#run one of the clubs first (I stuck to mostly bars last semester) by myself tomorrow (depending on how sick I am) but angst over going

[rxthe1st]

Mariah & Me

The Emancipation of MeMi

The year is in the 90’s and I am in my room singing Always Be My Baby by Mariah Carey. Daydream and Fantasy were two of the first albums I remember ever having. My room faced the water, bed changing positions and in the end,  it was placed by my window. My room had a lot of space, space for dancing, acting, playing, etc. My boombox shuffled between Mariah, Ace of Bass and Spice Girls.

The year is 2000 and I am sitting in my new room. My bed is facing my TV in front of the window. Total Request Live is playing. I am eating these cookies my mom bought from Martin’; sugar cookies with these little stick sprinkles on top of them. After school each day I eat these and watch TRL, waiting to see Britney Spears, my idol. Heartbreaker comes on the TV and I see a totally different Mariah Carey. The song places in my head, I sing the song, it has the best of me, and I just keep on wanting it obsessively considering I wait for it to play each day.  I sang “I knew right from the start you’d go and break my heart.” I am bad at hearing lyrics, so sometimes I just make up my own.

The year is 2001 and Mariah Carey releases Glitter after her breakdown a couple months before. Nothing came of Glitter except the media hating Glitter. It came out the same day as the attacks on the twin towers. “They think they are going to hit Chicago!” screamed the teacher running to our history glass while we were taking a test. Mr. D looked up saying “We are taking a test.” We did not stop the test initially to take a second to see what was going on. The world was falling apart on TV. Mariah Carey, once a girl with the goal on stardom, had fallen from her grace and was in a hole.

The year is 2005 and Mariah comes back with The Emancipation of MiMi. The song “We Belong Together” plays everywhere. In 2005 I started to feel better after a two-year slump following a traumatic even that left me hopeless. My dreams of becoming an actor had faded- failed at getting a spot in Counter Points, no longer cared about dreaming but just experiencing as much as I could (mostly using Devil’s Juice) and a new version of me became.

The year is 2008, and I am in love, deep love with ARROW. Mariah releases E=MC2, the world dances to “Touch My Body.” ARROW and I were having serious issues. I had a breakdown during this time, wanting to quit school because I felt like I had abandoned everything I ever really wanted to just conform to wherever I was at the point. I took a semester off, but instead of focusing and redirecting E=MC2 towards myself and my goals, I directed it to sexual desire and everything other than my Dreams, stuck in a Fantasy that wasn’t the same as it was a decade prior.

I am in Spain sitting at a computer hearing “I Kissed A Girl” for the first time, amazed at the song, typing to ARROW that I love him and miss him on Facebook Messenger. I loved Spain so much, but all I could think about was ARROW. I had a picture of him that I slept with ever night. Later that year, ARROW and I reached our breaking point- it was in the fall after he had moved in with Ashley.

The year is 2009.

I am sitting in a shower, drunk and crying in Fort Lauderdale because my heart feels like it is shattered in a million pieces. I am a total mess. A drunk mess. I loved Fort Lauderdale but all I wanted to do was go home. ARROW and I were done, I think, it’s fuzzy.

Mariah releases “Memories of an Imperfect Angel” and with song “Obsessed.” We all sing it, it becomes a “saying”, it is used, I am a recipient of the saying.

The year is 2009, 2010 and 2011- I fall apart, I treat Joey like shit, and I become a bigger monster.

The year continues to be 2011 and I go to Fort Lauderdale for rehab for Devil’s Juice.  My life begins to loop between Daydream, Fantasy, Rainbow, Glitter, The Emancipation of MiMi, E=MC2 and Memoires while living in Wilton Manors, the gay capital of the United States, while working in a club as a server and bartender. The process takes 3 years.

In 2014 I go to rehab. After I get out, the process takes a day. In May Mariah releases “Me. I am Mariah…The Elusive Chanteuse.”

I am sitting at work and DM send me a message. He tells me about his sister and how he loves roller blading. We go on a date to Disney. DM’s idol is Mariah. He has the voice of an angel. I make a video singing Mariah for him. We fall in love, escape to Indiana, break up as soon as we get there, and I spend the next two years regretting my life and drown it in Devil’s Juice. The first person I meet after DM is LE. He was sweet but I felt embarrassed for being a mess, so we never really talked again.

The year is 2015. It is a hole.

The year is 2016 and I am in my room facing the window, staring at my phone. For over a year I had called DM ever day, just to hear his voicemail voice as I knew he would never pick up. He picked up. I felt insanely different as if I had received something I had always wanted. Fast forward I continued to drink, ended up in a psychiatric facility (not first time) and moved to Fort Lauderdale.

The month is June, Pulse happens, I text DM to see if he is okay, he says yes.

The month is August and Jose and I are dating. We are cycling fast, and I get a call from DM. We meet and go to Disney. We have sex, we know we are in love and then the cycle of begin and end continues.

In 2016 I receive a message that I do not read until 2019.

The year is 2017, things had happened. My life was changed forever however I was still looping. I leave Fort Lauderdale for work and until the fall. In the fall I fall, and I fall hard. I drink daily. DM and I take in spurts.

The year is 2018, I get a DUI. DM is who I call to let know. It is November, I am with DM. He, like always, is stuck not knowing what he wants, much like me.

The year is 2019, I see DM in January. We do what we do as always, talk music, mostly Mariah and Britney.

The month is last. DM and I are talking about some weird things both between our lives and connections. I tell him that he creates something with people, and they become obsessed with him. He tells me that two weeks before Pulse, a guy he knew from a bar came up to him, drunk and a mess, and said that he wanted to kiss DM before he died and kissed him on the lips. Two weeks later he received a text from the guy and two other guys, a couple, that were overly insistent that he came out to Pulse with them. They offered to buy everything, they begged him, he said no, all three of them died.

The day is Thursday. I see I have an unread message. It is from LE. LE, the one I met right after DM.

The day is Friday, I feel like something changed and I messaged my friend about it. I go to watch a movie, and I think about LE, and how I want to cuddle with him and watch a movie. Side note. I do not listen to Metallica. It was after I had tweeted about Orion, and then somehow I was sent something about Metallica, and the song was Orion and the album was Mater of Puppets. It caused me to theorize something, and it made me extremely uneasy. Very fucking uneasy. It has something to do with “The Wired”----see Lain.

DM is on the way to Indianapolis to see Mariah Carey.

The day is Saturday. LE and I start to text. I text DM and tell him to have fun.

The day is Monday day.

LE and I text. We’ve only met for sex and usually we had been talking about that, but then I said that I really liked him more than just for sex. I don’t know how or why I felt that. He tells me the same thing. I tell him I thought about us watching movies and cuddling. He responds and says “That’s weird because I thought about the same thing. But I’m a movie junkie (me too). Was thinking, ‘Wonder if he would enjoy laying around watching movies and chilling’ Then I thought, ‘slow down playboy, “THIS might night be “THAT”. I replied and said I felt the same way.

Later that night, I tell my mom DM has the voice of Mariah in male form, and that he is so beautiful in so many ways that one day if he gets the chance, he will become something. I am watching The Voice. I say, “I told him if he ever is on a show like this or gets famous, I’m going to be his manager because people love to fuck people over.”  She asks for a recording, so I text him. No reply. I figured he did not reply because he was on his way home from a Mariah concert in Indianapolis.

The day is yesterday. DM tells me Friday he had a panic attack and passed out on the plane before the concert on Saturday. On Saturday before the concert he was scouted by one of Mariah Carey’s people. The man told him he was beautiful and was flirting with him in front of William. He gave him his card, he wanted to send him a recording of him singing. During the concert, Mariah walked to the stage, winked at DM, and put out her hand for him to touch and brought him near on stage. After the concert DM was invited to dinner with Mariah Carey and her team. They did not invite William. He did not go. The guy then said that he would be in contact. He then asked DM to go to Hollywood for a movie premiere to meet all these celebrities. While on the phone I told him that he would reach out again and when I did he received a notification on Facebook of a tag request from the guy asking him again about Hollywood. I hung up. I called back, he told me after I did, he received a call from the guy asking him to sing.

I google Mariah Indianapolis. Results show that Metallica is kicking off the tour in Indianapolis and the tour is called “The WorldWired Tour”

Today is today. What is next?

[nyhne]

.

[deathtouch]

💛 femfeb day 4 | my femfeb masterpost 🧡 xposted → ao3 | dw | pf.io 💖 Brigitte/D.Va | 3k | Gen 🧡 AU, canon divergence, A/B/O, omega/omega, meet-cute, first meeting 💛 Hana meets a cute girl at the omega bar.

Hana leaned against the bar, blinking thoughtfully at the rows and rows of bottles. So much alcohol. She recognized some of the labels, but it wasn’t like they were going to have Soju in some random omega bar in the outskirts of Vancouver. She had been here for almost two weeks filming a movie, but this was her first time venturing outside of her hotel. She could have gone down to the hotel bar, it seemed nice, but she didn’t want to run the risk of any alphas getting any ideas. The omega bar was really nice. It was all decked out in pale purples and lilacs with silver accents on the tables and chairs. There was a currently unoccupied stage that hosted bands or DJs on other nights if the flyers outside were anything to go by. Right now, there were top forty tunes playing over the sound system and speakers, just loud enough without needing to shout over the noise. The lighting was cool and dim, and the whole place had sort of a chic, clean vibe. It was nicer than any other club she’d ever been to, that was for sure. To be fair, Hana didn’t often go out to bars or clubs. It just wasn’t feasible. She was easily recognized everywhere she went in Korea. Her face was on billboards touting energy drinks and the packaging of convenience store chips. Hundreds of thousands of people watched her stream video games, or live chats where she talked to her fans. If she wanted to go out in Seoul, Busan, or Incheon she would have to reserve the entire club or seclude herself to bottle service in the VIP section. Neither appealed to her or seemed worth the effort. Overseas? Next to no one knew who she was. Occasionally she got recognized on the street, but even then, it was usually someone who excitedly asked for a picture and then let her be. There were no mobs of people, no need for extra security, nothing like that. It was kinda weird. She wasn’t sure how she felt about it. On one hand, it afforded her the opportunity to go out and do things she normally never did, but on the other hand… she kind of just liked staying home and playing video games. It really didn’t help that the only people she knew around town were the cast and crew of the film she was working on. They were all really cool and nice, but she spent all day working with them. She felt bad asking any of them to spend even more time indulging her elsewhere. That meant she had to go out alone if she wanted to go out. Most omegas knew better than to wander the streets of an unknown city alone. Probably nothing would happen, especially in a country like Canada that was generous with their omega rights, but it was still touchy. It wasn’t until she found out about this place, a bar that exclusively catered to omegas who were attracted to other omegas, that she even entertained the idea of venturing out. Hana wasn’t sure if she was attracted to other omegas, really. She didn’t have much dating experience. She’d had to kiss a couple of alphas because the scripts of her other films called for it and she didn’t… really…. like it. Maybe because it was fake acting or whatever, but it just didn’t do anything for her. She got butterflies in her stomach when her omega friend Dae-hyun complimented her, or that time she ran into omega DJ Lucio at a premier once. Not around alphas. Alone in an unfamiliar city was as good a time and place as any to explore her feelings. “Hey, cutie.” The bartender who had been busy taking orders all up and down the bar finally sidled up to her. “What can I get you?” “Uhm,” Hana didn’t know what to drink. She mostly drank peach soju or flower wine at home. And really, she didn’t drink very often. “Something peach?” She tried, trying not to feel too self-conscious about her silly drink order. “Like… a peach bellini?” The bartender asked with a little uncertainty, perhaps overwhelmed by all the peach possibilities here. “Or I can make an old fashioned with peach in it.” “A tabernacle crush.” An omega with long brown hair strung up in a high ponytail came to stand in the empty space beside Hana. She offered a wink before turning her attention to the bartender. “You know, with basil and gin.” “Yeah,” Hana agreed, heart thrumming from that wink alone. “One of those.” “And a Molson for me,” the brunette added. She waited until the bartender set about getting the beer and making the drink to turn to Hana. “Brigitte.” She stuck out her hand. “Hana.” Hana shook her hand and took her in. She was tall, though most people were in comparison. She had some serious muscles on her, like she was totally built. There was even a tattoo peeking out from under the short sleeve of her shirt. She was really pretty too. For all her muscle, her face was soft and sweet with big brown eyes like a doe. Hana wished she had something cool or suave to say but… all she could think of was “Hi.” “Hi,” Brigitte laughed warmly. Not like she was laughing at Hana for the silly introduction, but more like she was happy. “I hope you don’t mind me butting in. This drink, it’s got that crazy name – tabernacle crush – but it’s so good. I found out about it a few weeks ago. I’ve been drinking them non-stop. This is the first night I’ve had a beer in ages.” Hana was immediately charmed by Brigitte’s apology for the intrusion. An alpha would never. So insufferable the way they think they know everything omegas want. This was so much softer and sweeter; Brigitte just wanted to share her favorite drink. “No, it’s cool,” Hana assured. “You can totally sit and drink with me, if you want?” Right on time the bartender returned with a tall glass. The drink itself was kind of yellow with bits of fruit and leaf in there. Brigitte’s drink was just a standard tan beer with foam at the top. Hana took a sip of hers and the alcohol was strong, but it tasted good. “Oh, I like this,” she said, all too pleased. “Want to bore each other with small talk?” Brigitte asked, but she had a big smile on her face like there was nothing she wanted more. “Yes, please!” Hana agreed. Small talk was kind of a luxury for her. So many fans already knew so much about her, she never got to answer ordinary questions anymore. Sometimes interviewers asked her boring questions, but it was stuff about her upcoming projects or her favorite video game like she hadn’t answered that a million times already. “Sooo,” Brigitte took a sip of her beer. “Are you from Vancouver?” “Nope,” Hana shook her head. “I live in Seoul, South Korea.” Brigitte nearly choked on her drink. She swallowed quickly. “Wait, what? Seriously? No way, I’m supposed to be the cool and mysterious foreigner.” “Huh?” “Yeah, I’m from Sweden. Though, I’ve been going to university in Germany for the past two years.” Hana was somehow relieved to find another non-native. It felt nice to know she wasn’t the only one alone in this city. Though, Brigitte definitely seemed comfortable here. “A world traveler, huh?” Hana said curiously. “Oh, no. It’s not like that.” Brigitte laughed. “Not really. More studying than traveling. I’m just doing a semester here before I go back to Germany.” The likelihood that this would be some kind of lasting relationship was effectively dashed. It was already unlikely considering that Hana was only here to film a movie, but it didn’t help that Brigitte’s residence in the city was temporary too. Still, that didn’t stop Hana from chatting her up. “What do you study?” Brigitte brightened, obviously enthralled by her career of choice. “Mechanical engineering.” “Oh, woah. This is good, I can totally impress you by telling you I built a motorcycle by myself a few years ago. Ah, well, technically my friend Dae-hyun helped. But it was mostly me. It was so awesome.” Brigitte was looking at her over the rim of her beer glass, eyes sparkling a little in the mood lighting of the club. “What?” Hana took up her own drink, suddenly too aware of herself and her hands and the fact that she wasn’t doing anything with them. She poked at the ice and basil leaves with her straw. “You wanna impress me, do you?” Brigitte asked, raising up her eyebrows. “Shut up,” Hana scoffed, but her blush totally gave her away. She looked off, behind the bar. Butterflies started fluttering around in her stomach, the way they always did around omegas. Ugh, this was so embarrassing. “Hey, I’m sorry for teasing,” Brigitte said sweetly, reaching out to gently lay a hand on Hana’s arm. “That actually is really cool about the motorcycle. Automotive engineering is awesome.” After a beat where Hana warmed up to her again and turned her attention back to the conversation Brigitte asked her “Is that what you’re in school for?” “Oh, no I’m not in school,” Hana said, feeling a little awkward. How do you tell someone you’re an international celebrity and movie star? That’s sort of a weird thing to just drop in a conversation. “No? What brings you to Vancouver then?” “I’m actually, uh, filming a movie.” Brigitte’s big brown eyes went wide. “What, really? I’ve heard that Vancouver is like a big film industry town. So, you’re an actress or something?” Hana hummed and sipped her drink. “Yeah, kind of.” “Oh, that’s cool.” Brigitte seemed like she meant it, and not like she was humoring Hana. “What kind of movie is it?” “It’s an action movie. There’s tons of car chases and stuff, but mostly I just sit in the passenger seat of a half-built car in a studio.” Hana’s first movie had been a ridiculous romantic comedy called ‘Hero of my Storm’. It was popular in Korea, but not so much anywhere else. She’d been in a few other things after that, guest starring on tv shows and cameos in other films. This was her second starring role, and her argent was trying to help grow her brand or make her branch out or something because it was a lot different than the stuff she’d been doing before. “I’m going to take everyone I know to see it when it comes out,” Brigitte said confidently. “And tell them all I went on a date with a movie star.” Hana laughed a little, and the tail end of that sentence caught her attention. “So, this is a date, huh?” “This?” Brigitte gestured between the two of them. “No, this is drinks at the bar. I was thinking we could go on a date this Friday, if you’re not too busy filming that is.” She winked again, and Hana was so flustered by it she could feel herself turn red. “Uhm…” Oh, she wanted to. She really wanted to. Screw it. Why not? “Okay, Friday.” She was pretty sure she wasn’t scheduled to film then. Brigitte took out her phone, opened it up to the contacts and passed it offer. “Here, put your info in.” Hana did, adding the cute bunny emoji and double hearts next to her name. She handed it back to Brigitte and had her do the same. Hana had no intentions of coming to the bar to get lucky, so to speak. She was mostly just looking for a place to hang out and spend some time. She had no idea she would meet someone so cool, and cute. She really liked Brigitte, even though they had only been talking for a short while. Unfortunately, she had noticed the time while putting her number in Brigitte’s phone. She should probably head back to her hotel. She had to be on set early in the morning and she wasn’t going to be that asshole who stayed out all night partying, showed up late, and totally screwed up production. She finished the last of her drink and fished some Canadian bills out from her wallet to leave on the bar top. “So, I kind of have to get back… but maybe you could come outside with me and wait for my ride to get here?” It was sort of a lame suggestion, hey wanna go stand around on the sidewalk, but she didn’t want to leave Brigitte’s company yet. Brigitte lit up, smiling brightly. “Sure.” Ah, well. She didn’t seem to think it was lame. She knocked back the rest of her beer and settled up her own tab. Together they walked outside. It was spring in Vancouver, but that didn’t mean it was warm. Especially now that the sun had gone down. Hana quickly requested a ride on her phone before shoving her hands in her pockets to keep them warm. It was quiet outside, with no pop music playing overhead or sounds of other patrons drinking and laughing. There was another bar across the street, one that didn’t cater to the specific niche of omegas. Hana looked across the way and saw a bunch of drunk alphas stumbling outside. She was suddenly very grateful Brigitte was with her. “So, is this the part well you tell me you’re actually a famous actress and I look like an idiot for not knowing who you are?” Brigitte teased her. Hana flushed a little. “Well… only in Korea,” she said honestly. Brigitte laughed, warm and sweet, seemingly thinking this was a joke. After a second, she quieted. “Wait, you’re kidding right?” Hana watched the alphas across the street just to have something to look at other than Brigitte. Ugh, this was so dumb. She was never usually so self-conscious. She didn’t actually care if anyone knew who she was. The millions of fans, the endorsement deals, the celebrity status overseas. She wasn’t going to brag about it or try to hide it, she just didn’t know how to tactfully broach the subject with someone she kind of had a crush on… “Oh, wow. You’re not kidding,” Brigitte said in disbelief. “I-" Hana didn’t know what to say. She was surprised when she felt Brigitte’s warm fingers on her chin. Her touch was soft and gentle in the way only omegas were. She turned Hana’s face towards her own, meeting little resistance. Hana had to tilt her head up to look her in the eye, but she did. God, she was so pretty. Hana’s heart beat a little faster in her chest. “Are any of your fans going to send me hate mail if I get caught kissing you?” Brigitte asked, something slightly mischievous about her tone. Hana’s eyes darted to Brigitte’s lips. Pink like flower petals, so kissable. They probably tasted sweet like Chapstick. In all honesty, she did have some intense fans who went overboard when they saw her spending time with alphas. Little did they know, it was her omega friends they should be more worried about. If she did get caught kissing someone it would be all over twitter and splashed across trashy tabloids in Korean newsstands. It was probably a bad idea to do it out in the open here where anyone could see… and yet she wanted a kiss so badly anyway. “Would that stop you?” Hana asked softly. “…No, I guess not.” Brigitte smirked before leaning down and pressing their lips together. Hana felt something soft and happy blossom in her chest. It was short kiss, soft and sweet, but it felt so right. It was a real shame when it got interrupted by the whooping and hollering of the alphas across the way. Hana pulled back and shyly went to hide her face in Brigitte’s chest. It was warm and cozy there. She could hear the muffled rumble of Brigitte’s laugh through her body. “Want me to say something?” She asked. “No don’t bother.” Hana shook her head. It was never a good idea to get alphas riled up like that. She liked that Brigitte was willing to step up and defend her, though. She especially liked that Brigitte asked first before hauling off and starting something. She liked Brigitte a lot. When her ride pulled up Hana had half a mind to wave them off so she could stay cuddled up to Brigitte a little while longer. Instead she pulled away, waved goodbye, and climbed in the back seat of the car. The driver was a beta, she had used an app specifically designed for omegas to safely request rides. Even though the beta didn’t have much of a scent, she missed the sweet smell of Brigitte. Hana was already counting down to Friday when she would see her again. She was suddenly very glad she was in Canada where no one knew her, where she could go out to the bar and meet someone new. She was glad she had taken a chance. It was worth it.

i’m taking femslash february suggestions year round send requests or prompts ➝ here follow me on twitter ➝ here thanks for reading ✩°｡⋆