#replaying this while dealing with a mental rut

[mossymandibles]

Kicking my feet and giggling while he ferries me to my assassinations.

[hiiyaemilly-blog]

For The Girl That Can’t Get Away

This isn't a cry for help or an attention seeking post. It's more of a way to let out frustration & pent up emotions that I just can't seem to say to another living breathing human being. The constant struggles inside my mind that make everyday life somewhat of a challenge. I hope this reaches those who need it most, the ones who feel lost or helpless in an ever changing world where no matter what you try, you can't keep up.

So here it is- For The Girl That Can't Get Away.

Another day, another blank page to be written. After a restless night of helpless attempts to re cooperate for the next busy day. Your brain is ready to rumble before your alarm clock gets the chance to wake you from a restful slumber. You want to be positive, you really do, but that's something you know may not be the case depending on what social situation sparks the flame inside you that unravels the deepest darkest place you keep hidden in your heart.

You go through the morning routine- brush teeth & hair, dress in your best jeans that are usually slightly too short (thanks Levi), let the dog out, pack your lunch, sip coffee that doesn't seems to cool until lunchtime and venture out into the real world. The sun rises before you which you always take a moment to thank the universe to have allowed you to see another day, to feel the air across your fresh naturally imperfectly perfect face. (Let's face it- I couldn't apply makeup in a fashionable way if I tried & I'm okay with that).

Waiting on the phone to ring to be saved from the thoughts drowning your every move. You can't escape it- why me? One of the many questions that bring ache to my soul. Why have I been the one to be incapable of moving forward with the shitty hand life has dealt. I'm not saying everything in life is garbage, but when your a female in a committed relationship of almost nine years at your prime age of reproduction- dealing with infertility can be a real Debbie downer.

That's right, I said the 'I' word, Infertility.

Now, I know what some of you will say- you're not married yet, you're still so young, you just need to relax... it'll happen for you when the time is right. (please go back are reread these statements in the voice you use to mock your mother in an argument). It's annoying & honestly hurtful. Until you've experienced the loss of your growing baby in your whom or struggle with conceiving- you DO NOT have the right for input of that nature. I know what you're going to say next- I'm just trying to help, look at the silver lining, that's not what I meant. Reality check (insert hair flip) it doesn't help, no words can help.

'You have Endometriosis'. Diagnosed as one of the most severe cases your gyno has ever seen at age 20. I was told by second and third opinions that carrying to term would be nearly impossible. Me being my naive self never thought it would be true. Here we are suffering from a third miscarriage & it turns out the doctors were right.

I can't describe how every woman feels enduring the grueling reality of this, but I can relate. Point blank- it sucks. The past year has caused an overwhelming amount of heart ache in my bubble. No amount of screaming the words to Lizzo's new hit can mask the emptiness you feel. There was a point where I felt the only option was to pack up my shit and go. Retreat to the wilderness where I feel complete. This still taunts me as the right choice to make, but I know when I returned I would get a good ass whooping from my support system. Running isn't the answer.

Lately, I've labeled my situation as living in my own personal hell. I can't get away from it. At work, best friends, strangers in public- all pregnant & openly discussing it like they know I'm drowning. In reality they don't, I'm just hypersensitive to anything revolving around reproduction. I was able to suppress the pain when I didn't have a reminder every turn I took. Not so much anymore. The feeling is indescribable, like a theoretical knife stabbing a twisting my overly damaged reproductive organs. All the while my eyes welling up with tears that I don't shed due to having cried more than my fair share. It haunts you.

I replay the times where my people have 'broken the news' to me. Starting it with "I hope you don't hate me for this", "I understand if you don't want to be involved", "I'm really sorry", those words struck me right where it hurt. People expect for you to be a soulless bitch towards the more fortunate just because you can't grow a child of your own. Surprise, I'm happy to be involved. I'm happy to share the journey with you because, in reality, I may never get these moments of my own. In all honesty, I'm a selfish girl who wants to live vicariously through you.

At least that’s what I thought I wanted. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was one person, but to be surrounded at all times by women who are able to carry and deliver a beautiful mash up of themselves and their soul mate into one human being it’s kinda exhausting. To top it off- their mentally on to the next best thing... a diamond ring. It takes all that I have to not wack someone upside the head when I hear the bull like that fall from their lips.You’re more worried about a useless piece of jewelry that anyone could buy for you while I’m over here with sweaty palms trying to decide which body part I would sell on the black market just to become pregnant carry full term. 

Some days are harder than others. Listening to the silly complaints of having to pee every five minutes or hating that all you crave is junk food can take its toll. I wanted that to be me. A lot of women want that to be us, but here we are- stuck in rut of feeling like you should be ashamed of your struggles. For a long time I wouldn't talk about loss because I felt like it was a no- no subject. Look at me now! I'm changing my thought process & you can too.

The pain never gets easier, your feelings may never change, but at the end of the day you're not alone. You may feel that you are, you may feel like you're the only person struggling with this day by day. Take the few minutes to listen to that sad freaking song and ugly cry until you're ready to look yourself in the mirror and say out loud "I can do this". Seek an outlet of ways to 'talk it out' even if it means writing everything on a blank sheet of paper and burning it when you're ready to let go. Whatever it takes, keep on keeping on. 

If after reading this you feel that you need a shoulder, reach out- I love to find ways to distract myself & you're more than welcome to be a part of it too.

After all, I have too much love and there's never too many people to share it with...

~ The Girl That Can't Get Away

[personaltrainerz]

Best Chronic Stress Management Tactics

Overcoming chronic stress takes persistent effort, and you must focus on it regularly if you want results that stick. It’s also important to find the most suitable approach for your own circumstances. As illogical as this may seem, your mind will most likely try to hold onto your stress because it’s been a familiar presence for so long. Humans just don’t like change. You’ll need a great deal of determination to push through this resistance and start to make lasting changes. When your brain understands that you mean business, then the self sabotage can lessen. If you’re serious about conquering chronic stress, the following guidelines will be helpful to you.

Thinking in a certain way causes a great deal of stress, so your own mind is one of the first things you have to examine. Does your mind frequently replay the recent or distant past? Equally important is how much time you spend worrying about the future.

If your mind is frequently in the past or the future, it’s hard to avoid feeling stress. It’s much more relaxing to focus on what’s happening in the present. This is extremely difficult for most people and it takes a great deal of concentration. It takes a great deal of practice to stay in the present, which is why many people study various forms of meditation. Training your mind in this way takes time, but it’s well worth the effort. A common reaction to chronic stress is to find ways to make ourselves feel better. Finding a way to do this does not always lead to a healthy choice. It is very common for people to take up to destructive habits. Getting rid of them is really the challenge itself. When you try to abandon certain bad habits, you can actually add more stress to your life, both in body and mind. You really have to make the right decision, the right choices, and it is a personal decision indeed. The negative habits will go away much faster if you replace them with positive ones that you will even like better. Drink less and then get busy doing something positive, and that is how you can slowly replace the bad with the good.

Although we do form both good and bad habits, it is the unhealthy habits that catch us by surprise, forming without us even noticing. People sometimes develop unhealthy habits like eating junk food while watching TV. It could happen for five or 10 years before they notice how bad things have gotten. At this point, you have to make a decision to do something to fix this situation. You need to do something that does not involve sitting around. You need to get active, and do something other than watch TV. If you don’t want to do too much exercise or moving, start reading a book, or take up painting. Anything is better! More than likely, managing chronic stress will not be easy because it is multifaceted, which will force you to do many different things to get out of this emotional and mental rut.

If you want to get rid of chronic stress, you have to be willing to tackle some of your mental patterns that you’ve become accustomed to. Check out hormone replacement therapy Durham NC for revolutionary way to handle stress and other health concerns.But, you should also feel confident because you can re-program your mind to refuse to be affected so much. Rather than looking at how high the mountain is, take each day and apply what you know.

[airoasis]

20 Tips for Finding Your Inspiration

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If you discover that you can't bring yourself to go through the necessary actions to reach your goals, then you more than most likely lack the inspiration. Motivation isn't really something that is merely discovered; you need to make it take place. If you find yourself in a rut, here are some useful methods to drive yourself forward to achieve your goals and change your life.

Video Takeover Suggestion # 1-- Make an Offer with Yourself If you desire to overcome procrastination and begin getting things done, you have to negotiate with yourself. This deal can be either big or little. For example, you can inform yourself, "When I'm finished with these reports, I can take a walk in the park and enjoy some ice cream." Providing yourself something fun to do as soon as you finish your job can keep you inspired to obtain things done.Tip # 2-- Leave Yourself Messages in the Morning There might be mornings when you search in

the mirror and don't like what you see. This can quickly kill any inspiration you have and quickly destroy your day. To avoid this concern, discover a message that will influence you to be your finest, even if you don't look or feel it. Using a dry erase marker, write the self-affirming message on your restroom mirror. This will help develop your self-image and assist you begin your day on a favorable note.Tip # 3-- Do Not Strike the Snooze Button One expression that can quickly zap your motivation,"Simply five more minutes."When you strike your snooze button, you're beginning your

day off by hesitating the inescapable job of getting up and going. Having an extra five minutes in bed in the early morning isn't really going to do you any favors and will eliminate your motivation.Tip # 4-- Practice Positive Self Talk If you have trouble rising in the early morning, begin practicing positive self-talk. When your alarm goes off in the early morning, instead of grumbling and striking the snooze

button, tell yourself,"I can do this!" By affirming yourself in this way, it will make it simpler for you to obtain out of bed and start in the mornings.Tip # 5-- Stay on a Routine Set up Understanding what to expect can keep you inspired, which is why it is very important to know your daily schedule and stick with it as much as you potentially can. While things do happen that can disrupt a schedule, understanding

that you have one scheduled and in place can make it a lot easier to keep on track and still remain productive throughout the day.Tip # 6-- Breakfast is Secret Eating a healthy and balanced breakfast is the essential to starting your day out right. Food is energy, so by consuming in the morning and choosing the right types of foods, you will stay focused on your daily tasks and objectives.

Even when you feel pressed for time, have a go-to meal that will offer you the nutrition you require to start your day off right.Tip # 7-- Have a Morning Routine Having a morning routine can help you gain inspiration to propel you into the rest of your day. Understanding exactly what to expect and understanding that once it's done what follows will assist you make it through your day. Changes in your regimen can make it difficult to think clearly and have a productive day. Doing the very same basic activities in the very same order can help you get going.Tip # 8-- Participate in Early Morning Exercise Take an early morning walk or visit the fitness center first thing in the early morning can increase your motivation for the rest of the day. Routine exercise can improve your blood circulation and keep you from feeling sleepy or lethargic throughout your day. Even participating in an easy stretching regular in the morning can help to increase your

blood flow and get you moving.Tip # 9-- Take One Step at a Time Focus on one

action at a time. If you think of whatever you need to do, then your energy levels will feel even lower. Take your regular one step at a time and don't concentrate on what you have actually delegated do. When you just concentrate on the instant action, you will not mentally diminish exactly what energy you have left.Tip # 10-- Keep Progressing As soon as you get moving, keep moving. Energy isn't really something that resides in a bottle and can be handled an impulse. Sometimes you have to force yourself to keep going. Maintaining your momentum increases the possibilities that you will continue to be productive and finish exactly what you started out to achieve in the very first place. Do not fool yourself by telling yourself that you'll have the ability to do it later on. This is nothing more than procrastinating and will eventually leave a great deal of undesirable jobs sitting on the back burner.Tip # 11-- Reward Yourself When you are confronted with a challenging task or situation, establishing a reward for when you complete it effectively can assist you stay motivated. Rewarding yourself for finishing uphill struggles can keep you encouraged to keep opting for the task and accomplish it in the time frame you have actually set.Tip # 12-- Leave Yourself Notes Leaving yourself motivating notes in places that you frequently look can make you feel much better about yourself. Composing encouraging notes to yourself can help to advise you that you can do it and make it through whatever challenges thatlife throws in your direction.Tip # 13-- Track Your Development

When your list of to-dos appears longer than exactly what you have actually finished, take a minute and think about everything that you have actually achieved during a specific duration. While you may not be where you wished to be at that minute, you need to advise yourself that you finished a few of your tasks. Providing yourself that small pat on the back will help to keep you motivated and help you

to continue with whatever jobs you still require to complete.Tip # 14-- Make Small Goals It is exceptionally simple to feel overwhelmed when you set your requirements and your goals expensive. Setting little and attainable goals from the start will help you stay inspired when you reach them so that you can move on to the

next action. When you set your goals too

high, to start with, you can become prevented too easily and feel overwhelmed.Tip # 15-- Deal With One Task at a Time You might believe that multitasking is an excellent idea up until you understand you have unfinished tasks on your list. Not only do you still have to finish each of the projects, but it makes you feel like you can't even attain one. To keep your inspiration, you have to focus totally on completing one project at a time, persevering to the end prior to you start the next one.

Not just will this keep your inspiration because you have actually achieved what you set out to do, but you will become more productive.Tip # 16-- Turn to Others Those around you can be terrific resources when it pertains to finding your motivation. Discover some supportive family and friends who can help you attain your general goal and offer you with the inspiration you need when the going gets tough.Tip # 17

-- Clear Your Mind When you start to feel totally overwhelmed,

it's finest to step far from the situation and take a deep breath. Allow your mind to relax and clear itself from the stress that it may be presently experiencing. Going into something with a clear mind will provide you with the fresh viewpoint that you have to assist you remain determined and productive.Tip # 18-- Consider Things the Energize You If you lack energy, you can think about things that stimulate and encourage you to offer you the essential boost to get moving. Using whatever the thought is that will drive you, enable it to replay through your mind over and over again as you pursue the not so enjoyable jobs that you may be facing when you're less than motivated and do not have energy.Tip # 19-- Pay Attention To Upbeat Music has the incredible ability to determine your state of minds. Upbeat and favorable music can assist you start when you have low

inspiration. Try finding upbeat music that you like to listen to and play them when you do not have energy and inspiration and see if they will not have a favorable impact on your motivation and energy.Tip # 20-- Discover Your Mantra A mantra does not need to be long; it simply has to get you thrilled. When you lack energy and feel uninspired, it's those couple of words that remind you exactly what matters to you and get you to

act toward attaining the goals you have actually

set for yourself.Settling when you understand you can do better, only cheats you from what greatness your life can truly hold. You can realize more success when you push yourself further.Everyone has huge dreams, and we have the tendency to make larger plans to satisfy them. As time passes, we tend to lose inspiration and enthusiasm in working towards reaching our goals, leaving us stuck in the same location, toiling away at our 9 to 5 tasks,aiming to earn just enough loan to

survive.Each of us has a positivity inside that functions as the source of our fantastic ideas and accomplishments worldwide. In putting in more effort in finding our inspiration, we can attain our ultimate goals and find the enthusiasm in our lives.Utilize these Self Help Tips to kick out the negativeness and remove the stress that has been managing your life. Do

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[mattbellwrites]

My Depression 101 (Or: “The Mask I Wear”)

I've been trying to be brutally honest about my mental health struggles during this current low phase. I know it puts some people off, and, to a certain degree and in a certain way, it feels uncomfortable for me, too. I've always desperately wanted people to like me, and my brain goes into panic mode when I say or do something to jeopardize that. I get little dopamine hits when my statuses get to a certain number of likes and comments. I want my social media presence and blog posts to be funny and witty and smart so you'll all think I'm funny and witty and smart, and then maybe – just maybe – you'll like me more.

That's the mask I wear. And – look – it's not a full-face mask.  This isn’t Halloween. I'm not presenting you with a lie.  Maybe, to stretch the metaphor, it’s more like a masquerade mask (“Hide your face so the world will never find you!”), only covering up those slowly-developing crow’s feet and under-eye bags.

I've been really inspired, though, over the last year or so, by a few people in my various circles who've spoken openly about their mental health on social media.  And their openness, among other things, makes me want to be that kind of honest.  This isn’t a cry for help, or a hint that I’m in crisis, or anything like that.  And I hope you don’t feel like you have to be all kid gloves and “heeeeyy buuuuddy … how ya doin’…?” every time you see me.  But I’ve been through this cycle a number of times before, and holding it in isn’t helping me or anyone else.

To kick off that honesty, if we’re at all close, and you’ve asked how my day was or how I’m doing over the past couple of weeks, I’ve made a promise to myself to be honest with you, because I think I need to be.  I need to acknowledge my feelings and struggles in order to appropriately live with and through them.  Hiding this stuff from the world causes me to internalize it.  Like wearing a mask, or crouching down in a hiding place—a common side effect is that it cuts off the world around you, and you feel more alone.

I know it’s awkward, and I know you don’t always really know what to say or how to respond.  Please understand, though, that (1) I don’t see it as your job or role to make me “feel better,” and (2) I KNOW it’s awkward for you, and (3) it’s OKAY that you don’t know what to say.  I’m telling you because I have to say it, not because I need your wisdom.  Just listen, and we’ll be good.

So – I’m going to try, right now, to be more honest than I’ve probably ever been about this.  Depression comes in different degrees and is experienced differently from person to person. And mine is probably, I’ve discovered, tinged with a healthy dollop of anxiety.  But – to the greatest degree of accuracy and honesty I can muster – here’s what it feels like . . .  

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First, my depression ebbs and flows, both in a macro and micro sense. In the macro, there are long stretches during which I mostly feel better, and long stretches during which I feel worse. During the “better” times, I’m generally fully functional, productive, and motivated.  My “better” times don’t feel manic or high—just “normal.”  Even during those times, though, I often find it harder to deal with certain negative events than I perceive others dealing with them.

And during the low times, every day isn’t a funeral – there are productive days, and days with sunshine, and I laugh at things.  My low times aren’t about “sadness.”  I don’t feel sad all the time, though I feel “down” more often than I normally do.  Things happy and sad and sometimes neither (lots of songs that don’t really apply to my life, for example) hit me harder and make me cry more often than normal.  And when sadness or frustration or hopelessness do happen, those feelings can get so intense – the world can get pretty dark.

While it’s not all sadness, during the low times, the positive things are substantially subdued (which makes me think of the typical line you hear about depression – that you enjoy things less than you normally do).  When I’m “normal,” and exciting things happen, like when I was sitting in the theater and the fanfare started at the beginning of The Force Awakens – yes, I’m a nerd – I feel that excitement in my chest, like I might explode with joy.  That doesn’t happen during low times.  The positive emotions – most emotions, really – are muffled, like rays of light that have to travel through a translucent curtain before they reach me, or the sound of someone shouting underwater.  I feel happiness, sure, but it’s less substantial and less often.

I also become less productive, sometimes to the point of being incapable of accomplishing anything at all.  I spend whole days distracted.  I get behind in my work or my studies.  It doesn’t generally last long enough that I can’t catch up.  But the history of my working life includes a lot of frantic catching up in between stretches of stunted productivity.  

And I’m irritable.  I’m less tolerant of, and sometimes actually feel a sort of rage about, small hiccups in my day.  My computer freezes, or the traffic is heavier than normal, and my day is ruined. The printer jams, and I think, “Screw it – I’m calling it a day.”

Because of those things, and just “because,” I get in my head and question much of what I do and say.  My self-confidence decreases.  At the worst points, my internal monologue tells me I’m no good, because I haven’t returned those three clients’ letters that have been sitting on my desk staring at me for god knows how long, or got testy with someone over a minor disagreement.  I replay conversations and wish I could try again.

And I get terrified—sometimes to the point where I have trouble breathing—at the thought of someone “catching” me.  When my phone rings, I freak out because I don’t know who it is, and maybe it’s somebody I’m not ready to talk to, yet, because I haven’t done the thing or looked up the issue we talked about last time.  What if my boss gets a complaint from someone, or what if the judge doesn’t grant my continuance?  Then, everyone’s going to see how unproductive I’ve been—see how this smart, witty, passionate lawyer is just a mask I wear.  And maybe it isn’t who I am at all.  Maybe this unproductive, lazy, unresponsive, self-involved grouch is the real me, and that other guy is just a fraud I’ve been perpetrating.

And lastly (I think), my brain gets into this kind of rut, where I start thinking of everything as a pattern that’s always been and always will be (some of that is probably evident from the way I wrote about the other symptoms up there). I cognitively know I haven’t felt this way my whole life—that I won’t feel this way forever—that I’ve done some really good work and written some really good stuff and really helped some people before.  But the depression blocks access to certain blocks of emotional memory, making me feel like I’ve never actually felt joy and contentment the way other people do.  The other day, I actually asked my best friend if I’ve always felt this way, because, though I can conceptualize – cognitively – that I haven’t, I can’t actually remember the feeling.  And the cycle replays, driving deeper and deeper – no one who actually knows me has ever REALLY loved me, or, if they have, I didn’t REALLY deserve it.  No one REALLY knows me.  I’m never going to learn the “rules” and am always going to be on the outside looking in.

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Those are my symptoms, for the most part.  It’s weird to see it all spelled out like that, really.  I don’t normally think about this in such an empirical way. Perhaps that’s why this honesty is necessary.

Again, I feel like it’s necessary to point out that I’m not in crisis, and I’m not suicidal.  I’ve been to that mental place before – and I will never, ever, live in a home with guns – but that’s not what this is. 

(As an aside, this is an enormous fear that I think many people with depression share – that if I talk about my feelings, someone’s going to assume I’m suicidal and, with the best of intentions, lock me in a padded room.  So I have to say “I’m not suicidal” in just about every conversation I have.)

This also isn’t a cry for help – at least not emergency help.  And it isn’t an invitation to be treated like a patient or a child.  You don’t have to cheer me up, and it’ll probably embarrass me if you try (in too obvious a way, at least).

But, like I’ve admitted before, this is a low point, right now.  All I ask from my friends is that you listen, and you don’t judge me for it.  That you don’t stop inviting me out even if I keep saying no.  And that – maybe – we tell each other from time to time how much we mean to one another.

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Class dismissed.