#reylo fan ficiton

[waypathfinder]

Crimson Lane - Chapter 29 - The Beginning and the End

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The old man formed a silhouette against a cloudless blue sky, giving the impression of awed stillness, in commune with a world that was beyond these bamboo floors and screened walls.

He wore a black karategi and stood with his feet bare and hands clasped behind his back.

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste." The man's voice was distant and echoey in the open space.

"And remember what peace there may be in silence," Ben completed, as he entered the dojo with a bow. "Hello, Uncle Luke."

The words were from the poem Desiderata. Luke had taught it to him as a boy, and it had gone on to be a comfort in trying times, even though the long dark night of working for Snoke.

He remembered …

Lying in bed beside a woman who was not Rey, shaking at the realisation of what he had become. It was the first time he'd questioned his existence, and it would not be the last.

Outside, rain wept down the steamy windows of the Brothel as Ben twisted his hands in the angled lamplight.

These hands have broken and killed and hurt, he thought. There were scars on his knuckles and rust beneath his nails.

His eyes trailed down to his wrists, tracking the corded blue veins that twisted like gnarled roots. He studied them, penitent and thoughtful, a macabre thought taking hold.

What was the point of it all?

Then Luke's voice had rung out in the silence, the memory of him with a dog-eared book of poems, reading by campfire.

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

Ben had clung to those verses when all hope was lost, and even now, when life was beginning to have meaning again. It gave him the right to thrive, to pursue happiness and love.

He continued walking towards Luke and visions of the past rushed like fleeting shadows: from the first time he'd come to the dojo, a young, aggressive teenager who had so much rage and no idea how to expel it. And then to the last time, he was here, broken, near desperate, seeking solace but finding coldness.

The bitterness and hate he'd felt for Luke had long passed. The many hours they'd sat across from each other in the visitation room, awkward one-word answers to discussions of deeper things.

Another step. Luke took a meditative breath and Ben mirrored his position, his head bowed reverently and waiting.

The wind chided against the dojo as whirlwinds scooped up leaves and battered the windows with a soft tap, tap, tap.

"The tree has reached maturity and has overcome the darkness." Master Luke turned as he spoke. He'd said these words before, many years ago — another lifetime.

Ben was like the stillness following a storm, eyes fixed to the ground as Luke stood before him.

"I told you that, the night you became a sandan, do you remember?"

"I do." Ben's neck prickled under Luke's goading stare.

"And have you overcome the darkness?"

Ben's shoulders slumped. The darkness would always be there, hiding, dormant. It was like an old coat he'd worn through life. It was familiar; he understood it. His fiery passions and short temper, dark moods and haunted memories walked with him, they were his shadow.

But he wouldn't tell Master Luke that. Not after all this time — after everything.

Ben blinked, the grains of wooden floorboards blurring into one another. He tried to say "yes" but involuntarily his lips pressed together, shaking his head.

"Good. Honesty is a good place to start."

"I'm still angry. The rage is like a sleeping giant. I try to hold it in —" he centred with a breath. "Rey's understanding."

Ben lifted his gaze from the floor. "Being around her helps. She makes me feel light."

"She says the same thing about you."

He smiled. Because, while there was darkness, he had also found light. He saw it in the little things, the touch of her warm skin against his own, the way her nose crinkled when she laughed at his snarky jokes and most of all when they were silent and could just be. He began to see that the world was full of colour and laughter, that nature was beautiful, and emotions rose and fell like the tide. He had learnt that there was always joy on the horizon. His internal violence had been tempered with peace and his chaos subsided into harmony.

And Rey was always there, waiting for him with a gentle hand and a quiet heart.

"She's patient with me," Ben continued, because there were never enough words to make people understand how much he loved this woman.

"Patient? That's an interesting word for Rey."

"Not in obvious ways, I guess. She told me once, her upbringing had taught her two things. The first was to salvage broken things."

Luke gave him a half-smile. "And the other?"

"The second was to wait." Ben clenched his jaw, muscles tensing as he tried to quell the wave of emotion that had an embarrassing habit of sneaking up on him when he spoke about her. "I always thought I was cursed, but she makes me feel— worthy"

Whether Luke saw the way his breath quickened or the pure wonder in Ben's eyes at the thought that after everything he would be standing here speaking about something so special to him, he wasn't sure. But Luke placed a hand on his shoulder.

"She's lucky to have you, kid."

Ben balked because that was possibly the most insane thing Luke had ever told him. And Luke had said a lot of shit in his time.

"You're surprised?"

"I think you're insane."

"Before she met you, Rey's happiness had only ever been skin-deep. Yes, she's quick to smile, her enthusiasm is infectious, but it always felt like she wore a mask, you know?"

Ben nodded, not quite sure what to say.

"I mean, the girl's dealt with some serious trauma, but when I see her with you, there's no mask there. There's stillness and deep, heartfelt joy."

Ben caught his bottom lip between his teeth, genuinely surprised at his words.

"She's found her home with you, Ben — and that's very special to someone who never had one before."

His heart fluttered at Luke's words. Solidifying a conviction that had been growing in his mind ever since he'd walked into the dojo.

"Anyway, shall we?" Luke walked across to the far wall of the room, removing a bo staff from a rack and spinning it to his side.

"She tells me you've been looking for a job. Here." He grabbed another staff from the wall and threw it to Ben, who caught it easily.

How did she know that? For the last three months, he'd been waiting until after she'd fallen asleep, sated and exhausted before pulling his laptop on the bed and applying for anything he could find. The soundtrack of her heavy breaths accompanied him deep into the night as he read through rejection letter, after rejection letter.

It turned out having a criminal record was a terrible career move.

Ben must have been pulling a face because Luke chuckled at his bamboozled expression.

"Hasn't Han given you the 'women always figure out the truth' speech?"

"I guess I missed that one."

"So why have you come to see me? You looking for a reference, or something?"

"I'd hate to see what kind of reference you'd give me, Uncle Luke."

"Well, it wouldn't be dull." Luke lifted his bo staff at an angle and with a nod, he leapt forward striking as Ben defended.

Ben returned the blow, angling his staff diagonally as they met with a low clap. "I don't want a reference. I want a job."

"I'm not hiring."

"I'll hire myself," he snapped and cringed a second later. "I mean I won't need your money."

"Okay..."

Ben held the staff by his side. "When you trained Rey to fight, that changed her life. She was able to defend herself — to defend me, even. Imagine if we could do that for more kids, ones who have lost their way, or who are struggling with addiction, school dropouts, or those with mental health issues. What if we could really help the ones who need it most?"

Ben barely paused to take a breath. "If you could make so much difference to one person, imagine the impact we could have with a whole class of kids like that. Not the normal whiny brats you have but teach kids who really need these skills!"

Luke chuckled involuntarily. "Don't call my kids brats. You were the biggest shit out of all of them."

"You know what I mean."

"You'd have to manage it. My hands are tied with normal classes."

"I'd do everything. I've already spoken to Maz about some kids who would be ready to start now."

Luke opened his mouth to speak but Ben continued.

"You wouldn't need to worry about money, I have some funds to get it started. There are government grants that we can access. I've already applied to a few—"

Luke cocked an eyebrow at his nephew and Ben shrugged with a half-smile. "I figured you'd say yes."

Luke sighed, stretching out his decision. He liked these power plays to keep his nephew waiting. It used to infuriate him as a kid, but he understood now, he was teaching him to wait.

It was a lesson he still struggled to put into practice.

"You can use the Dojo with my blessing. But this is your project, you name it, you run it. It will rise or fall with you, Ben."

Ben leaned onto his toes, lips curling with an excitable smile. "I was hoping you'd say that."

Luke chuckled. "You'll do alright, kid. Come on."

They deposited the staff against the wall and Ben followed him through the glass-paned door and into Luke's office.

The room was bright, shelves and glass cabinets polished to perfection. There were the usual trophies and plaques and Ben's reflection flashed back at him, filled with memories of a boy much younger, seeing them for the first time and dreaming that he might be worthy of a place there. He'd been an awkward teenager, limbs too long and skinny, with volcanic acne dotted along his jaw, filled to the brim with nervous energy. He'd barely been there for fifteen minutes before Master Luke had demanded he'd run around the outside of the dojo one hundred times to expel his excess energy.

Ben grinned at the memory and then realised something had changed. The last time he was here, there were gaps where his trophies had been, dustless squares on the wall where newspaper clippings and certificates once were. His heart bloomed at seeing them all back where they were, painstakingly polished or framed.

"I put them back the morning after you came," Luke said beside him. "I never should have taken them down."

"I didn't give you much choice."

"No, Ben." Luke folded his arms, staring straight ahead at his cabinet of achievements. "We had many choices. We could have reached out to you sooner. I could have listened to you that day instead of— "

"It's in the past," Ben said quickly and then glanced at his uncle from the corner of his eye. "Anyway, you were protecting her and I will never begrudge you for that."

They fell into silence, the sound of the outside world creeping into their space; the roar of the ocean and traffic, the main door to the dojo slammed open with a crack and the hallways filled with children's voices. Ben looked at the clock, it was 8.55 am and the next karate class would be ready to start soon.

Luke went to his desk, removing the black jacket in lieu of a white one, carefully folding it into the draw and then wrapping his black belt around his waist.

"You're welcome to stay—"

"No, I've got a boat to catch and I still need to pay the bond on our new place before I go."

He bit his lip, staring at his uncle who was obnoxiously and patiently quiet, eyes twinkling again as Ben made his way to the door. Some of the younger students must have taken the bo staffs in the other room because they could hear the sound of battle amidst a fit of giggles. "I better get going before these kids destroy the dojo—"

"Did you get it?" Ben blurted.

"I may have," Luke answered, unable to hold back the childish gleam of joy from his face. "Did you want to take it with you?"

He nodded, feeling a rush of blood colouring his cheeks.

"It's barely been three months since you were released; you don't think that's too soon?" Luke pulled a black and gold cardboard bag from out of the safe, handing it to Ben. "Patience was never your strong point."

Ben snatched it, searching inside as he pushed white and silver tissue paper to the side, praying the jeweller had gotten it right.

It was perfect. Silver streams swirled like rivers, the words engraved within "never alone" and a single sparkling stone that winked as it caught in the light.

"I'm not going to rush into anything." He closed it back up again. "I'll wait."

"What, till the end of the week? I know you, Ben. A hundred bucks says you won't last the month."

Ben slipped it into his back pocket with a smirk.

"We'll see."

"Rey?"

Ben barrelled into the apartment that afternoon to find it empty. He'd run up from the jetty as soon as the ferry had docked, hair loose and windswept from the sea, and forearms a rosy shade of pink. Rey's laptop was open, fan whirring in the otherwise silent room. Her runners were airing on the lawn next to the bi-fold doors and there was a half-drunk green smoothie on the kitchen bench.

This is what normal life looked like now; from the tousled bedsheets to Rey's cotton panties scrunched up on the floor and the bra he'd given her so many months ago slung across the bed head. Everything in this room exuded her and it never failed to amaze him that their intertwined fates had come to this point.

Ben scooped up her underwear, tossing them both in the laundry hamper. Then he pulled up the bedsheets, smoothing them out and arranging the pillows. At last, he flicked the coverlet over the top, running his hand along the creases. All of it was done with military precision, a calming exercise, each sweep of his hand bringing to mind how it had gotten that way in the first place.

"It's just for the night," he'd told her, nuzzling sweet kisses below her ear.

"Too long," she'd whined, dragging him back into bed. "Can't you go next week when I'm not on deadline? That way we can go together?"

"Luke is expecting me." He kissed her on the nose. "I'll come find you as soon as I'm back."

"You better." She'd pulled his lips to hers then, tasting every inch of them with passionate enthusiasm. In the end, he had to pry her away or he'd have missed the ferry.

Life with Rey was full. Each morning, he'd watch the dawn light gild across her face, the glare making her nose wrinkle as she'd nuzzle into his chest, half asleep. She was his own sunshine and now he ached to see her.

He went to leave, stopping at the coffee table to play his next move of Risk on the way out. They'd been playing this round for the whole week. Rey must have been expecting his next move because she'd left him a little note saying, "Don't you dare!". He took the post-it note in his hand and smiled before sliding three troops onto Kijimi where a lone piece of hers remained. She'd be furious; he'd already conquered the Unknown Regions, Hosnian Prime and Crait, and tonight he would claim the mantle of Supreme Leader and enjoy the bounty that came with it. They often battled their differences on the game board, claiming dominion over the other at every opportunity. The game continued, deep into the night, between the sheets, fighting to bring each other to ruin.

And now, he needed to find her.

Ben Solo had never known such peace, and grace, as in those moments when Rey gave herself to him.

The anticipation of seeing her, of being inside her, made his loins stir and he rushed to find her.

Outside, he could see the resort cafe where his parents played a game of poker with Uncle Lando. As if sensing him, Leia looked up and gave him a warm smile.

"Rey's down by the beach!"

"Thanks!" He looked again at the scene below and noticed an extra couple of cards hidden beneath the table. "He's cheating again."

Lando scoured as Han ripped the hidden cards from the man's grip and a pair of aces flew across the table.

"Good work, Ben," Han called.

The three of them laughed and Ben felt something in his chest tighten, a knot of pride, yearning and happiness tied together. Leia had decided to step back from politics, focussing on three different NGOs that she led with a dogged passion, and Han was Han. He enjoyed the company of friends, driving the Falcon, and playing long games of chess with his son over a whisky on the rocks. It gave them a chance to really talk, about life, failure, even love. Ben came to understand he had more in common with his father than he realised, from his mannerisms to his heart.

Ben continued along the lush green grounds and down a sandy path to the beach.

Rey was there, her long slim shadow layered on the sand, warm light painting her skin in gold. Her bare shoulders were bronze, and she was looking down at her feet, watching the clear waves lap at her toes, burying them further in the sand each time it retreated.

He walked towards Rey and a gentle breeze brushed against his black t-shirt, filling the air with sea salt and summer heat. Rey turned, beaming a huge smile that was always reserved for him.

"Trying to sneak up on me, Solo?"

"I took Kijimi." She gave him a mock glare as he came before her and lowered his voice. "Now you and all your territories belong to me."

"You know, I won't surrender that easily?"

He leaned in with hooded eyes, half-hard and desperate to plunder her right now, but she turned on him, glancing warily in the direction of where Han and Leia sitting.

"Did you want to swim? I went in before and the water's still pretty warm."

He took in the sight of her bright eyes and flushed cheeks, then down to her top, where there were two large wet patches over her breasts. "So I see."

She looked down and frowned, also noticing the way her wet swimmers had left two very dubious marks against her olive-green top. "Damn it, that's embarrassing."

"I don't mind, in fact—" he pulled her in a kiss so urgent she stumbled back, pulling him down to her level as he chased her lips with hungry kisses. She tasted like sea salt, fresh waves and sunlight. "I find it kind of hot."

"So, did you miss me?"

"Every second."

They settled on the sand, Rey between his legs as he wrapped his arms around her as they watched the tide roll in. The sand was warm from the heat of the day and Rey rested her head on his shoulder, as gentle waves frothed and played by their feet.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kylo noticed Rey peeking up at him, her gaze meditating on his smile and then down to his shoulders.

"What?" he asked.

"You just seem —" she looked up, searching for the word she wanted. "Light. You seem so much lighter and relaxed. There's colour in your cheeks and by some miracle you've even gotten a tan."

He held her hands in his, their fingers braided together, his thumb softly stroking her skin. They seemed so small compared to his own, but they were strong hands; skin calloused and stained with oil and yet, so beautiful. They were the hands he wanted to see hold his children.

"I'm happy." He glanced down at once more, lifting her hand and pressing whisper-soft kisses against her knuckles.

"I'm happy too, Ben."

He pressed his lips to hers, soft and chaste. They were like this sometimes, quiet and at peace. Those moments were sacred and Ben lost himself in thoughts of her and their future. They were gentle, fingers tracing each other as softly as the wind, lips searching, a ceremony, a discovery of the other. It lasted until the sun touched the ocean, burning with crimson and bursts of gold.

Rey cleared her throat, reminding him that this place, this woman, was real.

"Luke said you had news."

"That crotchety old miser wasn't supposed to say a thing."

Rey smirked, almost seeming to hold her breath, she did this when she had a secret she didn't want to keep.

"What did he say?"

"Nothing." Rey shook her head, her smile deepening.

"Has he told you the whole thing?" Ben asked crossly.

"If it's that you're starting not-for-profit martial arts classes for at-risk children and have already written at least a dozen application letters to get government grants to make it happen then — maybe?"

He groaned, chewing on his lip, that tell-tale tic flicking under his eye. "Fucking Luke Skywalker can't keep his God-damn fucking mouth shut!"

She pressed a warm hand to his thigh, teasing it with her fingers, a clasp, an entreaty. It was their secret language.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"I know. Just thought I'd stop you before you got started."

"It's not like there's anything I can break on the beach, anyway."

Rey kissed his cheek. "Five things."

Ben rolled his eyes. "The sound of the waves."

She held one finger up, and he gritted his teeth together.

"The warmth of the sun on my face."

Two fingers. "How poetic."

"Sea salt."

"Three," she beamed at him and he felt the anger subsiding like the tide, flowing out to sea.

"Your body against mine," he said quietly, moving to kiss her neck.

"Four," she whispered, raising her eyes to the sky as he traced his lips from her ear to her collar bone.

"Hardness," he growled.

"Five." It was barely a word.

His fingers splayed beneath her breast, searching for the line of her bikini bottoms, touching her—

She started and Ben's lips curled in a sinister smile.

"Your wet little—"

"You're better." She slapped his hand away with a laugh and jumped to her feet, pressing the back of her hands to her brazenly red cheeks.

"I wasn't finished," he followed her.

"Is that all Master Luke told you?"

"You mean, there's something else you're hiding from me?" She peered up at him suspiciously.

He pulled her in tighter, clamping his mouth on her neck and sucking hard, lapping her skin with his tongue. The girl was insatiable when she caught whiff of a lead, and this was one story he wasn't ready to share. Fortunately, he knew the fastest way to distract her.

"I'm going to make love to you right now."

She snorted. "Here?"

"Yes, here."

He consumed her, and as always, her body responded, disappearing in his arms, just like the waves got lost in the sand. His hand followed the curve of her back, down—

"Stop it! Your family is up there!"

She had a point. He gave her one last squeeze and tried to push away the thoughts that were overpowering his willpower. "Stop looking so damn hot then."

Rey pulled herself away, lips red and plump from the way he had taken them between his teeth. "We should change the subject."

"Fine." He thought about it. "The room was a mess up there."

"Really?"

"Did anyone tell you that you're a slob?"

"This is your subject?"

He smirked, lowering his head. "We can go back to the other one if you want?"

"If you would stop ripping my clothes off whenever we get up there then maybe it would stay clean?"

"It's a small price to pay, I suppose."

"Cheaper than it used to be."

"Smart arse." He gave her a light slap on the backside but as she went to return the favour, he stopped her.

"What's in your pocket?"

"Nothing. What's in yours?"

She peered at him suspiciously, but dropped it, nevertheless. He was surprised to see she did have something.

"What's that?"

"Umm, only Finn and Rose's wedding invitation!" she shouted with excitement.

"What!?" he grabbed it, barely able to believe his own eyes. "When did this happen?"

"He just told me today. Wanted it to be a surprise."

"Haven't they only known each other for a year or something?"

"Well, they've been living together the whole time. I guess you know, when you know, right?"

He stopped looking at the invitation and met her gaze, searching for something that he hoped was there.

"Right—"

The waves gently lapped at his feet, the sound of them gurgling and brushing against the sand. She had looked away from him then, cheeks pink and an embarrassed smile.

A hundred bucks says you won't last the month, Luke haunted him.

He pushed down the thought. He could at least talk to her about it. It didn't mean he was going to do anything rash.

"So, what do you think?" Ben asked softly. They had hung out with Finn and Rose a few times now; he enjoyed their company and he envied Finn the way he could be so free with Rose. Ben had always struggled with this, there was always something too intense, or too awkward. There was always too much of him.

"What do I think of what?" Rey tried not to look at him and this made him nervous.

"They're getting married."

"Oh, I'm really happy for them!" she said.

"I mean the fact that they're doing it so soon?"

She shrugged, and this time she stole a glance, measuring his expression as much as he was measuring hers.

He swallowed and felt the way his face was grimacing as he did.

"The whole marriage thing," he was barely managing to keep his voice steady now. "Do you mind it?"

"Mind it? Um, I don't know, do you … mind it?"

"No." He shoved his hands in his pocket, grasping hold of the velvet box in one hand and squeezing it like it was a stress ball.

"As in 'no, you don't believe in it?'"

"No, no, I do believe in it. Do you?" Ben said.

"I think it's a good thing. To come together and be a family—" She studied him for a moment, her expression thoughtful and cautious. He wasn't sure what she saw there but something made her rush the next sentence. "I know it's not for everyone though."

What did that mean? He felt his brow creasing as he glowered into the ground.

This was a terrible idea.

"Would—" she continued, but when Ben snapped his eyes up to look at her, she faltered. His face was pulling in all the wrong directions and he was still glaring.

"What?" He sounded fucking rude now, he could see it in her face.

Rey hesitated, somehow looking young and gangly like all her girlish insecurities had come to haunt her. "Would you want to be married one day?"

"Yes."

Fuck, he'd said it too intensely. There were a million thoughts racing through his brain. What if he asked her now? Was there any chance she could say yes? If he showed her the ring and told her how he'd designed it during quiet times in the jail, that he'd forced Master Luke to stop at the jeweller's after their together when he was on bail, so they could start crafting it, that there was no point in waiting because he wanted this now, not in a month, not in a year…

"Me too," her voice was quiet, fading into the background as he agonised over the decision.

He wanted to make it special, to charter a sailboat, or take her away to Thailand, or some exotic destination. Worst of all, he thought about what would happen if she said no, if it was too soon, too much, or he just wasn't the one.

He wouldn't blame her; she'd be right to run...

Ben could feel the subtle flicker of a tic beneath his eye, and when he met her eye, he realised he must have still been scowling because Rey seemed — crushed.

Wait, had she said something?

"Let's go back." There was a frostiness to her voice that wasn't there before.

He snapped out of it. "I didn't hear you."

"Don't worry, we can talk about it later. Come on, I'll cook dinner."

She turned to walk along the sand but he didn't follow.

It was certifiably crazy, but some desperate urge had overpowered him and he lowered to one knee.

"Rey."

It was barely a voice and she kept walking. He should get up. It was too soon … she wouldn't be ready.

Slowly, he began to stand again when she turned and her eyes went wide.

"I ... ah," Ben stammered.

"What are you doing?"

He kneeled and she gaped.

"I know it's too soon," he said in a rush and blinked quickly because goddammit if he was going to cry. "You have so many reasons to say no."

Rey took a step closer, her brows furrowed like she was about to deliver news of a terminal illness.

Shit.

"It could be a long engagement — as long as you want. We could wait until you've finished your studies, or we've moved, or—"

Closer. There were tears in her eyes now.

Fuck.

It was too late now. He squeezed his eyelids shut, determined to see it through.

"I don't know where our lives are going and I know all of this started off really badly— god knows we can never tell our children how we met—" He cringed at that. "If you want kids, do you want kids?"

She nodded, "Yes, not right now though."

"No, not right now."

"But one day…"

"One day would be nice."

"It would."

They stared at each other and Ben almost forgot what he was doing.

"I wouldn't expect you to take my name or anything."

"I'd want to take it. If you're asking me that is —" She looked away, blushing. "Are you asking?"

"I erm."

"Oh my God!" She covered her mouth in shock. "You're really doing it?"

"Shit, I'm nervous at this shit." He'd forgotten how to speak and his hands were sweating as he wiped them on his knee. "Rey, all I know is I want to spend every day of my life with you."

"Ben..."

"Here." he pulled out the small velvet box, opened it, and held it before her. "I know you think I act first and think later, but this isn't an idea I've just had. I wanted to wait until I knew you were going to say 'yes'. But I can't even bear waiting for that anymore—"

His heart was pounding, his breath was shaking and even his fucking fingers were trembling, but he would finish this.

"Rey, are you crazy enough to say yes?"

She was still.

Still as the wind that had died, and the waves that shallowed out in response. The colour rose to her cheeks and her fingers pressed against her lips and then over her heart.

"Please," he whispered, reaching his hand out to hers.

"Please!"

Rey's world slowed.

The sun had fallen and darkness crept into the sky; the white foam brilliant with phosphorescence as waves pounded in a clamorous roar.

A million reasons fired in her brain as to why they should wait and not run head-first into the great unknown.

But when she saw him there, genuflecting at her feet and trembling …

"Please," he'd said it again, but this time it sounded different, softer, mournful, like he'd lost all hope.

"Ben—" She reached out and skimmed her hand against his in the lightest of touches and he raised his dark and desperate eyes.

A warm wind danced across the sand, caressing her face like an invisible force and Rey shivered — because, suddenly, she saw their future, solid and clear.

They were happy.

They loved each other until the end.

They fought with passion and loved with fervour.

And they were never alone.

She smiled at him, knowing they would face the darkness and the light, the good times and the bad together.

"You're not alone anymore, Ben." A tear fell, trickling down her cheek.

"Is that a yes?"

She lowered to her knees, level with him like the equals they were. She kissed his palm and he watched her with wonder, trembling fingers ghosting across her face.

"Yes!"

[sailor-hufflepuff]

Stories that are in the works: The Officer’s Wife (Darklina), Unnamed Star Wars AU (Reylo).

Stories that are almost complete: On the Steps of the Palace (Darklina), Belle and the Dwarf-Dragon (Bagginshield).

Stories that I am totally stuck on: Hold a Sunbeam in Your Hand (Darklina) Part the Shadows Like the Sea (Darklina).

This list is waaaay too long, and feels super overwhelming. But I’m trying. I WANT to finish all these stories, to share them with people, to get them out of my head. I just need the muses to cooperate.

[how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off]

If anything we should be encouraging narratives that portray a healthy, growth-based romantic relationship that benefits both parties mentally and emotionally. Do readers really want to see the opposite? For the plot's sake, sometimes, maybe, but surely even then it should be made clear through the other character's reactions to the situation that the alternative IS NOT a good thing and SHOULD NOT be supported by people who actually love and care about you.

i don’t understand the backlash against strong characters getting a narrative that focuses on them falling in love. can you not be strong AND in love? is it a BAD thing if learning to care for someone else and accept tenderness from them in return is the moral of your story, the catalyst for your redemption, the key to your truth? you don’t have to do everything yourself for your progress to be “real.” you don’t have to struggle through your darkest hour alone to be worthy of respect. that’s not how real life works. sure, most of us have been in situations before where that’s been our only option… but in fiction, where the possibilities are infinite, why wouldn’t we want to see a more hopeful alternative? i’ve been drawn to love stories before i had ever experienced anything close to it irl, before i could even articulate why. but it’s because a “love interest” isn’t a weak or diminishing thing to be. it’s because growth with the help of a loved one is just as valid as growth accomplished alone. it’s because when a powerful, independent, or even villainous person finds the strength to be vulnerable in the face of love, that is a tale that deserves to be told again and again. 

[how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off]

Tag Galaxy: A Laser Tag Reylo Fic

Chapter XI: Two offers and a warning

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To start from Chapter I, go here:

https://how-do-i-turn-this-thing-off.tumblr.com/post/188459963251/reyloday-modern-au-where-ben-is-the-record-holder

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    “Are we fighting or talking, Ben?” Rey asked, raising her eyebrows at him. They were both leaning against short barriers, their masks on but their guns loose in their hands as the game clock wound down.

    “Doesn't matter,” Ben said with a shrug, even though it seemed fairly obvious 'talking' was the right answer. Neither of them had let off a shot since they'd come in; somehow, he was pretty sure neither of them had thought there would be any need to. Turns out they'd both been right.

    “I talked to Leia about Luke,” Rey said. “She says he's retired.”

    “That's one word for it.”

    “She said--,” Rey hesitated, suddenly looking a little uncomfortable, which was new. “Well, she said she doesn't know what happened, exactly, but that you broke his heart.”

    “Luke is a coward and a fool,” Ben replied immediately, not interested in pretending sympathy he knew for a fact he didn't feel. “There's a reason he hasn't told anyone what happened, and it's not because he's too emotional about the whole thing.”

    “But you could have told Leia. And you could tell me.”

    He hesitated, looking down at his gun, running a finger along the trigger guard. He wanted to, badly, and that was precisely what was so odd about this. He had the same strange, inexplicable urge from before to tell her anything, to tell her everything, but there was a fear deep in the pit of his stomach that even if he did she wouldn't believe him. That no one would believe him. A fear that, among so much that felt unfamiliar, was very, very familiar to him.

    “What would you do, if you won?” he asked at last, glancing up at her. “If you got a membership here? What would you do with that?”

   “Well, not this, for one thing,” she said, stretching and nodding towards the door and the rest of Tag Galaxy. “It's exhausting. But I'd want to get better, I guess. And I like playing with my friends.”

    “But would you go pro?” he pressed.

    “I don't know. Not alone, I don't think,” she said, looking back at him.

    “You could go pro with me,” he suggested, tightening his grip on his gun to hide his surprise at himself for having said it out loud, for having thought it at all. He genuinely couldn't keep his head on straight around her; but, since it was out there, he might as well go for it. “Snoke would give you a sponsorship, I know he would,” Ben continued. “I'll talk to him if you want. He probably knows about you already.”

    “A sponsorship so I can play with you?” she asked, studying him, her expression agonizingly impossible to read.

    “Yes.”

    “What if I don't want to play with you? Or if I'm not-- not totally sure about it, yet.”

    Well, that would be the question, and one he had no good answer for. “Rey, you're better than Finn and Han and Poe,” he tried instead. “We'd be good together. And you wouldn't have to fight for it, either. You could just stay, on your own.”

    “Without my friends,” she clarified.

    “You don't need them.”

    She thought that over for a while, which was a bit of a surprise in itself-- he'd half expected her to turn him down outright. He made himself stay silent, waiting, convinced it wouldn't be better to push her on this. She didn't seem like the kind of person that appreciated being pushed. But every second that passed without her saying anything was a strange kind of agony, and even though the levels were kept cool he realized he was sweating, waiting for her to speak.

    “What happened with Luke?” she asked finally, the one thing he hadn't been expecting her to say.

    “It doesn't matter.”

    “What happened, Ben?”

    “Why don't you ask him?”

    “I wanted to,” she said, surprising him again, “but when I asked Leia said he wouldn't even give her his number, let alone me.”

    “He tried to get me drummed out of the league. Tried to have me banned, before I even went pro.”

    “Why?” she demanded, frowning, but without even a hint of the disbelief he'd expected.

    “Snoke had been trying to recruit me. Luke didn't know, yet, but I think he could tell that I was off my game. He was being a lot harder on me than usual-- everything I did was wrong. I went too hard in rounds, I wasn't enough of a team player, I took more shots than I should. He started just shooting me out whenever I did something he didn't like. It was to the point where I couldn't expect to last more than a few minutes in round because Luke would shoot me out as soon as he cornered me. I got pissed.” He shrugged, frowning at the ground himself as he remembered. “We started arguing, really arguing, borderline fights-- then one day after a round, he swung at me.”

    “He attacked you?!” Rey demanded, starting to her feet, gun level in both hands like she'd like to start shooting at something if only there was a target in sight.

    “Yes,” Ben answered, looking up, observing this phenomenon, her outraged expression, her iron grip as the gun all but creaked in her hands. He didn't know what he'd thought her reaction would be but it wasn't this. “I didn't know what to do, so I hit back. I beat him up pretty badly. He went to the league with it, complaining that I was violent and shouldn't be allowed on pro rosters, but since it happened off the course they decided it was a personal thing and wouldn't give him the ban. Barely,” he muttered, reluctantly remembering how close it had been, how much that had stung. Because it was Luke fucking Skywalker, the best ever, golden child of the league three decades running.

    “Ben...,” Rey said in a way that wrenched something in him, a way he didn't like at all.

    “I knew Han and Leia weren't going to believe me,” Ben continued, cutting her off on purpose to keep her from saying whatever she was about to say. “Luke was the one covered in bruises, and I was fine. So I went to Snoke, since he was the only adult I knew outside of my own family. He gave me a sponsorship, even though I had only just gone pro, and he even gave me a place to stay. With Hux,” he added pointedly. “And Phasma joined our team later. And my parents have pretty much just acted like I don't exist anymore, until today.”

    “Ben, you could have just told them,” Rey said.

    “It wouldn't have been that easy, Rey. Even if they'd thought I had a point, I still beat up Luke. I shouldn't have, but....” he shrugged, not wanting to try and justify it, how Luke had caught him off guard, how he'd lashed out, how he'd been told over and over again that he didn't know his own strength and hadn't understood until he was standing over his own uncle, bloodied and on the ground. “His other students came after me on some kind of revenge high. I took them out round after round until they stopped coming. Since then I've pretty much just played the game.”

    “Ben, if Leia knew--.”

    “Leia hasn't tried to see me since I left. She knows where I am. You think she doesn't?” he said pointedly, gesturing towards the door, the lobby, where the screens would be, the rankings showing his legacy score. “Whatever Luke's been pretending went wrong, they all believe him enough that no one ever showed up on this doorstep unless it was to shoot me. I beat her brother half to death, Rey,” he added when her expression seemed to indicate she was still unconvinced. “People saw, or at least they saw what he looked like afterwards. I might not have been drummed out of the league but it sure as hell got me drummed out of my family.”

    “So you're just never coming back?”

    “No one wants me back.”

    She hesitated at that, her eyes shadowed with indecision, taking a step towards him, across the distance separating the short barriers they'd been leaning on. “You could still try to come back if you wanted to.”

    “I wouldn't know how.”

    “But you could. I could help you. We could tell them together.”

    “No,” he said, not so much to her as to the idea, that it could possibly be that easy, that they'd just show up and explain and everything would go back to the way it was. He'd wanted to believe that, needed to believe that, at first, after it had happened, but those days were long gone.

    “Ben,” she said again, just his name, taking another step closer to him. He was still sitting; at this point one more step and she'd collide with his knees.

    “Come to Tag Galaxy, Rey,” he said-- pleaded, almost, which was so unlike him he wouldn't have guessed it was a gesture he was still capable of. He wouldn't have guessed a lot of today was something he was capable of, but here they were. “Or just stay. Snoke would help you, like he helped me, and I could train you. We could play in the First Order, together.” It would be so easy, he wanted to say. Everything would be perfect if I could just convince you to stay with me. But he could already tell just by looking at her that she wasn't ready to be convinced, yet, so instead he said, “We only have three more rounds. And if you don't make it to 16, it's over.”

    “Unless they make us play a dueling round.”

    “Rey, there's no way you'll win a dueling round,” he said, also standing, a head taller than her at least, their masks still on but their guns loose in their hands.

    “Why not?”

    “Because you'd be up against me,” he said, certain it was true. If by some miracle the Rebellion didn't get wiped out before then there was no chance the First Order wouldn't be the ones to join the roster against them on Starkiller, and if she was the best Rebellion player, and he was the best First Order player--.

    “You wouldn't have to.”

    “I'd do it anyway.” Because he'd want her to lose. Because at that point he'd have to make sure she'd lose, so that if she wanted to play at Tag Galaxy she had to do it the same way he had, and join for real. But he was distracted by that train of thought for a moment, distracted because she really was quite close to him, and behind her mask she was staring up at him, and he had the insane urge to take hers off, to take his off, to get closer to her while still safe in the knowledge that there were no cameras on in short rounds--.

    The round timer went off and they both jumped, stepping apart again, as though they didn't want to get caught as close together as they had been even though they hadn't technically been doing anything wrong. Ben turned to Rey, intending to say something more but her head was down as she fiddled with the straps of her chestplate, adjusting one. “We should go,” she said, not looking up.

    “What are you going to do if we knock you out on 14?” Ben asked, following as she headed for the door.

    “Go back to Millennium Falcon.”

    “That's it? That's all?”

    “I want to play with my friends,” she insisted, rounding on him. He stumbled to a halt just shy of her, stepping back again. “I want to go pro with them, and not with some corporate tag chain that just wants to make money off of me.”

    “Fine.”

    “Fine,” she agreed, turning towards the exit again. He watched her go, wanting to follow but knowing for certain that if he did he'd say something insane, something he definitely wouldn't have planned to and wouldn't know what to do with once it was out, because that was what seemed to happen when he was around her. A round ago he hadn't been able to figure out why he'd even told her his real name; now he'd practically given up his whole life story for the asking, and had even suspected he would going in, and somehow it almost seemed like that was fine since it was her. He hadn't even told Phasma about his life before Tag Galaxy, and she was a teammate he'd been playing with for years and years. Rey was not only a stranger, she was a stranger who knew his family and was close enough with them to just call them up on the phone, or drop their names in conversation like it was nothing. He hadn't said Luke's name in he didn't know how long before today, hadn't even heard Han's or Leia's. This girl was trouble, but some kind of trouble he didn't seem to be able to shake, even in his own head.

    He waited until he was sure she'd be either on the elevator or the stairs back down the to public lobby before he followed, taking his time on his way through the empty course as he doffed his helmet, running a hand through his hair, as damp with sweat as if he'd just played a round rather than spending the whole time talking. What would he have done if their helmets weren't in the way? He was almost afraid to think it but the thought kept coming around anyway, distracting him, pulling his attention back to that moment until he was almost unaware that he was leaving the level, brushing past the bored trooper at the entrance and nearly making it all the way to the elevator before he realized there was someone familiar waiting for him.

    “Short round,” Hux said, looking back at 10. It wasn't a question but Ben answered it anyway.

    “Yes.”

    “Did the girl have a lot to say to you? Updates from home? How is Millennium Falcon doing these days? How's Luke?”

    “I want her to join us.”

    That pulled Hux up short, distracting him from whatever vicious tirade he'd had planned as he was forced to process this new information. “Her?” he finally sneered, falling back on his usual disdain in the absence of any real response. “The Rebel girl?”

    “She's good.”

    “She's a casual! She's never played a pro round before today in her life!” Hux snapped. “We don't need someone like her on the First Order roster.”

   “Why?” Ben asked, stepping in it deliberately. “Because she's better than you?”

    The silence that followed was deafening. Hux stared, his mouth one thin, hard line, hands locked in fists at his sides, and for a moment, just one brief but no less painful moment, Ben wondered if Hux would hit him. Instead he only stepped toward Ben, eyes narrowing hatefully.

    “I've been wondering about 12,” he said, so unexpectedly that it made Ben blink. “Your little comment about my second gun. I didn't take that gun out until the end of the round. Where were you at the end of that round, Ben? Going after the traitor, like you were supposed to?”

    “I'd already taken both the traitor and Poe out by then. I shot them myself in the time it took you to fail to get Rey.”

    “Yes, you had. I know you had, because I went down to the desk and asked them to check the gun logs. You know who else you took out, Kylo Ren?” Hux hissed, his tone savage, his expression pure venom. “Right before I got the Rebel girl, you shot me.”

    Ben had nothing to say to that. He was caught and they both knew it, and while Hux shouldn't have had that second gun it was still a flimsy excuse for shooting your own teammate. Hux stared him down, his vicious streak on full display in his eyes, in the tight way he held himself, in the hard slash of his mouth, and for once Ben was forced to wonder who would win in a physical fight between them. He hadn't physically hit anyone since Luke, and hadn't intended to, but if Hux went for him in a mood like this he had no idea what would happen next.

    “You better watch your back on 14, Ben Solo,” Hux finally said, stepping away, punching the button for the Member's locker room. “Because even if the First Order plays you're not going to have any friends on that course.”

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A/N: This is the last Tag Galaxy chapter I had started before TROS came out but I honestly don’t think it’ll make that much of a difference.  I pretty much had the plot in mind in broad strokes, so I think the story will be much the same.  There may be some ~themes~ that make it in (see if you can spot the one that already has!) but overall we’ll be headed the same way we have been :)

All my Reylo fics, in one place on Ao3! :

https://archiveofourown.org/users/how_do_i_turn_this_thing_off