#replaying this while dealing with a mental rut

[mossymandibles]

Kicking my feet and giggling while he ferries me to my assassinations.

[hiiyaemilly-blog]

For The Girl That Can’t Get Away

This isn't a cry for help or an attention seeking post. It's more of a way to let out frustration & pent up emotions that I just can't seem to say to another living breathing human being. The constant struggles inside my mind that make everyday life somewhat of a challenge. I hope this reaches those who need it most, the ones who feel lost or helpless in an ever changing world where no matter what you try, you can't keep up.

So here it is- For The Girl That Can't Get Away.

Another day, another blank page to be written. After a restless night of helpless attempts to re cooperate for the next busy day. Your brain is ready to rumble before your alarm clock gets the chance to wake you from a restful slumber. You want to be positive, you really do, but that's something you know may not be the case depending on what social situation sparks the flame inside you that unravels the deepest darkest place you keep hidden in your heart.

You go through the morning routine- brush teeth & hair, dress in your best jeans that are usually slightly too short (thanks Levi), let the dog out, pack your lunch, sip coffee that doesn't seems to cool until lunchtime and venture out into the real world. The sun rises before you which you always take a moment to thank the universe to have allowed you to see another day, to feel the air across your fresh naturally imperfectly perfect face. (Let's face it- I couldn't apply makeup in a fashionable way if I tried & I'm okay with that).

Waiting on the phone to ring to be saved from the thoughts drowning your every move. You can't escape it- why me? One of the many questions that bring ache to my soul. Why have I been the one to be incapable of moving forward with the shitty hand life has dealt. I'm not saying everything in life is garbage, but when your a female in a committed relationship of almost nine years at your prime age of reproduction- dealing with infertility can be a real Debbie downer.

That's right, I said the 'I' word, Infertility.

Now, I know what some of you will say- you're not married yet, you're still so young, you just need to relax... it'll happen for you when the time is right. (please go back are reread these statements in the voice you use to mock your mother in an argument). It's annoying & honestly hurtful. Until you've experienced the loss of your growing baby in your whom or struggle with conceiving- you DO NOT have the right for input of that nature. I know what you're going to say next- I'm just trying to help, look at the silver lining, that's not what I meant. Reality check (insert hair flip) it doesn't help, no words can help.

'You have Endometriosis'. Diagnosed as one of the most severe cases your gyno has ever seen at age 20. I was told by second and third opinions that carrying to term would be nearly impossible. Me being my naive self never thought it would be true. Here we are suffering from a third miscarriage & it turns out the doctors were right.

I can't describe how every woman feels enduring the grueling reality of this, but I can relate. Point blank- it sucks. The past year has caused an overwhelming amount of heart ache in my bubble. No amount of screaming the words to Lizzo's new hit can mask the emptiness you feel. There was a point where I felt the only option was to pack up my shit and go. Retreat to the wilderness where I feel complete. This still taunts me as the right choice to make, but I know when I returned I would get a good ass whooping from my support system. Running isn't the answer.

Lately, I've labeled my situation as living in my own personal hell. I can't get away from it. At work, best friends, strangers in public- all pregnant & openly discussing it like they know I'm drowning. In reality they don't, I'm just hypersensitive to anything revolving around reproduction. I was able to suppress the pain when I didn't have a reminder every turn I took. Not so much anymore. The feeling is indescribable, like a theoretical knife stabbing a twisting my overly damaged reproductive organs. All the while my eyes welling up with tears that I don't shed due to having cried more than my fair share. It haunts you.

I replay the times where my people have 'broken the news' to me. Starting it with "I hope you don't hate me for this", "I understand if you don't want to be involved", "I'm really sorry", those words struck me right where it hurt. People expect for you to be a soulless bitch towards the more fortunate just because you can't grow a child of your own. Surprise, I'm happy to be involved. I'm happy to share the journey with you because, in reality, I may never get these moments of my own. In all honesty, I'm a selfish girl who wants to live vicariously through you.

At least that’s what I thought I wanted. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was one person, but to be surrounded at all times by women who are able to carry and deliver a beautiful mash up of themselves and their soul mate into one human being it’s kinda exhausting. To top it off- their mentally on to the next best thing... a diamond ring. It takes all that I have to not wack someone upside the head when I hear the bull like that fall from their lips.You’re more worried about a useless piece of jewelry that anyone could buy for you while I’m over here with sweaty palms trying to decide which body part I would sell on the black market just to become pregnant carry full term. 

Some days are harder than others. Listening to the silly complaints of having to pee every five minutes or hating that all you crave is junk food can take its toll. I wanted that to be me. A lot of women want that to be us, but here we are- stuck in rut of feeling like you should be ashamed of your struggles. For a long time I wouldn't talk about loss because I felt like it was a no- no subject. Look at me now! I'm changing my thought process & you can too.

The pain never gets easier, your feelings may never change, but at the end of the day you're not alone. You may feel that you are, you may feel like you're the only person struggling with this day by day. Take the few minutes to listen to that sad freaking song and ugly cry until you're ready to look yourself in the mirror and say out loud "I can do this". Seek an outlet of ways to 'talk it out' even if it means writing everything on a blank sheet of paper and burning it when you're ready to let go. Whatever it takes, keep on keeping on. 

If after reading this you feel that you need a shoulder, reach out- I love to find ways to distract myself & you're more than welcome to be a part of it too.

After all, I have too much love and there's never too many people to share it with...

~ The Girl That Can't Get Away

[personaltrainerz]

Best Chronic Stress Management Tactics

Overcoming chronic stress takes persistent effort, and you must focus on it regularly if you want results that stick. It’s also important to find the most suitable approach for your own circumstances. As illogical as this may seem, your mind will most likely try to hold onto your stress because it’s been a familiar presence for so long. Humans just don’t like change. You’ll need a great deal of determination to push through this resistance and start to make lasting changes. When your brain understands that you mean business, then the self sabotage can lessen. If you’re serious about conquering chronic stress, the following guidelines will be helpful to you.

Thinking in a certain way causes a great deal of stress, so your own mind is one of the first things you have to examine. Does your mind frequently replay the recent or distant past? Equally important is how much time you spend worrying about the future.

If your mind is frequently in the past or the future, it’s hard to avoid feeling stress. It’s much more relaxing to focus on what’s happening in the present. This is extremely difficult for most people and it takes a great deal of concentration. It takes a great deal of practice to stay in the present, which is why many people study various forms of meditation. Training your mind in this way takes time, but it’s well worth the effort. A common reaction to chronic stress is to find ways to make ourselves feel better. Finding a way to do this does not always lead to a healthy choice. It is very common for people to take up to destructive habits. Getting rid of them is really the challenge itself. When you try to abandon certain bad habits, you can actually add more stress to your life, both in body and mind. You really have to make the right decision, the right choices, and it is a personal decision indeed. The negative habits will go away much faster if you replace them with positive ones that you will even like better. Drink less and then get busy doing something positive, and that is how you can slowly replace the bad with the good.

Although we do form both good and bad habits, it is the unhealthy habits that catch us by surprise, forming without us even noticing. People sometimes develop unhealthy habits like eating junk food while watching TV. It could happen for five or 10 years before they notice how bad things have gotten. At this point, you have to make a decision to do something to fix this situation. You need to do something that does not involve sitting around. You need to get active, and do something other than watch TV. If you don’t want to do too much exercise or moving, start reading a book, or take up painting. Anything is better! More than likely, managing chronic stress will not be easy because it is multifaceted, which will force you to do many different things to get out of this emotional and mental rut.

If you want to get rid of chronic stress, you have to be willing to tackle some of your mental patterns that you’ve become accustomed to. Check out hormone replacement therapy Durham NC for revolutionary way to handle stress and other health concerns.But, you should also feel confident because you can re-program your mind to refuse to be affected so much. Rather than looking at how high the mountain is, take each day and apply what you know.