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resslington-is-my-otp · 3 years ago

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Disclaimer: the following piece is a part of my ongoing rewrite of TBL’s backstory for Raymond Reddington, and, since I'm enjoying his dynamic with Donald, I'll also include here some pieces of his backstory (also different from canon) which—I hope so—casts some light on Raymond’s and Don’s lives, their dreams, aspirations, hopes. What they hate, love, and what fears they hide beneath their exteriors.

As far as I'm concerned, their lives have always run parallel to each other. The show, unfortunately, took another path and has never bothered to explore it, but I'm actually grateful they hadn't.

Despite their backgrounds and moral compasses, these two share a profound bond,—even if, at first, they don't realize it yet. More than physical attraction or romance.

Haunted by the darkness in their hearts, they both, against all odds, reach for the light—

For hope.

You’ve no idea how I wish something similar, something that would truly have brought Diego’s immense talent to portraying complex emotions and inner struggles, something that has made me fall in love with him after Anslo Garrick arc, happened on TBL.

April, 1995.

Ressler dies in Detroit.

He loses a part of himself the night when his father gets murdered.

1975.

14-year old Andrew Gray (formerly known as Андрей Краснов/Andrei Krasnov) moves with his mother to Detroit to start a new life—again.

Andrei and his mother, Надежда Краснова/Nadezhda Krasnova, now—Nadine Johnson—flee the USSR, cross the Canadian border, and end up in Detroit. They’re on the run from Владимир Гронский/Vladimir Gronsky—an abusive husband, and a so-called “father”.

5th of February, 1976.

Andrei dies in Detroit.

He reaches the point of no return two days shy from his 16th birthday on the 7th of February—when Vladimir Gronsky locates their new home and beats his mother up.

Andrei tries to shoot Gronsky with a handgun he’s bought for the summer job money.

Gronsky, wounded, but not dead, hurries to leave, not wanting to risk a chance being caught by the local police.

Nadezhda bleeds to death on the floor of her apartment.

Andrei flees the scene.

1997.

Donald forsakes his aspirations to serve in the Marine Corps. Instead, he chooses another path—Don puts all his passion into becoming an FBI agent, so he can hold accountable all those who’re to blame for his Dad’s death.

“Revenge isn’t a passion, it’s a disease.”

There was a condition under which Nadezhda Krasnova had convinced her old flame—a top official in the Ministry of International Affairs Сергей Родионов/Sergey Rodionov—to help her escape.

On Andrei’s 18th birthday, the Rezidentura agents will approach him, offering him a choice—to go back to Moscow, straight into Gronsky’s “care” where he’ll be abused for the rest of his life with no one to protect him, or to stay here, and become someone his mother could proud of.

And, of course—to hold up his mother’s end of the bargain.

1995.

Vladimir Gronsky—in the past, a respected Major General, and now—an old drunk, who’s barely making ends meet—is found dead in his apartment in Moscow.

The coroner report shows Gronsky’s body being shot up—two bullets went through his knees, one—in his groin, one—in abdomen, one—point blank between his eyes.

Gronsky’s neighbors’ statements leave the local police baffled:

No one has heard anything.

1997.

In an attempt to escape the suffocating memories, 18-year old Donald moves from Detroit to Chicago. He studies—part-time because after his father’s death his family was struggling to make ends meet—at the North Park University in Chicago, pursuing his Bachelor Degree in Criminal Justice, and moonlighting as a dishwasher (janitor at times) in local diners and bars.

He holds a lot of contempt towards the moneybags who frequent the establishments and throw money into the wind while he has to count every dime.

In his 3rd year of studies, Donald picks a courier job in the local police precinct. A year after—starts an internship in the same precinct, simultaneously preparing for the FBI’s Academy gruesome application process and entrance exams.

1980.

The Rezidentura in Washington decides it’s time for 20-year old Andrei to sail off on a longtime undercover mission.

He is a natural—despite his young age, in two years after the Rezidentura took him in, he’s made quite a leap from a street kid with rough edges and heavy Russian accent to an educated young man fluent at four languages. And—to a man who’s lethal to anyone, with or without weapons.

During his stay under Rezidentura’s protection, Andrei learns that the most valuable resource at his possession is information.

He’s spent his adolescent years in a working-class neighborhood. It wouldn’t be fair to say the street has raised him—his mother, whenever she can, between her jobs and side hustles, tries to steer his troubled heart to do the right thing and keep out of trouble—but it definitely has influenced him more than he cares to admit.

Andrei is smart enough not to mess around with local gangs, and whenever he can, he minds his own business, knowing his mother wouldn’t make it if he ends up in jail.

However, he soon discovers the existence of tight-knit neighborhoods occupied by the immigrants from the USSR. Despite his mother’s orders, he secretly visits them, hiding behind a fake first name, and connects with some of his Homeland’s people from time to time because it’s the only place he feels truly accepted. But he never makes any friendships (although he wants to)—he fears someone could rat him out to Gronsky back at home.

Andrei hasn’t been a popular kid—a loner, a stray, the “Russian weirdo”. No one has ever taken him seriously—even teachers would shrug him off as a lost cause.

Probably, that’s why he has been a good fit for the job at Rezidentura—most of his life people would not see him as a threat, spilling their secrets in his presence.

It’ll be a couple of years from now when Andrei learns the value of deep connections. With the right people, the mere fact of acquaintance can take you far—way far than robbing a bodega or pushing dope to teens would.

Andrei doesn’t see it this way yet, but the street has given him a priceless first-hand insight into an American life, making him an ideal candidate for an “illegal”—an undercover sleeper agent posing as an American citizen.

Rezidentura spends ridiculous amounts of resources to integrate new illegals into their fake-meant-to-be-real lives. It takes years for an agent to settle, to fit in with the locals, make connections, dispel any doubts. Most of the illegals have only read about the US in books or saw photographs.

But he, Andrei, is exactly the kind of a man Rezidentura needs. Especially now when the US and the USSR compete in the nuclear wepons development and the influence over the Persian Gulf.

To be continued.

#donald ressler #raymond reddington #resslington #ressler meta&essay #my posts

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donald-is-my-man · 3 years ago

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[I wrote this before the 9x8 aired, so coincidentally, some things I cover here were also the subtext of that ep. I really feel like I should probably watch 9x8 since Ressler is finally a flawed character and not a boring by-the-book poster boy]

Ressler flees from a lot of on the TBL lately.

Suffering. Vengeance. Pain.

Responsibility.

But there's something on the inside holding power over him. Something he isn't ready to face yet, although aware of its existence. It's there, lurking in the shadows of his oxy-poisoned mind.

“Reddington. Where is he?”

“Gone. Disappeared without a trace. His lines are dead. All major law-enforcement agencies have been alerted, and nothing's come back. It's only a matter of time before his immunity agreement is revoked and the task force disbanded.”

“Good. Then we can start hunting him again.”

The naivety of Donald—he is desperate for his status quo back.

He—the hunter, Red—the prey.

To go back to square one. For things to be straightforward. Familiar. Simple. Something he can handle.

To do what he is used to doing best—put his issues on the back burner and head straight into danger. Wrap his heart with barbed wire, erecting a ten feet solid concrete wall around it.

ii.

What Donald fails to grasp—because he hasn't really mourned yet, he hasn't allowed himself to—is that things can't go back to normal with just a snap of fingers.

It takes time.

Time and a bit of effort.

And he's not ready to—

his battered, bruised, limping piece of heart isn't.

In the corners of his mind, Don knows this.

Things can't go back to once they were.

Yet somehow, at some point, you don't realize until it hits you.

They kind of...do?

And at that moment, you suddenly see the life around you. It keeps going. It keeps on, and it pulls you along with it. Even if you don't want to.

The life unfolds in front of you, with you in the middle of the slow-motion frame, the joys and lows colliding again, dashing by.

It's a long way from here for Donald.

iii.

“Donald. They'll take your badge.”

“They can have it. I left it at my apartment, along with my service weapon.”

“So that's it? You're done?”

“Yeah, I am. Look, if I stay, I'll hunt for him. I'll become obsessed with him and her.”

Obsession is a dangerous state of mind. It's a close neighbor of addiction. Either can grow and transform in and out of each other.

Yet unlike addiction, there's no fix to swallow.

Addiction is slow, it tightens itself around you like a viper.

But an obsession? The constant state of mental fever. A feeling of being trapped in a mirror room, thousands of reflections staring down at you. They whisper, shout, multiply.

Oftentimes, they are not you but the subject of your desire. So close and yet so unreachable.

What if it's physically impossible to fulfill the void left? To tend to the wounds, to tell what hadn't been told, to make up for the things that had been done?

The truth is, when they're gone, dead don't care.

Ressler specifically mentions the two people in his life who are equally important to him—and I'm telling this without any ship goggles on.

And yet, as much as he equally admits the impact these people have had on his life, he mentions them as something he no longer wants to be connected with.

Reddington.

Liz.

The consequences of their game, their skeletons in the closet, secrets, and lies have scarred Ressler for life. No wonder that after all he's been through, he wants to quit and cut off any ties.

Even if it means leaving behind one of the things, the most important thing in his life which has been keeping him from falling apart—

his job.

“I have nothing left in this world except my job.”

I don't know if many realized what Ressler is doing by leaving the FBI. It's a conscious self-inflicted amputation, with no anesthesia taken.

The last time he was obsessed with Red, Audrey had left him. He failed to shoot Red in Brussels. He nearly lost his reputation, had to climb the ladder again to prove he's worthy of hunting Reddington.

And now?

He's stripped of everything. His job. His pride. His reason to exist. Yes, he lost Liz, and he watched her die, and I don't diminish the impact of it.

But.

Let's peel it all off.

Let's look and see Ressler. Just him and his bared soul.

As years went by, as Liz and Red played their game, piece by piece he had been losing himself as well. Yes, he could handle it, could pick himself up from the ashes, could bottle up his feelings. Until they boiled up like a kettle on the fire, resulting in...

All he has now is his desire to catch Red and make him suffer for all the pain the appearance in his life had brought. There are talks about how much pain there's in Liz’s life since Red came in, but no one mentions Ressler. He's been through hell since ever Red has come into the picture.

Ressler isn't sure if he can stay within the law—hell, maybe he sure knows because he will be hunting for Red, it'll turn into bloodshed, and even the FBI won't stop him.

So, he's giving it all up.

One might see it as a weakness. Sure, to some extent it is. Running away from the issues isn’t really a showcase of courage.

But for Ressler, the nature of this decision—I fully realize how controversial this sounds, bear with me—is to keep whatever is left from his old self.

And to murder the part of himself, the part which suddenly he can't control—his heart.

He's chosen a slow suicide.

Once he starts hunting for Red again, there's no coming back. And Ressler knows it.

And he's afraid of it.

He is afraid of what he might become if he lets himself off the leash.

Ressler, a self-aware man he is, a man who has come such a long way, has the strength to admit one of his biggest fears.

He's had a taste of it already.

A taste of darkness.

Who knows what she had whispered to him. A part of him, a part he's ashamed of, is waiting there to be tempted again, to fall down in the rabbit hole of moral decay.

So he figures, he'd better outsmart her—try to tame his demons before they get to him.

Look at him talking to Cooper over the phone before he flees. Donald is self-conscious enough to admit he runs away from his problems. He's choosing to pop those pills—a classic unhealthy coping mechanism—not only because he wants to erase the reality and numb the pain.

He is consciously putting himself in limbo to hang and suffer. I'd argue he's opting for “controlled using”. I'm positive he hadn't planned to spend the rest of his days as a junkie, not with that meticulous approach. But oops, his plan sucked.

He didn't plan for any of his injuries to happen, of course, but I can't help but notice this:

he chooses the right words for the doc to prescribe him the pills; he stays in motels (as if that could help if any of his FBI colleagues wanted to locate him); withdraws the money from his accounts; ditches his phones; yet he hadn't got rid of his credit cards—maybe, he had left himself a reminder of his past life? To remind him what he could've had? He indeed has this tendency for masochism... But maybe I'm reading too much into it.

At first, he's confident that this is temporary—pills will lull the pain, and he'll deal with it, everything will be okay... But then he keeps finding himself thirsting for another fix. And another. And another.

Whatever plan he's had (if he had any), it's now gone, its crumbs licked off the table's surface, one and the only thing of a junkie taking reign—

need.

Donald is tumbling off the cliff, with no hope of survival.

iv.

“I know there are good people out there. People I could connect with. People I should connect with. But I don't. I can't. Not yet, anyway.”

This line, in my opinion, is about his own struggles, separate from Liz’s demise.

He had been broken long before Liz, and as far as I'm concerned, Liz’s death has just triggered his breakdown. Audrey deserved to mourn her in the same or even a much more destructive way, but I know it's the writers' fault, so...

I had said it before and I'll say it now—Ressler is a classic tragic hero, with the most common conflict, the most poignant one—a man vs his own self.

For Donald, emotions are overwhelming, foreign, complicated. A handgun with a faulty trigger.

Can't be fit into an equation, can't be dissected, can't be interpreted in a straightforward way. They're both wrong and right.

And they're always too much.

I'm tempted to refer to the Anslo Garrick episode when Red is lulling Ressler with his words, and we see Donald tearing up.

He's not tearing up at the Red's ability to deliver a fancy speech.

For the first time, Don is letting himself feel the things Reddington is describing. He might have not experienced them (and he knows he never will, deep in his heart he knows he won't survive), but the possibility of being at those places, being free, “standing at the helm of your destiny” is what Ressler has always wanted, but didn't let himself.

Why? If I were to guess, I'd say because he couldn't process (or wouldn't) his Dad's death properly, he shoved down all those emotions somewhere and put a lock into that box. Audrey, probably, was the one who almost melted that lock and made him feel things again. He figures—and I'm glad this had been finally addressed, and it took Liz's death for us to drive it home—that whoever comes close to him, for whomever he starts feeling something, ends up dead.

One can only imagine the amount of guilt he's been carrying over the years. For all the lives he's lost. For everything he’s done or hadn’t done.

No one deserves to carry such a heavy burden on his own.

And the cruel irony is, that Donald is actually desperate to uncork his own emotions and reciprocate all the emotions other people are willing to give him.

Just the same, he wants to love. He wants to be loved, to have friends, to be someone's friend.

He wants to let himself feel.

He wants to feel.

And he doesn’t want to feel guilty about it, for once in his life.

#donald ressler #ressler meta&essay #i know no one cares about ressler as a solid character but this ep has hit some of my old headcanons and proved them canon so yeah

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donald-is-my-man · 3 years ago

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I’ve realized a thing about Ressler.

Disclaimer: I’ll interpret the shit out of it the way I please, so don’t swing your canon bat at me.

I'm on the app, so no spoiler thingy. Gotta ruin your dash, ig.

Special Agent Donald Ressler is an imposter.

A sum of choices which were never his own in the first place.

Caged in the cell of what-ifs, doubts, self-loathing, and, most importantly, of unfulfilled dreams and desires.

The cracks in his facade of a justice crusader are beginning to show.

Donald-not-the-Agent is a good man. An honest man. A caring man.

An idealist. A believer. A man of honor and a man of his word.

Donald is led by revenge when he’s applying for the FBI. “Fueled by inner rage.”

His desire to avenge his father isn’t exactly what you'd call “honoring one's memory”.

One can't uphold the law and have their revenge.

Donald is trying to fix something which can be never fixed. Refuses to acknowledge that no amount of saved lives can change it. I'm not even sure he's allowed himself to grief properly.

Reddington—another Tommy Markin Ressler couldn’t have caught in time, a physical manifestation of Ressler’s hate and guilt. Ressler projects his rage onto Reddington, convincing himself that if he catches him, he'll make it right.

The truth is, Reddington isn't the solution. The issue lies much, much deeper.

I stand by my opinion that Don wouldn’t have killed Markin. Markin escaping justice, his dirty deeds covered by the mafia or the mobsters taking him out to cover loose ends make more sense for Ressler’s character. Forever haunted by the missed opportunity, by the guilt of not being able to save his father, by the injustice, and by the fact that he’s too weak to serve the justice himself, adds the depth Ressler lacks on the show. On the show, Ress kills Markin and it straightens him out, and that makes him just another good guy occasionally getting into trouble.

Red once said that revenge is a disease. Well, with Ressler it’s a pathology.

His father. Audrey. Meera.

For some reason, the writers didn't go through with Liz which is shame—she could've been the trigger to unhinge him and embrace the darkness in his heart. And the fact that he brings death to everyone around him could be a powerful cathartic element and a natural conclusion he'd have come to. I once have touched upon the death theme in Red's and Don's lives, and the fact that they both are lethal to their loved ones is another common thing they share but that's another conversation for another day :)

His father’s death has ruined his life, shattered his dreams. It had set him on another path, different from what he wanted.

And what he wanted, exactly?

An outsider, a looser growing up in a rough neighborhood, possibly bullied because of his looks and his dad's occupation. A boy who's trying to be a good son but sometimes fails, a boy who can't understand why dad's job is more important than their family. A boy who's dreaming of escaping all this, do something adventurous.

Just anything else, away from all this. Away from constant hardships. Away from expectations. Away from the place reminding him how weak, how incapable he is. Away from the rot, corruption, dirt.

He’s grown into an ambitious young man, a proud man, a patriot. But he’s never meant to become an agent. Not like that, at least.

A sailor? A navy seal? A soldier? Or maybe a sportsman?

I tend to think Don actually hated his father’s job because he was never around. And he might have sworn to never become like him.

His father’s death is his point of no return. He buries his aspirations and becomes a hunter—because he can’t afford being a prey. Forsakes his old self to build a new persona—endurable, courageous, invincible. Erects the bulletproof wall around him so no one can get through it. Puts on the armor, the “Family, God, Homeland” engraved on his shield.

But it’s not who he is.

He is humanistic—he values an innocent life so much he’s ready to sacrifice himself. He values the sacred integrity of a human's life.

He’ll shoot only as a last resort, in case of imminent danger or a threat to an innocent.

Did you notice how he reacts to his own kills on the job? He’s glad that the criminal is gone but he actually wishes for another outcome—the jury and the judge, and a proper sentence.

He doesn’t consider himself an executioner. His job is to uphold the law, to make sure that justice is served.

Death from a bullet isn’t justice, it’s an easy escape.

ii.

Ressler is a classic tragic hero.

Aristotle defined a tragic hero rather strictly as a man of noble birth with heroic qualities whose fortunes change due to a tragic flaw or mistake (often emerging from the character's own heroic qualities) that ultimately brings about the tragic hero's terrible, excessive downfall

He has many flaws—pride, selfishness, stubbornness.

He's angry, too—at his father. At the world. At himself. Mostly at himself because he thinks he should've been there for his father.

But his most prominent flaw is self-doubt.

I also think that most of the time Donald doubts himself as worthy of existing—that's why he risks his life without hesitation.

He toys with death not because he's suicidal, but because he wants to prove to himself he is worthy of living.

Red, whether consciously or not, has prompted Ressler to doubt himself even further.

Which, ultimately, leads to his downfall.

iii.

An idealist by nature, Donald is constantly torn between the flaws of the world and his own. Every day he sees the imperfections of the world, the true nature of all those people, and yet he still hopes to make it better.

He cares about the fate of the world more than anyone else on the TF. Of course, he'll never admit it, but if you remember all those moments when he's escorting the victims to ambulances or rescues trapped kids, you realize that this man cares.

Started as a way of sublimating his pain and the desire to avenge his father, this job had given him a purpose. That's why he's holding onto it throughout the series. You take it from him, you take his purpose away.

A soldier with no purpose is doomed.

And if damaged enough, he'll seek for that purpose somewhere else.

iv.

Anslo Garrick episode is an episode where his black-and-white world is torn into shreds.

He looks at Red and sees himself in a distorted mirror. I assume it's the same way for Red, hence his fondness for him. And I'm guessing, the fact that Reddington seems to have this human side too, terrifies Ressler a great deal.

Imagine what Ressler goes through when he realizes that Reddington does everything to save him. The man he’s hating with all his core, whom he tried to kill (not once, a couple of times), who reminds him of his father’s demise. This man is determined to save his life and he's not asking anything in return.

It's absolutely incomprehensible for Ressler.

That's when the shift in his personality starts, and the saint and sinner in him begin to compete.

On Mako Tanida, the peak Ressler's personal tragedy episode, Doanld, led by desire of vengeance once again, leaves Jonica alive although he’s the real reason Audrey is gone. Mako has pulled the trigger but Jonica is responsible for Audrey’s death.

But Donald doesn’t kill him. He wants to. God, he wants nothing else but to empty the mag into his face.

I think it's Donald first time realizing he has darkness within him. It almost costs him his job. His emotions cost him his whole life, really. Because his job now is his life.

He repeats the same scenario with Audrey as with his father, only that Audrey's death is more complicated because of pregnancy and the level of connection they shared.

Revenge is his coping mechanism [once again]—he couldn't avenge his father, couldn't catch Red, and now he's after Tanida. Another attempt to fix things, to make it right. He is well aware it won't bring Audrey back, but he does it anyway.

The only person Donald turns for help (out of necessity) is Red. And Red is actually the only person (except Jonica) who realizes Don's plan (ofc, Don doesn't share it directly, but it's obvious for Red since he knows Donald well enough, and he's been in the same situation).

Like no other, Red understands Donald. He understands him because Donald has the same issue he, Red, once had—the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself.

The darkness in Donald’s heart. His determination to do the right thing. And his desire for vengeance.

Red also knows the price one is paying once crossing the line. And he's aware, I'm sure of it, that Donald has never wanted any of this. Don's sense of what's right is pulling one over him, and he's not ready for what's coming after.

Red never regrets what he's done to the person who's hurt someone close to him. He's comfortable with it, and his conscience doesn't bother him.“...deep in his heart, he knows—he must pay.”

For such a person like Ressler, taking someone's life, even if it's justified, has consequences. Not disastrous as taking someone's life in the line of Don's work, but no less dangerous in the long term.

There's no logical explanation to this, but for some reason known only to him, Red doesn't want Ressler to pay that price.

“He has a good soul.”

vi.

When Meera dies, we see Donald act differently in the interrogation room. He doesn't kill the guy but he is actually considering such possibility even though there's no evidence he's the murderer. But Ressler's gut tells him he is. They—the murderer and Don—both know what he did.

Don blames himself for Meera' death. It's the rinse and repeat scenario of him being helpless and incapable when his dad and Audrey die.

So he yields to his emotions and betrays his own principles—treating every suspect as innocent until the evidence proves so.

Sure, most would say this makes him a hypocrite. Maybe he is. We all are, probably. Some more than others.

However, each time Donald goes against the book and lets his emotions steer him while advocating for reason and cold-blooded attitude when on the job, he does so not to exercise his authority but to do what's right because he sees the flaw in the system.

He—again—hopes to bypass that flaw and actually make the system work. He refuses to believe that something designed to do good, to bring justice, does the opposite.

One can't break the system while considering himself a part of it.

He's not ready to cut himself off from it.

Not yet.

vii.

Even being this close to crossing over, Donald still can't accept his dark impulses within—he thinks that by accepting this side of himself, he'll taint his father's sacrifice.

He does accept now—thanks to Red—the nuances of existing in the world. It's no longer black-and-white for him. Dubious and ambiguous.

And yet, after all this time, and, especially, after escaping prison, he is sure, more than ever, about one thing.

He's unworthy of the sacrifice his dad had done—because there were the times those impulses had taken over him.

Mako/Jonica; being somewhat sympathetic to Reddington; Prescott.

With Prescott he's actually finalized his presence on the other side—he can't go back from what he's done.

“I didn’t want Prescott’s real name so that I could kill him. I wanted it so I could arrest him.��

“He goes to prison, so will you.”

“I know, but I’m in the darkness, and doing the right thing is the only way I’ll ever feel the light again.”

He can't forgive himself.

viii.

“Sins should be buried like the dead.”

“Not that they may be forgotten, but that we may remember them and find our way forward nonetheless.”

We, the audience, know Ressler belongs in a jail. Ressler knows it too—that's why he's angry at Red. He was ready to be punished. Because he deserves that. He doesn't think he's above the law.

We also know that Red has been dancing long enough beyond any lines of what's good and what's evil, and he is hardly the one who can give Ressler patronizing speeches. And by saving him, in Donald’s eyes, Red evens him to other scumbags who cover up their crimes.

But that's not what Red has done for Donald.

He's given him an absolution. Forgiveness from his sins.

Red does it unconditionally—again—for the reasons known only to him.

I'm not gonna dive into the problematic content of Red actually knowing the whole Prescott issue and watching Donald do all those things because... It will take me another couple of pages lol. But surely, you can't deny how messed up Red's behavior is in that case. Tough [father's] love, I guess.

He wants Donald to forgive himself. Acknowledge—to himself—that he shouldn't be ashamed of the guilt he's carrying, and of darkness in his heart.

If Donald wants to move forward, he has to acknowledge this:

we are all sinners, one way or the other. We all make mistakes. And those mistakes don't define us if we're willing to make up for them, if we're willing to change, to redeem ourselves.

What happens next, whatever choice he makes, it doesn't define him as tainted, unworthy, irredeemable.

Accepting your own self has never been easy. And the fight between two wolves is never over in Donald's heart.

But there's always a new day. Another chance to do what's right.

There's always hope.

#donald ressler #ressler meta&essay #my posts

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resslington-is-my-otp · 3 years ago

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This essay is sponsored by the essays on gay subtext in Tarantino movies. The beauty of the subtext is being there, adding another layer to the characters’ dynamics.

Red and Ressler’s relationship in s9

“She wanted a life with you.”

These words have stuck with me (some of my mutuals now may have fun imagining my facial expression at that moment), and got me thinking.

The curiosity of "how can I fit this into that and come satisfied on another end" got the best of me.

That scene between Red and Ress. It was everything—even if I'm not agreeing with the "Ressler has been in love with Liz all this time" idea—I had expected it to be. The vocabulary was somewhat less colorful and lacked weight, but the most important things these two have said with their eyes. These two have invented the nonverbal communication.

But, being a picky little shit I am, I'm not sure if it's in Ressler's character to deliver that kind of speech. Honestly, I'd watch him punch Red or point his gun at him (no, not that gun, a real one). This blame-shifting isn't gonna make it easier, and it just feels so... Hypocritical. And I absolutely hate that shit, in any form or shape. It stinks of Ressler trying to whitewash himself. Which is so bleh and ugh. Plus, we've already had a character who'd keep telling how everything was Red's fault (and, to an extent, it was, I don't deny it).

The bitter truth is that Red, Ress, and Liz have fucked up—Liz and her own choices can't also be disregared. I do agree that without Red she would've lived a more or less happy life. But hey, can you bet your money no one from her mom's or dad's past would learn who she really is and come looking for her? Red, just like Liz when digging Kat's, has dug some skeletons out of the closet. He had good intentions, but, as we all know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Yet, my point is, it's everyone's fault. Choices and consequences. And neither of them—Red, Don, Liz—was ready (maybe, Red, since he is the most mature of them all, knows the real price of those choices; that's why he tries to hard to protect Liz from making them but she makes them anyway) when those consequences of their choices had bitten them in the ass.

I have always thought that Red possesses an uncanny resemblance to Dorian Gray. Of course, Dorian had spilled his wish accidentally, but Red—he had sealed the pact with a metaphorical devil in exchange of power knowingly. He might have not realized at that time the cost but he was hungry for power, so "all is good and fair at war".

“She wanted a life with you.” Notice the voice play here, how Red accentuates the “you”, and then hold his gaze on Ressler. He never averts his eyes. Why would he do that if this phrase was meant to cheer Ress up or to honor Liz's memory? And why wouldn't he have said that he's sorry? Or just turn from Ressler and stare into the sky in the window, tearing up?

And boy, do I have quite a theory on that.

Red's facial expression, teary eyes, and the way he utters those words scream to me “regret”.

Regret for how it has turned out (for him and for Donald), for his own choices, miscalculations, mistakes... Ressler first seems confused, and only a moment after it hits him, the meaning behind the words. You can see a glimpse of realization in his eyes, teary as well.

To me, it's not just about Liz or whatever she might have planned or not to have with Ressler. As far as I'm concerned, there could have been another way of delivering this knowledge to Ressler through Red's lips.

This scene isn't about Ressler, it's about Red. It's about him coping with what pain he's caused and what he took—from Ressler. And from Liz too. But mostly, it's all about him, his ego. The old man is such a egotistical bastard, but hey, that's why we love him. Do we though?

Now, I'm not sure if Liz has ever disclosed her intimate desire to build a new life with Ressler (I can put aside my disbelief and question the mere why would she talk about this with the person she has spent what, three seasons and change trying to kill/put in a jail/reveal his secret?), but even if she had...

I have no doubt that the way Red had been acting—choosing Liz to run the empire, keeping her by his side for protection—is a testament of how much he loves her (any shipping or non-shipping goggles are welcome).

And yet—it’s egoistic of him—she's grown enough to be on her own, and he's having her on a leash. Yeah, yeah, the leash is quite loose, but still it's a leash. I'm not saying she doesn't have her own head to make decisions but she isn't completely free either.

But Ressler? He is something else.

Remember how Red jokes about Ress being bent but not quite bent? I think this is what makes all the difference. Yes, the writers made Ressler a fool for fEeLs or whatever, but if we just forget that and look at Ressler not as a simp but like his usual self, it makes sense. Red can't prevent him from digging the things (Liz also couldn't) about Katarina. He can't order him not to—which is ironical given the fact that all his life Ressler has been taking orders.

Red is basically a nobody to him, not a figure of authority. I do think a part of Ress respects him, in a way, and is grateful for what he did for him over the years, but that's it—as much as I love my headcanons, there are times I need to take into account a character's personality. An unedited, untouched by anyone, raw core.

Ressler has always been a hound. A truth seeker. A dog on a scent, if you please. A wild card. Truth matters to him a great deal (he puts it first, even the love of his life will come second)—even if it has disastrous consequences.

His inner conflict has always been there. It lacked resolution, lacked depth, but alright.

He's an idealist who exists in a imperfect world, where the cobwebs of half-truths are glorified. No one is interested in doing the right thing (maybe except the victims of the cases he investigates)—even the system he has been relying so much on, has proved to be rotten to the core. And he's forced to put up with it every single day. In a way, his job has been a way of asserting the right order—the truth will prevail, no matter what. And it does, to a certain degree.

Everything is peachy until Red is in the picture. Forget surrendering—Ressler has been hunting for him most of his career. For Ress, Red is the embodiment of how far the deceit and lies can take you.

Ressler doesn't realize at first that unlike others, Red is perfectly aware of the price he's paying. I'm not sure he realizes it even after “The sins should be buried” either. It's a very delicate matter, and, Ressler, fortunately or not, isn't a delicate man, but a man of blunt force, sharp judgement, and action.

I'm not saying he's an emotionless steel and a complete dumbass. I'm just saying, he's not gonna pick the undertones and nuances with his rational thinkbox. Subconsciously—probably.

However, when he tries to analyze (which is pointless, but hey, it's Ressler for ya, he's gonna try dissecting even the chemistry of attraction), when he lets himself to feel—it messes him up. So he figures better shut it, keep on a lock, and never open.

If we juxtapose Liz and Ressler approaching the truth hunt, we'll see that while Liz is led by personal motives—to find truth for her own self-comfort, Ressler's looking for the truth because “honesty is the best policy.” Except when it's not.

Better bitter truth than sweet lies.

And Red, being a bastard and a pathological liar he is, also can be brutally honest.

Did you ever notice that while Red can deceive Ressler-an-Agent, he never actually lies to Ressler-a-human-being? Especially when it comes to personal things? Involving loss or grief? Or any kind of emotional hurricane? Ressler has never believed Red, and he's right not to, but Red has always been honest with him.

Just like he's brutally honest with him now, “She wanted a life with you.”

It's a devastating, crushing statement, and it's not meant to console Ressler. It's meant to hurt. Red wants Ressler to hurt again because he himself is still in pain too (even if he wears a mask of “I've found my inner peace”).

Honesty is the best policy, huh?

Red has never stopped hurting (I don't believe in what the show is trying to sell us)—and he 100% blames himself not only for failing Liz and not being honest with her (he genuinely believed he was protecting her—again, a self-confidence and a selfish move), but also failing to stop Ressler from assisting Liz. He overlooked the coup d'etat plotting right under his nose.

...Or he refused to believe in it?

And,—subconsciously or not—he wants to rub the salt into Ressler's wound, opening it up again to bleed.

Is it cruel?

Yes.

Is it messed up?

Hell yeah it is.

But it's perfectly justifiable on Red’s end. An eye for an eye. Just as Red has failed Liz, Ressler has failed her too—where was his head when he needed to bring her in? Certainly not on his shoulders.

So Red is doing what any hurt human being would do—he projects his own suffering onto Ressler. He isn't blaming him directly, voicing it. Doesn't need to—Liz’s demise is hanging over them like a guillotine blade.

Don't tell me you've perceived Reddington as a crusader for the greater good and the savior of the day.

“I’m a violent man.” Violence isn't just physical, it can be emotional. Red’s business is based on dealing with all kinds of people. He knows exactly where to hit to cause the damage, to play on people's shame and guilt.

Their interaction with Ressler is the exchange on the most visceral level between the two men who are strikingly different by their nature and yet ridiculously similar in everything else.

And yet, once again—

why would Red be so cruel to Ressler? Knowing—like no other—what this man has been through?

Red never had been so cruel to him after Audrey died. In fact, he had been more than understanding and caring to Ressler at the time than he is now.

So why such a change?

An infamous 8x4 comes to mind.

“Boy, she played you.”

Forget for a moment Red is taunting Donald. Look beyond the words, beyond the meaning.

Red is hiding his hurt pride behind the irony.

He’s hurt by Ressler aligning against him with somebody else.

Red, has never actually played against him—against Ressler-a-human-being. Screw the FBI, but Red has never did something which would have consequences for Ressler personally.

The way Red taunts Ressler about the “matters of the heart”—Raymond is borderline hysterical, laughing in Ressler’s face. When watching it first time, I found that odd because Red may be mean to Ress but he’s never cruel. And that felt so personal—the way Red phrases it, and his tone, his voice, laughing…

And then—Eureka!—it’s a classic case of defensive mechanism.

Red’s right—Liz has used Ress. It looks like Red’s talking more to himself, “Boy, she played you.” She used him first, played him like a fiddle, hit all the weak spots. And she also has played Red too.

Red is amused—not by Liz, not by unsuspecting Don, but at the hilariousness of the situation. And at himself—for not being able to predict it. Or ignoring it? I assume, his respect for Donald has died a little at that time. And yet, I'm guessing he perfectly understood why Don has fallen into the trap.

If you listen long enough to “with you” phrase like I did, you'll notice subtle jealousy in it. Just a bit—encapsulated within “you”. Spader is a master at subtleties.

Just a sting of jealousy.

Red is jealous because Liz wanted not to be in his world (yet because of the circumstances and her own choices as well, she was sucked her right back in to) but to exist separately from him (think about parents-child separation, think about a possessive lover-lover separation). And maybe it wouldn't have hurt so much if she *allegedly* chose someone else.

A short trip to s5 arc with Henry Prescott.

Can we establish that Ressler has chosen someone else behind Red’s back? And yes, I did say “chose”. Ressler could've surrendered but he cowardly kept doing and hating on himself. What they had going on with Henry is another story for another day.

And Red, although being aware of it for some time (problematic content alert), has decided to watch how far it can go? It never say right with me because...he watched him doing all kinds of things, things Ressler’s nature wasn’t meant to do, and Ressler had probably was in constant physical pain and spent puking his guts out in the bathroom. It's mental—to watch someone suffer, have the means to stop it but not using them just because you have the luxury of waiting for how it all plays out. And when Red felt that enough is enough, he chooses the most horrible way to show Ressler what happens to people who hurt him personally. I'd say, it was a lesson for Ress too.

The way of killing Henry was so damn personal—Red was jealous and hurt by Don not turning to him for help when he had explicitly offered it. Cue legendary “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse.” Only this time, Ressler had actually refused and royally fucked up his life.

Now, back to our plane and Red and his own matters of the heart.

My working theory is, this wouldn't hurt so much if this was another man.

But it's Donald.

Donald whom Reddington has repeatedly called his friend. Donald whom Red has helped more than once. Donald, who assists Liz in her search and, whether he wants it or not, is indirectly putting the bullet into that gun that would take her life.

A friend’s betrayal may be even more poisonous than husband/wife infidelity. It hurts more because after Dembe, Donald is the second person Red has ever considered a close friend. He genuinely admires the man.

But Ressler has betrayed him. “Value loyalty above all else.” Ressler is only loyal to his own moral compass—just like Red is, but Red has forgotten that.

“You must be slipping.”

“I must be.”

Let this sink in—Ressler is the only living soul to stay alive after betraying Red. And not once, mind you. Red would've already shot somebody be it another.

I'm loving Ressler’s confused look after Red falls silent—because Donald has no idea how lucky he is to even breathe.

The way Red's gaze lingers over Donald’s face now makes so much sense.

...What if all this time Red has been developing certain feels he wasn’t supposed to have for Ressler?

Think about it—why a guy like him should care about some mediocre agent? Why help to avenge someone Don loved? Deliver him head in a box? Protect his career? Protect him? And not really ask him of something in return?

Rather, ask him to be his friend? Considering him his friend??

Notice that Red never asks Ressler to bend the rules for him, Red (he has means to twist them any way he wants, he doesn't need Ressler, so, in a way, Ress gets to keep his integrity intact, and Red knows how much Ress values it)—instead, he always asks him to do everything what he thinks it right and do it as legally as possible, so he'd not compromise himself. The only thing he ever asks of him is the benefit of the doubt.

Ressler also thinks that by saving his life at that hospital they’re even but Red has never told him Don’s in his debt. He saved Ressler back in Anslo just because he could. He had no reason to. But he did anyway.

Donald is perfectly aware that Red “gives to get” only. But somehow that pattern breaks with him. What reasons does Red have—except one and obvious—to constantly pull Ressler out of trouble?

Red wore Don’s mentor’s coat, a father’s, a friend’s one. But he never got anything from Ressler beyond blunt honesty, occasional half-stifled gratitude, and old-fashioned sincerity.

Think about it.

Red messing with Liz’s head, the quest, the hunt for truth… Yes, he was shielding her from consequences (and failed). And we've established his possessiveness over her. The kind one when you try to keep something you have (not necessarily want to) to fill the void—because you can’t have something you actually want.

He never meant her to die but he certainly was testing her limits. We can’t run from the fact that as much as he cherished and loved her, she was an instrument to him. And not only her—everyone around him has a weakness to exploit.

He learns the hard way that Liz didn’t have what it took to become what he wanted her to be.

And if we twist the whole thing, and put it into a wringer, we’ll see that Liz is a surrogate for Red.

He loves her, indeed, he owns her, tests her, hopes she could take his place, but, in fact, it’s not her he actually has on her mind. He may not realize it or give it much thought. But I'm sure he keeps going back to it, and something else keeps crawling back into his weary mind.

Saudade.

Something that could’ve happened but didn’t. Couldn’t happen because it was never meant to.

Someone Raymond could've had. Someone who could've been his friend. Or more than a friend.

But was never meant to.

Sorry for ruining your dash, the app doesn't have spoiler button. If you got here, congratz :D

#donald ressler #raymond reddington #resslington #resslington metas&essays #my posts

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falle-ness · 3 years ago

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This piece was born thanks to @randomprivateer <3