#reset my password and finally got to see my blog again

[aliencatcloud]

MICHAELLLLLLLLLLLLLL

@NetflixUK: Michael reveal… 🍂

[misfitprideland]

THE WAY I have not been able to regain access to this blog for well over a year because Tumblr physically would not let me reset my password or send any links to recover access. My god.

I finally got it back, and there's going to be some mild changes made. The boys will still probably be the main written characters on this blog, however, I am combining/adding my OC's from another blog to this one, just to have them all in one place and easier to access. These muses are also supernatural/in the same family and include: a medium, shapeshifter, demon, etc. Please feel free to check them out and introduce your characters to them!

For now, while I'm working on this blog transition (and like 2 of my prior partners are still here), hi. The inbox is open. It's wonderful to see you again.

[danae-inprogress]

Mini Diary Entry: January 14, 2025

Happy New Year, lovelies! I hope 2025 gives you generously everything you’ve been dreaming of! Long time no see, I guess. Well, quite a few things have changed in my life since the last time I posted here - which was in August (omg). The most important changes are that I got a full - time job (I don’t like it btw lmao) and that I’m in an amazing relationship that makes me truly happy (wlw alert!). Hopefully, I can start posting consistently again because this blog can keep me motivated and help me stick with my goals this year. If you can get a little inspired and motivated too… well, that’s even better! Today, work was busy since I had 5 classes in a row. I am quite tired ngl, and I low-key have a headache that’s probably because of humidity. Nevertheless, I still did my best today, and I’m proud of it. Highlights of my day: ✨I fixed my stripe account. It needed some verification, and I procrastinated doing that for a while. I finally did it today! ✨I started writing my new medium post. I wanna post it by the end of this week. ✨Well, I’m writing this post for this very neglected Tumblr blog. ✨I fixed my twitch account. Another thing I procrastinated doing. I hadn’t been on that site in forever, and I needed to reset my password. I’m glad I did it. Meh moments: Not many, to be honest. ❌It was a tiring and busy work day. Not much I could do about this tbh. ❌I could have eaten a little healthier. I also hope I can stretch and practice gratitude before heading to bed.

So, how you’ve all been?

[jexetic]

I hated technology today

I got locked out of my WordPress blog by my host’s firewall today. Wasn’t able to get in all day and was genuinely considering saying fuck it and just moving my blog to Tumblr. I don’t think I’m gonna end up pulling the trigger on that, but I was very irritated.

While I was trying to figure that out I restarted my router to see if that would help. Once it restarted, though, my WiFi networks were gone. The internet was coming back up, because desktop could access it fine through ethernet. But no WiFi networks. I had to leave for work so I just decided screw it, maybe that would fix itself by the time I came home. 

I went to work, came home, and neither issue was fixed. Still no access to my hosting panel or blog, and my WiFi networks were nowhere to be found. I finally realized that for whatever reason my router had reset my SSID and passwords back to default. I went to change them and got an error. I went to login with the default combination on my laptop and it just hung forever. I restarted the router again. I clicked the default SSID from the list and entered the default password, and it told me wrong password. Turns out, my changes from before to the network name and password went into effect after that last restart. Just to troll me a bit more, I guess. 

Anyway. I just got back into my blog. My hosting company said they disabled the feature that locked me out of my site all day today. So I will keep my personal blog here I guess. But technology was not my friend today.

[isolatedsmiless]

I am returning to this website after 10 long years today. A new friend I made last night passionately insisted I should make a new account. She watched intensely over my shoulder as I typed in my usual email, and without realizing I found myself resetting my password instead of making a new account.

What I didn’t expect to find was our old blog. Every exchange left perfectly intact. I wasted no time. I couldn’t help myself from diving headfirst into this pristine time capsule. A giddiness buzzed through me as I began to read through all of it again. I couldn’t believe it was all still there. I found myself smiling, even laughing at some of our earlier replies. The more I read the more my expression grew more serious. My index finger rested across my lips, my thumb holding my chin in a habitual gesture of concentration. My brows furrowed deeper and deeper as I discovered my own stupidity. It's clear to me now. An entire decade later, you had feelings for me.

Trust me, I understand how absolutely ridiculous it is that it took me so long to catch on. I denied the truth right in front of me. I saw it and scoffed at myself, reasoning that it was just my imagination. As beautiful and vulnerable as your words were, I believed it was fiction, completely separate from our reality. The effort in my replies dwindled, my confusion and discomfort obvious as I avoided how I truly felt. My self-image was poisoned in hatred, and I truly didn’t understand anything that contradicted the belief that I was worthless and underserving of love. Reading some of my replies, I wish I could reach back and shake myself awake.

 “How could you reply so callously?!”

The horrifying realization has finally dawned on me how awful it must have felt to see me act like nothing had changed despite your confession. I’m heartbroken to realize I hurt you so deeply. There your feelings were, plain as day, and I refused to acknowledge them. It feels so much worse knowing how clueless I was to the pain you must have been in. For the last decade I have been confused about why things ended the way they did. I did my best to heal from the belief that you never cared about me.

If only you knew how much I wanted you to like me. I tried so hard to be masculine around you. How you felt about me mattered more than anything. I remember one day we were standing in your kitchen right before we watched Wolf Boy, and you had this look on your face I couldn’t quite place. You said I was really cool. Your tone was soft and genuine, like you admired me. My joy overflowed and burned so hot inside me I thought I would burst. I grinned and rubbed the back of my neck. “What? Me, cool? No way…” I casually brushed it off, but internally I felt like I had won a huge victory. In the end my effort paid off, but when I got what I wanted, I brought up every reason I could think of to explain that it wasn’t what I thought it was.

Even if this never reaches you, I wish for you to know how I felt. I loved you. I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone. I wish I was a better writer, that way you can understand how losing you absolutely destroyed me. I couldn’t think about you, hear your name, or see your picture, without sobbing my eyes out for 6 years. It took several more years to heal from it enough so that my voice didn’t break, and my body didn’t tremble when telling our story. I asked myself so many times when and where it went wrong. What I could have done differently. Maybe if I had gone back to the blog sooner, I could have seen it. Maybe if I had shown any of my therapists, they could have told me how dense I was being.

There was nothing you could have done to heal my wounds back then. I was lost in my own darkness, and no one could pull me out as much as I begged to God for someone to save me. I was the only one with that power, and I was too focused on the black abyss in front of me. Too fixated on all the evidence that suggested I was a burden, unworthy of empathy or care. I was blind to the opportunities of happiness around me, and the loss of our relationship was the final push that dragged me into that blackness. I still believe it was the darkest time in my life. My father died a year later, and I thought of you and wondered how you would feel if you heard about it.

 I never understood how or why you were so cruel to me in the end, but I understand now. I imagine you wanted me to feel the way I had made you felt. Unimportant, tossed aside, like how you felt didn’t matter. I thought showing you how much I cared about you through my actions was enough, but you needed the reassurance of me telling you exactly how I felt. I’m so sorry I didn't see it back then. I didn't understand that our fictional world was a real reflection of how you felt. For someone so smart, I was really fucking stupid.

I would scream out a thousand times how much I cared for you for the smallest chance that you might hear me. I’m so sorry. I wish I could do it all over again.

[31st]

one time like 2 years ago i got a message from an old mutual that was like “someone has been talking about you on your blog!!! click this link to see” and i clicked it because i had insecurities and then i got forcefully logged out and had to reset my password. and when i logged back in i was like “ugh finally i can see what that person was saying about me” and i went to click on the link again. anyway i had to reset my password 3 times before i realized

[twentysos]

Bringing Past to Present

Once upon a time, I sat at my computer during my prime twenties with my life literally an open book to read. I shared my confidence, my thoughts, my flaws, and my troubles. I did all this with very little worry about what trouble it might cause or what thoughts might be had about my words. I just wanted to share the rollercoaster of life and that, as alone as it might feel, there are people out in the world who also want to hear about your problems, and most importantly, your solutions. 

So I sat at my computer, with my life on stage, as I blogged about anything and everything. Now that I look back, maybe it wasn’t about helping other people as much as just helping myself. Speaking my words (or writing them) just makes me feel good. Thousands of words and daunting thoughts slowly leaving my body and all of a sudden I feel light. Almost functional again. 

Then one day I stopped and I’ve been feeling heavy ever since.

I stopped writing because I openly talked about an old employer who I felt may or may not have had a hostile environment. I will also state that almost a decade later, I still believe this to be true. I also cab painfully admit, I was probably a child regarding the situation and did some pretty stupid things. No matter what the wrong and right situation was, I was stifled. I took down the post, deactivated my blog and never looked back. Well, that’s not all true. I constantly look back. 

When the words bubbled up and I began pacing with anxiety about a situation, I looked back to openly sharing my thoughts. I just wanted to let out the frustrations like screaming out loud at the top of a mountain and just how good that could feel. I’ve tried to just write it out privately in books and on the cloud but it just doesn’t work. 

So I would do a quick search to look for my blog to remind me what it was like to feel stuck and then all of a sudden unstuck with just a little bit of time passing. There would always be a quick moment of relief and then I would close the tab also reminding myself of the harm it had caused. 

Until tonight...

Tonight I went through every email account I could have had from the past 10 years just to see which one would yield an account through Tumblr. Then resetting the password to access that email so I could also reset my Tumble password. Until I finally got here. Writing to you.

Tonight, I was pacing with that anxiety and the bubbles were drowning me. I was so sure that nothing would help me breathe again but just writing this I am back to sitting in my troubles just chest-deep. 

I am also currently staring at a blog named TwentySOS and only half of it is true seems to be true. Life is still one big SOS but it’s not a twenty-something thing. It’s an everybody thing. 

I am 233 days to the big three-oh. At this very moment, I am also realizing that it will be my “Golden” birthday. 30 on the 30th which might change my mind about what I am about to say. 

I’m going to be 30 and even after a decade of searching, I still can’t seem to figure out my place or purpose in this world. But now, I am less motivated and not even sure if there is a prize to have my eyes on. I am a closed book. Nobody knows that I feel lost, I keep most people at arm's length, and really do seem to have an invisible bubble that really isn’t invisible because everyone can clearly read the sign on it that says “Stay over there”. Most things feel impossible, too scary, too risky, too something and it’s honestly like I look in the mirror and I am not even sure who is staring back at me anymore. The actual life that I have used to live has been sucked out of me.

At least I still believe in change and that we are all creators of it. So I’m going to create change, open the book, and let the world know that I am doing my best to leave my mark on it. Because it very well might be that I leave this world without ever finding a place to be, but I refuse to go quietly. 

[diana-panda]

wow I can’t even remember the last time I logged onto Tumblr. This place used to be my life, I even had to reset my password to log back on here. i’m amazed that I still have followers. looking at things I used to blog about is so bittersweet, I legitimately feel the things I felt back in the days. shit was really changed since then. been broken over and over and having to grow bigger and bigger. I decided every few years I'll make a  post, a lil update of my life so I can  continue to self reflect on the shit I wanna change. considering I know absolutely none of my followers, this is the perf place for me to just unload a bunch sack load of shit. covid was crazy this year, survived that shit and realize all those years smoking have really fucked my lungs up. today I got another call from Dahni, who I still consider as my best friend forever. one day when we both got our shit together and both thinking straight again, I know we’ll be able to be friends like we used to. I never pick up to phone numbers I don’t know but every fuckin time I randomly choose to pick up to a rando number - it’s Dahni. this is the 5th time she has called me from a mental hospital. it’s crazy, never thought my life would have be me working in a mental hospital and her coming in and out of one. after all these years, you’ve probs haven’t seen her in 3 years - but she has never ever forgot your phone number, even when she has completely lost her mind. she literally doesn't make sense when she talks. at the beginning, you sometimes understood the shit she said and understood what she meant and felt because you were that fuckin close to losing your whole damn mind before you decided to get sober. still so proud of you choosing to be sober, even after probation, even after drug tests. Dahni still remembers your literal exact address. she said she’s been sending you letters for the past 2-3 years but you haven’t seen shit, especially because you moved to Milwaukee this year. you texted daddy but he said he ain’t seen shit, probs lying, he would hide this shit from you. he always hated her but he doesn’t understand that it was actually you who got her into drugs in the first place. I pray all the time Dahni has completely lost herself or she’ll be able to return to herself again, I miss having my best friend around. after the call, you looked at oldddd ass pics like 2015 shit, yall were the craziest - up and just went to alberqueque, breaking into hotels and creating body slides out of tables and chairs in the ballroom, tripping at the trail of lights and deciding to just walk towards the Austin skyline, there were so many pics I don’t even know where we’re at. I miss that life with you dude, not giving two shits about anything and doing whatever we could to just live life. you were the one person I connect with in such a weird way. anyway 2020 was the year I had to finally grow up, and I can’t be more proud. the reason I got sober was because I was drugged then gang raped in 2016, but I have finally accepted that it happened and I am finally moving past it. your ptsd and anxiety was debilitating. months of therapy with no progress, Janet your psychologist thought the best option was drugs to calm you down but you refused, mommy had to move down to San Antonio with you, you got daddy to install security cameras around the house, you went to 3 different police stations and 2 different apple stores because you thought you were being tracked, a panic attack literally every fuckin day, you got your first gun - but damn shit has changed. I think when you got rogue, that was the start of your life changing around. you used to walk her literally only on your street but now you can walk her for hours anywhere. you got control of your own life again. texas sunshines helped you tremendously, you met a few life long friends - even though you made some besties but ended up losing them - either way, they helped you return back to your old self, the free spirit and careless golden wild beautiful soul you had. exposure therapy - that shit works. going to 6th every weekend, even a couple times a weekend helped you a lot. you had only a couple freak outs where you let your anxiety take over you but there was progress. you have grown so much the past 4 years, it’s honestly mind blowing because you used to be at rock bottom. you legit lost your mind at one point, legit rock bottom, even hearing voices and seeing shit, Janet said drug induced psychosis - but your resiliency and strong heart and soul helped you, with the help of god of course. you were in such a dark place but getting through that helped you be where you are now. but none of this could've happened without the help of your parents - they taught you the definition of unconditional love. maybe that’s why Dahni is still battling this love and hate relationship with drugs - she doesn’t have this support system like you. your parents never gave up on you dude, like how am I ever gonna repay them, because if it wasn’t for them - I'd literally be dead long ago. you still have only told a few of your close friends. Dahni and Mikayla a year after it happened. kiara, erin, and Gracie 3 years after it happened. maybe that’s all that ever has to know. this shit don’t define your life anymore girl. it sucked but you have let that shit take enough of your life. no more living in the past. you live and you learn. stop thinking of ways how you’ll somehow find these fuckers and make them pay, they’ll get what’s coming to them. I used to pray everyday these fuckers got killed and died a horrible and painful death but you’re letting them win every time you waste a second thinking about them. just be thankful you got out of that shit alive. you have this deep rooted reputation of a party girl. but never forget, daddy defended you when yall had guests over once - “yes she parties a lot, but she also studies hard too.” you’re legit a UT grad, you got into grad school - which you are killing. you’ve never been a straight A student but now you are in grad school whaaat. but you know if you studied this much and this hard during UT - you would’ve had a higher gpa, but no regrets. ever!! my time at UT was truly a blessing - it was the best time and worst time ever. that was boot camp training you to be resilient. you used to think you were being punished for having to move to Milwaukee for grad school but that was the biggest blessing in disguise. Jim howard was right, even if I did get accepted into UT’s msn program - I shouldn’t go or stay anywhere near Austin, I have too many distractions here, I would’ve failed out immediately - I need to start thinking like a healthcare provider, people’s literal lives will be in your hands. you can’t kill no one dude, losing your license will actually be the end of yo life and all this school and bullshit would’ve been for nothing. Milwaukee was rough at the beginning but you’ve grown to fall in love and appreciate its true beauty. you needed a break from Austin, it’ll always be your endgame and it aint going anywhere. you got to start over, start fresh, grow up, it was exactly what you needed. Milwaukee was the place where you defeated your ptsd, your annoying anxiety - I mean yeah sometimes you do psych yourself out but you have made the craziest progress, even Janet is so surprised and proud of you! you fuckin live alone and do a damn good job of it. but it wouldn’t have happened without Lola. rogue saved you 4 years ago and now Lola has saved you. they are both fuckin wild and misbehaving, but I am sooooo thankful I have them in my life. god put the most perfect dogs into my life, they helped you be where you’re at today. you even made a fuckin solo trip with just you and Lola from Milwaukee to Austin, stayed in Memphis with just yall 2 and literally no panic attacks. never thought that would have ever been possible. lol having your gun around definitely helps. this year you realized that you used to be fat, how come no one told you omg. but that doesn’t matter because you have finally reached the weight you had on your vision board that you made in high school - 105. you got home from grad school and literally every single fuckin person in your life has said you lost so much weight - girl you didn’t even know it, you don’t got a scale in Milwaukee. but looking at past pics, holy shit girl you lost weight. you still got some to go but good job dude - don’t ever let yourself get that bad again. your new goal is to be 100, then you can stop stressing. lol you’ve been trying to lose weight literally since high school, and all it took was grad school and being depressed AFFFFFFFFF to lose 20 fuckin pounds! with the help of addy too. yeah you were depressed, started in the 2nd semester of grad school and was at its worse at in the 3rd semester. but you yourself, and Lola of course, pulled yourself out of that. you walked to the beach, appreciate the scenery, focus on the sound waves - learn to love life again. you’ve changed so much dude, I feel like you’ve finally lost all of your old self now. quarantining for covid made you finally truly clean your room and rearrange it. took the biggest cleanse of your life, and damn it was a struggle because you the biggest hoarder out here. you found your old pieces, crazy how you still got them, you found old pills, even weed - proud of you for throwing everything away finally, and real quick. because you did think about smoking some and pop a pill or two - what’s the worst thing that can happen right. bitch you know what can happen, normal people can do that but you have forever fucked your mind up, like physically and biologically fucked up your brain. the way drugs works on your brain and Dahni’s brain only has a dark side to it - drug induced psychosis - every time, no matter what or when or how long it’s been, you have forever fucked that up. yall dropped the ball on that shit, yall did it too much, esp the mind altering shit and will never be able to enjoy drugs again - but that’s okay. you don’t need that shit. okay for guys, fuckin listen to me here girl. we ain’t going into zayne or Terren - yo first 2 boyfriends was just dipping yo feet in the waters for dating. you already know what you learned from them. you know what you want and don’t you ever fuckin settle.”life is a mess when you settle for less.” I loved Arin, and I'll always love him. your dumbass almost married him but why, knowing he does not meet half yo standards. from Arin, you learned you want someone that treats you like a princess like he did, he always showed you off, he put you on a pedestal, you were legit his everything - you want someone that does that, where you are their everything. but you don’t want someone who gets angry like that, who lets problems get bigger and bigger til they explode - shit needs to be fixed immediately, if your their everything - shouldn’t they do everything in their power to make sure it stays like that. from josh, you learned you want someone who you can be your goofy self and have fun and literally laugh all the damn time with you - it was such a fun time with josh, yall really did have this amazing connection. he truly loved you and honestly truly loved you. I loved josh, and I'll always love him too. he was the first relationship you had after getting raped, and he showed you how to trust men again. these 2 dudes lacked goals and had different visions for the future from you. you’re such a goal oriented and family oriented person - they were not. you worked hard to get to where you are today, and continue to drop the guys and the people who will get in the way of your goals. friends too - if they ain’t with you, drop em. in the end, it’s your family who will always be there for you. lol you truly treat guys like shit dude and everyone knows it, you don’t even feel bad about it, maybe it’s from being raped, maybe it’s from that ginormous wall you’ve built, or maybe you’re just that afraid of getting hurt, but that’s okay, you can keep doing that, it’ll get rid of the weak ones - what you can’t do is treat the good ones like shit, like tai. you never expected to find a dude so different, but maybe that’s what you need. he’s the exact opposite of the typical guys you usually go for - a fuckin gamer, not 6 feet, lol even asian. you didn’t date tai but yall definitely had something for 6 months. he has never done drugs and doesn’t want to even try drugs - I didn’t know that was maybe something I needed in a guy. from tai, you learned that you do want someone who went to college, grad school is even better, super caring about you. at one point you did think he was going to be the one - he speaks Vietnamese, he’s in pharmacy school, he can game with your brother. he may seem perfect but you learned a lot of shit you don’t want in someone. you’re not on social media a lot anymore, other than snapchat. you even had insta deleted for months - then when school ended for winter break, it took you awhile to download insta again, but when you did, you made one post and never got on it again. tai is super in the social media world, and you don’t want that. you’re starting to be someone who really lives in the moment, the shit happening right in front of you matters to you more, you don’t want someone super into the social media world. he doesn’t treat you like you’re a priority to him, he actually makes it clear that he actually doesn’t give two shits about you - so why you allowing yourself putting any efforts into that. the second he’s upset, he’ll drag that shit out and won’t try to fix shit at all - you need someone who will fix shit right then and there so yall don’t go to sleep at night angry, you need someone who will fight and continue fighting for you no matter what. he doesn’t apologize for shit and when he does, there is always an excuse - you need someone who owns up to shit and apologizes sincerely. you deserve someone who truly cares about you and is committed to you, they need to do anything in their power to keep you and show you love you and not give up on you. you did not get gang raped to settle down for someone who doesn’t make you feel loved. you did not graduate from UT and get into grad school for someone who causes you mental stress and make you unhappy. you did not grow into this strong, independent, brilliant ass woman to date someone who makes you question your worth. you deserve someone who continuously challenges you to be your best self and make you feel beautiful. cami said you deserve someone who spoils you, and she is damn fuckin right. you have come so far, getting sober, getting into grad school, someone needs to feel lucky as fuck they have you. but what’s the common denominator between all these dudes - quit pushing guys away, quit purposely ruining shit because you’re scared of shit, quit getting pissed because they don’t react the way you wanted, quit overthinking shit because you’re usually fuckin wrong. just don’t settle for less but allow yourself to get close. your trust issues ain't going anywhere, but learn to put your guard down a tad bit, let yourself get hurt - it’ll only make you into a stronger bitch than you already are. nothing will ever hurt you nearly as much when you got raped. if you got through that, you can literally get through anything. a lot has happened in the last 4 years, but you know what you need to focus on. continue working on your best self. keep thriving and surviving. maybe we’ll self reflect and reorient again when grad school is over in a couple years and you’re back in Austin. just be happy <3 do your best and fuck the rest

[aaronkaye]

I had to reset my password because I kept getting it wrong, should've just texted you I'm sure you know it, I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe "she'll" re-blog or share this so you'll read it. That's where you go when we fight. Ha ha ha, that's why I'm back on this platform because of how often you go here. If I learn anything from that time in court it's ways of seeing where people go or have been on the Internet. Got I really wish I did it for everything that cost me. If I've never said it, thank you for being the only person to stand by me through all that. I wasn't what they said I was, and I'm not who you think I am. I'm still trying to discover that and put that back together. I do hear you, I deal with your hurt and my guilt which is deserved. I don't know what else you want me to do. I go so far as to allow myself to be hurt and unheard. Because I'm tired, i'm tired of feeling used, feeling taken advantage of, us not being equals, being talked down to or upset with because I'm not taking care of myself, taking care of me just gets in the way of what "we are supposed to do". Tired of being compared to other couples tired of not being excepted. My lifestyle and hack my apartment is my state of mind. It's getting better but not quick enough or you. Then again I thought you were leaving two years ago so I wasn't prepared for any of this. I may not know who I am but I know what I'm not. I don't necessarily trust you, but I trust and or expect specific reactions to happen, like clockwork we both want the other person to be different and I don't know what that means. I try to be the person you want me to be and you're still not happy. 😀🙃☺️ what would happen if I did things that felt good or more to my interests, would I lose you when we argue what I'd have to listen to constant pushing until I changed, that's normally what I do because it's not worth having an argument, and I don't mean yelling at each other I meant constant debate until I do what you want me to do or be what you want me to be. I still don't think you want me you just want the idea of me. Because me bores you, annoys you, worries you, I'm sorry that I'm not interesting enough or worth coming along with on my adventures, I spend more time catering and doing what I can to compromise and sneak me in along the way. I don't know what any of this means, I know we're both changing, I don't feel like you see me for who I am you only see me as your fears and then I have to pick you up and carry you and dust you off and console you. My fears and concerns and everything about me is put away until there's no more room. And then the lid pops open, today was not one of those situations. I honestly am always amazed how anything is related back or connected to her. "Hey would you like some toast? " "Speaking of toast…" Honestly what went through my brain was well we just had good times together, it's about that time. I honestly don't know what she wants right now but I'm going to have to spend the day and or the week Burning myself out to over console, (because it needs to be, like, it's 78° in your head, all the time. Right so blue it is, Ha ha ha orange hue) on top burning myself out to be where I'm told to be, and do what I'm told to do, and have what I am told to have, I don't know how I use you and I don't know how you don't see me. I feel, I feel like I burn myself out a lot catering to you and I just need you to see me. I will find you more answers. I honestly don't know what you want. I don't know how to keep you happy. You are correct, I hurt you. I have never denied that and I have always been the first to say that. You finally have something that you can use to dismiss all the times that I've been hurt. Now you don't have to worry about me being upset because your expectations are out of line, ...... honestly what did you want this morning? I don't know. I gave you what I had but I know it's never enough. This honestly feels like high school drama. You win, you're right. I am not denying how you feel. I'm not denying the hurt that I caused. You now have a big thing to hold over me, including your list of ways that I don't please you that I've heard and try to address since the very beginning. Even before we started dating. My list, you just wait till I wear myself out and go right back to doing things that hurt. Maybe I did it because you don't see me. I don't know. These are all "maybes". Why do you do what you do? I can't even ask that without you shutting down. We're going to end this because I didn't give you enough this morning? I didn't know what you were looking for? I wasn't willing to except my spankings? I don't know how to make up for it and I'm frustrated that I'm the only one who has to make up for things that they've done instead of moving on and trying to be a different better person. The only thing I've come up with is to be better today than I was yesterday. But I'm also talking to this person who will leave wet towels on my bed or on the floor, but damn me for doing that to her. You don't have to change or be respectful or considerate. Why do I use toilet paper instead of tissues, probably force of habit, I can't afford both so I use toilet paper at home. I will make a conscious effort to use tissues. (seriously, Can you please please please stop leaving towels on the bathroom floor, my bedroom floor and or bed? It ruins the towels and sometimes the floor. No? OK then never mind I'll just follow you around and pick up after you like I do, I'm sure you haven't noticed (that I do that) but I'd like to be respected too.) And just because I don't respect myself doesn't mean that I wouldn't like to feel respected. I would love, absolutely love to have somebody dote on me and make sure I am kept as happy as possible for as long as possible and if I don't feel happy make it their responsibility. Do you ever stop to think that maybe the reason you don't feel happy even when you get what you want is because your continuous happiness is not other people's responsibility? If they truly do something wrong sure fine be unhappy about it. But you need "happiness" like some people need an iron lung. I really did not know what you wanted for me this morning I gave you what I had. But again I'm not the one who's allowed to complain because I am the only one who has to change to provide for someone else. Yet again this happened and we had an argument all because I couldn't bottle it up inside and take my punishment. I am sorry I will devote every effort an ounce of energy and figuring out why it happened. I know that from time to time you get sad about it, just like from time to time I get sad about things and you need to talk about them just like I need to talk about them. Do you, you do understand that people also feel things the way you feel things, right? But I guess I got my answer, I am not a good person, and I guess I've never been a good person because before it even happened I was being punished for it. But you're a good person that's way that's why we can dismiss any hurt you cause. I have never felt you to feel guilty for anything you've done to me no remorse no anything. You've stolen, lied, coveted, demanded, pushed, harassed, threatened, and nothing, Not an "I'm sorry", an actual I'M SORRY, there's two parts to it, one is acknowledging what you did and the other part of I'm sorry is a promise to change and be more considerate and mindful in the future. You use I'm sorry as the thing you're supposed to say, there is no value in it because there's no promise to change. Both parts give value to the other. Maybe that's why I'm so quick to get frustrated. You interpreted as I'm not letting you speak or not being respectful of your feelings. I see it as how much harder do I have to work for somebody who won't do the same for me. And I've heard you speak, I've heard you say the same things, plural, for the past 4 plus years. I'm changing, I'm working as hard as I can, I am running around on eggshells careful not to have your happiness go below 78°, give me something specific to do then. Because me facing it, me deciding what changes in me need to be made or what I can do to prove myself is not solving it. In fact never mind, because even when I do what you say it's not excepted. I am currently dealing with the pain that I caused, the pain that I feel that led me to do something so stupid, and my own guilt. I don't know if that's worth anything to you, I don't think it is. I'm doing it alone, like I do most things. I am working hard to be who you want me to be. Ha ha ha, the reason this always gets bigger than one loan situation or sentences because it is all connected if it's not about her it's about something else. I'm tired of being threatened in order to jump through hoops, I want to be a good person too. I want to be seen and respected. I might not know what I am but I know what I'm not. And I'm not a lot of the things that I've had to become to keep you at 78°. I'm tired of being compromised and I don't know what the right answer is. I mean, even for my birthday, I'm catering to you. I just wanted to celebrate me because it was my first birthday since I decided I didn't want to be on this planet anymore. It had , Actually had meaning to me. I am here. I am here but...... I'll get to that later because I have to compromise myself. I'm gonna go put on that sweatshirt, because that sweatshirt has a lot of good memories in it. And those memories are my take away from that week. I filled it up with those memories. Not the frustration, not the lying to myself to be happy, not the crying I did when you weren't looking. It sounds dumb, it sounds like some sort of New Age bullshit. But that's why I bought it. I bought it so I could pretend that I was important. It is all connected. Pain I mean. I know that one situation is sometimes tied to another and a new situation has relatable moments to other memories that may have been good or bad. I understand all that I understand why sometimes you feel sad. I feel so sad because you have those connections. I'm trying to build new connections not so it doesn't hurt at all but so some days it hurts less. I'm trying to do that for myself and for you. The painful connections are always heavier than hundreds of good ones. That's why I have the sweatshirt. That's why I have a $50 bottle of wine, and ski ball, and the Ferris wheel, and sand toys, and a bunch of muscle shells in a napkin....

[sykntired]

Hello again! I was still checking this blog from time to time, hoping to see it revived - I'm glad it finally happened, your characters are like friends to me! Could you say something about their affiliations? Who knows who? Do they get along or not? How many separate worlds are there? (Sorry for the avalanche of questions, I got excited!)

Oh wow, I’m surprised (and very flattered!) to hear that :D I had almost given up hope on ever getting back into this blog, but I was finally able to reset the password this morning! Thank you for sticking around!! Absolutely no need to be sorry!This is a question I love to ponder, so thanks for giving me the opportunity to talk about it! I’m gonna begin by sorting my characters into groups to make things a little easier:A)- Jolee- Clement- Maggie- Neverwell (?)- Scotch- MurrayB)- Saria- Jay- EmalineC)- Dumberry- Unnamed aardwolf character- ArdonD)- Harass- MidgeflyE)- SykF)- Sofia/”classic” Saria- VioletG)- Jeanie- Lee- KitsuneThose are most of my characters. The ones I’m currently focusing on, at least! I may occasionally draw (or allude) to characters from different groups interacting, but it’s not canon! Group “A” is set in a parallel universe populated by anthropomorphic animals - not unlike Zootopia. There are no humans in this reality, just walking, talking animal-people. They go to school, drive cars, get jobs, raise families, etc. Their world is very similar to ours in many ways! I should also point out that Jo’s story takes place in the present! They have access to the same types of technology as us, so it wouldn’t be unusual to see a weasel using a smart phone, or a cat on their tablet.Group “B” is set in a completely different universe from group “A”. One that combines elements of both the past and present. For example, Jay and Saria might dress in modern-looking clothes and live in modern-looking homes, but nobody drives cars or talks on cell phones. If you need to travel long distances, you take a boat. Just watch out for pirates! They very much still exist in this universe. I’m still working on group “C”, so I can’t share much about these guys yet! Sorry! They may end up being merged with another group at some point, but right now there’s too much I’m uncertain about.Harass and Midge (group “D”) are special; the planet they live on is inhabited solely by elephants. There are many unique elephant ‘races’, and they’re as culturally diverse as humans! Different races may have their own languages, religions, customs, social struggles, etc. Group “E” is kind of complicated... Syk lives in a world populated by all sorts of unusual creatures. Some have developed the ability to walk on two feet and use tools like humans. Others are just regular animals! However, unlike group “A”, none of them are smart enough to talk or use advanced technology. They may construct crude dwellings made of rock/mud/sticks, cook with fire, and cover themselves to keep warm, but they’re far from civilised! They still mostly rely on their instincts and react like animals when threatened.

Pretty much anything goes in group “F”. Humans, animals, and humanoids co-exist in this universe. Beyond that, I don’t really know! These characters could probably appear in other universes just for the heck of it. There really are no rules.The world Lee and Jeanie (Group “G”) live in is heavily based on my own reality, in that humans are the dominant species and most animals lack self-awareness. Kitsune is an exception! Humans don’t believe in magical/supernatural beings even when they have strange experiences they can’t quite explain. It’s possible there are ghosts/demons/mythical creatures in this universe, but proving they exist would be difficult!SO, to answer your question, there are at least 6 different universes set in various time periods. Outside of their own groups, nobody knows each other (Sofia and Violet miiiight be an exception, not sure!). I don’t think they all even exist at the same time, haha. Oh, and there’s a question mark next to Neverwell’s name because I’m not sure he exists at all anymore :X Just in case you were wondering!Hopefully that clears some things up for you! Thank you for your question :D

[jessfielding91]

sleep and paranoia

So I am typing this again whilst trying to sleep. I am typing this to try and help me sleep. To try and get my thoughts down so I can get a better nights sleep. The result if this is without a doubt too much coffee before I went to bed. I feel it in my fingers and bones. I feel it in my chest right now as I type this. Here I am hoping to just feel some sense of relief from literally everything going on inside my head. 

So how did it all start? Well I just felt so much anxiety before going to bed. Like as in someone or something was wanting to come out. It was like in my chest which I have not had since I was working at sainsbury’s. I got into a fight with my flatmate over me waking her up cos I was trying to plug a charger into my plug next to my bed. I tried to reach it but it didn't. Then this proceeded me for like ten mins of me trying to get it in and then getting my bed in the right position. She needed her sleep as did I. I was trying to chill out but I couldn’t cos all I could hear was banging doors and footsteps going downstairs. That’s when I went downstairs to investigate.

Everyone was sat down and I asked if everything was ok. Everyone who I live with said no especially my roommate who’s room is above me. We kinda got into a bit of an argument cos I was saying the laptop helps me relax and it chills me out before going to bed. Normally I just put on YouTube then I fall asleep. Not tonight cos of bloody coffee and hifi bars that I had. Everyone was saying I shouldn’t be allowed to have my laptop upstairs and if i want to use it I use it in the front room. I also got into an argument about finances and how I thought I had saved some money but I hadn’t. This money was for a holiday. They said that I was lucky cos I didn’t have to pay debts off or that I didn’t have to pay towards direct payments. This wound me up even more. I understand that I was kinda in the wrong but still I just felt like it was them against me. I tried everything in my power not to cry because if I cry it’s a sign of weakness in their eyes but for me it’s a sign of frustration. In their eyes: if I don’t get my own way I cry. It’s hard cos I am trying not to cry and that is the way I am. I am trying to change but I just feel like I am always going to be a 25 year old cry baby. Even as I write this now I am crying my eyes out. 

But yeah I went upstairs to try and just walk away to not cause any more arguments. It was then I did something stupid: I bit myself. Self harming isn’t a good coping mechanism and everyone knows I do it. I normally bite myself on the hand and punch myself in the jaw and/or head. This is where the spiralling started. It all just went a bit out of control from there. I even contemplated just ending it. Just thoughts though. I don’t think I would ever have the guts to do it in reality. 

First off I tried to just put YouTube on but for some reason I did the number one thing that was bad: Google Why am I bad to live with? It never came up with anything in particular so I tried a different search: Why am I a bad roommate? It came up with a few bits and bobs. I read a few pages and it said the usual stuff like: You don’t do any washing, you never pay any bills, that kinda thing. I knew that this wasn’t helping my anxiety at all. In fact it was making it worse. I then stumbled on a page on this wonderful website. The blog was called: I hate my roommate. I spent about an hour on there reading through all these posts and I was thinking the whole time: “God I hope I am not like this?” and: “I am not that bad am I?” This is when the paranoia was really setting in. 

I decided to switch the laptop off and somehow try to go to sleep. However my brain wouldn’t switch off. I was tossing and turning. No position was working. I heard someone else come in and then the dogs started barking. Everyone was all like happy to see them including the dogs. Everyone started talking and I could tell they were talking about me. My brain started thinking all sorts of scenarios. Ones that I wouldn’t have thought otherwise. I was thinking I was going to wake up with a note in the morning when I wake up saying: “We have had a discussion and we thought it’s best you leave this house. You have 24 hours to pack your stuff and find somewhere to stay for now.” I was crying when I thought of that one. Another one I thought of was I was just the worst person ever. I started listing everything in my head that is wrong with me. I just kept on thinking of scenarios in my head: Like me ringing friends asking if I could stay the night cos I was desperate and stuff like that. All of this shit was going on and on in my head whilst trying to fall asleep. I thought it was much later when I woke up and switched the light on. I looked at my phone and realised it was only 2:30am. How had it only been an hour? In my head it was much later. It always seems a lot later when you can’t sleep.

So I got up and contemplated what to do. I made the number one mistake again I used Google. I googled: having too much coffee before bed. It just came up with the symptoms. Didn’t really help much like. So I thought about my other options. Sometimes I rant into a webcam when I feel like this. Heck I made a documentary about it over six month. That was canny powerful. I could have written a poem about how I am feeling. I opted for the webcam at first but I realised that it does the 1 2 3 thing on PhotoBooth and I didn’t want to wake my roommate again. I muted it and tried to talk but it was lagging so much that I couldn’t do anything. That’s when I tried here. I typically forgot my password. I reset it again though. Then I started typing. I didn’t know whether it would be a poem or just me rambling. It has ended up me rambling. It is now 3: 21am in the morning and I can finally feel tiredness coming. Well I shall hope so. The palpitations have gone and now I feel a bit more relaxed. I am going to try and do some meditation or something to switch my mind off a bit more. 

So I hope you all sleep well. Goodnight.

Jess

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