#rulesonbeinglovely

[artofloveliness]

Rule #5 on Being Lovely: Don’t play hard to get.  Be hard to get.  Have standards—real, good ones—and stick to them.  Bend them for nobody.

Molly-Ten-Years-Ago loved this rule.  Molly-Today loves this rule.  Molly-Over-The-Past-Ten-Years wanted to live by this rule…but of course, that’s not how this story goes.

Mostly because she didn’t understand Rule #5.  As I’ve said before, Molly-Ten-Years-Ago was a strict lady, but she didn’t always know her target and what lies beyond.  Truthfully, I only recently began to understand what the rule means and how to institute it now.

Arguably, the hardest part about having legitimate standards, that Young Molly never could have warned her future selves about, is that you cannot help the acute disappointment you endure when someone walks away because of them.

Did I overestimate my own worth?

Am I not good enough for my own standards?

Did this person not believe my value was worth the rules I set in place?

The next hardest part is that you want to bend your rules to convince the person who walked away that you are in fact worthy of said rules.  I have done this so many times, in order to give someone the time and space to see what I knew to be true about my own worth.

But therein lies the danger!  This is the trick that has taken me years to catch on to!

When we allow someone into our lives who does not meet our standards, we have actually taught this person that they can have unfettered access to our peace.  Even though they may not want it.

And, regrettably, they absolutely will treat us as such.

Which brings us to Rule #5.  It has been incredibly tempting for me to write this as a what-to-look-for-in-others type of post.  And once again, that causes me to endure days of writer’s block…which probably means that it is not in fact what my heart feels called to discuss.

What my heart does feel called to discuss is somewhat counterintuitive, at first glance, which is what took me so long to figure out!  Rule #5 is so lovely because at its core is the truth that having standards actually allows you to accept others as they are.

How can that be, Molly?  It feels mean (dare I say, un-lovely?) to say that someone doesn’t meet my standards.  Isn’t that a cruel way to interact with others?

To which I will say: No, my friend.

First, I want to say the reason we might feel mean instituting our own standards, is because we know how hard it was for us to meet them ourselves!  That being said, ideally, the standards you create are standards to which you hold yourself (read: they are humanly possible).

Next, I’d like for us to look at it this way: when I bring someone into my life who, at present, does not clear the bar I have set for myself, what I am actually doing is deciding for them that they will change later, while enabling the behaviors they exhibit which do not meet my standards.

This is another way we do a disservice to ourselves and to the other person in the scenario.  Just like with Rule #4, we have chosen to make the decision for the other party.

What decision is that, Molly?

Well, I am so glad you asked.

The decision the new party must make is whether or not they are willing to accept the terms and conditions of a relationship (romantic or platonic) with you.  And when you ingratiate someone into your life who very clearly does not meet your standards, you have made the decision for them, that they must change what they might actually not be willing to change.

When it comes to allowing others into our lives, we get to assess what they bring to the table (and they should be doing the same of us!).

A great set of basic standards might look something like this:

Must have a job, contribute to their place of living, and be able to support themselves

Demonstrates integrity

No criminal record or drug use

Emotionally, physically, and financially responsible

Introspective

Knows how to mitigate conflict

Wants to improve themselves to be their best

Is conscious of and working through their issues

Notice that each of these points depicts a person who will not only build themselves up, but is on a trajectory that could grow upward with yours, instead of detracting from your momentum.

Notice also that each point on this list does NOT dictate to someone’s appearances, personal preferences, viewpoints, religious beliefs, passions, et cetera, et cetera.  If these are items that you feel inclined to add, you may do so, in a compassionate manner.

As we come to know ourselves, and who we want to be, and how we want to be, Rule #5 becomes crucial.  Our growth and development does not occur in a vacuum.  We do not exist in a world devoid of the human condition.

And remaining true to the changes we want to see in ourselves can become challenging in the face of those we choose to spend time with, especially when they do not wish to meet these basic requirements.

So we must be selective and careful about who we choose to engage.  Romantically.  And platonically.

Because the people we surround ourselves with ultimately become representatives for us.  Our friends and significants teach the world how to view us as individuals.

Even more importantly, our chosen circle shows others how they are permitted to treat us.  Or behave around us.

Our standards beget our treatment.

Molly-Over-The-Past-Ten-Years allowed people into her life that affected her more than she wanted to see.  Because Molly-Over-The-Past-Ten-Years didn’t like to disappoint others by walking away or guarding her self.

She spent a lot of time with a variety of people.  Some good; many not-so-good.

She grew close with the people who have built her up.  She spent too much time with others that tore her down.  And she entertained some who exhausted her spirit entirely.

And what’s important to note is that each of these people is entitled to their own path, their own decisions, and their own behaviors.  Without pressure from me to exist in a particular manner.

But so was I.

And the meaning of this rule is that I am also entitled to hold people as close to, or as far from, me as I deem fit.  And doing so is not a cruelty, rather an acceptance of what may or may not come.

Because not everyone deserves the same access to you, your heart, and-or your time.  And those who choose to walk away from you in the face of your standards, are showing you that they would indeed take you for granted, either as a friend or a partner.

We’ll talk about boundaries in my next post.  But there is a quote I love about boundaries, that applies here, as well:

"The only people who get upset about you setting boundaries are the ones who were benefiting from you having none."

Your standards should not feel like a standoff, where the person who caves first has to cater to the other’s whims.  They are your guards.  And they help you to discern when someone does or does not make the cut to certain levels of your life.

Your standards should be systems that you set in place to help you achieve your goals.  And anyone who stands in the way of your doing so (whether by the way they treat you, their lifestyle, their habits, or their intentions) should not enjoy the privilege of You.

From now on, I will only allow someone into my world that can match my enthusiasm and zeal for life.  Because this rule is about being so focused on meeting your standards and achieving your goals that you simply cannot undersell yourself.

This rule is about standing firm in your worth, and believing in the quality, not the quantity, of individuals who will choose to meet your expectations.

This rule is about knowing how hard it is to meet your standards, because you endured the challenge of them yourself!

This rule is about accepting that some individuals may want access to your life, but will not be granted such access until they make the choice to shape up.

So, let’s wrap this up:

What are systems you have set in place to help you live your best life?

How do these systems translate to the standards you hold yourself to?

When have you allowed someone into your life that may not have honored your standards?

How do you help the people in your life to honor their own standards?

[artofloveliness]

A song for Rule #3.

Daylight - Taylor Swift

[artofloveliness]

Rule #7 on Being Lovely: Stop cursing.  Be vigilant and intelligent about what comes out of your mouth.  Give respect and you get respect.

Young Molly used to curse.  A lot.

This may be surprising to those who know Molly-Today.  Or even Molly-Over-The-Past-Ten-Years.

So, I think about this rule and I remember my days in high school, where my career in using profanity began.  I remember how it made me feel heard and powerful in my adolescent years.

What an alluring feeling.

Perhaps I have an addictive personality, because once I started cursing, I did it all the time.  So much so that I couldn’t even tell when I had done it.  These expletives creatively seeped into all parts of speech: nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, conjunctions, etc…

And these speech patterns persisted, almost unknowingly, until a close friend gently called me out.  Did I realize how I sounded?

I remember, in this moment, how my train of thought completely stopped.  I’m sure I responded with something defensive, that brushed the issue aside.  But after our phone call was over, I realized that I couldn’t even remember saying these choice words.

But I knew that I had.

Did I realize how I sounded?

Had I realized that my brain automatically filled space with words I’d grown accustomed to using?  Did I realize that my mind had become a series of basic knee jerk reactions to what was going on around me?

I recall in that moment feeling acutely disappointed in how much I didn’t pay attention to what I said, and decided to give myself a challenge: to stop cursing entirely.

I replaced my expletives with words that started similarly, but had innocuous meanings: “Sh…sugarlumps!” (Special thanks to Mom for that one!)  “F…fiiiiine!”  “God…bless it.”

Sure, I still slipped up every so often.

But soon enough, I was cognizant of what was coming out of my mouth.  And it became fun to catch myself, providing random words in their place.  This challenge brought me to see the magic of Rule #2, as I became more present to each moment.

This challenge helped me to control my reactions across the board, and in a way, to remain calm in times of stress.  I no longer even felt the urge to respond in anger.  I no longer felt the need to think of people in terms of such strong negativity.

Where once I felt powerful uttering senseless words, I actually derived a sense of power by calmly responding to someone attempting to get a rise out of me.

Because, as is always the case: our example becomes their permission.

I learned that the language and tones we use when speaking to each other are incredibly important.  Because the way we speak to others is the example we give for how others may speak to us.

I’ve heard the argument that we shouldn’t allow words to hold power over or against us.  Typically, this is followed by the idea that we should just say whatever we want, whenever we want.  That “It’s not the power of the curse, it’s the power you give the curse.”  I will address this sentiment in a later rule, but for now I would like to discuss the internal angle here.

I would challenge anyone pushing this concept to understand why choosing not to say certain words is a powerful statement, in and of itself.  And how choosing not to say certain words forces us to level up, in terms of our own emotional intelligence.

Because Rule #7 is about examining why we use the words we use.

Are we using our words to emphasize a point?  If so, why not find more descriptive words to paint the full picture of our story, stance, or statement?  Why not create a tone geared toward educating and/or informing, rather than attacking and/or defending?

Are we using these words to express anger?  If so, how can we work on the impulse to get a better handle on our negative emotions, instead of entertaining the impulse to lash out?  What methods can we use to mitigate our stresses?

Are we using these words to describe someone else?  Are we using these words to hurt someone else?  Are we using these words to tear someone down?

Rule #7 is about examining the intentions behind all of the words in our inventory, not just the expletives.

But Molly, why learn new words to portray extreme hurt or anger, when a solid “F*ck You” could convey this emotion in a fraction of the time?

Well, I am so glad you asked!

My answer is this: when we take the time to understand the intricacies of our own emotions, not only can we share with others how they may be violating our boundaries, we also help others to develop their own emotional quotient.

Just look at how many words we could use to label exactly which emotions we are feeling!  Think about how comforting it is to have exactly how we are feeling validated with a correct label.

Why limit ourselves to the first tier, with only six descriptors?  Why even limit ourselves to the second tier words, when we could dive deeper into our own minds?

For example, maybe your urge is to label someone derogatorily, but what really happened was they made you feel “provoked,” “disrespected,” or “overwhelmed.”  Instead of honoring the urge to dismiss these specific feelings with a quick and biting remark, we should understand how and why their actions may have caused us to feel a certain way.  And we should calmly let them know this.

In this way, practicing Rule #7 guides us to honor Rules #5 & #6.

Maybe we understand that we might feel “content,” but we want to feel “confident?”  Or though we feel “angry” at times, we actually feel “jealous” and not “betrayed?”

In this way, practicing Rule #7 guides us to honor Rules #1 & #3.

Simply knowing how you really feel to your core is the ultimate calm.  And achieving this serenity does not mean you never feel negative or positive emotions.  It just means you don’t allow these emotions to unseat you.

Think of Rumplestiltskin: once we can accurately name what we are feeling, we can start to understand and control our responses to these feelings.

How many times have we mislabeled what we were feeling because we didn’t have the word for it?  How many times have we been offered advice for the wrong emotion, because we didn’t have the word to express exactly what we were going through?  How many times have we felt frustrated when others simplified our feelings to the exact wrong conclusion?

This rule is about the inward growth that comes from elevating our lexicon.

Think back to Rule #4, to the story about mental health struggles.  How isolating it was, to feel like I could only describe my mental pain as “sad,” or “bad,” or “angry,” or “fearful?”

None of those words fit right.  And none of those words do our own individual journeys any justice.

It astounds me just how many of the words in the third tier of this chart resonate with how I felt for so long.  Is it any wonder that my own journey towards serenity was put on hold?

Finally refusing the impulse to brush these feelings off with a simple profanity, actually allowed me the space to grow into these new words.

Once I forced myself to eliminate the first-tier impulses of my vocabulary, my thoughts and speech became more descriptive.  I found that I had been using profanity as a crutch in conversation in an effort to emphasize a description, rather than finding the actual word to describe it. This effort had certainly backfired.

When we remove the habit of the same old words we always use to convey ourselves, we help others to understand us.  We might also help others to understand themselves.

So, Rule #7 is about controlling your response when the world around you tests your peace of mind.

This rule is about understanding that not everything or everyone deserves a reaction out of you.

This rule is about training your mind to react with a purpose.

This rule is about learning how to properly identify what we are feeling, in an effort to rise above the patterns into which we have conditioned ourselves.

So, let’s wrap this up:

What are reasons you use profane or powerful language?

What methods do you employ to prevent yourself from using profanity at the wrong times, or in the wrong situations?

How often do you use these words, rather than finding the true descriptor to convey your thoughts or emotions?

How often do you identify your feelings as those emotions listed in the third tier?

[artofloveliness]

A song for Rules #5 & #6.

[artofloveliness]

Rule #4 on Being Lovely: If you want something, ask.  Give people chances to say “yes” before you say “no” for them.  Don’t play Holy Spirit.

Even though Molly-Today has loved this rule since Molly-Ten-Years-Ago came up with it, presently, it was hard to write about.  Writer’s block was imminent.

Because, on the surface, this rule is about the disservice we do to ourselves and others when we make what should be Their Decision for them.

We rob others of their agency when we make these unspoken choices for them.  And in this way, we unknowingly violate their boundaries.

We do this in relationships.  We do this in our workplaces.  We do this in our friendships.  And each time we turn away from asking others for something they can provide us, we ultimately hold ourselves back.

There were so many angles to approach the interpretation for Rule #4.  Could it be simply about asking for help?   Could it be about accepting our limitations?  Could it be about addressing our need for control?

I really felt it was, at once, all of these options.  And somehow none of them.  I couldn’t fathom an eloquent way to emulsify ALL of these topics into one succinct Molly-style post.  On top of that, my heart wasn’t in the answers to those questions.

So, in an effort to avoid discouragement, I asked myself one question: how does following Rule #4 help us to achieve our goal?  That goal: being lovely.

After all, that’s the point of this blog.  To discuss and address the variety of ways we hold ourselves back, from embracing our brightest lives.

Right, Molly?  Right, Molly.

And then my answer came to me: this rule is about confronting the doubts we hold about ourselves and our capabilities, by confronting the full scope of emotions we allow to rule our lives.  This rule is about leaning in to our fullest potential by trusting others with our vulnerabilities.

It is about accepting that we will not always have the ability to forge our paths alone.  That we don’t always have everything we need to get where we want to go.

And that those truths absolutely do not make us inadequate.  Nor do those truths make us imposters to our lives.

And that’s when I realized I want to talk about how engaging in this rule can positively affect our mental health.  Because Rule #4 pares down to sharing how you are feeling.

With others.

Perhaps this has to do with basic day-to-day negative feelings you might hold regarding yourself.  Perhaps it runs deeper, touching upon depression and/or anxiety.

But a large part of embracing loveliness is talking about the things that aren’t so lovely.

There have been so many times where I have felt such strong negative emotions that I could physically feel pain throughout my body.  My brain had so many thoughts racing around, I thought my mind would implode.  And all I wanted in those moments was to pick up the phone and talk to a friend.

Immediately followed by the intense fear of bothering that friend.  Or burdening them with this knowledge.  Or judgment.

Or possibly facing the fact that they might not care at all.

How many times have I said to myself: “This has been going on for a long time.  Should I ask So-and-So if we can talk about how I’ve been feeling?”

Only for my next thought to be: “I’m sure they’re going to say No, so I’m not even going to bother.”

Not only did I make the decision for someone else.  But I also removed the opportunity for So-and-So to possibly share a need of their own and-or connect with my experience.

Where does this knee jerk reaction to avoid asking for help come from?  

Maybe we just don’t know how to approach someone with a need.

Maybe we hope that whoever So-and-So is, will be incredibly intuitive and Just Know.

Or that a little birdie will whisper to them our need.

Maybe we hope that we’ll overcome our feelings alone, not relying on anyone for anything.  That way no one ever knows that we have bad days.

Or maybe we’re fearful of what happens next; after we successfully ask for someone’s help.  How can you help someone understand what’s invisible, and sometimes impossible to describe?

I knew the reason I found this rule so difficult to write about.  Because I ultimately knew it was going to get really personal for me.  And being vulnerable is not a muscle I have flexed historically.  So, I was spinning my wheels all week trying to avoid just that.

But that’s not the point of what I’m trying to do here.

Right, Molly?

Right, Molly.

So, after days of deliberation, I accepted that the right thing to do would be to share my own personal experience.  So, buckle up and grab some trail mix.

I’m going to share a long note Molly-Over-The-Past-Ten-Years wrote to herself, several years ago.

As info, I hit the back of my head very hard and very solidly, on two separate occasions within the span of 2 years.  This most likely resulted in compounded concussions that I chose to ignore.

Had I sought medical attention, I’m sure any good doctor would have informed me that a possible side effect of concussions is Depression(TM).

Instead, I was confused as to how and why I gradually developed deep sadness and anxiety, seemingly out of nowhere.

As someone who obviously enjoys writing her thoughts, it should come as no surprise to you that writing was how I coped with my experience.

This is the note that I developed over that period of time (Molly-Today inserted some memes to lighten the mood, and took out names for privacy):

Nothing feels right anymore.  I can’t even think of how to put what I feel into words, and that frustrates me the most.  The biggest thing I feel is that holding on any longer just scares me.  But what am I holding on to?  What is it I would be letting go to do?

It’s like I want to be asleep all the time, or just unconscious, in general.  The idea of going to work makes me sad.  But not having work to do makes me uncomfortable.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, but this doesn’t feel right.

What’s most frustrating is that I don’t know what will feel right, so I don’t even know where to begin looking.

I don’t think there’s anyone I can to talk to about this, because I don’t want to worry anyone.  And the idea of talking to anyone about it makes me so sad.

Like I’m weak and ridiculous and can’t handle my own problems.  And part of me is scared that because I can’t verbalize it, whoever I talk to is just going to think less of me for being upset over what they perceive is Nothing…even though it feels like a huge something.

I think telling anyone about this will drive them away and make them want to avoid me.

But I know people would be upset if I—if I what?  There it is again.  What would people be upset if I did?  Killed myself?  Took a bullet for a stranger?  Ran away?  I think I would like an ending, but I won’t do anything to get one.

And I know I look forward to the bright moments in life, but right now they seem so far away.  Like they might never happen again.  I feel like I’m missing them.  But even if I was free to join in, I don’t think they would happen for me.

For some reason, I had the very concrete thought that “I just need to hold on until [my younger sister]’s wedding.”  So, that she knows I love her and am proud of her, and so that I don’t spoil it for her.

But I wouldn’t want people to think I left because of some sisterly jealousy or envy or anything.  I would want her to know I held on for as long as I could, so I could be there with her.  Just like I did for [my youngest sister] and [my niece].

But then I circle right back to what it is I am planning…mostly because I’m not planning anything!  I’m not looking to end my life or hurt myself.  I’m just tired of feeling like this.  Where I am sad more than I am not sad.  Even when I think I’m happy, I can tell it’s not real.

So, what would I even say to someone?  They wouldn’t understand.

The hardest part about understanding depression, as someone outside of my head, is that it's not as simple as just some voice in your head saying mean or sad things.  It's so much more.  It's as complex and deeply accepted as your faith, or fundamental math and reading skills.

Depression itself is an understanding.  Certain things add up, they compute, they make illogical sense in my mind.  And they're dangerous.

And if they could be turned off as easily as ignoring some ever-present voice, trust me, that would be the choice every single time.

So, it takes massive efforts to sneak past these dark areas of your mind.  Like sneaking out of a hostage crisis.  Hoping those black holes don't catch you trying to better yourself.

Trying not to make goals, because if you did, your mind would trap you away from them.  Only trying to gradually get better, the way you gradually had gotten worse.

Going to the gym only for small amounts of time; just enough to get in a session of cardio before your mental health problems usher you away.

Or hoping for nothing from the significant other in your life; only allowing yourself to be surprised pleasantly when they come through on their own.

Or never making plans; only meeting with friends at the last minute, because obligating yourself too far in advance would alert your mental captor to the positivity.

The thought of positive change is terrifying, because you know it won't stay that way for long.  You know you can't count on it.  You know it will leave you, as it has every other time.

And when trying to learn a new skill in positivity (because that's exactly what these efforts are), this mental unhealth can creep back in so surreptitiously.

Undermining every single step taken forward.  Twisting each new little goodness back on itself.  To the point that you don't care to do them anymore.  They don't matter.  Your mind has already rendered the activities useless.

The only option is exhaustion: laying in the dark when not obligated to be somewhere else.  Never promised the solace of unconsciousness but always wishing for it.

The only option is anguish: where you can’t keep from crying yourself to sleep each and every night.  Or holding back tears throughout the day, because you can feel how unlovable you know you are.

The only option is loneliness: distancing yourself from your friends, so you don't end up in their plans, when you know deep down they don't really want you there.

The only option is denying any positivity you hear, because what you know in your mind is too strong to be contradicted with reality.

There's never a voice.  There's never a worded thought.  Speaking about it out loud doesn't make sense.  It's just an understanding of the factless truth.

Just warped memories to substantiate the feelings.  Just pain clenching your heart, gripping your throat, burning your eyes with tears.  It’s like there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Fighting the feelings only causes more tangible pain.  Sharp lightning reaching through your arms, all the way to your fingertips.

Depression is not easy to get over.  It's not even easy to get through.  It's a one-man show, day in and day out.

Who knew fighting your own mind every waking minute could be so bedraggling?

It's peeling yourself out of bed, to put on your disguise every morning.  The disguise of a bright, shining, smiling face, so no one sees.  So no one has to be bothered with your problems.  Because, honestly, who would care anyway?

Some days are lesser, some days are greater.  But it is always present, no matter who you are with, no matter where you go, no matter what you do.  It's so much more.

So, to those of us struggling, keep your heads up.  It may not get easier, but you will get stronger.  Sometimes only you know what you need to safely navigate the murky waters of your mental health.  Figure out the habits that help you manage.  That help you get by.

And get by.  If that’s all you can drum up: just get by.  Don’t worry about thriving and achieving, if the thought of that makes you want to run and hide.

And to those of you hoping to help someone with depression, know that actions speak louder than words.  Every time. Words can be disputed and warped, but actions make memories.  And those memories make weapons to help us fend for ourselves.  So, just show up.

Every time.

My mind was so sure that it would be impossible to communicate how I was feeling, that it wrote itself out in great detail!  Can you imagine the discussion I could have had with a true friend in my time of need, if I had simply shared this note with them?

Can you imagine the help my note could have provided to someone else who was suffering in silence in the same fashion?  Or if speaking with me gave my friend the perspective to help someone else they knew?

Perhaps we are not all suffering from the same illnesses.  Perhaps not everyone has travelled my same path.  But imagine the compassion this world could learn if we all chose to share our experiences with each other!

If mental health was not such a taboo.  If, instead of telling someone to swallow their emotions and get over them, we validated what they were feeling.  If we had spent more time developing the vocabulary, the laymen’s words, to discuss what is harming us.

Could turning to each other have become a more widespread and sought-after solution, by now?

I’m hopeful, because this discussion is happening more and more commonly throughout the current world stage.  Each new TV series, movie, song, or podcast, sheds more and more light on mental health.

I’m hopeful that those suffering in their own quietude can feel more confident about approaching their loved ones with their own experiences.

So, this rule is about caring for ourselves and others, by being vulnerable with those we trust.

This rule is about being the one to ask for help.

This rule is about being the one to answer someone’s call for help.

This rule is about embracing compassion.

So, let’s wrap this up:

What is something about yourself that you have hidden from those you trust?

How have you tried coping with it in the past?

What would you tell someone who might be going through a similar experience to yours?

Who is someone you trust to share your experience with?