again struck by the incredible attention to detail on display. It makes it so obvious that this was a show loved by everybody involved in its creation, and they have every right to be proud of their achievements.

There’s quite a lot to cover about Shadwell and Madame Tracy’s relationship in the remaining 20 minutes of the episode so it’s nice to see that there’s no time wasted in reminding the audience that they have been living an odd sort of joint existence for a while (not actually that dissimilar to our hero pair really) – his insistence that she leave the plate outside the door speaks volumes about this not only being a regular occurrence, but that this arrangement (no pun intended) is one that both parties are comfortable with. And let’s just take a moment to appreciate how smitten Shadwell is when he sees Madame Tracy at the door. It’s especially lovely because the outfit she’s wearing is deliberately plain and unflattering, yet seems to be of immense pleasure to him.

And just as a quick side note, I LOVE that shot from above of Shadwell leaving his own apartment and entering Madame Tracy’s. There’s something about it that’s so slick, and it feels like we’re being shown that the barriers between this couple were all of Shadwell’s own making because the walls and doors are so easy to traverse.

Do we think there’s something of an ironic anti-racism/anti-xenophobia joke in the little exchange between Baddicombe and Newt? I do not wish to cause offence to anybody, so I will try and demonstrate the point I’m trying to make with the following clip instead (which, very appropriately, the actor who plays Baddicombe is actually in):

youtube

Possible Easter egg: the year that the law firm that Baddicombe works for was established in 1692, the year that the Salem witch trials began in Massachusetts.

The next scene is the last we see of Shadwell and Madame Tracy (at least for this season, who’s to say they won’t be back in season 3?), and sadly I don’t have much to say about it other than this is the only time we ever hear Shadwell being honest about the size of the Witchfinder Army. I don’t think he’s ever lied to himself about the fact, but he’s certainly not been telling the truth to other people.

This part has gone on for quite a bit (surprise miracle noise can take part of the blame for that one), so I feel like the last sighting of a pair of characters might be a convenient place to wrap this part up. Bye (for now) Shadwell! Bye (for now) Madame Tracy! As always, questions, comments, discussion: always welcome. See you for the next one 😊

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agendabymooner · 1 year ago

Text

cinema ! max v. x ofc (hearth sister!ofc) — mdni

“it’s you. don’t know why but it feels so right for me.”

summary: a breakup can lead to a loss of a part of one’s identity, and sylvie and max were alright with that. (1)(2)(3)(4)

content warning: use of explicit language, mention of mental health issues and lack of sleeping, light smut/suggestive content (i can’t write for shit), mentions of loss of virginity, mention of past!ofc x the weeknd (toxic breakup, cheating storyline), chatfic + fic, mature content under the cut MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

note: yo girl is going to the 2024 canadian gp 😩 there will also be a charles leclerc piece otw but i just need to put out my cracked out thoughts into it. also, i can’t write smut so there will not be any extremely graphic details in this chapter. this doesn't mean that i am encouraging people to read it at their own risk so MINORS DNI :)

masterlist

september 2016

Everyone in the Red Bull area knew the reason why Sylvie was often found crying in Daniel Ricciardo’s drivers room during her breaks. Well, everyone but Sylvie. She lived to blame herself for the downfall of what she thought was a great relationship.

They were reaching the sixth month and if it hadn’t been for Abel’s cheating, then maybe— MAYBE Sylvie would continue to pursue what she had with him.

Everyone thought Abel was a fool. Sylvie hadn’t done anything but be a good person, a loyal girlfriend. Why did he let another woman warm the bed that they shared?

Because she spent more time with Max than she had with him. That’s what he said. When she found him in his flat and asked what the hell was going on, Abel yelled at her for not going home. He screamed that she was doing it first with her “fucking best friend.” He didn’t even know the rough past between the two; he only knew Max’s name and had seen their childhood photos. So much for someone who had been dating her for five months.

Instead of fighting back, she cried. Her feet stood there as her sobs became a plea to let her inside once he kicked her out. She looked so pathetic.

It didn’t stop her from working, though, and Christian Horner couldn’t be more wrong when he previously said that she wasn’t emotionally prepared for work.

Her work kept her mind occupied throughout the Hungary race. From sending emails back and forth with her model agency to attending sponsor dinners, her mind never stopped running until she was able to get some sleep.

Because truthfully, she really wasn’t able to sleep. She only relied on chamomile tea then pretended that she was refreshed from the night before.

Her family had tried to get some word out of her about the break up, but she refused to say anymore. Toto did say that Abel had a bad aura within him, yet Sylvie knew that her in-law wasn’t about to tell her that “I told you so.” Stevie definitely called Abel out on his bullshit one night when she came across him at a bar in LA. Tilly merely comforted her without a word. Other than that, Sylvie never said anything about it— her eyes were focused on the racing team and the drivers.

The night before the race, she found Max standing in front of her hotel room. Her bloodshot eyes were evidence of her sadness and exhaustion, but it wasn’t as if she could easily close the door on him to hide it away. He was persistent and would most likely bring Lando here if it means that he would be able to get in.

The Dutchman stood there with a tray of macarons and another tray with cups of tea. “Chamomile,” it said on both tea bags. His accent was laced with concern as he spoke, “I know you haven’t had the greatest weekend yet. I had to beg my PR manager to find me a pastry shop for these.”

And so they sat on the love seat quietly, Easy A playing on the television while they both munched on the last two strawberry macaroons and sipped on their tea.

“He blamed me, you know?” Sylvie chuckled bitterly, her eyes still trained on Emma Stone’s makeover scene as the character continued ripping fabrics off in rage. I should do that, she told herself. She could see in her peripheral vision that Max looked at her, leaving her to say, “Said I spent too much time with you. That I slept with you first.”

“Blue—“ Max tried to speak, but she continued regardless.

“Which is kind of rich of him,” Sylvie shook her head, reaching out on the tray to eat the matcha flavoured macaron next. She bit on it and said, “Considering that I never had slept with anyone I spend my time with. Let alone sleep with anyone.”

“I don’t recall sleeping with anyone, too,” Max made things lighter as he joked, “I would have remembered otherwise.”

“Man,” Sylvie sighed and slumped against the loveseat, “had I known that men would be like that, then I would’ve ditched him immediately.”

Sylvie knew that whatever she did with Max the moment he came inside the hotel room made her realize her worth. What was it about her childhood friend that made her think the other way?

Everyone did say they were connected one way or another. She didn’t know how and he didn’t know either; but everyone insisted they were soulmates. One soul in two different bodies. She knew him as much as he knew her. She always had similar thoughts and feelings shared with him, and not once did he ever go against that idea. He pushed her, in fact.

“Not men,” Max laughed quietly, “boys. Men learn. Boys are still in the process of doing so.”

“Didn’t you just hit puberty two months ago?” She joked.

“Didn’t you?” He bit back with a smile.

She laughed along, shaking her head once more. They fell silent as Sylvie stared at his eyes. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen it up close. But god, they sure looked prettier than they did before Abel had broken up with her.

“Would it be,” she stammered, leaving the man next to him scowling as he goaded her into speaking. She cleared her throat and sighed. “Would it be okay to ask… if I can… ah, shit. Never mind. It sounds bollocks if I continue on.”

“We don’t hide things anymore, Mustang,” he teased her, “remember? We agreed on it.”

“So if I were to ask if you want to… do… it…”

Now he was rendered silent. She wanted the world to swallow her the moment she found him staring at her. He was frozen, and she felt her body burning in embarrassment as she wished to leave the place. This was her bloody room, she couldn’t get out of here.

“I- I-“ he stuttered, his cheeks heating up as he asked, “You want to do it?”

“I’ve always wondered what it's like,” she murmured quietly. “I tried imagining doing it with him but… he never seemed to have that kind of intention to… I don’t know… pay attention to my wants.”

“Pretty foolish of that dickhead,” Max scoffed. “If he only wants to use you, then it’s a great thing that you knew better than that.”

“But seriously—“ he continued, “Sylvie, look at me in the eyes and tell me you want me to do it with you.”

“I do,” she admitted meekly, staring at him while she said so before she turned away. “I don’t think I can do it with someone else. If they’re the same as him then I don’t know… and you’re not him or anyone. So…”

“Okay,” he nodded understandingly. He backed away for a second before catching his breath and murmured, “Okay… I’ll make sure you and I aren’t hurt. And- and, I’ll make sure you have the best time.”

And the best time, it was. It was the first time Sylvie slept in a few days. It was also the first time she shared an intimate moment with someone. Someone being Max Emilian Verstappen.

Anyone experienced with two eyes would point out that everything that happened was done rather clumsily. It probably didn’t help that Max had to trip and knock on Dan’s door to ask for a condom, but it was better to be embarrassed than sorry, he supposed.

Sylvie could remember herself wiping the smudged mascara off her face and removing her top to put on the black corset top that she had on her suitcase, keeping her black wide legged sweatpants on while he went out to “say hi to Dan for a minute.” She didn’t need to put on a makeup. It wasn’t really that special, was it? No. It certainly was, she just didn’t want to spook Max especially when his eyes widened just as he walked in on her putting on a lip balm with nothing but her bra and sweatpants on.

He couldn’t deny anything that night, especially to himself. The moment his tongue swiped over her lips, he nearly groaned in satisfaction at the minty flavour of her chapstick. A hint of strawberry came with it, finding himself caging her against the marble sink as she desperately held him… by the arms and his mouth.

Both of them were clueless, not knowing how to maneuver around one another the moment Max settled her down to her (upgraded) king-sized bed. For a moment, he wondered how she had managed to get herself a large room — knowing that the hotel room booked for him and Danny were smaller than hers — but her wandering hands sent his thoughts away when her palm landed on his sweatpants, eliciting a sigh from him.

Too many questions of, “Is this okay” and “are you alright” were exchanged— both of them unsure if either of them were comfortable or smart enough to be doing this. But one thing that they knew for sure was they wouldn’t be able to forget that night. It wasn’t the just pleasure that made it too memorable— but rather their experience with one another that made it too… good to forget. Sylvie and Max could care less about reaching the highs and lows when all they could think about was that they’ve done it with one another.

She could remember waking up to him kissing her forehead as he spoke in Dutch, telling her that they would talk sometime during the day before he left the room. She pretended to be asleep, but the whisper of his voice made her heart beat faster as if he hadn’t just called her love.

For someone who “hated” Max, Sylvie trusted him for taking a part of her and allowed him to ruin other men for her. She was sure that Max was her standard now. She couldn’t imagine doing the most intimate things with someone who didn’t have the same values and personality as him.

God, Max ruined her. But it wasn’t as if Sylvie was complaining about it. She embraced that idea, in fact.

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monsta-x-jagi · 3 months ago

Text

Crown and Chrome - Chapter 5

Synopsis: You finally find out why Kihyun left you

Word count: 5k

Triggers: none

Author’s Note: I am sorry I had to make Jongho the villain

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Past

As your university semester drew nearer, the number of worries you had about the future began escalating. Kihyun could see it on your face every time you grew quiet and turned your gaze downward as if you literally didn’t want to see what was lying ahead of you.

Today, Kihyun had taken you shopping at your favourite mall. This mall included a number of high end stores, and with you being you, it was a given that you would always be more comfortable spending money than Kihyun, so you usually didn't ask him to accompany you. Hence why today, you were surprised when Kihyun called in the morning and told you to get ready to go shopping.

So now here you were, trying on what’s probably the 6th dress in the newest release of designs while Kihyun sat on a couch and waited for you to show your outfit. Kihyun liked to think he had the patience of a saint, but he had come here with a plan today. There was a store he wanted to take you to and he wanted to get there before the end of the day.

Finally, you came out of the dressing room with all the outfits you tried. “I don’t know which one I should get,” you said with a frown.

Kihyun chuckled and shook his head. “I know even if you don’t buy it today, you’re going to go home and order it, or just wait until next weekend to come here again. Just buy all of it.”

Satisfied with his response, you paid for all your items and asked the store to deliver them to your house since the bags would never fit on Kihyun’s bike. Then you left the store with Kihyun, holding his arm as he steered you to the store he had in mind.

“You know, when I get my first car, we’ll finally be able to bring our shopping home,” you mused.

Kihyun tapped your nose. “I think you mean your shopping, princess. Anyway, we’re here.”

Kihyun took you into a high end jewellery store, heading straight for the counter. This was unlike him, he didn’t wear a lot of jewellery. Kihyun walked up to the very tall young man at the counter and explained he was there to pick up an order.

The man looked up, flicked his gaze between Kihyun and you, and his features contorted to shock when he saw you. “Miss y/n, is that you? It’s been a long time!”

Kihyun looked at you confused. You laughed and patted his arm before replying to the man, “Yeah it has been, Yunho, I didn’t have any events the last few months.”

“So I take it the order is for you then?” Yunho asked looking between you and Kihyun.

Kihyun cast a desperate look at Yunho. You were not meant to know about this until next weekend when you leave for university.

But to your credit, you laughed it off and told Yunho, “No, it’s my boyfriend’s order.” You leaned your head down on Kihyun’s shoulder and smiled brightly.

Yunho’s lips curled into a teasing smile. “Boyfriend huh? Cute, very cute.” Yunho spoke while shuffling behind the counter to grab Kihyun’s order. “Does your family know yet?”

Kihyun felt your grip on his arm tighten. He didn’t need to look at you to know your jaw was tensed as you spoke. “Uhh no, they haven’t met.”

Yunho slid a small bag across the counter with a sad smile. “Perhaps it’s for the best, eh?”

“Well I mean, didn’t your parents accept your decisions finally?” You offered weakly.

“Oh y/n,” Yunho said. “I chose to become a jewellery designer instead of a doctor. Being around diamonds and being with a diamond in the rough are two very different things.”

Later that night, as you and Kihyun were lying in bed at his house, Kihyun continued thinking about what Yunho said. He stared at the ceiling, one hand behind his head and the other drawing patterns on your back while you lay your head on his chest. Speaking more to the room than you, he asked, “Are you happy with me, y/n?”

You lifted your face up from his chest and answered quickly with no hesitation. “Of course I am. Why would I not be?” You furrowed your brows as you scanned his face. “Where is this coming from, baby?”

“Nothing,” Kihyun mumbled without meeting your eyes.

You drew yourself up onto your elbows and crawled up higher so you and Kihyun could be face to face. “Does my family bother you?”

“What? No,” Kihyun replied.

You smiled softly down at him as you brushed some hair off his forehead. “You’re not very convincing… but tell me this. Have you ever seen my parents in the house? Have you ever seen me interact with either of them?”

“No…” Kihyun answered slowly.

“Exactly. They don’t pay that much attention to me. But you on the other hand,” you paused to kiss his forehead, “give me all the attention I want, and I couldn’t be happier.”

Kihyun smiled and picked up your hand from his hair to kiss it and held it above his heart. He then said, “I am glad you feel that way y/n. I want to be able to make you happy. Every single day.”

“And you do. You make sure I eat, you reassure me when I am studying and can’t understand something. Plus you always turn up for all the boring errands I have to run. I don’t think there’s much else I could ask for,” you said while your fingers drummed against his chest soothingly.

You scooted back down to lie on his chest and continued your explanation. “Above all else, you make me feel protected.”

“Um princess, just because I am a biker, doesn’t mean I fight like one,” Kihyun replied.

You smacked his chest lightly. “You know that’s not what I mean. Besides, wasn’t it you who said I have absolutely no regard for my physical safety?”

“Babe, I think everyone who has ever met you would say the same,” Kihyun teased.

“Yeah ok fine.” You rolled your eyes. “But what I meant is that I feel like nothing bad could happen to me when I'm with you. And if something has gone wrong, being with you just makes everything better. It’s like you keep me away from all the bad things in my life.”

Kihyun ran his fingers through your hair while he worked through his thoughts out loud. “I don’t think I deserve praise like that. I don’t even know if I deserve to be with you.”

You buried your face into the crook of his neck. “Don’t say that. I don’t need you to give me everything in life. I just need you to keep loving me.”

The Present

Minhyuk, San and Wooyoung were all seated on the couches in the CEO’s office now. So far, you had explained all the good things that ever happened with Kihyun.

“So he was your first love then?” Minhyuk asked.

“More like her only love,” Wooyoung retorted.

“No, she actually had a pretty good run with Jongho. Her mother even started telling her to invite him on vacations,” Minhyuk explained.

Wooyoung rubbed his hands together. “Man that dinner with the navy is going to be good. Kihyun and Jongho going toe to toe…”

San smacked Wooyoung’s shoulder. “Bro she’s still your CEO, don’t say shit like that.”

Minhyuk ignored the two and asked you, “So how did you and Kihyun end things? We know it wasn’t on good terms but what happened?”

“He left me. Simple as,” you replied with a shrug.

“Left you? What, were you two married or something?” Wooyoung asked giggling.

“No, he just stopped talking to me one day,” you replied.

“Damn. That is cold. And low,” San said.

“No wonder you can’t even look at him during our meetings now,” Wooyoung said.

Minhyuk nodded along and added, “Glad someone else noticed.”

Everyone was quiet for a minute, until San said, “You should wear your sapphire earrings tonight and mess with his head, especially after what Wooyoung pulled in the elevator.”

The other two men turned to you for an explanation.

The Past

The night before your first classes, you and Kihyun were at his loft, spooning on his bed.

“I can’t take you to your first class tomorrow morning, but I know you’re going to do fine,” Kihyun said.

“I hope you’re right. But hey at least I studied over the holidays right?” You said.

Kihyun placed a couple kisses along your shoulder. “Honey, you know you didn’t have to do that. At this rate, you’re going to be able to write your exam with your eyes closed.”

You turned around in his arms to face him. Kihyun’s gentle, content smile faded when you pouted and asked, “What if you forget me while I am gone?”

Kihyun tucked a piece of your hair behind your ear. “Princess, why would you think that?”

“Because you’ll keep working and racing, but I am going to study. You’re going to live your life independently, while I intern at my parents’ company,” you replied.

“But there's nothing bad with that, is there?” Kihyun asked. “You know you can come to my warehouse any time, except…”

“Except when I have class, I know,” you sighed.

Kihyun chuckled and continued. “If I am free, I can take you to class, or pick you up after? We can still do everything we’ve done all summer.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” you said a little dejectedly and nuzzled your face into Kihyun’s chest.

Kihyun ran his fingers through your hair. “Don’t fall asleep baby. I still need to take you home.”

You whined and wriggled in his hold. “Can’t we just stay like this?”

“Alright. Just a little longer then, my love,” Kihyun said and pulled you in tighter.

When Kihyun did take you home, the time you spent saying goodbye outside your house was longer than the ride there. You were sitting sideways on his parked motorbike as he braced his hands on either side of your hips. You looped your hands around his shoulders, content to just stare at his beautiful face.

“I can see your roots now,” you giggled when you saw the streetlight fall on Kihyun’s hair.

“Mmm, remember that time you tried to dye it for me and got Cheeto fingers?” Kihyun grinned.

“I can’t believe you wanted a photo of me like that,” you said, smiling while looking down at your feet.

Kihyun placed his hands on your waist and said, “Hop down for me.” Once you did, he reached behind you to open the under-seat compartment of his motorcycle and took out a photo album. “This is for you.”

Curious, you took the album and started flicking through it. Pictures of you filled the pages, including the one of you with Cheeto fingers. Eventually the pages turned blank.

As if reading your mind, Kihyun said, “I left that section blank so you could add your favourite photos. Do you like it?”

“Kihyun… this is…” you gasped, struggling with your words. “Just… come here.”

You hooked your hand behind his neck and pulled his lips down to yours. As you sucked on his lower lip, he pushed his hips toward yours to hold you against his motorcycle. He leaned down further into the kiss, causing you to momentarily lose your footing. Your little surprised squeak was lost within the kiss as Kihyun entered his tongue into your mouth and made slow movements along the inside of your lips while you arched your back and practically clung to his shoulders.

When you both broke apart, breathless with puffy lips, Kihyun traced your cheekbone and the shell of your ear with his hand, his thumb finally reaching the little pearl earrings you were wearing.

“Pretty,” he breathed as he played with them. “There’s something for you at the end of the album.”

You opened the album again, leaning it against Kihyun’s chest while you flicked to the back. There was a thick envelope attached. Opening it, you found a pair of earrings with teardrop shaped blue stones.

“Will you put them on for me princess?” Kihyun asked as he tried to peer down at your face to gauge your reaction.

You nodded, and pulled out the little card the earrings were attached to.

“Can I take these off you?” Kihyun asked as he lifted his fingers to your pearl earrings.

“Okay.”

Kihyun gently pulled the clasp off each, and tucked the earring into his palm before fitting your new ones on you. When he was done, he scanned your face, admiring your new look. “You look amazing, just like always.”

When Kihyun took your hand to place your old earrings in them, you stopped him. “Keep it. Get Yunho to make them into cufflinks or something.”

The Present

As you got ready for the dinner, you thought over San’s suggestion. Eventually, you gave in and removed your diamond hoops to slide on Kihyun’s sapphire drop earrings before driving your car to the restaurant. The other executives were already waiting at the restaurant for you when you arrived.

Minhyuk waved you over once he saw you. “Miss y/n, you changed your earrings,” he said with a coy smile.

You smiled at the ground and nodded. Leave it to Minhyuk to cause just the right amount of chaos.

“Whoever picked them had a good eye eh?” Minhyuk said, glancing at Kihyun.

Kihyun’s eyes locked with yours at that moment, both of you searching each other’s faces for a reaction that neither of you were willing to give. Kihyun looked away first, and played with the cufflinks of his suit jacket.

“Shall we go in then, Miss y/n?” Kihyun asked and you nodded.

Kihyun walked beside you, looking straight ahead as he led you and the other executives through to the restaurant.. It was the closest you’d stood to him in a long time, so you took the opportunity to give him a sidelong glance and take in his features. Simply put, you were staring, until you eventually got lost in his beauty.

“You look good, y/n.” Kihyun whispered, more to himself than you.

“Hmm what huh?” You blinked, your reverie disrupted when you saw Kihyun speak but didn’t quite catch his words.

Kihyun turned, scanned your face for a few seconds, then smiled. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

He pushed open the door to a private room at the restaurant where the navy officers were already waiting, seated at the table. You immediately recognised Jongho but found another familiar face beside him.

“I.M.?” You gasped to yourself.

Changkyun stood up and walked around the table to you. “Yes noona, it’s me. Technically, it’s Commodore Im now, but you can call me Changkyun. IM was just my racing name.”

“I had no idea you went into the navy! And you’re an officer now? That’s amazing,” you gushed, happy to see a familiar face.

Behind you, Hoseok said to Kihyun, “Looks like your friend is hers now. She really does know everyone who is a someone.”

Kihyun clenched his jaw, but nodded. It’s not like he was worried Changkyun was flirting with you, but the fact that you were gushing over someone from your racing past while acting like you didn’t even remember Kihyun when he first saw you, was irking him off. He walked up to you and Changkyun and touched your arm to get your attention.

Noticing Kihyun’s hand on your arm, Changkyun said, “Hyung, I didn’t know you got back together with noona.”

Instead of saying what he needed to, you and Kihyun sprang apart with his hand jolting off your arm. You knew Jongho at the table saw that. As did the rest of your executive team. You cleared your throat and spoke first, trying to reduce the awkward tension. “We’re not. He’s my investment director.”

“And she’s here on business today. Call her Miss y/n,” Kihyun told Changkyun, his voice growing steadily colder as he held Changkyun’s gaze.

You left Kihyun and Chankgyun to stare down at each other, moved toward the table and pulled out the chair at the middle to sit down. Your executive team followed suit and filled in the spaces beside you. Once they were comfortable, you turned to Minhyuk on your right. “Can you get things started?”

So Minhyuk opened a portfolio and took the navy officers through the architecture department’s designs. Hoseok stepped in each time a question was asked so Minhyuk wouldn’t have to lose his train of thought. The cost related questions were always directed to Kihyun. Hyunwoo and you sat observing it all. Finally, Minhyuk closed his portfolio and looked to you. It was your turn to grill the officers.

And usually, you would go about this in a calm, professional manner, but today, that was proving to be difficult.

“In order to proceed, my firm will need confirmation on by the end of the week,” you stated.

“And you’ll get it,” Jongho said without looking up from his notepad. You noted his insignia was that of a lieutenant.

You pursed your lips. “That didn’t sound reassuring,” you accidentally muttered out loud.

Thankfully (or not), Kihyun heard you and told Jongho, “MX can scrap the tender if we don’t receive confirmation.”

Jongho scoffed and pointed at you with his pen. “No you won’t. That one could never pass up a good deal.”

Your executives could sense the tension. Hyunwoo’s jaw was clenched, Kihyun’s eyes were narrowed and Hoseok was rubbing his knuckles together. Beside you, Minhyuk scrawled something on a sticky note and slid it over to you: stay calm, we’ll handle it. You looked between your executive team and nodded.

“MX has always made the most of resources its been given. Surely you can’t blame us for that,” Hyunwoo began, diplomatically.

“If you’re such a successful company, why would you need a government contract?” Another officer asked. His insignia said he was a commander.

You knew that question was intended for you as the CEO. The answer was simple: profit. But what’s a tactful way to say “military contracts pay big bucks?”

You opened your mouth to speak but Minhyuk tapped your wrist. Wait, he was silently telling you.

Just then, Hoseok stepped in. “MX is looking to expand the range of projects it takes on. Our portfolio is currently very heavy on commercial property.”

“Think of it as a defensive portfolio,” Minhyuk added, ever the mood-maker.

Kihyun rolled his eyes at the pun. Changkyun watched as you stifled a giggle and smirked, looking between you and Kihyun.

He then leaned down the table and asked, “Commander, is your question satisfied?”

“Yes, Commodore,” the lower ranked commander responded.

“Any more questions?”

“Yes, actually,” Jongho said, licking his lips as he spoke. “How does our y/n plan to handle any personal conflicts of interest during this project?”

“Excuse me?” Kihyun hissed, cocking his head. Minhyuk and Hoseok exchanged a worried glance.

You exhaled sharply through your nose and asked. “Is there a conflict of interest you’d like to expand on, Lieutenant? Or perhaps the Commodore?” You asked, looking between Jongho and his superior, Changkyun.

“I see no conflicts,” Changkyun shrugged.

“Commodore, are you aware the CEO of this firm has had two personal relationships with people on this table?” Jongho asked.

Now Changkyun looked confused. Two? Changkyun only knew of Kihyun.

Hyunwoo cleared his throat, hoping to be the peacemaker. “Miss y/n has many close relationships with industry figures. Its simply a byproduct of her schooling.”

“Oh y/n, how many men did you go through?” Jongho shook his head and cackled to himself.

“Lieutenant,” Changkyun warned. “This matter is not relevant.” He bowed his head to you. “I deeply apologise, Miss y/n.”

You heard the slamming of papers beside you from Kihyun. He was seething. “If there is anyone here that cannot handle past personal relationships, its you. This whole meeting, you have not once addressed Miss y/n properly. Instead, you demean her for a series of personal, non-business related, and need I say harmless, choices from her past. I think it’s very clear that this contract…”

“Yoo Kihyun,” you warned, getting him to stop his tirade before he said something you knew your company would regret.

“Oh this is hilarious. Y/n finally found the man who would protect her. Is that why you hired him? And not just him but that blondie too, passing you notes like it’s 4th grade?” Jongho mocked.

“Mmmm, alright, I see how it is,” you rolled your eyes and drawled.

Hoseok nudged Minhyuk almost excitedly. They knew this voice was reserved for when you were going to tear someone apart.

So you loosened a breath and began. ”Alright, Jongho, let’s talk about my personal relationships. If you and I ever had a meaningful personal relationship, then you would know that I draw the line with you insulting my staff. My architecture heads can cover projects in every single architectural discipline. My head engineer has had recruiters seek him out internationally. And my head of investments, the one you say I have a personal relationship with, has handled deals totalling more than this entire state’s military budget. But since you didn’t know any of that, it looks like we never had a meaningful personal relationship.”

Minhyuk smiled openly and proudly while watching you. Kihyun snickered behind his hand.

Taking a breath, you delivered the final blow. “Now Jongho, let me show you what a personal relationship looks like.” You faced Changkyun, and said in a sickly sweet voice, “Changkyunnie, will you do your noona a favour and get her ex-boyfriend to leave?”

Even the calm Hyunwoo’s jaw dropped open when he heard that. Several officers’ eyes widened too.

Changkyun held you gaze, smirking proudly while he spoke. “Lieutenant, you’re dismissed.”

The meeting wrapped up quickly after that. Chankgyun apologised several more times for his lieutenant’s behaviour and the remaining officers didn’t even make eye contact with you. Minhyuk would say that’s equal parts because of your speech and because of Kihyun glaring at anyone who looks your way. At the end of the meeting, Changkyun agreed to review your tender and forward you the contract to look over and sign if you still wished to proceed.

Outside the restaurant, the executives all headed to their own cars, making small talk as they went.

“What’s everyone’s weekend plans?” Hyunwoo asked while stretching his arms in the parking lot.

“My son’s visiting,” Hoseok replied. “His wife is pregnant now actually.”

You gasped excitedly. “Hoseok, that’s wonderful to hear. Let me know when to send something for the baby shower okay?”

Minhyuk laughed at that. “Look at you y/n, living vicariously through us. If you just want to buy small cute things, say that.”

“You know…” Hoseok began with a glint in his eye. “Y/n might not need to live vicariously anymore. I think she has someone, eh?”

“What? No, no, it’s not like that,” you laughed, a little awkwardly since you weren’t sure who the someone Hoseok was referring to was. To move things along, you prompted the others to share their weekend plans as well.

“I'll just work on my bike probably,” Kihyun said with a shrug.

“Bike? Did you know y/n is into that as well? She has a whole garage actually,” Hyunwoo said.

Kihyun’s interest piqued at that. Since when did you have your own garage? You never did any work on bikes back when you were 20. When did you start?

“Well I am just going to sleep. Maybe get lunch with Hyungwon,” Minhyuk added, while rummaging for his keys. By now, all five of you had reached your vehicles, all of which were parked close to each other.

“Sounds fun,” you said with a nod as you watched Minhyuk get into his horrendously yellow car that matched his sunshine personality.

Hoseok did the same, moving to his black Range Rover. As he unlocked the door, he turned round and said, “I almost forgot y/n. Enjoy your date this weekend.”

“Uh sorry, date?”

“Ah so it’s still the early stages then? That’s okay, you two will make a cute couple,” Hoseok said, while getting comfortable in his car.

Hyunwoo, who never kept up with the gossip, looked at you incredulously. “Oh have you met someone recently? What’s he like?”

“Didn’t you know? It’s Wooyoung from investments. You know, that boy that’s always hanging out with San,” Hoseok explained to Hyunwoo while he started his engine.

“Ahhh, I see, so you finally allowed San to set you up with someone. I’m sure he’s a very handsome fella then, just like San,” Hyunwoo replied as he too got into his car.

You didn’t get a chance to explain before both Hoseok and Hyunwoo closed their car doors, waved goodbye and drove away.

This left you and Kihyun in the parking lot.

Kihyun cleared his throat, and approached a motorbike that had been hidden behind the cars earlier. As Kihyun was putting on his helmet, he said, “I’ll get going then, y/n. See you…”

“I am not dating Wooyoung,” you blurted out, cutting off Kihyun.

Kihyun paused. So then what had he seen on the elevator during lunch? Kihyun swallowed and tried to speak tactfully. “I see. It’s okay. If this is about what Jongho said during dinner, don't worry, nobody is mad at you.”

You looked down at you feet to collect you thoughts before speaking. “I didn’t quite mean it like that but… oh well, doesn't matter.”

“Yes it does. I wish it went smoothly today. Then you wouldn’t have to be humiliated by Jongho like that,” Kihyun said with an edge to his voice. “I should have looked into it more when you said he was in the military.”

“Aww Ki, it’s not your fault,” you said gently, taking a step closer to him. Kihyun almost second guessed it when he heard the cute nickname, but you didn't seem to have noticed what you said as you continued speaking. “I am still grateful you had a contact.”

Kihyun chuckled softly. “Well, I think my so-called contact liked you more than he liked me.”

“True. I never thought your contact would be someone I’d recognise. Plus, we got lucky that Changkyun is a commodore,” you mused.

“Yeah he joined the navy sometime around when I sold the warehouse,” Kihyun added as he leaned against his bike, content to continue what was probably the longest conversation you two had shared so far.

You cocked your head, processing his words. “Wait, sold the warehouse? When was that?”

Kihyun’s eyes widened realising his mistake. “Uhh what I meant is I sold a warehouse, but it wasn’t mine.”

He pushed off his bike and stood up straighter while you made quick strides to him and closed the distance between you two. He didn’t make an attempt to move away from you. You stood so close you could could’ve caged him with you arms if they weren’t occupied by your bag.

He studied your face as you looked up at him with your brows scrunched. Kihyun wasn’t sure what you were about to do, and he was shocked by how cold your voice was when you spoke., “But you did sell your warehouse. The one we always met in.”

Kihyun didn’t reply. Neither could he meet your gaze at that.

You gave a mirthless chuckle and continued. “Did you honestly think I wouldn’t find out? It took one day, one fucking day and a report my colleague handed me to find out what happened. To find out exactly who you sold that warehouse to.”

You were angry. You were hurt. Kihyun could see the tears pooling in your eyes and how you were clenching your fists. “Y/n, it’s not what you think,” he began.

You stepped even closer to him, chests almost brushing. “I am not an idiot Kihyun. That warehouse was private property, your property, and MX acquired it. My firm. You’ve seen me study property law so you know I know what that means.”

You started accentuating words with your fist so Kihyun clasped both of your clenched hands gently and brought them to his chest. “Y/n, baby, I was just trying to protect you.”

“What were you trying to do? Make me chase you by leaving the rights to that entire plot of land under my mother’s company? Was it to stake some claim so you could come crawling back one day?”

“Please, y/n, it’s not like that,” Kihyun said, biting his lip and looking down.

“Do you honestly expect me to believe that?” Your voice became lower, punctuated with angry hisses. “You fucking sold your warehouse to my mother’s company, and disappeared without another word to me, asshole.”

“You’re right, princess, and you have every right to be mad at me,” Kihyun moved your closed fists to one hand and reached out to cup your face with his other hand, but you stopped him.

You loosened one of your hands from his grasp to grab his wrist and push his hand away from your face. “You don’t get to call me princess, not after what you did.”

“Baby, please believe me, it was the only way I could protect you,” Kihyun pleaded. He still kept one of your hands on his chest, while you brought his hand down to his side and lightly linked your fingers together.

In a more measured voice than earlier, you said, “Do you know what it was like to walk into that warehouse and find it empty? Do you know how it felt when the first project they gave me at MX was to redevelop your warehouse like it meant nothing to me?”

“Y/n, I am sorry. For everything,” he said.

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knightyoomyoui · 2 years ago

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[ONE-SHOT SPECIAL] Mina x M & F Reader - “Out Of Goodbyes”

A/N: This is just a short one-shot with 2k words. I made a bonus one-shot special ft. Mina for both my male and female readers to fill up the gap that Part 2 of CFM series left in Set 5. Like I said in my announcement, my phone got broken and currently I can't be able to send it to a repair shop yet due to financial issues. All of my plot outlines for CFM series, 1% Of Chances book and even my summary also for my upcoming and remaining entries for Set 5 are also in there so sad to say for my readers there, especially the male ones who are anticipating for the Part 2 of CFM series which is originally should be the next update of mine but due to unforeseen circumstances, I wasn't able to make one yet. Probably it might be moved instead to the Set 6 lineup rather. It still makes me disappointed and disheartened also at how sudden the bad luck just happened to me but I don't have any choice yet but to create a new revised plot for the CFM series and 1% of Chances as I apply still some parts of the original plot that I still remember in there. In addition, I'm going to focus more first on my unaffected books: The Tale Of The Bloodline and the TWICE Ships book. For now, please enjoy this very quick one-shot that I made although this one's an angst since I haven't made a full one since Doughnut series, I guess. Hope yall understand and my deepest apologies again. (This one-shot is inspired from the song "Out Of Goodbyes" by Maroon 5 and Lady Antebellum, very underrated song but for me it's a freaking masterpiece. Had me listening to it in repeat these days. Give it a listen if you want.)

7AM in the morning and you just woke up in your bed from the alarm you set hours ago before sleeping. You slammed the clock shut, stopping it from continuing to rang annoyingly before you rubbed your eyes to clear his vision for him to properly see as another day comes for him to start. Flopped back into the soft mattress of your bed, you huffed in the air before facing aside to the blank space with you where once, a certain somebody that was very special to you occupies this. As if your reflexes are still used to it, your body can't help but to react strangely when your skin gets contact in the surface; shivers and heat cursing all over just like what you've always felt whenever she's embracing you at any activities you do with her in this particular bed of yours. You frowned, a sigh escaped in your mouth as you gave the vacant area a gentle caress before you slowly stood up from the bed. Bringing the phone with you onto the kitchen, you prepared the ingredients you need for a quick breakfast that you're about to make. Part of freshening yourself up, you brushed your teeth and washed your face first before returning back to the kitchen and start cooking. As you were about to began performing the first step, your phone beeped with a notification. Phone litted bright, you peeked at it and saw the time and the date itself displayed first along with your newly replaced wallpaper consisting of just your own picture. Out of these three, the date reminded you something that even made you sadder if you'll be looking forward for this whole day. March 24 It was her birthday... and your anniversary with her. With your ex-girlfriend. With Mina. What you did with the wallpaper won't fool you also, as the location and the person who took that for you was none other than her too.

She was the person you were with on that day, and always has been. She was even included on your previous one, but what happened between you and her just hurts so much you couldn't even stand seeing her very close to you unlike how you loved it when you and her were once together. And through that, the memory flashed within your mind which clenched your chest and breaths gone heavy. FLASHBACK Tell me actions Speak louder But there's something about her words, that hurts. In the middle of the night as you are currently driving on your way home with Mina, you decided to break the unsettling silence wrapping the two of you inside the car, especially that both of you are holding unpleasant mood towards each other that neither of you can't tell enough what's behind it. "What happened to you again this time?" You asked her, eyes fixated on the road illuminated from the headlights of your car as you kept on driving carefully. Mina remained unmoved in her seat, head still leaned at the window as she stared outside to watched the bypassed surroundings of the street you're crossing ahead. "None of your business. Just take me home, please." You weren't surprised with her attitude shift at you. Here she comes again with her words that speaks louder more than her actions can tell which only results for you to feel something about these words she says to you that ends up hurtful to you. "A-are you sure? You know what I mean, I j-" "What words can't you understand from what I said, YN? I don't have time for this, okay?"

"Can you blame me for being like this to you?" You said to her, glancing at her. "I just wanted to know, Mina." "Does it even matter to you?" "Ofcourse it does!" You raised your voice higher, giving a hint at how your patience is being tested again by her unlikeable behavior. "What kind of a stupid question is that anyway? I'm your boyfriend/girlfriend, don't I have a right to take care of you?"

"Well, I kinda figured it out because I thought I'll just end up getting scolded again and you will be the one who's right here as usual." "Huh? W-what are you talking about? Is that what you really think of me treating you?" "Keep driving, YN. I just want to rest now." She ignored your plead of clarification. "F-fine. I won't force you if that's what you want." Closing up and it's too late and I'm the last one Still waiting for you to lock the door This gap of you finally giving up is inches wide remaining. You listened to her and returned your focus back on the road as you left her still silent, probably clouded with her own problems. It makes you worry, of course; but the walls she's building again is preventing you from coming closer and offer assistance to her and you just don't know why she's being like this to you. What's even worse is that, this ain't the first she's ever done this to you. This occurs every time that you and her are having problems in the midst of your third renewal of relationship with her after those previous breakups you had with her which was caused with different reasons. She was freely sharing it to you once until days come by when she turns out keeping it secret to you instead and now here she is again, deciding to cope it by herself while leaving you here still concerned about her and you are done with it. You can't allow this to continue... which is same as what you can say for your relationship with her. Your wondering and processing reached the breaking point where it now made you realize that this won't lead anywhere at all. This isn't worth it for another chances, opportunities or mercy. You are now done. You shut the door of each other's home and now you're the only one waiting for her to finally lock it and never be opened again.

Although to be honest, this is the hardest decision you've ever done in your life but there's no turning back now. You ended up here and it's no going back now, especially that you know to yourself that you can't do it anymore. On our way home I realize There's some kind of storm brewing in his /her eyes Only veiled by a thin disguise You finally reached your place with her. Parking the car slowly in front of the house, she exited quickly without even needing your help to open the door for her like you usually do and what you were about to do also. She was already in the front door as you followed her from behind. Mina turned her body to face you as she's about to lend you a way for you to insert the key to the doorknob.

There it is, Mina perceived it clearly indeed as she stared at your eyes as you turned at her with a small smile before you faced her with your side profile.

Little did you know that while Mina chose to became quiet after your almost altercation with her, she saw something right through you that tugged her heart and fill guilt inside of her. She can't tell specifically, but she knows there's something beneath your eyes that informs her that something is wrong about you, only to be hidden barely behind your mask pretending that you are fine in front of her. But, there's this possibility that she's confident enough to be sure about her thoughts, and that is she knows that you are hurting because of her from the way she acts around you. She is conscious about it because after all, it was taken effect of her falling out of love from you. So yeah, both of you were just sharing the same desire to end this relationship once and for all bringing the same perspective. Lost, confused and unmotivated to proceed guiding yourselves at what future holds for both of you together when each of you knew can see that in the end; none of you both were destined to stay together. You and her entered your house that witnessed your rollercoaster ride of memories together, and for the last time on this very night, it'll all ends here for good. You changed your clothes to a sleeping garment, so as Mina.

And now that I've done my time I need to move on and I need you to try Cause we're out of goodbyes Mina exits the bathroom, she saw you sitting alone in the bed while seeming as if you're spacing out. "YN?" She patted you on the shoulder as she stepped in front of you. Your frown and your droppy eyes made her gulp heavily. It startled you a bit as your eyes matched her beautiful face. The beauty that impressively couldn't have your heart to resist, except for this very moment where you have to let her go completely for the sake of each other. "Oh you're out now. Let's go to sleep, babe." You forcefully smiled at her. Lifting your lower body for you to lay down on the bed, you were shocked when Mina just gave you a backhug. "I-I'm sorry. I don't want to be angry and harsh at you. You just wanted to help." You felt her head shuddered before even hearing her soft whimpers of cries from the tears flowing in her face. Her affection didn't fail to brought you along with it as you also let out the emotions you're containing within you, cried as you grasped her big yet soft hands wrapped in your torso. "I know, Mina. I'm sorry too." "I'm trying, I really do YN but..." "... there's nothing in there anymore, doesn't it?", you finished her words on her behalf which surprised her. "H-how did you know?"

"I just don't feel the same too, I guess." You rubbed her hands with your fingers. "Not when I'm in love with the girl that was different from the one I used to know at all." Mina sobbed in your shoulders, her muffled sounds resonating in your ear as she buried her face to you. "I wanted to tell you already, I swear, but there's something that hold me back. I-I'm afraid to hurt you more once I tell you." You appreciated her consideration atleast, knowing that there's a glimpse of care stuck in her for you plus convinced that she did tried also to fight for each other's relationship. "I forgive you, Mina. It's not just your fault too please, we should've talked about this sooner but now that I've done my time for you... ... all I ever want now is to promise me that you'll try again as I move on, okay?

As this, yeah we can call it over now. No more other ways to say it. Not even goodbye once you and I became free tomorrow and head to our separate ways, because we both know that you and I are completely out of it."

You faced her again and cupped her cheeks as she raised her head to stare at you with her pitiful expression. You kissed her for one last time in the lips before separating yourselves. "But let this one for you to always remember before you go, Mina...

... I loved you with all my heart. Believe me, as much as I want you stay, I never asked you to change for you became like this. It pains me that you rather don't feel the same as me. That's why we have to do this. I want us to be happy again." Your bittersweet words made Mina form a smile along with another river of tears streaming down in her cheeks as she holds your warm hand and holds it tightly to her pounding chest. "I loved you too, YN. You are the best man I've ever known, it's such a shame that everything we had won't work for us at all no matter we try." You clutched the back of her head and pulled her closer to you, planting a kiss on her forehead as you caressed her hair while she submitted herself in your arms again, willingly wanting to enjoy this for the last time. "But you know what?"

She hummed in response. "In all honesty, despite you broke my heart, went through hard times and repeat; I just want to say that I'm still grateful atleast that with those good things you've done, it made me feel somehow that I was the perfect man who would love to spend longer times together with you. " Mina's quivering lips smiled. She felt her body being carried carefully by you as you made her join you lay down on the bed, with her head resting close into your chest as you helped her ease down her emotions. BACK AT THE PRESENT Ending the revisiting of that sorrowful final memory you shared with Mina, you weren't aware that there's a drop of tears landed on the screen of your phone as you drowned in the midst of your deep thoughts of her until you and her drift away in slumber for the last time as lovers at the same bed you were waking up everyday, now being alone. You wiped your eyes and your cellphone with your cloth before you opened the notification, revealing a message coming from Sana herself minutes ago. "Good morning Y/NN! When will you come here?" You replied her immediately, not wanting to make her wait longer as both of you wouldn't want to become late for later. Few hours later, you arrived at Sana's house and escorted your friend inside the car as you drive through the location of the event that you and her are invited in. Stepping into the yard, you and Sana caught every person that is present in the yard where the area is designated for an occasion. A birthday occasion. The celebrant looked at you. That familiar gummy smile, plump pinkish cheeks inflated by the curve and her symmetric eyes she had, a déjà vu effect on you. Seemed so real, bright and colorful just like the first time you met her.

You entered with Sana and greeted your friends one by one until it has come to you and her. It's been a while since both of you got this closer personally and it does felt a bit awkward for each sides.

"You arrived." You nodded and smiled. "Happy Birthday, Minari." She offered you a high five before all of a sudden, it got you flustered at her quick hug on you before she releases. "Thank you, Y/NN." You saw her adorable smile presented at you before she returned back to her friends and invite everyone for a picture. I wonder does your man still shudder when you touch his hand Like this man You aligned yourself with Sana and Momo along with other guests as they captured a photo of Mina and her boyfriend. Her body leaned closer in his arm as she holds his hand for a pose.

It's been months after the break-up, and with the sight you realized that she must've completely moved on already; as per the promise you requested for her. You are happy for her, but your heart that is still learning and unable to finally let go its love from her is what gives you an aching sensation. You looked at her hand wrapped neatly at his, you've been in his spot before and you know how great her touch felt often.

Then you muttered to yourself in curiosity if through that, the man Mina's with now; shows the same affection of love as much as you did. "You two look great, but does he make you feel loved as much as I did for you? Don't get hurt again Mina, please.", you muttered to yourself in curiosity. Meanwhile, Mina who's watching you from the distance; talking comfortably with the other friends of yours; was asking the same thing in her mind.

Unlike you, she doesn't harbor any lingering feelings; and she's only hoping the same that you're doing fine these days because too many heartbreaks won't make it worth it any longer. Just like goodbyes, you and her ran out of his and hellos also for one another to possibly never come back.

#twicemina #twiceminaxmreader #twiceminamalereader #twiceminaoneshot #twiceminaau #twiceoneshot #twiceau #kpoponeshot #kpopau

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polyamorouspunk · 8 months ago

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Happy Friday!!

I have so many projects going on man I'm going crazy lol. I think some of the projects need put on hold until I save up for a decent sewing machine though.

But I've got my garden going again, and my coworkers gave me a deadline to write a childrens book based on doodles, and Im working on my zine that for some reason I can only open in chrome(???), and I wanna do a little research with my punk 101 posts, and also I need to do research that Im not really in the mood for so I can make that music map.

Oh and also I'm going to see Radium Girls (a play) tomorrow with a friend, and I'm debating if I'm going back to my college sunday for my friends graduation, but I dont really want to cause its gonna be raining. And also also, Some (different) co-workers wanna play dnd with me, but I dont think I'd like playing with them just from knowing them for a few months but I dont know how to be like 'no', but also Im on a HUGE dnd kick (I got new converse I need to show off btw) but have no one to play with and that makes me sad, but I dont want to play with people who will make it not fun for me :(

But how are you? How was your week? Any fun plans??? (side note: do you like dnd, just out of curiousity?)

I ain’t making people scroll though this

My week has been… better. Better than last week. Monday I took a day trip to Virginia Beach by myself to kind of clear my head and my soul, purge some of that pain and negative energy. Last night when you sent this though it kind of just… came back… which is why I didn’t answer this then.

Tomorrow I’m going out with my family to some botanical garden that only opens like 4 times a year or something to the public. We’re bringing lunch with us so I guess we’ll be eating together somewhere, maybe at the gardens.

I’m counting down the days until I fly back to CT to go see Electric Callboy with my friends, and then hopefully go to the aquarium with my gf + friends. Other than that I don’t have any plans for that trip. I still have to tell my brother + my other friend when I’ll be up, I just feel like any spare moment I have I use to recover some psychological HP.

I’m going from working 30+ hours a week to only 3 days a week soon because we’re getting self checkout on Monday. Hopefully I can use that time to work on some things for @prideful-things-shop, mainly the snowglobe tumblers (don’t worry, you’re getting one of the Eeveelution ones).

I’m still waiting to hear back if we can go to that concert and trying to book my tattoo appointment for that Friday.

I LOVE Radium Girls, I read the book, it’s one of my favorite books. I know they turned it into a play and a movie, but I haven’t seen either of them. I actually grew up near one of the locations in the book. They put a mall right next to it, so that’s where I used to go to the mall. I’ve never been to the clock factory, but it’s a museum now. Maybe I can add that to the list of things to do when I go back home. It’s also right across the highway from one of those defunct Jesus theme parks. I’ve wanted to visit that too.

I’ve never played DnD, but my friends made a game that’s similar and I was part of the pilot test group for that, and apparently they’re still playing all these years later. It’s been almost a decade.

My mom wants to make raised beds but we haven’t gotten that far yet. She wants a saw, just hasn’t been able to spare the money for it yet. I’ve offered to get it for her but she declined. We were looking at them while I was looking for the drill I bought for the tumblers. She has a lot of potted plants though lining the porch, including some herbs, and I think she’s planning on some carrots and cherry tomatoes.

I’ve been studying the sub-genres of metal music for a while, basically so that I can ID a song/band by it’s genre and guide people towards recommendations based on what they already listen to (country, pop, rap, etc.). The idea of making a music map sounds really exciting, I would love to do some research for something like that (like I said, I’m already using spare time to do that on my own anyway).

I’m really hoping once I have more free time I can also go back to working on my patch pants. My grandma bought us a sewing machine from the thrift store she works at, and she taught my mom how to use it, and my mom has used it to make pillow cases for outside pillows, but she didn’t buy outdoor fabric and they faded quickly. This year I paid for some outdoor fabric we picked out together along with some more fabric for my patches, so I’m turning our front porch into a fruit-themed area, which my mom isn’t really thrilled about but I’m the one paying for everything, so…

The other day there was a big snake on the front porch and my mom had to kill it. It was a pretty rough experience for both of us. We have a cat that lives on our front porch which is who found it, and then our neighbor has a cat who lives on her front porch, and we’ve had snakes get in the house before, and now we have indoor cats, so it’s just a risk we can’t take. It made me reflect a lot about city vs country life and a lot of things tied to that (poverty, race, queerness, etc.).

Here’s to hoping we can both have a relaxing but productive summer, and I’ll see you soon xoxo

#punk gets mail

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free-for-all-fics · 2 years ago

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Prompts for Manuel “Manu”, Tenoch’s character cameo from Mozart in the Jungle Part 2. But could also just be Tenoch AUs since Manu gets so little screen time lol. Pls tag me if you’re inspired by any of these and write something, I’d love to read it! 💜 Thanks to @okay-hotshot for helping me with these!

16. Your friends said jokingly "You'll never play the violin again". You find a violin at a flea market being sold for $40 by a sad-looking Mexican man. Some years later here you are, playing the violin for a fundraiser campaign. The man who sold you the violin is in attendance, and a smile is brought to his face when he watches you perform.

17. Manu/Tenoch walks down the street with a violin case in his right hand and a small bouquet in his left.

18. You just bought a new car. You're really proud of it because you worked your ass off to save enough money to be able to buy it. One night, it drives off as if it had been stolen. But as you look, you see no visible driver. But something is left behind that points you towards who the culprit might be. (A ring, a bracelet, a wallet, anything.)

19. “Wait ma’am, nothing was stolen?”

“Nothing, yes.”

“And there was no obvious point of entry?”

“Not that I could find.”

“So how do you know there was a break in?”

“My place was a mess yesterday, then I wake up this morning and it’s the cleanest I’ve ever seen it!”

20. Manu/Tenoch, driving a stolen car, crashes into you, a woman driving another stolen car.

21. One day, your car is stolen. When you get it back weeks later, there are some unexpected modifications.

22. In the morning, you notice your car was broken into. To your relief, nothing was stolen. However, something was left behind.

23. You haven't actually been getting drinks from the guy across the bar from you, the bartender just fancies himself a master matchmaker. What's worse? He seems to be very good at it. What a strange way to meet Manu/Tenoch. But what’s even stranger is that you ended up falling in love and marrying him. Guess you’ll have to thank that bartender.

24. You wake up in some random bed - dazed and in a haze. Your friends are sleeping on the floor, and there's a stripper passed out, partially laying in a giant cake that they must have jumped out of. You went a little too hard during your bachelorette party in your excitement to marry Manu/Tenoch.

25. Short on money you decide on becoming a stripper. You excel at it, and Manu/Tenoch becomes a regular just to see you. He pays for private sessions, but he wants to engage in conversation with you and get to know you even while you’re giving him a lap dance or full body massage.

26. Your date is getting increasingly nervous as you throw back your third drink of the night. Their nerves might be due to them having roofied each of your drinks more heavily than the last. You smile glowingly and say, "I think the bar is watering down their drinks tonight, what do you think?" Unbeknownst to your shitty date, Manu/Tenoch is the owner of the bar/nightclub, but has taken over as the bartender for the night to protect you. When your date’s not looking, Manu/Tenoch has been swapping your drinks out, so you get normal drinks and the drugged drinks get tossed out. You and Manu/Tenoch just sit back and watch the show as your shitty date gets more and more confused. He’ll get thrown out eventually, but you and Manu/Tenoch are having fun first.

27. You are a bartender and it's a boring night. Manu/Tenoch comes over to you and says, "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you a hell of a story". Eh, why not? You have nothing else better to do.

28. You run a pawn shop and an older gentleman just came in to sell a Bergozi violin. A few hours later, you get a phone call from a man who asks about it. You haven’t even finished the paperwork to put the violin up for sale yet, so you wonder how he knows. He introduces himself as Manuel and claims he’s a sort of free range detective who’s been tasked with tracking down the violin. He later shows up in person and explains the situation. He promises to reimburse you for the money you gave the seller, but he also flirts with you and kisses your hand. He tells you that you can call him Manu and uses all sorts of moves to get you to melt and hand over the violin. He’s not blind and neither are you. The mutual attraction is palpable. But you’re still a businesswoman and instead of just taking his word for it, you want him to take you to this orchestra symphony concert that he’ll be attending. He smirks and agrees to your terms, telling you he’ll drop off a dress for you at 7 and pick you up at 9. If the dress and/or car is stolen? Shh, no they're not. But if they are? Don’t worry about it. Just enjoy your date night.

29. You and Manu go on a cute date which includes going for night drives in a stolen vehicle, catching a movie at a drive-in theater, making a quick getaway and evading arrest when the cops try to pull you over, then ditching the stolen car. You run away through the streets and alleys while holding hands. You top the night off by getting mystery tacos off the street and sharing your food. Both of you enjoy the local specialties and are able to hold your stomachs incredibly well, unlike Rodrigo. Manu then uses a Slim Jim to break into another car and you do the wires. He drives you home and kisses you goodnight, or you’re already living with him. Either you’re actually dating, or you’re already married and this is just how you do “date nights” as husband and wife. Up to you.

#tenoch x reader #tenoch fic #tenoch huerta x reader #tenoch huerta mejia x reader #tenoch huerta fanfic #Manuel x reader #Manu x reader #Mozart in the jungle x reader #random fic ideas #fic prompts #random prompts #pls tag me if you write any of these #i’d love to read it

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jodilin65 · 6 years ago

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MONDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2018 Since Tom never uses his Facebook account, we agreed to have me deactivate it for him. One less account for the black bitch to block. Really wish I’d thought to ask him about killing his account before she blocked him but oh well.

On Aly’s other Twitter account she talks of her New Year’s resolutions and one of them is getting rid of toxic things (and people). Can’t help but wonder if I’m one of those toxic people, even though we haven’t been arguing about anything, but I have been dumped by her before and deemed toxic and depressing. If she dumps me, she dumps me. Tom’s the only person that matters while others are just a bonus that can do what they want. Still prefer to remain friends with her but I’m used to being dumped and the older I get, the less seriously I take most things.

The planes are running later and driving me crazier. There is no escaping the fucking things. Twice I filled out noise complaint forms online at the airport site and twice I’ve been ignored. I’d like to think it’s just a holiday thing but this actually started around September. I think they changed flight paths and that this is the way it’s going to be indefinitely. It’s sad that something up there feels I should be so damn cursed with noise that I can’t even have peace at night anymore. The one thing I used to look forward to was the peacefulness of the nighttime but now that too, is gone. The best I can do is hope I don’t hear them in the summer like we don’t hear the freeway at that time.

Going to be seeing the nurse in 9 hours about my blood pressure and we may stop at Goodwill on the way back. Depends on how tired I am. I got up at 10 which means I’ll sleep through New Year’s on the East Coast and won’t be able to watch the ball go down in Times Square live, but I’ll be up in time for New Year’s here which is a good thing in case fireworks wake me up.

Last night’s dream was pretty gross. We decided to shop for rats and for some reason we thought white rats were our only option where we went. Tom asked a young girl sitting at a desk for a white rat and she said we had to go pick one out ourselves. He seemed annoyed with this answer but didn’t say anything. So we went into this room where another woman that I seemed to know and like sat behind another desk assisting customers. I waved to her on my way in, not sure she saw me. Then I was delighted to find a cage full of rats with all different colors and markings. I was even happier to find my favorite, a cinnamon rat.

Yet once I got home I fried and ate the poor thing, saying that it didn’t look like a cinnamon or a Berkshire and that I should have gotten two of them since I ended up eating one. It seemed to look and taste like fried chicken. Gross dream!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2018 Began watching You which Aly recommended a while back. I haven’t seen enough of it to really judge it but it totally figures that they had to reference hate groups like BLM and make other small but obvious references to race.

Not much to update on other than that we ran out to Sam’s yesterday and probably won’t be going anywhere today.

It was so fucking cold yesterday morning! Just so fucking cold! It was 37° but it felt like 20°.

The planes were surprisingly quiet when I got up at 9pm but by 11:30, they were back at it.

Had some weird dreams last night. In one dream, Bob and Virginia’s place was set back further and in a different direction rather than in line with our house. They had a second building in front of their place which I’d never been in but wondered what was inside. Then one time I was walking between the places when they had the blinds open to one of the windows and I could see a beautiful and elegantly decorated room. I thought how it didn’t surprise me that they’d set up such a nice room in this building.

Then a second later I was actually inside the room watching TV with Bob, Virginia and Jim. Bob lifted a heavy footstool and placed it in front of his chair and Jim chuckled and chastised him for lifting objects heavier than he should be lifting at his age.

In the second dream, we were living who knows where. It almost looked like the Phoenix house but the back door was in the wrong place. It was off the second bedroom. We left this door open, expecting to be back from wherever we went a lot sooner than we were. I went back to the house myself to get something and check on things while I was at it, worried someone may have gotten in during our absence.

When I got inside the house it was just getting light out and when I went to flick the light switches on I noticed the power was out in some of the rooms. When I checked the master bedroom I could just make out the sleeping form of someone in the bed.

“Who are you?!” I suddenly shouted, startling the person from their sleep. I jumped on the bed and said, “Get over here! Get out now!”

As I pulled them out into the hallway I could see a young skinny guy with dark eyes and dark curly hair. He started off at my height but then seemed to grow a little taller. I demanded to know who he was and ordered him to get out or else I would call the cops.

He insisted he at least use the bathroom and take a quick shower first. I told him to hurry up and that I was throwing him out afterward.

While he was in the bathroom, first I checked to make sure nothing was stolen and then I gathered some old food we didn’t want, including a half-eaten loaf of bread that was on the verge of expiring. I threw the stuff in a bag and handed it to him on his way out.

“You’re lucky I’m not calling the cops,” I told him. “Instead, I’ve written a name and number on this piece of paper.”

I handed it to him along with the bag and said, “Let’s continue talking outside.”

Relieved that I didn’t have to physically fight to force him outside of the house, I told him to call the number on the paper and ask for the name next to it.

He kept his eyes on me and I told him, “Look at the paper.”

He slowly turned toward the paper and took it as if it was a real chore and a burden for him to do so, not bothering to hide his lack of interest and lack of gratitude for my help.

“The second name is mine. Tell the woman I referred you and she’ll help you get on your feet. For now, get out of here and don’t come back. You’re welcome, too.”

The dream ended with me watching the guy quietly shuffle around the corner and wondering if I would regret either not calling the cops or beating the shit out of him.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2018 Perhaps if it wasn’t for the fact that I slept on and off forever, I wouldn’t have hit 150.6 for the first time since late 2016. If it isn’t the medication then I’m definitely liking this new disease, whatever it is, LOL. It both makes sense and doesn’t. Of course a faster metabolism means you should lose weight if you’re active and not overeating. But then why didn’t I lose weight before when I wasn’t going thyrotoxic? It also seems like my calorie intake is still a bit high for weight loss. Even when I was young it took about 1000 calories to lose weight yet I’m still closer to 1500. It’s going very slow, though, like it always would when I would lose weight. If I lose any more it should be a while before I slip into the 140s and therefore no longer obese. Then again, I was never literally “obese” if you go by my inches and not my weight since muscle weighs more than fat. But I could definitely stand to lose 20 to 30 lb. I’m just worried about how it may affect how my meds affect me. I don’t think I’ll lose that much, though. Tom can see 5 to 10 lb. Well, the highest I’ve then upon waking up was 156.

Not only is losing weight without trying and without going hyper a bit weird but so is my memory loss, regular fatigue and feeling a bit off-balance. These can be signs of a brain tumor or Parkinson’s. We’re thinking the dizziness and fatigue could be my high BP but I’m really nervous about my next set of thyroid numbers, particularly my T4 hitting 1.4. So much for hoping vitamin D would help with sleep and energy, though. I knew those two days of decent sleep and energy were flukes. Tiredness is the norm, not the exception. IDK, maybe I really could have sleep apnea and not know it. Will have to mention it to my ENT in May.

I was watching a random YouTube video on alcohol hacks and one of them said that it soothes the skin. So I put it on my groin rash and while I can still see it, it definitely feels better.

Tom said he and Bob waved to each other when he was going to the house across from him but they weren’t close enough to talk. Tom was at the mailboxes. I haven’t had a chance to get over there, thanks to my fucking schedule. After these many days, I would say it’s safe to assume Virginia is still alive no matter where she is. I would think his place would be swarming with visitors if she had died and Bob definitely would have made a point of saying something to Tom.

Got my new nightgown and it fits perfectly even if the sleeves are a bit long. Love my Pilates ring as well which will be great for working my inner thighs since that particular exercise on the Bowflex is a bit tricky. It’s too easy to get hurt and pull a muscle because you have to work one leg at a time. But this way I can put the ring between my knees and squeeze evenly with both legs.

I’m glad that women didn’t lose their rights in Ohio as they nearly did due to that ridiculous heartbeat bill. The way they claim a heartbeat makes it a person is utterly asinine. My betta has a heartbeat but that doesn’t make it a person. What’s a little scary is how narrowly it escaped being passed. I don’t understand why abortion is getting increasingly frowned upon these days. Most men are no less resistant to the idea of having kids than they’ve always been and women are choosing careers over family more and more whether or not they’re in a relationship. So what’s the problem then?

Aly agrees with Tom in that not all obits are listed if the family doesn’t want one listed. There was never one for Aly’s grandfather or a former classmate who died. But would Miss Perfect choose not to list the queen for some reason? His brother Ray was listed but that would’ve been up to his wife Nora, not Miss Perfect.

Still haven’t heard from Kim but Aly did yesterday. She’s been busy as her family is not only rearranging her room but they do a few celebrations with different family members. Wonder how she managed to hide her Kindle with them reorganizing her room?

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2018 Lying in bed without air cleaners or sound machines and listening to the nonstop whooshing sound of the freeway along with the planes. With 20-something years left to live, I realize I really ought to get used to it once and for all. The world gets noisier with time, not quieter. If we do manage to nab a place quieter than this someday, it can’t be by very much.

Woke up with that drugged, groggy, dizzy feeling after sleeping at least somewhat shitty. I woke up in the middle of my sleep with a bit of a stuffy nose so I took baby Benadryl after I got up to pee. It just doesn’t make sense that I would wake up this out of it, though. I didn’t even feel this out of it after an adult Benadryl would knock me out into a nap. So why do I feel so tired and out of it? I seemed to have slept okay otherwise. Let’s just say this is one of those days I’m glad I don’t have a schedule and therefore a job outside of home.

My blood pressure was better the last few days but I did have neck knockers when I got up. This was probably because I stupidly slammed on some sugar before bed. I was too tired for a full meal and I didn’t think a handful of nuts and cherries would satisfy my hunger, so I went for the Chips Ahoy like an idiot.

I’ve been doing well with not feeling anxious. When I felt traces of it a few days ago I thought I would be in for yet another long drawn-out, nasty spell, but I’m doing okay if only for now.

Interestingly enough I haven’t heard from Kim since Christmas morning. She rarely skips more than a day without contacting me and I’m beginning to wonder if she’s either really sick or they caught her with her Kindle. I asked Aly if she’d heard from her but we’re on opposite schedules now so I don’t expect to hear from her for a while. She’s having a rough time of it herself. Her 70-year-old dad who just retired is having back surgery and back pain galore, and now her boyfriend has the shingles.

I vaguely remember dreaming about Aly visiting but don’t remember any real details about the visit.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2018 LOVE how I can tell Alexa to drop the heat if I don’t remember till after getting on the treadmill.

If I had the memory I used to have, then I would have remembered that Campbell’s couldn’t see my tweet because my Twitter account was private. Thank God for younger friends with better memories to remind me of this! I could take the PQQ that Tom takes which helps his memory but with my medication/supplement phobia, I think I’ll pass since it’s something that’s annoying as opposed to debilitating.

Anyway, I went public and tweeted to them and they replied apologizing and saying they were going to check into it. They asked for my mailing address and the UPC number on the can in a DM because they want to make it right.

After I replied I went private again and the next time I have anything to say to someone like them or want to give a piece of my mind to some fucked-up celebrity or politician, maybe then I’ll finally remember that I have to go public first. Twitter has a pretty screwy system but that’s just the way it is. If I want to tell LeBron James that it’s pretty fucked up that all he has to do is give a phony apology for his anti-Jewish comments while Roseanne Barr loses so much due to the comments she made in regards to blacks because whites are oh so privileged, then I have to go public.

I’ve met some black people who were absolutely wonderful. Just wonderful. But I really have some pretty strong feelings toward them as a whole. Okay, enough black talk. It’ll only piss me off.

Nothing from Kim since Christmas morning but I would have to not hear from her for four or five days before I started to think something might be up. I know and understand that life gets in the way of social media at times, and sometimes people just aren’t in the mood for it. It would take two whole days of not hearing from Aly before I started worrying about her since we do keep in touch more often.

Google Docs was putting all these Auto Recovery files all over my document page so since I have tons of backups online anyway, I decided to unsync my Mac from Google Drive.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2018 I was up late and slept late, though I feel more rested than I’ve felt in several days. I even did a half-hour on the treadmill.

Tom said no one was next door all day. This probably means Virginia is in the hospital. The problem is that I haven’t had a chance to get over and find out what’s going on because by the time anyone is up and about over there in the morning, I’m getting tired and winding down. As soon as my schedule pushes ahead a bit more, I’ll go over there.

Realizing I was dumb enough to have canned soup as well as frozen pizza (bagel bites), which can fuel anxiety, and since it was time to order groceries again anyway, I got foods that are more anxiety-friendly while still going easy on the sodium and cholesterol. I only allowed myself one sugary treat, a tube of M&M’s.

Was worried I’d be in for an anxious night, and I still could be later on, but the walk seemed to help with that. I’ll walk all day and all night if that’s what it takes and I won’t care about sore feet and achy hips either.

Next weekend we’re going to set up the video thing at the health site so that if I have an emergency when I’m home alone, I can sign in to talk to a therapist. Yes, I would prefer to work with Stacey but this way, even though it may be twice as expensive at around $50, he doesn’t have to lose time from work. It would only be for if things turned scary. Anxiety is definitely the worst emotion a human being could ever feel!

Metabolism is definitely picking up. I was within a tenth of hitting down at 150, so I’m down about 5.5 pounds.

All I remember for dreams was sending a letter about who knows what to some TV show host. Might have been a reality series or something like that. The woman actually looked like Kelly Siegler from the reality crime show Cold Justice. I’m not sure what I said in my letter to her but I figured she would blow me off. But then I was out in public somewhere when I saw her drive by and knew she was coming to see me. She wore a silky mauve top with spaghetti straps but that was all I could see of her outfit since she was in a car. So I raced home excitedly to meet her for whatever it was I contacted her about.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2018 Virginia was whisked away by ambulance again last night at 3:30 in the morning. I got up in the early afternoon to heavy rain and haven’t gone over there to find out what’s going on. More than likely she overdoing it trying to prepare for those 26 people that I’m starting to suspect won’t be showing up tomorrow after all. Sure hope it was nothing serious anyway! Don’t know if she’s still in the hospital or back home.

Being Christmas Eve, I’m really hoping the fucking planes will give me the night off since they’ve been really annoying the last few nights but I’m hearing one right now and this is about when they become more annoying until after midnight. As I said, this is the one place I just can’t get any peace at night or day.

I slept so-so. Not bad but not great since I did wake up several times along the way.

OMG, I am so fucking sick of notifications disrupting me when I’m trying to use Google Docs! This is the fourth time between two different people but some notifications I don’t want to turn off and then later forget to turn them back on.

As I was saying until I had my train of thought interrupted, I woke up tired and ended up taking a nap for about an hour or so a couple of hours after getting up. Then I managed to do 23 minutes on the treadmill while I did a puzzle but I’m still tired. I read that it could be connected to hypertension. Tom and I don’t think it’s chronic fatigue because I don’t have some of the symptoms. I know no one gets every symptom but I don’t think it’s that. I sure hope not! My God, I’ve had enough of the health issues! If I’m meant to be tired the rest of my life just like I’m meant to be farsighted, fat and gray, I don’t know if I can ever really get used to it. I hope I can but better yet, I hope I get my energy back someday and for more than 5 minutes. I’m back on vitamin D so we’ll see if that helps.

I also went back on the ACV shots because my skin has been worse since I stopped. I was itching everywhere yesterday. Still with the groin rash that comes and goes. It seems like as soon as I back it off with a mix of hydrocortisone and Gold Bonds, it returns. Am I really that big or is it something else?

I worry about my anxiety being right around the corner waiting to strike again. It just “feels” like it’s close. The thing is that whether or not it’s connected to the medication or something gone haywire with my brain chemistry, there’s nothing I can do about it either way. I need this medication and I can’t rewire my brain, so unless the shrink can find the proper remedy for me without killing me along the way, there isn’t really much I can do about it.

I let Campbell’s Chunky Soup have it on Twitter because they could have choked me to death on the little piece of black plastic I found in my New England clam chowder. I guess the equipment they manufacture things on contains some plastic. When I did a check, I found that they’ve had this problem going back over a decade. Well, you would think they would have gotten their shit together by now and made sure it doesn’t happen again.

In light of someone cloning one of my Facebook friend’s account and attempting to friend me, I would like to warn anybody I’m connected to there that they should never receive a friend request from me. If they do, it isn’t me. I have ONE account with my real name. I’ve had this account for over a decade and I don’t catfish or go account hopping to try to hide or cover my tracks from whatever shady shit these guys do, so please report any friend requests in my name.

I had this weird dream about being on some mostly deserted beach somewhere with Tom and I mentioned something about it being more valuable than other beaches.

“No, it’s in the wood,” Tom told me.

So I started looking for pieces of driftwood to inspect and try to figure out how it may be more valuable than driftwood from other beaches.

Then I had a dream Nane was my girlfriend and I lived with her. Only instead of being a financial advisor, she was a US Marshal. Because she was constantly away from home, I was left alone. I mean really alone. Because of her job, it made me a potential target for retaliation so I had to be hidden away in this small room or house. Although I had everything I needed there, I couldn’t leave the place and felt very alone. It was true solitary confinement.

Due to being isolated for long periods at a time I began to fall into a deep depression and realized that our so-called relationship had to end since she was much more married to her job than she would ever be to me.

When she returned after chasing after some fugitive overseas, she was all excited and greeted me with a smile, saying she had a surprise for me. Then she saw how depressed and out of it I looked and her face turned worried. Regardless, she went on to tell me it was over. She was quitting her job and would now be around for me all the time. I think we both expected me to be excited but at that point, it was like I had given up on us already. The dream ended then so I don’t know if I left her or she made good on her word to stay home more often.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2018 Damn me! Just fucking damn me and my stupidity! Aly mentioned going to a concert on the Twitter account we’re connected on as well as on WhatsApp. But she never said who she was seeing…except for on the account she’s connected to Molly on that I’m not supposed to be following. Okay, so it’s public, but I’ve given her every indication to think I’m not peeking in every few days or so like I have been. She probably figures as much, though, because she hasn’t said anything nasty about me and I know that as sensitive as she is, I’ve got to be saying at least some things that hurt her fragile feelings that she hasn’t told me about.

The thing is that Aly’s not going to miss my slip. She’s too perceptive and smart. I would be really surprised if it went over her head and she didn’t stop and say to herself, “Hey, wait a minute. I never mentioned who we were seeing to her or anywhere that I would expect her to see.”

So when she picks up her messages in the morning she’ll know I’m looking at her other Twitter account in which I see her consoling Molly about her mother’s sudden admission to the hospital which I have absolutely no sympathy for. In some ways, Mrs. M was worse than her daughter. Why? Because she should have known better. She wasn’t crazy like her daughter, she was just mean. For a former college professor, she should have been smart enough to know it was wrong to troll me along with her daughter. She enabled her daughter and stooped to her level as they harassed me together.

I hate to admit it but she also scared the shit out of me with the legal threats. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong but you don’t do that to someone who was legally dragged through the mud like I was by the Phoenix welfare bums. So Mrs. M can suffer all the misery that may come her way. What she did was pretty unforgivable as far as I’m concerned.

I guess she would be getting kind of old now because she was older when Molly was born. Pretty sure she’s well into her seventies now.

When Tammy left an anti-Trump comment on one of Norma’s many anti-Trump posts, I wanted so bad to say: You’re the one who voted for him. But don’t worry. You “won’t be around long.” Remember?

Fucking melodramatic lying hypochondriac.

I was looking back in old journals on my anxiety history and while it’s still more than obvious to me, whether the doctors believe it or remember it, such as in Dr. O’s case as she doesn’t seem to have a great memory herself, the first time I was on 75s and then when she tried me on 88s, my many severe symptoms were definitely medication-related. The way I started off with severe lung tightness, then the racing, booming heart, anxiety attacks, the runs, rapid weight loss… I don’t know why, but my body considers normal numbers hyper.

It seems like the end of 2015 was when the “butterflies” started but they were tappable once Stacey taught me emotional tapping. I also wrote about a time when I had them one day for a few hours, then they went away for 4 hours, then returned. Well, not only is the chest anxiety untappable but it doesn’t work like that with the chest. They’re more of a black-and-white thing. They’re either on or off. I never skipped doses when I had the butterflies and they eventually went away. I do believe more and more that the butterflies and the chest “stabbers” aren’t connected to the medication. So I either have perimenopause/menopause worse than any case even Dr. A has ever heard of or something in my brain really did break. Something threw my chemistry off. I’d hate to think it was done by the cruel hand of some unseen force but I guess I’ll never know. The question is if the butterflies can go away, can the chest stabbers? It’s only been a month so I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to think they won’t return sooner or later. I think it’s going to be after the new year when I know he’s going to have fewer days off since we’ll be done with holidays for a while and appointments as well. I love not having appointments until March but it will suck knowing that he’ll have to work 5 days a week every week. I’m still kind of surprised he hasn’t been laid off since it’s so common but nothing’s going to jeopardize such a noisy place. I just can’t believe we could ever lose a place that can be noisy even at night. The last two nights the fucking commercials have been at it. They’ve become worse than the small planes which haven’t been much of an issue lately.

We ran out to Walgreens earlier for some treats and replaced about two-thirds of the betta’s water. It seems to be best if we do it every other week.

I miss having rats but I just don’t have the energy I used to have for them and I know damn well we wouldn’t end up with any Tinkerbell, Sugar, Blondie or Little Buddy. California seems to mostly have timid rats.

Re-wrote my list of exercises and hope to motivate myself to be more consistent with that. I just wish I had more energy more often because that would really help! At 53, however, I’m just not going to have the energy I had 20 years ago.

After 5 days of taking my blood pressure 3 times a day, and after what I looked up on WebMD, it looks like I have stage 2 hypertension, which probably requires medication. Not gonna happen!

12/18/18 - 138/84, 148/86, 155/84

12/19/18 - 127/88, 162/89, 156/87

12/20/18 - 144/90, 158/91, 162/90

12/21/18 - 142/83, 148/90, 156/93

12/22/18 - 135/93, 155/89, 129/91

Later…

If Aly didn’t miss the fact that I shouldn’t know who she saw in concert, she’s not saying anything. Sometimes I just wish she would back off on the texting a little bit and I wish Kim would drop to once a week! Not Kim, but Aly messages me about every little thing she does every chance she gets. I would still rather have her message me more often than I’d like than never at all, though.

Definitely don’t like how Aly’s following my journal on Prosebox. Why? To compare what I share publicly with what I share with her? She’s not the only one in Omaha so it could be someone else but I have a feeling it’s not.

We set me up on Google Docs as I believed this would be an easier way to keep just one copy of my journal that auto-syncs whether I update them on my computer or on Google Docs but it turned out to be a rather complex situation much like OneDrive so I’m not going to do much on my laptop anymore. There are enough sites that have gotten pretty reliable where I can just use those. Prosebox isn’t going to make additional copies of one of my books or posts and have me confused as to which is the most recent copy. I tend to go the opposite way I used to. Instead of writing in Word and then uploading online, I’m writing online and dropping copies in Word. Plus, I backup copies on Amazon Drive and other places.

I slept shitty after skipping vitamin D for 2 days so maybe it really does help me sleep better. I’ll take it before bed along with my kiddy multivitamin. I’m just so damn tired of being tired! I miss my old energy and I wonder if I’m ever going to get it back. But poor sleep and age are really sucking my fatigue big time. Tom assures me that if anything else was wrong they would have found it by now but as Aly said, not necessarily. Sometimes it can take years to be properly diagnosed. Really hope I don’t have chronic fatigue or anything else! I just feel like I shouldn’t be this tired this often. I used to sleep shitty in the past at times as well yet I would eventually perk up after a few hours. It seems I wasn’t always this tired in jail where I slept absolutely shitty as hell. So I think it’s a combination of sleeping shitty in my 50s versus sleeping shitty in my 30s. I hope that’s all it is, anyway.

In better news, we ordered another winter nightgown for me, plus some sippy cups to put by the bed at night because it’s easier to grab one of those if I wake up thirsty rather than to have to sit up and unscrew the cap of a water bottle and all that.

The thing I’m most excited about is the Pilates ring we got. Since weight loss is out of the question I have to try to resort to sculpting and reshaping. If I can shrink and straighten my inner thighs a bit, maybe that will help with my rashes. Right now my fucking thighs are what my waist should be and they’re definitely very round too.

I first searched for a Thigh Master like the one we sold on eBay before we left Arizona. I mostly want to work my inner thighs with this thing because it’s easier than doing it on the Bowflex. It’s also good for working the arms and shoulders while watching TV or something like that.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2018 I was finishing waking up with my coffee just before noon when I heard Bob dragging the trash bin since it was trash collection day to the back of his garage. So I jumped up and caught him coming around to the front of the house when I opened the front door and called out to him.

First, he thanked me for coming over and showing concern. I was glad he was grateful because I was worried Nancy would think I was kind of nosy. I’ll admit I was just as curious as I was concerned. But he was appreciative.

Turns out that the chest pains Virginia was feeling were due to inflammation and not a heart attack. I know all too well what it’s like to think you’re having a heart attack! I didn’t see who got out of Nancy’s car last night but I’m guessing Virginia is back home.

I wasn’t happy to hear they’re having 26 people over for Christmas. I’m on nights now for the most part and since I just can’t seem to stop having appointments, I don’t want any noise jeopardizing my sleep and schedule. The sound machine and the earbuds do a good job of blocking sound but if there’s enough car door slamming the vibration may jolt me awake. Bob didn’t seem too thrilled about the idea of having so much company either. He said something about it being unexpected.

That fucking car stayed here for 11 hours yesterday and today it was here from 1 to 8. It probably came and went before I got up, too. It’s like it lives here but doesn’t sleep here.

Today I’ve been feeling tired as I do half the time these days and wonder if it’s due to the Tacrolimus which I also used today. It will be interesting to see if I wake up with a bad headache and have other symptoms tomorrow. If I do then I’ll definitely have to call Amy. If I can continue to use it, though, I worry and wonder just what I’m going to do when I stop it since Tacrolimus can’t be used forever. In just the week or so that I stopped using it, I was noticeably itchier.

Last night’s dream was anything but fun. I was killing myself. I guess I was ODing on pills, one of them being lorazepam. I downed a bunch of pills and then realized there were still a few left in the bottle and wondered if I should take more. Soon I started feeling the effects of the overdose and told myself I better hurry up and take all I can before I go unconscious so that I never wake up.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2018 Heard the loud car come in yesterday morning for about an hour and then it returned at around 2 p.m. and left 5 hours later. That is one devoted son. Seriously, I really wish we could drop down to the typical once-a-week parent visit. This cock, whoever he is, obviously doesn’t have a life. He doesn’t seem to work and he doesn’t seem to be in any kind of relationship. How he lives wherever he’s living is beyond me. I always worry he’s going to move back but at times he comes around often enough that it seems like he lives here. He was in for an hour this morning so I’m sure he’ll be back anytime now for his second daily visit because he just loves his mommy and daddy that much. I doubt they’re having any serious health issues of any kind. Last I saw of them they seemed to be pretty healthy and able-bodied. I wonder when they’ll put the house up for the third time before they pull it off the market?

Can’t stop thinking of Dr. O. I suppose there’s always a chance I’m imagining things but given how intuitive I’ve proven to be for over half a century I’d say I’m right on about the connection I felt between us the last time. Not saying she’s hot for me all of a sudden or anything like that but I felt some kind of connection between us for the first time. She’s always come off as a bit stern and I definitely wouldn’t want to live with the woman because I think she would be bossy and bitchy enough of the time, but I would be her friend. Even though she’s considered average-looking by most people’s standards, I think she looks pretty good for her early 60s and while I have no crush of my own going, I felt almost drawn to her the day I saw her. There was something very soothing and comforting about the way she dealt with me that also boosted my confidence and determination to deal with my anxiety, whatever the hell is causing it. As I reminded her, though, like it or not, the medication has been a problem in the past even if it was in a much more severe way. Remember… booming, racing heart, the runs a few times a day, rapid weight loss without trying…

The type of anxiety I’ve been dealing with the last two years, however (and I told her it’s changed in the way it affects me and fluctuates at times), is an adrenaline kick in the chest. I can feel it rush through me as if invisible hands are reaching in and squeezing my adrenal glands. The kind you’d feel for a few seconds if you were suddenly face to face with a big old spider or something you find scary. Only it goes on and on for hours. I still worry about the inevitable return of the anxiety and I don’t like the fact that I’m still having memory issues that seem a bit extreme for my age.

Anyway, I might reach out to Dr. O on Facebook in the future. When I accidentally slipped and mentioned Stacey’s name, even though I know she could look it up, I said, “Oops, I wasn’t supposed to mention her name.” She didn’t say anything but her expression told me she did indeed get and read my message regarding that and her son. I still wonder to this day how her son knew who I was. I think it’s safe to say he didn’t know that I knew who he was until I brought up his mother being a doctor and all that. Since I doubt Dr. O would have used my full name even if she did discuss me with her son, I think he either hacked her Facebook messages or somehow got a hold of her patient list. I think he saw his mother’s messages somehow. Maybe he didn’t actually have to hack her. Maybe her messages were sitting open on her laptop which he stepped away from momentarily and he saw my name. I’ll never know but no harm done. :-) Funny how he ignored me when I looked him up and surprised him on Twitter to question him there. I definitely surprised and spooked him in the end but will definitely keep him blocked since I don’t know if he’s all there or what his game was.

I actually slept fairly well last night and I’m feeling the best I’ve felt since I got sick. I’m still a little off-balance but even though I said I’d give up on bothering to walk around the park since I can’t do it full-time, I went to the lake anyway. The weather was perfect for it in that I got sunlight since sunlight goes through clouds, but it was cloudy enough that the sun wasn’t blinding me. The temperature was ideal for the way I was dressed and it was surprisingly quiet. I expected sections of loud landscaping but there weren’t any nor was there as much traffic as I expected. Just a bit lightheaded now and maybe slightly tired.

And the cock is back. sighs with frustration With today’s technology I shouldn’t have to fucking know about it when you come and go unless I actually see you.

I had a weird dream about Mark Zuckerberg last night. For some reason, he lost all his money and temporarily became very poor. So we donated some food for him and his family like we’d even care in real life. But we did. We gave him bags of frozen french fries, tater tots and other things.

Then all of a sudden he was rich again and he returned the uneaten portions of the food we donated to him on his motorcycle and included a large candy bar in the shape of the state of California as a token of his appreciation.

Then I was at his house, which was more like a building than a house, it was so huge. Instead of having two kids, he had eight. And instead of a younger Asian wife, she was an older white lady who didn’t seem very nice. She was pretty standoffish. There were maybe a hundred guests and occasional interns milling about who wore white coats similar to what a doctor wears.

Later…

I was lying in the dark when I heard a loud vehicle. It didn’t register in my mind as anything new since so many vehicles are loud. But then I saw the bright flashing lights. Curious, I got up and looked out the living room window, assuming they were going to the house across from next door or further down the way. Nope. They stopped next door. I briefly talked to their daughter Nancy who said Virginia had been having chest pains for an hour. Not wanting to get in the way, I came back and looked out the window by the door and watched. I assumed at first that they wouldn’t be taking her because they were inside the house for quite a while. Then a paramedic came out and raised the back of the stretcher after tossing a couple of duffel bags or something like that into one of the trucks. But then they walked Virginia out and onto the stretcher and off she went. Nancy drove Bob in her car behind the ambulance.

Really hope it was nothing serious but hey, the woman is 85 after all and this could very well be the beginning of the end for her since she’s not as active as Bob even if Bob is a few years older. Plus, she’s heavy. It isn’t just for her and her family’s sake that I hope nothing’s wrong but for my own selfish reasons as well. I don’t want to lose what’s turned out to be great neighbors. If one of them dies, the other may very well downsize to an apartment or something like that. I know how unlucky I usually am with neighbors. I don’t want someone moving in that’s going to be outside all the time making a racket, maybe have a mutt barking every time they walk it, and of course, the chances of them having a motorcycle or other loud vehicle are very good as well.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2018 Getting really fucking sick of that loud car that’s been coming around again…twice a day. Who the hell needs to visit their parents that often? Come on, once a week, cock!

I’m more worried they’re going to move back in.

But not as worried as I am about this constant fatigue that just goes on and on and on with seemingly no end. I wonder if I’m ever going to feel energized again in my life. If I can ever get a decent night’s sleep, that may help. I woke up just an hour or two after crashing and lay there for the better part of an hour. Finally got up and took baby Benadryl to knock me back out. My nose was a little sniffly and I was sneezing a bit anyway. I actually feel good emotionally now. I’m just always drained. Still a little off-balance as well.

It became obvious to me a long time ago for reasons I’ll probably never know that something up there definitely doesn’t want me taking advantage of this gated park for exercise on a regular basis so I no longer bother to plan or assume I’ll be doing that. That’s ok, though. It’s too noisy in the daytime and too cold at night. Besides, if I just do 20 minutes 6 days a week on the treadmill and 30 minutes 1 day, that totals the 2.5 hours the health specialists recommend we do in a week. Plus, I work my core and arms here and there.

I was going to order groceries from Safeway but they no longer have the Sizzling Wok or the mackerel that I really like so back to Walmart I went. Personally, I like their site layout the best anyway. I can organize favorites better with them. Just wish they, and other stores, would take better responsibility for keeping their items stocked.

Despite starting the first part of my day off very tired, I managed to meet today’s cleaning and exercise goals and will be taking it easy for the rest of the day. Tom should be leaving work soon and I started the final season (9) of the Forensic Files collection.

Amazingly, the Twenties haven’t taken on any projects this week. Just the usual traffic and landscaping sounds I hear out there when I step out of sound-machined areas.

I made my MO journal FO on Prosebox because I’m just not sure I really want to keep sharing with others there. Less editing if I just share with my trusted bestie and leave it at that. I appreciate her reading some of my stories as well. :-)

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2018 Slept shitty and woke up fatigued and still a bit dizzy. I stopped the Tacrolimus recently as I may have mentioned before but then I had to use it yesterday because I started getting more irritation and I woke up with a headache. Again I wonder if there’s a connection between that and the fatigue and dizziness, though I doubt it. Still gonna hold off on it and see if I can ever get over this cold first. It’s like yesterday’s activities really took a bite out of me and set me back.

So I saw Dr. A and told her how things have been these last 6 months and that I sometimes feel so anxious that I wish I was dead. Literally. She said that was worrisome and therefore she thinks I should see the shrink and therapist because she doesn’t believe it’s just about hormonal changes from me going into menopause. I figured as much. I always thought it seemed rather extreme for perimenopause/menopause and that if the medication wasn’t a factor, something else may be going on.

Dr. A looked me over really well and recommended Ocean Mist to help with any congestion in my nose or the tubes in my inner ears. They didn’t have that brand but when we went to get cold medicine for Tom, we got the same thing which is basically saline but in a different brand. When she looked in my good ear she said it looked fine.

While at Rite Aid, I also got this back massager that extends 23” and has these rubber rollers with “fingers” on it. I could have used that a couple of days ago when I had a backache.

Plus I got eight mini hair scrunchies each in a different color. I just think they should have made the pink lighter. It almost matches the red one as it’s such a dark shade of pink. It will match many of my outfits well, though.

Since I was getting anxious when I wasn’t on vitamin D and the Amberen says it contains vitamin E, I decided to go back on vitamin D to see if it will help with my sleep.

She did say you could get a cold that only included fatigue and dizziness when I asked since different viruses produce different symptoms. Definitely feel both of those right now and could only do 10 minutes on the treadmill. Tom thinks that if I add a few minutes a day, I’ll be better by the end of the week and I really hope he’s right!

They took my blood pressure twice and got a reading of 160/92 both times. My HR was in the 90s which is typical for me. Upon looking at my blood pressure history readings, Dr. A pointed out that it’s been erratic. It’s up down, up down every time I see her. Knowing and understanding my fear of medication, rather than give me something to take when it spikes, which she believes could cause my dizziness, we’re going to have me monitor my blood pressure a few times a day for two weeks using my wrist cuff device. Then I’m going to see the nurse on the 31st and she’s going to check the device and all that. This thing isn’t new but I don’t think it’s that old either. Neither of us could remember exactly when we got it but it was definitely sometime while we were in this house. The question is whether or not I’m holding my arm in the right position. With some of them, you have to cross your arm over your chest, and for others, you want to hold your palm upward.

She says that high blood pressure can’t cause anxiety but anxiety can cause high blood pressure. Yes, I have heard that stress and anxiety can raise blood pressure. Not sure what they’re going to do based on what my BP readings are for the rest of the year but I won’t see A Dr. till March. That’s still sooner than June but oh well.

So after going over my frustrations with her as far as anxiety medication I’ve had so far that either stopped working or had bad side effects, she said that even if I don’t get medication from the shrink, I should still schedule an appointment with her even though it will take months to get in to see her anyway. Maybe my knowing the appointment is out there in the future will help jinx the anxiety into staying away longer. As I told her, though, I know it’s coming back sooner or later and that’s hard on me as well. I either suffer or I worry that I’m going to suffer. The worst possible scenario is that I did develop an anxiety disorder independent of anything else after all, even if other sources can still fuel it and I’m now starting to suspect that sadly, that’s exactly what I did. Totally my shit luck too, to get something so horrible. I mean if there is a God up there, it totally would have me suffer this way, especially now that there are no money issues or other things to worry about these days. We may not have as much extra money as we’d like but we’re not struggling is what I mean. It’s so much worse than depression, too. Depression is absolutely horrible but it’s very straightforward; you’re simply depressed. Anxiety has a million different symptoms and many of them are batshit terrifying. Never before have I felt emotions that didn’t go with my life. Any depression or stress I felt in the past was due to something bad going on in my life. I don’t know, maybe there’s still hope of it going away someday. Maybe just like it one day appeared for no reason other than when the medication really was to blame for at least some of it, it will go away for no reason as well. At this point, it’s looking doubtful, though. Each year I have it, I lose hope and it seems less likely that it will go away. But I’m trying not to think of it in the form of forever otherwise those dark thoughts will be stirred up. I’ve got another quarter-century or so to live so to think that I could have this tormenting me on and off that long is no place I want my mind going if I don’t want to be suicidal.

As much as I like Stacey, she’s such a long drive out in Rocklin and the appointments do add up in both time and money, so we’re going to look into video therapy for me. Our provider has online therapists.

When we got to Dr. O’s medical building I recognized the same girl behind the desk from last time and said, “I remember you. Your favorite color is green.”

She was amazed by my memory. Yeah, wouldn’t it be nice if it was like that most of the time?

Anyway, it kind of sucks that I’ll miss Dr. O now that I’ve come to like her. I’ve always thought she was an amazing doctor and very knowledgeable but now I actually like her at least somewhat, LOL. But at this point, I should definitely never have to see her again.

I was checked in by yet another nurse I’d never seen before who was much more friendly and chatty than the last one. HR was still in the 90s but this time my upper BP number was in the 130s.

After waiting for a half-hour the doctor finally came in but then her cell phone rang and she stepped back out for another minute or two. Then she came in and apologized, saying she was coaching someone on something. I told her it was no problem. I mean after waiting for a half-hour, two additional minutes was nothing. I knew she would be late anyway because she always is. I even surprised Tom with a quick Skype message from the exam room only because I knew I would be in for quite a wait. I mostly did puzzles, though.

Dr. O’s demeanor was very different than the last time. She was much friendlier and supportive and seemed more understanding and empathetic than I ever remember her to be. Through my tears, there were also some jokes and laughter. Or more like smiles and chuckles.

Like with Dr. A, she doesn’t think the medication is the issue. I know damn well it was the first time I went on 75s and when she tried me on 88s. That was a no-brainer. But those symptoms were much more extreme and numerous than what I’ve been dealing with on and off for the last two years with waves of adrenaline stabbing in and out of the center of my chest. I suffered throughout most of this year. I only did well the first week of January, then from about June to the third week of August, and now since November 23rd or something like that.

I gave each doctor a printed copy of the overview of my symptoms over the last month.

Also like Dr. A, she thinks that it’s definitely time to get the psychiatrist involved and explained to me about the body’s natural norepinephrine, epinephrine, serotonin, etc, and how the shrink can find the proper balance biology-wise to get the right chemistry for me. She knows it’s been hard for me because of medication backfiring on me in the past. I also told her I still worry about my T4 hitting 1.4 because history has shown I definitely do have trouble if it gets that high. I’m hoping it will stay where it’s at and that my TSH will continue to fall but more than likely I should at least go up to 1.3. I’m hoping that on this dose I can no longer get to 1.4. She thinks I need 88s, but understandably, she would never suggest it with me in such an anxious state as I have been on and off for so long now. 88 would definitely normalize my numbers but there’s no way I’m going that high.

She says the biggest thing is accepting the problem and telling myself I don’t need to or deserve to suffer from anxiety and that I can and should get help. It’s definitely true that I’ve been not so much sweeping it under the rug as much as hoping it would go away on its own but it’s obviously not going to do that anytime soon if it ever does. As for why? I don’t know what to think anymore. Could be a combination of things or maybe I really did acquire a medical disorder as Dr. A thinks is possible as I said. If that’s the case and my brain chemistry suddenly “broke,” medication is probably the only thing that can fix it or at least keep me from feeling the symptoms. I just hope we can find something without side effects or at least side effects that go away and that are tolerable until they do! It would be even better if I could take something on an as-needed basis rather than a preventative one but I can’t imagine what that may be. But there are a whole shitload of medications out there for the different emotional disorders.

She reminded me that I should never look at a list of side effects when taking new medications because with my phobia it plants a seed in my mind and I’ll think I’m feeling them. So true, too!

She wants me to go to the lab on or after January 7th because then it will be six weeks back on the 75s. I told her how our insurance no longer covers labs and that we’re planning to switch to a plan where we pay for everything until we meet a certain deductible. Then she gave me the name of a lab that’s cheaper. They give their results to Quest but Quest may not contact them so I’ll have to contact her over the portal with the results.

As she wrote these things down on a piece of paper for me I said, “Well, at least you’re optimistic,” and pointed out that that’s what the upward slant of the lines of her writing is supposed to mean. She got a kick out of that one, haha.

I think I pretty much covered the main highlights of our discussion but if I remember anything else I can add it in future entries. I did say on the way out that hopefully I’d never have to see her again and she jokingly said, “I won’t take that personally.”

LOL.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2018 Feeling a little better today than yesterday but I’m still dizzy. At least the doctor can tell me tomorrow if I have an inner ear infection or not. Not looking forward to the appointments, though, especially Dr. O.

Tom is getting over his own cold and has a stuffy nose and some sneezing. I still never got any kind of sneezing or coughing. Just fatigue and dizziness.

We went to Sam’s Club yesterday and to Safeway today. Got some hot food as well as a vanilla bean bath bomb because my skin is really dry. Not sure I smelled the vanilla in it but it helps my skin.

I switched back to my quilt and blanket combo because that’s just what I’m used to. I’ll be relieved after tomorrow’s appointments are out of the way and to be sleeping mostly at night so I don’t have to bother with the earbuds. Really hope these appointments don’t spawn anymore. I hope I don’t have to see Dr. O again and that Dr. A can wait until June.

Exchanged a few quick messages with Lori on Facebook and of course Kim and Aly. Maybe Kim does have some empathy within her after all because she was riding with some people to a dance that those in the Special Olympics partake in and they hit and killed a deer and she was “heartbroken,” she said. No one was hurt but the van sustained some damage and Carol and Sarah came and got her.

Aly’s doing shitty because she’s worried about her father and she has iron issues which cause her to be dizzy as well.

Last night I dreamed I was having a video chat with my very alive parents for the first time. I set up my laptop facing what appeared to be a small apartment. I was in the kitchen and the living room extended off of it and there was a slider at the end. I asked them if they could see all the way down to the slider.

I wore my hot pink tank dress and my hair was almost to my waist and parted in the middle. I slowly turned around and said, “Here’s a 360-degree view of me.”

Then when we were done, Dad had trouble getting up from whatever he’d been sitting in and I said something like, “They make gaming chairs so maybe they’ll eventually make web chatting chairs.”

In reality, my hair really is getting close to my waist. Such a pain in the ass too, but I’m not ready to cut it.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2018 “They’ll never notice.”

Wrong again! Eileen noticed as well. She sent me a message wishing me a happy belated birthday and saying she was sorry she hasn’t been more communicative with me as over the last two years when a lot has happened to her to cause her to turn inward and focus on herself. I can relate to turning inward and have become less active on social media, preferring to mostly write anonymously or for those I’m closest to. That way I feel I can be more open and I’m not likely to get any advice I might be dumb enough to take.

Also, Eileen’s mother died last year. She lived with her for 24 years and Eileen was her primary caretaker. Damn! That’s a long time. Add that to her years as a kid and that’s like two-thirds of her life with her mother, a mother she actually got along with.

So I apologized profusely for deleting her and getting the wrong idea. I really thought she was just sick of me but didn’t have the heart to say so. She said she thinks of me every time she burns my wonderful incense, LOL.

I’m just now starting to feel better and I really hope it stays that way too, and that I don’t relapse! Tom still thinks it’s a cold and this one just didn’t happen to have congestion, coughing or sneezing. I could sort of feel some allergies draining in the back of my throat, though.

I did more research on both the ACV shots and Tacrolimus ointment and they both say they can cause my symptoms. The ACV shots can deplete you of iodine, and I wasn’t measuring the one to two tablespoons you’re supposed to have either, I’ll admit. I would just open a 33-oz. bottle of flavored sparkling water at the beginning of my day and pour some in. So I could have been overdoing it. Since I don’t have labs anytime soon, I’ve stopped the shots for now.

Tom doesn’t think it’s the Tacrolimus making me sick because of how long I’ve been on it and because those symptoms are usually within the first few days. I started off really out of it and dizzy today but I am getting better so I’m not sure whether or not I’m going to take a break from the Tacrolimus or not. I use such a teeny tiny amount anyway that it does seem kind of odd that it would do that all of a sudden whereas the burning from the steroids after a while made more sense. I just miss the days when I knew what I had or at least didn’t care. Trauma changes everything.

So glad it’s almost the weekend! Looking forward to getting out of here even if it’s just to go to stores. It will sort of be like a three-day weekend for us since I have two appointments on Monday.

For the end of my day yesterday the neck knockers came knocking but just when I thought they were going to wake me up, they backed off. Still not exactly sure what causes this but I do intend to bring it up to the doctor.

Ended up falling asleep around 3 p.m. and woke up at 6 to pee. Then I woke up for a second at 9 and 10 and got up at midnight. This is pretty normal for me. Most people my age don’t sleep straight through, anyway. As long as I’m in a deep enough sleep and I can fall back asleep right away when I do wake up, I’m usually okay.

I’m using my second Twitter account to keep track of my health. I made it public since it’s nothing that has to be kept secret, but I’m not going to follow anyone who follows me.

On the way to work this morning, Tom found the car leaking water like crazy so he added more water and was able to get to work okay. Really hope it holds up while we’re still in the state because we don’t really plan on getting a new car until we move. This time around we’re probably going to ship our belongings in containers through a shipment company to a storage place until we get settled wherever we’re going to end up. Initially, we’ll probably have to start off in hotels and then renting apartments or condos. Sure wish I had these sleeping earbuds when we were last in hotels when we came to this damn state 12 years ago!

I put my winter rose blanket on now that I’m not so hot flashy. If I don’t like it, I’ll switch back to the blanket and quilt combo.

Managed to get more done than expected this morning. I changed sheets, did laundry, did a few exercises and cooked some chicken wings.

The bulk trash people didn’t come till a little while ago but someone took the bike yesterday. We were kind of surprised since it’s just a cheap old Walmart bike he got in 2005 and the tires were rotted. It was sad for Tom in a way because he loved that bike and loved riding to and from work back up in Oregon. Shasta Way got him in really good shape. I don’t miss the Arctic climate but I miss some aspects of our lives up there as well. Not in the duplex but in the house, of course. Life wasn’t perfect. There was some barking and a shitload of loud car stereos but I still didn’t need glasses, I was healthy, and except for TMJ I didn’t know was TMJ, we did have some fun moments in Klamath Falls. Even watching Tinkerbell’s old cage go was a bit sad, even if we wanted to get rid of the old rusty thing.

Speaking of places we’ve lived in the past, we were back in Jesse’s trailer in my dreams last night even if things were different. The trailer pretty much looked the same but I was 37 years old and getting rid of an old nightgown I’d had since my twenties.

I walked out of the bedroom and through the living room where Tom was softly snoring on the futon. I went into the kitchen and instead of looking through the end window at just grassy hills with scattered trees, a group of young people in their early twenties were heading for a night out. We said hello to each other through the open window.

I seemed to be happy to be back there even though I knew it was just temporary and was surprised that Jesse even took us back after the less-than-kind letter I sent him shortly after we moved out over 5 years ago. I reminded myself that things had changed, even there, as I gazed up at a large sign on the summit that wouldn’t really be there in reality, of course, because it was all private property. Yet I found myself wishing we could stay somehow.

Then off in the distance, I heard a woman shout for help. Tom woke up from his nap a few minutes later and I told him about the screaming. He reminded me that things were different now.

“So you really think it was a woman screaming for help?” I asked him, and he nodded.

It was still quieter overall and I’d only heard two planes throughout the night. But I knew we couldn’t stay and eventually, we had to move on.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2018 The vent dog came yesterday and is very beautiful and realistic looking. My next Bing points goal is a winter nightgown, then I’ll be after this beautiful garden fairy, only I’ll keep it indoors.

Every few months he gets a surprise electronics package and one of the items contained a really cool crystal cube. We’re not sure what it’s for but it’s totally me. So are the three colorful shiny prism stickers.

They gave them all hot chocolate at work yesterday plus a few goodies to take home. One is a large mug that could almost serve as a bowl, hot chocolate, candy canes, and chocolate kisses along with a silver glitter ornament.

Walmart fucked up in our favor because they threw in a bag of chocolate-covered raisins. Tom wouldn’t touch them of course, but I’m enjoying them on and off.

I’m going easy on the food, though, because to my surprise, my weight is down a bit and I’d like to keep it that way. It’s mostly because I’ve been feeling like shit. It’s like I’m too tired to live. Forget about being too tired to feed myself. Yesterday was the first day I started feeling a little better and I didn’t have to take a nap so I thought today I would be even better. Wrong! I’m horribly fatigued and I slept horribly on and off for nearly 11 hours. Then I took a nap for about an hour after being up for a few hours and I still feel totally out of it and kind of light-headed too. It’s sort of a cross between light-headed and dizzy. I know I definitely came down with something, I just don’t know for sure what it is.

This was the second day in a row that I woke up with a bad headache too. We’re thinking I must have congestion in my head even though my nose isn’t stuffy and I’m not sneezing or coughing. It’s mostly been major fatigue, chills, and some dizziness, though the chills have backed off. I don’t know if the shot had anything to do with it but I would have to say no since it’s been nearly two weeks.

During one of the many times I woke up, I remembered a dream I had in detail but now I don’t remember anything. I know I also had a dream about Kathleen and it seemed like it was negative. I just don’t remember in what way.

Anyway, words can’t express just how frustrating it is to be bogged down with fatigue like this so often. It’s like something wants me to spend half my life bedridden or at least not have enough energy to live up to my full potential. When I bitched about being bored the other day and wanting a break from my regular routine, this wasn’t what I had in mind.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2018 I’m just now starting to feel better but only a tiny bit. I’m still weak and tired and pretty out of it. But I’m just enough better to tell that I’m better if that makes any sense.

Because I was sick I didn’t work my core much so I started getting lower backaches. That’s something I can do almost every day, even on days I don’t feel that good. It’s doing cardio regularly that I don’t always have the energy for. So as soon as I’m better I’ll do my one cardio workout for the week and maybe a second one a day or two later and leave it at that rather than keep trying to do what my body can no longer do, as I said before.

I’ve been on this trend of sleeping shitty as hell. I went to insert the earbud in my good ear and it hurt like I had an earache all of a sudden. A sharp cramp that’s probably connected to my cold. So I took those out and put the headband with the speakers in it but it was pretty worthless. Unless I’m laying directly on my good ear, they don’t do me any good. I heard every fucking loud vehicle that passed by. Oh, how I miss the days when I didn’t notice traffic! We’ve got the technology yet we keep making our vehicles louder and louder. And it’s all for show. Just desperate people who have to get the attention of everyone and anyone they can no matter who it affects. On top of that, it’s barely after 6 a.m. and it’s already a bad plane morning. The planes weren’t as bad yesterday morning as I thought they would be, though.

Unable to sleep with the headband, I took the speaker that sits on the floor and put it between the two pillows which are basically by my head. I hated to sleep to such loud white noise hissing in my ear but it was either that or keep being woken by loud vehicles. It’s really sad that this is what the world’s come to and I gotta fight for the right to sleep. It’s bad enough that I wake up just because or pee as often as I do. I didn’t realize the Amberen had been helping that much with my sleep but just as soon as the anxiety comes back, and I know it will, I’ll go back on that. I also woke up cold a few times as well as warm. There’s always something. Always. I swear something up there doesn’t want me sleeping well. At least not for long.

We’re going to be getting up to 60° today. It’s going to be a very noisy day too, because on top of the regular landscaping and traffic, the bulk pickup trash collectors are coming. We’ve got a small old silver metal cage that we got up in Oregon and that has calcium buildup on it as well as rust out by the road to be picked up as well as the red bike he also got while we were up there. The one he took to work at MCX rather than re-registering the truck in such a tiny town.

Damn, I miss some aspects of our lives up there! I hated the climate and the lack of stores and a few other things but there were a lot of fun moments up there as well. I know I’ve said that these last few years my life has been the best it’s been but technically it hasn’t. Financially it’s been the best but that’s about it. I’m only 53 and already I wonder why they call the Golden Years the Golden Years. What could possibly be “golden” about them other than that you don’t have to work?

I really do miss some aspects of my old life and the old me. Hell, I miss staring at pictures. The kind with attractive ladies so hot I could stare for hours conjuring up all kinds of scenarios both intimate and not in my mind. But those days are long gone.

I’m not sure what to do about Tammy and the girls. I never heard from Etta but I don’t know if that’s because she hasn’t checked her messages, hasn’t used her account or is simply ignoring me. She may be suspicious and paranoid and think I have some hidden motive and that I’m actually against her. But should I block Tammy and the girls and make it harder for them to contact me in the future should they ever decide to do so? I’m just not sure what to do. I thought of sharing those journals with them but something tells me that’s not a wise idea at this time. They love to call the pigs every time they get pissed at someone, so since they know where I live, it may be best to wait. When we move and my sister is still very much alive, then maybe.

Saw a video of Molly. OMG, if I thought she stalked me for so long, poor Roman! This is a guy I guess she once dated. Well, he blocked her Twitter account so she created another one to continue stalking him from and created a video begging to be friendly again and her usual shit. I don’t see why Aly thinks she’s changed for the better. The only thing better is that she hasn’t stalked me but she knows that I won’t put up with it like I was dumb enough to in the past. Or she’ll at least find that out real fast if she ever does fixate on me again.

She’s pretty ugly and those cat eye frames that she wears are all wrong for her eyes which slant in the opposite direction. She doesn’t sound like I expected her to sound, though. There’s no southern drawl and her voice itself doesn’t sound as expected. I don’t know what I did expect but it wasn’t what I heard.

We’ve got groceries being delivered today and the vent dog should arrive as well but not before I crash.

It’s so weird looking at the rats’ cage and no one’s there. Just a giant, empty, lonely cage. But I still hesitate to get new rats for a few reasons. We’ve had horrible rat luck in this state with only a couple of exceptions. I don’t know why it is but we just keep getting timid ones that aren’t nearly as friendly as they could be. Rats also need time and attention and I don’t know that I have the energy anymore to devote myself to them. If they’re on the shy side then it doesn’t take much energy because they’re not going to want to play with you. But they’re still going to want to spend time outside of the cage and while they don’t have to be watched every single second, I still have to focus on them somewhat. They’re not like hamsters and gerbils but more like cats and dogs. So they don’t like to be ignored.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2018 Well, Shannon, your “God” was wrong. I’m not okay. I’m alive but I’m not “okay.”

I not only lost Dumbo tonight, the last of the ratties, but I still feel totally out of it and like I haven’t slept in days. Hip and upper right stomach pain are better and I don’t get the chills I was getting before, but I still feel like a battery that’s virtually out of juice. Just totally drained to hell.

I’ve come to believe that if there is any kind of God above it must be a real coward and a real hater because it takes an awful lot of cowardice and hatred to sit back and allow some people to suffer as it does. Whether or not it actually makes the bad things that happen to us happen or it just sits back and allows them to is a very cowardly and mean-spirited thing to do. I still think there probably isn’t a God but if there is, I certainly can’t imagine ever worshipping, praising or respecting it in any way. Not after all I’ve gone through and have seen others go through as well.

Backing up to when we were heading from the car to the lab. I heard the loud caw of a crow and wondered if something bad would happen since many people seem to believe the sound or sight of a crow is a bad omen. Well, I can’t say cemeteries are bad since our lives were pretty good when we last lived near one in Oregon, but so far crows definitely don’t seem to bring good luck. Right after I heard the damn thing, they had issues getting blood from me and that’s about when I really started feeling ill too. I still feel like shit. I’m totally depleted of energy and it’s taking all I’ve got just to do this entry which I’ve been working on little by little.

I’m sure the plane frenzy will start up any minute now. Three nights ago they stopped around midnight after coming every 30 to 60 minutes and then it was one after another after 5 a.m. The last two nights and mornings I didn’t hear anything and it was wonderful but last night they were back at it until around midnight, and any second now, I’m sure it’ll be one after another.

Anyway, I’m so tired of being forced to work out part-time that that’s just what I’m going to do. Given how many years I haven’t been able to work out the 5 days a week I’d like to most weeks, I realize that I’m never getting better. I may get some of my energy back but for the most part, I’m just not going to have the energy I had 20 years ago. Like it or not, I am starting to get older and therefore I can’t expect to do the things I used to do. Or at least not as often. I just don’t have that kind of energy anymore. It’s like something wants me to work out part-time so if that’s what’s meant to be, then part-time it is. Instead of striving for 5 days a week, I’m just going to plan on working out once or twice a week and leave it at that. No more trying to do what I’m never going to be able to do again. At my age, it’s pretty much all downhill from here. It’s just a question of how steep that hill is going to be. But I’m never going to get better as I said. It’s hard to accept this but I have no choice but to do so. I’m never going to have my old energy. I’m never going to have perfect vision again. Never going to have the memory I once had. Definitely felt my best in my thirties and most of my forties but those days are never coming back. So onward and forward. It’s all I can do. Just got to make the best of my limitations and I definitely have a limited supply of energy these days. I’d say that at least half the time I don’t have good energy. Today I feel like I only slept two hours. In reality, I slept for about 8 hours, then I got up and showered and ate. Then I ended up napping for an hour or two. I need to stay up until 10 a.m., preferably noon, due to my appts. Most of my time will be spent lying around listening to my audiobook. There isn’t anything else I need to do at the moment anyway, energy or not.

Even though it’s a little harder to keep track of what I’ve returned, I signed up for a free month of Kindle Unlimited. I really like Jon Athan and so I’m diving into his books. There have only been a couple I couldn’t get into. I thought it was $15 a month but it’s $10 a month. I definitely like this better than my perfume subscription, which was the same price, even though I’ve liked all the samples I’ve been sent.

OMG, I’m so backed up that I didn’t even write about my lab results yet. They’re both good and shitty. It’s shitty that my TSH is still high, though it is coming down. It’s down to 22. T3 is still low but my T4 is up to 1.2.

The best news is that my cholesterol has improved significantly! It’s still bad enough that they would want me on statins but not crazy bad. So the ACV shots do help. If only I could lose 30 pounds or so. That might actually normalize it. Out of the question, though.

I got reminders for both appointments. The automated reminders will come next in a day or two. The woman from Dr. O’s office also wanted to remind me that lab work needed to be done for that appointment. I sure hope she knows I just went on the 6th because I’m not going again!

Again I wonder if the neck knockers are sodium-induced because I overdid the sodium on Saturday and the fucking neck knockers woke me up twice. Definitely gotta bring that up to Dr. A.

Tom helped me dye my hair Sunday night and at about 3 in the morning, we went to Walgreens to pick up some treats.

We were going to go to Safeway a few hours later for the orange juice I started craving as I sometimes do when I’m sick. By then I was too sick to go out again so he was kind enough to run up and get it for me.

Okay, I think I’m caught up enough to call this an entry. I only remember one dream from the other night. I forgot to take notes on last night’s dream when I got up so I can’t remember what it was about. But two nights ago I had a dream that I took a bus somewhere out of town and was returning to the bus station. We passed rows of parked buses as we entered the terminal. A woman sitting next to me befriended me who that hideously ugly but very nice. I had no ride home and she offered to take me which I really appreciated.

We got off the bus and I followed her into a small pastry shop. We looked in the case at all these colorful and fancy goodies… Cakes, cookies, cupcakes… And I said something about how I love rainbows and bright colors.

Then she surprised me by going behind the counter and putting an apron on.

“You work here?” I asked.

“Yep,” she said and then began waiting on customers with another employee while I watched from the sidelines.

Soon I realized I was getting very tired and I asked when we were leaving. She said in a few hours, leaving me to wonder what I would do to kill time as exhausted as I was getting.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2018 “They’ll never notice.”

Well, I sure got that wrong! Kim noticed. She wished me a happy birthday and asked what I did that day and how things were going. I quickly felt like an idiot for unfriending her and apologized right away, saying that I thought she was sick of me and that this was why I hadn’t heard from her. If I had the memory I used to have I would have remembered that she was in a very bad car accident and things aren’t the same for her any more than they are for me. She once loved being an RN but now she’s forced to settle for menial jobs like at Yankee Candle Company and she’s working at an animal shelter. She does love animals so I don’t know that that’s much of a settlement. But life definitely isn’t usually what we plan it to be.

I’m sure Aly didn’t plan to be moving back in with her parents, however temporary it may be. She can’t afford to renew the lease on her studio so she moved back in with them not just to save money but so she can help her dad recover from back surgery. She’ll stay with her boyfriend on weekends. She hesitates to move in with him so soon after moving in too soon with her former BF and GF was a bust. As I told her, though, if it’s meant to be, it will work out regardless of when they live together, not that they won’t have some disagreements as all couples do. At least she has someone who can perform and has a normal appetite for his age. Well, that’s the impression I get. Ah, but is he as smart and as accepting as my guy? Is anyone?

So I reconnected with Kim and told her that I have all kinds of things going on as well and that I miss the days when asthma and allergies were my worst problems. Now it’s one thing after another on top of the usual and yet again I wonder if life is worth living. I’m getting awfully bored with life anyway and I don’t see much hope for many new and exciting changes ahead, so why live to suffer?

I’m getting behind so I’ll back up to yesterday. I didn’t feel well enough to blog yesterday. I got up, went to the lab, and then Tom reminded me to hold the paper we printed out in front of their tablet to speed up the process of checking in for my appointment. I totally forgot about that and I never would have remembered if he hadn’t said anything. This brain fog seems a bit extreme lately even for being hypo and sometimes it’s not just frustrating but worrisome. I really hope nothing else is wrong as I’ve had enough shit!

A guy who was temporary and therefore not allowed to use butterfly needles tried to get blood out from my inner elbow with a regular needle to no avail. Then he got a really friendly black girl named Shannon and she had no luck either with a butterfly needle. She had to get it from my hand. She was so nice and sweet, though. She could see that I was on the verge of tears between not feeling well and all that was going on and she gave me a big hug as I stood up to leave. She told me she was there five days a week and that I could request her. I’ll remember that next time I schedule an appointment which hopefully won’t be until June unless Dr. O wants me to go before then.

She asked me if I was spiritual and I said, “Not really.” Then she told me that God told her to tell me I would be okay and that she would pray for me. Even though I don’t believe any God that may exist gives a shit about me, it was a very kind thing to say and I really appreciated it. So I left with my “battle scars.” You could see red lines where the tourniquet was on my upper arm as well as my wrist since they had to tie it so tight.

They only took two tubes because this isn’t time for blood cell counts and all that like I thought it was. That’s not until June. I forgot whether it’s June or December since I can’t remember shit.

So we got back home and I indulged in cholesterol and then I noticed I felt extremely fatigued. I was freezing as hell, too. I noticed I’ve had some intense chills since getting the flu shot and my overall feeling in my head felt almost like I had a cold or something but now I’m pretty sure that the flu shot gave me the flu. Or at least flu symptoms. The symptoms I have seem more like the flu rather than a cold. I don’t have a fever but I’m extremely cold and tired.

Still getting hip pain toward the end of my day as well, but the weather has pretty much been ruled out as a cause since we’ve dried up again.

I slept on and off for somewhere between 10 and 11 hours and I’m still feeling pretty out of it. I even have a cramp-like pain in the area where my liver is located and I wonder if it’s from all the Ibuprofen. Even my pee smelled a little strange earlier.

I’m never going to get a flu shot again. If I’m going to feel this bad from it, then I might as well actually get it, though it’s unlikely that I would. I know I can catch something anytime I go out in public but I definitely regret getting this one for sure. I’m also a bit worried about how long the symptoms have lasted. I read 24 to 48 hours after getting the shot but now it’s been a week.

I’m just so fucking sick of suffering. Just so fucking sick of it. Ever since we came to this house I’ve dealt with noise unlike the noisiest of places I’ve ever lived in before, including apartments and projects, and I’ve suffered tremendously.

I looked on Google Maps at the house we rented for 2 years in Oregon where our lives were good for the most part and it was just as close, if not maybe a tiny bit closer, to a cemetery than we are here. So I don’t think that has anything to do with it but I can’t help but wonder if there’s something else connected to the house that’s been picking on me. I just can’t imagine what it could be if there is or why. I guess I’ll never know until we move, assuming I survive to see that day happen. Sometimes I really do just want to end it all and I’ve definitely been thinking about it more and more. No one wants to live just to suffer. That’s simply no way to live. It’s no “life.” But I’m afraid that if I don’t die soon I’ll live another 20-something years to do just that. I know it’s only a matter of time before I come down with some new disease or condition that’s treatable but not curable.

I don’t know if I can believe the results since wrist blood pressure cuffs aren’t as accurate, but I seem to have high blood pressure most of the time I check, I still have that strange bounding pulse here and there, and a whole host of other things that make life a bitch. It’s like something up there has said, “Well, if she can’t be anxious right now I’ll just make her feel like she has the flu.”

It’s like something really is determined to see that I suffer. But what or who is it and why? I still don’t know if I believe in any God or spirits but this definitely does seem to go beyond simple bad luck that I wonder if something is planning to send me to hell in the afterlife and this is its way of showing me that things could be worse, as I’ve already learned since even my worst of problems in the past doesn’t seem nearly this bad. So I wonder, is it just making things shitty here with plans to make my existence in an afterlife shittier than the shittiest experience a human could experience while they’re alive? Or maybe the afterlife, if there is one, is going to be so damn good that it’s determined to prolong my suffering as long as it can to delay my getting there. I just don’t know what to think anymore but ending up in some kind of eternal hell that makes these days seem heavenly is one of my worst fears.

Till then I would really love to live somewhere where I didn’t have just a few good scattered days, I was further from the street and one that wasn’t so busy as loud as so many vehicles are these days, and I also wish I could go longer than an hour without hearing a fucking plane. It’s definitely at its quietest around here between midnight and 6am.

Okay, after a long night of pain, fatigue, depression and more, I’m going to have to get to the cawing crow later.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2018 Andy believed that when we think of someone we know, they somehow sense it and think of us in return. I don’t know why, but for some reason, Dr. A has been on my mind and I wonder if it’s because it’s getting close to my appointment. Probably so. I even dreamed of her last night. Instead of going to a building in a nice area to see her and then being brought into the exam room by the nurse, I either walked or took a bus to a small dumpy building in a seedy section of town. Once I entered the exam room, she was already present and talking to one of her staff. I sat in the chair by her desk and waited for them to finish. When the person she was talking to left the room, I noticed her nails and said, “Oh, colors”, referring to her unusually colorful nails.

Then her nails grew an inch in two seconds and I asked her if it was hard to do things with nails that long. She said it wasn’t really.

Our forearms rested on her desk, fingertips touching, and I moved my hand away because it felt a bit weird and I didn’t want her to feel weird either.

Anyway, I wonder if I’ve been popping into her mind at all since she’s been popping into mine? If that’s the case, then I should be on Dr. O’s mind as well.

I don’t hear much of the freeway tonight but as usual, I can’t even go an hour, if even that, without hearing a plane. I still don’t understand why we suddenly have all these commercials flying over us like we have these last few months. Go fly over someone else’s head!

Yesterday I spent at least half of the day absolutely freezing. I’d be bundled up and under the covers as well but still freezing my ass off. I wasn’t anxious but I felt myself getting a little bored and depressed and the hip pain I had didn’t help either.

Today I don’t have pain yet and made sure to walk a half-hour, and will probably walk more later, just in case it has anything to do with not being mobile enough. Thank God for deserts just in case it has to do with the weather. If it is arthritis and the weather has been a factor, then Florida may be out of the question. I sure hope not!

No intense cold feelings yet today. Just a little fatigue. I wonder if the intense cold could be from the flu shot but it’s been since the first since I got the shot, and I didn’t feel cold 2 days ago. I really do seem to have bipolar health. This means that since I feel okay today I’ll probably feel like shit physically and emotionally tomorrow. It wouldn’t surprise me if I was in for pain later on toward the end of my day but I sure hope not.

Still not sleeping as well as I’d like. Because I wake up in the middle of my sleep and am not able to fall back asleep right away, it causes me to end up sleeping later than usual. Tomorrow he’s probably going to have to wake me up at 3:15 because I’m not sure I’ll be up before then for my 4:00 lab appointment. I can just imagine how shitty my numbers will be, too. No point in continuing with the raw ACV shots if it doesn’t turn out to help my cholesterol much. Statins are probably the only way I can get it under control but I’m not brave enough to go that route just yet. I would still prefer to wait until he’s retired and home all the time.

When I woke up in the middle of my sleep I had a bit of hip pain so I took Ibuprofen. I’ve got to remember to stop eating after 4 a.m. as this is a fasting lab because of the lipid panel. I’ll probably take some Benadryl before bed, though, to help lessen my chance of waking up too soon. Grateful for my sleeping earbuds so I don’t have to deal with the fucking traffic.

I was surprised when I read that middle age is considered between 45 and 65. I thought it was more like 35 to 55, maybe 60, but then we are living longer these days. Knowing how unlucky the number 4 is, I dread my next birthday as well as any year with the number 4 in it! Hate that fucking number. It’s no wonder so much of my life has sucked since I was born on the 4th. On the other hand, Alyssa sure seems to have it great for having a 4 in her birthdate as well.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2018 I finally managed to convince myself to get up and hit the treadmill which is where I am right now as I do this entry. I’m just taking it slow.

Unlike yesterday when I felt good physically and emotionally, I feel pretty out of it today. I did wake up in the middle of my sleep but I didn’t take Benadryl. Instead, I had hip pain and took one ibuprofen because I’ve found that that’s all I need to kill that pain which has been every fucking day for a few weeks now. I’ve thought of everything it could possibly be and unfortunately, arthritis is the only thing that comes to mind. I don’t think I’m underdoing the exercise and I’m definitely not overdoing it lately either. If anything, I’ve been a bit lazy.

As I said, I woke up feeling out of it today. I don’t know why I keep going back and forth like this but today was one of those days where I almost felt like I slept shitty or only for a few hours and like I’m on the verge of a cold. I have no energy and I’m cold no matter how bundled up I am. Yet no test has ever shown me to have anemia either. Going to be going to the lab on Thursday and it’s that time of year where they test everything they normally test for and then some.

Felt a little depressed but nothing too major. When I was chatting with Tom when he got home from work, I was telling him that I definitely felt best in my thirties. By then I had quit smoking so my asthma and allergies had improved, I didn’t need glasses yet, I was still thin, I still had a libido and a working thyroid. I usually slept the whole night through and didn’t suffer so much fatigue and lightheadedness. If I was depressed or anxious, it was for a reason and not just because. The anxiety back then was a joke compared to how extreme it’s been these last few years.

I might have to stop walking because I’ve got shooting pains down my right thigh. Sciatic nerve? Could be but I don’t know. Seems more of a joint thing than anything else but sometimes the pain isn’t concentrated. It sort of radiates in the upper thigh and groin area, and according to my research, that could be arthritis.

Another thing is that I’m getting bored more often, longing for something new, different and exciting to be thrown into the usual grind for variety’s sake, but this is something that’s a lot easier to wish for than to actually have happen.

Okay, the pain stopped. I’ll walk a bit more.

Taking Ibuprofen every day can’t be good for me so I want to wait until it’s closer to bedtime.

Although I slept most of my birthday, I enjoyed the birthday “cards” I got in both English and German. Tammy and my nieces not acknowledging my birthday is yet another classic example of how self-absorbed they really are. They probably would have if we were still connected, but if they weren’t so stuck on themselves they would have remembered the date. Tammy probably remembered even if she didn’t reach out to me because she supposedly “won’t be around long.”

The schedule predictor program can predict half a year out, so we’ve found, but not a year. It said I’d be getting up at 10:30 PM on the 4th. It was off by nearly 9 hours.

Tom and I were also talking about the lack of universal healthcare in this country and how someone was saying that Canada isn’t as wonderful as you may think because they have to wait longer for things. Yeah, but wouldn’t it be better to wait longer for what you need than to never be able to get it at all because you can’t afford it? This is part of why I wonder if maybe we should get out of the country when he retires. We’re not going to have as much money as he’s making now and I don’t want to lose a big chunk of it to medical expenses.

The book I’m reading, Miss Vengeance, is awesome. I love the way she’s looked up sex offenders online, tracked them down, and is giving them true justice that no court would ever give them. Funny too, because these have been on my list of dark fantasies in the past where I take my anger, frustration or whatever out on not good, decent innocent people but someone who really deserves to suffer. The only problem is that they’re still monitored a little closer than normal and it would be just my shit luck that I got caught torturing the fuckers. Not worth the risk. Even Tom said so when I once brought it up to him.

The fucking shower stall in the master bathroom is still leaking. I just can’t figure out how since there are no pipes in the wall where it’s at. Yet I can clearly see the water bleeding out between the floor and quarter round on the wall that divides the bathroom and kitchen. Maybe it’s coming down where the handles are and rolling over into that area. Either way, why are we always so damn cursed with leaks? Oh well. I don’t want to deal with it. I’ll just use the other shower which I like better anyway until it too, goes to hell and we’re forced to deal with it.

The tea and the 10-minute walk I just did warmed me up, but I still don’t feel all that great overall physically or emotionally. Definitely seem to be worse when I’m on nights.

Oh, hey, I just read that sciatic nerve issues usually affect only one leg at a time and go away after a few days. The fact that this pain is even, along with the location, smacks of arthritis. Just read that inflammatory arthritis can cause fatigue, too.

I feel really out of it, almost like I have a cold. I don’t understand why I go back and forth like this and I wonder if that funny feeling I sometimes get in my head, especially when I first stand up where my hearing temporarily diminishes, could be connected. Read up on that too, and it seems to be connected to a drop in blood pressure upon standing up.

I didn’t even have this kind of fatigue back when I would have PMS regularly. There are other symptoms like fever and weight loss which I definitely don’t have, but not everyone gets all the symptoms. Becky has rheumatoid arthritis which is also a type of inflammation and she definitely doesn’t have any weight loss issues at over 200 pounds. Losing weight would definitely help my joints but that’s not possible so that’s not an option for me.

For now, I guess I just suffer for another 24 years unless my guess is right. Unless I die of a sudden and unexpected stroke or heart attack before I’m 77, that’s about how old I expect to live as I’m guessing Tom will make it to around 85.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2018 My God, I’m so sick of Walmart begging for tips for their drivers every time we go to their site! Tipping is wrong. It should be the EMPLOYER’S responsibility to pay their employees. Not the customers. We pay for the goods. That’s enough.

All but one of the people I expected not to get a “happy birthday” from blew off my birthday. The only one that surprised me was Carolyn. I was blown off by some people I didn’t expect to be blown off by like Norma and Jessie, but they’re not very active on Facebook so they may have missed the notification. Adonis and Mitch shouldn’t have missed it but they do interact with me from time to time, so no hard feelings. So along with a couple of ghostly PBers, Kim and Eileen have been deleted. They’ll never notice.

Anne said she thought I was between 30-35. LOL, that’s the second PBer that thought that.

Last night I dreamed that the Twenties were still our neighbors only we lived in an apartment building. We were on the ground floor but they were a couple of apartments away. Even so, I could still hear all the annoying pounding of hammers and other tools as people came to upgrade their place.

It was also my birthday in the dream and I stepped outside my apartment when the mailman (I guess it was the mailman unless it was just left there by the door) gave me a 6-foot balloon which I knew came from McDonald’s because it had the McDonald’s logo on it. I was delighted and pleased and noticed that someone put a dozen or so tea bags in a pouch attached to the balloon. I had no idea who sent it but I knew they had to know me well enough to know I drink tea.

Then I was swimming in the ocean with the Twenties. I told them that even though my birthday was today and they weren’t that much older than me, I felt like they were my parents. LOL

Then I looked around and realized I couldn’t make out the shore in any direction because we’d swum so far out. Realizing it was going to be dark soon, we decided to head for shore in the direction we were pretty sure we’d come from.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2018 Going to do some writing before the planes get annoying. Haven’t been up in the early morning hours lately to know how they’ve been during those times, but for the last few nights, between 8 and midnight they’re annoying as hell. I think the commercials are actually worse than the small planes because the small planes are easier to drown out.

Damn, though! I can’t get any peace here day or night. I didn’t get up until noon and while I don’t think I heard any landscaping, I heard plenty of loud vehicles, including some asshole gunning his motorcycle which I could hear loud and clear over the treadmill I was on at the time, and sawing at the project junkies. I thought they were done with this latest project but I guess not. Thank God there’s no room for a garage over there because that’s something I could totally see them getting. Maybe they’ll build a patio enclosure instead.

Sure enough, when I commented on a post of Carolyn’s, she either “liked” or replied to everyone but me, so I deleted it. I’m not going to interact with those that don’t interact with me. Period. if I don’t hear from you, you don’t hear from me. Going to be tempted to lash out at Tammy and give her and her spoiled brats a true and honest piece of my mind when they blow off my birthday but I don’t want to piss them off while they know where we live. I’m almost positive they found us in Maricopa through Mary but when we leave here there isn’t going to be anyone they can go to for that information.

Jon waved to me when he was returning home and I was running down the hill in front of his place but by the time I realized who it was, he was pulling into his driveway so I didn’t wave back. I won’t delete him or Carolyn until we move. Believe me, they’ll want to delete me when I say what I have to say to Ray who will no doubt go to them about it. I just hope the old bastard is still alive when that time comes.

It was kind of funny to wake up to my first birthday message on Facebook today since it’s already my birthday in New Zealand, LOL.

Bet I can guess who won’t be wishing me a happy birthday, though. Let’s see… How about Kim, Eileen, Carolyn, Tammy and her narcissistic brats. Plus a couple of PBers. Eileen may surprise me though. On the 5th I’ll decide who to kick out.

I wonder if Jessie is aware that her son not only hates women except for one girl he calls Mary Jane but is a druggie as well. It’s obvious that his posts about “goodies” aren’t referring to chips and beer. I’m assuming he has his mother blocked from those posts, too.

The second book I bought with my credit was awesome. Brutal but chock-full of suspense. It was a book about an abused teenage girl whose parents make mine seem almost like they were saints and how she fights back and all that. Not sure if I like the last book I got because I haven’t read enough of it yet. It’s about a prim-and-proper girl who gets gang-raped and seeks revenge.

Despite the annoyances in life, I’m happy to say that I’m anxiety-free today and hopefully I won’t get super cold either. I’ve always been sensitive to cold but it seems pretty extreme even for me so I’m thinking that I’m still hypo and that’s why I sometimes feel like I’m utterly freezing no matter how much I bundle up. I put the portable heater in the master bedroom so that should help.

No bounding pulse tonight but I had that as well as a pulsing cramp at the base of my neck where it meets the chest on my left side. That went on for a few hours. While I may be in a good mood tonight, I definitely wasn’t last night but was determined not to get in one of my “whoa is me” moods and throw myself a pity party over how unfair life has been to me in the past. No, Tom could never cum and he never wanted to but how many other people would love and accept me the way he does? Yes, I went through a lot of emotional pain back when I thought I wanted a kid and he would string me along about it but he’s such a wonderful man in so many ways and I know that no human being is perfect.

I sometimes wonder if he was single when we met because of his lack of cumming and willingness to do anything about it. A lot of women back then who were in their mid-20s to mid-30s wanted marriage and kids. If he didn’t tell me about his problem upfront then he certainly didn’t tell them. It’s too bad men aren’t upfront about their sexual dysfunctions because if a woman really loves them, she’ll stick with them no matter what. I understand they may be embarrassed or may believe their problem will magically go away and work itself out on its own, but better to be upfront and find out who truly loves and accepts you rather than obtain and hang onto a woman through lies. Or at least through a lack of being upfront. I mean if you weren’t infertile, sooner or later one would make it up there, as most women probably know, but that could take years.

When I don’t feel well physically, especially when I feel anxious or down, I find myself thinking of my childhood. As shitty as it was, there are some aspects of it I sometimes miss and that were actually easier. I had to deal with my mother’s abuse, yes, but I didn’t have the kinds of fears I have now. I had things to look forward to that would be new and exciting, and well, there are just certain things about it I miss. Like how I would live more in the moment and have a sense of safety and security, however false much of it may have been.

I’m finding myself bored a lot lately. There’s never any shortage of things I could be doing, it’s just that I get tired of doing the same old things. I got bored with going through old journals to correct what were mostly small errors and realized that they weren’t meant to be perfect anyway.

Here goes the first plane so on goes my noise-canceling headphones because I’m not going to sit and listen to it every 10 to 15 minutes for 4 fucking hours. I know this is just the modern world almost everywhere but I just can’t seem to adapt to the constant sensory overload.

Wish I could get into playing “pretend.” You know, talk to someone I imagine being in the room with me like I used to do way back when. But I’m 53, not 10. So I can’t make it seem as “real.” Instead, I’d feel kind of foolish. I’ll relax in the dark and try it later maybe.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2018 Relaxing with my third and final cup of green tea. Definitely does seem to speed up the metabolism but I still don’t expect to lose more than a few pounds. Maybe, if anything, it will just make it harder for me to gain weight. :-)

I slept better last night even though I woke up a few times and felt better rested today. Even my arm from my flu shot isn’t as sore. I still get these weird feelings in my head at times, though, especially when I first stand up. Had a huge head rush earlier. Yesterday I found myself utterly freezing at times and I’m not sure if it had to do with the flu shot, my thyroid, or just my usual sensitivity to cold. I hate being cold and I’m so tired of it! I’d rather be annoyed with being sweaty and overheated if I can’t be comfortable.

Still keeping things pretty generic in my public journal, especially when it comes to my health and our purchases. Some of it anyway. I know one of my regulars hates Amazon and one time she left a comment saying, “Is there anything you wouldn’t buy?” and I didn’t know if she was teasing or critiquing me, and well, I don’t need anybody judging me. Just sharing with Aly because we know each other well and we don’t judge each other. She and I may not agree on everything but she’s smarter than most people and has a better memory than most people too. Also, if she asks me something, it’s because she’s curious, not judging me.

Well, that didn’t take too long. Alyssa’s pregnant. Don’t know when she changed her profile picture but in the picture, she looks just about full-term. Got to admit I’m kind of surprised and not just because of the times we’re living in but because she just seemed like such a career woman. Like she was really focused on that. I don’t understand how people with such demanding jobs as doctors have are able to make time for kids any more than celebrities. They’ll probably be raised mostly by nannies as many with money seem to seek out.

It really seems like she has it all. She can keep a schedule, she can drive, she’s obviously got a husband who can perform, full rights to her reproductive system, and a great career that pays fantastic. Can her life really be all that perfect? I’m sure there’s got to be some imperfections I can’t see but I honestly can’t believe that she’ll ever know a day in her life of what it’s like to be abused as a child, with sexually defunct people that you love but that doesn’t turn you on in ways that others have that you either don’t know or couldn’t possibly get, and I seriously doubt she’s ever known what it’s like to struggle financially or that she ever will.

She’ll never want for anything such as I have but if I suddenly wanted a kid as I did 20 years ago, I would definitely not give in to that desire with the way the world has become. If they’re even remotely right about the future effects of global warming, I don’t see why anyone would want to bring a child into the world. The overpopulation, the effects of climate change, a possible nuclear war that kills by the millions, maybe even billions… It would almost be selfish and cruel to bring a kid into that.

Again, it makes me wonder… Is there anything out there that has picked and chosen what does and doesn’t come our way? Why would it give some people everything, some people nothing, and some people a mix of good and bad if there was?

Imagine if her hormones left her depressed and anxious as hell, nothing she did helped make her feel better, tensions began between her and her husband, her sex life went to hell, and she suffered from lack of sleep and the immense demands of trying to juggle her home life with her career, and even lost some money or didn’t make nearly as much as she expected.

It will never happen, though. I get it, God, if You exist. You love her. She’s special to You. Some people are Your absolute number one pride and joy while others…eh, who cares, right?

Tom has gone to bed and now I’m left with high hopes of having a calm week and a series of annoying commercial planes. Felt a little wound up earlier and Tom feels certain that it’s just my typical Sunday night anxiety, knowing that he’s going to be gone the next five days.

I got a case of wine spritzers when we ran out to Safeway and drank half of one to see if it helps relax me. I only drank half because I don’t want to fall asleep too early since alcohol makes me tired and I’m not that bad now. The thing is that some things may make me drowsy, but they don’t take that anxious feeling out of the center of my chest. I still worry that I’m never going to find a solution and that I’m going to suffer on and off for the rest of my life. Very tough pill to swallow!

I’m also getting sick of this damn hip pain. The further into my day, the more it picks up. I’ll just suffer until bedtime which is a good 4 hours or so away, then I’ll take Ibuprofen as I have for several days now.

But yeah, imagine that Alyssa? Oh, I know I should be happy for you since no one deserves to suffer but still, I can’t help but not cry, “No fair!”

Anything you want, you just go right on up and get it. How about your husband suddenly having a low drive and being unable to squirt and actually glad that he can’t because he doesn’t want any more kids before you decide you don’t want anymore? How about being tortured by your own mind and body when everything is otherwise going well for you? How about having to make sacrifices because you don’t have enough money? How about feeling like a fucking freak because you can’t do the everyday things others can do, even if there is some good in that?

I can refuse to be anxious all I want and swear up a storm that I’m absolutely not going to let it get to me but it’s much more powerful than my strongest declarations of refusing to feel it and put up with it. It’s not up to me. I don’t rule it, it rules me. And sooner or later it’s coming back with a vengeance, probably during the week.

I’ve got a 4 PM appointment at the lab on Thursday so they can gather all my shitty numbers from my thyroid to my cholesterol. I don’t expect any issues with my red and white blood cell counts although the white will probably be slightly elevated as always. The question is what will my BP be when I see my doctors? I’m trying to lay off the sodium all I can but I’m having that damn bounding pulse right now. Can’t get an accurate BP reading so maybe it’s just anxiety.

The clear handles he got to replace the ones that broke in the shower were a little big so he took a hacksaw to them. Figured it was easier to just cut them than guess again at what size to order.

I had a dream I was on the beach that we used to go to every summer when I was a kid. The beach was deserted and I walked into the water up to my waist. It was still light enough to see well but in just a few seconds it was almost dark. I glanced over to where the dock was down to the right and thought about doing something I’d never done before and that was to walk past it on my own and see what was around the bend. But it was too dark. All I could make out were faint silhouettes of trees against the sky, not that there was any right by the dock.

Then I was in a swimming pool in the next dream when a little girl who was standing next to me said, “You’re a gymnast too,” as she flexed her leg straight up at her side.

I smiled, did the same (not that I ever could do such a thing), and jumped into the deep end of the pool. That’s when I began to drown. For some reason, even though I kept flapping and waving my arms to pull myself up to the surface, I just couldn’t reach it and woke up as I was running out of air.

The fuck is it with me and these dreams? I just don’t get why I have so many negative dreams. First some crazy woman wants to smother me with a pillow a couple of nights ago and then I’m drowning.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2018 Viva la Juicy will be my next and final perfume sample.

Not feeling great at all today but at least I’m not anxious… Yet. I haven’t been sleeping well since stopping the Amberen but as soon as I get anxious again and I see that it had nothing to do with it, I may take it again.

I woke up in the middle of my sleep and was unable to get back to sleep right away and had a bit of hip pain so I got up and took Ibuprofen and baby Benadryl. I don’t know if it’s because of taking the Benadryl in the middle of my sleep, because it causes me to sleep longer, or because my sleep was broken up, but just like last time, I woke up feeling tired and hungover. From now on, when I wake too soon I need to hope I fall back asleep on my own, just lie there, or get up.

Despite feeling out of it, we went to Rite Aid and got flu shots. I also picked up some green tea because it’s supposed to help aid the metabolism if you have something like 2 to 4 cups a day. I had a couple of cups today but nothing has helped yet.

When we got back I felt horribly cold even being bundled up and under the bedcovers. I’m just now starting to warm up. I get cold easily but this was extreme even for me, so unless I’m still pretty hypo, I wonder if it was related to the flu shot. I couldn’t find that listed as a side effect but fatigue is. I usually have next-day fatigue so even if I sleep better tonight, I may still be kind of out of it tomorrow but that’s okay. It’s okay to take a lazy weekend every now and then to just relax. If I had cleaning to do or some other plans then I might feel guilty lying around in bed all day. I’ve been in and out of bed all day and evening. I got my Bing points and checked in with friends but that’s pretty much it.

Now, after taking Ibuprofen for that damn hip pain and having some oatmeal, I’m starting to warm up. Really don’t understand this frustrating hip pain. The longer it goes on, the more I’m going to wonder if it could be arthritis of some kind. An injury is looking less likely and I haven’t been overdoing or underdoing the exercise. I still exercise 4-5 days a week.

It would be in my best interest not to get up before 10 tomorrow morning so I don’t want to take Benadryl before bed (to help me sleep more solid) until somewhere between 1 and 2 AM. Those fucking neck knockers are back too. Starting to think that’s more anxiety-related than due to blood pressure and sodium even though I feel calm now, but I don’t know for sure. I just dread the day the anxiety returns!

I’m disappointed that the planes have returned even though I knew they would. Last night it was small planes, tonight it’s commercials.

Got an adorable 18” gold lab statue lying with its head on its paws to place on the living room vent that the Roomba keeps getting stuck on. Should be here in a week or two.

More shitty dreams last night. I was thrown in jail in some foreign country. I don’t know why or what the country was. They spoke a language I didn’t understand. I stood by looking strangely innocent in this girly dress and my hair was in braids. I looked at the jailers as they chatted in this foreign language and then one of them spoke English.

“You speak English!” I exclaimed with relief. And then I told the guy I was worried I wouldn’t get my thyroid medication and would, therefore, slip into a coma.

Not sure what happened after that but in another dream, he and I moved to my home state. I was shivering with cold and saying, “What the fuck were we thinking?!”

I seemed to be on the street I spent my first 12 or 13 years on and for some reason, there was no working bathroom in the house. I had to walk down the street and around the corner to the bathroom. As I neared the end of the street, I contemplated zipping across the street to pee in the woods on the other side of it but didn’t want anyone in the corner houses to spot me and wonder why I was going into the woods.

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