#retired pirate lesbians???? SIGN ME UP

[butch4milfs]

i need them Biblically. like you don’t get it. i Need Them.

[ninja-muse]

April was not a good reading month but wow, was it a writing month! I spent a lot of my home-based reading time working on my current WIP instead, so I’m trying not to have regrets about how much I didn’t read. I also didn’t truly manage to read anything off my physical TBR, but I’d wanted to reread The Goblin Emperor since I finished it the first time and so technically that’s off my TBR now?

My main bookish achievement this month, besides reading The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi, was pulling off another Indie Bookstore Day at work a couple days ago. I had help, my coworkers are awesome, I wasn’t organizing or running it alone or anything, but it’s still a lot of work to put together a party while handling the regular bookstore day-to-day, and then there’s set-up and twice the customers on the day and the tear-down which took all of yesterday…. I did unhaul a bunch of my unread ARCs for a book giveaway as part of this, which I’m very glad about. That’s really going to help my end-of-year stats, I think. (I also unhauled a few of my read ARCs that I was keeping for … some reason?)

And I accidentally bought two books. A Long Day in Lychford was a planned buy, but I got a gift card from my parents for Easter, which went impulsively towards The Gashlycrumb Tinies, and then yesterday I bought some bookish things for a little one and somehow the Pratchett bio found itself in my stack. No idea how that happened. 😅 No regrets, either.

May is going to be a lot like April, I think, or at least it hopefully will involve more writing than reading when I’m home. I’d like to ride the inspiration as far as it’ll take me, after all. It’s also going to be like April in that I’m waiting for the library to come through with a lot of my holds. I’m tag-teaming on a few of them, with physical and e-book reserves. I have no idea what I’ll read when I’m done the ones I’m working on now.

And now without further ado, in order of enjoyment…

The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi - Shannon Chakraborty

Amina, mother, retired pirate, signs up for one last job. She should have known better.

8/10

multiracial Muslim protagonist, Indian secondary character, Middle Eastern secondary characters, Muslim and Hindu secondary characters, 🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (gay, gender-questioning), Muslim author

The Secret Lives of Country Gentlemen - KJ Charles

Days after Gareth ruins his chances with a charming stranger, he finds himself elevated to an estate in the country—and threatened by smugglers a few towns over. Fortunately (or not), the head of the local smugglers is very familiar….

7/10

🏳️‍🌈 protagonists (gay), Black British protagonist and secondary character, African-American secondary character, 🏳️‍🌈 secondary character (not gendered)

warning: child abuse and neglect, mild sexual assault

Once Upon a Tome - Oliver Darkshire

A Millennial offers a behind-the-scenes look at rare bookselling.

7/10

🏳️‍🌈 author

Tasting History - Max Miller

A cookbook featuring historical recipes reworked for a modern kitchen.

7/10

🏳️‍🌈 author

Episode Thirteen - Craig DiLouie

A ghost hunting show is the first to investigate the most haunted house in America. It’ll be fine.

7/10

African-American secondary character, 🇨🇦

Eight Strings - Margaret DeRosia

Franco escapes his childhood home to apprentice as a puppeteer and reunites with an old friend, which might mean hope for the future—or his destruction.

7/10

🏳️‍🌈 protagonist (trans man), 🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (lesbian, sapphic), 🏳️‍🌈 author, 🇨🇦

A Sleight of Shadows - Kat Howard

Sydney sacrificed much to destroy the violent House of Shadows and rebalance the Unseen World of New York—but it looks like the House may not be entirely gone.

6.5/10

African-American secondary character, Latina secondary character

Picture Books

We Don’t Lose Our Class Goldfish - Ryan T. Higgins

Penelope Rex has to look after Walter the goldfish but he scares her.

Grandad’s Pride - Harry Woodgate

When Milly finds a rainbow flag in her grandad’s attic, she learns he hasn’t been to a Pride since before Gramps died—so she finds a way for him to have one.

🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (the whole spectrum), 🏳️‍🌈 author

Reread

The Goblin Emperor - Katherine Addison

Maia suddenly finds himself Emperor of the Elflands and must find a way to be true to himself while navigating thorny court politics.

🏳️‍🌈 secondary character (gay)

Currently reading:

Magisteria - Nicholas Spencer

A history of the interactions between science and religion. Out in May.

The Sinister Booksellers of Bath - Garth Nix

The booksellers of Bath must rescue Merlin after he’s trapped in a map—which might mean taking on an unknown Entity.

🏳️‍🌈 main character (genderqueer), Black British secondary character

Stats

Monthly total: 7+1 Yearly total: 44/140 Queer books: 4 Authors of colour: 0 Books by women: 4 Authors outside the binary: 0 Canadian authors: 2 Off the TBR shelves: .5 Books hauled: 3 ARCs acquired: 7 ARCs unhauled: 14 DNFs: 0

January February March

[chocolatepot]

Completed chaptered fic:

If You Don't Love Me Now: Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. Ed goes back to playing Blackbeard before he finally comes face-to-face with Stede again. (9k, 3 chapters, rated T)

Prisons Of Our Own Perceptions: A hurt/comfort epic. Instead of being saved by Ed from the Spanish, the Revenge was captured by a crueler captain, and the crew scattered. (60k, 18 chapters, rated M)

Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea: AU in which Stede makes it to the docks and Ed doesn't. (16k, 7 chapters, rated T)

Works in progress:

I Saw You And Sealed My Fate: Stede's become resigned to living a quiet life under his parents' thumbs when they introduce him to Benjamin Hornigold and slowly slide him into an engagement. Ed, meanwhile, chafes in his position in Hornigold's massive corporation and is in fact planning a way out. The two of them meet at the engagement dinner and immediately hit it off … (6.5k, 2/5 chapters, rated T)

Dirty Rotten Pirates: Ed is the most successful con artist of the twenty-first century. Stede is a nobody with a penny-ante grift. When they meet, everything changes. (3k, 1/? chapters, rated T)

Series:

Sweet Damsels: Genderbend fics with lesbian Blackbonnet, mostly not in continuity, ranging from sweet to smutty.

A Kiss on the Hand: A series of fics based on a prompt list of different types of hand kisses.

Twelvetide Drabbles 2022: Drabbles, drabble multiples, and ficlets written for a fest. Multiple ships and characters!

My one important meta: Stede's presentation and historical standards of masculinity in clothing

One-shots:

Canon compliant one-shots:

The To-Read Stack: Domestic fluff, post-reunion, Stede finds some books missed in the purge.

First Night Home: Stede returns to his ship.

Beside the One You Have Waited For: A missing moment when Ed and Stede are up in the maintop that first night.

What Dreams May Come: Stede has a steamy dream about two Eds on his way back to the Revenge. (Not explicit.)

Sugar Baby: How Lucius got hired by Stede, somewhat by accident.

More Nicer: A missing moment - Stede's conversation with Doug in the kitchen in ep 10.

Waitin' For My Dearie: An exploration of what it's like to be queer and autistic when you don't really realize that's what's going on with you. (Has a happy ending.)

Parched: After Stede leaves home in the middle of the night, Mary grows and changes.

I See A New Horizon: Stede and Ed escape the Academy, and begin to navigate the new changes to their relationship.

Interesting Accounts: Wellington's interrogation on the subject of Stede Bonnet.

An Officer and a Gentleman, or, All Kinds of Situations: Samuel Hornberry hopes that by writing some of his fantasies out, he can escape them.

Momentum: An angsty reunion, illustrated by @feriowind.

there'll be peace of mind: Reunion where Ed and the crew rescue Stede and nurse him back to health.

Proud of You: Ed realizes Stede has a praise kink, and he enjoys playing into it. (Rated E)

no sign of land: Ed/Izzy, the latter topping from the bottom.

Watching Over Olu: Olu is ill, and Jim watches over him.

Rescue Me: Stede is captured.

Take Me In Your Arms: (Sequel to the previous.) Stede's been rescued, and now Ed's in trouble.

Those Savage Beats: Things have gotten stale since Anne and Mary left the seas. Anne takes matters into her own hands. Or rather, teeth.

Fresh Towels: Ed and Stede have retired to run the inn of Ed's dreams. Ed is still nervous about customer service, and Stede does what he can to help.

Alternate universe one-shots:

Going Nautical: A Going Postal AU.

What Else Could I Do (Again): An AU where Stede did stop the Revenge's construction, but still goes to sea.

Making An Entrance: Role reversal AU about the famed Gentleman Pirate and newcomer Edward Teach.

A Perfectly Diabolical Angel: A Good Omens AU.

It Might Be All That You Get: A Ted Lasso AU.

Be Careful, It's My Heart: AU in which Stede gets back to the Revenge when Ed is still in his depression-robe era.

An Offer of Matrimony: A Regency AU where Ed is a rake and Stede is a wallflower, and they have a marriage of convenience.

In the Conjugal Sense: Sequel to the previous - the wedding night!

Drinking Out of the Same Bottle: A Prohibition-era speakeasy AU.

Fiftieth Ficlets (A Miscellany): Five ficlets, written to celebrate a milestone.

Bird of Paradise: A soulmate is a complicated thing. (Stede/Lucius and Stede/Ed.)

[luninosity]

2020 fic round-up - original / published fic!

Time for the original fic overview, from this year! There’s a LOT, but some of that was written (at least mostly) last year, and only published this year. So let’s see...

Original Fic (at least mostly written and published in 2020) (Character Bleed, E, 254,099 words. **Pretty much all of this was written in 2019, so I'm not really counting it as 'new words' - but all the editing - and the publication!!!! - happened in 2020!** THIS STORY, YOU GUYS. I love it and these characters so much. It's  the  most ambitious thing I've ever tried to write, that whole  story-within-a-story, being about actors filming a  Regency-era gay love  story, and falling in love themselves. I'm just looking at it all...and  I'm in awe...and the response to this, oh wow. I've been so amazed and  so grateful and so thrilled - the art, the trailer, the comments, the  people thinking about these characters and loving them along with me -  I'm so lucky to have all of you. *hugs everyone* And now you can buy it! As three volumes - Seaworthy, Stalwart, and Steadfast! Available via JMS Books, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and everywhere!) Character Bleed Bonus Scenes,  E, 84,125 words, which means 58,428 new words! Also there're at least three special bonus scenes that *aren't* on AO3, only included with the published books! (Conversely, there're at least two bonus scenes that will only ever be on AO3, for all of you reading there!) So that's probably an extra, oh, let's say around 5k words. Cinnamon and Strawberries (A Character Bleed Story), E, 12,169 words. My Jason & Colby holiday novella! Full of celebrations, love, moving in together, and interesting uses for holiday ribbon... Cadence and the Pearl, E, 60,097 words, About 30k of it written in 2019/2018 (Was this really also published this year? I had FOUR novels out this year? Gosh.) I really love this one, honestly - historical, paranormal, pensive, ocean magic, a fairy tale. The Arch-Mage's Firebird, E, 11,220 words. A spin-off story in the Kitten & Witch universe! (I really ought to write the third part of the main story...) A runaway firebird, and an Arch-Mage in hiding, and a beachside town. One Night in London: Robert & Anthony, E, 29,247 words. My part of the fabulous collaborative three-part novel, with @turtletotem and @thebestpersonherelovesbucky ! <33333 You can buy the collected version here - they're more fun to read together, since our characters interact, but they can technically stand alone. Regency m/m romance, ballrooms, scandals... (I also wrote the prologue for the collected edition, so, + about 5k words!) Eventually there'll be a print version of the collected edition! We had so much fun - perhaps we'll do it again sometime... :D :D A Demon for Forever, E, 13,752 words - surprise! I thought I was done with the Demon for Midwinter  universe - but JMS did a submissions call for stories celebrating LGBTQ  marriage, and, well - I'd written the proposal story for Kris and  Justin, so...we should get to see the wedding, right? With Justin in a wedding dress. A sparkly one. This story is also available as part of the JMS Books 2020 Top Ten Anthology! The Demon's Choice, E, 19,365 words - extra surprise! I'd had to cut this whole subplot from an earlier Demon story, but I couldn't stop thinking about it, so...I finally wrote it as a bonus story! Hurt/comfort, Justin confronting his heritage, and of course a happy ending. Refuge at Clifftop, E, 17,262 words. Third in the Extraordinary superhero polyamory series! Lots of hurt/comfort in this one, near-death self-sacrifice, tons of heroic love! Leather and Tea in London, E, 20,909 words - the third  of the Leather and Tea stories! Written for the JMS Books BDSM  collection call. Simon's brother needs a favor. So Ben and Simon head to  London, bringing Ben's retired-spy skill set and also some fun toys for  enjoying themselves. This story is also available as part of the JMS Books Hurts So Good BDSM Trio Collection! A Penny for Your Thoughts, E (but mostly implied / discussed - those darn truth-telling coins!), 3,981 words. A original-fic rewrite of an Evanstan drabble, expanded somewhat - and I really love these characters! A magician, his hero, mutual pining, and love confessions. Of Starlit Balls and Starship Captains, T, 6,596 words. M/F, with bi/pan protagonists - my attempt at mixing space opera and Regency romance! Technically I'd written an earlier version of this a couple years ago for a contest, for which it was not chosen, so this isn't all new writing, but substantially so. Statuesque, E, 3,491 words - some lesbian erotica! Short and kinky - established Dom/sub relationship - and loving. Honey Witch, E, 4,032 words. More short lesbian erotica! A witch and her princess, finding each other. Original Fic (written/heavily revised in 2020, publication contracts signed but not yet published) A Sonnet for a Thunderstorm, M, 3,202 words. An expanded original-character version of a several-years-old Cherik drabble - 18th century historical, thunderstorms, a poet and his pirate. Probably out in April/May 2021. (Frost & Raine, expanded version - the version that's still on AO3, which I'll have to take down, is about 31k - the published version, coming in February 2021, is currently 40,020 words. So...8,141 new words!) Original Fic (written in 2020, not yet under contract or published other than on AO3) In Focus, which is the Character Bleed spin-off, Leo's story - still in progress! it's up  to 68,458 words, so that means...52,947 new words in 2020! Not bad. Whumptober 2020 - Original Fic Edition, E (overall; individual chapters vary), 13,271 words. All the Whumptober fics for my original fic - fanfic for myself! A couple of the Character Bleed-related ones might make it into publication, as well as the Jamie/Brendan story, eventually, I hope. Ember and Serenity,  E, 23,170 words currently - I added chapter 5 in 2020, so that's 2,418 new words! I do have plans for this one. Oh yes. My  librarian-magician and his book-thief...yes. And if you're wondering who  hired Serenity, well, there already has been a clue... :D Spells and Sensibility (working title), aka the Mystery Project I'm working on with @thebestpersonherelovesbucky  - which involves Regency-era magicians, and is currently 35,546 words!

#

That’s a lot of words! I feel Accomplished. Looking forward to more words in 2021 - and sharing them all with all of you, without whom I’d’ve never had the courage to try to publish stories. Thank you - you’re why I do this. <3333

[tadcoopers-throneroom]

Modern day AU?

Alright lets see what I can come up with. I’m going to come up with as much as possible

Main

Madalena would be a politician.  No one expected her to rise to the top so quickly considering her background of a lower class family during college but like a month into office everyone knew she would be a major player.

Richard was supposed to be a major political leader like the rest of his family but after a scandal that his wife madelena may or may not of orchestrated his career was ruined. And soon after Richard and Madelena got a divorce.

He moved back to his hometown and re-met his childhood best friend roberta and got married and started a family.  He returned into politics years later.  In the hopes of redeeming himself and to help improve life for the common folk.

Gareth was also Richard’s best friends.  I’ll say they met when Gareth became Richard’s body guard during his political career.

He fell in love with madelena after the divorce she and richard had.

This caused a rift in there friendship but Richard did forgive him.  It took a while though

I’ll say galavant grew up the same way I did.  He is a military brat like me.  His dad served in the army and because of this they moved around a lot because of this.

They stopped moving during his high school years. His mom and dad got a divorce and Gal didn’t see his dad again until he was like thirty.

He and madalena were high school sweet hearts. She dumped him for Richard in the hopes that his family ties could elevate her political career.  Which left him heart broken. Since he was planning on proposing to her when she got a job instead he gets to see her on tv with other men.

He joined the military like his dad and when he became a general he had to go to a meeting with his superiors.

It happened to be the same place Isabella was.

She is an ambassador to Valencia.  She and Madelena are debating which country owns a right to the jewel.  Madelena thinks she owns it because of the fact they are occupying where the jewel was held before the invasion and well the jewel belongs to valencia for millennias.

Her and gal started talking during a break  during their jobs and got into a heated debate.

They bicker on and off during this period of Gal and him arguing with superior and Madalena and Isabella’s debate.

But they grew on each other and exchanged numbers before the debates were over.  They got married and sid was the best man

Isabella huge supporter of lgbtq rights.  She always was but after meeting Sid she became more vocal.

She also met Jubille when Sid and Jubille met during a pride rally.  He thought they would make a cute couple before her and Gal dated.  Didn’t work.

Sid was orphaned as a baby and has no memory of his parents

He was raised by a Jewish couple in a very small town that was mostly filled with extended family

He was very loved and was made sure he would never forget

Even when he didn’t want a reminder that he was loved.  He got a reminder.

Sid joined the millitary when he was 18 and served directly under Galavant. 

After Galavant and Isabella became friends he asked Isabella to pretend to be his girl friend for a few weeks in the hopes that his parents will stop asking about a girl friend for a bit.

Isabella agreed and had fun.

They never “broke up” though because galavant managed to convince sid his parents wouldn’t care about him being gay.  They would just nag him about getting a husband.

And they did.

Some Random head cannons less story base or I didn’t think this until after I did character headcannons so a bit more random. Some might be stupid but I’m coming up with this as I go and some are awesome

Sid is the most active on social media

Sid is a major fan boy and collects all the action figures

Sid also volunteered a lot in his community

his mom set him up on a lot of awkward blind dates before finding out he’s gay.  

Actually the awkward blind dates didn’t stop but now it’s with men

if sid does get married best man is Gal

Richard is bi but doesn’t know it and had a crush on Gareth without realizing it

Sid assumed Isabella was mspec because he always had a habit of befriending queer friends growing up but also knew she like boys

and yes he also assumed gal was queer

Roberta got in multiple fights because a kid was bullying richard growing up

Attempts were made to set Isabella up for an arranged marriage but they always fell through (100% of the time the fall out was izzy’s doing)

The wedding planner gets paid for dealing with journalist for Madelena.  But his family was in the wedding planning buisness and he helps out on occassion and plans big fancy political parties for Madalena 

Gareth though can be ruthless helps keep Madelena’s morals in check when she does politics

Madalena is the ruler

Gareth and her became a power couple

Richard never became as political strong again after the scandal but became a mayor of a small town and him and roberta were adored.  

Enchanted forest is still a gay bar but it went all in the enchanted forest theme.  Like it was bat shit insane some of the concotions they came up with. From drinks to interior design. ( the bar actually looks like a forest and the drinks look like potions for ex.)

Gareth was best man during Richard’s wedding and vice versa

though Richard avoided madelena as much as possible during that time

Madelena is a fashion icon her face and outfits are plastered everywhere

the musical numbers on galavant would be pop hits and played on the radio.

off with his shirt is a favorite in the enchanted forest because the singer was a lesbian that lived near the bar

she stops by and visits the bar on occassion

she doesn’t buy any drinks

the pirates were a “gang” but it’s mainly a bunch of friends doing stupid shit in their teens.  But they are still a gang even if they didn’t break any laws

galavant’s dad works in children services and adopts several children himself

Galavant and Isabella live in Valencia but travel a lot after Galavant retires and they visit sid a lot

Gal and Richard met because of Isabella’s political career

And they got drunk and bitched about Richard’s bitchy brother.  he married Madelina after Richard’s divorce but got ill from some mysterious disease soon after the wedding

Roberta teaches self defense classes

And Richard knows his wife can kick his ass and loves it

Richard mentioned that his wife does this during a town hall meeting and that she’s great at it.

Soon it became a popular class for women and she makes a town full of kick ass women

some men joked about it being spinster island so Isabella got a sign for her that says spinster island

Roberta hangs it up

Richard thinks it is hillarious

the jester is a comedian who occasionly writes songs for his act

also rumored to have an affair with Madelena while she dated richard

Richard never got his jokes

Madelena seemed to like him so Richard took her to all his shows

[frasier-crane-style]

Elseworlds

Well, Tumblr isn’t dead yet and the CW-DC just did a big crossover, so I think it’s time to make fun of the CW........ for the last time.

Did you know Tim Allen actually ended Home Improvement after season 8 because he knew the show couldn’t maintain its level of quality and was on the way downhill? Tim Allen has more creative integrity than anyone involved in the making of Supernatural. Think about that.

Anyhoo, lots to digest! Largely, this crossover felt to me weirdly lackluster and obligatory, like the whole thing was just a trailer for the oncoming Crisis on Infinite Earths crossover. It just felt unambitious, which is the last thing an ‘event’ like this should feel like. In fact, it felt a little like I imagine the result would be of filming a bunch of people playing DC Universe Online. We visit Smallville and see Lois Lane! We go to Gotham and meet Batman...’s cousin, and fight a breakout at Arkham Asylum, complete with Mr. Freeze...’s gun and the Scarecrow...’s fear gas. Then, we wrap the whole thing up with an Evil Superman, because God knows, DC never gets bored of that.

-Petty nitpick department: Batwoman just standing around on rooftops looks weird. Not only does it give the odd impression that she’s spent the entire time between episodes just, uh, standing, but c’mon--you’re supposed to crouch. Or at least hunch. Everybody knows that!

-Weirdly missed opportunity to have Ollie do the Flash narration, considering all the other opening narrations are futzed with.

-The whole thing is pretty much a glorified body swap--Stephen Amell is playing Barry Allen and vice versa. I can see how TPTB would be too pressed for time to explain a whole ‘nother continuity where Barry Allen became Green Arrow and Oliver Queen became the Flash, but still, it’s not as much fun.

-They also wholeheartedly borrow the thing of Ollie having to be happy to use Barry’s powers and Barry having to be mad to use Ollie’s ‘powers’ from the episode of Teen Titans where Raven and Starfire switched bodies. So, I guess, congratulations on making the central plot point of your crossover the same as a half-hour episode of a children’s cartoon.

-Remember that time Barry was too happy and too confident in his abilities, so his dad died?  

-They got a good actress to play the Lois Lane to this Clark Kent, considering they both just look kinda awkward? His chin looks like he had a face transplant done and her nose looks like someone is constantly Photoshopping it.

NHHHA, He-Man!!

-Don’t do a callback to Smallville, show. Oliver Queen has now spent more time in costume as the Flash than Tom Welling did as Superman.

-Direct fucking hit when Oliver said that Barry couldn’t take a crap without getting a peptalk from his team, but on the other hand, Oliver can’t take a crap without Felicity wondering what it means for their relationship. “Oliver didn’t tell me he needed to go to the bathroom! Why wouldn’t he trust me?”

-I’m just saying, last season on Agents of SHIELD, pretty much every character was in a relationship--there was not so much damn drama. It’s a fucking body-swap plotline, guys. You don’t need to treat it like it could lead to someone’s divorce! Really, at this point, if you’re in a relationship with a crazy superhero, you should be used to it. 

-(Although I suppose I’m a little hard to please here, since over on Legends of Tomorrow they suddenly expect us to care about Constantine rescuing the love of his life when we’ve seen their relationship for all of four seconds. But hey, like I said, Agents of SHIELD manages a happy medium and finds time for Ghost Rider to show up.)

-For the post-apocalyptic hellscape they make Gotham out to be, the police respond awfully fast to disturbances.

-”We’re on the corner of Burton and Nolan!” Groooooan.

-Ruby Rose, everyone: the Less Convincing Michelle Rodriguez. It’d probably a bad sign for how compelling Kate Kane is as a character that everyone would rather talk about where Batman is and why Batman would leave. And, speaking as someone who both watched Birds of Prey and The Dark Knight Rises--Rocky, that ‘Batman Retires’ plot point never works!

-(Is Batwoman even that popular a character to get her own spin-off? I suppose she’s ‘TV show’ popular, but still--I think she’s one of those Batfamily members that is somewhere behind Alfred but ahead of Ace, right next to Azrael. And I do think it’s hilarious that TPTB were insistent on casting a real, authentic lesbian!!!--and then immediately got complaints that they didn’t cast a Jew. Oh, Ziggy, will you ever win?)

-I don’t want to be too hard on Ruby Rose here. Yes, she doesn’t showcase anything other than one mode: Snide And Slightly Pouty (Stephen Amell ain’t winning no Oscars, but he can differentiate between Ollie As A Civilian and Ollie In A Halloween Costume). But the writing does her no favors in making a case for this character as being deserving of any amount of screentime, besides the fact that she dresses like Batman, the guy we really care about. She’s a heroine, as are featured variously in every Arrowverse show. She’s queer, as is Alex Danvers, Sara Lance, John Constantine, et al. She’s rich to the point of having unlimited resources, as are (sometimes) Oliver Queen, Barry Allen, Kara through her billionaire friends. She lives in a crime-ridden hellhole, as Ollie has done for several seasons. What makes any of this compelling? The Gotham setting? Arrow has already turned itself into an effective facsimile of that, to the point of having Ra’s al Ghul show up to make Queen into his son-in-law. Arkham Asylum seems completely generic, as does Wayne Tower. It’s all just a different part of Vancouver; who cares?

-Likewise, Supergirl, speaking to you as a TV show--you really should either be adamant that Kara is heterosexual or give her a weirdly flirtatious scene with Batwoman, but not both. I know you need, need, need to let the audience know Batwoman is a lesbian...

Pictured: The CW subtly letting you know about a character’s minority status.

But c’mon. We’ve been over this.

-Speaking of minority status, maybe it’s not the best idea to let slip that John Diggle is an AU John Stewart. Yes, there’s ten brothas in the DC Universe, and four of them are actually the other six. There are so few Negros on Earth-1 that they had to make Barack Obama into a superhero. The Batfamily has two black folks and they’re both related to Lucius Fox. There’s so few black people in Metropolis that Black Lightning knows who his father is!

Folks, the DC Universe is so white, the Black Lanterns are all dead. The DC Universe is so white, they don’t even have black Kryptonite. The DC Universe is so white, even Black Condor is a honky. The DC Universe is so white, they don’t even need a Justice League of Africa, they just have a Batman of Africa! The DC Universe is so white, the blackest guy on the Justice League is a refrigerator with one-half of a brother’s face on top of it. The DC Universe is so white, they named the black woman on the Teen Titans after a bug that’s half yellow! Now Milestone, the Milestone Universe is black. It’s so black, Aquaman is the most powerful superhero there, because he’s the only one who can swim!

(-I’m planning on being chased off of Tumblr like Indiana Jones after he snags an ancient artifact.)

-Would it be that hard for them to go to Arkham and run into the Ventriloquist or Orca or someone memorable, so long as they have access to the Batman toy chest? We got, uhh, Lady Who Can Pick Up Gun and Psycho Pirate I Guess? Like I said, unambitious. Wouldn’t it be so much cooler if they got someone from Gotham to film just one little cameo? 

-Also, considering the sex scandal these shows have had, maybe it’s not the best idea to joke about their EPs being depraved maniacs? (Was Guggenheim the one who actually got MeToo’d? Because if so, Dude--Not Funny)

-The show had to character-shill Batwoman so hard that Ollie and Barry stopped being fear-gassed just to reiterate that she is too an interesting character in her own right! (If the characters have all heard of Batman, wouldn’t they have heard of Batwoman too if she’s been an active vigilante more recently?)

-But who cares about four unstoppable superheroes teaming up when we can find out how Felicity feels about her relationship? Just a thought--if you fight with your SO all the time about nearly everything, maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship. 

-Long story short, Doctor Destiny rewrites reality again to make Barry, Oliver, and Kara into supervillains in a world where he’s the hero. He also makes the other characters into pointless cameos, and weirdly gets criticized by Kara for... not giving himself a sex-change operation by becoming Superman instead of Supergirl? He doesn’t have gender dysphoria, Supergirl. I thought she was all about trans issues this season?

-Like, I don’t know, if a woman used a magic lamp to wish herself President, would anyone criticize her making herself a lady President instead of a man President?

-I guess it wouldn’t be Supergirl unless they crowbarred in an extremely awkward girlpower message where Superman and Lois agree that Supergirl/women in general are more useful than men, despite the fact that all Supergirl did was the exact same thing as Barry, while Superman and Oliver fought Dr. Destiny, and all Lois did was call in a bunch of men as reinforcements and then need to be rescued.

-But like I said about being unambitious--wouldn’t it be fun to see our heroes be forced to team up with a few supervillains to save the day? Instead, we just have Cisco playing a villain (something he’s done numerous times before). They get his help, have a weirdly poor showing in a fight against Jimmy Olsen, get Superman’s help again, yadda yadda. 

-We also get Superman proposing to Lois Lane. Yeah, considering they’ve been in a relationship at least since Supergirl Season 1, she’s carrying his child, and they’re planning to move to an alien world together, yeah, I should think so? I know Superman probably isn’t a Republican, but does anyone think he’d be so blase about putting a ring on it? Hell, if nothing else, he should want to tie the knot before Ma or Pa bite it. Couldn’t they have just made it that he wants to renew his vows with Lois in a Kryptonian ceremony or some such? 

[simonjadis]

Review: The Last Jedi

I’ve been wanting to write this since I saw TLJ opening night, but I write for a living, which cuts into free-time writing. Here is my review of The Last Jedi.

Warning: The Last Jedi spoilers Also Warning: this is very long

STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI

Before I dive into what works and what does not work for The Last Jedi, I want to say two things:

First, that my favorite installment of Star Wars canon is Star Wars: The Clone Wars and that my three favorite Star Wars films, independent of The Last Jedi, are Return Of The Jedi, Revenge Of The Sith, and Rogue One, in no particular order.

Second, that someone's opinion on The Last Jedi differing from my own does not change my opinion of them. There are some films—such as 2016's Ghostbusters—where fondness or dislike is heavily politicized in a way that makes me wary of people who dislike them (If it's any indication, my cheeks hurt from laughter when I left the theater after seeing Ghostbusters). The Last Jedi is not one of these films.

I mention my favorites from Star Wars because I believe that every reviewer should start with that. I cannot tell you how many vague reviews I saw of The Last Jedi (I avoided any detailed ones, post-embargo) that I didn't know if I could trust. I saw other takes from reviewers—that The Last Jedi was “the best Star Wars film since Empire Strikes Back.” These reviews are not helpful to me, because while that's a popular favorite, anyone using Empire as a touchstone for best Star Wars films has different priorities than my own.

And that ties into why I wanted to make that second statement. Everybody has different priorities when they see films, and there's more to that than genre. I don't just mean that some people love space battles more than others, or that different people have different favorite characters. Some people (including writers and showrunners) are more invested in story, while others are invested in continuity or worldbuilding or character consistency. And the list goes on.

So, someone who likes or dislikes the The Last Jedi isn't automatically stupid or wrong or problematic. And I have to mention that because I have seen some alarmingly bad takes—not on the film, but on people's reactions.

For example (because I've seen this a lot, though not directed at me), assuming that someone dislikes a film because their fan theories weren't correct is toxic and rude.

I should also mention that I have still not read any post-embargo reviews of The Last Jedi, including from good friends of mine (though I'll read those as soon as this is complete). Though I discussed the film with my companions for a couple of hours after we returned, as we were still processing it, I want to give my take on the movie.

So, The Last Jedi is, in my opinion, not a great Star Wars film. I struggle to think of a film aside from The Phantom Menace that I enjoy less. The Empire Strikes Back probably ranks just above it, at the bottom of the Star Wars barrel.

To quote George Lucas, The Last Jedi was “beautifully made.” I never thought that I'd be impressed by George Lucas' shade, but here we are.

Spoilers below:

THE GOOD

I'll explain why I feel that way, but I want to start by talking about positives. True spoilers abound beyond this point, folks.

The film was beautiful and beautifully made.

I have longed to see Leia use the Force since I, as a child, first saw Return of the Jedi. I was disappointed to not see it in The Force Awakens, but very glad to see her racing through space. Some people suggested that the scene was not realistic, but I would point out that Darth Vader (Leia's dad) survived being delimbed and ignited. Darth Maul survived being cut in half. Those are trained Sith, but it sets a powerful precedent for surviving the unsurvivable through the Force. Leia was not hit directly by the explosion, but sucked out into the vacuum of space. Cloaked in the Force, she survives long enough to pull herself to the airlock door. It was a powerful scene and I loved it.

I don't know that I'd die for anyone, but I would certainly kill for Billie Lourd. Or for Gary Fisher. We all mourn Carrie Fisher, but seeing how extensive Billie Lourd's role was in The Last Jedi—particularly in comparison with her small cameo in The Force Awakens—really warms the cockles of your heart. Her character is not explained, and while that might irritate me if she were played by essentially anyone else, I enjoy that she's Billie Lourd and the audience knows who she is and implicitly accepts her friendship with Poe Dameron and trusts her to be a good person.

There is a lot of good about Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo. First of all, she has a baller first name. “Holdo” is a little close to “Hondo,” as in Hondo Ohnaka, Obi-Wan's pirate boyfriend acquaintance. But it's Star Wars and Star Wars names are bound to overlap. Some people apparently believed earlier in the film that she might be a traitor, but I only took her behavior as a typical Lawful Good performance versus Poe Dameron's Chaotic Good antics. Things turned out to be a little more complex than that. Also, she had really nice hair. Her “he's dangerous” and “I like him” lines about Poe were honestly delightful. I wish that she'd been more forthcoming (especially given how wildly informal the Rebellion, from which the Resistance seems to have been formed, has always been).

Finn's bacta outfit (what a neat idea!) and interactions with Poe early on were great. I know that it's technically queerbaiting, but if Disney won't let the canon Star Wars gays appear in films, it's at least appreciated that Poe has had zero female love interests. Unless we count some semi-flirting with Holdo, which is fine since they're both gay. It was clear that Poe being the one to find Finn was a gesture to the fact that they're almost universally shipped with each other. That may be the closest that we see to StormPilot on screen, but at least it's something.

Rey was my favorite part of The Force Awakens. I thought that a lot of her time in The Last Jedi seemed . . . wasted isn't quite the right word. She went to Porg World (whatever you call the planet where Luke has retired to satisfy his lactation kink) to learn the ways of the Force. Honestly, I feel that she might be better served if she were to go unearth forgotten secrets on Moraband, but I resigned myself pretty early on to the idea that Rey will probably avoid the Dark Side. Anyway, I still absolutely love Rey. Not only because she's a tiny Sand Lesbian from Sand Trash Planet, and not only because she's powerful. She earnest and somehow, despite being a scavenging orphan, manages to be relatable at times. Truth be told? I like her more than I ever liked Luke.

Rey's look was also amazing, though, as my friend pointed out, Rey's wearing a vest, and vests are as much a lesbian uniform as leather jackets are for bi girls.

ROSE IS SO GOOD. I don't just mean that her actress is a precious wonderful delight of a human being, though that is also true. Rose herself is really likable. As with Leia, this is a character where my adoration for the actor certainly exceeds my love for the character but the character is also great. Anyway, while “Rose” doesn't seem like a great Star Wars name (and, worse, we now have “Rose” and “Rey” as two of the, like, seven new characters who are still alive), I liked her blend of sweetness and determination.

Speaking of Rose: Finn is wonderful. I don't know what to make of that kiss (except that, it makes sense, especially if you think that you're dying), but even though I was bummed that Finn didn't wield a lightsaber in this film (what are they doing with him?), I think that he's a treasure.

In many ways, The Force Awakens was a rehash of A New Hope. I am so pleased that The Last Jedi did what appears to be a speedrun of both Empire Strikes Back and Return Of The Jedi so that we can have more, new storytelling in Episode IX.

There's that moment where Rey is on Porg World and she talks to Luke about the rise of the Empire and about Darth Sidious and it's a sign of how starved I am for references to or even acknowledgement of the prequels that this was a highlight for me, but it was. It was my favorite character from the sequels saying the name of my favorite character from all of Star Wars canon (and one of my all-time favorite characters from anything), Sheev Palpatine.

If you ask me what I liked about The Last Jedi, the first image that's going to pop into my mind is the image of the First Order's weapons firing at the Resistance ships at range, and we see . . . shield impacts. The recent-ish Star Trek films (and, sadly, Star Trek: Discovery, which I love but that's another post) have refused to show shield impacts during space battles, for reasons that I cannot fathom. It has long been part of Star Wars that we just don't see more than a flash of light when energy weapons impact standard deflector shields (we do see it with thermal shields and certain types of terrestrial ray shields, but not with ships). Anyway, I love space battles and spaceships and there's something about seeing energy weapons impact on shields like that . . . it just lights up my mind's happiness centers like a christmas tree.

Vice Admiral Holdo's big Space Kamikaze (though problematic from a worldbuilding/plot holes perspective) was really fucking cool and such a powerful moment. More on the negative aspects of that in the next section.

Rey's parentage wasn't really a let down. Like most fans, I had my own theory (Rey Palpatine), but since she clearly wasn't a Skywalker and since really the only lineage storyline in Star Wars canon is about the Skywalkers, it's nice to see an ex nihil Force-user with power like Rey's. It's hardly unprecedented. Even ignoring Anakin (who may have been created by Darth Plageuis or by the Force), neither Yoda nor Palpatine are ever suggested as having originated from Force dynasties. Sometimes, it doesn't matter who your garbage parents were, and that's a great message for Rey's backstory. (Though, truth be told, some wonder if this is a deception)

When a friend of mine got to a certain Plot Point of Dragon Age, she DMed me on Twitter, with “Flemeth you ol' bitch! Tits out and everything!” While that message warmed the cockles of my heart, it also really stuck with me, because that went through my head at Kylo Ren's topless scene. I'm not making fun of him (he looked great; even better than in The Force Awakens), but my friend's thoughts echoed through my mind. Also, she was in the theater with me.

BB8 is my beautiful precious son and I was so delighted to see him get to gleefully murder people!!! That moment really helps him fit in with other murderous Star Wars droids like R2, Kaytoo, and Chopper. But BB8 was more adorable and reminds me of a precious chihuahua I used to walk. BB8, you're doing amazing, sweetie!

That red, salty planet? Gorgeous. I've heard that it was Krayt, though we did not see one of its famous dragons. Maybe someone mentioned the planet's name during the film? I should disclose that I can't follow every word without subtitles and only take away, at best, 80% of the dialogue from a film without subtitles. I hear the noises just fine, but I have auditory integration issues that are just one of several factors that make me a nightmare to talk to. Anyway, love that gorgeous planet.

Speaking of subtitles, I've heard that someone saw The Last Jedi with subtitles and that, during that early scene with Poe negging General Hux, he referred to Hux as “Hugs.” That is amazing and beautiful and I would never in a thousand viewings have caught it.

The First Order Dreadnaught? Gorgeous. You shouldn't need a Death Star to absolutely demolish a base from orbit. And orbital bombardment is right up there with space battles among my favorite things. It just goes right to my happiness centers.

The Red Guards: like all of the aesthetic choices that Snoke inherited from Palpatine, his Red Guards were truly inspired. I love the variety in their vibro-weapons. The Soul Calibur-style weapon was particularly memorable. That whole fight scene with Kylo and Rey and the Red Guards? Absolutely stunning.

I love that the Skywalker Legacy Lightsaber is destroyed. That thing has a terrible track record with hands. I also love that Rey was the first to recover after that tug-of-war with Kylo; it reminds me of the end of Palpatine besting Yoda in the Senate. I'm excited to see what sort of lightsaber Rey crafts for herself . . . and also interested in learning where she plans to get a kyber crystal.

THE BAD

Snoke was, for me, the biggest disappointment of this film. A lot of The Last Jedi's angrier defenders have mocked fans for having the audacity to want to, you know, know who the characters are or what's going on. No one in the sequels has been as enigmatic as Supreme Leader Snoke.

Here's the set-up: in The Force Awakens, we see Snoke only via hologram as he instructs Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren, though interesting in concept, has not impressed me (I'll go into that), so I had hoped that perhaps I would at least like Snoke. As I mentioned, Palpatine is my favorite character in all of Star Wars. He lifts me up where I belong. He's also one of the most iconic characters in all of fiction, and a tough act to follow. With Hux being rude (and not Force-sensitive) and Kylo being weak, I hoped that Snoke, at least, would excite me.

We do see more of Snoke in The Last Jedi, but his is . . . profoundly rude. As my friend Rachel said as we sat processing after the film: “In my day, the Dark Side had a little class!” Snoke has a Hugh Hefner vibe to him and I mean that in the worst possible way. His golden robe was, I thought, an inspired design choice as it deviates from Dark Side Black while still allowing him some contrast from his (gorgeously) decorated throne room and Red Guards. The man wearing that robe, however, was not to my liking.

Back to the set-up: We briefly see Snoke in The Force Awakens, and he piques our curiosity. And then we begin to read the canon novels, where we learn that Palpatine—as Emperor—sensed some sort of profound Dark Sidedness beyond known space. He set up multiple observatories in order to assess that part of space, and was apparently planning an expedition before he was betrayed and murdered at the Battle of Endor. Apparently, it was his will that any Empire that could not support its Emperor was too weak to do its job, so his contingency plan, should he fall, was for only the best of the Empire to venture into unknown space and find whatever Dark Side presence he'd felt and, hopefully, find new leadership with the strength to bring order to the galaxy. In the novels, Admiral Rae Sloan goes with Brendol Hux and Brendol's young son, Armitage Hux (that's the general we see within the First Order), on this voyage into unknown space.

I can only imagine the disappointment that Palpatine's Force Ghost (or whatever the Dark Side equivalent is; we know that they exist in canon, as Darth Bane was able to manifest before Yoda on Moraband) must feel at Snoke. Palpatine was betrayed and killed by his apprentice, sure. But that apprentice was Darth Vader, one of the most powerful beings that the Galaxy Far Far Away has ever seen. And Palpatine was, at the time, a little occupied—you know, killing Luke.

In contrast, Snoke was actively reading Kylo Ren's mind when Kylo killed him. Though the words that Snoke uttered were transparently misleading (along the lines of the Delphic Oracle's famous prophesy to Croesus: “If you proceed, a great power will fall”), Snoke was actively sensing Kylo's thoughts and, well, we haven't seen anything about Kylo Ren to suggest that he's some master at the arts of deceit through the Force. Hell, Kylo didn't even sense whatever Force connection Snoke apparently forged. In contrast, while Palpatine and Vader went on an adventure together in the novel, Sith Lords, Sheev was able to sense Vader's dominicidal thoughts. At one point, Vader silently imagines grabbing his Master and lifting his frail, old body into the air, and Palpatine grins with delight at him, and Vader understands that Sheev knows exactly what's going on in his mind. Palpatine also foresaw an attack against his Star Destroyer with such clarity that he remained in “safe” zones of the ship at all times, sensing well in advance which portions of the vessel would be the first to fall.

What's more is that, not only should Snoke have seen it coming—he just died immediately when Kylo ignited the saber. A normal person might die from being cut in half, sure. That's not shameful. But a master of the Dark Side? Darth Maul was cut in half and then fell a distance that I wouldn't even care to guess. He went on to survive for many years on a planet made of garbage and fire. Maul was only Palpatine's apprentice; meanwhile, we see Snoke lose consciousness and die immediately from a (cauterized) wound to his waist. Unless his heart is stored in his waist (I know that he's an alien, but his heart definitely isn't there; it's usually useful to keep those behind ribs), that makes Snoke a lil' bitch among Dark Side “masters.”

The lack of information about Snoke also means that we don't know a lot about the First Order.

First, we don't know how to feel about the First Order's goals. Obviously, their means are immoral—abducting children and turning them into soldiers, destroying an entire solar system in an effort to destroy the New Republic government (which really shouldn't have worked, by the way, since the galaxy could just elect new senators). But is their goal to conquer the galaxy to create a safe and secure society? We don't know their goals beyond taking over the galaxy; more insight into Snoke would help us to better understand what drives the First Order.

Second, was Snoke some kind of Dark Side hermit that Rae Sloane and Brendol Hux found somewhere in the unknown reaches of space? If so, where is the First Order getting its resources? Was Snoke instead some sort of local ruler within uncharted space? If so, why is his entire army (right down to his interior décor and his personal guards, not to mention his fleet and soldiers) drawn directly from Palpatine's playbook?

And, again, what is Snoke?

For a lot of reasons, he's clearly not a Sith; that has been confirmed. He says that Kylo is “first of the Knights of Ren,” so . . . are Knights of Ren all Dark Side wielders? The simplest explanation is that “Ren” is like “Sith” or “Darth,” and another school of the Dark Side. What does that make Snoke? Is he the “Lord of Ren” or something?

We've seen exactly one thing from Snoke that's entirely new, and . . . we only see the Force Immobilization from Kylo Ren. Interestingly, and please correct me if I failed to notice an instance of it, we did not see it at all in The Last Jedi, but saw it more than once in The Force Awakens. Snoke presumably taught that to Kylo, but . . . other than that, he doesn't seem to bring anything new to the table.

Snoke Force-bullied General Hux through a hologram. This is not new. In Return of the Jedi, Vader Force-choked Admiral Kendal Ozzel after establishing visual contact via a communicator screen. We don't know Snoke's distance from Hux in that scene, but since Palpatine Force-chokes Dooku, lifting him into the air, via holo transmission over the considerable distance of Coruscant to Dooku's homeworld of Serenno, this was already established as a possible (though likely difficult) feat.

Snoke struck Kylo Ren with Force-lighting, which of course is well-established as being a power of the Dark Side, wielded by Palpatine and Dooku, but also wielded in slightly different forms by The Son (on Mortis) and by Mother Talzin, leader of the Nightsisters.

Kylo Ren uses the Force to interrogate, but this is a simple combination of Force Persuasion (Jedi Mind Tricks, used by almost every Force-user at some point or another) and sensing things through the Force. Vader duels Luke on the Death Star II and learns that Luke has a sister. Palpatine is almost always aware of the thoughts and feelings of those around him. Multiple Jedi use Force Persuade simultaneously to try to force the truth out of Cad Bane. We see the Force used for interrogation (almost precisely as Kylo Ren does) when the Seventh Sister, one of the Inquisitors who answers to Vader after the death of the Grand Inquisitor, attempts to use the Force to interrogate Ezra Bridger. It's a two-pronged effort to divine the truth while also attempting to pry secrets from the individual.

Snoke is not shown forging the bridge between Rey and Kylo, but this has precedent—once again, we look to Palpatine. He once used Dooku's connection to Yoda (remember, Yoda was once Dooku's mentor) in order to assault Yoda's mind in an effort to break him. While Yoda spends the final decades of his life as a barely-intelligible swamp-hermit who would rather literally die than tell the truth, this particular assault on his mind was not successful. Palpatine accomplished this without any proximity to Yoda, but rather through the use of Sith Sorcery. Snoke is not a Sith, but we must imagine that he accomplished this “bridge” via . . . well, I suppose that we'd call it “Ren Sorcery.”

Don't get me wrong, the “Force Pause” or whatever it is that Kylo Ren did in The Force Awakens was super cool and I love that it's a thing. But, in general, Snoke feels like a bargain basement attempt to fill Palpatine's role until Kylo could kill him and take his place as the Supreme Leader of the First Order. That might not be as bad if Kylo seemed, you know, impressive.

Finally, because I've just written the last 1,608 words about Snoke and need to move on to my second greatest disappointment with The Last Jedi, I should mention that I've been joking that Snoke has never actually killed anyone in his life and just bluffed his way into leading the First Order. He's weak and rude and the sequels could have done better, even with a temporary character meant to die in his second movie.

So, yeah, what we don't know of Snoke is a frustrating mystery and what we do know of Snoke is disappointing.

My second biggest issue was one of Luke's characterization.

Contrary to what you might assume, I am not talking about Luke's retirement to Lactation Kink island on Planet Porg.

I mean, that's an issue—since he's repeating the Cranky Old Hermit mistakes of Obi-Wan and Yoda who came before him. In fact, even Obi-Wan seemed to have a better attitude and degree of optimism than Luke, and that's after his apprentice, uh, personally purged the Jedi Temple. Luke lost his first class of students but Obi-Wan lost an entire galaxy and a Jedi order of thousands.

But, you know, sometimes Jedi just go off to do loner stuff on strange old islands that are home to whimsical characters. The Light Side is rough like that.

No, my issue comes from that, frankly, inexcusable scene in the tent. The one that “explains” why Kylo and Luke had their big falling out that resulted in Kylo murdering his fellow students.

Luke has never been one of my favorite characters in Star Wars, but I can tell you this much: the whole point of Return Of The Jedi was that he would literally rather die than kill Darth Vader, who had personally killed thousands and was an accomplice to everything that the Empire had done for, well, all of Luke's life.

So, to put it plainly, I cannot reconcile Luke Skywalker, the character, with the man Mark Hamill played in The Last Jedi. With a man whose first instinct after sneaking into his nephew's room to probe his thoughts is “gotta murder him in his sleep!” I'm not opposed to the idea of characters who are willing to murder other characters in their sleep. Again, Palpatine is my literal favorite character. But that particular deed is simply not in Luke's wheelhouse.

Now, some argue that this scene was necessary in order to bring Luke and Kylo to where they are for this trilogy.

I don't believe in adjusting a character's established behavior to suit the story. I like character-driven stories where what happens makes sense based upon the individuals involved and their environment.

But there are totally doable ways to tell that story.

How I would do it? Luke would notice warning signs about his nephew, sense that things aren't quite right (from his point of view), but appear to other students to be ignoring a problem. Meanwhile, one or two of Luke's other padawans might attempt what Luke attempted—trying to sense what's going on with their fellow student. An inexperienced pupil, sensing a darkness, might draw a weapon, causing young Kylo (before he was Kylo Ren) to awaken . . . just as Luke bursts into the room. So then we get the panic, and the tearing down of the roof. When Luke digs himself out of the rubble, Kylo has killed all of the padawans who were unwilling to join him. He might even believe that Luke was involved in the “attack.”

Luke being arguably too passive would be a totally believable and character-consistent mistake. Instead I just sat there, thinking . . . this is like telling me that, actually, Tarkin adopted all of the children who were off-world but orphaned by the destruction of Alderaan. That's just not something that this particular character would do. If you want to write a different character, do that.

As a result of this huge character difference, I've nicknamed Mark Hamill's character in The Last Jedi: “Jedi Joe.” Because, you know, he's just not consistent with Luke.

My third biggest issue with The Last Jedi is the timeline.

How long was Rey on Planet Porg? Days? Weeks?

Meanwhile, Vice Admiral Holdo and the Resistance are literally counting down the hours until they run out of fuel.

I say “meanwhile,” because Rey and Kylo's little ForceTime conversations make it emphatically clear that these are concurrent storylines.

We don't know how long the Resistance “fleet” (it's just a few big ships) spends in hyperspace before they return to normal space and the First Order shows up to attack them, but it can't be for long, because Star Wars FTL is much, much faster than, say, Star Trek's. I can't imagine them spending more than a couple of days in hyperspace, if that long.

So, how much time did Rey spend on the island with Luke? Are days just very short on Planet Porg? Running parallel to the Resistance being pursued by the First Order, this seems to be a problem.

Speaking of the Resistance fleeing from the First Order . . . what the hell was up with their “tracking.”

So, let's say that the First Order has developed the tech to track a ship through hyperspace. Or maybe they just have an infiltrator (or someone turned traitor) or got a tracking device aboard one of the ships. I'm willing to accept that . . . random technological development or whatever.

But General Hux was on a regular Star Destroyer when he established that tracking lock, right? So why is it that, later, that tracking lock—the one that they need to disable—is on Snoke's command ship? Can you just pass it back and forth like it's no big deal? They talked about it like it was some sort of delicate connection, easily foiled. One or two lines could have explained it, but if there was an explanation, I missed it.

Incidentally, I mention the idea of an infiltrator or a traitor within the Resistance because this would have really made it easier for them to explain why Vice Admiral Holdo was being tight-lipped about her plans. Though, quite frankly, Poe Dameron destroyed Starkiller Base. He should be above suspicion. The Resistance shows no signs of being a formal military. They're sort of a cobbled together grassroots thing, not unlike the Rebel Alliance, so it's not like they have this strict need-to-know command structure where no one is allowed to ask questions.

As my friend Rachel pointed out after the film, a lot of problems could have been resolved by the characters if they had simply spoken to one another and communicated like adults. This isn't necessarily a flaw in the film, but it sure is frustrating for the audience. The message that bold heroic actions aren't always the answer is an admirable one, but the circumstances make it seem to be a failure of leadership on Holdo's part.

Speaking of Holdo, I'm alarmed that these Sequels seem reluctant to give us new alien characters. We've seen Maz Kanata and Snoke, but all other aliens have been in the background or they've been Chewie. Holdo could have been an alien. She could have even retained the lavender look as a Theelin (like Asajj Ventress' bounty hunter gal pal, Latts Razzi). I totally support Rose being a human, but Holdo—particularly since she was not going to survive anyway—could have been a sorely needed alien character.

Also while we're on the subject of Holdo:

As I mentioned, Holdo's death was one of the most powerful moments of The Last Jedi. In science fiction universes such as Stargate or Babylon 5, FTL travel is entirely removed from the physical world. Flying a ship “through” a planet is fine in the same way that, on a planet, flying an aircraft far above a building does not damage the building below. In Star Wars, that is not the case, which is why they have complex hyperspace lanes and elaborate calculations (often made by specialized droids). Which is why, when she went to “lightspeed” (no more the speed of light than their “lasers” are actual lasers), her ship so effectively damaged Snoke's flagship and took some Destroyers with it. But the implications of this were obvious. Why, then, has this sort of tactic not been employed widely before? Could a few carefully placed transports in FTL have demolished the Death Star without Luke's special magic aiming? Couldn't every Star Destroyer be disabled or destroyed by, say, a garbage scow piloted by a single droid that goes to hyperspace in the direction of the ship? This kind of tactic would forever change warfare in Star Wars—even retroactively.

The only way that I can wrap my head around it is to suggest that perhaps the flagship's shields were recycling and therefore couldn't be brought back up in time to prevent Holdo's maneuver from being effective. Perhaps normal deflector shields protect ships from being impaled by other ships traveling through hyperspace. There's precedent for shields recycling (for example, thermal shields are shown to have a brief cooldown between being deactivated and reactivated), so we can accept that whatever type of Star Wars shields the First Order uses were on cooldown to conserve power while they leisurely bombarded the Resistance ships from range, and that Hux and the others on the bridge couldn't bring them up quickly enough to save the ship. Because otherwise . . . Star Wars seems to be broken.

Did they just kill Captain Phasma? Or did they seem to kill her . . . again . . . after doing basically nothing with her this whole film? I was hoping to see more of her in XIII, not less.

Maz Kanata's scene? Where she's doing vague cool stuff while also on the Space Phone? That was kind of a mess. It's fine if you liked it, but I felt like it was trying too hard.

C3PO had a red arm, taken from another droid (there's a whole backstory to it). He had it in The Force Awakens. The Last Jedi seems to begin precisely where The Force Awakens ended (just look at Luke receiving the lightsaber), so . . . when did C3PO get an arm transplant? Or did he receive it between the destruction of Starkiller Base and Rey's arrival at Planet Porg? We don't know how much time passed (though it seems silly to suggest that Finn would be comatose for for all that long; in Star Wars terms, his injuries were not that severe).

Empire Strikes Back has some of the heroes go to a gambling planet—Bespin Cloud City is effectively Space Vegas. The Last Jedi does the same, but this time it's more like Space Monaco. There were parts of that sequence that I enjoyed, but other parts I did not. I get that Rose and Finn's journey wasn't supposed to succeed for narrative reasons, but they actually harmed the Resistance. DJ didn't just fail; he betrayed them. Also, DJ is a terrible Star Wars name.

Of course, there are questions as to how DJ betrayed them. Perhaps I need to watch the film again, but as my friend Cattlin pointed out, Finn and Rose spoke to Poe, and then Poe was knocked out and woke up in the escape pod along with Leia. That's when Poe learned about the pods. How exactly did DJ learn about them in order to betray the knowledge to the First Order? (If anyone knows, or if I am missing something here, I am genuinely asking, so please let me know)

You know the scene at the beginning where, thanks to Iden Versio's intelligence-gathering, the Resistance knows where to hit to First Order Dreadnought in order to cause the most damage? Those bombers don't make sense to me because they are literally bombers. A bunch of slow-moving ships that literally drop bombs, perhaps using their own internal gravity, seem like a terrible choice. I'm not demanding that they use Y-wings again, but they could use, like, a ship that's in any way practical or good to deliver bombs. Perhaps a vessel that doesn't set off cataclysmic secondary and tertiary explosions in the form of its fellow bombers when it gets hit by enemy fire would be nice. (I know that Star Wars tech isn't based on Earth tech and therefore doesn't have to make sense in a speculative sense, but literally dropping round black bombs is not the way to win a fight).

Speaking of not winning fights: Kylo Ren.

I get that, because The Last Jedi takes place immediately after The Force Awakens, Kylo didn't have time to undergo character development that would be required to make him in any way impressive, either through his skill with the Force or through his temperament. But it was disappointing to see that not only was Snoke a weak jerk, but Kylo still has his issues. I like that he killed Snoke—like, the old guy's good at moving stuff around with the Force, but you don't get an award for that. I like that he seized power for himself. I liked that he put Hux in his place. But I'm not impressed with him as a character yet. I want to like him. I think that he has a lot of really cool potential, but I don't see him meeting that yet. I hope to see that in Episode IX. I hope to see him acting as a real leader, making smarter choices, and ideally giving orders to other Dark Side individuals (where are these other Knights?).

I also want to see Kylo showing greater strength and insight through the Force.

I don't know what the First of the Knights of Ren is, exactly, but ideally, he should notice when his creepy boss is using Space Magic to set him up with Rey. And he sure as hell shouldn't be getting tricked into a fake duel with an illusion in front of his whole army.

I'm okay with Luke having the power to project an illusion. While there's precedent in Star Wars canon (Mother Talzin does a lot of illusion work, including projecting an illusion of herself to Serenno from Dathomir while attacking Count Dooku), I do wish that he'd at some point hinted that he'd learned some things that the old Jedi Order had never managed. Maybe through meditation, maybe through old Jedi lore, or maybe through people he's met on his travels. (So far, the only Dathomir Witches that I know to be canon are the Nightsisters, and also they were all murdered by General Grievous under orders from Count Dooku; older, EU materials portrayed Nightsisters as only one faction on Dathomir, with other clans that were much friendlier to Jedi and to the Light Side of the Force—that would be an easy option)

I'm even okay, from a lore perspective, with Luke being able to deceive Kylo Ren with it. Maybe tricking Force-users is part of the ability. That scene's parallels to Obi-Wan's final duel with Vader are obvious, though Luke's death at its conclusion were more reminiscent of how his mom died.

But … the dice? The Fake Ghost Dice? That struck me as weird, after. Sure, Star Wars illusions can be powerful, but why bring your sister a fake memento? Aside, I mean, from a desire to deceive the audience. (Though seriously, shout-out to my best friend, Jeff, for predicting that Luke wasn't really there. I did not; I had assumed that his X-Wing being underwater on Lactation Kink Island was a Chekhov's Gun device to prepare us for Luke's departure. I was bewildered that Fake Ghost Luke was wielding a blue lightsaber in his duel, which only made sense after it was revealed that he was an illusion)

Weird that he died from it, though. My friend Cattlin was dreading the possibility of Luke dying, but I had accepted it. (After all, I already watched my favorite Star Wars character die, in Return of the Jedi)

Speaking of the Skywalker Legacy Lightsaber . . . the blade on it looked like it was filmed in 1980. Lightsabers looked so much better in the prequel films. Based on how Kylo Ren's lightsaber looks, lightsabers could look incredible in this film. In some scenes, they do. But that particular one tends to look washed out.

Along those same lines, they used muppet Yoda in a transparent attempt to distance themselves from the prequels. Thanks, I hate it. I don't know why dead Yoda has weather-control powers now, but even that pales beside how annoyed I am that both Sequel films seem to be scrambling to assure fans that they're not like the prequels.

Cattlin has a shirt that reads: “Shut up, nerd. The prequels are good, actually.” It warms the cockles of my heart whenever I see it.

There were a few bits that struck me as odd directing choices, but I don't know enough about cinematography to identify them.

Like everyone else, my opinion about The Last Jedi is a product of my personal interests and priorities. That's life.

[bobmonel-blog]

Film/DVD Review:

Tout le monde il en a deux (original title)

Bacchanales Sexuelles; Fly Me The French Way

SYNAPSE FILMS NTSC DVD

1.66:1 Anamorphic widescreen transfer

Original French language audio

English subtitles

Mono

Chapter Selections

103 minutes

2002 release

According to the notes on the back of this DVD box this is the full version of a film cut by almost 30 minutes for its US release. I haven't seen this shorter cut on video and don't know if it has ever appeared on disc of online or had a North American theatrical release.

Valerie (Joelle Coeur) and her friend Sophie (Britt Anders) move into her cousin's apartment while he is away on business in America for six months. The two share an intimate relationship and the first 20 minutes of so feature an extended lesbian encounter between them. Suddenly, two women in cat burglar tights and masks break into the apartment and kidnap Sophie, taking her to the rural castle of Malvina (Israeli actress Brigette Borghese). It turns out that Valerie's cousin, a free lance journalist, has taken some photos of cult activities at the chateau and is blackmailing Malvina. Sophie knows nothing about this but is ordered tortured for further information by Malvina. Valerie finds out where her friend is being held and goes to investigate. Meanwhile, Malvina's agent, disguised as a maid, visits the apartment to steal the incriminating photos. A new cult candidate (Annie Belle/Brilland LIPS OF BLOOD) is also in the process of being initiated into the cult. Numerous complications, sensual liaisons, disguises, break-ins, tortures, cat fights and other sado-erotic events unfold before Malvina's evil empire is destroyed and the heroines escape.

Brunette Joelle Coeur made an impression as the sadistic Tina in Rollin's surrealist pirate movie, DEMONIACS (1973) as well as his "Michel Gentil" signed soft-core of the same year, JEUNE FILLES IMPUDIQUES. She also demonstrates a talent for rough house comedy. This is probably the best of Rollin's "for the money only" soft-core titles, in terms of production values, plot interest and pacing. At least there's an element of Rivette-like complot. It's actually quite amusing in the way it complicates its erotic passages by interrupting them with surprise entrances and exits by villains out to get what they want from Valerie and co. Two French maids are on hand, which one is real and which the secret agent? Why is the Valerie's bath water bright blue? What else do the cult do except plan orgies and punish offenders? It's all paced with such dispatch and shot with artful poise that logic isn't an issue here, it's a disposable distraction from the fun. A witty, energetic music score by "Rex Hilton", his only credited film score, boosts the action and sense of comic book style parody. This film functions as its own erotic "Cinesex" style photo-novel of the era. The film is perhaps a bit overlong at over 100 minutes but it has an internal energy which really rivets attention even during the extended erotica, sometimes shot in extreme close-up, with some obviously simulated hard-core moments.

The Castel twins float through the action in costumes which suggest a Fantomas scenario or Franju's JUDEX (1963). Yes, this is an erotic exploitation film but Rollin imbues it with a distinct sense of Fantastique, as only he can. The formidable Brigitte Borghese (born Tamar Elkayam in 1955 in Israel, died on Febuary 9, 2013) was an actress who fits very well into the Fantastique realm, as she did in Rollin's LES TROITTOIRS DE BANGKOK (1984), and played the female lead, as the terrorist Britta in N.G. Mount's OPERATION LAS VEGAS (1990)*. She debuted in Menahem Golan's 1969 MARGO SHELI and made other adult features before appearing in TOUT LE MONDE IL EN A DEUX. She also appeared in the fanta-horror TENDRE DRACULA (1974), with Peter Cushing and Rollin's NE PRENDS PAS LES POULETS PUR DES PIGEONS, Chickens pretending to be pigeons?! She also appeared in Mount's TREPANATOR (1992) and LE SYNDROME D'EDGAR POE (1995). She worked on several unfinished N.G. Mount projects through the 1990s, including BROOKLYN COP.

Rollin went on to make about a dozen more of these pseudonymous erotic features, as well as the appalling LE LAC DES MORTS VIVANTS/ZOMBIE LAKE(1980), in order to finance his "serious" horror films such as LIPS OF BLOOD, FASCINATION and LES DEUX ORPHELINES VAMPIRES.

*N.G. Mount is Norbert Moutier, the former owner of a Parisian video store, in which he collected and sold cult videos for years. Some scenes in his features were shot in the basement of the video store. He is reportedly retired in Orleans, France. Thanks to Pete Tombs and Lucas Balbo.

(C) Robert Monell,2017