#rest in piss Kevin dunn

[oplishin]

I don’t want that title Seth, I need it. // You fucking deserve it, man.

(December 18, 2023; April 7, 2024)

[queenlegacyproductions]

Royally Bitter Tension

Summary: Riley Carter is back again in the Mixed Match Challenge to defend her crown as the first and reigning Mixed Mixed Challenge Champion. Unfortunately for The Goddess Queen, her partner Kevin Owens is currently out of action due to a severe knee injury caused by Bobby Lashley, one of her opponents in the first round, Country Dominance with Mickie James. In order for Riley to compete and defend her title as the Mixed Match Challenge Champion, she would have to team up with The Bruiserweight, Pete Dunne to do so. However, it’s a lot harder than it sounds. And it gets even harder when Riley tells him off one too many times about his bad attitude. Is the tension between The Raw Women’s Champion and The United Kingdom Champion really animosity?

‘I’m gonna kill both Bobby and that little mothball of his when I get my hands on them.’ Riley thought as she fiercely marched to the office of the acting general manager Baron Corbin with the fury only a Goddess Queen is capable of having after watching what had happened just a few minutes ago.

Bobby had attacked Kevin viciously after he beat him. But that’s not even the tip of the iceberg that sunk this whole Titanic into the sea of Bullshit. It was the news of Kevin cannot compete in The Mixed Match Challenge due to not one knee injury but two knee injuries.

Yeah, The Raw Women’s Champion is not a happy camper.

Riley finally makes it to Baron’s office when she walks in without knocking, seeing Baron texting.

“Corbin!” Riley yelled at him as she walks into his office. “You want to explain to me what the hell that was out there?!”

Baron rolls his eyes at the irate strawberry red headed woman that now stood in front of him. “Explain what, Riley?”

Riley sputtered in disbelief at his question. “Really? Did you not watch the show? The show that you’re running until Kurt comes back? And you’re helping the show run  lot more smoothly than Kurt.” Riley guffaws sarcastically at the last statement. “Jesus christ.”

“I would watch what you say next, Riley.” Baron threatened her. “I don’t think Stephan-.”

“Corbin, stop. Stephanie doesn’t scare me. I scare her, okay? Pretty sure she wouldn’t want to confront me after the shit I put her through.” Riley laughed. “Besides, she’ll tell you that I’m not the one to try because I can be a pain in someone’s ass, especially ones of authority figures.” Riley warns him. This quiets the once-was lone wolf. “Now, be a good boy and tell me what do you plan on doing about lashley and that little moth of his?”

“Well, I’ll tell he can do.” An annoying voice said behind Baron. Riley rolled her eyes in annoyance as Lio Rush appeared behind Corbin with Bobby and Mickie behind him.

“What my man, the acting general manager of Raw can do is have my man, my man who looks like money and smells like money, the man that came back to dominate, my man Bobby Lashley and his Mixed Match Challenge partner Mickie James proceed in the tournament since you, Ms. Carter, do not have a tag team partner.”

“So you want me to forfeit?”

“That’s right.”

“Oh, you must be out of your damn mind if you think i’m gonna forfeit to those two losers behind you, ya little-.”

“Riley, stop it.” Baron cuts her off. “Lio does have a point. You don’t have a partner for the challenge. But i’m not gonna have you forfeit.” He said quickly before she could protest. “Instead, i’m gonna tell you who your partner will be for the Mixed Match Challenge.”

“Who?” Riley asked before there was a knock at the door. Baron smirks at her.

“I think it’s best if I showed you.” He tells her before he tells whoever’s at the door that it’s open. The door opens up to reveal Pete Dunne, Tyler Bate, and Trent Seven. Riley quirks up an eyebrow in confusion.

“British Strong Style?” She asked.

“One member of the British Strong Style will be your partner for the Mixed Match Challenge since the NXT UK division will be apart of the Raw brand. And since Tyler and Trent are currently busy with the tag team tournament that’s taking place tomorrow, that leaves Pete to be your partner.” Baron explained. Lio laughs at the news.

“Really? You’re gonna have Pete team with Riley?” Lio laughs. “You sure you don’t want to forfeit?” Before Riley could respond to the Man of The Hour, a voice beats her to it.

“That’s a good question, Rush.” Pete spoke as he stood beside Riley, title over his shoulder. “You sure you guys don’t want to forfeit before we break your fingers?” The question made Riley snicker.

“I think you should be careful, Bobby. This one likes to bite.” She playfully warns him with a giggle. Bobby steps closer to Riley threateningly but Pete steps in front of  her. The two men stare each other before Bobby and Co. walk away. Riley and the boys leave as well. As the fellas start to walk away from her, she speaks up to Pete.

“Hey, Pete.” She says as she grabs his arm. He turns around, annoyed at the contact. Riley quickly releases her grip on his arm, suddenly intimidated. “I just wanted to say thank you for standing up for me in there. I appreciate it.” Pete then turns to face her head on.

“I wasn’t standing up for you. I didn’t want them getting any ideas that they should take me lightly. I was making a statement, not watching your back.” Pete said with a harsh edge to his words. The gaze he held on her made her nervous which she hated thus pissing her off.

“Hey, no need to get snippy, Sourpuss.” She snapped at him. “In case you haven’t noticed, we’re gonna be teammates which means we have to get along. And in order for this ship to sail in Shit’s Creek properly, I’mma need for you to check yo attitude before ya board because it ain’t allowed on Captain Carter’s Ship Of No Bullshit. Okay, Sweetiekins?” She asked him before she twists her face in a snarl. She didn’t wait for him to answer as she turns around and walks away from him, hips swaying fiercely as she heads over to her locker room. Pete’s upper lip turns up into a similar snarl as he watches her walk away from him as Tyler and Trent laugh at him.

“That’s like the first time I ever have heard absolute silence from you in a confrontation.” Tyler says as he laughs harder with Trent.

“Shut up.” Pete mutters lowly in his deep voice and walks away from his best friends who were still laughing like hyenas.

The next day, Pete arrives at the arena. Since Riley told him off, The two members of Mustache Mountain had noticed that Pete hasn’t been the same since then. The man was more non-approachable than ever before. He’d grunt a response for every question thrown at him more so than usual. The 5’5” Goddess Queen  had rubbed The Bruiserweight the wrong way. Pete had walked into his locker room, shut and locked the door as he shed his street clothes and snapback to get ready for the mixed tag match. His mind then goes back to Riley.

‘Just who the hell she thinks she is? She thinks she can talk to me in any kind of way?’ He thought as he walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower. He growled as he remembers the confrontation between him and his tag team partner.

‘Fucking woman with her big mouth, her attitude. But she is cute.’ Pete smirks at he remembers her shape. ‘Her lips, her tits, her hips, her ass, her thighs. Everything about her is so plump. I just wanna bite all of it. Just eat her up. Maybe she’d be less attitudinal when I’m head first between them thighs.’ Pete chuckles at the thoughts of her as his early Thanksgiving meal as he strips out the rest of his clothing and gets in the shower. Meanwhile, Riley was in her locker room, changing into her costume ring gear that was inspired by DC Character Zatanna Zatara. As she grabs her top hat, there was a knock on her door.

“It’s open!” She yelled out as she dusts off her hat. She turns around to see Tyler and Trent walk in. “Oh, hey fellas.” She walks over to Tyler to hug him before she goes to hug Trent. “Where’s Pete?” She asked.

Tyler sighs before he answers. “Pete’s here but he’s a little more bitter than usual. I think he really didn’t like being told off like that.” Riley rolls her eyes at the news.

“Well, he better start liking it. I heard of his bad attitude before. I’m not dealing with his attitude nor am I babysitting his goddamn ego. It’s hard enough work to properly stroke and maintain my own damn ego.” This gets a chuckle from another voice. The trio turns towards the door to see Pete standing at the door with a smirk.

“I’m pretty sure that’s true, Carter.” He said as he steps into the room. He stops right in front of her.“But you are aware of pride coming before the fall, aren’t ya sweetheart?” he asked, his tone getting lowly in a threatening yet teasing tone in his voice. He smirks as he notices her shiver at the question but just as quick she shivered, her brown eyes lit up with fury.

“Oh, I know, Petey. That’s why I’m the Raw Women’s Champion and I won it in the first tournament that Raw had when it was first vacated. Until some people who lost in the first-ever United Kingdom Championship Tournament to his best friend in the finals.” Riley gives him a sickly sweet smile as she speaks her words of venom at the current United Kingdom Champion. Pete squares up his shoulder as his upper lip turns up, that signature snarl of his making its presence be known. Despite that feeling of intimidation coming to rear its ugly head back in her mind, she pushes it down as she smirks at the now fuming Bruiserweight. She tilts her head to the side in a feint innocent motion.

“Aww, what’s the matter, sourpuss?” Riley says the mocking nickname like Daffy Duck this time. “Don’t like me taking the piss out of ya? It gets under your skin, doesn’t it? You want to hit me, do ya?” She asked, taunting him. Pete steps closer to her, their faces now just at least than an inch away from each other. They hold that position for a few moments before a stagehand knocks on the door. Pete ends up growling at the poor soul before he stomps out of the room to head for gorilla. Trent and Tyler looks to Riley with deep concern. Riley playfully rolls her eyes at the two men’s faces.

“If things go right, Petey will be so mad at me to the point that he takes it out on little Bob.” Riley smirks at the two brits before she grabs her title and walks over to gorilla. She wraps her title around her waist before she hears the first few notes of Six Shooter by Coyote Kisses rattles the arena to its core at the crowd’s reaction. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xkFZn4oPMqE

“And here comes the first ever Mixed Challenge Champion. The Raw Women’s Champion. The Goddess Queen, Riley Carter.” Michael said at the commentary.

“Riley, the champ, here to defend her crown here tonight…” Renee said as Pete’s theme song plays as Riley waits on the stage for him, smirking at Country Dominance. “....but she has new backup in the form of The United Kingdom Champion.”

“That’s right, Renee. It’s not Kevin Owens, her original partner since Kevin suffered severe injuries in both knees at the hands of one Bobby Lashley who Pete will face tonight on Mixed Match Challenge.” Vic said as Pete did his usual bit with his fists to his chin with the title between his teeth as Riley takes off her hat, giving the crowd a bow before she puts it back on.

“The two teams facing off against each other tonight are Country Dominance, the team of Mickie James and Bobby Lashley and The new team of Pete Dunne and Riley Carter who calls themselves The Bruiser Legacy.”  Michael speaks as Riley sits on the ring ropes as Pete poses again in the ring right beside her. They both looked at each other with a smirk as Pete helped her inside the ring, glancing at her ass as she steps inside.

Riley and Pete managed to take control of the match since Peter bend, yanked, snapped, stomped, and even bit Bobby’s fingers in the very beginning of the match. However, Lio had distracted him which allowed Bobby to take control for the rest of the match but Riley turns the tides when she tagged herself in much to Pete’s displeasure. At some point in the match, she manages to tag Pete back in who takes the reins smoothly from where Riley left off, gaining some much needed momentum. Pete was setting up for the bitter end when Lio got on the apron to distract the ref. As Lio was distracting the ref, Riley quickly dispatches of Mickie at ringside as she slides in the ring. Riley then picks up Bobby and sets him up and hits her version of the GTS which causes Bobby to pop up to his feet which allows Pete to hit the Bitter End for the victory for The Bruiser Legacy. While Riley goes to raise Pete’s hand in victory, he snaps away from her.

“What the hell was that, Carter?!” He yelled at her. Riley rolls her eyes at him.

“A victory, Petey. You know winning?” she sarcastically replied.

“I meant that GTS, Carter. I didn’t need that! I had him-”

“-Almost beat us! Yeah, I noticed that. That’s why i got involved. After all, I was just making a statement.” Riley snapped at him using his words. “And my statement is that in this partnership, I am the one wearing the pants, okay? After all, they’re too big for a little boy like you.” Riley walked away from him again, leaving him in the ring as she goes back to her locker room which thankfully was empty.

About an hour later, Riley arrives at the hotel that everyone was staying and checks in at the front desk before going to her hotel room which was the penthouse suite.

‘Nice…’ Riley thought as she walks to the elevator. ‘Spacious place and a big comfy bed. Yes.’ She waits for the elevator and gets on when it arrives. Right before it closes again, a hand gets in between the door which makes the elevator to open again and reveal the last face Riley wanted to see right now. At least, that’s what she wanted to believe.

“Couldn’t wait for the next elevator, Dunne?” Riley asked him dryly. This gets a smirk out of him.

“No. Not really.” He responded as he boards the elevator. “Besides, i believe this is the perfect place to do this.” Riley’s face turns to one of confusion as he stops the elevator.

“Do wha-?” Before she could ask the question, she squeals as Pete manages to back her up against the wall of the elevator with one hand around her jaw.

“To do this.” He taunted her as he makes her look at him, that same look that had intimidated her in the past. Pete chuckles at her frightened reaction.

“Oh. Is someone scared now if what I gonna do to you, Queenie?” Pete taunted her, pleased with her reaction. However, Riley’s eyes hardened with defiance but Pete continues.

“No, you’re not scared.” He leans closer to her. “You’re turned on.”  Riley’s eyes widened at the statement.

“What?” She asked breathlessly as Pete moves his hand from her jaw to her neck. He tightens his grip a little which makes the strawberry redheaded women’s champion whimper much to his amusement.

“You heard me, Queenie.” Pete said as he presses his hard body against her plump body, making her breath quicken. “You’re turned on. You’re turned for me, aren’t ya?” He chuckles again well he doesn’t get a response from her. “I bet you’re so fucking wet for me, my little luv.”

Riley’s fiery attitude makes its appearance for the first time in the encounter. “Probably not since you’re not anything spec-.” She gasps out suddenly cutting off her sentence due to Pete’s knee rubbing against her pussy through her panties.

“There you go again, trying to give Daddy lip.” Riley whines and bit her lip as Pete simultaneously squeezes her neck and presses his knee harder against her pussy. “I know you want this, Riley. And I’m willing to give it to you.” Pete takes hold of her jaw again this time gently to have her look at him. “But only if you’re willing to be a good little girl and listen to Daddy.” He could see the conflict in her eyes. “It wouldn’t be weakness if you do give in, Darlin’. In fact, you’d be showing strength by letting me take the reins and you know why?”

“No..”

“Because that shows me that you trust me with your pleasure, luv.” Pete runs his thumb across her bottom lip. “And that’s all I want, baby. All I want is to please you. That’s why I was so upset earlier. I wanted to beat Bobby on my own to impress you. To prove that I can be there for you. For anything, my darlin’ goddess.” Riley sighs at the news, now feeling like an asshole. She goes to apologize but Pete stops her with a soft kiss on her lips. She whimpers into the kiss and she runs her fingers through his hair as she pulls him closer. They pull away once their lungs began to burn due to lack of oxygen.

“It’s alright, luv. I’m not mad anymore. Not after I figured you out. But you still..” He pauses to kiss her lips again. “..Haven’t.” Kiss on her jawline. “Answered.” Kiss on her neck. “Daddy.” Kiss behind her ear before he sucks on her earlobe.

“Yes. Yes, Daddy. Please, Daddy.”  She begged him, clawing at his shoulders.

“Mmm, good girl.” Pete restarts the elevator as it takes them to the penthouse suite in the hotel. Pete picks her legs around his waist as he kisses her lips again. He takes her off the wall of the elevator and carries her to the bedroom to place her on the bed. Pete moves his kisses down to her neck and collarbone as he undos the buttons on her shirt. Riley moans loudly as Pete bites her neck when he gets her shirt. This makes him laugh, his voice becoming deeper with lust as he admires the red lace bra that currently housed her huge breasts. He runs his hands gently over them, making the redhead moan and squirm under his touch.

“Red looks really good on you. Makes your skin glow.” Riley whimpered when he cups them, squeezing them. “But then again, knowing you, you could make anything look good.” He leans down to suck her nipples through her bra.

“Pete…” Riley whines as he gives both nipples a pinch before he sits back up. She shrieks as he rips the bra from her, her breasts bouncing at his roughness. “Peter!”

“I would apologize for that but it wouldn’t be sincere.” He laughs before he kissed her lips which were frowning since he just ruined her favorite bra. “It’s ok, luv. I’ll buy you more.” He continues to kiss down her body to her skirt. “Especially since that’s gonna be my new habit of mine.” He smirks at her shy reaction. “Does Queenie like that idea?” he smiles.

Riley nods her head, returning his smile. “Yes, I do.” She moans as Pete bites her hips by the waistline of her skirt. “Hey, what am I? A piece of candy?” She asked him as he pulls off her skirt.

“Well, you do look like caramel candy.” Pete complimented her as he kisses up her legs to her inner thighs. “A wet caramel candy at that.”

Riley throws her head back as Pete licks a strip from her opening to her clit. “Ah, fuck!” She screamed as her back arched up in pleasure when Pete sucks on her clit.

Pete growled as she bucked her hips in his face. “That’s it, luv. Ride my fucking face. Feed me that sweetness.” He smacked her ass which made her wetter and pant faster. “Fuck, you’re fucking dripping everywhere, Darlin’.” Pete then licks his fingers and puts them in her pussy. “And it’s fucking tight, too.”

Riley moans wantonly as Pete fingers her pussy faster, making her legs shake as she suddenly cums hard on his fingers. “Oh, shit Daddy! Daddy!”

“Yes, good girl! Good girl.” Pete said as he slows his pace down to clean up her juices. “Fuck, you taste so good.” he mutters as he takes off his jacket and shirt before he kisses up her body, climbing on top of her as he does. Riley runs her hands up Pete’s chest and shoulders before he takes them in his, intertwining their fingers as he pins them to the bed.

“There will be another time for you to survey the goods but right now, I just want you.” Pete said, kissing her again before he slips inside her. Riley gasps as Pete stretches her out. Pete smirks at her face. Her eyes were half-lidded and she was panting heavily.

“Daddy, move. Please, please fuck me. Fuck me hard. I want it. I want it rough.”  She begged him as she wraps her legs around his waist, her heels digging into his lower back. Pete growled as he pulls out her pussy before he thrusted hard back inside, making her squeal with his rough pace. “Oh, fuck yes Daddy! Yes!”

Pete growls as he moved her legs from around his waist to his shoulders without once losing his pace. “Fuck, luv. You’re squeezing m’ cock so good. Shit! You like it? You like it when I fuck you like this? Huh? When daddy fucks you like a little slut?”

Riley giggles, loving his dirty talk. “You mean your little slut, Daddy?” She asked him which makes him smirk.

“That’s right, my beautiful slut.” he said as he puts one of his hands around her neck, squeezing it and groaning as her pussy squeezes him tighter as he does. “Bloody hell, Riley! You’re squeezing me tighter. You wanna cum for me?” Riley nods her head but it was enough to please Pete. Instead, he smacks her ass and squeezes her neck tighter. “Answer me, Queenie.”

“Y-Yes! Yes, Daddy. I wanna cum! Please let me cum!” Riley whimpered. Pete lets go of her neck and leans closer to her face.

“Look at me as you cum for me. Right now. Cum for me. Right. Now!” He commanded. Riley screamed, fighting the urge to close her eyes as she reaches her peak, drenching his dick and the bed sheets with her juices. Her intense orgasm was enough to trigger Pete’s as he fills her pussy with load after load of his seed. He kissed her as they both come down from their prospective highs. The silence was broke by Riley who speaks in a sleepy tone.

“I love you, Sourpuss.” Pete smiles at her before he kisses her again, rolling off of her.

“I love you too, Queenie.” He responds as he spoons her from behind.

“I guess we’re together then?” She playfully asks as she looks at him with a smirk.

“Looks like we’re gonna round two because apparently I didn’t hit that pussy right for you to still be awake.” She shrieks before she giggles as Pete snatches her up on top of him.

@gold--gucciempress @tacoshu @evilangel84 @nerdlife0612 @melinated-moon-goddess @wwevampireamongkpop @littledeadrottinghood @superrezzy00 @caramara3 @ladytea19 @pikapuff316 @bucky-bliss @scuzmunkie  

[junker-town]

TITLELESS: 16 NBA championship contenders who weren’t good enough

The cold, hard reality of the NBA Playoffs is that only one team can be champion. These 16 teams weren’t quite good enough.

The cold, hard reality of the NBA Playoffs is that only one team can be champion. That means that countless great and memorable teams have suffered the unfortunate fate of running into an opponent that’s just a bit better. Meet the 16 teams of the Not Good Enough Division.

APRIL 13: 16 teams that flamed out early in the playoffs APRIL 14: 16 “Overachievers” COMING THURSDAY: 16 teams who were robbed or had their era cut short

16. 1996-97 Atlanta Hawks

ERA: Dikembe’s Hawks

RECORD: 56-26

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +5.4

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in second round to Chicago Bulls (4-1)

KEY STAR(S): Dikembe Mutombo

COACH: Lenny Wilkins

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Mookie Blaylock, Steve Smith, Christian Laettner, Tyrone Corbin, Alan Henderson, Eldridge Recasner, Henry James, Jon Barry

OTHERS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: None

Once upon a time, the Atlanta Hawks were a free-agent destination. At least they were for Dikembe Mutombo, a young, shot-blocking center who wore out his welcome in Denver. Mutombo seemed headed to Phoenix in a three-team sign-and-trade that would’ve sent Charles Barkley to Houston, but the deal fell apart when Mutombo asked the Suns for more money. Detroit initially jumped to the front of the line, but Atlanta ended up winning the war with a seven-year, $70 million contract offer.

The money was the biggest factor in Mutombo’s decision, but Atlanta also won Mutombo over by promising a bigger offensive role and rewarding close friend Steve Smith with a fat new contract of his own. “I’m much happier, but poorer,” team president Stan Kasten ominously said after retaining Smith. “He was really hard on us, that’s all I’m going to say.”

Atlanta got better the next season, improving by 10 wins and even taking a game off the mighty Bulls in the second round. That was the high-water mark of this era, though. Chicago won that series in five, and the Hawks slowly faded after a fast start to the 1997-98 season.

15. 1984-85 Denver Nuggets

ERA: Doug Moe’s run-and-gun fun bunch

RECORD: 52-30

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +2.4

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in West Finals to Los Angeles Lakers (4-1)

KEY STAR(S): Alex English

COACH: Doug Moe

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Fat Lever, Calvin Natt, T.R. Dunn, Wayne Cooper, Dan Issel, Bill Hanzlik, Elston Turner, Mike Evans

OTHERS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 1987-88

The Denver Nuggets of the 1980s were the prototype for the Seven Seconds Or Less Suns and other up-tempo marvels of the modern era. In many ways, coach Doug Moe was a precursor to Mike D’Antoni. He created a revolutionary whiplash pass-and-move style of play and then left the details for the players to figure out. While other coaches diagrammed intricate set plays and poured over what passed for game film those days, Moe often cancelled practice and never really studied his opponents.

The Nuggets lit up the scoreboard because nobody could get a read on them, but also gave up a ton of points and thus weren’t taken seriously. Not that it bothered Moe too much. This quote from a 1988 Sports Illustrated profile sounds a lot like something D’Antoni would shout to the rooftops years later:

”Most of my career, we’ve been first in offense and last in defense,” Moe says. “But what people don’t realize is that total scores have nothing to do with defense or offense, just the pace of the game. It’s the dumbest statistic ever, totally wacko, and yet everyone uses the total scores as an indication of the kind of defense you play. I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but as long as people go by that stat, I know there’s someone out there dumber than I am.”

Adjusting raw stats to account for pace … what a concept!

The 1984-85 team was Moe’s best of the bunch, though it also was the one that looked most traditional. Before the season, Denver traded Kiki Vandeweghe, a 29-point-per-game scorer who couldn’t guard a chair, to Portland for a king’s ransom that included big man Calvin Natt, point guard Fat Lever, shot-blocking center Wayne Cooper, and multiple draft picks. All three thrived while rounding out the roster around star Alex English.

Denver reached the conference finals and had a real shot to beat the mighty Los Angeles Lakers. They blew LA off the court in Game 2 to tie the series, with English dropping 40 on a stunned Forum crowd.

After losing Game 3 at home, Denver came out hot in Game 4, with English scoring 26 first-half points. Disaster struck in the second half when English re-aggravated a thumb injury that kept him out the rest of the series. Denver rallied from eight down in the fourth quarter without English, but lost Game 4 when the Lakers got seven zillion offensive rebounds before a game-winning James Worthy putback with 20 seconds left.

“That has to rank with one of the most courageous performances I’ve ever seen,” said Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, never a man to resort to hyperbole, in a TV interview.

Without English, Denver had no chance in Game 5. Too bad. That was a fun team.

14. 1982-83 San Antonio Spurs

ERA: The Iceman

RECORD: 53-29

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +3.6

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in West Finals to Los Angeles Lakers (4-2)

KEY STAR(S): George Gervin

COACH: Stan Albeck

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Artis Gilmore, Mike Mitchell, Gene Banks, Johnny Moore, Mike Dunleavy, Bill Willoughby

OTHERS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 1978-79

George Gervin, the skinny, slick wing who brought the finger roll into our lives, had two real chances to win a title.

The first was in 1979. Led by Gervin and high-scoring running mate Larry Kenon, the high-octane, loosey-goosey Spurs ran circles around the aging Washington Bullets to take a 3-1 lead in the Eastern Conference Finals. (Why were the Spurs in the East then? :shruggie:) They blew the next two games, but zipped ahead in Game 7 on the road, with Gervin lighting up the scoreboard for 34 points in three quarter. They led by 10 in the fourth and six with two minutes left, but fell apart down the stretch. Gervin didn’t score or even get a shot late, and was bullied inside by Greg Ballard on the other end. Meanwhile, Washington’s Bobby Dandridge took over down the stretch and eventually won the game with a baseline turnaround over three Spurs.

Gervin’s second real chance came in 1982-83, with a team that barely resembled the one that was forged in the wide-open ABA. The Spurs replaced coach Doug Moe with Stan Albeck, who believed San Antonio needed to slow the game down and build a smash-mouth team exclusively around Gervin. Kenon made way for Mike Mitchell, a former all-star in Cleveland who rediscovered his game with the Spurs. After the Lakers swept them in 1982, San Antonio made a bold move for Artis Gilmore, a big-name center to match up with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. San Antonio won four of five against LA in the regular season, but a pissed-off Abdul-Jabbar raised his game to another level and destroyed Gilmore in LA’s six-game West Finals victory.

Which to choose? The 1979 team got closer, but the 1983 team had more top-end talent and was more equipped to succeed in the playoffs. They just happened to run into a buzzsaw in Abdul-Jabbar and the Lakers.

13. 1971-72 Chicago Bulls

ERA: Dick Motta’s Bulls

RECORD: 57-25

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +9.3

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in second round to Los Angeles Lakers (4-0)

KEY STAR(S): Bob Love

COACH: Dick Motta

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Chet Walker, Jerry Sloan, Norm Van Lier, Bob Weiss, Tom Boerwinkle, Clifford Ray

OTHERS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 1970-71, 1972-73, 1973-74, 1974-75

The Bulls were to the 70s what the Bucks were to the 1980s: a well-rounded ensemble cast that always put itself in the mix, was one piece short of taking down the best teams of their era.

In Chicago’s case, that piece was a center. Jerry Sloan and Norm Van Lier were pit bull defensive guards, and the combination of Chet Walker and Bob Love were nearly unstoppable at the forward spots. But Chicago kept getting beat by the great big men of their era, losing three times to Wilt Chamberlain’s Lakers and once to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s Bucks. Tom Boerwinkle and Clifford Ray got more out of their talent than they should have, but they were dramatically overmatched against the best of their era.

Chicago came closer to the Finals in 1971, 1973, and 1975, when they lost in the seventh game of the conference finals. The 1972-73 team actually held a seven-point lead over the Lakers with less than three minutes left of Game 7 before fumbling it away. But the 1971-72 club had the best point differential of the bunch and destroyed everyone not named Los Angeles or Milwaukee. Unfortunately, they had to face the 69-win Lakers in the playoffs, which ended in a sweep.

12. 2008-09 Denver Nuggets

ERA: Melo’s Nuggets

RECORD: 54-28

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +3.4

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in West Finals to Los Angeles Lakers (4-2)

KEY STAR(S): Carmelo Anthony

COACH: George Karl

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Chauncey Billups, Nene, Kenyon Martin, J.R. Smith, Anthony Carter, Linas Kleiza, Chris Andersen, Dahntay Jones

OTHERS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: None

The early-season acquisition of Chauncey Billups for Allen Iverson turned these undisciplined Nuggets into a tough unit that actually played up to expectations. Billups gave George Karl much-needed leadership and enabled Carmelo Anthony to focus on what he did best: score. If only they could complete an inbounds pass in the closing seconds of tight West Finals games against the Lakers. My God.

How hard could it be?

11. 1996-97 Houston Rockets

ERA: The old “Superteam”

RECORD: 57-25

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +4.5

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in West Finals to Utah Jazz (4-2)

KEY STAR(S): Hakeem Olajuwon, Charles Barkley, Clyde Drexler

COACH: Rudy Tomjanovich

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Mario Elie, Matt Maloney, Kevin Willis, Eddie Johnson, Sedale Threatt, Brent Price

OTHERS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: None

This was the original Superteam, at least in the inorganic, player-empowered way we now associate with the term.

Following a rough year in Phoenix, Charles Barkley threatened to retire if the Suns didn’t trade him to a contender. Houston obliged, giving up a package centered around Sam Cassell and Robert Horry, two key members of their back-to-back title teams in 1994 and 1995. “I’m excited because I called the shots,” Barkley said when the trade was reported. “When push comes to shove, I think you have to stand up to the system.” These kinds of trades are common now, but they weren’t back then.

The move left the Rockets as an old, shallow team, with Barkley joining fellow graybeards Hakeem Olajuwon and Clyde Drexler. Houston patched together enough of a supporting cast to reach the conference finals, but fell to a John Stockton buzzer beater in Game 6.

They then succumbed to injury the next couple seasons, with the bottom falling out after an ill-fated deal for Scottie Pippen during the lockout season.

If you ask Horry, the deal for Barkley was the moment the Rockets’ dynasty died. From a 2015 Huffington Post interview:

“It’s one of the things that me and Sam Cassell talk about all the time. If they would have made the changes and bring in Kevin Willis and Eddie Johnson to that team adding to me and Sam, that’s all we needed. Now they bring in Barkley, a guy who doesn’t like to practice and a guy that doesn’t work hard — it’s documented by Jordan. Now you would’ve added us to that mix with two vets; we would have had a great team. But, no, they think, ‘Oh, we’re going to bring in Charles,’ and, hell, you just realize Charles didn’t win anything in Phoenix — he didn’t win in Philly. And sometimes great players don’t make a great team better.”

Horry’s right that Barkley’s fit was awkward, but he’s dramatically overrating a pre-trade Rockets team that was already showing its age after the Sonics swept them out of the 1996 playoffs. Were the 72-win Bulls really gonna be scared of that Rockets team, plus two 34+-year-old aging vets? At least adding Barkley gave the Rockets a chance.

10. 1975-76 Denver Nuggets

ERA: David Thompson’s Nuggets

RECORD: 60-24

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +6

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in ABA Finals to New Jersey Nets (4-2)

KEY STAR(S): David Thompson

COACH: Larry Brown

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Dan Issel, Bobby Jones, Ralph Simpson, Chuck Williams, Byron Beck, Gus Gerard, Claude Terry, Jim Bradley

OTHER SEASONS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 1974-75, 1976-77, 1977-78

The lone ABA representative on this list might have been disrespected in the rankings. As the ABA fell apart around them, the Nuggets turned into a powerhouse. In 1974-75, young coach Larry Brown led Denver to 65 wins before they were overwhelmed by George McGinnis’ one-man show in Indiana. That team then added David Thompson, a breathtaking rookie from NC State whose grace and high-flying aerial assaults mimicked a young Michael Jordan a decade later. (Jordan idolized Thompson, which is why he asked Thompson to present him at his Hall of Fame induction.)

But the Nuggets were again defeated by a one-man band, falling to Julius Erving and the Nets in the ABA’s last Finals series. Denver led by 22 points in the second half of Game 6 before falling apart to lose the crown.

Thompson and the Nuggets’ NBA careers were decidedly less memorable. Thompson dealt with injuries and a cocaine addiction that nearly wrecked his life. (He is thankfully sober today.) His relationship with Brown soured, with Brown chafing by Thompson’s $800,000-a-year new contract before calling it quits midway through the 1978-79 season. (Larry Brown folding early? Why I never.) The Nuggets have occasionally thrived in the NBA, but have never reached their ABA heights.

9. 1996-97 Miami Heat

ERA: Riley and Zo

RECORD: 61-21

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +5.5

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in East Finals to Chicago Bulls (4-1)

KEY STAR(S): Alonzo Mourning

COACH: Pat Riley

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Tim Hardaway, Jamal Mashburn, Dan Majerle, P.J. Brown, Voshon Leonard, Isaac Austin, Keith Askins, Kurt Thomas, John Crotty

OTHER SEASONS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 1997-98, 1998-99, 1999-00

Four of the five legitimate Heat teams of the ugly-but-effective Pat Riley-Alonzo Mourning era lost as favorites in the playoffs. Three of those losses were to the Knicks, while the fourth was a thorough evisceration by Baron Davis’ Charlotte Hornets. This was the fifth of those five, and they may have lost to the Knicks too if not for the league’s controversial rule about leaving the bench during a fight. You remember this, don’t you?

I remembered the fight, but I forgot the politicking by both teams thereafter. I forgot P.J. Brown saying he doesn’t believe “all that choir boy image stuff” with the Knicks. I forgot Charlie Ward claiming he was just “boxing out like I usually do on free throws” even though the Knicks were down 15 with less than two minutes remaining. I hadn’t seen Pat Riley’s firm insistence that the fight only got “out of hand” because the Knicks players left the bench. (Riley’s annunciation on “com-BAT-ants” was especially well executed.) I very much enjoyed Jeff Van Gundy’s withering sarcasm at the thought of the NBA allowing “6’11 guys picking on six-foot guys.” (Think of the children!)

But Tim Hardaway is the one who really stole the show. Look at his wink-winking to the camera while saying, “it’ll be very interesting to see what [NBA rules czar] Rod Thorn does.” It was not subtle.

It worked, though. Thorn tossed Brown for the rest of the series, but made five Knicks — Ward, Allan Houston, Patrick Ewing, John Starks, and Larry Johnson — serve one-game suspensions. The first three missed Miami’s Game 6 victory at MSG, while the latter two sat out as Miami closed out the series in seven. The Heat ended up losing in five to the Bulls in the next round.

8. 2003-04 Minnesota Timberwolves

ERA: KG and Flip

RECORD: 58-24

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +5.4

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in West Finals to Los Angeles Lakers (4-2)

KEY STAR(S): Kevin Garnett

COACH: Flip Saunders

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Latrell Sprewell, Sam Cassell, Wally Szczerbiak, Ervin Johnson, Trenton Hassell, Fred Hoiberg, Michael Olowokandi, Mark Madsen

OTHER SEASONS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: None

The one and only credible Timberwolves team in the Kevin Garnett era rose and fell in a flash. Dogged by first-round exits carrying a limited supporting cast, Garnett went to owner Glen Taylor and asked for more help. He did his part by signing a new contract below the max, and Taylor’s embattled general manager Kevin McHale did his by acquiring Sam Cassell and Latrell Sprewell. Both veterans came with high salaries and as distressed assets, having worn out their welcomes in Milwaukee and New York.

After a slow start, the team gelled beautifully, racing to the top of the Western Conference. They survived a formidable Kings team in the second round, then split the first two games with the vaunted Lakers in the conference Finals. But their Game 2 victory was tarnished by a debilitating Cassell injury, which turned out to be a torn hip that rendered him useless the rest of the series. With Cassell and backup Troy Hudson both out, Minnesota had to use third-stringer Darrick Martin, with Garnett of all people supplying additional playmaking. “I knew for a fact that if I was healthy, we would have won a championship,” Cassell said in 2014.

Minnesota lost that series in six, and then all hell broke loose. Sprewell and Cassell asked for contract extensions, but didn’t get them. (This is where Sprewell’s famous “feed my family” quote was born.) Hudson and Wally Szczerbiak, both former starters displaced by Sprewell and Cassell the previous season, wanted their jobs back. As a horrendous follow-up season came to a close, Taylor called the trades for Cassell and Sprewell “a failed experiment” and “financial-wise, a poor decision on our part.” Ten months ago, they were the missing pieces in the best Timberwolves team of all time. Now, they were a failed experiment? The about-face was remarkable.

Sprewell left in free agency and never played again, while Cassell was included along with a first-round pick in a disastrous sign-and-trade with the Clippers for the right to give Marko Jaric a six-year, $37 million contract. Two years later, the Timberwolves traded Garnett to the Celtics. Now that’s how you destroy a contender.

7. 1997-98 Indiana Pacers

ERA: Reggie!

RECORD: 59-23

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +6.1

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in East Finals to Chicago Bulls (4-3)

KEY STAR(S): Reggie Miller

COACH: Larry Bird

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Rik Smits, Mark Jackson, Dale David, Antonio Davis, Chris Mullin, Jalen Rose, Derrick McKey, Travis Best

OTHER SEASONS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 1993-94, 1994-95, 1998-99, 1999-00

This was the best Pacers team of the Reggie Miller era, though others may have advanced further in the playoffs (2000), suffered more disappointing defeats (1999), or produced more iconic moments (1994, 1995).

The 1997-98 club was rock solid, having replaced taskmaster coach Larry Brown with the more laid-back Larry Bird. They were deep, with young Jalen Rose emerging as a dynamic bench player to complement the veteran core of Miller, Mark Jackson, Rik Smits, Chris Mullin, and the Davises. If only they could have snagged a defensive rebound or two in that Game 7 defeat to the Bulls.

6. 1985-86 Milwaukee Bucks

ERA: Don Nelson’s Bucks

RECORD: 57-25

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +9

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in East Finals to Boston Celtics (4-0)

KEY STAR(S): Sidney Moncrief

COACH: Don Nelson

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Terry Cummings, Paul Pressey, Ricky Pierce, Alton Lister, Craig Hodges, Randy Breuer

OTHERS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 1980-81, 1981-82, 1982-83, 1983-84, 1984-85, 1986-87

Any of the wonderful-yet-forgotten Bucks teams from the 1980s would be a strong entry in this tournament. You could make a great case for the 1980-81, which relied on an in-prime Marques Johnson, an emerging Sidney Moncrief, and an aging-but-still-effective Bob Lanier in the middle. They won 60 games despite enduring several injuries, but fell to the 76ers in the second round by the slimmest of margins. Game 7, played in front of a sparse Philadelphia crowd, featured 19 ties, 11 lead changes, and one furious Bucks’ rally from 16 points down that fell just short.

But the 1985-86 Bucks get the nod because they did the one thing no other Bucks team could during the decade: beat the 76ers. It took a missed jumper by Julius Erving in the closing seconds of Game 7, but it happened. One point on the right side in 1986 vs. one point on the wrong side in 1981 was the difference.

Just getting past Philly took everything out of Milwaukee. Moncrief, who always seemed to have nagging health issues, was nursing a painful foot injury that kept him out of Game 6 against the 76ers. Young co-star Terry Cummings, acquired in a masterful trade with the Clippers for Johnson before the 1984-85 season, was fighting through a dislocated finger. Ricky Pierce, the Bucks’ fabulous sixth man, played through a sprained ankle. They might have been drawing dead against the fantastic 1985-86 Celtics even at full strength, but we never really got to find out.

5. 1963-64 San Francisco Warriors

ERA: Young Wilt

RECORD: 48-32

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +5.1

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in NBA Finals to Boston Celtics (4-1)

KEY STAR(S): Wilt Chamberlain

COACH: Alex Hannum

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Guy Rodgers, Al Attles, Wayne Hightower, Gary Phillips, Nate Thurmond

OTHER SEASONS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 1959-60, 1961-62

Fair or not, Young Wilt Chamberlain had a reputation for being a selfish coach-killer that only cared about his own stats. That got taken to its logical extreme in 1961-62, when Chamberlain averaged 50 points a game for a Philadelphia Warriors team that catered to his every move.

After those Warriors fell narrowly to Bill Russell’s Celtics in the East Finals, they moved across the country to San Francisco and saw Chamberlain mope his way through a 31-49 season that alienated his new fans. “He felt like someone who bought a Rolls-Royce only to discover that the horn didn’t work,” read one Sports Illustrated article.

In came Alex Hannum, a no-nonsense, 6’7 former championship coach who was there to stand up to Chamberlain. The two men got into a screaming match early in the season, but Chamberlain responded by playing more team ball and empowering the rest of the Warriors players. They lost in five games to Boston in the Finals, but the Hannum-Chamberlain partnership seemed poised for the long haul.

Instead, the Warriors fell apart the next season. Chamberlain was nowhere near himself after a preseason bout with pancreatitis, and eccentric new owner Frankie Mieuli traded him to the 76ers to avoid paying out a massive salary. Hannum left the next season and later reunited with Chamberlain to win the 1967 title as 76ers coach.

4. 1961-62 Los Angeles Lakers

ERA: Elgin and Mr. Clutch

RECORD: 54-26

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +2.2

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in NBA Finals to Boston Celtics (4-3)

KEY STAR(S): Elgin Baylor, Jerry West

COACH: Fred Schaus

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Dick Barnett, Frank Selvy, Rudy LaRusso, Jim Krebs, Hod Rod Hundley, Ray Felix, Tom Hawkins

OTHERS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 1962-63, 1964-65, 1965-66, 1967-68

It’s a real shame Elgin Baylor never won a championship. His Lakers always ran into the same brick wall that was Bill Russell’s Celtics, and always seemed to fall short in the same way. He and Jerry West were always spectacular, but the Celtics always had more depth and cohesion.

Baylor came closest in 1962, and damn did he come close amid remarkable circumstances. He was called up to the Army Reserve during the season — because he was stationed in Washington, he could only travel back to play in weekend Lakers games. His service was finished by the time the playoffs rolled around, making LA a much more dangerous team than its record indicated.

Led by Baylor and West, the Lakers split the first three games and 47:55 with the Celtics. With five seconds left in Game 7, the Lakers inbounded the ball to Hot Rod Hundley. Legendary Celtics point guard Bob Cousy inexplicably gazed at the ball, leaving Frank Selvy wiiiide open from 12 feet away. But Selvy missed, and Boston eventually survived in overtime when Cousy dribbled out the clock.

Seriously, what was Cousy doing???

Dogged by injuries, Baylor was never quite the same player thereafter. He retired early in the 1971-72 season as a shell of his former self. Months later, those Lakers won the title.

3. 1992-93 Phoenix Suns

ERA: Barkley’s Suns

RECORD: 62-20

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +6.7

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in NBA Finals to Chicago Bulls (4-2)

KEY STAR(S): Charles Barkley

COACH: Paul Westphal

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Kevin Johnson, Dan Majerle, Richard Dumas, Tom Chambers, Danny Ainge, Mark West, Oliver Miller, Frank Johnson

OTHER SEASONS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 1993-94, 1994-95

These Suns are remembered for their star power, high-octane offense, and memorable duel with the Bulls in the 1993 Finals. They swung a huge trade for Charles Barkley and ran away with the West. Barkley won MVP, scowling and shouting his message from the rooftops whenever he could find a microphone. The Barkley-Michael Jordan Finals duel occurred at arguably the peak of NBA interest in this country.

As fun as they were, though, they’ve become a bit overrated over the years. Their point differential was about the same as the previous two Suns teams without Barkley, and their defense was porous for a title favorite. Barkley and holdover Kevin Johnson co-exited, but never developed great on-court chemistry thanks in part to Johnson’s injuries. They lost the first two games of their first-round series against a dogshit Lakers team before rallying to win in five. Their West Finals victory over Seattle could’ve gone either way. Key reserve Cedric Ceballos missed the tail end of their playoff run.

I’m just saying they might be over-ranked.

2. 2017-18 Houston Rockets

ERA: James Harden’s Moreyball

RECORD: 65-17

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +8.5

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in West Finals to Golden State Warriors (4-3)

KEY STAR(S): James Harden, Chris Paul (injured Games 6-7)

COACH: Mike D’Antoni

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Trevor Ariza, Eric Gordon, Clint Capela, P.J. Tucker, Ryan Anderson, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute, Gerald Green, Nene

OTHER SEASONS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 2014-15, 2016-17, 2018-19

Fortified by the offseason acquisition of Chris Paul, the Rockets dominated the regular season behind a switch-everything defense and a deadly isolation attack spearheaded by James Harden.

Everything they did was to match up against the Warriors, a team nobody else dared to challenge. They took a 3-2 lead in their conference finals series, but lost Paul due to injury late in Game 5. Somehow, they led both Games 6 and 7 by double-digits at halftime. But Golden State flipped the switch and the Rockets faded, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27 missed threes at a time.

1. 1996-97 Utah Jazz

ERA: Stockton and The Mailman

RECORD: 64-18

POINT DIFFERENTIAL: +8.8

PLAYOFF RESULT: Lost in NBA Finals to Chicago Bulls (4-2)

KEY STAR(S): Karl Malone, John Stockton

COACH: Jerry Sloan

OTHER KEY PLAYERS: Jeff Hornacek, Byron Russell, Greg Ostertag, Antoine Carr, Chris Morris, Shandon Anderson, Adam Keefe, Greg Foster

OTHERS CONSIDERED FROM THIS ERA: 8987-88, 1989-90, 1991-92, 1993-94, 1994-95, 1995-96, 1997-98, 1998-99

Twenty-three years later, the subhead on Jackie MacMullen’s “Inside the NBA” piece for the March 17, 1997, issue of Sports Illustrated sticks out like a sore thumb. “[Karl] Malone is playing like an MVP,” it read. “Not that anyone has noticed.”

Whether the piece changed the narrative or simply reflected something deeper beneath the surface, it had a major effect. Two months later, Malone edged out Michael Jordan in the voting to win the NBA’s preeminent regular-season prize.

The Bulls seethed, which proved to be bad news for Malone when he finally reached his first NBA Finals. As he stepped to the line in the closing seconds of a tied Game 1, Scottie Pippen whispered the now-iconic words: “The Mailman don’t deliver on Sundays.” Malone missed both, opening the door for Jordan to hit a game-winning jumper at the buzzer.

That set the stage for a Finals in which Malone played below par and the Jazz lost in six games despite often being on the doorstep of victory. Their Game 5 loss has been memorialized as Jordan’s “Flu Game” moment, and they gave up a game-winning jumper to Steve Kerr in Game 6 before throwing the ball away at the buzzer.

Too bad, because these Jazz were a dominant force. They zipped through the West playoffs, schooling the young Lakers in five and outlasting the superteam Rockets of Hakeem Olajuwon, Clyde Drexler, and Charles Barkley in the West Finals. In any other season, they would have been champions.

[bughead-fic-request]

Girls On Film: Part 2

Summary: After insulting every major supermodel in the business, world renowned fashion photographer, Jughead Jones, is paired with up-and-coming model, Betty Cooper.

Words: 3,000

Warnings: Swearing, drinking, mentions of war, sexy times.

A/N: I know nothing about the modelling/photography world. Most of my knowledge comes from America’s Next Top Model. Also, I have nothing against any of the models mentioned in this story.

Part 1 is here and this is also on AO3.

This is for @birdlovesafish​

I also edited this myself so prepare for errors.

“Sports Illustrated called and they want you for the cover of the swimsuit issue.” Betty’s agent, Kevin Keller, explained over the phone.

“Aren’t I a little bony?” She asked but what she really meant was flat chested. She was blessed to have full C cup breasts considering how svelte her frame was but she was no where near the Sports Illustrated levels of busty.

“The photographer asked for you.” Kevin said.

Betty was in the middle of gathering her text books, her phone pressed between her shoulder and ear. “Which photographer?” She asked slamming them down on her desk, stirring her roommate.

“Jughead Jones.” Betty could hear Kevin smirking through the phone. She told him about the incident she had with Jughead.

It had been four months since her shoot with the famous photographer and she had a surge in bookings. High end shoots working with the Hadid sisters, Jordan Dunn, Lily Aldridge and Miranda Kerr. She scored a full page in Harper's Bazaar when they did a profile on ten models to watch. They put her in pointe shoes, a flowing Zuhair Murad dress and made her dance. There was a tiny blurb about her under a title that read ‘The Face. The Body. The Blonde.’.  She was even featured in a Zayn music video as “The Girl” after Gigi recommended Betty to her pop star boyfriend.  

Everyone wanted to work with the model who made Jughead Jones great again.

“When, where, how much?” She asked.

“You’ll have to leave in two days, it’s in Aruba and they are going to give you $25,000. It’s two days work, you’ll be in Aruba for three.”

Betty knew it would be huge for her career if she was on the cover of Sports Illustrated. She would have huge runway, editorial and swimsuit jobs under her belt. She could continue to pay for school, complete it at her own pace and have a huge chunk of savings to fall back on. Having a famous photographer in her back pocket could be beneficial as well.

She couldn't lie to herself, she had been thinking of Jughead a lot over the four months they had been apart. There was something about him that rooted itself in her mind and would not let go. She wasn't sure if it was his handsome face, a face that could have found a place on the other side of the camera or if it was his confidence. It could have been fact that he was very good at his job or the flashes of vulnerability he showed her when she started to critique him and his work. She still felt bad about what she had said and wanted to apologize. Everything that had happened to her in the whirlwind four months had happened because of him.

“If they can pay me $50,000, I’ll do it.” She said hanging up the phone and heading to class.

A day later Kevin got back to her with a confirmation that they were willing to pay her the $50,000.

The day after that she was on a plane flying into Aruba’s capital Oranjestad.

She was put up in a suite in a five star hotel and was told she was allowed to order and watch whatever she’d like. Sports Illustrated was covering everything.

She was set to meet Jughead and the two other models she would be photographed with, Emily Ratajkowski and Imaan Hammam, for dinner.

Betty slipped into a white sundress and headed down to the hotel’s restaurant. Jughead was already there when she arrived.

“Hey.” He said starting to get up but stopped when she began to shake her head.

“Don’t stand, please.” She smiled awkwardly as she took her seat. She tried desperately to think of something to say. “Thanks for recommending me for this. It’ll be really good for my career.” She finally managed.

“You’re the best model I’ve ever worked with other than the greats; Cindy, Linda, Naomi, Gisele. It’s not fair the new wave get all the attention just because their moms were famous models. Sometimes the photographers have to fight for the fresh faces, the ones that are models, not just beautiful girls.” He rubbed the back of his head.

“Wait, how old are you? You didn’t shoot Cindy Crawford and Naomi Campbell in their hay-day, did you?” Betty asked her brow furrowed together.

He laughed. “No, no, I’m thirty-three. I did a shoot with those women for Vogue celebrating the first true supermodels though.”

They sat in silence for a couple of moments until the waiter came around and placed a dirty martini down in front of her. She couldn’t help but smile and took a deep breath in. “I just want to say I’m sorry, I was so rude the last time you saw me.” Betty said. “All the anger I felt over the things you said to me years ago and the hurt you caused my roommates just boiled over. It’s not fair. They’re grown women, they made a choice.” She shook her head.

Jughead sighed. “I really had no intent of sleeping you that night.”

Betty raised her eyebrows.

Jughead sighed. “That’s not what I mean, you are beautiful and I’m very attracted to you but I wanted you to come over so I could show you some of my other photography. I didn’t start off in fashion.” He ran his hand through his dark hair.

Betty bit her lip. “Maybe another time you can show me. I would love to see it.” She said taking a sip of her drink.

“Can I ask you another question?” He asked tugging at his white dress shirt.

“Shoot.”

“Why are you a model? You seemed so unimpressed by the whole shebang.”

“I’m doing this to pay for school. I’m going part-time at Columbia. I’m also saving so when I become too old for this work I have a nice nest egg. I want to be able to live a quiet life without worrying.” She shrugged.

“Is that why you asked for more money?” Jughead asked. “For school?”

Betty’s face flushed. “That’s part of it but I kinda asked for more money to piss you off, make you fight with SI to get me.” She smirked.

“That $25,000 came out of my pay.” He admitted.

Betty’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think they would take it from you-”

He shook his head. “Its fine. You deserve it and I was willing to do anything to get you to agree.”

She couldn’t fight the smile that spread across her lips. She looked up at him and met his gaze. He as looking at her like she was the only person in the room, dazzled by her presence. “What are you studying?” He asked, changing the subject.

“Finance.” She took a sip of her drink.

“That sounds really boring.”

“It is but it’s practical and with the world the way it is, you can’t just follow your dreams or your passions. I know I can’t model forever and finance will always be a profession.”

“Do you have a dream?” He asked her.

She smiled. “I want to live in a quiet little farmhouse with someone I love and a hundred dogs.” She confessed.

“That’s a doable dream. All you need to do is find someone you love.”

“And a farmhouse. And a hundred dogs.” She looked up at him with a grin pulling at her lips.“What’s your dream?” She questioned.

“I’m living it.” She said with a smirk.

“This is all you want?”

“Maybe one day I want to fall in love with someone who accepts me, someone who matches me. I just haven’t met her yet.” He took a sip of his scotch. “Until I do, this life suites me just fine.”

“Are you type to fight against love?” She inquired.

He gazed at her. “I hope I’m not. I hope after everything I’d be the type of guy who would go for it.”

Betty gave him a reassuring smile and place her hand over his without thinking. He looked down at it and then back at her, mild shock on his face caused by the tender gesture.

At that moment Emily and Imaan showed up and Betty pulled her hand away. The four of them shared a meal, drank more than they should have and discussed what the next three days held.

The next morning Betty was up at 5am to get into hair and makeup. She spent the rest of the day frolicking around in barely there bikinis with Emily and Imaan in crystal clear waters and white sand beaches.

The next day Jughead shot Emily and Imaan separately and devoted the entire last day to shooting Betty. It was an easy shoot.

“Just be the girl next door.” He winked at her as he brought the camera back up to his eye.

“I thought I needed to be sexy.” Betty said, her fingertips raking through the surface of the water.

“The girl next door is sexy. We all want to get with the good girl we see dancing in bra and panties through our bedroom window.” He snapped a few more photos. “The voluptuous girl with the great mouth may be the fantasy but you’re the dream.”

Betty looked down, blushing, a small smile pulling at her lips. Jughead snapped another photo and looked down at the screen. “Beautiful.” He whispered looking back up at her. They made eyes at each other until a PA cleared their throat snapping both out of their daze and they continued with the rest of the shoot.

That night Betty paced her room deciding what to do before they left on different flights the next morning. She was deciding whether or not she wanted to make her relationship with Jughead a little less professional.

She called down to the front desk and ordered a bottle of red wine. She put on light wash jeans short and a white tank top with no bra and headed down the hall to his room, took a deep breath and knocked.

He was shirtless and in a pair of well worn jeans which hung off his hips when he answered the door. “Betty.” He said with an undertone of shock. “What are you doing here?” He asked.

She showed him the bottle. “Do you want to show me your photographs? Unless you’re busy.”

“No.” He answered almost too quickly. “Come in.”

She took a step into his hotel room which was nicer than hers. She bit back her annoyance with Sport Illustrated and walked over to the small kitchen, looking for a corkscrew. She uncorked the wine and poured them both a glass. “You wanna show me some of your work before you got into fashion? I have to be honest, I’ve only see your work in the industry.”

“Fashion is where the money is. Time loves a gut wrenching photo but they certainly don’t want to pay for it.” He walked over to the couch were his laptop was open. “I got sick of risking my life. It wasn’t for nothing but I guess I’m a selfish person. I decided photographing beautiful women was better than waking up every morning wondering if I was gonna die.”

She sat down beside him, curling her feet under her butt, leaning towards him.

He opened a folder and showed her photo after photo he took while he was in the Middle East shooting the Iraq War. “I was 18 when the war started and I was too cowardly to be a solider so I decided to go and document it.”

He showed her photos of soldiers silhouetted in smoke, soldiers in action jumping from helicopters, helping the wounded onto trucks and planes. He also had photos of an Iraqi child crying while walking through rubble lined streets, a woman holding her dead son and civilians cowering in corners, weeping.

They were beautiful but he didn’t shy away from showing the horrors of war and he didn’t glorify one side over the other. He showed what horrors each side committed against the other and sympathized the the noncombatants caught in the middle.

He flew past one photo and she stopped him, putting her hand on his arm. “Wait, what’s that one?” She asked placing her glass on the table and leaning forward.

Jughead swallowed hard. “Um, I was stationed with a platoon and we were in area of Iraq that was going to be bombed by the U.S. that day. The only problem was no one told us. By the time we figured it out the only thing we could do was run for cover.” He rubbed his face. “We found a small crawlspace close to the ground and hoped for the best. The soldiers were freaking out knowing that we were probably going to die. So I took one last photo and this was it.” The photo contained six soldiers with their eyes closed tight, half of them were praying. Some had tears running down their cheeks. You could see the brick at their back, the low ceiling above them and it was nearly pitch black. The only thing lighting the area was the flash from the camera. “We were there for a day and when we emerged ours was the only building, for as far as I could see, with any structural integrity.” He leaned back. “I stayed for two more months, caught a ride home and started doing fashion.”

“That’s an insane story.” Betty exhaled after holding her breath the entire time he told it.

“It might be why I’m so hard on my models. They get paid so much to do so little and they do nothing but complain. Even more so now and they aren’t even good at it. It’s all bored expressions and dead eyes. I’m so sick of photographing the Hadid sisters and Kendal Jenner.” He rubbed his eyes and fell back against the sofa.

She smacked him lightly on the shoulder. “Hey, the Hadid’s have been kind to me.” She grinned. “Is there anything you still like photographing?” She asked.

He looked over at her. “I love photographing you.” He answered without thinking and mentally cursed himself for using the word love.

Betty couldn’t help herself when she leaned in and pressed a kiss onto his lips. It was sweet and chaste at first, both testing the waters to see if the chemistry the both thought was there actually existed. Finally Jughead cupped Betty’s face pulling her close to him, encouraging her to straddle him which she eagerly did.

She weaved her hands through his hair as she rolled her hips into his searching for much needed friction.

He moaned before parting from her. “Aren’t you afraid you’re just going to become another one of the girls I’ve photographed?” He asked placing kisses down her long neck.

“I’m not too worried.” She breathed. “Something tells me I’m not going to be able to shake you.” She laughed before looking down and capturing his mouth with hers. She ran her tongue over his bottom lip and he met her in the middle, their tongues rolling over the other.

Betty took her shirt off and tossed it on the couch beside them.

His hands went to her breasts palming them in his large, slightly calloused hands. He lightly rolled and pinched her nipples between his fingers. She mewled at the contact as her nails dragged down his muscular arms. He lowered his head to take a nipple into his mouth, pulling and teasing it with his teeth and tongue.

She leaned forward, panting from his touch as her hands went for his jeans button. “Jug, I want you.” She purred, unzipping his pants as far as she could.

He lifted her off of him and stood, running into the other room and running back with a metallic square in his hand. He let his pants drop to the floor leaving him completely naked and on display. “Can I take your picture?” She giggled as she stared at his long erect cock.

He grinned but blocked her when she went to reach for his camera. “You can take a thousand pictures of me later but now, now I need you.” He said pulling her shorts off her long legs leaving her just as naked as he was.

He rolled the condom over his length and positioned himself in between her legs, sinking himself into her wet core. She gasped at the sensation, wrapping her legs around his waist, wanting him to go deeper. Jughead built a rhythm, getting faster with each penetration until he was pounding into her. The angle he was at allowed him to rub up against her clit with each thrust, bringing them both to the edge of orgasm.

“Jug!” Betty choked out as she came, clenching around him as she dissolved into the pleasure of her climax.

Jughead joined her moments later as he bit her shoulder.

They were still for a few moments before Jughead pulled out and collapsed on the couch beside her. “You’re heading back to New York tomorrow, right?” He asked, his breathing still erratic.

She nodded. “I have class and probably a few other shoots to do. I have you to thank for that.” She laughed looking over at him.

He shrugged. “I have a place in the city. If you need a quiet place to study, you are welcome to it. You can crash there. I mean having seven roommates can’t be easy.” He was rambling.

“Are you going to be there?” She asked.

“I was thinking of changing some things up, I’ve been in L.A. for too long.” He looked over at her and grinned. “And if my muse is going to be in New York, then New York is were I need to be.” He leaned over and kissed her, picking her up and caring her into the bedroom.

[jillmckenzie1]

A Million Shattered Pieces

Movies aren’t for everyone, though people think they are. A bunch of years ago, my wife and I caught the very good film Adaptation in the theaters. If it’s been a minute since you’ve seen or thought about it, Adaptation is about a lonely screenwriter struggling to adapt a book about an orchid thief. It’s got strong performances by Nicolas Cage and Meryl Streep, and a great deal to say about the creative process.

Joining us in our cinematic excursion was an Unnamed Member Of Our Extended Family. He’s a great guy, but the film tastes of the aforementioned UMOOEF, as he will be known going forward, were strictly meat and potatoes. He liked his action action-y. He liked his comedies broad. By no means is he a stupid man. He just has a busy life and views movies as a way to relax.

Guys, UMOOEF hated Adaptation. Snide comments were immediately thrown out, with “there’s two hours I’ll never get back!” chief among them. He was actively angry with the movie. It wouldn’t let him turn off his brain. You will not be surprised to learn that he didn’t go to movies with us much after that.

That’s where things can get tricky for filmgoers. What happens if you’ve been trained to expect movies to be entertaining, but a film comes along that’s totally uninterested in entertaining you? Glass, the newest film from M. Night Shyamalan, is almost an anti-blockbuster, and I admire its commitment to not giving a good goddamn what you think of it.

Before we get into Glass, we need to (briefly) talk about Unbreakable and Split. Apologies, but this is the part where I spoil a 19-year-old movie and a three-year-old movie. Released in 2000, Unbreakable concerned itself with the adventures of David Dunn (Bruce Willis), an ordinary schlub who was the only survivor of a deadly train crash. He learns he has slightly superhuman strength and durability, mostly due to the prodding of Elijah Price (Samuel L. Jackson), a brilliant comic book expert with brittle bones and an even more brittle attitude. Ultimately, David learns that Elijah, now calling himself Mr. Glass, has committed numerous acts of terrorism to attempt to draw out his physical opposite. In 2016’s Split, high school student Casey (Anya Taylor-Joy) is kidnapped by Kevin Wendell Crumb (James McAvoy), a man suffering from disassociative identity disorder. He has over 20 personalities, one of them being The Beast, an apex predator with the ability to bend iron bars and wall crawl.

All caught up? Glass begins a few weeks after the events of Split, and along with his grown son Joseph (Spencer Treat Clark), David has opened a home security company. On the side, he’s also known as The Overseer, a shadowy vigilante who beats the dickens out of petty criminals. His goal is to track down Crumb, who calls himself The Horde and has an unsavory habit of kidnapping and eating cheerleaders.

Thrilling fisticuffs ensue when David rescues the cheerleaders and does battle with Crumb. Things go south for them very quickly when they’re captured by a tactical team and unceremoniously tossed into Ravenhill Psychiatric Hospital. Guess who else is a guest there? Yep, our old pal Elijah! For 19 years, he’s been chillin’ like a villain — literally, and he spends his days heavily sedated.

It turns out this has all been orchestrated by Dr. Ellie Staple (Sarah Paulson), a specialist in treating people who suffer from the delusion that they are superhuman. She tells them she has three days* to cure them. Then we move into the third act, and…well, yeah. It’s this point where the film doesn’t just go off the rails, but it flies off a bridge, crashes into a ravine, and bursts into a massive fireball.

I apologize for being so unhelpful, but I genuinely don’t know if Glass is a good film or not. You might do well to keep something in mind going into this movie. When M. Night Shyamalan made Unbreakable 19 years ago, superhero movies weren’t a thing, and a grounded film about powered people was significantly ahead of the curve. However, primarily due to Marvel studios, superhero movies have become omnipresent, and we’re trained to expect nonstop thrills, special effects, massive set pieces, and quips.

Shyamalan understands your expectations and has zero interest in catering to any of them. While the first act of Glass feels propulsive and exciting, Shyamalan stomps on the brakes once we get to Ravenhill. During the second act, we have a series of hushed conversations, therapy sessions dealing with trauma and superhero tropes, and Samuel L. Jackson staring into the middle distance and twitching. Then the third act happens and holy hell do things get foo-foo nutty! Instead of the standard final twist you expect from Shyamalan’s films, we’re positively assaulted with twists. By my count, we get a good five twists that force us to re-re-re-re-recontextualize everything we’ve just seen.

If I’m being honest, I can’t say the film is poorly directed. Shyamalan is canny in his use of color. David protects life, and his scenes have a distinct green tint. Yellow is associated with religion, and we see The Horde commonly experiencing a messianic fervor. Elijah elevates himself above the ignorant masses, and we see shades of royal purple around him. The group therapy sessions are a soothing pink. Contrast that with the rest of the scenes at Ravenhill that feel lifeless and missing that same attention to detail. Plus, the propulsive energy in the first act vanishes in the second and fitfully comes and goes during the climax.

Shyamalan, as usual, wrote the script. You and I both know that his dialogue is…well, let’s go ahead and call it “stiff.” That’s fine, but we’re also bombarded with characters constantly pointing out comic book tropes, even while they’re taking place. He’s made an ambitious film, and if you squint you can see what it could have been. Too often the ambition is blocked by some goofy-ass narrative decisions. For example, we’re led to believe that a certain thing is going to happen due to Elijah’s nefarious plan. It doesn’t happen at all, and while I have big respect in Shyamalan’s disinterest in catering to the audience, too often it feels like he’s reversing tropes because he can, not because it serves the story.

The cast is exactly as you’d expect. The highlight is James McAvoy, giving a masterclass in portraying close to two dozen separate characters. As Elijah, Jackson does good work as the villain of the piece, and he’s particularly effective in his still, quiet moments. The last time Bruce Willis gave an energetic and nuanced performance was way back in 2012 with Looper. Here, he’s pretty good revisiting the taciturn and innately decent David, but he vanishes for long stretches of time. It’s an improvement over the direct-to-video nonsense he’s been doing lately.

Like I said earlier, I’m not sure if Glass is a good film. My instinct tells me it needs more viewings and more time to put it in context with Unbreakable and Split. I didn’t dislike it, and I admire its commitment to firmly being itself. A small group of people will love the prickly charms of this film. I’ll tell you this much — if UMOOEF sees it? He’s going to be pissed.

*I’m not that smart, and even I know that mental health treatments don’t work that way. Consider my disbelief to be highly suspended.

from Blog https://ondenver.com/a-million-shattered-pieces/

[thrashermaxey]

Ramblings: Dougie Hamilton, Second-Half Superstar (Feb 9)

  In yesterday’s ramblings I referenced being high on Boston as one of six teams to play 11 games during the standard head-to-head playoff run from March 5-25. You can use FrozenPool’s fantasy game planner to plan ahead.

Generally, I don’t quibble over the number of games from a star player, because I know I’ll be using him for every game possible. Nine games out of Nikita Kucherov are likely going to be better than 11 games out of a lesser player. In a perfect world, your best players are ones with jam-packed schedules though. Stars off of teams like Boston, Dallas, Calgary, Pittsburgh, Vancouver and Anaheim offer a ton of value in the head-to-head playoffs on teams skating 10 or 11 games, but particularly because of their off-night value.

The most packed nights are Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Of Boston’s 11 games, only six occur on those packed nights. So they offer five off-nights. That’s good, but in terms of off-nights Calgary, Dallas, Vancouver and Anaheim each give you eight! Pittsburgh isn’t far off with seven off-night games. Having players off these teams will not only help you get a lot of games, but it will also make it easier to fit in waiver wire pickups from teams who may not have the same favourable off-night schedule.

If you’re staring down a swap as the deadline approaches do factor this in. Of course, you also need to project ahead. The last thing you want is to buy a player trending down.

For instance, in my trade talks from yesterday, where the Henrik Lundqvist owner wanted to bring in some extra help, asking for one of my Carter Hutton, Connor Hellebuyck or Andrei Vasilevskiy. He had forward talent to offer. I asked for one of Kucherov, Johnny Gaudreau or Jonathan Marchessault for Hutton. He balked, countering with one of Brock Boeser or Travis Konecny.

Those are two good players, but I ain’t having it. Boeser even fits the logic of getting a player with 11 games during the H2H playoffs, with a hefty off-night schedule. Maybe I should have jumped on him, but I don’t like where his season is headed. He’s certainly a player who will shoot a high percentage for his career, but the whole shooting above 25% for two straight months thing is dead in the water. Even after scoring last night he has just nine points in 15 games since the start of January.

I don’t know that this is “the rookie wall”, but I do think there’s some regression kicking in. I also suspect that since he was named an All-Star that he is the guy opponents are focusing greater attention on. I also think that even with Bo Horvat back the Canucks are still a bad team that will allow opponents to gang up on him. If he’s only going to be a 55-point guy for the rest of the season he’ll still be worth owning, he’d help my roster. But that’s not quite good enough to break up my great goalie trio. I need a home run.

As we stand now, trade talks are dead, but the clock is ticking towards Sunday’s deadline. I have all the leverage as perhaps the only team in a 14-team league with three starters. I intend to wield that leverage. I’ll probably start shopping with other teams to drum up a bidding war, but I absolutely will not re-open talks with this owner. He has to make the move, because I’ve got the scarce asset, and I’m willing to say no to get what I want.  Of the three I’m asking for, I really want Gaudreau for reasons outlined above, and because he’s brilliant.

*

By the way, this is two straight times that the Blues have put forth a piss-poor effort leading to Hutton getting shelled only for the Blues to go back to Hutton the next game and him to put forth great numbers. He’s locked in. Jake Allen is still a threat, and for that reason Hutton owners shouldn’t get too cocky, but you should be damned confident, especially if he’s your third goalie.

Vince Dunn is on a bit of a roll lately stealing away sole possession of the lone defenseman spot on the top power play unit. He bagged three assists last night, giving him seven points in the last 10 games. File him under “deeper leagues or desperation”, but there’s value here.

More impactful is how he’s stealing time from Alex Pietrangelo, who was held scoreless in four straight before picking up a goal last night. Pietrangelo has fallen off a bit, after that torrid start, but is still plugging away at roughly a 45-point pace here in the second half. A lack of PP production is notable in that diminished pace. Worth monitoring.

*

The Blues chased Jonthan Bernier who hasn’t been the same since their winning streak ended. Of course, losing Nathan MacKinnon hasn’t helped, but with Semyon Varlamov back in the mix I have no confidence in Bernier’s fantasy value.

*

Holy smokes, here comes Sam Reinhart! The forward has 13 points in the last 10 games. He is back on a line with Jack Eichel and has reclaimed his net-front spot on the Sabres’ rejuvenated power play. I still have some skepticism in Reinhart’s long-term viability, but he’s a former lottery pick, only 22 and in just his third season, so he gets some benefit of the doubt.

Kyle Okposo has cooled off a bit with Reinhart grabbing his Eichel minutes, but he’s still picking up PP points. 13 points in the last 12 games for Okposo.

*

Nico Hischier update: the rookie has 13 points in 29 games since the start of December. Hopefully, you have been following along and jumped out on him weeks ago, but if not, understand that it isn’t getting any better. I don’t totally blame Hischier either. He’s a really good player and gets exposure to Taylor Hall at even strength. However, he isn’t used on the top PP unit and his numbers are middling as a result.

*

Notorious second-half assassin Dougie Hamilton continues to roll here in 2018. The defenseman has 12 points in 15 games since the start of January. He should be heavily targeted not only because of his second-half steeliness, but because of Calgary’s favourable H2H schedule as noted above.

You might even find that you can get Hamilton cheap as his current pace has him only getting 43, but I’d bet on him hitting 50.

*

Konecny’s second-half heroics are also on point. He has 17 points in 18 games since Christmas. Two quibbles: a lack of top unit power play time (Philly’s second PP unit is awful) and what happens if he gets bumped from the top line. Ride him while he’s hot.

*

An overtime score kept the Matt Duchene/Mike Hoffman engine churning. Hoffman has a five-game scoring streak going, while Duchene is up to 15 points in his last 15 games. Have these two found chemistry, and will it be enough to spare Hoffman from the chopping block? For at least this season I have to figure that Hoffman is safe. It’s just so much easier to complete a blockbuster in the off-season, especially when the league is inundated with rental options.

*

Adam Erne is the latest Lightning youngster to get a crack, and this season going the way it has, he of course scored in his season debut. Of course, he only saw 11 minutes of action, similar to what he saw during his 26-game cameo last season that saw him total a whopping three points. This Lightning team is in better position to assist a young talent though, so he could be more productive this time around. Bottom line, he has scored at roughly a 45-point pace at the AHL level for three years running. It’s tough to see him eclipsing that. He should offer some multi-category value as a guy who has averaged over 1.0 PIM per game in the AHL. Read more on Erne here.

Alex Killorn hasn’t been very consistent this season, but he did have that five-point explosion against Calgary last week. Now he has points in back-to-back games. Perhaps signs of warming up. He’s getting a bit more top-six time, skating with Kucherov and Brayden Point last night. More importantly, Killorn has been used on Tampa Bay’s top PP unit as the bumper option for most of the season. He probably should have more than just eight PP points.

Kucherov’s 11-game goalless drought is now over. That shriek was the rest of the league gasping in horror.

*

Arizona’s competent second half continues. They are 4-5-4, with a goal differential of only minus-eight since the start of January. That’s run-of-the-mill bad! A huge improvement. A big reason is a healthy and confident Antti Raanta, who is back playing after missing a game following a car accident earlier this month.

Raanta has started 10 of the last 13 games and is providing some consistent netminding. His save percentage has climbed to 0.916 thanks to a string of six quality starts in those 10 games. Not a terrible option if you need a third goaltender, although I suspect wins will still be scarce.

Not doing much in the second half: Arizona’s offense. Here are their leading scorers since January 1:

  Points

GP

Derek Stepan

10

13

Christian Dvorak

9

13

Nick Cousins

7

12

Christian Fischer

6

12

Brendan Perlini

6

13

Oliver Ekman-Larsson

6

13

Clayton Keller

5

13

Alex Goligoski

5

12

Kevin Connauton

5

10

  You gotta hand it to Stepan for remaining effective in a league so reliant on speed. He moves like he’s dragging a loaded cart with a busted wheel behind him.

*

There is some indication that Roberto Luongo will return for the Panthers next week. This sets up an awkward situation with James Reimer back this week, and Harri Sateri rolling so well. That alone may be reason enough for the Panthers to be extra cautious with Luongo and allow him to take his time. Reimer and Luongo combine to make over $8M this year, so no matter how good this little run from Sateri has been, he’s the odd man out.

*

Just when Michael Hutchinson had worked his way back to the NHL, he is out with a concussion suffered in practice. He joins backup Steve Mason who is also out with a concussion. You never know how long a concussion will last. Paul Maurice indicated that it’s too early to say that the Jets are in the market for goaltending help.

Top prospect Eric Comrie has been called up to fill the backup spot for the time being. Comrie’s AHL numbers are quite solid but he shouldn’t be considered a threat to Connor Hellebuyck. Read more about Comrie here.

*

Some bigger names on waivers today with Brendan Smith, Marcus Kruger and Josh Jooris available to all teams. None of these guys are fantasy relevant, and none are likely to get claimed. What’s interesting is how quickly remorse has set in for the Rangers who signed Smith to a four-year deal this summer and the Hurricanes who willingly took on the two years left on Kruger’s deal in a trade with Vegas. While these are useful players teams still need to learn to avoid spending on bottom of the roster talent.

I’ve discussed the Rangers’ rebuild ad nauseum so I won’t go too deep here, but they did release a letter to their fans outlining their intent to rebuild. Check that out if you haven’t yet.

*

Thanks for reading! You can follow me @SteveLaidlaw.

from All About Sports https://dobberhockey.com/hockey-rambling/ramblings-dougie-hamilton-second-half-superstar-feb-9/

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Barely Decent Cena vs Magnanimiz

Transmission date: Monday 27/Tuesday 28

. I desperately need something to get the Fresh Prince theme out of my head, so let's watch some FRIDAY AFTERNOON RAW! .

we're in Green Bay, WI this week .

(go packers) .

and opening with goldberg, for some reason .

who they show doing his whole intro trek through backstage, but that just makes it look like he's late for the show .

should be running along with a sandwich hanging out of his mouth .

bill goldberg, late for anime wrestling school .

well this is the slowest opening of a show ever .

like, even last episode's three hours of recaps were at least video of something interesting happening .

this is just a middle-aged man walking through corridors and high-fiving fans .

while the audience chant his name like a death march .

and now he gets to do a promo on kevin .

goldberg apparently objects to talking .

and yet is doing so himself .

christ, i've just thought .

what if this is all a vehicle for him taking the title off kevin, then dropping it to brock at mania? .

fuck that shit .

but i could totally see wwe doing it .

anyway, goldberg has promised death to kevin .

and here he is .

still rocking the tie of evil .

opens his counter-promo with "Hey Bill, you're in a good mool...modle...moodleood...mood." .

ladies and gentlemen, learned english in his teens .

kevin is here listing all his accomplishments and the people he's beat .

at least i think that's what he's saying, is just hard to say because of more FUCKING DRILLING next door .

seriously, how have they not run out of wall yet .

shut the fuck up .

goldberg is pissed and wants to fight now .

kevin doesn't give a shit .

challenges him to a street fight, fires up the crowd, then remembers he's in green bay and is just like these guys don't deserve me fuck it and walks back .

god, i love this man .

kevin is promising to kill the goldberg chant on sunday .

that'll be an achievement .

given that it's survived several years without goldberg so well .

but next, we have the new day .

brief shot of them backstage bewildering runners .

and now we have them in the arena, pouring cereal over children .

somehow this has become the new normal .

they've got a new ice cream shirt .

because of course .

kofi is leading ice cream chants like a revivalist preacher .

big e does a cheesy line about the shining stars, immediately clarifies that he didn't write it .

and now here come the latino stereotypes themselves .

an official has just given xavier an envelope .

the shining stars actually have a match later .

so yeah, it's an oscars joke .

they're actually facing rusev and jinder .

as ever .

the shining stars will be fighting the big show later .

rusev's lost the mask, but is still going with handsome rusev .

having apparently got over that horrendous facial trauma in the course of a week .

big e and xavier in for the new day, which is weird .

big e splashes jinder on the apron, casually bounces off to land on his feet on the floor .

nice little move .

lana's back to the suit jacket and bustier combination .

handsome and hardbody are just beating the piss out of xavier .

which means new day are going to win .

also the fact that the other team are rusev and jinder .

anyone remember when rusev was an undefeated main-eventer? .

i mean, that angle also gave us a ridiculous amount of uncomfortable jingoism, but at least rusev got to win things .

xavier hits a huge top rope crossbody on jinder across two thirds of the ring .

it's a shame he doesn't fight more .

kofi and lana have an argument about blueprint hacking, xavier pins jinder while everyone's distracted .

new day win, tension sown between rusev and mahal .

they're going to announce another hof member to night .

bet i know who it is .

largely because this happened four days ago and i have facebook .

recap video of enzo and cass beating cesaro and sheamus .

travesty .

and now enzo and cass are in the locker room .

enzo is ranting about how the championship will help him get girls and he will never take it off

.

cass is like dude slow down they've won tag titles everywhere and we've won them precisely nowhere .

enzo has not slowed down much .

cut to cesaro and sheamus .

sheamus is annoyed, cesaro is trying to calm his bro down .

but here is samoa joe .

i forgot him and cesaro are old friends .

frantically antagonise each other, joe walks off .

and cut to steph terrorising a runner .

and here is mick .

in a white suit .

the fuck .

well, pale .

steph wants to apologise to him .

apparently it's the 17th anniversary of hhh ending his career .

and steph is disappointed with the fallen glory of mick foley she's hired .

she's like dude what happened to you when did you get old and shit .

she's apologising for giving him this job at all .

walks off, mick stares into the camera for a while, cut to ads .

that was weird .

but fuck that shit, now we have akira tozawa .

BLAHHHHHH BLAH BLAH BADALAH .

still think that sounds like a gorillaz hook .

brian gets a featureless void promo about his lessons for tozawa .

can't help but feel like we might get lesson 3 tonight .

but also, we have noam dar and his delightful ayrshireness .

apparently we're getting swann and tozawa v dar and kendrick at the fastlane kickoff .

for whatever reason .

but hey, sounds like a fun match .

tozawa immediately opens with kicking the shit out of noam .

man's got rage .

and in his sage words .

HA .

distraction by alicia lets noam push akira off the turnbuckle .

does his fingerlock armbreaker, and now i'm just like 'meh, you're no pete dunne' .

beautiful suicida, as ever .

noam gets some retaliation, then snap german for the pin .

kendrick attacks tozawa from behind, which was TOTALLY UNEXPECTED .

throws him into a ring post, then goes and gets a mic .

lesson #3: .

be on your guard at all times, because any of your friends could turn out to be a douchebag pirate .

up next, women's tag match .

but first, mick has an existential crisis backstage .

and joe is here to be like hey dude what's your problem .

mick basically just takes all the things steph said about him and says them about joe .

and gives him a match with cesaro .

looking forward to that .

and mick seems to have gone a bit more hard-edged since the steph segment .

but now we have dana and charlotte .

charlotte no longer has the belt, so her holding her robe open just looks a bit LOOK AT MY CROTCH .

charlotte can't get over bayley not giving her the belt back .

and is trying to spin this as bayley showing her true colours .

*forced oscar reference counter dings* .

and because bayley is the audience surrogate, if she's actually awful, we must all be awful .

apparently bayley is a one-hit wonder .

and now she's listing one hit wonders and green bay sports icons .

has she got cass's script by mistake .

although it doesn't sound like she's even heard of american football before .

bayley has tired of this speech, hit her music .

corey is still ripping on bayley while she does her entrance, which is an endless fount of joy .

acting chops there .

bayley does a speech which basically boils down to haha fuck you i'm the champ .

points at the siiiiiiign .

charlotte gets the number of days to mania wrong, even though they keep saying it .

promises to beat bayley at fastlane in fornt of her dad, now here's sasha .

like hun, not everyone has your daddy issues .

charlotte gets a speech, bayley gets a speech, sasha gets a speech, dana stands there like hi i'm a wrestler too .

sasha gives up mid-promo like fuck it, we have a match .

charlotte is like yeah, but this one isn't my partner .

enter nia .

dana seems unimpressed with this turn of events .

as soon as nia and bayley are in together, i'm just sat here remembering how good takeover brooklyn was .

whereas this match is kind of sloppy .

on the upside, bayley did ten punches in the corner and the crowd actually remembered there were numbers below ten .

dana grabs bayley's leg, the ref just shouts at her instead o going for the dq .

but she takes a bayley to belly on the floor, so *shrug*

.

immediately whisked away by officials, apparently to get treatment for a rib injury

.

so effective participation there .

apparently charlotte is the only thing corey believes in .

strange choice of cult, but i'll allow it .

bayley gets the guillotine choke on nia, huge pop from the crowd, who apparently also remember takeover brooklyn .

and nia hits bayley with sasha, then leg drop for the pin .

odd choice of ending .

oh, apparently seth's interview's going to be in-ring, rather than featureless void .

but now we're backstage, with mick apologising to braun that he doesn't have a match for him tonight .

but braun wants a contract signing for his match at fastlane instead .

odd choices all round .

"It looks like Braun and Roman might be in the same ring tonight, live on Raw!" .

well yeah cole, that happens approximately every week .

but now we have cass/gallows, in a match i'm finding it hard to give a shit about .

surprisingly, it turns out there's only one word to describe gallows and anderson .

along with everybody else .

do enzo and cass actually only know one adjective? .

the match is underway, and i don't think enzo's taken a breath yet .

just a constant stream of noise and unfocused motion, like an otter who's done a bad batch of pcp .

anderson tries to cause a distraction, gets whipped into the stairs for his trouble .

while gallows takes a big boot for the pin .

gj, champions .

we've won titles all over the world, but can be effortlessly manhandled by a little Italian-American shitweasel .

hype section for fastlane, in which corey tries to convince us that

.

reigns/strowman is a match of the same stature as owens/goldberg .

which seems super disingenuous compared with the rest of their hype .

but yeah, later we have that contract signing .

lucky us .

but now we have titus/sheamus? .

and here, have a facebook live video that explains it .

in which titus badmouths sheamus's best bro and offers him a tag team opportunity .

in which titus tries to pass himself off as irish .

this is a sheamus solo match, so we once again get to see his intro in all its seraphic glory

.

.

thanks for the nameplate, or i'd be concerned i was witness to the second coming .

sheamus tries to get in the ring, gets kicked in the face .

and beaten into the apron a bunch .

let's deperately try and cement sheamus as a face by having him coldcocked by a massive twat .

and then brogue kick for the pin .

that was literally his first move .

huh .

and the crowd cheer, so clearly it's working .

he's still kind of a dick, but so are most of the babyfaces on this show .

later, cesaro fights joe, giving me hope that this is all leading in to a joe/titus team .

(disclaimer: i do not want this to happen) .

but next, corey interviews seth .

after this video about how great mania is going to be you guys you should totally get the network .

first, corey has a piece on mic to introduce recap videos of what's been going on with seth and hunter .

including the shot of his knee exploding .

why do we need to keep seeing this .

yeesh .

wow, that was a long video .

but we're back .

seth comes in using one crutch, and as a person with one good leg, i can assure you he's using it quite wrongly .

seth promises to be back "soon" .

so who really knows .

at least he acknowledges that, and says it'll be what it is .

seth is starting to ask whether he deserves this .

nuuuu .

let's all give him a hug .

and he's questioning whether it's worth it that he sacrificed evertyhing for his career when this happens .

fuck off with your cm punk chants, green bay .

some serious soul-searching going on here .

corey asks seth if he'll be at mania, seth has an emotional moment .

it's a 'probably not' .

oh, and here comes triple h .

fuck off, hunter .

looking somewhat more jovial than the situation would suggest .

points behind seth to where samoa joe is suddenly lurking .

hunter dictates that seth won't be at mania, and confirms that yes, he does deserve this .

this whole speech is basically 'yes, you entered into a faustian deal, and yes, i am the devil, but you kind of knew all this going in' .

wow, i'd kind of forgotten what douchebag hunter was like .

i'm so used to nxt wrestling dad hunter .

can we all stop using 'man up' already .

hunter promises that if seth pulls the same shit at mania as he did at takeover, he's firing and/or murdering him .

seth reminds hunter of the whole 'nothing left to lose' thing, and swears to be at mania, and if hunter kills him, he'll kill him right back

.

this angle is getting interesting .

shockingly, joe walks out with hunter and doesn't blindside seth .

yet another hype for the brauman contract signing .

because apparently we should be excited about this .

and here comes the shining stars again, now that they actually have a match .

i say 'match', it's more 'opportunity for us to try and make the big show credible again' .

primo opens the match by giving show a brochure .

goes about as well as you'd expect .

show just has this constant 'the fuck are these guys' look .

which seems fair, tbh .

epico tries to crossbody show, just gets caught with a fist to the face

magic fist to epico, chokeslam to primo for the pin

(shining stars may actually be the other way round. WWEm takes no responsibility for mixing up utterly interchangeable and unremarkable superstars.)

but now let's have a segment where wrestlers tell us about mlk

i can't help but feel it might be a better idea to just play an mlk speech

that way, a social justice icon isn't being endorsed to the world by r-fucking-truth

but now, neville talks to tony nese in the locker room

apparently they're tagging against tjp and gallagher

neville gets a whole speech about how this match is about putting those two in their place

nese looks at his weird biceps throughout, then is just like yeah cool whatever

.

dude i'm in this for myself and don't really respect your rulership .

but before that match, let's have that video package about austin coming back again .

which should be good, but it will presumably mean losing him off commentary, where he has been an absolute joy .

jack and tj come in together to jack's intro .

nothing has ever fit less with tjp and his purple puffa jacket .

neville and nese come in together, which largely serves to emphasise how they're basically wearing the same fucking gear .

corey makes an exceptionally niche masters of the universe reference .

apparently neville's doing a 'state of 205 live address' .

on 205, that is, not now .

now, he's kicking tjp's face off .

which is a shame, it's his best feature .

detonation kick and corner dropkick to nese, leading into an incredibly strange double armbar/repeated kicks to the head combination .

nese taps, while neville just stands there watching like yeah cool do what you like .

hof announcement, finally .

and it's beth phoenix .

as you'll know if you, like me, are like a week in the future .

but next, it's cesaro/joe .

aka 'totally the main event don't take any shit' .

but first, bayley and sasha commiserate backstage .

sasha promises to be ringside for her match at fastlane, steph turns up to be like oh hey sasha are you still trying to take care of poor lil bayley well don't worry you've got a match with nia on sunday .

thinking about it, are there really only five people in the raw women's division? .

cos i'm having trouble thinking of more .

sort it out, guys .

but now it's that indie technical legend match .

cesaro casually deadlift suplexes joe, because he's still a freak of nature .

and again .

cesaro goes for a sharpshooter, joe goes for the innovative counter of 'punching him in the face repeatedly' .

cesaro's injured his knee, so he's trying to punch the life back into it .

bold move .

it's not going well for him .

and joe hits a massive uranage for the pin .

that was good, but mostly just serving cesaro being injured .

really hoping this leads into a feud, because these two are both amazing when they've got the stage for it .

charly catches joe for an interview on the ramp, asks how he made such an impact so quickly .

and joe's just like I CAME HERE TO HURT PEOPLE FUCK EVERYBODY .

sami's music interrupts his speech about how he's gjoing to kill anyone and everyone, then sami flies in from stage right to attack him .

oh, so that's the feud we're going for .

welp, can't complain .

sami gets lots of offence, security pull him off leading to joe coldcocking him .

and sami hits a beautiful tope off the stage to continue the brawl .

so now they've got half a dozen security guys holding them back and forcing them out of the room so we can clear the arena for this exciting contract signing .

network shill segment, during which cole manages to claim it's the 30th anniversary of the network .

either i fell asleep again and it's 2044, or this is untrue .

here's mick, with a table, upon which is a clipboard, upon which is a contract containing about five words in 340-point font .

does a little legalese speech, only

.

fBRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH

.

braun stomps in, fluffs his line, tells mick to fuck away off .

mick's like hey i know i'm gonna lose this job soon, but i've still got it, so respect plz .

so braun calls him a "broken-down suburban dad" .

mick finally loses it and is like FUCK YOU I'M A LEGEND .

why is this angle just the ongoing breakdown of mick foley .

braun knocks mick's mic away, is handily interrupted by roman's entrance .

braun intercepts him, whips him *over* the ring steps .

which was quite impressive .

guys, wait for the contract to actually be signed before brawling through the arena .

braun adjourns to the tech area, where he can return to his ongoing endeavour of trying to punch out all of roman's blood .

just be careful, because while it would be super hardcore to slam someone

.

through the tech keeping this show on the air, we do need to have a show .

roman spears braun through the barricade into the timekeeper's area, flattening some poor due in a shinsuke tshirt .

braun stays down, roman stalks back to the paperwork area .

spoke to soon, he's back .

this is giving roman so much face heat people are actually chanting for him .

braun whips him into the turnbuckle so hard he pops the top rope out with his face .

been a while since we've seen some ring damage going on on raw .

braun struts up the ramp like hey guys i killed a man .

roman pulls himself up just enough to sign the paper .

braun's face is just like oh cool i get to kill you a second time that doesn't usually happen .

and we fade on roman leaning against the contract table checking all his organs are still there .

of course, i guess we all take on faith that our organs are still where they're meant to be .

would we necessarily notice if they moved? .

brb, gonna go check my organs .

play a calming interlude, daniel

.

------------

i said 'calming', not 'noisecore'

.

you've got some interesting taste .

anyway, at least 70% of my organs are present and correct, so i'mma call that one a win and roll on to SATURDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN! .

(yeah, it's saturday night now) .

(deal with it) .

so yes, back into the increasingly strange rabbit hole that is smackdown .

we open on shane and bryan rewatching the debacular ending of that battle royal .

and claiming that you really can't see who went first .

but in a kind of self-aware way .

aj turns up like hey, i know i won, so you can just give me it if you want .

riffs on luke harper, who is totally right behind him .

shockingly lets him leave without bloodshed, then thanks bryan and shane and leaves .

with the two of them like ummmm the fuck just happened .

and titles .

wait, how long has ellsworth been in there? .

but in the arena now, and here comes mike the movie star .

how many clunky oscars references are on their way right now .

I'm going with 'a lot' .

it's miztv, so him and maryse are in human formalwear .

oh right, this is off the back of miz eliminating cena last time .

so he's the guest tonight .

*oscar reference ding* .

cena winds up to talk, miz orders his mic cut .

because this is his talk show goddammit .

and launches straight into a dazzling tirade of invective at cena for everything he's done to him over the last decade .

apparently cena is only where he is because of connections and manipulation .

miz has all but accused him of sleeping with management .

waxes lyrical about the time he beat cena at mania, because people do tend to forget that happened .

brings up cena taking it to the rock for leaving wrestling to go to hollywood and then doing the same thing .

which is fair .

oh wow, they've actually managed to get you sold out chants for cena .

"You're not Super Cena any more! You're barely Decent Cena!" .

lines like this are why we keep miz around .

but yeah, i can't really argue with miz angling himself as the guy who's been working hard in the company every day while being enormously underappreciated

.

come on mike, i just agreed with you, then you had to go and call ric flair the greatest of all time .

magnanimiz has given cena a mic .

and he is just like dude how was this special people give me this shit every week .

and also hey if i was running this shit behind the scenes i wouldn't be in here with you .

ohhhhhhhhhh burn unit .

apparently you can't fake heart .

which, frankly, gives me a little more confidence in that organ check .

cena accuses miz of stealing jericho's personality when he debuted .

which is p much true .

i do enjoy industry-aware cena .

calls miz 'a dude dressed up as a dude playing another dude' .

oh hey gender-essentialist cena .

feel free to stop doing that .

okay, that wasn't as fiery as some of his promos can be, but smark cena is fun .

and now maryse gets to take it to john, which is weird .

this is the most she's talked in months .

and it's not for the good .

calls john a "control egomaniac freak", does the small penis joke, slaps him .

and he's just like yeeeeeeah bad idea .

enter nikki bella .

miz and maryse vanish, nikki and cena make out in ring .

this gets applause, despite it being the same as miz and maryse .

but hey, wrestling .

in any case, later we have harper/styles, and also bray delivering an invocation .

whatever the fuck that means .

but now it's lynch/james 2 out of 3 .

after a quote from oprah winfrey and one sentence from otunga .

looks like that's all the black history month we're getting today .

this is a weirdly long mat-based chain wrestling phase .

and as soon as i say that, becky baseball slides mickie into the barricade .

welp .

this is another one of their ongoing kick vs. lariat matches .

hey, if you do something well... .

and mickie hits a mickiedt for the first pin .

i've said it before, but you've got to respect someone who can make a flapjack a good move .

mickie goes to the top rope, becky dodges and steals a rollup for the second fall .

and here's alexa, distracting the ref while becky dodges a mick kick and gets a pin .

bullfights mickie into alexa, disarmher for the win .

well, that was...short .

like, 2 out of 3 feels a little pointless when it's no longer than a normal match .

but now, harper in the lightbulb room .

doing a whole speech .

apparently he has fought his demons into submission and they've given him .

new eyes to see the truth .

is this fucking deathnote .

wyatt cut, and bray's in his smoke room .

apparently randy is his blood .

and he's going to turn mania into his dark god-kingdom .

i'd watch it .

and now, dasha interviews alexa backstage about how that last match went wrong .

alexa kicks off with a questionable oscars reference, but saves it .

you'll interview me on my fucking terms goddammit .

she's now doing a whole tearful acceptance speech for the belt .

natalya turns up slowclapping, sends dasha away .

and goes on to congratulate both alexa and herself .

and angle for the belt .

in a weird way .

boops alexa's nose and walks off .

so that happened .

and now, renee interviews aj, who is steadfastly denying that his feet went down first and spinning a whole conspiracy theory .

and there he goes .

oh shit, harper/styles is now? .

i assumed this'd be our main event .

what are they going to put on after it? .

who knows .

smackdown is edited by an epileptic gibbon at the best of times .

closeups of wood v they don't want none .

too close to call .

oh, apparently what we have after this is a crews/ziggler chairs match .

... .

i have no words here .

well, i had 'epileptic gibbon', but i clearly fired that shot too soon .

harper opens by throwing aj around the ring, then putting him on the turnbuckle and walking away .

and follows up with the unexpected dropkick they clearly taught him and braun at the wyatt academy .

thus far, harper is just miles ahead of aj .

which is not a thing i ever saw myself saying .

aj drops out of the ring, then as harper follows, kicks his leg out on the apron, then does a full-on pele kick to his head

.

lovely sequence there .

i am hearing deafening duelling chants for aj styles and luke harper .

when did i slip into this alternate universe, and can i stay .

rolling senton over the ropes followed by kicking aj in the face .

i've been saying it for years, but the man has the most diverse and impressive moveset in the company .

case in point, tope suicida that didn't land neck-first .

just realised his signature powerbomb has the same setup as the styles clash .

aj counters into a phenomenal blitz, harper is just like ummmmm no and hits an enormous dragon suplex, because fuck you i know all the moves i'm luke harper .

and then after the ad break, that powerbomb actually hits and ow .

aj hits a phenomenal forearm from nowhere, gets a pin because the ref didn't see luke's foot on the ropes .

aj's music hits, then gives way to shane's .

they don't want THE MONEYYYYYYY .

but yeah, shane is restarting the match because it's for a mania main event and fuck that finish .

aj goes out to shout at shane, then dodges a kick so harper kicks shane in the face like a train .

because it wouldn't be the same if shane didn't take a bump .

and then aj hits a springboard 450 for the pin .

so that stoppage changed so much .

but there's still a lot of room for further screwery .

so yeah, aj's walking off with the win but nobody's entirely sure what's going on .

tom tells us there's no better time to sign up for the network, and then tells us to sign up after thursday to get mania .

MAKE YOUR MIND UP, MAN .

and now renee interviews john and nikki .

or tries to, but here come carmella and ellsworth .

carmella gets james to talk smack at nikki, cena's just like um hey guys can i interject .

so now john and nikki are calling this a mixed tag match next week .

okay, apparently dean has a match now? .

i have no fucking clue what's going on on this show .

Smackdown LIVE: Wrestling, but if you'd just done a bunch of meth .

but actually now, we have a thing about beth phoenix and bryan congratulating aj backstage .

but he walks off because he wants to attend bray's invocation in person .

dude, it's fine, we've got another couple matches before then .

or not .

dean walks in, hits dirty deeds on curt hawkins (who is apparently there) and gets on the mic .

so yeah, he's got a bunch of venting to do about everyone's favourite personality-free biker tool although, to be fair, that description could be about an allen key

.

i mean baron, is my point .

dean wants a fight now, cue baron appearing on the tron from his lurking alleyway to tell dean he is not the demon that comes when its name is called .

thank fuck, he's lost the shit-tash .

does a formulaic speech about how he's going to fuck dean up, dean's just like yeah dude whatever we'll finish this later .

so that advanced matters .

thanks, guys .

but yes, now we have the other match nobody knew was a thing .

after a promo by neville about why we should all hate jack gallagher .

(btw watch 205) .

chairs are arranged around the ring more or less at random .

it's very artistic .

tom tells us that steels chairs are legal in this match .

which rather puts paid to my image of apollo crews beating dolph down with a wing-backed leather armchair .

although he does blindside dolph on the way to the ring .

there's one whirlwind reaped .

drags him into the ring, ref says fuck it and rings the bell .

dolph's still wearing his horrible pink entrance shirt to fight in, which is weird .

although it does hide a small fraction of his godawful silver stars and stripes tights, so small mercies .

crews does the thing where you put a chair on top of someone and then moonsault them, and i'm always kind of at a loss as to how that would make it worse .

but yeah, physics != wrestling .

crews unfolds a chair mid-ring, then ends up getting dropped into it throat-first .

when will a wrestler build a thing and not have it be their undoing .

i thought that was meant to be mad scientists .

and then dolph atomic drops crews crotch-first onto the chair for the pin .

...yeah, don't do that .

and again, how is that not logically a dq .

like, the chair's legal but the low blow isn't .

but hey, whatever

.

wrestling .

dolph shouts at him some more, then flounces off .

jbl reiterates that there's no better time to subscribe, but you should wait until thursday .

to be fair, thursday was two days ago .

so clearly he is talking to me through time .

or maybe the writing is bad .

but in any case, invocation time .

apparently talking smack will feature american alpha, who you may recognise .

were completely fucking absent from this show .

but here comes our dark lord, using his awesome and dreaded power to make tom's mic short out .

wait shit, that gave david otunga space to talk .

i take it back .

a+ evil .

bray opens like cool, it's aj, i don't give a shit, i could ritually murder either of them .

and aj will realise his weakness when faced by a deity .

and feel the spirit of beelzebub himself .

apparently randy's not here because he's in hell .

but hell has wifi, because here he is on the tron .

hell in this case is bray's barn .

and randy's wearing a shirt, which is fucking bizarre .

randy like here i am at the centre of your world WHICH ISN'T MINE IT WAS ALL A FAKEOUT OHHHHHHHHH .

so yeah, here's the reverse turn we've all been waiting for .

apparently the barn is special because it's where abigail (who is satan's sister) is buried .

and randy has a pickaxe .

well this got very attitude very fast .

we keep getting shots of the patch of worm-infested earth he's dug up .

randy's going to burn abigail and kill bray by doing so .

and this will somehow make bray his servant? .

is randy a necromancer? .

who knows .

randy stops the rocking chair, grabs a gas can and starts lighting that shit up .

or at least, dousing that shit .

randy is playing this remarkably straight, and it's working .

three cans of petrol later, leaves the barn and lights a match .

and boom goes the devilbarn .

apparently randy's sending abigail to eternal damnation .

which seems like it wouldn't bother satan's sister .

and we fade on bray rocking and crying as randy poses in front of his burning hell temple .

so...that happened? .

actual plot development holy shit .

and it is so nice to see the dark storylines actually gain some depth .

but yes, fastlane next, and that starts in 24 hours and 10 minutes .

i'm calling that a win .

right, off to desecrate and burn a church of a deity i disagree with .

...yeah, i'm pretty sure that's a bad thing .

(also, daniel has his lawyer hat on and would like me to clarify that i will not in fact do that)

.

(seriously, why does he even have that thing) .

(man has many jobs) .

(our hiring budget is as existent as he is)

[oplishin]

shieldposting: dec 10 2012 raw

big show vs cena is definitely. a match that happened. im honestly a pretty bad judge of match quality, it was fine. big show's knees make me nervous

this end of raw brawl is shot impressively poorly. rest in piss kevin dunn

WHY WAS RYBACK SO OVER IN 2012 WHAT THE FUCK

I've been wondering why roman looks so weird to me: he didn't have his full tattoo yet!! just the shoulder piece

why did raw just end in the middle of the brawl rest in PISS kevin dunn