#rn i would be ashamed to invite someone over. the house is so bad.

[vanillabat99]

I got bored and thought I'd vacuum the playroom (where the solitary Family Computer lives) but it was like 6AM and I didn't want to wake everyone up, so I decided to unload the dishwasher. To my surprise, it was already empty, so the dirty dishes on the counter had no reason to be there. I don't usually load the dishwasher (sensory reasons) but again, I was very bored, so I did half of the dishes and then realised the floor was super gross in the kitchen and needed to be mopped. However mopping requires sweeping so I had to do that first ._.

I am particularly aware of how out-of-hand the house has gotten since my Beautiful Wife will be visiting in the spring and I want things to be super clean for her stay!!!! I am living in filth!! I am suffering greatly and the only other person who is even remotely aware of the state of this house is my mother, who has (FAIRLY AND RIGHTFULLY) given up on cleaning up after everyone!!! I'm hoping to maybe team up with my mom so we can get things slowly cleaned up together. I know that even if I ask the others to help, it is very unlikely to happen, and if they do clean up it won't be done properly, so my mother is my only hope 😔

[butterflyonthewall]

I'm Sorry

- I fall off the radar for days, weeks, even months at a time but I still love you. I’m a ‘lone wolf’ and when I get overwhelmed I need to be alone and calm myself down. If I try to talk to someone they’ll just try to give me answers or compare it to what they’ve experienced but I honestly don’t give a flying fuck, I just need you to listen sometimes just so I can get my thoughts out. My problems don’t just have simple answers so stop trying to give me them. I’ve tried everything you can even imagine.

I don’t want to go out every weekend because 1) I do NOT have the money, 2) I will NOT let you pay for me because then I’ll feel hella guilty and wanna pay you back when i know I can’t, 3) socializing for one day can drain all that’s inside of me for weeks.. idk why but I. Just. Can’t.

- I am ashamed of where I live and how I live. I don’t invite people over because I’m embarrassed beyond recognition on the shitty lifestyle I have. I live in my grandfathers bazillion year-old house that’s stuffed to the brim with his junk since he’s a fucking hoarder. My bedroom is smaller than the bathrooms at school and my bed takes up half the space, and it has little to no storage so what stuff I actually have is sprawled everywhere. The rest of my house is crawling with almost 20 fucking cats cuz they’re all getting knocked up and my mother is ‘waiting for a call from a no kill shelter that is only open on Saturdays’ so we are stuck with them, and since we have so many cats they are shitting and pissing EVERYWHERE and I can’t step one inch out of my room without puddles of urine or cat shit. No matter how many times we clean it all up they just keep going to the bathroom EVERYWHERE.Then to add to the stress of hating the house, the only memories I have here are 1) carrying my six year old 140lb dying dog up the stairs at 3am to then bring him to the vet where he died 2) getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety and struggling with therapy and getting meds sorted out 3) my baby sister attempting suicide TWICE 4) the same sister walking into the room crying and saying her best friend killed himself and then hearing her gut-wrenching wailing and screaming for days in misery 5) losing not one but two of my best friends (which I don’t have many of because I have a very select group of friends since I don’t social well duh) 6) DCF constantly being called on us cuz the nosy spoiled rotten people in this rich town think we’re fucked up when honestly we’re just going through rough times (which apparently they’ve never been through one cuz why tf would rich white people struggle in America ??) 7) my mother getting into a car accident and breaking her back and being on crazy meds (which she is off now and things are better with her but still SCARY TIMES)

- I don’t know what a true friendship is like. I’ve always been the weird loner kid no one talked to so idk how to talk to people. Idk what a friendship is idk what my boundaries are idk what to do when you’re upset since I’m not used to physical touch by people since no one ever hung out with me to do it idk how to read social cues.. I don’t know what to do.

- I tell my mom everything. Even if you told me in confidence I’ll still tell her cuz I look to her to help me show me what to do. She gives me advice and always has my back. She would never tell anyone tho, not even your parents. If you are in trouble my mom and I will be your savior and if you don’t want your parents knowing anything then we won’t say a word. Hell, we’ll lie for you. My mom does this because her mom did the same thing and my mom knows what it’s like to need a safe place so she made one herself for anyone who needs it. I’m sorry if you don’t like me telling her stuff but she is my rock.

- I don’t do sports because as a kid my anxiety disorder kept me from joins teams and I was so scared for people to judge me if I wasn’t good so I never tried. I honestly would love to do sports but I’m just so scared because I was always to anxious to even try so I’m so bad rn that I’m below even Beginners Level..

- I love food. I love homemade meals.. With all the shit going on nobody has really cooked so we all just get cheap food from Walgreens and McDonald’s. But I truly LOVE vegetables and fruits and Mexican food and Chinese and some Italian foods and Japanese foods.

- I’m so jealous. I want to have the money to get cute clothes, even just some Nike leggings or adidas sneakers. I want s credit cards and be able to go shopping and do YouTube and stuff but I’m stuck where I am since my family’s priority rn is mental health and my sister. I wanna go to concerts and go on adventures but everything cuz at least a little bit of money but I don’t have ANY.

- I feel ugly. Some people will compliment me but ik you’re just saying that to make me feel better. Hell, I’ve done it. I’ve been called ugly and I remember in the 4th grade there was this new girl who thought I was a boy cuz of my deep voice and short hair, people would make fun of my hair and crooked teeth, and people even tricked me into believing this cute popular guy was into me but it was just a cruel joke, people tell me that nobody likes me cuz I’m weird and annoying, and there’s much more. But what really pisses me off is that my best friend is fucking gorgeous but she doesn’t see it which completely baffles me like wtf your eyes are so bright and your long beautiful eyelashes frame the perfectly and you have hella fine cheekbones and strong jawlines and killer smile and perfect nose while I have a flat face with no cheekbones and a big nose and short eyelashes and red splotches and dry patches and ugh.:

I’m sorry this is who I am.