#right person wrong time? fuck that these 2 were screaming divorce and then getting mad at suspected cheating

[ylvaisawolf]

O could be wrong but

Late night thoughts caused me to think on Slime and Mariana

They give me the vibes of those 18 year olds who immediately get married out of school

As they are adults now (also some kid is probably on the way or something)

Then they regret it so they separate and get back together in a cycle

One day they say fuck it and split (not divorce it is a hassle)

Then years down the line as they matured they decide to try again ♡♡

Then they fall back into old habits but with more love... probably

Also give the vibes of a couple that have been married for 50+ years

Idk how they do it

[ktheist]

hi :) how about vampire!tae + prompt list #2, angst, #16? ❤️❤️

16. “I know for a fact that you’re not ‘fine’.”

muses. vampire! yandere!taehyung x college student!reader ft childhood fuck buddy!jeongguk

warnings. implied smut, yandere!taehyung, mentions of adultery, alcohol, smoking.

x

you never had a sliver of chance with kim taehyung.

not because you’d wandered down the hallway in the middle of the night to get some water to quench your thirst and happened to hear the sounds from your parents’ slightly ajar bedroom door that had you running to the bathroom and hurl your guts out into the toilet bowl.

nor because, after the incident, you’d later found out the friend your mother’s been spending too much of the time with was the same man that made it to your parents’ bed.

but because kim taehyung was an unsatiable beast.

a monster hungry for the blood running through your veins.

“wh-what are you-” a finger slants over your mouth, a gentle yet threatening voice following suit.

“you don’t wanna wake your darling mother, do you?” you’ve taken to the darkness since a young age, you can’t see anything and nothing can see you - a little comforting trick your father once told you to ease that fear for monsters under your bed.

he was wrong.

because the monster who has his knee wedged between your legs and hand pinning down your wrists over your head - has eyes as red as blood and luminescent as the moon.

“i followed that woman because she’s always had this sweet scent to her,” the hymns that trickles out of his mouth almost made you believe that he was an angel, just a little bit misguided but still a beautiful, breathtaking angel.

“she tasted better than the rest but,” something sharp grazes down the delicate skin on your neck as his chilly breath sends shivers down your spine, “if it wasn’t for her, i wouldn’t have found you, my little hummingbird.”

x

“what do you mean you want a divorce?!”

the first sound of fist slamming against something hard comes not even a year later. you thought to tell your father but it turns out he already knows. it’s your mother that’s fiercely arguing to keep the marriage intact.

was it the night you saw them together? or did he know way before?

the image of two bodies melded against each other burns at the back of your mind. you can almost taste the bile coming up from the sudden but not surprising need to vomit.

“...hated you! you never have time for me anymore.” a pause hangs over the ceiling as you admire the cityscape, the lights don’t blink like smoldering fire eating away at your cigarette, “is it that new assistant of yours? she must be good, huh?”

“miyeon, are you nuts?! she’s 20 years younger than me!” your father sounds like he’s the one on the verge of losing his mind trying to explain things to your mother.

“whatever,” you breathe out through your mouth, the smoke disappearing into thin air, “i’m leaving next week anyway.”

“oh? you’re leaving? already? but you just got back from your break,” a familiar voice vibrates in your ears and makes your toes curl inward.

thankfully, they’re hidden underneath your blanket.

“it was a mistake to come back,” the amber ring hisses for the briefest moment when you drop the bud into the half-filled glass of water even though the ashtray’s a little stretch away from the glass, “though at this rate, i should start looking for an apartment to rent.”

“you can always come and live with me,” the bed dips where the monster takes his seat, the hand on your knee is as cold as ever.

“tae,” you whimper, feeling the heat creep up your neck and spreading over your face as the aforementioned man - no, taehyung is no man, he’s a monster - starts kissing down your inner thigh and pulling your leg over his shoulder.

“i’ll make you forget everything,” garnet eyes staring into you like a sure promise, all you have to do is-

“c-can you eat me out?” you look away, shame and embarrassment filling your chest.

the monster smiles yet you’ve never seen emptier eyes, “with pleasure.”

x

not long after you moved out for good, the divorce finally took place. the long winded battle ends with your mother getting the matrimonial apartment but your dad’s got a few other he can live in.

oh, and he gifted you one too just before he signed the papers along with a trust fund that could support you and your future family.

not that you’d ever be able to have one.

a normal one, that is.

“aren’t you smoking too much?” jeongguk’s finger trails down your spine, “have you been eating healthy?”

puckering your mouth, you breathe out the ring shaped smoke into the air, watching it gradually fade away.

“that’s too much question for someone who couldn’t care less about what i’m doing with my life,” you let out a dry laugh.

friends since childhood and fuck buddies since first year of college. taehyung came and go like the wind, so you needed another person to make you forget. jeongguk stepped into boxes-filled house and right into your unmade bed.

silence hangs over you like foreboding clouds.

maybe you shouldn’t have said anything.

nothing good came out of biting your tongue so you say whatever you want, did whatever-

“oh, you have a guest,” a familiar soothe of baritone rings in your ears as the chilling air licks your naked skin.

“tae, i didn’t know you were gonna drop by,” you say, even after all these years, your heart still skips a beat at the sight of those glowing red eyes.

the bed shifts as jeongguk slips out from under the covers, not quite caring that his pride and glory is out in display. well, guess he’s just that confident. muscular back and thick thighs, you would’ve made an onlyfans if you had a body like a greek god too.

the greek god didn’t even bother to button up his shirt when he turns to you, abs and all, and places a kiss on the top of your head, “i’ll see you in class tomorrow.”

you blink, watching him with befuddled thoughts as he winks before he walks out of the door.

taehyung’s sigh as the bed dips is what snaps you out of your trance, “so you got a new play thing.”

“take it off,” this time, you have an ashtray you keep underneath your bed and pick up whenever you smoke. so you put out the bud and slide the ashtray back to that spot just below where your pillow would be.

“such an impatient hummingbird,” he chuckles but his hands glides over the buttons of his shirt anyway, “how long have you been together?”

“we’re not together,” you take a sip of the water from the bottle you keep on your nightstand and wipe the stray droplet that trails down your chin with the back of your hand, “why does it matter anyway? you’re here for a fuck, aren’t you? then shut up,” his muscles flex under your touch as you yank him down in his mid-undressed state, the first few buttons of his shirt are undone, revealing a strong, tight chest, “and fuck me.”

his eyes glow like a diamond underneath chandeliers, brighter than the times you’ve gazed into them. fiercer than the fleeting moments where he’d look at you and only you.

instead of devouring you right then and there, his hand, calloused yet gentle, pushes your hair to the back of your ear. his thumb lingering on your bottom lip, “you... did you think i only came here to do that?”

it’s the way he says it - as if he’s thought of you as more than a human toy - that’s what brings out the sneer from your face, “what? are you playing the good guy now? i guess you should change it up every once in awhile, shouldn’t you? it gets boring being the same monster for centuries.”

for the briefest moment, he looks like he’s about to snap your neck in half - it wouldn’t be that hard, especially with his large hand. he could wrap it around your delicate throat and-

“humans really are weak creatures,” he sighs, arms bringing you down to his chest, hugging you to his body unusually warm body - or is it your body that’s too hot that his ice cold built feels touchable?

you want to push him away, scream that it’s because of him that you’re like this, that you had a whole life ahead of you if you didn’t love him like you do. but there’s something - a lump stuck in your throat, and for some reason, your face is wet with tears you can’t control.

x

funny how taehyung stays longer than he would with just a little tears. and to think you gave him all of you just to be held for a night by a monster and wake up to an empty bed the next day.

well, you did wake up to an empty bed that morning too but there’s a beep of the door and the sound of it clicking open and close a moment later before taehyung walked in with bags of takeouts that was too much for a human and vampire to finish.

said he didn’t know what you like so he went with a variety of choices from the times he remembered you mentioning the foods you’d enjoyed.

you only ate a small portion before excusing yourself for a smoke even though manners and etiquette had never been in your books when kim taehyung is involved.

“i know for a fact that you’re not ‘fine’,” his eyes bore into yours, brows furrowed and lips pressed into a straight, frustrated line.

so monsters can make that kind of face too.

“mom knew,” the words almost didn’t make it out but the look in his eyes was so very human - well, almost fooled you into believing. you cross your arms over your chest, running your palms up and down your arm as if to heat yourself up, “she knew the reason her lover suddenly left her was because of me - every time she looks at me, it’s like she’s seeing something insightful. after the divorce, she told me she didn’t want to see me anymore - that i wasn’t her daughter moving forward.”

“i didn’t think miyeon was that kind of person...” taehyung laughs, but the laugh sounds as dry as the ones you’ve been making, “i knew she was a wicked woman for having a lover-”

“but you still slept with her,” you interject, the room is so awfully cold, “you slept with a wife and a mother and discarded her for her daughter - so don’t you dare judge her, kim taehyung.”

you say yet you have no right to get mad at him. kim taehyung is a monster and he doesn’t pretend to be something else. but you?

oh, you knew he just got done fucking your mother when he slipped into your room and placed his hands where he shouldn’t. yet you still let him in, gave him a part of your heart even though he only wanted your body and blood.

and just as you’re about to give the last of piece of your beating heart, kim taehyung takes a step forward, reaches out his hand and gathers you in his arms.

you’re left gripping that last part of your heart to your chest as he cradles you like a baby. like a cub that barely knows how to hunt.

you end up going up to the rooftop. the fresh air helps you think clearer but in your haste to get away from the monster you’re homing, you’ve forgotten to grab the reason you stormed out here. so you’re left with nothing but a layer of shirt and a gust of wind blowing past until the sun sets.

x

“hey you,” jeongguk calls - you know it’s him because no one has the nerve to talk to you like that on campus, but you don’t stop. you keep walking, “you little- you’re planning to skip again, aren’t you?”

something wraps around your wrist and twirls your around to face a red as tomato jeongguk.

“chill, professor min doesn’t even care if people attend his classes or not,” you place the hand he’s not holding on your hip.

after you spent half a day on the rooftop, you came back to an empty apartment. it’s almost kim taehyung was never there. yet the were traces of washed containers drying on the dish rack from the takeouts, the bed that is usually unmade even sports a new set of sheets, your astray is cleaned and your laundry is gone (it returned in a form of a call from a drycleaning place).

“it’s not about him not caring,” he counters, forehead creasing, “it’s about you - you... i haven’t seen you since last week and the first thing you do after the first class of the day is skip the next?”

“yeah, okay, this twisted sense of righteousness is not for me,” you finally yank your hand out of his grasp, “you do you but don’t rope me into it - even if it’s good for me. sometimes people don’t wanna be saved, jeongguk.”

you thought he’d look at you with disappointment like your father does. the man would put up a poor excuse of a smile and pat your head but as soon as he turns away, he’d look like he was in his own world. like he didn’t just talk to his daughter not even a second ago.

“well,” jeongguk sighs, “if you’re gonna skip, at least take me with you.”

“what?” you blink, surprised.

“hold up, let me get my bag,” he announces, running back to where you both came from.

you debate on leaving him after a minute but he comes running from around the corner and looking relieved that you’re still there.

x

you went to the karaoke, had a few drinks, went for dinner and drank some more. for the first time in a long time, the hollowed part in your chest where your heart used to be until you gave it to a monster that didn’t deserve it - feels alive again.

“you know, i forgot what it’s like to hang out with friends,” you’re slurring but jeongguk must have understood.

“i can introduce you to some friends,” he offers.

“not those kinds of fake friends that approach you for money,” you grumble, groaning at the remembrance of the faces that smile at you and talks shit behind your back when they thought you were out of earshot.

“there’s those kinds of people too, huh?” jeongguk laughs as if he missed ‘those kinds of people’ now that he barely had time to get ripped off from them.

“well, i don’t want your money. i got my own.” he confesses a moment later with the cutest grin - as if the monstority of the world hadn’t touched him one bit.

“i know, that’s why i kept you around,” you take another sip of the alcohol, feeling it flow down your throat with more ease than the first time.

“that’s good enough,” he murmurs, glazed eyes staring at the tinted emerald bottle for a little too long before his meets your gaze, lips stuck in a boyish grin.

the rest, you can barely remember.

but all you know is you share a kiss - it’s sweet but sloppy but you feel your cheeks warming all the way home. you didn’t invite jeongguk back - you couldn’t bring yourself to wrap him around your little fingers like you’ve been doing. and he must have known of your wishes if he looked at you with such conflicted gaze.

x

the apartment is loomed with shadows from every angle, save for the walled window across the room where the cityscape twinkles, as if welcoming you back. you sigh, at least you’ve made a home out of this place.

“where have you been?” a cold voice rings in your ears.

the phone you’ve been holding crashes against the ground with a thud.

“no,” it laughs as dry as the hollowness in your chest, “i knew where you were - i could’ve found you if i looked...”

“back for some human pussy?” you ask monotonously, “it’s funny, you know, we can barely go for more than 3 rounds and our bones break easily so you have to hold back all the time. and yet weaklings like us must’ve given you a different sort of pleasure, huh?”

silence lapses in between you.

the glowing garnet eyes shouldn’t bother you as much yet you feel your body heating up as you undress in front of him yet he doesn’t come when you leave the bathroom door ajar.

your heart races at the thought of seeing an empty room when you step out of the door in your bathrobe and freshly washed body. and your heart skips a beat when those garnet eyes meet yours in your not so subtle attempt to find out whether he’s still there, on the one-person couch in the corner of the room.

to think you’ve got less than a scrape of heart left to give.

you huff, not quite sure why you’re suddenly mad. but you pull on your night gown and march to your bed. if he’s going to keep being a creature that lurks within the shadows and refuse to touch you- then you won’t beg for him to.

for the longest time, you keep your eyes close and count to a digit that you can’t remember where you stopped. but sleep doesn’t come easy. you want to turn to your other side but that’ll blow your cover - not that taehyung couldn’t figure out from the sound of your erratic heartbeat.

there’s no telling how long it goes on, with you not managing to grasp a single strand of peace and kim taehyung - you sense him - staying there, just looking at you.

but liberation comes to you with a dip of the bed and the cold breath against your neck.

“i couldn’t do it after all...” he sighs, “i tried to tell myself that i’ll only have you once in awhile when it gets really bad for me but i keep wanting more.”

the kiss on the nape of your neck tickles.

“if you try to run away, i’ll chain your ankles,” he whispers sweet words to your ears, “if you push me away, i’ll strap you to the bedpost.”

there’s no going back now - your heart’s beating too face in your chest. and after the gasp that you just let out when you feel your body twist to lay on your back, hands pinned over your head as your eyelids flutter open to gaze into garnet diamonds - there’s no sleeping your way and pretending you didn’t hear anything to get out of this.

“why- why now? you knew how i felt about you but you left anyway - you left over and over again even if you knew i wanted you to stay,” you glare.

“humans are fickle creatures,” he rests his forehead on yours, “i wanted you to forget about me but my powers don’t work with you... i can’t erase your memories,” he laughs that dry, hopeless laugh, “a part of me wanted you to remember me even when you’re married and surrounded by children of your own. another part of me didn’t want you to run after a monster like me.”

“you think that’s just gonna make up for everything? for the shit you put me through? for ruining my relationship with my parents? for making me unable to have a normal human relationship with anyone?” you grit your teeth, “think again, kim taehyung. i’ll never forgive you. not for as long as i’m alive.”

“that’s fine,” he releases your hand only to pin both of them down together in one grip, his free hand tracing down the side of your face until his thumb finds home on your lips, “i’ll prepare the softest mattress, i’ll enchant the chains so they won’t gnaw at your delicate skin, i’ll be with you every day of your life.”

his lips are cold but your body is warm enough. taehyung bites that skin he calls delicate and licks the blood dry. your nipples are sore from how much he’s ravaging you. the moans that slip out of your mouth are unrestrained. feral, even. as if you’re the beast and he’s the monster.

“tae... taehyung... taehyung...” you murmur his name like you know no other word.

then, when you’re spent and heaving for air, he gathers you in his arms and whispers how good you were.

how very docile you are.

“taehyung,” you murmur, too tired to even open your eyes but the hum he lets out is the softest you’ve heard, “i’ll never let you have my heart.”

for a moment, you think you hear him hold his breath. as if he didn’t expect you to push him even when you’re snuggling up to him as you say so.

you want to laugh, maybe you let out a smile before you fell into deep slumber.

x

“___! please, help me out! i’ll buy you lunch!” soyeon begs, if you look closer, you might even see a hint of tear in her eyes, “tutor me so i’ll be able to graduate on time, please.”

“i don’t know... i mean, i still remember that time when you stole my chips when i wasn’t looking...” you narrow your eyes at the girl.

you’re in your final year, on the verge of graduating and actually collectively fearing about repeating a semester.

“if it’s chips you want, i’ll buy the whole aisle for you!” she proclaims.

you grin, “deal.”

“i have a bad feeling about this,” mina murmurs, deadpanned.

your phone vibrates with a text from a ‘taetae’, “oh shit, i’m late.”

“hey, ___, will you share some with me?” jongyeon waves to get your attention.

you look back, barely registering what she said, “hm? yeah, sure!”

and because of that, you run straight into a stone hard chest. but before you can feel the impact of the ground, a hand wraps around your arm and pulls you right into the body you just bulldozed.

“you’re late,” garnet eyes bore into you like it’s going to eat you alive.

“i know, you didn’t have to turn up on campus,” you take a step back, “people will notice.”

“that’s not my concern,” taehyung’s brows knit together in frustration and you know why.

something about you not wanting people to know about the monster living with you and showing up to pick you up from class - irks him. no, it eats away at him like a parasite. an ugly little green thing.

after awhile, he lets go of the idea of chains and lets you walk out of that door everyday for classes, holding onto that strand of hope that you’ll walk back in every evening and touch him, give him the littlest amount of attention he doesn’t even deserve.

and when you’re late, he slips out of the window and shows up on campus. those strange looks people give you and him will never cease. but you’ve got more to life than worry about measly little rumors of you an a questionable but exceptionally attractive looking man that shows up to pick you up from time to time.

“i want a boyfriend too,” jongyeon sighs before he calls after taehyung, “hey mr. boyfriend, do you have any cute friends?”

the glare he gives her should be enough to scare a human to her death bed but jongyeon doesn’t seem to notice.

in a way, you’ve gathered quite a bunch that are more like you than you can imagine.

you wave at your friends - your real friends, shaking your head at the way jongyeon’s shooting suggestive looks before you’re completely out of sight for taehyung to wrap his arms around you and take you flying in mid air.

shadows still loom in the apartment. taehyung spends most of his days here - he doesn’t like the light so he never switches them on.

before your feet even lands on the wooden flooring, your pants are already pushed down to the ground. his hand is on your breast, kneading and grasping for your flesh as if he can’t believe you’d here. in his arms.

your heart still races but you made sure taehyung understood that it’s a biological reaction for the excitement that rushes through your body.

and he’s fine with that as he breaks your skin and licks the blood that pours out of the incision.

you want to laugh as you feel his erection twitch in your hand. he doesn’t even bother to hide how desperate he is for you. for your touch. for your attention.

he’s wrapped around your fingers.

and to think you never had a sliver of chance with kim taehyung.

x

note. this was a wild ride, wasn’t it?? welp, bet the person who requested this did not expect that lmaoooo sorry if this isn’t your cup of tea huehuehue

[babbushka]

Mind & Soul - Ch 7/10 (Part 2)

The story of how one man fell out of love and into it again

Charlie Barber x Reader

Tumblr masterlist for previous chapters // Available on AO3

5k; This one hurts me more than it hurts you i promise (but it does hurt)

                                                   ---------------

Each time I look at you is like the first time

Each time you're near me the thrill is new

And there is nothing that I wouldn't do for

The rare delight of the sight of you for

                                                        June

Time flies, another month passes, and another one. The heat of summer begins to set in, school is out for the summer. In previous years, Henry had gone away to a really nice summer camp, a place upstate where he stays and lives for eight weeks. Charlie doesn’t feel right doing that now, doesn’t feel right sending his kid away.

Henry hadn’t brought it up, so neither did Charlie, and as school came to an end, he and Henry spent more and more time together.

You had spent more and more time with them too.

The routine has gotten a little easier, now that he can just bring Henry along with him to work. Sometimes you come too, sometimes you don’t. You help revise his scripts, but sometimes you have your own things to work on and he respects that. He respects you, he loves you. You always cook them dinner now though, using that key to his house to let yourself in and surprise them with a hot meal, and fuck he loves you.

It’s strange, how things have shifted. The three of you eat dinners together and play board games and watch movies, you go to the park and Henry gets to pet dogs of nice neighbors walking by. Henry hangs out with the interns when they’re not running coffee at the theater, sometimes you and Charlie bring Henry to Coney Island and play boardwalk games and eat sno-cones and cotton candy.

Henry has friends that he spends time with, sleepovers with his buddies from school that give him a good chance to play with his pals. It gives Charlie a good chance to be intimate with you.

Out of everything else, the ability to have sex with you in his own home, in his own bed, is intoxicating. Charlie can’t remember the last time he had sex in his own bed, and isn’t that pathetic? If Henry is out of the house for the weekend, he doesn’t have to worry about anyone barging in, anyone overhearing.

Those weekends are precious, weekends where he can take you apart on his mouth, his fingers, his cock. You blow him in the kitchen and smile up at him with come on your chin and Charlie thinks, just thinks about how if he doesn’t hear from Nicole soon, he’ll go after her himself with divorce papers. He’ll make this thing final once and for all, he won’t be tied to her anymore, he’ll get to have you.

He’ll have you and Henry and maybe he’ll buy a new house to get rid of the memories of her, and you all can start fresh, a clean slate.

He talks about that sometimes, when you’re lying naked on his sweaty chest after he’s given you a mind-blowing orgasm and the heat of the summer begins to set in. He talks about a clean slate, moving forward, moving on.

Because that’s all he can do, isn’t it? Move on.

You spend the night sometimes, if you and Charlie stay up too late helping Henry with his summer reading assignments. He knows your house is right next door, he knows. But the bed upstairs is a shorter walk, and Henry hasn’t questioned it yet when he wakes up to you cooking blueberry pancakes. He looks forward to it, inf act.

There’s laughter in the house again, laughter which had been absent for so long.

Charlie is happy, and you are happy.

Henry is happy, it seems.

Things are good, it seems.

Until, of course, it isn’t.

 The more I see you, the more I want you

Somehow this feeling just grows and grows

With every sigh I become more mad about you

More lost without you and so it goes

 It’s a rare evening, one where you have work meetings of your own and you can’t be there to have dinner with Henry and Charlie. The weather earlier in the day was kind of shitty, a random summer rain that darkened the skies, and Charlie had gotten soaked leaving the theater with Henry because hadn’t brought an umbrella. His messenger bag got soaked too, wetting through important papers that he’s begging praying pleading will dry and not be too fucked up, too smudged.

They had arrived home wet and cold, in pretty poor spirits, and it seemed like it was just going to be one of those days. Everyone had those days every once in a while, didn’t they? Where you wanted to curl up in bed and just wake up to a fresh morning, fresh mood? Where too many little things just keep going wrong, and you don’t have enough energy to really confront any of it?

But he’s got Henry, and he can’t just ignore his responsibilities as a parent because he’s soaked to the bone, so after they each took a quick shower to warm up and changed into comfortable clothes, Charlie asked Henry to help him make a simple dinner before doing some reading.

On rare occasions where you didn’t join them for dinner, Charlie and Henry would cook together in the kitchen, Henry would help chop the vegetables and Charlie would sear some meat and it wouldn’t be fancy, but it would be okay because they made it together, and they’d talk talk talk about everything and nothing, and Henry would ask question after question that Charlie would try to answer.

This time though, Henry’s quiet as he chops the vegetables.

He’s quiet as he eats too.

In fact, he doesn’t even really eat his food that they made together. Not in the way where he doesn’t like it, but in that way where he doesn’t even want to bother, simply pushing broccoli around his plate lamely. Maybe Charlie’s too paranoid, maybe he’s pent up, maybe he’s frustrated and stressed out and angry and sad all at the same time, he doesn’t know.

But the sight of Henry pushing around that broccoli grates on his nerves, so he puts on his best patient voice, tries to figure out what’s wrong.

“Is everything okay? You barely touched your dinner.” He asks, cutting up his steak into smaller and smaller pieces so that he has something to do, so he isn’t just staring at his son waiting for an answer.

“I’m okay.” Henry replies with a shrug, and that worries Charlie.

“You know you can talk to me right? Is it school or – ”

“I said I’m okay.” Henry interrupts him a little more forcefully, and Charlie sits up straight, mildly shocked but not too surprised.

If Charlie was in a crappy mood, why was it so out of the box to think Henry might be too? Everyone needs space, he thinks, everyone needs time to decompress – even kids. Maybe especially kids.

Definitely especially Henry.

“Alright.” Charlie nods, trying to do the right thing, be the right parent. “If you’re not hungry, you can leave the plate here and I’ll put it in a Tupperware for later, you can go do your reading.”

“I’m not doing my reading.” Henry shakes his head, defiant.

“Henry come on, you know the only way to get better is to practice – ” Charlie tries, tries tries tries to be patient, tries as his fist clenches with frustration around his fork.

“There’s no point and I’m not doing it. You can’t make me.” Henry looks at him with such clipped stubbornness that he can almost see Nicole, and it freaks him out, makes his temper start to rise.

“Look I don’t know where this attitude is coming from honey but yes, actually I can. I’m the parent and you’re the child and that means if I ask you to go do your reading so you can spell better, then that means you listen, and you do it.” Charlie says, because even though he knows things are hard, he’s not a doormat, he’s still Henry’s dad at the end of the day.

But instead of backing down, Henry crosses his arms over his chest and sits back in his seat, brows furrowed.

“Or what?” He sneers, and Charlie is now personally offended, he sets the cutlery down and waves around his confusion with his hands.  

“What’s wrong with you tonight?” Charlie demands to know, “I’m trying to help you!”

“Well maybe I don’t want your help! Maybe I don’t care!” And now Henry is raising his voice, shouting, he’s standing up and bracing his hands on the table so hard that it makes the plates clink, makes water slosh over the rim of the glass Henry hasn’t had one sip from.

“Apologize, now.” Charlie says through grit teeth, because he really doesn’t need this right now. He doesn’t need this on top of everything else, not when things were finally starting to get good, not now.

But Henry doesn’t care just like he said he doesn’t, and Charlie has no idea where the fuck any of this is coming from – or maybe he does, he does and he’s trying not to think about it, trying to shove it so deep so that maybe this will all go away.

“No.” Henry says, and Charlie snaps, he snaps and he’s out of his chair at the dining table in an instant, his long legs moving him over to Henry.

He slams his napkin down against the table top, yanks Henry’s chair away from where his son is already standing so that he can get close enough to pick his son up and hoist him over his shoulder.

“That’s it – fine! Fine, you don’t want to eat dinner, you don’t want to do homework, fine!” Charlie yells, face red, heart pumping, at his fucking limit, snapped, having no clue what to do he’s never done this before Henry’s never been this rebellious before. He carries Henry through the house, struggles up the stairs. “You can sit in your room and stare at the wall then for all I care!”

“Put me down! Put me down!” Henry kicks and screams and punches his fists against Charlie’s back, and though he can’t do any real damage, not really, each hit is like a bullet to Charlie’s chest.

He’s too blind with anger though, the rush of the world around him as he storms through the house. Why why why, it’s all he can repeat in his head, as Henry kicks and screams and punches Charlie in the back as he sobs, red faced and snot nosed sobs sobs sob soaking into Charlie’s shirt.

“You’re going to act like a brat I’m going to treat you like one! You’re spoiled and rotten and the last thing I need to fucking deal with today, you know that?” Charlie wrenches open Henry’s bedroom door, stomps over to the bed and drops Henry on top of it, practically shaking with rage.

“I hate you!” Henry throws himself onto his pillow, shouts and screams and cries himself hoarse, his whole body flailing as he has nowhere to send the energy but out, “I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you!”

“Hate me all you want, I don’t give a shit!” Charlie shouts in his direction as he leaves the room, slams the bedroom door hard, so hard it shakes the walls and he’s got tears streaming down his cheeks that he doesn’t even notice until his vision gets so blurred that he smacks into the wall of the hallway.

“I want my mom! I want mommy!” Henry’s yelling is muffled now, the noise dampened by the wall that separates them, and the pillow he’s crying into, and the rain that drowns the noise out.

But the words are loud in Charlie’s ears, and they sting, they sting so fucking much and he wants to reach down his own throat and tear his heart out because what’s the point of having it when it’s broken?

“Yeah well, I’m all you’ve got!” Charlie hears himself shouting down the hall, loud enough so that he knows Henry can hear it, even though he knows Henry doesn’t care.

And then his feet carry him to his own bedroom, where he’s slamming his own door.

“God fucking dammit!” He sits on the edge of his bed and screams into a pillow of his own, “Fuck!”

What more was he supposed to do? What the fuck else was he supposed to do like this? Wasn’t he trying his best? Didn’t Henry see that? Didn’t he see how fucking hard he was working? Charlie thought – maybe he didn’t know what the fuck he thought. Maybe he was doing the same goddamned thing he always did, assuming everyone around him felt the same way he did.

He thought if they could all pretend like nothing was wrong, maybe nothing really was wrong. Maybe Nicole leaving like this was a blessing instead of a curse. Now he knows he was wrong, he’s wrong about so much shit lately, and it eats him up inside.

He’s angry then, furious, absolutely fucking livid and he stands up and throws the pillow as hard as he can against the wall. It hits a small lamp on the dresser and knocks it over, shatters into a thousand little pieces. He doesn’t care, he always hated that lamp. He doesn’t know why it’s even still there, doesn’t know why he’s left it there for so long, for three months.

He’s exhausted, he’s so fucking tired. He yells out in general anguish and pain again before curling up on the bed and sobbing so hard that he’s sure he’ll wake up with black eyes, blood vessels bursting behind his eyelids.

What was he doing wrong, what – how could he – why did he –

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

Charlie wraps his arms around his knees, hugs them to his chest as the words cut him so deep. Not even when Henry was a really little kid did he ever say anything like that. Summer storms rage on outside, and Charlie feels like the charade is crumbling apart.

Of course things weren’t okay, he was selfish for thinking they were. Selfish for thinking that Henry wouldn’t have an outburst like this eventually. If he calmed down enough, he might think about how strong Henry has to be, for this to be the first time he really freaks out about Nicole leaving them, leaving him.

The kid is eight, he’s eight. Charlie has to remember that, tries to hold onto that. He’s eight, he’s still so young, he’s never had to deal with the crushing reality of life yet. Charlie wants to be sick, that his own fucking mother did that, exposed the harsh cruelty of the unfairness of life to his son.

And he hates himself, for letting her.

  Can you imagine how much I love you?

The more I see you as years go by

I know the only one for me can only be you

My arms won't free you, my heart won't try

 You come home from a long day of meetings, pouring rain slamming against your car windshield. It’s so bizarre, this weather. It had put you in a sour mood, and you turn the car off when you pull up to the driveway, windshield wipers stopping. It’s sort of beautiful, the way the rain falls down the windows of your car, you think.

You look at Charlie’s house, the lights are all turned off. That’s strange, for this time of evening, normally you know your boys would be eating dinner right now. You sigh, feeling bad for having missed it, missed spending time with them. You’ve come so accustomed to it, to spending time with them over the course of the last couple months.

You hope that they’ve had a good dinner, and your stomach rumbles in its own right.

A long day of meetings that you hope will have successful outcomes behind you, you decide a big delicious dinner is the best way to cure this chill in your bones. Maybe you’ll text Charlie, see if he’s still awake, if maybe you could talk for a while together.

But all that flies out the window when you run to your front steps in the rain, when you see Henry sitting there, his knees drawn up and his head buried in his arms.

“Henry?” You immediately crouch, not caring about the rain, mind racing wondering if something happened to him, if something happened to Charlie. “What are you doing here are you alright?”

Henry just cries, and wraps his arms around your shoulders so tight that you almost knock over. You hold him and pick him up, try your best to navigate the last couple steps with this child in your arms as you unlock your front door, turn all your lights on.

“Henry, I need you to tell me what’s wrong.” You say as calmly as humanly possible, but Henry isn’t really very forthcoming.

“Can I spend the night here?” He asks around a hiccupped sob, rubbing at his red-rimmed eyes.

“Where’s your dad? Is your dad okay?” You’re nearly ready to call the police, to barge over into the house yourself.

“He’s…I don’t want to talk to him.” Henry sighs eventually, and so do you.

“Did you get into a fight?” You ask, and Henry nods, begins those cry-whines again, and you just hug him tight, hold him and rock him back and forth, speaking softly, calmly, “Okay, okay, here, let’s do this. Why don’t you go into the bathroom and get some towels and dry off, and I’ll make you some tea, and we’ll all calm down, okay?”

Henry nods, and does as he’s told.

You set the kettle to boil, not really sure of how Henry takes his tea, or if he drinks tea at all. But you have tea and lemon and honey, and you think this calls for two cubes of sugar, and you hope that after a sip or two, this child that you’ve come to care for will stop crying long enough to tell you what happened.

When Henry comes back, he’s wrapped a towel around his shoulders, and it helps even though he’s in his wet clothes. He’s even in his shoes, and there’s muddy footprints all over the floor, but you don’t care, you’ll clean them up later.

You offer him the tea, and he takes it, but he doesn’t say anything, not one word.

You sit with him on the couch, and all he wants is to be held, so you hold him, pet his hair gently as he stops crying, until he’s falling asleep.

The second that Henry’s head hits the pillow, you’re getting up and moving out of the room, pulling your phone out of your pocket and dialing his number, your heart pounding, worried he’ll be angry with you, or with the world in general.

“Charlie?” You whisper as soon as you hear the line pick up, “Honey I’m so sorry I -- Henry’s here.”

“What?” His voice is a little too loud with worry on the other line.  

“He’s asleep, on the couch. He ran over and wouldn’t tell me what’s wrong.” You explain in a hushed tone so you don’t wake him up and make Henry mad either.

“I’m coming, I’m on my way.” Charlie says, and you hang up.

You go outside to wait on the steps, not even bothering about the rain when you see him, when you see Charlie practically running from next door.

He looks broken, in the light from the streetlamps, and you wonder why it always has to happen on nights like this, why the bad news always waits for such dramatic weather. There’s never good timing for things like this, you know that, but still.

“Oh honey.” You open your arms to Charlie, and he squeaks out a sigh and scoops you up right there, right on the steps.

“We got into a fight.” Charlie’s voice is soft and sad, so sad, as he buries your face against his neck, wants to fit as close to your body as possible. “It was my fault, I was too tired and…he was acting out and I didn’t handle it the right way. He said he hated me.”

“I’m sorry.” Your heart breaks for him, gasping slightly at the words.

“I love you so much, I – I don’t know what the fuck I’d be doing if I didn’t have you, I don’t deserve you I’m sorry – ” Charlie is shaking around you, voice wobbling, cracking, and you’re crying because you hate to see them like this, it burns in your stomach, seeing them like this.

“Shh, hey. You’re alright. You’re both going to be alright. You have each other, and you have me when you need me. I’ll always be here.” You try to reassure him, try to find anything to say that might help, you try. “I love you so much, and I’m so sorry.”

Charlie bends down then, just enough to capture your lips in his. He kisses you, and you open your mouth for him, his tongue hot against yours, hot in the cold of the rain. You stand there, on the steps in the rain and kiss for what feels like an eternity, but neither of you move. You need this, he needs this, these kisses. They ground him, bring him back from a place of terror and free-fall.

“I…I better bring him home.” Charlie sighs against your lips, as his hands caress your cheeks, as he holds onto your face for dear life.

You nod, stepping away from him. He follows, stays in your space for a minute, before giving you a heartbreaking smile and nodding too.

He has one hand on the doorknob to go inside, but you put a hand on his shoulder to stop him for a moment.

“Charlie?” You whisper, your heart filled with so much worry and love and sadness for him.  

“Yeah?” Charlie swallows, looking terrified to go inside and face his son.

“He didn’t mean it.” You shake your head.

“Maybe he did.” Charlie looks so resigned that it hurts when he says, “I wouldn’t blame him.”

                                                    ----------------

Henry is fast asleep on your couch, just like you said he was. Charlie doesn’t know how the fuck he managed to leave the house and get over to you without him hearing. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the loudness of his own sobs that he just didn’t hear it.

But there Henry is, and Charlie scoops him up gently, carefully, tries not to disturb him too much. Charlie steals one more kiss, a chaste kiss, from you as he passes you by, as you wave goodnight to him, worried worried worried.

Charlie gets halfway up the stairs of his own house, when Henry rubs his face against his shoulder.

“Dad?” He hears Henry ask, confused and sad.

“Hi honey, go back to sleep it’s just me.” Charlie winces, hates that he can’t even do this right, can’t do anything right anymore, can he?

But Henry just holds onto him tighter, his arms hooking around Charlie’s neck and squeezing him tight.

“I’m sorry.” Henry says, and Charlie lets out a breath he didn’t know he was even holding.

“I know, I’m sorry too.” Charlie replies.

They get to Henry’s bedroom, and Charlie sets him down softly on the bed. He wants to say something, wants to tell Henry to change into warm clothes, but his son knows better than for Charlie to have to say it, so he doesn’t.

He’s about to go, when Henry sits up in bed and asks with the smallest voice Charlie’s ever heard, “Are you going to leave?”

Charlie sits on the edge of the mattress and shakes his head, tries his best to smile warmly, tries his best to show how sorry he is.

“No, I’m not going anywhere. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Charlie replies, shaking his head, willing himself not to cry.

“That’s why mom left isn’t it, because of the things you said? Because I’m rotten?” Henry whispers, looking down at his hands, and Charlie chews the inside of his cheeks.

“No.” He says immediately, firmly. “I didn’t mean those things that I said. I was angry, and sometimes when people are angry they say stupid things they don’t mean. I shouldn’t have said those things to you, I was wrong.”

“I was angry too. I didn’t mean it either.” Henry says, before shuffling over and hugging his dad, asking to be hugged back, and not really asking when he says too soft, “Mom’s not going to come back, is she.”

Charlie’s numb, at this point. He’s numb, he’s spent all his feelings, all his tears. He’s emotionally exhausted and he has to be honest with his son, he has to be honest with Henry, because clearly the farce of a happy circumstance had tarnished, had faded away.

“I don’t know. I wish I could tell you Henry, I really do.” Charlie hugs his son, and the rain comes down in sheets outside, and Charlie wishes things were different. “But I don’t know.”

“If she didn’t leave because of me, why did she go?” Henry asks and his voice breaks, and he’s crying into Charlie’s shirt again.

Charlie rubs Henry’s back, lets him cry, lets him be hurt. He has every right to be angry, but…but after Henry had screamed those three words at him, Charlie had begun to do some thinking, and Henry has just as much a right to be angry with Charlie as he does with Nicole.

“You want to know the truth? The truth is, she left because for so long, she was trying to be someone she wasn’t. I think…I think she was trying to be someone she thought she should be. Someone I thought she should be. For so many years I thought that things were okay, and that she was happy with the life she had, but she wasn’t. She wasn’t happy, because she wasn’t being herself.”

Charlie admits, admits to himself, to his son, to the world.

“And I didn’t notice. I didn’t notice that she was unhappy, because I thought things were okay, so I didn’t ever think to look. I thought that because I was happy, and you were happy, she had to be happy too. But that’s not how people work.”

He looks outside the window, watches the rain.

Henry is quiet as he listens, his cries coming to a light sniffle, his arms still tight around Charlie’s shoulders.

“She left because I was selfish, and I ignored her unhappiness for so long that she felt the only way to be happy again, was to be herself. Except, she spent so much time being someone that I wanted her to be, that the only way she could even be herself again was to be away from me. She couldn’t stand me anymore, and so she left.”

Charlie pulls Henry back enough so that he can look his son in the eye when he speaks now, because it’s important for him to know, important for him to hear him.

“Mom loves you so much. She loves you so much. And the more I think about it, the more I know that she tried for so long to make me happy, so that you could grow up with a family that felt perfect. But it wasn’t fair for me to let her do that all on her own. It wasn’t fair, and sometimes, there’s only so much that a person can take before they snap. She didn’t leave because of you, Henry. She left because of me.”

And he hates it, hates saying the truth out loud.

But it’s the truth, and Henry needs to hear it.

Charlie needs to hear it too.

“Okay.” Henry says eventually, and Charlie wonders what he’s thinking, how he’s processing any of this, if he’s processing it at all. He wonders if maybe he should get Henry a therapist, maybe he should get one for himself.

“Okay?” Charlie asks, and Henry nods. He checks the little clock in Henry’s room, it’s way too late, almost midnight, and like every other day, Charlie has work in the morning. He might call out, because he doesn’t know if he has any energy left in him to go be creative in eight hours, but he figures he’ll deal with that tomorrow. For now, he stands up, walks to Henry’s door and says, “Sleep tight honey.”

“Dad?” Henry whispers, as Charlie is about to close the door.

“Yeah Henry?” Charlie whispers back, hesitating for a minute.

“I love you.” Henry says, and the relief of those words smacks into Charlie like a freight train.

“I love you too.” Charlie nods, giving him as much of a smile as he could muster, and closing the door.

He has to cover his mouth so Henry doesn’t hear him cry, all the way down the hall to his own bedroom.

But this time, it’s tears of relief, and the thing he does before he does anything else, is pick up the phone, and call you.

 I know the only one for me can only be you My arms won't free you, my heart won't try

                                                     ----------------

Tagging some pals  @steeevienicks​​​ @heldcaptivebychaos​​​  @solotriplets​​​ @formerly-anonhamster​​​ @lookinsidemyhead​​​ @candycanes19​​​ @adamsnacc-kler​​​  @whiskey-bumblebee​​​ @magikevalynn​​​ @tinyplanet-explorers​​​ @chelsjnov​​​ @romancedeldiablo​​​ @helloimindelaware​​​ @elfieboxcat​​​ @laurenshit​​​ @autumnlovesadam​​​ @peterisparker​​​  @goodboybensolo​​​  @the-marvelatic​​​ @miasera​​​ @emily-strange​​​ @proxyfoxy​​​ @disaster-rose​​​ @hazydespair​​​ @yosoymuyloca​​​ @1-800-choke-that-snoke​​​ @ktellmeastory​​​ @anongirl007​​​ @zimmerxman​​​ @okk--maaan​​ @flapjacques​​​ @aweirdlookingtree​​​ @callmemania-pls​​​ @theold-ultraviolence​​​​ @og-selene​​​​ @pinkmoontribe-blog​​​​ @schopenhauerdeathsquad​​​​ @mochi-jhs

[lesbian-deadpool]

3,333 Followers Celebration

So as a celebration to reaching 3,333 followers, I will be taking fic requests (it may take a while for me to answer them, but I will!) Thank you guys sm for this! It really means a lot. Ily all!

And now, you may ask me, “Rachel? Aren’t these the prompts from your 2,222 Celebration, and your Pride Parade Challenge?” And to that, I would have to say, yes. Yes, they are. (With a few bonus ones).

Yes, I may also have a bunch more fics to finish. But that’s neither here nor there. I won’t tell, if you don’t.

The fics will be anywhere from 500-700 words, sometimes less, sometimes more.

I will write for:

Men: Platonic

Women: Platonic and romantic.

Rules:

1-4 prompts per person.

Please specify if you want fluff, angst, etc. (I don’t feel like I’m the best at smut. So be wary of that). If you do not specify, the default will, almost always, be humour.

Don’t ask for gross stuff, like rape and shit, bc duh.

That’s it!

(All but #31 are my own original quotes :))

1. “I just spent the past four hours watching various cheese videos on Youtube.”

2. “I don’t know why I agreed to go on a date with you.” “You were drunk at the time.”

3. “Do I look like an idiot to you?” “Yes. Did you seriously believe I didn’t think so?”

4. “Hey, do you-” “No.” “But-” “No.” “Can-” “No.” “… what?” “No.”

5. “Motherf-” “Don’t. There are kids around.” “… Oedipus!”

6. “Hey. What ya doin’?“ "Planning out my crying schedule.”

7. “I’m so tired… I’m also tired of your shit. But that’s neither here nor there.”

8. “How many times have I told you not to do shit like this?” “I don’t know. At least three.”

9. *Snapping on dishwashing gloves* “Next patient, please.”

10. *Cocks gun* “I love you.”

11. “Please don’t look at me.” “Why not?” “It decreases my sanity.”

12. “What do we do?” “Cheeseburgers?” “About the mission, (Name).” “Oh… fire?”

13. “That’s gay.” “We’re gay.”

14. “IIIIII’m off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of-!” “Shut the fuck up!”

15. “There are so many bullets.”

16.  “I need a break.”

17.  “What was that sound?” “Maybe it was a ghost.” “… why do you have to do that?”

18.  “What are you doing?” “Well, I thought I was (Blank), but I could be wrong.”

19. “How much do you think I could get for my kidney?”

20. “BLASPHEMY!”

21.  “Hey, “ “If you quote another vine at me, I’ll stab you with a fork.”

22.  “I woke up this morning and all I wanted to do was kiss you.”

23.  “I want a divorce.” “… but we’re not even married.” “And whose fault is that?”

24. “Hey, do you hear that?” “Yeah, its me sleeping.”

25. “WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD?!”

26. “Was I supposed to wait for you?”

27. “You are breaking my heart. You’re breaking it.” “I ate the last slice of pizza, calm down.”

28. “I’m broken.” “And I’m glue. It’s nice to meet you.”

29. “What the fuck do you want?” “Y’know, the appropriate greeting is “hello”.”

30. “What’s in your hoodie?” “Nothing.” *mew* “Hey, by the way. Did I tell you about the new features of my meowing hoodie?”

31. “Your love is like a giant pigeon, crapping on my heart.”

32. “I’m pregnant.” “… how?”

33. “You disgust me.” “I disgust me.”

34. “Where did you get that cat from?”

35. “How many times have you done this today?”

36. “I want to dye my hair.”

37. “You’re a complete idiot.” “Right?”

38. “Y’know there’s a lot of things you shouldn’t do. Binge drinking’s one of them.” *Takes a swig from a liquor bottle*

39. “You do know they’re an alien, right?”

40. “Did you have to break my nose?” “Yes.”

41. “How do I look?” “Do you have time to go change?” “No.” “Then you look great!”

42. “How many fingers am I holding up?” “I swear to, God, if I turn around and you’re flipping me off, I will kill you.”

43. “Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?… oh, it’s a gun.”

44. “Hey (Name), have you seen my glasses?” *Crunch* “Oops.”

45. “What was that sound?” “Maybe it was a ghost.” “… why do you have to do that?”

46. “I want a baby.”

47. “Care to take a shower with me?”

48. (Over the phone) “Heeeeeyyyyyyy. So, guess what?” “What?” “I’m in jail, again.” *Hangs up*

49. “Do you love me?”

50. “What do I remind you of?” “An idiot.”

51. “In another life, I would be president.” “In this life, I’m annoyed by you.”

52. “Hey, (Name), I’ve got a song for you.” “If you sing ‘Baby Got Back’ to me, one more time.”

53. “Wanna get married?”

54. “You make me wanna scream.” “Oh, I’m that good?”

55. “I asked you two hours ago if you could wash the dishes.”

56. “Wanna work out with me?” “I am never stepping foot inside of a gym, with you again.”

57. “Please don’t threaten me with a knife. I’ll get horny.”

58. “This is my David bowie knife.”

59. “Oh my, God. I’m so gay.”

60.  ”I thought you loved me.”

61. “Was everything a lie?”

62. “Hey, babe, guess what-” “I think we should break up.”

63. “You were the one who broke up with me!”

64. “You are so hot right now.”

65. “I am so in love with you.”

66. “Is this relationship going anywhere?”

67. “Are you cheating on me?”

68. “I swear, I’m gonna kill them.” “Okay. Call me if you need help hiding the body.”

69. “Let’s have sex.”

70. “Why don’t you just move in with me?”

71. “Can I paint your nails?” “… sure.”

72. “Can I cut your hair?” “What?”

73. “I love you. And you make me horny. So it’s a win-win.”

74. “I never loved you.”

75. “This was just a fling.”

76. “I want a dog.” “I’m a mad dog!”

77. “You’re lucky I love you.” “Why?” “Because, I just ate all of the olives off the pizza, before you came into the room.” (They both hate olives)

78. “I love cheese.” “Do you love anything else?” “… nope.”

79. “No homo.” “(Name), we’re dating.”

80. “Please do not quote Jim Carrey.” “Alllllllllll righty then!”

[numba99]

Hate to Love You Part 11

Part 1  Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9  Part 10

Playlist for shits and gigs if you care 

Summary:  You and Jimmy have never gotten along. To say you hated each other would be an understatement. But when a night at a party takes an unexpected turn, things between the two of you change forever. Word Count:1,915 (short I’m SORRY but i think the content will make up for it)

Warnings: again talking about family drama that i am not insinuating is real 

You cried yourself to sleep that night. If you can even call tossing and turning in bed sleep. The scene kept playing out in your mind: Jimmy telling Kevin and the heartbroken look in his eyes. It had to be one of the worst feelings you’ve ever experienced. 

It became a reoccurring nightmare. Night after night you were reliving that pain with no end in sight. You wanted to call Kevin, having not been satisfied with your conversation outside the event. There was so much more you wanted to say, so much more that he deserved to hear. But you were scared, scared of him giving you that look again. The look of a broken heart, one you caused.

Suddenly, your phone was ringing, pulling you from the fog that was your thoughts. Brady’s name was flashing across the screen, making your stomach do a flip. You haven’t talked to him, or anyone, since the incident. You didn’t know what Brady was going to say, or if he was mad at you, but you didn’t want to make things worse by ignoring him. Plus, a friendly voice would go a long way right now.

“Hey,” you said.

“Hey,” he replied. It sounded like he opened his mouth to say something, but the line stayed quiet.

“God Brady please something,” you burst out, the silence some how worse than him yelling at you.

“Sorry,” he said quickly, “I guess I just- well how are you y/n? Are you okay?” 

“No, but I’ll survive,” you sighed, “Are you mad at me?” You chewed your lip, nervous for his response.

“No why would I be?” Brady asked.

“I don’t know, I guess I just feel like a total dick right now. I screwed everything up,” you explained.

“How did this all happen?” Brady asked.

“Jimmy hasn’t told you?” It was harder to say his name than it should be.

“No, he’s been locked up in his room since...” his voice trailed off obviously not knowing what to call it, “And he left early this morning, don’t know where he went though.”

“Oh,” was all you could manage.You didn’t get why he was so upset, he created this whole mess by opening his mouth.

“I just want to make sense of this,” Brady said, “How it... became what it did. I mean I thought you and Jimmy hated each other.”

“We did, or we do,” you said. You didn’t even know. “It just sorta happened. That night at your part we hooked up and then it just didn’t stop... Until we got into a huge fight.”

“And Kevin?” he asked. Hearing his name was like a knife through your chest.

“I don’t know, I guess it was a right place right time kind of thing? Or maybe wrong time,” you muttered, “I thought I was done with Jimmy and Kevin was there for me and it just seemed to fall into place. I know it looks bad, but I genuinely didn’t mean to hurt Kevin. I liked him.”

“Liked? Do you not anymore?” Brady asked.

“It’s complicated,” you sighed, not even really sure of the answer. “Obviously I like him as a person but...”

“But you still have feelings for Jimmy,” Brady finished. Your knee jerk reaction was to deny that, but you knew it was true. You had done enough lying, you didn’t want to keep doing that.

“It doesn’t really matter anymore,” you shook him off, not wanting to directly confirm that.

“I kinda think it does, y/n,” Brady replied, “You’ve got two great guys and you’re gonna lose them both if you don’t figure this out.”

“I know,” you snapped a little, but quickly backtracked, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to sound so angry. I just- I guess I meant it doesn’t matter if I feel something for him because I don’t know if I even want something with him anymore. Those are totally different things.”

“Right,” Brady replied, “And the only way to figure that out is if you talk to him.”

“Why do you have to be right,” you groaned.

“One of us has to make sense of this,” Brady teased lightly, “But seriously. It’s going to be okay y/n. I’m here for you no matter what.”

“Thanks Brady,” you replied, fighting back tears. This whole situation, as Brady put it, has been a mess and you’ve felt so alone. Having Brady there for you really meant the world to you.

The two of you hung up shortly after and you spent the rest of the day thinking about what Brady said. Part of you wanted to just call Jimmy and hash it out but you were still so pissed about how he handled everything you imagined it would turn into a screaming match. So, you turned in early that night and you managed to sleep a little better now knowing Brady wasn’t mad at you.

Shortly after you woke up the next morning there was a knock at your door. You stomach dropped, the last time someone was at your door this early it was Kevin. What if he came to talk again? You knew you had to do it but you were totally unprepared.

“Jimmy,” you gasped when you opened the door. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. You went to close the door, but his hand flew up to the door, holding it open.

“Please y/n I know you’re mad, but just give me five minute,” Jimmy pleaded. You wanted to tell him to fuck off, but you heard Brady’s voice in the back of your head. You needed to do this.

“Five minutes,” you stated firmly, stepping aside to let him in. You reconvened n the couch, where Jimmy was fidgeting in his seat.

“Shit I don’t even know where to start,” Jimmy muttered, half talking to himself.

“Clocks ticking,” you reminded him.

“Right,” he responded quickly, “Fuck I’m sorry y/n, okay? I’m so sorry about what I did. I just- seeing you and Kevin together like fucking sucked so bad. I snapped and I hurt two people I care about and I’m sorry.” 

“Two people you care about?” you questioned.

“Yes, y/n I care about you, a lot,” he admitted, “I didn’t want to let myself care about you for the long time but I can’t help it and I’m done pretending like you don’t mean something to me.”

“You have a funny way of treating someone you care about,” you huffed, not sure if you should believe him. He seemed sincere, his words spilled from his lips urgently and his eyes clouded with pain. Still, you were weary. 

“The night you came over,” he began, his voice strained, “I found out my parents were getting divorced-”

“Jimmy,” you gasped, but he held up his hand cutting you off.

“It’s not an excuse, I know it isn’t. But my parents, they used to love each other so much, but over the years I’ve just watched their marriage fall apart and it terrifies me. I’m so scared I’m gonna end up like that, so I just never let anyone get close to me. But, fuck, I couldn’t ignore my feelings for you y/n and I just lashed out because I didn’t know what to do,” he spoke so quickly, tears falling from his eyes. “It’s wrong, I know what I did was so wrong and I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I just couldn’t not tell you.”

You couldn’t stand it anymore, you had to pull him in for a hug. His pain was so genuine and palpable it nearly brought you to tears. For a moment, none of the shit mattered anymore. Jimmy just needed you.

“Jimmy, I’m so sorry,” you said, squeezing him tightly, “I know how hard it is.” 

“You were the only person I wanted to talk to when I found out,” Jimmy admitted as you two pulled apart, “That night, after we, er, hooked up, I freaked out because I realized it was different. We were different. I realized I love you.” Your breath caught in your throat. Love. Not loved. Love, present tense.

You grabbed him again, this time your lips pressing to his. You figured it was better than any words you could come up with at the moment. It was a soft kiss, but it felt so good. It was like an intense weight had been lifted off your shoulders. When you pulled away you were both half crying, half laughing. You stayed like that for a moment, foreheads pressed together.

“So does that mean you love me too? Because I’m kind of freaking out over here,” Jimmy said finally.

“Obviously you fool,” you replied, giggling.

“Thank god,” he sighed.

“I think we still have a lot to work out,” you told him, “but I wanna figure it out with you.”

“Corny,” he couldn’t help but tease you.

“Says the boy who just sobbed telling a girl a he loved her,” you responded playfully. Saying he loved you made your stomach fill with butterflies.

“Alright you got me,” he nodded laughing.

“But seriously, are you okay?” you asked, not wanting to totally make light of how upset he’d been.

“A lot better now,” he told you, “I mean like my parents breaking up really fucking sucks. I know it’s gonna take a lot of time for it to not.”

“I get it,” you replied, gently pushing a lock of hair off his forehead, “It gets better, I promise.”

Jimmy nodded, “That’s really good to hear. Almost as good as hearing you don’t hate me because I really thought you were going to.”

“I thought I did too,” you admitted, “And I’m still upset about how it all played out, but I get it now. I wish you would have told me sooner but I also was a dick to you so I don’t blame you for not.”

Jimmy shook his head, “I deserved you being a dick to me. I created a big mess and now I have to clean it up.”

“We are gonna figure it out,” you assured him, giving his hand a squeeze.

“I’m just scared about Kevin... He’s my best friend and I really fucking messed up, I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t forgive me,” his voice trailed off.

“Listen, I think I fucked up bigger with Kevin,” you sighed. You were the one that didn’t tell him, after all. “I’m going to talk to him, okay? I think we both have to, but it would probably be better done separately. But I think I should go first.” Jimmy nodded and you made a plan to text Kevin and see if he could talk to tomorrow.

You half expected Kevin to text back telling you to fuck off, but he agreed. You were a relieved, but also nervous. You had no idea what you were going to say to him.

“I guess I should go now,” Jimmy said, standing up.

You grabbed his hand, “Stay.” He smiled softly, not needing any more convincing. That night you slept together in the most innocent sense of the term. You were both exhausted from the emotional roller coaster you’ve been on these past few days. However, the second you crawled into bed together all that seemed to melt away. You tangled into each other, like you couldn’t possibly get close enough. Between murmurs of ‘I love yous’ you both drifted into a peaceful sleep.

[softlywithhissong]

ks ch 52 reaction & analysis

um...

This one... hit way too close to home. I’m gonna try and find some way to express my reaction and analysis...

But I need to warn you. I’m probably going to overshare here. This chapter was like a gut punch. It confirmed my worst fears and brought up a lot of feelings regarding my own personal childhood trauma, issues, PTSD, and continuing struggle to... have some semblance of peace of mind.

So... let me start by explaining why the previous glimpses of Sangwoo’s mom sent a chill through me. Women are capable of being abusive too.

It wasn’t really understandable to me what was wrong with my own mother until I was in my late 20s. Not that long ago. It’s only recently that I gained some knowledge and perspective that leads me to understand that my mother struggled with mental health problems that could have (and should have) been diagnosed earlier (but weren’t) along with her own childhood trauma and issues.

My mom’s mother (my grandmother) is an abusive and manipulative person. She is emotionally and verbally abusive and she was physically abusive.

My mom married my dad in her 20s and had me and my younger sister. Then she had a... delusional break with reality when I was 7 years old and my sister was 3. When putting us to bed, she suddenly dragged both my sister and I to the car (unbeknownst to my dad in the other room) and drove off screaming and crying with me and my sister screaming and crying in the backseat. (I have PTSD flashbacks and start crying uncontrollably now when I feel a little rushed from home at night. Even if it’s to go on a planned family vacation.)

1. The Oh family is in the car on their way back from a family trip. And it’s adorable. The dad is being a good dad with Sangwoo so far and he’s the one that shares a resemblance with Sangwoo again. Either Koogi drastically changed how Sangwoo’s dad is drawn or the abusive dad is a different guy. A different “dad”. Remember: one unidentified male body was found at the house while Sangwoo’s dad’s body was by all indications driven up to the mountains and buried by Sangwoo and his mom.

2. The mom is mentally somewhere else and slow to respond. Which has me scared. The dad gets her attention and is clearly making an effort to spend quality time with his family. “I’ve been too busy to take care of you two,” he says. Was this an early warning that he knows she needs looking after and can’t be trusted alone with Sangwoo? She agrees to another trip. The dad asks, “Really?” He blushes in excitement. This guy is looking to her for consent to vacation plans, which reinforces my suspicions that this is not the same guy as the abuser. As busy as his job might make him, the dad makes clear to his coworker/boss (and us, the reader) that time with his family is his first priority, so his responses to work-related stuff might be delayed.

3. The mom goes upstairs into Sangwoo’s room and closes the door behind her. Oh god. What she’s about to do is premeditated. She tries to smother Sangwoo to death with a pillow. Ugh. So, it’s not just abuse, but attempted murder. WHY, EUNSEO, WHY? “Looks like we won’t get to go on another trip again.” REALLY? Ugh! And the dad finally discovers what’s going on and stops her. But how long was Sangwoo oxygen deprived? This and the trauma of his mom trying to kill him definitely contributed to Sangwoo’s emotional issues. He scratched her trying to get her to stop, so he was definitely aware enough to know what just happened. She begs forgiveness and says she is “really sick right now.”

This hurts. We know based on previous chapters (and the rest of this one) that Sangwoo’s mom’s mental health is a continuing problem. Which is sadly realistic. She’s not just “really sick right now.” She’s not going to stop being sick. She’ll have some good days but she’ll also likely have more episodes. Her issues seem to go beyond possible post-partum depression. I was 7 when I first witnessed my mom have a full on delusion-filled break with reality and she has had multiple more episodes since. She drove us in the middle of the night to her old friend from school’s house and fervently claimed that our dad was THE devil - not based on anything he’d done or said and not just claiming he was bad but she believed he was Satan (for real) and forced us to pray frantically with her on the way there, with this friend, and later (once this clearly freaked out friend urged my mom to go to her parents house) with my grandparents. Including my grandmother who stoked this religious fervor. My mom claimed our reality of events wasn’t right and she was actually with some other guy. This was delusion. A recurring delusional fixation. This other guy didn’t know she existed. Unfortunately, even though my dad tried to figure out what was going on and work out whatever had gone wrong (at this point, people thought it was a relationship related breakdown), things devolved into a long and drawn out messy custody battle and divorce. So we went back and forth between my dad’s place and my grandparents house, where my grandmother started physically abusing my baby sister. Which I told anyone who would listen about, including CPS (who did nothing) and my mom (who would brush it off and think more about how it would hurt her custody case) and my dad (who fought harder for custody, but the courts favor the mother even when she can’t provide a safe environment). Long story short, we ended up ferried back and forth every week (split custody) until my dad got me a car and after another incident of abuse, I packed my sister and I up and refused our ever again living in the same house with our grandmother. My mother has had several severe delusional episodes since which has led to brief institution stays, including a hysterical pregnancy (where it’s psychosomatic and all in her head). Yeah. So, the whole family keeps an eye out now for any signs of “off” behavior. Including some “mercy killing” talk which scared the fuck out of me.

This is why unreliable narrators scare me. My dad was the parent we were safest with. Delusions distort the perception of reality and mix everything up.

So things could be really distorted in Killing Stalking.

4. Things to note: The kitchen used to have a rug. Sangwoo’s mom is physically abusive (the murder attempt), negligent (doesn’t have any idea whether her son went to school or not), and emotionally manipulative and abusive. “Dad’ll get mad if he finds out I’m sick.” Did she poison him? Is this a Munchhausen Syndrome thing? Or another murder attempt?

5. Sangwoo cringes when she says, “I love you.” She said “I love you” to the guy she’s cheating with too. Now, every “I love you” Sangwoo hears is suspect. This is devastating. Not only does this emotionally cripple him, it hurts any potential relationships and trust he could have had with anyone else. Explains a lot. Cue the maladjusted psyche.

6. Oh god. Emotional manipulation. “You believe your lying dad more than me.” This hurts too. I’ve heard a variation of this. It’s pushing you to choose a parent. And the sad fact is - he shouldn’t believe her. She lies. She’s mentally unstable. And she says, “Come down to the first floor at 12.” Which,

THEORY: leads me to believe she and this guy she’s been cheating with are going to kill Sangwoo’s real dad (the one buried in the mountain), replace him with the new “dad” who will become abusive - the “dad” Sangwoo will eventually kill (the unidentified male body), and who knows what happens to her! Does she just leave? And consistently request “Killing Me Softly” to be played on a certain radio station at a certain time?

[eyecicles]

Top 5 of your hot takes about Those!L? Haha whatever you want really, I just want to hear you talk about him basically

Oooh, let’s see (spoilers under the cut!) (also, I want to apologise in advance for rambling endlessly, lol):

1. Just the thought of L as a legendary totally corrupt gay lawyer is an aesthetic I’m in love with. When we first meet him, he’s described as “a bit of a mess with slicked back black hair”, and combined with L’s peculiar facial features, especially his eyes, you get a great mental picture of him. Also, I’m so glad that Those!Light is obsessed enough with both him and fashion to tell us what he’s wearing in great detail. Picturing L in nice suits is wonderful enough, but Light’s internal rants about his shitty sweaters or jeans are great too. I love how his energy his chaotic and refined at the same time. Also, I remember there was a scene where Light thinks that he has “something of winter”, and it’s just intriguing to read how his thoughts about L get slowly more and more poetic and romantic. Sometimes he romanticises him so much that his admiration turns to jealously. He was the first person to make Light wish he could be someone else for a moment and hnghnng, I love it

2. There were at least three scenes involving L that, well, felt like a knife to the heart:

The first one would right after L faked his death. B trying to convince Light that he’s dead indeed is heartbreaking enough, but this little scene here

I found one of L’s old sweet wrappers in my car ashtray when I pulled over, so I threw it out of the window and then regretted it. It was littering. Then the possibility hit me for the first time that I wouldn’t see him again apart from in grainy photographs or in the background, unfocused, in press footage. I had little to show of his existence or his effect on my life, so it was like he’d disappeared completely, and I was so frustrated that a fucking sweet wrapper suddenly held all these memories and emotions – it was pathetic. I’d thrown it away with no ceremony, only shaking hate. 

was so unbelievable painful to read, I had to stop for a moment.

The second one would be when Kira finds L’s picture inside Light’s drawer. Everything is written with such a care and detail, that I had to reread the entire segment a few times, actually. It was equally touching, funny, as it was, of course, heartbreaking. Especially this:

He still can’t understand but stays quiet about it. After a while of looking at the photo in confusion, he starts rummaging around in his pocket for something. I think that maybe it’s for crayons so he’ll draw on the glass and I know that I’ll let him do it and get some absurd satisfaction from the defacement. Maybe I’ll join in and go mad scribbling out L’s face with a furious black crayon, blotting out the only real thing of him that’s left until he is truly gone. But Kira pulls out a toy plane. I’m disappointed. I’m used to it. “Do you think that Eru would like my plane?”

“Yes. I think that he’d love your plane,” I say after a few moments of silent conflicting feelings.

and this:

“Is Eru your friend?“

"Yes.”

“Even if he’s deaded?”

“Yes. He’ll always be my friend.”

…I think this made me a cry a bit, if I remember correctly. (And I don’t cry easily) (Listen, I’m just very sensitive when it comes to L & death because of his actual canon fate)

And the final scene I want to mention isn’t “just” sad - it actually has kind of a happy ending (kind of because when is anything in “Those” truly happy, lmao). It’s when Light goes to L’s apartment with his divorce papers:

Sensing someone in the doorway, I force myself to look up in case I’m in someone’s way. L looks down at me, cast in shadow, but doesn’t say anything. Neither do I. I can’t read him, I don’t know what he’s thinking. I just exhale and feel how exhausted I am, and how relieved I am to see him. I thought you’d left me again, just when I made a clearing for you to take everything I have and make it yours. I’d take your name if you wanted me to. If I could. I’d become your property until the wrecking balls came, and be proud of it.

After a little while, I grasp my hair close to my scalp until it hurts and my eyes scrunch up from pain. For me in another time, this would be a mistake. It wouldn’t have happened. What the fuck went wrong?

L bends to pick up my dropped application for divorce, sees what it is and looks at me like he expects me to explain it. But I don’t have to, do I? I can’t give any more of myself than I already have done. When I don’t say anything, he walks to me and sits against the opposite wall. I’m not sure how much time passes with us sitting like that, but eventually he crawls towards me and kisses me like it’s a thank you. We don’t need words, you and I.

I touch the back of his head as another removal man steps over us.

3. Let’s talk about how fucking funny Those!L is for a moment. The first time I laughed uncontrollably, was when Light locked himself and L in a fucking baby’s changing room at Light’s birthday party:

Then there’s a knock behind him and my eyes flicker away from his to look at the door with someone who’s not welcome on the other side of it.

“Excuse me?” a woman’s voice asks. “Is anyone in there? I need to change my baby.”

L sighs and turns his head slightly to the side. “I’m afraid that you’re stuck with it, madam. You can’t swap it for another one. Kindly piss off.”

I also love his rant about Kitamura, where he just ends Light’s phone conference to force him to listen to him, or his reaction to Matt interrupting their breakfast at an Italian bistro, and especially the scene where Light watches L getting interviewed on TV. It’s too long of a scene to quote here, but as soon as I realised that he integrated the lyrics of “Under Pressure” into his totally inspirational speech, I completely lost it: 

“He’s a victim of a consumerist attitude where children are given money instead of love. He was unequipped to deal with life, and after the incident he’s confronted with the terror of knowing what this world is about. It’s watching some good friends screaming: ‘Let me out!’ And how does he cope? He prays that tomorrow he’ll get higher, higher, high. Drugs,” he says, shrugging his shoulders. He looks quite intense even though he’s talking absolute shit again.

(Also: “Are you going to celebrate with the Prime Minister, Lawliet-san? What do you think he’ll wear?” L stops as if this is a very important question and his smile and compulsive blinking fills me with dread. “Hope… hopefully…” he struggles, as though he’s trying to contain himself. Oh my God. Hopefully nothing? I stand up to shout at the TV. “Don’t say it, you bastard, don’t say it!”)

Anyway, the story his full of gems like that and it makes L weirdly likeable, even though he’s such a little shit.

4. Actually, let’s talk about this: I’ve rarely seen a character who’s such a complete and utter asshole in a way that allows you to still enjoy his presence. And I hate it when the narrative tries to force us to like some edgy, lame dude who’s forgiven for all the shit he does because he’s sexy and vaguely funny. But I never got the feeling that we were supposed to excuse anything shitty L does, mainly because he’s the love interest of someone just as horrible. You completely get why they are in love with each other, it’s not some kind of a beauty and the beast story, or about one person trying to make their love interest a better person. How Light and L treat each other, is most of the time extremely selfish on both ends. They have some tender moments too, but their are also believable. Those!L is exactly how I like my bastards.

5. All of L’s, eh, mental breakdowns are incredibly well-written. I remember when I first read the chapter where his father died, and getting completely blindsided by how deep this character suddenly was. Honestly, the entire scene with Astbury… made me sick to my stomach. It wasn’t at all what I expected, but that’s another testament to how high-quality “Those” is. I felt like that a bit too after Stephen died. And I was absolutely in awe when I realised that his reaction made even more sense when you find out that L himself killed him. I’m just so thankful that I can read a story for free that’s written with so much love and care for a character who isn’t even the protagonist.

[poppy-metal]

There is going to be a lot of triggering things up ahead, dealing with rape, suicide, abusive relationships, and the like. So if you can't handle hearing about that stuff it's okay. Take care of yourself.

I just need to tell my story right now, because it's the last time I might be able to tell it. I've kept it inside for so long but I need to let it out.

I don't remember a time where I wasn't full of anxiety. Ever. My parents weren't in the healthiest relationship and fought all the time. My mom was okay, if a bit immature and wild at times. But I loved her, and she used to love me. My dad was a different story. I can't ever remember feeling safe around him. Not once. He was, is, bipolar and would scream at me and hit me and lock me in my room over the smallest infractions, like, missing a spot when I cleaned the dishes, or not wanting to play outside. He also touched me sexually (': every night he'd come into my room to say 'good night' and spoon me and touch my body and just kiss my neck and squeeze my chest and touch between my legs. Every night I dreaded bed time. Every night I just layed there and let him do what he wanted and said nothing. I don't think I knew what it meant, I just knew how scared and uncomfortable it made me. My mom never knew, she still doesn't. No one does. This happened for as long as I can remember, from when I was like 5 (that's as far back as my memories go) to when I was 13. I developed a nervous tick from the stress of worrying when I was next going to be hit or touched, and got made fun of in school for that, because my hands would shake.

My mom and dad got a divorce then and my mom moved to Florida and I begged her to take me with her. I couldn't be the only female in that house with my dad. I couldn't. She did and I was happy for a bit (': my grandparents and the rest of my family live in Florida and it was nice. I lived with my mom for awhile, 3 years, from 13 to 15/16. And at the beginning it was okay, like I said before, I loved my mom. She was cool and fun and I just wanted to impress her all the time. I just wanted her to notice me. I just wanted to be fun and free like she was. She started making friends that weren't good people, drug addicts and convicts and homeless people. There would be up to 10 random people in our house at a time and at first, even though it was weird and made me uncomfortable, I tried to be cool with it. Then stuff started getting bad. The men (bc it was all guys) started noticing me more and more and started making comments on how pretty I was, how much I looked like my mom. One in particular, being my mom's boyfriend, noticed me the most. Whenever my mom wasn't in the same room he'd be at my side, wanting to know how I was doing and letting me know how 'sexy' I was. I started locking my door at night (a habit I still have now, I need to lock doors) and had trouble sleeping due to the sounds of people getting wasted and partying all night long. I started falling behind in school. One day someone in my class started a rumor that I was into witchcraft bc I wore all black all the time and didn't speak. (': no one talked to me or tried to. I went home that day and cried, and got mad at my mom and told her she needed to get her shit together bc how she was living wasn't healthy. She called me a loser and said I was just jealous of the attention she got and that I had no life and her boyfriend (Kyle) was there the whole time just watching me, so I went to my room and cried my eyes out. I forgot to lock the door that night and it was the worst mistake of my life.

TW GRAPHIC DETAIL OF RAPE: he came in that night and I was under the covers still silently crying and he just slid under them next to me, just like my dad used to, and I just. Froze. I just froze because that's what I do when I panic, and he pulled me to him and touched me all over and moaned so loud, and kept telling me how fucking hot I was and how I'd teased him for so long by wearing shorts and baggy shirts around the house. He fingered me and I'll never forget how sweaty his hands were and how dry I was and how much it hurt. I'll never forget feeling his hot body and the alcohol and weed on his breathe when he pressed me down and raped me. It's awful how the whole time I wasn't even panicking anymore. Because in that moment it clicked for me. I didn't matter. Im a waste of space. I'm nothing. I just stared at my dresser the whole time and thought about nothing. I've never felt more blank and empty then in that moment. He finished, not inside, but on my sheets, and left just as quietly as he had come. And I just. Stopped. I stopped feeling. I stopped everything. I was 15. I stopped waking up early in the morning to go to school. My mom didn't even notice I'd stayed home most days. I'd just lay in bed and sleep all day. I cut myself in the shower. I didn't eat. I got touched and felt up a few more times after that, 2 by Kyle and 1 by someone else. I didn't care, I just detached myself. I probably would have died soon, but my school noticed I hadn't been attending classes for months and contacted my grandparents bc my mom wouldn't answer. I got taken out of my mom's home and moved in with my grandparents for that reason. My mom didn't care. Kyle said he'd miss me.

I don't know when but I got my emotions back slowly. My grandparents bought me a phone and a computer and that's when I discovered online. It helped so much. It really did. I met nice people. I met my best friend. I met my first ex. (': he was my first love and at this time, I still didn't know what being treated with respect was like. He took advantage of that. He abused me mentally daily, and told me I was worthless and that there were much better options around and that I was weak for letting myself be raped and doing nothing. I don't know why I loved him. We accept the love we think we deserve so. He ended up cheating on me and telling me it was my fault. The worst part is I still kept in contact with him and every now and then we'd talk (when he was single and needed some side ass) and he'd be mock sweet and tell me I was important only to get nudes from me and then ditch me again the second his main goal came back. Inadequacy hello 😎 this happened from when I was about 17/18.

I then went through what I thought was a positive time in my life. I met my other ex and he seemed so good. He seemed to love me, he seemed to want me. And for a year I was happy. And then he too, cheated on me 😎 in the word possible way, by force. And now that I look back on it there were a lot of ways he wasn't good. He ignored me a lot and invalidated me whenever there was an argument.

So at this point I've decided I'm worth about shit, right? A dad who cares about me a little to much, a mom who doesn't at all anymore e except when she needs money. Two boyfriends who found better options and who lied and cheated and abused me.

Wrong. Because I started my tumblr and made alot of online friends. Friends who I adore and love and have feelings for. Friends who seem to love me back. And I thought that was enough but 😎

There is now a family friend who has taken to noticing me too much, to touching me when he has the chance. He's been getting close and closer for the past year. My dad sent me a letter on my birthday telling me he can't wait to see me when he gets out, how much he thinks I've probably grown so much prettier then he remembers, how much he can't wait to hold me again. I got felt up at the grocery store the other day. My mom and her boyfriend visited and Kyle picked me up and copped a feel and he still smelled like alcohol and weed just like always.

That family friend touched me again today. Worse then that he called me pretty and when we were alone he sat next to me on the couch and put his hand on my leg and let it travel up, and up. And I did nothing. I did nothing.

I am nothing. Everyone needs who reads this now knows why. I don't have worth. I don't have value. It's all been taken. I don't have anything left to give anyone. I want to fall in love, I have already, with someone, I think. They've shown me so much kindness and I've opened up to them and they've seen sides of me no one has and they deserve so much but I'm nothing and I can't give anything. I'm not worth them, I'm not and I'll never be. I'm not worth anyone. I am dirt, I am scum, I am a husk of a person. I'm not sexy or beautiful or special or fragile or lovely. I am tainted and bruised and so, so ugly. I'll never be worth love and happiness. Never.

By the time you finish this post I will have downed as many pills as I possibly can. I'm to much of a coward to cut anymore. I dont even know if ill die or not. I just need to sleep and not think about how worthless I am for awhile. I'm sorry. I've already been letting myself waste away by not eating.

I am not worth being loved or treasured. I'm not worth having love. I'm not worth having a boyfriend or girlfriend that love me. I'm not.

[mexamix]

Trigger Warning

Suicide, Guilt, Death, Toxic Relationship, Counseling, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, PTSD, Dissociation, Sexual Assualt.

1) I do need a professional counselor or therapist

2) This past weekend proved it - March of 2019

3) I will find one in my own time

4) This will not be coherent (most likely)

5) I don't need to talk here, needed to write.

6) I quit my job of over 5.5 years, on a whim, over this weekend, because even in my mental state I knew it wasn't good for me. But I hurt the people I was trying to not to

Tumblr has been and always will be a happy place for me - I understand that it's not for everyone, and it's the least furthest thing from perfect. But it's how I found who I feel to be the love of my life. It's where I can make new friends with a simple hello, and we don't have to talk every day, and that's okay. It's where I can express and explore every part of myself, and I can be safe. I can love myself as much as I want, explore mental health, become aware of different perspectives, and have my eyes opened to how the world and the people around me are hurting. It has the potential to be an incredible place for every walk of life.

And on this blog, the one that started it all, I feel safe to write posts like this.

I have had a happy life. Raised by wonderful people. Live in a quiet town that actually raised me to believe that I could do anything I put my mind to. I love to travel. When I have a job, any job, I give it my all. I am also ridiculously creative, in so many ways, you should hear the mental list of ideas I have. I finally found exercise I like. I love to cook. I have many wonderful friends from all different walks of life. Graduated college "on time." Loved by everyone, and if I'm not, please let me make it right. Don't be mad at me. Please don't hate me. Please don't leave me.

I have no control. It was too much.

I am always growing and learning - in fact, I am so "grown up," I recently friended everyone on Facebook at once! Old friends that I'm ecstatic are doing well, mended broken fences, I even forgave my parents! My mom of all people! Everything is great! I'm finally feeling like myself again!

Oh she wants to talk. Oh she's liking my pictures. She's commenting. Again and again and again and again and AGAIN FUCK WHY IS HER NAME EVERYWHERE.

My parents divorced when I was a kid. They were "high school sweethearts." Mom never showed up to the custody court hearing. And I've never asked my dad to tell me everything that happened from his perspective.

Because they left me

They abandoned me

They didn't want to raise me

She was never a real fucking mother and I had to see her every other damn weekend.

And the minute I didn't have to legally be in her presence, my dad started bringing over girlfriends that looked just like her.

Acted like her.

Felt like her.

Left the same bad taste in my mouth.

I don't want to be my mother.

I had a wonderful childhood...aced every test, took it semi-okay (not really) when I didn't get good a good grade in college, but still graduated with honors! I can live anywhere I want with my experience and degree!

Oh but my grandparents have a lot of health issues.

My boyfriend will move up here and leave everything...for me.

why do I have to leave? This safe little town, it has so many good memories, we can have a life here, I can buy a house, I can have the CLASSIC AMERICAN DREAM. I CAN WORK EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK WITH NO TIME FOR MYSELF OR LOVED ONES. I CAN FIX IT. NOTHING'S WRONG.

I love to travel and I want to see the world - financially I cannot.

I was raised by my grandparents. They are my true parents. They love and support me no matter what. I was raised in a loving household. With good Christian values. But everyone hated my beliefs in high school, part of who I am. And I thought traditional was best. Why don't you drink? Oh you can't be GAY that's WRONG aren't you a GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL. Ewww you are way too clingy, back the fuck off, we're just friends, I don't *actually* like you. Why don't you let loose??? Have some fun! Be like us!

Why are you hanging out with that boy who said he likes you? Dude sure you had a wonderful first date, but do you know him?? He has NONE of the same interests as you! So what if he seems like a great guy!! Listen to us!!!!! WE KNOW BEST.

I wished I had just been friends with my "first" boyfriend. I wish we had never kissed. I wish I hadn't clung onto him because he was the first guy to supposedly not care how clingy he was.

I was sexually assaulted in high school. I had pushed my friends away, and I didn't know what to do. Or who to tell. No one else would like me, right?

I should've just been his friend.

My wonderful boyfriend and I recently had our five year anniversary - half of that was long distance. I live in a fairy tale!! He's got some giant surprise for me!! What's it going to be?? A trip? A proposal? A house? I get to meet every celebrity I follow????? All of the above?????

I am a highly sensitive person. I see details and patterns.

I work hard to have a good life.

I am not upper class, in fact if I lost my grandparents, I'd be "lower class" compared to society standards. But I like nice things, fancy things, shiny things, pretty things, let me spend all if my money because shopping is happy!!!! I have a job!!! I can buy whatever I want because I KNOW BEST and I HAVE MONEY and what's one more thing to add to the collection??? I'll always have money!!!

I have too much. I have no control. In "real life" I have no money if I lost everything.

Let me buy a house! Let's rent a house! I can DO it I can AFFORD it, it can be an INVESTMENT, I can't have all of the noise, I need pets, I need my own place I want it to be MINE I just need to GET OUT.

I had my first panic attack.

From my brain going into overdrive, and seeing details and patterns. Not trusting people. Couldn't sit still. But from feeling cared for. Then wondering if everyone around me knew something that I didn't. I get what I want right?? What do I want????? I can have EVERYTHING????? I can have FREEDOM??????????? What does everyone SEE that I'M MISSING???

the effects are just now starting to wear off I guess. I've been to two doctors. But I was delusional, thinking I was okay when I wasn't, hurting those around me, dissociating multiple times, screaming at my boyfriend, terrified to talk to the doctors, overly angry, absent, happy, manic.

ever since the first time I dissociated, I've felt like while there's more love and support every day, the country they I live in is no longer my home.

I became aware of how Dissociation felt the night of the 2016 election.

Watch what you say. Who you piss off. Nothing is safe. Safe places are childish. Act "normal." no DON'T try and have a relationship with that person STOP STOP STOP it's TOO MUCH you'll LOSE THEM you need to get out out out, somewhere safe, DON'T BE YOURSELF JUST GET OUT DAMMIT.

apartments are scary. loud men are scary. people not believing the minorites, are scary. this country is scary. not remembering things, it's incredibly scary.

not having any self-worth....is terrifying.

My first "boyfriend" committed suicide.

This was years ago. I thought I was over him. I was sad, because I knew he had a hard life too. I tried to be his friend when he messaged me, but I didn't know how. I was still a young adult. Inexperienced. What was I supposed to do??? I didn't read the signs!! I could've helped him if I'd just KNOWN. AND NOW HE'S GONE.

I needed to block his Facebook from myself, because it's still up. I'm reminded of all of the good times. How he only sexually assulted me, he didn't actually *rape* me, that's different, I was *lucky* that he didn't rape me in that house alone when the only person who knew where I was TRUSTED me!! I told them to go. It was fine.

I was lucky. I didn't know what a Toxic Relationship was.

and when I went to try and block his Facebook, I found his memorial page, made by good friends.

He was such a good person. Don't talk bad about the death. Just remember the *good* times. No bad times. It's so sweet! I should *contribute* something!!! Remember all of the GOOD times we had??????? There was never ANYTHING bad!

I had my first panic attack, I was sleep deprived, and the terrifying effects are just now wearing off.

I almost had another one just seeing that Facebook page and feeling like I should contribute.

I am lucky. But I have a past, just like everyone else. And no one needs to know everything. But I need professional help, and rest, and time to myself. But the thought of people leaving because of something I did, or how I acted...it never should've gotten to this point. But it did.

And while it doesn't excuse my actions, I hope it helps spread awareness of mental health and the effects of what high stress and anxiety can do to a person, as well as bring more awareness to the behaviors and mental conditions that can affect anyone, even when they can't just let the past go.

I am not a doctor. But I need to talk to a professional counselor, therapist, etc. No one deserves to deal with the effects of my mental state after what happened.

Please watch the YouTube channel Psych2go. It is accessible, free education about the different aspects of mental health, and the variables that go into it.

[whimsical-ness]

Jackpot | Sehun

◇ Link to Masterlist

◇ Genre: What Happens In Vegas! AU, More Love/Hate (oops)

◇ Summary: A night of drunken fun in Vegas leads to you accidentally getting married to a tall, smirky stranger named Oh Sehun. Things get even more complicated when you hit a $2 million jackpot—neither of you can keep your share of the money unless you try and make the marriage work. 

◇ Word Count: 4.7k

“Promise me you aren’t going to think about anything this weekend,” said your best friend Nat sternly, blocking the way into your hotel room with her outstretched arm. You rolled your eyes. 

“I’m serious, Y/N. We didn’t come all the way to Vegas to have you be uptight and stressed out. We’re here to have fun, got it?” You laughed at the desperation in her voice. “Okay, okay Nat. Promise. No thinking about work, no thinking about him,” you said. 

Nat sighed in relief, handing you the room pass with a wink. “Then let’s go get ready for a wild night.”

“I’m taking the shower first,” you called, striding into the bathroom. You undressed and stepped into the hot shower with a sigh, letting the water wash away your worries.

You had a lot of worries.

The biggest one was, probably, that your boyfriend of a year had cheated on you, a fact you had found out just last week. On top of that, your boss was being a complete asshole at work, and had relentlessly piled work up on your already tired shoulders. You had no time to even breathe.

Nat had noticed that you were basically on the verge of a nervous meltdown, and so had insisted on taking this spontaneous trip to Vegas for the weekend to lift your spirits. And you were determined to let your hair down, for just once.

You were pulled from your thoughts as you heard Nat scream. “Shit, Nat, what’s wrong?” you yelled, hurriedly wrapping a towel around your body. 

You burst out of the bathroom, brandishing your curling iron as a weapon. Your mouth dropped as you saw Nat tackling a man onto the bed. “What the hell?”

You nearly jumped out of your skin as you heard someone approach you from behind. It was another man, and this time, you screamed, pushing him away. “For fucks’ sake. Leave him alone, what are you doing?” he yelled at Nat.

“Who the hell are you and what are you doing in our room?” you said defensively, pulling your towel tighter around yourself. 

“Your room? This is ours!” he said, running his hand through his hair. Nat crossed her arms across her chest. “Why the fuck would the hotel give us the same room?” “I don’t know, lady. But I think I’m going to go find out before you murder me,” the shorter man said, rolling his eyes, scrambling off the bed from Nat’s wrath.

Turns out, your hotel had somehow double booked your room. But with some sweet-talking—courtesy of the taller guy—the manager agreed to let you stay in the penthouse suite as an apology. He even handed you VIP passes to all of the city’s hot spots. 

The tall, dark-haired man smirked at your evident awe. “You girls are welcome. Thanks to us, you are now about to have the night of your lives.”

As you soon found out, his name was Sehun, while his shorter friend was called Junmyeon. 

They seemed like a whole bunch of trouble and bad decisions. Which was, frankly, just what you needed. Plus, who would be stupid enough to give up those free VIP passes?

And so that night, you and Nat found yourselves having the time of your lives with two strangers you’d met just that afternoon.

You were chauffeured to casino after casino in a sleek black limo, had dinner in a Michelin star restaurant—and got more drunk than you ever had in your entire life.

You hadn’t meant to. Really. But you hadn’t anticipated Oh Sehun.

“What are you doing in Vegas?” you asked him. “I got fired,” he replied, throwing back his head as he swallowed a shot. “What about you?” 

“My boyfriend cheated on me,” you said, shrugging, staring out at the view in front of you. Rooftop access at one of the city’s most luxurious hotels was now something to tick off your bucket list. All thanks to a room mishap.

“Okay, we’re going to need more drinks,” said Sehun, and waved over a waiter. You grinned back as he clinked his glass to yours. Over the course of the next few hours to found yourself pouring out all of your stress to him, while he did the same, telling you nearly his entire life story. 

Oh Sehun was almost the complete opposite of you. He was arrogant, irresponsible, and seemed to think he had no faults.

You, on the other hand, were dedicated, hard-working, and (even though you never admitted it) uptight as hell. It was strange how quickly you opened up to a stranger who was so different from you. 

The night was a blur of loud music, money, and alcohol. You let loose, letting the pulsing music in the club flow through your veins, along with the ridiculous amount of alcohol you’d consumed. You found yourself pressed up against Sehun on more than a few occasions, his flushed face dangerously close to yours. 

“You know,” you yelled over the pounding bass. “It’s funny how connected I feel to you, even though we like, just met.” Sehun grinned. “Don’t get me wrong,” you continued, linking your arms around his neck to pull him closer. “You’re probably the last person on the planet whom I would ever sleep with.”

Sehun’s eyes were dark as he whispered, his lips brushing against your ear. “The feeling’s mutual.” “Good,” you said loudly, but the breath hitched in your throat as his hands found your hips, your bodies moving together against the rhythm. 

And then he was laughing, and you were laughing, and he was too close to you for you to be able to think straight. His lips met yours, and as you tasted the alcohol on his breath, you let go of the last bit of sobriety and let the night envelope you with its madness.

You woke up with your head throbbing. You groaned and turned over, clutching the duvet closer. You realized with a start that you were completely naked. 

 The previous night’s events flooded through your muddled mind, and you bit your lip as you remembered tumbling onto the bed with Sehun. 

“Shit,” you muttered. You sat up and pushed your hair back. Something cool touched your cheek as your fingers brushed past your face. You did a double take as you took in the ring sitting gold and pretty on your finger. 

The ring.

“No no no. Oh god please no. This is not happening.” Oh but it was. Because as you glanced at the mirror in front of the bed, you read the post-it note stuck on it. 

Morning, wifey. We’re at the buffet - Sehun

Fuck.

“Was there any part of the night that you thought, ‘Hey, it’s probably a bad idea to let my drunk best friend marry a random guy?’” you hissed at Nat as you made your way to the table where Sehun and Junmyeon were. Nat just shrugged. “I threw up on Junmyeon. I had no idea what was happening.”

Worst best friend ever.

“I’m-uh-gonna go get some coffee,“ you said, making eye contact with Sehun as you neared the table. 

He caught the hint, and followed you as you made your way instead to one of the lottery machines casually placed right outside the breakfast buffet. “What even is this city,” you muttered, pulling out a quarter from your wallet.

“Good morning,” said Sehun nonchalantly. You smiled thinly. “Last night was…something,” he started. “You can say that again,” you said awkwardly. “You’re a lot of fun,” said Sehun. “I mean…the sex was—“

“Um, I’d rather not,” you cut him off, your face burning. “Right,” said Sehun clearing his throat. “Of course, we now have a tiny little problem of these rings..”

“Yeah, it’s hard to forget,” you said. “We need a divorce.”

For a moment Sehun just stared at you. “Did you just dump me?” You laughed awkwardly. “Well, we obviously hardly know each other—”

“No, no. Of course. Thank god you said it first,” said Sehun, looking relieved. You were slightly taken aback.  “Junmyeon says we need an annulment, not a divorce,” he continued.

You felt strangely annoyed. “Yeah, okay. Sure.”

Sehun let out a breath. “Phew. I’m glad that’s out of the way. Bullet dodged huh?” You raised an eyebrow. 

“I mean, look, I’m sorry. But you just seem like the type of girl who’s looking for a serious relationship, and I’m not…I’m definitely not that guy,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

You stared at him, your annoyance now flaring up.

“No offense, but you seem like a lot of work—” he broke off at the look on your face. “Ah, marriage is an outdated concept, right?” he said awkwardly.

“Yeah, so is immaturity,” you said, snorting. “Pull it together, dude. No wonder you got fired. No one wants an employee who runs away from the slightest problem.”

Sehun stared at you. “Excuse me? And this is coming from a basically robotic woman, who had to come all the way to Vegas and marry a stranger to realize what a mess her life is?”

You gaped at him. “You know what? I’ll send you a fucking email about the annulment. Have a nice day, asshole.”

“You too,” said Sehun, flicking the quarter out of your fingers. “Hey, we’ll always have Vegas right?” he said, and pushed the coin into the machine, pressing down the lever.

“That was mine,” you said scowling, and turned away to storm off. You stopped in your tracks as a loud buzz went off, accompanied by a horn sounding. You whipped around, only to see everyone cheering and yelling, because someone had just won the jackpot money from the machine.

$2,000,000. 

It took a minute for you process what was happening, until Sehun threw his hands up and yelled. “Holy fuck! I’m rich! I’m fucking rich!”

You stared as everyone surrounded him, cheering and congratulating him on his win, and the hotel manager handed him a massive cheque.

Junmyeon and Nat walked over to see what the commotion was about, and their jaws dropped as they saw Sehun standing there with his huge cheque, and equally huge smile on his face.

“That was my quarter,” you said in a daze.

You pushed your way through the throng of people and grabbed the corner of the cheque. Sehun dismissed you with a wave. “I’m the one who pulled the lever. So the money’s mine.”

“Not so fast, baby,” you said, smiling sweetly. “We’re married now, remember? What’s yours is mine.”

You felt a sense of triumph as Sehun’s face dropped with the realization. 

“What a lovely way to celebrate our first day of marriage, hm?”

“This is ridiculous,” muttered Sehun as the two of you exited the court back home a week later. It was by some strange coincidence that Sehun lived in the same town as you.

“Yeah, well, we don’t have a choice, do we? It’s either this and a million dollars each, or nothing,” you said, sighing. 

The judge had ruled that the two of you had to co-exist and attempt to make the ‘marriage’ work for 6 months before you could finalize the divorce. If either of you didn’t co-operate for that amount of time, the money would be tied up in litigation.

Sehun snorted. “We have to live together? And go to weekly counseling sessions? I can’t believe this is happening.”

You rolled your eyes. “This is obviously worse for me. I can’t imagine what your apartment is like.” “At least I have one. Where’s yours, I wonder? Oh, right, you lived with your cheating boyfriend. Sorry,” said Sehun meanly.

“6 months,” you said under your breath as you walked away. “I can do this.”

“See you tomorrow, wifey,” called Sehun sarcastically from behind you.

Just as you’d expected, Sehun’s apartment was a mess. His dirty laundry was lying pretty much everywhere, the bathroom looked as if it hadn’t been cleaned in weeks, and the refrigerator was stuffed with disgusting junk food.

“I can’t do this,” you moaned, as Nat helped you bring in your stuff. “Think about the 1 million dollars,” she reminded you.

Sehun sauntered out of his room, yawning. “Make yourself at home, sweetheart.”

“This is a pig sty,” you said.  It’s one thing if you like a guy and have to put up with stuff like this. But you, I don’t care for. So clean up.”

“Hey, if you have a problem with it, you clean up,” he said shrugging. 

So the rest of the day with was spent with you using anti-bacterial wipes and sprays, trying to make the place as accommodating as you possibly could. By the end of the evening, you were exhausted, and all you wanted to do was get a good night’s sleep. You washed up and made your way to where Sehun was lounging in the living room. 

“Which one of us is taking the couch?” you asked tiredly. Sehun glanced up at you. “I don’t mind. You can use the bedroom,” he said. “Thanks,” you said awkwardly. “Sweet dreams, then.”

And just like that, the first day co-existence was over. You weren’t sure how many more you could take.

Sure enough, after one week of living together, you were pretty sure you were going to go insane. 

Sehun did absolutely nothing the entire day, and seemingly was making no effort to even try and find another job. His logic was that in 6 months, he would be 1 million dollars richer and so didn’t need to work.

But you were still working your ass off at your job, and it pissed you off to come back to a messy apartment with Sehun lying about doing just about jackshit.

And when you told him so, he got annoyed and told you to mind your own business. There was no point in trying to talk to him about anything.

But the two of you put on the biggest show of your lives when you had to visit the marriage counselor. You held hands sweetly, called each other lovable nicknames, and tried your best to make it look like you were in love.

If the counselor thought it looked fake as hell, she didn’t say it. 

“You know, if one of you cheated on the other or something, won’t the innocent person get to keep all the money?” asked Nat a few weeks later.

You nearly choked on your coffee. “What did you just say?”

“I mean, think about it. The person who fucks up and ruins the marriage doesn’t get the money. If you could get Sehun to somehow ‘cheat’ on you…”

A lightbulb went off in your head. “Nat, I think you’re onto something here.” Nat smiled smugly. “What say we throw a little party?”

And so the following weekend, without telling Sehun, you invited a bunch—or not really bunch, more like all the girls you knew—over to the apartment. “Remember girls,” you whispered. “Do and try anything to get into his pants. I doubt it’ll be too difficult.”

You felt a little guilty for tricking him like this. But you’d had enough. 

And so it was with some sort of sickening satisfaction that you observed Sehun get surrounded by girls as soon as he appeared. He gaped at you. “What the fuck?”

“I just wanted to throw a party,” you said innocently. “I hope that’s okay.”

Sehun went red as a girl ran her hand down his chest. “I know what you’re trying to do,” he said, smiling. “And let me tell you, two can play at this game.”

You feigned ignorance and shrugged. “Have fun!”

But a half hour later, you realized you had underestimated him. Because not only did he manage to avoid making out with even one girl, but he also invited over his own friends.

His very hot friends.

Junmyeon was there, and so were a few others you’d never met. “Whoa, Sehun, this is your wife?” said one of them. “Dude, why the hell are you getting a divorce? She’s hot!”

You went red. Sehun coughed. “Shut up, Baekhyun,” said Junmyeon, smacking the guy who’d spoken in the arm.

This was going to be a long night.

It seemed as though Sehun had instructed his friends to do quite the opposite of what you’d asked your friends to do. Except for Baekhyun, the others avoided you every time you tried to talk to one of them.

You took an angry sip of your beer when the tall, cute one called Chanyeol politely excused himself out of a conversation with you. You locked eyes with Sehun from across the room and he smirked.

The party just got wilder and wilder. Soon enough, the music was blaring loud enough for you to get a headache, and you stumbled into the bathroom for some quiet.

To your surprise, Sehun was sitting there on the closed toilet seat. He raised his eyebrow as you came in.

“Tired already?”

“Not at all,” you lied. “But you must be. This must be so hard for you. Not being able to sleep with any of those girls even though you’re dying to? Go ahead, Sehun. Why don’t you just give in?”

Sehun laughed. “Do you really think I’m dumb enough to cheat on you?”

“I think it’s only a matter of time,” you replied. “Well, you’re wrong,” he said. “I can manage fine without chicks.”

You snorted. “Yeah, okay.”

“Don’t worry about me,” he said, standing up and walking over to you. “I’m a married man. And I am not screwing this thing up.” He was suddenly too close.

You stared up at him, unnerved at his proximity to you. His nose was almost touching yours. “Neither am I, Sehun,” you whispered. “I’m gonna go till the end of this.”

“Till death do us apart,” he said, his voice low. Your heart hammered in your chest.

“Not unless I kill you first.”

After that, it was war. The both of you tried everything possible to sabotage the other. 

Sehun shut your alarm off one day, and you couldn’t wake up in time for work. You fumed as you pulled the clothes over yourself in a hurry, not even realizing that Sehun walked right in on you changing.

“Nice grandma panties,” he observed. You threw a pillow at him.

“What happened to the lace ones you wore in Vegas? Those were nice,” he continued, unbothered by your rage.

“I’m saving those for a husband who isn’t a complete jerk,” you snapped. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be extremely late to work thanks to you.”

“You’re welcome!” he called as you rushed out of the house.

As payback, you decided not to remind Sehun about the meeting with the counselor the next weekend. You sat there smugly as she shook her head at his ‘irresponsibility’. 

Sehun looked ready to murder when you went back home. “Real mature, Y/N.” You just shrugged. “Hey, it isn’t my job to remind you. If you really wanted to work on this marriage, you would’ve been there.”

The look on his face was worth everything.

But as the weeks went by, strangely enough, it soon began to feel more like fun than an annoyance. You felt as if you were going crazy. 

Because now you were getting used to him. You were just so used to having Sehun around all the time, that a small part of you was dreading when he would no longer be. 

You felt as though you would miss him, even his stupid pranks. He’d become some sort of a frenemy to you. Some nights, you’d just sit there and argue on the couch about what movie to watch, and he’d steal all your popcorn. Or you’d make a meal together, fighting but laughing all the while about what ingredients to use.

Once, when you were doubled up in pain from period cramps, he actually went out and got you some painkillers and a tub of ice cream, even though he grumbled about it all the while. 

The gesture touched you in a way you’d never imagined. But you were careful not to let Sehun know. There was no point, what with just a few months left of this arrangement. You would be going your two separate ways, each with a million dollars, and would never look back.

You hated to admit to yourself that it was going to hurt.

“It’s your birthday, babes. We’re going out,” said Nat, pulling you out of bed. You groaned. “I think I’ve had enough of your crazy ideas. I hope you realize that the last time I went out to party I got drunk and got married.”

“Sehun, would you please convince your wife to have a little fun on her birthday?” Nat called, ignoring you. Sehun appeared in the doorway. “I didn’t know it was your birthday,” he said. You rolled your eyes. “And the best husband award goes to..”

Sehun shrugged. “I know a great nightclub. Let’s go. You, me, Nat and Junmyeon. It’ll be like Vegas all over again.”

You bit your lip. “That’s exactly what I don’t want it to be like.”

But later that night, you were being dragged along anyway, in a tight black dress you hadn’t worn in ages. You must’ve imagined the way Sehun looked at you, his ears going slightly red at the tips.

You were frankly tired of loud music and alcohol. And so you sat at the bar while Nat when crazy on the dance floor, pulling Junmyeon along with her.

To your surprise, Sehun sat with you. “I don’t like this song,” he said simply. You hid a smile. When had he suddenly got so considerate?

You stirred your mocktail. “Weird, isn’t it? In a month or so we won’t be married anymore.” The words were out of your mouth before you could stop them.

Sehun was silent for a few minutes, and you almost wished you hadn’t said anything. 

“Yeah, weird. But we can keep in touch,” he said finally. You nodded awkwardly. “I guess.”

You suddenly felt as though a heavy weight was settling over your chest. The flashing lights and music ringing in your ears were all at once overwhelming.

You stood up abruptly. “I’m gonna go get some air.” You didn’t wait to hear his response, quickly making your way out of the club, pushing through the crowd of people.

Once outside, you took a couple of deep breaths. You had to pull it together. There was no way in hell you were suddenly getting feelings for Sehun. You were not going to let it happen. 

“Y/N?”

You turned at the mention of your name. And felt your whole body freeze.

It was him. The man you’d vowed never to see ever again. The man you’d wasted a year of your life with, only to have him break your heart. You automatically took a step back.

He held his arms up defensively. “I just want to talk.” “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say,” you spat. “You don’t get to fuck other girls and then expect me believe anything you say.”

“Whoa. It was one girl. And it was an accident. You know that. I was stressed out, drunk—”

You gaped at him. “So? I’ve been stressed too, asshole. That didn’t mean I cheated on you. You’re pathetic.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I just-I saw you here and everything came back to me. Seeing you looking so good, it just—I want you back,” he said, taking a step towards you, grabbing your hand.

You tried to snatch away from his grip. “Let go of me.” 

“Not until you let me make it up to you,” he said, pulling you closer. You shoved him in the chest, but he didn’t budge. You felt sudden fear wash over you. You just wanted to get away from him and his disgusting touch. 

And then suddenly, he was being pulled away from you by someone strong, stumbling backward. Your eyes widened as you saw who it was. “What the fuck are you doing?” asked Sehun calmly, looking at him levelly in the eye.

Your ex-boyfriend roughly pulled his arm away. “Why the fuck do you care?” he sneered. “Did he hurt you?” asked Sehun, looking at you. You shook your head, swallowing. 

Your ex stared at you. “Who is this guy, Y/N?” Before you could reply, Sehun spoke. “I’m her husband,” he said, smiling. “So you better get the fuck away from her.”

He gaped at Sehun. And then at you. And then he laughed. “This is a joke, right? You’re telling me you left me and then immediately found this guy to fuck and marry? Shit, Y/N. I underestimated you. I didn’t think you were such a slu—”

He was cut off by Sehun punching him square in the jaw. “Oh my god, Sehun, stop!” you yelled, grabbing him to pull him back. Your ex-boyfriend’s eyes were alive in rage as he swung forward, aiming for Sehun’s face, but he ducked in time.

Just then, as if a godsend, Junmyeon ran out of the club, panting. “Hey, hey! Break it up, man,” he said, quickly stepping between the two men. Sehun’s face was calm, like it always was, but you could see the silent fury in his eyes.

Your ex spat on the ground, his lip bleeding. “You’re fucking crazy. All of you.” “Get lost,” you said in a low voice. “I mean it. I don’t want to ever see you again.” 

And then you were pulling Sehun with you and walking away, Junmyeon following behind.

You winced as Sehun slammed the door of the apartment shut. “What a fucking asshole,” he muttered, throwing himself onto the couch. 

“Thanks for sticking up for me back there,” you said, awkwardly sitting down next to him. He rolled his eyes. “You don’t need to thank me. It was just my first instinct. To protect you.”

You felt a blush creep up onto your cheeks. To your astonishment, Sehun also went red, as if he was surprised at his words.

“Look, I know this is probably going to sound really strange, but I don’t think I want this divorce any more,” he blurted.

You stared at him in shock. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I think I want to stay married. To you,” he said, turning away in embarrassment. “But why?” you asked, bewildered. Was there a chance...?

“I like you, okay?” said Sehun abruptly. “I like annoying you, and I like fighting with you, and I like sitting here doing nothing with you. This sounds cheesy as fuck, but it’s true. Yo-you make me happy. Even though I know I probably don’t show it at all.”

You started to smile. “I don’t want the divorce either. I want to try and make this work. Our marriage is probably the most unconventional and crazy thing that has ever happened in my incredibly boring life so far. I never realized how much I needed someone like you, Sehun.”

He started to laugh. “I seriously did not think it would come to this. What the hell do we tell the court now?”

“That we somehow fell in love over 6 months and decided to stay together?” you suggested. Sehun raised an eyebrow. “Did you just say the L-word?”

“Maybe,” you said, feeling dangerous as you scooted closer to him. He tilted his head slightly, his lips inches from yours.

“I don’t know how long I’ve held back,” he murmured, and then his lips were on yours, and your heart was alive.

When you pulled away from the kiss, breathless, you felt as though every nerve in your body was on fire. “Well, what do you want to do with 2 million dollars?” you asked, dazed. Sehun smirked. “Late honeymoon?” You giggled. “We really won the jackpot, didn’t we?”

“I know I did,” said Sehun. “I won you.”

You burst out laughing. “Dude, if you don’t stop being so sappy I might have to re-think that divorce.”

Sehun just grinned. 

“I guess what happens in Vegas doesn’t really stay in Vegas, does it?”

A/N: I really really hoped you liked it as much as I loved writing it! Seriously, this was so much fun to imagine! Please do send me your thoughts :)

[thelonesomequeen]

“I don’t think they were FWB that she took seriously, and he didn’t. They were a couple. They tried it again.” - may I ask why you feel that they werent’ FWB, but a serious couple, when all we had round 1 was few photos where they didn’t seem to be that close to each other, more like him walking in front of her (at airports or at Disney park), and not giving her attention? You must have a reason why you think this way. From the images with them, he didn’t seem to be too emotionally invested in her, no heart eyes or anything like that from his part. I don’t get why do you give her more importance that she seemed to have. Also when smb. said she’d be capable of doing a stunt and going to get a job in NYC, one of the mods said it would be beneath her. Why do you think she’d not be capable of that? We’re talking about a person who left her own husband for Chris. I often see this good opinion about her in your responses. I don’t say you should agree trashing her, but this contradicts what we’ve all seen in her tweets - that proves she has a low character and she’s capable of anything to get what she wants.

================

Thank you for your submission.

HEY! Here comes an OPINION:

During Round 1, yes, I saw all the pictures and everything to suggest he wasn’t that into her. I figured that this was some kind of thing like “let’s make it look like it was more than fucking and we got caught.” You see how easily people forgave Brad and Angelina when they blew up his marriage, and people were even in here (pre-divorce) trying to use them as an example of how affairs sometimes are products of love that happens at the wrong time but oh well. Shit happens. For a bit, I thought maybe he was sticking with her to prove that he wasn’t intentionally being gross, and trying to sell the real, happy couple shit in the beginning which was how it was presented in the media, despite photographic evidence that suggests otherwise. I believed that until it kept dragging on and on and on. By the time they got to DW that time, I was over it, and not really giving a shit about him. I didn’t really care that they broke up later. I just keep up with things for the blog, honestly.

That whole Vulture thing, the way he was portraying himself as unbothered and jumping out of planes and having panties in the pool party made it seem like he was happy to be rid of that trash, and good riddance. Those Gifted premiere pictures were so forced. It seemed pretty clear that was done, and maybe I was right about the whole trying to make an affair look like it’s legit thing. There was also a part of me that thought maybe he was also acting ashamed of her or their situation that he acted so distant in pictures and hid away in his house the whole time. Like a coward. Like a shitty boyfriend. Sweet in private and distant in public.

When they showed up again, and Round 2 started, I was semi-surprised. Not surprised because this is Chris and the only thing he is married to is his patterns, but surprised because I thought after all that shit, he’d finally ended up with someone who was so messy that he might not go back to that pattern. Him going back showed me that he really wasn’t shit, and he chose her not once but twice. This time there was no “fixing an affair PR mess” or trying to look cute to sell their movie thing I could pin it on. He actually likes this mess. He’s okay with her. Are they madly, passionately in love? Not from what I can see. A man who loves a woman won’t act the way he does. No, he doesn’t need to scream it from the rooftops, but he also doesn’t need to act so distant with her. In Round 2, everyone is going to get mad at this, but his little piecemeal shit like going to D.C. Not caring she was in the dodger videos, interacting with her on twitter, bringing her to Christmas and DW, those are his little sad offerings to show he’s with her, but really, he’s not down for her. It’s just enough little crumbs for some people, little nuggets of acknowledgement, but not anything really great. I think what they had was legit FOR THEM, but not necessarily real like they were in it for the long haul, and they were determined to make it this time, because you see these two people who clearly are wrong for each other, living by very different rules, who have clashed on how public they live their lives , how they want to navigate their careers, and are both insecure, and they are changing their behavior to try to make a size 6 shoe fit a size 13 foot. Ain’t happening.

As for me, I don’t really care much about Chris these days. I’m just not invested in the whole thing anymore, and because of that, I don’t see things the way I used to, and I don’t look for things that aren’t there because I am so detached from the situation that I have nothing to win or lose either way. Back when I cared, I could see some kind of sign in everything. Maybe this post means they’re done. Maybe that post is some kind of way to show us they’re back. Maybe this. Maybe that. So that’s how now I can sit here and think that maybe he did like her during Round 1, and he must have to go for Round 2. And that’s gross, but it is what it is, and I’m not bothered to say that, because I don’t care.

A FWB situation? My OPINION? No. Chris can get kitty from anywhere, anytime, and probably has had regulars in ATL. It is available on tap if he wants it, so why would he pick the neediest, more indiscreet, messiest ex who helped play a part in chipping away at his good image? Ease of access? Yeah, because Hollywood guys have such a hard time getting laid. Someone he trusts? Yeah, because she’s a quiet, honest person who wouldn’t dare spill secrets, right? I’ve heard so many narratives that don’t make sense to me. His family doesn’t like her? We don’t know that, and if that were the case, he’s going to bring around a someone who is just a FWB even if they can’t stand her? It’s all for PR? How does it benefit him exactly? Hardly anyone cared they’re together, because it wasn’t quite the same rollout they did as last time. I’m still seeing people saying “oh they’re together?” That is, if they even care at all, because I really don’t think people do.

I also see people saying that they’re FWB, but she keeps pushing the relationship narrative, and he’s just letting her even though he doesn’t want that. I need to ask why? Who is that chill about being forcibly labeled as a couple with someone they’re not in a relationship with? Who would allow that to continue to be the public perception if that’s not what they want? This just sounds like he’s a victim, and she’s this evil demon forcing him to do all these things, and it’s frankly, gross, but also unrealistic. He’s a grown ass man. No one is forcing him to do anything. He’s not just being nice. No one is that nice. If he’s there with her, it’s because he wants to be. No man would let his FWB mark their territory, out it out to the world, and then force their way into family holidays and trips. That’s not how FWB works. You’re friendly, you fuck, but you don’t go deep and get all up in their family and their lives because that’s what a relationship is. There’s a fine line you don’t cross with a FWB, and they were crossing them.

And yes, she has a low character, but he keeps fucking with her so I don’t know what else to tell you except it is what it is. Just because he’s not being demonstrative with her doesn’t mean he doesn’t see her as a legit girlfriend and doesn’t like her. Just means he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t have it in him to be down for her, but wants her love and attention and praise. To me, it seems like they both use each other for some kind of validation. That’s just my OPINION. ☕️

[jake-guentzel-59]

Shoot your Shot Part 1 - Auston Matthews

Now this is my first imagine and don’t be mad if you actually like it because it doesn’t have a lot of Auston in it all. I want this to be a series if people actually like it  maybe like 4 or 5 parts? I feel like you need to get the main character first so most of this is about her. I’m working on part 2 and if this part has a good response I’ll post part 2 sometime tomorrow. Sorry again for the lack of Auston. Words: 1810 Warnings: Some cursing, mentions of some penguins players ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Finally being able to go a NHL game and watch your two favourite teams play is like a dream come true. The Penguins have always been your number one team but moving to Toronto has made you fall in love with the Maple Leafs. Auston Matthews may also have something to do with your new-found love for them. Moving to Toronto has been one of the best things that has ever happened to my family. My mom and dad got a pretty nasty divorce a couple of months ago. They never got along and were always fighting when they were together. He caught my mom cheating with his best friend. It broke his heart, I don’t think I've ever seen him so sad before. He ended up moving to Toronto after getting the job of Head of Peds Surgery at The Hospital for Sick Children and taking my 4-year-old sister Madeline with him. I stayed with my mom in Quebec to finish the last month of senior year with all my friends but the day after graduation, I hopped on a plane straight to Toronto. Me and my mom never got along, we would always be fighting and yelling at each other, so I couldn’t wait to get to Toronto. I had a great summer here, maybe even the best summer I've ever had. I met a lot of great people. A couple of days ago my dad saved the life of 6-year-old boy. He suffered from a brain injury. It was a very difficult surgery; about 5 hours long. They kept losing him and didn't think he was going to make it. But he was a fighter and pulled through. His father was so grateful that my dad was able to pull it off. Him and his son came to Toronto to see the Leafs game but they couldn’t go due to his sons' surgery so he offered, scratch that, he MADE my dad take the tickets for everything he did. My dad never really followed hockey, only watched games when I was watching them, so he gave me the tickets and I took a friend with me. She was a huge Leafs fan so she was ecstatic when I told her I was taking her.

 It was game day and I couldn’t be more excited. I thought about wearing my Geno jersey to support the Pens but I decided that wasn’t a good idea going to a Leafs home game. I decided on just wearing a blue shirt seeing as I didn’t own a Toronto jersey. I had a tough time trying to find something seeing as me and group of friends were going out afterwards to celebrate my 19th birthday. I wouldn't have time to go home and change after the game, so I was trying to find something that wasn’t too flashy to wear to the game but nothing to boring to wear to a club. Finally finding an appropriate outfit, I started doing my hair and makeup.   "Logan, can you come downstairs for a minute?" My dad yelled. "Yeah, I'll be down in just a second!" I replied, finishing up my makeup. Making my way down the stairs, I'm greeted at the bottom by my dad, Madeline and my best friend Kenzie. Dad holding a cake with lit candles, Madeline had some balloons and Kenzie was holding Madeline. All of them wearing birthday hats. "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Logan, Happy birthday to you!" They all sang.   "Thank you guys so much!" I exclaimed, after blowing out the candles. "LOG, I made you a gift!" Madeline yelled excitedly squirming out of Kenzies arms. She went running into the living room and came running back out with a poorly wrapped gift that you could tell she did herself. After she handed it to me I opened it up to reveal a framed picture she painted of me and her. It had macaroni, feathers, pom-poms and way too much glitter.   "Thank you so much Mads, I'm gonna hang it on my wall so I can see it every day." I told her giving her a big hug. Madeline, or Mads as I call her, is only person I'm closer to than my dad. When she was born she had a heart defect and doctors didn’t think that she would survive. I knew the moment I first held her that I would do anything in the world just to protect her. "I'm glad you love it so much" She said. "I love it almost so much as I love you" I told her kissing her cheek. "Alright, time for my present" Dad said handing me a gift bag. I opened it up it find an Austin Matthews jersey. "I know you wanted to wear your Dino jer-"He started "Dad, its Geno" I corrected him laughing "Whatever or whoever it is, I know you wanted to wear his jersey but I also knew you secretly wanted to this guys jersey more, so I got Kenzie to help me out because I have no idea who any of this people are" He stated. "Thank you guys so much" I said giving them both hugs, "It's my second favourite present" I told them winking at Mads. "Well you never got my gift yet, just wait till we get the club after the game. I'm gonna get you fuc-… fudge, yeah I'm gonna get you fudge!" Kenzie corrected herself after my dad gave her a look because Mads was in the room. My dad was used to giving Kenzie this look. My best friend is very talkative, outgoing, and tends to say more curses than a grown man. My dad wasn't too sure of her the first time he met her but Mads just loved her. I met her my second day in Toronto at a small café. She works there as a barista and when I ordered my coffee, she wouldn’t shut up about how much she loved my make-up and that I had to do hers later that night because she had a 'hot date'. She wouldn't take no for an answer, so I needed up doing her make-up for her date. We talked and got to know each other very well. Later that night at about 1 or 2 in the morning, I got a text from her saying that because of my make-up skills, I helped her get the love her life and also the best sex of her life. They have been dating for about 3 months and they're hands down the cutest couple I've ever seen. Kenzie would have my back for anything. She's helped me through my parents' divorce and to get over my summer fling. I would be lost without her. "Well it's 7:30 now so you guys should be heading out now if you want to make it on time" Dad told us pushing us out the door. Kenzie decided on driving to the game, leaving the jeep there after the game and getting an Uber to the club. She wasn’t too worried about leaving the jeep there because it was her brothers and she didn’t care what happened to it. Her and her brother were nowhere as close as me and Mads. Also, according to her both of us needed to get very fucked up tonight because I didn't live in Toronto for her 19th so we had to make up for lost time. "I'm so excited for this game. Maybe you'll even catch a certain Mr. Matthews eye with your new jersey if the seats are close enough." She said wiggling her eyebrows "Where are we sitting anyways?" "Yes, I'm going to make him fall in love with me while I'm screaming at refs at all of their stupid calls but I believe were glass seats near the Toronto bench but I'm not sure, I don't know my way around the ACC that good yet" I stated. The rest of the 20-minute drive was just us screaming singing, very badly may I add, to our favourite songs. We finally made it to our seats just in time for warm up to start. Our seats were glass seats right next to the Leafs bench. Kenzie insisted that I had to sit in the seat closest to the bench because there's no way my future husband wasn't sitting on that bench. Ever since me and my summer fling broke things off, she has been trying to set me up with just about any guy that looked my way. She says I'm too pretty to just waste life away by myself but I'm perfectly fine without a boy. I don't think I need a guy so I'm not really out looking but I happen to stumble upon a good one I wouldn’t say no. "Oh my god there's Geno and Jake and Crosby, this is the best day ever!" I exclaimed to Kenzie "I think you might be at the wrong home game, like how are not excited over Marner, Matthews or Nylander. My god Logan you're wearing a Matthews jersey at least pay some attention to the Leafs." She said to me laughing. "Yeah yeah whatever, I guess you are right though. Matthews looks pretty damn good in person" I told her laughing as well, "These seats are amazing, I'm gonna have to go to the hospital and thank the guy who gave them to my dad. You know what, there's still 15 minutes left of warm up I'm gonna go get something for him and his son. I'll be back in a few minutes" I walked out to the concession stand area. They were selling everything Toronto out there. I picked them out some small things like a Toronto teddy bear, foam finger, and a bunch of other knick knacks. Remembering how the dad was saying he was going to buy his son a jersey at the game to surprise him, I even picked up a small jersey for the little boy. Making it back to my seat with 5 minutes left of warm up. "Good your back, now I really think you should shoot your shot with Matthews and if that doesn’t work try Nylander. Now I know Matthews has a reputation of sleeping around a lot but I think you could tame hi-" Kenzie started before she was interrupted by a puck hitting the glass. "Jesus Christ!" I screamed while jumping. I was too busy listening to Kenzies’ 'plan' that it scared me more than it should have. "Who did that?' I asked as we both searched the ice to find the source. "I believe it was your future husband" She said as she pointed towards the ice. I followed her finger to Marner laughing and Matthews waving at us. "I guess he's shooting his shot first" I said waving back to him.  

[katosthoughts]

Entry 1: A New Era

04.25.20

Man. Where to begin. To start with now or the reflection? Hmm. Let’s go reflection leading into present day, then a sprinkle of potential future goals. *mind you, it is 5am and I’ve been up for hoursss, but we’ll get to that*

Rereading these entries this morning brought a lot of emotion out of me, although that’s not surprising. I probably needed a good cry and I feel like I have been putting this off for awhile (what else is new?). So much of what I said at 21 resonates with me. I am that girl. That girl was me. While about four years doesn’t seem long, it feels like an entire lifetime ago. In those four years I had some of the most extreme highs and absolute lows. I lost 4 important people in my life, relationships, work, mental health. It all felt like such an extreme range of emotion that I almost feel numb at this point.

College. What an absolute high. I wish I knew it then, that it would be the happiest I was. I had the best roommate all four years of school, I took amazing classes with the best teacher in the entire fucking world (thank you, LUKE), and I had a pretty amazing group of friends by the end of it. Not to mention I got to live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Like fuck, I was so blessed to live my own life in such an amazing place. I was was a decision maker, I was excited, I was surrounded by good people. I wish I would have known then, that life was slowly going to devour me over the next three years. I wish I would have soaked up a few more lessons or late nights in the lab. I wish I would have taken a few more memories. I really thought that life would be better when I was out of college and independent, living my own life with no one but myself.

I wish I would have known then that the life I had in Santa Fe, was the closest I was to living my own existence. Upon returning back to California post grad, I made it home for my last Mother’s Day with my mom. I immediately shifted into caregiver mode once I had moved back. Going through the procedures of making sure she takes her meds at the right time/correct doseges, learning how to change a stomach bag and keeping her clean. I just did what I was told and I did my best to give my mom the most comfortable existence. I know I was still difficult sometimes. I was so mad at the universe, at her, at myself. Just so much anger. I also battled a lot with myself about who I was. Who did I want to be? Who do I have to be for my family? All of that is still unfortunately relevant. After she passed I was angry with everyone. I turned to Kathleen as my light and I pushed everyone else away, in the same breath I’ll also say that in this period of time I also started seeing my then boyfriend so you know. Complex. A piece of me believes that I used my relationship to help me cope. I used it so I wouldn’t have to feel the emence amount of sadness and grief I was feeling. I did love him too. It wasn’t one sided, but I think it played a big a roll at the time. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I had to move out of my moms house that I was living in with only my step dad, I didn’t know if I was going to move in with family or if I was going to be independent, I didn’t have a job, I had ZERO drive to be creative and I just floated. Spur of the moment in late October 2018 I rented the first place I saw. It’s a nice little condo in paramount. It was mine. For the first time in my life, all of my stuff could be in one place. I know that sounds stupid but growing up with divorced parents and then adding a third bedroom when you’re in college, it got chaotic trying to keep track of things. Finally. This was all mine. When I got this place I had just started working for a luxury brand as a seasonal stock associate that I was later promoted to regular stock associate and then I was also working as a freelance graphic designer with a marketing firm. It was going well until about January 2019. I stopped working with the marketing firm and it shook my confidence. I also took the job because it was a connection, and graphic design, what could go wrong? I feel like I never fully found my voice in my work, then to work for someone else with an entirely different voice than what you sorta know is jarring.

Around this time the then boyfriend was looking for a new place. I knew it was way too fucking soon but I just lost my biggest income and I wasn’t sure what to do and it seemed like an okay idea and we knew each other from Santa Fe so it’s more like ‘home’. So he moves in. That was probably the start of the end. When he moved in I was not fully unpacked. (Its 2020 and I’m still not unpacked) and then we added all of his boxes to mine. It never got unpacked (see?). A month or so after he moved in, in May of 2019, i started my second retail job selling jewelry in the same mall. My life became dominated by work. I worked 40-50 weeks with sometimes, no days off. He and I continued to live, and we both eventually were holding two jobs. Four incomes and we still struggled to balance out. We lived in mess and disorganization and chaos 24-7. I was always frustrated, I felt that I carried both of us sometimes and I was never happy. This translated into our relationship. We had a rough stint from October 2019 to January 2020. It was a nightmare of a time. We still lived together but it was rough. We tried to work on things and then COVID-19 happened. I suddenly wasn’t working at all, and he is an essential worker. He works a minimum 6 days a week. This put strain on our rebuild. I’m sure I also didn’t help but the new stresses didn’t help too. Which all led to a one time drunken night. Against better judgement I let a friend come over and the three of us drunkenly talked and had a good time. I fell asleep early and was later awoken by noises no one wants to hear wen you’re 1/2 of a couple and the other 1/2 is with the 3rd. I know what I heard and walked out on that night. I know the story he is telling me. And I know the stance that she is taking. None of them add up but that’s where I just have to decide what’s next. Post grad life. Absolute low

The nights are heardest. I wake up 2:30-3:30 every morning without fail. I can’t help but think about it. What did I do wrong? I know we were struggling but why didn’t he just come to bed? I ache with so much sadness in my heart for what feels like the wrong reasons. I feel that there was more I probably could have done but I am living this out as a sign. The universe told me to open a new fucking chapter so I am. I have some design goals that are also life goals so I love that. First, I want to work on my portfolio. I know lindafinegold probably isn’t hiring but that brand voice is what I am craving. I want to work on my portfolio and a few projects that let me sit in that, marinate, see if it’s my flavor. If it is I only hope I can figure out a way to get noticed. Second, I want to work more on a personal project. Probably something small to start. I loved making stickers before. Maybe start there. Third, I’d like to go to the fucking gym again but covid. bitch.

The final side piece I’d like to say is that I love you Steven Garcia. I found out in January you passed, one week after my grandma. You passed in October 2019 and I didn’t know. I’m sorry I never checked in with you after I moved. I always missed you. For I’m sure, more than a year, you were a light in my life. My friend. My dude. My homie. I will never forget the kindness and love you showed me. The long drives through Santa Fe. The after work beers. The holidays we spent together. The weird movies we were into. I cried, I wept, I screamed, I think I even slammed my head in the wall because I didn’t want any of it to be true. In those moments I wanted to take all your pain and suffering. I don’t know what happened to you but I hope you are free. I will always cherish our puppy dog days. Rest In Peace homie, I love you.

If you’re someone out there reading this, I’m sorry? Thank you? Although I write for no audience, sometimes I need to dump my brain and I appreciate if you’re listening. I hope I continue to do this. I spent one hour typing and reflecting and it is maybe the most relaxed I feel in awhile.

Until next time. x

[topimagines]

Disney Part 3- Josh Dun

You had decided to skype family once you were back on the bus. Josh’s parents were thrilled. Your parents already knew because Josh had asked you father about three weeks back if he could marry you. Abby and Ashley knew too, they kept asking about the wedding but you just laughed knowing that probably won’t be for another year or so. There was only one more person to tell. Your sister Annie. You first texted her asking if you to could talk. About 15 minutes later you got a call. It was Annie, she sounded kind of pissed when you answered the phone.

“So when were you planning on telling me you left. Huh? Can’t you stop being so selfish and think of others for once.”

“Annie I wanted to tell-”

“No Y/N” she was screaming through the phone. You never did good with yelling and this brought a few tears to your eyes. Josh sat next to you and just gave your hand a reassuring squeeze that it would be ok. He could hear her calling you useless, selfish, slut, and all these other names. He so badly wanted to take the phone out of your hand and yell back at her,but he knew better not to interject.

After her screaming at you for about 2 minutes you finally took a deep breath and spoke.

“Annie, look I know we’ve had our differences but you’re making this a lot harder than it needs to be. I know you have a lot of stress but i’m not your punching bag. I wanted to call you and tell you that me and Josh just got engaged. It’s a really exciting time in my life right now and I would like for you and your sons to be involved in it.” You stayed as calm as possible knowing you could say a few words about her but deciding against it.

“WAIT A MINUTE. YOU’RE CALLING ME TO TELL ME YOU’RE ENGAGED TO THAT NO GOOD JOSH DUN. YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING RIGHT? I’VE TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HIM. HE’S JUST GOING TO USE YOU AND DESTROY YOUR LIFE.” You just looked at Josh as he heard the entire conversation. With that he reached for you ear to pull away the phone. He got up and took your phone with him off of the bus. You couldn’t hear what they were saying but you knew Josh was mature enough to not say anything to bad to her.

Jenna joined you on the couch until Josh came back with your phone in his hand and an angry look on his face.

“She’ll call you back tomorrow.”He said as he handed you your phone and walked off to the bunk. You joined him after thinking about what could have been said to piss him off so much.

“Josh? Babe what is making you so pissed.”You asked kind of sheepishly being intimidated by his anger.

“I just can’t stand watching her walk all over you. Since I’ve known you it’s always been this way. Babe you’re such a strong person. Why are you letting her treat you this way?” You both just looked into eachothers eyes.

“I’m not really sure. It’s just always been like this.”

He let out a small sigh. “I can’t watch you get hurt like that. I saw it in your eyes. I always do.”

“Thanks Josh.” You said as you climbed into the small bunk and curled up against him.

“For what?”

“Dealing with my sister for me. You’re right it hurt like hell listening to her shit talk me and you. Also for not being mad for this kind of ruining our day.”

“This would never ruin our day. I’ll always be there for you and you better believe that because I love you so, so freaking much.”

With that you two yet again fell asleep tangle with one another. You loved this man with all your heart and you loved that he was yours forever.

You phone woke you up at 2:30 in the morning. Who was calling you at 2:30am?

“Hello?”you whispered into your phone as you climbed out of the bunk over to the living room area in the bus.

There was no response just a quiet cry.

“Annie? Is that you? What’s wrong?” As much as you couldn’t stand your sister she was still family so you had to be concerned.

“Y/N. Josh cheated on you. You have to leave there now. I wanted to tell you before but I just couldn’t.”she was slurring her words which meant she was probably drinking from the time she got off the phone with josh until now.

“Annie what do you mean?” You didn’t know if you should believe her or not. You knew she was just probably looking for attention because that’s what she always is looking for but at the same time it would make sense if Josh did. I mean you were far from perfect and Josh could literally get anyone.

“Josh is bad news. I’ve always told you that. When you first started dating and I was going through my divorce he kissed me and started texting me asking if we could hook up.” You heard a smile in her voice which indicated she was lying. You knew all your sisters little tricks and games.

“Why are you doing this to me? Just because your marriage failed and now you’re miserable doesn’t mean you have to ruin everyone else’s relationships. I’m sick of this Annie. Me and Josh love each other and I’m not letting you and your games you love playing get in the way of this. I’m seriously sick of getting stepped all over by you. I don’t understand what I did to you, but ever since we were kids you have done things to hurt me. I’ve been there for you and your boys since you and Mark split up. I moved in with you to take care of them. I gave up my life for you and those boys. Now I can’t help feeling bad for them because they have you as their mother.” You felt bad saying that last part but you needed to say it. You hoped it would make her realize that she is an awful person to you and teacher her kids  her poor ways.

“Listen Annie if you don’t support this relationship, I don’t care. You need to pull your shit together though because you have 3 amazing kids to take care of. I mean it. I’m done with you. When you get your life back on track call me.” With that you hung up not wanting to heard her excuses or hurtful words.

“Now that’s what I’ve been wanting you to do for so long.” Josh said breaking the silence and hugging you from behind.

“Josh did you cheat on me.” You asked in an emotionless tone which made Josh pull away from you and you turned are and looked in his eyes. They were so soft and had a confused look to them.

“Did Annie say I did. Y/N I would never think of doing that. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did.”

“Yeah she told me you kissed her and you were trying to hook up with her. I know she was lying but I couldn’t help but get upset and curious. I mean you could have anyone you want, but for some reason you chose me. A nobody. I don’t really understand why though-” Josh cut you off and held up your hand that had the engagement ring on it.

“Do you really think I would give this to just anyone.” he said she he gestured to the beautiful ring on your hand. “Y/N your not a nobody to me. You’re my everything. I’m with you because I feel in love with you the first time I met you. Your smile made my heart melt and once we started dating I knew that you were the one. Stop putting yourself down saying I could have anyone because it’s not true. I really did mean what I said. You’re my one and only Y/N.”

He leaned into kiss you and you smiled while kissing him. You couldn’t wait to get married, start a family, and grow old with Josh. You trusted him and knew he was a great person. You were so lucky you got a loving, kind, handsome guy to fall in love with you. Josh made all your fears, doubts, and troubles disappear. He made you one of the happiest people on Earth.

Okay this was the last part of the Disney series. I really hope you ll enjoyed it. 

I’m using writing as a distraction from my personal issues right now and could use some more ideas for writing. Please make requests. I will write basically everything as long as its not written towards a certain person. I like giving the readers the ability of creating themselves int he story by putting their own name or characteristics.

I might post a short smut tomorrow...... Tell me if you ant it to be with Josh or Tyler. 

[ilvsyzj]

Chapter Twenty-Five: Researching Yin Yang Dragon and Yin Yang Royal Couple.

Week #3: Day 2, Tuesday, 12/15/2020

      When I woke up the bombing has stopped, and Sky was still in bed with me. I grabbed my phone to see what time it was. It was 10 am. Sky was hugging me so I got out of bed to go to the bathroom. When I came back from the bathroom, Sky was up. 

Sky: Morning. -smiling- 

Jazzy: Morning. -smiling- 

Sky: How are you feeling?

Jazzy: A bit better. 

Sky: It takes time. Also, don’t give yourself so much stress. You are doing very well as Co-Captain. Don’t let Brandy’s personality get to you. She’s always whine and complain when she doesn’t want to do something, or someone is making her do something that she doesn’t like. Just focus the job at hand. If you let people’s personality get to you, you’re going to go crazy and you’re going to quit before you accomplish your mission. -getting out of bed- 

    While Sky was in the bathroom, I fed Toothless and Snow. After feeding the cats, I thought about what Sky said. I was so deep in thought that I didn’t realize that Toothless was on my lap, until Toothless bob me in the nose with his paw. 

Jazzy: Mhm? -looking down at Toothless- 

Toothless: You’re still look stress. 

Jazzy: I am. 

Toothless: -rubbing his head underneath my chin- Believe in yourself. You can do it. 

Jazzy: -smiling- Thanks. 

Toothless: -purring- 

    Toothless continue to purr as I was back into my thoughts. Toothless purring is making me feel very comfortable and safe. Snow was also purring at my feet. When Sky came out of the bathroom, he and I went to the Common Room for breakfast. Since today we didn’t have any training, until I get my promise ring next month. So, everyone got up late to eat breakfast. I sat down and I was about to eat when Brandy popped out of no where and sat next to me. 

Jazzy: Eek! -jumping out of my skin- 

Brandy: Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. I just want to tell you that I’m sorry for my attitude yesterday at the training grounds. Please don’t be mad at me. 

Jazzy: -taking a deep breath- It’s fine. I’m just stress. I know that everyone wants to move on. I do my best. 

Brandy: So I’m forgiven?

Jazzy: Mhm. 

Brandy: -screaming in excitement- Thank you! Oh, I was so worry that you won’t forgive me. That I didn’t sleep very well last night. Now, I get to put on a mask and relax. -jumping out of her chair- I’m not going to eat breakfast. I’m on a diet. 

    Then in a blink of eye. Brandy ran up to her room and slam the door. All of us was shaking our heads. I was eating my toasts when Sky handed me a cup of coffee. 

Jazzy: Thanks. 

Sky: You’re welcome. -smiling- 

    After breakfast we cleaned up. Most of my teammates were staying in the Common Room, and I went back to my room with Sky behind me. I went to my desk and turned on my iPad. I was going to find as much information on Yin Yang Dragon and Yin Yang Royal Couple. I already know that I need two Special Pets, a true soul mate, a promise ring, and perform a promise ceremony. I also know that the Yin Yang Royal Couple is very powerful. Also that King Eric is after it. But as I search for more information on Yin Yang Royal Couple and Yin Yang Dragon, I come up empty. I was about to scream out of frustration. But I received an message from the Oracle, “The answer to these questions will come to you very soon. You can’t find any more on this subject. You and Sky have all the things that you need. Just believe in yourself and your partner.” 

Jazzy: Great. What am I suppose to do now?

Sky: Mediate. Then we will spar. 

Jazzy: Deal. 

      I sat on the floor of the our room and began to mediate. During my mediation I start to feel better, and my mind began to become clear. Then strange images began to form in my head, I had no idea what these images were and I was confused. I saw the Yin Yang Dragons Training Grounds, and I saw the Promise Ceremony. These images that I see in my head was cold, wintery scenery, and my teammates were there. I was wearing a simple white dress with a little V-neck. Sky was there, and he was wearing a simple black suit. The Oracle was there saying something that I couldn’t understand. Toothless and Snow was there too. They were standing between Sky and I.  Then there was a flash of bright light blinded everyone for a few seconds and then a Yin Yang Dragon spirit appeared above us. The Yin Yang Dragon spirit said something that I couldn’t understand. But there was a voice that said to me that was loud and clear, “Christmas is the best time of the year for wonderful celebrations.” Then everything went black. I opened my eyes. 

Jazzy: -confused- What the fuck?

Sky: Mhm?

Jazzy: -confused- I saw some kind of vision. It was our Promise Ceremony. It took place from yesterday, and it was during Christmas time. This Christmas. Why?

Sky: Maybe it’s the Goddess way of letting us know that we should complete the first level sooner, rather than later. What else did you see in your vision?

Jazzy: After we completed our Promise Ceremony, the spirit of the Yin Yang Dragon appeared above our heads. Just before everything went dark, I heard voice telling me, “Christmas is the best time of the year for wonderful celebrations.” 

Sky: Then we should do our Promise Ceremony this Christmas. Which is next week. If you want. 

Jazzy: You don’t think we’re moving to fast?

Sky: No. I think we are moving in the right paste. A Promise Ceremony doesn’t mean we’re married. It just mean we will get married in the future. 

Jazzy: -confused- 

Sky: A Promise Ceremony is where we promise to each other that we are going to be there for one another, not to cheat on each other, and when we are ready we will get married. A lot of werewolves go through a Promise Ceremony. Because it’s a test for both partners. If we keep our promise to each other for a year, then that means we are going to be fine in our marriage. If anytime once of us break any promise that we made to each other during our Promise Ceremony, then our marriage isn’t going to work. It also means that there is a divorce in the horizon. 99.9% of Promise Ceremonies work. Only 1% of Promise Ceremonies doesn’t work. That 1% is very rare. 

Jazzy: I see. -still confuse- 

Sky: What else did you see in your vision?

Jazzy: I didn’t feel any pain. Why is that?

Sky: I don’t understand what you’re saying. 

Jazzy: I didn’t get marked. Why?

Sky: A Promise Ceremony doesn’t need a Mating Mark. The rings are the symbol of our promise to each other. We don’t need the Mating Mark. That’s why you didn’t feel any pain. Did you see a mark on me in your vision?

Jazzy: No. I was too busy looking into your eyes to notice anything else. 

Sky: -smiling- 

Jazzy: Ugh! I’m so stress.-burying my face into my hands- 

Sky: -coming over and sitting next to me- Why?

Jazzy: -breathing out- Because I don’t know if I’m making the right choices. My gut is telling me to do one thing, but my heart is telling me to another. Which do I follow?

Sky: It’s a hard decision. But which one is stronger. Your gut feeling or your heart?

Jazzy: To be honest. My gut feeling is stronger. You won’t be mad at me for not marrying right away. 

Sky: Of course not. We haven’t been dating for long. I’m not the type of person who likes to rush into things. I also like to take things slow. There’s nothing wrong with taking things slow. But we shouldn’t take too long, because my mother will start to nag. I’m not kidding. She will nag us if we take too long. She really does want me to take over as King. 

Jazzy: Does your parents have a time stamp on you being King?

Sky: No. But my gut feeling is telling me that my father will step down as King when this war is over. Because every time he comes home from the wars in the past. He ages 10x faster. 

Jazzy: I see. 

Sky: Also, my mother does have a requirement. 

Jazzy: Let me guess. She wants grandchildren. 

Sky: Yea. 

Jazzy: Ugh! How many does she wants me to have?

Sky: Maximum 2. -smiling- 

Jazzy: Liar. 

Sky: I’m being serious. My mother doesn’t want to take care of a soccer team. There’s already a bunch of little ones running around that calls her grandma. Her head is already exploding from those little ones. All my cousins are married. My sister is going to be married soon, and once she gets married she is no longer next in line to the throne. The person after me to take over the throne is my crazy uncle Steven. No body in the whole Mythical Kingdom likes my crazy uncle. If he was to rule everyone is going to riot. 

Jazzy: Why is my life so hard? If we do become the Yin Yang Royal Couple, how do you rule the kingdom?

Sky: I don’t know. But I hope I can decide. If I don’t become King. I can recommend my sister. But its in the future. I have time.

Jazzy: Being a leader or co-leader is hard. -sigh- 

Toothless: It is hard. But have you ever heard of taking it day by day?

Snow: Or take baby steps?

Sky: Mhm. I have. -smiling- 

Jazzy: Thank guys. -smiling- 

     Sky and I went to the gym to train and exercise. 45 minutes later we returned to our room. It was a very good work out and training sessions. I was feeling like my old self again. My mind has become more clear. As Sky was taking a shower and I was drinking water, and doing some stretching exercise I made an decision. When Sky came out of the bathroom I went in to take a shower. 30 minutes later I came out and I was about to tell Sky my decision. 

Jazzy: Is the Promise Ceremony permanent?

Sky: Yes. Unless one of us breaks the rules that the other one set up. 

Jazzy: I can set up any rules?

Sky: Mhm. 

Jazzy: No limits?

Sky: Mhm. 

Jazzy: I see. 

Sky: -confuse- 

Jazzy: -smiling- I’m not going to tell you what I’m up to. But you have a deadline. To be more specific, our deadline is 12/25/2020. Come up with 10 rules that you want me to follow, and I come up with 10 rules that I want you to follow. Also, wear a black suit. 

Sky: Oh. What would you be wearing on 12/25/2020?

Jazzy: A white dress. -smiling- 

Sky: Okay. I can’t see what your rules are and you can’t see what my rules are until 12/25/2020. Right?

Jazzy: Mhm.

Sky: Got it. 

      We both went downstairs for dinner. I told the rest of the team that something is happening on 12/25/2020, and that they are to meet us at the Yin Yang Dragons Training Grounds. In a formal setting. All girls must wear dresses and men are to wear suits. Brandy, got excited and she was about to ask me if Sky and I are finally getting married. I told her no. Brandy was about ask me more questions but I told her it’s not a wedding or a birthday. It is a ceremony and that she’ll know that when the time comes. Brandy tried again but I just gave her a commanding stare, and she immediately shut her mouth and ate her dinner. No one asked any more questions about 12/25/2020. After dinner I went back to my room. Because it has been a long day and I would like to get away from Brandy. People who are perky is bad for me. I don’t like perky people. I find them fake when they are too perky. But I didn’t want to say that to her face because I might hurt her feelings, and Jeff might think I’m being out of line. So I kept my mouth shut and I didn’t say anything rude. I crawl into bed and grabbed my book off my night stand. I was reading a new chapter when Sky came into the room. Sky crawled into bed and scrolled through his phone. 15 minutes later I put my book down, Sky put his phone down and turn off the lights. Sky kissed me good night, and we went to sleep. 

-End of Chapter Twenty-Five- 

[erraticfairy]

Podcast: Dwelling on the Past Mistakes Caused by Mental Illness



Once we reach recovery from mental illness, we tend to dwell on the mistakes of our past. Thoughts of failures and people we’ve hurt ruminate inside our head and make it difficult to move forward.

Why do we think about these things? Does it protect us, make us feel better, or is it way to keep us from moving forward? In this episode, our hosts discuss their past failures in the hopes it allows our listeners to realize living in the past only really accomplishes one thing . . .

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“It just creeps into the deep dark depths of my head and it just goes around, and around, and around.” – Michelle Hammer

  Highlights From ‘Ruminations’’ Episode

[2:00] We are talking about ruminations today

[4:30] Ruminations feed delusions

[6:00] Gabe dwells on his past wives

[8:20] Michelle ruminates about how her brother treated her in the past

[11:00] Gabe tried to set up his brother to get in trouble

[13:00] We want Michelle to make amends with her brother

[18:00] Why ruminating is detrimental to your health.

[19:30] Gabe dwells about his biological father

[21:00] Why can’t we just get over things and move on?

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Dwelling on the Past Mistakes Caused by Mental Illness’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: [00:00:07] For reasons that utterly escape everyone involved, you’re listening to A Bipolar, A Schizophrenic, and A Podcast. Here are your hosts, Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: [00:00:19] You’re listening to a person living with bipolar, a person living with schizophrenia, and a digital portable media file. My name is Gabe Howard and I’m a person living with bipolar disorder.

Michelle: [00:00:28] Hi, I’m Michelle Hammer and I’m a person living with schizophrenia. Are you guys happy now?

Gabe: [00:00:33] Yeah. See we changed it for everybody.

Michelle: [00:00:36] My god, don’t write any more letters. Please stay off our social media. Person first language, okay?

Gabe: [00:00:43] I think we did it. I think, you know, by doing it this way, though we have now wiped out discrimination. We’ve wiped out stigma. There’s enough beds for everybody. Homelessness due to mental illness is gone. There’s nobody incarcerated in prisons. By using person first language we have solved all of those other problems, right?

Michelle: [00:01:04] We must of. That’s why person’s first language is always number one comment we get. Absolutely.

Gabe: [00:01:09] Hang on. I’m getting a weird text message.

Michelle: [00:01:11] Oh. Oh no, what happened?

Gabe: [00:01:13] Yeah. It turns out we didn’t do anything. We didn’t do anything. Like a person first language. It didn’t. It didn’t solve any problems. No. Now people are mad at us for mocking them.

Michelle: [00:01:22] Oh, no! We mocked people? We never make fun of anything on this show.

Gabe: [00:01:27] We were always so polite and professional and educational. We never say fuck.

Michelle: [00:01:32] We never say fuck, or suck my dick, or your –

Gabe: [00:01:37] [Laughter]

Michelle: [00:01:37] God, Gabe, what are you laughing at? I’m being really serious right now. I’m a person living with schizophrenia. I am a person living with my past.

Gabe: [00:01:45] You’re a person living with your past?

Michelle: [00:01:46] My past that I dwell on with my ruminations. Now I’m going to ruminate about this situation: that I couldn’t make the world better. I need to make the world better. Gabe, I need to make the world better.

Gabe: [00:01:58] This is the worst segue in the history of our show. And that, that’s saying something. Because we’ve had some mighty awful segues.

Michelle: [00:02:08] What are we doing?

Gabe: [00:02:11] In case you haven’t figured it out, ladies and gentlemen, we are talking about things that we have ruminated on both before we were diagnosed, during like the recovery period where we’re trying to get better, and things that still kind of haunt us today and we are going to desperately eke 20 minutes out of this.

Michelle: [00:02:26] Desperately.

Gabe: [00:02:28] So Michelle what are some ruminations that like today think the last six months as longtime listener of this show know we’re in recovery. You are doing quite well despite the fact that you’re a schizophrenic. I am doing quite well despite the fact that I’m living with bipolar disorder we’ve gotten over mania depression psychosis and everything in between. But we still ruminate on things because one everybody does. We should probably start there. Do you think that ruminating about things is the domain of only people with mental illness or do you think that everybody ruminates?

Michelle: [00:02:59] I think everybody ruminates to a certain extent. It’s fine ruminating, you just can’t stop it is when it really gets out of control.

Gabe: [00:03:07] I like that we’ve challenged ourselves to put the word “ruminating” in this show as many times as possible.

Michelle: [00:03:13] How do you spell this word?

Gabe: [00:03:15] I have no idea. I have no idea that that’s really a problem for the show

Michelle: [00:03:19] Should we define ruminating for people?

Gabe: [00:03:20] Do it.

Michelle: [00:03:21] Ruminating is when you can think of the same thing over and over and over again you just cannot get it out of your head. It just goes around and around and around. Usually it drives you nuts.

Gabe: [00:03:33] So, for example, Michelle’s mother, who has absolutely no mental illness to speak of, ruminates about why Michelle is a failure.

Michelle: [00:03:42] Hey.

Gabe: [00:03:42] It just she can’t get it out of her head.

Michelle: [00:03:44] I’m not a failure.

Gabe: [00:03:45] I didn’t say that you were. I said that your mother ruminates about it.

Michelle: [00:03:47] She does not.

Gabe: [00:03:48] I mean maybe a little bit?

Michelle: [00:03:49] She doesn’t.

Gabe: [00:03:50] Okay well my mother despite having no mental illness whatsoever ruminates on whether or not I’m going to throw her under the bus on a podcast.

Michelle: [00:03:58] Does she?

Gabe: [00:03:58] I mean, probably.

Michelle: [00:03:59] I don’t know.

Gabe: [00:04:01] Yeah, I don’t think she gives a shit.

Michelle: [00:04:02] I often ruminate why I was fired from any previous job.

Gabe: [00:04:05] Do you ruminate about being fired from the job as a symptom of schizophrenia? Or is it just something that you wish you could go back in time and figure out?

Michelle: [00:04:14] Well it’s more like different situations that happened and how I wish I could have handled them differently.

Gabe: [00:04:19] But doesn’t everybody do that? Like do you ever do this? And be honest, I mean sincerely be honest. Remember we value honesty. Do you ever get in a fight with your girlfriend, and like you’re fighting, you’re yelling, you’re screaming, and then you retreat to separate corners. All is quiet. It’s over, you’ve made up and you think, “God, I wish I would have said that?” Or like you run through it in your mind?

Michelle: [00:04:40] But that’s different than ruminating.

Gabe: [00:04:42] Well, how is it?

Michelle: [00:04:43] Different for me? Because ruminating just doesn’t stop it. I’ll go around and around and around and even when I’m walking through the street walking through anything I almost will turn delusional and think I’m with those other people having that conversation start getting angry just start making the whole situation 8 million times worse than it was because I keep thinking about it over and over and over and over and over and over again. It won’t go away and if they hate it so much.

Gabe: [00:05:08] In your mind ruminating and delusions they feed each other?

Michelle: [00:05:13] Yes absolutely.

Gabe: [00:05:14] First you’re thinking about the thing. I got fired. They fired me. H.R. called walk me down with the seventh time I got. By the time you’re done you’re back in that time and place. You’re feeling it again and it’s like it’s happening right now. Even though it was three years ago.

Michelle: [00:05:26] Yes.

Gabe: [00:05:27] Wow. Does that still happen to you like in 2019? Does this still happen to Michelle Hammer?

Michelle: [00:05:32] Yes.

Gabe: [00:05:33] What’s the coping skill to get around it? Because you’re right. You’re a well accomplished person. Why do we care?

Michelle: [00:05:38] Honestly, talking about the ruminating thoughts. Because when you talk about the ruminating thoughts usually the person you’re talking to is going, “Why do you care so much about this?” You maybe talk it out a little bit, and then you’re like, “Wow. You’re right. Who cares about this dumb stupid person or this story or anything about the situation. It’s so useless why am I thinking about it so much and you can’t change the past anyway. You’re right. I talked it out. Now I feel better.

Gabe: [00:06:03] But can’t you kinda change the past?  Can’t you remember it differently? You can’t you edit it in your mind, can’t you fix the things that have gone wrong previously in the future just like with different people?

Michelle: [00:06:16] You mean like learning from your past?

Gabe: [00:06:17] No. Learning sounds mature and we don’t really like that here.

Michelle: [00:06:21] OK. So then I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Gabe: [00:06:23] Here’s a good example. I’m on my third marriage. My wife is wonderful and I love her and this marriage has stood many many years. And I have no complaints. I want to say that right now. But I’ve been divorced twice. Not nasty divorces, but, you know, things that didn’t feel good. And I’ve been through breakups etc.. So every now and again my wife will do something and it will remind me of something that my ex-wife did and I’ll think. “Wait a minute. You know I let that go when wife number two did it. So I have to fix it with wife number three.” Even though they’re a completely different person. It’s a completely different time and nothing is the same except for maybe like one little thing. Don’t you ever do that? Like don’t you ever try to set a boundary with your current friend that you didn’t set with your last friend that is now you’re like mortal enemy?

Michelle: [00:07:10] No.

Gabe: [00:07:11] No?

Michelle: [00:07:11] No. Something that I do I know I do with my anxiety but I put on other people, is that I’ll start asking them a million questions about things. And then they’re like, “Why are you asking me a million questions?” And I’m like, “Oh, it’s my anxiety. I just wondered at the time? I just wondered if you know the place? I just wanted to know what you’re going to do after? What you are going to do before? I’m like, I’m just anxious. I’m sorry. I wanted to know.” If that makes any sense.

Gabe: [00:07:33] I certainly do that, too. You know like that constant time checking thing? That you don’t wanna be late?

Michelle: [00:07:37] Yes.

Gabe: [00:07:38] So what time is it? It’s four o’clock. OK. We have to be there at four thirty. What time is it? It’s four or one. OK. We have to be there at four thirty. What time is it? Dude ,it’s still four or one. But you know some of the things that are trapped in my head that I just can’t get out are just what a bad friend I was, or what a awful son I was, or what a terrible family member I was.

Michelle: [00:07:58] Yeah, yeah.

Gabe: [00:07:58] And sometimes I get mad at the people around me because I assume that they’re still mad at me because I’m still mad at me. Does stuff like that ever happen to you?

Michelle: [00:08:09] I mean, I still hold a lot of vendettas against my brother, which I owe to him. Right? Everyone says that I just dwell on the past. Even he says that I just, like, stay on the past. About when we’re very young. Me and my brother, and how mean he was to me and everything. We would see each other in the hallway of high school, and he wouldn’t even say hello to me. Yet, when he went off to college, and we were still using AIM, and he would instant message me, I would not reply. So he wouldn’t speak to me when he saw me in high school in the hallway, yet I stopped replying to him when he went off to college. And that was not OK. Which makes no sense to me. Yet, now we haven’t seen each other in a long time because he lives in another country. And when he comes back, I now have to be nice to him. Because I guess he’s a different person now? Yet, I never got any kind of apologies or anything like that, but I’m supposed to see that he’s a different person now. I don’t know why. And we’re supposed to be good friends now or something like that. I guess, just out of curiosity, why? I’m just wondering.

Gabe: [00:09:12] Is your brother a different person now?

Michelle: [00:09:14] Apparently, he’s a different person now. I don’t know. But-.

Gabe: [00:09:18] He had to leave the country to really get away with you.

Michelle: [00:09:20] I don’t know where it changed, but I’m supposed to treat him differently now. I’m supposed to forget everything from the past, all of the abuse from the past, and I’m supposed to like him now. I don’t know why.

Gabe: [00:09:31] I haven’t heard described any abuse. What you described is a couple of adult siblings that do not talk to each other.

Michelle: [00:09:36] No. Well okay.

Gabe: [00:09:37] What’s he mean to you? Did he call you names? Wait, did he pull your pigtails?

Michelle: [00:09:39] Well, he went to karate, and he would practice all of his karate moves on me. Constant wrestling, slamming my head into the ground until my nose bleeds. Calling me Michael instead of Michelle. Calling me a boy. That kind of went with Michael. Slamming the door in my face. Not letting me play with him. Like when we’re very little. Try to use his toys, not allowed to use his toys. Actually, when my mom and dad came home with me from the hospital when I was born, and they said, “Oh, Seth, here’s your sister.” He threw a stuffed animal at me. Yeah. I don’t know why they told me that story.

Gabe: [00:10:11] So he’s your older brother?

Michelle: [00:10:12] Yes.

Gabe: [00:10:12] Because you said that he threw a stuffed animal at you when you came home from the hospital and they told you that story and you’re putting this together with all of the other issues that you had with your brother growing up when you were kids?

Michelle: [00:10:27] Yeah and my like broke my necklace too, and then blamed me for it because that I was being annoying. So he had to push me and my necklace got in the way and it broke.

Gabe: [00:10:36] This is fabulous that you bring this up and here’s why. Because in my brother and sister’s world, I’m your older brother. I was the oldest. I was incredibly jealous of my brother. One time to get him in trouble when we were kids, I took syrup out of the pantry and I dumped it on the floor so that I could frame him for doing it. Knowing that he’d get in trouble. My mother just happened to be moving faster than normal that morning and watched me do it. And even though she saw me do it, I still tried to blame him for it. Absolutely, unequivocally, just hated having him as a brother. I was a top dog. I was the oldest. I used to live with Grandma. Then my mother remarried and nine months later I got this bastard in my house and I treated him like absolute garbage. Absolute garbage.

Michelle: [00:11:22] My favorite was when he would say, “You’re stupid.” And I would say, “No, you are stupid.” And then he would say, “Well, I’m smarter than you. So if I’m stupid, how dumb are you?

Gabe: [00:11:30] You know you’re an adult now, right?

Michelle: [00:11:31] I know. But obviously I can not get over this because I don’t understand why I’m supposed to like him now when I never received any kind of apology.

Gabe: [00:11:38] What kind of apology do you want when you were growing up?

Michelle: [00:11:41] Maybe just, “I’m sorry I was a horrible asshole to you, and ignored you for years and everything like that.”

Gabe: [00:11:47] Listen I never ever ever told my brother and sister, “I’m sorry. I was a horrible asshole to you.” Ever.

Michelle: [00:11:55] So that I don’t understand, why do I have to accept him back in my life?

Gabe: [00:11:59] I mean you don’t. But do you feel good right now?

Michelle: [00:12:01] I’m being told by everybody in my family that I need to accept him back in my life.

Gabe: [00:12:06] Okay. Well fuck them. Don’t. Just sit around and think about how pissed off and angry 8, 12, and 15 year old Michelle was.

Michelle: [00:12:13] Hang on one second, we’ve got to hear from our sponsor.

Announcer: [00:12:16] This episode is sponsored by betterhelp.com secure convenient and affordable online counselling. All counselors are licensed accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to betterhelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. Betterhelp.com/PsychCentral.

Michelle: [00:12:44] Want us to answer your questions on the show? Head over to PsychCentral.com/BSPquestions and fill out the form.

Gabe: [00:12:54] We’re back, still trying to say the word rumination as many times as humanly possible. You’re 30 years old, you’ve moved on with your life. But you’re still thinking about shit that happened to you when you were literally eight years old.

Michelle: [00:13:06] Ok, I see where you’re going with this.

Gabe: [00:13:08] How is that working out for you?

Michelle: [00:13:08] I don’t know. I don’t see him. I don’t have to speak to him. And then my mom says, “Have you spoken to your brother? Have you texted him? Have you spoken to him?” Yeah. “I don’t like that you guys don’t have a relationship. Why do my children hate each other?”

Gabe: [00:13:23] Well, I mean you articulated why y’all hate each.

Michelle: [00:13:25] I know, I’m just saying, that’s what she says.

Gabe: [00:13:27] I mean, has he done anything to you as an adult? Let let’s establish that like right out. In the time that you both became adult grown people, has he? Or has he been fine?

Michelle: [00:13:36] Well, when I graduated college he was working at kind of in the design agency kind of area. His boss, the creative director, he wanted to give me some advice. So he brought me in and he looks at my portfolio and his boss said to me, “I like your stuff. I want to give you some help. I wanted to offer you like a part time internship here, but your brother said no”.

Gabe: [00:13:54] Well but you don’t know that’s true.

Michelle: [00:13:57] His boss said it to me.

Gabe: [00:13:58] Yeah, but so what? People lie all the time.

Michelle: [00:14:00] No that’s 100 percent something my brother would do. Why would he lie and say I would offer you an internship here, but your brother said no? Because why would he invite me to come there and look at my portfolio and see all of my work and give me advice? Why would he offer to do that?

Gabe: [00:14:16] If he was gonna tell you no, why did he do it at all?

Michelle: [00:14:17] He was just giving me advice. And he just said that he wanted to offer me an internship, and that he would totally do that for me, but my brother said no.

Gabe: [00:14:25] So your brother was the boss of his boss?

Michelle: [00:14:27] My brother said do not hire her as an intern.

Gabe: [00:14:31] Then why did he talk to you at all?

Michelle: [00:14:32] Because he wanted to give me advice.

Gabe: [00:14:34] Did you ask your brother about this?

Michelle: [00:14:36] No I wouldn’t want to start a fight.

Gabe: [00:14:39] But, I kinda smell a rat here.

Michelle: [00:14:41] No I don’t smell a rat here. Obviously, Gabe, you don’t know my brother if you don’t believe this story.

Gabe: [00:14:46] It just doesn’t have the ring of truth.

Michelle: [00:14:47] Actually, it does very much ring true.

Gabe: [00:14:50] Okay. Let’s say that that is completely true. It’s 100 percent.

Michelle: [00:14:52] Okay.

Gabe: [00:14:52] Let’s say it rings true?

Michelle: [00:14:54] Say it rings true?  It’s 100 true.

Gabe: [00:14:55] Right, it’s 100 percent true. I agree. How long ago was that? How many years?

Michelle: [00:15:00] I believe I was 22. Okay so it was eight years ago.

Gabe: [00:15:04] Eight years? Everybody, Michelle Hammer is 30 years old.

Michelle: [00:15:04] You said adult life, Gabe. I was bringing up something in my adult life that’s it. So you know, it’s just so you know, you said something in my adult life.

Gabe: [00:15:14] I don’t know. I do not. You’re very upset about this.

Michelle: [00:15:17] He didn’t want me to work in the same place that he was working. You said adult life there you go or not.

Gabe: [00:15:25] But you keep repeating that.

Michelle: [00:15:26] Also, my brother lives in Colombia. Colombia the country, not the college. People have gotten that very mixed up before.

Gabe: [00:15:31] Did you throw your brother out of the country?

Michelle: [00:15:35] I’m glad he left.

Gabe: [00:15:35] Okay.

Michelle: [00:15:38] Meanwhile, you know who’s never been invited to Colombia to come see him?

Gabe: [00:15:40] I’m gonna go with you.

Michelle: [00:15:41] Yeah.

Gabe: [00:15:42] Do you think the reason you’ve never been invited is because you hate him?

Michelle: [00:15:48] He’s never invited me.

Gabe: [00:15:48] Because you hate him.

Michelle: [00:15:50] Well, he’s never invited me.

Gabe: [00:15:51] Because you hate him.

Michelle: [00:15:52] He’s never invited me.

Gabe: [00:15:53] Have you invited him to your house?

Michelle: [00:15:55] He’s been to my apartment. He’s been there.

Gabe: [00:15:58] You’re upset about this aren’t you?

Michelle: [00:15:58] Well, we’re dwelling on the past, Gabe.

Gabe: [00:16:00] You want to have a relationship with your brother, don’t you?

Michelle: [00:16:03] We do not get along.

Gabe: [00:16:05] I didn’t say do you get along. I said do you want to get along?

Michelle: [00:16:08] I want him to acknowledge what he’s done.

Gabe: [00:16:13] But why do you want him to acknowledge what he’s done?

Michelle: [00:16:16] Because he acts so innocent.

Gabe: [00:16:17] I’m being really serious.

Michelle: [00:16:19] Like look, he acts like he did nothing wrong. And then the past is of the past and I should ignore it.

Gabe: [00:16:24] Listen here’s what I’m saying, you think about the things that happened as a kid and as a young adult. A lot. And it brings it up. You are clearly unhappy about this and other members of your family know that you’re unhappy about this and try to fix it. Albeit apparently poorly. And I completely agree that all of these things are true. The question that I have for you this is the only question that I want you to answer. Do you want him to apologize because you want an apology? Or do you want him to apologize because you miss your brother and you want to mend the relationship?

Michelle: [00:16:56] Yes, I would like to mend the relationship.

Gabe: [00:16:58] Ok, well then say that. Say that the reason that you think about this so much is because you’re sad that you’re fighting with your brother.

Michelle: [00:17:05] And I’ve had friends who’ve met my brother on multiple occasions and have told me your brother’s a dick.

Gabe: [00:17:11] Yeah, he sounds like a real dick. Listen –

Michelle: [00:17:13] I’m just saying. I’m just saying.

Gabe: [00:17:14] I am not saying that he is not. Your brother’s a dick. I’m saying that you need to understand your own motivation because until you do I don’t think you’re gonna get over it. And I think a lot of our listeners have somebody in their life that they feel this way about. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, in some cases it’s like a parent or a guardian. It’s somebody who helped raised them or an authority figure and they’re all ruminating on this day in and day out. And if they don’t fix the relationship or get over the relationship it either a handcuffs them in the present like it’s handcuffed to you because you’re thinking about this right now and it is occupying way too much of your space for some dude who doesn’t even live in the country. And two, you just need to let it go and decide hey look this relationship isn’t for me and stop thinking about it. Frankly I don’t think any of this has anything to do with schizophrenia. I don’t think it does. It has everything to do with the fact that familiar relationships our family our friends, that’s the kind of stuff that fucks you up.

Michelle: [00:18:10] I think what it has to do with schizophrenia is the fact that I’ll think about it and I’ll just scrape into my head and it creeps in the deep dark depths of my head and I’ll just go around and around and around and around.

Gabe: [00:18:22] You want to know who my big brother is? You want to know who does that for me? You want to know who creeps into my head and just turns around and around and won’t let go ever? My biological father. The dude is dead. He is dead and I think about him the exact same way you think about your brother.

Michelle: [00:18:41] Really?

Gabe: [00:18:41] Yeah he’s dead. He can’t apologize. He can’t make up for it. It’s over. I won because I didn’t die of alcoholism.

Michelle: [00:18:49] I can get why.

Gabe: [00:18:50] Why did you hate me? That’s all I can think about, why did he hate me? And now you’re gonna do the exact same thing that I just did for you. You’re gonna be like, “Dude, he didn’t hate you he was a dick. He was an alcoholic. He abandoned his kid.”  This is the level that we torture ourselves.

Michelle: [00:19:02] I get that though. When a parent chooses alcohol over a kid. I can understand why the kid feels very upset.

Gabe: [00:19:10] Oh, look I don’t think he chose alcohol over me. I think he chose literally anything. I think he would have chosen like a blowing leaf over me.

Michelle: [00:19:18] Sometimes, a father is just a sperm.

Gabe: [00:19:20] Yeah. You know I call on my sperm donor.

Michelle: [00:19:22] Yeah. That’s sometimes just what a father is.

Gabe: [00:19:25] But this is the biggest rumination that I have because I wonder how did he know? On the day that I was born, that I was broken and worthless? How come he knew what nobody else can figure out?

Michelle: [00:19:37] He didn’t know that.

Gabe: [00:19:37] But, I mean –

Michelle: [00:19:38] He knew he was broken.

Gabe: [00:19:41] He didn’t know that. He had a good life. He was happy. He died fine.

Michelle: [00:19:44] No, he wasn’t happy, he was an alcoholic.

Gabe: [00:19:46] Yeah, a happy one.

Michelle: [00:19:47] No, there’s no happy alcoholics.

Gabe: [00:19:50] You know that whole self medicating thing it doesn’t play sometimes. I don’t think he was self medicating at all. I think he was just a guy that did whatever he wanted and said whatever he wanted and behaved however. He was just immature.

Michelle: [00:20:00] Then he wasn’t ready to be a dad.

Gabe: [00:20:03] I mean he was very young. My mother got pregnant in high school and he was also in high school.

Michelle: [00:20:07] So ok, that makes a little bit better.

Gabe: [00:20:08] But he never made up for it. I saw him on his deathbed. He was in hospice. He had jaundice, his eyes were yellow. They told me had less than two weeks to live. And I’m like, “Do you have anything to say to me?” And he was like, “It’s your mom’s fault.”

Michelle: [00:20:23] That’s what he said?

Gabe: [00:20:23] That’s pretty much what he said.

Michelle: [00:20:25] He’s a dick.

Gabe: [00:20:26] Oh, yeah.

Michelle: [00:20:26] Like he’s a dick. Your biological dad, he’s a dick.

Gabe: [00:20:29] But why can’t I get over it?

Michelle: [00:20:31] Because he’s your dad.

Gabe: [00:20:33] Yeah I got a dad. He’s alive. He lives in Tennessee. He’s cool.

Michelle: [00:20:35] Because he’s a part of you.

Gabe: [00:20:37] And I’m not trying to be crass here, but he’s just a guy who had sex with my mom. I appreciate the DNA and all

Michelle: [00:20:45] But if you can say that, then why can’t you get over it?

Gabe: [00:20:48] Exactly. And that’s why it ruminates because the intellectual part of Gabe Howard thinks –

Michelle: [00:20:54] So are you mad at your mom for boning this dude?

Gabe: [00:20:57] No. Well, I mean, I’m mad at my mom for giving me life but that’s like a whole ‘nother episode. I don’t understand why I got to be born and why I have to be born broken and why I’m here.

Michelle: [00:21:08] There’s a reason why you’re here and there’s a purpose here and it’s.

Gabe: [00:21:12] I don’t I don’t believe that.

Michelle: [00:21:13] Purpose. I believe that there’s always a reason why you’re here.

Gabe: [00:21:17] You believe in vape pens.

Michelle: [00:21:20] You believe in Diet Coke. Maybe there’s a universe of no diet coke.

Gabe: [00:21:23] That’s mean.

Michelle: [00:21:24] You’re not there. That’s near here.

Gabe: [00:21:27] That’s mean.

Michelle: [00:21:28] You’re here to drink Diet Coke.

Gabe: [00:21:30] Michelle, seriously. Seriously, none of this is serving either one of us so why do we do it?

Michelle: [00:21:36] Because it doesn’t go away.

Gabe: [00:21:39] And why doesn’t it go away?

Michelle: [00:21:40] I don’t know why it doesn’t go away.

Gabe: [00:21:42] Exactly. Judging by our emails a lot of our listeners have this problem where they just have this thing that they just can’t get over. And if they have learned nothing by listening to this show it’s that they’re not alone. A lot of people have these things that they just can’t get over and I think that anybody listening to me and you for the last 20 minutes would think wow these two need to get over that because it’s not serving them in any way.

Michelle: [00:22:05] Just a little bit. Don’t you think?

Gabe: [00:22:06] But we’re not letting it go. I hope that maybe they listen to us and they realize how unhelpful this is to just not get over and they think wow I don’t want to be like them and they let go of their anger and the things that they’re just ruminating on and can’t get over. But I suspect that a lot of people are gonna hang on to that rumination and I hope that they find some way to minimize it because at the end of the day Michelle we have minimized it. It is not impacting us the same way at our current age. That it probably did 10 years ago. Do you think you think about this less now than you did five years ago?

Michelle: [00:22:44] Oh definitely much less.

Gabe: [00:22:45] So there really is some wisdom in time heals all wounds.

Michelle: [00:22:49] And you know living in another country.

Gabe: [00:22:52] So I had to kill my biological father. You had to send your brother to another country and now suddenly we’re getting better. That’s fantastic. That is definitely actionable advice. Everybody is excited that they listen to this episode of a bipolar schizophrenic podcast because now they can beat their own ruminations with death and deportation.

Michelle: [00:23:15] Yes.

Gabe: [00:23:16] Not every episode can be a winner ladies and gentlemen but we hope you got something out of it. Thank you for tuning into this episode of A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. Don’t forget to hop over to store.PsychCentra.com, there is a few shirts left. This is the last time. Literally the last time we will ever pitch the “Define Normal” shirts on this show. So if you have been hanging on wanting to buy one, now is the time. Thank you everybody. Please like us everywhere and we will see you next time.

Michelle: [00:23:45] He’s a dick!

Announcer: [00:23:50]You’ve been listening to a bipolar a schizophrenic kind of podcast. If you love this episode don’t keep it to yourself head over to iTunes or your preferred podcast app to subscribe rate and review to work with Gabe go to GabeHoward.com. To work with Michelle go to Schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups. Head over to PsychCentral.com Show’s official Web site PsychCentral.com/bsp you can e-mail us at show@PsychCentral.com. Thank you for listening and share widely.

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

  MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2CLZPCM via theshiningmind.com