#running up that hill took me be surprise though bc i didn’t even remember listening to it like that asdghk

[tvrningout]

s.potify wrapped is out and it once again reminded me that i listen to a lot of music. i clocked over 39,000 minutes and listened to over 2,000 artists and i was surprised for a second but then i’m just :’ )) that tracks actually

[marvels-writings]

Lost

Maria Hill Masterlist

Summary: She’s lost without you, and when she finally finds you, a goodbye looms in the distance.

Requested by Anon: how about a fic where maria hill is working on a mission in which she has to rescue reader? every single time she's gotten close to getting reader, hydra manages to stay one step ahead of her no matter what. it's been nearly two years without the love of her life and maria has gotten close to reader once again. the twist? hydra gives reader back to maria but only after injecting a highly experimental serum that causes excruciating pain to reader. the only solution is for maria to kill reader bc reader doesn't want to be in pain for the rest of their life. it's up to maria to make the decision.

Word Count: 3.3k (Long and angsty)

A/N: This took me over a week to write and fuck me if it isn’t some of my best written work. @aaron-despair and I planned out an angsty weekend for y'all, i think you'll like it, even if it makes you cry ;)

Quiet filled the room, not the peaceful quiet of mornings everyone is used to. Rather a suffocating one, one reminding you of mistakes, old and new, bringing to light the horrors of your reality. Even if the light from the early day began to seep through the blinds, the silence remained.

The papers scattered around the desk were even worse than the silence. They taunted Maria; showed her how she was always one step behind from finding you. The information always a day too late; you were gone just a few hours before she could find you.

Two years it had been going, two whole years she'd been trying to find you. It had just passed the day Maria lost you. Fury had forced her to take a week off, to try to take her mind off it. Instead, she buried herself in reports, clues, anything to find you.

This time, she thought she might be close. The information was new, blaring at her from the laptop screen in front of her. Rubbing her eyes, she focused on it again, reading the words over and over. It had your name on it, along with others captured in the HYDRA base.

A rare smile turned the corners of her lips at the mere thought of bringing you back. All that had kept her going was you, the memories of you, the pictures, everything she could preserve. Without even that, she would be lost, without you to guide her forwards. The mementos were all that was keeping her from losing herself in her loss.

Memories sometimes feel like poison, don't they? Especially when they come in the form of dreams, capturing you in a trance, forcing you to believe an ethereal reality which you can't call your own. Sometimes you can wake up from them, choosing to leave the trance; but the pleasure of staying a few more moments in a treasured dream was too tempting for even Maria to pass up.

She turned in her sleep, her eyes fluttering restlessly as her mind conjured memories she rarely let herself indulge into. The memory is one she didn't remember fully; it just being another day where she got to wake up beside you. Your touch lingering on her skin, your lips ghosting over her neck as you welcomed her into the morning.

A smile adorned her face as she looked at you. You didn't look like the countless pictures she kept, rather the way she always wants to remember you. Cast in golden light, adoration lining your every motion, smiling, free.

Her hand reached up to your face, running across the skin of your cheek. Everything felt so right like she was where she belonged. It was like she had been lost for so long, wandering for years until she found her home with you.

Why could she only find her home in a dream?

Why could she only seek solace in the ghost of your touch? Why should she feel cold in the warm rays of sunlight only to feel warm in her memories? Why should she feel lost every single day, only to feel anchored when dreams finally invade her lonely presence?

Opening her eyes, it all faded away into the blank white of the sheets and the dull light of the day. Some light of hope, a few rays of sunlight made their way through the overcast, giving her the slightest glimmer of hope. It convinced her, just for a few minutes, there may be a chance she won't have to seek you in her dreams again.

That tiny sliver of hope pulled her through the day and into the jet to go find you. Agents talked and laughed on the jet, offering a silent nod to Maria when she entered. They understood her grief better than most, being the people you'd sacrificed yourself for.

Though, sacrificed isn't exactly the word for it. You weren't dead, just missing, lost to her and everyone who tried to find you. You, stupidly, idiotically, had chosen to stay behind to save them. Even on a mission, you weren't supposed to go on; you stayed in a HYDRA base to save them.

Selflessness was a trait she had commended you for, but she never thought it would tear you from her.

The same team you'd stayed behind for were always the first to jump on the jet when you were involved. They were the ones who told Maria you were gone. They saw her crumble, feeling her pain as if it was their own. The guilt weighed down on them ever since, bringing them to every single chance to find you, to take away Maria's pain they were so sure they caused.

The ride to the location was fairly quiet, the agents chatting quietly on the other side of the jet while Maria sat at the front, monitoring the autopilot. She didn't need to sit there to make sure the jet was on course, but she wanted the time alone.

Her gaze was fixed on the ring she twirled in her fingers. The gold solitaire glinted in the light, making everything brighter for a treasured few moments. You'd fawned about the ring to her in a jewelry shop before she proposed to you, describing it as flawless and too pretty to wear. You didn’t think Maria would listen to your little rant, much less buy you the ring to promise herself to you. You would've loved it.

Maria tugged the ring back onto its chain, where it had remained until you could wear it. The chain stayed around her neck, rarely being taken off unless necessary. The cold metal of the ring rested against her skin, always reminding her of you.

You would've joked about it being sappy, finding it adorable how she would want to keep a part of you close to her. Never had she been called adorable before, everyone being too intimidated by the Deputy Director of SHIELD. But you, you simply ran your fingers over her skin, claiming her perfection while everyone saw otherwise.

"We're here."

Maria nodded, hiding her surprise at the interruption. She should've been the one to say that, too lost in her thoughts of you to care about much else. It didn't matter though, this might be another chance where she wouldn't have to dream of you to keep you close.

Fully armed, the team moved out of the jet and towards the base. The dull grey of the buildings contrasting with the bright green of the forest around them. Maria couldn't help her thoughts wandering to what you would've thought of the view.

You'd always wanted to go somewhere green for your honeymoon. It didn't matter if it was a bright day or not, you always enjoyed the clouds more. You claimed it brought out the green in the trees, making a heaven out of what others see as disappointing.

The green was all she could stare at as she made her way to the base. The paint on the walls of the building was chipping off as her fingers ran over it. The team surrounded the base, slowly making their way inside. Maria stayed outside, on the off chance she saw their transport driving away from the base.

Strange, she already expected you won't be here. She was already preparing her speech for the team when they were disappointed once more. The chance of bringing you back had been taken away from her so many times that having it back was too hard to believe.

Shouts over the comms caught her attention, the team went off plan to gather around the back entrance of the building. The objective lost as they huddled around a screaming voice. Maria began shouting at the team to get back into formation to find you, but something about the voice was oddly familiar.

the voice was the one she heard in her dreams, the one she sought out every day to bring her some sense of comfort. The voice was yours, screaming out in pain. Never had she heard you scream before, the sound causing chills to erupt around her body as she ran towards you.

Her feet pounded the ground, her heartbeat thudding in her ears as fear clouded her mind. You were back, but why were you in so much pain if you were rescued? The team parted for her, letting her through to you. Their eyes held hopelessness and pity as they watched her reach you.

Finding you was something she had imagined hundreds of times, running over each scenario in her mind. Sometimes it was out of a romantic movie, other times it was different, this wasn't something she had ever imagined. Your screams were sure to haunt her for years to come as you fought an imaginary enemy.

Your back arched off of the ground, your hands punching the air in vain as screams were torn from your throat. Your face contorted in pain, covered in dirt and blood she could only hope wasn't yours. The clothes you wore were almost rags, torn everywhere.

Maria dropped down onto her knees, the sticks in the ground poking the skin there. She reached out towards your hands, trying to quiet you, pain filling her every movement. You didn't look at her, not once, fighting off an imaginary enemy instead of focusing on her.

Tears slid down her cheeks as she tried in vain to take away your pain. She didn't know what they had done to you, much less how to stop it. The team surrounding her whispered to each other, knowing some secret they hadn't let her in on.

Her hands pinned your wrist by your sides as you squirmed, eyes closed shut. The sticks scratched your skin, bringing out tiny red lines which dripped into the mud. But you weren't bothered by the scratches, nor the bruises lining your body too lost in your mind.

"Y/N!" Maria shouted, trying desperately to bring you out of your head. "Please,"

Her words were a soft plea, begging to bring you back to her. She had lived in fear of losing you for so long, but she had only ever thought of losing you to death. Never had she thought of losing you like this, in a pain, she didn't know how to end.

She spoke your name over and over again in a desperate plea to bring you back to her. You relaxed at her voice, your body going limp as your eyes began to flutter open. Her hands came up to your face, guiding your gaze to her. You finally focused on her, a smile breaking through your look of pain.

"Hey," Maria whispered, a rare smile gracing her lips. She leaned her forehead against yours, feeling your breath across her face, your hands slowly coming up around her. They dragged her down, too exhausted to hold her.

But it was you. Everything was the same but different at the same time. Your soul was broken, teeming with ragged edges of glass and blood, its core still the same. The woman she had fallen in love with was there, underneath the pain and the exhaustion, it was you.

The same you she had seen in her dreams every night, calling out to her. The same woman she had mourned every single day for two years. The same one she longed to put the ring on because her soul could never unite with another.

Her arms slid under your waist, trying to pick you up to get you medical attention, but you dragged her back down. A frown etching its way onto her face, she pulled away, gesturing towards the jet. You shook your head, your face grimacing in pain she didn't know how to take away.

"Don't go," You croaked, fingers clasping around her t-shirt tightly. Your weak grip a vain attempt to keep her close.

Maria shook her head, whispering to you that she wasn't going to let you go. Never could she let you out of her sight again, fearing you might leave her forever. Now, these few moments she had with you, she wanted more. A lifetime more of them, pulling the engagement ring out of her pocket.

"I won't," Maria whispered, smiling as she pulled your hand from her waist to put the ring on.

A smile covered your face at the ring, admiring it up close. This moment, it was supposed to be beautiful, the ring sealing you to her forever. But it felt more of a goodbye, the team crying around her and murmuring instead of cheering. Something was deeply wrong, but what?

Her gaze went back to you, ignoring the pit growing in her stomach. Dread filled her when you looked at her apologetically. You looked as if you were going to leave her, say your last goodbyes, and be gone for good, leaving her lost forever.

"I wish I could stay forever." You murmured. A beautifully sad smile turned the corner of your lips, sealing the dread growing in Maria's stomach.

Why were you so ready to say goodbye if she'd just found you again?

"Why can't you?" Maria asked, pleading with you to stay with her. She doubted she could last another lifetime without you to guide her. You were everything to her, the darkness she found herself lost in and the light to guide her out of it.

A syringe was handed to her wordlessly, an explanation offered by one of the team. She listened with half of her attention, the rest of it focused on you. With every word you sank further into the ground, your head resting on the dirt. Her hand gripped the syringe tightly, willing for this all to go away so she could have her dream with you.

Why is it everything is taken away so soon? All these years she had been lost, only to find you again for a treasured few moments. Now, the serum they had injected you with would cause you pain for the rest of your life if she chose to save you. The serum was injected into the rest of the team, but only a mild solution to see the effects. You, on the other hand, were given an option, to die now or live a painful reality for a lifetime.

"Hey," You whispered, your hand slowly coming up to cup her cheek, your thumb running circles around her cheekbone. She lifted her head to look at you, tears making their way down her cheeks. Your fingers wiped them away, your touch lingering on her cheeks, a small smile gracing the corner of your lips.

The guilt of causing this goodbye began to weigh on the team. They had already taken you from her once, but the hope of bringing you back to her kept the guilt at bay. Now, you were going to be gone, forever. The guilt ate them away as they walked away, letting you have your last goodbyes.

"I want you to have this." You reached into the pocket of your clothes. In your hand, lay a dirty silver ring with a sapphire stone in the center. HYDRA knew the reason behind the ring, letting you keep it as a weak illusion of hope. Your fingers ran over the engraving you had carved on the inside of the band, hoping she would read it later.

Her tears fell on the ring, watching you put it onto her fingers. The ring symbolized your love, your want to grow old with each other, to spend the rest of your life with her. The dream, the purpose the ring stood for, was never going to be fulfilled.

You couldn't stay with her, not now, not forever. The pain you felt, wasn't something you wanted for the rest of your life. You didn't want to live a life which most would be happy to live but have pain underlining your every action. You knew Maria knew your choice to leave, neither of you want to say it yet.

But you knew this was your last goodbye.

Such a painful pleasure to be denied a few moments with you. To dream about this moment, for nights on end, imagining being with you again, only to have it denied. To hope, every single day for a dream you had made together only to have it never come true.

The memories she had with you lasted her through the two years of your absence. Through the darkness your absence cast, through the late nights of being so utterly lost without a light to guide her way. The moments she had with you now, would last her the rest of her life.

"I'm not ready to say goodbye again," Maria spoke, tears slipping from her eyes faster than you could wipe them away. you sighed, leaning your forehead against hers, your hand clasping hers tightly. The clink of the rings brought a sad smile to your face, barely shining through the tears.

"Goodbyes are never something we're ready for." You whispered, smiling against her lips. You leaned forwards slowly, letting your lips meet hers.

Tears mixed into the kiss, the salty taste stinging her tongue. Your lips were chapped, but so soft against hers. She sighed against you, molding herself into you. Her body rested against yours, holding you close, wishing you wouldn't leave as you slowly pulled away.

"If only you were a dream, I wouldn't feel the pain of losing you again," Maria murmured, her breath hitting your face with every word. If only you were a dream, but would this be a dream or another nightmare she can't get out of her mind?

"This is a delightful dream then." You muttered, your head resting back against the dirt. Your eyelids felt heavy, slowly blinking as you stared up at the sky. Maria moved so your head was resting in her lap, your eyes staring up at her.

"I'm lost without this dream," Maria said, her fingers stroking across your skin. Her hand in your hair, comforting you as much as she could. Death was never something she wanted for you, but she could at least provide you with a comfortable goodbye.

"Then in your dreams, I'll be lost with you." You whispered, smiling again. Your hand came up to her cheek, caressing it gently, watching her lean into your touch. It warmed your heart when she kissed the palm of your hand, more tears spilling from her cheeks.

It was a beautifully broken moment, the trance you were trapped under as you stared at Maria unbroken by anything. Apart from her wanted to yell for help, to try to save what remained of you. But it would be selfish if she saved you only to keep you close to herself.

She knew this was what you wanted, to say goodbye peacefully. But god it was killing her to watch the light slowly fade from your eyes. She made it as comfortable as possible, playing with your hair, running your fingers across her cheek. She even started singing to you, humming the tune you'd picked out for your first dance at your wedding.

Nothing could be done as you whispered how much you loved her before closing your eyes for the last time. Maria could only hope you knew how much she loved you. She could only mourn for her loss, tears falling relentlessly from her eyes without you to wipe them away.

Lost was all she felt, wandering in the darkness created by your absence, without the hope of being with you to guide her out. Oh, to be found for a treasured few minutes would be enough to last her life through. Even if she felt lost, she had her dreams in which she could find you, along with the rings which she swore she could feel you in, especially with the words you engraved.

"Lost without you."

A/N: If you're crying, please tell me in the comments and the reblogs!! If not, tell me how you feel anyway

Tag List: @capcarolsdanver​, @versdan​, @lesbian-girls-wayhaught​, @lovebotlarson​, @dhengkt​, @hstoria​, @natasha-danvers​, @veryfunnyal​, @xxxtwilightaxelxxx​ , @ophelias-heart​ , @never-didbefore​ , @justarandomhumanhere​, @the-most-unicorn-of-them-all , @thatssocamryn​ , @lesbian-x-blackwidow​ , @wlw-imaginesss​ , @hcartbyheart​​ , @summergeezburr​​ , @imnotasuperhero​ , @a-stressedstudent​ , @aaron-despair​ , @rooskaya-yelena​ , @thewitchandtheassassin​ , @wannabe-fic-reader​ , @izalesbean​, @higherfurther-romanova​ , @natalia-quinzel​ , @blackxwidowsxwife​ , @studies-styles​ , @procrastinatingsapphictrash​ let me know if you’d like to be in any of my tag lists!

[puppy-phum]

thank you once again @yibobibo​ for tagging me ♥ even if, like I said, this is pure torture. I have so many sons that I’ve given up on counting them sigh but here goes.

favourite male fictional characters.

I took it that this meant ten so am going with that (tho am not gonna try and put them into order). am also sticking to all the characters I loved this year. and gonna ramble and add gifs so cutting it here. 

1. Liu Sang

The Lost Tomb Reboot/Reunion: The Sound of The Providence

I have so much love for this boy it’s not even healthy. it’s a bit funny tho bc once I started tltr, I didn’t really like him and almost forgot about him as the first season ended. he just felt so annoying and bitter in what I saw him, even if I did get that he had a Tragic BackstoryTM (I felt for him but well. tltr really made him hard to like at first). but then they brought him back in the second season with his sad puppy eyes and inability to handle his thoughts on wu xie and being all touch-starved and pitiful and whatnot and baam, I had the adoption papers ready. he’s wonderful and so strong and so smart and amazing. and liu chang as his actor has been wonderful (and he’s so pretty my god, have you seen him??)

2. Shen Wei

Guardian

never did I expect to just. fall into this hole after a year? I remember what a mess I was when I first watched guardian over a year ago, right after finishing the untamed. I was in shambles even as I knew how it would end. and now I’ve done this all again while also reading the novel and. my love for shen wei, especially bc it’s zhu yilong acting as shen wei? astronomical. I want to write poetry about him and his stupid responsibilities that he chooses to carry silently and his devotion to zhao yunlan and his love for his ppl and his didi and. I hope that one day I manage to write weilan bc I have this one idea and you can come pry it from my cold, dead fingers if it doesn’t get out there (am also super happy about the edit I made bc my god does he deserve at least that)

3. Cloud Strife

Final Fantasy VII

ok so stepping into the video games territory now. I was waiting for the remake like crazy and it was everything to me once the quarantine hit during spring. the game is so beautiful and I felt like I looked at this gorgeous boy once and was ready to give him my heart (tbh am quite sure he owned my heart before I even learned to know him). he is tragic in so many ways (I’ve only scratched the surface of all of his pain I know) and I wish I could just. hug him a lot. he is kind and cares very deeply even if he hates to show it and I love it how remake showed him also just being a human disaster (some of his scenes are just. peak comedy). I would kill for his smile (I have already cried for it a dozen)

4. Geralt of Rivia

The Witcher (The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt)

if there’s one grumpy, brickwall of a man I love, it’s geralt. I affectionately call him “papa wolf” while playing witcher 3 and his voice in it does things to me (I am just so fond of him ok, begone you dirty fuckers). I got introduced to him through the books and adored him in them bc he is so prickly and sarcastic and still so full of love even if he will never admit to it. he is the father figure I wish I could have in real life. (and yes, I’ve seen the tv series (or at least a couple of the first episodes) and it looks stunning but. this is my version of geralt and that’s the hill I will die on)

5. Xiaoge

Zhang Qiling, Daomu Biji (The Lost Tomb 2)

(wow finding a gif for him was a pain, apparently I gotta learn how to gif or?) ah, my dear boy who I’ve ended up just calling xiaoge bc he seems to prefer it over his real name/title/whatever zhang qiling really is. I got introduced to him through tltr where we really didn’t get to know that much about him bc he was just... there. huang junjie was absolutely stunning tho and his soft smiles made me super fond, but only in the lost tomb 2 did I really fall in love with xiaoge as a character. I was surprised tbh bc I didn’t expect it to be this drama? I had so many doubts about the cast in tlt2 but they all delivered! and I think cheng yi’s xiaoge is now my favorite bc he somehow captured that softness and the pain of him? (and we do not talk about that buxun storyline tyvm) tho now that ultimate note is on the way, I gotta say that xiao yuliang does a wonderful job as xiaoge too!

6. Wu Xie

Daomu Biji (Ultimate Note)

(sorry we have to go with a pingxie gif now but maybe it’s only fitting) tbh it’s hard to choose my favorite version of wu xie. I think all of the actors for him have done amazing job showing wu xie in different parts of his life (all of them are very distinct but still feel like the same person) but currently zheng shunxi takes the lead. I really wanted to put the reboot version of him here (bc I love that mature, relaxed and somehow very soft version of him and the angst is phenomenal and the thoughts he has about death... yeah) but I already have zhu yilong’s face here once so :’D wu xie is just one of those characters you cannot not like. he is so strong, so kind, so stubborn, so wonderfully stupid sometimes and in need of careful protection. I also adore it how smart he is and I could listen to him spew history facts for 10 hours straight (even if it was in a tomb full of blood zombies) ♥

7. Jiang Cheng

Jiang Wanyin, The Untamed

my darling boy! my beautiful angry grape! I love him beyond words. I love him in all of his raging, misunderstood, stupid, sassy, constipated, abused, tragic, bitter, big hearted glory. I could write novels about him (and I did and am still writing oh boy) and his love for ppl and his inability to show that love and his loneliness and his issues. I could also write another novel for all of his outfits etc. bc damn, what a fashion king. he is just so great. he owns my soul. he deserves happiness and in this essay I will

8. Isana Yashiro

Adolf K. Weismann, K Project

I rewatched k project this spring bc a) it’s one of my favorite animes ever (it just looks stunning with all the colors) and b) I love yashiro to bits. I remember falling in love with him when I first watched k project many years ago bc he was just so kind and bright. this time though, I ended up seeing another side of him and my god did I cry. he is... so sweet. he cares for others so deeply and is ready to sacrifice so much for them and his love for his two clansmen... yeah. I think I finally saw the tragedy of him too, all the pain and loneliness and insecurity he decides to hide behind his smile and obnoxious personality. he reminded me a lot of myself and watching him made my heart bleed in a good way

9. Qi Tiezui

Ba Ye, The Mystic Nine

(wow am going to riot for the lack of all the gifs hhh) yes, we’re continuing with the dmbj universe that sucked me in big time this year. the drama of the mystic nine wasn’t probably that earth shattering for me as it somehow got boring more than once but I did love ba ye to bits. he was just... so nice? I got it that he was somehow this “comedic relief” in the drama with all of his funny scenes and ridiculous mannerisms but I could see the brilliance of him. he is warm and smart and kind of a romantic too and he cares for all of his friends so deeply? it was also sweet how protective of him his two zhangs were (does that run in the family? the tendency to imprint into one smart but disastrous man and keep him safe? maybe) and I really hope I knew more about him bc he seemed to have a lot of knowledge and a lot of impact to ppl’s lives (I yelled when they mentioned him in ultimate note, I miss him ;;)

10. Dorian Pavus

Dragon Age Inquisition

(yes I’ve been replaying DA:I this year, this counts!) another darling boy! my lovely sass master son! I have so much love for him and his story in DA:I. he is my favorite companion (and his romance is my favorite too, probably obvious in the way am currently romancing him for the third time) and he has given me a lot of strength. the way he stands up against his father, how he’s ready to reform his homeland instead of walking away, how he’s so caring for those he sees struggling... it’s very warming and I feel like I’m safe with him. it feels a bit silly to say that but he really is that comfort character I will seek out when I just want to know am doing fine :’) (and I am so excited to see him again in DA4! probably?)

+ 11. Li Cu

Tomb of the Sea

yes I cheated a bit (with my own rules lol) to fit li cu here. I didn’t really expect to like him or tomb of the sea as much as I did once I started it? I’ve seen leo wu elsewhere before this (battle through the heavens, nirvana in fire) and his face always makes me think about a sad puppy so maybe I just grew fond over li cu instantly bc he was... so hurt? the first episode really slaps you in the face with all of it, showing him being abused, wounded, kidnapped, tortured, used and then just very, very scared and broken. he continues being that throughout the whole drama and I feel like tomb of the sea (or sand sea or sha hai idk) is the darkest and angstiest story in the dmbj universe. I know it deserves to be bc this is a dark time for wu xie but... my darling li cu. I wish him only happiness ;; he was so strong and smart and wonderful in this and it was just so amazing to watch him grow and find his own place in the world just bc he did something himself (even when he got dragged into all of this bc of wu xie) also I support the wu xie adopts li cu -agenda

Honorary mentions: 

Zhang Rishan, Xie Yuchen and Hei Xiazi from DMBJ universe. The Twin Jades of Gusu and Ouyang Zizhen from The Untamed. The Iron Bull and Fenris from Dragon Age games. Thane Krios, Kaidan Alenko and Jaal from Mass Effect games. The whole lot of Assassin’s Creed protagonists (especially Ezio Auditore and Shay Cormac). Adam Parrish and Ronan Lynch from The Raven Cycle. Neil Josten from All For The Game. Eduon and March from The Smoke Thieves. Qiling from L.O.R.D. Critical World. Luo Fei from Detective L (played by Bai Yu). 

well, with this I can really see that I have a thing for those who are tragic :’D I have a thing for grumpy, prickly and antisocial guys or those who hide their pain behind a smile. maybe it’s bc I am somehow both, even if I can’t show my anger or be mean to others and even if I feel like my smile never sticks either. I just find kinship in all of the characters who are on this list. and I feel like I aspire to be as strong and as kind and as loving despite all the pain I’ve been put through.  

thank you, this was so much fun! and sorry I made this so long and so complicated ^^’ but well, there are just way too many male characters I love haha

at the end I want to tag @i-am-just-a-kiddo​ @ashenwren​ @kholran​ @tiesanjiao​ @lan-xichens​ @aheartfullofjolllly​ @manhasetardis​ and @lzswy​​ ♥ feel free to do this in your own way or not at all! and thank you if you managed to read through my rambling :’D

[sergeanttpoliteness]

idk if you’re taking requests or anything, if you aren’t ignore this, but if you are I would die for a classic, upside down spider-man kiss with the loml spider-noir. poor guy would probably be very surprised at first but suddenly its his favorite thing to do. thanks I love you and your work!!

AND➝ mayhaps…. a first kiss with noir? if u have time! 

sorry for answering so late nonnies! i feel so bad about that, i promise i wasn’t ignoring y’all. same goes to the few other requests i have in my inbox right now! 

——-

➹ inconvenient feelings➹ (spider-noir x reader)

word count: 2.5k

a/n: can you tell i had no idea what to call this lol. i didn’t edit either bc… oof. i’ve been struggling a lot with writer’s block (nothing new, honestly lmaoo) lately and someone close to me recently passed away and i haven’t quite… been able to wrap my head around it?? i don’t know, not to be a little bitch but this week consisted of a lot of school stuff, emotions, and anxiety so thanks @ the people who requested this bc i needed to write some wholesome stuff. also thx at my bestie for helping me out w ideas, ily broz. anyway, there’s some minimum ripeter x reader although it’s solely platonic! hope you all have a lovely week (:

taglist: @marvelousmorales

It’s not convenient. Convenient was that one person with the pretty smile whose eyes seemed to possess an affinity to him that one time at a jazz club, or the singer with the honey voice and smooth runs more soothing than the late night singing of a mother to her child. A poor goon who smooched his fist whilst it collided with his face could even fit the designation, really— but what mattered, the simple component they shared, was that all three were just a speck in a sea with no end; an eternal blue void with only more possibilities hiding in the pitch-black depths neither he nor the light’s fingertips could touch. They were safe. Uncomplicated.

Peter stared out the window, at a completely distinct world, far from a city in a vintage film: the ongoing the mechanical song of speeding cars, the newer and taller lit up buildings, the blinking golden lights, identical to a field of a thousand miniscule suns. This was not convenient. It’s… so different— like day and night, water and fire. This meant to swim out of the ocean he belonged to and reach for a foreign land, to run after a mere drop of water when a whole fucking body existed behind him. It’s not safe. It’s complicated.

Your sleepy eyes roamed the same page for the fifth time with no precise purpose, more disoriented than a newcomer in a large city until they traveled and spotted their true destination: Peter’s own sight deeply engulfed in the view outside, the twisting of his brows every now and then filling your mind with wonder and curiosity at what could possibly be running through that brain of his. You could’ve continued with the ogling like the damn creep you were (seriously, you gotta stop it with that, you told yourself), but you slipped and made a mistake— the most laughably absurd misstep— worse than trying to take a picture of a stranger and then, to your utmost terror, the flash going off— which wouldn’t have occurred in the first place if you’d paid your electricity bills on time. Your apartment wouldn’t have been plunged into darkness, and you wouldn’t have, without thinking, your head clearly not in its right place at the moment, slightly tilted your phone and directed your phone’s flashlight right at the side of his face. You quickly pulled the beam of light away, as if that would work; however, his gaze drifted to you. “Sorry.” You blurted out, acting casual and pretending to focus on the journal on your lap. “You were so quiet, I thought you had fallen asleep.” You lied.

“No, I’m awake.” He said, furrowing his brows to himself— of course you already knew that. You mumbled a small ‘good’, holding the notebook close to your face, like a child staring through the window of a pet shop at some puppies, shining the ‘smartphone’, he’d learned, over the pages. You bit your lip, your shoulders shaking with your surfacing laughter.

“Oh, man, this one’s so dumb.” You snickered before running your finger up the paper, clearing your throat. “October 8th, 1999. Today I came back from my camping trip with Peter, Ben, and May. We ate a lot of s'mores— Uncle Ben makes the best! We also told some scary ghost stories, and I even made Pete scream. It was awesome. You will not believe what happened!” You read the last sentence with a dramatic tone, similar to that of a terrible news headline from a sketchy website, making yourself more comfortable on the L shaped bench seat and leaning into Peter’s side.

Peter tensed at first, but slowly, he pushed himself to relax after you rested your head on his shoulder, a quiet voice in the back of his head speaking against his desires, echoing the terrifying thought that he could get used to this. “I don’t know, enlighten me: what happened?” He asked, amused. You lifted your finger, eyebrows raising gradually, building up the suspense. He waited, and waited, and waited, until, finally—

“I have to go eat dinner. I’ll tell you later.” You finished with an unhumorous voice and a poker face. Yet again, he awaited in silence, interested. Man, you took this suspense thing quite seriously— wait.

“And?”

“That’s it.”

“That’s it?!” He looked down at you and you nodded. “Oh, c'mon! You just gonna leave the reader hanging like that?”

You shrugged, wearing a shit-eating grin, loving his genuine disappointment as you flicked the page. “Sometimes that’s just the way it is.”

“Oh, what malarkey!” He laughed softly. You crinkled your nose— malarkey. What a dork.

You resumed scanning the barely discernible handwriting, the corner of your mouth tugging upwards. “Alright, this one does have an ending.” You sat up, rolling your shoulders back only to go back to your position of hunching over the journal. “April 3rd, 2000. I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long, I forgot I had this journal. Something crazy happened.”

“The end.”

“Shut up.” You shushed him, shaking your head. “'I hung out with Peter today. We rode our bikes, had a race down the hill near my house, and I also got a butterfly to land on my finger. Man, I love insects!’ …and I still do.” You smiled and he glanced down at you, his mouth twitching. A peculiar glow in his chest grew, fueled him after he recognized that you felt comfortable enough to share this part of you with him; an insight on the stories that carved you into the person that you were today, the being that made every classy, pearly white grin and musical prodigy so boring, so undesirable.

You shuffled on your bum to turn and face Peter, continuing, “We came back home to play some more. We were sitting in front of the TV when, suddenly, he said my name, and like a normal person would, I looked at him…” You inclined forward, voice quieting, looking up at him.

“You won’t believe what happened.”

His eyes darted heavenward and he groaned. “Oh, lord.”

“He kissed me!” You cried out, with as much emotion that past you spilled onto the paper with the five exclamation marks and the three times you underlined the sentence. You slammed the notebook shut and let out a strangled clamor. “I still remember it very clearly. It was just a peck, but he fucking… smashed his mouth into mine, it hurt so much and my lip started bleeding and everything.” You giggled, abashed, rubbing your eyes.

Peter’s brows rose with surprise, pondering how an alternate seven-year-old version of him from another universe had more balls than him. He had to admit, though, the scene playing in his head was more entertaining than unfortunate. “And what’d you do?” He questioned, his mouth twitching.

“He was just curious and wanted to see what kissing someone was like, so we promised we wouldn’t talk about it ever again. He was so embarrassed, though, and felt so bad for making me bleed that he almost started crying.” You recalled, chuckling as you eyed the cursed diary one last time and placed it beside you. “What an idiot. I miss him.” You sighed, peering up at him, grinning. “What was your first kiss like, huh?”

It was comical, almost, the raging blush that trickled his face, the greyish tint screaming for the world’s attention. It was just a Peter Parker thing, you guessed: blushing like there was no tomorrow. “Uh, my first kiss?” You nodded. “Well… it happened when I was eighteen.”

You put the side of your head against the wall, eyes going round, your inquisitiveness close to that of a kid listening to a grandparent’s story. “Was it romantic?” You wanted to know everything: who the person was, the place, the context. Did he enjoy it? Did he make the move? And if so, then was there a chance that, maybe…

Unlike you, he did not have much interest in the subject; he stuttered, searching for a way to move on from the memory before he imploded. “I don’t, I don’t think anyone’s first kiss is romantic.”

You squinted at him, noticing his obvious attempt at dodging the question, but chose to spare him. Just for a few milliseconds, though. “Have you ever had… a perfect kiss?” You said, unsure of how to word such a silly question. He shook his head and you hummed, silently taking in a quick breath, your gaze moving to your right. “Have you thought about what you want it to be like?”

Should he say it? He wanted to. He really did. But he couldn’t, even if his eyes almost flickered down to your lips. “Who thinks about that?” He muttered. Perhaps he had. Perhaps he’d been guilty of having the thought slither into his mind once or twice— possibly more than just that. Perhaps it’d pestered his mind as of recent, like that damn small scratch on his glasses that won’t go away no matter how many times he tried to wipe it away as if that would even help. Perhaps it returned as you unconsciously licked your lips and raised your shoulder, a bashful grin growing on your face.

“I have, when I’m bored. An upside down kiss with a cute guy.” You admitted, your eyes narrowing afterward, only just now realizing how bizarre the idea was once you said it aloud. Your impatience throbbed in your head so badly you didn’t mind the embarrassment as much, though. You really were doing this, huh? “I think I found the cute guy.” You hinted, your heartbeat pounding in your throat.

He understood the insinuation, of course he did. But what better way to run from your feelings than close his trembling hand into a fist, pretend to be clueless, and act like an idiot?

“Who’s the lucky fella?”

Didn’t think he was so stupid, you grumbled in your head, masking your faint irritation. You pressed your lips together, sight on your cushions. “Someone I like quite a lot.” You vaguely said, voice distant. “Though I don’t think you’d understand— you’re not one to fall in love, no?”

It was half a joke but half a real question, one with solely one right answer you yearned to hear from him if you got lucky enough. Peter blinked nervously, fear burning in his stomach, clenching his insides as his tongue dared to break free from his control, from his cowardly spell. “Lately I’ve had someone in mind.” He breathed out, close to breaking out in a sweat. He watched how your eyes dimly lit up, hesitance impeding the light from fully glowing.

“Really? And who is this ‘someone’?”

“It’s a secret.”

“Tell me.”

“Not now.” He gulped. You pouted, begging with your eyes. “N-no.”

“Are you ever gonna make a move?”

Peter drew his lower lip between his teeth, feeling dizzy just by thinking about it; the downfall of the relationship once the distance became too much, once the malaise with no cure finally rotted the adoration, infested the heart, decayed it. “No.” Same answer. Same bedeviled word that boomed in his head whenever his emotions were close to getting the best of him.

“Why haven’t you done it yet?” You whispered, not caring anymore about how obvious you were

being. He frowned. Why hadn’t he done it yet?

“I don’t know if I should.”

“Why not?”

Why not? His own thoughts repeated, betraying him. The confusion unlatched the cage, released all the questions and doubts about his reasons and dread. They crowded his brain, rang in his ears. “It’s… it’d be too hard to keep the relationship alive.” He retold more to himself and the storm of interrogations than you.

Your brows snapped together, your own fear knocking on the door again. “Is it not worth it to try, though?” It’s what you’d told yourself: the antidote to unfreeze your limbs and wave goodbye at the concern hanging in there, because… was it not?

In the overwhelming haziness, he finally looked at you. It’s what he needed to come upon a realization, a truth he knew all along but crumbled and threw away. Everything hushed, one single, final phrase in the quiet of it all.

Convenient wasn’t what he wanted.

“It is.” He said under his breath.

You heard him, and your eyes twinkled. “Well, then make the move.”

He couldn’t help it anymore. His eyes found your lips.

“I will.”

You stared at each other for a moment, anticipation never more warming than right then as it fluttered in your chest. To your biggest disappointment, he broke eye contact and stood up. “Close your eyes for a moment.” He ordered, his face indistinguishable in the dark now that he was further away.

“Creepy, but okay.” You huffed, your eyelids fluttering shut. “You better not be running away right now, you’d break my poor ol’ heart.”

“Don’t worry, that’s not the case.” You heard him say. You trusted him, which could’ve been a terrible choice. The total silence that followed didn’t put you to ease at all, honestly. Maybe you annoyed him so much with your questions that he was about to murder you, and if that’s what was happening, you were quite sad, to say the least.

Your eyelids were itching to open and you lifted a brow, straining your ears to distinguish any sign of his presence. “What the hell are you doing?”

“You’re not gonna believe what’s about to happen.”

You snorted at his reference, but his voice was… oddly close. You opened your eyes, and— “Oh, fuck!” You yelped and jumped back in your seat. Damn right you weren’t gonna believe what was about to happen, for Peter dangled from the ceiling right in front of you, upside down.

“Is it too much of a strange idea? I was going to simply stick to the ceiling upside down, but then I thought… that’d be… worse.” He clumsily explained. You looked up at the web he hung from, laughing in disbelief.

“What the hell are you doing?” You repeated, but you weren’t mad— your large smile backed that up. You couldn’t figure out if it was a blush creeping up his face or if it was from the fact that he was upside down. Both, maybe.

“I’m making a move.”

You giggled, glad you confessed what you considered to be a perfect type of kiss to him or else you wouldn’t had witnessed how absolutely ridiculous he looked right now. “So you’re willing to help me check 'kissing someone upside down’ off my bucket list?” You smirked.

He grinned. “It would be my pleasure.”

You bit your lip, placing both hands on his head. “Alright, then.“ 

You leaned forward, the tip of your nose brushing against his chin. You softly kissed the area below his bottom lip to tease him, but he didn’t want to wait any longer. Not after so long. Quickly, he enclosed your own bottom lip with his mouth, lastly fully aware that inconvenient truly was magnificent.

[bamiiib]

Ethereal | Jung Jaehyun

Masterlist

One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six

The taste of a new world just sitting on the tip of your tongue. He looks at you with a wanderlust gaze, and instantly you wanted nothing more than to drink that look in, and share it with him. A new life is waiting for you, but new conflict begins to sprout, all with a man who you respected so much, all to come crashing down.

Words: 5.4K

Category: Modern!AU, Angst, Fluff

Song Rec: Turning Page — Sleeping at Last

Warnings: Slight sexual content, Explicit language

A/N: about diddly darn dang time these two had a spicy scene, although i prefer not to write explicit smut, i hope y’all get the idea of whats going on *wink wink* plus i prefer for this “smut scene” to sound more romantic on behalf of Y/N and the emotions she feels through Jaehyun, a lil uwu moment for us all. anyway, sorry for the sudden disappearance man, school has been piling up and i got sick for a week so... i’m a bit behind on that lmao, but i hope you all enjoy this chapter! xoxo bambi (ps. sorry if the spacing seems funky, i’m tryna see something bc of the weird font going on w/ mobile tumblr.)

You drove off into the night; you followed the stars as the moonlit sky illuminated the empty streets. Down to wherever your wanderlust-filled hearts desired, and with his hand that rested in yours, it felt like you could conquer the world.

Nothing could come between the two of you, and for that, you felt at peace.

The windows rolled down, and the music humming against your ears, you rested your elbow against the car door, your chin falling into your palm.

You listened to the music, then the wind.

Everything sounded so perfect.

His voice that’d echo here and then, whispering sweet nothings to you, it felt harmonic.

The car had come to a stop in front of a hill. Jaehyun removed his seatbelt and leaned into you, taking in your lips in his, savoring his sweet taste.

Your hands that held onto his neck, pulling him closer enough for him to lean more than halfway towards you.

He kissed you as if it were the last thing left in the world, pulling you by your waist, tugging you enough as you moved from your seat into his, straddling his lap.

You felt him smile between each kiss. They lingered from your lips, trailing down to your neck, Jaehyun took in every piece of you.

Studying each part of your body.

His fingertips that grazed your skin, skimming over your body like one would to a book.

Each line of a beautiful word in a book filled with passion, pressed in a sweet, chaste kiss.

You moved to the back of the car, the music still playing in the background and the windows rolled back up, yet it all seemed like white noise.

Your clothes scattered on the floor, his skin pressed against yours, his hand that fit perfectly as your fingers intertwined with his. How his body seemed perfectly made to fit with yours.

A missing piece of the puzzle, found.

Each word he whispered in your ear as he rolled delicately into you, sweet like the milk and honey taste that lingered in his lips.

He took you in, touching you, reading you.

Taking everything in down to memory, he wanted nothing more than to recite everything about you.

To memorize each piece of you, till it burned in the back of his mind.

How he longed to read you, over, over, and over.

Jaehyun could never get enough of you, and you to him. Each touch pressed against your body, a new redefining phrase, your lips that whispered his name, how he wanted you to say nothing else except his name.

You were poetry, and Jaehyun wanted nothing more than to recite you with every breath he took, and every beat of his bold heart.

Every ounce of pain you felt in your life, pouring out and exchanged for love with his heart he gave so willingly to you.

You didn’t want to run.

You didn’t want to hide.

You wanted to be here, with him. 

Jaehyun.

That was all you could see, and that was all you ever wanted to remember.

To forget about the pain that turned to numbness, and to forget about everything bad in the world, because with Jaehyun—nothing could be so bad.

All you could see, and all you wanted to remember was this.

Him.

To Jaehyun’s beautiful eyes that’d shine just as bright as the stars above you as he watched your every movement. His smile, bright enough for the sun to envy, especially with those dimples of his.

The sweat that’d trickle down his chest, his body looked as if the moon kissed it itself. The windows of the car steaming up, hiding the two of you away from the world.

You looked at him as if he were this God, and how he’d look at you, as if you were his Goddess. Together, the two of you had ruled the world. A world where the only thing that ever existed were you two.

With the weight lifting away, and in your hands no longer remained a broken heart, but instead one that was all patched up. The scars were there, but as long as he was there, you were more than willing to ignore them.

You felt safe, and you felt secure. Your heart had soared, and with that, you both had stayed there. Lying in the back of the car with nothing more but a thin blanket covering your naked bodies and listened to the sweet music and the winds of the midnight air.

There, until sleep had lulled you into euphoric thoughts and beautiful dreams.

When your eyes opened, the music was off, and the birds had sung their morning tunes. The cicadas echoing loudly past the car windows as nature played its beautiful symphony.

You turned, and your arm had bumped into something. When you looked to see what it was, you were quick to smile, and felt Jaehyun’s arm wrapped around your waist lazily as he snored soundly.

You watched his chest heave up and down, the peace that took over his face, you brought a hand towards him, itching to touch him as you stared.

His skin tinted a gorgeous golden tan by the sunlight, bright enough for you to notice the tiny freckles that scattered his face. You moved your hand away, deciding it best not to touch and to let him sleep.

A hand quickly reached for your wrist before it could even fall. You gasped shortly, looking over at Jaehyun, and watched his eyes flutter open.

How in the light, the dark brown turned honey, you felt star-struck at the sight. Instantly, you wanted to drown in that sweet honey brown color of his eyes.

His thin lips curving to a smile and his dimples popping, Jaehyun pulled you close, resting his chin above your head after placing a short kiss against it.

“Good morning beautiful.” He said, voice husky and groggy from just waking up, and set something to ignite in you.

“Morning.” You whispered back, resting the hand he had let go on his bare chest, tracing short shapes onto it.

“Last night was… fun. First time doing it in a car y’know.” Your face instantly flushed at his words, taking back to what he meant, and that was when you realized the entire situation that unfolded before you.

Quickly, you shot up from where you rested, grabbing the blanket enough to cover yourself up with a sharp gasp breathing through your lips.

You looked around through the windows, relieved to see that the area still seemed just as abandoned as it did last night, and reached out for your phone that rested on the passenger’s seat.

“Shit. Shit, shit shit!” You muttered, raking your fingers through your tangled hair. Jaehyun furrowed his brows as he sat upright next to you, his lips pressed against your bare back and pressed tiny kisses onto it.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, but still found himself lost in the world you two had created, unlike you, who forced yourself back into reality, rather than the dream you deeply wished to still be in.

“It’s about to be 2, I-I gotta get home Jaehyun!” You explained, eyes wide and reached for your clothes that scattered in the backseat floor.

You listened to Jaehyun groan as you slipped into your undergarments, with him reaching for the straps of your bra and sliding them back down, kissing your back like he was earlier.

“I woke up just now though… five more minutes?” You turned around to face him, and he stared directly at you. You scoffed as you were met with those damn eyes of his, and that damn expression.

You shook your head and put on your shirt and climbed towards the passenger’s seat. “Don’t give me those fucking puppy dog eyes, I won’t fall for it!” You shouted stubbornly, but shrieked as a pair of hands snaked around your waist, pulling you back towards the back as he peppered you in kisses.

You couldn’t help the fit of laughter you fell in as you attempted to push Jaehyun away. He remained stubborn, and it was when he reached your lips, went from playful to passionate in a matter of seconds.

You melted into the kiss, at first what started as mischievous that turned lustful, you wrapped your arms around him, running your fingers through his hair.

His kisses traveled from your lips, to your collarbone, and when he found that spot that made you weak, you groaned and pushed him away.

“Come on, don’t do this! It’s not fair!” You whimpered, shaking your head as Jaehyun pressed a short kiss to your lips. “Fine.” He groaned, jutting out his lip, and you smiled gently. 

“You know what…” You mumbled, reaching back for your phone and seeing it was empty of notifications.

Your smile turned to a smirk, when you looked back at a curious Jaehyun, threw your phone to a place you’d worry about later.

“Fuck it, five more minutes won’t kill anyone.” With that, you pushed Jaehyun back down on the seats, and repeated last nights’ events.

The drive back was filled in comfortable silence. You and Jaehyun would sing along to whatever song would come up now and then, and would fall in a fit of laughter whenever someone messed up.

You even surprised him completely when a rap song came up, and you could complete every verse without falter, surprising yourself along the process.

With the sunlight bathing over your bodies, windows rolled back down and the wind rushing through your already-messy hair.

You took a deep breath in, staring at the vacant fields slowly turn to crowded buildings. You turned to face Jaehyun, immersed in driving, one hand resting peacefully onto your thigh.

“So…” You had spoken up, turning down the volume of the booming music. “Hm?” Jaehyun hummed in response. “How did you find that place, anyway?” You asked, looking at him as Jaehyun’s lips curved into a sweet smile.

“When I moved here, I didn’t really ‘fit in’ with most crowds, so I spent most of my time driving to wherever the fuck the wind took me and… I guess I found my way there.” He explained, watching a spark filled with adventure fill his eyes. It had set your adrenaline to pump all over again, wanting to taste that same adventure he ventured to.

“You really seem the reckless type, aren’t you?” You had asked with a smug grin, in which he could only respond with that exact expression.

“You’ll never get bored babe. I can assure you that.” He said just in time of a red light, turning to face you and flashed a quick wink. You scoffed in response, but smiled. “I’m counting on it.”

You got home, pressing a quick kiss to Jaehyun’s lips before parting ways. You entered the eerily quiet home, and everything was there right where you left it.

Your father sprawled on the couch, dozing off in his work uniform, one beer bottle placed on the floor, and snoring a fit.

Relief washed over you, slowly tiptoeing your way towards your room, whispering to yourself repeatedly, “Don’t wake up, don’t wake up, please don’t wake up.”

But not everything could go your way.

“Y/N? Where the hell have you been?! Do you have any idea how worried sick I was?!” Your father shot up from where he lied, shouting your ear off as you heaved a sigh and nodded your head, accepting the scoldings.

When that was done and over with, you had got just a slap on the wrist, walking back to your room, you made your way towards your mattress, and fell into its softness.

You shut your eyes, fingers fumbling with the silky sheets below you, thinking back to everything that happened. How light replaced darkness. A mess that was your heart fixed and tended to, all by one person.

One muse.

You smiled, as the memories flashed through your head. Each touch still lingering even after hours of it happening. You wanted to remember it all.

His lips that’d press against yours, soft and smooth, supple and sweet, you grew addicted from his candied lips.

Pulling him in a gentle embrace, breathing him in, and how he had always smelled like vintage bookstores and warm cafe’s.

His skin that felt so soft as your hands would roam every inch of his body. Jaehyun was perfect in your eyes, and you were perfect in his, no matter how hard you’d try to deny.

Every day spent with him felt like something pulled from a novel. Each page filled with newfound suspense, a new adventure through every chapter, falling deeper in love with him, you never wanted this story to end.

Days turned to weeks, then soon turning to months, each day spent with Jaehyun.

Finally, you were beginning to taste adulthood, no longer bearing the same mind the teenage you had carried, you were more mature. More aware.

Fear no longer drove your decisions, and darkness no longer took control of your heart. Instead, your days had filled with warmth and love, and that love had Jaehyun’s smile written into it.

Your relationship had grown stronger overtime, hanging out more often than what people would consider normal, but you didn’t care. The world wasn’t ever considered to be normal, anyway.

Your father was quick to find out about your relationship with him, and thankfully, he was quick to accept him into the family. Sure it was small, and broken, but Jaehyun didn’t care, and made himself home right away.

Everything filled with light, you remember that wash of relief, to see the shadows no longer chasing after you, begging you to come back into the dark.

Your memories filled with regret, hated, and fear, wiped away with joy, love, and courage.

You had felt anew, and everyone around you had noticed. You didn’t hide in a shell, and a newfound confidence was born into you. You took more risks, all with a wide grin and a contagious laugh.

Everything felt right with the world.

It was nearing midnight, and you were staring up at the blank ceiling, can’t seeming to rid your thoughts enough to sleep. You toss and turn, yet it all seemed pointless, so you reached for your phone and scrolled through your social media.

Curling your lips in a line, you groaned as you sat up, looking around the mess of your room, and an idea had sprout into your head. With a grin, you tossed yourself right out of bed, slipping into a thick coat to keep you warm from the harsh winter night.

Sneaking down the stairs where your father had fallen asleep on the couch—as per usual—you had noticed a piece of paper hanging from his outstretched hand.

Your brows furrowed, and your plans were quick to come at a stop and the sight.

  You walk towards your father, holding in your breath in fear of waking him up, despite knowing all too well what a heavy sleeper he was; you remained cautious.

Tiptoeing closer, you slipped the paper away from his hands, stepping away and stared at the colored sheet.

Your eyes and widened, and your heart had dropped, you read the words etched in thick, bold ink.

“A pink slip…? Dad, you got fired from your job?” You whispered, aware that he couldn’t hear your question, as if it were more to yourself as you stared at him in disbelief.

It left you confused, setting the paper down as you examined your father. He was a hardworking man. He always uses all of his blood, sweat, and tears to make sure he was doing his job.

A part of you didn’t want to believe this, knowing how much of a fighter your dad was. Surely they’d have a good reason for firing him… right?

You shook your head, raking your fingers through your hair and stumbled towards the kitchen to grab a drink of water to ease your troubled mind.

You opened the fridge, groaning at the sudden fluorescent light that had greeted you abruptly, it was when your heart had dropped.

Beer bottles scattered every inch of the fridge, not a single hint of any other liquid—or even food for that matter—found.

College had been piling up on you, most of your meals being spent over at Jaehyun’s, as Taeyong was always more than happy to cook for just the two of them. You hadn’t ever really eaten at home. Never eaten a single meal with your father ever since you graduated high school and entered college.

Your father was always so busy with work anyway, so you never saw him until he’d come home late at night, and fall into the same spot in the same couch like every other night.

You never really had the chance to make sure if your father was eating well or not.

Your chest felt heavy, and rather than sorrow, you had felt anger.

Betrayal.

All this time, you had thought your father was finally breaking out of his habit. That he would finally create a new man in himself, just as you had with your own self.

You remember the joy that spread throughout your heart in seeing your sober father act like the man he used to be before your mother had left.

But now… now it all seemed like it was nothing more but a facade.

A fake.

Acting.

That’s what it was.

Everything was a lie.

Your breath grew shaky, your teeth clenching tightly, you shut the fridge and walked back towards the front door. Taking the car keys in one single swoop from the coffee table, you glared at your father.

All this time, the man who you had respected the most… can barely respect himself.

Without a second thought, you walked right out the door.

Driving in the empty streets, the only sound filling your ears were the engine of your car running as you drove. Your mind still clouded in those thoughts, you parked in front of a familiar apartment complex, staring up at the tall building with a blank, deadpan expression.

You wanted something to numb this pain. To numb everything, and to take you away from the real world.

You watched the numbers rise as you stood in the elevator, shoving your cold hands in the pockets of your coat.

The door opened, and you listened to your heels click louder and louder the closer you got to that certain room. You arrived, and brought a hand up towards the door, yet it remained still.

You didn’t dare knock. Maybe you should turn back, try to forget everything that happened tonight. You were making a mistake, and you shouldn’t bring other people into something so personal to you.

But that feeling remained. That sense of want, filling your aching heart. The sense of need. To have all of this be numbed away, and for you to focus on it for another time.

You knocked on the door, and after a short moment, it swung open, and a half-awake Jaehyun greeted you. “Y/N? What are you doing here…?” He croaked, ruffling his messy hair. Your throat went dry and a bittersweet smile was drawn onto your lips.

“I just… wanted to see you.” The words had escaped your lips as if automatically, but when his eyes searched up and found yours, you were quick to avert his gaze.

You didn’t feel brave enough to look into them, because deep down, if you did, you knew everything would just come spilling out, and tell him everything that happened in such a short amount of time.

“O-Oh, well you should’ve texted me ahead of time babe, I would’ve stayed awake.” Jaehyun said as he smiled sweetly.

You felt guilty and continued to stare down at your shoes. “I-I know. Sorry.” You whispered. Jaehyun shook his head, taking a step towards you and pulled you in a warm embrace.

“Don’t be. I don’t mind unexpected visits if it’s from you.” He said, and as much as your heart wished to flutter, you had choked down on the butterflies that wished to roam.

“It’s cold out here, let’s get inside and I can make us something warm to drink, yeah?” He said, leading you inside as you nodded your head and laughed dryly.

He sat you down on the couch as you stared at the blank TV. The lights flickered on, and you could hear Jaehyun pour water into some mugs, then the sound of the microwave as he sorted through some boxes.

“Jasmine tea like the usual babe?” He asked, peeking his head towards you as you nodded at him. He smiled again and disappeared back into the kitchen.

Now that you think of it, you weren’t really lying when you said you wanted to see him. You’ve both been busy with your studies, you hardly had the time to see each other, but now it was winter break, and you wanted nothing more than to spend it with him.

Guess tonight was just a bad night to start because now—now you wanted to go home and curl up in the comfort of your warm bed.

You didn’t want to put all this pressure onto Jaehyun. It was none of his business to know, and you didn’t want to use him as some kind of toy you can use to distract yourself with. You weren’t like that, and you couldn’t dare allow yourself to use him like that.

“So…” You cleared your throat in attempts to distract your thoughts away from your home life.

“How’re your classes going?” You asked, watching Jaehyun walk towards you with two steaming mugs in hand. “Stressful, but hey, school is school. How about you? How’s business going for you?” He asked as he handed you a cup, in which you took graciously and took a long sip.

“It’s… well it’s okay. I suppose.” You said, your grip on your mug tightening, you stared at your dismorphed reflection through the liquid that sloshed in your cup.

It wasn’t something you were passionate about. Hell, it wasn’t even something you’d ever dream of doing, but you did it, because you believed that it’d help you and your father out from the hellhole place you both live in.

You wanted to create a better life for yourself, but for him especially.

To live happily without having to stress so much about work, just so you guys can continue to live where you live today. To think, all this time you had lived so selflessly, did every single thing for him, yet this is what he chose.

Nothing more but bitter liquor and endless sleep.

In another life maybe, you would’ve chosen something else.

Art.

You had thought back to that painting of Jaehyun from months ago, moments after confessing to him.

How even after months of being with him, he remained your muse. It was your little secret, and for the moment, you had no intentions of telling anyone, but you were happy to have him.

“You suppose? C’mon Y/N, where’s my spunky girl at? Usually you’d have something to say about it!” Jaehyun said as he brushed your shoulder with his. You smiled gently, shaking your head and took another sip before placing your mug down on the coffee table before you.

“How about you? Is the dream of becoming a ‘lawyer’ still there for you?” You asked with a grin, turning your body so that you were facing him.

It was with those words; you watched the smile that plastered Jaehyun’s lips, soon fall. He sighed, but before you could comment, his smile returned, only this time, it seemed more… empty.

Sad, maybe.

“Actually… I’m not sure what I want anymore.” He admitted, and your brows furrowed, scooting closer to him as your leg had rested just slightly on top of his.

  “What do you mean?” You asked cautiously, and with that, Jaehyun had let out a short laugh, one in which you were all too aware, was fake.

“Actually… the entire reason I came here in the first place was to go to college and study just that. I never asked to come here, nor did I ever ask to become a lawyer. It was just something that was forced onto me.” He explained, and you listened with a pained heart.

“Don‘t get me wrong! I’m glad I came here. If I didn’t, then I never would’ve met you! And who knows what kind of person I’d be now if that happened…” You smiled sadly at his words as Jaehyun turned to look at you, then bringing a hand to grasp onto yours, a gentle grip tugging onto your palm.

“If anything… you taught me something.” He started, staring down at your hands as you felt his thumb graze against the back of your hand delicately.

“You taught me to fight. To follow what my heart tells me, no matter how scared I can be. If I listen hard enough, maybe… just maybe—things can go my way.” He said, head tilting up, and he met your eyes that had been watching him carefully all this time.

You smiled faintly, and you hadn’t realized the tears that were threatening to spill until your vision became blurry with tears. Even without telling him a single thing, it was like he knew what you were feeling.

Every emotion that courses through him and pours onto you. It might as well feel like you two were the same person.

Two people, born into unfortunate families, who have to follow unfortunate destinies written out for them. All to please people who probably don’t even deserve it.

You loved your father dearly, but if this was the destiny he had written for himself, you could only do so much before you break in his place.

Even if this was the path you choose, even if you break for him—deep down, you knew he’d break right after.

You’d do anything for your father; to prove your mother wrong with those harsh words she threw at him when you were young, but for once, as you listened to Jaehyun’s words, you wanted to do something for yourself.

“No, Jaehyun… I think you’ve got it all wrong.” You said faintly, listening to Jaehyun’s confused hum as you brought your free hand up to cup his cheek.

“I think it was you who taught me strength.” You said, and tears had streamed down your cheeks. Jaehyun’s eyes widened at the sight, quick to wipe them away before they could dare crash onto the floor below.

He smiled and kissed your forehead delicately.

“I’m dropping out.” You heard him say, and your eyes shot wide open, and backed yourself away from him in surprise. “You’re… what? Why?” You asked in a moment of shock. Jaehyun sighed, nodding his head at your reaction and turned himself around to face the front.

“I don’t want to be my parents’ puppet anymore. I’m an adult now, and I should write out the destiny that I want. I-I know this might sound crazy, but I can do this. We, can do this! Our own little adventure! Run away from all of our troubles! What do you say, Y/N?” Your breath hitched at his words, meeting up his eyes that sparked with that familiar determination and enthusiasm that had been dull for a sparing second.

Every inch of your consciousness would say no. You’d still force yourself into this destiny that you had put yourself in, to better a man who can’t better himself.

You wanted to help your father; you didn’t want him to be alone, but how can you do all of that, when he can’t even help himself?

He knows all that you do for him, begs you to follow your passions. He’s the first light in your life, but now that light was dimming.

Despite him wanting you to follow your dreams, you still think about him. To better him, because if you better him, in a way—you’ll better yourself.

Why was that?

Even when fears get the best of you, you still think about others, rather than yourself. You sighed, and in your mind, apologized to your father, yet thanking him.

He only wants what is best for you, only wants you to be yourself. The only thing holding you back from all of it, is you. You looked at Jaehyun, your smile widening, you nodded.

“Okay. Let’s do it.” With that, he fell in a fit of short giggles and pressed tiny kisses all over your face.

You laughed, attempting to push him away enough to catch your breath, and that was when the reality of it all had hit you.

“W-Wait! So… how are we going to do this? What even is the first step?” You asked, and Jaehyun’s smile was quick to fall, pushing himself away from you and walked in circles, lost in thought.

You watched, head tilted in curiosity as you set your cup aside.

“I… well, I was thinking, actually…” Jaehyun said, and you hummed quietly, nodding your head when his eyes looked to meet up with yours.

“You know, Taeyong and I are best friends and all, but I’ve always wanted to live on my own. Make my own life with no help from the moment I moved to this place, and…” His voice wandered, and you stood up, reaching for Jaehyun’s hands and squeezed them gently in reassurance.

His mouth opened, yet no words came out. Lost in thought, his eyes wandering to everywhere else but you, your lips curled in a line, stubborn and curious.

You reached towards Jaehyun’s face with one hand, turning his face enough so he had no other choice but to look at you.

Jaehyun breathed out a dry, nervous laugh, nodding his head, you found the anxiety that burned deep in those eyes of his.

“I’ve been saving up, and I found this place. I-It’s not the best—in fact it’s quite shitty but—” Jaehyun rambled, but you knew well with what he was leading towards, and a bright grin was plastered onto your lips.

“Babe!” You shouted in attempts to snap him back, in which Jaehyun could only reply with another nervous chuckle.

“I want you to move in with me! A place, for the two of us! That way, we can see each other more without classes—or even life getting in the way! A place… so we can have somewhere to call our own little world, just for the two of us. What do you say?” Your eyes had welled up in tears at the thought.

Never in a million years did you ever even dream of ever moving to a place of your own so early in life, at least, not until you graduated college first, especially moving in with the person who showed you to love, and who showed you to not fear over everything.

You nodded your head once, twice, endlessly, and with a tiny shriek, wrapped your arms around Jaehyun and pulled him in a tight embrace, one in which he reciprocated as he twirled you around on the spot, and kissed your lips sweetly.

“I’m taking that as a yes?” He said, and you choked out a laugh and nodded your head.

“Yes. A million times, yes! Anywhere with you, I’ll be there.” You stated happily and kissed his lips once more.

A new life was being offered to you, and although you had many things to leave behind, this is what you wanted more than the entire world.

A fresh start.

A new you.

A world, in which you can lose yourself with no worries, because in that world, there’s Jaehyun, and that was all you needed to be okay. Not perfect, but just okay, because that was perfect for you. 

“I like having you over and all Y/N, but can you guys keep the screaming to a minimum? It’s 2 in the fucking morning!” Taeyong had abruptly shouted down the hallway, as your eyes widened when you turned to Jaehyun, and quickly, the two of you had fallen in a fit of laughter.

Yeah, not perfect in the eyes of many, but to you, it was more than that.

This was definitely the life you wanted. Until the end.

[cometcrystal]

Okay, I officially want to get into the gorillaz because of all your reblogs. So, if you are not busy, please Tell. Me. Everything. I want to know history/best songs/fun facts/anything. Please and thank you.

im so excited!! i love that my reblogs made you wanna get into gorillaz that makes me so beyond happy

gorillaz is a virtual band, and the members are 2d (lead singer), murdoc (bass), noodle (guitar), and russel (drums). these are just characters, though, and the irl members of gorillaz are MANY. there’s been SO MANY people that have worked on gorillaz, and i wouldn’t be surprised if it was in the hundreds. but the main guys are damon albarn, who does the music, and jamie hewlett, who does the artwork!

the best songs from each phase are just my own opinion and all of their albums are definitely worth full listens, these are just the ones that i personally love the most!

self-titled

5/4. i have no excuse for this one it’s just sick

clint eastwood, which is what a lot of ppl say but honestly? there’s a reason this one was the big single off this album

slow country, bc it is SO overlooked

demon days

o green world, i love the creepy horror movie noises in it

dirty harry, especially live performances, go look up the BRITS performance of this song and look how much fun the kids are having

don’t get lost in heaven/demon days. the first time i listened to this pair of songs, i was at an assembly for school and ignoring it with my ipod and it was an EXPERIENCE

plastic beach

welcome to the world of the plastic beach, you cannot go wrong with snoop dogg

rhinestone eyes, because it feels very classic gorillaz

on melancholy hill is beautiful and ethereal 

DONCAMATIC

others

rockit is just a jam lets be honest

the soulchild remix of 19-2000, which i actually like better than the original

revolving doors (i count this one as other bc The Fall is such an anamoly of an album)

doyathing is just so much fun

let it out is shaping up to be my favorite song off of humanz we’ve seen so far but i am filing it under “others” because the album isnt out yet!

AND there is a certain order you should watch the music videos, since it goes with the story! phase 1 is ok to watch out of order imo but phase 2 and 3 need to stay in order.

Tomorrow Comes Today

Clint Eastwood

19-2000

5/4 (Storyboard)

Rock the House

Rockit

DARE

Dirty Harry

Feel Good Inc.

El Manana

Stylo

Melancholy Hill

Broken (Live Visual)

Doncamatic

Rhinestone Eyes (Storyboard)

DoYaThing

and now ill do my best to summarize the entire lore! this will be under a cut because it is so so much already. the gorillaz wiki also does a really good job of explaining this story on each of the character’s pages if you want more detail!

pre-phase 1 and phase 1 (xxxx-2000)

murdoc is the oldest member, and he grew up in a shitty household where his father made him humiliate himself for money. his nose got broken in fights several times and permanently misshaped it

2d grew up in a good household with supportive parents, and his first job was in a record store. this is where murdoc crashed his car one day right into 2d’s face and put him in a coma, making one of his eyes pure black

murdoc was assigned to look after 2d as part of his probation, and ended up giving him MORE head trauma when he tried impressing some girls with car tricks w/ the comatose 2d in the car. 2d woke up with both his eyes black, and murdoc knew he had to be his dream band’s frontman. 2d’s paranoia and anxiety is made worse w/ murdoc around

russel’s backstory is the saddest i think, he grew up in america and had several close friends, but they were all killed in a drive-by shooting except him. their spirits inhabited his body and they come out sometimes to rap, like his best friend and soulmate Del does for clint eastwood and rock the house. but he also suffers really bad mental problems because of this

murdoc kidnapped russel to be the drummer for gorillaz after he secured 2d, and russel was going to leave until he heard the kind of music murdoc wanted to do, and liked it

all 3 of them stayed in a run-down music studio called kong studios

noodle was created as past of a japanese experiment about manufacturing superchildren for the military, and her specialty was music but her brain is programmed with knowledge on how to kill. after she and the other children turned 10, Mr. Kyuzo, who was in charge of the project, saved noodle after the government scrapped the project and killed all the other children.

gorillaz was originally going to have 2d’s girlfriend at the time, paula cracker, as their guitarist, but she was booted after she and murdoc were caught fucking in one of the stalls at kong studios

so they needed a guitarist, so they put out an advertisement and literally moments later, a giant crate showed up at kong. noodle was inside, since mr. kyuzo had seen the ad and sent her to safety. the only word she could speak in english was “noodle”, so that’s how she got her name

the band released an album and toured and all that band stuff, you can see some of the slice of life stuff on youtube in videos called “bitez” but the Fancy Dress one is kinda tasteless on murdoc’s part, im just warning you. it was from 2000 and gorillaz has moved past jokes like that, even with murdoc

eventually, the band was allowed to make a movie, but due to arguing between everyone, they felt the tension was too high and decided to split up for a while

in-between phase 1 and phase 2 (2000-2005)

2d went back home and worked at his dad’s carnival, had a good time

murdoc lived in a brothel and then went to prison for a while but escaped

russel just wandered some but the grim reaper found him and took the souls of his dead friends from his body, leading to him having a massive breakdown. he lived in ike turner’s basement for a bit after that

noodle went to japan to learn about her past (since she didn’t remember anything about the project due to mind wiping) and the phrase “ocean bacon” triggered her brain to remember everything. she also remembered how to speak every language bc that was part of her programming

when noodle returned to kong by herself, she spent a while getting rid of the zombies while she wrote the first draft of the album demon days. she called the boys back when she was done because she needed them to help her finish it

phase 2 (2005)

after the album demon days was out for a while, noodle had been considering taking another break (lmao can they please chill out for two seconds) so she made a plan with murdoc to help her FAKE HER DEATH

he helped her make it look like the floating island in the feel good inc/el manana music videos crashed and she died in the wreckage, but she escaped

there’s SO many versions of this story, one of which noodle DID die and went to hell, but murdoc is unreliable and noodle said she faked her death in a recent phase 4 interview so i believe her

with noodle gone, the band saw nothing else to do but go their separate ways yet again, 2d and russel greatly saddened by noodle’s disappearance 

phase 3 (2010)

murdoc cannot go too long without attention, so he decided that gorillaz needed a 3rd album. he kidnapped 2d AGAIN and couldn’t find russel so he jsut created a drum machine to drum in his place. the only problem is, their guitarist was “dead”

murdoc went to the el manana wreckage and found some of noodle’s DNA, and using this, created cyborg noodle. cyborg noodle is modeled after her 15 year old self, and is equipped with several guns, some of them built into her. she never speaks

murdoc takes all of this to an island that is the furthest from any point on land that he has decked out; plastic beach. it is just an island of floating trash with a condo on it. he keeps 2d in the basement, which terrifies him since 2d is afraid of whales and they go by his window underwater every way

there is also a villain in this phase named the boogie man. i’m honestly not sure what his motivation is other than being evil

russel hears that murdoc is up to some fuck shit so he straight up just. walks into the ocean and starts swimming to find him. on the way he eats something radioactive, and this makes him grow to the size of a building 

noodle has also decided to come out of hiding for reasons unknown. she has the same idea as russel; she’s going after murdoc on a cruise line, when the boogie man’s pirates find out she is there, and attack the ship and sink it

noodle escapes on a lifeboat with only her guitar, and ends up finding russel in the ocean! she and her dad have both gotten bigger in different ways and she just sticks with him

they find plastic beach, which is being attacked by more pirates. noodle kills cyborg noodle after cyborg malfunctions and tries killing murdoc, but also? 2d said in a recent interview that cyborg noodle is still alive? so who knows

2d is swallowed by a whale (dont worry he ends up fine)

in between phase 3 and phase 4 (2010-2017)

the doyathing video does not fit with current canon so everyone in the fandom just agrees it was someone’s dream, probably 2d’s

murdoc escaped the plastic beach battle and lived in a submarine w/ cyborg for a bit until the government found him and threw him in jail again. they agreed to let him out if he created a 4th gorillaz album, so he works on trying to round everyone else up again

the whale that 2d was in died and washed up on a shore somewhere, and 2d crawled out. he lived as a castaway for a little bit until he figured out there was a town not far from where the whale washed up, and then he just spent peaceful time there. he voluntarily went back to the rest of the band after this

russel was harpooned in the ocean and taken to north korea, where he existed as an attraction for a while, cause he was still a giant. his lack of a food source made him shrink back to normal size, and he was let go. he went back to london and was eventually contacted by murdoc 

noodle woke up in a japanese fishing village after the pirate attack, and a family there helped her so she decided to work for them to repay them. while working for them, she accidentally released a demon, and spent years tracking him and finally killed him

after taking care of that, noodle packaged herself up and shipped herself to murdoc just like she did when she was 10 

and now everyones just having a good and fun time not kidnapping each other or trying to kill each other

and that’s pretty much it so far!! like i said, the gorillaz wiki has really good biographies for all the individual characters

that was so long but i tried condensing the story as much as possible! i hope this was helpful for you and if you have any more questions please ask, i love talking about gorillaz so much but it’s also a very confusing lore with contradictions 

[bitt3rsw33tsymph0ny]

1. If you had to choose, whiskey or tequila? Why?: Living in Scotland now I would have to choose whisky. Firstly, the whisky here is excellent. Secondly, whisky really sends me over the moon! I had it the other night and I don’t remember the last time I was that happy/hyperactive! I also don’t remember much... 2. While doing school work, do you take your time or do you try to get it done as quickly as possible?: With uni work it depends, I usually take my time because I won’t understand it if I go fast. Unless I have a deadline coming up, in which case it’s not my choice. 3. When did you last wear a scrunchi?: A few weeks ago. 4. If you were a writer, what would you write about most?: I think i’d probably write history books and articles. Fiction is my forte with writing but realistically if I had a job writing it would be related to research.

5. Do you sometimes yell to get your point across?: Not intentionally but sometimes when I’m riled up enough.

6. If you get a period, what symptoms do you get when you PMS?: I think my moods get affected, like I’ll be much more likely to lose my rag and cry over something insignificant. I also tend to crave things like chocolate and get hungrier easier. 7. Is there anyone at your school with a cool accent? What kind of accent is it?: Loads of people from everywhere. I have a few south african friends with nice accents, a few american friends (from the deep south), that’s a pretty interesting accent. Also my sexy Italian friend Co who I could probably listen to all day. 8. What is stressing you out most right now?: I have a 4000 word essay due in two weeks I have yet to start, so yes impending deadline stress. I also got matched for a fight in early Nov, so that’s quite nerve-wracking, my first real fight and all. I have less than three weeks to lose 5 kilos and get trained up for my fight. ARGHHHHHHHH. 9. Are you more smart and thoughtful or understanding and kind?: I’m not sure, I guess the latter? People would call me understanding/kind more than smart/thoughtful, though I like to think I try to be all those things. 10. Who last asked you for a favor? What was it?: My friend asked me to call a cab to the club last night 11. If you had to decide, what do you think people envy about you?: My white girl privilege. My upbringing in Greece and the fact i’m relatively well-off. my looks I guess? And my toughness. People are definitely jealous I can kick some ass. 12. If you want to get your crush’s attention, what do you do?: Fight them hahahah. No but seriously...or just talk to them? I’d make sure I look good round them. 13. How long have you been single or in a relationship for?: I have been single for a bit over two months now. 14. Are you closer to your friends or family?: My family and I are very close. 15. Do you know what you’re going to wear tomorrow?: Nope, but I should probably pull out an outfit, make sure I actually get to uni before 9 tomorrow. 16. Do you use white strips or anything else to whiten your teeth?: Nope, I would like to but effort. 17. Are there any special events coming up? What are they?: My fight on the 11th. Mid term break next week! Halloween! Eliotts b-day! Yay!   18. When it comes to strangers, how trusting are you?: Very trusting. Almost too trusting. I mean I’m not a complete idiot (most of the time) but I do believe the best in people and might have put myself in vulnerable potentially dangerous situations in the past. 19. If someone insults/makes fun of you, what do you do?: Knee em in the solar plexus. Or just laugh about it? Or poke fun back. Depends on the insult and who dished it out tbh. 20. What color do you think represents your personality?: Gold bitch. Nah I think a deep purple or maybe vibrant orange represents me. 21. Would you rather drive on a long straight highway or windy backroads?: Long straight highway, my tummy can be a bit sensitive on the windy roads. Though they do tend to be in prettier areas. 23. What is the fastest you’ve ever gone in a car?: Not sure. Over 100 miles an hour. 24. Have you ever seen someone break their bone in real life?: Yes, and I’ve seen my sisters arm snapped bendy like a banana. So disturbing. 25. If you got to choose an animal to disappear forever, what would it be? Why?: Uh, the one in the white house. <-- agreed! 26. What are the keys of your heart?: Food, good sex and laughter. 27. Are you sometimes a control freak?: Not really. Only in the kitchen. 28. If you’re online right now, do you have an away message up? What does it say?: Nope. 29. Do you know what your GPA is?: N/A 30. If you got to pick any winter sport to excel at, what would it be?: Skiing would be awesome. Or figure-skating tbh but I think i’d be better at the former. 31. Does it piss you off when people interrupt you? My flatmate constantly rages about this with me but I swear it’s just a cultural thing. Greeks interrupt each other, and try to talk over each other. Not to dominate the conversation, but just bc that’s how conversations go.

32. What event did you last dress up for? Who went to that event? 
 Last night. My friends 21st. A bunch of my old flatmates and first year friends.

33. What was the last picture you took with your phone? It’s a selfie. Sorry... i am merely a product of my generation

34. Are you a fashion-conscious person? Where do you buy most of your clothes? I would say so. I love having a unique style and I love expressing myself with my clothing! Most of my clothes are second-hand from my aunt, but I get a lot of stuff from random charity shops, or if i’m buying zara/hnm. 35. Do you have trouble waking up in the morning? What gets you up and awake? Oh man. Such trouble. If I have somewhere to be it’s easy for me to wake up, but if not - it’s impossible. Sometimes my flatmate comes into my room in the morning and brings me coffee to bed.

36. What’s something fun you’ve done this week? Who was there? 
 So on friday I went on the most fun date. It started in nandos, where we ordered two giant platters of chicken, then we went to a graveyard under stirling castle and smoked a joint on top of this hill. Then we walked home and on the way home, passed a park by my house which has giant swings, climbing frames and a zipline. We climbed up on top of the climbing frame and lay in a swinging basket. Smoked another joint. And THEN we went home and I had the best sex of my life, hands down. He is someone new I have only just gotten to know, a fresher from the MT club. But suffice to say it was the most fun I’ve had all week, and not just because we didn’t run out of things to say the whole night.

37. What’s the last thing you texted someone about? I cancelled a churro date with my friend because I need to study. I know, kill joy I am.

38. When and why did you last blush? 
 I think I said something stupid, that’s usually the reason anywho.

39. Do you currently have a favorite song? What is it? 
 Mazzy star - Halah, though it’s depressing af and just reminds me of Jiggles

40. What is one thing you and your best friend have in common physically? 
 We both have hazel eyes.

41. Now based on your interests, what is one thing you both have in common? We are both into the same kind of politics, interested in social/anthropological perspectives, those criticising grand narratives, such as white ex-colonial perspectives 

42. What, if anything, is hanging on your refrigerator? 
 Nada.

43. What is the last illegal thing you did, even the smallest crime? I was cycling in the dark without lights and got stopped by a police car when I crossed a road without stopping. But it was 3 in the morning and I was cycling home drunk after a night out, gimme a break.

44. How much did each individual thing you’re wearing cost? not much.

45. Is that the normal amount you spend on clothes? meh I don’t spend much on clothes.

46. Do you collect anything? Have you ever? I collect post cards from places I’ve travelled.

47. What languages do you speak? 
 English and Greek. and a wee bit of french.

50. Where do your grandparents live? My grandma lives in bridgend, wales and the other two in pelasgia, greece.

51. When is the next time you’re going on vacation? Where to? Nowhere, fourth year fun yay yay yay! I’m going to Greece actually for christmas. And I’m hoping to go somewhere in Europe in the next couple months if I find cheap flights away. I’d love to go to copenhagen or prague.

52. How well do you do in school? How are your grades compared to your siblings? I do okay, averaging on a 2:1 at the moment. My sister is an a star little kid, so she tends to do very well. 53. Does your family eat dinner together? Who does the cooking? 
 Yes quite a lot. My dad usually cooks, although my mum does too. They share the burden.

54. Are you usually motivated to work or are you a procrastinator?
 P-R-O-C-R-A-S-T-I-N-A-T-O-R.

55. Has the last month been really stressful for you? No it’s been pretty fun and chilled tbh.

56. What do you base first impressions on? (Behavior, clothing, etc.)
 Mostly the kinds of things they like to talk about, the way they interact with others (socially), how polite/friendly they are.

57. Who do you know that is a vegetarian? How about a vegan? 
 I know loads of veggies. My sister has been one for 2 years now. I also know a lot of vegans, friends from uni mostly.

58. When is the last time you went out to dinner with a friend? Where did you go? Who paid?
 Said date on friday, it was kind of meant to be a friendly thing. Nandos, he paid. 59. What was the last thing to surprise you?  Niko sent me a snapchat, very random. 

[britttracey]

EVU DNF : six letters, so much disappointment

**Elk Valley Ultra** How was I supposed to pass up a chance to run an ultra 20 minutes from my house? I just couldn't. I knew the trails-ish, it was relatively cheap, and it was the inaugural running. There was no way I was passing it up. Elk Valley Ultra is a 50k race through the mountains of Fernie, BC, boasting 2800m of elevation gain and the ability to run it as a relay team split into three legs. There are no on course aid stations, only a small selection of things at the transition areas between legs. It's hosted by the local trail running club, Stag Leap Running Co. My training for this has been mediocre at best, for whatever reason I decided subconsciously that I would just run whatever I felt like running as long as I was gradually increasing my distances. Ugh. I only got in 3 32km runs (20 miles). My training is all on strava. It's nothing impressive. With the lack of on course aid and no one crewing me, I had to put together two drop bags and rely on that and what I could carry. I gave myself only one goal: finish the fucker, even DFL is better than DNF. With a 13 hour cutoff I figured I could manage. Why do I keep signing up for things like this? Who the fuck knows. **Friday July 28, 2017** I had an epically good sleep and woke up to promptly drive to the running store and purchase everything in there. I then fumbled around my house frantically putting together my drop bags. I've never put together drop bags before and just kinda winged it, thinking of the things I might need at km 20.5 and 37. I opted not to do a shakeout run as I spent most of the day pacing back and forth. At 4 pm I drove the 20 minutes into Fernie to register and pick up my race package. The thing I like most about doing these races are the people. You start to see the same people around at races and on social media and strava, and then it's like a fun little reunion at package pickup. All my friends are faster than me so the chances of seeing them on course are very slim haha. I headed home, had dinner and went to bed as early as possible after drinking all the water I possibly could. **Saturday July 29, 2017** **Pre race** My alarm went off at 4 am and I whispered to myself: "You could just not show up... DNS." I shook it off. No way, I was nervous but it was going to be one hell of an adventure and there was no way I was going to back out of it. I put together the last of my gear, ate breakfast and loaded up to make the 20min drive to the start line. I was starting to get zen. **Leg one** "Don't trust any thoughts you have while climbing" *20.5km, 1,480m vertical gain.* The race started at 6 am, I lined up at the back, wished my friends good luck and off we went. The group took off at a blazing pace for whatever reason, the first two Kms were relatively flat but Jesus had no one ever heard of Ultra pace? I tried to remember to run my own race. We came onto the trail head for Mt. Fernie and the climb began. "Jesus this is just the first climb, I can't do this." The negative thoughts started early on in this race and honestly surprised me. But I just kept telling myself not to trust any thoughts you have while climbing a mountain. I hit the top relatively unscathed at about km 7 and felt a million times better. The trail off the other side of the mountain is called "Rocky Road" and for good reason, it's steep and narrow and full of rocks and boulders and completely unrunnable in places. I held on to a fast walk Pace through here, and felt pretty great, the scenery was fucking insanely beautiful. It was in here I started taking salt pills, my friends swear by them and I have used them a couple of times. I started taking them every hour to hour and a half. We hit the second climb into Windy Pass which was much shorter but steeper than the first climb and my legs said nope. I maintained a slow shuffle to the top, and passed a guy who was puking into the bushes. This was an omen for my later race. After the climb the rest of the leg was pretty uneventful. I managed a good little trot for most of it, spent some time with a couple really awesome folks from the prairies and worked my way back down to transition area one where my drop bag was waiting, the only thing that seemed to be the same for everyone I spoke with was the fact that the aid stations were way off. The first was supposed to be at 20.5, so I started sucking my water back around 19.5. I didn't hit the AS until km 22.1. So I spent longer than I would've liked without water as the temps started to climb. *Drop bag at end of leg one* Smaller pre-filled (water/infinit) race vest, change of clothes, jacket and gloves, k tape and mile skin, cooling towel, sunscreen, body glide,turkey jerky, boost, dried apricots, pretzels and skratch gummies. I changed my pack, sunscreened up and soaked my cooling towel before heading off into leg 2. **Leg two** "Screaming and crying" *16.5km, 720m of vertical gain.* My notes for the first section of leg two simply say: "hot stumble food", which basically sums it up. The trail leading out of the AS was flat and hot, I figured it would be a good time to play nutrition catch up as I was having a hard time eating with all the climbing. I stumbled over roots while sucking the salt off of pretzels in the hot open sun. I hit the 25km mark at 6 hours into the race and cringed as I sent out a text saying I was going to be looking at a 12 hour finish. I crossed over the road and onto the trail for the first climb. I was firmly holding up the rear with maybe a handful of people behind me and I remember clearly thinking, "I am the caboose", this may have been the last rational thought I had. The climb started and it opened right up to the blaring sun, in km 28 I found the two best little streams ever though and got everything as wet as I could both times, I honestly contemplated drinking from the second one. The project 9 climb was where things started to go wrong, I found myself stopping periodically to catch my breath, there were hot spots growing on my feet, a big horse fly wouldn't leave me alone. I stopped and screamed at the fly "Fuck off just fuck off!!" While swinging wildly at it, I was starting to lose my shit. I sat down to dump my shoes out and contemplated not getting back up, but I did. I threw up. I threw up again. And then we started down hill. "Huh? That climb was shorter than I remembered?" I pondered. It wasn't, they just had us drop down to climb back up again. I threw up some more, took a salt pill, drank some water and sat down. I cried on a log in the middle of the trail. I got back up and kept going. I kept stopping. I couldn't eat. I'd never felt so bad in my entire life. I got up the climb and stumbled the traverse across the side of the mountain in the sun so I could get back into the trees. Finally some shade and downhill, I tried to pick it up into a light jog but the motion just made me sick again. I looked at my watch, cutoff for ta2 was so close. So fucking close. I aimed for a fast walk and shut off my brain. I finally hit the part of the trail where I had picked huckleberries with my friend and our kids on a recon mission the week before, I grabbed a couple as I went by and ate them, they were so good. I washed them down with a bit of hot water from my pack and promptly threw them up. Ate a few more. They stayed down. Huh? Maybe I'd be okay. (My notes here say "huckleberry revival" haha) My watch said the AS was only a km away at km 37 and I had 30 minutes to get there! Maybe I'd be okay. "Where the fuck is the aid station?" My watch rolled over to km 38 and I still had a long way to go. The cutoff clicked closer. I fought off tears as I realized at my current pace I'd need at least 3.5 hours to get through the last section which was open and hot for one of the climbs and still another 600m of climbing. I didn't roll into to AS 2 until km 40.5. With 2,230m of climbing. With 8 minutes left before cut off. I sat down in the medic tent and let the nice volunteers hose me down with a spritzer while the doctor put ice on my neck. I was advised that the leg was at least a km longer than advertised which meant at km 40 I still had another 14-15 km to go. I made the choice to drop. DNF'ing for the first time ever. At my second ultra. I waited for a friend to come and pick me up, defeated and still unable to eat anything. **Post race** As I sat with my friends who had finished listening to war stories and being told I did really well despite the circumstances I couldn't help but feel defeated and disappointed in myself. I should've kept going and tried. Even crossing the line past cutoff was better than DNFing, surely. I could've stumble/puke/cried my way up two more hills and back down, right? I'm not a fucking quitter, this isn't me. Did I just drop? Fuck. My awesome friends reassured me and told me not to be hard on myself, and I suppose I'll feel better once I get some distance from the whole ordeal, but DNFing fucking sucks. Sometimes shit just doesn't go to plan. **Final Thoughts** I wish I knew what happened so I could fix it for next time. I have another chance at 50k in a few weeks. I'm contemplating pulling out but I shouldn't make any big decisions right now. It's hotter and more exposed, but I've finished it before. I'm coming back better next year though for sure to take this race down. It was a hard event. Very self reliant. But the volunteers were fucking amazing and the scenery made every torturous step worth while. I might even go try it solo when the weather calms the fuck down.