#rip feyfey

[loonylooly]

funniest part in acomaf was feyre fighting for her life at dinner. girl was trudging through that food, she was chewing that shit like it came straight from the public bathroom floor, love that for her

"u too good for human food now?" "yes i am this tastes like hot wet ASS" is how that conversation shoulda gone, they rlly put my girl through it

[briaberri]

“I dragged a hand over my face before going to Elain and touching her too-bony shoulder. ‘Can I set you up in the garden? The herbs you planted are coming in nicely.’ ‘I can help her,’ said Azriel, stepping to the table as Elain silently rose. No shadows at his ear, no darkness ringing from his fingers as he extended a hand.”

I'm entirely pro Elain. But, before she was much featured in the text, I lived in the shadow camp. Full of questions, curious about details, intrigued by what was left unsaid, wondering about the quiet depths of a character born in the dark and held close to the chest.

Most the characters are on an arc of self-acceptance, self-worth, self-redemption. They're trauma-processing through the internalized lessons they've learned, that grind all of that into dust. They're trying to become heroes of their own stories. Az' captivated me with cues about the subtle subtext sensitivities in his character. He's not just looking for redemption, he's looking for an expression of his inner self that doesn't have an outlet in the world he lives in. One line sank him and his journey home in my heart: "I can help her." <3

Azriel is a character whose most noted trait is his reserve and restraint (until it's not). Why? A sense of unworthiness, shame about his lineage, complexity regarding the blood on his hands, wrapped in a desire to nurture and shield others. He's a character that says a lot of love with very few words. I imagine the seeds of revelation and release that start to bud -- ripping the flesh of their long germination and turning their reach their tendrils to the sun -- when he not only tells the room but realizes to himself that he can help her. Not, 'kill for her', not 'torture her enemies', not 'avenge her', not 'burn down cities to her feet'. He can fight for her though peace, through resonance, through shelter, through soft care, through patience and companionship, through simple domesticity (yes please!), through the absolute opposite of every tool he's typically got access to exercise. His shadows are gone because this is Azriel, shining.

Call back to the vulnerability hinted at when he states that he'll teach Feyfey to fly.

Call back to Feyre, noticing how relaxed and at peace Elriel are in the garden, but his attire is so at odds with the naturality of their companionship there.

I wonder what a release it is for his character to finally take that restrained, true self -- not the one he developed and honed to survive the world as the creature he is -- and pour it into well-being, into life -- for someone vulnerable. Azriel wants to take care of a person with tenderness, gentleness, to shelter space for a shared blossoming wholeness that isn't proven by the ability to spill blood, banter, and hold it's own. This tells me mountains about his character, and how he sees value in others. I think he needed what he pours into her, in those early disorienting days. I think Az sees a kindred spirit without the help of a warrior's body. He wants to be a warrior for her broken spirit. Her broken spirit doesn't need bloodshed. I don't know what's more loyal than when love is born of empathy.

I imagine how deeply it impacted him to realize that he could help Elain, and what kind of slow dam rupture of hope began to spill. He couldn't help Mor. He was too young to help his mother. He couldn't help Rhys. He couldn't help the sisters facing the Cauldron. He feels responsible. Azriel doesn't condescend Elain. He feels awed by the gift of a chance to help her.

I see the moment a very young child holds a newborn for the first time with all the sacred, instant sense of responsibility, desire to help, and recognition that adults have words for, but they may not.

I see those cutsie photos of fawns curled up with dogs and such.

Azriel wants Elain to to restore and thrive, knowing the chaos, violence, and overwhelm of their world and all it's powers. He recognizes that for once, he can be instrumental in care. and that is irresistible, not just because he cares for Elain, but because this lets him walk in his true self. To not restrain. That's not selfish... it's truthful. So, he steps forward on the cusp of exposure, full of the reverence and hope at the advent that he's free to release shields, and offers his hands. It has with all the tremulous hope of a childling waiting for that crack of light under the door of a dungeon to open to sunlight -- who realizes this time, he can open it.