#rip my 1989 era you were so fun and will be missed

[funtime-downtown]

Also personal note i might be leaving my 1989 era for what I dont know

[stillgeekingout]

part 2~

I finally actually read all of pride and prejudice, it was great everyone was right lol. also I made character playlists for it for sara’s bday but I also just like them

speaking of playlists. ingrid and I went back to working on our narrative playlist project and we are now hopelessly invested in it lol. all of the playlists are done as of last week but more things to come. also I put together a box of props based on the characters for ingrid’s bday but also for me (are you sensing a theme lmao)

I wrote a song!!! I have always wanted to and never succeeded but I did do it and I think it’s good. I probably won’t ever do anything with it but it exists. maybe in 30 years I’ll write another one. or maybe sooner if we do our OLS thing

we went to a couple of Musical Mondays at a theatre near us and sang in their open mic competitions (and didn’t win but it was fun)

I thought last year was concert year but this was truly concert year. concerts I saw this year: lucius w/ingrid & my mom which was CRAZY good and we were super close and then they came into the crowd and stood right in front of us, aly & aj with ingrid, muna in atlanta which was my first time going to a concert alone (it was still fun but I prefer not going alone), twice in atlanta with shannen and ingrid, black midi with ingrid/sara/sara’s dad lol, and tessa violet w ingrid and the people we made friends with in the crowd (this one was also really small and cool). we started listening to chappell roan like the week she was in orlando and it was already sold out rip. also darren came to orlando but I didn’t go to that either bc it was his christmas show and I don’t care

I lost my beloved yellow water bottle in an airport :’(

I feel like I didn’t really go feral over any tv/movies this year? we watched not dead yet and taskmaster but idk there weren’t any new-to-me shows that I got super into. I was underwhelmed by barbie…. nimona was good and I’m glad it exists but it didn’t Hit Me the way I think it hit other people

one of my parasocial relationships got to the point where even I was like ok this needs to stop

on the flip side my other parasocial relationship is going great on bluesky lmao 

my sister was in indonesia the whole year! :o I miss her a lot! in september we were the depression bros

I saw snow for the first time!! we went on a roadtrip to virginia and north carolina to see friends

got addicted to fb marketplace and got 2 new armchairs (and the infusion tea couch)

ingrid and I took spanish in the fall but the teacher was bad so I didn’t learn very much spanish

our roommate stayed for a second year, she is chill

shannen moved farther away :( but we still got to hang out

we did 2 friend group powerpoint parties

I guess I can’t not say it…. the eras tour took over my entire social media feed which first gave me fomo and then it was fine and then annoying but it did make me start talking to hannah and now we are friends outside of ingrid :)

also this was My Year for taylor’s versions, speak now and 1989 are The Ones (even tho I don’t prefer the new versions)

ingrid and shannen FINALLY finished corey & sherlock. and I read it and it was fun despite also being A Time because it fell during my depression month rip

rory was born!! the first baby in my Vicinity in a looong time

obligatory bullet point for muna bc I love them… I’m still not a podcast person but I listened to so much gayotic this year. yeehaw silk is my roman empire

saved it for the end: my goal in 2023 was to write a lot of my rough draft and I did it! we went to see manatees, we went to st augustine multiple times, I read seasons of real florida & braiding sweetgrass (until I had to return it to the library lol) and I researched weaving and made a connection through an infodump match blog and drew an insanely detailed castle map… working on this book is occasionally stressful but mostly it’s just fun!

did a lot of writing in the beginning of the year and then stagnated for a while and then I was looking for a distraction from work hell and rainbow convinced me to do nanowrimo on a whim and I completed it!

I was in a writing group with someone I used to rp with on forums when I was like 13. WILD

anyway 2023 was a lot but a lot of good things happened too. I hope this year to stress less about work and just focus on what I can control, like my house and my book etc. my mom keeps saying “ready for what’s in store in 2024” so I made up a mcelroy year title for her which is “20 what’s in store: the adventure awaits”. personally idk if I want an adventure this year so I’m sticking with fungalore hearing my wish to get a lot of writing done. if you made it this far I hope you have a year of human connection, restful sleep, and good snacks. peace and love <3

I was gonna be like "would you believe it's my 10th one of these" but apparently tumblr has a CHARACTER LIMIT now????? why would they nerf me on the year I decided not to worry about how long it was

anyway I guess I'm splitting this in 2 so reflections on 2023 part one~

let's start with work bc then I want to be done with it: I spent all year doing trainings (& 2 conferences) and researching and preparing to apply for an advisor position if it ever opened up. it did open up in spring, I applied and did not get it, the new advisor was not good and got fired, I applied again having done much more training and still did not get it, I applied for a different advisor position trying to triumphantly leave my office and did not get that either. so now I’m still in my same position working under the person who beat me for the job but this time with a bunch of extra responsibility that I gave myself trying to prep to be promoted. lol. if I sound very bitter it’s because I am :)))) 

all that being said, I do still mostly like my job from day to day. and I still want to do advising, probably. if they’ll ever hire me for it

related to work but less bitter: I had mostly good relationships with my coworkers. one of them was pregnant for a lot of the year and just had her baby last week and I’m very excited to meet her (we went to her baby shower despite all her friends being Very Christian lol it was a time) (this coworker is uhhhh A Lot but it’s complicated lol). I got to be on the hiring committee for another coworker which was a cool experience and also she is very nice. got closer with another coworker who I previously had kind of a tenuous relationship with (and now she works fully remote so it doesn’t even matter) (jk)

another thing I did in my quest to Be Hireable was basically take over supervising the student leaders (work study students) at work. shoutout to esteban, isa, aar and sheri lol

I have inherited my mother’s trait of getting attached to problem children. there are several students who are a recurring Thorn In My Side but also I’m rooting for them

last work thing that is only tangentially a work thing: I became the advisor for GSA at my campus and now I have a bunch of queer college students under my wing. a few of us walked in pride which was my first time being in the parade and it was wild. also we had an event for trans awareness week and I am proud of them for coming up with it :)) more exciting things to come this year. feels good to have a little corner where I can provide support in the face of so many attacks from the FL govt

let’s get the other big bad thing out of the way! my mental health was shit lol. I briefly was doing virtual appointments with a therapist in the spring but it mostly just made me feel weird and untherapizable. (as in, I didn’t feel like I was getting much out of it but I think part of that was that it was zoom calls from my car on my phone during lunch breaks) although it did lead to me leaving my phone outside of the bedroom at night and putting timers on my apps which I think have been net positives even if they haven’t made as much of a difference as I hoped. 

the aforementioned job stress was a huge part of it, the application process lasted like 2 months and then they left me on the hook after the interview for Multiple Weeks which was. a bad time.

another part of it was I was alone a lot on weekends and I’m not very good at using my time off to do fun and nice things when I’m by myself, usually I end up just stewing in my brains. I did try to get in the habit of occasionally going to these nice gardens near us so maybe I will do that more this year also.

also health related: got my first mammogram this year. it was uncomfortable but fine. also got my first pap smear which was QUITE PAINFUL AND UNPLEASANT but I did survive it

also tangentially health related: I tried a few times throughout the year to do yoga. for a lil bit I was doing it with some coworkers after work once a week. some of it I did with some people from the carry on discord. it was very intermittent but better than nothing at all!

last health thing: my dad’s siblings had an Exceptionally Shitty Summer. one of his sisters died, another of his sisters had an extreme staph infection and was in the hospital for weeks, and one of his brothers had a mini stroke and possibly also a heart attack? the latter two are doing okay now but it was rough for a minute there

ENOUGH BAD STUFF I turned 30 this year! three full decades on this earth

Ingrid got her work authorization and a job and later in the year her green card!

I paid off my car (and also my car is having a lot of minor problems but that’s just… having a car)

I made a few financial mistakes (messed up our taxes, accidentally got a best buy credit card) but they are hopefully still fixable and overall we still saved money by the end of the year. we tried to keep a budget for a while but it was hard to keep up with. we also tried to join a credit union but their customer service was really weird

made a halfhearted attempt at local politics (went to a few protests, one city planning thing, and one socialist alternative meeting)

stay tuned for part 2 since tumblr hates me apparently

[darkarfs]

the worst movie tie-ins in the history of wrestling

Wrestling is stupid, and will show its ass at the mere mention of cross-promotion, especially when it comes to movies, which is it's cooler older brother that can get away with a lot more. Hell, the 2nd ever SummerSlam's main event, in 1989, was Hulk Hogan facing the main villain, Tiny Lister as Zeus (RIP), from the film they were both in, No Holds Barred. So wrestling's always wanted a piece of that. So... - Army of the Dead Let's just get this one out of the way. Here's the thing; I thought the WrestleMania Backlash's card was fucking perfect...except for this weird business. WMB MIGHT've been the best show of the pandemic (hot take) were it not for making sure we sell Big Dave's big zombie heist movie. If they had just kept some of the guys in zombie makeup on the Thunderdome's webcam footage, that would have been borderline charming. But instead, the Miz (who was WWE champion 3 months ago, don't forget) and Damien Priest (who they're making WWE's pop-culture liaison so far on the main roster, for some reason) had to sell for zombies in a lumberjack match. If this was the first ever wrestling show you watched with a loved one who had never watched wrestling or hadn't since like, the end of the Attitude Era, would you for a second want them to stick around after Miz and Morrison get, for all intents and purposes, kayfabe killed and eaten, and then watch Damien Priest shoot the logo at the ceiling? My money's on "no." - Shaft Speaking of the Attitude Era, anytime someone tells you that wrestling was cooler in that 3-year time frame, point them to the June 15th of 2000 episode of SmackDown, where a storyline that ran throughout the show followed Patterson and Briscoe through New York City to find Crash Holly and his Hardcore Title. Now, I admit parts of this are kinda funny, like Briscoe just wanting to give up and find a "gen-yoo-WINE New York hot dawg!" That's fun! And who does Crash Holly run into but none other than Shaft, and his woman, the only one who understands this complicated man, John Shaft. So, we have real Samuel L. Jackson, playing fake John Shaft, talking to real/fictional Crash Holly, and man is it weird. Anyway, Shaft agrees to be Crash's bodyguard for the night, and he slaps around Patterson and Briscoe in a nightclub. After all, what better way to get across how cool and badass a character is than having him knock around the fucking Stooges? - The Wrestler Well, this is complicated. The Wrestler, starring ancient wooden lion Mickey Rourke, is a somber tale about an industry that, in its heyday, left people physically spent, washed-up and addicted to adrenaline at best, and dead at worst. It famously moved Roddy Piper to tears because he recognized what destruction and brokenness the industry once left in its wake. Which is why it's super-weird that WWE jumped at the chance to promote maybe the bleakest possible look at their world in 2009, and did so by having Chris Jericho smack the shit out of three old wrestlers at WrestleMania 25, including Roddy Piper. And then have Rourke jump into the ring, wearing his "do you want to take peyote in the desert?" starter kit and bring out his amateur boxing chops. Tonally, it's just really bleak. Like if the creator of Super Size Me screened the premiere at the world's biggest McDonald's. - Bride of Chucky Poor Rick Steiner. You didn't deserve this. You're the sane Steiner. They shouldn't have made you talk to the puppet. So, WCW was heading into Halloween Havoc 1998, and after years of stomping all over the WWF in the ratings, the wheels had come off, and dramatically. Like, all at once. Like the car in the Blues Brothers. To boost PPV buys, they spent a fortune bringing in the Ultimate Warrior to rekindle a feud with Hulk Hogan, mostly by hiding in his fucking mirror. And the Steiner Brothers, one of the best teams of the early 90s, had been feuding with one another since Scott turned on his at SuperBrawl. What was the best way to build hype around this match at Halloween Havoc? Why, to have Rick get into a war of words - and lose - to Chucky. Yes.

Serial killer doll voiced by Brad Dourif, and it's so sad. Chucky cusses Rick out while Rick challenges the fucking doll to a fight, which is promptly ignored (Chucky's video segment is pre-recorded, and you can tell because he starts talking about 3 times in 3 minutes while Rick's mid-promo and missing his cues to stop) and then is made fun of. And all the while, people were probably wondering "what's going on on Vince's show?" and the answer is...that was the episode of Raw where Austin fills Vince's Corvette with cement, which is slightly more badass than being teased by a puppet. - The Goods Here's the thing: Raw is, right now, a bad show. It is bad TV. It's been bad for a while now. And as bad as it is right now, it's still not as fuck-awful as it was in 2009, aka the Age of the Guest Hosts (which, in kayfabe, was given to us by Donald J. Trump, so blame that ambulatory Nazi scrotum for one more thing, he's certainly earned it). For those of you fortunate enough to not be watching what was objectively unwatchable at the time - and hell, I sure as shit wasn't checking in very often - from mid-2009 to around mid-2010, a celebrity would be the special guest host of Monday Night Raw, often to promote a TV show or movie, and it was nearly all horribly-written, cheesy wank. Imagine if every week was the week of the zombie attack at Backlash. That's what it was like. Bob Barker was funny. The Muppets were good. And THAT'S the end of the list. MacGruber coming out to blow up R-Truth made me want to fall on a knife. The A-Team coming out to beat up Virgil was fucking awful. Go straight to fucking HELL, the Three Stooges, Dennis Miller, the reverend Al Sharpton, the 2010 Pittsburgh Steelers, Don Johnson and Jon Heder, the poor entire cast of Hot Tub Time Machine...and then there's Piven. Jeremy Piven. He showed up with Ken Jeong to promote a movie no one remembers...called the Goods. He stunk up several segments, infamously called SummerSlam "the Summer Fest" and then got roughed up by John Cena. Wrestling's the worst. Stop watching. And many did. For a looooooong time. - Robocop 2 This one's infamous, so I'll keep it brief. Robocop 2 came out in 1990, and goddamn, I don't know how much money the producers threw at WCW, but it was enough for them to rebrand an entire PPV "Capitol Combat: the Return of Robocop" and marketed the entire thing around the fancy metallic gentleman. The branding really made it seem like Robert Cop was old friends with the promotion, and indeed, old friends with Sting. Makes sense; two big, heroic idiots running on BASIC. He had been feuding with the Four Horsemen, who locked him in a cage at ringside. Out comes Robocop, called completely straight by Jim Ross, who rips the cage door off his hinges, and then leaves. An accumulated 85 seconds of screen time. Totally worth being the centerpiece of this PPV! But a little context as to why WCW fans hated it so much: 1989, the year before, was regarded by WCW fans as one of the best in company history. The era that gave us stuff like Chi-Town Rumble and the still-very-much-lauded peak of the Steamboat/Flair feud. To go from that to Robocop was seen as a bit of a slap in the face, because WCW was always seen as the more traditional "wrasslin'" company and was never into cheesy pop-culture crossovers, which is why the last one...is all the funnier.

- Ready To Rumble First of all, those dumbasses at Turner had to give Michael Buffer - who they still had on retainer - around $350,000 just to use that title, because he owns the trademark to that phrase. Strike 127 million, capitalism, that a guy gets to own a phrase and gets paid an obscene amount when he or anyone else uses it. Secondly, I initially wasn't going to do movies where the promotion itself is producing the movie, or oh holy HELL would See No Evil and the infamous May 19 shit be on here. But unlike See No Evil, this had a hand in killing a decades-old wrestling promotion, so it feels weird to not include it. On April 7th, 2000, bad movie Ready To Rumble was released, a film about two hapless dorks trying to help Oilver Platt, aka the lawyer from the West Wing, become WCW World Heavyweight Champion. Two weeks later, to promote the movie, they made David Arquette, the lead actor in the movie, the WCW World Heavyweight Champion. He pinned Eric Bischoff, who wasn't the champion, of course, in a match where he was teamed with Diamond Dallas Page, his best pal and the company's top babyface at the time, but who is also one of the villains in the film to make it extra confusing for the mainstream casual audience the movie was made to attract. And, to be fair, Arquette didn't want to do it, NO ONE really wanted to do it, and it tanked viewership for WCW once and for all. At the very least, David took his payday from the wrestling appearances and the film and gave it to the families of Owen Hart, Brian Pillman and to Darren Drozdov, who had been paralyzed from the neck down in a wrestling match the previous year.

[jpat82]

Sanity

So my sister @devilbat request 21, 26, and 28 form the prompts. I decided to make this part of My Uncle Tony series.

21.) And so, I start another day being kidnapped.

26.)all that blood looks good on you, brings out yours eyes.

28.) why is there a raccoon in the kitchen? And why is it wearing an apron?

     You blew a strand of hair from your forehead as you looked around the small room. The walls a slate grey, a cement floor, an annoyingly bright uncovered over head light bulb that wasn't doing anything to help the throbbing in your head. A singular metal door that had multiple dents. The ropes that wrapped around your upper torso holding you tight to the chair was an ever present reminder that you knowing the Asgardian brothers would no doubt lead you to moments like this. Adding to the fact that your uncle was not only a very prominent man but an Avenger as well, that probably didn't help. But on the bright side at least you had had your back surgery.

     "And so," You sighed heavily with aggravation. "I start another day being kidnapped."

     It had been months, almost a year since your last kidnapping. You had went out to replace the stuff Thor had took while Loki was the distraction from last night. It was the return trip, broad daylight, well some what overcast but still very much during the day. Carrying two bags back toward your upscale apartment, at first you thought you had felt a bee sting you. And naturally you brought your hand up to your neck, only to the brush dart out instead.

     And that lead you to this moment, well actually only a couple moment before this one right here. The blinding headache, the steady small pain throbbing in your neck, and the demeanor of a disgruntled penguin. You wanted to slap whoever thought this was a great idea, this never went the way they planned. However that never stopped them.

     The door creak and all you did in response was raise your eyebrow. A very well dressed man with a neatly groom goatee walked in, his heels clicked against the cement floor. He held his hands behind his back, and you weren't sure if he was the big boss man or just a really well dressed henchman.

     "Asgardains or Stark?" You demanded.

     "Come again, little girl?" He asked with a thick accented voice.

      "Or Romanoff?" You tilted your head slight, narrowing your eyes. "Russian?"

      "What would give you that idea? And why would you think Romanoff?” He questioned, stopping just before you. Maybe if you had the ability to stretch your legs the tips of your toes would touch his black Italian leather shoes.

      "Well, your accent. I know a lot of people, been around a lot of different accents. Comes with the territory. So what do you want with Natasha?”

“It’s not Romanov that we want.” He stated, his lip curling in a sinister sneer. “We want our asset back.”

“Your asset?” You question feeling your brows bunch together.

“Yes, and you, little girl are going to get him for me.”

“Me?” You rolled your eyes taking a deep breath. “I don’t have your asset and this, this right here kidnapping me and holding me hostage is only going to end badly for you.”

“Nobody knows where you are, trust me, we are safe here.” The guy smirked, cocking his head to the side. You laughed in response looking straight at him.

“You really think you’re safe here? You seriously think so? Do you know how many times I’ve been kidnapped?” You asked him, taking a deep breath. “Look buddy, attempting to go through me to get your asset is like going through Comcast to get ahold of Disney, it just doesn’t work that way.”

“One of two things are going to happen.” You stated flatly before continuing. “You either get Thor and Loki, cause they are very protective me, especially the raven haired God of Mischief. He’ll likely rip you to pieces while Thor fries your ass. Or you get my uncle, and he is not someone you want to be on the bad side of. Cause either route you go, it’s going to be severely painful.”

“I’m hoping it’s your uncle. We are heavily fortified, and he will need his entire team to get you out. And when he does that he will bring me my asset.”

“Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you.” You stated just as a red light in the hall turned on and began flash before the power flickered. “Guessing that was the back up generator being kicked on?”

The man looked over his shoulder before pressing on the ear piece that was hidden in his ear. He shouted something in Russian briskly. He turned his gaze back to you, you shifted, straightening yourself a bit more.

“Guessing the perimeter was breeched?” You smiled.

It didn’t take long before you heard gunfire and the man in front of you sprang into action. He spun on his heel, pulling a gun from his hip. He never got a shot off before you watched his body jerk and blood spray out behind him onto you. You reeled back slightly in the chair caught off guard, normally things like this didn’t happen yet here you were covered in someone else’s blood. You blinked hard a couple time before it dawned on you a flash of green and gold had entered the room.

“My pet,” Loki cooed as he knelt down in front of you, a dagger materializing in your hands. He cut you free as you slowly looked up and met his eyes. “All that blood looks good on you, brings out your eyes.”

“Loki?” You said softly before the room went black.

—————-

You woke with a start, your soft blanket surrounding you and Loki’s side of the bed empty. If it weren’t for the fact you could still feel where the ropes had rubbed against your arms making them raw you would of just thought it was a dream. The window outside was dark and you weren’t sure if it night or early morning.

Slowly pulling yourself from the confines of your warm soft bed, the second thing you notice was you were in your pajamas. So whatever had happened after being doused in the guys blood Loki had at least had the decency to change you into something clean. Hushed voices came from your open doorway making you wonder what the hell was going on.

Slipping out into the hall you excepted to hear Tony sternly talking to the brothers, yet the voices you heard beside the idiots were ones you didn’t recognize. You walked out into the landing looking down into the living room where a woman who was green was standing. Not wearing but her skin was green and you felt a wave of confusion. She was talking to another woman with overly large eyes and antennas sticking out of her head.

Whatever they hit you with must of had some psychedelics into as a tiny tree looking man was kicking a huge guy that was silver and red at the base of your stairs. The tree thing repeatedly say ‘I am Groot.’ in a very angry tone. Almost everyone stopping talking as you hit the bottom of the stairs, except the tree. You started walking toward the kitchen where you could hear Thor and Loki talking to someone else when a man in a red leather jacket stepped out of the dining room, his out fit almost reminding you of Micheal Jackson era clothing.

“Well, hello gorgeous.” He smirked, his blue eyes traveling over you.

“Wow, nice one Thriller, the 80’s called and want their wardrobe back.” You stated walking past him as you rolled your eyes.

Stepping into the kitchen reveled even more confusion.

“Why is there a raccoon in my kitchen? And why is it wearing an apron?” You asked looking from Thor to Loki.

“Who you calling a raccoon? Is she calling me a raccoon?” It spoke, you blinked even harder looking slowly up from it back to the brothers.

“Lady y/n, this is Rabbit.” Thor stated proudly, smiling.

“Thor, that’s not a rabbit.” You replied looking at Loki.

“Darling, I know this might all seem confusing, but these people are who helped us get you out of Hydras base. This is Rocket, the only sane one of the group.” Loki explained.

“If you think he’s sane then obviously it’s someone else in this group. I think I’m going to see if my therapist has any openings. You boys have fun and don’t use my good knives.” You replied, slowly turning and taking a deep breath. “And also to ask my uncle if I’m going to need a bigger apartment.”

Permanent tag-

@kitkatkl

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Some Loki tags.

@theoneanna @jewels2876 @devilbat @sarahivi

If I missed you just let me know or if wanted to be added as a tag

[mooosicaldreamz]

please do a song by song review of lover i beg u

oh......u didn’t have to beg!!!! i’ll give it to you 4 FREE.

I FORGOT THAT YOU EXISTED: what i enjoy about this song is that it is fun and not especially mean, just like, shrug emoji. i think sometimes when ur in a relationship that is not especially amazing and you reach the point where you forget that you dated someone is the funniest thing and its such a strange moment. it’s a good tonesetter for the album, bc its so fun and chill and like, whatever. it has the same energy that i think we are never getting back together wanted to have. i LOVE the “i just forget what they were” breakdown. what a fun, bouncy song. easy listening to start the album. calvin harris rip.

CRUEL SUMMER: i love jack antanoff vERY much and have liked his work with fun. and as bleachers, and i think his production on lorde and taylor’s albums has been so wonderful. this song just reeks of him and it’s so like, ascendent, how it builds up and up into the chorus. i think it’s interesting that she reaches so high on the chorus. “summer’s a knife/i’m always waiting for you to cut to the bone/devils roll the dice/angels roll their eyes.” the breakdown is once again wonderful abt crying in the back of the cab on the way back from the bar - i feel like this album and its concept brings a much more natural version of taylor that i think has largely (and perhaps rightfully, considering the evolution of her fame and craft) been in hiding since probably red but maybe even since speak now. “I LOVE YOU AIN’T THAT THE WORST THING YOU EVER HEARD // HE LOOKS SO PRETTY LIKE A DEVIL” while she’s screaming it is more exuberant than ANYTHING on 1989 or rep (and i love both of those albums). 

LOVER: i love how sleepy soft this song is, i love how simple it is, and it’s made me cry like, six times. the wedding band sound is just, so fun and beautiful. it really makes me feel like i’m drunk, happy, and dancing really slow on an emptying dancefloor. i’m going to assume that was the vibe. it’s so soft. god it feels like a cloud. i enjoy how simple the lyrics are in this song, and how the words get to breathe and simmer. they take on a lot of meaning bc of how much space they’re given by the echo and by pacing. it’s so nice. i’ve gone back and forth on whether i like the wedding vows thing, but i think it might be nice. i love “swear to be overdramatic AND TRUE! to my lover”

THE MAN: the bumpy sound of the bass beat is really fun, and i think the song is a good bop, but it doesn’t say anything i don’t already know - but i think taylor bringing up the back end on the Woke train, trying to reach all those people who still aren’t totally sure about the gays or feminism but also think trump is terrible and are now reconsidering their life choices is a fine enough goal for her social justice initiatives. also i just realized she says “getting bitches and models” which she already does, you don’t have to pretend taylor

THE ARCHER: this song is sonic perfection the rolling synths the dreamy voice, the awful awful breakdown at the end of “they see right thru me / can you see right thru me / i see right thru me” “help me hold onto you” i just ... can’t handle this song. it’s perfect. i like the implication throughout this album that taylor is in Love, the big real kind, and i support her and joe bc i think it’s obvious their relationship has totally like, taken her to a new and good emotional space. anyway i like the implication that taylor fell in real, big Love and realized that love is still a fucking mess, like it doesn’t solve all the problems. “ALL OF MY HEROES DIE ALL ALONE” i mean come on. i hate her

I THINK HE KNOWS: this song is a bop “i think he knows his hands around a cold glass make me wanna know that body like it’s mine” is a stn move. the rumbly noise in the chorus and the synthy breakdown is a beast, it owns itself. there’s a real comfortable self-confidence that i, once again, maintain has been missing from taylor’s music up until now. also that moaning noise distracts me every time. “hand on my thigh/we can follow the sparks/i’ll drive” tAYLOR! inappropriate. i’ve seen some takes on this song that it’s not a fave, but it’s a fun song and people are wrong. there’s not one song on this album that i’m like this is bad in the way that i DO NOT like some songs on rep

MISS AMERICANA AND THE HEARTBREAK PRINCE: the first thing i thought when i heard this song is that it sounds like lana del rey. give it a re-listen, it does. sounds just like idk, “high by the beach” but it also rings a bell for me of electra heart era marina and the diamonds (like “teen idle”). i like this song a lot, even though it’s relatively oblique in my opinion on what it’s.....actually about. “you play stupid games / you win stupid prizes” is a great lyric in masterful taylor swift fashion bc it looks stupid when u write it on paper. i like the shouting breakdown thing that happens on the back end of the song with go/fight/win (OH I JUST GOT that, it’s like cheerleaders shouting). i’m a fan of it, but it’s an oddball on the tracklist.

PAPER RINGS: this song rings with a lot of red’s chaotic energies but with the adult sensibilities that she’s rolling with on this album. i love the sort of down-home shouty stuff happening on the verses, and the “kiss me once / kiss me twice / three times” bridge. it’s a good one. “i hate accidents/except when we went from friends to this” is a fun and good lyric. i LOVE the key change i LOVE the “wrap your arms around me baby boy” for some reason very much. 

CORNELIA STREET: i mean obviously this song is wonderful. i’ve seen much Discourse about this song being related to Kaylor which seems plausible. it’s clear that taylor wrote some of these songs in the present tense when they’re in the past, which i think is really interesting. i LOVE “jacket ‘round my shoulder is yours” what a good inversion of the phrase. i love the way that the phrase cornelia street breaks up the lines in a really weird way, because of how its syllables run. it’s a good song. it’s a soft boi

DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS: early frontrunner for my fave song!!!!! love the opening repeating noise, and the simple guitar plucks initially. taylor’s voice takes up front and center bc it isn’t especially altered/layered/echoed like it is in some other spots on the album. it has an amazing rolling pace on its verses that’s followed by the slower pace on the chorus. “i ask the traffic lights if it’ll be okay and they say i don’t know” i am certain that this song is about karlie kloss and i will not accept any other possibilities i know she said it was about a movie but i don’t care. “my hips my heart my body my love / tryna find a part of me you didn’t touch” wow taylor god what a gifted lyricist i hate her

LONDON BOY: this song is fun. “i saw the dimples first / then i heard the accent” i love the rising effect on “walking on the afternoon” resetting with the horns. it’s just a song that makes you bob your head. she does sound like she’s throwing out as many english references as she possibly can which is amusing and i don’t know what the legs are on this song bc of that - it could come across as somewhat kitschy. but! also i’d like to start some discourse bc i think it’s CLEAR that taylor isn’t afraid of using pronouns or even very direct references to who she’s with (this song is basically an I LOVE JOE ALWYN shirt), and it makes it even more clear when she’s avoiding using pronouns or direct description. the two songs before this don’t do that in the same way that this song does. 1989 barely uses pronouns at all. i’m just saying. taylor is bi is what i’m saying.

SOON YOU’LL GET BETTER: obviously this song is sad and it makes me cry i have no further commentary except that it’s a wonderful, simple song that has an excessively odd placement on this album following after london boy

FALSE GOD: this song is sexy! and interesting. the horns come back again, which is good and her voice is lower. honestly the line “the altar is my hips” is just..........a lot for me to compute. “i’m golden when you touch me / hell is when i fight with you” the bridges are really fun, sexy, soft. this song is like when lover ends and a song with a little more of a sultry feel comes on but ur still drunk so its a little sloppy.

YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN: obviously this song ruined my life. it sent me to the heights of elation and then i sort of had a hangover on it but i’m back around on it guys! it’s a fun, fun, summery song. that chorus with the oh-oh is just .... pop perfection. the bumpy synth noise that goes ba-duh-duh-duh like it’s reverberating is absolutely perfect for the pacing of the song. it’s excessively well-crafted to the point of slickness. it should have been the lead single but what do i know about anything

AFTERGLOW: i know that i wasn’t supposed to be into i pinned your hands behind your back but i was so. this is a continuation of the theme of like, i’m in love but i’m still a mess!!! sorry :) i like this song but it does not inspire me. 

ME!: i don’t know why the exclamation point is there and it sounds much more like a brendon urie song than a taylor song, but it’s fun! i don’t hate it! i can see why it was picked as a lead single - to really illustrate the tonal change from rep to here, but still. spelling is fun, tho.

IT’S NICE TO HAVE A FRIEND: this song is simple and so, so so sweet. i love the childhood friends to lovers narrative, and i just. like it. so much. it’s so sweet. and then obviously the horns come back for this one, but don’t overwhelm. this song is a good palette cleanser after the bombast of me!

DAYLIGHT: i tweeted about this but this song reminds me of clean and long live (particularly long live, it for some reason really sounds like that in my head). but i like that it really relates a feeling that i feel sometimes of like, my life was a mess and sometimes still is a mess but bc i’m in a stable and good relationship, things feel approachable, like, if everything goes wrong again, i’ll at least know for sure i have this, and i think this song sort of shows that off with the  “I don’t want to think about anything else.” it’s nice. it’s calm. i read an oral history today about the kanye storming the stage moment at the vma’s because it’s been 10 years since it happened - and i feel like this album and this song, in many ways, are a plateau on the meteoric catapult of taylor’s relationship with fame that really had started to run before that moment but certainly started rolling after that. i think this song is a demonstration of the growth that she’s gone through over the last ten years that we’ve all watched with such close attention. it makes me feel happy for her. i hope she gets to keep this the way it is. i’ve read that she thought for the longest time that this album would be called daylight and i’m honestly? not sure it shouldn’t be. but the vocal note at the end sort of draws it back thru.

it’s a good album. i think the back half of it doesn’t hang as tough all the way thru as the first half, but overall, i think it’s overall quality is better than reputation even though i think reputation, as a concept album, works very well. it’s a great evolution and a real, authentic thing. very impressive that she’s managed to produce four very different albums successively where as many artists don’t change that much from album to album. but i think that’s evidence of the work that’s gone into them, to be honest. death by a thousand cuts is my early fave. 

[darkness-fall]

What are your thoughts on the Joker (in all his incarnations)?

Hi there @frostbite883, Now this is a very good question!

As everyone knows I’m a huge Joker fan. I love(almost) all of his incarnations, but a few of them hold a special place in my heart.

The very first Joker to appear alongside Batman issue one is the grandad of them all. He was a criminal genius. He manged to get Batman running around trying to stop his diabolical plan, all whilst sitting back in his comfy chair!! He was both sinister and funny at the same time. I’m so very glad Bob Cane didn’t go through with his original plan,killing Joker off in his very first story. The audience loved him..and so the Joker fan club started.

The next Joker I love was during the silver age of comics..namely the laughing Fish story. This was published just before the comics code became a thing. He could still be funny and murderous. I mean there you are working a boring job in the patent offices and in walks the Clown Prince of Crime himself. He wants to copy right a whole bunch of fish that has his face. If he got this he could go legit and he’d give up crime forever!! Well what would you do? I know I’d have given him what he wanted straight away, but no! This idiot just straight up refuses. Anyway a whole crazy story ensues with Batman trying to stop Joker from murdering the poor idiot clerk..It’s cool.

After this the Comics code was put into practice, and Joker had to become a goofy fun figure.Gone was the thrilling chases and murder most horrid. It’s also where Batman's rule of no killing came in. No guns or violence. We did benefit as this was when the batfamily started i.e Batwoman, Batgirl (all to stop the homoerotic overtones of Batman himself). So Joker had his teeth pulled. There were still some good stories such as Joker and the huge chickens or (giggles) how he had a “Boner” for Batman..that still cracks me up. Joker started to become a background character unfortunately.

Now this takes us to the 60′s...Batman came to the screens of millions!! Batman, Robin and all the Gotham Rouges stepped out of the pages and came to life. I have a great love for Caesar Romero's Joker. This was my first true introduction to him and at the tender age of 3..I fell in love with him. I was always excited every Saturday morning. I’d watch the reruns with my dad ..it was awesome. 

During the 70′s DC comics decided to give Joker his own comic run..unfortunately it wasn’t a success. As a result Joker faded away,,for a whole 10 years...no Joker!!

Then a miracle happened..In the 80′s the comics code was abandoned! Gotham started to become the city we’ve all come to love. They dusted off the old villains and gave them to legendary writers - Moore, Miller and Morris!! These three bought the Joker back to life. The darker stories came out..I recommend all of them!! 

Return of the Dark Knight by Miller..Jokers hella Gay woohoo..Batjokes was born. 

Morris Arkham Asylum:A serious house on serious ground..a weird and wonderful story. It dives into the psyche of all the villans including..cross dressing hyper sexual, super sane Joker and a very repressed Batman..

Morris RIP Batman and Joker..Just love the Duke of Death..he’s very sexy.

Last but not least my favourite obsession  Alan Moors The Killing Joke. I adore this Joker in particular!!

In 1989 we got the second big screen adaption of Batman (the first was in 1966 check it out is hilarious) Jack Nicholson played a decent Joker, but he wasn’t the first choice. The should have been David Bowie. they wanted to make Arkham Asylum.. Can you imagine that?

Then my era: the 90′s..Mark Hamill the longest running Joker..still going strong after 25 yrs!! Gotta love this Joker..plus thanks to Dini and Timm we now have sweet Harley Quinn. As a result of Hamill being Joker, whenever I read Joker in comics it’s always his voice I hear.

In 2008 we were given the gift of possibly the best version of the Joker of all time. The late Great Heath Ledger!! Never has the Joker been portrayed as a man who could exist in our world. Never has the Joker been more dangerous, bad and scary than he was in the Dark Knight. I will always love him the most and I wish we could have known him better. I still miss him RIP Heath Ledger. The first time a comic book movie received an oscar. 

Now were up to date and DCWB seems to have lost their minds. For the first time I can say..I’m not enamoured of this new Joker. He seems to be weak..I’m still waiting to see him in another movie, he honestly didn't get enough screen time. Saying that Leto just isn’t the right fit. He actually sounded like he was having an asthma attack when he laughed! He really needs to practice that..

Anyway to cut a long story short..Ooops too late..I love the Joker..Long may he reign as the King of Crime..

[imadmouhcine7]

Keith Flint death: Prodigy singer is known for 'Firestarter' dies aged 49

the prodigy singer Keith Flint has died elderly forty-nine. instantly recognizable via his fluorescent spiked hair and recognized for excessive-octane performances, flint sang lead vocals on both the band's primary singles, breathe and firestarter. he becomes determined dead at his home in Dunmow, Essex, on Monday morning. the band, who have been due to tour us in may additionally, confirmed his loss of life in a statement, remembering flint as an "actual pioneer, innovator and legend". in a submit at the prodigy's reliable Instagram account, bandmate Liam Howlett delivered: "I cannot consider I am pronouncing this however our brother Keith took his own lifestyles over the weekend. "I am shell-bowled over... indignant, harassed and heartbroken."

The Prodigy singer Keith Flint has died aged 49

It is with deepest shock and sadness that we can confirm the death of our brother and best friend Keith Flint. A true pioneer, innovator and legend. He will be forever missed. We thank you for respecting the privacy of all concerned at this time. pic.twitter.com/nQ3Ictjj7t

— The Prodigy (@the_prodigy) ٤ مارس ٢٠١٩

lovers and buddies flooded Twitter with tributes as news of the loss of life spread.

the chemical brothers' ed simons remembered him as "a tremendous man" who changed into "usually exquisite amusing to be round".

BBC Radio 2 DJ jo while defined flint as "an absolute sweetheart" and "iconic front guy". and dance duo chase & status said: "we wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Keith and the life-converting track they m

Oh gosh, so sad to hear about Keith Flint, he was always great fun to be around and very kind to Tom and I when we first started doing shows together..great man.

— ed simons (@eddychemical) ٤ مارس ٢٠١٩

Absolutely devastated to hear the tragic news that the legend Keith Flint from @the_prodigy has passed away. Our thoughts & condolences are with all his friends and family. We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Keith and the life changing music they made and championed. RIP 💔

— Chase & Status (@chaseandstatus) ٤ مارس ٢٠١٩

Oh this is sad news. The death of Keith Flint. Whenever our paths crossed he was an absolute sweetheart. Really lovely. Incredible iconic frontman with a soft centre. 😓#RIPKeithFlint

— Jo Whiley (@jowhiley) ٤ مارس ٢٠١٩

born Keith Charles flint on 17 September 1969, the singer had an unhappy childhood in Braintree, Essex, feuding with his dad and mom, who split when he became young.

a vivid boy with dyslexia, he changed into disruptive in magnificence, and become thrown out of school on the age of 15.

locating paintings as a roof repairer, he immersed himself within the acid house scene of the late 80s - meeting Howlett at an open-air rave in 1989.

inspired by Howlett's DJ abilities, he approached him and requested for a customized mixtape. howlett obliged, scoring the phrase "prodigy" on the quilt in connection with his preferred synthesizer and setting a variety of his original songs on the b-facet.

flint was so impressed that he advocated Howlett to pursue tune professionally, supplying up his offerings as a dancer.

"I cherished his song and, 'boom!' i was in," he informed the mag.

"I was by no means the brains behind the band - that changed into continually Liam. however together we had been a whole package deal. it becomes the opening I was seeking out."

finished by using Leeroy Thornhill, the prodigy scored early hits with everybody inside the region, out of space and Charly - which sampled the speak from an old kid's safety film: "always tell your mummy earlier than you burst off somewhere."

their song matured on their second album, song for the jilted era, which saw Howlett contain breakbeats, guitar loops and hip-hop samples on tracks together with no properly (start the dance) and voodoo humans.

the album turned into nominated for a mercury track prize - however, the band clearly went worldwide when flint grabbed the mic and unleashed the whole fury of his voice on the abrasive, in-your-face rave-rock anthem firestarter.

the lyrics - "I am the firestarter / twisted firestarter" - had been the primary he'd written for the band.

"it failed to without a doubt have anything to do with starting fires," he informed the BBC in 1996.

"it turned into when you're in front of five,000 human beings and you could exit there - and simply with the useful resource of the music and a visible performance, you could stir all them humans up into a frenzy and that is nearly like starting a big hearth, or a revolt."

firestarter's black-and-white video, presenting a headbanging flint in an abandoned tube station, turned into blacklisted by means of the BBC after it become shown on top of the pops and dad and mom complained it had fearful their children (a truncated model turned into shown finally).

in spite of that, it knocked take it really is how deep is your love off the top of the charts, in 1996, promoting more than 600,000 copies in the UK by my

spurred by using its success, the band's 0.33 album, fats of the land, went to number one in both the USA and UK, promoting several million copies worldwide.

flint stepped up as a frontman, giving the prodigy a focus for their life indicates - along with a terrific headline slot on the Glastonbury pageant in 1997.

festival organizer Emily Eavis was known as it a "large, unforgettable second" - paying tribute to flint on Twitter following his loss of life - and revealed that the prodigy had been booked for this 12 months' occasion.

drug hassle

following the success of fats of the land, the band faltered.

howlett disowned the unmarried child's got a mood, which blanketed a controversial lyric about the "date rape" drug Rohypnol, even as flint recorded a largely forgotten solo album, device #1, in 2003.

while ultimate part of the band, Flint did now not function on their 2004 album, constantly outnumbered, in no way outgunned, on which vocal responsibilities were dealt with by using Liam and Noel Gallagher and actress Juliette Lewis, amongst others.

all through this era, Flint stated he had had melancholy and shaped a stressful dependence on prescription drugs.

"I might line up rows of drugs and just take them and take them and I would lose music of how many till I surpassed out," he informed the times in 2009.

he determined to get clean after meeting jap DJ Mayumi Kai, giving up tablets, cigarettes, and alcohol around the time in their marriage, in 2006.

3 years later, the prodigy regrouped and again to their classic sound, at the album invaders must die.

the first unmarried, omen, was a first-rate achievement, and the band back to competition levels and stadiums around the sector.

their most current album, no travelers, went to number one final November.

flint turned into additionally an eager motorcyclist and had his very own crew - crew traction manage - which has gained 4 isles of man tt races.

he had currently wrapped up a tour with the prodigy in Australia and became due to be part of them inside us in may also.

in a declaration, Essex police said: "we had been called to worries for the welfare of a person at coping with in brook hill, north stop, just after 08:10 on Monday, four march.

"we attended and, unluckily, a 49-12 months-old man was suggested lifeless at the scene. his subsequent of the family had been knowledgeable.

"the dying isn't being handled as suspicious and a file could be organized for the c

I just heard, and I am heartbroken. Once the most innovative, fearless, ballsy bands to grace a stage and Keith was perfection up front. We have lost a Titan. 💔 #KeithFlint #Prodigy https://t.co/YJ8knnPi1V

— Beverley Knight (@Beverleyknight) ٤ مارس ٢٠١٩

There's no better pre-competition tunes than the #prodigy and nobody could deliver vocals like Keith Flint - truly unique. Music for the Jilted Generation is my favourite album, a masterpiece. This music will live forever.https://t.co/MrT4QVHzaQ

— Stephen Miller (@hailfabio) ٤ مارس ٢٠١٩

This is terrible news @THEPRODIGY the most truly exciting to watch since The Who. Condolences to family & friends of @KeithFlint so so sorry to hear xxx

— annie nightingale (@aanightingale) ٤ مارس ٢٠١٩

Absolutely gutted to hear about Keith Flint's passing. One of the greats. Best live show I ever saw. RIP.

— Frank Turner (@frankturner) ٤ مارس ٢٠١٩

We are so saddened to hear about the passing of Keith Flint. He’s played here so many times with the Prodigy and was booked for 2019. What an incredible frontman. Here’s a clip from ‘97 when they were the first dance band to headline Glastonbury - a huge, unforgettable moment. pic.twitter.com/9fxKBonfVa

— Emily Eavis (@emilyeavis) ٤ مارس ٢٠١٩

[thesinglesjukebox]

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK FT. SALT-N-PEPA, NAUGHTY BY NATURE, TIFFANY & DEBBIE GIBSON - 80S BABY

[3.62]

In which Generation X reclaims from the millennials their right to shameless nostalgia...

David Moore: She scattered clues around the house that methodically led both of us to screens on our birthdays, one screen on the first floor and another on the second, mine the endless scroll of Mario demonstrating the mechanics of his first platform adventure in a perfunctory loop, my sister's the boys on the muted VHS tape silently mouthing their songs with a desperate exuberance, the picture already fuzzy in the corners on our forbidding and ancient television, and we both swooned, me for mine and her for hers, neither screen permeating the other's world, at least not directly. With the slightest nudge, the images flood in, all from screens -- I forget other images, the faces that were never projected back to me -- while larger units of time dissolve. I can't tell you with any clarity whether our scavenger hunts happened at the same time, at the midpoint between our birthdays, or if they were separated by months or even years. I don't know whether they happened in 1988 or 1989 or 1990 or 1991, except I know it wasn't 1992, because Mom would have been dead then and time was different after that. There is something sacred and fragile about that period -- I was four, five, six, seven -- and then afterward the whole world stretched out and arranged itself, and childhood never congealed in memory the way that those four years did, and not just from being four or five or six or seven. My sister was two years older than me and the same thing happened to her. It was the end of the first part of our lives, and we didn't get to choose when to settle for living in the sequel. I wouldn't experience anything like that blur, its magic and madness and incoherence, until my sons were born -- two, three, four, five years old, and then you resurface and time relaxes and pulls itself together again. The boys from the video are now desperately exuberant men, back to pierce the cocoon of my memories, those four years that in popular reimagining are also ten years, that are the '80s and the '90s and occasionally the early 00's, too. The attempt misses with clumsy gestures that scream their inauthenticity, as so many crass parasites on our nostalgia do, though not all. At the same time, I also find that even the faintest cue in an unexpected corner -- in this case, those low canted-angle shots in the music video that pick up the glint of the stage lights -- can rip through the scar tissue of time and transport me back into those little tunnels we ran through to find the treasures Mom hid for us, which is where I was myself hiding until I snapped out of it with a sudden need to know if it was Debbie Gibson or Tiffany who now sounds a bit like Kesha. (It was Tiffany, obviously.) [4]

Tim de Reuse: Is this a heartfelt homage to the cheesy sounds of the Reagan era or a cynical parody that throws out a bunch of easily recognizable sound design tropes in hopes that comedy can be measured in references per minute? I don't know. I don't think anyone involved in making this track knew either. [2]

Alfred Soto: Crushed that this wasn't a mixed-up cover of K.T. Oslin's classic, I understood anyway that this isn't meant for us -- it's meant for the thousands of fans who book passage on NKOTB's cruise. But this syncopated Frankenstein does better than expected, and the top line former stars acquit themselves with enthusiasm if not quite inspiration. I wish I could say Joey McIntyre sang as good as he looks now, and someone must remind NBN that while "O.P.P." is Poppy Bush Interzone, "Hip Hop Hooray" is not. [5]

Jessica Doyle: I was a certified preteen in 1989-90 (it was not "tween" back then) and have the remembered overidentification with Mary Anne Spier and encyclopedic knowledge of the Duke University men's basketball team to prove it. So. First: Cheryl James sounds just as great as she did; Tiffany sounds better than she did; Joey McIntyre is approximately 5,000 times more attractive than he was circa "Please Don't Go Girl," a miracle none of us deserved; and I'm glad Naughty By Nature was willing to tag along but question the absence of Digital Underground, Biz Markie, and Sir Mix-a-Lot. (One of them, surely, could have provided a more on-brand base than "The Message," which was before our apparently-eagerly-remembered time.) But it's nostalgia. which is a strange force that warps and leaves distortions in its wake. (See, for example, our "1999" entry: 21 blurbs, 39 comments, zero mentions of Columbine.) I can understand it, a bit; I'm not fond of this whole growing-old thing either, and there's a certain defiant joy in the continuity. And maybe saying I'd rather stay 40 than go back to being 12 is just a marker of how good I've had it, and my unease is privilege talking. But it still feels to me that nostalgia is more dangerous than consoling. And potentially deliberately stupid: if you're going to celebrate music, celebrate it because the music itself was worth celebrating, not because it happened to be popular during a time that's now over. During a fit of old-school dancing silliness the other night in our kitchen, my husband and I queued up "Push It." As you youngs would say, it bangs. [2]

Will Adams: Even as someone who was neither alive nor even conceived in the '80s, the cynicism of this nostalgia summit is not lost on me. Legacy tours are one thing, but an entire recorded song that achieves even less than modern day remixes as far as recapturing ~how things used to be~ feels like a profound waste of time for everyone involved. [3]

Alex Clifton: I suspect I would like this more if I'd been born in the '80s or had listened to any of these artists growing up (this is the first NKOTB song I've ever been able to identify as such). But we got "2002" and "1999," so why not the '80s, especially since synths are still in vogue? Like a lot of '80s pop music, it's fun and a bit corny, but thankfully not Ed Sheeran-corny -- no "both of our lungs" here. [6]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: I admit the title is kind of clever, but everything else is a flattened hodgepodge of ideas and sounds from artists who are shamelessly trying to relive their glory days. I can't tell if I pity or admire them. [3]

Stephen Eisermann: A touch of gimmick, a hint of features, but mostly an excess of cheese. [4]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 13

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

--- "Studs":

*Personality matters little to these early 1990s bimbos on this dating game show

*They want a guy with a "wild side" (code for douchebag)

*One of their potential hunks is wearing dress shirt, tie, and shorts. 90s ensemble

*The women can't decide if the second hunk is a beefcake or a 6 foot tall bowling pin

*The guy in shorts is called a mix between John Wayne and a mime. John Wayne is nothing like a mime. Stoic, maybe. John Wayne would punch out a mime, if ever bothered by one.

*Shorts hunk dissed his date because he saw his hero Bobby Brown in an elevator

*Not much else to say about these bland dates between California girls and Midwest boys

close to 2 stars

----------------

--- Tori Amos on MTV's Loveline:

*After the bummer of hearing about Tori's abuse hotline, we have a Gen X'er call in tot alk about how his girlfriend accidentally ripped out his penis piercing and he's afraid to go to the doctor

*A guy, with his back to the camera while wearing an airbrush painted t-shirt that reads: "Boo Hoo!", has a problem with his girlfriend not wanting to look at him during oral sex. I can't see his face, but I don't even want to look at him, period.

*A guy, w/ a butt-cut hairstyle and a flannel shirt, is down cause his first love "dogged" him and broke his heart after taking his cherry. Now, he can't score with new chicks.

*Tori calls him a pussy. Not really, but, basically.

*We get a pierced nipples question via 90s internet video live feed

*A guy calls in with a weird obsession about bear feet. Oh, bare feet. Well, that's not too weird. Many weirdos have that.

*Tori thinks he should work at a shoe shop. It didn't work for Al Bundy. He hates women and their feet.

*Talk about how having kids is a cockblock to getting dates

*The set for LoveLine is very 90s with a coffee shop lounge feel and couches along with a big screen that's multiple screens attached together.

*Tori doesn't want her lover thinking about the girls on "Friends" while she's making love to them.

*Tori reminds me of a psycho chick who'd try to sacrifice a dove, for some weird symbolic reason, while she was in the throes of passion.

*A girl had two affairs. One of them with an "indivijiBILL" (what it sounded like she said). Now she don't know who da baby daddy. Call Maury, in a few years, he do dem dna baby daddy tests.

*LoveLine has a cappuccino bar on the set. It's for people who are ashamed of looking at another person when talking about sex. A sort of hipster confession booth.

*One guy is nervous about his girlfriend dressing up like Wonder Woman during sex

2 stars

----------------------

--- TV CARNAGE:

*Great Acting Is Great Acting, Especially With Titties: Do you wanna see my horribly disfigured chest or not?* 2 stars

*How To Commit Social Suicide: "Be expressive and let it rip." Air piano. Not flatulence.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

*Microwave Brain: Hasselhoff stresses over poodle poo.* 1 star

*Mighty Fine Man: It's a lust thang.* close to 2 stars

*Shoplifting Is Fun!: Johnny 5's cousin robot is a hood.* close to 2 1/2 stars

---------------

"Dance Party USA, 1980s NEW WAVE DANCING AND HAIR!" *In the 80s, cool kids did weird things like wear their shoes on their hands.*         2 1/2 stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Boy vs. Gasoline Volcano *The re-enactments on Rescue 911 & Unsolved Mysteries are perfect time capsules for thelate 1980s & early 1990s.* 2 1/2 stars

A Haunting: Phantom Room *"Instead of holy water, highly flammable liquid is used, and if it ignites, it's a sign that a spirit is present." Gee, I wonder if it will ignite... A junkie overdose is angry and needs to be evicted from a suburban garage. Destination America is supposed to be a postcard network for American life, I'm thinking. America, where ordinary life happenings can psych a family out so much their lives begin falling apart and they blame the results on the supernatural.* 2 stars

USA Saturday Nightmares: The Dummy (1982) *Ventriloquist dolls are creepy, but it's hard to consider them actually scary. That is unless they're sliding butcher knives underneath the bedroom door. This comes from an era of really good & inventive horror shorts.*                         between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: episode 2 (1985) *Surgeons remove two toes, from the feet of a Chinese man, fitting them as a makeshift pincer in place of a missing hand. Believe that.* 2 1/2 stars

"Wild Man of Navidad" (2007) *No country for old bigfoot. Some might see the wild man itself as undercooked, but the greasy hicksploitation sticks to the ribs better'n chicken fried steak & gravy.* close to 3 stars

X Files: Roland *From beyond a cryo-frozen genius controls his autistic twin to complete his groundbreaking scientific work.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Politically Correct Portraits: or "wrong side first" photos.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Bank Customers - Take A Running Jump: "If they told you to jump off a bridge" they being Bank of America and you being British or George Reeves Superman* 1 1/2 stars

*Pauly Shore Screws Up Another Vacation: MTV's The Weasel turns a pleasure cruise into a slave-ship passage for Laura Winslow & the mom from Family Matters.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Radio Shack Prayer Is Evil: For a decade or more it's been against their religion to have any customers and they also have a do not resuscitate order upon going out of business.* 2 1/2 stars

*Yard Sale Competitor: it's a cut throat business using a $5 "as is" weed-whacker.* 3 stars

---------------

--- USA Cartoon Express, Revisited:

*The Real Ghostbusters - Citizen Ghost: I forgot that the voice of Peter Venkman, on Ghostbusters, is likely the voice of Garfield on his cartoon. Which is funny because the live action characters are voiced by the same guy, too, as we all know.

*Commercial for Crocodile Mile slip n' slide.

*Old foggies stink in an Andy Warhold art style BubbleTape commercial. Those were great.

*In a cyberpunk future tween boys battle it out with a b.b. ammo board game shooter called "Crossfire." I remember plenty of show & tell days where Crossfire was the shit.

*I like the little march the Ghostbusters do during their ticker tape parade

*Kids can't cut loose in the supermarket or the museum, but they can in this Discovery Zone kids play park commercial. Soulless corporate slime-pit, McDonald's has replaced most of these. Now, miserable single moms take their poor brats there and change their dirty diapers on the same tables kids eat their McNuggets on. Fuck society and industry.

*Get a Bart Simpson squeek toy at Burger King

*Rappin' Lego-Maniac ad

*Mouse Trap, from Milton Bradley, where a cartoon alley cat shows up to present kids with one of the most contraption filled board games ever

*An awesome ad where Jesse the body Ventura sells WWF action figures. I wish grown men were still allowed to play with action figures

*Cadillacs & Dinosaurs - Rogue: I forgot about this well animated show with some adult sensibilities that also combines two really cool things. those being the title of the show.

*Cartoon Express where Mr. T. hangs out with the Grape Ape and Pac Man

*"Your gym teacher irons his underwear" adults are weird, chew BubbleTape

*Garfield fruit snacks. You could sell anything with a cartoon spokesman and kids who pitch a fit to their parents in the grocery store if they can't have it, once they see it.

*Shout & Shoot 2 water gun helmet. Voice activated water fights. I'm sure it didn't tear up after the first day. Water and electronics go together so well... I remember when having water fights, in the backyard, seemed so important that toy companies had to keep up with the arms race we kids were racing towards.

*Barney has built a fake time machine from the year 2000 and almost tricks Fred out of his Coco Pebbles. I preferred Fruity.

*One thing missing from watching these cartoons is a bowl of Fruity Pebbles, Lucky Charms, or Cap'n Crunch beside me on the living room floor.

*Marvel's X-Men, for the Sega Genesis, "Welcome to the Next Level."

*If kids ruled the world they'd play b'ball like Michael Jordan, their big brothers would suck up to them, they'd get a billion dollars & have a sports agent, and they'd always eat at McDonalds. "Duh!"

*"In A Minute" USA Network 1989 presents kids trying out tongue twisters like "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear..." I'm unlocking weird memories of things that I had forgotten like this cute little animated station break from USA that's somewhere in the long lost toy chest recess of my sad adult brain.

*Teenage Mutant Turtles - Enter the Rat King: If April O'Neil were real she would try to further her news career by exposing the Turtles to the world.

*Take a chill pill or stick anchioves in your ears, kids, instead of doing drugs. Partnership for a Drug Free America and stick figure drawn kids.

*2XL battery operated, cassette controlled "intelligent" 80s style robot from Tiger toy electronics. He makes Teddy Rupskin look like Neil Degrasse Tyson (whatever his name is)

*A kid with a bald spot and a beard is tired of stuffy adult dining places and demands to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese

*Dance Party USA, the weekday dance party on "America's favorite network, USA."

*The Dark Knight collection. A kid has every Batman gadget a kid could ask for and his own personal Batcave. I would have killed to have my own personal Batcave when I was 8

*"Tetris & batteries included" Gameboy. Cool teens hanging out in shop class, on the basketball court, everwhere playing their handheld Nintendo "Power to go."

*Captain N, The Game Master - Metroid Sweet Metroid: N, The Game Master is a character from Nintendo's past that they'd like to forget and not celebrate. Same with Lou Albano's version of Mario and the more goofy, talking version of Link from cartoons & CDi games.

*King Hippo's nipples, Eggplant's head, and Mother Brain's lips are all very obscene looking.

*Beetlejuice action figures. Those were some of the better, more weird toys.

*Call a 1 800 number to get a 60 minute vhs tape of Bigfoot monster truck action.

*Crest "Sparklemania" obviously is putting drugs in the toothpaste, because kids are freaking out and taking magical trips through the night sky with animated globs of Crest gel.

*'Milk does a body good' ad. You know the one where the kid grows up to be buff because he or she drank milk. I wonder if they show similar ones to young cows. "Yo, I'm a calf and I'm taking govt. provided hormones so that I can grow up to be a great-big dairy cow!" That was sort of a lame joke. Almost Carlos Mencia bad.

*The Cartoon Express travels away off into the distance to Bruce Springsteen's house. No, kidding. They kept mentioning that that's where it was heading.

3 stars for the Saturday Morning cartoons, 3 stars for the retro ads, and 3 stars for USA network's Cartoon Express bumpers

-----------------------------

The Greatest American Hero: Fire Man *Everyone's favorite marinara, on the show, Michael Pare, gets put put on a hot stove for a bum wrap. The main thing that doesn't hold up, about this episode, is the very dated fire special fx.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Arizona *Painted desert highways with a pistol & a singing Billy bass GPS by Gerhard's side.* 2 stars

--- Commander USA's Groovie Movies: Man with the Synthetic Brain

*From beneath a shopping mall in New Jersey, Commander USA. HA! Great location for a hero lair in the 1980s.

*The commander comes out in a trench coat, with his costume underneath. I like it. It's a sleazy way for a hero to dress. He's always smoking a cigar, too. Nice man's man touch.

*He's talking about those hopeful, yet melancholy days after the New Year is rung in. He explains how Auld Lang Syne means 'old long since' in Irish or old English.

*After the commander uses his kazoo to open up the psychotronic movie screen, we get to our flick

*This one stars an old school horror icon, John Carradine, & a Mickey Mouse Club teen from Swiss Family Robinson

*And the groovie movie is photographed in "Chill-O-Rama"

*I know the movie will ultimately be supbar, but I still get good feelings & goose pimple giddy, with nostalgia, watching these old basic cable & UHF B movie features

*A zombie(?) chokes out a hooker(?) & her pusher(?) in an alley. Her death face was so overacted & funny to look at.

*Mickey Mouse Club guy is the detective on the case of the zombie murders. He has gotten worse, actually, as an actor since his days riding ostriches & fighting pirates on tropical islands in Swiss Family Robinson.

*He's also a part of the Danny Bonaduche class of child actors who didn't age well. He looks like he's been through hell. This is the early to mid 70s & his Disney days were just in the 60s, maybe late 50s, I'm thinking. Wow.

*There's a cryptic letter & a head in a box (a killed detective's). I'm guessing this killer is a pre-cursor to the Zodiac & Kevin Spacey in SEVEN.

*"Get your hot roasted peanuts" as a candy striped apron wearing salesman proclaims on an early 20th century hazy memory of beach life on an eastern seaboard boardwalk in a Planters honey roasted peanuts ad.

*The coo coo bird builds a time machine to steal the kids CoCo Puffs. This is the second time machine related cereal theft by cartoon spokesman commercial that I've seen in 24 hrs

*Lee Press On Nails. In 18 colors. Don't nails just make life more difficult? Even if I were a crossdresser, I wouldn't wear nails.

*An 80s mallrat girl thinks her mom was wrong about her big earrings, but mom was right about something (nervous energy) StayFree Maxi Pads for those heavy flow days. Thanks, mom. Now, stop coming in to my room to stare at my Kip Winger poster. He's my man, bitch!

*"Exorcism at Midnight" on USA Saturday Nightmares (looks awesome) & ugly as a man Sandra Bernhardt on Alfred Hitchcock Presents (would still watch it).

*There's nothing to look forward to watching on Saturday night, anymore. Svengoolie, maybe, but he plays the same tame Universal horror & Hammer horror movies that we've all seen way too many times. His act is stale too, but he's likeable, I guess, if you're a babyboom viewer.

*Sophia Loren, her story, on the Nabisco family theater Sunday afternoon on USA. No thanks. I'd leave that to the early birds. I'd still be sleeping off my USA Saturday Nightmares.

*John Carradine is a doctor under suspicion because one patient that he was the coroner over, years earlier & called one of the first casualties of Vietnam, is up & walking around again, out there, killing. It's obvious that Carradine is a mad doctor, because he has a bubbling test tube, for odd unexplained reasons, but the detective hasn't seen enough low grade sci fi & horror to know this is an ominous sign.

*Why did action or fight scenes in the 60s/70s think that karate chops to the neck were believable knock out blows? It'd be more annoying than anything. Painful, sure, but not enough to put a man down. They just look so funny.

*Gloriously unselfaware Twix commercial with a street of kids breaking into a marching band parade over Twix. Much better than the Right Twix vs. Left Twix candy factory ads of today Too self aware like most modern ad companies. It makes the product even more unlikeable

*Square 80s ladies have a roundtable discussion about "So Fine" conditioning mist

*The effects designs, on the movie, are so low budget. The Frankenstein electric chair is made of chords attached to a silver construction worker's helmet.

*Commander USA pokes fun at the mad science hat contraption during his segment.

*Computer graphics medieval dystopia commercial ends with the freedom of the mind that is an exploding volcano & the Scientology best seller ‘Dianetics.’

*Shades wearing Bears QB, McMahon, thinks he's cool, but he's a crybaby when his hoagie doesn't have Miracle Whip mayo. A janitor hears his cries and throws a hail mary of mayo.

*Fergie, Letterman, Tom Cruise, Vanna White, Dr. Seuss, Whitney Houston, Michael Jackson wearing a Groucho Marx disguise. They're all the most interesting people of 1986 according to People Magazine. Such a more innocent time. Don't forget Crocodile Dundee, he was fascinating to 80s yuppies as well. Not a joke. He's also on the cover.

*The 80s had this hazy, maudlin, feel good vibe to even Dimetapp & Metamucil ads.

*Just a sleazy undead crook strangling slutty women in seedy hotels kinda Saturday afternoon movie for the kids, you know.

*Cheerios helps a white knight save a princess from a black knight in a musical ad. Uplifting. Cheerios ads are so depressing now & always about a middle age guy's health & cholesterol.

*Nothing says Mexican like white people singing about & eating Mexican Velveeta cheese.

*’Airwolf’ is high tech & kicks butt. this was already a popular rerun show here in the mid 80s.

*An overtanned blonde bimbo shows up from France saying she heard her father speak to her telepathically while she was in a voodoo sleep trance. Her father was John Carradine & he was just murdered by a zombie. She tells this to Mickey Mouse detective while he over-acts.

*Ah, there's another mad scientist who looks like a dimestore Vincent Price. I guess they couldn't get Vincent for the flick. He's the real villain.

*Commander USA noticed the bimbo & the zombie too.

*"It's hard to hide the kid inside." Talkin' 'bout Santa & his love for oreo cookies

*The honey nut Cheerios bee almost gets murdered by cowboy Black Bart. Just wait, Bee, soon with pesticides we'll make ye extinct.

*A kid pulls home a box of Tide detergent, for mom, through a picturesque 80s suburb. More of that 80s is just like the 50s, according to tv & advertising, theme of the 80s.

*70s thought that frantically playing a pipe organ & bongos meant great suspense music. It didn't & doesn't.

*Wacky 80s robots run on ENERGIZER "It Doo Run Run Run"

*This film can't make up its mind if it wants to be a detective tale, a zombie creeper, a serial killer slasher, a mad science flick, a voodoo or telepathy thriller, a heist / crime picture, or a hostages on the road movie.*

*Commander predicts, via crystal ball, that the Red Sox will almost win the 87 world series and that Vanna White will be nominated to the Supreme Court.

*Commander had his hand pal, Lefty, rammed down his tights during the most tense scene of the movie. A snowy chase through the mountains with killer in hot pursuit.

*Carefree panty liners for a fresher zebra striped bikini

*An aged Lorne Greene talks about Ron Reagan's cutbacks to medicare & how they're costing the sick & poor elderly thousands of dollars.

*Timelapse female zombie transformation with horrid makeup, but forgivable during the finale in the mad science lab.

*Her zombie voice is laughable & terrible. Why is she even talking? zombies don't talk, well, trioxin or Return of the Living Dead ones do, but whatever, Braiiiins... She doesn't say that, but I guess she had to act. Vanity, maybe. Idiotic script, more likely.

*We end with zombie lady crying & taking an antidote while zombie henchman dies licking goo off the floor. Mickey Mouse detective was too late to make any kind of difference.

*Commander USA closes things out by teasing Mickey Mouse cop about his poor acting.

close to 2 stars for the movie, close to 2 1/2 stars for the ads, & more than 2 1/2 stars for the commander

-------------------

Look Around You: Sport *Thank you for showing us your balls. Now try to get it in the hole.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Wheels of Fire *Crooked, corporate Bryan Cranston character. A revolutionary Tesla type battery with a deadly bidding war going on for it. A reclusive Howard Hughes industrialist/inventor. Long lost prototype Batmobile style car colored fire engine red. A creepy Albino hitman.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Manimal: Breath of the Dragon *Martial arts began by studying animals. Ancient man popped a National Geographic tape into his VCR to do so.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Robocop the series: Ghosts of War *A ragtag group of Universal Soldiers seek vengeance against an evil general who now works for O.C.P. They include a hobo wolfman, a black G.I. Joe (friend from Murphy's childhood), an Asian Joan of Arc, a Indian computer-wiz who dresses like Rick Moranis in Spaceballs. The show tries to force Punky Brewster into scenes, again. She's annoying & unnecessary.* 2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Enhance Your Memory With Murderous Bloodlust: American Psycho Patrick Bateman has a poor poker face.* 3 stars

*Going For It!: Commies skateboard. So, like you want them to be more free than you, brah!? Didn't think so, dude.* close to 2 stars

*So You Moved To Paducah...: Only thing to do here is to visit the Quilters Society of America museum again & again & again.* 3 stars

*Rush Limbaugh Sure Is Funny: Comedy night at Jabba the Hutt's palace.* 1 star

*The Lil' Singing Demon Baby!: The spawn of Lucifer is a little boy version of Shirley Temple. Of course he would arrive on earth in Branson, Missouri.*              3 stars

-------------------------

Cannon group presents America 3000 (1986) *The one thing Road Warrior needed was Wonder Years style narration. I think the members of No Ma'am (Al Bundy's woman hating group) saw this movie instead of Mad Max: Fury Road. That's why they were so upset. Much more reverse sexism here.* 3 thousand stars

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: Softball Hit *A little girl gets a head injury, has a seizure, then precious seconds tick away in the era before cell phones because I guess there were no payphones on this little league sports field. Youth sports injuries weren't taken as serious in this era either. It was the whole "Walk it off" time period. So maybe that's why 911 wasn't called sooner.* 2 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Death Of Strength: Guillotine of greatness, in a garage, captured on camcorder.* 1 star

*See The Macaroni: String theory or unsatisfactory service.* 2 stars

*The Ballad Of Tony Jones: "Mommy, what does doomed mean?" It means what happens when you destroy your white trash girlfriend's ceiling after sitting your fat ass in her sex swing.* 3 stars

*Piglet: You reap what you sow (noun).* close to 3 stars

*Just Do It Adult Diaper: Is that a swoosh on your bottom or do you need changing?* close to 2 stars

----------------------

--- MTV's Oddville (1997?)

*MTV had to Gen-x up Beyond Vaudeville, from its public access days, & put a pretty co-host with Frank to take the attention away from his weird, silent (often violent) sidekick.

*Nancy Giles is a nice lady, but not the most interesting guest. She's like PBS news hosts. Respectable, but not entertaining. She thinks talking about how weird the sidekick is & being a fan of Howard Stern will get her over. She does an imitation of a cat choking on a hairball. That's odd enough, I guess.

*Mr. Stanless Steel is a meathead who lifts 600lbs slightly off the ground using only one finger. Impressive, yet also idiotic.

*"Mind over matter," he says as he squeezes an unopen can to smithereens. Mind, remember, not steroids. He rocks about the floor trying to look intimidating & deep.

*Very confusing Levis jeans commercial. It starts off with a cowboy hat wearing Gen X hip dude driving the desert listening to yodeling from Mars Attacks & Slim Whitman. He stops at a local western watering hole where a hipster black dude is a turntables mixing dj. He passes him a stuffed dinosaur before the black dude gets on a greyhound leaving town. Bus stops in the big city, but a new girl gets off holding the dino. A European model looks at her as she walks on. The model is ordering a hotdog from a vendor. What any of that had to do with jeans, other than the close ups of asses, is beyond me.

*Self aware commercial whore Dennis Miller is on a fake talk show ad interviewing the cgi M&Ms. Miller lost all his Hollywood street cred when he started hangin’ out on Fox News. He doesn’t give a shit about being a shitlib so he lost his Hollywood friends.

*Epic cgi ad for the Playstation classic Final Fantasy 7.

*Phil Hartman isn't murdered yet in this college class lecture ad about collect calls.

*The clerk at Footlocker is having a hard time believing that Joe Namath is making an NFL comeback in a nike ad

*It's Virtual Insanity, the music video, when Chris Rock hosts the Video Music Awards

*I think it was the one where Puff Daddy teamed with Sting to make an annoying, overplayed song even worse.

*"The world's fastest painter" comes out & does a Bob Ross quickie while rambling in a Polish accent.

*A black guy in black & yellow stripes, including his Dr. Seuss Hat, comes out to pop & lock dance to Salt & Pepa's "Push It"

*Igia hair removal system ad where the device damages your skin cells, but it's cool 'cause no more chin whiskers for mom

*Technology... multimedia... CD-Rom software games... "You need Art Institute."

*Not Carl Winslow, but close, says "Open a box. Any box." Make it a Blockbuster Night

*"Talk to the hand." quote & hand motion from slumming it actor Timothy Dalton in a movie with Fran Drescher. The days where the general public had to endure her are long gone. Not counting easily avoided reruns of The Nanny

*On an snowy special ops mission (I'm sure those happen often) "Be all that you can be" (including maimed or killed) in the Army (after that, who knows? possibly a homeless vet)

*"What is Mtn. Dew?" from this ad, I take it has something to do with a green drink that makes you scream hysterically while performing idiotic x-treme sports

*A small woman, with a shaved head, comes out doing yoga to industrial techno. Followed by very late & nervous applause.

*A little girl comes out blowing up a balloon using only her nose.

*A generic alternative rock band, like the countless others on MTV at the time, comes out to perform. They don't hold a candle to any of the weird musical acts from the Beyond Vaudeville days.

*Guests are having a dance party. This show is as edgy, or as interesting for that matter, as Snick's "All That" of the same time period. Lame, as Gen-X would say.

*Well, MTV took a quirky public access show & stripped all the life out of it to make it another corporate product.

1 star for the Odd, 1 1/2 stars for most of the ads (thanks to M&M's & Miller), between 1 1/2 & 2 stars for the guests

----------------------

"The Summer of Rave 1989" BBC *In Margaret Thatcher's England, a new era of hippies & yuppies collide.*

3 stars

"Lost Purity" (video mixtape) *Adjust the tracking on your squeam.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Life Is For Living: Safety first or kiss leisure goodbye.* 3 stars

*Michael Finney's Spencer Gifts Speech: Hack comedy & gag novelty.* close to 3 stars

*Silent Partners - Shoplifting: If you see somebody walk into your store, become overly suspicious.* 2 1/2 stars

*VCR Games: Make haste & pray constantly that you don't have a Klingon overlord or be forced to endure Rich Little's awful family fun night comedy.* 3 stars

*Uh-Huh!: Either the Kenny Loggins or the Ray Stevens of polite Christian pop comedy & a fan of wearing tan leotards while juggling foam balls.* 3 stars

------------------------

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Accidental Hanging *Darwin Awards & wasting time dialing for help. Or hero boy with a hatchet.*

2 stars

A Haunting: Echoes of the Past *A New England family move into a historic Civil War era home. Soon they are bothered by faeries claiming to live in under a tree in the backyard who also claim to have died in a fire. The family are aided by a team of pretentious Wiccans in sending all the home's spirits to a magical place in the west called the "Summer Lands."* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Quebec, Canada *"Beaver fever, catch it." "Be patient." "My God, it's magnificent." (A platypus.)* 3 stars

Kingdom Hospital: Ep. 11 *Doctors without borders & tuned into a different frequency.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Hidden Memory *Espionage & clouded minds in a Nazi style experimentation lab. Followed by a Caesarean--section for a baby battleship. Farewell to a sweet-lipped deus ex machina (sorta deus...)* close to 3 stars

Forever Knight: False Witness *Sleazier than a white lie.* 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller - Bullshit!: Ghostbusters *Begin by having come to a conclusion that ghosts exists no matter what you find to prove different, soak the scene with sepia or nightvision, get out the pseudo scientific gear & have it activated with its nonsensical readings of supposed supernatural phenomena, & the bullshit has long since already began.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd on Black Friday *Great deals is gravy.* close to 3 stars

Classic Comedy Central: The Buttafuoco Song *I really really wish I never heard of...* either 1 star for Joey or 3 for Comedy Central

WCW Superstars on Politically Incorrect w/ Bill Maher (1999?) *A lot of aggression taken out in a discussion forum.* either 1 star or close to 2 stars

VH1 Classic Pop Up Video: Alanis Morissette - "You Learn" *The video took 23 hours to film in 10 degree weather. The video is 4 minutes long. Her hair (dreadlocks) took 5 hours to style. A number of jacket changes were used by Alanis in the video. The theme: who knows if any of us get any wiser during the average lifetime.* 2 1/2 stars w/ pop ups 2 stars w/out (I forgot how much I like her voice, pretty face & lyrics & easy to digest, for the most part, music. Mood & opinion on her music are subject to change. I have, in the past, wanted to poke my eyeballs & eardrums out when her "Ironic" video came on MTV for the 1000th time.)

Public Access TV: "Robin's Safe Sex Lesson - Dental Dam Use" *The setting is the height of the AIDS epidemic. Sexually active folk are still confused to the spread of disease & the practice of safe sex. A sex worker, possibly, has her ownlocal city tv show to inform them how to snip an ordinary condom into use for performing oral sex on a female so as to not spread infectious diseases. She almost is a trainwreck but not enough for any legit comedy, only curiosity.* 2 stars (3 for the info for the time)

"Sam Kinison - Family Entertainment Hour" *This might be comedy blasphemy, but Larry the Cable Guy is as popular as Sam Kinison was. Both have a similar rowdiness & offensiveness in the connect with their audience. Larry, however, has neither a spine nor a soul.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

Literal Videos: Air Supply - Making Love Out of Nothing at All *"I don't want to seem them naked." I don't want to hear their soft rock.* 2 1/2 stars literal or 1 star actual

---- SCTV - Midnight Special:

*An all white (never seen before) scat singing choir conducted by Eugene Levy To see them live in concert, "Phone your nearest Republican." HA!

*Rick Moranis impersonates a cranky David Brinkley editorial.

*David Thomas & Catherine O'Hara are phone commercial lawyers (& possibly married lawyers) not helping an arguing married couple out very much in their disputes.

*Rick Moranis impersonates a radio dj becoming a video vj in this transitional time period between radio music & video music outlets.

*Followed by a Talking Heads video "Once in a Lifetime"

*A very politically incorrect (when you still could be before the p.c. police) & somewhat funny live feed from a Japanese parody vj

*Followed by a cool music video by hip & quirky Japanese band The Plastics. So, that does in a way cancel out the casual racism.

*SCTV starts the tech war between Japan & the U.S. in a funny skit.

*The real enemy, however, is Russian t.v. and Good Day Moscow

*Exploitation a plenty in a fake ad for a late night pajama party t.v. show on SCTV

*John Candy is the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket wearing host of the all girl pajama party Complete with creepy guy climbing in the window using a ladder. ha

*Candy tries to explain the show is empowering to women, but a prudish sexologist hijacks the feed to talk about how it's sexist.

*John Candy is back again, this time as a sportsman in an ammo ad. He sports a beard & hunts ducks. Hmmm... He remains likeable while other bearded duckhunters that I won't mention still remain hateable. Much focus is put on the cleavage of his buxom buddy that he's hunting with. She's female.

*A punk dyke delivery chick brings pizza & starts a catfight which the sexologist reveals is more of Candy's libido problems.

*Thankfully, the "menopausal" femi-nazi is interrupted by a male chauvinist fan of the pajama party.

*It's bedtime & Candy has to toss the old geezer, kicking & screaming, out the window.

*Al's Garage "Anytime At All." He has a naughty pinup calendar & he smokes cigars.

*Feminists have protest signs outside SCTV's studio & chase Candy to his limo

*Poindexter, investigative reporter (played by Eugene Levy) gets up close & a little too personal exploring singles bars.

*Monster Chiller Horror Theater with a howling Count Floyd

*The featured flick is Bloodsucking Monkeys from West Mifland, Pennsylvania

*Wink, wink. There's no movie. But Count promises that it was scary & describes it. It's just as good as Alien, he claims.

*Great White North wants to talk about Nasa's tools & beer, ay.

*SCTV has Hitchcock presents in late night. So, they're like MeTV or AntennaTV on current cable.

*A parody of Kirk Douglas in "Lust for Life" in the SCTV vault classic "Lust for Paint"

*Catherine O'Hara shows off some sexy cleavage & gets offered to be painted nude as she plays a bar beauty of the 19th century. The mom from Home Alone was sexy back in the day.

*Fish Police. An early reality show that's just as absurd as the 90s hit COPS.

*France was filled with great artists in the 19th century & possibly they were all gay according to SCTV

*Harold Raimis cameo as a waiter.

*Rick Moranis sells ridiculous logos.

*John Candy is an angry Babe Ruth in the wrong time period. Candy lost out on the role to Goodman years later. Not really, but really.

*Candy does a decent Hitchcock impersonation as well. Also Curly Howard.

3 stars

------------------------

"Let's Paint TV's Last Cable Access Show" 2008 *A weirdo in a dirty & disheveled business suit runs a treadmill while horribly painting, taking live prank calls, & talking to a Swedish barmaid mixing things up in a blender.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- TV Carnage:

*I Hate My Kids: Brats are birth control. The only time Fox News will ever be pro choice.*  2 stars

*Lurking Danger: The fish land right in the boat & land you right in the hospital. Tonight, in our Lurking Danger special report. This is CNN.* 2 stars

*Making The Grade: Solve my equation, again, & I'll slit your throat.* 2 1/2 stars

*Phonebooth Funnys!: Coed improv in tight spaces. It's not what you think, you pervert.*  either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

*Reaching For The Light: Orgy of the first class.* 2 stars

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Mystery Science Theater 3000 - K19: Hangar 18 *Having NASA accidentally cause a UFO to crash, in the desert, is "the best thing since sliced computer" only it hurts the UFO denying crooked President's chances for re-election & they'll need a shady coverup.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars w/ riffing & 2 w/out

"Ten Forward Crank Calls" *"Brain cells are sucked into a blackhole" & four letter words fly into the phone lines for a chubby Star Trek fan's Trekkie talk show.* 1 star

Beavis & Butthead: Sausage - Riddles Are Abound Tonight *"The Seminiferous Tube-loidial Buttnoids have left my pants" or "turds can see in the dark, like bats."* 2 1/2 stars w/ riff 2 w/out

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Wes Craven's Deadly Friend (1986):

*Joe Bob says this flick is the Breakfast Club version of Bride of Frankenstein

*Drive-In Totals... 6 dead bodies... 7 gallons blood (some spurting w/ 3 bloody noses)... exploding head.. head disguised as basketball... exploding robot... father charbroiling..gratuitous brain surgery... incest fu...

*Joe Bob wants to get biblical w/ Krisy Swanson but thinks better of it because of Alan Thicke

*You know that you're in for a horror funride when the first on screen creature (robot) attack is against a sleazy redneck

*80s robots were great. This one even sees in Sega CD vision. All pixelated.

*In my opinion, this flick is also like Zapped meets Frankenhooker

*It's a wacky neighborhood when the old bat from Throw Mama from the Train is a shotgun wielding crazy lady living behind a locked fence.

*A robot's first reaction to seeing douchebags on dirtbikes is to vice grip their testicles. Can we unleash robots on Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory?

*The schmaltzy TNT voiceover for drama guy lays the sap on thick for TNT's big network premier for Gilbert Grape.

*Rockapella sing us a Folgers "Best part of wakin' up" mornin' tune. I can't drink the coffee for the vomit in my mouth.

*Snuggles, the fabric softener bear, is taking a stroll through a forest filled with cute animals. Real animals. Snuggles is a nightmare creature created out of industrial chemicals & soulless corporate greed. He's unnatural. An abomination of cuddliness.

*Joe Bob hates cute robots, Star Trek conventions, & Little House on the Prairie.

*The "Stand your ground" law triumphs again & the robot menace is toasted, for now.

*Quirky "life is ugly, you betcha" comedy approaching horror Fargo on TNT is sponsored by SEARS & no irony is seen in that. I don't think, by TNT or SEARS.

*Sprint commercial featuring Fall scenery. This episode of Monstervision is late 90s. The late 90s had a real Autumn vibe to a lot of things. Dawson's Creek, Scream & I Know What You Did Last Summer, Marcy Playground's Sex & Candy, Duncan Sheik, Eagle Eye Cherry, GooGoo Dolls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Charmed, "Sunny Came Home," "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone," Jewel, Barenaked Ladies, Halloween H20... All of 'em & many more

*Firefighters prefer Yukon sport utility vehicles & the Energizer Bunny outruns a Hummer filled with a reject A-Team. Absurdity & the beginning of America's obsession with big ass family tanks that would dominate the roads post-2000

*Hope Floats on VHS. Turds float too. & the turd that is Hope Floats on VHS is out there floating around at plenty of 50 something year old women yardsales across the the cowboy states of America

*"Mom's like you choose Jiff" & dad's like Bob Villa choose tools from SEARS. Don't not be how corporate America assumes you to be. Buy these creamy peanut dips & wrenches

*Burt Reynolds must have been buddies w/ Ted Turner. Ted sure had his movies played alot on TBS & TNT. Burt was popular. No doubt. Burt even had alot of generic made for TNT movies in the late 90s. I can understand the demand for Smoky & the Bandit & others, but not the made for TNT shit.

*Jack Palance in a western version of A Christmas Carol. Another made for TNT movie. & Lifetime + Hallmark have made me hate made for tv Christmas movies, but how could you not like the idea of a forgotten Jack Palance Christmas flick?

*The parents from Happy Days are slumming in a collect calls commercial.

*Paul Hogan was still an action comedy hero in the late 90s. Only he was doing it in Subaru ads. This one he's in disguise / drag wearing the mask of a woman. Unintentionally creepy.

*Essence of Emeril... Emeril Live... I'll never get the fascination w/ over the top food chefs & their tv shows.

*Grace Jones in an ad for TBS Superstation's 15 nights of Bond movies. I guess she was easy to get being a D-list celebrity & all after the 80s.

*Paul Reiser is in a bookstore explaining internet for new users / dummies using AT&T Worldnet. At least it's not an ad for America Online.

*Joe Bob says TNT censors won't allow exploding heads by basketball decapitation because idiots in Florida will try it & congress will go crazy.

*Hendrix has only one burning desire. Let him stand next to your Pontiac Sunfire. He doesn't really want to do that. He's dead, like Kristy Swanson, in this Monstervision movie. But in this soulless & artsy Pontiac commercial where yuppies are escaping a cityscape dystopia in their Sunfire, listening to Hendrix, he does.

*NFL moms of big, mean linebackers sure are funny. Thanks, Campbell's chunk soups ads for making me endure the meaty veggie soupy sacky mommy comedy.

*There's a "Bob Fest" in Colorado every year, where all Bobs in the world can attend. Bob Dole will be there. Bring your Pentax film camera.

*"Relax, Go Nuts" with Planters & a wacky beaver on a camping trip. I hope some idiot saw this & lost a finger or two trying to feed a Planters peanut to a beaver or a badger.

*"Rowdy" Roddy Piper is on the set of Burt's old guy cop action made for TNT tv movie. He's talking about the need for aspirin on the set, for the old guys, in this sneak peek.

*Joe Bob wants to know why Kristy Swanson is looking more supermodel than zombie

*The shoot first ask questions later cops put an end to cyborg/undead Kristy Swanson's reign of terror.

2 1/2 stars for the confused flick close to 3 for Joe Bob & between 1 1/2 & 2 for TNT & their ads

--------------------------

Classic Comedy Central: Penn Jillette promotes Earth Girls Are Easy *He makes it seem like it wouldn't be a waste of an afternoon.* close to 3 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Cyclone" 1987 *Everyone's favorite genre movie mad scientist, Jeffrey Combs (Re-Animator), was working on a super-motorcycle more high tech than an F-16 jet. When he's assassinated, on a punk rock dance floor, via a tech conspiracy, his 80s blonde bombshell girlfriend has to take over safeguarding the project from falling into the wrong hands. The whole thing drips with so much 80s goodness, one would swear it was a modern day homage.* close to 3 stars

Flaccid Ego Psychic Reading Call In Show *"This is not a bodega, honey." There's a correlation between how far someone's head is tilted back as they're talking & the amount of shit that they give. The further back, the less shit given.* either zero or 2 1/2 stars (for a second)

"Amok Assault Video" *"An open keyhole policy" to mass hypnosis & mass halitosis.* close to 3 stars

Rescue 911 w/ Shatner: Brave Dog vs. Rattlesnake *The dog, Lady, was a terrible actress during the re-enactments. She did well during the fight with the snake, but she broke character & smiled too much during the vet E.R. part .She needs to take acting lessons from Shatner.*

2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Self Helpless *There's a sucker "re-born" every minute.* 3 stars

Jake Byrd Goes Tea Bagging *"We're a little Tea Party, short & stout, when we get all steamed up hear us shout 'No more taxes, get the immigrant out!'"* 2 1/2 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Tenants From Hell - Striking Oil: Crude & deluded.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Carlito the Perverted Janitor - Bank Customers: Good loan agents love to kiss & tell.* 2 1/2 stars

*Home Security - Hidden Cameras: I don't want home security watching over me while I pee.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Homeowners Association - Naked People: Old, black couples don't have sex. Yeah, right.* 2 1/2 stars

---------------------

Goth Public Access Channel (youtube) *"It's no fun being dead. Enough has been said." So why the morbid fixation?*

1 star

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear: Jason Takes Manhattan & Fortress of Amerikkka

*Rhonda is in an S&M shop with a gimp.

*Louis Gossett Jr. is an Olympic coach in a USA original movie. He's not the first actor that I would think of for a role like that. But maybe he's the most badass.

*Painful rectal burning? Admit you have it & get Preparation H. Doctors' orders.

*Trading erotic voicemails with "Girls of Paradise" seems like a one way street. A horny moron calls in a 1 800 number to nervously drool over his love for T & A, the voice model makes only one recording for any & every guy who calls in.

*Go back in time to when you weren't old & too feeble to open the mayo jar. If you believe that & buy our pain relieving cream, we also have ocean front property in [insert cliche dry state here]

*Couch fishin for loose change to buy extra Pop Tarts. Not me, the guy in the Kellogg's ad

*Pacific Blue, USA networks lame bicycle beach cops show from the late 90s. They recognize how boring being a beach cop must be, so they spice it up with a special west coast loco gangbangers episode.

*Big Easy. A sleazy, but probably all too tame show about New Orleans on USA network. Can't think of original programming? Exploit a city's reputation.

*Rhonda has an oversized spiked dog collar put on a poindexter

*Win a Nintendo 64 block party (sounds like it could have been fun) via Kellogg's & Kmart

*A kid in a "No Fear" t-shirt visits his square dad's Rent-A-Center style store in an ad

*Don't talk to your kids about the dangers of sniffing to get high, & wind up feeding soup to your newly vegetable loved one. I always preferred that trippy drowning anti-sniffing ad from the same time period.

*"Had a hard day?" "Talk to some of the most exotic women in the world." the world = Tampa, Florida. Some of the most exotic = ordinary skanks.

*What does chomping into a Nestle's Crunch sound like? This ad swears it sounds like a pink Cadillac convertible, filled with lightbulbs, falling off of a tall building. I think Elvis just cried. Not sure which he cried for: the pink Cadillac or the candy bar.

*Private eye James Belushi is following around split personality Linda Blair who hired him to follow herself around. Looks sleazy & potentially good.

*Rhonda dons kinky boots, leather, & a gay man's biker's hat in a black & white moving photo hanging on the wall. Sounded like maybe Velvet Underground was playing in the background as well.

*It's okay to be like your mom. You're closer to 40 than 20 & it has a sickly brown colored candy coating. Oh, what am I talking about, you ask, it's Advil.

*If you ever see a whitebread goodlooking man or woman sitting on a New England beach or pier during a windy day, do not approach. They may look harmless, but they're usually filming an embarrassing human condition commercial.

*Diamond studded sex handcuffs. Nice. But why is Rhonda being so camera shy? Was she burntout with the show by this point, five or six years into its run.

*Bill Cosby's former tv wife, the one that he doesn't cheat on by serving PM cold medicine to ugly white women, is in an argument with her much better looking & non-raping actual husband about Pop-Secret popcorn.

*Cable in the classroom provides a parent's guide to the information superhighway that is cable tv

*"Someone out there knows what I'm going through." somewhere out there in psychic phone network mystery world that is

*Bonkers for Babies! & Animal Bloopers on Zoo Life Video. Jack Hanna (the animal guy from Carson, Leno, Letterman) believes that "Animals Do Feel Love." They also have a funny bone, and it's used for more than just Chinese medicine.

*Zipper crotches on leather lingerie wearing limbless & headless mannequins & more Rhonda voice-over work

*Archie Bunker's real life son died from drugs. Maybe he should have spent more time with him instead of arguing with Meathead.

*Rhonda finally makes an on camera appearance with poindexter in the adult video section of the sex shoppe

*"Virtual reality bites" have a Butterfinger Blast. Blood sugar induced hallucinations?

* 1 800 number for a TimeLife coffee table book on "how To fix" home remodeling & repairs. For only 3 easy payments of 9.99. Pretty steep if you think in 20tens terms & how easy it is to just go online & find the same info, but this is 1996 or 7, here, in the ad.

*Going back in time from 97 to 92, Rhonda is at the WBF World Fitness Expo doing a bit of cute jogging in place.

*Rhonda sings the theme song from Fortress of Amerikkka.

*Rhonda tells fat jokes about Roseanne. Roseanne probably hated Rhonda. Tom Arnold probably loved her.

*Rhonda flirts with a WBF bodybuilder / foreign accent guy whose thighs are bigger than Rhonda's waist

*Rhonda gets the bodybuilding champ to take off his shirt. He probably was having a panic attack just by wearing it anyway. Meatheads & shirts don't get along.

*Rhonda's hormones are out of whack here & the bodybuilders' steroid use as well.

*An Amazon chick shows up to tell how this fitness expo ain't no beauty pageant

*A mullet-haired meathead talks about bringing rock & roll fire into his bodybuilding expo routine. Thankfully, rock & roll died a long time before this. It's just corpse abuse.

*Rhonda tries to find out how much moolah an 80s-RickJames-pimp-looking black Hercules has won from the competition. He pulls out a check from his fanny pack. Fanny packs are very manly.

*World's Strongest Samoan pauses from picking up sedans to lift Rhonda up into the air by her butt

*Troma presents Fortress of Amerikkka!: In the cruel absurdity of Amerikkka, human life is worthless.

2 stars for the sex shoppe, 2 stars for the ads, 1 star for the body building expo, 2 1/2 stars for Rhonda, either 1 or close to 2 1/2 stars for Jason 8 (for the countless time on basic cable & mostly bloodless), & more than 2 1/2 stars for Amerikkka!

-----------------------

Troma presents "Lust For Freedom" *Troma tries their hand at the exploitation genre staple of women in a private prison hell. Highlights include a big mean looking Indian with a scarred face that drives around a black van across the desert & kidnaps women for the prison. He's like something out of a Jim Morrison song & he looks like the creepy brother of Bob from Twin Peaks. Another trashy fun part of the movie involves prison lady badasses in wrestling matches to the death. Plus there's an 80s hard rock soundtrack including the song "Rock You To Hell."* 3 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Sugartooth - Sold My Fortune *The boys mistake the word fortune for futon, and ponder why selling a futon would cause so many fights at the Sugartooth concert. Also, Beavis is intimidated by Urkel's size.* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 w/out

Kung Fu: Sun & Cloud Shadow *The path of peace is blocked by a mountain.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn: Place Of Dead Roads *The last stop before hell is a cafe, belonging to a cartel, serving plenty of coochie.* 2 1/2 stars

Public Access TV Gold - Don't You Want To Save Our Planet? *Fast Times Sean Penn look-a-like is for real about his love for his fellow parasite man. Vocal solo.* 3 stars

--- Dead Comics Society --- Commercial Breaks (1991):

*McHale's Navy every weeknight at 5 on the Comedy Channel. In color too. Antenna tv or MeTV shows this too, but in black & white.

*An ad for Billy Crystal's City Slickers. One of comedy's own was a blockbuster star still at this point.

*Coast bar soap ad where a "Thinking Man" bronze statue takes a refreshing bath in the rain.

*As seen on tv "No More Runs" panty hose w/ smart nylon. Run a nail file or a chainsaw right down the leg. Do not attempt while wearing, ladies

*Plenty of Stand Up comedy back in the day on comedy channels. Robin Williams, Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Poundstone, Howie Mandel, Carlin, pretty much all of the recognizable faces. And not just a weekend special like Comedy Central, these days. Stand up comedy was pretty much the face of the network.

*Jack Benny is creeped out by a kid wearing an ole timey clown mask. He's speechless, or once. Another show too old for current Comedy Central. One day Southpark will be on a TVLand type network & kids will get a weird feeling seeing how antique it looks. Much like seeing this clip of Jack Benny would make Comedy Central's current audience feel.

*KC Bold is like fireworks in one's mouth. It's important to always see the inventor of the baked beans or the bbq sauce or the George Foreman grill to know that the product / meal will be satisfactory. Did George actually invent that sidways waffle iron & grease trough?

*Devry with their 9 locations, in 1991, will teach you the tech knowledge that you need to succeed. Having a neatly trimmed little mustache is up to you.

*Ah, hah hah! The classic & unintentionally funny Suzanne Summers "Thigh Master" ad. She is so smiley while squeezing her crotch muscles. & just like the "Shake Weight," seeing a guy use it is just as amusingly awkward.

*Two Drink Minimum. A self aware title for another all stand up comedy show on the network. This one only has B to C list comics like 'The Amazing Jonathan"

*Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" w/ such guests as the eccentric Steven Wright. We're too post-modern for something like this now. Inside the comedy mind? How lame, turn it on Louis CK's FX show or bring up a FunnyOrDie video. Alan King's "Inside the Comedy Mind" is no Zack Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns." #hastag #hipster

*A middle America housewife is tired of having tried every diet from the "celebrity" to the "grapefruit." Her doctor finally puts her on some Medifast diet (we know it worked because obesity was cured & Medifast is currently the largest corporate brand of all time). She makes up for the weight loss by wearing oversized glasses & a lady business suit with shoulderpads larger than a NFL linebacker's.

*One of those classic scrolling certificate degrees from home ads. Learn everything from "gun repair" (only in America) or vcr repair (hopefully whoever took that is retired by now & not jobless).

*Short Attention Span Theater hosted by a very young Jon Stewart. This was before talking to cabinet secretaries & skewering political mishaps, for close to two decades, sucked all the life out of him.

*The very vintage Steve Allen Show weekdays on the Comedy Channel. Another show that deserves to still be on a classic channel somewhere. This clip had one of the first tv appearances of Elvis. How many viewers of current culture even care about or know whoElvis is, much less Steve Allen? Very few.

more than 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------

"V The Hot One" ---xxx--- (1977) *An example of how the fantasy in pornography is so different from reality: Valerie "V" asks her husband if he's ever been with a whore. (she's curious about whores) He says that he was with many when he was younger. (He then tells a digusting experience.) She's even more curious. (In reality the woman would be furious or detested with him.) Here, Valerie has spent a lifetime giving in to her whorish impulses.* 2 1/2(maybe classic)

"Tickle the Ivories w/ Janis Wolfe (Bad Public Access Show) *A very plain (& refreshingly un-self-aware) woman plays piano & reads psalms.* 1 star

"Topless Anti-Fashion" (DDTV San Francisco Public Access 1995) *A Lil' Kim look-a-like exposes painted nipples in what seems like a real life version of something Damon Wayans would parody on In Living Color.* 2 stars

Jake Byrd: Sara Palin Superfan (2008) *Bend over & grab your Arab ankles (Hussein Obama) or love Alaskan beaver (Palin Power).*  3 stars

Mr. Plinkett's Cop Dog Review *Put a dog on the cover of the dvd & dumb parents will rent it for their kids. Even though the dog commits suicide halfway in & becomes a ghost dog.* 0 for Cop Dog & 3 for Plinkett

"Best of The New Tom Green Show" (2003) *Short lived talk show that captured the same kind of crappy hip young adult audience NBC's Jimmy Fallon would a decade later. Also another attempt by MTV to tame & market a cult & avant garde artist (idiot?) to the American public (about as successful as his first MTV show in 1999 & his box office bomb of a movie "Freddy Got Fingered" 2001?).* 2 stars

Robin Williams - Improv with The Second City *Robin could improve any "hellhole."* close to 2 1/2 (would be more if it were recorded professionally instead of by an audience member, in the back row, with a cheap camcorder)

"Satarded Satanic Panic" (youtube) *Before she became a high priestess in the corporate church of the global economy, Oprah bought in to the goofy fearmongering going on in the Reagan years. Either a nutbag or a decoy evangelical pretending to be a reformed participant in a unbelievably ridiculous occult sacrifice story has Oprah taking his side over the more logical minded, yet still pretentious within his constitutional religious rights, devil-worshipper.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Alien Abductions & End of the World *These crazies are actual doctors & best selling authors. Meanwhile, I'm not prepping for doomsday & I have no repressed memories of being probed. On top of that, I'm flat broke & live off of a diet of mostly beans while hardly leaving my house. I'm not paranoid, just lazy & unmotivated. I'd rather not survive an apocalypse or fly away w/ little green men.* 3 stars

Weird Al Yankovic: Headline News *Tru Al TV presents World's Dumbest Musical (Criminals).* close to 3 stars

Uncharted Zone: Ken Manning - Gulf Breeze UFO *Lookin' for a lost shaker of Martian salt.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

5 Dollar Wrestling: Next 5 Dollar Wrestling Superstar, Jimmy the Snake Roberts *DDT stands for "drop dead twice."* close to 3 stars

Vh1 Classic Pop Up Video: Latoya Jackson - Heart Don't Lie *The black sheep of the Jacksons in a video all about puppy love.* close to 2 stars w/ pop ups & 1/2 a star w/out

"Pauly's Totally Buff Special" *MTV's "The Weasel" Pauly Shore butchers the English/Spanish/human language drooling the international language of love (lust) over California bimbos.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars (for an idiot time capsule)

"Alien Lust" ---xxx--- 1985 *"A story of bizarro desires!" Nothing too out of this world, except for maybe the corny cartoon alien penis monster sex scene finale.* close to 2 stars or mostly 1/2 a star

X Files: The Erlenmeyer Flask *The hybrids fall from Olympus. The finale of the "Deep Throat" story arc.*

3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Collection Completed *Grumpy bulldog M. Emmett Walsh begins his retirement by outcrazying his animal hoarding, eccentric wife when he uses taxidermy on all her beloved pets.* 3 stars

Harvey Keitel in "Corrupt" *"The public seek the police in order to be punished for their illicit desires." Johnny Rotten & Harvey make a cerebral odd couple.* close to 3 stars