#rewatched jedi night while drawing this

[cameoliob]

Kanan deserved to be able to raise his son.

[several-ravens]

i'm rewatching episode 3 of the acolyte and i'm noticing a lot of weird things about the fire at the coven

conspiracy theory under the cut

since episode 1 this show is about appearances and deception

first with osha being arrested for mae's crimes and the twins being mistaken for one another, then with the stranger posing as innocent and awkward qimir before being revealed as mae's master, and more generally with the power of the jedi and the council being built on lies and them not being as good as they seem

and from the beginning, the show has been telling us that mae is the one that started the fire that burned the coven and killed everyone, but also that the four jedi feel extreme guilt (up to the point of comitting suicide for master torbin) for what happened that night

so as i said, i'm rewatching episode 3 and everything is going well up until osha packs her bag to leave with the jedi and mae confronts her in their room. here's what happens:

mae steals osha's notebook

she runs out of the room and locks the door behind her

she sees the drawing of the lightsaber and the logo of the jedi order

she's angry, and she picks up the lamp from the wall and sets the notebook on fire

then we get a shot of osha running to the window to call her mother, and we hear the sound of the lamp breaking

osha turns around, the fire starts to spread

then we get a shot of the empty corridor with no trace of mae

for now this still seems somewhat logical since mae told osha that she wanted to kill her (and has displayed some signs of cruelty before) but bear with me

osha escapes the room though the vent thing and starts looking for mae

we hear them calling out each other's name until they both stand on the opposite ends of the metal walkway and mae says "jump over to me"

that's what makes me think mae didn't mean what she said when she told her sister that she was going to kill her

but who do we see running around the coven? master sol.

what is he doing here? great question.

did he have the time to go through the forest, climb the mountain and find his way into the building since the fire started? absolutely not.

mae "dies"

sol saves osha

they run next to a bunch of witches who are very much dead but are not burned, have not been crushed by rubble and do not seem asphyxiated by smoke of any kind (since osha and sol are breathing perfectly fine)

SO since we have one jedi running around being suspicious, why not have four?

i think mae set fire to the notebook, but one of the jedi smashed the lamp and set fire to the building while the others killed the witches, probably in order to "save" both twins

but mae "died", and they realised they fucked up big time and set their story straight and pin the fire on the dead kid (who can never corroborate their story since, you know, she's dead)

which would explain the guilt they all seem to feel about that night, and why all the witches seemed to have died on the spot, and qimir's little speech about "galactic dominance in the name of peace which is a lie" from episode 2

one last thing: we don't have a clean shot on torbin's face but he appears in the background when they are back at the ship and even though he's blurry, you can clearly see he has a new wound on his face wich will leave the scar he has in episode 2

thank you for coming to my ted talk

[charmwasjess]

So, let's say George Lucas was more self aware producing/directing the prequels and hired you to reign him in/keep him on track. How would the prequels be different?

What a fucking FUN question. :D I've been chewing over this in my inbox for a couple days.

Honestly you couldn't pay me enough to write for Star Wars, and that's not just because I'd be fired on my second day for making it so gay. I think there absolutely are problems in the prequels, but I also think no matter what films they made, it was going to be a difficult tango of trying to keep an existing fanbase happy while attracting new ones, doing the old story homage but also not just retreading stale territory, and the fact that an entire generation came up with headcanons for what the Clone Wars or young Obi-Wan or Vader was like in that era, and no matter what you do, someone was going to be disappointed.

I also have a ton of sympathy for Star Wars writers in general - I see stories like Mike Chen who wrote the Brotherhood novel having to get the book together in three months over 11 drafts or the Rebels writers working unpaid nights and weekends to try to land the story they loved decently because they weren't given enough time or money. I don't know what it's like to write or create content for Lucasfilm, but I can't help but think of Warren Fu, who created the iconic General Grievous design for Lucas, later drawing himself as Sifo-Dyas being drained of blood to create Grievous. The metaphor he chose there is, um, interesting, to say the least, and I wonder how it reflects on his time at Lucasfilm. I see these anecdotes all the time of writers and creators working incredibly hard for little money or recognition and then their passion project gets changed or sidelined by the powers that be within the franchise.

ANYWAY THAT SAID HERE'S HOW I'D FIX THE PREQUELS- I think it's really a matter of redrafting what's there because so much of it is really good and has great potential. I just rewatched the Phantom Menace, so that's on my mind. Yeah, I remember being little enough that Jar Jar Binks was funny to me - I love Ahmed Best - but having just rewatched it, Jar Jar gets a ton of screentime and that could be better balanced. AND oofa-doofa, the racist accents/stereotypes. Cut cut cut. Rework.

Otherwise, I think there's a tendency - and some of it was the popular movie tropes at the time the films were going out - to rely on Idiot Plot. OOPS, Anakin didn't mean to go to the big space battle!!! He just won the day on accident!! To a lesser degree, many other characters make it through the movie by just sort of guessing and lucking their way into it as a narrative choice. Just going by the fact that the films need to be about the good guys losing because it's a prequel for a saga with no Jedi, I'd like a little bit more agency for them. More moments of saying "yes, I want to do this" and less "wow, what the hell is going on?!"

The other big change I'd make is give Obi-Wan a much larger role in the Phantom Menace, and Padme a bigger part in both AotC and especially RotS. (Actually, she really kicks ass in TPM. That moment where she shoots through the window and the duel of the fates music swells? Ascension guns!! I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.) I think Anakin is the most sympathetic when he's seen through the eyes of characters who love him and vouch for him. And Obi-Wan is honestly barely in TPM - it's all Qui-Gon, who I love, but I could see the film being really successful through him as our perspective/focus character instead. The way that Luke Skywalker takes us with him on this adventure and shows us the story. Obi-Wan could do that very effectively. And as much as the prequels are about Anakin's fall, they're also ultimately a story of Obi-Wan's survival.

And I'd cut Count Dooku, for no reason other than I don't like how weird I got about that guy.

[bereft-of-frogs]

Ok yes, I did a rewatch of the back half last night while waiting for the neighboring nightclub to close (they were really loud last night for some reason, I think they might have partially been outside? it was a nice night. Idk but I wasn’t going to sleep until at least closing time, so I watched a star war. or. 3 star war.)

this got SO long (did you guys know there are character limits on text blocks? WHO KNEW) so I'm cutting it

it’s so funny how immune I am to shipping. Totally cold. The High Republic has got me a couple times: Xiri and Phan-Tu's arranged political marriage that turns to genuine love and shockingly Xylan/Cair. (Why does Xylan drive me so crazy and yet this ship gets me EVERY time it comes up. He's the WORST but I love him and his cute husband and their dog. Argh.) Elzar/Avar is like...background radiation, you can't not but it's not like...I'm that gripped by it if you know what I mean? But yeah, I'm sorry, I tried to watch this latest episode through a more romance focused lens and was just left with....no.

There's arguments about whether or not he was being manipulative or genuinely vulnerable, if you really want to read it as genuine that's cool for you, I'm a bit more on team manipulation, because I was really appreciating on the rewatch just how good he is at being the exact kind of person needed to 'collect people.' Kudos Manny Jacinto, his range and the number of characters he's playing in one is so good. With Mae, he's a kind of bumbling smuggler she can feel like she's bossing around and an ally against their distant master (like she was kind of bossy of Osha when they were kids, and in the way might have felt she and Osha were allied against their moms/the coven/the galaxy). With the Jedi he intends to kill, he relishes in being their boogeyman. (I think that's closest to his true face, tbh, because he doesn't need anything else from them but their deaths.) He pushes the exact right buttons with Sol to hit at his emotional weak points (the raw grief from Jecki's death, what he's been hiding about Brendok), and now with Osha he's giving her what she wanted. Someone on reddit actually really nailed exactly what he was going to offer her: belonging, transparency, a way to connect with powers she's always struggled with that neither the coven nor the Jedi seem to have been able to draw out.

(A Sol 'Night' aside before I get back to the latest episode: there really is a good chunk of time after Osha wakes up where we don't know where both he and Jecki are, and I'm more solid that ever in my headcanon that he was getting her out of the main fight, probably instructing her to apprehend Mae, which yeah is dangerous but not 'Sith' level dangerous, and sit tight or head back to the ship, especially because then the first thing he does when he's back in the fight is order Osha and Yord back to the ship. Checkmate, Qimir, you ass.)

Okay, so, I want to note the exchange where Osha lists off that he's killed Yord and Jecki and he deflects because ow. Two things: 1) he's not even objectively right in what he's saying, 2) huge red flag that he...really doesn't see them as people, and only focuses on what they can *do* for Osha.

1) His response to her bringing up Yord is something like 'yeah and he totally would have turned you in' which is outdated information, my guy. Yes, he did think Osha had killed Indara but...it wasn't an unreasonable conclusion to draw. Osha had motive (if she was bitter Indara advocated for her training to stop), means (training), and opportunity (she had a day off and apparently no alibi, it's a bit clunky writing because she says that to a coworker and not Yord but...we have to go with it), and a witness identified her. Literally, once they figure out she's innocent Yord immediately stands up for her (when he follows her in the Temple), and all of their other interactions have been like...sibling-bickering level disagreements, him saying some pretty insightful stuff about facing her past, and trying to protect her in the forest. Justice for Yord, he was totally reasonable in suspecting Osha and was loyal to the end.

As for Jecki....yeah there's NO way of knowing how that would have gone, Qimir, because you killed her! Literally who knows! This was a teenager with a crush on the cool older girl, it could have fizzled naturally, Jecki could have decided that being a Jedi was more important than her feelings for Osha (what Qimir suggests as an inevitability), or it's totally possible that it DOES grow into something deeper and Jecki decides to leave the Order and they go get married or whatever. We'll literally never know, because he murdered her.

2) Which leads to point two: He literally only points out what they can *do* for Osha which I think glosses over the point that...they were people. It doesn't matter what they could have done to or for Osha, he shouldn't have killed them because they were people. He was the clear aggressor in the attack, they were defending themselves. (And you KNOW he had a lot of fun doing it, him being like 'oh I had to' yeah right bro.) They deserved to live just because...they were people. That's it. The response to all of this is 'that doesn't matter...you still killed them.' And I think that encapsulates the exact difference between Sith and Jedi ideas of love. The Jedi ideal of love is allowing these people to exist and grow outside of your ideas of them and what they can 'do' for you. And the Sith love is about usefulness and possession, not loving them as full people who have deep internal lives and can make their own choices. Idk. I've already seen the inevitable 'he has a point though, the Jedi suck because they don't allow people to feel as deeply as Osha, wow', but...what the Sith offer is not real love. Real love would not dismiss these relationships and the weight of their deaths just because they didn't have 'use' to Osha...

Anyway, I don't know how articulate that was, but no, Qimir did not 'have a point' with that scene any more than he had a point about...pretty much anything else. Boooo

Sol and Mae's back and forth on the ship is so interesting, especially trying to pinpoint the moment Sol figures out it's Mae. I think it is when they are talking in the dark. Basically everything after a certain point in that conversation can be interpreted as him poking at her to see if she'll slip up, or could be interpreted as being also addressed to Mae.

I also saw people saying Sol seemed to be taking a dark turn, and I definitely think the episode was meant to get us to think that (get more into Mae's headspace), but at least with the scene where he takes a minute downstairs to lash out and regain composure is pretty classic emotional regulation, I don't see that as particularly out of line. That fight was a huge emotional blow, it makes sense that he needs to go have a moment to feel those big feelings and he does seem to come back more focused. Where he's starting to make mistakes, is letting his feelings of guilt about Mae and Brendok guide his actions. I think he wants the chance to explain himself to her without the Order getting involved but...it's also not a great move to ignore a command to stay put and then disappear.

Another Problem: Bazil is seeing a lot of this without context. My 'Sol gets framed and that's how the Sith goes unnoticed and that's the solve to the how to kill a Jedi without a weapon' going stronger than ever. I think Bazil is going to be a problem if he survives (and they can find someone else who can talk to him without Yord.)

Also speaking of perfectly reasonable accusations, people are being So Mean about Vernestra and her apprentice but...as much as it's going to be a huge tragedy if/when Sol gets framed, it IS a reasonable accusation. Sol is the only survivor of the massacre and has done a couple of pretty shady things. I agree that Vernestra doesn't seem to fully buy it (and may have additional information), but I think in that scene, she's trying to talk herself out of it and running up against the evidence. I kind of liked the Socratic teaching vibes of that scene. Like she could have just said it herself, she clearly knew, and people are interpreting THAT as manipulation (leading her apprentice into making the accusation so she doesn't have to), but...it seemed like a teaching thing.

I also 'get' all the accusations that Vernestra was Qimir's master (his Jedi master at least, there is NO way they'd make Vernestra Sith, and if they did they'd immediately lose a bunch of the book readers, given the state of the subreddit after the episode aired and the theories started rolling out. Including me, if they make Vernestra a Sith I would immediately stop watching.) but: 1) lol that's my girl, if she was, she was probably right to kick him out of the Order, 2) I hope they leave that for a potential second season. Headland said there's 4-5ish mysteries that remain to be potentially explored later, and it's definitely centered around Qimir, so I'm hoping they just don't address it and I can later choose how invested I get in a second season (too late for this one, I'm already invested).

I am still holding out hope that it's a red herring though. That seems like it would have been the perfect time to drop a heavy accusation to Osha and continue driving a wedge between her and the Jedi, but he really lets that hang. I'm holding out hope that in fact he was 'thrown away' by a Sith master. Like he washed out of the Sith like Osha washed out of the Jedi, which would be a nice parallel for them. Apparently we're still missing a cast member? Someone has been confirmed in the cast and hasn't shown up yet, I'm betting they're the real Sith and they're going to come in like, right at the end as a lead-in to a second season focused more on the Sith side.

these are partially just hopes and dreams so I can dodge them trying to do something #Bad with Vernestra, but I also just think there's too much to wrap up in one final episode (not counting the next since it's probably all flashback) to also get into a whole Qimir backstory. I don't think people are going to...love that.....but it makes sense to me to set up a bridge to the second season, while wrapping up Sol, Osha, and Mae's storyline primarily.

I love immediately going back on everything I say 'I'm not going to post theories' *immediately posts theories*, 'I'm going totally offline' *writes essay-length posts on both reddit and tumblr*. What can I say, I was bored and had a lot of thoughts.

tldr: more power to the shippers, hope this doesn't come off as being an anti but I am not feeling it, Qimir is Not Correct, and I'm really holding out hope the lightwhip was just a Vernestra book easter egg like the hyperspace visions reference (which, btw, people are also misinterpreting rip)

[distortionbobble]

the stars between

one | two | three 

pairing: anakin skywalker x fem!poc!reader

summary: when senator padme needs protection on naboo, both you and anakin are assigned. you love him and he loves you, but you can never be together and both of you know it. complications ensue. (mostly adjacent to attack of the clones canon but i took some artistic liberties at the end). 

warnings: minors dni. angst. there is angst in this. religious imagery, p in v (unprotected, wrap before you tap always), fingering, some sensory play, power dynamics in sexual contexts, marking up

word count: 8.8k

a/n: this is the song i listened to while writing this fic and i love it so much. also after rewatching attack of the clones for the 20th time for this series i have realized that anidala went real fuckin fast like . whoa! okay then. also the obi wan Kenobi final made me so emotional

He feels you when he wakes up. 

Anakin opens his eyes to an empty bed, where he can still see the indent that your body has left next to his. It can’t have been too long since you’ve been gone, because he feels the traces of warmth from you when he runs his hand over the sheets. 

Then he laughs in disbelief, because you’re his. Last night told him that much. You’ve always been beautiful. Always. But he’s never gotten the chance to count the moles and battle scars on your body, never been able to mark you as his, never seen you look at him with that much adoration in your eyes. You’re his, and you love him. 

He’ll never let you go now. It would break him, shatter him, he thinks, if he had to draw even a single breath without you. Is this the emotion that the Jedi warned against? Anakin can’t fathom you being a weakness to him, even as he rises from the bed to follow your force signature without even being aware of his movement, too lost in the need to find you. 

You’re consuming his mind, and he adores you for it. 

~~~

“So soon, padawan?” Obi-Wan breaks his silence to ask you, running his hand over his beard thoughtfully. He gets up from his position on the floor to meet your eyes, a hidden sadness reflecting in them. And it hurts more than you thought it would, now that you’re face-to-face with the man who raised you, loved you, healed your wounds. Your throat constricts as emotion swells from its hiding place deep within, and you can only nod as you fight back the burning teardrops collecting in your eyes. 

He looks down at his hands, breathing deeply as he deliberates over the correct course of action. You understand, of course. It’s a time of war, and you leaving creates a hole in the fabric of the security blanket designed to protect the peace of the universe. And over your inner frustrations and betrayal to the Jedi Code, you have a responsibility to protect that peace. The oath you swore as a youngling does nothing to stop the acidity at eating your throat from the anxiety of the unknown. 

“I’ll bring it up to the Council, but I must insist that you stay here with Anakin and I to protect Senator Padme. The Senator’s safety is crucial to the fate of the Republic, and we must do everything in our power to keep her safe. Young one, you are brilliant and will undoubtedly make change no matter where you go, but I fear the consequences if we do not act carefully will be rather severe.” 

You know he’s right. At least now you know what to expect and you prepare yourself for it mentally. But are you strong enough to let go of Anakin?

“Y/n, I didn’t realize the toll that last night’s fight took on you. Do take some rest, padawan.” 

“Huh?” You’re unsure what he means by that. The only real injury you have, aside from minor scratches, is the blast wound that’s hidden by your robes. 

“On your neck,” he gestures. “There’s some bruising on your skin.” Fuck. Memories of Anakin’s mouth marking your skin flash before your eyes, and a wave of heat runs down your skin.

Obi-Wan gives you a strange glance as your thoughts burst indecipherably, then settles back down on the floor. 

“Everything will be alright,” your master assures you, eyes closed. “Do join me in meditation, padawan. Fear is a powerful tool that can lead you astray.” 

You sit facing him, and allow your thoughts to dissolve, mind embracing the blankness. And there is no Anakin, no Jedi Consular, nothing save the peace that Obi-Wan has taught you to find over the years. But then the hiss of the doors opening jolts you back to the world, and you open your eyes to Anakin settling down next to you. 

He turns to you briefly, with just the barest hint of a sweet secret smile. Guilt settles in the pit of your stomach, heavy and unforgiving, because you know that he’s absolutely clueless. Anakin Skywalker is your best friend, and yet you want to leave him without a word. You force a weak smile back at him. 

Anakin reaches out to you, Obi-Wan’s eyes still closed, and allows his pinky to rest just brushing against yours. You are connected to him, and just from the slight touch of his hand you can almost feel every cell in his body moving in perfect synchrony, every little bit of the essence of Anakin Skywalker. And Maker, you never want to let go. 

But you look at Obi-Wan, and your deceit turns the warmth of his finger against yours into a burning flame. You quickly shift your hand, pretending not to notice the flash of hurt that crosses Anakin’s face. 

No, it’s better this way, you think. This way, you’re both safe. Anakin will save the Force, bring it into that dazzling light of his, and you can fade into the background. Maybe he’ll still care for you, deep down. Maybe he’ll hear your name in passing, twenty years from now, and his heart will skip a beat. And he’ll remember you, the warmth of your skin and the softness of your lips and his hand will brush against his lips like he can still feel them. 

Or maybe he won’t care about you at all. Maybe he won’t recognize your name, walk undeterred as he fulfills his destiny. And you won’t be anything but a distant someone he used to know. 

~~~

“Troubling, this is,” Master Yoda hums thoughtfully. You force yourself to remain stiff under your robes, trying not to bring too much attention before the Council. Their commanding presences make the chamber almost suffocating, and Anakin turns his head to you imperceptibly as you attempt to reel in your anxieties. The gesture soothes you anyways. He knew how nervous the Council made you, even from a young age. Next to Anakin, your abilities paled, and you knew they expected little of you. Still, there remained that innate desire to get their validation, for them to see you as just as bright as Anakin. 

Composure. You need to maintain composure. 

“We lost the bounty hunter,” You interject quietly. Master Windu nods at you in understanding, and you feel just marginally more at peace. You’ve always felt that Master Windu has the most respect and understanding for you, and you can breathe just a little easier. 

“Track down the bounty hunter, you must, Obi-Wan,” Master Yoda responds. This close to him, you can see the lines on his face. You wonder briefly if he ever gets tired of loneliness, of the burden he has to carry. How many Jedi has he outlived? How many has he taken in as younglings, only to watch them fade in time? There’s so many lifetimes packed into his soul, each one undoubtedly extracting a heavier toll than the last as the universe settles itself in a nest of chaos. 

“Most importantly, find out who sent him,” Master Windu adds. 

You find yourself blanking as the Masters continue to discuss, only snapping back sharply to reality when Anakin speaks, saying your name with a reverence you’re sure you imagined. Only then do you realize that you’ve been roped into more of this, more of being consumed by your biggest temptation. There is no easy escape now. The attempt on Senator Amidala’s life and your actions following the attack have left you vulnerable and weak, and now you have to assist Anakin in escorting and guarding her in Naboo. 

“While Anakin speaks with Chancellor Palpatine, I shall speak with the Senator and convey the gravity of the matter. I hope that she will not only go, but will remain compliant with our advice as we continue to guide her,” you add after Master Windu’s instructions. He spares you the slightest smile before the three of you bow to the Council and walk out of the chamber. Your eyes are trained on the hem of Anakin’s robes as it sweeps against the ground. Once you’re outside, you find yourself rushing your pace until your footsteps are matched with his, still shadowing Obi-Wan. 

“I don’t like this, Ani,” you murmur to him, turning to study his reaction from his side. The nickname slips out of your lips. You can’t stop your eyes from drifting across the defined, sloping lines of his face before settling on the soft pink of his lips. You want to kiss him again, the way you kissed him last night, but you force yourself to look at Obi-Wan instead of allowing yourself to dwell in the forbidden. 

“Why?” He questions back, slipping your hand into his as you walk quickly. It’s hidden by the sleeves of your robes, and you don’t have the strength in you to pull away. You hold your love for him in your hand, a secret in the sanctuary of truth. 

“There’s something unsettling about the Chancellor, Ani. Just please be careful about what you say to him, and be wary about what he says to you. I know you consider him a friend, but for my sake—” 

“For your sake?” He interrupts, voice raising slightly. Obi-Wan looks back at the two of you in warning before turning to continue forwards to the transporter. You squeeze his hand in warning lightly. He murmurs your name to get your attention again. “You haven’t even looked at me today. All you’ve done is shut me out. And now suddenly it’s for you?” Anakin hisses out of frustration. 

“Ani, I know I hurt you today, and I promise that wasn’t my intention,” you whisper back. Your voice threatens to break as you swallow your betrayal to him, because you wanted to leave him all alone and if this hurts him now, it would’ve broken him if you had left entirely. And you wish you could take his pain away, absorb every bit of hurt seeping out of his beautiful flaws. You’ve already given and taken too much, though, so you allow yourself only the momentary comfort of his hand. No more. 

He sighs and squeezes your hand in reassurance, leaning down to kiss the top of your head swiftly before releasing your hand and stepping away. “I’ll be careful,” he promises.

~~~

“The Council wants me to leave?” Padme exclaims. 

“M’Lady—-”

“No,” she interrupts. “Do they understand how important it is that the Military Creation Act is brought down? The fate of the galaxy is in question right now, and I am to hide? Like a coward?” 

“Hiding does not make you a coward, Milady,” you refute, but she turns to face the window and inhales sharply through her nose, clearly frustrated by your words. You kneel before her and take her hands in yours, forcing her to look at you. “Hiding does not make you a coward,” you repeat. 

She holds you in that perceptive stare of hers, unmoved and held firm by her resolution. Frankly, you expected no less from her, and her stubbornness makes you smile. She’s similar to you, you think, like a slightly older version of you.

“I understand your determination to see this through,” you continue, “but as a Senator, you’re far too valuable to put at risk for this single act. I admire you greatly, Milady, and I and many others feel that you are bound to create far more positive change in the future. Please, don’t let your fight for good end here. I know Anakin mentioned it to you last night and you didn’t like hiding then either, but… all the Jedi ask for here is time. Once Obi-Wan tracks down the bounty hunter and whoever is behind this, you’ll be back working in the Senate.” 

“Oh, you’re right. It’s just, I feel this anxiousness inside me. Like if I’m not there to ensure the destruction of the act, everything will fall apart.” Padme looks at her hands, rubbing the joint of one of her fingers with her thumb. She cares about the Republic and its people just as much as you do, and you understand her fears. 

“Milady,” you begin softly, but Padme shakes her head before you can finish. 

“Padme.” 

“Padme.” You smile back at her, full of admiration for this incredible woman. “You’ve put in all the work and preparation for this to go smoothly. This battle is almost won, so now it’s time to put your trust in democracy, trust the others in the Republic and keep yourself safe. Chancellor Palpatine will put the rest into motion, so please, don’t worry about anything other than staying safe.” 

She nods quietly at your persuasion and squeezes your hands softly. 

“Well, I’d better go pack then.”

“Would you like my assistance, Padme?”

~~~

Anakin can sense that something’s different between you and Padme, now that he’s back from the Chancellor. A bond wavers faintly between the two of you, one that relies on the foundations of mutual respect. It’s not quite friendship, but any of the coldness that Anakin had sensed before is dissipated. You’ve folded the last of her clothes and head to your room before Anakin gathers the courage to speak to Padme. 

“So? Did you tell her how you feel?” Padme whispers to him, voice hushed like she doesn’t want you to know. It’s a gesture of kindness on her part, sparing both you and Anakin the humiliation of publicly straying from the Jedi Code. 

“Yes,” Anakin breathes out, and his heart soars just thinking of you. Padme smiles at the lovestruck expression on his face and sits on her bed, patting the space next to her. Anakin sits next to her, and Padme places her head softly on his shoulder. “I don’t know what will happen now, though,” he admits to Padme. 

“Aren’t Jedi forbidden to love, Anakin?” 

“Well, I—” 

He’s interrupted by the sight of you standing in the doorway, the shyest hint of a frown marring your face as you take in the position of him and Padme, together. He wonders how much of their conversation you heard. 

“To some extent, yes, milady,” you respond. He can feel the chill in your voice again, and he wonders if it’s jealousy. He can’t imagine why you’d be jealous. He loves you like he could no other, so much so that in your presence he can only feel you. Padme stiffens next to him and lifts her head off of his shoulder, staring directly into your eyes.

“Isn’t that just awful, though?” Padme asks. You smile but it doesn’t quite meet your eyes, and Anakin can feel that you’re absolutely furious with him. 

“Not necessarily, milady. Love is destructive. Makes us lie, fosters hate. It forces even the kindest people to do the most horrible acts. The Jedi Code recognizes that. Those who wield the Force have a responsibility to sacrifice love to truly embrace the Light side.” 

“Isn’t our principle of acting with compassion rooted in love, though? Are we not required to love to act as enforcers of the light?” Anakin asks desperately, because he sees your message clearly and he doesn’t like it. 

“Romantic love is different, Ani,” you sigh, and Anakin notices the nickname that slips from your lips before your mouth tightens in annoyance. He calls your name softly and stands up, paying no heed to the watchful eyes of the Senator by his side. 

“Can I speak to you outside? About some of the details of the transport. I want to run them by you, make sure everything is correct.” You nod but keep your eyes fixed on the Senator. 

“Milady, shall I instruct Captain Typho and Dorme to assist you with your bags?” 

“There’s no need. I’ll call them up and tell them myself. You just worry about figuring out your… transport situation.” You bow at Padme’s dismissal and follow Anakin out the metal doors. He whirls around and pushes you by your shoulders against the circular fame of the doors when they hiss shut. 

“Why were you talking about love with Padme? Maker, Anakin, have you no respect for the Jedi Code, flirting with the very person we’re on this mission to protect?” You fight to keep your voice hushed, but you can’t keep the accusation out of it. 

“I wasn’t flirting with Padme. We’re just friends.” Anakin crosses his arms, and you can tell he’s irked, but you couldn’t care less. 

“Yeah. Right. Because the last time we started talking about love, it’s not like we fucked or anything right?” 

“It’s different with you,” he growls. “And don’t say we fucked. What we did was making love. I love you. I don’t love Padme. That, y/n, is the difference.” 

“Well, you shouldn’t love me. We shouldn’t love each other. This is wrong, Anakin! Do you know how furious Master Obi-Wan would be if he found out about this?” You ask, furiously gesturing between the two of you. “This was a mistake.”

“Don’t you dare call it a mistake,” Anakin snarls. “Don’t you dare, not when I love you like this.” Your breath catches in your throat and all you can do is stare helplessly at him, almost overwhelmed by the strength of his love. And the way he looks at you makes you feel so wanted, so needed that it does feel right. Too right. Which is what snaps you back into reality, where your fate depends on the trajectory of this relationship. 

“Why? That’s all we are, Ani. That’s what this is. A fucking mistake. And if we don’t end this now, we could be led to the Dark Side.” Your voice is sharp, cutting, but it doesn’t seem to impact Anakin as he paces in front of you. 

“Then we’ll leave! Forget the Order. Forget all of this. One word, and we’ll leave this all behind. No Dark Side. No Light Side. Just us, and the future we could have together.” His proposal makes you scoff. 

“And you don’t see the danger in your thoughts? Our love already drives you to the Dark side, to the path of selfishness. You’re the Chosen One, Anakin. You have a responsibility to the galaxy to protect it.” 

“I never asked to be the Chosen One! I never wanted this! And you know that!” Anakin bursts out. And just briefly you put yourself in his shoes, understanding the burden that lies on his shoulders every day. Pressure from Obi-Wan to live up to Qui-Gonn’s expectations of what he truly could become, pressure from the Council to bring the Jedi Order into a new age. In fact, when you think about it, you’re sure that the only time that Anakin doesn’t feel pressure about his determined identity as the chosen one is when he’s with you. And now you’ve gone and ruined his safety, turning into the very thing you were unknowingly shielding him from. It feels like a blow to the stomach, nausea making your blood pump faster. Your vision gets almost dizzy as regret overtakes you, but then you remember Anakin’s ambition and realize you don’t need to be his safety right now, you need to be the reason he becomes the Jedi he was meant to be. 

“Oh, but it works so well for you, doesn’t it? You’re addicted to power, Anakin. You’ll talk about this all you want but you could never give it up. You love this life far too much, but if you want to earn being a Council Member and a Master, finally earn Obi-Wan’s respect, make Anakin Skywalker a name that’s just as strong as Yoda’s, then this? This is fruitless.” Your knees buckle at your final word, because now Anakin knows now that you have no place in his life. You know him too well to expect him to choose you, but for just one heartbeat you wish everything was different. 

Anakin’s thumb swipes across your cheek and you realize you’re crying, gasping for air desperately. 

“I love you,” you whisper. “But it’s not enough. It’s not worth you throwing away the security of the galaxy for me. I can’t let you do that, Anakin. I won’t let you do that.” Anakin doesn’t answer you, just bringing you into his embrace as you try to regain your composure. 

“I’ll show you that we can love each other fully without the universe burning around us. I promise.”

“Please just love me less,” you say. Your voice is dry and scratchy but you put strength into it while shoving him off of you. “I don’t want to lose you, or have either of us lose our status as Jedi. Please. Don’t touch me, Anakin.” 

“I see,” he murmurs and steps back, sparing you a lingering glance full of silent longing, desperate for you to change your mind before he turns and walks away from you. 

~~~

“This is your first solo mission. I trust you’ll be careful and remember your training to stay calm and please, don’t do anything without first consulting me or the Council,” Obi-Wan warns. Then he says your name. “Keep an eye on Anakin,” he instructs you quietly.

“Of course, Master,” you bow your head in deference to him, and step off with Padme by your side. You’re not used to the bulky garb you wear now, matching Padme in the style of dress, minus the headpiece, to pass better as peasants, and your walk is awkward with it as you make your way onto the transporter. 

“Anakin, a word?” Obi-Wan calls out, and Anakin turns back to him, nearly hitting him with the oversized poncho that he wears instead of his usual robes. 

“Sorry, Master,” he chuckles, but Obi-Wan does not return Anakin’s nonchalance. 

“Don’t get overconfident in your abilities, Padawan. This is your first mission without me, and I want you to take this seriously. It’s an honor to serve the Senator, but you must always keep your responsibilities as a Jedi in mind.” Obi-Wan pauses. “And please, take care of one another.” 

“Yes, Master.” Anakin watches you walk to the transporter that will take you to Naboo, body stiff in that way that he knows is because of your discomfort. All he wants is to pick you up and spin you until you’re dizzy and laughing and happy, but he knows he can’t do that anymore. Or he’d break his own heart over and over again, obsessed with the sound of your joy.

After he bows to Master Obi-Wan, he walks over to you, unable to look away. The breeze pushes aside a lock of your hair and as he nears, he can see the bruising details of his love evident on your skin. 

It makes something inside of him snap.

He wants to see you like this always, marked up by him, marked so that everyone knows you’re his and he is yours. He wants to be yours. He wants to make love to you every night and love you so hard you forget your name, forget the Force, forget the Jedi Council.

But then you turn to him and smile, and it’s reserved from him in a way he’s never seen from you before, and he remembers the promise he made to you. To love you less, to limit his boundless adoration and confine it until it bursts. He’s promised the impossible. But to see you smile at him normally, he’d do anything. 

Even this. 

~~~

You’ve never been able to tolerate the transition into hyperdrive. Something about it made you nauseous. Even now, your skin was flushed and palms clammy as you sat before the Senator, tightly gripping Anakin’s hands. 

“Is she okay?” Padme asks Anakin. You can hear them only faintly, like you’ve been submerged underwater, but the gentle pressure of Anakin’s hand in your own reminds you to breathe. He’s your oxygen, and you only regret your reliance on him that much more because you love him, and that only becomes more and more permanent every time his skin touches yours. 

Anakin says your name softly, and it brings you from the muffled sounds of your detachment to the brutishly loud sounds of reality. It feels wrong, but when Anakin says your name again, everything feels okay again. You look into his eyes and the world falls away and it’s just the two of you, the way it should be.  

“It’s almost over,” he whispers to you. You don’t know why him saying this makes you want to cry. He sees the water pooling up in your eyes, and rests his forehead against your own like it’ll shield you from everything. “We’ll get through this,” he promises. “You and me, the way it always has been.”

“And always will be,” you sniffle, not bothering to hold back the weak smile that spreads across your face when he uses the Force to wrap an invisible blanket of light, warm pressure around you. He’s holding you, in front of everyone, but still respecting your wishes and not making a spectacle of the both of you. You’re sure nothing escapes Padme’s eyes, but you’re grateful to have Anakin by your side. You always are. 

Once the ship completes its jump to lightspeed, Padme quickly falls asleep in her seat, slumping onto your lap as you lean your head on Anakin’s shoulder. 

“Thanks for calming me down,” you murmur, quiet as to not awaken the Senator. 

“What are best friends for?” He jokes, kissing the top of your head before resting his own head on top of yours again. 

The two of you sit in silence, and you watch the cyclic rise and fall of his chest with each breath he takes. 

“Sometimes I wish the Order hadn’t taken me when I was a kid,” you confess to Anakin. He nods in understanding and you feel seen, despite the shame that burrows in you at your admission. “It’s been worse than usual recently. I’ve been getting just these flashes of memory, where there was once nothing, and I was loved, Anakin.” Your voice breaks ever so slightly and you cough to cover it, but it doesn’t escape your best friend. He knows you too well for that. 

“You’re still loved.” He says it so quietly you almost think you imagined it, but you know better. 

“I know.” You can’t say anything in response to him other than this. It’s far too dangerous, for the both of you. Because you love him more than you should and it sits between you, puts the two of you in your own little space while putting miles between you both, even when you’re sitting so closely that you can hear his heartbeat. 

“I think we’re close,” you say, sitting up suddenly. It’s too much, being this close to him. Anakin scoffs from beside you and you know he knows the truth behind your action, the pretense of time rendered useless because your thoughts betray you. 

He leans away from you. You wish that hurt you less. 

~~~

Lake Country is beautiful. It hadn’t taken you long to get here, after your short but mortifyingly awkward meeting with the government of Naboo. When the attendants at the palace unload the luggage and Padme has walked out of earshot, you tug on Anakin’s sleeve. 

“You mustn’t be so arrogant, Anakin,” you hiss at him. He rolls his eyes, but you continue. “She was right, you know. We’re still padawans. There was no need to argue like that, it just makes us look unprofessional.” 

“But I was right too! We’re in charge of her security. She should’ve told us that she wanted to come here and why so that we could make sure it was safe. If anything happens to her, it’s on us, so you’ll have to forgive me for actually wanting her to be safe.” 

“Oh, don’t give me that. You got arrogant and jumped in when you shouldn’t have. Yes, she should’ve told us her plans, but you need to control your temper and have some humility.”

“Fine!” Anakin stomps off towards Padme, leaving you alone in the boat. You sigh and follow slowly, admiring the beauty of your surroundings. This, too, was love. The purest form of it, you’d argue. You’re there, in the moment, a witness to the beauty that nature holds. Not wanting to change any of it, knowing that change is inevitable and the version that exists now will remain true in your heart forever. This is what the Jedi rely on, and want to protect. 

You blink, and the magic ends. The beauty remains, but the swell of your heart in response to it has subsided. You continue up the stairs only to find Anakin stroking the Senator’s back.

It’s a disaster you can’t look away from. Padme falls to the intimacy of Anakin’s touch, turning her head towards him to capture his lips with her own. He’s kissing her, and in your mind you see him kissing you, and it’s too much and too little all at once. 

Anger, jealousy, and envy burst inside you, and you can feel your hands shaking in rage. You’re furious. Furious at him, for kissing Padme because you said he couldn’t love you. Furious at Padme, even though it is no fault of hers for kissing what you view as yours. But most of all, you’re furious at yourself. You’ve given Anakin Skywalker far too much power over you and because of your love, your conscious strays from the Light side into the Dark. You’ve never felt such jealousy, and because of it, the Force thrums harder within you. The power your anger fuels you with is seductive, but you fight to destroy it before it destroys you. 

“Senator Amidala,” you bite out sharply, and she steps back from Anakin with a gasp. “I’d appreciate it if you could show us to our chambers. Do keep in mind that we need to be close to you, in case of emergency. If you have any rooms connected to your own, that is best.” 

“Yes, of course,” she says, flustered. You don’t spare Anakin even a single glance as you follow her through the palace. 

~~~ 

You spent the rest of the day in meditation, trying desperately to suppress the feelings that Anakin had elicited in you. The day had come to rest as you futilely attempted to regain your sense of control. The room is bathed in the golden glow of the sunset reflected off of the lake and you almost feel a sense of warmth inside you, but the knocks on the door startle you from your calm. 

“It’s time for dinner, y/n,” Anakin says. His voice is muffled through the door, but you can’t stop the sadness that fills you at his voice. 

“I’ll take my dinner in here,” you respond. When you hear his footsteps head away from the door, you prop your knees upwards and draw them in towards you, encircling them in your arms before resting your forehead on your knees. You feel like you can breathe now, saturated in your sadness but shielded from the world. 

You wish you hadn’t kissed him. It changed everything. Now that you knew there was an undercurrent of desire running between the two of you, every interaction became charged with undeniable tension. You found yourself unable to stop yourself from looking at his lips, staring at him for a little too long. And you pushed him right into Padme’s arms because that was the only place he’d known to put his love before you. As long as he didn’t fall in love with her, you were powerless to say anything, and he could flirt with her as much as he wanted right in front of you. 

You light candles in the room as the daylight fades and you return to your meditation, ignoring the pang of hunger because you’re just not ready to face Anakin yet. You know you’ll have to when he comes for bed, but all the meditation in the world couldn’t prepare you enough to see him without shattering. 

The wood of the doors creaks when Anakin opens and enters, carrying a plate of sliced fruits. The candlelight makes his shadow grow when he walks, making him seem larger than life. Commanding. The flicker of the light makes his shadows shift and run across the room dows dance before he comes to rest in front of you, leaning down to put the fruits down and sitting cross legged. 

“Should you have left the Senator alone?” you ask, studying his face quietly. 

“I’ve programmed R2 to be able to detect any motion that isn’t the Senator or our’s. By now, the servants are in their bed chambers, so if there’s anything, even something small like in Coruscant.” 

“Sometimes I forget how smart you are,” you sigh, and reach forward for the plate. You’re famished, and even though the situation between you and Anakin is tense, it warms you inside to know that he cares for you enough to make sure you eat dinner. 

“I’m sorry I kissed Padme,” Anakin admits to you. You pause, still chewing on the fruit inside your mouth, before swallowing harshly. 

“Why?” You whisper. You’re glad he regrets it, the possessive side of you rearing its ugly head, but you wish you didn’t want to know why. You wish you could leave it as mere regret at falling prey to his desires, but it’s more than that. 

“Because I don’t want to kiss her, I want to kiss you.” 

“Can I ask you why you did it then?” You ask. Thinking about it only rubs salt into your wounds, but you can’t let it go. You need to understand why he kissed her. 

“It’s not like how it is with you. I kissed you and thought of you. I kissed her and thought of you. I wanted to get over you with her, love you less by deflecting it to her, but I see now that it doesn’t work like that. The pain of loving you is easier than the pain of hurting you.” 

“It didn’t hurt me. I’m fine,” you bite out. It’s a lie that you can both see through, but you turn your head to the side and feign interest in the glow of the candles. 

“No, you’re not. You’re jealous. And Jedi can never be jealous, can they?” Anakin asks, standing up. He sweeps his hand across the room, and one by one, the candles you’d so meticulously lit earlier in the evening go out, until there remains just one providing its feeble light to the chamber. 

“Has the Dark side corrupted you, my love?” He asks. His face glows in the dim light, heavy with the weight of your love, and he moves until he’s standing before you. His thumb sweeps against the skin of your cheek, and you find yourself leaning your face further into his hand. He smirks and withdraws his hand, and you have to fight back the desperate noise that bubbles up in the back of your throat. A light pressure pushes you up from your seated position on the floor until you’re kneeling before him, staring up at him as he slides his thumb into your mouth. 

Say my name. You hear him in your head but he’s silent, fingers still pressed into your jaw and imprinting themselves on your lips. He increases the force of his thumb on your lip at your silence. “Anakin,” you breathe out. Quiet. A prayer on your lips. 

“No,” he whispers. “How could my name on your lips ever be anything but Light?” He waves his hand and your outermost robes slide off of you, and you’re left only in your tunic. You hold his stare, unwavering, despite the vulnerability you feel. There’s something that makes you feel heady and light at the sight of him fully clothed, despite your near nudity. You look up at him through your lashes and you can see in his eyes that he wants you just as badly as you want him. 

He moves his hand again and the last candle goes out, its smoke dancing upwards in the pale moonlight of your chambers. 

You can’t see him, but you can feel him. He circles you once, twice, claiming every part of you with his eyes. 

“Give me just this night,” he whispers suddenly in your ear. His nose presses into your jawline as he kisses the skin at the top of your neck, tilting your head to better access the pulse point on your neck. His tongue trails along the marks he left last night, like he’s renewing his claim on you. 

You nod weakly, but he wants more. “Use your words,” he says, tugging on your earlobe with his teeth. 

“Only tonight,” you murmur, leaning your head back onto his shoulder as he continues to make his way down your neck. His big warm hands come to rest on your waist before bunching the fabric of your tunic and tugging it off of you. You gasp when the cold air hits your skin, replaced by the sensation of his fingers trailing up your skin. He palms roughly at your breasts, and you gasp quietly. 

Anakin spreads your knees with his hands, resting you against him so that you can feel the front of his robes press into your bare skin. He knows just how to weaken you, his hands hovering above your inner thighs and skimming up their length until they meet at the apex between your thighs.

And then Anakin pauses. You can feel his eyes on your naked form, observing every faint tremor running through your body as your arousal grows. It’s getting harder to breathe. He flips you quickly, spinning you around so you’re facing him and lowering your back until it meets the floor. His lips meet yours in quiet moonlight, your desperate whines swallowed into his mouth and meeting his hungry moans. The force of his lips against yours is tidal, unlike the sweet gentleness of yesterday— Anakin knows he’s going to lose you now, and he’s taking in as much of you as he can with every movement against your lips. He pulls away just slightly, panting against your open mouth as his hand snakes down to cup your slick cunt and grinding his palm against it. 

“So needy, my love,” he murmurs quietly. You can feel the calluses on his palm brushing against your slit. 

“Want you, Ani,” you gasp. He slides two slim digits into you, never breaking his gaze on your face as his fingers work in and out of you. You feel exposed, vulnerable, but hold no shame as the brazen desire in Anakin’s eyes grows. He leans forward to kiss your face softly, avoiding only your lips as you subdue your moans. 

You’re stretched out around Anakin’s fingers, and every pulse into you pushes the pads of his fingertips against your velvet walls. The way he’s looking at you, touching you, feels like worship. He brings his thumb to circle your clit, with just enough pressure to make you desperate for more without giving you more. 

“Do you see the madness you drive me to?” He asks, nuzzling your jaw. You can’t help but whimper, part of you wishing that you’d never been together in the first place, the other part addicted to Anakin. The duality is dizzying. 

Anakin unravels you underneath him. He looks deep into your dark eyes, into your tired soul, and sees the vulnerabilities in your strength. He sees how to draw the truth out from you, and the rush of power he gets from it makes his head swim. But he loves and respects you far too much to play mind games with you. 

“Submit to me, my love,” Anakin says. You bow your head as he withdraws his fingers from you and begins to undress himself, allowing yourself to catch your breath again. 

“I don’t know how to love you in moderation,” you say when his tip pushes just into you, resting just slightly past your muscles as your cunt clenches around his girth. Your confession hangs in the air before it is lost by the thrust of Anakin’s hips that makes his hip bones meet your pelvis. His hands grab at your hips roughly, suspending your lower body in the air as he begins to rock into you. At each thrust into you, a flame sparks into life from candles scattered through the room. They follow your building tension as Anakin pushes you up the slope of pleasure. 

He believes in the sanctity of skin. The bareness of your tangled forms as you make love allows him to see the Light of the Force truly, a revelation of holiness found within you. Anakin doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of this, enough of you pressed so tightly against him that where he ends, you begin. You’re his beginnings. You’re his future. 

Anakin’s movements are slow, planned, withdrawing his length until he’s just teasing your opening before slamming back into you with such force that you can almost feel the energy of your bodies’ motions intertwining with the Force flowing around you. He pushes deeper still, using his thumb to trace circles onto your clit as he pounds into you. Your moans threaten to crescendo, and you bring your hand to your mouth to attempt to muffle the sounds, but Anakin’s fingers tug at your wrist to draw your hand away. 

“Afraid the Senator will hear you, my love?” He asks, snapping his hips into yours and driving his cock further and more forcefully than he had before. You cry out, unashamed, clenching around his length as he continues to fuck you ceaselessly. Here, sprawled out on the floor, there is nothing for you to grab on to, and you blindly throw your arms upwards to him and dig your nails into his shoulder, torso, leaving red claw marks against his body. Mine. You’re mine. 

As your orgasm draws nearer, your body unconsciously directs the energy Anakin fucks into you by harnessing the Force, and you only vaguely register your hands clenching and lit candles inching into the air. 

Drip. 

A bead of melted wax drips off of the candle and hits the floor in unison with the slap of Anakin’s skin meeting yours. 

Drip. 

You reach up and tug his blond braid, cradling his face with your hand. Your skin looks pretty, you think, contrasted just perfectly against his paler tones. 

Drip. 

You submit completely to him. Your legs lock around his waist and draw him in deeper to you, any cautions abandoned as you choose to seek pleasure in your love. Damn the hurt. 

“I love you,” he says breathlessly. Promising.

“I love you too.” Surrendering. 

Anakin leans down and kisses you softly, bringing you to the edge as his own climax nears. The both of you finish simultaneously, stars bursting behind your eyelids as your cunt convulses around his own throbbing length. Then you feel something in your stomach drop as your body registers the disturbance in the Force before your mind does. Anakin falls forwards into your embrace and time is frozen as you both soak in the last moments of skin against skin, but it’s tainted by the wrongness that staccatos through the Force.  

He feels it too, because Anakin’s body tenses up in your arms. Anakin’s always been more Force sensitive than you, and whenever there’s a disturbance in the Force, it always affects him more than it does you. Oftentimes, it’s a storm you simply have to wait out, usually the result of a Jedi who’s passed away on a mission, one who you usually aren’t too familiar with. There’s a rhythm the two of you fall into in times like this, intricate and intimate and the result of only a friendship spanning over a decade.

You harness the Force to lightly pull him away from your body and float him over to the bed, where he lays nude, shivering. You’re quick to dress him, kissing his forehead as he’s rendered frozen by the sheer impact of the disturbance, and you begin to grow worried when he curls up into himself. You run your fingers down his braid as an attempt to soothe him, which usually works, but he’s unresponsive to that too. So you simply dress him and yourself before extracting a bit of your own Light to wrap him in, hoping to help Anakin as he braves through it all. 

“You’re not alone,” you say quietly, kissing his temple as he lays still. Your honesty is temporary, because you’d only promised one night. One night was all you could afford before it would jeopardize your future, but more importantly, jeopardize Anakin’s progress as the Chosen One. You needed to protect him for everyone else’s sake. 

But Anakin only grows worse as the minutes pass. The unease builds in your stomach, both at Anakin’s persisting state and the increasing disturbance in the Force. This isn’t something far removed, this is personal. But you’re not advanced enough to determine what it is and Anakin’s too delirious in his state to be able to tell you, so all you can do is hold him close to you and whisper reassurances in his ears. 

The roar of a ship and the bright flashes of its jets permeate through the windows from the outside, and you let go of Anakin, startled, and the disturbance you feel bursts sharply before quieting down. You realize dimly that it’s Obi-Wan and you’ve let go of Anakin before you realize it, running through the castle with fear nipping at your heels. Outside, rain begins to fall, heavy and foreboding and echoing loudly through the castle as it hits the windows. Obi-Wan pounds at the doors of the palace, slowly but forcefully and you all but run right into the doors in your haste to let him in. 

“Obi-Wan!” You gasp when he falls through the doors at your feet, tunic and robes stained with the faint maroon of blood. 

“Padawan,” he grunts, attempting to push himself upwards when you force him back down to the floor with a single hand. 

“Obi-Wan, you’re hurt,” you cry out, quickly stripping him of the robes to inspect the source of his wounds. A single blast wound reveals itself when you tug his tunic upwards, the smell of burnt skin making bile rise up in your throat as the wound’s singed edges continue to force Obi-Wan into further agony. 

“What happened?” you ask, frenzied, hands moving erratically over Obi-Wan’s wounds as you try desperately to calm yourself down enough to heal him. 

“I sent a distress signal around an hour or two ago. I was trying to track down the bounty hunter when things went sideways on Kamino, and I requested backup from one of you to come, but I’m afraid the signal went unreceived.” Obi-Wan’s words send a bolt of regret through your spine when you realize that the reason that his signal went unreceived was because of your love for Anakin allowing you to neglect all parts of your responsibilities as a Jedi. Obi-Wan’s injury and the pain he was undergoing was because of you. It was yours and Anakin’s fault, and that realization forces tears into your eyes and presses into your nose as guilt permeates every part of your body. 

“I’m sorry, Master,” you sniffle, allowing the tears to fall from your eyes as your hands remain over his wound, quickly patching up and rewiring the injury that Obi-Wan had sustained thanks to your negligence. 

Your love for Anakin had caused this. Your love for Anakin had caused destruction and pain. There was no Light to be found here, only pain. Only hurt. 

Obi-Wan’s wounds are almost healed when Anakin comes stumbling in the darkness towards you, clumsy footsteps loud in the halls of the palace. He doesn’t even see Obi-Wan as he seeks you out, drawing you upwards into his embrace as Obi-Wan watched it unfold. 

“My love, I think the disturbance is gone,” he says, turning your face to him and pressing a kiss on your lips as you freeze. Obi-Wan clears his throat loudly from behind you, and only then does Anakin realize that the two of you are not alone. He breaks apart from you and stands still before the scrutiny of the older Jedi. Your Master’s eyes flit between the two of you and all he does is sigh, with a disappointment you never thought you’d feel directed towards you. You know instantly that he understands exactly the poisoned love that’s taken root between you and Anakin, because how could he not?

“I trusted you,” Obi-Wan says sadly. And that’s all he needs to say to break your heart, because you fall to your knees wordlessly as his faith in you crumbles. 

“I’m sorry, Master,” Anakin says, but you don’t really hear him. You’re sure he understands by now that your combined selfishness had put Obi-Wan in harm's way, and soured your relationship by turning it into the one thing he swore it would never become.   

You’re clutching at Obi-Wan’s robes as he stares deep into your soul, because you’ve betrayed your master. Time and time again, Obi-Wan has made it clear how important it is that Anakin stays on the path of the Light, because Anakin is the Chosen One. Not you, nor him. And it was supposed to be your duty to stop him from straying. Instead, you became the reason he strayed, the reason he adopted possessiveness over the purity of the Jedi Faith. 

You’ve corrupted Anakin Skywalker. Weakened him. You’ve jeopardized the fate of the universe thanks to your selfishness. 

But the worst part is that Obi-Wan looks at you differently now. Blankly, untrusting, walls up. Like he hadn’t raised you from your childhood, bandaged your wounds and guided you through countless missions. And you realize you’ve lost him, lost Anakin, lost the chance to truly belong as a Jedi. Because it’s different for you than it is for Anakin, which is something you’ve always known, even if only vaguely.

You’re not as important.

And it’s not fair, but you’re left with no choice, your last act of sacrifice before you are forced to abandon the Jedi path entirely to let go of Anakin and allow him to be the good that you can never be. 

“Anakin, go to your quarters. I must discuss something with my padawan.” Anakin steps backwards, still facing you, unable to look away from your form because he doesn’t want to remember you like this, broken down and weary, but he’s never going to see you again, and nothing will change that. This is the last time he’ll see you, and a part of him is lost forever knowing this. Obi-Wan knows. Anakin doesn’t have the power to change your outcome and all he can do is watch as you lose everything right before his eyes. 

Obi-Wan turns away from you and it takes everything in your power to not fall to his feet and beg for forgiveness. You’d do it in a heartbeat if you thought it would change a thing, but the only result would be Obi-Wan losing even more of his respect for you. He says your name softly before getting up, looking at you one last time with pity. 

“You are to take the ship I used to get here to Coruscant, to the Jedi Temple, where Master Windu will be waiting for you to turn in your lightsaber. From then, he will assist you in settling into a life outside of the Jedi Order.” You cry out at his words, and Obi-Wan fights back his own tears as he restrains from clutching your hands and comforting you the way he’s done a thousand times before. Then he lifts your limp body from the floor, wracked with sobs, before placing you gently on the cold ground outside the palace and closing the doors quietly. 

“Don’t leave me,” you beg, quietly at first, but as the desperate mantra falls over and over again from your lips, it turns into screams of pain. You bring your fists to the door, banging over and over again, but to no avail. Your cries are silenced as the rain sticks your hair to your skin and you stumble over your feet as you try to make your way to the ship, collapsing just at the base of the ship as your loss finds its home in your bones. 

And you are left with nothing but the weight of your grief.

[nevertheless-moving]

Suicidal Misunderstanding X

Star Wars Time Travel AU #27

Part I - - - - - Part II - - - - - Part III - - - - - Part IV - - - - - Part V - - -  - - Part VI - - - - - Part VII - - - - - Part VIII - - - - - Part IX

“I realize this is incredibly difficult,” the Nautolan Soul Healer said calmly. “But in order for us to help Obi-Wan, we need to determine the cause of his current disconnection with reality. Based on the drug panel, and convenient surveillance, we have, to the best of our ability, ruled out temporary psychosis brought on by a drug interaction.”

Cody stiffened further, not sure how to react to anything anymore. When a brother tried to end his own life, it was usually obvious why.

Sife Aerdo continued on. “There have, of course, been cases of Jedi Seers giveing into their fears of the future, or losing their sense of reality, but every case study involving such an extreme reaction was the result a gradual degradation over the course of many years. Nevertheless, it seems clear that Obi-Wan experienced a vision, and it may have impacted his breakdown to some extent. The more we know, the more successful any attempts to convince him of reality will be.”

Bant furrowed her brow in thought, trying to replay three decades of increasingly vague discussions of nightmares.

”Considering the high profile nature of his position, we cannot rule out some kind of psychological attack, perhaps even a darksider incursion.

Anakin leaned forward intently, the inside of his skull buzzing with white noise.

"All that being said, we must be prepared to treat Obi-Wan’s self harm as the  culmination of a long and quiet mental health struggle. He would not be the first in the Order to disguise such a thing with durasteel self-discipline.”

At that, Bant and Mace took a moment to release their feelings to the force, while Anakin raised his shields defensively.

Master Aerdo finally hesitated, before continuing in the same smooth tone. “I would ordinarily prefer to structure this kind of conversation quite differently- allow Obi-Wan time to share his feelings first and invite you each separately to support him in the healing process. But he’s gone from fighting sedatives and force compulsions as though the fate of the galaxy depended on it, to a self-induced coma. All while barely lucid, yet still somehow maintaining Master Class mental shielding. We need to get a better understanding of his mental landscape if we’re going to even begin the process of treatment."

It is necessary to note that everyone in that room had led, in one way or another, a somewhat miserable life. This was the main reason none of them could claim that the next five hours were the worst they had ever experienced. 

“But he’s always had terrible sleeping habits.” Anakin said hoarsely.

“Yes, but I think they got worse after Qui-Gon passed,” Bant argued, not sure what point she was making. 

“When I pointed out he couldn’t be getting more than three hours a night he told me that he could manage on meditation” Cody offered irritably.

“That’s technically true,” Mace confirmed. “If the Master in question is well-balanced otherwise”

“So its like his eating habits, crushing responsibilities, and repeated exposure to violence, then? Completely fine for a Jedi, in less it’s not, in which case it’s a major red flag?” 

“I think it would help to establish a timeline.“

Aerdo actually dredged up old mission reports, leading to the group reluctantly contacting Ashoka for her memories of Mortis.

At her Master’s insistence, she told them everything she remembered, hazy as it was, nervously elaborating on her own memories of falling. To her confusion, Master Windu all but brushed past that, assuring her that the important thing with stepping into darkness was the choice to the return to the light. Anakin bizarrely agreed with Windu. Out loud. Unnerved by the cooperation more than anything, she put her holographic foot down and demanded to know what was going on. 

Anakin took the comm-link into a separate room to speak privately.

Upon return, he informed the group (with a visibly red and puffy face) that Kit would be escorting her back from Mount Cala cleanup early, daring anyone to disagree. Windu nodded and the conversation continued on.

Together they rewatched holo-footage of Obi-Wan laughing amongst Ghost company the night before last, and debated reports from psychometric investigators who had scoured the cantina as well as Obi-Wan’s personal quarters for traces of illicit substances. Between that and another drug panel, they were finally forced to conclude that despite the timing, the alcohol at most confused Obi-Wan’s perception of a vision, or possibly simply loosened his tongue.

Bant prodded Cody to repeat every word from the holocar ride to the temple, taking furious notes. Cody was unable to stop the heat that crawled up his face.

Just when the looming horror of Obi-Wan actually preparing to intentionally die started to break over Anakin, Windu interjected.

“You don’t see what I do,” the Harun Kal said grimly. “Something galaxy-sized shattered around Obi-Wan and he didn’t break from it. The closest comparison I have is Master Yaddle’s presence when she meditated on her confinement. He’s chosen to keep going, even when, quite frankly, death would be a release. We’re missing something fundamental.”

“He said there were ‘other dark forces at work.’ Even if the fight was objectively hopeless... there’s no way he would choose to die because of it!” Anakin agreed vehemently, shaking off morbid fears.

“But he did choose to die.” Cody said quietly. And the wind went out of Anakin’s sails.

“Lets go back.”

Anakin gritted his teeth as they picked apart everything ‘unusual’ Obi-Wan had said and done leading up to his visit with Bant.

“What exactly did he...”

“So Plo Koon was able to get a read through his shields?”

“Did he have anything to eat?”

“How did that compare to...”

“When he's mentioned things in the future...did it seem good or bad to you?” Bant asked.

“Bad.” Cody and Anakin said in unison. Remembering the trip to the temple Cody spoke again, “Definitely bad.”

“Right. When we were talking he sometimes used the wrong tenses for things, people. I confronted him on not knowing ‘when’ he was after Knight Skywalker left. He told me that he knew what was real, but he was “enjoying not fully living in the moment” he also said that he intended to “wake up”

“Enjoying? That’s the exact word he used?” Cody asked incredulous. 

“He did seem...mostly happy yesterday. Giddy, at points.” Anakin said, slumping in on himself.

Bant looked at her notes once more before addressing the group.

“This isn’t vision psychosis in any manner I’ve heard of before...but I think I might have a theory. He used to have intense visions when we were kids; plenty of us did sometimes, but Obi-Wan would be unable to sleep after. What terrified him more than anything was the uncertainty that he might make the wrong choice- even when the vision was about something good, or neutral. His visions gradually stopped coming around puberty. We just had a conversation about this a few months ago- how relieved he was to only have to manage flashes of precognition. If he had a random, horrifying vision of a terrible future...suicide wouldn’t be his reaction. It’s too final.”

“Even if he blamed himself for what he saw coming?” Mace asked.

“Especially if he blamed himself.” Bant said. 

“What’s your theory?” Aerdo prodded.

“What if...what if he was telling the truth when he said he could separate out what was real and what was not? What if there was no distortion or blurring between now and then? What if he was just wrong about which was which?”

“That...would be a very extreme and abnormal manifestation of force-induced psychosis. He has training in distinguishing reality from visions. The continued presence of his mental shielding means that the fabric of his mind can’t be so horrifically collapsed in on itself.” 

“What if the vision was actually that realistic?” Bant said, pushing back against the soul healer. “So detailed and vivid that it effectively was a reality in itself, and everything else, all of us...”

“Were just memories” Anakin finished. “It would...actually explain pretty much everything. You said he wanted to wake up and when...when I found him.” He stopped, swallowing. “When I found him, he argued with me...what if he wasn’t trying to hurt himself? If you’re right...that would mean I found him trying to get back to reality.”

“It could explain his behavior in the halls...his desperation to wake...” Sife mused “But it runs counter to every other experience I’ve had with those managing prophetic visions. Master Windu, could that explain the shatterpoints you saw?”

“I’m not certain. It would have to have been extraordinarily real to create the echos of Shattering I witnessed. I don’t know if that depth of vision has occurred before, but then again, many things are possible in the force.”

“You really think he might have been...trying to wake up from dream? By killing himself?!” Cody asked incredulous.

“If that ends up being what happened I am going to give him such shit. That is the worst way to end a vision.” Anakin replied.

“Yes. It is.” Bant said pointedly. “That’s why it’s a last resort, after every other attempt to wake fails.” 

They all sat in silence, processing various implications. Cody was unnerved by another terrifying insight into force powers, as well as the idea that the General might vividly remember Cody being inexplicably mind-controlled into trying to kill him. Anakin was trying to understand what this would mean for them, and the conversations he had thought they had had. Did...any of it count, if he thought he was offering it to a hallucination?

“Alright, this is a valuable working idea, but let’s make sure to examine everything with an open mind before we draw any more conclusions. Anakin, what happened after you left the healers office?”

Obi-Wan’s critique of the practicalities of visiting a soul healer could be and was interpreted multiple ways. The incongruity of peacekeepers in war sparked a rehash of earlier discussion. More apologies. Self identifying as ‘crazy’ inspired new debate, especially in the context of the new theory. 

“When I saw him enter the fountain room I assumed he had had a brutal run-in with  dark force user.” Windu explained. “Based on everything we’ve gone over, I don’t understand when...but some of the more insidious sith compulsions work by taking whatever small anger or hurt you feel and magnifying them until they consume you. If Obi-Wan was already experiencing self loathing...”

Cody sucked in a breath. “Then a Sith mind suggestion would bring him to commit suicide. It...sounds like something he might do, if he was partially in control. Take the blow rather than let himself be used as a weapon against anyone else, even his worst enemy.”

“Hells, it could have been an even vaguer compulsion, driving him to attack the person he hates the most,” Bant added darkly.

Anakin buried his head in his hands, trying to hold it together. He couldn’t afford to lose control or get angry. Hells, getting angry at Obi-Wan for ‘failing him’ when in pain could be the reason Obi-Wan was currently in the healing halls. The man said he loved him unconditionally, then practically had a breakdown over how much Anakin pushed that unconditional love to the breaking point, then killed himself. How was he supposed to-

“Anakin? Are you alright to continue?” someone said.

“Yes. No. There’s more I have to tell you...I don’t know if it will help but - it was hurting Obi-Wan...I...”

“Let’s just take it one step at a time. What happened after you left Mace?”

Apparently even Cody somehow knew more about Bruck Chun than Anakin. Master Windu and Eerin told different sides of the same sad story, which spiraled back into a conversation about Obi-Wan’s inadequacy issues, which somehow devolved into a long rant about Qui-Gon Jinn that Master Windu had apparently been holding back for years. 

“My apologies.” He said afterwards, clearing his throat as the group stared, taken aback. “Old grievances. Go on Anakin, what did happened after you got to the ‘secret spot.’”

“He...was skirting around whatever was bothering him...I pushed him...told him I wanted to help...he said I couldn’t...because it was me...because of what I...”

Anakin stood up suddenly, feeling the walls of the room closing in.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry I-” 

He ran out.

He turned around almost immediately, pacing in the small corridor, knowing he couldn’t leave, simply needing a minute to catch his breath.

Master Windu followed him out after a moment, not saying anything, just standing there. Watching him.

“What!” Anakin finally snapped. “What do you have to say that I don’t know already!”

“Knight Skywalker-”

“Don’t call me that! I DON’T DESERVE-” 

Anakin let out a frustrated snarl, punching a wall. The crumble of stone beneath this fist briefly made him feel better, but then he remembered Obi-Wan’s heartbroken expression in the light of an underworldly glow, and the tiny, choked sound he heard when the healers moved him and Anakin just...collapsed, falling to his knees.

Master Windu sank down gracefully beside him.

“Anakin. This isn’t about attachment issues, is it.”

“Not really, no. I mean, maybe you’ll blame attachment but it’s more about...”

“Anger.”

Anakin looked up at that, trying to regain the meditative calm he had felt for a glimmering moment yesterday, right in-between making peace in the cave and everything burning to ash. 

“You know that I have had my own struggles with anger. It is how and why I came to develop Vaapad.” 

“Yes, but you’ve Mastered your anger. And you’ve never...never given in to hate.”

A beat passed and Windu watched some of Skywalker’s familiar breaking points flicker into view. 

“You’ve done something. Something you know the Jedi won’t forgive.”

“Obi-Wan forgave me.” Anakin said, whispering. “He said that even though I couldn’t fix what I did he loved me anyway and I just needed to...to honestly regret what I did and not do it again. I told him I’d get rid of my lightsaber and I meant it and...I thought he forgave me. I was ready to go to the Council with him, come clean about everything. And then I left him alone to get dinner and when I came back...he was holding my lightsaber. My lightsaber.” 

Anakin buried his face in his hands, shuddering with creeping cold.

“I’m not going to critique your and Obi-Wan’s attachment to each other right now. I’m well aware that much of the order has turned to personal ties to maintain their stability given the ongoing horrors of war. I am, for many reasons, wary of the risks this brings us, yet it is also true that risks do not automatically mean failure. I myself have mastered my emotions in a different manner than conventional wisdom councils.” 

Windu spoke carefully. For all that he and Anakin had similar relationships with the force, they rarely saw eye to eye on any given subject. At a certain point, Mace had accepted that the volatile young man was determined to find the worst possible interpretation for anything he said. And Mace was not the order’s most patient diplomat.

“As for your crime, whatever it is, l will tell you this: Unless you choose to renounce the code and leave our number, you will be treated as a Jedi Knight, subject to our protections, as well as our judgement. You will receive appropriate mental counseling. If you are judged to be a danger to those around you, your actions will be curtailed and monitored, possibly through temporary confinement.  The Jedi do not believe in punitive measures for their own sake, but you may be required to provide restitution to those you harmed, perhaps indefinitely. 

Silence hung perilously between them. Windu watched a tremor run through the unfathomable kaleidoscopic of shatterpoints that had orbited Skywalker since he was a boy. A small one broke inward, and an attached tangle of larger, darker ones fell away, crumbling to dust. The rest faded from view, invisible for the moment. A choice had been made, some decision that closed off at least one path to the darkside.

“There’s no one to make restitutions to.”

“...You’re going to have to elaborate on that.”

“Let’s go back inside- I don’t want to do this twice.”

They returned to the increasingly hated meeting room.

Anakin spoke in an outpouring of words about love and hate, about misplaced revenge and now uncertain forgiveness. When he finally finished, the room was deathly silent.

The three Jedi sat quietly while Cody pinched the bridge of his nose. “I guess this is why Jedi have the no attachment rule, huh? I admit I never really got it, but I suppose even if I-”

Bant abruptly lunged up, fumbling to bring her lightsaber to Anakin’s neck. Everyone jumped to their feet, except for Anakin, who stared at Bant with a wretched expression.

“MASTER EERIN! This is not-”

“Did you do it?” she asked, ignoring the Master of the Order.

“Bant!”

“It was my first thought after I saw him. We all rushed in expecting a fight, or a bomb, only to find you, insane, and him with a hole next to his heart. I didn’t want to believe it of course, but you’ve always had a violent streak that Obi-Wan, force help him, couldn’t quite soothe away. A fight gone wrong. Master Windu said it was suicide, and I believed him, and I’ve been trying to make sense of that ever since. But Mace found you after, didn’t he? After you felt guilty? Did you think he was going to turn on you?”

“Bant Eerin, you are dangerously-”

“No.” Anakin whispered.

“Obviously I might be why. But I didn’t- I couldn’t. I know I’m not good but I can’t even imagine- holding a saber against him like that. Kriff, do you not get how much I can’t handle losing people I love? I was insane when you saw me because I saw someone trying to kill Obi-Wan and I couldn’t even fight them.”  

Bant held his gaze for several lingering seconds, deactivated her saber and dropping it with a clatter. They stared at each other, breathing heavily and not blinking. She returned to her seat, moving jerkily. “I apologize Knight Skywalker. That was uncalled for.” 

“I wish I could say I wouldn’t have done the same thing in your shoes” he responded lowly. Bant made a tiny, unintelligible noise in reply. 

Cody collapsed back into his chair, holstering his blaster.  “Alright then...so after you finished sitting in the fountain room...what happened next?”

Everyone stared at him.

“What?”

“You’re handling Anakin’s confession somewhat dispassionately. We’re simply surprised.” Mace said slowly, returning to his seat at the same time as Master Aerdo fell into theirs.

Cody shifted uncomfortably. “The vod were trained in a wide range of enemy suppression tactics. While we’re extremely glad the Jedi have never asked us to employ them, I’m not...unfamiliar with this scale of deliberate slaughter. At least in the hypothetical, sir.”

“I see.” Aerdo said. “That is a valuable insight to have, thank you. Knight Skywalker-”

“Just...call me Anakin. Or Skywalker.”

“Anakin. When did this happen?”

“About two years ago, immediately before the First Battle of Geonosis.”

“And have you had any similar experiences with giving into the darkside since?” they asked placidly.

“I don’t think so but...we went to war the next day and....I don’t know if I’ve stopped fighting since it- since I did what I did.”

“Hmm. Anakin, would you mind stepping outside the room and waiting in the corridor for a moment please?” 

He bit his tongue, tasting blood, and quietly walked out the door while the Masters decided his fate. He leaned back against a wall, desperately wanting to see Padme. 

To his surprise, the door opened barely a few minutes later, and he was politely invited back in.

“Anakin.” Master Windu spoke. “Thank you for telling us this. It’s an important insight into Obi-Wan’s feelings right now, and I recognize that you could have kept it a secret. As Head of the Order, and with the advice of a Senior Soul Healer, I have made a decision. You will be assigned a personal soul healer, who you will start seeing tomorrow. Commander Cody pointed out that over nearly two years of continuous warfare, you have maintained some of the the lowest trooper casualty units of any division, by a significant margin if we evaluate based on mission risk level. Your civilian and enemy casualties will be reviewed, but even considering constant war, since your massacre of the Tuskens, you have clearly managed to at least... direct your violence away from the innocent. We do not consider you a threat to the inhabitants of the world. For the time being, I see no real benefit to limiting or tracking your behavior within the temple or on planet, but you are barred from leaving orbit. I have decided to delay a full reckoning before the council until such time that your former Master is well enough to provide his own opinion. Give me just cause, and I will have you confined to a force-suppressing cell. Do you understand?”

Anakin nodded, bowing in acknowledgment. All things considered, it was...honestly better than he expected.

“Now, as Cody” Windu paused. “My apologies, as the Commander was saying-” 

“Cody’s fine, sir” Cody said, wrung out in a way different from anything Kamino had trained him for.

“...I think we can all consider ourselves on a first name basis at this point.” Bant said with a snort. She paused. “That includes you Anakin. I really don’t know how to handle what you did but kark it, I don’t want to hate you. For myself.”

Everyone nodded.

“As Cody was saying, what happened next?”

Peace. Comfort. Hunger. A warning in the force...

-

“I tried to pull the saber back but his finger was already on the igniter...” 

“You probably saved his life. Even a second later-”

“I know, that’s almost the worst part.”

-

“-his neck”

“Why would he change weapons?”

“What if-”

-

“He said what to you and Healer Che?”

“That has to support the detailed vision idea, think about-”

“I’m sorry, Emperor?”

-

“I think we’re done.”

Anakin stared blankly at Sife. “But we didn’t figure anything out.”

“Not conclusively, but we’re unlikely to make any more progress, you’ve given me enough information to preform a meaningful meditative scan, or guide a conversation, should Obi-Wan wake, or navigate through his mind, should we decide to make a more decisive attempt at his shields.”

“Master Aerdo... I leave the final judgement up to you, but I strongly urge you to make a more decisive attempt. I am more convinced now than I was...” Mace glanced at the chronometer “five hours ago that this was motivated by a specific, external stimuli, likely dark. Do you disagree?”

“No.” they said with a sigh. “But I don’t want to underestimate how much underlying factors might have contributed to his response to stimuli, including underlying factors that none of you were aware of.”

The Nautolan Soul Healer stood up, tucking their hands into their sleeves to address the room with classical Jedi serenity. It was a little irritating.

“In any case, we all need to sleep, eat, and meditate. Master Eerin, you have the rest of the day off, I've cleared it with Master Che already. Master Windu, I leave the final judgement up to you, and I am aware that your duties as Master of the Order are unceasing, but I urge you to take some time to center yourself before returning to the council. Commander Cody, I would be more than willing to arrange soul healing for you or any of the Vod, please let me know. Anakin, you will receive a comm later today with further details on your future healing sessions. 

They bowed low, then glided out the door.

Bant stood next, bowed individually to each soul, and sped walked out.

Commander Cody cleared his throat awkwardly, “Mace- what should I tell the troops? We’re supposed to have command briefings later tonight.”

“If anyone asks about General Kenobi, tell them its classified.” I’ll schedule a briefing on the subject. Now go find Captain Rex and take care of yourself, that’s an order.”

Cody saluted, first to the high General, then to Anakin.

Finally it was just Mace and Anakin.

“Is there anyone who you trust who I can call to stay with you.” Master Windu asked.

“I can manage on my own” Anakin replied, not willing to give the Master of the Order anything else he could use against him, even after everything.

Master Windu held back a sigh.

He continued once more, making a deliberate attempt to soften his tone. “Anakin- I know we’ve had our differences, but this is not a trick, nor a trap. You’ve suffered a series of great shocks in the last 24 hours and handled them with immense maturity. I myself am struggling to deal with the emotional fallout.”

Anakin looked up at that, surprised. He didn’t seem to be struggling, but maybe that was what made him a good Jedi Master...

“As I told you before, I am not going to begrudge you the comfort of attachment. I’m rather convinced it would do you more harm than good at this point. I don’t want you flying right now, and you don’t have to be alone. I hope we have come to a better understanding today, but I doubt my presence is suddenly a comfort, though please correct me if I’m wrong. Now is there someone I can call?”

-

Padme ended her call with Master Windu extremely discomfited. She had barely heard from Anakin since he ran out on her the night before last to take care of an apparently extremely drunk Obi-Wan. He had messaged her a few times that night, promising to make it up to her, but had been comm-silent since. She had been starting to get worried, and now the Master of the Order was asking her to pick him up from the temple. Fortunately, she had already cleared most of her meetings for the week well in advance (Courascant leave usually meant THEM time, not that she was jealous of Obi-Wan, of course).

The speeder ride back from the temple was silent. All Anakin would say was that he would explain everything once they were in ‘a secure location.’ 

The door to the apartment had scarcely closed behind them when Anakin fell into her arms, shaking.

“Anakin, talk to me love, what’s wrong?” She gently guided him to the couch, arranging him so she could hold him protectively.

“Obi-Wan tried to kill himself.”

She let out a harsh gasp, “No! He can’t have, he would never-” 

“I got to him in time, but Padme... he was holding a lightsaber to his heart. It was...really close” He burrowed deeper into the folds of her dress, and she gripped him fiercely.

“Oh gods, is he-”

“He’s physically healing, but he’s still...not all there. I spent all of today locked in a room, trying to figure out if it was a Sith Attack, or an insane vision, or..or me”

“Anakin! What do you mean ‘me’ - Obi-Wan loves you, you-”

“I know.” Anakin interrupted her again, knowing he was being unfair; he was just too exhausted to be patient.

“He told me loved me. He...he...found out about what I did to the Tusken village, You should have seen his face, Padme, he was horrified, but he still told me he loved me, and he was willing to forgive me, even though he shouldn’t”

“Of course he forgave you,” Padme whispered. “You’re not a monster, Anakin, I know you would never do something like that again.”

"And then after we talked, I left him alone and he-” Anakin choked out into her dress.

Tears ran down her face, heart breaking. “That’s- that’s horrible. Anakin...it must have have been a attack, Obi-Wan wouldn’t do that.” she said urgently.

He pulled away, horrified. “I made you cry. I made Obi-Wan cry too. I’m sorry- Padme please, promise me you won’t-”

She grabbed the sides of his head. 

Her nails bit into the soft skin behind his ears as she pulled him down so they were face-to-face, vowing, “Never. I swear by the force itself, I will never choose death over life.”

He let out a relieved sigh, eyes fluttering closed.

“Now you,” she demanded

“As long as I have anyone to live for, I swear by the force, I will never choose death over life.”

She pulled him the rest of the way in for a bruising kiss. He lifted her, and they desperately clung at one another as he carried her to bed. They continued like that, clinging and grasping, until exhaustion carried him to sleep. She pulled the covers over top them both and curled around him defensively as the day slowly faded away.

Part XI

[shadowsong26fic]

Coming Attractions!

First Monday of the month (and year. Thank every known deity in the universe.)

...ahem.

Yeah. It’s been a...well, 2020. But it is now officially a new month and year, and time for a Coming Attractions post!

The big news, obviously, is that I actually finished Precipice. \o/ ...well, the first seven arcs, anyway.

As I’ve discussed before, and explained in my very long author’s note at the end of the final chapter on Ao3, the next steps for this AU are a series of seven one-shots which will be released as ‘Preludes,’ covering the six-year timegap before Arc Eight. These mostly deal with Rebels characters (although I’m slightly rethinking one of them because I should probably include Mara Jade in it...), as well as Sidious’ fifth apprentice and possibly Maul.

I’ll also be starting the sequel, entitled either Protectors or Promises (it’s been Protectors for a while, but now I’m waffling? IDK). Anyway, that picks up with arc Eight, Escalation, six years after the end of Precipice. I’ll probably post a preview snippet sometime this month because Why Not.

There will be a hiatus (an actually Planned one this time, lol...). I’m aiming to start posting in April, but we’ll see how things go.

Anyway, moving on to other plans!

Other Star Wars Projects:

our faces like a mirror

I totally planned to start posting that this year <.< On the plus side, I don’t...think the Siege of Mandalore arc (or the stuff from the Mandalorian) really Jossed anything I had planned? Especially given the fact that it’s set from 5 years pre-TPM (I recognize that Lucasfilm has made a timeline decision but given that it’s a stupid-ass timeline decision I have elected to ignore it) to about 5 years post-TPM, so I wasn’t really expecting it to, but it was a vague concern of mine. Anyway, I’ll rewatch to be sure before I post, probably. But, yeah, I’m all the more excited about my girl Bo-Katan now, so hopefully I’ll get some momentum on this.

2021 SWBB:

I finally figured out a general shape of the plot, lol! And I have about...just under 4k of miscellaneous text in this AU (like, actual Story text, not just random notes and scribbles of which I have. A Lot). I need to get another 2k by Sunday, but that shouldn’t be a problem.

It’s going to be in four parts, plus prelude/interludes/coda, because that is the Structure that my brain at like 4AM gave me the other night, lol. While I don’t know the details, I have a general idea of What Happen in parts one, three, and four; except for tying in some Mandalore stuff and making some Decisions about who I want to draw in at various points. Part Two is also up in the air. I know how it needs to end to set up part three, but not so sure about what should actually go in there. Possibly I’ll end up cutting Part Two and just having a three-part story, but eh, we’ll see.

Anyway, I’m having fun with this, especially since I’ve discovered the Plot, so we’ll see how things go from here :)

Other SW Fanfics:

I am...hoping??? to resurrect Distaff and/or the Ventress outline at some point this year, because I’m very fond of those AUs and they deserve some more love. Possibly also another Devoted story. We shall see.

AtLA Fanfic Projects:

As I’ve mentioned a few times over the past few months, I’ve fallen back into this fandom (which was my primary fandom for...like...four to six years????) And I definitely want to write more in it. I’ve already done one AU outline, and I have plans for a couple fulltext fics (...discounting the super-self-indulgent crossover stuff I don’t super plan on sharing outside a very small circle lol). I don’t have much actual, uh, Text on anything yet, but I’m hoping to start posting one or more of those at some point this year, too.

Project One is an Avatar Zuko AU; Aang is around for reasons that do get explained in story; Zuko finds out a couple months before the duel with his father when accidental water or airbending happens (he’s in a sailboat, there’s a storm, I haven’t worked out the details yet). He decides That Clearly Didn’t Happen and proceeds to ignore it...until he manages to accidentally waterbend again when in the infirmary post-duel. At which point he decides he Does Not want to be just...used as a weapon. He figures he has about three and a half years before the comet, he can use that time to figure out what to do next; maybe come back with the comet and Prove his Worth at that point.

He goes to the WAT first, to see what he can figure out about airbending from any texts/mosaics/whatever that are still there; then he heads to the NWT; then he’ll probably pick up Toph because I love their dynamic. He plans to spend a year on each other element (not enough time for mastery but that comet deadline looms large). Obviously, over the course of those three years, his plans change.

And then things get thrown even more off the rails when Aang emerges from the iceberg before Zuko’s year of earthbending is up.

There will be a fair number of OCs hanging around (both to give him someone to talk to at the WAT and I think he’s going to learn from a less-prominent master than Pakku when he gets to the NWT), as well as Iroh trying to find his nephew, and various other familiar faces from the show.

Project Two is about Lu Ten, and a lover he had during the Siege of Ba Sing Se, and what happens to her (and her daughter) after his death. I’ve talked about that one in a little more detail in other posts, I think, hence the comparatively short summary, lol.

Original Stuff:

I am hoping to get more origfic posted this year than I did last year. I’ve got these universes I love exploring, and I feel like they should get more attention, lol.

...I think that about covers it! At the end of last year, I set myself some Goals, which were. Well. 2020 happened, soooo...

Anyway, because I am an Optimist, I’m going to set goals again for this year. And I guess go over how well I did on the ones I had??? A lot of my goals will probably be repeats from last year, because...yeah.

2020 Goals

1. Finish Precipice; complete Arcs 8 and 9 in Protectors/Promises/Precipice II; put out some level of Arc 7.5/Preludes content.           I did finish Precipice! I did not do the other things. 2. Write at least 10k of origfic content.           Not quite--I ended up with 8,129 words. 3. Start posting OFLAM           Nope, that did not happen. 4. Revive a semi-hiatused fic (i.e., Distaff; Auxiliaries; Phoenix!Verse; one of the BSG fics I keep meaning to go back to if I ever actually sit down and rewatch the series; if I add an actual sequel/companion to Deja Vu… that probably counts…)           Did not happen. 5. Finish updating Lux and Farglass Cycle archives; keep them updated through the end of the year as new content gets added.           Nope. 6. At least four AU outline installments of some kind; preferably including a continuation of Ventress and Her Tiny Time-Travelling Conscience and actually writing up the main part of Let’s Go Steal a Crossover; but any outline will count.           I did put up one AtLA outline, as mentioned before; and I also posted a massive timeline for the Jedi of Valdemar AU, but nothing else. 7. Complete BB submission and keep an eye out for other challenges/exchanges.           Did complete BB, and one giftfic exchange over the summer. 8. Write at least one holiday fic (Valentine’s Day; Mother’s Day; Father’s Day; Halloween; New Year’s; etc.) and post on the appropriate day.           Did not do the thing.

2021 Goals

1. Post Arcs 8 and 9 in Precipice!Verse as well as at least half of the Preludes stories. 2. Write at least 10k of origfic content. 3. Start posting OFLAM. 4. Revive a semi-hiatused fic; preferably Distaff; but Auxiliaries or Phoenix!verse or one of the BSG fics would also count (Serenissima, Other Battlestar, For Sorrow Sung rewrite...) 5. Start posting at least one AtLA fulltext fic. 6. Finish updating Lux and Farglass Cycle archives; keep them updated through the end of the year as new content gets added. 7. Find a title and set up an archive for Untitled Intrigues Story 8. At least four AU outline installments of some kind, preferably including a continuation of Ventress and Her Tiny Time-Travelling Conscience 9. Complete BB submission and keep an eye out for other challenges/exchanges. 10. Write at least one holiday fic (Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Halloween, New Year’s, etc.) and post on the appropriate day.

[legobiwan]

Thrawn: Treason (the rest of it)

Wow, Assistant Director Assbucket is the literal worst, I can’t believe Thrawn foisted him on Ar’alani at the end that poor woman puts up with a lot with Thrawn I never thought I’d live to see the day Grand Admiral “I have a plan for everything” Thrawn being the insane troublemaker of the Chiss.

Anyone notice Eli was starting to sounds a little...Thrawn-ish towards the end of the book? At least, when he was reassuring Vah'nya he would kill her and the other navigators if the Chiss fell to the Grysks???

But let’s back up a moment to the mission on Aloxor. ONCE AGAIN, I am so happy to see Thrawn’s strange cosplay fetish rearing its head, right where (or perhaps I should say wear hahahahah I’m so funny I’ll be here all night, make sure to try the chicken) it belongs - with Eli Vanto. 

I love that Ronan cannot let go of his stupid cloak given to him by the Supreme Being of All Light and Intelligence Director Krennic what is Ronan’s deal with Krennic???

But Mole/Dayja had it right when said all people in charge love capes. Hahahahahahaha. Too right. 

Savit’s little internal monologue about petty politics and corruption being the death of the Empire was really interesting because - as we all remember - the exact same accusation was lobbed at the Republic. And the Republic was bloated and corrupt and ruled by petty politics that ended up drawing the Jedi in and that didn’t end well but the same thing is happening in the Empire, just on an accelerated time-scale. Which makes me wonder, did Sidious believe that once the Death Star was up and running, it would quell any grumblings because everyone would just be too terrified to say otherwise? I mean, what was Sidious’s endgame being immortality and ultimate power? What do you even do at that point? (This gets a little close to the philosophical debate that death gives meaning and Sidious’s whole thing was avoiding death and I just kind of wonder what the point is after a while. Ultimate POWAH, I suppose.)

ANWAY. 

Who was it in the book that pointed out that every weapon, ship, etc has a weak point, including the Death Star? I feel like it was Thrawn, but maybe it was Savit. Anyway, hahahaha foreshadowng. 

Okay, so Savit was playing Imperial Robin Hood, stealing from Stardust to arm the rest of the Navy because he felt Stardust was both shortsighted and an onus on the budget. He’s not wrong. The Death Star is kind of a stupid gamble, and you have to wonder if Sheevy Sheev was getting a little too confident (as Luke pointed out in RotJ) and thus put all of his space eggs in one space basket. I mean, the man loves consolidating power, and a Death Star is just another step in that direction - but...it’s a bad idea??????

BUT. THE MUSIC THING WITH SAVIT HAD ME ROLLING. You guys have to understand, I finished listening to this while I was out on my run and I was laughing so hard at this scene I just had to stop on the street, double over, and cackle loudly through my mask. Thankfully, we’re still shut down over here, so there were fewer people to stare at me like I was insane, but this was great.

First of all, Savit arguing that he’s not an artist, he’s a musician and then between that the Ronan commenting on the hand gestures I knew exactly where this was going to go and it didn’t disappoint one bit.

I love that Thrawn says music is too up to interpretation, ah yes, composition - the true death of the author. (And the true death of the composer, who is likely spinning in their grave.) Except Ronan Savit plays (and conducts!) his own works. Starting with the high winds (of course, there are too many high wind players out there, market’s tight you have broaden your activities hahahahahahahaha), and then expanding as he gained status. I’m not entirely sure how this fed into his patronage/favors by the Coruscanti elite (did they just really like increasingly bombastic music?) but I’m totally willing to roll with it. 

Anyway, this was GREAT I needed this ridiculousness in my life I’m so glad that whole conversation from the beginning of the book between Krennic and Savit came back. I love Thrawn and his art analysis classes can I audit the next one? Just for fun?

By the way, I am so glad Zahn didn’t go down the romance route with Eli and Vah'nya, I was a little afraid of that but it was unfounded. 

But Eli. Ohhhh Eli. Your secret mission that you don’e even know about aboard the Steadfast. He’s analyzing numbers and data from Navigators in order for the Ascendancy to be able to locate future Navigators and perhaps gain insight into their skill. Their skill is Third Sight (and rarely, Second Sight), which is essentially Force-sensitivity. The Chiss are trying to locate Force-sensitives. As in, trying to create something like the holocron in the Jedi Archives that listed Force-sensitive babies. Hooooo boi. Sidious would want to get his paws on that and I think Thrawn knows that. Thrawn, despite his loyalty to the Empire (loyalty that goes deep enough that he brought in Savit despite likely agreeing with him on the objective facts of Stardust draining the budget). This, however, has to be a line in the sand. And it harkens back to something Eli was pondering earlier, about where both his and Thrawn’s true loyalties were.

Hooray both Eli and Faro got a promotion. Thrawn is such a good boss.

Okay, but the ending. *deep breath* Here we go. This happens, I believe, pretty close to the ending of Rebels. Now, I’ve seen discussions where people believe Thrawn was neutered on Rebels, especially with the somewhat deus ex machina ending. I’m in the middle of a rewatch so I won’t comment further on that until I’ve gotten through it, but here’s my initial reading, just based on instinct. Sidious is planning to either eliminate Thrawn or use him to conquer the Chiss. Sidious doesn’t know about the Force-sensitive list Eli is creating, but if Sidious got to the Chiss, he’d get that list and it would be bad times for everyone. Thrawn is not as politically naive as he allows everyone to think, at least not with this. He’s been playing both sides to the middle for a long time now and between Sidious and the Grysks, he is going to be forced to choose. I just wonder how much of that plays into the ending on Rebels, how Thrawn deals with Lothal, and - given his penchant for acquiring certain non-Chiss for the Ascendancy - what his possible plan for Ezra may have been (especially given what we know about the Second and Third Sight). I won’t say much more until I finish my rewatch, but those questions are floating around my head.

To summarize: it was a delight seeing Thrawn with some of his people and knowing he’s a weirdo there, as well. Thrawn and Eli together is still the absolute best combination and I wish we had more of it. Ronan is an ass and I hate him. Ar’alani just needs a damn drink to deal with all of these fools, Thrawn most of all. I would say out of the three, the first novel is still my favorite, but this comes in a close second and I really hope we get a fourth novel at some point. 9/10 

[tigstripe]

A wee little update

I’ve been pretty quiet as of late on tumblr, and while part of that is the sudden drop off in my feed because of the, *ahem*, terrible choices Tumblr made over the past year, another part of it was that I have been super preoccupied in my free time with a lot of things that strictly don’t pertain to tumblr. So, in case anyone was wondering, here’s what I’ve been up to:

Currently, I am rewatching Arrow, trying to rewatch all the way through season 7 before the final season starts up in mid-October. I’m at s5e13 as of writing this, and I watched about ten episodes yesterday, whew. So that takes up a lot of processing power in and of itself, because Arrow is a hard watch at times.

Also, I’ve been doing a little hobby project for me and my friends, involving Magic the Gathering and one of my top fandoms (which I never actually post about here, strangely enough), the Typemoon universe - specifically Fate/Zero and Fate/Stay Night properties. Some friends and I are generating literally hundreds of unique Magic the Gathering cards to be played together in a cube draft setting (I’ll spare you the details, but it’s gonna be fun), and I’m the main creative force on the team. I’ve spent quite a bit of time on it, and it’s gonna remain that way for the foreseeable future - at least until we can finally play with the cards we made together.

So.

That’s what I’ve been up to.

What do I want to do in the future? TONS:

- Rewatch Glee and rank every song in the series according to season, character, and overall. - DRAW. Specifically, I want to do some comic-style fanart storyboarding some of my favorite tumblr Chats I’ve made or seen in the Arrowverse and Star Wars fandoms. - WRITE. I have several serial stories I need to work on. I particularly want to try to finish my Last Jedi sequel series before December rolls around, but we’ll see. Also, there’s some Toliver and Olivarry I need to finish up. - Play games of the Warehouse 13 boardgame and do photographic reports and write-ups of them. - Original content! Probably not on this tumblr, though, I have another one for my original stuff.

I’m still here, I’m still seeing everything, and a lot of the time, I’m reblogging it. But Tumblr feels so empty nowadays, it’s hard to keep motivated to do anything here, hence how I was able to be pulled away from it so easily. I’ll be seeing what I can do about that~

If you’re still around and you see this, thanks for sticking with me! We’ll just huddle together for warmth in our little corner of Tumblr.

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

So I finally came home after 3 weeks of outdoor toil in pleasant sub-zero conditions, because someone lovingly scheduled work at sea for the middle of December (because of course the people making the decisions are not the people actually freezing outside at any point, but whatever). Anyway, I am indeed alive and, priorities being what they are, I made it to a late-night showing of The Last Jedi, woo! I got a really nice print with my ticket, too.

Short version: I like it the more I think about it and I can’t wait to rewatch, I loved how meta it was and the points it was making, I felt very catered to in various ways, including politically, which is always nice.

Rambly spoilery thoughts under the cut.

I loved so much about Luke (I first typed “everything” here but then I remembered the... milk... and noped out, ay). I felt his arc, while painful in many ways, was very on point and appropriate and made perfect sense. The whole going from cutting himself off from the Force, to more powerful than you can possibly imagine, not in a fight an entire army with a laser sword “badass” way, while still echoing those words - it was so... Jedi. The projection scene with all of its building hints that something is up was amazing, and one of the parts I’m most looking forward to seeing again. The binary sunset, an image carved so deeply into my mind way back when that’s stuck with me so closely and for so long that I can’t help but slip it into so many things I do - seeing it here, and in such a very... purposeful and peaceful full circle context, sure was something. Those kids at the end there? Playing with their Luke Skywalker action figure and being inspired by his tale? The best kind of meta. I actually have a ton of feelings and thoughts about the entire being a legend thing and making people into legends and sources of hope and all but I’m still processing.

Yoda! Yoda!!! Suddenly I was a tiny kid watching a worn out VHS of Empire again. The little troll, damn, nothing the girl doesn’t already possess, huh, I see you there, I see you. And with such a good lesson about failure - one that I feel echoes nicely throughout the movie.

Can we take Gwendoline Christie and put her in a big franchise where she won’t be criminally underused? Thanks. I was really, really looking forward to a whole Phasma vs Finn thing, as Finn and his story and the whole renegade stormtrooper thing ended up being my favourite parts of TFA, so while the scene was cool, and Finn well and truly finding and choosing his place and life as Rebel Scum was wonderful, it was all way shorter and less prominent than I expected, alas (would’ve been nice to see some of that “surviving at all costs, loyalty to nothing and nobody” from Phasma contrasted with him here - maybe in the, uh, next one? Because she totally survived that fall, right? Of course she did.). MORE FINN.

Every second of Leia’s screentime was a gift, she is powerful in so many ways, both as a direct actor and as an icon and beacon of hope for so many, I dearly loved how this was all acknowledged (some of it with a big whiff of FINALLY! for me). I am saddened by the way this whole movie was building up towards a big Leia arc in IX which we now won’t see, and I genuinely don’t know what they’ll do with the story. “No one's ever really gone.” wow, thanks for that shot direct through my goddamn heart. Also, I’m looking at you, AO3 Leia/Holdo tag. I’ve got my eye on you.

Rose I love to bits and I am so glad we got to meet her. It might sound silly but the best way to summarise my feelings on her would be, honestly, if she were an actual person and we met in real life, we’d get on like a house on capitalism-hating fire. Her quote about protecting what you love as the true point of resistance is a huge and important thing, I think, and for me tied into the whole thing about... basing your actions, your activism, what you try to do and what you fight for, on furthering a cause you care for and a desire to genuinely improve the world and the rights and lives of a certain group of people, as opposed to doing it to tear someone else down, prove yourself superior or make yourself look good in some way. I would have liked to see more of her and Finn’s relationship developing (and reeeeally really hope there’s nothing resembling a love triangle in the next movie, nobody needs those).

The (non)answer given here about Rey’s parentage is, honestly, what I’ve pretty much been rooting for. Between this and Rogue One, I dig the stepping away from dynasties and secret family ties and bloodlines as the sources of power and heroism. And the Force bond thing threw me back to KOTOR2 and ah, Kreia.

Also just... casually seeing women everywhere? Pilots, engineers, bridge crew, on all sides? It just felt... good.

I have very, very little personal emotional investment (to put it mildly) in Kylo Ren but I liked the direction he was taken here, the subversion of Rey’s and some of the audience’s expectations or even wishes re: redemption etc. (with another bit of the theme of drawing on stories and legends that the OT became - Luke got through to Vader in the end there, right? That’s how it’s going to go, right, how it’s supposed to, when Rey tries it?).

Porgs were pretty cute and not obnoxiously overused as I vaguely feared they might end up being.

Location shooting for Canto Bight was done here - not in the exact city I live in, but altogether close enough for the “wretched hive of outwardly more high-class scum and villainy drawing their obscene wealth from war profiteering” to hit very close to home in ways I’m sure were not intended.

Conclusion: would probably watch 5 movies about Finn and Rose Destroying Capitalism, thanks.