#rn i gotta say updates will not be consistent! just toying with the idea rn :3

[pulsedmaggot]

reclaim myself ☣ chapter 1/??

the transitional period between sexart being a thing and korn scooping jd up like vultures is something that can be so personal. i made a whole post about the idea of munky feeling things™ seeing jd in drag for sexart and then i was like oh you could make a fic out of this. but i fucked around and now it's gonna be a multichapter! scary!!! | ship: jd/munky | words: 992 | warnings & tags: internalized homophobia, 90s-typical language, munky falling siege to jd's terrible flirting | summary: korn is in its prophase, and munky has a thing for their new singer that he doesn't have an excuse for. he'll find a way to cope. somehow.

for 18+ audiences only, minors dni.

munky knows what a drag queen is.

with that being said, he can't exactly tell if jonathan is or isn't.

not that it'd be a problem either way, because this is california and there's certain stuff you just can't have a problem with here. unless you're loud enough to express otherwise. munky wouldn't consider himself the other, he doesn't think. all he knows about the guy is that he can sing, that they need a singer, and the singer that they need just so happens to be something of a drag queen. he thinks. he might not be, but munky wouldn't know.

if jonathan dressed up just for shows then yeah, munky would tell you with a straight face that creep's- toy's, korn's, whatever- new singer is a guy who dresses up as a chick when he performs. therefore, that guy, is a drag queen. plain and fucking simple. except it's not plain at all, and it's far from simple, because some days munky'll see jonathan in dark red lipstick and a skirt that flows all the way down to his feet, and other days he'll see him in a tracksuit three times his size wearing sneakers with holes in them. on or off stage, too. pre and post sexart, too, if he can remember right. the days are starting to blur together, honestly, and it's fine because that means that they're doing it, that the days between doing shows are getting smaller, that they're so used to being on and off stage that maybe everyday's just one venue after another.

still. still.

munky has to figure it out soon, figure him out, because it's normal to see someone in short shorts and heels and hoop earrings and think 'wow, fuck me right now'. it's encouraged, even. he's pretty sure he's been taught to oggle girls before he was taught how to ride a bike. he's also pretty sure that he was taught to not even look twice at a boy, much less a boy that you and all your friends knew liked to dress up as a girl, in the way that he tends to look at jonathan from time to time. so he has to find out. he has to ask him- has to ask jonathan if he's a him who wants to be a her, or a him who's a him in a way that's unique to just him, or a him who used to be a her and is playing some type of longform psychological horror genre 4d chess just to fuck with everyone.

because it's fine if he's actually a she, because that means munky's looking at a girl with chest hair and broad shoulders and hey, so what, it's the 90s. sometimes girls have that.

but if jonathan's a boy, and just a boy, who just so happens to dress the way he does, then munky is so, so, majorly fucked up.

-

"hey, no problem, thanks for coming."

"no, really, you were great, uh-"

"jonathan."

"-jonathan. right. you guys were great, jonathan, really. i had a great time, uh- watching."

"oh yeah? liked what you saw?"

"okay, i'm- shit, that came out wrong. that came out wrong, didn't it?"

"nope. i think you were being honest…"

"munky."

"that's your name? munky?"

"well, no, technically it's- my real name's, uh, james. everyone calls me munky though. it's, like… it's whatever, y'know?"

"yeah, totally, i get that."

"don't fuckin'- laugh- c'mon. i'm- i came here to compliment you! cut it out!"

"you came to my band's show to compliment just me? that's fucked up, mr. munky. and here i thought you were honest-"

"jeez, okay. i really- i'm- i'm so fucked up right now-"

"-a gentleman, even. wow. where has chivalry gone."

"alright, well- i guess… i guess you're right because i didn't come here to just compliment you. someone wanted me to give you this."

"i'm- uh-"

"it's not like that, i promise. we're a band and we need a singer, and this guy- reggie- he's our bassist and he couldn't make it tonight but he's seen you before. says he knows you, or something. he wanted us to give you this."

"i mean… yeah, sure, i'll call him."

"you will? for real?"

"i guess i have to, right? if i wanna keep seeing you."

"i- yeah. okay. you- okay. okay."

"don't tell me i got you with that one, james."

-

admitting it to himself isn't easy, so he doesn't.

if he did admit it to himself, that jonathan happened to fit the requirements for the type of person that he's into, then that means he'd need a word for it. and really, as far as he knows, he isn't queer, or gay, or into dudes, like, at all. he'll have moments where he lingers on local bands as they decimate an audience, or someone at the skatepark, or the liquor store, or the street where him and brian used to smoke cigarettes, but he doesn't do anything about it. he just looks. and looking at a guy doesn't make you gay.

and jonathan still might not be a guy, so he's still in the clear, except…

everywhere they go, they introduce themselves as brian, munky, reggie, david, and jonathan. every time they end a show- a korn show, as they've all decided- some girl shouts 'i love you, jonathan!' at them when they're carrying their gear off stage. everyone they know, or meet, because now that they're korn they've been meeting up with a lot of people, calls jonathan he. even when he has eyeliner and lipstick on. even the guys from sexart, as hazy as they were in munky's memory, called him a he. and every day, jonathan comes to practice in an oversized shirt and jeans and listen, so what, it's the 90's, everyone dresses like that, but…

jonathan just might be a guy. a guy that munky wants, badly. and that might be a problem.