#returned from dust| breakdowns alive verses

[kos-multi-medbay]

Tagg dumpp

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Fic Masterlist

Most of my fics are listed here for the sake of organization! (Last updated 7/3/21)

MCYT 

New Beginnings

Technoblade (the streamer) is sent into the Dream SMP, and must rely on Dream to survive in this new world. (Set during Tommy’s Exile!) Lots of angst and codependency! There are currently four parts out of this series.

MimicVerse Knockoffs

A series of stories inspired by Subl1m1nals own series Mimic Verse, wherein an evil version of Technoblade takes his counterparts place. Tommy is the only one who notices Techno’s change in personality, and tries to prove to the rest of their friends that this is not their Technoblade. (Set outside of the Dream SMP!) Lots of angst and hurt/comfort from Subl1m1nal, and a ton of angst and pain from my series.

i will be changing soon

An SCP AU based on the Sleepy Bois Inc. Family Dynamic! Centered on Techno! A fair amount of angst and violence.

certain things will never go back to how they used to be

A fic based around Sam, Quackity, and Dream’s mentality during the first day of Quackity torturing Dream. Angst, with some blood and violence. 

phantom home

A character study based around Sam and his relationship with Las Nevadas and Pandora’s Vault. Lots of angst, and some pseudo-fluff.

bodies in the basement

A Sam-centric character study based around his torture of Ponk, Tommy’s death, and his relationship with Quackity. Angst, blood and violence! Read the tags!

refuge

A Quackity-centric fic about 3 times Sam helped Quackity and one time Quackity helped Sam. Lots of angst and violence, but with a happy ending!

indulging in you

A soulmate AU based around Schlatt and Quackity, and the impact that their soulmarks have had on one another. Angst and a character study! 

One Day (One Hour)

A Schlatt-centric fic about Schlatt being stuck in a time loop after his death. Lots of angst and manipulation from Schlatt!

the greatest sacrifice

A character study of Skeppy during his day trapped in the Egg, and what caused him to turn so apathetic toward everything he used to love. Angst, hurt no comfort!

A Single Orange Rose

A Fundy-centric fic based around Fundy and Dream’s marriage. Angst with a healthy dose of unhealthy relationships!

our home in hell

A fun fic based around Technoblade and Quackity both being raised in an illegal hybrid fighting ring. Lots of fluff, (because I lost motivation to write the chapter where the angst starts up) but a lot of violence and children getting hurt.

convalescence

A Tommy-centric fic based around five times Tommy got hurt, and the one time someone helped him. A lot of angst with some comfort at the end!

our patchwork family

A fic based on egare’s ( @elpalaccio ) chaos, she politely knocked, based on the mystery of where Tommy was staying while Quackity was dealing with Technoblade. This is a mix of a Tommy and Sam character study, with some angst and humor thrown in!

pawn to e8

A fic based on egare’s ( @elpalaccio ) chaos, she politely knocked, wherein Quackity is a shapeshifter and after the failed execution he is forcibly recruited by Dream. The original has a lot of angst and found family, and my fic carries the angst train by giving Quackity’s POV of his breakdown in chapter 11.

Best Friend

A Glatt-centric fic based around the idea that he’s forgotten his life before death, but unlike Ghostbur he is not remembered for the “good” he did in life. Lots of heavy angst!

evolution of the smartest

A Pokemon AU that centers around Technoblade and his journey to becoming champion! 

in my heart, in my hand

A Sapnap-centric fic wherein Quackity has been dead since Technoblade’s execution. Lots of angst and grief and major character death!

open arms

A fun cracky fic based around “what if Quackity proposed to all his enemies (and friends) and they had family reunions every few months”. Tons of fluff and fun! Oh also some Fundy angst lol

you could be happy

A Hogwarts AU that centers around Technoblade, a mis-sorted Hufflepuff, and Dream, a Slytherin, and their quest to find a spell to control others. Angst, with a character getting caught in a blizzard!

three of a kind

A fic inspired by dappledleave’s healing: achieved underground, a Quackity-centric fic based around his time in Pogtopia! Since it’s all Quackity’s POV I decided to do a character study for Schlatt, George, and Fundy from healing. Just some general angst!

your worst fears come true

A Sam-centric fic based around Wilbur’s revival, and Sam’s hesitation to kill the intruder at the time. An exploration of what would happen if Tommy died a second time in Pandora’s Vault. Lots of angst and completely canon divergent.

Love and Loss

A fic based around the theory that Sir Billiam III and Sheriff Sherman Thompson are brothers, and that John John is the Butler! Some fluff and some angst, plus some canonical major character death!

Badlands!Techno

A Techno-centric AU series where Technoblade joined the Badlands after the Red Festival! Mild angst!

heart and soul

A study of Techno’s relationship with the staff of Hypixel. Fluff and found family!

Star Wars

Domir

A fun peek into a “Maul trains Ezra” AU! Lots of angst and canon divergence!

Family Reunion

An AU wherein the Bridger’s take refuge with the Rebellion, after they believe their son has died. After fifteen years, they reunite with their son, who has become Maul’s apprentice in their absence. Lots of angst and feels!

a better version

A canon divergence of the “Visions and Voices” episode wherein Ezra manages to convince Maul to help him save Kanan and Sabine. Lots of angst and canon divergence!

our final night alive

A character study about Maul and Savage and brotherhood. Lots of angst, as is typical with these two.

nobody to love

An AU where during "Visions and Voices” Maul sees Savage’s ghost among the Nightsisters. Fairly short, but lots of angst.

fantasies of a better future

A fic inspired by @doorsclosingslowly​ ‘s fic Your death is a number but I cannot count that high which is a Savage Lived AU on angst steroids. My fic is an imagining of the reunion between Savage and Maul, before said scene was written! Lots of angst, as per usual.

acidic words

A fic about Dathomirian’s tattoos and how their meanings change in a world filled with soulmate-identifying marks. Some angst!

keep breathing

An AU wherein Ezra is found by the Inquisitors at a young age. Some fluff and angst, and a surprising amount of found family content!

legacy of kings

A fic based around the Haunted Dark Saber Theory (anyone who uses the Dark Saber can see/is possessed by the past users) wherein Maul becomes the Mand’alor, fights his former master, and loses his brother, all in a matter of hours. Mild angst.

standing on forgotten memories

An outsider POV of a Maul getting de-aged fic. Some angst and some vague mentions of Maul’s childhood.

the most honorable thing

A fic about Maul finding his way to the World Between Worlds, and saving his brother. Some angst with a happy ending!

Cardooine Chills

A sickfic with Savage taking care of Maul. Some angst and hurt/comfort.

Marble Hornets

heresy of heresies

Tim timetravels back to his childhood. Angst.

squeeze you empty

An Alex Lives AU wherein Liu Woods finds him in Rosswood Park. Blood, injury, and angst.

handfuls of dust

A sequel to squeeze you empty wherein Masky reunites with Alex. Angst.

who controls the past controls the future

Alex is stuck in a time loop based around the day Tim kills him. Angst and violence.

hold me close

A platonic soulmates AU. Lots of angst.

a smile, a hug

A fic about Masky being the Dad of Slender Manor.

flowers blooming, lungs aflame

Hanahaki Disease is a symptom of Slender Sickness. Angst.

a flare in the night

A fire starts in Slender Manor. Some mild angst.

Creepypasta

time heals no wounds

A fic about Sally and playing with the “a traitor in Slendermansion” trope. Lots of angst.

Harry Potter

just send me home

An AU wherein Harry is a seer working for Voldemort. Lots of angst and violence. Read the tags.

Warriors

Buteo Jamaicensis

A Hawkfrost character study. Heavy angst and hurt no comfort.

hand in unlovable hand

An AU of Into The Wild wherein Firepaw loses to Brokenstar, and is held captive by the Shadowclan leader. The fic is set many, many moons later and deals with the consequences of Firepaw being missing during that time. Lots of angst and major character death.

Déjà Vu

A fun Ashfur character study based around his time in Starclan and how he feels about Hollyleaf and Hawkfrost. Some angst and blood.

Pistanthrophobia

A fic about Hawkfrost being chosen for the New Prophecy quest instead of Brambleclaw. Lots of angst with a sprinkling of Riverclan loving Hawkfrost.

omitted from history

A fic about Feathertail meeting the original founders of the Clans. Some angst and fluff.

Tangled: The Series

Factory Reset

A fic about Varian getting his memory wiped during “Rapunzel’s Return”. Lots of angst.

Weeping Angels

A fic wherein Varian gets trapped in the amber instead of Quirin, and Quirin goes on a quest to the Dark Kingdom to free his son. Angst and emotional hurt no comfort.

love languages

A fic co-authored by my friend i_am_not_a_bird about the soulmarks of Rapunzel, Cassandra, Varian, Eugene, and all of the Brotherhood! Lots of angst, as per usual!

Axiom of Maria

A fic wherein I finally got Moonstone!Cassandra and Varian to team up against Rapunzel after four months of planning. Some angst, but mainly it’s a character study.

Gravity Falls

It’s Called: Freefall

A fic based around a Bill Wins AU, and a Dipper from that universe timetraveling back. Hopefully, to fix things. Lots of angst and violence, some character death.

burn you right up

A fic inspired by Child_OTKW’s Broken and Lost, a fic about Reverse Falls and how Weirdmageddon went in their universe. My fic was my own imagining of their childhood before the fic happened. Lots of angst and unhealthy relationships.

Heathers

Missing: Heather Chandler

A fic inspired by cipherdoodle’s The Ballad of Heather Chandler, my fic is set directly after Heather and JD go on the run and their resulting conversations. Lots of angst.

36 Questions

fondness is just another word for regret

A character study about Jase’s thought process during the two-year time skip. Mild angst.

Pokémon Mystery Dungeon

i’ll be by your side (even in death)

A character study about the relationship between the Player and Partner Pokémon after the Player’s “death”. Some angst and hurt/comfort and complicated relationships.

[limjaeseven]

The Day (7/8)

VERSE 2: PART 7 OF 8

Pairing: Jinyoung X Jaebeom ft Seulgi of Red Velvet

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Word Count: 2,217

Summary: Jaebeom is gone and Jinyoung is broken. But there's one last thing that the elder left for his best friend.

Warning(s): sad Jinyoung, mental breakdown, eulogy

[a/n]: I know this part is pretty late but it’s been sitting ready for a long time and has been up on my ao3 for a while but I hate posting stuff here cause it never shows up in tags :/

Jinyoung’s memories of his last few days were hazy at best. He only felt the reality of the situation sink in as he was on an airplane, flying home. He didn’t remember leaving the hospital, the only thing that was on his mind was the news report. Even though he didn’t understand a word of it, the picture of Jaebeom, face down on the road plagued him.

Jaebeom was gone. Jinyoung wished he could wake up from the horrible nightmare he was living through but regardless of how many times he pinched himself, Jaebeom was still not in the room next to his. He tried to tell himself it was just Jaebeom ignoring him again, but the sound of the elder’s mother crying was enough to tell him that it was real.

Jaebeom was dead. The funeral was held three days after he passed away, in a small cemetery close to their house. Jinyoung thought of the day they had come to bury Jaebeom’s cat in that very same place. Jaebeom had been devastated through it, Jinyoung sat there by him, letting him cry on his shoulder for hours as the evening turned to night.

Jinyoung had to physically drag Jaebeom home because the elder refused to leave. He was 21 at the time, still high off the success of Icarus. Jaebeom had loved her a lot and letting her go was one of the hardest things he had to ever do. Or so Jinyoung thought, blissfully ignorant of the sword of Damocles hanging over his head. 

Jaebeom’s mother had been able to get him a spot right next to his cat, where the two had often joked they would lay to rest together when they were to die. There was still a spot empty next to Jaebeom but Jinyoung tried not to think about it. He was supposed to give Jaebeom’s eulogy but all he could do was cry. Jinyoung was never one to cry but seeing Jaebeom like that, knowing that it would be the last time he would ever see him, it burst the dam inside Jinyoung.

As he was beating himself up for not being able to say one word about Jaebeom to the people crowding around him despite the fact that he was Jaebeom’s best friend, a pat on his back pulled him out of his head. He turned around to see Seulgi standing there, a sombre smile on her face.

“He promised me to never tell you. I was the one who blocked your number, I was the reason you weren't able to get to Jaebeom. I hope you don’t hold it against him, he just wanted you to be happy, Jinyoung'' Despite Seulgi’s attempts to calm him down, her words just multiplied the guilt in his heart. Of course Jaebeom would never ignore him just like that, how could he have been such a fool? How could he have hurt Jaebeom so bad? Coward, Jinyoung thought as he looked at Jaebeom’s father trying to console his mother. He didn’t even have the courage to say a word about Jaebeom, a man that meant so much to him.

Jinyoung took deep breaths as he felt himself sink into his mind, it had been happening a lot since Jaebeom left. Jinyoung found recluse in a part of his mind aloof from the real world, he spent hours there, not thinking, not feeling. He didn’t know what else to do. Thinking about the days he cried about his hyung not being in the other room felt like a lifetime ago, because he knew Jaebeom was never coming back. 

The memories of Jaebeom rushed to his mind, from the day they had first met to their time in school together, random moments from high school, scenes from Icarus and it was just too much. Just as they were about to leave, Jinyoung cleared his throat, looked at the ground where Jaebeom was resting and wiped his tears with the back of his hand.

“I met Lim Jaebeom when I was five,” Everyone looked up in shock at Jinyoung but the younger continued, just thinking of the elder, “He was the most grumpy, lazy, good for nothing, kind, caring, and talented people I had ever met in my life. We had our ups and downs, sure; there was a time we both thought our friendship was done, sure; but not once did he ever not be the rock in my life, the only person that kept me going when things were hard. He never told me about his illness because he knew it would hurt me. That was the man Jaebeom hyung was. He was selfless to a fault, and he took my rage because of it. There are a million things I want to apologise to you for, hyung, and a hundred times as many things for which I want to thank you. I couldn’t possibly ever truly be able to express everything that you were to me, but I can say this much; thank you for always being there for me, even when I was horrible to you. Thank you for loving me when I hated myself. Thank you for coming into my life and showing me a world that I never knew existed. Thank you for being you. I’m sorry I was never good enough, but I will try to live on, just for you, because that’s what you would have wanted. I love you, hyung, and I always will. Look after me from up in the sky if you can.”

Jinyoung hugged Jaebeom’s mother tightly as he helped her into the car, waving her and Jaebeom’s father off as they drove away. Jinyoung didn’t want to go back home, it reminded him too much of Jaebeom but he didn’t have much of a choice. He wanted to return Jaebeom’s possessions to his parents so he had to pack everything as soon as he could.

But that didn’t end well, because less than five minutes in, Jinyoung was curled up on the floor with Jaebeom’s leather duffle bag clutched against his chest, tears streaming down his face. The item still smelled like him, Jinyoung thought, picturing Jaebeom with the bag slung over his shoulder as they boarded the plane to Hokkaido.

It was too difficult to even be in a five meter radius of the room, let alone going through Jaebeom’s things. Just being in the same space that the elder was in not days before made Jinyoung’s eyes well with tears. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t part with the things that showed that Jaebeom was a part of his life for so many years. Even though he would always be in Jinyoung’s heart, he had already seen what the room looks like when empty and he hated the mere thought of it.

It took a while for him to muster up enough courage to tell Jaebeom’s mom that he wouldn’t be able to return his things, but she immediately shut him down, telling him that she wanted him to have Jaebeom’s things. She knew how much they meant to Jinyoung and wanted him to keep them for as long as he wanted them.

Jinyoung took two weeks off work to put himself back together and spent the entirety of it in Jaebeom’s room. The place had become a sort of safe haven for Jinyoung, reminding him of Jaebeom enough for him to still imagine that the man was alive. He cleared up the mess in his room, folded and arranged all his clothes, dusted his shelves of records. 

Just as Jinyoung was finishing up with Jaebeom’s closet, he noticed a box at the back of the shelf. Pulling it out, he realised it was the box for Jaebeom’s watch, and the tears were in his eyes before he could even process what he was doing. Placing the elder’s watch which Jaebeom’s mother had given to Jinyoung at the funeral in the box, he closed it shut and shoved into a corner, not wanting to look at it ever again. His own watch had mysteriously started counting the same second over and over again, the time same as that of Jaebeom’s death and burial; 1:31:23.

Looking through Jaebeom’s desk was probably the hardest task of all. The drawers were full of photos of the two of them at various points in their friendship, from the photo Jinyoung took of Jaebeom with his father’s camera when they were five to selfies they took with a disposable camera in Paris while Jinyoung was shooting a movie. Memories that Jinyoung knew he would never get to relive ever again. Jinyoung cried more than he probably had in his entire life in those two weeks. 

Jaebeom’s computer was just as bad, full of more videos and photos of the two of them, including a couple of songs Jinyoung had never heard of. He thought they were by some indie artist Jaebeom listened to but after seeing the producing software and notebooks full of lyrics, he realised what they really were.

Listening to one was painful enough, Jaebeom’s deep voice reaching Jinyoung’s soul, talking about people he loved, about feelings he had, the hardships he faced. There were at least fifty songs that Jaebeom had written that Jinyoung had never known about, just one mildly familiar one which he realised was part of the score for Icarus. He had never questioned where the song came from, never realising it was part of Jaebeom’s craft.

After having gone through every bit of Jaebeom’s room, Jinyoung downloaded a copy of Jaebeom’s songs on his phone and grabbed just the watch box and Jaebeom’s duffle bag before stepping out of the room and locking the door behind him. He was still to go through said bag before he was just too scared to. It was the last thing that Jaebeom had on him before he left Jinyoung, the younger was just not willing to part with it.

He wanted Jaebeom’s parents to have something of his present, or at least recent past, other than the things they had for Jaebeom’s childhood. The watch and bag were his best bet at something symbolic enough that they didn’t resent him for keeping that part of Jaebeom away from them. The bag especially, Jinyoung remembered the smile on Jaebeom’s face when he’d received it from his dad. 

Jaebeom had joined their school athletics team after Jinyoung had gotten selected for it, which Jinyoung realised was something he probably did for him knowing how bad running was for his condition. He unfortunately only had a tattered, old bag he carried to school for his shoes and uniform, while all the other members had owned fancy bags from big brands and they had often made fun of the boy for it. Even though he never told his father anything about the incidents, he received the bag for his birthday and it was one of Jaebeom’s favourite possessions ever since.

So the bag for his dad and the watch for his mom, Jinyoung thought, standing at the edge of the pathway at the edge of the road that led to their house. Before he got too far in though, curiosity took over Jinyoung and the strong urge to look inside the bag latched onto him.

Sitting down there, on the gravel on the pathway to Jaebeom’s parents’ house, Jinyoung zipped open the bag to find a few pairs of clothes, a small notebook and an mp3 player with a pair of headphones. Flipping over to the first page of the book, Jinyoung saw the familiar scribble of Jaebeom’s handwriting. But instead of it being a normal diary entry, it was a list of instructions, addressed directly to Jinyoung. 

With shaking hands, Jinyoung followed what was said, and before he knew it, he was having a full mental breakdown, crying his eyes out and scratching at his own face as he read, and heard, what Jaebeom had to say to him. He couldn’t hate the elder he realised, he knew that well, but he did have hatred in his heart, towards himself. Knowing that he’s the reason Jaebeom lost so many precious moments of his life, he’s the reason the elder suffered, it was enough to make Jinyoung lose his mind entirely. He saw the watch box next to him and it tipped him over the edge, Jinyoung used his hands to dig up the mud around him and bury it in the ground, never wanting to look at it ever again.

The next thing Jinyoung knew, he was being shaken awake by a woman he’d never seen before. She kept calling him by his name but he didn’t know how she knew that. He looked around himself and he had no idea where he was. He just had a soft song playing in his ears, a deep voice singing about losing himself, and Jinyoung liked that voice. He wanted to listen to that song live someday. The woman kept trying to pull him out of his world but he didn’t know her. He realised he didn’t know where his own home was, who his parents were, he just knew his name and a ghost of a name that he couldn’t bring himself to say it.

[bekahdoesnerdshit]

Playlist: Charlotte Olivia Grace

Alternate Title: Dealing with Religious Trauma But Like in a Cute, Fun Way

Featuring: A director’s cut style breakdown of each song choice, and a bonus Campaign Song not found on the original playlist!

Not Gonna Take Me by BAILEN

You took my mother You took my father Oh, but you're not gonna take me!

This is SUCH a fun song and I feel like it sets the tone for the playlist so well! And, truth be told, it was the first song that I knew was going to make the final cut. The energy of the song is so lively and fun, and the chorus -especially the bit I quoted above!- is really just a Cog slam dunk. The toxic, insular culture that her parents had gotten wrapped up in is not going to take her too, and Cog is going to run as far and as fast as she can to make sure it never catches up with her. 

Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel

Well your mother told you all that I could give you was a reputation Aw she never cared for me But did she ever say a prayer for me?

HEY this is the Ace and Cog song. Thanks for the banger, Billy Joel. Like bro the whole song is about this guy rolling up and talking about whisking this girl who’s grown up wrapped up in religion away from it to a life that -not to brag- kicks serious ass. There’s more for you out in the world! It’s not a scary place, it’s exciting and full of life and people who are going to love you! Come on! Every time I listen to this song on Cog’s playlist, I picture Ace singing and doing a dumb little dance and voices along with it just to make Cog laugh because they’re SO cute. Also, coincidentally, Cog’s mom fucking Hated Ace. Presumably because he “stole and defiled” (her words!) her daughter. You hate to see it 😔 Also, every time I hear the line “I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints” I picture Cog sitting around a fire with Ace and her party members absolutely breathless from laughing which is an incredibly healing mental image that I highly recommend. 

Haven by We Banjo 3

Let me be your haven Let me be your light Sail with me across the ocean deep And find a place for love and joy

One of my dnd characters? Wanting to be a source of light and peace for the people around them, wanting to come up alongside them and bear their burdens with them? It’s SO likely, and it’s true. I think in my head this was originally another Cog and Ace song, where she wanted to repay all the ways he’d helped her by reaching out and trying to offer him a sense of peace in the midsts of everything he has to deal with, but the longer she’s spent with her party the more I think it’s come to apply to them as well. Yes, sometimes you have to fight. Sometimes, you have to make hard, painful decisions. But there’s light and love and joy to be found in the world! And if you can’t find them, it’s worth it to be the source of those things for the people around you! I think Cog would love nothing more than to take all of her friends troubles away from them to just give them a chance to breathe, and this song speaks to that so genuinely.

Hover by Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

The roof peels away And she's left uncovered Then feet leave the ground And she hovers, she hovers, hovers, hovers...

A song about discovering our self-worth, perhaps? About realizing you’re more powerful than the people around you want you to think you are, and then taking a deep breath and deciding to use that power for yourself? That’s self care, baby! This is very much the “I’m looking around, I’m realizing Home isn’t home for me anymore because it isn’t safe, and I’m starting to think that maybe it’s time for me to go” song. You know, that hyper-specific song that every playlist has. Also, it’s just such a pretty song! And right in my range, which doesn’t hurt its odds of making it onto a playlist. 

Cloud’s Song by Brent Walsh

Hey, God, are You listening? Sometimes it feels like I'm not hearing anything back Why does that scare me so much? Hey, God, are You listening?

Y’all ever uh. Y’all ever grow up deeply rooted in your family’s church of choice, only to have a crisis of faith later in life when you’re old enough to think for yourself because you don’t feel the connection to your god that everyone is telling you that you should? No? Just me and Cog? Okay! Cog doesn’t believe in the Old Gods. Mystra is dead, same as all the other gods, killed by whatever force caused the apocalypse and turned the Wasteland into what it is today. Anyone who says otherwise is looking for a way to manipulate people. ...but it’s one thing to say that and convince yourself that it’s true, and another entirely to unravel 18+ years of being told otherwise and come to terms with what a world truly without gods means for you and the people around you. And what if the gods are real, what if Mystra is alive, and she just didn’t care for Cog? If Cog is just fine not hearing from her either way, what should it matter if she’s real or not? Except it does matter, somehow, and Cog doesn’t know what to do with that. Oof.

The Gardener by Sarah Sparks

God the gardener when the autumn comes I will not seasons fear With the pruning a branch is stronger, I will learn to love the shears

This song is about coming out on the far side of a situation she never should have had to be in, but realizing that she’s stronger because of it. Is it still unfair that she had to grow up in such an unhealthy environment, burdened by expectations she was never going to be able to live up to? No, of course not. There’s no outcome that makes it worth it for her to have suffered through that. But because she survived it, she is infinitely more compassionate, more patient, and more intentional than she likely would have been otherwise. It’s not easy to come to terms with trauma like that, and I definitely don’t think Cog is as close to finding closure as she would like people to think she is. But she’s getting there, and I think this sort of perspective has done a lot to help her on that path.

Shake it Out by Doll Skin

'Cause I am done with my graceless heart So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart 'Cause I like to keep my issues strong It's always darkest before the dawn

So technically this is a cover, but honestly I love the energy on it so much more than the original. It’s about moving on from a past that’s clinging onto you and weighing you down by shaking off that guilt and turning to face a new day. Also, it’s just a fucking banger. It’s unapologetic about shrugging off weight you’re not obligated to carry, and while I don’t think Cog is quite to that point in her journey yet, I hope that by the end of the campaign she will be. Right now she still has a lot of guilt for the way she left her home, even though she knew she needed to go for her own good, but this song is for a Cog who -a few years down the line- has made peace with her decisions and understands that she deserves the same kindness from herself that she gives to everyone else.

Echo by Talisk

This song is an instrumental, but it goes So hard and is so representative of the arc I see for Cog in this game that it honestly makes me emotional every time I hear it. The beginning is quiet and a little slower, then about 30 seconds in the violin comes in and starts ramping things up as Cog begins to look around and realize the life she has been living isn’t the one she wants to continue. At around 1:30 the melody gets more complex and other instruments layer in as she sets out into the world and starts meeting the people she now considers her closest friends, and it continues to build and build and build with this anxious but excited energy of fingers flying across strings, barely keeping up with themselves with how eager they are to get the music to the world. The final variation on the melody from about 4:19 to the end of the song makes me picture Cog just spinning, arms wide, eyes closed with the sun on her face and the world’s biggest smile, and it just fills my heart with so much joy! 

Gold by Rabbit Wilde

All my friends are calling me Wild, like the wind I'm drifting from all I've known And packing up and trying all my best At staying gold

This song is so cute and fun, and high energy in the Exact way I was looking to cultivate for this playlist. This song is about the way Cog has grown and become more self-assured since leaving home and joining her party! Going from being tired and silenced, to having a fire burning from within her! She’s making new friends, she’s wandering and exploring the world, and she’s taking control of her life in a way that’s left her overall a happier and healthier person. And again, at risk of sounding repetitive, it’s just a bop. And bops always make it onto this playlist! 

Hieroglyphics by The Oh Hellos

'Cause you've been too busy thinking ahead Of where we're all going after we're dead To maybe consider our bodies are worth More than the dust that we can return

I am literally Obsessed with this song as a Cog song (and also, as a result of my playlist building, with The Oh Hellos in general). The whole energy of the song is looking at people who view religion as this old, tradition heavy thing its followers are obligated to bear forward and just asking... why? The lyrics I highlighted above are the ones that really sold this song as a Cog song for me, but there’s another line in the second verse with absolutely beautiful imagery about nebulas being beautiful, sacred bodies of dust that goes on to pose the questions; why can’t the same be said for humanity? Is being human completely divorced from being divine? Is there not inherent divinity in being a living, breathing creature with independent thought? For Cog, this is what faith should be. It should be about reveling in being alive and in the beauty of the world you get to live in. If there are gods, she can’t imagine them wanting anything different for the beings they created.

Bonus Track!  Tough Kids by Coyote Kid

I don't trust anyone more than I trust me and mine It's a dog eat dog world, but this pack runs till the end of the line

Campaign Song! Party song!! It’s just a banger!! If this campaign had a theme song, this would be it! I can fully picture the animated opening that would play before the start of the game, and it SLAPS. The first thirty seconds is this western style instrumental with the camera racing across the barren wasteland, with the first swell of the trumpet triggering the camera to pan up toward the sun setting on the horizon as the title card fades in. From there the camera takes off again and loops to each party member spread out across the Wasteland before they’re brought together. It swoops over the caravan Sunny and Wol are escorting, and they shield their eyes against the sun to look up at it as it passes. We see Nilos silhouetted against the outline of Scorch, steeling himself to enter the Bandit town with little more than the ratty suit on his back and the gun hefted over his shoulder. We see Maelo wandering out of his ramshackle house with his pack full and on his back, sparing one sad look at a swath of hazy green trees in the distance behind him before putting his back to it and setting out for the Crossroads. We see Cog! Bored to tears in a New Alexandrian classroom until she catches a glimpse of Ace beckoning to her from the doorway, and she grins and waits until her professor’s back is turned before grabbing her books and darting out of the room. We see Adiane in a dark alley somewhere, minding her business until she hears something that piques her interest! She looks up, rolls her shoulders, and we catch the flash of a dagger in one hand before she disappears into the night. And finally we see Clay, sitting against the back wall of what’s clearly a prison cell with his head resting on his knees, and we hear the rattle of a metal door being opened and Clay looks up as light from outside his cell falls on his face for the first time in god knows how long.  And then the chorus! We cut between various notable fights the party has been in to showcase their thematic skills! Sunny gives a mocking salute before hauling back to punch some bad guy in the face! Wol ducks an attack completely accidentally as he flips frantically through an enormous book, and when he looks up to cast his spell his eyes are a void dotted with silver stars. Nilos blasts some poor bastard point blank with a shotgun shot, then whirls around to slam the butt of the gun against someone else’s head! Cog’s casting gloves glow white hot as she flings a hand toward the sky to call for aid, and her robes whip around her as she sends a shockwave of magic out with herself at the epicenter! Maelo looks up, pulls a very obvious ‘oh shit!’ face, then taps the end of his staff against the ground and causes impossibly dense vegetation to grow instantaneously and send the people charging toward him toppling to the ground. Adiane whirls out from behind him as he finishes casting, tucks and rolls into a crouched shooting stance, then fires off three precise shots that drop three different targets. And Clay catches an attack on his shield, laughs and shouts something we can’t hear over the swell of the music, then summons his pact weapon mid-swing to catch his attacker unawares and send them toppling to the ground. And the second verse? OH boy. The cadence of the line “it’s a dog eat dog world” lends itself so naturally to having the antagonist of each arc surge up onto the screen one after the other, with a grinning Valentine bringing up the rear with his arms spread wide. And then! The bridge? We cut between the party’s npc friends living their lives and kicking ass. Ace and Sunny’s dads! Nathan and Sierra! King Alistair! Wol’s family! Penny and I’den! Also!! Not only can you physically not lose your shit listening to the repeated “we’re gonna make it or die trying” it’s also PRIME real estate for a flash montage of important moments of the campaign. Bombing the first bunker with a Meteor Storm scroll! Sunny putting her fist through the shadow demon in Lafaroh! Cog tackling Nilos to Dimension Door them into open air eight hundred feet off the ground! Watching the Bandits shoot down the Emperion airship over the Crossroads! Staring down the elf queen in her own courtroom and telling her she’s wrong! Finding the Godkiller! Sauntering into Scorch to clean up in the Murderbowl! God we do so much cool shit in this game!!  The final rendition of the chorus just shows the party working together as a team, having each other’s backs and covering weak spots without a second thought because they know how to work well together. The song fades out on an overhead shot of the party sprawled out around their campsite at the end of a long, exhausting day, eating and talking and laughing and just generally, blatantly, comfortable with one another. The camera swings up one final time to show the beautiful night sky overhead, with swaths of stars that wink out slowly one by one as the song comes to an end. 

[jcmorrigan]

Just popping by and asking because I'm curious about your self ship with Giovanni. How did you both meet? :3

Ooh, I love this story! Though I had it only bare-bones before...this ask inspired me to sit on it and think through more of the details! So now I have a little more of that.

First of all, it doesn’t exactly follow the storyline of this song, but I just discovered it last night and I was STRUCK by how fitting it was for this whole ship, so give it a listen while reading this. Also, this got LONGER THAN I EXPECTED I’M SO SORRY

So. Here’s me: Rachel Scribere. Absolute mundie. Wants to be Inscribed, but that’s just not my life. Also wants to move up in the publishing industry, since she loves writing (mostly fanfiction, but let’s not tell the world that). And good news! A suburb outside Sweet Jazz City is hiring for a small local paper! Better than nothing, right? So I move from my small town into the heart of the city, scraping up for a cheap apartment so I can get started at work.

And it’s Hell.

My boss? Racist, homophobic, Lexist, and thinks I’m annoying. This job is slowly killing me, but I think it’s my only shot. If I lose it, I lose the apartment, I have to move back in with my parents, I have to let everyone down. Not to mention I haven’t made any friends yet in this city...surely my co-workers can’t be as bad as I think, right? They’ll be my pals eventually, right?

In the throes of depression, feeling absolutely no worth, I’m left to watch the office one day while the others are out. At a “business lunch” without me. Because I’m not in their inner circle yet, and probably will never be. I’m just trying to do some menial task they haven’t trained me how to do properly, nearly crying because it’s just not working and I know they’re gonna come back and be mad with how little I got done.

When the wall blows open.

“THERE’S NOWHERE LEFT TO RUN, [SUBURB] HERITAGE MUSEUM! FOR YOU HAVE BECOME THE NEXT TARGET OF THE BANZAI BLASTERS, AND THEIR PEERLESS LEADER, GIOVANNI POTAGE!”

When the dust clears, we’re trying to work out what, exactly, just happened.

He tried to rob a heritage museum in this suburb...and showed up at the wrong fucking building.

So he’s just all “Oh. So that’s why I’m the only one who showed up. Caaaan we just forget this ever happened? OKAYTHANKSBYE” and peaces out.

Well, I’m just about done, because our office got blown up and I still haven’t done my job and this is gonna be on my head and I just kinda fall on the floor and start crying. (Look, I know this isn’t the most headstrong start, but it’s my fantasy and I wanna be rescued from despair!)

When Giovanni WALKS RIGHT BACK IN to ASK ME FOR DIRECTIONS TO THE ACTUAL MUSEUM -

And witnesses me having a breakdown. “Hey...you, uh...you okay there?”

Well, now I’m mad at him for fucking up my life, because I am SO fired, so I get up and start sobbing and screaming at him how this is gonna be seen as my fault, and how this was already so horrible and it’s just so much worse now, but I launch into how little I was valued and Giovanni interrupts to express disbelief that my bosses didn’t take the time to help me catch up and feel welcome. After all, aren’t bosses supposed to treat their minions with love and respect?

Well, that’s when said bosses come back to the office. And they let me HAVE it.

Giovanni is miffed for two reasons. One, that they’re ragging on their precious minion (me) when that’s not something anyone should ever do, not ever! Two, that by going all “SCRIBERE. WHAT...DID...YOU...DO?”, they are totally stripping him of the cred of having made that bombastic entrance. He’s supposed to be the villain here, okay? Know his name! Fear it!

A great big argument ensues, with Giovanni defending this poor “newspaper minion” he just met and me not knowing what to say and my bosses trying to chase this crazy supervillain wannabe out of their office. And as Giovanni starts rattling off how much I deserve better and I’d be better off just quitting and being a villain...I get the impulsive idea. Hey, why not? At least I might feel alive.

So I stand up and make the decision for myself. I’m quitting. Effective now. And becoming an actual villain because I’m tired of adulting. SEE YA!

And I walk out.

Only to realize, a couple blocks away, that I have just thrown out my only financial lifeline.

Cue breakdown #2.

Now, Giovanni, he hasn’t gone love-at-first-sight for me or anything. But he does know a sad minion when he sees one, and he sort of has it in his head this is kiiiiiinda his fault, so he tails me to make sure I’m okay (which I’m not). And, I mean, a professional villain isn’t who I expected to be venting to, but he’s all I’ve got, so when he says he’ll listen, I just let it all out.

Giovanni has a great idea: I could join the Banzai Blasters with him! To which I utterly refuse. I mean, everyone knows it’s a pyramid scheme at this point, right? No one would join without being fully aware of that. (Gio: ”Heheh...yeah...I mean, I definitely knew that when I signed on, but that just means they’re legit bad guys...”)

But then he gets a BETTER idea! What if I’m an independent contractor villain? I keep the spoils of my own heists! He even thinks he remembers the name of some appraiser in the Blaster handbook that could help me get a foothold in the black market! I just need to steal some stuff to get startup capital, and hey, no one said I couldn’t tag along with the Blaster squad and take some of the spoils, like the awesome cursed swords we’re gonna find at the museum! (Me: “...What do you think the heritage museum is actually for?”) After all, the Blasters’ success is more based on clout and rank than the actual things they walk away with. No one will notice if one or two nice things goes missing! Not to mention, if I’m not an official Blaster, I get to pick my OWN uniform!

I’m desperate. And you know what? This...sounds like fun. What if I just said “fuck it”? So I agree. (And mentally plan out a potential blue-and-black aesthetic for my villain career.)

I also agree to give Giovanni a ride over there, since he is seriously NOWHERE NEAR THE MUSEUM.

En route, since it’s my car, he gets to hear one of my car mixes (IRL I make killer car mixes that make riding in my car like playing Russian Roulette - you could get rock, you could get emo, you could get trashy pop, you could get video game music, or you could just get a meme). And so he learns about my music taste. He also starts grilling me on my life - what do I do for fun? Well, I...write. They’re not really publishable stories, but...

Giovanni: “It’s fanfiction, isn’t it?” Me: “GOD DAMMIT”

He also asks my name. Which he hates, because he graduated with seven Rachels, and I can’t blame him, because I graduated with four others.

We finally get to the museum and the rest of the squad has been waiting for like an hour. They know he got lost but aren’t about to bring it up. Giovanni announces that he’s bringing a friend today and I get to help out.

Now, it’s worth noting at this point that I noticed he was QUITE A HANDSOME FELLA from the moment he walked into the room through the hole he blew in the wall, and his quirks are exactly My Type. So I’m already starting to crush on him. But I am well aware that should NOT be ANY sort of priority right now. As for me? He just sees me as a new villain buddy! (He develops feelings for me later, at which point he’s horrified because “I WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE A FAVORITE MINION!”.)

The other Blasters are just like “Okay, cool” because it’s really not strange at this point for Giovanni to pick up a stray (”How do you think we got Flamethrower?”). Ben is excited because now he’s not the only one who doesn’t have a cool minion name, but now Giovanni wants to give me one to spite Ben. “Hmm...let’s see...you’re a writer, so...Storyteller? Chronicler? No...oh, wait! You also like all that weird music! What about COMPOSER? See, it’s a double meaning, because it’s a music thing, but also, you COMPOSE stories...you...you get it? It’s wordplay.”

Composer. I like it. In return, even though Giovanni’s technically not my boss, I agree to call him Boss. (”And really, I may not be your boss legally, but I want you to think of me as a boss in your heart.”)

And we have FUN clearing out the museum. It’s a Sunday, so it’s closed and no one’s actually there, so we just have the run of the place. I get to take back a couple artifacts that Sweet Jazz history buffs on the black market will love.

At the end of the day, Giovanni is all excited for this new partnership, and he’s talking up how he’s going to meet up with me tomorrow to get my stuff appraised - can he have my number? Just to keep in touch? - and I have to discreetly drop him back off at the newspaper office so he can collect his Vespa and drive home. (Look. I know he does not, in canon, drive a Vespa. But he gives me the exact energy of someone who drives a Vespa, so in this ‘verse, he has one. Just rollin’ down the road like he’s on a motorcycle when it’s a fuckin’ scooter that just goes very fast)

Before I drop him off, though, he asks me if they’re gonna kick me out of my place due to me not having a paycheck that day. See, he doesn’t exactly understand how rent works. I assure him I have a due date. He tells me that I can totally crash at his and his mom’s place if I want; he’ll bug his mom into making up the guest room. Apparently she’ll be happy that he’s made more actual friends.

I joke that she would probably be fazed that he brought a girl home. He says that’s never been a concern. “Oh. Not into girls?” “No, I am. And guys. And a couple who weren’t either. The thing is, if my mom was gonna ban everyone I COULD end up being attracted to, she’d have to ban...EVERYONE. And then I wouldn’t be allowed to have ANY friends over.”

I drop him off, go back home...and hit breakdown #3.

What was I fucking thinking? I can’t be a supervillain. Especially not an independent contractor. I’m on the wrong side of the law for a living. This isn’t going to turn a profit...and that’s not even taking into account the trouble I’ll get in with the heat. I’m having anxiety, shakes, nausea, the whole works. Starting to think this isn’t worth it. Maybe starting to feel a little suicidal.

Crawl into bed. Barely sleep. Drag myself out of bed the next day to rendez-vous with Giovanni.

Just seeing him makes me feel...slightly better. He and I head off to a hidden locale to briefly confer with Ramsey Murdoch over my finds. (”Just don’t look him directly in the gross rat face.”)

Ramsey informs me I actually have some valuable stuff on my hands, recommends some buyers, makes an offhand joke about us being a “cute couple” that goes right over Giovanni’s head.

This doesn’t do much to reassure me. I still feel empty. Hollow. Afraid. But Giovanni, he SENSES this on the drive home. He can also tell I put in one of my most upbeat dance mixes to cover the sadness. So he pesters me until I tell him how I really feel...

And he refuses to leave me alone all day because a good boss doesn’t leave a minion who’s feeling that down on herself.

We end up back at his place. Start out by watching movies. I have to put up with him and his mom yelling at each other, but Ms. P. switches on a dime around me - “So glad you’re here, Sweetie. Giovanni could use more good friends like you. Good influences who will tell him NOT TO PUT HIS FEET ON THE LIVING ROOM TABLE GOD DAMMIT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO GO OVER THIS WITH YOU GIOVANNI anyway, Rachel, can I get you anything? A drink? Some popcorn? Since MY RUDE SON DIDN’T ASK WHAT HIS GUEST WANTED WHEN SHE CAME OVER but you name it and I’ll get it for you.”

I’m still depressed. I cuddle up in a blanket. It’s hand-knitted. I mention that it’s super comfy. Giovanni takes it as a compliment, revealing that he made it himself. This leads to him parading a bunch of things he’s knitted in front of me - scarves, hats, etc. And I love every one of them. Oh, no, I am falling for this man and am also still depressed.

We end the day by plotting out my new villain attire. He’s good at sketching out patterns for clothes, so I give him an aesthetic to go for - blue, corset lacing, asymmetrical skirt, off-the-shoulder, is this too Disney villain?, you know what I don’t care, hey, that looks great! (Eventually he actually helps me put that monstrosity together)

He sticks around. I gradually become more confident in my element, making sales, stealing more things, getting comfortable with THE VILLAIN LIFE, actually turning up a profit because Ramsey knows where the market is and is glad to show me, and hanging out with the Blasters on a regular basis in an abandoned library we’ve taken over as our lair (Giovanni says the word “Lair-brary” once and immediately regrets it and asks us all to forget he ever combined those syllables).

And I’m happy. Finally.

Then one day, in the library lair that is not a Lair-brary, there’s some shenanigan and a bookshelf almost falls on me and crushes me and Giovanni tackles me out of the way because THAT’S WHAT ANY DECENT VILLAIN BOSS WOULD DO FOR HIS PRECIOUS MINIONS and oh. Oh my God. If I didn’t have a crush on this man before, I LOVE him now. Oh, no. Oh, no... ;-)

That’s pretty much the origin story. I’m still kind of nursing the idea of doing an AU version of this in TBTC, and I would probably still wanna use “busts into WRONG PLACE, sees Rachel being mistreated, takes her to rob a place to feel better,” and I hope it’s not tacky to copy the same device. But yeah, I hope that wasn’t the 15 minutes of your life you’ll never get back

[z3norear]

COMMUNION IN THE HAND Mother Teresa Speaks: The Worst Problem In The World Today Mother Teresa of Calcutta Comments by Fr. George William Rutler during a Good Friday, 1989 sermon at St. Agnes Church, New York City, New York:  “I will tell you a secret, since we have just a thousand close friends together, and also because we have the Missionaries of Charity with us, whom the Holy Spirit has sent into the world [so] that the secrets of many hearts might be revealed.   Not very long ago, I said Mass and preached for their Mother, Mother Teresa of Calcutta, and after breakfast we spent quite a long time talking in a little room.  Suddenly, I found myself asking her (I don’t know why):   ‘Mother, what do you think is the worst problem in the world today?’ ”  “She, more than anyone, could name any number of candidates:  famine, plague, disease, the breakdown of the family, rebellion against God, the corruption of the media, world debt, nuclear threat, and so on.  Without pausing a second, she said:  ‘Wherever I go in the whole world, the thing that makes me the saddest is watching people receive Communion in the hand.’ ” Messages to Rosa Lopez from Our Lord Jesus Christ and Our Loving Mother about Communion in the Hand 1995-2000   January 19, 1995.  Our Loving Mother said:  “I state clearly:  Do not take Communion in sin, Confess first.  Do not take My Beloved’s Body in your hands." May 22, 1995.  Our Lord said:  “My dear child, My little one, I am your Heavenly Father...When I instituted the Supper, I gave My disciples the Sacred Host.  At that moment, I founded the Church with My Body and My Blood.  I was the First Priest, the First Bishop, the First Pope.  I gave My Body, which was given up for you, into their hands.  Take note:  I gave It to them in their hands, and they, in turn, passed It among all.  I ask you, who gave the Divine Host?  My disciples?  No, I, First in Everything.  They were My first servants [priests], servants of God Made Man, Supreme in All, for ever and ever.  Who should administer [Communion] in the Church I formed with My Body and My Blood?  The priests, and if the parishioners are many, another priest or nun should administer the Sacred Host.  That is why I send you My Mother, Mother of the Church and man, to unite My servants and My brothers in the New Covenant, so that in one, true Communion in the Holy Spirit, you repent of offending God with negative attitudes towards My Body....Those who spread My Word will be greatly blessed.  Amen.” June 25, 1995.  Our Loving Mother said:  “Condemned are those who receive the Bread of the Eucharist as if they took a piece of bread in a restaurant or in their homes or at any breakfast.  Those who take the Body of My Well Beloved without any respect are imitating the malignant one, as they offend the Body of Jesus in this way...All who do not bow with respect before the King of Kings, the Savior and Giver of Life, the Lamb of God, the Divine Teacher, the Son of God Made Man, Who was Immolated for all of you, are hypocrites, deniers of the Truth that encloses that Divine Gift...the sacred Host.  No, My little ones, you do not realize what an extreme sin it is that you are committing.  Every time you take into your hands the Body of Jesus, you are Scourging My Beloved  Son, Jesus once again.  Why do you do it, My little ones?  Why do you do it?  My Beloved calls you in the Eucharist to a total conversion, but do it with love, reverence and humility, with true respect for the One Who loves you and exhorts you to receive Communion with devotion and joy.” July 1995 (No date).  Our Lord said:  “Write from Malachi, who was one of the minor prophets, the last one of those who fought against the profanation of the priests of those times...:  Chapter 2, Verses 1-2:  ‘And now, O priests, this commandment is for you:  If you do not listen,  And if you do not lay it to heart, to give glory to my name, says the Lord of hosts;  I will send a curse upon you and of your blessing I will make a curse.  Yes, I have already cursed it because you do not lay it to heart.’  Chapter 1, Verses 6-7:  ‘A son honors his father, and a servant fears his master;  If then I am a father, where is the honor due to me?  And if I am a master, where is the reverence due to me?  So says the Lord of hosts to you, O priests, who despise his name.  But you ask, “How have we despised your name?”  By offering polluted food on my altar!’  This, My little one, is prayer that fits these times, and do you know why?  Because today, when the priest make the offering on the altar of the Lord, at that moment, the Body of the Well Beloved is present in the Most Holy Sacrament of the Altar.  But what happens when that priest offers It to My little ones?  All the Dignity and Sacrifice of the Son of God is profaned and offended at the altar at the same moment that His Beloved Body is given in the hands of the parishioners.  At the same time, with their hands dirty from the sins of the world, dirty from the dust of the streets and sweat, It is touched and It is vituperated by those who should, at all moments, Honor and Glorify the Lord, the Lamb of God, Who takes Away the Sins of the World...” February 4, 1996.  Our Loving Mother said:  “My child, do not be afraid to drill the Word of Jesus into the hearts of My children, the little ones who believe that by taking the Sacred Eucharist in their hands irreverently, they are not committing any sin.  I, your Loving Mother, ask those little ones, ‘Don’t you know that for a priest to begin to consecrate the Sacred Host, he must purify his body and soul for seven years and allow the Holy Spirit, with His Consuming Fire, to fill his heart with love of Jesus and to fill it with His Light, so that same Light may illuminate all those who Confess and receive Communion in perfect harmony with God?  Before the Well Beloved, My dear child, all knees will bend and all heads will bow...The Love of Jesus, dearest child, is Infinite, but His Pain is also Infinite when He sees that man has lost all respect and reverence before His Body and Blood.  Do not profane, My little ones, that Act of Love, which is the Supper of Jesus.  Do not continue to Crucify Him with indifference and lack of respect.  Remember that if you open your mouths and bend your knees before the Well Beloved, Who Gave It All for love of the world, the priest will not be able to refuse to carry out that act of holiness at that moment.  My little one, help the priests to return to this act of reverence and respect, which is receiving Jesus in Communion.” October 6, 1996.  Our Loving Mother said:  “Man believes that it is a sin to bend his knees before the Body of Jesus, Who is Present in the Sacred Eucharist during Communion and Who should be Revered, because of the Presence of His Body and Blood.  The shepherds who lead the sheep do not believe in that reverence.  [They say that] it’s ‘old-fashioned.’  They say, ‘That time is past.’  They say that it was only done during the time of Jesus and that the pope authorized the taking of Communion in the hand without reverence, without respect...That is what the servants of Jesus and Mary, your Loving Mother, say.” October 25, 1996.  Our Lord said:  “The Pharisees of these times invent their own doctrines and dogmas.  They are Roman and Apostolic, they go to church, they sanctify themselves, receive Communion without Confessing, elevate Hosts with unconsecrated hands and place My Body in [people’s] hands.  After the Wine has been elevated, they don’t kneel; they say it is no longer done...They say It [the Blessed Sacrament] is just a symbol because Christ is alive and that if they place Him on the altar, they offend other Christians.” May 14, 1997.  Our Lord said:  “In Exodus, Moses came down from the mountain to prepare his people to honor God.  He told them to prepare themselves for the next day and not to have any sexual relations.  You see, My little one, how those men had to be clean of body and clothing to give Honor to God and how today, the servants that God left to teach His Word and to fulfill the Law allow women and men who do not have consecrated hands to give the Body and Blood of that Man, Who is God Made Flesh?  They have changed the Law.  That is why the Fury of the Lord will be felt in the form of thunder, lightning, fire and mud, swallowing anything that gets in His Way.” June 9, 1997.  Our Lord said:  “My little one, what is happening in the Church and with the servants I left behind [the priests]?  They have allowed sects of other denominations to enter the Church...They give the Host in the hand, because it is ‘unsanitary’ to give It in the mouth...To them [those of other denominations], Communion is an act of idolatry, because they do not believe that the Body of Jesus and His Blood are there, in that little piece of bread.” July 3, 1997.  Our Loving Mother said:  “Don’t you remember, My little one, that the Catholic Charismatic Renewal Movement is the definition of an order that goes beyond the understanding of the believers who believe and who lend themselves to it, without realizing that they are being used for the internal destruction of the Church?...Respect for the Church is no longer fashionable...all those things, such as bending your knees and taking Communion in the mouth, are things of the past and...it is ‘unsanitary’ to take Communion in the mouth.  All of this, My little one, is a diabolical plan that has been planned since 1962. [This plan] has infiltrated the True Church so that the evangelical church may be put in its place, because according to this powerful network, it is the original one.” August 19, 1997.  Our Loving Mother said:  “Receive Communion in the mouth, not in the hand.  Pray that in the Church, where the Well Beloved is Present in the Eucharist, that sacred, spiritual music be played so that nothing ‘entertains’ you while you are in His Presence.” August 2, 1998.  Our Lord said:  “My child, you ask about the difference between priests and deacons.  I want you to know that there is a big difference.  Only priests’ hands are consecrated to say Mass and to give the Eucharist to parishioners.  Secular persons cannot consecrate, not even deacons.  Today, there is no difference, because they [mankind] have usurped the place that only belongs to priests.  My daughter, if women have never been ordained as priests, why is it that today, women are going up to the altar of the Lord to distribute Communion to the parishioners as if it were the norm?  Everything has changed, little one, in this world of disobedient men who do not have the time the check Sacred Scriptures to find the Truths contained there.  My daughter, is the difference between a woman priest and a man priest only the cassock?  No, there are many more differences.  Jesus did not allow women to become priests, because from the beginning, women could only be witnesses from the rear of the temples, never protagonists at the altar.  Remember that the Virgin Mary, your Loving Mother, even though She was Pure and forever a Virgin, complied with the Law of Moses and waited the required time for purification before presenting the Infant Jesus in the temple and until then, and not before, did He go up to the altar.  Women are impure by nature.  Women have something that differentiates them from men, that is, menstruation.  If Jesus had wanted to have women priests, He would have allowed His Loving Mother [to become one].  Is there anyone more pure than She?  It is written that Jesus said, ‘I am Holy.  Those who serve at the altar have to be holy.’  Why do priests have to be celibate?  Yes, the servants of the Lord have to be celibate.  Then why do women and those who help the priests, some married, some single – those who, by nature, have intercourse – why do they, whose hands are not consecrated and are not celibate, give Communion?  Don’t you think it would be good to ask?  From the beginning, the ones who kept the Tabernacle and the Sacraments had to be pure and clean and the deacons, or the ones who had to deal with the things of God, were eunuchs or became eunuchs to make sure they were celibate.” February 13, 1999.  Our Loving Mother said:  “I appear in many places and I have begged you:  Don’t take the Body of My Beloved in your sinful and profane hands.  Bend your knees before Him.” May 8, 1999.  Our Loving Mother said:  “Today, everything is changed.  We don’t kneel at Mass and we take the Eucharist in our hands because man said that it could be done this way.  Jesus tells us through the Virgin Mary that we Crucify Him each time we receive Communion in our hands.  When a priest says that taking the Eucharist in the mouth spreads germs, he is not inspired by the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit kills all the germs of the malignant one.  Jesus says, ‘My Power is with them [the priests].  They are consecrated to Me and have all power, even for exorcism.’ ” July 31, 1999.  Our Loving Mother said:  “The servants [priests] or pastors that My Well Beloved left to guide His flock offend Jesus when they give the Eucharist to Ministers [men and women] to be taken to the sick in their homes and in the hospitals [instead of by the priests].  He is also offended when the female Eucharistic Ministers keep Him [the Sacred Host] in their purses together with personal belongings like cigarettes, cosmetics and tampons and then they take the Paten and even the Holy Eucharist in their hands, which are not consecrated.  The men who give Communion also profane and offend Jesus at every moment.  The majority of them are married and they come directly from all their adventures in the streets and in their homes to give Communion.  The pastors are very calm about these procedures.  If parishioners try to say that they do not agree with the way the Church is acting, they earn the ill will of the pastors and are called fanatics...” August 7, 1999.  Our Lord said:  “Today, you can see how the priests refuse to give My Sacred Body in the mouths of My little children.  This is debated in all the churches.  They do not want to listen to anything.  Today, men plot schemes about the Sacred Eucharist in order to perform evil and satanic acts with the Sacred Body of Jesus, and almost all sacred places around the world are involved in this.  Any one of you can confirm what I am talking about.  You can go to many temples where they refuse to give the Sacred Host in your mouths but instead, give It in your hands.” August 8, 1999.  God the Father said:  “...Archbishop Annibale Bugnini, known by the masonic name of BUAN, ordered the Eucharist in the hand, which is a profanation of the Body and Blood of Jesus.  He was sent to Iran when it was discovered that he belonged to masonry.  Today, the rest of the masons remain in the Sacred Temple of God, all of them dressed in purple, designing the ‘New Age’ in the Church, the new reforms and the Charismatic movement.” August 12, 1999.  Our Lord said:  “Dear daughter...today they [the priests] confuse mankind when they come to the temples and say that this [the Sacred Host]...is a symbol and that everyone who comes to the temples can touch It, because everyone’s hands are holy.  Hypocrites, I say to you, because Jesus is the Bread of Life.” August 28, 1999.  Our Lord said:  “Why is it that today, the men who serve at the sanctuary where I Am Present all the time, contaminate themselves by having sex and by committing all kinds of worldly sins? I tell you that I am speaking of the married deacons who serve the world and then come from that world contaminated by all its sins as they serve at My altar.  Is it because the Word of God can be changed by man?  Is it that God lied or made a mistake when He gave His prophets instructions [the Sacred Scriptures] so you could walk with those Words?  Is it that Jesus made a mistake when He established His apostles of the New Testament and gave them the power to bind or loosen through the Holy Spirit so they could bind or loosen on earth and in heaven?  Did Jesus make a mistake, or are you the ones who are confused when you misinterpret what is written?  It is you, My little creatures, who are confused, throughout all of time.  You ask:  Why didn’t Jesus establish Mary, the Virgin Mother, who was Saintly and Pure, to give Communion to the apostles?  This is the answer I give you; engrave it in your hearts:  The Blood of the Lamb cannot be mixed on the altar with the blood of women.  The Virgin Mary was Pure, but even She could not be chosen for this, because then She would be imitated by the women of coming generations, who are really not pure because they menstruate monthly in order to purify themselves.  Women need to have menstrual cycles to purify their bodies.  Everything has been changed by man and even the temples have been infiltrated by the malignant one.  This is why everyone believes they are gods.  The Divine hierarchy have disappeared from church altars and have been replaced by New Agers, who say that we are all similar to God, that we all have saintly hands and that we can all give out the Eucharist.” January 22, 2000. Our Lord said:  “My little one, I want say the following to My Church:   ...you must return My Body and Blood to the center of the altars, so that They are there all the time.  You must give It to the people after they Confess and you must give It to them in their mouths, not in their hands.  You must remember that My Body and My Blood are Present when you consecrate the bread and the wine.  Return all My sheep to the True Doctrine that I gave you in My Sacred Scriptures.” February 15, 2000. Our Lord said:  “Before consecrating the Sacred Eucharist, My priests wash their hands as a symbol of purification.  In Psalm 25, Verses 6-7, you will see the prayer that they mentally offer to God:  ‘I will wash my hands among the innocent; and will compass thy altar, O Lord:  That I may hear the voice of thy praise: and tell of all thy wondrous works.’  These are the first words of prayer said by the priest in the Mass when he washes his fingers before offering the bread and wine.  In the Bible, My little one, washing is synonymous with purification, cleansing, or elimination of dirt, because water signifies purity and innocence.  I want you to tell My small creatures to notice that when they go to Mass that they will not see any of the women who have taken the place of My priests [Eucharistic Ministers] wash their hands or much less, say the prayer of forgiveness, and neither do the deacons.  Then why do the priests that I left commit the sacrilege of allowing My Body and Blood to be offended on the altars?  They will respond that they do not have sufficient priests and must work alone; that they need help.  You should know that there are no priestly vocations because there is a deaconate and because there are deacons [to do the work of the priests].”