#right now is the age of execs doing whatever tf they want

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

Dear Executives™,

In this day and age, each exec is surrounded by "yes-men" - guys that make you feel good, that match your energy, that tell you you have great ideas. But have you ever considered the ways this dynamic might limit your perspective?

Enter: the No-Woman™--

A voice of perspective-expanding truth and clarity to help you see beyond the flock of yes-men around you and towards a brighter future.

If you hire me, I will sit in a crappy chair in the corner of your office playing on my Nintendo switch and eating sour Skittles (expected as part of my compensation). When you have an idea, you may voice it, at which point I will either shrug my shoulders (indicating that you may go forward with your idea) or pinch the bridge of my nose and say "that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard. Where do you come up with this shit?"

In meetings with the other executives and board members, I will hold a very bright, very squeaky white board marker with which I will cross out the bad ideas on the board while loudly and disrespectfully chewing bubble gum or sipping an iced beverage (your choice).

Finally, when you're giving speeches, I'll sit in the front row with my feet up on whatever's in front of me. I'll scroll through my phone, but look up to shake my head and/or roll my eyes when I know your speech is going the wrong direction.

The rest of my time I will spend gossiping with your employees in order to get a more accurate read on employee sentiment to pass along to you honestly and anonymously when requested.

Please see my resume for a sampling of the many times executives like you have proposed an idea to which I've responded "that's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life", only for them to walk back on their decision a few months later, forced to eat crow. Imagine the humiliation I could save you!

I would literally do this job for $2 and a pack of sour Skittles, but since I know you can afford it, I will do it for the low low price of $100,000. Per paycheck.

Please consider employing me, I'm truly passionate about this work xo