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isolatedsmiless · 4 months ago

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I am returning to this website after 10 long years today. A new friend I made last night passionately insisted I should make a new account. She watched intensely over my shoulder as I typed in my usual email, and without realizing I found myself resetting my password instead of making a new account.

What I didn’t expect to find was our old blog. Every exchange left perfectly intact. I wasted no time. I couldn’t help myself from diving headfirst into this pristine time capsule. A giddiness buzzed through me as I began to read through all of it again. I couldn’t believe it was all still there. I found myself smiling, even laughing at some of our earlier replies. The more I read the more my expression grew more serious. My index finger rested across my lips, my thumb holding my chin in a habitual gesture of concentration. My brows furrowed deeper and deeper as I discovered my own stupidity. It's clear to me now. An entire decade later, you had feelings for me.

Trust me, I understand how absolutely ridiculous it is that it took me so long to catch on. I denied the truth right in front of me. I saw it and scoffed at myself, reasoning that it was just my imagination. As beautiful and vulnerable as your words were, I believed it was fiction, completely separate from our reality. The effort in my replies dwindled, my confusion and discomfort obvious as I avoided how I truly felt. My self-image was poisoned in hatred, and I truly didn’t understand anything that contradicted the belief that I was worthless and underserving of love. Reading some of my replies, I wish I could reach back and shake myself awake.

“How could you reply so callously?!”

The horrifying realization has finally dawned on me how awful it must have felt to see me act like nothing had changed despite your confession. I’m heartbroken to realize I hurt you so deeply. There your feelings were, plain as day, and I refused to acknowledge them. It feels so much worse knowing how clueless I was to the pain you must have been in. For the last decade I have been confused about why things ended the way they did. I did my best to heal from the belief that you never cared about me.

If only you knew how much I wanted you to like me. I tried so hard to be masculine around you. How you felt about me mattered more than anything. I remember one day we were standing in your kitchen right before we watched Wolf Boy, and you had this look on your face I couldn’t quite place. You said I was really cool. Your tone was soft and genuine, like you admired me. My joy overflowed and burned so hot inside me I thought I would burst. I grinned and rubbed the back of my neck. “What? Me, cool? No way…” I casually brushed it off, but internally I felt like I had won a huge victory. In the end my effort paid off, but when I got what I wanted, I brought up every reason I could think of to explain that it wasn’t what I thought it was.

Even if this never reaches you, I wish for you to know how I felt. I loved you. I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone. I wish I was a better writer, that way you can understand how losing you absolutely destroyed me. I couldn’t think about you, hear your name, or see your picture, without sobbing my eyes out for 6 years. It took several more years to heal from it enough so that my voice didn’t break, and my body didn’t tremble when telling our story. I asked myself so many times when and where it went wrong. What I could have done differently. Maybe if I had gone back to the blog sooner, I could have seen it. Maybe if I had shown any of my therapists, they could have told me how dense I was being.

There was nothing you could have done to heal my wounds back then. I was lost in my own darkness, and no one could pull me out as much as I begged to God for someone to save me. I was the only one with that power, and I was too focused on the black abyss in front of me. Too fixated on all the evidence that suggested I was a burden, unworthy of empathy or care. I was blind to the opportunities of happiness around me, and the loss of our relationship was the final push that dragged me into that blackness. I still believe it was the darkest time in my life. My father died a year later, and I thought of you and wondered how you would feel if you heard about it.

I never understood how or why you were so cruel to me in the end, but I understand now. I imagine you wanted me to feel the way I had made you felt. Unimportant, tossed aside, like how you felt didn’t matter. I thought showing you how much I cared about you through my actions was enough, but you needed the reassurance of me telling you exactly how I felt. I’m so sorry I didn't see it back then. I didn't understand that our fictional world was a real reflection of how you felt. For someone so smart, I was really fucking stupid.

I would scream out a thousand times how much I cared for you for the smallest chance that you might hear me. I’m so sorry. I wish I could do it all over again.

#I was always there for you #and I always would have been there for you

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a-student-out-of-time · 4 years ago

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Connections Review Part 3

Storm Maverick- Category 5

And we return! This will be the final part of the Connections Arc. I had initial plans for this to be 2 parts but sadly Maverick got too big and therefore he required his own part. This is by far the most divisive part of the Arc as everyone seems to be content with the time travel and harems, but as soon as Maverick ‘Motherfucker Hellspawn’ Storm got relevant it all went downhill for some. So, what do I think?

So, this is part is less ‘What is Maverick doing’ and more of what I think of Maverick. As you guys know, I am aware that Maverick is a lot older than people seem to recognize as he has his origins in Askthedespairkids. And in the context of that blog, Maverick is actually a pretty good character. You have to remember that the blog was saturated with OCs and a lot of them suffered from severe sueness or edgy syndrome. I will not make names and I will not say who made the worst OCs because that’s the easiest way to start an internet war, but the two big reasons I got bored of Askthedespairkids and quit reading is due to how poorly written a lot of these OCs were and they hogged a lot of the spotlight, and the canon characters ended up being regulated to the side-lines, which didn’t tickle my fancy at all. True, Maverick was very over the top and what he ultimately ended up doing to his former classmates in Class 75 is incredibly graphic and probably worse than some of the executions and murders canonically, but I would rather blame the general OPness of that blog. Now this is on the Mod’s terms Maverick can hopefully be hit with the nerf hammer a bit more so he isn’t as ridiculous as he was in Askthedespairkids. Furthermore, you can’t call Maverick a Villain Sue and not apply that to Junko Enoshima, because yeah, she is a Villain Sue, that’s why I don’t like her.

But things are different now. Maverick is standing on his own, against only a couple of other OCs and canon characters. Furthermore, the Mod’s writing skills have improved since the Askthedespairkids days so there’s a bit more pressure on Maverick. I think there are two issues I find with Maverick. The first is that I didn’t like him making a move during this arc. The arc was fine just focusing on time travel and the various harems and relationships of the characters, adding Storm just bloated the arc and made it much longer then needed, I feel like Maverick could have been revealed next arc and the next next arc would be the next arc we are currently getting into. This gives me serious Oncoming Storm vibes where an Arc is ridiculously long and a build up to a (hopefully) big payload. Now let me make this straight, this Arc is a million times better then Oncoming Storm, I don’t think any future Arc would be as bad as Oncoming Storm, as that was long and boring whereas the previous stuff was interesting, its just that adding Storm made the Arc very bloated and artificially extended the length of the arc making it tedious. Perhaps a forewarning to the Mod when they decide to include someone like Mikado and Junko into the story. The second issue with Maverick is…he’s basically a poor man’s Junko. At the moment I’m really struggling to find any meaningful differences between Maverick and Junko. With Juu being around we already have our big bad villain for the second Session and if I’m right, Session 3’s main villain is going to be Mikado and Session 4’s villain is Junko. I know Maverick is important to the backstories of Umeko and Kyoji, especially Kyoji, but aside from tying up those loose ends, what is the point of Maverick? Does he exist to give the Quantum Crew a practise run against Junko? And yes, his threat level is higher as he’s kidnapping an obscene amount of people and is able to block us Anons, but Maverick shouldn’t know we exist. I really, REALLLLY hope there’s a logical explanation for that because if Maverick is somehow able to sense the Anons and see how much of a threat we are, then the accusations of Maverick being a Villain Sue do hold water.

Overall, I will be more critical of Maverick now then I was back then because he enjoyed being next to poorly written characters but that safety net no longer exists and there’s too many glaring similarities between him and Junko. Now for his actions yeahhh…. I did warn you guys that Maverick is that special kind of evil but I don’t think it was until Nikei revealed about all his foster families committing suicide that it really hammered home. It’s basically vindication of what I said before. The stakes are a lot higher now because previously yes there was all the girls being kidnapped but it was just Tokyo and one demographic, but here lots of people all across Japan are vanishing and being brainwashed by Storm, so the pressure is on for the Quantum Crew to stop him. And some familiar names as well as Damian, Aiko’s pen pal and Hiroyuki, Kiroko’s younger brother have gone missing alongside Kanon. Kanon vanishing means I think Leon is going to be important next arc because we did promise Leon that Hajime & friends would help her and he’ll be willing to throw his lot in to save his cousin. And the pressure is even more on because Yuki’s been taken as well, having traded Mikado for Storm. This is going be big, especially for Sora as she’s been struggling with how much she cares for Yuki and this will be a real test to see where her allegiances lie. Especially as its unknown what happens if either Yoruko or Sora dies, because if Hajime dies, time rewinds and he uses a life but what if Yoruko and Sora get offed? They don’t have lifelines so what happens if Hajime resets, does Yoruko revert to her old self or does Sora get erased from existence as she isn’t supposed to be ‘born’ yet?

Kyoji also got some development as we see him bonding with Monaca and the newly reformed Kanade, and it’s a very ironic twist that the two characters who are often nicknamed as ‘Satan’ in the fandom are now more or less siblings. As good as a caretaker he is for them though, his recklessness and self-loathing issues are still there as it prevents him from seeing Miaya despite a meeting between them being sorely needed and thinking she won’t want to see him again even if that may not be the case, and wanting to deal with Storm ASAP despite legit concerns that it could be a trap. Thankfully Chisa and Chiaki were able to talk some sense into him and rein in some of his more destructive behaviour. Given how manipulative Storm is and we have not one but two characters who are willing to go off the handle, possibly three if Nikei jumps the gun again, its going to be a very intense arc coming up as not only do the Quantum Crew have to fight against Storm and his backers, but also keep some of the more hot-headed members of the team from being reckless. The new members of the Quantum Crew are pulling their weight though as Kazuichi offered insight into the tech that Storm could use, Chisa obviously helping to keep sanity in check and Ibuki had one of her lucid ideas and managed to suggest how Storm delivered all the VPN password codes to his victims in a way that isn’t unnoticeable which is just mailing them a vacation brochure. I’ll admit, this was really clever by the Mod as that went over my head when it was delivered, but I should know about Chekhov’s Gun, which is don’t include something if its not going to be relevant later. Lesson learnt and I need to be more alert to detail now.

And that concludes the Connections Arc as the QR Code was scanned and they saw the welcome message from Maverick and Kyoji cursing Storm’s name. And my ranking shall be a C-. It would be a solid C but the inclusion of Maverick bloating the arc out and the fact that now he’s not being propped up by terrible OCs means the writing flaws of the character are starting to become more apparent and his similarities with Junko makes me question if he is a necessary character in the story or not. I will withhold too much judgement until the next Arc concludes but I did enjoy the Arc until the Storm part so its not enough to drop into D territory so C- it is. Either way, I’ll be watching the next arc with great interest and hopefully my new method of cutting down on needless wavering is making this easier to read. See you once the Storm calms down! -Review Anon

//Once again, thank you for the reviews. And admittedly, yes, I do wish I’d held off on introducing Storm’s plans until the ongoing plot threads were resolved and everyone came home. I can see all this being the beginning of the current arc and it probably would’ve worked better. That’s definitely the biggest flaw I can see with the last arc, though it’s important for setting stuff up and my desire is not for preparations to drag out, but for us to get to what’s important.

//After the Oncoming Storm, I’m wary of writing any more long preparation arcs, especially when I’m stuck in a long depressive episode ^^;

//I’ve never claimed to be a perfect writer or even a good one, but I’ve tried to improve on my writing since my early days. I had very little idea of what I was doing back then and it really does show. I only ask that you all go into the next arc with an open mind and not let past experiences of bad writing color your opinions, which I’m sure you won’t.

//I won’t spoil anything, but this upcoming arc has what’s probably my hardest decision as a writer to date and I’ve decided to committed to it, even if it hurts to think about.

//I do hope you look forward to what comes next ^^

#mod talks #a student out of time #submission

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31st · 6 years ago

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one time like 2 years ago i got a message from an old mutual that was like “someone has been talking about you on your blog!!! click this link to see” and i clicked it because i had insecurities and then i got forcefully logged out and had to reset my password. and when i logged back in i was like “ugh finally i can see what that person was saying about me” and i went to click on the link again. anyway i had to reset my password 3 times before i realized

#memories since i just got another one of these wxcept if was really weird and intricate

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twentysos · 5 years ago

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Bringing Past to Present

Once upon a time, I sat at my computer during my prime twenties with my life literally an open book to read. I shared my confidence, my thoughts, my flaws, and my troubles. I did all this with very little worry about what trouble it might cause or what thoughts might be had about my words. I just wanted to share the rollercoaster of life and that, as alone as it might feel, there are people out in the world who also want to hear about your problems, and most importantly, your solutions.

So I sat at my computer, with my life on stage, as I blogged about anything and everything. Now that I look back, maybe it wasn’t about helping other people as much as just helping myself. Speaking my words (or writing them) just makes me feel good. Thousands of words and daunting thoughts slowly leaving my body and all of a sudden I feel light. Almost functional again.

Then one day I stopped and I’ve been feeling heavy ever since.

I stopped writing because I openly talked about an old employer who I felt may or may not have had a hostile environment. I will also state that almost a decade later, I still believe this to be true. I also cab painfully admit, I was probably a child regarding the situation and did some pretty stupid things. No matter what the wrong and right situation was, I was stifled. I took down the post, deactivated my blog and never looked back. Well, that’s not all true. I constantly look back.

When the words bubbled up and I began pacing with anxiety about a situation, I looked back to openly sharing my thoughts. I just wanted to let out the frustrations like screaming out loud at the top of a mountain and just how good that could feel. I’ve tried to just write it out privately in books and on the cloud but it just doesn’t work.

So I would do a quick search to look for my blog to remind me what it was like to feel stuck and then all of a sudden unstuck with just a little bit of time passing. There would always be a quick moment of relief and then I would close the tab also reminding myself of the harm it had caused.

Until tonight...

Tonight I went through every email account I could have had from the past 10 years just to see which one would yield an account through Tumblr. Then resetting the password to access that email so I could also reset my Tumble password. Until I finally got here. Writing to you.

Tonight, I was pacing with that anxiety and the bubbles were drowning me. I was so sure that nothing would help me breathe again but just writing this I am back to sitting in my troubles just chest-deep.

I am also currently staring at a blog named TwentySOS and only half of it is true seems to be true. Life is still one big SOS but it’s not a twenty-something thing. It’s an everybody thing.

I am 233 days to the big three-oh. At this very moment, I am also realizing that it will be my “Golden” birthday. 30 on the 30th which might change my mind about what I am about to say.

I’m going to be 30 and even after a decade of searching, I still can’t seem to figure out my place or purpose in this world. But now, I am less motivated and not even sure if there is a prize to have my eyes on. I am a closed book. Nobody knows that I feel lost, I keep most people at arm's length, and really do seem to have an invisible bubble that really isn’t invisible because everyone can clearly read the sign on it that says “Stay over there”. Most things feel impossible, too scary, too risky, too something and it’s honestly like I look in the mirror and I am not even sure who is staring back at me anymore. The actual life that I have used to live has been sucked out of me.

At least I still believe in change and that we are all creators of it. So I’m going to create change, open the book, and let the world know that I am doing my best to leave my mark on it. Because it very well might be that I leave this world without ever finding a place to be, but I refuse to go quietly.

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diana-panda · 4 years ago

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wow I can’t even remember the last time I logged onto Tumblr. This place used to be my life, I even had to reset my password to log back on here. i’m amazed that I still have followers. looking at things I used to blog about is so bittersweet, I legitimately feel the things I felt back in the days. shit was really changed since then. been broken over and over and having to grow bigger and bigger. I decided every few years I'll make a post, a lil update of my life so I can continue to self reflect on the shit I wanna change. considering I know absolutely none of my followers, this is the perf place for me to just unload a bunch sack load of shit. covid was crazy this year, survived that shit and realize all those years smoking have really fucked my lungs up. today I got another call from Dahni, who I still consider as my best friend forever. one day when we both got our shit together and both thinking straight again, I know we’ll be able to be friends like we used to. I never pick up to phone numbers I don’t know but every fuckin time I randomly choose to pick up to a rando number - it’s Dahni. this is the 5th time she has called me from a mental hospital. it’s crazy, never thought my life would have be me working in a mental hospital and her coming in and out of one. after all these years, you’ve probs haven’t seen her in 3 years - but she has never ever forgot your phone number, even when she has completely lost her mind. she literally doesn't make sense when she talks. at the beginning, you sometimes understood the shit she said and understood what she meant and felt because you were that fuckin close to losing your whole damn mind before you decided to get sober. still so proud of you choosing to be sober, even after probation, even after drug tests. Dahni still remembers your literal exact address. she said she’s been sending you letters for the past 2-3 years but you haven’t seen shit, especially because you moved to Milwaukee this year. you texted daddy but he said he ain’t seen shit, probs lying, he would hide this shit from you. he always hated her but he doesn’t understand that it was actually you who got her into drugs in the first place. I pray all the time Dahni has completely lost herself or she’ll be able to return to herself again, I miss having my best friend around. after the call, you looked at oldddd ass pics like 2015 shit, yall were the craziest - up and just went to alberqueque, breaking into hotels and creating body slides out of tables and chairs in the ballroom, tripping at the trail of lights and deciding to just walk towards the Austin skyline, there were so many pics I don’t even know where we’re at. I miss that life with you dude, not giving two shits about anything and doing whatever we could to just live life. you were the one person I connect with in such a weird way. anyway 2020 was the year I had to finally grow up, and I can’t be more proud. the reason I got sober was because I was drugged then gang raped in 2016, but I have finally accepted that it happened and I am finally moving past it. your ptsd and anxiety was debilitating. months of therapy with no progress, Janet your psychologist thought the best option was drugs to calm you down but you refused, mommy had to move down to San Antonio with you, you got daddy to install security cameras around the house, you went to 3 different police stations and 2 different apple stores because you thought you were being tracked, a panic attack literally every fuckin day, you got your first gun - but damn shit has changed. I think when you got rogue, that was the start of your life changing around. you used to walk her literally only on your street but now you can walk her for hours anywhere. you got control of your own life again. texas sunshines helped you tremendously, you met a few life long friends - even though you made some besties but ended up losing them - either way, they helped you return back to your old self, the free spirit and careless golden wild beautiful soul you had. exposure therapy - that shit works. going to 6th every weekend, even a couple times a weekend helped you a lot. you had only a couple freak outs where you let your anxiety take over you but there was progress. you have grown so much the past 4 years, it’s honestly mind blowing because you used to be at rock bottom. you legit lost your mind at one point, legit rock bottom, even hearing voices and seeing shit, Janet said drug induced psychosis - but your resiliency and strong heart and soul helped you, with the help of god of course. you were in such a dark place but getting through that helped you be where you are now. but none of this could've happened without the help of your parents - they taught you the definition of unconditional love. maybe that’s why Dahni is still battling this love and hate relationship with drugs - she doesn’t have this support system like you. your parents never gave up on you dude, like how am I ever gonna repay them, because if it wasn’t for them - I'd literally be dead long ago. you still have only told a few of your close friends. Dahni and Mikayla a year after it happened. kiara, erin, and Gracie 3 years after it happened. maybe that’s all that ever has to know. this shit don’t define your life anymore girl. it sucked but you have let that shit take enough of your life. no more living in the past. you live and you learn. stop thinking of ways how you’ll somehow find these fuckers and make them pay, they’ll get what’s coming to them. I used to pray everyday these fuckers got killed and died a horrible and painful death but you’re letting them win every time you waste a second thinking about them. just be thankful you got out of that shit alive. you have this deep rooted reputation of a party girl. but never forget, daddy defended you when yall had guests over once - “yes she parties a lot, but she also studies hard too.” you’re legit a UT grad, you got into grad school - which you are killing. you’ve never been a straight A student but now you are in grad school whaaat. but you know if you studied this much and this hard during UT - you would’ve had a higher gpa, but no regrets. ever!! my time at UT was truly a blessing - it was the best time and worst time ever. that was boot camp training you to be resilient. you used to think you were being punished for having to move to Milwaukee for grad school but that was the biggest blessing in disguise. Jim howard was right, even if I did get accepted into UT’s msn program - I shouldn’t go or stay anywhere near Austin, I have too many distractions here, I would’ve failed out immediately - I need to start thinking like a healthcare provider, people’s literal lives will be in your hands. you can’t kill no one dude, losing your license will actually be the end of yo life and all this school and bullshit would’ve been for nothing. Milwaukee was rough at the beginning but you’ve grown to fall in love and appreciate its true beauty. you needed a break from Austin, it’ll always be your endgame and it aint going anywhere. you got to start over, start fresh, grow up, it was exactly what you needed. Milwaukee was the place where you defeated your ptsd, your annoying anxiety - I mean yeah sometimes you do psych yourself out but you have made the craziest progress, even Janet is so surprised and proud of you! you fuckin live alone and do a damn good job of it. but it wouldn’t have happened without Lola. rogue saved you 4 years ago and now Lola has saved you. they are both fuckin wild and misbehaving, but I am sooooo thankful I have them in my life. god put the most perfect dogs into my life, they helped you be where you’re at today. you even made a fuckin solo trip with just you and Lola from Milwaukee to Austin, stayed in Memphis with just yall 2 and literally no panic attacks. never thought that would have ever been possible. lol having your gun around definitely helps. this year you realized that you used to be fat, how come no one told you omg. but that doesn’t matter because you have finally reached the weight you had on your vision board that you made in high school - 105. you got home from grad school and literally every single fuckin person in your life has said you lost so much weight - girl you didn’t even know it, you don’t got a scale in Milwaukee. but looking at past pics, holy shit girl you lost weight. you still got some to go but good job dude - don’t ever let yourself get that bad again. your new goal is to be 100, then you can stop stressing. lol you’ve been trying to lose weight literally since high school, and all it took was grad school and being depressed AFFFFFFFFF to lose 20 fuckin pounds! with the help of addy too. yeah you were depressed, started in the 2nd semester of grad school and was at its worse at in the 3rd semester. but you yourself, and Lola of course, pulled yourself out of that. you walked to the beach, appreciate the scenery, focus on the sound waves - learn to love life again. you’ve changed so much dude, I feel like you’ve finally lost all of your old self now. quarantining for covid made you finally truly clean your room and rearrange it. took the biggest cleanse of your life, and damn it was a struggle because you the biggest hoarder out here. you found your old pieces, crazy how you still got them, you found old pills, even weed - proud of you for throwing everything away finally, and real quick. because you did think about smoking some and pop a pill or two - what’s the worst thing that can happen right. bitch you know what can happen, normal people can do that but you have forever fucked your mind up, like physically and biologically fucked up your brain. the way drugs works on your brain and Dahni’s brain only has a dark side to it - drug induced psychosis - every time, no matter what or when or how long it’s been, you have forever fucked that up. yall dropped the ball on that shit, yall did it too much, esp the mind altering shit and will never be able to enjoy drugs again - but that’s okay. you don’t need that shit. okay for guys, fuckin listen to me here girl. we ain’t going into zayne or Terren - yo first 2 boyfriends was just dipping yo feet in the waters for dating. you already know what you learned from them. you know what you want and don’t you ever fuckin settle.”life is a mess when you settle for less.” I loved Arin, and I'll always love him. your dumbass almost married him but why, knowing he does not meet half yo standards. from Arin, you learned you want someone that treats you like a princess like he did, he always showed you off, he put you on a pedestal, you were legit his everything - you want someone that does that, where you are their everything. but you don’t want someone who gets angry like that, who lets problems get bigger and bigger til they explode - shit needs to be fixed immediately, if your their everything - shouldn’t they do everything in their power to make sure it stays like that. from josh, you learned you want someone who you can be your goofy self and have fun and literally laugh all the damn time with you - it was such a fun time with josh, yall really did have this amazing connection. he truly loved you and honestly truly loved you. I loved josh, and I'll always love him too. he was the first relationship you had after getting raped, and he showed you how to trust men again. these 2 dudes lacked goals and had different visions for the future from you. you’re such a goal oriented and family oriented person - they were not. you worked hard to get to where you are today, and continue to drop the guys and the people who will get in the way of your goals. friends too - if they ain’t with you, drop em. in the end, it’s your family who will always be there for you. lol you truly treat guys like shit dude and everyone knows it, you don’t even feel bad about it, maybe it’s from being raped, maybe it’s from that ginormous wall you’ve built, or maybe you’re just that afraid of getting hurt, but that’s okay, you can keep doing that, it’ll get rid of the weak ones - what you can’t do is treat the good ones like shit, like tai. you never expected to find a dude so different, but maybe that’s what you need. he’s the exact opposite of the typical guys you usually go for - a fuckin gamer, not 6 feet, lol even asian. you didn’t date tai but yall definitely had something for 6 months. he has never done drugs and doesn’t want to even try drugs - I didn’t know that was maybe something I needed in a guy. from tai, you learned that you do want someone who went to college, grad school is even better, super caring about you. at one point you did think he was going to be the one - he speaks Vietnamese, he’s in pharmacy school, he can game with your brother. he may seem perfect but you learned a lot of shit you don’t want in someone. you’re not on social media a lot anymore, other than snapchat. you even had insta deleted for months - then when school ended for winter break, it took you awhile to download insta again, but when you did, you made one post and never got on it again. tai is super in the social media world, and you don’t want that. you’re starting to be someone who really lives in the moment, the shit happening right in front of you matters to you more, you don’t want someone super into the social media world. he doesn’t treat you like you’re a priority to him, he actually makes it clear that he actually doesn’t give two shits about you - so why you allowing yourself putting any efforts into that. the second he’s upset, he’ll drag that shit out and won’t try to fix shit at all - you need someone who will fix shit right then and there so yall don’t go to sleep at night angry, you need someone who will fight and continue fighting for you no matter what. he doesn’t apologize for shit and when he does, there is always an excuse - you need someone who owns up to shit and apologizes sincerely. you deserve someone who truly cares about you and is committed to you, they need to do anything in their power to keep you and show you love you and not give up on you. you did not get gang raped to settle down for someone who doesn’t make you feel loved. you did not graduate from UT and get into grad school for someone who causes you mental stress and make you unhappy. you did not grow into this strong, independent, brilliant ass woman to date someone who makes you question your worth. you deserve someone who continuously challenges you to be your best self and make you feel beautiful. cami said you deserve someone who spoils you, and she is damn fuckin right. you have come so far, getting sober, getting into grad school, someone needs to feel lucky as fuck they have you. but what’s the common denominator between all these dudes - quit pushing guys away, quit purposely ruining shit because you’re scared of shit, quit getting pissed because they don’t react the way you wanted, quit overthinking shit because you’re usually fuckin wrong. just don’t settle for less but allow yourself to get close. your trust issues ain't going anywhere, but learn to put your guard down a tad bit, let yourself get hurt - it’ll only make you into a stronger bitch than you already are. nothing will ever hurt you nearly as much when you got raped. if you got through that, you can literally get through anything. a lot has happened in the last 4 years, but you know what you need to focus on. continue working on your best self. keep thriving and surviving. maybe we’ll self reflect and reorient again when grad school is over in a couple years and you’re back in Austin. just be happy <3 do your best and fuck the rest

#reorienting self part 1 #2020

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jacksonhenry297 · 4 years ago

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Wanna Delete Your Snapchat Account? Here’s How to Do It

Snapchat is like any other social networking app with camera filters that have been used by a lot of people. Since its launch, it has been a lot popular among all its users. It is an app on which messages, photos and videos disappear within a few seconds after you receive them from the sender. Undoubtedly, Snapchat is a fun and fast and super-popular app among most of its users, but in some cases, it might not be okay for some people all the time. It can be a fun way of taking funny pictures of yourself and sharing it with your friends. But, if you are bored with the Snapchat app and want to take a break from it, then it is super easy. Here, in the following article, we are going to discuss the methods through which you can delete your Snapchat account permanently from any of your devices. Go through the full article to get the full idea.

Why Do You Want to Delete Your Snapchat Account?

Snapchat is an amazing application with its numerous fantastic filters that enables its users to capture images in a more fun way and share it with their friends on various networking platforms. It is an app that is loved by most people. But, some people might want to uninstall this app from their devices. Reasons can be various. Like you are bored with the app, or you spend most of your time on this app that it causes strain on your eyes. And that’s completely okay to take some time off from your screen and give your eyes some rest. Whatever the reason is, if you are wondering about deleting your Snapchat account, and don’t know the way to do so. Then, we are here for your help.

You can delete the Snapchat app as well from any of your smart devices. To do so, simply tap and long press on the app on your home screen and slide your finger to the option of “Uninstall” or “X” for Android and iOS devices. Now, you will not see the app on your device. Well, uninstalling the app is easy as compared to deleting your account permanently from Snapchat. But, still, if you want to delete your entire account permanently, then we have got the methods to do so. Now, after discussing this much about this app, it’s time to get straight to the steps of deleting your account permanently from the respective application of Snapchat. Follow the mentioned below steps in order to do so.

Steps to Delete Your Snapchat Account Permanently Using Your Computer, iPhone and Android Device

The steps for deleting your Snapchat account is easy and follows a procedure including some steps that you should consider while deleting the account. But, before deleting your account, make sure that you are ready to do so. Here are these steps, take a look at them:

Note:- users can not delete their Snapchat account within the app. So, in order to do so, you need to take the help of any of the browsers like Google Chrome, Firefox, UC Browser or any others.

To delete your Snapchat account permanently via computer, iOS, or Android device, switch on your device that you are using, and open the browser of “Google Chrome”. Or you can use any other web browser as well.

Now visit Snapchat’s page “ https://support.snapchat.com/delete- accounts”. If you are using Mac or iPad, you can use the browser of “Safari”.

Now enter your Snapchat login credentials, including email ID and password. And then click or tap on the “Login” button that should be placed at the bottom of the screen. In case, if you forget your password, you can set a new one by clicking on the option of “Reset Password”. After setting a new password, you will receive a confirmation email stating your new password.

Now login with your email ID and new password and tickmark the box confirming that you are not a robot.

Click or tap on the option of “Delete My Account”.

Once again, log into your Snapchat account.

Scroldown through your screen and click on “My Accounts and Security”.

Thentap on the “Account Information” option.

Lastly,make a final attempt by clicking on the option of “Delete My Account” once again for completion of the process.

After selecting the “Delete My Account” option, your account will be deleted for 30 days. To delete your account forever, make sure not to login into your account within those 30 days, after which your account will be permanently deleted from the app. After deactivating your account, your friends will not be able to see or send you messages. They will not be able to contact you on the app. All your details will vanish.

How Can You Reactivate Snapchat Account?

Did you change your mind? Want to reactivate your Snapchat account? Reactivating your Snapchat account is also an easy task. Users need to follow the below-mentioned steps to do so: here are the steps:

To reactivate your Snapchat account, make sure to perform these actions within the 30 days of deactivating your account. Otherwise, you won’t be able to reactivate your account after 30 days.

Open the Snapchat app on your device, or if you have uninstalled the app, you can install it from the Google Play Store or App Store.

When you open the app, you will notice that you have been logged out of your account. Tap on the login option. Enter your email ID and password in the box. If you have set a new password before deactivating your account, make sure to remember the password that you have reset. Because without the new password, you won’t be able to log into your account.

After entering your login information, tap on the “Login” button again after which you will be asked if you want to reactivate your account. Tap on “Yes”. You can now see your account and all the chats, and images within the app.

After completion of the process, you will receive a confirmation email in your inbox stating that your account is now ready to use. Now you can chat with your friends, capture images and share them with your loved ones who use the same app.

Jackson Henry. I’m a writer living in USA. I am a fan of technology, arts, and reading. I’m also interested in writing and education. You can read my blog with a click on the button above.

Sourse- Wanna Delete Your Snapchat Account

#snapchat

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fureniku · 5 years ago

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The return of my blog or something idk

Looks like in my last blog I said I’d not post my semi-private stuff here, only to a private blog.

Honestly, I can’t remember the name of the private blog; let alone the login/password. I think I only made one post there, to zero followers, and kind of lost the point of doing it. So fuck it, lets just go back to being here.

Days since last post: 614 Todays date: 30th September 2019 Start time: 20:39

Well, I guess we have some catching up to do.

I don’t know how many people on here were following me before. So, I guess I’ll start with a sum-up. My previous blog was just me ranting about anxiety/depression related things. It was a good platform for me to vent my thoughts without real life friends knowing; I had a few RL friends who followed it which was great as they could give me some support, but most of them didn’t know about the blog, which was also great as they then didn’t know a side of me I’d generally prefer to keep private. That blog was deleted in early January 2018, when the drummer from my then-band found it. I had made some comments about my frustrations in the band which were true, and I stand by them - but naturally it caused drama. I deleted the account, and instantly regretted it - I only had maybe 50 followers, but now I have two, so yeah. Life since then has been... chaotic. Not specifically in a bad way, just a lot of things happened. When the blog ended I was; - Single - Playing guitar in a band - Working a dead-end job in a Warehouse - Had no ambition/drive to progress life

Three of those things have since changed; I’m still single (not for lack of trying but whatevs). I guess I’ll cover a timeline? Jan 2018: I deleted my old blog, and made this one, and a second one with a more secretive/anon name. I made a couple of posts on each, then abandoned it. Instead, I started relying mostly on just one friend to help me. May 2018: I got a new job, working for a games developer. It literally changed my life. Anxiety/depression started to clear up a lot, things just generally improved. June/July-ish 2018: I left my band. There was an argument about the fact another band was using our space for free, after we had offered it to them at a split rate and they declined. I instigated the argument, other members didn’t see eye to eye with me, so I quit. It was a final nail in the coffin kind of thing, but it was certainly the healthy thing to do. The whole situation had been kind of toxic for a little while, but I now get on just fine with all of them - I think if I had stayed much longer, that might not be the case. Our vocalist left very shortly after me as well - I don’t know the reasons why, but it seems the terms were... less happy.

September 2018: I started taking Japanese classes. Met a girl, had a crush on her for a bit, it didn’t go anywhere as usual. No biggie.

December 2018: Depression came back a bit, as it always does around then. Not much I can do about it so I just power through.

February 2019: I got made redundant from work. I was cool with it, I could see it coming for a while and there was like 12 other people too, my boss had fought hard to keep me but the game wasn’t doing so well, so I totally get it. I got a nice redundancy pay (which they by no means had to give me, so I’m super grateful). I applied for a job with another studio; quite a big one called Jagex. They were far from me so it would’ve involved moving and stuff, so quite scary. I made it to the final stages, but didn’t get it.

I now had a fair lump of cash (I had been saving for a house anyway), but not quite sure what to do with it. Followers of my previous blog can probably guess what I decided to spend it on...

April 2019: I went back to Japan! My mental-health-reset trip mark 2. I spent about two and a half weeks there (despite fucking up and accidentally buying a ticket to return mid-may... whoops). I got detained in China on my way home too but that’s a whole other story (it was all sorted and fine in the end).

While in Japan, I had time to clear my head and think. I decided I wanted to go back to university, so started thinking about how that would work. Here in the UK, we get a student loan to pay for university. It’s a bit complicated, but the way it works is you get your course length plus one year of funding. The day you set foot on campus, you use one year of funding. Now, I had already been to university previously - I studied music production. Totally dead industry, I dropped out about three weeks into my second year. That meant, I only had course length minus one year’s funding left available. So I have to pay the first year of university myself. At a cool £9,250.

My dad agreed to pay one term, so one third of that. I managed to save up another terms worth by working over the summer. I’m sat in my uni dorm right now, still not quite sure how I’ll pay for the third term... but I’ve got 6 months to figure that one out.

May 2019: I returned to my original job, back in the warehouse. Picking and packing sacks of bird food, so much fun. My mental health naturally slipped again, although everyone was really friendly to me while before it was kinda like I didn’t exist, so that was nice.

Around this time, I also joined an Overwatch team. It was a pretty big team with maybe 14-15 members, it was cool to make some new friends. Except one guy, was a dick. This OW stuff is like a whole side story from hereon... Anyway, I said to my squad leader (We’ll call her SN) that this guy is a dick. She said ok and she’d go talk to him. She said do you agree you’re being a dick, he said no. She said do you acknowledge one of the squad members thinks you’re being a dick? He said no again. Some other stuff I don’t know happened, and he got kicked off the team. He turned a load of people against her, caused loads of drama, and everyone blamed her when it was 100% my fault. So that was fun. The only reason I didn’t leave the team right then is because if I had, the entire drama would’ve been for nothing.

June 2019: My old boss who didn’t work there appeared at the end of may. I have a job for you. Ominous... but ok. Turns out, there was a new system being implemented on another contract. As I had experience with QA, and had done some IT stuff for them before, they wanted me to help with the testing and implementation. It was a job that would test my brain, while requiring little physical work - it was perfect for me. I really enjoyed it. It was supposed to be a four week thing, but we found lots of niggly little problems in the system... as far as I know, it’s actually only just gone live - but may have been delayed further.

While working up there, obviously there was downtime while waiting for fixes to be implemented. “What, you want this label a different size? oof, that’s gonna take about three weeks”. However, I got to stay in the office, doing odd jobs and stuff. One of the “odd jobs” ended up being a full on Android app, that my boss and me developed together. It was super fun to work on and really rewarding. That was worked on on-and-off between June and August.

July 2019: an interesting month. There was a major incident at work where a shelf holding very heavy metal shit stirrers collapsed. (The contract was a water treatment etc company, who provide all the clean water and water recycling for my local area. The things on the shelf literally stirred shit.) No one was hurt but it was a lot of drama, which was kind of entertaining to me as I was totally bunking off for the whole week where it happened. Not just the occasionally check Facebook on your phone at work kind of bunking off; I literally just messed about on Discord and worked on Minecraft mods for about two weeks straight. They had given me quite a big project to do, I automated the process... gg ez.

Around this time, the game I had been a part of before was to be officially cancelled. My old work invited me down to the studio to be a part of the formal funeral for the game, which was a big honour. I even got to fly the sky-whale which was awesome. It was bittersweet though, as the game meant a lot to me and had literally changed my life.

August 2019: haaaaaa august was a meme. I’d gotten kinda close with a girl (we’ll call her AP) in my Overwatch team. Like, we’d arranged to meet up at the end of August anyway but yeah, she was the first crush in a long time who actually knew I liked her. And she had certainly implied she felt the same way... like she’d been sending lots of hearts and stuff and talking to me 24/7, tagging me in “X has to take you on a date to Y place” memes and so on. Anyways, so SN had apparently picked up on the fact I liked her, and started getting super pissy with me. I was pretty good friends with SN and we got on well, but in August she suddenly started getting crazy angry with me over tiny things. It all came to a head when I let AP kill me in a game (long story). Turns out, SN was like in love with me... despite breaking up with her boyfriend of over a year like 2 days before this conversation. So yeah, she told me to fuck off and that was that, she left the team etc, which thanks to chain of command meant that I was then in charge. fun.

Anyways, get to the end of August, and I was due to meet AP. We met up, it was pretty cool. We hung out at a gaming festival, then suddenly like half way through she was like “lets split up for a bit” and I was like ........ok thats weird but alright. We didn’t meet up again until literally when she had like 2 mins to go, but it seems like she had a lot more fun without me being there. Clearly I’d done some major fuckup, which I still don’t actually know what it was. I had an anxiety attack before I even reached my car... and not a little one either. It’s quite possibly the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever had, I barely made it to my car before having a total meltdown. It was the first one I’d had for about a year and it hit hard. It took me about 30 mins to calm down, then I headed home.

I messaged her that night and asked her what happened, and she replied with “oh I never said I liked you”. It hurt a lot, like I’d been totally lead on. But hey whatever, that’s my life in a nutshell right? “Oh you want this happiness? this happiness right infront of you? HA nah”. She said in the same message that I “seemed cool” and she’d like to hang out again sometime. But literally within a week she was clearly interested in another guy, so yeah whatever. We’re still friends and play games from time to time but I know she likes this other guy, so yeah. I still like her but whatever, not much I can do about it.

Work was a meme as well. I got taken off the fun and interesting projects to do paperwork. Literally, my job was to scan 35,000 documents because they couldn’t find a couple of bits of information. I suggested much better and more efficient ways, but the boss of the contract was like “no thats bad do it this old fashioned way we don’t want any fancy apps or anything” (I had suggested a spreadsheet or database). It took me about 3 weeks of just standing by a scanner which would jam up every 15-20 sheets in. It was mental health hell, especially in the last week after all the AP stuff had happened.

September 2019: I had one week left at work. I finished the hellish scanning project on Monday afternoon. “Oh as a thanks for your massive hard work we’ll make sure to find you things to do for the rest of the week” No it’s fine, I’m happy to just finish a few days early so I have more time to prep for uni. “No no no, we’ll find you stuff to do” They did not find stuff for me to do. I literally sat there, with nothing to do bar a few odd jobs “hey can you fix this printer”, for four days. It was incredibly mind-numbingly dull. The only thing ticking me over was “hey, maybe they wanna give me a card on my last day or something to say good luck and bye and thanks for doing this literal £20/hr job for half that because you’re agency staff”. But nah, a few people said cya later, but a lot forgot I was leaving entirely. So that was a fun way to finish what had mostly been a decent job...

I then had two weeks of freedom, before moving to university on the 21st. I was nervous; who wouldn’t be? but it was cool. I finally moved out of my house, and had a place where I could make a lot of new friends (LOL). On the day I moved in, I met up with someone I’d spoken to online a few times who was living in the same building as me, we’ll call her S. She was nice, we got on well, and it was kinda cool to have a friend who was a girl that for once I didn’t have a crush on (coz I’m still totally hung up on AP). We ended up going to a club in the evening which I’ve literally never done in my life, and she brought me out of my comfort zone a lot. She was great for my anxiety and really helpful. We’ve hung out a few times since, but I kind of feel like I was just a “filler friend” until she made new friends. She actually totally blanked me when I walked past her today, so that was fun. She has my Switch atm too coz I let her borrow it, I’ll probably just get it back later this week and then be done, its like I put in all the effort to be a friend and she couldn’t care less.

Anyways, so as I said I moved in on Saturday. I met one of my four flatmates on Saturday and another on Sunday, but hadn’t seen the other two at all. It gets to Thursday and I’m tidying the kitchen a bit, my mum’s about to pick me up so I can move in my last few things, and one of the mystery people appeared - she hadn’t actually moved in yet and was just unloading her stuff. She had loads of kitchen stuff, seems she’s really into her cooking.

Anyway, mum picks me up, we go to get my stuff, then we’re driving back, and my phone starts blowing up. S: Are you in? Me: No, why? S: Your building’s on fire. Me: lol nice joke S: no really *picture of everyone evacuated with fire engines outside* S: It’s your floor too, idk which flat. I wasn’t far out, so found her outside when I arrived. I’ve seen people going in, not being funny but one of them looked like [one of my flatmates]. Shit. A few mins later, the girl who had just moved in came over. You know it’s our flat right? Shit. Turns out the extractor fan on the cooker malfunctioned. I won’t share the video itself coz one of my flatmates is in it, but yeah it just started spraying molten something all over the hob and surfaces. (They said it looked like molten metal, and they were there - but I don’t see how it would’ve gotten hot enough to melt any metal. My best guess is fat that hadn’t been cleaned from last years tenants)

So yeah, we got moved into another flat. The open cupboard right there was my one - I rescued my custom cup from it that the games studio had given me. It’s no good to drink from now, but it still looks ok so I’m glad I can keep it for decorative purposes at least. The rest of the food is waste, and I have to wait for the plates etc to get cleaned. I’m currently eating ready meals out of their cook-in containers, because I don’t have any plates, and only one fork and spoon. I bought some paper plates today though so I’ll use those from tomorrow, but I still don’t have any saucepans or anything.

I wasn’t around when they sorted out the replacement accommodation. Because of that, the other four from my flat went to the same new flat together, with one new person. I was put into a different flat which also had one other person in, my building manager assured me they’re “really nice”. I asked if they knew I was coming, BM said “they’ll know when we get up there :)”. That was Thursday, today is Monday. The only food in the kitchen is mine, I’ve not seen anyone. I’m 100% positive I’m alone in this flat.

And so yeah, that’s my uni experience so far. I had my first lectures today, it was cool because I already knew all the stuff so I got to feel smart (I’m doing computer games programming, and it was mostly about design docs which I read through extensively while working at the studio, so I knew exactly how they worked etc). But, I didn’t really make any friends. I kind of joined in with a couple of other people in each lecture, but it seems like they weren’t really interested, so whatever. I had an anime society taster this evening as well, and it was when I was on my way to that that S blanked me and I just got hit my like a wave of loneliness. I didn’t make any friends at the anime society, so I kinda just gave up and came back to my flat, and started writing this. As I was getting the fire picture from above though someone asked me if I wanted to hang out, so guess I’ll see how that goes. Not holding out much hope tbh and I’m at the point of becoming a full on hermit... I mean hey, at least I’d get a perfect score on my degree if I just focus on that and eliminate any social aspect right?

Finish time: 21:38 Length: 3,302 words/16,759 characters

#depression #anxiety #new start #moving #relationships #friendships #friends #tw #trigger warning

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aaronkaye · 7 years ago

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I had to reset my password because I kept getting it wrong, should've just texted you I'm sure you know it, I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe "she'll" re-blog or share this so you'll read it. That's where you go when we fight. Ha ha ha, that's why I'm back on this platform because of how often you go here. If I learn anything from that time in court it's ways of seeing where people go or have been on the Internet. Got I really wish I did it for everything that cost me. If I've never said it, thank you for being the only person to stand by me through all that. I wasn't what they said I was, and I'm not who you think I am. I'm still trying to discover that and put that back together. I do hear you, I deal with your hurt and my guilt which is deserved. I don't know what else you want me to do. I go so far as to allow myself to be hurt and unheard. Because I'm tired, i'm tired of feeling used, feeling taken advantage of, us not being equals, being talked down to or upset with because I'm not taking care of myself, taking care of me just gets in the way of what "we are supposed to do". Tired of being compared to other couples tired of not being excepted. My lifestyle and hack my apartment is my state of mind. It's getting better but not quick enough or you. Then again I thought you were leaving two years ago so I wasn't prepared for any of this. I may not know who I am but I know what I'm not. I don't necessarily trust you, but I trust and or expect specific reactions to happen, like clockwork we both want the other person to be different and I don't know what that means. I try to be the person you want me to be and you're still not happy. 😀🙃☺️ what would happen if I did things that felt good or more to my interests, would I lose you when we argue what I'd have to listen to constant pushing until I changed, that's normally what I do because it's not worth having an argument, and I don't mean yelling at each other I meant constant debate until I do what you want me to do or be what you want me to be. I still don't think you want me you just want the idea of me. Because me bores you, annoys you, worries you, I'm sorry that I'm not interesting enough or worth coming along with on my adventures, I spend more time catering and doing what I can to compromise and sneak me in along the way. I don't know what any of this means, I know we're both changing, I don't feel like you see me for who I am you only see me as your fears and then I have to pick you up and carry you and dust you off and console you. My fears and concerns and everything about me is put away until there's no more room. And then the lid pops open, today was not one of those situations. I honestly am always amazed how anything is related back or connected to her. "Hey would you like some toast? " "Speaking of toast…" Honestly what went through my brain was well we just had good times together, it's about that time. I honestly don't know what she wants right now but I'm going to have to spend the day and or the week Burning myself out to over console, (because it needs to be, like, it's 78° in your head, all the time. Right so blue it is, Ha ha ha orange hue) on top burning myself out to be where I'm told to be, and do what I'm told to do, and have what I am told to have, I don't know how I use you and I don't know how you don't see me. I feel, I feel like I burn myself out a lot catering to you and I just need you to see me. I will find you more answers. I honestly don't know what you want. I don't know how to keep you happy. You are correct, I hurt you. I have never denied that and I have always been the first to say that. You finally have something that you can use to dismiss all the times that I've been hurt. Now you don't have to worry about me being upset because your expectations are out of line, ...... honestly what did you want this morning? I don't know. I gave you what I had but I know it's never enough. This honestly feels like high school drama. You win, you're right. I am not denying how you feel. I'm not denying the hurt that I caused. You now have a big thing to hold over me, including your list of ways that I don't please you that I've heard and try to address since the very beginning. Even before we started dating. My list, you just wait till I wear myself out and go right back to doing things that hurt. Maybe I did it because you don't see me. I don't know. These are all "maybes". Why do you do what you do? I can't even ask that without you shutting down. We're going to end this because I didn't give you enough this morning? I didn't know what you were looking for? I wasn't willing to except my spankings? I don't know how to make up for it and I'm frustrated that I'm the only one who has to make up for things that they've done instead of moving on and trying to be a different better person. The only thing I've come up with is to be better today than I was yesterday. But I'm also talking to this person who will leave wet towels on my bed or on the floor, but damn me for doing that to her. You don't have to change or be respectful or considerate. Why do I use toilet paper instead of tissues, probably force of habit, I can't afford both so I use toilet paper at home. I will make a conscious effort to use tissues. (seriously, Can you please please please stop leaving towels on the bathroom floor, my bedroom floor and or bed? It ruins the towels and sometimes the floor. No? OK then never mind I'll just follow you around and pick up after you like I do, I'm sure you haven't noticed (that I do that) but I'd like to be respected too.) And just because I don't respect myself doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to feel respected. I would love, absolutely love to have somebody dote on me and make sure I am kept as happy as possible for as long as possible and if I don't feel happy make it their responsibility. Do you ever stop to think that maybe the reason you don't feel happy even when you get what you want is because your continuous happiness is not other people's responsibility? If they truly do something wrong sure fine be unhappy about it. But you need "happiness" like some people need an iron lung. I really did not know what you wanted for me this morning I gave you what I had. But again I'm not the one who's allowed to complain because I am the only one who has to change to provide for someone else. Yet again this happened and we had an argument all because I couldn't bottle it up inside and take my punishment. I am sorry I will devote every effort an ounce of energy and figuring out why it happened. I know that from time to time you get sad about it, just like from time to time I get sad about things and you need to talk about them just like I need to talk about them. Do you, you do understand that people also feel things the way you feel things, right? But I guess I got my answer, I am not a good person, and I guess I've never been a good person because before it even happened I was being punished for it. But you're a good person that's way that's why we can dismiss any hurt you cause. I have never felt you to feel guilty for anything you've done to me no remorse no anything. You've stolen, lied, coveted, demanded, pushed, harassed, threatened, and nothing, Not an "I'm sorry", an actual I'M SORRY, there's two parts to it, one is acknowledging what you did and the other part of I'm sorry is a promise to change and be more considerate and mindful in the future. You use I'm sorry as the thing you're supposed to say, there is no value in it because there's no promise to change. Both parts give value to the other. Maybe that's why I'm so quick to get frustrated. You interpreted as I'm not letting you speak or not being respectful of your feelings. I see it as how much harder do I have to work for somebody who won't do the same for me. And I've heard you speak, I've heard you say the same things, plural, for the past 4 plus years. I'm changing, I'm working as hard as I can, I am running around on eggshells careful not to have your happiness go below 78°, give me something specific to do then. Because me facing it, me deciding what changes in me need to be made or what I can do to prove myself is not solving it. In fact never mind, because even when I do what you say it's not excepted. I am currently dealing with the pain that I caused, the pain that I feel that led me to do something so stupid, and my own guilt. I don't know if that's worth anything to you, I don't think it is. I'm doing it alone, like I do most things. I am working hard to be who you want me to be. Ha ha ha, the reason this always gets bigger than one loan situation or sentences because it is all connected if it's not about her it's about something else. I'm tired of being threatened in order to jump through hoops, I want to be a good person too. I want to be seen and respected. I might not know what I am but I know what I'm not. And I'm not a lot of the things that I've had to become to keep you at 78°. I'm tired of being compromised and I don't know what the right answer is. I mean, even for my birthday, I'm catering to you. I just wanted to celebrate me because it was my first birthday since I decided I didn't want to be on this planet anymore. It had , Actually had meaning to me. I am here. I am here but...... I'll get to that later because I have to compromise myself. I'm gonna go put on that sweatshirt, because that sweatshirt has a lot of good memories in it. And those memories are my take away from that week. I filled it up with those memories. Not the frustration, not the lying to myself to be happy, not the crying I did when you weren't looking. It sounds dumb, it sounds like some sort of New Age bullshit. But that's why I bought it. I bought it so I could pretend that I was important. It is all connected. Pain I mean. I know that one situation is sometimes tied to another and a new situation has relatable moments to other memories that may have been good or bad. I understand all that I understand why sometimes you feel sad. I feel so sad because you have those connections. I'm trying to build new connections not so it doesn't hurt at all but so some days it hurts less. I'm trying to do that for myself and for you. The painful connections are always heavier than hundreds of good ones. That's why I have the sweatshirt. That's why I have a $50 bottle of wine, and ski ball, and the Ferris wheel, and sand toys, and a bunch of muscle shells in a napkin....

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sykntired · 7 years ago

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Hello again! I was still checking this blog from time to time, hoping to see it revived - I'm glad it finally happened, your characters are like friends to me! Could you say something about their affiliations? Who knows who? Do they get along or not? How many separate worlds are there? (Sorry for the avalanche of questions, I got excited!)

Oh wow, I’m surprised (and very flattered!) to hear that :D I had almost given up hope on ever getting back into this blog, but I was finally able to reset the password this morning! Thank you for sticking around!! Absolutely no need to be sorry!This is a question I love to ponder, so thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about it! I’m gonna begin by sorting my characters into groups to make things a little easier:A)- Jolee- Clement- Maggie- Neverwell (?)- Scotch- MurrayB)- Saria- Jay- EmalineC)- Dumberry- Unnamed aardwolf character- ArdonD)- Harass- MidgeflyE)- SykF)- Sofia/”classic” Saria- VioletG)- Jeanie- Lee- KitsuneThose are most of my characters. The ones I’m currently focusing on, at least! I may occasionally draw (or allude) to characters from different groups interacting, but it’s not canon! Group “A” is set in a parallel universe populated by anthropomorphic animals - not unlike Zootopia. There are no humans in this reality, just walking, talking animal-people. They go to school, drive cars, get jobs, raise families, etc. Their world is very similar to ours in many ways! I should also point out that Jo’s story takes place in the present! They have access to the same types of technology as us, so it wouldn’t be unusual to see a weasel using a smart phone, or a cat on their tablet.Group “B” is set in a completely different universe from group “A”. One that combines elements of both the past and present. For example, Jay and Saria might dress in modern-looking clothes and live in modern-looking homes, but nobody drives cars or talks on cell phones. If you need to travel long distances, you take a boat. Just watch out for pirates! They very much still exist in this universe. I’m still working on group “C”, so I can’t share much about these guys yet! Sorry! They may end up being merged with another group at some point, but right now there’s too much I’m uncertain about.Harass and Midge (group “D”) are special; the planet they live on is inhabited solely by elephants. There are many unique elephant ‘races’, and they’re as culturally diverse as humans! Different races may have their own languages, religions, customs, social struggles, etc. Group “E” is kind of complicated... Syk lives in a world populated by all sorts of unusual creatures. Some have developed the ability to walk on two feet and use tools like humans. Others are just regular animals! However, unlike group “A”, none of them are smart enough to talk or use advanced technology. They may construct crude dwellings made of rock/mud/sticks, cook with fire, and cover themselves to keep warm, but they’re far from civilised! They still mostly rely on their instincts and react like animals when threatened.

Pretty much anything goes in group “F”. Humans, animals, and humanoids co-exist in this universe. Beyond that, I don’t really know! These characters could probably appear in other universes just for the heck of it. There really are no rules.The world Lee and Jeanie (Group “G”) live in is heavily based on my own reality, in that humans are the dominant species and most animals lack self-awareness. Kitsune is an exception! Humans don’t believe in magical/supernatural beings even when they have strange experiences they can’t quite explain. It’s possible there are ghosts/demons/mythical creatures in this universe, but proving they exist would be difficult!SO, to answer your question, there are at least 6 different universes set in various time periods. Outside of their own groups, nobody knows each other (Sofia and Violet miiiight be an exception, not sure!). I don’t think they all even exist at the same time, haha. Oh, and there’s a question mark next to Neverwell’s name because I’m not sure he exists at all anymore :X Just in case you were wondering!Hopefully that clears some things up for you! Thank you for your question :D

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jessfielding91 · 8 years ago

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sleep and paranoia

So I am typing this again whilst trying to sleep. I am typing this to try and help me sleep. To try and get my thoughts down so I can get a better nights sleep. The result if this is without a doubt too much coffee before I went to bed. I feel it in my fingers and bones. I feel it in my chest right now as I type this. Here I am hoping to just feel some sense of relief from literally everything going on inside my head.

So how did it all start? Well I just felt so much anxiety before going to bed. Like as in someone or something was wanting to come out. It was like in my chest which I have not had since I was working at sainsbury’s. I got into a fight with my flatmate over me waking her up cos I was trying to plug a charger into my plug next to my bed. I tried to reach it but it didn't. Then this proceeded me for like ten mins of me trying to get it in and then getting my bed in the right position. She needed her sleep as did I. I was trying to chill out but I couldn’t cos all I could hear was banging doors and footsteps going downstairs. That’s when I went downstairs to investigate.

Everyone was sat down and I asked if everything was ok. Everyone who I live with said no especially my roommate who’s room is above me. We kinda got into a bit of an argument cos I was saying the laptop helps me relax and it chills me out before going to bed. Normally I just put on YouTube then I fall asleep. Not tonight cos of bloody coffee and hifi bars that I had. Everyone was saying I shouldn’t be allowed to have my laptop upstairs and if i want to use it I use it in the front room. I also got into an argument about finances and how I thought I had saved some money but I hadn’t. This money was for a holiday. They said that I was lucky cos I didn’t have to pay debts off or that I didn’t have to pay towards direct payments. This wound me up even more. I understand that I was kinda in the wrong but still I just felt like it was them against me. I tried everything in my power not to cry because if I cry it’s a sign of weakness in their eyes but for me it’s a sign of frustration. In their eyes: if I don’t get my own way I cry. It’s hard cos I am trying not to cry and that is the way I am. I am trying to change but I just feel like I am always going to be a 25 year old cry baby. Even as I write this now I am crying my eyes out.

But yeah I went upstairs to try and just walk away to not cause any more arguments. It was then I did something stupid: I bit myself. Self harming isn’t a good coping mechanism and everyone knows I do it. I normally bite myself on the hand and punch myself in the jaw and/or head. This is where the spiralling started. It all just went a bit out of control from there. I even contemplated just ending it. Just thoughts though. I don’t think I would ever have the guts to do it in reality.

First off I tried to just put YouTube on but for some reason I did the number one thing that was bad: Google Why am I bad to live with? It never came up with anything in particular so I tried a different search: Why am I a bad roommate? It came up with a few bits and bobs. I read a few pages and it said the usual stuff like: You don’t do any washing, you never pay any bills, that kinda thing. I knew that this wasn’t helping my anxiety at all. In fact it was making it worse. I then stumbled on a page on this wonderful website. The blog was called: I hate my roommate. I spent about an hour on there reading through all these posts and I was thinking the whole time: “God I hope I am not like this?” and: “I am not that bad am I?” This is when the paranoia was really setting in.

I decided to switch the laptop off and somehow try to go to sleep. However my brain wouldn’t switch off. I was tossing and turning. No position was working. I heard someone else come in and then the dogs started barking. Everyone was all like happy to see them including the dogs. Everyone started talking and I could tell they were talking about me. My brain started thinking all sorts of scenarios. Ones that I wouldn’t have thought otherwise. I was thinking I was going to wake up with a note in the morning when I wake up saying: “We have had a discussion and we thought it’s best you leave this house. You have 24 hours to pack your stuff and find somewhere to stay for now.” I was crying when I thought of that one. Another one I thought of was I was just the worst person ever. I started listing everything in my head that is wrong with me. I just kept on thinking of scenarios in my head: Like me ringing friends asking if I could stay the night cos I was desperate and stuff like that. All of this shit was going on and on in my head whilst trying to fall asleep. I thought it was much later when I woke up and switched the light on. I looked at my phone and realised it was only 2:30am. How had it only been an hour? In my head it was much later. It always seems a lot later when you can’t sleep.

So I got up and contemplated what to do. I made the number one mistake again I used Google. I googled: having too much coffee before bed. It just came up with the symptoms. Didn’t really help much like. So I thought about my other options. Sometimes I rant into a webcam when I feel like this. Heck I made a documentary about it over six month. That was canny powerful. I could have written a poem about how I am feeling. I opted for the webcam at first but I realised that it does the 1 2 3 thing on PhotoBooth and I didn’t want to wake my roommate again. I muted it and tried to talk but it was lagging so much that I couldn’t do anything. That’s when I tried here. I typically forgot my password. I reset it again though. Then I started typing. I didn’t know whether it would be a poem or just me rambling. It has ended up me rambling. It is now 3: 21am in the morning and I can finally feel tiredness coming. Well I shall hope so. The palpitations have gone and now I feel a bit more relaxed. I am going to try and do some meditation or something to switch my mind off a bit more.

So I hope you all sleep well. Goodnight.

Jess

x-x-x-x

#can't sleep

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