#ryofaust moment

[kiyosato-yuri]

[ifuckingloveryoshu]

Mention of selfharm under cut and sexual thoughts (NO ACTUAL SELF HARM EVERYTHING IS FINE)

P.S. If you like Ryofaust interaction fanfiction, the fic The Heart, Crowned By A Funeral Wreath by NiuMiu set off these thoughts, because I read fanfiction instead of studying or doing work. ×

I am aversed to cutting because several people related to me in my life have cut and I have also attempted to cut myself. It's scary and horrifying when the invasive thought comes because I don't want to cut myself. I can't hold my pair of scissors without the invasive thought coming to my head (sissors where what I tried to use to cut when I was younger), I know why my parents don't let me get the paper cutter knife.

That being said, Id be horrified if Ryoshu cut her odachi in me but Im not entirely opposed. Im scared of becoming art but id become it if I were deemed nice enough for art. I would try to strugle and fight, because I like living, theres something about getting cut or even hurt though. Feeling that pain, OK I NEED TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO NOT GLORIFY THE SUFFERING AND THE PAIN. But in that moment, you can say your alive and living because you feel it. Its not good to feel pain but it is at the same time. I can't explain it. You're alive and feeling. I scratch my skin a lot. Thats not the same pain but that works for me too. Blood and gore makes me hungry but its comforting.

I also just like Ryoshu because she sees the human body as art, the pain and injuries as beautiful art. We can't be perfect and prevent these things, we deviate in how the art was made, but when everything is said and done, when the suffering has already happened, what your left with is still beautiful, weither the injuries were made by someone elses hands or your own. It doesn't make the person any less worthy of loving.

That's also why Im opposed to cutting, im scared that I revel and enjoy seeing it, but at the same time I was disgusted when the ones close to me did it. Those self harm images. It's a conundrum remembering these over and over, but also its against my own personal beleifs to forget. The invasive thoughts are visceral and able to be set off at any moment, im just looking at thos brick wall behind me and the thoughts aren't good.

It is what it is. I like Ryoshu and her mindset of finding beauty in what is ugly a lot, you just can't apply that to every single aspect of this reality, understandably.