#revolution radio listener tim is something that can be so personal

[mr-e-nigma]

My headcanons for their favorite Green Day albums

[violetsystems]

#personal

The highlight of my week was Shake Shack on my lunch break at work.  It was the first time I’ve had it and I keep calling in Steak and Shack mentally.  I pass by it every day in the morning for coffee in the West Loop.  It passed through my feed due to some flaky algorithms and I was hungry.  Thirsty too I guess but I didn’t get a shake.  My order came up and New Order’s “Power Corruption and Lies” came on the radio as I picked it up.  I took a picture of it on Instagram and ate fries at my desk.  I treat my social media like a journal or diary.  I don’t really pay much attention to other people’s social media at all.  I don’t know if it’s all that healthy when it’s out of context.  I’m a victim of people not understanding the context of what I post.  You can be stressed out or under duress and fill in the blanks on anything.  I’m a huge believer in privacy for somebody who writes so transparently on the internet.  I live in America and I’ve often been ashamed at what people pass off as freedom.  People don’t mind their own business.  People make it a business not to mind their own business.  I was reading an article about the whistleblower for Cambridge Analytica.  The company’s business model prior to changing their name was Psychological Warfare.  Steve Bannon was on the board or something.  It seems like the only money these days for bloated old white people is hate clicks.  People trying to create drama in a vacuum.  That vacuum being people’s privacy.  It’s insidious to think about but it’s a natural exploit of human nature.  We’re all afraid of something and can be socially engineered to respond to it.  For the record I’m not afraid at all.  And sometimes when things slip through the cracks of my quantum window I make decisions.  I go get a hamburger and fries on my lunch break.  I actually take a lunch for once.  I buy a pair of shoes and wear them for a week.  All this seems like a revolution to the bourgeoisie and passers by.  I’m just trying to feed myself.  Since I’ve quit the gym I probably exercise more.  I’ve gotten more efficient at the science behind it.  That’s athleticism I guess.  I quit the gym because people kept following me there and harassing me.  I quit taking certain streets these days often for the same reason.  It’s gotten impossible to avoid.  Sometimes the claustrophobia is pleasant.  I’ve seen a lot of Girls Who Code people on the streets lately since I went to the Google conference.  Always women of color banded together like the real superheroes they are.  Sometimes in pink hijabs.  There’s a lot of hidden symbolism in plain sight in Chicago these days.  There’s also a lot of abuses of power which come as no surprise.  The trick is knowing where you fit into all of it.  And assuming your place in anything is rude.  It happens to me all the time.  People stepping over boundaries and me having to reevaluate my feelings towards it.  That’s how you provoke real culture.  And also how fake culture ends up in the mulch.

My mom called while I was playing magic to tell me Tuesday was a good day to mow.  It takes a good hour and a half on public transportation to get out there.  The entire time I spend is in public getting there.  Public in America is a very strange and magical space to navigate.  I’m not exactly hard to spot from far away as low key as I try to play things.  People in the suburbs have probably seen me more than most the last year.  People in the city are too stuck up or self absorbed to care.  When they do it’s usually wrapped up in some scheme or plan where I’m a utility.  They spend years watching you and talking behind your back.  Then finally when you are worth something to them collectively they try to prod you into a box.  A magic money making box where everybody is happy, productive and useful.  Sometimes I’m just trying to get a hamburger with fries.  Nobody asks who gave me that idea and that’s nobody’s business.  I’ve blocked people on Instagram for following me around.  Like point blank had to do that Friday.  When I go to New York by myself it’s much the same thing it’s true.  I do take pictures and check into places.  And sometimes people find them interesting and appreciate my interest.  But there’s a very huge boundary there in the fact that I can only afford to travel there every two months for maybe three days.  I live here.  The public space in Chicago has always had this oppressive atmosphere to it.  It’s opening up these days.  Especially in terms of diversity and inclusivity.  But you’ve got to tell it to leave you alone almost constantly.  And you have to figure out a way to set up your own boundaries here regardless if it’s fair or not.  People are very nice in the Midwest.  There’s this culture of kindness that isn’t always very genuine.  It clashes with real Chicago sometimes.  The kind of Chicago that knows better.  Street wise Chicago still is very nice and kind.  New York has the New York minute.  Chicago moves far slower.  Somebody takes a moment of your time and they try to turn it into a lifetime.  People fall out of your life but still feel connected through your ghostly presence on social media.  And they think they know all about you.  Whether or not this is the price of fame or being famous doesn’t really matter.  Chicago is famous for the saying “you ain’t shit.”  It’s a hater town to it’s very core.  Sometimes that’s fun to punk.  I don’t work for a psychological warfare firm.  I work at an art school.  I’m not trying to be an Instagram star or a reality show contestant.  I’m trying to start a life for myself nobody wants me to have.  One where I am free to love who I want and others are free to do the same.  Free to grab a hamburger and make a joke about it without having to explain myself.  Free to fly to Shanghai by myself and do the same thing.  And for the most part I am.  It just requires the responsibility to keep it to myself.  No matter how public facing I become.

One of the people I used to be in a music crew with and helped out tremendously is in New York this weekend playing a show.  Two years ago I started going to New York with that safety net in tow.  I could book a show with friends and play my music.  These days nobody knows who I am or will give me the chance.  The chance was never there.  At least not in music.  Years later New York is inescapable for me at this point.  I don’t need a reason.  I don’t need a show.  I just need to go.  I don’t need support.  I don’t need a chaperone.  I don’t need permission.  And nobody has ever given me a break.  It’s always shadowy bullshit guiding you through the fog.  And if you can’t trust people to remember what you’ve done years later what’s the point.  If people really ask me point blank why I go to New York I’m ambiguous at best.  Yeah I have friends out there.  But it’s more than that.  I’ve grown to be a part of two cities.  A bridge to a lot things on a strange rhizome that nobody wants to acknowledge specifically.  But in the margins and fog is where every single bit of the magic happens.  And you have to dive straight into the center in such an eloquent way off the diving board.  I’ve knocked my head more than I care to admit.  But then again I’ve been writing about it here week after week to people who listen.  Sometimes it’s a deeper love letter.  It’s always a deeper love letter this I cannot lie about.  But that’s between me and another person.  It’s true I’ve waded through a maelstrom of bullshit.  It’s nothing new to me at this point.  When I catch people on their borderline machiavellian tendencies I have to act like I’m not surprised.  When I see people’s schemes and plans in motion like a cartoon villain I just walk away.  Wander back to a safe, predictable space where I can rest.  People are chasing after money constantly.  People belittle my success and potential often.  I’m not rich enough.  I’ve let too much of my life pass me by.  Buried by other people’s fear of me moving on without their approval.  Yet people need me every waking second of the day like I’m a superhero.  Sometimes it’s rewarding.  Particularly when it comes to providing a safe space for people to think without being judged or manipulated.  That’s freedom to me in America.  How we can type out on the internet what we feel and flick off police helicopters for being so nosy.  How I can wear some shoes banned in China every day to work this week and nobody really knows the difference.  How I really enjoyed that hamburger.  Nobody needs to know why specifically.  Other than I’m a growing healthy boy who is also very thirsty for the record.  Maybe I’ll get a milk shake next time and drink it up.  Maybe I’ll be hunted by the paparazzi afterwards.  They don’t want to fuck with these healthy bones.  Maybe I’m saving these strong bones and teeth for the haters.  Maybe I don’t care much about them at all.  I’m all smiles on the inside.  Nobody needs to know why.  Crinkle cut fries do help on occasion.  <3 Tim