#resulted in killing someone and actually seeing them suffer. the other exception to this that we see before the character assassination

[rootspiral]

AGATHA ALL ALONG DEEP DIVE: episode 1 part 1

(Wandavision entries: [1][2][3])

(AAA entries: ep1 [1][2])

IT'S TIME TO REWATCH AGATHA ALL ALONG, WITCHES! And as usual, spoilers below.

episode 1, Seekest Thou The Road

Wanda is dead (no she ain't). As a result, her spell is weakened and Agatha has changed from her nosy neighbor character to detective Agnes (or caught the true crime bug, as Herb will put it.)

Stinky grimy Agnes, so serious and depressed. As soon as she appears onscreen she's humming the Ballad.

Detective Agnes has just been recalled to action after being off duty for a while. She was punished for "punching a suspect", which is code for going after Wanda. Agnes points out that now the suspect is a convicted felon, i.e. that she was right after all and Wanda is dangerous and evil. "I can't be right and wrong" she says. "Yes, you can" says Herb, because both Agatha and Wanda are villain and victim. And lol at the police tape symbolizing Herb's fence. You know the poor guy is in his garden looking down at Agnes in her Bonher family tshirt, wondering what the hell is going on.

oh that's a seriously good shot

Agatha looks heartbroken when she sees Wanda's body, doesn't she? She looks so sorry.

Herb (the real Herb behind the illusion) confirms that Agatha is acting different than usual.

THIRD TIME SHE DISCREETLY DRIES HER TEARS

There is nothing funny about Detective Agnes. Or rather, it's funny to watch her because she's so intense, but we laugh at her, she's not being a clown on purpose like Agatha usually is. And Agatha right now is in a lot of pain, even more than usual having completely lost her agency. This character so unkempt, so sad, so doggedly searching for answers, is more true to Agatha's real self than what she usually lets people see. Deep down she's just a tragic lesbian wet rat.

Somebody called in to have the body found, and I think that somebody was Rio. Why would the body be next to the water otherwise? It's like the River of Life laid her gently where Agatha could find her. In other words, Wanda's death brought her to Agatha. I'm curious about these woods too, we know they don't actually exist as this is all in Agatha's head, but where did the idea come from? Are these the woods where she killed the Salemites? Where she gave birth to Nicky? Or where she buried him?

Agatha's victims from the finale flashing throughout the opening. Wherever it may bend, I'll see you at the end.

"based on the danish series WANDAVISDYEN" never fails to destroy me. and it's so clever too, it's like they're telling first time watchers that yes, this seems like a grim detective show, but you clever audiences know that things are not as they seem and this is a parody, right?? this is not serious at all, it's funny! Laugh! Except. It's not funny. It's not funny at all. And you're going to realize only when it's too late. It's the same thing they do with Sharon/Mrs. Hart, they lure you in with laughs only to hit you with heartbreak. This show is not a comedy at all. It's at its very core a senseless tragedy.

Sarah/Dottie lives next door too, was Agatha talking to her through a window, or does the library desk symbolize another fence? This poor woman, hasn't she suffered enough? But they all more or less try to help Agnes, that's sweet. Has anyone from SWORD or whomever dropped in to talk to them, did the Avengers just decide to leave Agatha there? Did Monica (or Ralph) even explain to the poor people of Westview that she's a witch, or do they just think she's a random neighbor who couldn't be saved from Wanda's Hex?

THE MAILMAN CONTINUES BEING SUSPICIOUS. Is Agatha putting words in his mouth, or was he (the "messanger") sent by someone to warn her about the Darkhold being destroyed???

her FACE when she sees Rio

and the way Rio just stares and stares. When you rewatch this scene knowing that this is the first time she gets to see Agatha in centuries... and she has to be cool and she has to be gentle. I think it's deliberate that they put Phil/Harold/Ross Geller in here, because he's one of the funniest people in Westview and it's suggesting a first time viewer to read this scene as a comedy. Except it's a cosmic tale of tragedy and heartbreak, but you're not supposed to notice yet, even if it's right there under your nose.

Stop being such a lone wolf, Agnes. Or rather, stop being such a sad and lonely covenless witch, Agatha.

Rio laughs her delighted little laugh, licks her lips, looks out the window for a moment as if overwhelmed, then goes back looking at Agatha and basically devouring her with her eyes. ("te veo.") (thank you for my life aubrey plaza.) Agatha stares daggers back, but her body language stars getting defensive. She feels very vulnerable.

Yep, defensive. And wistful.

She is doing her job, like always. But she's also going above and beyond. There is technically no need for her to wake Agatha up, but here she is, dropping gentle clues, guiding her with such patience and care.

"If you wanna be in control you can be" is said in such a kind tone, but it's also sexy?? I think Rio really likes for Agatha to take control, in a lot of ways. Her body language is the opposite of what Agatha is doing too.

Oh noes she's making herself so small now. She's like, intrigued and angry and happy and scared to see Rio. They're both being so tentative!! And she doesn't actually know who Rio is because she's under the damn spell, so her body language and feelings are pure instinct. They come from somewhere very very true and deep. (and LOL that mug says "get a clue")

Is this who you are now, Agatha? the intense but lonely detective? she's genuinely interested, because Rio investigates Agatha just as Agatha investigates everybody else. Rio simply cannot get enough of her. and she keeps talking with this gentle, warm, understated tone.

Gains personal space. Keeps staring and staring.

oh now we're leaning. they do this every scene they are together, they keep getting closer and closer even if they don't mean to, like magnets.

Agatha literally bolts to the door and tells her to leave. Rio's presence is so overwhelming in so many different and complicated ways, and she doesn't even understand why that is at the moment. Kathryn Hahn is playing this perfectly straight (no pun intended), there is genuine pain in her voice.

"Te veo", which is not "see you," but I see you, I'm always looking for you, I'm always watching. And I finally see you, after all this time.

Oh, honey.

I'm running out of space again, but I promise I'll continue this tomorrow. Thank you for all the notes you guys, I was not expecting so many! I'm doing this mostly to amuse myself, but it's nice to know that the brainrot is collective 🙃🙃🙃

go to the next entry

[howtofightwrite]

What's gonna happen if someone gets shoot in the head? Will flesh and blood go all over the place, or will it be a small entry and exit, or will it be something else? Tryna write a zombie story rn and I'm not sure 😭

Usually, they die.

How much damage the head suffers will depend on what was fired. Specific cartridges result in different wound patterns, and if you have a forensic background, you may even be able to identify the bullet used based on the entrance and exit wound. Smaller handgun rounds are likely to result in less tissue disruption. Rifle rounds are more likely to cause serious structural damage, and shotgun shells (particularly buckshot) are likely to cause serious tissue disruption. But, there's another consideration, the more the decomposed the target, the more a round is likely to do. This one's honestly pretty hard to assess in generalities, because there are a lot of factors for decomposition.

This also leads into a far more difficult question, “what happens if you shoot a zombie in the head?” The answer might be, “nothing.”

So, there's two groups of zombies in popular fiction, and the answer to the above question hinges on which one you're examining. Zombies can either be infected with rabies or actual undead, and the latter are far more uncommon in modern pop culture.

A lot of popular zombies are, technically, alive, but cognitively functioning on a more animal level. In many cases, their symptoms are fairly similar to a sever rabies infection (though, the 28 Days Later series is one of the rare cases where the infection is, explicitly, a variant of rabies.) This also includes cases where the infection is from a parasite (many of the later Resident Evil games and of course The Last of Us are examples of this.) In these cases, destroying the brain stem (and, for that matter, destroying the brain) should be effective. The zombie is still propelled by using their nervous system. There's a bit of an exception in cases where the infection creates a second, parallel, nervous system in the victim, which can operate independently of the victim's original.

Living zombies became more popular in the 90s, and were extremely frequent in the mid-2000s. Most horror films that try to downplay the supernatural component, or look to play up the bio-hazardous nature of zombies, is likely to use some variant of these. (As mentioned earlier, a lot of these tend to behave like mutant strains of rabies. And, while it might sound like I'm being flippant here, rabies is a pretty terrifying virus.)

Living zombie apocalypses are, basically, impossible. There's the usual problem of asking how did the zombies actually get to critical mass? But even beyond that, eventually the infected would simply start dropping as their bodies decayed and the victims died. They'd still be a bio-hazard, but you wouldn't see waves of the undead pressing against the defenders' barricades.

If you want a much more detailed breakdown of the biology of various critters in pop culture (including a lot of zombies), Roanoke Gaming on YouTube is an excellent reference.

The other variety of zombie are far more rare in pop culture, and these are the actual revenants. Either they've been raised by some necromancer, or they're returning due to some other factor. Critically, these zombies are, truly, undead. Shooting them in the head might take it apart, but it's also quite likely that won't put them (back) down, as they're not actually using their original nervous system for anything meaningful. These kinds of zombies are far more threatening. In theory, things like extreme cold would cause further damage to these, but if the necromantic forces animating them don't care about the condition of the zombie, then having fingers or toes freeze off in cold weather, or setting them on fire, might not have the desired effects. You may need to resort to fully dismembering the corpses to get them to stop trying to kill you. (Note that these don't have to be, strictly, supernatural. The Dead Space series remains an excellent example of a non-magical zombie apocalypse of this variety, with some extremely “creative” uses of dead biomass.)

In the case of reanimated zombies, firearms are not a particularly great option for putting them down in general. The damage they inflict simply isn't relevant to destroying the undead. Firearms are designed to poke holes in people and get their body to spring a leak, but if something is already dead, that's probably not going to matter unless you're using the gun to deliver some other kind of payload.

-Starke

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[fanganfessions]

Nico’s motive is just the worst. Not from a writing standpoint or a realism standpoint, but from a basic human being standpoint. Bullying sucks, sure, committing murder against your bully is the wrong way to go but one can see how that happened. Except this is a killing game where getting away with murder means the torturous demise of every single other person, and Nico knew that. Nico was aware of that, and planned accordingly.

Someone else compared Nico to a school shooter and hate to say it but that’s not far off. Is that not what school shooters do? Murdering as many people as possible just because a handful were a dick? Even if that wasn't outright Nico's desire, they knew that would be the result and were fine with it.

Saying Nico was scared of being hate crimed is not a valid explanation for this. Even Ace, the person they were planning to kill for being a run of the mill jackass, respected their pronouns. Nobody gave a shit, they all accepted it. Nico got outed a chunk of time before the attempt and nobody said anything negative about it.

Point being murdering over a dozen people because of just not liking Ace is a truly evil thing to plan. It’s realistic, there are stories of killers who committed murder for similar reasons of “just didn’t like them,” but that doesn’t make it any less vile and I hope Nico receives actual consequences besides regret and a little bit of distrust.

Additionally, something worth thinking about, Nico got outed on public television (assuming it actually is public television) then proceeded to attempt the slaughter of their entire class because of revenge on one person. That’s a terrible look for the entire nonbinary community, and there is a very real possibility other nonbinary people in the outside world are now suffering from Nico’s actions the same way the trans community is suffering from the actions of Ava Kris Tyson. As a victim of harassment, shouldn’t Nico have considered, unfair though it may be, that doing this would skyrocket the chances they and all other nonbinary people get hate crimed?

.

[lazarushound]

The Official lazarushound Dean Winchester Playlist

Okay so this playlist is a big deal to literally no one except me but I spent like two hours explaining every single song on my dean playlist and I'll be damned if I don't share it with SOMEONE.

The playlist in question, which I update and add songs too fairly often(ish). It's roughly arranged in order of Dean's story, from pre-canon to the finale. A fair few of the songs are courtesy of catgirlhannibal, whom I adore.

Warning that is is a VERY LONG READ and almost definitely is plagued with typos. Without further ado, here is the 9.5k word explanation of every single song (at time of posting) on the playlist. Call that shit explicable Dean Winchester vibes, complete with my favourite lyrics from each song.

• Ramble On - Led Zeppelin

Dean's favourite song! The whole song is basically about having no choice but to keep going, even when things are tough. It's also actually about LOTR which is funny cause Dean's secretly a nerd lol. But yeah, it reflects a lot on Dean's nature as a traveller and someone who never settles in one place for long. Sometimes I grow so tired but I know I've got one thing I've got to do - I ramble on.

• Travelling Riverside Blues - Led Zeppelin

Dean's other favourite song! Probably not a popular reading of this song but for me, it definitely has a level of queer coding. Asked sweet mama, let me be your kid, she said "you might get hurt if you don't keep it hid" is the most obvious example of it.

• Psalms 40:2 - The Mountain Goats

Very biblical song lol. It's a lot about small town America (as many TMG songs are) and shitty motels which resonates with Dean pretty heavily. Not to mention: He has raised me from the pit and set me high.

• Night Moves - Bob Segar

This one is literally in the show so naturally reminds me of him. But it's about a teenage romance which definitely makes me think of young Dean. I mean, come on: out in the backseat of my '60 Chevy when the man drives a '67 Chevy??

• Father - The Front Bottoms

A few songs on this playlist are pretty much only there for one or two lines. This is not one of them. I could write another essay about this song and how it relates to Dean, every fucking line. You were high school, and I was just more like real life, and you were okay as a girlfriend, but I was just more like his wife 😮‍💨

• Old Number Seven - The Devil Makes Three

This is another song I'm pretty convinced was written about Dean. Once played it on guitar and my dad asked if it was about him so that's all the validation I needed. Angels start to look good to me, they're gonna have to deport me to the fiery deep.

• Mission - Alex G

This song to me is very much pre canon/season one Dean. It's all about following orders and being a good soldier, much like Dean's devotion to his father. I was trained to stick to the mission, I was trained, I kept it on track. To me, Mission has a slightly bitter tone, as though the narrator is resentful that they've followed orders so obediently and only suffered as a result.

• Adam Raised a Cain - Bruce Springsteen

Courtesy of catgirlhannibal. What a surprise, another biblical song. Dean sees himself as nothing more than a soldier, violent and aggressive. He sees his father as a hero, despite the fact that he's an abusive bastard. Well, daddy worked his whole life for nothing but pain, now he walks these empty rooms looking for something to blame.

• Shoulders - Big Thief

Okay, I'd argue this song is more akin to Sam than Dean but fuck you, this is my playlist and I choose the music. And the blood of the man who killed my mother with his hands, it's in me, it's in me, in my veins is obviously related to Sam and Azazel but also to Dean and John, as though Dean comes to realise that he's just like his father.

• Celene - Gigi Perez

End of season two! This song is about losing a sibling and is very much the mindset I pictured Dean to be in after losing Sam for the first time. I'd also argue it's how Dean felt when Sam was at Stanford. The other day I thought of something funny, but no one would have laughed but you.

• Like Real People Do - Hozier

Why were you digging? What did you bury before those hands pulled me from the earth? HELLOOO CASTIEL! Very season four Destiel, those boys will NOT kiss like real people do.

• It's Only Sex - Car Seat Headrest

Okay so post-resurrection Dean is VERRRRRY traumatised which makes it difficult for him to enjoy the things he used to love, including sex. This song is also about his struggle over his feelings for Cas: what happens if I don't like it? I like you.

• Not Allowed - TV Girl

Well, you may not like it but you better learn how cause it's your turn now! Very much following on from It's Only Sex, similar themes in this song but more relating to Dean's insistence on keeping up The Act and pretending he's the same man he was before Hell.

• Presumably Dead Arm - Sidney Gish

Second catgirlhannibal song to make the list. Just to start this off, this isn't the start of anything. To me, this whole song is Dean skirting around his feelings for Cas and trying to pretend they don't exist in hopes they go away eventually. They don't. Honey, you are nothing to me, (but alcohol and dopamine)/(I don't call people anything thought to be so sweet).

• Tangled in Ropes - Holy Locust

I literally wrote a whole essay about this one so I'll keep it short with just the best lyric. Had a laugh made of wax, house made of butter, how they melted that summer.

• Hate Yourself - TV Girl

If there's one thing we've learned about Dean Winchester, it's that the man loves to use sex as a means to avoid his problems. How long will it take? Before you start to hate yourself and go straight into the arms of someone else is just straight up Dean struggling to give himself time to grieve and overcome his trauma. He'd rather just hookup with someone else and pretend it doesn't make him hate himself more and more every time.

• Cherry Wine - Hozier

See: my whole essay about this song and Destiel. And it's worth it, it's divine, I have this some of the time.

• Body to Flame - Lucy Dacus

Another catgirlhannibal song! I see you holding your breath with your arms outstretched, waiting for someone to come rip open your chest. This song to me feels like Dean kicking himself for every trusting Cas, after Cas betrays him for the first time. To accept Cas as his family was going against his every instinct to close himself off from outsiders, and Cas just proved him right by betraying him.

• Motion Sickness - Phoebe Bridges

Okay this one is basically just for I hate you for what you did, and I miss you like a little kid lol. It just perfectly encapsulates Dean, bitter and resentful towards Cas whilst simultaneously missing him so much his heart aches.

• I'm Your Man - Mitski

Oh, woof. Continuing the betrayal arc, this song is all about Dean's guilt. It's his fault Cas fell from Heaven, his fault this angel isn't holy anymore. I'm sorry I'm the one you love, no one will ever love me like you again.

• Not Strong Enough - Boygenius

Where do I start? Always an angel, never a god 😮‍💨 I think if you played this song to Dean it would break him a little bit. I DON'T KNOW WHY I AM THE WAY I AM!!!

• Legit Tattoo Gun - The Front Bottoms

I was aware of this song but catgirlhannibal brought to my attention that it's Destiel coded 🧐 Who did I think I was? Who did I think that I could be? Oh, how dare me. Dean just kicking himself for ever thinking he could allow himself to have something with Cas.

• SHALLOW (PPL SWIM IN SHALLOW WATER) - Saya Gray

Okay, this one is a bit of a "hear me out." I'm seeing Mother Mary, she says I'm closer to Hell than the clouds are to Heaven. Dean's mother is called Mary so she's LITERALLY Mother Mary which scratches my brain very nicely. Obviously Dean sees himself as a sinner and doomed for Hell, despite the fact that he's a hero. And I left my enemies, cause nobody hates myself more than me, GOOD LORD DOES THAT MAN LOVE SOME SELF LOATHING. My mother's evil and the angels too is soooooo self explanatory. Dean has an idealistic version of Mary in his head which is challenged when she comes back to life and he interacts with her as an adult. There's also the fact that real angels aren't as "good" as you'd think. Sometimes I don't think I'm cherished enough.

• John Wayne Gacy, Jr. - Sufjan Stevens

This song is an allegory for being gay. The narrator sees himself as evil, just as bad as the serial killer for which the song is named, just because he's gay. And in my best behaviour, I am really just like him, look beneath the floorboards for the secrets I have hid.

• Always - Panic! At the Disco

Another one that is less obvious without me explaining it lol. The light in this song is a reference to the Great Gatsby which is a whole other queer coded story in its own right. But I always (hehe) picture this song as Dean struggling with Cas' feelings for him which are becoming more and more evident. It was always you falling for me particularly stands out to me, along with you are taking me apart like bad glue on a get well card.

• Star Tripping - Kevin Atwater

Okay I looooooove love this song. But it's another song which relates to God and being queer. It's about a very toxic relationship, in which one person is relatively okay with their sexuality and the other is incredibly repressed (seem familiar?). I could use any lyric from this song but I'll go with: you think He made you wrong, I think you're giving Him way too much credit, crying at the party, know it only bothers you if you let it, later you can kiss me, blame it on the stuff you took to forget it.

• The Calendar - Panic! At The Disco

Another Panic! song 💀 also from vices and virtues. Another "hear me out." There's the more obvious I will come back to life but only for you but I also think the rest of the song relates pretty strongly to Destiel. You said if you don't let it out, you're gonna let it eat you away, I'd rather be a cannibal baby, animals like me don't talk anyway. For me, it strongly resembles Dean's view of himself, an attack dog. Cannibalism as a metaphor for love. And obviously that man loves to repress stuff and let it eat him away, so to speak.

• Lacy - Olivia Rodrigo

Lawd. This song has a lot of queer subtext in and of itself. It's all about adoring someone to the point where you become insecure because you know you'll never be as good as them. The song is bitter and resentful whilst simultaneously loving and adoring. I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you, yeah I despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you. He hates himself because he loves Cas. HE HATES HIMSELF BECAUSE HE LOVES CAS.

• Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths

Dean does not let himself have nice things. Lord knows, it would be the first time. This song feels pretty self explanatory to me lol.

• Feeling Oblivion - Turin Brakes

Okay this is my favourite song of all time so I'm slightly biased for including it HOWEVER. I feel it also applies to Dean pretty well. We're now at the point in the story where Dean is about to/has already lost Cas. This song invokes an incredibly deep feeling of nostalgia for me, like looking back on when things were better. Now it is night time, maybe we're cruising avoiding the anti-cruise, like tell me this isn't Dean and Cas just driving around Kansas cause Dean can't sleep 😭 and don't even get me fucking started on so don't leave me here on my own, by the time fear takes me over, will we still be rolling? Feeling oblivion cause this song makes me cry every time I hear it I stg.

• Who We Are - Hozier

Poor Dean :( bro has just lost his best friend, and is now realising that he'll never be able to tell him how he felt. It's like he's seeing things plainly for the first time, realising what he's been missing. He never had Cas because they spent so long avoiding their relationship, and now it's too late. You only feel it when it's lost, getting through still has its cost, quietly, it slips through your fingers, love, falling from you drop by drop.

• Crack Baby - Mitski

I don't know if I really need to say more than: crack baby, you don't know what you want, but you know that you had it once, and you know that you want it back.

• Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Bob Dylan

This is another song that's in the show (dark side of the moon, I love you) so naturally reminds me of Dean. It might be a bit on the nose putting it right at the end but it just feels like Dean finally letting himself rest (die of tetanus). Mama, put my guns in the ground, I can't shoot them anymore.

[domoz]

I'm calling this one, "Intro to an AU that, if/when I actually write it, will take place much further in the future than this, and also possibly be from another POV"

When Hashirama comes of age, they throw a party.

He's thirteen, so much younger than civilian families do it, and despite that he's already been running missions and fighting in battles for years now. Already killed men more than twice his age, though he'd cried about it for weeks afterwards.

He sits rosy cheeked and smiling through the first hour, so pleased to have everyone's attention on him and the blessing that is his mokuton. He's fidgeting by the end of the second, and to all of his son's surprise, Butsuma dismisses them all to go enjoy themselves at the feast rather than have them sit there and endure a tea ceremony.

Back then, Hashirama had been much more obvious with his scheming and had leaned in and whispered about how he bet he could get them to throw him another party when he turned twenty. Kawarama and Itama had nodded in eager agreement, and Tobirama hadn't said anything which meant he did too. They'd ducked between legs and under tables and huddled up together under lantern light to share soft buns swiped from their baskets.

When Tobirama comes of age, he dies.

They weren't any talks of planning a party, and asking for one wasn't even the beginning of a thought on his mind. Itama's funeral was two months ago and even if someone had asked, Tobirama would have refused one.

He wakes up on his birthday to a strange half light outside, and he peers out a crack in the door to find that a thick fog has formed some time during the night, obscuring everything more than a few meters away and casting everything in a monochrome blue-grey. The whole world feels muffled, like this, and Tobirama finds it at once eerie and oddly peaceful.

But he can't let himself indulge in it for too long. The sun is up, which means chichi-ue will be up, and breakfast will be soon. So he dresses himself and goes to the kitchen and… It's empty. Untouched, even. No sign of father, nor of the auntie that normally would have come and gone with food by now.

Troubling.

Chichi-ue would only break his usual routine for an emergency, but it must not have been one bad enough to wake his sons for. Or at least not him, but he might have brought Hashirama, depending… Tobirama experimentally stretches out his chakra to see if his brother is still asleep, but what he finds only makes him frown deeper. Hashirama's chakra feels as muffled as everything else does, not in the way it curls in on itself with sleep, but like there's something blocking him off from feeling it fully. A layer of cloth that keeps him from finding the edges.

Tobirama doesn't pause for even a moment before turning around and marching right back the way he came, until he's at the door to his brother's room. Chichi-ue would expect them to handle their own affairs, even without him there, so it's best if he doesn't let Hashirama sleep in, anyways. Refusing to acknowledge the way his heart is pounding, he slides the door open.

It's not Hashirama's room. Or, it is his room, everything is arranged in the way he likes to keep it, only it's like it's suffered years worth of neglect in a single night. Tree roots have broken in from the ceiling, the door frame, from cracks in the wall, and around them other wild growth has sprouted making the room look more like the forest than even the garden around the house.

Despite his chakra sense insisting that Hashirama is in his futon, to his eyes his brother is not there. Instead there is a white shape, maybe the size of a cat, but it lifts and turns to look at Tobirama when he opens the door. Its face is blank and smooth, except for two empty holes where eyes should be. 

Tobirama slams the door closed. So it's a dream, then. He thinks hysterically, or a genjutsu. But when he flares his chakra as strongly as he can, nothing changes, and when he pinches himself all that results in is a red welt rising on his pale skin.

If it's not either of those then… Then Tobirama really needs to find someone and figure out what this emergency is about.

Forcing himself to breathe steady, he slowly stretches out his chakra sense again, ignoring the way it insists that Hashirama is still asleep in his room. Probably, he needs to find someone who feels real to his senses -- which happens so immediately that Tobirama snaps his chakra back hard enough to make him wheeze.

It’s in the next room down, the room he's only been in once since the funeral. His senses must be broken, he thinks, because they've just told him that Itama is inside, delicate flower-bud new-growth chakra the same as the day he died.

Like he's compelled, Tobirama pads down the hallway to Itama's room. His hands don't tremble as he reaches out to open the door, but his stomach lurches despite his best efforts.

This room isn't as overgrown as Hashirama's was, and there are chimes and charms hanging from the ceiling that Tobirama doesn’t remember being there, but he doesn't have eyes for that. Because sprawled out on his futon, the way he had in life, the way that always made Chichie-ue scowl and reprimand their youngest brother like it was something he could control, is Itama.

Tobirama swallows hard. He doesn't dare move and break the moment. If this is a dream, it's an unexpectedly kind one.

Yet moments stretch on into minutes and nothing shatters. Itama remains right where he is as Tobirama carefully crosses the room to kneel down next to him.

His younger brother snuffles and rolls over onto his side, able to sense a presence nearby, but not yet paranoid enough to wake because of it. Tobirama reaches out a hand -- it still does not tremble, but his throat feels suspiciously tight, and his eyes are burning -- and drops it onto Itama's head.

Itama grumbles, but that is enough to wake him, albeit slowly. When he squints open his eyes and sees Tobirama, though, he sits up all at once.

"Nii-san! Oh!" He exclaims, and then he lurches forward and hugs him. Tobirama hugs back, tight, of course he does but-- He hadn't noticed it before, but like this it's strikingly obvious that Itama is cold to the touch. He can feel no pulse or breath, even though he continues to ramble on.

"I meant to be awake to greet you, but I didn't think you'd started getting up even earlier! Sorry, that must have been pretty freaky." His words pass through Tobirama's ears like water. Itama died, and now Tobirama is here, able to speak with him and hold him again. Does that mean he's died as well? An assassin slipped into his room and killed him before he could even wake?

Itama pushes out of Tobirama's arms and onto his feet, but he stays close, frowning down at him. He's so small, still so small. Two months might have made a world of difference for a child his age.

"I died." He chokes out, because he can't think of anything else over the tide of shock. I'm dead, I've died, I've left Hashirama alone.

"Eh, uh. Not exactly. This is something else." Itama says. He reaches out with tiny cold fingers to tug at Tobirama's arm.

Tobirama blinks. Swallows hard.

"But, you--" Died. He chokes. Is this, then, some kind of retribution Itama's ghost is seeking on him, for failing to get to him in time to save him? Tobirama will admit that he's deserving of it. And so he lets Itama frown and pull him to his feet, out of his room, out of the house entirely, into the fog covered Senju compound. Though, he talks the whole time

"Shigure-sama says I'm supposed to help you. I mean, I was always supposed to. I guess it's pretty lucky that I can, still." Itama chatters, heedless of the way Tobirama is fighting not to break out into shivers.

He tries to focus on the words, but he can't. So he looks at the buildings, but they're not where they should be, and when they pass by them close enough to get a look at them through the fog, they're all wrong; older, and where some are missing additions that they have in life, others have rooms, even entire stories that they didn’t have yesterday.

Distantly, Tobirama can't help but note that Itama is leading him to the graveyard.

"It's normally more lively around here, but I think everyone's staying inside, since Shigure-sama is being dramatic." Itama turns at him, and smiles and waves a hand around to stir up the fog. Tobirama… Grips his hand tighter. He doesn't know what else to do.

He missed that smile.

Itama squeezes back and keeps pulling him along. "Also it still is really early, so there's that, too. Hopefully I can introduce you to everyone later? I mean, no one will actually be mad at you for going to see Shigure-sama first."

Tobirama has stopped trying to make sense of his words, but the wash of them is comforting, in a way. Maybe that's even what Itama is trying to do, but it can only help so much. They're in the graveyard now, and there are shapes in the mist that look more like humans than grave-markers.

One of them bends close enough for him to get a good look at them. It's Hinoki-san, who died last fall, and as pale as the mist around them. She smiles at him.

Head swimming, Tobirama fully expects Itama to lead him to his grave, or maybe Tobirama's own, but instead he walks straight past all of them, and onto the path into the woods behind.

Tobirama doesn't visit the shrine often, but the path is longer than he remembered, and the trees are taller.

"Itama." He says, so quiet that it's almost lost even in the near silence of the woods, "Who is Shigure-sama?"

"Oh! Uhh…" Itama rolls his lips between his teeth, and Tobirama very nearly tells him to stop, because it's a bad habit for a shinobi to have. But that -- doesn't matter any more, does it? The admonishment sinks into his stomach instead. "He's like the boss around here, I guess? Definitely the oldest and strongest, so."

"Okay." Tobirama says softly, and Itama nods and keeps pulling him along. It's not much longer before the shrine looms out of the fog. Tobirama mechanically follows Itama's actions as they stop at the fountain to wash themselves -- it's a bit redundant now, isn't it? -- and then to the haiden, where he claps and bows and shouts "Presenting Tobirama-Senju to Shigure-sama."

Woodenly, Tobirama bows with him, but he can't help a sideways glance at his little brother. No one ever taught him to announce someone like this, he's sure, and he spoke far more confidently than he would have if he'd been made to do such a thing in life.

For a moment, there is nothing, and then reverberating in his bones, "Ah. Well at least he knows his manners even if he knows not his purpose."

Tobirama looks up -- and up -- and up. He had been half expecting --insofar as he could think enough to expect anything -- Shigure to be the ghost of some monk. A shrine keeper from ages past who's duty had kept them here past their own life. What he sees is not a human, but a long whiskered snout, mother-of pearl scales, silt pupils, antlers, a serpentine body that stretches back into the mist that is expelled with each breath.

That -- is a dragon.

Tobirama should kowtow or something, shouldn't he? But he freezes, for once deeply resenting that he has only ever been trained to react to surprises with violence.

There is a rumbling sound. Tobirama isn't sure if it's a growl or not, and all he can really do is force himself not to respond with a panicked noise of his own.

"You are too early." The dragon says, impassively, "You will come back here after you have your human understanding of things first, as it should be."

And then the dragon is suddenly there, in front of him, faster than its size should possibly allow, and its claw is pushing into Tobirama's chest, and it should hurt, but it doesn't. He squeezes his eyes shut on reflex and the only thing that pierces him is bone-deep cold.

When he blinks his eyes open again, he's in his room. The light is warm -- normal morning sunlight, much later than Tobirama would ever usually wake and --

He can't help it, he gasps, entire body wracked with shivers so bad he can't control them. And he's -- at an odd angle. Propped up on something that's not his pillow and being dragged even higher even now.

"Oh, Tobi, are you awake? Are you okay? What happened? Ah, you're so cold." …That's Hashirama holding him together. but he really shouldn't be, because Chichi-ue is here too, watching it happen, arms crossed. Though, he doesn't look particularly angry or even disapproving. Mostly, he just looks… Resigned.

"I--" he tries, but his whole body spasms with another round of shivers, and Hashirama pulls him closer, like it will help.

…It doesn't hurt, though.

He wishes he could relax into it, but he can't with father watching. But with Hashirama rubbing at his back, it's easier to take measured breaths. Enough to help his body relax a bit, even if it doesn't actually make him feel any warmer.

"Had a dream." he gets out, voice still shaking with cold.

Tobirama thinks he should explain more, except chichi-ue closes his eyes and says, "I figured as much." And then, "Pull yourself together and get to the shrine. You'll have new lessons there starting today."

He turns and leaves without saying anything else, even though Hashirama says, "Huh?"

It explains nothing. Tobirama is starting to think he understands, regardless.

[yanderes-galore]

May I request a romantic or romantic/platonic yandere concept or alphabet for Julie Langford from Bioshock? - 🍂 For a concept, I was thinking it could be with a darling who's some combination of sheltered/innocent/spoiled and in for a VERY rude awakening when Rapture starts falling apart - but a general concept with a less specific darling is competely okay ^^ I remember you saying that alphabets are actually easier to write most of the time, so I would be equally happy with one of those instead!

Uhh... hm, sure. I can't say there will be much detail as her character isn't really threatening at all but I can try.

Yandere Alphabet - Julie Langford

Pairing: Platonic/Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Kidnapping/Isolation, Drugging/Poison, Gassing, Manipulation, Unhealthy power dynamic, Dubious/Forced companionship, Mostly tame.

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Julie is an older woman who has dedicated her life to botanical studies. She spends most of her time in Arcadia studying. As a result she doesn't have many close to her.

However, maybe you could be her assistant in her research. That would be a way for you two to share a connection. Plus it incorporates her line of work.

Julie would be one to bond through her love of botany. Her obsession is rather tame and soft for the most part and she isn't that intense. Yet she's still very capable.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

Not very messy. She feels killing to keep you beside her makes her like those problematic Splicers.

Maybe if she'd have to she could make a poison to remove unwelcome guests around you, but she prefers to keep things non-lethal.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

If she did abduct you she'd treat you with care. She doesn't appear to be a violent person and is probably one of the most sane ones in Rapture.

If she "abducted" you in Arcadia she would claim it's because of the Splicers. She would also not mock you as her assistant.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

She tries not to yet she is someone you work under. If she asked you to do something you'd probably do it. If not... she'll try to convince you it's for a specific reason.

She uses subtle manipulation.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

She cares for you quite a bit be it platonic or romantic. She's a bit vulnerable about you yet not much.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

She'd think it's irritating, upsetting, and pointless. She isn't hurting you in her mind. If anything she's caring for you.

Would you rather suffer at the hands of Rapture's Splicers?

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Not a game and she certainly does not like it when you try to escape.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

Julie doesn't do much to make her a yandere other than some manipulation and distaste for other people.

However, the worst thing she'd do is drug you in some way to lock you in Arcadia. She has an extensive knowledge of plants so she most likely knows what does what.

Maybe she drugs your food or gasses you with some sort of plant based knock out drug. By the time you wake up she's locked you in her lab. That would be the worst thing she'd do to you.

She betrays your trust and isolates you... yet tries not to hurt anyone.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

It depends on how she feels for you.

Platonic: She plans to keep you her most treasured assistant. She'll keep you in Arcadia as long as she's there and teach you all she knows. You'll become her protégé.

Romantic: Very similar to the platonic version except this time she sees you as a potential lover. She wants to bond with you through botany, maybe even planning dates around it. She'll keep you in Arcadia just like the other version, except this time as her future spouse.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

Not really. She's a bit too mature for vocal jealousy yet she does appear annoyed when others speak to you. She blames it on them ruining potential research time.

She copes but will appear annoyed.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

I imagine Julie would be very caring towards her assistant while being colder to everyone else. She adores you and is very attentive to what you do in Arcadia. Everything from passing around notes and research or just speaking with her is enough to make her happy

She isn't very physically affectionate yet if you needed comfort or were affectionate yourself, she'd indulge because you like it. She's caring and it's hard to tell there's anything wrong.

Let alone that she's a yandere.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

It would be slow and not very planned until maybe the very end.

You two meet in Arcadia due to a shared interest and work with one another. Then things would develop from there. She isn't a big one for stalking, just keeping you with her. That's how you'd meet... later on she would most likely get a little bit worse.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

She's softer with you because she genuinely cares about you.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

She doesn't really have to/need to. But if a time comes where she does have to make you comply... she may try to make a plant solution that would make you calmer.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

Not any if she doesn't need to.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Very patient.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

Probably would with time but she'll try to prevent it in any way she can.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

A little and she may let you go, unless it's dangerous.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

It's unknown for her, but it may be because you're one of the closest people she knows.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

She'd comfort you the best she can and offer any remedy she thinks will help.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

You can barely tell she's yandere as she isn't really violent.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

It's not hard, if you say you'll accompany you somewhere she may let you. She isn't very strict.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

No.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

She cares for you but isn't a worship yandere.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

A long time, maybe until Rapture falls.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

No.

[mortalkombartwistedreflectionau]

Mirror Quan Chi/TR Quan Chi

Once an Oni who hailed from the fifth plane in the Netherrealm, one of the most hostile environments of that realm which was already known as a terrible place to begin with. For many of its inhabitants, looking up just for themselves was a requirement to live any kind of comfortable life. Quan Chi was simply one of many of those cases, except he succeeded far more than usual, enough to grow quite complacent with that lifestyle.

A genius with no rival (you can be sure that’s how he would call himself), Quan Chi studied sorcery with the objective of becoming more powerful, and he really did. He even managed to change his physical appearance, transforming himself into a more regular demon, one with a particularly humanoid form, feeling that form would be more ‘appealing’ for others (especially those with tamed souls who came from living realms after death), useful for his future schemes.

Quan Chi kept living in the Netherrealm for thousands of years, usually jumping from one plane to another, with self-benefit being his only objective in mind. He wished to find something that could give him power and influence over his realm, overthrow Lucifer as its ruler. In the world you are more familiar with, the chance to fulfill his objectives came when he learned of a Fallen Elder God who had been trapped in the Netherrealm, killing any already very slight possibility on him reflecting on his ways by giving him a taste of the power he desired… but this world, as always, had a very different path for him.

When Quan Chi learned of Shinnok’s initiative to change the Netherrealm, he was as surprised as amused. He considered it absurd. Such a powerful being, who could easily rule over the mere insects the inhabitants of the realms were to him, had just come to assist them? He couldn’t even believe it, instead thinking Shinnok actually wanted to impose his will in his own way. But in any case, he was curious enough of the possibilities such a powerful presence brought to decide and see it by himself.

When Shinnok was visited by Quan Chi, he was soon able to tell the kind of person he was. And, as he said to Quan Chi, it was fine, he had gone there expecting the consequences of  his and his fellow Elder Gods’ would be dedicated to pain and suffering, the kind of people who were created as a result of it, but the former Elder God also let it be clear that he was no fool. Quan Chi was annoyed that any possibility of tricking Shinnok was gone from the very start, but he decided to make a deal with him, nonetheless. He still wished to be associated with a powerful being of his capabilities, even if his actions would be limited by Shinnok’s compassion, which he still hoped would be less restricted than Lucifer’s wish to control every demon. Shinnok accepted, knowing someone with Quan Chi’s knowledge could be useful and having hopes for him still having at least a little capability to reflect, but let it clear to Quan Chi that he would keep an eye on him. The sorcerer decided to hold any scheme he could have for the ideal moment, which never came.

One of the things Shinnok used to do with every demon who associated with him only by self-preservation was showing them the kind of happy prosperous life people in other realms could enjoy. While it worked with many of them, that wasn’t Quan Chi’s case. He was perfectly aware of how things worked in other realms, he had studied enough for it, and still held on to his selfish lifestyle, thinking it as the only way to genuinely triumph… and yet, seeing so many other inhabitants of the Netherrealm change genuinely and following Shinnok’s ideas deep down awakened doubt in him, at least enough doubt to actually want to see how they would fare now that they had abandoned the ways he adored. He expected them to fail for being fools, and he couldn’t have been more wrong.

While the Shinnok and the Brotherhood were flawed and still failed many times, Quan Chi was able to see them succeeding in building a better society in the first four planes of the Netherrealm, and not even needing to use force, but just their collective will to make things better. That contradicted everything Quan Chi believed, and finally started to change him. It was a slow process that took many years, but it happened. At first he just developed respect for the success of Shinnok and the Brotherhood. Then, when he decided to genuinely help them sometimes out of that respect, he started earning friendships, being treated with kindness and gratitude in a way that actually made him feel fulfilled in a way gaining power hadn’t done before. And so the process continued until Quan Chi decided to actually change his way, and also genuinely work with the Brotherhood as comrades. Shinnok, who had known from the start that Quan Chi would be a long term project in terms of changing, felt very glad that it had actually happened, and became genuine friends with him from then on rather than just associates.

Now one of the most influential figures in the Brotherhood and fully loyal to it, Quan Chi will not be stopped by anyone who threatens them and the betterment of his realm, including Cetrion and her followers.

[tempportal]

@dvarapala said: one thing they would hate anyone to know about them

okay but there are so many things five would hate for people to know about him for real. if you gave this guy a choice between spending another forty-five years in the apocalypse or suffering the mortifying ordeal of being known, he would absolutely take the apocalypse 100%. it's a testament to udyati's patience and likeability that she knows more than just his legal name.

now, seeing as five has some pretty good reasons for being so intensely private and closemouthed about himself most of the time — the majority of his life has been pretty fucking awful, to say the absolute least, and he doesn't understand why he should have to dwell on or relive the horrors he's endured when he could be putting that energy into pushing past the pain and moving on with his life instead — we're not going to be talking about any of his big or dramatic secrets that he'd never reveal on pain of death (the nonconsensual dna modification procedures that he went through at the commission and the resultant aggression cycle, his relationship with the handler, the psychological deterioration he suffered in the apocalypse) because everyone knows all that stuff, and also, it's more fun to reveal the secrets that just cause some moderate but much-deserved humiliation for five than the ones that actually upset or distress him.

so here is a short list of five's most embarrassing secrets, in no particular order:

to this day, five still instinctively thinks of diego as his older brother. he never had this problem with klaus, who he always regarded as younger than him even back when they were still growing up together, and what little Bigger Sibling Respect he had left for luther fizzled out pretty quickly as he stepped into the leader role in their dynamic, but he never quite managed to shake it with diego. number two just has this air of authority, and five's inner Little Brother can't help but respond to that, to the point that he trusts diego with their siblings' safety more than anyone else in the family. hell, he even trusts diego with his safety as well, and will often unconsciously draw closer to number two whenever he's scared. he makes up for this by constantly talking about what an incompetent idiot diego is, and how he should never be trusted in a leadership position, because five is nothing if not a neurotic bundle of cognitive dissonance.

five can't dance. no, not even a little bit. he can manage a kind of halfhearted ballroom waltz, if he absolutely has to, but that's about it, and his movements will be hilariously stiff the whole time. for a guy as graceful and agile as he is in combat, he has zero sense of rhythm. don't ever ask him to dance unless you want to crack a rib laughing at him.

five LOVES legos. he would actually literally kill himself before he would admit it and give his siblings any reasons to further infantilize him, but as someone who's committed more than his fair share of destruction in his life, five adores the opportunity to create that lego blocks offer. any constructive and hands-on activity will pique his interest, really — he picks up cooking and gardening a few years after he comes back home, because the precision and calculation and physical demands of these tasks help to calm him down and get him out of his head — but legos are especially appealing to him because he can just... play with them aimlessly, without really worrying about the end result. it doesn't really matter whether he makes a flawless replica of the empire state building, or just a simple toy car. it's about the process.

much to his chagrin, five's thirteen-year-old body is extremely ticklish. he is so so mad about this and guards this knowledge even more jealously than his love of lego blocks, as he feels it's more childish than that. luckily for him, no one (except maybe klaus) is brave enough to touch him.

once he unlocks his ability to access other timelines and starts exploring the walkway, five discovers a universe containing an alternate version of himself who was never adopted alongside his siblings or stranded in the apocalypse. this other five is thirty years old, a very successful theoretical physicist... and he's engaged to an alternate version of the handler. five is so viscerally horrified by this that it takes two weeks for him to go back to the walkway.

five loves mr. pennycrumb. this doesn't really sound like much of a secret, since everyone knows he loves his dog, but no one knows how much he truly and unabashedly spoils the hell out of that mutt. if somebody else is in the room when penny does something right, five will just pat him on the head and call him a good boy. if they're alone, five will unrestrainedly gush about what a good and smart and wonderful dog mr. pennycrumb is, and give him half a dozen treats, and scratch behind his ears, and hug him around the neck, and give him little kisses. i'm not even kidding. five is so so devoted to that dog. penny could kill someone in front of him, unprovoked and in cold blood, and five would just shrug it off and assume the guy had it coming. there is absolutely nothing mr. pennycrumb could ever do that would make five stop loving him. five has a very loyal dog, yes, but mr. pennycrumb has an equally loyal human.

five knew his siblings by their numbers much longer than he knew them by their names when he jumped to the apocalypse, so he often unconsciously thinks of them by their numbers first and their names second. this means that, when his filter is a little lower than usual — when he's tired, or upset, or frustrated, for example — he tends to use their numbers instead. this isn't a secret. what is a secret, however, is that after lila joins their family, he begins to think of her as "number eight".

thank you so much for asking!! i'm always happy to roast the hell out of five lmfao

[sqarletsworldlesswandering]

Also brain is goofing off (positive) so have one last ask for tonight.

What was that dark idea you thought of for that one Angeltober prompt, if you don't mind sharing?

Alternatively: Worldless AU where everything is the same except Aven is an angel.. an heteropolar angel. I might have sent a similar ask a long time ago-

Oh yeah, that!

Gonna address that last bit first:

I... don't know if you sent a similar one or not. I remember some "Aven is an angel" asks, dunno about the heteropolar stuff (if only cuz I hadn't spawned the term yet).

...Boy howdy that makes things interesting for Tephira and Ceren.

In my mind, heteropolarity isn't as likely to happen with Flares - it's more likely to be the result of two parents who are actively bonded with each other, as opposed to the more... happenstance occurrence behind flares.

Which means that either a) Aven is just an incredible abnormality or b) Ceren and Tephira... have... a functional relationship...??? What in the divorce AU is goin' on there- *Chosen Arrow sfx*

I also don't know how that'd affect his transcendence with Edda - he's... sorta both polarities now, which in the Conflict would get... funky. Either both sides are chill with him, neither side is chill with him, or he just... goes insane because his mind is quite literally tearing itself apart.

So uh. Poor lad. Poor lad who probably can't really transcend.

Which means the whole world is doomed.

Unless Summum does something. Which who knows, maybe he does. Yay for him if so.

As for the first bit of that question...

Uhhh, content warning for discussion of (basically) blood in borderline-cultish contexts:

So... I'm sure you noticed that in the chalice prompt, the liquid the angel is pouring out of the chalice is er... orange. I'm also sure you can guess/already know what that is.

The inspiration for that drawing was a "libation offering." If we assume that same context carries over into Eclipsed, then the idea is that in some twisted sense of vengeance or…something… Angels pour out “libations” of Darkfolk essence. It's very nearly a ritual, and is every bit a scare tactic and power display against Darkfolk. Other Starfolk can tell what type of Darkfolk the essence came from - and what more of a power move could you ask for than pouring out the lifeblood of a Daemon onto the dirt or stone of an altar like it's worthless? Or, in some cases, wearing it stained on your fingertips and wings like some sort of warpaint. (I will clarify right now though - at no point do they drink the essence. There is still enough inhibition present to recognize that that is just... absolutely horrific (and also cannibalistic if you think about it.)).

In turn, Paladins, Daemonae, and Thytklopendra (concept art to come) do the same with Angel/Lightfolk essence (and uh... in some cases cores, explanation will arrive with the concept art) given the opportunity. Except in their case it's arguably even more brutal. The Angels usually have the decency to kill their victim, then do their thing. The Darkfolk, because they want to absorb the Lightfolk and therefore need them alive, will capture the angel for someone to ascend through (already a power move unto itself, trapping an angel is no easy feat), and proceed to bleed their essence out - not enough to kill them, but enough to make a serious mess - and make their "libation."

The whole thing is just... disturbing. And I'm a little disturbed with myself right now.

Post-Conflict, both parties are absolutely horrified. They make attempts at reconciliation, but there's this lingering sense of guilt. The Paladins and co. are mortified because of the torture they put the angels through, and the Angels are horrified because of the mere fact that they outright killed the Darkfolk in question. The Darkfolk may have caused a great deal of suffering, but the Lightfolk have actual bodies on their hands and... they aren't okay.

...And with that delightful thought, I'm going to bed, and you get to see this on your dash first thing in the morning! Yay!

[breadedsinner]

Judith Banters: Anders

Judith: For what it’s worth, I am sorry about Karl.

Anders: It’s done. At least I was able to gift him a few moments of his humanity, I only wish I knew what did it, for his mind and emotions to return. Maybe then…

Judith: We were ambushed. It was never going to end well.

Anders: I suppose not.

*

Anders: I hope you won’t think it rude, but when I was healing you, I noticed a number of scars.

Judith: I have a lot; it would be strange if you didn’t notice.

Anders: And a few of them are clearly the result of magical attacks.

Judith: You and I have both been attacked by spells, as well as swords.

Anders: I just hope you don’t hold it against mages.

Judith: Don’t insult me, Anders. Do you see me swearing blood oaths against every bandit, every demon, every ogre? It’s pointless.

*

Anders: I’m beginning to see why you have so many scars. You throw yourself into battle like a catapult.

Judith: I am not some raging bull, charging without abandon. I am your frontline, striking the enemy first so that you, Varric, and the others don’t get hurt.

Anders: We’re not children, Hawke. I can suffer a few hits.

Judith: Anders, you look like a stiff breeze would topple you over.

Anders: Well, I could at least put on barriers if I had a little more time. It’s a lot less strenuous than healing.

Judith: Very well, just try to keep up.

*

Anders: I can’t believe you turned those mages over.

Judith: There was no other way.

Anders: No other way? You could have killed Thrask and let them go!

Judith: Thrask was trying to help them! And those mages had no supplies, there was no time before Ser Kerras arrived. Should I have just killed him too?

Anders: Yes, actually! A ‘nice’ templar like Thrask, or a cruel on like Kerras, they’re still participating in the torture of mages.

Judith: And then what? You think the Knight Commander wouldn’t investigate it? Why don’t I just leave a trail of breadcrumbs right to my uncle’s house, so they can throw me in jail and Bethany in the Circle?

Anders: So you admit the Circle is worst-case scenario.

Judith: That was never up for debate! We are just a few people, a few nobodys! I cannot hope to challenge anything! All I can do is look after my family.

Anders: I would have found a way.

Judith: Except you didn’t.

*

Judith: You never speak of your fellow Grey Wardens. Surely you were friends with some of them?

Anders: For a time, I suppose. There was this dwarf woman, fiery red hair. She dragged me everywhere, and she refused to let the Templars take me.

Judith: Wait… are you describing Warden Aeducan? The Hero of Ferelden?

Anders: So I am, for some reason people just called her “Warden”, so I’d forget her name sometimes.

Judith: I can’t believe you never brought this up! What was she like?

Anders: Bossy, passionate, headstrong … very busty.

Judith: Anders, show some respect!

Anders: What! She was a dwarf, I had to look down sometimes, not my fault it was just… there!

Judith: (sighs) Serves me right for trying to bond with you, I suppose.

*

Anders: He’ll never appreciate you.

Judith: I am certain I don’t know what you mean.

Anders: Sebastian will always run back to the Chantry, his safe little bubble. He’ll never chose you over Andraste.

Judith: Just as you would never choose a partner over your quest to end mage oppression.

Anders: It is NOT the same.

Judith: They both give you purpose. It would be wrong to ask someone to give that all up.

Anders: Hawke… I would … if I could just make you understand..

Judith: Enough. There is nothing between us, and whatever romantic entanglements I may or may not have are none of your business. This conversation is over.

[helenaheissner]

Book Review: “A Lady for a Duke” by Alexis Hall.

‘I see you.’ These are the words, unspoken verbatim but always felt, that run through Alexis Hall’s regency romance novel A Lady for a Duke. These are the words that, in my opinion, inform every great love story, both in fiction and in real life. That idea of someone looking at you and just KNOWING you, knowing all that you were, all that you are, and all that you could be- that’s at the heart of romance. Looking at someone’s truth and not blinking; looking at someone’s truth and accepting them as they are; that’s love.

Now, I love regency romance. And, obviously, I love love stories with trans protagonists. And while the traditional publishing industry doesn’t generally have a ton to offer on that front, one notable exception to the rule is this book. It tells the story of a noble born English trans woman who is gravely injured and presumed dead at the Battle of Waterloo, and, after convalescing in France with a lovely trans man and his wife who helpfully explain a few things, uses the opportunity to become who she has always been: Viola Carrol. Now, obviously, trans issues were not understood in the 1800s, and the English class system was gender-segregated to a truly terrifying degree, so upon returning to England and reuniting with her clueless but ultimately accepting and affirming family, Viola contents herself with a life of spinsterhood, helping raise her nephew and convincing herself she’s content with being alone.

All this changes, however, when a trip to an old friend’s manor results in a reunion between Viola and her childhood best friend Justin, a wealthy and deeply traumatized Duke suffering from festering war injuries, both physical and psychological. And at first, he doesn’t recognize her. She looks different, acts different, moves different, smells different, and besides, Justin’s friend died at Waterloo. And while Viola doesn’t contradict him at first, as Justin’s senses slowly return and the two begin spending an awful lot of time together, forging a new kind of friendship in their own right… He begins to see her. And she begins to see him.

Put simply: he’s a brooding mess with a drug problem, hiding in a castle waiting to die; and she’s a bundle of nerves drained of her former daring confidence, too afraid to let herself be happy. But within each other they see the potential for more: a dashing gentleman who will always do the right thing and needs to learn to give up control is what Viola sees in Justin, and a beautiful and fearless woman willing to sacrifice everything to live the life she’s been denied is what Justin sees in Viola. Before Justin know who she truly is, they develop a lovely flirting dynamic, and afterwards, once the shock wears off and the two actually start talking like grown-ups, you really do see two best friends coming to understand each other in new ways, even if they’re afraid of what it means. Even if they’re both convinced that they can’t be what they want to be.

Because SOCIETY.

Yes, that’s right, the real villain of this piece is not transphobia (well, mostly), but the British class system, which requires Justin to have a noble wife to ensure the security of his line. Or at least that’s the excuse Viola hides behind for most of the book, anyway. Because she’s afraid of being seen. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid that if anyone gets too close and ferrets out who and what she is, she’ll be condemned or even killed.

But this isn’t that kind of story. This is a love story about two damaged people learning about themselves and growing together. And learn and grow they do, coming together in a collection of moments that frequently left tears in my eyes. Hall’s writing handles both Viola’s gender dysphoria and Justin’s PTSD adeptly, through the blurry haze of dissociation and depression, and seeing our leads work through it and come together and get to finally, mercifully be happy together was absolutely beautiful.

The third-person narration of the novel mixes description with thought beautifully and artfully, making you see the emotion behind each word, conveying how it colors the characters’ perceptions of their surroundings and the unfolding plot. On top of that, clever, sparkling dialogue that manages to be witty in a (mostly) period accurate manner helps convey the chemistry between the two leads, as well as just being genuinely funny at points. Hall also weaves the story of these two lovestruck idiots into a broader commentary on the roles of men and women in English high society at the time, with the dark underbelly of that class system leading to several genuinely shocking twists and turns. Add into all this a very swoon-worthy bit of Regency-era bodice-ripping, some supremely cute moments of romantic squee between the leads, and a fantastic ending that conveys how far the characters have come in a manner that left a big, stupid smile on my face, and you’ve got yourself a truly great Regency romance.

It’s a fairy tale, in a lot of ways. Something like this probably never happened in real life. It probably couldn’t have happened in real life. But I don’t need it to be totally realistic. Especially in this subgenre, sometimes all I want is some wish fulfillment. The simple idea that someone like me could have gotten this kind of sweeping love story, gotten to be happy on her own terms with the man she loves, is more than enough. The idea that someone like me, someone like Viola, could truly be seen and accepted back then… Well, it’s hard for a big softie like me not to get caught up in that.

Happy reading, everyone :)

***

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[unpleasant-ghoul]

Oh, hey, look! A post by me that's not about some video game!

I don't normally post shit that's still in progress. But I like the creature and i want to share because I might never finish it (kinda complex for my current skill. Might get too frustrated by the idea/ability difference and drop. happens often)

So, here. Here is it and the whole process of how such things came to be.

This is a pseudocentaur. Those things started for me a long time ago, and it's gonna be a lot to read, so I, ever-merciful, will hide the rest under a spoiler. Here:

So. A few years ago i was reading about Nuckelavee, started sketching, ended up with this:

You can tell from the human-for-scale interacting with it, that even then it had some vague shadow of being more than just a random monster. Not quite a character, but has a potential of getting there. You can also see that that version involved no actual horses, merely a vaguely equine thing that was truly the part of the pseudocentaur. And it was fucking massive.

For a few years it remained forgotten. Then a couple months ago I found it again and decided that I like it! It's neat! But it needs some love and also some actual thought put into it.

And so I started thinking on how's and why's and also on the matter of "does this have to be so big, when my love of things that are fucking ginormous has already led me to an ever-growing number of dragon OC's with absolute MINIMUM height at shoulders being 5. Fucking. Meters?"

So after thinking for some time and drawing for some time I got this page:

(as you can see, size of the creature reduced. Greatly. Also, has actual horse now)

And a much better idea of what the fuck we even have here. And I will share that idea with you whether you want it or not. I'm in a sharing mood. Suffer.

So!

Pseudocentaurs as they are now are parasitic creatures! They infect horses (other animals of similar size can be used, but results vary. Smaller beings can be infected, but don't survive full transformation. It can be used as a way of healing in a pinch, as long as the larva is killed just as the body finished repairing the pre-existing damage before going through the whole "neck splitting open" thing). But they're sapient and generally not evil, so they tend to have standards.

Most, unless there's no choice, prefer dying or even freshly dead hosts, since a dying one gets to continue living, even if it looks gruesome, and a dead one is, well, dead. So nobody's robbed of a whole potential life of Being A Normal Horse. In the case with dead hosts, pseudocentaur takes full control over the body, while with a living host it's usually basically an idealized, fairytale version of riding... Except without ever separating again. I say usually because they're as varied as humans. Some, despite it being frowned upon, take over perfectly healthy animals and essentially pilot them around without any regard for their own wishes.

On the matter of anatomy: the host's original mouth essentially disappears. You can see that: it's just an upper jaw, no tongue, no nothing. The head is not for eating anymore, just breathing (that mass on the horse head's close-up? Extended trachea!) and providing most of the auditory information, as the parasite's hearing is not all that great. And keeping an eye out for danger. Four is better than two! Especially with, again, a living host that can spot things on its own rather than being a fancy horse-shaped periscope.

Now, how does this thing EAT? Not with the parasite's mouth! That one's just for speaking. Not all even choose to have it at all. Instead, there is a circular, fanged, maw at the joint of the host and parasite's bodies. Food (and the body is repurposed for an omnivorous diet during the transformation) has to be shoved in there with the parasite's own hands (or with someone else's. It's not rude to scrape leftovers off your plate and right into your pseudocentaur friend's waiting maw). It's not the most convenient way to eat, but it is how it is. Do it or starve.

Beyond the splitting neck, the loss of jaw, the development of the maw, and the whole "you're an omnivore, Harry" thing, there can sometimes be no changes at all, or there can be some relatively subtle (compared to everything else) stuff: keratinous plating growing on legs, sometimes lengthening of the tail. Might lose some/all fur, might not.

Pseudocentaurs reproduce through two methods: true reproduction, making a whole NEW pseudocentaur is, well. You probably guessed. Two pseuds with living hosts of opposite sexes... Yea. Results in what at first is a normal foal, but bears the pseudocentaur larva in it and transforms after the horse is more or less adult. Those born pseuds are much more in tune with their hosts and, as I've said already, are fully NEW beings. New personality, no experience, they learn as they go. Like children! Except much cuter.

The other, and more common way, is releasing a "fly" made of one's own flesh to seek a new host. The resulting "new" pseudocentaur will have the original's exact personality and same memories up to the point of separation. It can be done voluntarily, or happen on its own if the current body is too damaged. If done voluntarily, the original continues to exist, so it's basically two separate instances of the same dude, just using different hosts and being in different places.

So, there ya have it. Pseudocentaurs. Base inspiration, as mentioned at the start, is the Nuckelavee, additional inspirations for the recent changes were Necromorphs and Illithids.

[alpine-sitte]

Not the subtlest of signs. (aka some personal, recent UPG experience)

I guess I haven’t really talked much on this blog yet about my personal experiences/encounters with situations that I consider a bit too broad-hint-ish to be mere coincidences. Well, maybe it’s time to start, with the thing that happened to me a couple weeks ago and continued into the present day.

(Content Warnings, information about what to expect below: Talking about death and injury as the result of traffic accidents and workplace accidents, mentions of human and specifically animal death in the context of railway roadkill. Photos of dead birds, taken by me in relation to the specific event I discuss in this post, after the Read More. Nothing gory, though, no blood or open wounds - in fact nothing graphic at all is being shown in the photos except for the animals being very clearly dead and in an advanced stage of decay in the last photo. They were already dead when I found them. Due to the almost certain nature of their death - essentially a lightning strike - it was instant and it's safe to say they did not suffer.)

First, I want to explain the general situation of my life and why it is very heavily affected by the topic of death due to my career.

As I may have mentioned before I work for the federal railway, and part of that job reality is frequent encounters with injury and even death. Not only things that happen to me personally, but also where I’m involved in as a bystander or get told about the incident(s) by someone who was either personally affected or a direct witness. In fact, this is such a constant occurence in the average railway worker’s life that a lot of these events are told like random anecdotes in our break rooms.

The most common “victim” of the railway continues to be all sort of animals that end up being killed by the vehicles themselves or by infrastructure like the overhead power lines. Human victims are also common, probably most common among our workers since the jobs we do involve dangerous activities.

I personally don’t do any driving anymore, but I do work at a station and tend to the engines and trains there before we send them off on their way with their drivers.

So, as I do my work, I'll sometimes stumble upon dead animals by the tracks. Sometimes more literally than other times.

The other day as I was wrapping up my day shift, I walked around the back again one last time and...was met with a sight that definitely made me pause:

There's a lot of ravens and crows here, and if they touch the overhead powerlines in the wrong spot it kills them instantly. Same happens to any that cross the path of a fast moving train. It doesn't upset me and I tend not to spend much thought on it if I walk past a dead creature. But it's pretty unusual to see two of them suffer that fate at once. Like I said I was wrapping up my shift so I just walked on and back to the quarters and wondered about these two.

A coworker told me that he also saw them on the ground, and he claimed that he saw them being struck by lightning a couple hours prior. Hard to say if he saw actual lightning from the sky or "just" the spark from the powerline. I did see some charring on the wooden ties of the tracks below, but I don't know if that was there before already or new. The fact that the crows' legs were mangled pretty badly suggests to me that they could have caused a short-circuit by sitting on the powerline where its isolated parts meet the live parts (as is the case at the power poles that I found them by). Sitting only on the live parts or the isolated parts doesn't harm them, but getting too close to the transitional part does. It happens often. Either way, the details don't matter all that much, I think.

Back home, I told a friend about this since it definitely felt like a meaningful incident in some way. If this was a sign of some sort, I wasn't sure what to take away from it.

But the more I thought about it, the more I also thought about how my life has changed in significant ways in the past months (for the better, for once) and how I've been slowly able to let go of my resentment for these changes that felt out of my control and unfair at first. For the first time in six months or so, I've been slowly able to let my negative feelings about the recent events go. Of course the feelings of being wronged and set up for failure were resilient and when they would surface again, I would question whether I really should "settle for" what I have. Or if I should try to keep the flame of my resentment alight, even if there was no realistic chance for me to achieve what I was convinced I truly wanted. All I've been achieving is ruining my mood and making myself feel bitter about things that have long passed.

So when I came back to work the following week and saw that the two dead crows were still there in the same spot but now slowly decaying as the slugs and beetles thrived on their meat, I felt that I understood what I needed to do, both on a symbolic level and on a very tangible one.

I took a bucket and picked them up carefully, and looked for a suitable spot nearby to put them to rest. In a niche behind one of the power poles that probably killed them, I found a pile of twigs that reminded me of a nest, and that felt like just the right place.

(I'm glad I thought to use a bucket instead of my hands even though I was wearing my work gloves, because after I took out the birds, there was a whole swarm of bugs left behind in the bucket. I made sure to deposit them onto the twigs as well, so that they may continue their funeral banquet in the new location after the brief interruption.) They're not bothering anyone there and during each of my shifts since, I make sure to visit them and remind myself of how the possible future I had to abandon is nevertheless being replaced by a different future that may be just as bright, if not brighter. The feelings and hopes that died with that other future won't simply disappear and I'll occasionally still have to linger and grieve for them, but there's no point in letting resentment and "what-ifs" control my present. It shouldn't keep me from enjoying what I have, being grateful for all the people I was able to meet and the experiences I made, as well as being hopeful for what the path ahead may still hold.

The worldly journey of these two crows may have ended at this final station for them, but I no longer feel like my life's journey has found a dead end here. After all, no train that arrives here stays forever, either - not even the ones that call this station their final destination.

Safe travels to these spirits, and whenever they should find themselves at this station once more, they are always welcome to join me here behind the tracks and rest for a while - until they are ready to start their journey anew.

Wrapping up this post, I probably don't need to point it out to the (presumably) mostly heathen audience of this blog that the two crows are almost a textbook example of how I'd imagine a sign from Odin/Wotan to look like. I'm always a bit hesitant to "default" to interpreting anything I experience as a sign from Odin in particular, which probably sounds silly and defiant. But it's not that I somehow resent the old man or refuse to acknowledge the possibility of him trying to throw some helpful hints my way. My feelings on the matter are a bit more complex than that. I'll probably make a separate post about this topic since it deserves more space than a footnote on another post. The gist is simply that I'm trying not to miss the forest for the trees by considering other options/sources/explanations/entities first instead of immediately looking at the most "obvious" and calling it a day. I'm not ruling out the possibility of his involvement at all (even "just" partial involvement), but to me this particular incident seems similar in "style" and circumstances as some other recent ones that I'm tentatively ascribing to some other sort of entity that I'm only starting to get a proper impression of. It's too soon for me to determine its identity with certainty.

[trust-and-jump]

REGARDING MY REVERSE ROBINS TIM: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?

Tim: "Why not?"

Okay, my Tim is still learning

Adding to this post (and exactly "Tim was the little psycho just like many young children that you hate are") , I'd like to say that Tim being a very cynical and cold person before he re-joins the Bats and Birds is not just a result of him being dunked in a Lazarus Pit or Ra's al Ghul's attention. It's in the other circumstances: he didn't exactly mature, he didn't learn fully to feel what many other people start to feel long before 14 years. And while he, in fact, did suffer, died and all, it doesn't help, you know? It doesn't actually teach you emotions, but it did make him think that: so I'm mature now, I've seen some shit, it makes me a better judge, I know better and all that.

like. If I got separated from my family before I started to feel for real, before I started to care about people, I would be like him. Only he's deadlier and has dangerous skills, because Batman growing little crime fighters (criminals) in his luxurious garden is something you should be scared of.

so. you would ask: "how can he be the known League Assasin and actually Ra's Herald/Harbinger and not to be mature? how can he be ROBIN/SHRIKE person and not to be mature? you just confuse emotional maturity with following your standards!"

I'll answer: he can. if the last time I wanted to kill a person (and it didn't even matter which person, even a family member, even my mother, or my sister; I had no borders at all and the only thing between me and some horrific crimes was just me not wanting to risk a punishment or literal laziness; still, I did many unnecessary but bad things, just like many teens did) I was older than him when he died, and the same age when he started in the League... he can.

He didn't break the borders. He just didn't ever get them.

and it's important, for me. he didn't even process his parents' deaths (well, considering he died soon after his father did...). Even though he feels he misses them a lot, it just didn't have any impact on how he sees relationships and family. At all.

LOOK.

Again: don't get me wrong, both me and my Tim did feel emotions, had empathy (and it's INFURIATING to think now about how I just KNEW how feels beating someone up or what some person was thinking about when did something, but NOT knowing why someone would worry about me (didn't know WHAT worry means, WHAT is it, "WHY all the people surrounding me FEEL something I can't even UNDERSTAND, WHY the other people, even all my age, are so different, WHAT am I missing, AM I just smarter, AM I just the only one who has the right to do something that is not socially accepted? Are they just consumed by society standards? What, really, should stop me from killing someone, or r*ping someone, or something else, except the fact that I just don't always want to do something and therefore it's not worth the risk? Is there anything I can't do when I really want to? Why is stealing bad? Why do people feel compassion? Why am I wrong if I don't feel the same things other do?"), why does the worry become anger, or that love and consern for someone exist outside of weird conversations some people have - I don't mean romantically, because these days I still don't feel like romantical things exist yet) and all. Got angry when saw group of teens torturing a kitten. Felt proud of some accomplishments. Embarrassed when something didn't go right in public. Playing with other kids. Feeling joy, and fear, and (no sadness. just the feeling something's missing. maybe just sadness transforming to something else too quickly to be recognised), pityness, wanting to avenge, and other things.

Not emotionless, obviously.

Just not feeling anything that actually matters when it comes to your relationships with people. When you keep people around you just because you're used to them being there, talking to you, because they're the part of your surroundings. Not feeling anything about them for real. Not even missing them the way you're supposed to, when far away for long (only missing places or actions or company or missing that you don't have to build new relationships). But knowing that if you want to change this status quo it's way too easy to do it. Because everyone once thought it, even if they don't remember it: it's so damn easy to do wrong, WHY keep people worry about doing it if it's so easy to do it?

It IS childish, in a bad way. (And any person can regress to this, under the right circumstances). And while I snapped out of it when I turned, I don't know, 16 or 17 maybe, (this was looong overdue, but I'm glad, because I was old enough to actually realise how my mind, my view, my feelings had changed), like so many others did,... some people--- didn't.

And my Tim didn't, too.

So by the time he's lucid again and not shocked or overwhelmed, after waking up, reanimated, talking to Ra's, being in the League, it's just a question of "Why not?"

It's not like he has some special kind of bond with Gotham. Why not to accept getting some new skills, why not to accept some new knowledge, why not to accept some interesting work while (and HERE al Ghul's whisperings are) helping the organization lead by a cool, charismatic person who is ancient enough to see what world should be and how to achieve that? It's not like Tim cares about the world, though (most of people don't). It's just one of the points why he should accept all of this. So he does.

And it's not even a tough choice. Not even driven by anger or something.

Just freedom.

[lady-of-the-spirit]

ohhh please tell me your thoughts about Princess Mononoke, i've only seen it once (fairly recently) but i'd love to hear someone's thoughts other than my mom who didnt "get" it

anon I've had this in my inbox for a couple of months now because I've been trying NOT to go on a whole rant about the movie and have something coherent to say. but I was thinking about it last night as I was answering other asks and I've got something to say.

the post that I think inspired this ask was a result of me watching Brother Bear for the first time with some friends and one of them (knowing I love the movie) called it the American Princess Mononoke which (even based on my basic knowledge of BB) I called bs on. (I loved the movie don't worry but it was wildly different from Princess Mononoke). But anyway, after the movie was over we kept talking about Princess Mononoke and we started on Lady Eboshi and I remembered that some people have different interpretations on her than I do (and the movie itself does).

The way the movie deals with morality is so interesting, especially in how it intersects with the theme of nature vs civilization. Because it could be seen as a kind of standard, "save the forests, civilization is bad and evil" lesson. And that would be valid. the plot kicks off because Lady Eboshi brought in her guns and rifles and killed one of the forest gods and Nago ended up cursing Ashitaka. the massacre led by the samurai, killing off all those villagers. Iron Town itself, destroying the entire mountain and Lady Eboshi eventually killing the Forest Spirit. It's demonstrated over and over again that humans are Shit and destroying nature. it would have been so easy portray humans and their civilizations as the villains here.

Except it's more complicated than that. Because the people who are making up Iron Town are essentially refugees from the rest of civilization, people who have been forgotten in the rest of the world - brothel girls, lepers. Lady Eboshi comes along with her warriors and her rifles, and she destroys the mountain, kills the forest and the boars, but she also creates a safe haven for the people who were at risk. she creates a society where these people can live freely and also where they don't have to live in fear of whoever is in charge. everyone respects her but also they don't fear her, the women and lepers can joke and talk freely as much as they want.

And what's more, is that Lady Eboshi is shown to not just be using them, she actually wants to help them. She wants to heal her lepers and keep their town safe, training her girls to use the rifles so they can defend themselves when they need to. I think the scene that shows this best is the scene where she introduces Ashitaka to the lepers for the first time. They walk into the building and Ashitaka - himself carrying a sickness, shown to be kind and compassionate contrasting Eboshi's ruthlessness - is immediately on guard when he sees the lepers inside, while Eboshi walks straight inside and interacts with them without a care in the world, and apologizes for working them so hard and gives them wine. She cares about these people and she wants to give them a cure, and failing that, then a place where they can live their lives safely. Even the ones who can't help - Osa, the one with the "life is suffering, but you still find reasons to keep living" speech, is shown to be very sick and resting, and when he speaks it's treated as a surprise - are treated kindly, they aren't kicked out because they can't do anything for her.

And this still doesn't change the fact that she and her civilization is destroying the land, but it does change the tone. She's not doing it for no real reason, or simply for power. She's creating a safe haven for people ignored or downtrodden by society. She kills the forest spirit, she destroys the forest - even if she encourages a path with no loss of (human) life, she intends to destroy it slowly and surely - she leads to Ashitaka being cursed and could have lead to who knows how many other demons being born. She stands for civilization itself and what happens when it expands without concern for nature.

But she also creates this moral conundrum of what you do in a situation where you and the people who follow you - who you care about - don't have anywhere else to go and live freely. And it brings up the question of what things you're willing to do to get you and your people that safety. And I love the complexity of the situation because it turns the movie into more than just man vs nature. I mean, it still is, but it becomes so much more complicated in how we solve the problem. And the answer isn't one or the other, it has to be both.

(I have a concern that people are going to take this as me defending colonization or something and I just want it clear that I don't.)

[nathank77]

11/11/24

6:39 p.m

So I've been thinking, I have anxiety about all the things I wrote about still but at least for now they are at bay even though I think I'm having heart palpitations atm.. I am still very unsure about what to do about my chlorestoral. My muscles aren't that sore from the gym.. at least yet.. and I really stepped it up. I've had a few spasms but only a few.

I'm glad I'm presumably doing it safely. Wednesday I can add another 3-5 workouts to my routine. Sooner rather than later imma be spending like 5 hours there at a time.

I wish I knew what the right decision about my chlorestoral was. If I take the statin say tonight and I get spasms I'll blame it all on the statin even if I ended up getting them without the statin but I wouldn't know bc well.... I mean... I can't do two different things and see the results unfortunately. I'm def waiting on this decision for a while. I'm wondering if the gym and cutting down on cheese will be at all helpful.

I'm going to need cigarettes soon. I really got to cut down. I don't want to go to new Hampshire anytime soon but it's coming up really soon... it sucks. I'd quit if I could leave this house and get an apartment and get away from my mother and the dog. If I could find a gf.

I also have been thinking about my gauges bc as I was overanalyzing it trying to buy them... I was like am I too old for them? I mean i go what if girls don't like me bc I'm short, or bc I'm bald, or bc I wear glasses. I've never thought about if my gauges have anything to do with it... I've had them since I was like 14.... so I mean they really feel like a part of me. It isn't hard to size down but last time I did it only shrunk to a double zero... so it would never go back to normal. Idk if I want it to shrink to begin with.

All I know is Stacey hated them. Jon hated them. Cecile I think thought they were hot but hated the smell. I'm not sure if she hated them but I think she was the only person i dated to actually think they were hot...

Katie had double zeros so she was indifferent to mine. They weren't hot or ugly. I just wonder if maybe i shouldn't be wearing them. But then again they really are apart of who I am.

People get tattoos. Sleeves and all that and they can't really remove them if they think they look unattractive later (i mean there is laser but it's expensive and you get my point.) However tattoos are considered hot even if the tattoos are fucking fucked up. My sisters tattoos are all bad except three. She has three really nice fucking tattoo, only 3 and the rest are really fucking bad yet everyone compliments them. People think she's hot bc of her tattoos they don't care that most of them look like a 10 year drew them.

Tattoos are considered hot regardless of content, quality, or anything mostly. Gauges were really big when I was a teenager. And then they slowly phased out. Idk. But I know two out of four of my exes thought they were hidiuos...... so idk maybe they aren't attractive?

Also as stupid as this sounds I still got to believe there is hope for me and the girl of my dreams. Even if there isn't bc I don't have anything to live for. Other than me and with the way my living situation changed once Riley got here... I mean I actually feel like I have two options suffer until I just can't anymore and then kill myself. Or just do it now while I still have some form of a quality of life.

I just want someone to hold my hand through a few procedures and show up for me and not give up on me. Idc if me and her are just friends it's not enough to stay alive but it's enough to keep me trying. Idk if that makes sense.... like if we ended up together it'd be entirely enough to keep trying. Family dinners, family movies, all that is a dream. But as friends I mean it isn't enough to keep me here but if she were to show up it might make the difference in the short term to have a place to go and be cared about. To have someone to be there for me sometimes. I just want someone to hold my hand during the biopsy. To be there for me for the hysterectomy and I mean repatha. I'd like someone to give me advice even. But I have no one.

Christmas is going to suck this year if it snows. Thanksgiving is going to suck if I don't go to my dad's. I just want a place to go

I just want someone to be there for me. I just want someone to talk to. I just want to find a place where I belong bc it isn't here.