#rogue has all the best gay besties honestly

[enrogued]

@nerdynanny's morph said “Soooo.” Morph leans in, not too close as they respect her personal space. “I need a big strong woman to keep me company at the gay bar tonight. They’re pretty mutant friendly— aaand I’ll buy us drinks. Or flirt for em.”

she snorts softly at the wording of the request, eyebrow raising as they lean in conspiratorially. " you want a bodyguard to go to a bar? " bars and her? not hugely simpatico, not that she doesn't like them and this sounds like it has all the makings of a very fun night out. she's not surprised to learn that certain gay bars in the city are, in fact, mutant friendly. that sounds like common sense, but she's been wrong before. " you sold me at free drinks, sugah, i'm in. "

[abbeyfangirl]

dragon age: all characters (companions)

I’ve been in this fandom for a hot minute now and I want to update my opinions on characters :)

Origins

Alistair: super sweet dude who literally is not the stereotypicalchantryguyfightme. He’s a great example of healthy masculinity and I totally wish he was bi because I have an entire essay on that— also: he’s a poc! His mum was brown. In game he’s got dark features. if you really want a blond/blue-eyes/white guy, make your warden that. or accept that brown people can be noble and moral. or just draw cailan, idk. just because BioWare whitewashes doesn’t mean you should.

Leliana: someone hug my singing girlfriend before I crush her under with my own hugs. Also: nugs. Yes! Shoes. Yes! She likes how I style my hair? YES!! I honestly think she’s super duper and it pisses me off whenever someone’s like: yeah she enjoys killing people and the Game. ok. and michel de chevin willingly participated in genocidal marches through the alienage he grew up in with his elvhen mum. 

Morrigan: dirty swamp witch that i stan and also have a v big crush on. tiddies. Have a son with a GW so we can raise him with our tiddies out in the forest. she’s also white-passing, as her father was chasind and all people we’ve seen that are chasind are black. therefore, she is biracial. therefore, poc can be goths and don’t shy away from giving morrigan a darker skintone. if the devs had of been thinking, she’d have a darker skintone.

Zevran: Actually is the best romance, I think. Loves consent, therefore I will stan him so hard my skull cracks a little. Also: he is a very brown boy and if he’s white in da4 I’m seriously going to throw all canon out the fucking window. genuinely a good person who needs to be told so. 

Wynne: grandma who only likes my friends who go to church. but also super sweet and I’d rest my head on her bosom (in a platonic way omg ZEVRAN)

Sten: angry quiet boi. the bestest boi. I totally would give him a kitten for a gift and bake him cookies. Thicc softie. I think if I had DA:O and i knew how to use mods i would mod the fuck outta him. sorry.

Sha(y)le: who’s gender? idk her. See also: fuck birds and authority. pound ur ass into the ground you feathery meatbag little shits. fuck songbirds.

Dog: such a good boi. thicc. thinks Alistair is a whiny fuck and is Morrigan’s only friend. love him. he’s the cutest companion. bet.

Ohgren: honestly forgot about him bcc he’s such a shitbag. also: he could’ve been a really cool addiction recovery type but NOPE. probably would have a trump shirt in a modern au and would catcall wlw and hit mlm. no thanks.

Awakening

Anders: he acts like rlly straight but he’s so gay I can smell it. also he’s rlly cute and fun and I love him so much.

Justice: MAYBE i’M selF CONSCious OF THE twitchING. is the friend that genuinely doesn’t get dick jokes but is ur 110% ride or die.

Nathaniel Howe: honestly is sort of a white knight/neck beard a little, but it’s kind of charming with his whole velanna m’lady?? grump boi. annoying soul patch that I’d mod out SO FAST—

Sigrun: would have ROMANCED the FUCK out of her. why she even entertains the idea of fucking with ohgren makes me realize most of the writers are dumbfucks.png. peppy little emo. 12/10 would die if she kissed my cheek teasingly.

Ohgren: why. why. why. I’d have brought Shayle over. Maybe Zev? Definitely Dog.

Velanna: she was written to be an annoying feminist and you can tell but I deadass am a kindred spirit with her bcc I too am deadpan annoyed with Thedas’ general population too. love her. Would’ve loved to romance her. She’d totally be one of those who’d get all tsundere and be like “n-no i hate you” *kisses the fuckin soul out of you then blushes so hard she’s now a tomato*

Dragon Age II

Anders: fuck the cops. i don’t care. fuck the cops. (vine reference). also: do i hate him for blowing up the chantry that would eventually annul a huge collection of his people? no. read dalishious’s meta on Anders. v intriguing. didn’t they retcon the fuck out of the reported deaths too? like there was like eight Templars and Elthinia in there. Templars killed more “abominations” in a day than Anders in the game canon—

Aveline: initially thought she was fine and then realized she’s shit to my lil brother and I will fucking clap her ginger ass. See also: whorephobia isn’t a joke so fuck off with treating Isabela badly, you tit.

Bethany: sunshine. Literal sunshine. I feel my freckles grow in her presence and i love it. she’s my little baby sister and I’d slam that ogre so fuckin hard before it touched either twin.

Carver: there has to be a mod where both twins survive. I love them both to bits. My babies. carver is my bitter, angry little brother and I can relate because I too am very angry and would totally clap my own ass. hes so genuine and I don’t get the competition between Beth and Carver. Like, both are fuckin stellar in different ways. In this essay I will—

Fenris: honestly, I don’t get the general hate between him and Anders. Fenris’ main arc should’ve been a recovery arc, not drunken moping and revenge. he deserves better. give him a soft sweater instead of his spikes and let him love himself as much as I love him for MAKERS SAKE. like when you really think about their relationship, it could’ve been an eye-opener for fenris and finally some legit sympathy for anders. but we all know that if they had of teamed up that Meredith would’ve been dead before the end of Act 1 so.

Isabela: whorephobia is not a joke. oversexualizing your only appearing brown woman is so poorly written. how about we appreciate her and her lovely bosoms but also let people tease her about her heart of gold? her innate understanding of freedom? instead of just a wave of dick? please?? can we give her some pants for when she fights? can we accept that i fall for rogues who hate themselves?? fuck. also whomever draws her x femHawke x Merrill literally is after my own heart.

Merrill: my fucking babygirl MARRY ME. Fenris could’ve been her older brother type, but NO. she and Isabela should’ve been canonical gfs instead of Isabela/Fenris (no shaming the pairing tho!!). I love how she’s written as neurodivergent. V nice. Sometimes I just look her up and cry because she’s fucking everything. Also: she’s in the Dalish origin and she’s far from being white. Why did they make the most innocent/naïve character really white? hmmmm.

Sebastian: whew that boy. Would totally be that annoying Mormon at your door but you still let him in bcc he’s super sweet. Also: huge ass bible thumper and should get his head slap because you said the maker loved all his children why do you defend a complicit old hag you annoying attractive fuck—

Varric: totally is a bard and the devs couldn’t handle the idea of him being one bcc it might make him look less straight. is the only grey morality person I don’t want to fucking bash in with a fry pan. he sees people and I like that, but you totally know he’s siding with mages every time bcc him and Anders are like besties. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules. “Professional Younger Brother”.

Tallis: I know nothing about her but she seems okay. I think she was an escaped slave and honestly? Fucking props. Spy on a shitting organization, idk what you’re doing, but your VA was that cool lesbian from SPN so I think ur okay?

Inquisition

Blackwall: Redemption Arc 101. Love him to bits. Sad dad bunwall. good man. actually atoned for his sins by actively becoming a good person. his initial design is 80% hotter im so sorry but so not.

Cassandra: was way browner in the last game. would romance the fuck outta her. I love me a butch lady who melts at my dorky recitation of poetry. BioWare is a coward. also is the worst choice for divine. but not a bad person. could use some more guidance or get her ass whipped by a dalish elf about religion or a circle mage kid whos like “yeah bud i didn’t ask for the templars to whip my ass everyday for existing.”

The Iron Bull: I think the Qunari/Vashoth were a little based off black people (the whole anti blackness thing where ppl are scared of them bcc of whatever reason) and it pisses me off that he had a weird ass dubcon thing with Dorian in banter. It doesn’t make sense— he’s an A+++ dom and would not jump straight in role play without at least checking in at first like wtf BioWare.

Cole: his mother was chasind so he’s like not supposed to be that white? or like biracial? albino? idk. love him to bits tho. He’s neurodivergent and I deadass love him. romancing him? idk. I see why ppl think it’s fuckin nasty but also like as a writer I’d age him the fuck up so fast before my inquisitor even THOUGHT about that. like idk. I’m down with him being a sweet little bro character tho. he’s a babe. love him.

Sera: had the worst fucking writer I’ve ever seen and I willingly read the twilight saga twice by a shit ass racist white lady who okay’d pedophilia. like. Fuck you Kristjanson suck your own dick you fuck. had the worst options in regards to speak to her. has a thicc case of internalized racism that literally most of the fandom just loves to use against her. my lesbian neurodivergent queen. Would write a thousand fix it fics for her. Love her to bits. im gay.

Varric: I haven’t played DA2 so i don’t get why everyone wants to romance him but like. a dwarf romance? yes please. Idk he reminds me of my uncle so I only see him as fun uncle material. Deadass should adopt Cole and Merrill and co parent with Blackwall for Sera. dads? fuck yeah. love me some wholesome, present fathers.

Dorian: is a gay stereotype that I love/hate so much. and he’s also just as bad about being a creep bcc he sexualizes qunari men (in banter). I attribute that to shit writing tho. I want to protect him from all the “omg gay best friend!” people. he’d clearly be that tired gay that wouldn’t give a diddly damn about ur het romance. wanna talk about politics? he’s ur guy/gay.

Solas: “me, an intellectual:”. I don’t hate him, but I’m not about him. He comes off as mysterious and suave (which he totally is) but I deadass would not save him from himself because he’s a racist, exclusionist eggshell. idk. not my cup of tea, but I can totally see the appeal. And he’s interesting, I’ll totally say that. “I think the Dalish are garbage but they made you” is not a compliment. it’s so offensive. and such bait for “quirky girls” which I’m no fan of. Would be Achilles and let Patroclus (Lavellan in his case) die before he realized how his pride is literally a waste of time. If he gets a redemption arc I hope Lavellan gets to slap him before getting him to teach all about ancient Arlathan and show that the Evanuris weren’t all total dicknozzles. (Aka I really have a hard time believing that they’d be slavery cult things. especially since they’ve compared elves to indigenous ppl, Jews and the Romani.)

Vivienne: it’s so racist that they’d make a black woman be pro-slavery. That’s such internalized racism. She could’ve been the cool ass “educate yourself first before you speak, fool” ice lady, but NO. the devs could’ve kept the “Templars are a tool that I proudly can mandate” and the “circles are very good education” and we. Could. Have. Romanced. Her. Like. Fuck. Sake. I just wanna give her a hug and say “love yourself omg!!” and not even in a romantic way. Also: she and morrigan should not have been so antagonistic towards each other. I’d expect them to have great respect for each other, as they both moved up in the world through hardwork and very little help. They could learn different magic from each other too and still maintain that rival respect “oh you” mood. Sidenote: probably the cooler option for Divine. if her approval is high enough she’ll love and be loyal to you forever and i can’t see her agenda being bad. she improves the circles exponentially and tells all the antis to suck her pretty painted toes.

Josephine: an actual disney princess. romanced her my first playthrough. I love her so much. she just makes me so happy. And she’s like: “Integrity, Loyalty, peace. That is what it means to be a GREY WARDEN good fucking person.” she’s the person who would let you hold her hand if you got anxious and she’d be that person who shouldered the whole group project with finesse and poise and would probably lie for everyone as to not be mean. i love josie. her and leliana’s relationship is so cute, too. whether it’s romantic or not: women supporting women.

Leliana: if you leave her hardened you must hate her. why. she becomes so against herself. i like how shes feminine and lighthearted because that’s so powerful-- to remain hopeful when the world is hopeless. (its hard to know when to soften her/harden her so i get it but. google it. she deserves to be happy and sweet again.)

Cullen: uwu war criminal with shit ass “redemption arc” that was actually a half-assed (at BEST) recovery arc. Recovery isn’t linear, it isn’t pretty, and even the broken need to be told they are wrong in order to heal right. Like I’m offended by that bullshit. I’ve had to do some mental health recovery in the past and unlearning lots of toxic ideologies— which I’m still unlearning— and it bothers me that he gets an easy pass because he’s hot. It’s one thing if you like Cullen, it’s another thing if you hold him accountable.

[spidergwenistrans]

This is gonna be a little ramble-y and disjointed, it’s just a bunch of things that have happened over the last week or so.

I matched with my first girlfriend’s ex on Tinder

some backstory: we both thought we were straight, plot twist one: she’s gay, plot twist two: so am I, but not the way everyone in highschool thought I was.

also, idk why I still use Tinder, at this point I’m not sure what I’m looking for there, I don’t think it’s a relationship, maybe just more queer girl friends? I should probably put that in my bio...

I’ve been mostly identifying as lesbian in conversations with friends, but I think I might not exactly be? I’ve never looked at a (real) cishet guy and felt any sort of attraction, but like, I think it might just be cishet guys? Like, I’ve seen a lot of nonbinary folks on Tinder who are REALLY attractive to me, and like, I’ve always felt some attraction to androgyny, I might just be specifically turned off by cishet guys, because they’re Like That so much. Idk though, everything is weird right now because I don’t really have any sexual attraction at all right now? I just want cuddles and romance??? but like, I want them so much MORE than I ever wanted them or sex before?? And it’s not like I don’t still kinda want sex, just like, it’s WAY lower priority now.

I can’t remember exactly how we got onto the topic, but I was talking with my best friend about stuff, and at one point she said something about how dumb it is the way we socialise boys to only ever be emotionally vulnerable or intimate with their girlfriends, and that those are not sharing feelings in any other case (especially straight boys, I have yet to get any opinions on this from my gay guy friends, because they’re all shit at texting back, so please, if you have thoughts, weigh in). Anyways, so she said that, and it was like early in the day on a Friday, so I wasn’t ready to get Into All That right there, but I said I have some Very Specific and Heavy Emotions about that.

So fast forward to that night, and I’m explaining how it’s kinda dawned on me that I’ve never had an emotionally vulnerable or intimate relationship and not pretty much immediately started to have a huge crush on the person. My best friend in highschool (god bless my better judgement to squash those feelings, I’m so glad I still have her as a friend and that’s all I ever really wanted), one of the girls who was in Venturers with me (that’s scouts but older kids, for those who don’t know), she had a way of always turning the conversation to deep shit, and like gotdam if my brain didn’t immediately decide to fall in love, then there’s my last girlfriend, we were just friends as far as I knew (though it turned out she was very much trying to gt us to be more for a While) and like, she was the only person I talked to about anything even remotely deep, or emotional, or vulnerable for the whole almost 4 years.

Last spring, I went camping with another friend, and since we’re both disasters, we managed to forget most of the sleeping stuff you’d want to have at camp (sleeping bags, therma-rests, blankets....) so the first night, we suffered, the second night, while still sober, we decided, “fuck that, we’re gonna at least share body heat,” then we finished all the beer we’d brought with us.

It’s worth noting here, that this was barely even a week after I realised I wasn’t a cis dude, I’m in a super weird place, and desperately trying to figure out how to say what I’m thinking to one of my longest and closest friends, so I am goddam STRESSED. My heart rate was probably triple its normal the whole weekend.

So now, all you fanfic readers and writers out there, have some vindication, bed sharing does appear to inevitably lead to that...at least for me.

Now we skip ahead a little to later int he summer after my friend who went camping with me and I have decided, “you know what, no actually, let’s stay friends huh?”

And we’re hanging out at her house doing facemasks and watching Hasan Minhaj on Netflix, and I’m texting my best friend about something, and friend I’m with is like, “oooh do you have a crush on ____?” Now, to be clear, this was probably mostly shit-disturbing, because that’s who this friend is, she likes to tease me about this stuff, especially since she had to/got to hear all about my utter confusion leading up to dating my last girlfriend.

As it turns out (I’m not at all surprised), I’m incredibly suggestible, so now that thought is planted.

My best friend lives in Toronto, so like, there’s only a few times a year we get to see each other. Before this we’d hung out for a couple days between my being in BC and coming back to Ottawa. Next time we hang out is like June or July, we only had time to go for drinks, but as usual, we talked for literally hours. Then we don’t see each other again until new year’s. She came over and we watched Rogue One, asked me questions about the backstory (she hasn’t seen all of the star wars movies yet), and then we ended up talking until 8am the next day. Because that’s a long freaking night, she ended up kinda leaning on me/lying across me. Then we went skating later on in the holidays.

At this point my brain isn’t like freaking out or anything though.

Then she’s back in Ottawa over easter. We hung out one of the days, and watched Empire strikes back and talked a lot again, and kinda ended up cuddling on the couch, but not like all wrapped around each other, just like, lying next to each other really close, and she occasionally put her head on my shoulder or chest. Somewhere in this multi-hour quasi-snuggle something in my brain was like, “yes? YES” but not super loud yet.

Now we get into exams, we ended up talking on the phone for several hours one day after something happened at her work, and I’m starting to get more comfortable with the whole emotional vulnerability more regularly thing. So we’re talking more about the shit we’re going through when it’s rough, and also about being kinda touch starved in general. 

sidenote: I didn’t really understand what it felt like to be touch starved until like the start of this month, idk if it was because I was kinda numbing myself to everything, or because hormones have changed the way I feel/experience the same emotions. Point being, I’ve never felt this upset about being touch-starved before in my life.

At this point my brain is starting to scream at full volume at me, “WE LOVE HER SOOO MUCH” which like I do? and always have? just like, I thought it was all platonic? Also like, the brain yelling gets worse whenever we talk on the phone, it so desperately wants me to do something, but like, phone is not compatible.

We’ve never had a clear delineation in terms of platonic/romatic though. Back in highschool, when we met, she and my first girlfriend were besties, and we also hung out at bit at school things like concerts (we were all band nerds) and we were accused of flirting?? (that’s a whole other thing though) and like, she’s been informing me a lot on stuff I didn’t get taught about being a girl, like makeup stuff, how to treat your boobs nice, and the art of removing a bra from under a shirt, some of which have included video tutorials?

And like, we’ve joked in the past about how different our lives might be now if we’d dated instead of the way things did go. And like, we’ve always been close, just like, I don’t think I ever thought she might actually want more than just friendship, and I’m not sure she does now?

So I explained all of this to her, except for the parts that she already knew, for that it was just about sharing the feelings I experienced. But like, the reason the comment about the way we socialise boys set me off like this is because I’m so frustrated by the fact that I can’t tell if this is like “genuine” (don’t like that, but it’s the best word I can come up with) or like, just because of being emotionally vulnerable and only knowing how to do that with romantic partners? Then like a day or two later, I had this dream where we were hanging out, and she was telling me about some boy, and how she has feelings for this boy, and holy shit the pang of jealousy I felt (and honestly had no right to feel) was goddam painful.

I also told my friend who went camping about all this, and she told me I was being silly and probably just overthinking it, like I usually do.

Last night, we were gonna talk on the phone again, because some shit happened at her work, but I had forgotten that my sister wanted us to see Detective Pikachu (great movie btw, I laughed so hard, and I probably would have cried a lot if I hadn’t kinda cried myself out a bit already this week), so we didn’t end up talking at all after the movie, which like, I felt/still feel pretty sad about, I was really looking forward to that phone call while I was at work. And like, we probably didn’t talk because she has lots of other friends to talk to too, and was just busy.

So right now I think the place I’m at with this is, like, maybe this is mostly because I still haven’t unlearned all the boy socialisation bullshit, but I don’t think that makes my feelings any less valid does it? But what am I gonna do about it if I accept the feelings? like, she lives in Toronto, I’m stuck in Ottawa for at least another school year, yeah I can go visit, sometimes, but like, would that be good or better for either of us? And all that is assuming she actually returns any of these feelings at all, which I’m really not sure about. And like, will it make it weird? like, I’d rather keep things as they are and have the good times we do when we hang out than throw it all away just because I have a crush.

I don’t want it to be weird for us to be physically close, just because my brain is screaming, because I’m literally just starting to be comfortable being physically close with friends (work through your shit people I have found baggage I didn’t know I had). Like, when she met me at the airport last spring, she started to go for a hug, but apparently I stiffened like I didn’t want it (I did, I still do) which was some kind of holdover from the weird aversion to hugs I developed in high school.