#ritsu: do they not teach you that in demon law school?

[tokutaiseichan]

thinking about that Ritsu Shinjo doing a demonic pact makes me giggle a bit bc you know that mf gotta be a one handful little contractor

[witchreflection]

Hello friends, I not only translated from Spanish my MP100/GO crossover, I expanded it a bit 

The one where Mob is the Antichrist (WIP)

As it happens with all important projects, when the moment to set the apocalypse into motion arrived, the infernal powers appointed (or may be, sentenced) a committee to oversee all details, and as it happens with all committees, no one ever agreed on anything and only one person (or in this case, being) did all the work[1].

In another world, the unfortunate sap in charge of the allocation of a human family for the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan and Lord of Darkness, chose the family of the American Cultural Attaché in the United Kingdom as the best suited for the task, and then devised an ingenious plan (for a demon) where all the actual planning for the interchange of babies was delegated to other even more unfortunate infernal agents.

In this world, however, the outcome of the committee representative’s game of eeny, meeny, miny, moe was different, so the chosen family was that of the daughter of a Japanese home appliances tycoon, and then the committee’s representative forgot to actually delegate the planning until the last moment. This is why the demon Crowley received the following orders alongside a basket with a perfectly average looking, dark haired male baby:

“Corrupt a human so they can be persuaded to steal a child from his mother’s arms, to be unknowingly replaced by our Lord’s son.”

And,

“DO NOT MESS IT UP, CROWLEY.”

Crowley offered ₤100[2] to a nurse he found smoking in the parking lot to do the deed.

And well, many years later Crowley will wash his hands over the whole affair, arguing that his plan would have worked if that same day, at that same hospital, at the other end of the same hall where Hoshino Nadeshiko-san (full-time heiress) was in labor, Kageyama Akane-san (programmer, alongside her husband at the UK for work) was not in the same situation. Or maybe it would have worked if this nurse were not terribly racist, on top of unscrupulous, and didn’t think that “all Chinese people look the same”[3].

***

Eventually, the Kageyama family (now including their much-loved Shigeo) had to return to Japan once their contracts and visas expire. In the meanwhile, the young Hoshino Asahi-kun grew a bit neglected by his parents, but with the constant attention and counsel of his kendo instructor[4] and the housekeeper.

***

Asahi-kun’s 15th birthday comes but no hellhound does.

Crowley and Aziraphale scramble to find out what happened to the Antichrist, and they first search for the nurse who is now in prison[5] and doesn’t know anything of use, then the hospital, where they pick up a paper trail[6] that leads them to Japan.

“Well,” says the demon to the angel. “On the bright side, you do like sushi.”

***

Kageyama Shigeo is a very normal baby. Average size, average weight, reaches the developmental milestones at the expected ages. His parents love him very much and if Shige-chan has an habit of always managing get things he shouldn’t into his hands, they don’t think too much about it and gently correct him, just as they do when he tries to lick the neighbour’s cat or pulls from mommy’s hair.

When things start to float a bit, they take it on stride, because, well, it is not really problem, it is only small things and not very high, and Akane is pregnant again.

It does take them by surprise when Ritsu-chan keeps dropping his pacifier or a preferred toy and they have to keep picking it up for him, which immediately raises a concern about how many things that touched the floor ended up on Shige-chan’s mouth, and relief that they don’t have to worry about that with Ritsu-chan[7].

As Shige grows, so do his powers, and his family also grows accustomed to them. Soon, every time he cries –which is not often– the furniture will rattle, the rain will not touch him and he would make little and not so little animals swim through the air, or the bath water would float in shapes, but is always to entertain Ritsu or their friend Tsubomi. Sometimes the cutlery will bend, or Shige would accidentally make everything in the house hover 2cm over the floor in his sleep, but he is a good kid and it’s not like he does it intentionally.

Then, after an incident where Ritsu returns unharmed but covered in blood and Shige in in tears, and they don’t tell no matter how much Akane and Hisao ask their children what happened, Shige stops using his powers deliberately while the accidents increase, but they can’t do anything about it, because who do you ask about your child ESP problems? 

***

Later, people will debate if the well-timed appearance of Reigen Arataka into Shigeo’s life was in fact as “godsend” as the Kageyamas thought the day their child returned home from school happier and more at ease that they had seen him in months.

The fact that the man would also act as a quick response free babysitter and chaperon also helped to improve their opinion of him[8].

***

Kageyama Shigeo is a very unremarkable boy, but he tends to have a tangible effect in the people who cross his path, and he achieves this despite his powers and no thanks to them, mostly.

Had this been a different world, his powers would have not been obvious, but would have arranged the world around him to his liking. In this one, they never get him what he wants and he has to figure that one all on his own[9].

***

A list of times the world could have ended ahead of schedule:

After the incident when Shigeo lost control of his powers for the first time and believed, for a second, before he heard him cry, that Ritsu was dead.

All the times Dimple tried and failed to convince Shigeo to help him become a god[10].

The time a technician’s shoelace got caught in his desk chair’s wheel, making him trip and smash his keyboard, almost starting up a chain of events that would have resulted in a Chinese Navy ship colliding with an American one, had he not also accidentally disconnected the ethernet connection of his terminal in the process.

The time Mogami almost managed to make Shigeo lose his faith in humanity.

The time Dimple did achieve godhood thanks to Shigeo’s powers, before Shigeo’s powers decided they could do give it a try on their own and Dimple realised his mistake.

That one incident by the end of Shigeo’s second year at middle school, which is not discussed in public by people in the known, for plausible deniability, you understand. Even thought it was not his fault, he is very sorry and very sure it won’t happen again and he helped put everything together again, and he has been reassured that no one died, miraculously[10].

But the important bit is that it didn’t happen.

*** For a being that some of the time is a snake, Crowley has way too much leg to fit into a tourist class plane seat, and he has time to complain about it at length during the 12 hours flight.

You see, due to the intrinsic nature of airlines, miracling two last-minute first-class plane tickets, does not mean that those two first-class seats actually exist in that flight.

The fact that Crowley was responsible for making flying a terribly uncomfortable ordeal for the masses, was an irony lost on him.

So was the fact that he was directly contributing to the flight attendant’s path to sainthood, attained by her infinite patience.

________________________

[1]Except that, in fact, none of them did anything.

[2] The money was fake, but the nurse deserved it.

[3] Yeah, neither I know what Crowley was expecting to happen.

[4] If he’d had the time to pay attention to these things, Hoshino Katashi-san (CEO of his father-in-law’s company and absent but demanding parent) would had made an issue out of the kendo instructor being British. Fortunately, not only he never asked who was teaching his son, but the instructor wasn’t even really British in the first place, nor Japanese as Hoshino-san would preferred, nor anything, simply because the instructor wasn’t born in any country, or region, or geographic zone, as he had been brought into existence by Divine Will before the Creation, and he has been issued the physical form he inhabited after a long and tedious bureaucratic process, and he very much prefers to never have to go through it again, thank you.

[5]After noticing the money she had been paid with was fake, the nurse took a very pragmatic decision by taking the extra baby she found herself with to an adoption agency for rich people, where she received a quite large “fee”. This inspired her to a change in careers and became a full time “recruiter” for the agency, until it was closed under investigations for human trafficking.

[6]Not literally. The paper archive was burnt in a freak accident which was in no way caused by infernal agents with no knowledge about electronic databases.

[7]What they don’t know is that, soon enough, Shige-chan starts picking up things for his brother too when they are not looking. Maybe this is the reason why the brothers built extraordinarily strong immune systems and rarely get sick, maybe it is the other way around. I’m betting in the later.

[8]So did the discreet background check they did(a) on Reigen to make sure nothing untoward would happen. It also revealed that the man had his driving licence and an updated certification in first aid, making him qualified enough to take up child-care professionally.

[8.a] A leftover form their youth, before they decided to use their skills in a more legitimate manner as “cybersecurity”.

[9]With the support of loving family and friends, not that it lessens his effort in any way, but it is nice to mention it and Shigeo likes be reminded of it, too.

[10]But not a god as in God, more like a god as in the inaccurate translation of kami in Shintoism. Unbeknownst, back then, to Dimple, had he succeeded in making a god out of Shigeo, the results could had been less like the Emperor (like he envisioned) and closer (but not quite) to the actual Almighty.

[11]This is still being debated by the people in the known.