#rsmallbone

[xntrek]

Visiting the US : 2018 edition

April 28 - 04 May; NOLA

04 May - 06 May; Albany, NY 

06 - 18 May: TBC – Reach out & persuade me!

18 - 22 May: SF & Central, CA

22 - 25 May: Cambridge & Boston, MA

25 May: Back to Australia

[nicky36]

rsmallbone replied to your photoset “My baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a badass babe.”

I feel like she’s going to beat me up and steal my lunch money.

She probably is.

thechristaland replied to your photoset “My baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a badass babe.”

1. That can’t possible be right. Time? What is it even? 2. Can she teach me how to do my eyeliner?

I had no idea she could do that.

timetogetparty replied to your photoset “My baby isn’t a baby anymore. She’s a badass babe.”

god that’s weird. how many years has it been?????

It was only yesterday, I think.

[adtothebone]

Source: https://twitter.com/rsmallbone/status/1243771968870023169

[thisdayinfavrd]

November 15, 2009

I lost interest in '2012' after that part of the movie where I died.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 107

You know when you make a geeky joke and your wife laughs and you say she's assimilating and she makes that sad quiet face? I like that.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 87

I could write the fucking Magna Carta, and 500 dickheads would piss about how it was too long and not set in Helvetica.   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 77

Just threw away my McGriddle wrapper at Whole Foods. The staff would've been less horrified if I'd discarded a dead hooker instead.   @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 70

I like my tea like I like my Star Trek women. Green.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 65

Kind of disarming when you finally find someone who refuses to let you sabotage your relationship, isn't it?   @biorhythmist (matt) – 61

My husband called me unconventionally beautiful.  I called him conventionally stupid.   @damselesque (Beth) – 59

Reality's weirdly uninterested in what you believe.   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 59

Sometimes you can't eat your cheese until Elmo and Grover each get a bib and a chair.  In project management, we call these "dependencies."   @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 58

It's that time of year where cold weather drives annoying pests into your house--like spiders, mice and the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.   @MODAT (Modat) – 53

A little to the left. Yeah, right there. Now ease in slowly. Slooowly. Don't stop. Yes, right there. RighOH GOD!  Parallel parking is hard.   @TiffanyJMoore (Tiffany ) – 49

There are too few children's books that discuss sex honestly. I think my book, "Mommy's a Screamer, Daddy Likes It in the Ass", will help.   @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 48

If you tell your wife about the sex dream you had, IT WAS HER. Got it? Also, leave out the part about the goat, the dwarf, and the pudding.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 47

I have a friend who calls me everyday to tell me how much weight she's lost  I just deleted her number  Oh look  I just lost 148 pounds too!   @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 46

Reasons why angels make bad wingmen: 1. their giant wing span means they knock over other ppls drinks. 2. their moral superiority is irksome   @jorshuwah (Josh S) – 46

My son's friend is spending the night. I hope that means his parents are gonna have sex. Otherwise these night vision goggles were a waste.   @FriedWords (Derek) – 45

I don't like to brag but 1 of the benefits to having a small penis is that I never worry about the toilet water being too cold or too deep.   @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 44

All I'm saying is that Republicans who deny global warming are missing a prime opportunity to blame black people for something *new*.   @aedison (Avery Edison) – 44

If you've ever voted against new funding for public schools, it's you I'm thinking of as I stand in the self-checkout line.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 43

Since I got married I haven't been able to masturbate because I only believe in choking free roaming chickens.   @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 41

[beegoould]

BLUE MOONLIGHT ON THE RED EARTH. Also, snacks.

MY SECRET

[kfedup]

Dashcofu is strong with these two.

[thisdayinfavrd]

August 2, 2009

The U.S. dollar is now so weak it couldn't open a jar of pickles even if it could buy one.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96

Sorry for staring at your boobs, I thought I was wearing sunglasses...   @biorhythmist (matt) – 96

Goodnight, you Queens of the Stone Age. You Kings of Leon.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76

I took a shower with my cat last night and Webster's still hasn't updated the definition of "lonely".   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 73

Last night I learned that unfollowing someone is SUPER easy in real life. You just walk away while they're still talking.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 70

The best thing about this church is the breakfast money they pass around on that plate.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 66

What happens in church, stays in church. Except for the life crushing anxiety and neuroses. You get to take those with you wherever you go.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 65

Ďőėŝ ṫĥįś ṱῶḙḕṭ ḿḁҟễ ɱɇ ŀơȫᶄ ᶀṑṝḕđ?   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 61

If you're around some cops, don't say "I smell bacon!"  Because the cops will eat all the bacon!  And then they'll beat you mercilessly.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

There is nothing that this lady's Everything is BIGGER in Texas t-shirt can tell me that I didn't already learn from her Adam's apple.   @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 52

Discovered during our yard sale that I'd rather burn stuff and piss on it than sell it to rude people.  So our yard smells like burned pee.   @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 51

I just got into Harvard. It wasn't hard at all. Just walked right in. Yeah, nobody here thinks that's funny, either.   @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 49

Iced coffee is way better than a blowjob. Unless the blowjob is from a female cause then fuck iced coffee and my priest's lame technique.   @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 45

Oh, autopsied female dog, you are a cold, heartless bitch.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 42

Back from my secret society meeting. We picked the 2010 Grammy winners and voted to revive the career of Jane Curtin.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 42

It's not really Monopoly until someone starts crying.   @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 42

All things considered, it is more like a dick of corn than an ear of corn.   @navanax (50% More Slime) – 41

The best thing about her being pregnant is that I'm no longer the fat one.  God I'm going to pay for telling that truth.   @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 39

I just accidentally sat on a toilet with the lid down! That was weird. Then kind of slippery.   @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 39

Whatever, Poison Control.  You're not the boss of me.   @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 38

[karinanotcinerina]

Sure, why not? Lock screen art by Brian Despain Desktop whatever you call it is an alleyway at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter (11/11). Gmail is why my email is so out of control. Real mail inbox is 11 unread.

[nicky36]

rsmallbone replied to your post:10/9/14

I was thrown off a horse once and I hardly died at all.

I was thrown off a horse once too, which might be the reason for my fear. Luckily for me I landed on my cousin. I guess it was less lucky for him.

[thisdayinfavrd]

July 5, 2009

On this date, a young Michael Bay watched his father light fireworks reeeeeeally slooooowly and realized: "This is the greatest thing EVER."   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 60

The president of Honduras is risking arrest - or worse - just to finish his term in office. Sarah Palin must find that vexing.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 59

Trying to celebrate America but this stupid Navajo family won't give up their picnic table. That's it. Hold my flag, I'm going over there.   @sloganeerist (jtdobbs dur) – 56

July 5th. When Americans put away their hotdogs and beer and flags and love of blowing shit up for another year.   Lol.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

Happy Light Things On Fire Day, idiots and assholes!   @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 52

Notice how no one ever says "I'm gonna soda a cap in your ass"?  Just saying.   @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 49

There's nothing so heartwarming as your child's laughter.  Except for when they finally fall asleep because, seriously, enough already.   @3hoss (Eric Hoss) – 47

Who's got one thumb and can't properly light fireworks?   I'm drunk.   @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 47

I'm lounging in bed to support whatever it was John and Yoko lounged in bed to support.   @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47

My wife would probably appreciate the 4th of July a lot more if I didn't insist that she wear a Benjamin Franklin mask during sex.   @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 46

I hate when one nipple gets as hard as a diamond, but the other remains as cold and disinterested as Gwyneth Paltrow in every movie ever.   @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 46

Good: I've been able to avoid dropping f-bombs in front of my kids. Bad: they gasp in shock when someone says "fudgesicles" or "fishsticks."   @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 45

Watching my son watch fireworks is ten times better than watching fireworks.   @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 43

This is the best night to have gas in public.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 38

You know that one guy in high school who was really sporty & smart & good looking & Swiss & he'd always win Wimbledon? I hated that guy.   @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 38

"Why are there egg shells in the sink?" "That's where they put them on cooking shows."   @poeks (Poeks) – 37

Has anyone seen my gloves? They look exactly like my hands, but slightly bigger.   @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 37

What a hangover! Where's the... OMG! WE BLEW UP THE BABY.   @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 36

Dear Jesus: thank you for our freedom and Doritos. Mostly Doritos. And our freedom to eat them.   @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 35

Today I found that many Colombians actually believe you when you say that July 4 is when George Washington stormed the Bastille.   @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 35

[peachcherub]

Hurr hurr..."helmet."

[corvidae30]

 - The very small and very polite Canadian invasion. -

Damn, we're a good looking bunch.

[potjie]

Well, the Americans are no better at the headlines.

I’d hate to see objects of unreasonable size. Like ROUSs, I’d guess.

[tj]

Canadians don't apologize about [their](http://rsmallbone.tumblr.com/post/80138062200/or-you-know-they-might-not-be-objects-theyve) [feelings](http://do-over.tumblr.com/post/80137504076/i-went-2-years-without-a-job-someone-is) toward badly written headlines.