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angie-words · 8 days

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Rivals Interview & Photoshoot

CW for mentions of sex, nudity

Highlights from the article (abridged! Full article by Caitlin Moran here):

Jilly Cooper’s raunchy Rivals: ‘You will see a lot of willies’

It’s taken 36 years, but finally Jilly Cooper’s legendary bonkbuster Rivals is on TV. Caitlin Moran — who was such a fan, she changed her name to one of the book’s characters — meets the author and stars on set and asks: how was it for you?

Guess where I am.

Oh my gosh — I am in RUTSHIRE.

If you own one of the multimillion copies sold of Jilly Cooper’s infamous Rutshire Chronicles books, you will a) be as excited as me, and b) know exactly where I am.

Yes, I am standing in front of a beautiful, honey-coloured mansion.

Yes, it is a beautiful summer’s day.

Yes, the herbaceous borders are magnificent.

Yes, there are adorable dogs milling around.

Yes, there are champagne bottles strewn hither and yon.

And yes, everyone is dressed in alternately fabulous, or ridiculous, Eighties outfits, with gigantic hair.

The ladies have electric-blue eyeshadow and golden, heaving bosoms.

The men, meanwhile, have tanned legs, huge Rolexes — and, in many instances, their gigantic hair manifests lower down: in moustaches like that of Tom Selleck.

And yes, of course, there is drama. David Tennant — wearing a lavish, gold, silken man-blouse and sucking on a cigar — is furious. He is savaging a roomful of party people, all looking stricken — and all, incongruously, wearing swimwear.

“How the f*** has this happened?” Tennant screams, as all the tits and legs fidget, gaudy piña coladas abandoned. “Get the f*** out there and sort this out! And why are you all wearing bikinis?”

Tennant storms from the room, apoplectic with rage — and then sees me.

“Oh, hello, darling,” he says, all sweetness and light.

“CUT!” the director calls.

Today, David Tennant isn’t, of course, David Tennant. He’s Tony Baddingham, the infamous, nominative-determinist baddie of Jilly Cooper’s Rivals.

“So, is this fun?” I ask him.

The last time I saw him on set, he was being the Doctor in Doctor Who, in a floor-length coat, trying to save the world from being exploded. Again. In the rain. In Wales. At 1am.

“Oh yes,” Tennant says. “I mean, look at my blouse. It’s like my aunt’s! Actually, I think it might be hers — it closes right to left. Don’t men’s buttons close left to right? Am I wearing,” he asks the room at large, “a woman’s blouse?”

“We need to go again, David,” the director says.

“Back in a tick,” Tennant says, running back on set, sucking on his cigar. Getting ready to be really evil, and Eighties, again.

-----

When it comes to the atmosphere on set, I later talk to David Tennant about this subject.

“Yes — there was a lot of due diligence about only having … joyful people on set. Crew and cast,” Tennant says, carefully.

(Dominic) Treadwell-Collins - executive producer - is more forthright.

“We had a very strict ‘no arseholes’ policy,” he says.

-----

Your mother was a Jilly Cooper fan? And, therefore, presumably … a Rupert Campbell-Black fan?

“My mum, you know … blushed when I told her [I’d got the role],” (Alex) Hassell admits. “A lot of women blushed when I told them.”

I’m interviewing Hassell, 44, and Tennant, 53, together. As a former Doctor, Tennant has, of course, a lot of experience in playing a role women find attractive.

“Once you’ve made [Rupert Campbell-Black] flesh, I think a lot of people are going to find it difficult to interact with you, Alex,” he says, helpfully.

It seems Hassell is aware of this.

“Yes,” he says. “One friend, when I told her, said, ‘Oh, that’s a bean-flicker role!’ I said, ‘Ah, I see.’ ”

“Huh. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone come up to me and say, ‘I’ve masturbated thinking about you,’ ” Tennant says, thoughtfully.

“David!” Hassell exclaims, hurt. “When we met, that’s the first thing I said.”

-----

“Tony’s from a lower class, while Rupert was born with an entire silver cutlery canteen in his mouth,” Tennant says. “So whatever Tony does, he never has that class advantage. Tony needs to taste the blood of his betters in his mouth to make him feel better. Rupert’s blood.”

“And while Rupert is, in many ways, a shit,” Hassell says, thoughtfully, “he’s not a bad man, like Tony. Tony is jealous of Rupert. He wants his house, his women, his life.”

Accordingly, this suit-based class war plays out as Campbell-Black tries to take over Baddingham’s TV station — and the backstabbing, shenanigans, shagging and skulduggery commence.

-----

The tennis court at Cooper’s house is the setting for one of her most iconic scenes — where Campbell-Black first meets his love interest, Taggie, while he’s playing naked tennis. He is adjudged to have lost a match point because something is over the line. Oh, why am I being so coy? This is Jilly Cooper. It’s his penis. His massive penis is judged to be over the line. A note to diehard fans: this scene is shot exactly as written. You will see a lot of willies.

“We’ve been equal opportunities in our nudity,” Treadwell-Collins says. “There’s a willy for every pair of tits.”

“That was my great disappointment over the TV show,” Cooper sighs. “The tennis court is a terrible mess — no one’s played on it for 20 years — and I thought [Disney] might be darlings and build me a new one.”

She looks around, hopefully.

“Do you think anyone here has some booze?” she asks. “It is the afternoon.”

Cooper has been an invaluable muse to everyone on set while filming. In one scene, she handed over an urgent note that read, “Rupert would never say ‘spouse’ — that’s very lower-middle [class]. He would say ‘wife’.”

She argued for particularly Cooperesque jokes and puns to stay in, and was firm that the whole “First of May” tradition remain.

“Oh, yes,” she says, looking delighted, and then quotes herself. “ ‘First of May, first of May — outdoor f***ing starts today. But if as usual it do rain, we f*** off indoors again.’ ”

This ribald rhyme kicks off a massive shagging montage, involving the entire cast. And all outdoors, of course.

-----

I can’t tell you what fun it is interviewing all the Rivals people. Because of the show, everyone talks about their memories of the Eighties (David Tennant: “No, my Eighties weren’t like a Jilly Cooper book — I was at school in Paisley with my glasses held together with sticky tape, and a very unappealing haircut”), and smoking (Hassell: “Everyone smoked everywhere, didn’t they? Even on planes. They’d draw across that little … health curtain, and everyone smoked behind it”), and how hard it was to leave Cooper’s world when shooting finished (Hassell: “No one was looking at me like I’m the most sexy man on the planet any more. It was tough.”)

-----

In the event, (Aidan) Turner, 41, is an absolute hoot — particularly on the subject of the massive moustache he sports on the show. It is a magnificent specimen of upper-lip pelt. It looks like a vole fell asleep under his nose.

It looks like the one Ned Flanders has on The Simpsons, I tell him.

Turner gives a huge, barking laugh.

“Ned Flanders? I mean, I was thinking more … Irish stag? Super-masculine?”

He starts giggling again.

Turner’s relaxed stance towards his sex god-dom comes with an interestingly meta twist. In Rivals, one of Baddingham’s TV shows is called Four Men Went to Mow — where sexy farmers, sexily stripped to the waist, carry out sexy agricultural duties.

Turner, of course, infamously stripped to the waist a few times in Poldark, for that scything scene or lying in bed or emerging from the sea. In a pleasingly postmodern moment, one scene sees Turner rail against Four Men Went to Mow — raging, almost camply, “TV can’t just be men taking their tops off!”

Rivals is on Disney+ from October 18

#i am looking respectfully #david tennant fandom #David Tennant #david tennant #rivals jilly cooper #jilly cooper #aidan turner #alex hassell #bonkbuster #good omens #crowley

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jnkangels · 8 months

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I NEED U TO MAKE A CEO SEVIKA SO I CAN CONTINUE LIVING WELL😩😩!!!!!!

—I love your writing<3

Hi babe, I'm glad you like it<3!!

If you're men or minor, do not interact with this content! I don't responsible for your media consumption.

English is not my first language, there maybe mistakes ( u can correct me, without being rude).

୨ৎ

Hectic breaths and loud moans echo throughout the office, your head collided against the armored glass while the opponent's fingers played with your folds. The Rolex on her wrist screamed: Expensive! In the face of anyone who looked at it, the cold of the metal was close to your humidity; It made you shudder.

"Since you would like everyone to see how I'm fucking you right now, wouldn't you, my little flower?" She slammed your face even harder against the glass, the entire city could be seen from above, so much so that if you didn't were high enough someone would probably see them. She inserted two of her digits inside you, you arched your back at this.

"Answer you little scum, would you like everyone to see us? Do you like the idea of them seeing that you are my damn property? Come on, answer." She began a lazy rhythm with her fingers, waiting for the desired response: "Fuck yes!" Only for her soft thrusts to turn into more needy and rough ones.

Her fingers slides in and out of you; Introducing them deeper and deeper into the lubricious well of your walls, your thighs tremble while she fucks you with them. Unintentional sobs and moans that leave your throat uncontrolled and honestly, you wouldn't be able to describe it the feeling itself was so euphoric. She inserted another of her digits causing a squelch with each assault against your now sensitive pussy. "Please, Vika..." you whisper, the orgasm becoming more and more present.

As you remove her fingers from inside you, leaving your body shaking again. She brings her fingers to her mouth and licks them with an almost artistic discipline, but it is discouraging for her to want to taste you one more time, however, the throbbing of her point defeats that longing. "Would you like to eat my pussy, sweetness? Would you like me to cum all over your pretty face?"

“Yes, please,” you obey, she steps away from you and sits in her chair, the jingle of the belt buckle was your cue. You cautiously lowered her pants while she carefully watched your every movement. Sevika leaned her head against her headboard; you ran your tongue gently along the part of her pussy, she gently grabbed your hair to bring your head closer to her entrance. She set an almost obscene rhythm with her hips seeking more friction.

Sevika's fingers tangled in your hair pulling it lightly, she bit her lip as your tongue ventured even deeper into the confines of her clit. You lifted one of her legs up to your shoulder and left the other down.

She must have been fascinated by your skillful movement, she kept her eyes on you and you didn't break eye contact. Occasionally, involuntary grunts and moans escaped her lips, her swollen clit dictating that she was even closer to orgasm than before. "I'm going to cum all over your pretty face, sweetness."

Your face collided with her pussy again, her juices spread all over your face and she gave you a satisfied smile. Sevika got up from her seat, pulled up her pants and helped you up, she sat you on the table and cleaned the mess — which she made herself — from your face.

"Go home and clean yourself up, I'll come pick you up at eight."

like and reblog! ♡

#arcane #arcane sevika #sevika arcane #sevika #lesbian #sevika smut #sevika x reader #sevika x y/n #sevika x you #smut #sevika league of legends #ceo au #wlw #—cass writings

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cherryberg · 8 months

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Tagged by the cool @ardate

Last song: Dentist! from the 1986 Little Shop of Horrors movie

Favorite color: Red :]

Last movie/show: If I recall correctly, Mao Mao: Heroes of Pure Heart! I've been listening to Channel Toon News on and off recently and half of every episode is dedicated to just going over and chatting about an animated movie or show. Mao Mao just happened to be one of them, and it was something I wanted to watch at some point, so....

Next on my watchlist: The Dungeon Meshi anime, but I'd like to read the manga first

Last game: Oh boy... I've been cycling through a couple of games everyday for a bit just to get the daily rewards, but the last I've played played would be A Little to the Left

Last book: Umm... I'm almost finished reading Calvin and Hobbes? I would like to read House of Leaves though, but for that I think I'd need my own copy

Sweet/savory/spicy: Savory

Relationship status: Taken by my beloved woowah 💖

Last thing I searched online: "defunctland tweet filmmaking"

Current obsession: Not big on anything at the moment, but I guess the biggest thing is Find Everything (findeverythinggame.com btw)

Greatest flaw: My massive ego, and this goddamn skin

Fic I’m currently reading: None

Tagging: @salcreus @pencil-merchant @pointsfortrying @pigswithwings @rolex-kaard @grapemoon and uhh i don't know who else

#tag game #textberg

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watchotime123 · 11 months

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https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vRwQtUZlaGhulVOIbNMkyNXaqBG4RpKdd7LPAYvJcNbB2uHEVzFDWO3r7M7Sb0LpREEjafDhhZp52vQ/pub

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silvervioletvalentine · 2 years

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❣️! Material girl!❣️

Pairing: Pierre gasly X Cherrie!

Word count: 7k

Summary : in which Cherrie is a material girl and Pierre is head over her Prada heels in love.

A/n - never written for Pierre before so this is like a lil trial run for myself . It’s just fluff honestly. Idek but enjoy anyways I guess xoxo

Cherrie could only watch silently in confusion as Charles's face suddenly dropped, his lips parting in disbelief as he looked at someone from over her shoulder , his drink still hanging half way to his mouth , about to take a sip when he had frozen in shock.

Blinking rapidly to make sure that he wasn't suddenly seeing things , he cleared his throat a little and shook his head in disbelief as he watched his friend wave both hands at him like a crazy person , a smug look on his face as he drew closer and closer to the unaware woman in front of him.

Charles groaned quietly, already anticipating the absolute shit show that was about to go down now at his sudden and unexpected arrival.

He pursed his lips together , looking away from the pain in his ass and instead looking back down at Cherrie , the other pain in his ass, who was sipping on a margarita casually , completely unaware of what, or more like who . Was coming her way.

"Cherrie. Please use every breathing exercise and every copying mechanism that your therapist has taught you. Please-" he rushed out to her underneath his breath , panicking at the thought of getting thrown out of another fancy hotel like they had been the last time something like this happened .

It didn’t help that one of his friends had anger issues and the other was an insane idiot who didn’t know how to leave said woman with a temper , alone.

Cherrie paused from sipping her drink , stood in a tiny red bikini with oversized sunglasses pushed into her sun bleached hair. She looked the exact image of relaxation and daddy's money, hell, she even had a sparkling Rolex on her wrist, customised with her own name on it too.

She frowned at him in mild annoyance , having been peacefully admiring the topless men that were play fighting in the hotel pool together . Just about to tell Charles that she was going to go join them when she was drunk enough to.

"What are you going on about? I'm completely calm? What-"

She couldn't even finish her sentence before she heard a familiar , annoying voice call over to them loudly from behind her.

Locking narrowed eyes with a grimacing Charles as her body grew stiff , all the relaxation that she had worked had to keep during their holiday , now disappearing just like that.

"Cherrie! Charles! What a coincidence seeing you two here!" Pierre cheered casually , a giant smirk on his face as he sauntered over to them in just some red swimming trunks that matched cherrie's bikini perfectly .

He came to stop right in front of her , ignoring the scathing look that his friend was giving him and instead gazing his eyes over cherries Tanned and sweaty body with obvious awe written across his face.

Cherrie inhaled sharply , fingers clenching tightly around her cocktail glass in fury.

"What the fuck are you doing here gasly?! Did you tell him-!" She snapped , already turning her glare over to Charles to give him a mouthful too.

Charles quickly raised both hands in front of him, rapidly shaking his head with wide eyes.

"No! No! I didn't tell him anything! I promise!" He exclaimed not wanting to face her wrath for something that he hadn't actually done this time.

He turned to look at his smug friend with disbelief , blinking at him exasperatedly .

"Mate.." he groaned out in misery , knowing that his once relaxing holiday was now going to be ruined.

"What are you doing here? How did you even know where we were?" He sighed .

Pierre just grinned, unbothered by both of their glares being aimed at him. Used to it by now.

This wasn’t the first time he had interrupted one of their outings. And it wouldn’t be the last.

Pierre had also managed to invite himself to cherries , fathers barbecue over the summer too.

She had almost murdered him with her pretty eyes then, now was no different.

He just shrugged , still looking at Cherrie smugly . "I'm on holiday of course! This was a complete accident bumping into you guys! But now that I'm here I might as well stay with-" he started saying , lying through his teeth.

But he wasn't about to admit to anyone that he had practically begged Carlos , who was the only other person who knew where the two best friends were, before he bribed him with money and then got on the first place to them as soon as he could.

He was trying to come across as cool and mysterious to Cherrie, not completely desperate.

But judging by the look Charles was giving him, his act wasn't fooling anybody.

Oh well. He would just have to work with the look of desperation instead. He was sure he could pull it off anyways .

Cherrie scoffed at him angrily , gritting her teeth just at the mere sight of him.

Sick of seeing his stupid, smug - inanely handsome and annoying - pretty face . Urgh. She couldn’t stand him!

Why did the most irritating ones have to be the best looking? It really wasn’t fair!

"You are not staying with us! You psycho! You can go enjoy your holiday by yourself like you apparently planned to do before magically finding us!" She snapped at him , quickly downing what was left of her drink .

She couldn’t handle him completely sober.

Pierre wasn't taken aback by her hateful tone , he just laughed. Used to her constantly snapping at him and trying to get him to leave her alone.

It was no secret to anybody that Pierre might have had minor crush on Charles's best friend. Okay so not so tiny …

Meaning that the first time he had ever laid his eyes on her at another monaco gala where she was dressed in a gold Satin dress and stood by her millionaires fathers side , giving him a look of haughty disgust when he had asked her to dance with him.

Well. Apparently Pierre had a thing for woman being mean to him. Because he hadn't been able to get her out of his mind since.

He was convinced that they were meant to be. He had heard stories about people falling in love at first sight, that just one look at the other person and they knew that they were the one.

Pierre knew that Cherrie could be that one for him... if she wasn't so fucking stubborn and actually gave him a chance to be with her.

Because while Pierre had fallen in love , Cherrie had fallen into apparent ‘hate’ with him.

She just couldn't stand the sight of him and wanted nothing to do with him, something that she wasn't afraid to tell him to his face.

Every date he asked her own, she laughed him into rejection . Every flower boutique he sent her , she sent back to him , only keeping the little cards where he had scribbled compliments and poems about how much she amazed him and how beautiful she was, she kept them.

And that gave him a little hope that there was something, even the most thinnest of strings keeping them together .

His friends wondered why he even bothered to persistently Pursue a woman that they referred to as 'ice queen' or 'diva'. A woman that had everything at her fingertips and didn't need a man to give her gifts , she could buy those herself. She didn't rely on anybody , definitely not a silly man.

She was all designer and heels . With sharp judging eyes and a even sharper tongue that could inflict more damage than a knife ever could.

She was mean. She was rude . She was obnoxious and spoilt and she never had to lift a single finger to her what she wanted.

Yet Pierre was head over her Prada heels for her. Every time he even so much as glanced towards her sharp features and feline eyes , he felt his heart skip a beat.

She was an absolute bitch but he wanted her , bitchiness and bad attitude and all.

Was he setting himself up for heartbreak by not giving up and being so determined to get her to love him too? Maybe .

Did he care? Absolutely not. Love made him crazy and he wasn't going to stop until she gave him a chance.

It was only a matter of time . He was convinced. He still had a few tricks left up his sleeves. Plan a, b , c, d, e … f and so on. He had options still left to try so he wasn’t too worried.

"I'd much rather be by your side Cherrie. You are looking heavenly today..." he murmured to her, checking her out without any shame.

Charles pursed his lips and shifted uncomfortably from beside him. Crossing his fingers behind his back and praying that they could go just one day without a scene being made between his two stubborn friends.

Cherrie just looked at him blankly "I look heavenly everyday . This day is no different than the last." She confidently shot back at him.

She looked more than good. She always did and she knew it. She had the money and the means to make sure that her skin stayed clear and dewy and that her body was tanned and toned. Hair perfectly glossy and highlighted to frame her sharp features , long lashes that came from years of expensive serums and self care.

She only had the best and got the best. She lived a life of luxury and wasn't going to lower her standards or her attitude for anybody. Definitely not a man.

She could admit to herself that Pierre was a handsome guy. He had the looks alright. But she didn't want anything serious and she had sworn off any type of sports players after her big scandal with a French footballer last summer .

And then there was a slightly smaller scandal with a boxer... then there was that stupid scandal with a nascar driver and then there was that other scandal with a older formula one driver that had almost ended her friendship with Charles when he found out.

So yes. She thought that she was right to be wary of ever looking at another famous driver again.

Her history showed her that she was incapable of having a simply relationship without their being heartbreak and drama involved.

In the true words of taylor swift. 'I don't love the drama, it loves me.'

Truer words had truly never spoken more to her .

She had thought that the brutal rejections and mean way she dealt with Pierre's little crush on her would have made him back off and leave her alone.

It usually worked with the others guys who asked her out. Their prides and ego just couldn't handle a woman like her. It was usually pretty easy to get rid of them .

But Pierre ... it just wasn't working . Not matter how bitchy and mean she was to him, he always came running right back to her .

He laughed when she said something mean. He smiled when she rolled her eyes at him .

It was as though he enjoyed being insulted . It was insane .

He just wouldn't give up .

He sent her flowers every week, he wrote her poems and he sent her songs on Instagram that he said 'reminded him of her' . He even sent her a about a hundred cook books when she announced that she was going vegan over the summer.

He was persistent and far too sweet for how she had been treating him. It almost made her feel bad

Almost.

Except times like this when he would just show up at wherever she was with no shame whatsoever , if he wasn't so cute and she didn't know that he was a little bit Infatuated with her, she would have been worried about having a serious stalker on her hands.

Pierre smugly smirked at her , enjoying the way she refused to look at him now. Instead waving over the pool waiter to get her another drink pronto.

"I'm in heaven Everytime I see you." He smoothly replied making Charles cringe .

"Mate.." he sighed feeling a little amused as he watched Cherrie just roll her eyes at him, unamused but his constant flirting.

She still didn't look at Pierre. Instead she kept her eyes on the fit bartender that was making their drinks, wiggling her fingers at him slyly when he looked up and gave her a little wink .

Pierre's smiled dropped as he glared over at the man jealously .

"Seriously? He's looks like a fucking Ken doll!" He exclaimed bitterly , not liking the way the love of his life was checking out another man that wasn't him.

Cherrie just smirked to herself. Finally tilting her head back over to him with a mean little raise of her eyebrow.

"Then I'm more than happy to be his barbie doll." She bit down on her lip, glancing over at the man again. More so just to piss Pierre off some more , enjoying the satisfaction she felt when he huffed at her moodily .

He then stepped in front of her and blocked her view of the wannabe Ken , crossing his arms over his chest and deliberately flexing his muscles for her to see.

Cherrie just laughed , looking him up and down before shaking her head at him mockingly.

"Have you gotten smaller Pierre? Charles is looking fitter than you recently.." she lied just to wind him up, taking a sip of her drink and smirking at him meanly .

Charles hid his own amused smile behind his drink, shaking his head at how much of a bitch his friend could be.

Pierre narrowed his eyes at her , scoffing as he motioned down to his abs cockily.

"Trust me sweetheart . Charles doesn't have any of this-"

Charles frowned at him, offended . "Hey!"

Pierre just ignored him and smirked down at Cherrie confidently .

"I could show you just how much better I am than all of them put together . Say about .. seven tonight? Some drinks in the hot tub?" He suggested suggestively , eyes dark as he took her beauty in.

Cherrie just looked back at him, unimpressed.

"How about I drown you in the hot tub at seven tonight and then go and get some drinks with my own personal Ken doll?" She said back to him, hiding her own giggles at the look on his face.

He sighed, side eyeing her . "Absolutely not. Okay.. how about a dinner then? You can give me your number and I'll text you the details of our date." He didn't give up , his confidence not even fading in the Slightest.

Charles just looked at him in slight amazement at his persistence even in the face of brutal rejection.

Had Cherrie finally found someone that was as cocky and arrogant as she was? Holy shit.

Cherrie pulled out her phone and turned away from him to take a picture of the view surrounding them, letting her large , Chanel sunglasses fall down over her eyes again.

"I don't have a phone." She told him with a straight face as she lifted her phone in Charles direction and started taking some photos of him instead .

Pierre looked at her phone in her hand and then looked back up at her in disbelief.

"How can you lie like that?" He blurted out , a little bit impressed by the poker face she had. But mostly just annoyed that she still wouldn't give him her number after months of asking for it. Well more like begging for it but…

Cherrie just smirked "I'm not lying. I'm just not telling you the truth either." She resorted.

Pierre gaped at her "that's lying!"

"Not it isn't !"

"Yes it is!"

Charles groaned loudly . Face palming as the two of them starting bickering loudly , making everybody in the pool look over At them curiously .

"Guys come on! Cherrie stop lying and Pierre-" he struggled to even know what to say to his friend who had just shown up on their holiday out of no where, without any warning whatsoever .

"Just behave!" He ended up huffing out , fed up with the both of them acting like little kids to each other.

They both fell silent for a moment. Side eyeing each other quietly.

Then Cherrie took a long sip from her drink and mumbled "still not going on a date with you."

Pierre just rolled his eyes at her , smiling despite himself as he watched her refuse to let him get the last word in.

"You'll give in someday. I'm an amazing boyfriend to have . I mean.. have you seen me? How could you not want this?" He ran his hand over himself pointedly , mostly just to tease her . Mostly being honest .

He was a catch. She was a catch. So why couldn't she see that this was clearly meant to be?

Cherrie slowly looked him over , admiring his toned arms and legs . His nearly shaven jaw and pretty eyes, his hair all floppy and soft.

He was exactly her type and he knew it.

And well, Cherrie just couldn't let his ego get any bigger than it was so she just shrugged and pulled a face like she was unimpressed by what she was seeing.

She wasn’t . She was trying not to drool but she wasn’t about to let him know that.

"I have seen you." She said before sighing loudly.

"I can see how annoying you are . Plus I like my guys like I like a library." She looked at him with a small smirk , chewing on her straw so she didn't burst into laughter at the cute confused look that came over his face.

He wasn't the brightest , so he just continued to look at her in absolute confusion . Having no idea what she was hinting at .

"With books? You want me to read more? What-?" He struggled to guess. He would read the biggest and most longest book in history if that was what she wanted.

Charles sighed in second hand embarrassment, covering his eyes so he didn't have to witness the scene in front of him.

Cherrie couldn't help but giggle then, making Pierre smile despite his confusion . His eyes gazing at her pouty lips that were upturned in amusement , mocking him.

He sighed quietly . Man she was so fucking beautiful. Even when she was clearly taking the piss out of him.

"Quite Pierre. I like them quite." She answered him, rolling her eyes at him a little too fondly for someone that apparently 'hated' him so much.

Charles gave her a knowing look. She just pretended that she didn't see him.

Pierre placed his hands on his hips, looking at her stubbornly .

"I can be quite." He lied.

Both Charles and Cherrie looked at him in disbelief .

He frowned at them, offended . "I can!"

Charles rose his brow at him in amusement "mate.. you're the biggest gossip I know. You'd talk at a funeral. You can't stand the silence!" He reminded him frankly .

Cherrie snorted a laugh. Pierre side eyeing her judgmentally .

"You can't talk sweetheart! You're the loudest and most obnoxious woman I know! We hear you before we even see you!" He exclaimed to her, huffing.

Cherrie stopped giggling, scowling at him instead.

"I'm not obnoxious you asshole! I'm just-" she struggled to find the right word to explain herself with . "-I'm just fun!" She settled with.

Both Pierre and Charles blinked at her in disbelief.

Charles scratching the side of his jaw with a small laugh . "You are a little obnoxious Cherrie-"

Pierre grinned at her smugly "you got your dad to buy the football team that your ex boyfriend was in and got him to transfer him to a team that he hated because you didn't want to see him anymore. That's a little obnoxious." He mused, laughing loudly at the memory .

Cherrie just pursed her lips , unable to deny that she did in fact do that.

"Well..." she muttered stubbornly "that was more strategic than obnoxious.. he wasn't that good anyways.."

Pierre laughed . Suddenly Reaching into the pockets of his swimming shorts and pulling out a small jewellery box that he had kept there.

Cherrie stopped pouting immediately at the sight of it, looking curiously down at the box , gave brightening up without even realising it.

Charles rolled his eyes at how superficial his friend was . In fact he was sure that if someone offered her a diamond ring in exchange for her siblings, she would hand them over without any hesitation.

She was a material girl. She just couldn't help it.

Pierre knew this and he used it to his advantage.

Smirking to himself as he handed her the little box casually .

"I got this for you..." he told her proudly while watching closely for her reaction to his gift.

She gave him a wary glance before taking the box off him , carefully lifting the lid and her eyes widening in shock as she looked at the necklace inside.

It was a dainty gold chain with a small cherry pendant on the end of it. Only The whole Cherry was encrusted in tiny red and green diamonds, it was sparkling in the sun.

Gasping a little as she lifted it out of the box , immediately Unclasping it and putting it on around her neck. Tilting her chest from side to side as she admired the way it shone and stood out between her breasts beautifully.

"It's so pretty!" She cooed down to it . Suddenly forgetting her annoyance towards him as she looked over at him with a giant smile on her face .

"Is it real gold too?" She wanted to know, refusing to wear anything but.

Pierre looked smug , admiring the necklace that he had handmade for her in satisfaction. Giving a disbelieving Charles a cocky grin.

It he couldn't get to her heart through flowers and flirting.

Then he could definitely win her over with gold And diamonds .

"Of course." He scoffed like it was obvious "they're real diamonds too. Do you like it?" He asked her hopefully. Taking a small step towards her while she was distracted by his gift.

Cherrie just Beamed uo at him. Her own excitement and happiness making her forget why she didn't like him in the first place .

She threw her arms around his waist and gave him the first hug he had ever received from her. Squeezing him tightly as she giggled out loud in pure happiness .

Pierre grinned widely , wrapping his arms around her shoulders and holding her close while he still had the chance. Gently caressing her back as he leaned his head down and gently kissed the top of her head. Sighing contently .

"I love it! It's so beautiful! Thank you so much Pierre. This is really sweet .." she cooed at him, pulling away enough so that she could kiss his cheek in thanks.

He just smiled smugly , running his hands through her hair while she continued to look down at her chest, admiring the necklace in amazement .

"Soo.." he drawled out confidently , pushing her hair over her shoulders and smiling down at her hopefully .

"Dinner tonight?" He tried again , feeling better about his chances now.

Cherrie didn't even hesitate . Smiling at him like she hadn't just been insulting him five minutes ago.

"Of course! We can go in the hot tub too!" She gave into him easily .

Pulling away from him so that she grab her drink again. Passing Charles her phone and telling him to take a picture of her with her new necklace on.

Pierre tried not to fist bump the air in utter glee. Instead he bit down on his lip and tried to contain his excited yell of relief .

Charles was looking at his spoilt friend in disbelief.

"What happened to 'I'll never say yes to him?'" He exclaimed to her in shock that all it took was some pretty jewellery to change her mind.

Cherrie just shrugged, unashamed but how materialistic she was.

"It's gold. And diamonds." She stated like it was obvious.

Leaning against pierres side and casually caressing his arm like it was totally normal for her to be so affectionate towards him now. Pierre happily eating her touch up as he did the same .

Acting Like she hadn't just been plotting his murder when he showed up on their holiday out of the blue .

"I'd blow him right here and right now If I wouldn't get arrested for it." She then added unashamedly, looking up at him through her lashes slyly.

Pierre went red. Letting out a startled laugh, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and leaning his head against her own, squeezing her to him in pure happiness.

"I wouldn't complain-" he smirked down at her, biting his lip.

Charles looked at them in pure disgust. "I would! I can't believe this! Can't you go back to hating him Cherrie?!" He exclaimed unhappily , grimacing deeply as he watched pierre slide his hand down over her ass and give it a casual squeeze.

Pierre kicked at him with wide eyes "don't give her any ideas! Let me have this mate!" He exclaimed at him, laughing loudly .

Their other friends weren't going to believe this.

He wished he had gotten her some jewellery sooner. Maybe they would have been married by now!

And from then on instead of getting her flowers or something simple , pierre got her grand and luxurious gifts whenever she was mad at him.

She was hanging out in their garden with both Charles and lando when pierre came rushing through the backdoor with a large smile on his face.

"Hello love of my life!" He exclaimed happily towards his pissed off girlfriend who refused to speak to him after missing their date night three days ago.

Pierre felt like he was losing his mind. Three days without hearing her babbling on and bugging him all day was too much for him to bare.

He wanted her to be back to annoying him and following him around and giving him kisses whenever he did or said something that she liked.

He had tried apologising and getting her flowers but she just turned away from them , unimpressed. So he knew he had to pull out the big guns for this one.

Lando and Charles looked up at him uneasily , Cherrie refusing to even look at him. Instead she was back in a tiny bikini, tanning in their back garden peacefully while reading some trashy magazine .

"I don't think you should look so happy mate.." lando chuckled as he glanced between the two of them in amusement .

Having had the absolute joy of Cherrie phoning him up to rant about Pierre pissing her off again. For someone who wasn't British, she sure liked to swear like she was.

"You might not have a girlfriend soon." He told him with a grin. Enjoying the drama like he always did.

Pierre just continued smiling cockily. "You're right."

His sudden casual agreement made Cherrie look up from the magazine in her lap with a furious glare.

Starting up at him angrily, in absolutely disbelief by how unbothered he seemed at the thought of her leaving him.

"Why do you look happy at the thought of losing me?! Do you know how quickly I could have a new boyfriend Pierre? Do you want me to show you how many of your friends want to fuck-" she started to yell at him dramatically , ever the hot head, giving him no chance to finish his sentence .

Pierre just laughed in amusement and shook his head at her. Admiring how hot she looked when she was angry at him.

Well aware that most of his friends wanted to fuck the love of his life. He couldn't blame them. She was hot as fuck , but at the end of the day he didn't care how they felt because he was the one that she went home with each night.

He was the only one that she loved. That was all he cared about.

"No, no. I'm not happy about that obviously." He reassured her quickly before she actually tried to drown him in their pool .

Then he casually nodded over to the gate that lead around the house to their large driveway.

"Come on. I've got you something to say sorry for being such a asshole and missing our date. I really don't mean to my love . I just forgot ." He explained to her honestly as he gently took ahold of her arm and pulled her up from the sun bed, dragging her along with him while she huffed and puffed at him unhappily.

Charles and lando quickly following after them, wanting to see what he had done now to get her to forgive him.

The last time he had got her a sorry gift , he had gotten her a giant ice sculpture of the two of them. Their friends had been stunned .

Because what the fuck?

But Cherrie had just squealed happily and kissed him over and over again. Forgetting what she was even mad about in the first place.

Their friends no longer knew what to expect from the couple and the group chat was just filled with pictures of all the random and slightly insane 'gifts' that he got Cherrie when he pissed her off or simply just because he wanted to see her smile.

Now was no different .

"So I'm that forgettable am I Pierre? Well you know what! I know some guys that wouldn't forget me-" she was snapping at him moodily , glaring him at him unhappily . Not liking the idea of being forgotten about so easily .

She had never felt more humiliated when sitting alone in a restaurant while waiting for her boyfriend to come for hours. Trying to ignore the pitying look that she got from the staff when they came out and gave her a slice of cake 'on the house' clearly feeling sorry for her being ditched in a fancy restaurant like that.

Cherrie had wanted to kill him. Still kind of did.

Pierre sighed guiltily and squeezed her hand three times, still feeling terrible.

"I'm sorry baby. It really was an accident and it won't happen again. I can promise you that." He meant it.

He had no doubt that if he ever forgot one of their dates again, he would no longer have legs to drive with.

You didn't test your luck twice.

He opened the gate and gently pulled her through until they were stood in their large gravelled driveway.

He smiled down at her , barely containing his own excitement as he casually nodded his head to his left.

"Look.." he simply muttered to her .

Cherrie frowned at him before reluctantly following his finger over to their driveway.

She froze in disbelief .

Mouth dropping onen in shock as a brand new , black Lamborghini with hot pink leather seats stared back at her .

"Holy shit!" She squealed loudly .

Quickly dropping his hand and running over to it. Jumping up and down in excitement as she ran her hand over the sleek car , admiring its beauty.

“Oh my god! Baby!”

Charles and lando were gaping at the car beside him, both of them looking at the car with a giant bow on it in disbelief .

"You bought me a Lamborghini?!" She screamed in utter glee.

Gasping loudly as she opened the door and ducked her head inside , tears falling from Her eyes when she saw the customised fluffy steering wheel and her name engraved on the drivers seat in cursive letters.

Pierre laughed happily and nodded his head, wandering over to her as he admired the look of pure joy on her face at the sight of her dream car .

"I did. To say sorry for being an asshole." He murmured to her , stroking her hair affectionately when she finally pulled herself out of the sports car , Crying in happiness as she threw herself into his arms with a squeal .

"You like it?" He already knew the answer but wanted to hear her say it anyways .

She scoffed in disbelief , kissing all over his face and leaving red listick prints on his blushing skin.

"I love it! It's so beautiful! And it's all mine?!" She couldn't believe it.

Pierre just nodded with a lovesick grin as he leaned down to give his excited girlfriend a kiss.

"All yours baby. Just like me." He whispered against her mouth, sighing against her lips when she deepened the kiss.

Sliding her hand underneath his shirt and lightly scratching at his back with her long nails making him shiver in pleasure .

Charles groaned loudly at them making out against her new car in disgust.

Meanwhile lando was already in backseat, rolling down the window and looking over to them impatiently.

"Can we take it for a spin then?! Let's see how fast it can go!” He shouted at them impatiently .

Pierre reluctantly pulled away from her lips with a smile , giving Cherrie a gentle push in the direction of the car.

She wasted no time in buckling herself in and revving the engine at them, lando and her screaming in excitement.

"Oh my god that sounded so sexy!" She shouted in awe as she did it again, giggling hysterically while lando climbed into the passenger seat beside her instead . Beeping the horn at them impatiently.

"Come on! Let's go!" He shouted again, taking out his camera and videoing Cherrie who was feeling her new fluffy pink wheel in awe.

Charles glanced over at his friend in silent disbelief ,

Pierre looking casual as he pulled out his phone and started taking a hundred photos of his girlfriend , still in her tiny bikini, posing with the Lamborghini like a model .

"I can't believe you bought her a Lamborghini to get her to forgive you." He stated in amazement .

Having apparently underestimated just how far and how much money he was willing to spend just to make Cherrie happy.

Pierre simply shrugged , grinning over at Cherrie in adoration.

"She's the love of my life and she deserves fancy things. Plus.. I knew there was no way she could stay mad at me with this!" He told him proudly , pleased with himself for once again spoiling his material girl.

Charles laughed , side eyeing him. "I'm mad at you for stealing my best friend from me. Where's my Lamborghini?" He joked at him.

Pierre just grinned at him , laughing "I'm sure Cherrie will give you lifts in it now. Look at how hot she looks in it.. wow.." he sighed dazedly still taking photos of her proudly .

He was definitely going to blow one of the ones with her stretched across the front of the lambo in her tiny bikini mid laugh, that picture was going straight above their bed.

All of their friends stood hidden behind the palms trees as they watched Pierre get down on one knee in the middle of the beach , candles and roses surrounding Cherrie as she looked down at him with a excited squeal.

"Oh my god baby! This better not be a joke otherwise I'll kill you!" She shouted gleefully as she looked down at Pierre who was giggling at her excitement loudly .

He shook his head with a affectionate grin on his face , looking up at her with tears in his eyes , having wanted to do this since the day he met her.

"Not a joke." He confirmed to her , sniffling. Already getting emotional .

“You're the love of my life Cherrie. And I want to annoy you for the rest of my life. Without you- my life is just empty and boring . You keep me on my toes and make my life so much more fun and interesting . It only took me three years to get you to go on a date with me-" he spoke unashamedly , holding her hand in his with nothing but love in his eyes.

Max snorted quietly , Charles and lando shushing him quickly.

"Three years of her rejecting him. And he's still whipped." He muttered in amusement .

"But I want all your years and all your mornings and nights. I want to hear you call me an asshole when I make you mad. I want to be the only one that you look to for safety and happiness. Because you're the only one that I ever think of. Hell, I even dream of you!" He giggled , Cherrie reaching down and gently wiping the tears from his cheeks.

"So, will you marry me?" He asked her with a shaking voice , blinking away tears and adding a desperate "please?" As well.

Cherrie burst into tears and dropped down to her knees in front of him, hugging him tightly as she rocked them from side to side in pure excitement .

"Yes! You absolute beauty! Oh my god! You wanna marry me?!" She was in disbelief as she kissed all over his face in happiness .

Pierre taking ahold of her cheeks and pulling away to grin at her, laughing loudly at how oblivious she was .

He was obsessed with her. He would marry her everyday if he could .

"Obviously! I knew I wanted to marry you the first time you called me a dickhead years ago!" He admitted to her honestly.

Then he pulled away and moved to the side to show her five jewellery boxes on the sand beside him.

His friends gaped and gasped as they watched him open each box , all of them containing different diamond rings . Different styles and colours, but all worth hundreds of thousands . Giving her options as she gasped loudly and started trying each one on.

"Oh my god. He bought all of the rings he looked at?" Charles gasped in disbelief. Having been beside his friend when they went ring shopping.

They all watched the newly engaged couple sit casually on the sand, Cherrie leaning her back against his chest and holding her hand out in front of her as Pierre slid on another ring for her to try, both of them comparing them to see which one she liked best.

"He has set the bar so ridiculously high.. he never even bought flowers for girls in the past before !" Max exclaimed in disbelief .

Charles just giggled , not at all surprised as they then watched Pierre walk behind a pop up barrier and then pull out a puppy with a bow around its neck.

Cherrie bursting into tears again as she clutched the puppy to her chest , all of the rings stacked up on her fingers, unable to pick just one.

Pierre just standing back and taking candid photos of her proudly , crying happy tears himself as she shouted about how much she loved him.

"That's because they weren't Cherrie." Charles simply stated the truth.

“And cherries bar is set so high and Pierre is the only one that matches it. They're both rich and both in love. And Pierre loves spoiling her. Even before she was his girlfriend."

Lando nodded in agreement , happy for his friends.

He didn't understand their love but they were happy and that was all that mattered to him.

"She's always been a material girl and she's turning pierre into a material boy too." Lando laughed , shaking his head in amusement .

"They're made for each other. And Cherrie loves to spoil him just as much. Do You know what Cherrie has bought him for his birthday next week?" He said to them with a grin.

They all shook their heads no, looking over at him curiously .

"A private plan with his name written across it." He told them casually

“so nothing surprises me anymore."

"They'd give each other the whole world if they could."

They all watched as Cherrie and Pierre held into each other tightly , beaming smiles on their faces as they giddily began gushing about having their wedding on an island .

"Do you think we can get Taylor swift to sing at our reception?!" They heard Cherrie ask.

All of them watching as Pierre shrugged his shoulders and told her that he'd try his best to make their guest list as A list as possible.

"This is going to be the most biggest and most expensive wedding of the century." Charles stated the obvious .

Wondering how the hell he had gone from listening to her complain about how much Pierre annoyed her and wouldn't leave her alone. To seeing the both of them getting engaged and planning their futures together .

Who knew that all this could happen because of a diamond necklace?

#Pierre gasly imagine #Pierre gasly fic #f1 imagine #f1 oneshot #f1 fic #formula one imagine

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turneradora · 7 days

Text

Here is the written transcription of the new article of The Times magazine.

Published today on September 14th.

Thanks to Emma Jones 🙏👍🌺

Thanks to IsaDemrio for her edit

INTERVIEW with CAITLIN MORAN

Jilly Cooper’s raunchy Rivals: ‘You will see a lot of willies’

Guess where I am.

Oh my gosh — I am in RUTSHIRE.

If you own one of the multimillion copies sold of Jilly Cooper’s infamous Rutshire Chronicles books, you will a) be as excited as me, and b) know exactly where I am.

Yes, I am standing in front of a beautiful, honey-coloured mansion.

Yes, it is a beautiful summer’s day.

Yes, the herbaceous borders are magnificent.

Yes, there are adorable dogs milling around.

Yes, there are champagne bottles strewn hither and yon.

And yes, everyone is dressed in alternately fabulous, or ridiculous, Eighties outfits, with gigantic hair.

The ladies have electric-blue eyeshadow and golden, heaving bosoms.

The men, meanwhile, have tanned legs, huge Rolexes — and, in many instances, their gigantic hair manifests lower down: in moustaches like that of Tom Selleck.

Tennant storms from the room, apoplectic with rage — and then sees me.

“Oh, hello, darling,” he says, all sweetness and light.

“CUT!” the director calls.

Today, David Tennant isn’t, of course, David Tennant. He’s Tony Baddingham, the infamous, nominative-determinist baddie of Jilly Cooper’s Rivals.

“So, is this fun?” I ask him.

The last time I saw him on set, he was being the Doctor in Doctor Who, in a floor-length coat, trying to save the world from being exploded. Again. In the rain. In Wales. At 1am.

“We need to go again, David,” the director says.

“Back in a tick,” Tennant says, running back on set, sucking on his cigar. Getting ready to be really evil, and Eighties, again.

Going back — to Rutshire.

Since Riders, the first volume of the Rutshire Chronicles, was published in 1985 — soaring straight to the top of the charts and eventually selling more than one million copies — Jilly Cooper has been the unassailable queen of the English bonkbuster.

While Shirley Conran’s Lace and Jackie Collins’ Hollywood Wives might have rivalled Cooper for sales, Cooper’s books are particularly well thumbed and beloved by their devotees because, underneath all the shagging and scandal, there’s something incredibly English and wholesome about them. Yes, there are villains, and orgies, and boardroom shenanigans — but just as much space is taken up by descriptions of scrumptious shepherd’s pies, heavenly rose gardens, darling horses and adorable dogs. And yes, the words used are “scrumptious”, “heavenly”, “darling” and “adorable” — the Cooper lexicon is heavy on delighted adjectives.

I meet countless people — actually, let’s be honest here: women; it’s women who are Cooper fans — who read these books as teenagers and had their lives changed by them. If you were in some boring suburb, or council house, reading about these relatably flawed English characters — all smoking; getting “tight” during long, boozy lunches; worrying about sweat patches on their cashmere dresses; gossiping; fighting their way through the class system; decorating beautiful houses; falling in love; and making endless puns and jokes — it all seemed a far more appealing, and possibly achievable, depiction of adulthood than the rather grim ones being peddled by Roth, Updike or Amis.

There are now at least two generations of women who, technically, emotionally, grew up not in Wolverhampton or Glasgow — but Rutshire.

This is why, in many ways, it seems strange it’s taken so long for the Rutshire Chronicles to make it to TV. Yes, there was a made-for-TV movie adaptation of Riders, back in 1993 — but Cooper fans don’t talk about that. At the time, “The acting appears to be from a Gold Blend advert,” was the kindest review.

No, it has taken until 2024 for someone to take on the task, drum up an incredible cast — David Tennant, Alex Hassell, Aidan Turner, Danny Dyer, Katherine Parkinson, Emily Atack — and persuade Disney, of all people, to cough up for all the mansions, helicopters, dogs, champagne and shoulder pads necessary to bring Dame Jilly Cooper’s beloved, fun, shagging Rutshire to life. A place as mythic to the British imagination as Narnia, the Hundred Acre Wood or the Brontës’ moors — but with, obviously, a lot more banging.

“Honestly, people thought I was mad,” says Dominic Treadwell-Collins, executive producer of the show. “I’ve been working on this for ten years. No, more — since the year 2000. I’d been a fan of Jilly since I was 20 — and when I got into TV, whenever I was in a meeting I’d say, ‘I want to do Jilly Cooper. I have to get these books on TV.’ And people would just slap their thighs and laugh.”

Treadwell-Collins’ previous projects include a five-year stint on EastEnders — “When we were getting 20 million viewers for the live shows” — and the multi-Bafta-winning A Very English Scandal, directed by Stephen Frears and starring Hugh Grant and Ben Whishaw.

But now, he still looks puzzled at the mocking reaction Jilly Cooper caused. “I could never understand it. I genuinely think Jilly Cooper is the Jane Austen of our times. These are the books people will study, in the future, when they want to understand what the Eighties were like. Jilly comes across as fluffy and lovely — but she’s got a steely eye when it comes to the sexism, the homophobia, the racism, class. You think it’s all lavish and flirty — and it is — but then, on every third page, she’ll come and kick you in the shins. But every time I pitched it, people would be like, ‘Jilly Cooper? She’s just … a bit naff?’ And it was always men who said it. But I bet if they’d asked their wives, they would say, ‘I LOVE HER! MAKE IT NOW!’ ”

It does seem there is a continual, notable blindness to female audiences. It reminds me of all the fuss around Bridgerton when it first aired. Light romantic fiction — your Mills & Boon, your original Bridgerton books — sells more than any other genre. It sells in tens of millions. But because women buy those books, it’s … ignored. Until, that is, US TV behemoth Shonda Rhimes unexpectedly adapted Bridgerton — and it instantly became Netflix’s biggest hit to that point.

Suddenly, “books read by women” were revealed to be potential TV goldmines.

“Yes,” Treadwell-Collins says. “We are unashamed in wanting to make female viewers happy with this. We want this to become everyone’s favourite show. For it not to be a dirty secret any more that you love Jilly Cooper. We want people running down the street wearing ‘I LOVE JILLY COOPER’ T-shirts. It’s … a rich treat.”

It certainly is a rich treat. I don’t think I’ve ever been on a set where it’s so obvious that the budget is huge.

“We were the last show commissioned in the streaming gold rush,” Treadwell-Collins had said, earlier. “Budgets are very different now.”

There is an emotional support dog on set — of course there is. An ice-cream van turns up at 2pm — burly crew members walk around the grounds eating tiny pink strawberry cones, looking delighted. And, for reasons I never fully discover, someone has a ferret on a lead.

As I wander around the gigantic mansion, I bump into various cast members, who all seem overjoyed to be there.

Claire Rushbrook, who plays Monica Baddingham — Tony Baddingham’s posh, tolerant wife — is in the orangery, having her make-up done, while eating a scone.

“I mean, we are doing acting,” she says. “I want to make that clear. But … it is also enormous fun.”

The comedian and actress Emily Atack — playing the irrepressibly titty Sarah Stratton — is lounging on a love seat, in an orange kimono, stroking the emotional support dog. She has spent most of this day wearing nothing but a bikini.

“I keep chatting to people, like, ‘Hey, Dan, how’s the kids?’ — and then realising my tits are out,” she says.

Nafessa Williams, who plays Cameron Cook, and is, as she says, “the only American on set”, describes everyone as “so welcoming” — but has struggled with small cultural differences.

“My cast mates would say, ‘I’m going to the loo,’ and I was like, “What does that even mean?’ I had to be told the loo is the restroom — so it was a whole new world for me.”

When it comes to the atmosphere on set, I later talk to David Tennant about this subject.

“Yes — there was a lot of due diligence about only having … joyful people on set. Crew and cast,” Tennant says, carefully.

Treadwell-Collins is more forthright.

“We had a very strict ‘no arseholes’ policy,” he says. “We did a lot of research. On EastEnders, some of [the cast] were really unpleasant; rotten apples who ruined it. For Rivals, we talked to producers and agents off the record, and if they said, ‘He’s a marvellous actor — but also a wanker,’ or, ‘He’ll be amazing, but he did beat up a girlfriend ten years ago,’ we just didn’t cast them. Lots of people [in television] will put up with it. We were like, ‘Life’s too short.’ Also, if you’ve got David Tennant on the call sheet, he’s such a genuinely lovely, kind, decent man — and that flows down through everyone else.”

However, while Tennant might be No 1 on the call sheet, Rivals is not his show. For there is one character who is the ultimate pivot of the Rutshire Chronicles: Rupert Campbell-Black.

Rupert Campbell-Black is a hot, posh bastard who, due to a three-book-long redemptive arc, is also one of womankind’s most fancied fictional creations.

Infamously, he was “inspired” by Queen Camilla’s ex-husband, Andrew Parker-Bowles.

Unlike Andrew, however, there are whole pages on Mumsnet dedicated to middle-aged women describing their hottest Rupert Campbell-Black sexual fantasies. I cannot overstate what a sex god he is held to be by Jilly Cooper fans. “RCB”, as he’s referred to, is … vaginally totemic to millions of women.

After a global search — auditions were held from America to Australia — Alex Hassell, previously seen as Metatron in His Dark Materials, was finally cast in this iconic role. When I talk to him, the main thing I want to discuss with him is how … feverishly his turn will be received.

Are you aware of Rupert’s … lubricious gravity within the Cooper fandom?

“I didn’t read the books as a teenager,” Hassell says, cheerfully. “They were on the top shelf in my mum and dad’s study, and I always wondered what they were.”

Your mother was a Jilly Cooper fan? And, therefore, presumably … a Rupert Campbell-Black fan?

“My mum, you know … blushed when I told her [I’d got the role],” Hassell admits. “A lot of women blushed when I told them.”

I’m interviewing Hassell, 44, and Tennant, 53, together. As a former Doctor, Tennant has, of course, a lot of experience in playing a role women find attractive.

“Once you’ve made [Rupert Campbell-Black] flesh, I think a lot of people are going to find it difficult to interact with you, Alex,” he says, helpfully.

It seems Hassell is aware of this.

“Yes,” he says. “One friend, when I told her, said, ‘Oh, that’s a bean-flicker role!’ I said, ‘Ah, I see.’ ”

“Huh. I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone come up to me and say, ‘I’ve masturbated thinking about you,’ ” Tennant says, thoughtfully.

“David!” Hassell exclaims, hurt. “When we met, that’s the first thing I said.”

The main plot of Rivals revolves around the, well, rivalry between Tony Baddingham and Rupert Campbell-Black. When young, Baddingham was bullied by Campbell-Black at boarding school. Now a powerful TV CEO — running the Rutshire local TV franchise — Baddingham still loathes Campbell-Black. Why?

“And while Rupert is, in many ways, a shit,” Hassell says, thoughtfully, “he’s not a bad man, like Tony. Tony is jealous of Rupert. He wants his house, his women, his life.”

Accordingly, this suit-based class war plays out as Campbell-Black tries to take over Baddingham’s TV station — and the backstabbing, shenanigans, shagging and skulduggery commence. Basically, imagine Dallas — but if, instead of oil, everyone was fighting to take over Anglia Television. Getting really angry over who has the rights to Sale of the Century.

I tell you what, though — why am I describing all this? The best person to talk about the plot of Rivals is the woman who came up with it: Jilly Cooper. And — here she is!

Cooper’s arrival on the set of Rivals is like a cross between a visit from royalty and the advent of an adorable, massive-haired, 87-year-old Bacchus. Everyone is awaiting her presence.

“Is there any booze?” comes her voice, from the hallway, as she approaches.

She is still being told, with polite sadness, that there is no booze as she comes into the room. It’s 1.30pm.

“They don’t have any booze here,” she relays to me, regretfully, as she sits down. “I asked before, but — no luck. I smuggled some in last time, and spilled it all over me — I’m terribly clumsy.”

Cooper is the living embodiment of the Rutshire world she created. In terms of being “on brand”, Jilly Cooper turning up in a mansion, looking for lunchtime champagne, is CS Lewis turning up with a talking beaver, gossiping about an “exciting wardrobe” he’s just found.

Everyone here has been to a “Jilly Party” — regular and seemingly full-on occurrences, held at the house she’s lived in since the Seventies.

“You just leave absolutely pissed,” says one, who doesn’t want to be named. “They have to ladle you into a taxi.”

“Oh, the last one was just a little party,” Cooper says.

What’s a little party?

“Seventy, seventy-five people?” Cooper says. “And then friends from the village, obviously. Andrew Parker-Bowles. Richard Madeley and his wife. Nicky Haslam. Lisa Maxwell. Stanley Tucci — who was heavenly.”

Please tell me the party was exactly like the ones in the books.

“Well, yes. We had kir royale, Pimm’s, wines. Gins.”

Note: gins multiple.

“Vol-au-vents, melon and Parma ham, smoked salmon on blinis. Brandy snaps with Chantilly cream. Everyone got awfully tight. I led them around the infamous tennis court.”

“We’ve been equal opportunities in our nudity,” Treadwell-Collins says. “There’s a willy for every pair of tits.”

She looks around, hopefully.

“Do you think anyone here has some booze?” she asks. “It is the afternoon.”

She argued for particularly Cooperesque jokes and puns to stay in, and was firm that the whole “First of May” tradition remain.

“Oh, yes,” she says, looking delighted, and then quotes herself. “ ‘First of May, first of May — outdoor f***ing starts today. But if as usual it do rain, we f*** off indoors again.’ ”

This ribald rhyme kicks off a massive shagging montage, involving the entire cast. And all outdoors, of course.

But, as any English person knows, outdoor sex is a perilous sport. Perhaps the emotional centrepiece of Rivals is the agonisingly drawn-out attraction between Freddie (Danny Dyer) and Lizzie (Katherine Parkinson), both married to awful people, but who ache for each other in a way that is guaranteed to bring tears to the viewers’ eyes. A scene where they bunk into the first-class carriage of a train to smoke fags and share fruitcake, while timidly flirting with each other, is the Brief Encounter of our time.

And, without wanting to chuck in too many spoilers, when they finally requite their love for each other, it’s one of the all-time great sex scenes. Danny Dyer, it turns out, is exquisite, adorable leading-man material, while Katherine Parkinson “is the new Olivia Colman”, Treadwell-Collins says, firmly. “She will be garlanded with Baftas and Oscars. Honestly. And she wanted to do the sex scene,” he adds. “She was like, ‘I really want to show my boobs. I’m in my mid-forties and they look good.’ In that scene, you can see she’s crying — really crying, with happiness — and it makes you cry too. She looks like a f***ing queen.”

On set, however, the sex scene was not without its problems. Because it was “outdoor f***ing”, in a flower meadow.

“But it was at the height of tick season,” Treadwell-Collins recalls, with a shudder. “Not safe to be in the grass. We didn’t want to get a tick on Danny Dyer’s willy! In the end, we had to get in a load of moss for them to lie on. It’s the first time, to my knowledge, that safe sex has involved moss.”

My final interview is with Aidan Turner, who is playing Rivals’ chat show host, Declan O’Hara.

I mean to cast no aspersions on extremely handsome men who spent a decade being a country’s totemic sex god — as Turner was, during his Poldark years — but sex gods are usually quite emotionally damaged, with a form of what might be termed “PTSD” — Post-Totty Stress Disorder. They often make for effortful company. They want to be taken seriously.

In the event, Turner, 41, is an absolute hoot — particularly on the subject of the massive moustache he sports on the show. It is a magnificent specimen of upper-lip pelt. It looks like a vole fell asleep under his nose.

It looks like the one Ned Flanders has on The Simpsons, I tell him.

Turner gives a huge, barking laugh.

“Ned Flanders? I mean, I was thinking more … Irish stag? Super-masculine?”

He starts giggling again.

“Yes, that’s a lovely moment,” Turner says. “When I read the script, I was like, ‘Why have you put this in? It’s too close [to Poldark].’ But then they told me it’s in the original books — and it’s so funny. The first time I did that scene, people were keeling over laughing. It’s good to poke fun at these things.”

As one of the most Eighties stories ever, Rivals takes on some massive subjects: class, Aids, Section 28, sexism, rape, homophobia, Thatcherism, racism. As the Jane Austen of her time, Cooper has a lot of grist for her mill. The dramatic tension never drops.

But this is done hand in hand with the most delicious sense of silliness and fun. There is a single tracking shot of a buffet — the Most Eighties Buffet Ever — and the sheer amount of prawns is deeply hilarious. Prawns are very Eighties — and Rivals knows it.

Rivals knows that when it’s in Rupert Campbell-Black’s house, we will see his cold, posh childhood is perfectly encapsulated by the fact that his walls are covered in formidable oil paintings of his ancestors — but all his photo frames are full of pictures of his dogs.

And Rivals knows exactly when to play Huey Lewis and the News.

“We call it the Cooperverse,” Treadwell-Collins tells me. “It really is the equal of the DC or Marvel worlds. It’s that epic. And those who know about it are equally obsessed.”

I can attest to that. When I first read Rivals, at the age of 13, I decided I wanted to be a character in one of Cooper’s books. Specifically, Declan O’Hara’s youngest daughter: a feisty teenage girl who had dyed red hair, lived in a beautiful, sprawling house called the Priory, and was constantly rebelling against her school.

As a down payment, I first dyed my hair red. And then I decided I would change my name, in her honour. If I couldn’t actually be Declan’s youngest daughter, Caitlin O’Hara, I would stop being Catherine Moran and become Caitlin Moran. As some small promise that, one day, my life would be as fun as that of a Jilly Cooper heroine.

Because, sometimes, you don’t need a story about mythic quests, or wars, or dragons, or murder. You just need a story that promises you: being a grown-up could be exciting.

And that when sex, love, drama, awful men, fabulous bitches, workplace intrigues, swathes of blue eyeshadow and buffets of prawns finally come into your life, you can … poke fun at these things.

You can live in the Cooperverse too.

Rivals is on Disney+ from October 18

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